It is often said that we are what we eat and while this is an area that is given a lot of exposure, it is not the only thing that one needs to pay attention to. This is not to say that what one eats is not important or that it should be ignored, what it means is that one needs to pay attention to other things that influence who they are. The media often talks about how important food is and this then causes people to think about this area of life. And the media often defines what people think about and what they don’t think about. So unless the media covers something, it can mean that one doesn’t think about it. It can all depend on whether one thinks for themselves or if they are happy to let other people do the thinking for them. If one thinks for themselves it will give them the chance to find out if something is true or not. However, if one relies on the media to inform them, they are not going to know if something is true or not. Thinking for oneself might be harder than letting someone else do it for them, but at least one will be able to come to their own conclusions. The Power Of Thinking Through thinking and taking in new information, one might think about what else is having an impact on who they are. This could make one think about the environment they live in and the people they surround themselves with. Although one could view themselves as independent, it would be more accurate for them to see themselves as being interdependent. What this means is that one is constantly being influenced by everything. The Illusion One could believe that they’re not affected by their environment or by the people they spend their time with. Or they might be only too aware of how their environment and the people they spend their time with are defining them. One might notice how they feel after talking to someone they are close too and someone they don’t get on with. Each person is a fellow human being and yet based on how one feels around them, it’s as if they are from a different planet. A Difference Experience One experience could be described as life affirming and the other as something that is taking away ones enjoyment if life. And as the world is made up of all types of people, it is to be expected that this will happen from time to time. If this only happens from time to time, it might not have too much of an effect ones one life. But if ones close friends or the people they associate with cause them to feel drained or invalidated for instance, it is going to create problems. Unhealthy Food Being around these people is then the same as one eating food that is unhealthy or stale. They’re not getting the nutrients they need to develop and to grow into the best version of themselves. It can take a while for unhealthy food to have an impact on one’s body, and the same can be said in regards to the people one spends their time with. One might not notice how someone is affecting them in the beginning, but as time passes, it might begin to stand out. Normal If it doesn’t stand out, it could be because this is what is normal for them. Being around people who bring out the worst in them is then the only thing they have known. And this is likely to mean that their self-image is not empowering and that it doesn’t reflect who they really are. So it is going to be important for them to realise that the idea they have of themselves is not accurate. It is simply the result of them being around the wrong people and as soon as they change the people they associate with, their self-image will begin to change. The Sun When the sun shines it makes it possible for one to view certain things, if the sun wasn’t shinning, certain things wouldn’t be seen. And this is what it is like with the people one spends their time with. Unless one is around people who bring out the best in them, it is going to cause other parts of them to grow. Their true self can then end up being hidden and this is because they’re not getting the mirroring they need in order for their true self to develop. Water If a plant doesn’t get the water that it needs, it is not going to last for very long. And the mirroring of others plays a similar role when it comes to their sense of self. If one doesn’t get the right mirroring they might not die, but certain parts of them will start to fade and then after a while, they will go into hibernation. Awareness However, once one gets the right mirroring or as soon as they surround themselves with the right people, it doesn’t need to take forever for their best self to come to the surface. The first step might be for one to become aware of how the people around them are affecting them. After this, one can decide if their best self is being supported or if it is being starved of the nutrients it needs to appear. One might need the assistance of a therapist, healer or some kind of coach. If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article, as many others have. Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk/
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It could be said that human beings have an inherent need to grow and to move forward in life. And what one person sees as being a sign of growth is not necessarily what another person sees as a sign of growth. But while there are going to be differences, what most people are going to agree upon is that growth is important. It is possible for one to have one area of their life where growth is important, or they could have number of areas. There is also the chance that it will depend on where are they are in life and what’s important to them at any given moment. What was important at one point time might not be seen as important at another. Priorities So this then comes down to the fact that one’s priorities are not always going to be the same and therefore, what they are focused on is going to change. This is partly because one only has so much time and energy and there are going to be things that one has to stop doing. After a short while, one might be able to focus on something they had put to one side. At the same time, once something has been out to one side one might leave it there and never go back to it. Point Of Focus However, when it comes to an area of their life where they want grow and to move forward, they are not going to want to stand still. The time, energy, and even the money that goes into this area, goes into it for a reason; with the reason being that it is an important area of one’s life. But just because one wants to move forward and to grow in a certain area of their life or a number of areas, it doesn’t mean this is what takes place. Instead, one could