When one looks for a relationship, there are emotional needs that one is looking for another person to fulfil within them. These needs can be conscious and known, and they can be unconscious and unknown.

And some of these needs will be possible for another person to fulfil and meet and some of these needs will not be.

Emotional Needs

The needs that I am talking about include: validation, acceptance, attention and approval. On the surface these needs can appear to be healthy and functional.

However, the desire to have these needs met shows that they are lacking in some way or do not exist in the individual already. And as we are not perfect human beings and neither are we meant to be; it is normal to have needs.

What is important here is to find out what these needs are; if it is possible for another to fulfil these needs and where they are coming from.

The Power Of Needs

The drive to have these needs met is incredible powerful and when these needs are not met it can lead to all kinds of mental and emotional consequences. In the short term this could cause one to feel frustrated and angry. And in the long term this could result in one feeling disempowered and even depressed. 
 
When these needs are perceived as only being able to be fulfilled through other people, it can create dependence, manipulation and desperation.

If one perceives these needs as only being able to be fulfilled through other people; it is natural for one to feel at the mercy others. And then to either control another or to be controlled can seem to be the only options.

The Ego Mind

One of the things that the ego mind does is project onto the outside world what has not been realised and acknowledged within. And this is what happens when it comes to certain emotional needs.

As we can see, these needs appear to exist externally and in the form of other people. But when one is with other person and feels these needs, it is a process that is going inside. With the other person acting like a catalyst or mirror, that allows one to feel these needs being fulfilled.

Associations

What then happens is one’s ego mind begins to associate these needs as only being able to be fulfilled through the other person. And ones wellbeing begins to depend on the other person. 

This can lead to two scenarios. If the other person ends the relationship it can lead to feeling rejected, abandoned, betrayed and not wanted any more. Or one can end the relationship oneself and find another person that fulfils the needs in the same way.

And in each of these two scenarios one can feel emotional and mental pain. If one cannot observe their internal processes the same cycle is likely to continue. This can happen without one ever questioning where these needs have come from and if it is possible for another to fulfil them.

Awareness

As these needs are projected externally by the ego mind and then show up in others, it is not easy to observe what is going on. With the emotions, thoughts, feelings and sensations and the external reality that these create; it can be extremely difficult to detach from what shows up.

One can then feel trapped by circumstances and enslaved to these needs. But if the ego mind has projected these needs externally, why has this happened?

And if one doesn’t accept or approve of oneself for example; is it possible for another to do these things?

Through observing the processes of the mind and body, one can come to question and answer if this is actually possible.

Repression

In order to understand why these have been projected externally one needs to look at their history. And one of the biggest blocks and challenges in looking at ones history is the defence mechanism known as - repression.

Here the past situations that were traumatic and therefore unprocessed remain frozen and stuck in the body. One is unlikely to be aware of this occurrence and all of these memories will influence ones behaviour and perceptions.

Childhood

It is during ones childhood that these needs first appear and at this stage is it not possible for the child to take care of these needs. Here the child will need to be; mirrored, accepted, validated and soothed by the caregiver.

An in an ideal world this needs would be taken care of; so that the child can grow up to be emotionally and mentally functional and well adjusted. However, this is something that doesn’t always happen and then these needs are partly taken care of or they are completely ignored. 

Consequences

After one has experienced the rejection or invalidation of their needs as a child, one is likely to have repressed these needs. Here one will either look outside for their fulfilment or deny them altogether.

Due to this process going on unconsciously one is often unaware that this process is even taking place. And as an adult one can regress to this earlier stage in their life and take on the role of the inner child.

Inner Child

Because even though one is an adult and therefore has different needs to what a child has; if one regresses to the inner child one can perceive another as a being a parent or a caregiver.

And the only way for the child to have any of its needs taken care of was through another person. It was not possible for the child to take care of these needs.  So what the trauma of the past does is associate these needs as coming from another person.

Relationship Mirrors

One of the things that relationships can assist with is to mirror all that one has not acknowledged and let go off from their past.

And during the stages of a relationship, one can feel that these needs are finally being taken care of. One can be aware of their inner child here or they may not. But what is clear to see is that although another can be a mirror to processing what happened in the past, they cannot give one what didn’t happen in the past.

The needs that one has during a child are inevitably going to be different to the needs that one has as an adult. 

The Past Repeats Itself

And whether these have been processed or not, will go a long way to defining what will happen in ones development.  One could end up on an endless cycle of going from one relationship to another and unconsciously searching for those neglected childhood needs.

Being The Observer

When one has identified with their ego mind and merged with the inner child, it can create the illusion that one is missing something within and that these missing parts can only be found through another person. What another person can do, is allow one to realise that they already exist within.

These are perceptions that are coming from the past and unless one can observe the past it will be experienced as present day truth.  It is through the observing the mind that one can begin to let go of these illusions, projections and regressions of the ego mind. 

If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get  in touch. And feel free to share this article.

Oliver J R Cooper
http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk/

Parents that are abusive often deny that the abuse has ever taken place. And if it is not denied, then it may even be minimized. Both of these actions can have devastating consequences on the lives of those that were abused.

