If someone was mistreated during their formative years, they might not be in a good way now that they are an adult. In fact, their life could be one big struggle, with them wondering if they even want to be alive.
However, even if they are not in a good way, it doesn’t mean that they will know why their life is this way. The reason for this is that their brain may have caused them to forget about most of what took place in order to protect them. The Outcome If so, it can be as though they just have something wrong with them and this is why they can’t handle life. Or, they could believe that they have a chemical imbalance and were, thus, born with a faulty brain. Either way, neither of these assessments or one that is similar to it is going to shed light on why they are this way. If they were to end up being put on medication, then, it might make it easier for them to function but it certainly won’t heal the damage that was done to them during their childhood. Different Direction But, even if they do go on medication, they could end up looking into what their childhood was like. What could play a part in them going down this path is that they could see a post on social media or a friend could mention something that gets the ball moving. After this, they could watch videos, read articles and books, and feel the call to work with a therapist. This can be a time when it is as though they were in a dark room for most of their life and now the lights are starting to come on. A Tough Time Their early years might have been brutal and working through their pain and facing their unmet developmental needs won’t be easy. But, with external support and the strength that they now have by being an adult, they have what it takes to gradually heal themselves. After working with a therapist for a while, they can have the need to speak to the parent or parents who abused them. This can also be something that they have the need to do even if they are not working with a therapist and are doing work on themselves. A Big Step Assuming that it is one parent who mistreated them, they can arrange a time to see them or they can just call them or turn up at their home. After they have mentioned a few things and perhaps asked them why they treated them in this way, they may receive a very positive response. So, this parent can validate what they say, empathise with them and show compassion. From this, it will show that although they treated them badly and caused them a lot of harm, they are now willing to help them heal. The ideal This parent might be very old and frail, but, even if this is the case, this won’t prevent them from being there for their adult child. What this response is also likely to show is that they don’t have a personality disorder. If they did, they are likely to have had a very different experience when they opened up to this parent. If, for example, they were abused by both of their parents and they had opened up to their other parent, they might not have made much headway as this parent might have a personality disorder. A Big Help Anyway, having this parent’s support is likely to make it easier for them to heal the damage that was done to them. This parent might even be willing to go with them when they have therapy, assuming that they are having therapy. In any case, talking over what happened and having their parent acknowledge their experiences will greatly serve them on their healing journey. This is something that they can be grateful for. Another Scenario Conversely, they can talk to the parent who mistreated them and have a very different experience. Instead of this parent validating what they say, empathising with them and showing compassion, they can invalidate what they say, have no interest in putting themselves in their shoes or show any sympathy. Based on how they behave, it can be as if their adult child is simply making everything up and is trying to make them look bad for no apparent reason. This parent is then not going to act like their parent; they will act like they are a random stranger who is being accused of something that they themselves didn’t do. A Brick Wall After their parent has behaved in this way, they could end up feeling frustrated, angry, betrayed, helpless and helpless. Most likely, this is how they often felt throughout their formative years. Still, they could try to get through to this parent again and this could go on for many, many months, if not years. What they might soon see is that a big part of them is still trying to be loved by this parent but, just as this parent couldn’t love them as a child, they can’t love them now. Drawing the line It then won’t matter how often or how hard they try; the outcome will always be the same. Not only this but, by trying to get through to and be seen and heard by their parent who can’t do this, they will be harming themselves. Thankfully, by working through their pain and experiencing their unmet developmental needs, they will gradually let go of the need to get through to and be seen and heard by this parent. This will take courage, patience and persistence. Awareness If someone can relate to this and they are ready to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
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If a man were to connect with how he feels, he could find that he feels as though he is missing something. It is then going to be as if there is a hole inside him that needs to be filled.