find themselves in a position where they‘re unable to move forward or grow. Same Old Story This doesn’t mean that one hasn’t experienced life differently or been close to the next step. As they might have a pattern of being close and then just as they’re about to move forward, something happens and they end up where they started. One could see see themselves as being unlucky or believe that they haven’t got what it takes to move forward. It is then not much of a surprise if one feels like a victim and as though other people have something they don’t. Inaction Another thing that can happen is that although one wants to move forward, they don’t take the action they need to move forward. Their mind is then saying one thing, and their body is saying something else. This shows that one is experiencing inner conflict and instead of working with themselves, they are working against themselves. So in this case, one is able to see that they are the problem, but in the example above, they could believe that other people are the problem Self-Sabotage It is then not as easy as one wanting to move forward and then moving forward, as there is something within them that is holding them back. And until this inner conflict is dealt with, one could find that their life doesn’t change. The question is: why would someone sabotage their own growth and stop themselves from having what they say they want? One’s mind might find it hard to answer this question, but if one listens to their body, the answer may soon appear. The Body Just because one wants to achieve something, it doesn’t mean their body is going to let it happen. What this means is that in order for one to experience something, they need to feel that it is safe for them to experience it. If what they want to experience is seen as something that will put their survival at risk, there is a strong chance that one won’t be able to experience it. So without realising, it, one can end up doing everything they can to stop themselves from moving forward. What’s Going On? This is not to say that one’s body doesn’t feel safe because of what is currently taking place in their life; it could because of what they are projecting onto the present from their past. And this could relate to a time when it wasn’t safe for one to take care of their needs. And while times have changed, the emotional experiences of the past have stayed trapped in their body. So whenever one puts their needs first and does what they can to get them met, what would have happened if they showed their needs in the past is re-triggered and stops them from moving forward. Abandoned At a deeper level, putting their needs first could be associated as something that will lead to being abandoned. As a result of this, if one was to get their needs met it could put their survival at risk. These associations were probably formed during ones childhood years, and being abandoned during this time would have felt like death. So as the emotional experiences of the past have remained within them, getting their needs met is going to be seen as something that isn’t safe. Awareness And if the fear of being abandoned is something that one fears at a deeper level, it is going to be important for them to please others. Moving forward and fulfil ones needs is then going to be seen as something that could lead to the loss of approval and therefore death. As an adult, gaining the approval of others is not as important, but all the time the emotional experiences of the past remain in their body, it is going to be a challenge for them to see life through their adult eyes. These emotional experiences of the past will need to be faced and released. And this can take place with the assistance of a therapist or a healer. If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article, as many others have. Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk/
There is how one is spoken to by others, and then there is how one speaks to themselves. And what is taking place internally can often be known through what is taking place externally.
This means that how one allows other people to talk to them is often a reflection of how they talk to themselves. If it is any worse, one might put an end to it or gradually come to accept it. So when one is kind to themselves on the inside, they are not likely to put up with bad behaviour on the outside. If one isn’t kind to themselves on the inside, they might not notice if someone is being rude or abusive on the outside. Normal Their behaviour is going to be normal and nothing more that they have come to expect from others. If other people are around when one is putting up with bad behaviour from another person, they might point it out, only for one to act as if everything is fine. In their mind, it could be seen as what they deserve and even though other people can see that the other person’s behaviour is inappropriate, it is not possible for one to come to the same conclusion. So unless what is taking place within them changes and one starts to see themselves differently, their external circumstances are unlikely to change. A Catalyst What this person needs is something to make them realise that they are valuable, and that they don’t deserve to be treated badly. For while inner change can lead to outer change, it can also the work the other way around; with one being transformed internally as a result of what they have experienced externally. One could meet someone who is kind and who shows them that they are valuable. In this case, one isn’t kind to themselves, but through meeting someone who is, a seed is planted. This encounter could have an instant effect on ones idea of themselves, or it could take a while to influence one’s life. Internalisation What this all comes down to is how long it takes for one to internalise the other persons message. At first, one might only experience resistance and end up dismissing the whole experience. But if the seed is not completely rejected, one could soon find themselves thinking about what happened. And this could make them look for things that validate what the other person said and how they treated them. Stepping Back So instead of accepting what is taking place within them and not questioning their inner dialogue, one starts to detach from what is taking place and to observe it. One is then no longer a slave to their mind; they’re the watcher of it. Through this process, one can see what is happening as opposed to being oblivious what is happening. One can then take a look at how they talk to themselves and what they need to change. Negative Thoughts Here, one could find that their