So here I want to take a closer look at why parents deny or minimize abuse and why adult children of abuse are affected by this denial and minimization.

Denial And Minimization

These are known as defence mechanisms that the ego mind uses. And like any defence mechanism, these are used for protection and stability.  The ego minds main purpose is to be safe; it does not care if something is accurate or inaccurate or whether it is functional or dysfunctional.

So anything that the ego mind perceives as a threat to its own sense of safety and internal equilibrium will be dealt with via a defence mechanism. The saying ‘The truth hurts’ comes to mind here and one of the reasons for this is that the ego mind does not run on what is true it only cares about what is familiar and therefore safe. 

Awareness

However, although we all have an ego mind, we are not the mind itself; we are the observers of the mind. And it is the level of awareness that one has, that will define if it is possible to be aware of when these defence mechanism are being utilized.

And when one has minimal to no awareness; the ego mind becomes like a parasite. Here the ego mind can completely take over and what is actually going on will become very difficult for one to see and therefore to take responsibility for. It is then possible for the past to completely forgotten; at least consciously and a kind amnesia can occur.

Why Do These Exist?

In order for the abusive parents to use these defence mechanism, there must have been something that happened earlier in order for them to need them. Because through there use, they are protecting themselves from something.

Self Regulation

I have come to believe that the reason abuse is carried out in the first place is to regulate what was going on internally for the abusive parent. For example; the parents felt angry, frustrated, hopeless or powerless and as a way to deal with those painful feelings, the parent behaves in a certain way toward the child as a means to regulating this inner conflict.

And so for the abusive parent to admit to what happened they would have to get back in touch with the feelings, thoughts, sensations and emotions that occurred in the first place. This is likely to be an extremely painful experience and therefore the defence mechanisms hold the experience at bay.

Is There More To it?

It would be easy to say that this is all there is to it. However, where did the anger, frustration, hopelessness or powerlessness for example, begin in the first place? And the reason I say this is because abuse is typically something that is a regular occurrence and is not something that might happen once in a while. 

Were all human and can all experience the above emotions from time to time, but parents that are abusive, experience this on a regular basis. And in order to carry out this abusive behaviour, these emotions are clearly occur without the
awareness to change them.

From One Generation To The Other

The abusive behaviour of adults usually starts in their childhood and abusive parents are no different in this respect. The Internal processes that the abusive parents are trying to regulate through their children, in the form of abuse; is a consequence of how they were made to feel by their parents.

And as a result of not becoming aware of this trauma and processing what happened all those years ago, there will naturally be a lot of defence mechanisms in place for their own protection. These are likely to be defence mechanisms that were first formed while they were being abused and had to be implemented for their own survival.

The Truth Hurts

So not only would the abusive parents have to re-experience the feelings that they felt during the abuse of the child; they would also have to experience the original unprocessed trauma that happened to them as a vulnerable and innocent child.

Whether these feelings could be classed as being different is debatable, as they are coming from the same place. They may have grown physically since those times, but emotionally and mentally there may not be much of a difference.

And as I have mentioned above about amnesia occurring; at first these defences would have been experienced in a certain way and over the years they would have just got stronger and stronger; until they took over completely. So here one forgets that they have forgotten and then it doesn’t matter what is going on externally or what evidence is available. The ego mind only sees what it wants to see and will filter out anything that opposes its views.

So Why Does It Matter?

When the child has grown into an adult and no longer needs their abusive parents to survive it would seem strange that there would still be any tension or that they would still be affected. Logically this may make no sense whatsoever.

And the reason for this is that although one may have grown physically; their emotional development will have been inhibited through what happened. On one side there is the abuse which will cause problems for the child when it grows up and on the other side there is the invalidation of what happened.

Within ones subconscious mind and in the cells of their body these memories have become trapped and will continue to recreate the same feelings, thoughts, emotions and sensation until hey have been looked at and processed. The reason for this is due to the repression that happened and nothing ever changes by repressing it; it only becomes stronger and more dysfunctional.

Inner Child

The inner child resides in the stomach area and when these past memories have not been looked at, one is at the risk of regressing to this inner child. And with a history of abuse that has not been looked at; it is unlikely that this inner child going to be in a good way.

Here the inner child will be attached to the abusive parents out of the need to survive. And will then need the approval, acceptance, validation and attention of the abusive parents to survive. So the very things that the inner child needs from the abusive parents is something that was never given by them in the beginning and will never be given from them in the end.

Awareness

What this shows is the importance of awareness in ending the cycle of abuse. It is clear that gaining validation and acknowledgment from abusive parents is more or less impossible. 

And although the inner child needs this from the parents, it is not something that one truly needs. The inner child can be validated and acknowledged through the help of a therapist, trusted friend, support group or healer for example.

This is because one is the observer of all these aspects and is therefore not limited or trapped by them. To fight and resist what happened will only create struggle and further enslavement to them. Through observing these aspects one can gradually let go of the past.

If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article.

Oliver J R Cooper
http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk/

If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article.