And, if he were to go deeper into this inner emptiness, he could come into contact with a lot of pain. He could find that he feels rejected, abandoned, worthless, helpless and hopeless. Two Levels What this illustrates is that the emptiness that he feels is not at the root; what is at the root is the pain that he is in. If, then, he didn’t feel this pain, he wouldn’t have the sense that something is missing. Instead, the ‘positive’ feelings inside him would combine to allow him to feel whole and complete. He might see that, over the years, he has done a lot to try to change what is going on inside him. One Area So, he might have had sex with numerous women, believing that this would provide him with what he needed. Just before and during a sexual encounter, he might have felt whole and complete. But, a little while after, he might have experienced a sense of lack and tried to change this by sleeping with another woman. To use an analogy; he would have been running towards the end of a rainbow but no matter how far he ran, it would have been out of his reach. Another Experience Conversely, he might have had numerous short-term relationships, believing that if he found the right woman, he would be fine. But, irrespective of the woman that he was with, it wouldn’t have been any different. As with the previous example, when he met a woman and for a little while after, he might have felt that he was receiving what he needed. Yet, as time passed, how he felt before is likely to have soon returned. Another Area Along with this, he might have believed that having certain material items would change how he felt. Therefore, he might have put a lot of effort into earning a lot of money, so that he was in a position to buy just about anything he needed. For example, he might have a big house, an expansive car, and luxury jewellery. He might have also achieved a certain level of fame, with this having been seen as another thing that would help him to change how he felt. A Waste of Time Now, regardless of what he has done over the years to change how he feels, he will see that it hasn’t worked. Due to this, he could experience a deep sense of despair and feel very low. If he has been this way for as long as he can remember, there is a chance that what is going on for him is a consequence of what took place during his formative years and the impact that it had on him. This may have been a stage of his when he missed out on the love that he needed to grow and develop in the right way. Back In Time From the moment he was born, his mother might have been emotionally unavailable. If so, this would have prevented her from being able to consistently attune to his needs and typically meet them. The outcome of this is that he would have been deprived and deeply wounded. As opposed to being able to attach to her and gradually develop a strong sense of self, then, he wouldn’t have been able to and would have ended up disconnecting from himself in the process. One Option This is because he was powerless and dependent, so he wasn’t able to change her or find a mother who could love him. The only thing that he could do was to lose touch with his emotional self and his body to stop himself from being overwhelmed with pain. The years would have passed and his physical and mental self would have grown but his emotional self wouldn’t have grown. In other words, he wouldn’t have been able to experience an emotional birth. A Stage If he had been born emotionally whole and complete, it would have mattered that his mother was out of reach. But, as he wasn’t born whole and complete, not having an emotionally available mother would have stopped him from being able to grow out of the emotionally dependent state that he was born in. This is why, when he connects to his emotional self, he will experience an emptiness and then pain as he goes deeper. Fortunately, he doesn’t have to stay this way forever. Moving Forward A big part of what will allow him to change his life will be for him to face and work through the pain and experience the unmet development needs that were repressed all those years ago. This will take courage, patience and persistence. Awareness If a man can relate to this and he is ready to change his life, he may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk Mother Wounds: Can A Man Expect To Be Rejected By Women If He Had An Emotionally Unavailable Mother?26/3/2024
Even if a man was to see a woman who he is attracted to, it doesn’t mean that he would take the next step. Instead, he could talk himself out of speaking to her and let the chance pass.