mind is filled with all kinds of negative thoughts and these thoughts could match up with how other people treat them. Perhaps one says they’re useless, unlovable, worthless, not enough, a failure, or that they are less-than others. These thoughts and many others are then going to cause one to feel low and to sabotage certain areas of their life or even their whole life. And these thoughts are also going to be supported by the feelings that are associated with them. Top Down One approach would be to say that ones thoughts are causing their feelings and so, when one deals with their thoughts their feelings will change. In some cases, this may work and through changing ones thoughts, they soon feel better about themselves. This will mean that their self-talk will gradually change and what one puts up with externally will also begin to change. However, what if ones thoughts are not causing ones feelings? And what if their self-talk is an effect of what is taking place in their body? Bottom Up What is taking place in one’s mind could be nothing more than a reflection of what is taking place in their body. Their self-talk and the thoughts their mind is creating is then an effect of something deeper. The mind is often seen as the cause of one’s thoughts and their feelings, and while this can sound right, it is a half truth. If one is carrying trapped emotions or trauma in their body, their mind is going to end up paying the price. Toxic Shame When one is carrying toxic shame in their body, it is not just going to cause them to feel bad; it is going to make them believe they are bad. This means is not just a feeling, it has become their identity. One is going to feel less-than human and as though they are flawed, and there is nothing they can do about it. Though feeling this way, it is only natural that one is going to have a negative inner dialogue. This toxic shame could have been caused by physical, emotional, verbal or sexual abuse. Ones adult years will have played a part, but it could have been their childhood that had the biggest impact. Awareness Normal shame is part of having a conscience, amongst other things; whereas, toxic shame has no benefit to one’s life. The toxic shame and the other feelings associated with it, such as grief and abandonment, will need to be faced and released. This can be done with the assistance of a therapist or a healer.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk/ Relationships: Is The Fear Of Being Abandoned Causing You To Put Up With People Who Are Controlling?25/10/2014 There is a big difference between wanting to experience a sense of control over one’s life, and wanting to control other people. When one experiences a sense of control over their life, it means that they’re not going to feel as though they have no control and as though they are a victim. This is going to allow one to feel empowered, as opposed to feeling as though things just happen and there is nothing they can do. As a result of this, their experience on this earth is going to be far more rewarding than if they were to feel completely powerless. However, if one feels as though they have no control, it is going to be a challenge for them to enjoy life. What does or doesn’t happen in their life is going to be seen as something that is out of their control. Controlling Behaviour In fact, when one doesn’t feel as though they have any control in life, it can cause them to want to control other people. Controlling others is then a way for them to experience a sense of control. But although it can look as though they want to control other people, controlling others is just a way for them to regulate how they feel. What they do to the people in their life is then a means to an end, and not something that is personal. Impersonal The people who come into contact with someone who is controlling are then going to find it hard to be themselves. This could mean that one is repelled by them or it could be something that draws them in. If one is repelled by this kind of behaviour, it won’t be a problem, but if this is something that one is drawn to, it is going to affect their wellbeing. And even though the other person’s behaviour is impersonal, it won’t make any difference. Normal For some people, it doesn’t matter where they are in the world or how a relationship begins, as they will have a tendency to attract people who’re controlling. This is then something that is normal and therefore the rule, as opposed to the exception, in their life. They might believe that everyone is the same and this could cause them to feel hopeless. One might be close to people who’re also in the same position and this could cause them to believe that everyone is the same. Two Options One could believe that they only have two options; the first option is to be in a relationship and to be controlled, and the other option is for them to avoid relationships. It then won’t matter what option they choose, as they’re likely to end up feeling frustrated. This is not to say that there is anything wrong with not being in an intimate relationship, but if one is not having them to avoid being controlled, it is it naturally going to cause problems. Just as if one avoids relationships in general to stop themselves from being controlled, it is also going to lead to problems. Trapped So, as the need to connect with other human beings is not something that one can completely remove, they could find themselves in a relationship with someone who is controlling. And even though they feel trapped and have the need to leave the relationship, they might feel as though it is not possible for them to leave. In the back of their mind could be how they felt when they were not in an intimate relationship and this then causes them to stay with the other person. It is then painful for them to stay with them, but they believe that it will be even more painful if they were to leave them. More Than A Belief To stay that they believe it will be more painful for them to leave would be an understatement; as from their experiences of being alone, they will know how painful it is. And because of how painful it is for them to be alone, being around someone who is controlling is the lesser of two evils. On one side they can be in a relationship and feel controlled, or they can leave the relationship and end up feeling abandoned. As an adult, it is not possible for another person to abandon them, but just because someone is physically an adult, it doesn’t mean they feel like one. Abandonment During ones early years, one didn’t have the ability to regulate their emotions; so if they were left by