Oliver J R Cooper
http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk/

In today’s world the primary focus is on the intelligence and knowledge of the ego mind; the heart is often ignored and dismissed. It’s only in the recent years that it has been considered by the mainstream as anything other than just an organ.

So here I will give my current opinion on why the heart has been largely ignored in the today’s world.

The Beginning

From the moment one is born, one is taught to listen to the advice and recommendations of other people. And at such a young age this is important in the development and maturation of a child. If this external support was not there a child would not last very long.

And after these formative years of being informed by others about the do’s and don’ts of life, one will then go onto experience the same from teachers, peers and from many societal influences.

What this naturally creates is a tendency to look outside for what one should be doing and what one shouldn’t be doing. If this is what one has been brought up to do and has not been taught to do anything else; why would one do anything else?

Point Of Focus

Through the conditioning that had started from the time of birth and that has gone onto ones present life; there will be the tendency for ones attention to become fixed in the mind.

And perhaps this is because we are not taught that we are not our mind and that we are the observer’s of our mind. So it is only natural that we have come to identify with our mind.

During these early experiences the ego mind comes to form ideas about what is safe and what is not safe. And through this external feedback; one is likely to feel safe through looking outside of oneself.

Why Is This?

What will go a long way to defining whether one feels safe to look inside or not, will depend upon the types of experiences that they had as a child and in there proceeding life experiences.

For example: if one only felt accepted or approved of when they did what their caregivers asked of them, then this will naturally create associations of fear around doing what one wants.

And if their feelings or emotional expressions were denied or dismissed, this will also go a long way to cutting them off from their heart.

Trauma

As well as being conditioned to only feel accepted by pleasing others; there is also trauma that one is likely to have experienced to some degree or another. For some people this might have consisted of numerous extreme experiences and for others this may have been the odd unpleasant experience.

Regardless of this, we all human so it is investable that we have felt pain and have been hurt at some point in our lives

Frozen In Time

And what will make all the difference here is awareness or the lack of it. If one has not looked at these past experiences or has not processed this original trauma; their unconscious mind will have become trapped in these old patterns and ways of perceiving life. And this means that their conscious mind will constantly be drawn to these unconscious memoires.

It will not be possible for one to see life through fresh eyes or to experience the different parts of there being. The original trauma and fear will keep ones attention stuck in survival mode.

Ones awareness will be drawn into the body and the ego mind. There will be very little awareness of one’s heart or that one can be aware of their whole being and not be trapped to any one part or expression.

The Traumatized Heart

What this trauma will also do is make it extremely hard for ones awareness to connect to the hearts intelligence. Not only will this unprocessed pain be lying dormant in the body, it will also reside in the heart itself.

The traumatic experiences that one has had with their caregivers and in later life will be felt here. These can be felt as: rejection, abandonment and emptiness for example. And as anyone who has experienced these things during life will know; the heart often closes up and retracts as a result of these experiences.

It does this to protect itself and during this time ones awareness is brought to the ego mind and the ego minds main priority is to keep one safe. So again we can see the focus comes back to survival again. And one can no longer operate from every aspect of their being.

The Ego Mind

This trauma then makes it hard for one to tune into their hearts intelligence and knowing. And when one identifies with the ego mind, there will be the likelihood of regressing to the inner child.

And all the ego mind knows is the past and what is known, it cannot operate from the new and the unknown as the heart can. The ego mind can only regurgitate what has already been done; creativity does not begin in the mind. We can see that the mind sees the world though duality and has important abilities to offer, that include; organising and planning.

It has its uses of course, but to completely live from the ego mind will leave one enslaved to it. And ones whole attention will be focused on the external world.

The Heart

However, the nature of the heart is completely different experience.  The energy field of the heart has recently been found to be exponentially larger than that of the mind. This might be news in mainstream; but it has surely been known for many years on some level to people who are in tune with their heart, that there is a massive difference.

                           

There is an inner peace that exists in the heart space.  It does not see the duality or the separation that the ego mind does. Ones inner calling can be found here and although inspiration is often required, it is not relied upon. Inspiration works as a catalyst; so that what already exists within can be expressed. 

If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article.

Oliver J R Cooper
http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk/

There is something that is known as self sabotage and what this actually means may not be clear to many people. So let’s look at what the word sabotage means first.

On the dictionary.com website sabotage is described as: any underhand interference with production, work, etc., in a plant, factory, etc., as by enemy agents during wartime or by employees during a trade dispute. And as - any undermining of a cause.

What is clear to see is that sabotage means to undermine; so therefore self sabotage means to undermine oneself. This might sound nonsensical; why would one undermine their own life or their own success?

Another Example

In biology there is something called an autoimmune disease or reaction. And here the immune system, through having incorrect information, attacks its own cells. So then, not only can this go on at a mental or behavioural level for example, it can also happen at a biological level.

Is there a connection here? Are the mind and body connected or are have they just happened to end up playing the same game?