Then again, he might not need to talk himself out of doing something as he might not believe that it is possible for him to take the next step. Either way, he will feel a strong attraction and that will be as far as it goes. The Same Story There is a chance that he has never taken the next step, or he might have taken the next step and not gotten very far. If he has, this may have been a time when he didn’t receive a very positive response. In fact, he might have ended up being ignored and even humiliated by the woman. This might not have happened once, though, it might have happened on every occasion that he has taken the next step. A Wall Due to this, it can be as though there is an invisible barrier between him and a woman. This barrier won’t be able to be seen by the naked eye but it will exist nevertheless. Thanks to this, he could feel pretty hopeless and helpless when it comes to this area of his life. In this case, this won’t be an area of his life where he has any control and he could believe that someone or something ‘out there’ is holding him back. A Low Place If he was to turn his back on this area of his life, he won’t have to go through the pain of not being able to take things further with a woman. However, his need to be with a woman is not going to be met and this will cause him to suffer. After he has ignored this area of his life for a little while, he could arrive at the point where he no longer wants to live in this way. If this does take place, he could wonder why this area of his life is so difficult. One Outlook One way of looking at this would be to say that he needs to keep talking to women and, sooner or later, he will be able to make progress. Furthermore, not every woman is going to respond well to him and there will be even fewer women who will want to take things further. Additionally, he will need to look into how he behaves as how he comes across will play a big part in the type of responses that he receives. When it comes to how he comes across, how he sees himself and women will play a big part. In The Driver’s Seat His appearance, so his hairstyle and what he wears, for instance, will also play a big part in the responses he receives. With this in mind, he is anything but helpless and hopeless when it comes to this area of his life. Still, if he were to keep this in mind and follow this advice, it doesn’t mean that he would be able to make much progress. He could still find that he only gets so far and that when doesn’t receive a positive response, he ends up feeling very low. Another Angle Assuming that this is the case, it is likely to show that he needs to try a different approach. What can be playing a big part in why this area of his life is so difficult can be what took place during his early years and the impact that this had on him. This may have been a time when he was brought up by a mother who was generally emotionally out of reach and unable to truly be there for him. Consequently, it would have been normal for him to be ignored, rejected, and left. A Tough Time What he needed, to be able to grow and develop in the right way was a mother who was generally attuned to his needs and was able to meet them. But, as this didn’t take place, he would have been deprived and deeply wounded. To handle the pain that he was in, his brain would have repressed how he felt and a number of his developmental needs. If he wasn’t powerless and totally dependent, he would have been able to change his mother or find a mother who could love him but this wasn’t an option. A Big Impact Along with how deprived and wounded he was and the pain and unmet developmental needs that were repressed, he would have developed a negative view of his own needs, feelings and himself. As a result of being egocentric, he would have believed that his needs and feelings were bad and that he was worthless and unlovable. In addition to this, he would have developed a negative view of women, seeing them as rejecting, cold, out of reach and indifferent. The reason for this is that his mother would have provided him with an inner model of what women are like, with the particular becoming the general. Moving Forward For him to change this area of his life, in addition to the other steps that have been mentioned, he will have pain to face and work through and unmet developmental needs to experience. This will take courage, patience, and persistence. Awareness If a man can relate to this and he is ready to change his life, he may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk Child Abuse: Can Someone Feel Guilty For Living Their Own Life If They Had A Manipulative Parent?25/3/2024
If someone takes a step back and reflects on their life, what they can see is that they often do things that they don’t want to do. So, they can have the tendency to say yes when they would rather say no.
As a result of this, they are going to spend a lot of time doing things that don’t serve them. They could see that they have been this way for as long as they can remember and are now at the point, where they have had enough. A Closer Look If they imagine doing what is right for them and living a life that is in alignment with their true self, they can end up feeling guilty. As opposed to doing the right thing by being there for themselves, then, they will be doing the wrong thing. Due to how strong this inner experience is, a big part of them could conclude that it wouldn’t be right for them to change their behaviour. It might then not be long until they go back to behaving in the same way. Inner Conflict But, as there is another part of them that is not happy living in this way, it is unlikely to be long until they take another step back. After a few days or weeks, then, they could wonder why they feel bad when they put themselves first. If they were to talk to a friend about what is going on for them, they could end up being told that there is no reason for them to feel this way. As far as this friend is concerned, then, putting themselves first will be the right thing for them to do. Going Deeper Now, if they imagine putting themselves first and stay with the guilt that enters their conscious mind, they could come into contact with other feelings. They could find that along with feeling guilty, they expect to be rejected and isolated if they do what is right for them. Thus, not only will they be doing something wrong by putting themselves first, but they won’t be supported and will end up being all alone. At this point, it could be said that what is going on for them is irrational. The Truth Ultimately, even if changing their behaviour causes some people in their life to pull away, there will be other people who will enter their life. These people will support them for who they are. Based on this, they can change their behaviour and know that their life will gradually get better. Yet, although they can agree with this, it doesn’t mean that they will just be able to change their behaviour. Weighed Down What this is likely to illustrate is how strong this guilt