their caregiver/s, it would have felt like the end of the world and as though they were going to die. And though being neglected during these early moments in one’s life, it would have affected their ability to regulate their emotions as an adult. Not only that, the pain that one experienced through being abandoned during their childhood would have stayed trapped in their body. As they were abandoned during these years, there wouldn’t have been anyone around to allow them to process how they were feeling and so, they would have had to disconnect from their body to avoid the pain. And in order to avoid being abandoned, it would have set one up to do everything they can to please others. One could believe that if they had a voice of their own, it would cause other people to leave them. Reliving The Past So if one was to leave someone who is controlling, it would trigger this early pain. This could cause one to regress and to see the other person as they would have seen their caregiver at the time - as the only person who has the ability to take their pain away. Leaving someone who is controlling is then what one wants to do on one level, but if they do leave them their emotional experiences of the past are going to re-appear. Based on this, it is easy to see why people stay in controlling relationships and go back to them. Awareness All the time this emotional pain remains in one’s body, it is going to be more or less impossible for them to not only attract healthy relationships, but to feel comfortable with them. And along with feeling abandoned, one can also be carrying the following feelings in their body: grief, loss, hopelessness, helplessness, shame and death. These emotional experiences of the past that have remained frozen in one’s body will need to be faced and released. This can be done with the assistance of a therapist or a healer. If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article, as many others have. Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk/ For some people, knowing when to speak up or to keep quiet is something that comes naturally. And while they might not get this right all the time, it is not going to be something that they need to focus on. At certain times, they might speak up when they should have kept quiet or kept quit when they should have spoken up, but this is likely to the exception as opposed to the rule. And if one observed their behaviour, they are likely to describe them as assertive. However, that might not be the case; as it will all depend on how they interpret their behaviour. One person might say that their behaviour is an example of what it means to be assertive, but another person might see them as being rude or that they’re ignoring the needs and feelings of others. Interpretation What this shows is how there is what is taking place, and then there is ones interpretation of what is taking place. If ones focus is on the needs of others and doing everything they can to please them, then being assertive could be seen as being negative. Their needs and doing what they can do please themselves is therefore secondary, and this is why it is going to be a challenge for them to be assertive. What is taking place within them could be a mystery or it could just end up being overlooked. Selfish They could believe that putting their needs first is selfish and so, pleasing other people is going to be their priority. If one was to think about putting their needs first and standing their ground, it could cause them to experience guilt and shame. But this would show that one doesn’t heave a healthy outlook of what it means to be assertive. Being assertive doesn’t mean one no longer cares about other people’s needs and feelings, what it means that one is able to stand up for themselves when it is appropriate. Two options One could believe that they only have two options: the first option is to ignore the needs and feelings of others, and the second is to ignore their own needs and feelings. Being assertive could be seen as something that will lead to violence, conflict or ‘drama’. When one stands their ground and expresses themselves, it doesn’t mean that they’re pointing the finger or becoming aggressive. What it means, is that one is in touch with what is taking place within them and as a result of this, they are able to take the appropriate action. Examples This might mean that one needs to walk way from someone or a situation that is dysfunctional, instead of staying there and allowing it to affect their wellbeing. One might disagree with what another person is saying and instead of staying quiet they allow themselves to share their point of view. And this can be done in a way that is respectful. Ones intention is then not to harm another or to upset them, it is to protect themselves. It could also cause another person to be aware of something they’re not aware of, and one is then assisting the other person through being assertive. Speaking Up While one might believe that it is best to say nothing, the other person might be only too happy to hear what one has to say. They might not realise that there is a problem and through being informed, both of their lives could improve. Just as if one stays and doesn’t leave or walk away from a situation that is unhealthy, their life is not going to change. It could be something that not only allows one to move on, but causes the other person to realise that their behaviour is not acceptable. And this might be something they’re only able to realise if one walks away. The Healthy Approach What this shows is that being assertive not only benefits oneself, it also benefits others. This is not to say that other people will always appreciate assertive behaviour; as they could end up pulling away or they could even become abusive. If one is walked over by others and allows other people to define them, they’re going to be used to feeling: angry, frustrated and powerless. And while this is affecting their wellbeing, it could be what feels safe. Abandonment So the need is going to be there for one to be assertive and at the same, this it is not something that one feels comfortable with. At a deeper level, one could fear that they will be abandoned if they speak up. This could be an emotional experience that they cover up through keeping quiet and pleasing others. As an adult, it is clear that one can’t be abandoned by others; if they were a child, then it would be possible. But just because one is physically an adult, it doesn’t mean they feel like an adult. Early Experiences During ones childhood years, their needs may have been ignored and one came to see that they had to fulfil their caregivers needs. If one expressed their needs, they may have been either physically or emotionally abandoned. And in order to survive, one would have had to disconnect from the pain of not getting their needs met and to do what their caregivers wanted. So as these emotional experiences have remained within one’s body, they will continue to re-create these early experiences. Awareness One approach would be for one to have some kind of assertiveness training or to ‘develop boundaries’; another approach would be for one to face and release the emotions that have remained within them from these early years. This is something that can take place with the assistance of a therapist or a healer. If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article. Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk/ If it was raining and one didn’t wear jacket or something to keep them dry, they would soon be soaked. Their jacket or an umbrella for instance, is then something that protects them from the rain. However, even if it was not raining one still needs to protect themselves. Their personal space is something that needs to be looked after, and this is not because everyone in the world wants to violate them, it’s because we’re all different. So what is acceptable to one person might not be acceptable to another and what one person wants or needs, won’t necessarily reflect what another person wants or needs. Based on these individual differences in people’s needs and wants, it is important for them to be able to stand their ground and to therefore protect their personal space. On The Other Side There are then going to be people who have a complete disregard for other people’s personal space and violating other people is then a normal part of their life. Violating others is then not something that just happens; it is something they set out to do. At a deeper level, they might not realise that other people are separate from them; they could view other people in the same way as they viewed their caregivers whilst growing up – as an extension of themselves. The World So as some people have boundaries and some people don’t, and even if one does have boundaries there is still the chance that their behaviour could violate another person, it is going to be important for one to have boundaries. If one was to rely on other people to look out for them, they’re going to end up being walked over. This will include people who don’t understand what boundaries are and people who do. Boundaries It would be easy to say that having boundaries relates to what one does to protect themselves, but there is more to it than this. On one side there is what one does to protect their personal space, and one the other side is going to be how they feel in their personal space. Having boundaries means that one feels that it is safe to be who they are and that they’re protected. This means that one can just be and they don’t need to be on alert or on guard all the time. Being And Doing So one feels safe in their body and this allows them to just be, and as an extension of this, one is able to speak up when they need to in order to protect themselves. This will enable them to have a clear sense of themselves and to know who they are. Expressing their truth and taking care of their needs is then going to be a normal part of their life. For this person, they could feel as though they have their own bubble that protects them. Or one might just feel as though they are zipped up and that they decide when this zip is undone. Normal However, if this is how they have felt for most of their life, it might be hard for them to describe how they experience life. This is because it is normal and they have nothing to compare it with. But while some people have boundaries and therefore feel safe in their body, there are other people who experience life differently. It then won’t matter if they are wearing clothes or not, as they are going to feel naked. Boundaryless Around certain people, one might feel safe or it could be how they always feel, and as they don’t feel safe in their body, it is going to be a challenge for them to have boundaries. They could find that they merge with their environment and whoever they are with. So if they have a sense of self, it is going to be inconsistent. One could be someone who just ‘goes with the flow’, and ends up the being the kind of person who other people want them to be. No Control This is going to make one feel as though they have no control and that other people are in control. But while other people appear to have control, they are only triggering what is inside one’s body. When one is triggered, it then causes them to become boundaryless and to behave in a certain way. So if one had something else taking place inside of them, then it wouldn’t be possible for other people to trigger them. What’s Inside? On the side, one is likely to associate having boundaries as something that will cause them to be either harmed or abandoned. And this could be something one is aware of, or it might be something that is out of their awareness. As a result of these associations, it is not possible for one to feel safe drawing a line and having boundaries, what feels safe is being boundaryless and giving oneself over to other people. Survival One is then going to feel as though it is only possible for them to survive by being boundaryless; having boundaries is therefore going to put their survival art risk. Intellectually one might wonder why they feel this way. However, these associations are likely to reflect their childhood years. During these moments, it might not have been safe for them to have boundaries and even though time has passed, the emotional experiences of the past have stayed trapped in their body. Awareness And all the time these emotions stay in one’s body, they’re not going to feel that it is safe for them to have boundaries. What will feel safe is being boundaryless and letting other people define them. These emotions can be released with the assistance of a therapist or a healer. If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article. Oliver J R Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk/ To have needs is part of being human and this means it is not possible for one to remove their needs. But regardless of this fact, it doesn’t mean that one feels comfortable with their needs or that they’re able to get their needs met. Some people are going to view their needs with disdain and see them as being a burden. And then there are going to be others who feel comfortable with their needs and this is