Self Sabotage

This shows that Self sabotage is not limited to a single expression of one’s life; it can also be seen as operating in many different areas. What is also clear to see is that there is opposing factors involved and that as a result of these differing factors one is in conflict. And not only is there conflict with the outside world, there is conflict in the inner world.

Examples

On one side one might have the desire to attract the perfect mate and then as soon as this person comes along; something happens and out of the nowhere the relationship ends.  Or maybe it doesn’t even go as far as that. Perhaps one says they want to achieve something, but don’t even bother to ‘show up’ or participate in the area of their pursuit.

There may be a certain point or peak that one is aiming for and just as this point is going to be achieved something happens and this moment is taken away from their grasp. And what makes this so frustrating is that this is often a constant occurrence.

How Could This Happen?

So although there is self sabotage working it might seem as though this is all going on externally and that one is at the whim of external factors. Consciously why would one ask for something and then end up behaving in ways that would sabotage the very thing they have asked for?

And this is where the importance of the ego mind comes in. Consciously there are needs and wants that one has. However these might not match up with or correspond what one feels safe with at a deeper level.

This deeper level could be classed as the unconscious or what one is simply unaware off.

Conflict

And unless these two areas are in sync and with what one is going for, there is likely to be conflict and this creates the potential for self sabotage. This is where awareness comes into it. If one is not aware of the two aspects and just experiences the sabotage in their life; it is only natural to feel unlucky and that life is not on ones side.

The Hidden Parts

The parts that are in opposition to what one wants and needs on the surface are usually unknown to the person that is experiencing self sabotage; with the ego mind repressing these memories due to the pain that they initially created.

And although these past memories could be causing one to act in ways that diminish their chances of achieving what it is they want, to the ego mind they are familiar and therefore safe. The ego mind does not respond to what is functional or dysfunctional, it simple responds to what is familiar.

It’s Safe

So if one is sabotaging an area of their life or keeps returning to an experience that one wants to evolve out of, it is probably because there is an association of being safe with that experience.  This is also known as a secondary gain. What this means is that on the surface there appears to be no benefits whatsoever, but if one were to look a little deeper they would see there are benefits.

In order to do this one needs to observe the mind. Because the ego mind will always come up with an excuse and it can always defend its own position.

At the root this will be to do with feeling safe and from there it is likely to include feeling accepted and approved. And if one were too evolve and let go, it might cause one to feel that they would be rejected. And this rejection is often experienced as being equivalent to death.

These associations might have very little to do with ones current life and might be seen as inaccurate. And in ones present situation this is probably true; although the ego mind will project the past onto the present unless it has been processed. This means the past will be perceived and created through old eyes.

Regression

If one is seeing the present through the eyes of the past it shows that regression is occurring. Here one is likely to feel and behave as they did in a previous situation or how they did as a child. And these experiences now exist as the inner child.

Although one has grown physically, the inner child may be holding onto these old associations; with these old associations also coming together to form the ego mind.  

Awareness

Whether one calls it the inner child or prefers to just see it purely as the ego mind and conditioning does not matter; what is important is awareness.  By becoming aware of these hidden and repressed parts one can begin to see why the conflict exists.

In the past there may have been good reasons to hold onto these experiences that are now causing present pain and stagnation; but now these associations and memories are no longer necessary and have become disempowering.

And unless one is aware of these patterns there will be the tendency to embody the experience again and regress to what is safe.

Self Understanding

This is not about blaming or scolding oneself. In each moment of our lives we are doing what we are doing, because of the awareness that we have in that moment.

And our awareness can always increase and with that our life can change into what empowers us and honours our true expression.

If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article.

Oliver J R Cooper
http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk/

A common relationship problem in today’s world and one that has been around for many years is control. The form that this behaviour takes may have changed over the ages, but the results are still the same.

What is also clear to see is that both men and women can be controlling. However, here we will primarily look at the dynamics of controlling men. And when it is appropriate or needed, I will look at the role that women are playing in all of this.

Because for one side to play out there needs to be the opposite side available. By this I mean that in order for control to be to be possible; there needs to be someone who is willing to be controlled.

How Does This Look?

This behaviour can be displayed in various ways, from the most subtle to the most extreme. Controlling men are often described as: jealous, possessive, domineering, manipulative and violent; to name but a few examples.

Here, a woman could feel emotionally upset and compromised on one side of the spectrum.  To being physically hurt and mentally and emotionally abused at the other side of the scale.

Justification

Although this behaviour is dysfunctional and destructive; it will often be justified.  This means that this behaviour will be described as being an expression of love, care or protection for example. And anything that the woman says that opposes this view will be denied and dismissed.

So this means that the man’s true motives will remain unknown to the women; they might even be unknown to the man. It will all depend on how aware he is.

Another consequence of this is that the women may feel invalidated and start to question, doubt and deny her inner senses.

Defence Mechanisms

The act of justifying, denying and dismissing are all defence mechanisms the ego mind uses; with their sole purpose being protection.  So in order to understand what causes a man to be controlling to a woman; we have to go a little deeper.

We have to look through these defence mechanism to understand what could be going on underneath them.