is; they will be more or less paralysed by it. From the outside, then, they will look free, but, from the inside, it will be as though they are in a prison. If this is how they have been for as long as they can remember, there is a chance that it is a consequence of what took place during their formative years. This may have been a stage of their life when they had a mother or a father who wasn’t very loving, supportive or kind. A Tough Time The main priority of this parent would have been to make sure that they did what they wanted them to do, not to provide them with what they needed to grow and develop in the right way. To do this, they would have typically made out that they were bad if they didn’t do what they wanted. As they needed their attention and acceptance, they would have been willing to do just about anything to please them. The trouble is that while this would have allowed them to receive attention and be accepted, it would have caused them to develop a negative relationship with their own needs and feelings. A natural outcome They would have come to believe that their needs and feelings were bad and that the only way for them to be loved and supported was to do what others wanted. Furthermore, thanks to how they were treated and the pain that they experienced, they would have lost touch with their true self. Focusing on the needs and feelings of others, while being estranged from their own needs and feelings, would have become the norm. How they behave as an adult will then be a continuation of how they had to behave as a child. Built On Sand With this in mind, the toxic guilt that they experience when they put themselves first is not a sign that they are doing something wrong; no, it is simply a sign that they are going against their early conditioning. Most likely, their mother or father were deeply wounded during their early years and for whatever reason, were unable to heal any of their inner wounds, which is why they repeated what was done to them or something that was very similar. If their mother or father had been able to be there for them and provide them with what they needed, putting themselves first would feel comfortable. Having this understanding won’t necessarily transform their life but it is a key point for them to keep in mind. Awareness If someone can relate to this and they are ready to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article, as many others have.
Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk Mother-Enmeshed Men: Can A Woman Help A Mother-Enmeshed Man To Break Away From His Mother?24/3/2024
What might stand out, if a woman has been with a man for a little while, is that he is overly focused on his mother. She can find it strange that he is so caught up with her and unable to live his own life.
However, she can believe that she has what it takes to gradually pull him out of his mother’s world. Naturally, if she can do this, it will allow him to focus on his own life and be there for her. A Challenge She might not have a clear idea about how long this will take her but she might believe that it won’t take her too long. And, as she is willing to do this, it is likely to show that she loves him or at the very least, is very fond of him. She is then not going to be wasting her time and energy; she will be investing her time and energy into something that will pay off over time. So, if she hasn’t already, she might talk to him about what is going on for her and what she believes is going on for him. One outcome He might accept what she has said and say that he wants to change as he doesn’t want to lose her, for instance. After this, he could look into what he can do to gradually change his life and do what he needs to do. Fortunately, he will be with a woman who is supportive and encouraging, which will make it easier for him to draw the line with his mother and no longer turn his back on himself. Still, this could be a very slow process, with it taking a number of months if not years until he is ready to do this. Up and down Moreover, there can be times when he takes a step back and is in denial about what is going on. This can then lead to conflict in their relationship and the woman might question if she has made the right decision to stand by him. Over time, though, provided that he works on himself, this is likely to be something that takes place less often. There can then come a point when she is able to see that she made the right decision. Another outcome Conversely, after talking to him about what is going on, he might deny what she says and make out that she is the problem. Or, he could accept what she says but not take the steps to do anything about it. If the latter takes place, she could end up looking into what he can do to change his life. Consequently, she will be behaving more like his parent than his partner and this is likely to lead to resentment as time passes. Out of Balance If he was playing his part, it would be different but as she will be doing for him what he should be doing for himself, she will have gone further than this. She will then be in a position where he is not there for her and she is being deprived and now she will be doing even more for him. Therefore, she is likely to feel even more exhausted as time passes, and, she could start to wonder if she has made the right decision. Some of her friends and perhaps family could also wonder why she is behaving in this way. Back In Balance What she needs to keep in mind is that she is his partner, not his parent. There is then what she can do for him and what he needs to do for himself. As he is not in his power and is not connected to his inner fire, she will have taken the reins. Now, if he was playing his part it would be different but, as he isn’t, she will be doing too much for him. Another Element Additionally, as she is playing the role of a parent, he can end up believing that she is trying to control him and end up resenting her in the process. Thus, instead of being thanked for what she is doing, she can be accused of doing something that she isn’t doing. If this does take place, she could end up feeling angry and deeply hurt. She will have given so much and yet, she will be treated as though she is trying to undermine him, not help him. A Different Approach At this point, she might come to see that it is in her best interest to cut her ties with him or else she will end up in a very bad way. If she is already in a very bad way, she will run herself even further into the ground. What might soon enter her mind is that she needs to look into why she felt that it was her responsibility to save him and why she didn’t cut her ties with him before. If she were to explore her early years, she may find that this was a stage of her life when she was made to feel responsible for her mother and/or father and was deprived and deeply wounded. Awareness If a woman can relate to this and she is ready to change her life, she may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article, as many others have.
Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
As someone is a separate individual with their own needs and feelings, they are not always going to want to do what another person wants them to do. During these moments, they will need to make this clear.
If this wasn’t the case, there would be no reason for them to say no to another person. However, although being able to say no is important, this might not be something that they feel comfortable with. No protection The outcome of this is that it will be normal for them to say yes when they would rather say no and end up doing things that they would rather not do. Naturally, this will have a negative effect on them. There will be the impact it has on their mental and emotional health. It might go further than this, though, as they could often do things that have a negative impact on their body. No Choice If they are aware of how they often agree to do things that they don’t want to do, they could find that this just happens. It is then not that they consciously choose to behave in this way. What might enter their might at this point is that they lose their connection to themselves and the ability to exert their will. It might then be as if someone or something ‘out there’ is controlling them. Another Part What they might also see is that to protect themselves, they spend a fair amount of time by themselves. By not being around others, they won’t need to worry about having to do things that they don’t want to do. The downside of this, of course, is that this will cause them to miss out on the human contact that they need. What this comes down to is that they are an interdependent human being, who needs others. The Key For their life to change, they will need to feel comfortable standing their ground around another or others. Until this takes place, isolating themselves will be seen as the only way for them to make sure that they are not compelled to do something that they don’t want to do. If they were to look back on their life, they could see that they have behaved in this way for as long as they can remember. As a result of this, they might even believe that they were born this way. Going Deeper But, regardless of this, there is a chance that what took place during their formative played a big part in why they are this way. This may have been a stage of their life when they were typically not treated like an individual. Their mother and/or father might have seen them as an extension of themselves. Therefore, it wouldn’t have mattered if they wanted to do something as they generally wouldn’t have had a choice. Walked over If they were not powerless and totally dependent, they would have been able to stand up for themselves or to find another family. Their only option was to lose touch with a number of their own needs and feelings and to do what their mother and/or father wanted. To deal with this, they may have spent a fair amount of time by themselves. This would have separated them from their family but it would have stopped them from being violated. Disembodied Being treated in this way and not seen as a separate individual would have deprived them of the attunement and love that they needed to grow and develop in the right way. They would have been wounded and deeply deprived. Instead of feeling safe being in their body and connected to their needs and feelings and expressing themselves, they would have been forced to disconnect from their body and their needs and feelings and not felt safe expressing themselves. How they behave as an adult is then going to be a continuation of how it was for them as a child. A Different Experience For them to get back in their body, reconnect to their needs and feelings and feel comfortable expressing themselves, they are likely to have a lot of pain to face and work through and unmet developmental needs to experience. This will play a big part in them being able to develop a felt sense of safety and worth. Over time, doing what is right for them will feel comfortable. This will take courage, patience, and persistence. Awareness If someone can relate to this and they are ready to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article, as many others have.
Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
If a man is in a position where his life revolves around his mother and he neglects himself, it will be clear that he needs to start implementing boundaries. This is the only way that he will be able to reclaim himself.