going to make it easier for them to get them met. This doesn’t mean one will always get them met and that they won’t have to go without, but at the same time, they won’t be used to not having them met. Whereas, when one doesn’t feel comfortable with their needs, it could be normal for them to not get their needs met. Normal So one person has needs and they’re able to get them met; this is what is normal in their life. And then there are other people who are not in the same position, and it is then a challenge for them to get their needs met. What is normal for them is what would be abnormal for someone else, and this is going to make their life a lot harder. For ones unmet needs won’t just disappear, they are going to affect one’s life. Needy There is having needs, and then there is being ‘needy’. The former is a normal part of being human; the latter could be described as what happens when ones needs are not met. In the words of John Bowlby - "We're only as needy as our unmet needs’’. Having needs is not something that should push another person way, but being needy might have that effect. Through having ones needs met, their needs are likely to stay in check and this could stop one from being needy. There could be times when one needs more than they usually do; this is part of life and will come down to what is taking place in one’s life. Two Experiences So while one person may feel needy from time to time, there are going to be other people who always feel needy. It then not something that comes and goes, it is the only thing one has ever known. This doesn’t necessarily mean that their needs are not being met, as they could be met. However, no matter what one receives, they still feel the same. It is then like being hungry and therefore eating food, but the hunger doesn’t go away no matter how much one consumes. Denial Just because someone is needy, it doesn’t mean that they will be able to admit this to themselves. Having needs could be something that causes them to experience shame and guilt. In the eyes of others, they could be viewed as being selfless and only too happy to help others. They then present the image of being needless and this is going cause certain people to reward them with approval. Needless However, as human beings have needs, it is impossible to be needless; all this shows is that one doesn’t feel comfortable with their needs. Being there for others, at the cost of being there for oneself, is then an indirect way for them to get their needs met. Their outlook is: if I fulfil other people’s needs, then maybe they will fulfil my needs. But this is not something that always takes place and one can end up feeling resentful, amongst other things. On One Side When someone is always needy, it could be said that they have trouble getting their needs met and how this comes down to the fact they don’t feel comfortable with them. So in order for one to get their needs met on a consistent basis, they need to form a healthy relationship with their needs. Through becoming comfortable with ones needs, they could soon be on their way. However, if one always feels needy no matter what they receive, it shows that there is more to it. Unmet Needs The reason one feels needy is not just because their adult needs are not being met, it can also be the result of their childhood needs that were not met. These unmet needs relate to what happened many years ago, but the pain of not having them met has remained trapped in one’s body. What they continue to look for from others adults relates to what they didn’t receive as a child. And if ones dependency needs were not met as a child, it is to be expected that one will feel like a needy child as an adult. This is nothing to feel ashamed of; it is a natural consequence of being neglected. Grieving So how one feels is normal and even though one has looked towards other people to fulfil these unmet childhood needs, what one will need to do is to grieve what they didn’t get all those years ago. Looking towards other people might not be as painful in the short-term, but it won’t change anything in the long-term. While grieving ones unmet needs is painful, it is not something that will last forever. One can be assisted in this process by a therapist or a healer; it is not something they have to do by themselves. If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article. Oliver J R Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk/ When it comes to my journey of self awareness, there are some people who stand out when I look back on where I have come from. And one of those people is Susan Winter. This is someone who is a professional love and life mentor who is based in New York. Searching In the beginning of 2013, I was looking on the internet for information that would explain a challenge that I was having in a relationship. And I soon found the article I was looking for on Susan Winters website. The title of this article is – Hot And Cold. I left a comment and my details, and the before long, Susan left a comment on one of my pages on Facebook. She expressed her appreciation for my writing and asked me if I wanted to become a contributing editor to her site. And it didn’t take me long to make a decision. Acknowledgment This was someone who had been on Oprah Winfrey and who had a number of books out herself. It was like I was finally being recognised for what I do and I was extremely grateful for her offer. It was not that I didn’t already believe in my writing ability, as I always have done, it was that this was someone who was also a writer and whose work I appreciated and respected. Feedback I had had a comment from Dov Baron and from other people of such influence, but this was different. Not only had Susan commented on my writing, she reached out ever further. So before long, my articles were featured on her site and this was a proud moment for me. And I think that if I was a woman, I would be writing what she is writing or something similar, and this is partly because she is a purist. Her primary intention is to assist others and to make a difference. There is no ‘fluff’ or hype involved - it is pure information. Support From that moment when we came into contact with each, her support of my work has continued. There have been times when I have looked towards her for guidance and she has been only too happy to offer it. It is often said that it only takes one person to make a difference and Susan has definitely made a difference to my life. And I don’t forget the people who make a difference in my life. Gratitude So I will always be grateful for coming into contact with Susan and