Protection

The act of control is simply being used as a form of protection. So although it may seem as though this behaviour is coming from a place of power and strength, it is actually coming from a place of fear and disempowerment.

And the reason these behaviours are being utilized is to avoid and compensate for this inner conflict and disharmony.

Emotional Regulation

Through the use of these behaviours the man is able to emotionally regulate himself from the outside in. And if he were to drop the control; it is highly likely that repressed emotions, feelings, sensation and thoughts would come to the surface to be processed.

What this external control produces is the illusion of having inner control. This is why it has to be a constant process, because as soon as the external control stops so does the internal control.

Where And How Did This Begin?

So if these defence mechanism and behaviours are simply being used by the ego mind for protection/safety and for emotional regulation; what might have happened in the first place?

Firstly we can see that in order for this behaviour to be carried out, ones ego mind is not being monitored and is therefore in control; because if one was aware one would change this behaviour. And secondly in order for one to protect oneself, there must have been a situation in their history where it was necessary to do so.

After all, at its core this behaviour is only being deployed by the ego mind in order to feel safe.

History

So what might have happened in a man’s history to cause him to feel the need to protect himself?  And how did this trauma originally occur?

I believe that in order to understand what is causing this behaviour, what needs to be looked at is the original model a man usually has of a women – the mother figure. Even though these experiences might be many years old, they still exist within the man.

The question is: have these experiences been looked at or have they been repressed? The relationship that a man has with his mother is incredibly important. It is one that will define how he perceives women.

The Inner Child

The child that the man once was still exists within the man. And this is often described as the inner child. Both men and women can merge and become this inner child without having the awareness that they are doing so. From this place of being the inner child, one can perceive the world through these old eyes.

And by regressing to the inner child women can be perceived as both mother and father figures and men can just as easily be perceived as mother and father figures. Other words for this are - projection or transference.

Childhood

It is highly unlikely that these experiences with the mother figure were perfect and that doesn’t mean that the child had to be abused in order for this to be so. We are all human and are not here to be perfect. However, during these early years there might have been situations where the child wasn’t properly nurtured and they may have been situations that were abusive.

These situations can lead to the childs needs being denied and ignored. With the Childs emotional and physical needs not being adequately met. Here the child could have been rejected, abandoned or neglected and had no way of regulating the emotions that were created during this time.

This could be due to a number of reasons. Maybe the mother was unable to regulate the child emotions, because the mother was unable to regulate her own. So she was there physically, but emotionally absent. Or perhaps the mother couldn’t regulate her own emotions and left the child completely.

At such a young age the child does not have the ability for emotional regulation and learns about this through the primary mother/caregiver. So if the primary figure has very little emotional intelligence, it is highly unlikely the child will gain any either.

Frozen In Time

This can lead to the Childs internal processes not bring validated or mirrored. And what occurred during those younger years could have stayed there and now exists within the inner child. So now whenever a situation arises with a woman that is similar to the original trauma; the past is triggered and the man regresses to the inner child.

And as has been described above; unless this past has been processed it will re-appear in the form of reactive or unconscious behaviour.

Two Extremes

Although this could result in the man being the perpetrator and controlling the women to avoid re-experiencing the trauma that happened all those years ago; it can just as easily take on the form of the man creating a situation where he is the victim.

Which will of course put him straight back into the role that he was forced to embody all those years ago. This will depend on numerous factors.

Advice For Women

So what can a woman do who is in a relationship with a controlling man or who wants to avoid a controlling man? I would say that it is important to become aware of oneself. To observe the inner child and to have the assistance of a therapist/healer or someone that can assist with the processing of the past.

On some level there must be an association of safety around being with a controlling man. However, because this is out of conscious awareness, it will seem to just happen and one can feel like a victim or powerless. This is the result of conflict within and is still a choice. Perhaps ones inner child is still playing out the same childhood patterns.

The child could have been controlled or abandoned and so now one puts up with the control because of two reasons. One – The inner child was brought up to associate intimacy or love as being control; so the inner child feels safe being with a controlling person. Two – and as a result of this perceives there being only two options – being controlled or being alone.

As one comes to appreciate and value who they are, they will not put up with relationships or situations that limit who they are and their true expression. 

If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article.

Oliver J R Cooper
http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk/

There are some families in the world that are filled with love and connection. These families’ work together, to support and assist each other and not because they have to; but because they want to. To them, family means much more than just a word or the DNA that may connect them to each other.

Here, there is no talk or suggestion of obligations and conditions needing to be fulfilled; what is done is done out of love and only love.

Pure Fantasy

The above description is clearly an example of what the perfect family might look like. And let’s face it; how many people have that? To many people the above may sound like something out of story.

As well as the above example there is also the other end of the spectrum and of course somewhere in-between. I do not believe that that it is as simple as there being three categories. However for the purpose of this article I will keep it to these three.

The Other Extreme

So now that we have a description of what a functional family may look like, let’s take a look at what a dysfunctional family can consist of.

The modes operandi of this family is not love and it is not support either. Its whole foundations are built on obligation and control and fear is always in operation. 