Until this takes place, he will continue to turn his back on himself and a lot of his time and energy will be directed toward his mother. The trouble is that not only will he be neglecting himself, but, he might not be aware of this. Another Element And, if he is in a relationship, his partner is likely to be only too aware of the fact that he is out of balance. She can want him to draw the line with his mother and start asserting himself in their relationship. Due to how he behaves, he might not have much time for her and, when he is around, he could typically be very passive and easy-going. As a result of this, she could often be in her masculine energy when she is around him. A Lot of Effort She can then be the one who makes most of the decisions and plans what they are going to do. While she might not mind playing this role from time to time, it is likely to be tiring for her to more or less always play this role. If she has a job where she is a manager, for instance, she is naturally going to want to have moments in her life when she can let go and allow another person to take over. Yet, if she has spoken to him about what is going on for her and what she has noticed about him, she might not have been able to get very far. Two Outcomes He might not have listened to what she said and soon changed the subject. Or, he might have ended up agreeing with what she said but that might have been as far as it has gone. What might then have stood out, after this, is that there is not much chance of him changing any time soon. At this point, she might wonder if she needs to cut her ties with him and move on. Another Scenario However, if he was to agree with what she says and he was to see that he needs to do something about his life, he could question why he is this way. He could see that he finds it hard to stand up for himself and be assertive. Going with the flow and doing what others want, his mother, in particular, will be what comes easy. After becoming aware of this, he could feel angry and frustrated, and even end up feeling very low and depressed. Looking Deeper If he was to imagine standing up for himself and being assertive, he could experience a lot of resistance. By pushing through this resistance, he could find that he expects to be rejected and even harmed. From this, it will be clear that standing his ground is not seen as something that will have a positive effect on his life; it is seen as something that will have a negative effect on his life. For him to be accepted and to survive, he will need to ignore his own needs. What’s going on? It can seem strange as to why he would be this way, but, if his early years were taken into account it might soon make sense. During this stage of his life, his mother is unlikely to have provided him with the love that he needed to grow and develop in the right way. Instead, she is likely to have looked toward him to be there for her. The outcome of this is that he would have been forced to lose touch with a number of his developmental needs and feelings and become estranged from his true self in the process. Another Part When he did express himself, he is likely to have typically been criticised, rejected and even abandoned. There may have also been moments when he was physically harmed for asserting his will. Therefore, instead of being encouraged and supported for expressing himself, he would have been punished in one way or another for doing so. It would have taken too much effort and been too painful for him to express himself, which would have caused him to slowly lose touch with this need. The meaning Furthermore, these experiences would have caused him to believe that he had no control over his life. Many, many years will have passed but a big part of him will still see life in the same way. The truth is that he can express himself and not only survive but thrive and he does have control over his life. For him to know this, at the core of his being, he is likely to have pain to face and work through and unmet developmental needs to experience. Awareness If a man can relate to this and he is ready to change his life, he may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article, as many others have.
Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
If a man is unable to live his own life, due to how focused he is on his mother, it can appear as though she is the main problem. It might even seem as though the only way that he will be free is if his mother passes on.
This is something that a woman could say as a result of how caught up he is in his mother’s world. Unless this happens, then, it can appear as though he won’t be able to break away and live his own life. A natural outcome To someone who is on the outside and is unaware of how he behaves, what she has said might sound a bit extreme. But, if they were to put themselves in her shoes for a short while, they might soon understand why she has this view. They will be able to see that he is seldom there for himself and his mother is the centre of his world. Thus, he will be a separate being but he will act as if he is an extension of his mother. Back In Time Taking into account how he behaves, it is highly likely that this is a continuation of how it was for him as a child. So, throughout this stage of his life, a number of his developmental needs are likely to have been ignored, with him being forced to focus on her needs. A time in his life when he needed to receive love, in order to grow and develop in the right way, would have been a time when he had to give and behave more like her parent. The outcome of this is that he would have been deeply deprived and greatly wounded. Developmentally Stunted His physical and mental self would have grown, but, as a number of his developmental needs were rarely if ever met, his emotional self will be frozen in time. In other words, he will look like an adult but he will feel like a child deep down. Based on this, his mother was able to give birth to a child but she wasn’t in a position to provide her child with what they needed to experience an emotional birth. This is likely to be because she was developmentally stunted, after being used by one or both of her parents and was unable to give him the love that he needed. Another Part Now, his father might not have been around during this time; then again, he might have been around. If