for the difference she continues to make in my life. To find out more about her and what she brings to the world, go to – www.susanwinter.net. If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article. Oliver J R Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk/ While one can have the need to experience relationships that are fulfilling and life affirming, it doesn’t mean that this is what takes place. Instead, one can end up in relationships that are not only unfulfilling, they could also be extremely abusive. And if this was an area of life that had little, if any, significance, it wouldn’t matter what ones relationships were like. But as relationships are the bedrock of one’s life, this is not an area that they can simply overlook. This doesn’t mean that one will always face their relationships challenges head on; as they may end up doing everything they can do avoid them. In the short-term, this might allow them to feel better, but in the long-term, their problems are likely to get worse. Different Experiences While human beings live on the same planet, their experiences on this planet are not the same. For instance, some people are going to be in a position where they have relationships that are generally fulfilling and this might be how it has always been. There are going to be other people who are in the same position, but while this is what is normal now, it is something they have had to work hard for. As a result of this, they could have a greater appreciation for what they have, as they know what it’s like to be on the other side. For Others There is then going to be other people who are used to having relationships that are far from fulfilling. This could be what is normal, and the only thing they have ever known. And while this is not how they would like their life to be, it could be seen as the only option they have. This doesn’t mean that one will never get their hopes up, as they could meet someone who they think is different, or the person they’re with could create the impression that they will change. But in both cases, the outcome may well be the same and one is back where they started. Conclusion One could then come to the conclusion that there is something inherently wrong with them and there is nothing they can do. Other people could be seen as having something they don’t or one might believe that they are just ‘unlucky’. When ones life is not going to plan, it is normal for their mind to come up with all kinds of reason as to why that is. These reasons might reflect reality and yet, they could have no basis in reality. The Story Maker Ultimately, the mind is the story maker and there is no limit to what it can come up with. So while one could believe that the reason they are unable to attract the relationships they desire is because of what is taking place externally, it could be the result of what is taking place within oneself. What is taking place externally is then a reflection of what is taking place in one’s body, but if one is out of touch with their body, they’re unlikely to see this connection. The mind can cause can one to believe that they are just the observers of their reality and that they’re therefore victims. However, when one is in touch with their body and aware of how they feel, they will soon see this is not the case. The Same Old Story So when one has relationships that are unfulfilling, they might become aware of a certain pattern. Perhaps one is constantly attracted to people who are unavailable in some way and/or who’re unable to love them. They’re then used to looking for love in all the wrong places. It could be that one is attracted to people who are controlling or abusive. At first, they may come across as being: loving, kind and even generous, and then as time passes, the mask drops and their true nature appears. A Common Approach If one reached out for support, they mind end up being told that they need to deal with their beliefs. As the reason they keep attracting these kinds of people is because of what they believe. This would be classed as a top down approach and it would only relate to the mind. It wouldn’t give one any insight as to what is going on in their body. If one is having these experiences, they’re bound to have beliefs that are far for supportive. The Body However, what is going on in one’s mind and therefore the thoughts and beliefs they have, can be the result of what is taking place in their body. This is because ones thoughts and beliefs do not always define how they feel; their thoughts and beliefs can be a consequence of how they feel. When one disconnects from how they feel and this is what often happens when how they feel is too painful to face, it doesn’t just disappear, it stays trapped in their body. And this can relate to the pain that one experienced as a baby, a child and throughout their adult life. Unmet Childhood Needs During ones childhood years, they may have had moments where their needs were ignored, or it might have been far worse. This could have been a time where ones needs were rarely, if ever, met. And although one is no longer a baby or a child, what happened during these years can be the driving force behind their behaviour as an adult. It is then no longer ones caregivers who are not meeting their needs; it is the people they come into contact with as an adult. A Deeper level At a deeper level, one is repeating the past and is looking towards other adults to give them what their caregivers couldn’t. This is not something that happens consciously, as one is unlikely to be aware of it. And in a lot of cases, these will be needs that no other adult can fulfil. This part of oneself is looking towards others to fulfil these needs and although the same thing happens over and over again, to face this truth is likely to be extremely painful. Grieving If one was to face their pain of not getting their needs met during their childhood, it will be painful, but it won’t last forever, whereas, if one doesn’t face this pain, they are going to continue to attract the same people into their life and to have the same relational experiences. And as one grieves their unmet childhood needs, their beliefs will change and so will their thoughts. This shows it is not about changing anything, it is simply about facing ones pain. Awareness So along with the grief, is likely to be: loss, shame, powerlessness, hopelessness, helplessness and even death. As one faces these feelings and feels them to completion, their relationships will begin to change. This can be done with the assistance of a therapist or healer. If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article. Oliver