 ''In a dysfunctional family, the word 'family' is often seen as a license for abuse'' - Oliver J R Cooper

Different forms of abuse are seen as normal and acceptable and the people within the family are often viewed as possessions.  There might be examples of tyranny in other countries in the media; but in this family, it is a lot closer to home.

The Family

The family that one is brought up around will go along way into defining how one sees themselves and how one sees the world. This is an environment that will go along way into shaping ones mental, emotional and physical health.

And this is because what we learn about ourselves and the world is usually set by what is going on in our earliest environments. How one was responded to and how the family behaved around others has incredible consequences. And these consequences have the potential to be experienced for many years after

Aware And Unaware Families

In each of these two examples what is clear to see is that the level of awareness between these two examples is radically different.  And what is also clear is that how aware a family is will be a defining factor in how the child will be raised.

However, when the child is brought into the world and is exposed to the behaviour of the family; it does not understand the above. To the child everything that happens is taken personally. It does not have the capacity or ability at that time to see, that how it is being treated is a reflection of how the individuals in the family treat themselves.

And how they treat themselves will often come back to how their family behaved during their younger years. It might also be the result of what happened later in their life. An example of this is where one chooses to be different and not allow their childhood to define them. This of course depends on the individual’s awareness.

The Identity

After all these years of conditioning; one now has an identity. If one was born into a family that was fairly aware or even moderately aware; then their identity has the potential to be reasonably empowering.

Here one would have received enough mirroring and validation to support them and therefore create a fairly functional self image. Although ones image can change through ones life, it is always easier to change that image if ones original image was fairly empowering.

This is because one is more likely to have the mental power and external validation to believe in oneself enough to change.

Dysfunctional Identity

Now let’s focus on the family that has very little awareness, both individually and therefore – collectively. The chances that one was exposed to abuse and experienced abuse are pretty certain. So ones image is not only influenced directly, but also indirectly because of the family lack of awareness.

And this lack of awareness is what is leading to dysfunctional behaviour. This can be classed as the different kinds of abuse and could be: mental, emotional, intellectual, spiritual or physical abuse.

The important nurturing factors like mirroring and validation are then likely to be nonexistent. So not only will one have an identity that is completely dysfunctional, but one’s precious inner life will also be unknown or denied at this time.

The Story

So what happens now? After one has experienced a dysfunctional upbringing it is always going to create challenges. This kind of upbringing can define ones whole life. And it can also be defined in a way that is classed as positive or in a way that can be classed as negative.

Traditionally the family that was in born into is meant to be who they are. What one can achieve and what one cannot achieve is interpreted through the family that one was born into.

The upbringing that one has creates their story. And this story typically includes who one is and what one is capable of. Each of these aspects and anything to do with ones story is always based on the past. It has nothing to do with who one is at this moment. And this is where ones freedom and empowerment come from.

A Gift Or A Curse?

Above I mentioned how ones upbringing can be defined in a way that is positive or negative. This might sound a bit confusing; how can something so dysfunctional be positive?  When one has these dysfunctional experiences there are clearly no benefits to what has happened. Taken literally there is clearly nothing positive about these kind of experiences.

The ego mind will also hold onto everything that has happened. Emotions like: anger, rage, frustration and pain that were experienced may well be felt as if they happened yesterday.

One is likely to feel the need for revenge and want to change the past in any way that is possible; constantly replaying the scenes in their mind. The ego mind will keep everything alive and never let it go. It then becomes impossible for to ever leave the past and be in the present.

A Curse

To the mind the past will always be a curse. Like a dog with a bone, it will go over and over the past. And this is where the duality of the mind comes into play. On one side it feels wounded and hurt by the past; which creates the idea that it wants to heal and move on from it.

But the on the other side we see a very different story. Although these dysfunctional experiences have caused great pain and suffering, to the mind they are what is familiar. And the ego minds whole existence and identity is based on the past.  They are familiar and therefore safe to the mind and it then becomes irrelevant as to what kind of experiences these were.

So even though ones past memories might be traumatic; to the mind they have become its whole identity. It would be interpreted as death to the ego mind to let them go. For as long as one has become identified to their ego mind it will be practically impossible to move on and it will become a curse.

A Gift

Through the observing of one’s ego mind and processing the trauma from the past one can begin to move into the present moment. And this is a process that includes validated and acknowledging ones story. This story is not to be denied and it is not to be taken as the truth of who one is.

Here one can then start to view the past in a new light. The meanings that one gives their past will always be unique to them. One might view the past in metaphorical or in symbolic terms.

And from this place one may have the urge to offer ones insight to others that need it. One can also be an example to others in the way they behave and respond to life.

One might never know why they were born into a certain family and perhaps this doesn’t matter. What one can do is have the gift of awareness and this can allow one to define who they are and to no longer be defined by their past.

If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article.

Oliver J R Cooper
http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk/

There are numerous religions in the world today; some of these have been around for thousands of years and some could be described as new in comparison. And as well as the religions that are clearly definable as religions, there are also other figures and establishments that are serving a very similar purpose.