he was around, he might have been emotionally unavailable and unable to truly be there for his son. Not only this, he might have generally been dominated by his son’s mother and acted more like her son than her equal. If so, both his mother and his father wouldn’t have been able to provide him with what he needed. A Big Impact As his father also acted like an extension of her, he wouldn’t have been exposed to a healthy way of behaving. His father would have sent him the message that behaving in this way is what is normal and the right thing to do. And, if he tried to express himself or was assertive, his father might have soon criticised or harmed him. From this, it will be clear that his father was not in his power, which is why he couldn’t help his son to realise his power. One priority Just as his mother was primarily focused on meeting her own needs, his father was also focused on meeting his own needs. In all likelihood, his father had a fear of being abandoned, and, therefore, did what he could to please his partner to avoid being left. What this is likely to show is that he was deprived of what he needed during his formative years. At this stage of his life, he probably had a mother who used him and a father who lacked backbone. A Replay Naturally, as his mother and father were wounded children who needed a mother and father, it is to be expected that they wouldn’t have been able to give him what he needed to grow into a strong man. It will now be up to him to do what he needs to do to gradually change his life. However, he will need to become aware of what is going on before this can take place. For this to happen, something dramatic might need to take place. Awareness If a man can relate to this and he is ready to change his life, he may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk Mother-Enmeshed Man: Why Would A Mother-Enmeshed Man Feel Selfish For Putting Himself First?17/3/2024
What should be normal is for a man to be there for himself and take care of his own needs. By being this way, he will be able to live a life that is worth living.
However, while putting himself first should be normal, this could be something that rarely takes place. Instead, he can typically ignore himself and focus on his mother’s needs. No Life As a result of this, a number of his own needs are going to be overlooked and he is unlikely to have a life that is fulfilling. The time and energy that would allow him to elevate his own life will be directed toward his mother. But, although he will be neglecting himself, this might not be something that he is consciously aware of. Furthermore, he could receive a lot of positive feedback from family and friends. The Wrong Path If someone were to point out that he is living in the wrong way, though, it might not have much of an impact on him. It could go in one ear and out of the other and he might even criticise them. From this, it will be clear that he is not ready to accept that he is out of balance. What this will also show is that he is out of touch with many of his needs and his need to meet those needs. Outer Directed In the place of this connection and need, will be the connection that he has to his mother’s needs and his need to meet them. He is then going to be a separate human being but it will be as though he is merely an extension of his mother. No matter what he does, then, his main priority will be to be there for his mother and take care of her. Naturally, this is going to take its toll on him and sooner or later, he might no longer be able to behave in this way. A fall Assuming that he was to arrive at a point where he is unable to behave in this way, this can end up being a time when he will start to question why his life is this way. He can come to see that being there for his mother is what feels comfortable, even though it is having a negative effect on him and his life. If he were to imagine putting himself first and saying no to his mother, he could soon be filled with guilt and shame. Based on this, it will be wrong for him to be there for himself and right for him to be there for his mother. What’s going on? As this is what is going on for him, it is to be expected that he would ignore himself and focus on his mother's needs. Not behaving in this way will cause him to experience a lot of discomfort and to feel as if he is being self-centred. Yet, as he is here to live his own life and not be an extension of anyone else, it doesn’t make any sense for him to be this way. Nonetheless, if his early years are taken into account, it is likely to soon make sense. Back In Time Practically from the moment that he was born, he is likely to have been deprived of the attunement and love that he needed. And, when he expressed certain needs, he is likely to have typically been ignored, criticised, rejected and left. He would then have had no other choice but to lose touch with himself and focus on his mother's needs. Not only would this have deeply wounded him but, as he was egocentric, he would have come to believe that his needs, feelings and his self were bad. Brainwashed Ergo, due to how his mother and perhaps his father treated him, he would have developed a very negative relationship with himself. The most important stage of his life, when it comes to his development, would have been a time when he was conditioned to abandon himself and be there for his mother. He was powerless and totally dependent at this stage and he probably wouldn’t have been exposed to a healthy model of how to behave. If his father also focused on his mother's needs, this would have played a part in him believing that behaving in this way was the right thing to do. The Truth If this is what took place or something that was very similar to it, he will need to keep in mind that he was violated and used by one or two people who were most likely deeply damaged and had been deprived during their formative years. So, what this means is that how he came to view his own needs, feelings and self is wrong. Ultimately, there is nothing wrong with his needs, feelings or self, and he is here to live his own life. For him to know this at the core of his being, he is likely to have a lot of healing work to do. Awareness If a man can relate to this and he is ready to change his life, he may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article, as many others have.
Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
If someone were to take a step back and reflect on their life, what might stand out is that they have the tendency to put other people’s needs first. They may see that this takes place without them even thinking about it.
Naturally, the outcome of this is that they will also have the tendency to ignore their own needs. So, while this will allow them to please others and receive a lot of positive feedback in the process, they will neglect themselves. Inner Conflict At this point, they could be well and truly fed up with living in this way. But, although this is likely to be the case, they could find that their need to behave in this way is so strong that they are unable to simply change their behaviour. In fact, it could be as if someone or something ‘out there’ is making them behave this way. Either way, they are not going to believe that they have what it takes to experience life differently. External Support If they were to end up looking for answers, they could soon learn that there are a number of things that they need to do. So, they can see that they need to change their ‘negative’ thoughts and what they believe and even raise their self-esteem. By doing this, they will gradually be able to change how they behave. Altering what is going on up top, then, will allow them to focus on their own needs and do what is right for them. A Different Reality As the weeks and months pass, they could see that their need to please others has greatly subsided and that they spend more time meeting their own needs. As a result of this, they are likely to find that their life is far more fulfilling. One outcome of this is that some of their relationships may have changed, while may have come to an end. They may have also developed a number of new relationships. A new life It could go even further than this, though, as they could have started a new job or be thinking about taking this step. What might have also crossed their mind is moving somewhere else and starting over again. As dramatic as something like this may appear to be from the outside, it will be a perfectly normal effect on them living a life that is more aligned with who they are. Their true essence will be seeing the light of day. Another Scenario Alternatively, they could find that this approach doesn’t have much of an impact on them and they still have a strong need to please others and overlook their own needs. If they were to imagine changing their behaviour and putting themselves first, they could soon feel anxious and fearful. If they were to go deeper, they could end up feeling rejected and abandoned. Assuming that they do, one way of looking at this would be to say that these feelings are caused by their ‘negative’ thoughts and these need to be changed for their life to change. Another Angle However, there is a chance that the feelings that they experience are triggered by their thoughts, not caused by them. Moreover, what can play a big part in why they are behaving in this way can be their unmet development need to be loved. Their childhood will then be over but they won’t have truly moved on from this stage of their life. Therefore, if they purely focus on what is taking place in their mind and change their behaviour, they won’t deal with what is really driving them. Going Deeper With this in mind, on one level, it will be as though they are just trying to please other adults and that this is partly because they have low self-esteem. But, at a deeper level, other adults will be seen as parental figures who can provide them with the love that they missed out on as a child. This shows that the needs that were not met during their developmental years didn’t simply disappear and are continuing to influence their life from behind the scenes, so to speak. What this illustrates is that, when it comes to change, it is essential to explore what is taking place in both the conscious and the unconscious mind. A Closer Look So, during their early years, they may have had a mother and/or a father who was emotionally unavailable and unable to provide them with the love that they needed. This would have caused them to be deprived and deeply wounded. To handle this, their brain would have repressed a number of their developmental needs and the pain they were in. Additionally, as they were egocentric, they would have personalised what took place and blocked out reality. The Next Stage Still, they would have continued to try to receive the love that wasn’t available by ignoring themselves and doing what they could to please their parents. After their childhood came to an end and they became an adult, their early struggle would have continued. For them to no longer turn their back on themselves, they will need to face and work through the pain that was repressed and experience their unmet developmental needs. This will take courage, patience, and persistence. Awareness If someone can relate to this and they are ready to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article, as many others have.
Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk |
Oliver JR CooperAuthor of 26 books, Transformational Writer, Teacher & Consultant. Introductory Consultation
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Disclaimer
That which is contained within these articles is based on my own empirical understanding and is true for me at the time they were written. However, as I continue to grow, what I perceive as the truth will inevitably change and as a result of this - parts of these articles may not reflect my current outlook.
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