J R Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk/ Relationships: Do Some People's Childhoods Set Them Up To Believe That People Can't Be Trusted?17/10/2014 It is important for human beings to work together, and this is because they’re interdependent; they need each other. So when they’re able to put their differences to one side and to find a common ground, their own lives are going to be a lot easier. This doesn’t mean that everyone needs to get along; this is not something that is likely to happen and it is not something that needs to happen either. But just because someone doesn’t get along with someone else, it doesn’t mean that they have to cause them harm. One can just accept their differences or the fact they don’t have a connection, and carry on with their life. It might not even get this far and one might not even open up a dialogue with the other person. There is then going to the people that one will never come into contact with on this planet. One will never know what would happen if they did come into contact with them and it will always remain a mystery. A Strong Connection However, when one is close to another person it is likely to be built on mutual trust. And while there will be other elements involved, trust will be one of the most important things. This is something that will form a certain outlook for each person and it will allow them to settle down, and to feel more at ease in each other’s company. When one is with the other person they will be able to open up and when they are not in their company, one will know that what was said is in safe hands. The Type Of Relationship When it comes to the trust that one has in their relationship with a friend, it is going to be different to the trust that they experience in an intimate relationship. The expectations are going to be different and this is because there is a different type of connection involved. For example: what a friend does with a member of the opposite sex or the gender they’re attracted to is not something one is generally going to worry about; unless it involves the person that they’re with. Expectations So the expectations that one has will all depend on the type of relationship and what trust means to them. Either way, one is going to want to be able to open up and to tell someone something, without having to worry about whether the other person is going to tell someone else. Each experience that one has will then re-enforce their belief in the other person’s trustworthiness. If another person lets them down, it might be dismissed and just seen as being a one-off. It can all depend on what takes place, or how sever it is. Normal What this comes down to, is that there are going to be some people who’re able to trust others and this is what is normal, and then there are going to be other people who are unable to trust others and this is also what is normal. As a result of this, each person is going to have expectations that are radically different and their experience on this planet is going to be different. The person who can trust others might have friends who let them down from time to time, but for the person who can’t, they might have friends who’re always letting them down. In fact, they might find it hard to let people into their life and while they might have friends, they might not be very close to them. Suspicious Other people are then not seen as trustworthy, they are viewed with suspicion. It might not matter what they do, as one could always have the same outlook. Their previous experiences with people might have made it hard for them to see that people can be trusted. Not trusting other’s is then a way for them to protect themselves and to stop other people from taking advantage of them. As their inner outlook is that people can’t be trusted, their outer reality is going to validate this perspective. Staying Safe One is then in a position where trusting others is not safe and if one was independent, it wouldn’t matter. But as one is interdependent, this is going to have a negative affect on their life. However, all the time one continues to have experiences where other people let them down and these experiences will re-enforce their inner outlook, it is going to be a challenge for one to break the cycle. To see that while not everyone can be trusted, it doesn’t mean that this applies to everyone on the planet. Predisposed It could be said that one’s adult experiences are the reason why one can’t trust other people. Based on this outlook, it will be important for one to question the beliefs that these experiences have created and to create new ones. But there is also the chance that these adult experiences are just a reflection of what happened during their childhood years. What happened during this time caused them to believe that people couldn’t be trusted. Childhood The kind of attachment that one forms with their primary caregiver will often define what their relationships are like as an adult. And a vital part of this attachment is trust. As a baby and then as a child, one would have needed their caregiver to be there for them on a consistent basis and to protect them from harm. But while this is what one would have needed, it doesn’t mean this is what they experienced. This could have been a time where one experienced abuse and their needs were ignored. Inner Model These early experiences would have created ones inner model of what people are like and one has then continued to re-create these early experiences in their adult life. During these moments, one would have experienced certain feelings and they would have created certain beliefs. Awareness One could change the beliefs and that might be enough, but they might also need to process their feelings. This will involve facing the feelings that have remained trapped in one’s body for all these years and releasing them. And with the assistance of a therapist or a healer, these can be released. If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article. Oliver J R Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk/ |
Oliver JR CooperAuthor of 26 books, Transformational Writer, Teacher & Consultant. Introductory Consultation
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Disclaimer
That which is contained within these articles is based on my own empirical understanding and is true for me at the time they were written. However, as I continue to grow, what I perceive as the truth will inevitably change and as a result of this - parts of these articles may not reflect my current outlook.
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