However, these might not be noticed or perceived as having any similarities to religion.

Meaning

Before we take a look at what these reasons could be, let’s look at the word religion and its meaning. In the dictionary the world religion comes from the Latin word Ligare and this means to bind.

So then, anything that connects one to something could be classed as a religion based on this meaning.

And as the saying goes ‘The map is not the territory’. Something can be called a religion, but that is just a word and it does not explain much of what is actually going on. It does not explain the psychology that is involved.

The word has gained a somewhat negative meaning over time and this is because of the behaviour of some of the people that have associated themselves with a particular religion.

Religion can be blamed; but it does not take away our own individual responsibility.

The Purpose

Is not important whether one believes in religion or not. The purpose of this is to look deeply at what might be attracting people to associative with religions and at the same time what needs this could be fulfilling within the person.

This is also not to say that what attracts people to religion is always dysfunctional.

A Metaphor

It is just like when one is hungry; here one consumes food to appease the sensation of hunger. The desire to eat is not negative or dysfunctional; it is simply a part of life.

However, it would be sensible to look at why one is hungry and also what would attract one to certain foods. Sometimes these will be healthy foods and sometimes these will be unhealthy. One might be attracted to unhealthy foods, but instead of blaming the foods one can look at what is attracting them to the foods. This could be classed as being a conscious eater.

My Opinion

These views are my opinion and I do not claim to have all the answers or the only answers. My interest is not in the legitimacy of any religion or religion per se. What interests me is looking at the psychology of religion.

I believe that through the observation of how the ego mind functions, one will be able to gain a better understanding of religion.

The Ego Mind

This is the part of us that is conditioned by our experiences. Some of these can be traumatic and some of these can have very little effect on our lives. And what these experiences do is form how we perceive reality.

And the way it perceives life is though polarities. Here there are only ever two ways and the whole of life will be perceived through one of these ways. This is the good and the bad; the right and the worn and so on. Existence is then broken up into parts. Life becomes an expression of hierarchy and not wholarchy.

The ego fears change and this is because the only way it can function and exist is through things being the same. It feels safe with what is familiar. And if something were to change; it would mean death to the ego mind.

Its identity and only point of reference is the past and the present moment is always being interpreted based on past experiences.

Trauma

One of the things that trauma does is create conflict and separation. One feels separate from what they desire and need. What the ego does is project these needs externally.

These needs can consist of the need to feel: connected, empowered, significant and safe; as well as the need for meaning and purpose.

The Self

So the ego mind has ultimately been created from pain and trauma. It is not a true expression of who one is. The true self is extremely different to the ego mind. Here one is also the observer of the mind and not the mind itself

Hold On!

But let’s forget about the true self for the moment and let’s continue with the ego mind. Here one has been cut off from who they truly are and is now living from the ego minds perceptions and projections.

A natural consequence is to project all of these needs and wants to an external source.  And to the degree that one has not realised something within; will define how much someone looks without.

How Does This Usually Look?

It is not possible to look at every aspect here; so let’s look at the more common occurrences.

Higher Or Lower

With the mind working in polarities and higher being seen as better than lower, it makes complete sense for gods to often exist in the sky. This is because trauma can cause one to identify with their ego and feel inferior and below others. And if this happens and one feels inferior or below another, there will be the tendency to perceive others as being higher or superior.

Afterlife

As the ego fears change and therefore death it then becomes important for religions to promise an afterlife for example. This way the ego mind feels safe and can be sure that there is a tomorrow.

Certainty

The ego mind also needs certainty and this is part of feeling safe. As if something is different it of course won’t feel safe. This also shows the importance of being right; as if the mind is wrong it could lead to death. And this surely shows why there is often the insistence on one religion being right and another religion being wrong. The individual’s ego is looking for external certainty to calm the uncertainty that is active within.

Separation

And if one feels separate from life and cut off internally because of trauma or perception, they will be drawn to anything external that promises connection and a sense of belonging.

Control And Empowerment

Religion is often seen as controlling. And through the different traumas, ones ego mind is likely to feel a lack of control and empowerment. One then needs to do or be more than others to compensate for this inner state. This often becomes a need to control another or others.

And a universal figure or archetype for empowerment is often the male or masculine figure. This of course, shows up in a lot of the different religions. The female or feminine energy typically represents nurturing; so that wouldn’t evoke the same experience that the male figure would do in people.

Purpose And Meaning

It is said that ones purpose and meaning is something one finds within. And is an expression of the heart and not the mind. However one of the things that conditioning and trauma does is cut one off from their heart. Ones attention is then more likely to be focused on the outside world and not on what is going on within.

So this would explain why religion is so popular in terms of purpose and meaning, it gives one what they have perhaps lost touch within or maybe haven’t ever known within.

Religion

It is my view that whatever the ego mind creates has very little to do with what is true. And this is because its primary function is to ensure ones survival. What it sees and what it needs from the world will usually be coming from what has not been realised within.

Because everything that is seen externally and this includes what is written in word and what is displayed in symbols, has come from a human beings mind. And this means that it has been filtered through their level of awareness and perception. This is what makes it important to observe the mind and to see how it functions.

That is not to say that religion cannot be a catalyst or a mirror for what is within each of us. It is my current understanding that what is true can only ever come from within. And perhaps there are some religions that do match what is true for people.

Not Just Religion

But let’s not leave this all to religion. As I have mentioned above, there are many things in the world that have the potential to fulfil the same purpose. These include: celebrities, the media, sports teams, governments and relationships.

They all exist because they are fulfilling a need; nothing more nothing less. Each of these external creations simply reflects what is going on within people’s minds and hearts. 

If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article.

Oliver J R Cooper
http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk/

During our lives we can have many relationships and some of these relationships can last for what feels like moments and others can seem to last a lifetime. It could be greeting someone we might never see again or embracing someone we will see many times.

These relationships can range from a childhood friends, colleagues, family members or a partner for instance. And no matter how old or young we are; what is clear is that we have all had relationships that have started and relationships that have come to an end. For these beginnings and endings are part of life.

Now, some of these may be relationships that we wish had never been started and relationships that we wish had never come to an end. But what life shows us is that we never know how long a relationship will last.

The Relationship That Lasts

However, there is one relationship that for as long as we live can never come to an end. We might wish it would end at times and deny this relationship at other times, but it still exists. And this relationship - is the one we have with ourselves.

And although our external circumstances can change and our external relationships can end; this is a relationship that is always ever present and in motion.

A Metaphor

What I thought was a great metaphors for explaining this dynamic was a conversation that I had many years ago with my late father. I used to go to a martial arts club that was a short drive away from where I lived and this first began when I was at school and ended in my college years.

And to paraphrase what was said in this conversation: I said something along the lines of; it is was interesting how although I had left school and other experiences had come and gone in my life, what remains is me going to this martial arts club.

I recently thought about how this mirrors the relationship that we have with ourselves.

The Greatest Rejection

Even though it is possible for another human being to neglect, reject, betray, criticise and abandon us; it is also possible that we are doing these very things to ourselves internally.

We can feel overwhelmed and frustrated with these external relationships and then, follow that up with the abuse and neglect of ourselves. And one thing that is certain about life is that not everyone will accept us or respond in a way that validates us.

This is what makes it so important that we don't close the door on the relationship that has the potential to bring the greatest joy and fulfilment.

Relationship with Ourselves

The relationships that we have with others will only ever be as good as the relationship we have with ourselves. It is highly unlikely that our external relationships will ever surpass our inner relationship.

''Whether our life will rise or fall will depend on the quality of our relationship with ourself and as an extension of that - our relationships with others'' - Oliver J R Cooper

And one of the reasons why external rejection, abandonment and neglect for example are so painful is because these feelings often exist within. They are perspectives and outlooks that one can come to identify with. This is because during our childhood year's one is often rejected and abandoned and unless these experiences have been processed, they will lay dormant and have the potential to be triggered at any moment by the relationships that one has with others.

Dependency

And if ones relationship with themselves is more or less nonexistent there will naturally be an over reliance and need for another. This can then lead to valuing another person more than one values themselves. Compromising ones needs and wants for another person.

Here ones loses who they are in the other person or people and only knows who they are based on the acceptance that comes from these external relationships. Ones emotional and mental state will completely depend on other people's behaviour.

Reintroducing Ourselves

When it comes to getting in touch with ourselves and in tune with who we are; it is not always easy. And this is often because of the ideas we have picked up from others. These ideas have then formed our perceptions of who we are.

This becomes our conditioned self or ego mind and creates our identity. However, what is true and what is real for us may not have anything to do with this conditioning. The only person that can say who we are - is ourselves.

So perhaps the only reason why we have neglected or rejected ourselves is because of the ideas we have about who we are. And these ideas have probably got very little to do with who we actually are.

Supporting Ourselves

Connection to our true selves is unlikely to happen overnight. And this is because like a tree or a plant that is just a seed; it takes time to open and expand onto the environment.

It is also normal for one to feel unsafe and vulnerable during the early stages of reforming this relationship. And this is because the ego mind has created an identity and formed an association of what is safe based on how things were. So as one changes their connection to themselves; their identity and therefore their behaviour will change.

This then has the potential to create conflict and resistance not only within, but also from without.

Being There For Ourselves

We can then begin to support ourselves from within. During the moments where we feel neglected or rejected externally; we can make sure that we are there for ourselves during these moments internally.

Our own capacity to mentally and emotionally regulate and sooth ourselves will also increase. And because our own self appreciation and self respect has increased for who we are, we will also be able to ask for help when we require it.

Relationships With Others

What will also occur are deeper and more meaningful relationships with others. As I mentioned above about our relationship with others always reflecting the relationship we have with ourselves; it is a natural consequence that the relationships we have with others will change as we change.

As are self integrity increases we will attract others who have integrity and by accepting who we are; it will allow other people to gravitate to us who accept us. The relationships in our life that don't honour who we are will also begin to change and perhaps even come to an end.

If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article.

Oliver J R Cooper
http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk/