Emotional Needs: Can Early Deprivation Cause Someone To Disconnect From Their Emotional Needs?2/2/2023
Although someone is likely to have been connected to and expressed their emotional needs when they were a child, it doesn’t mean that this will be the case now that they are an adult. In general, their emotional needs could be a mystery and, naturally, this will stop them from expressing them.
When it comes to their emotional needs, this will relate to their need to be seen and heard, touched, appreciated, and supported. These are then needs that will be met primarily through intimate relationships. The Norm But, if they are generally not connected to their emotional needs, they might not have the need to have any intimate relationships. In fact, they could spend a lot of time by themselves. And, if there are people in their life, they could be more like associates than close friends. When they are around these people, then, they could typically talk about surface-level things such as what is taking place in the media. Things over People When they are by themselves, they could spend a lot of time in front of a screen. This can be a time when they will watch films, read and talk to people online. Every now and then, they could feel drained and low, but, as they don’t realise that a number of their needs are not being met, they probably won’t be able to join the dots, so to speak. Instead, they could believe that there is just something wrong with them. Avoidance When they do experience pain, they could end up consuming something in order to cover up how they feel. This pain will then be pushed out of their conscious awareness, at least for a short while. There could come a point in time, though, when it is not possible for them to deny how they really feel. If they arrive at this point, they could end up paying a visit to their doctor. A Misdiagnosis If this was to take place, they could be told that they are suffering from depression and might end up being put on medication. This might allow them to go back to how they were before but to no longer feel low. Before long, that’s if this approach helps them, they could find that they don’t feel any better. If, after this, they were to reach out for external support and spoke about their life, they could end up being told that they are suffering because they are being deprived of the human contact that they need. Resistance Although they are being deprived of human contact and are suffering as a result, they might not readily accept what is being said. They could say that they don’t need others and are happy spending time by themselves. What this will show is that even though part of them does need human contact, there is another, stronger part of them that is not willing to accept this. This other part of them will then be dominating the other part of them and thereby, stopping them from being able to connect to let alone express their emotional needs. Confusion If they were to look back on their life, they may see that there have been moments when they expressed their need for human contact and ended up being rejected. The pain that they experienced when this happened would then have played a big part in why they seldom do this. During such moments, they may have felt hopeless, helpless, and worthless and even wanted their life to end. Due to this, it is to be expected that they would typically live as though they are an independent human being that doesn’t need others. What’s going on? If they have been this way for as long as they can remember, it could show that their early years were not very nurturing. One or both of their parents might have been emotionally unavailable and unable to truly be there for them, with them often being rejected, ignored and abandoned. The roles would then have been reversed, with them having to meet some of their parent or parents needs. Being of the love that they needed to be able to grow and develop would have deeply wounded them and prevented them from being able to go through each developmental stage. The Outcome As they were powerless and totally dependent, they would have been able to do anything about what was going on. Their only option was to disconnect from their feelings and a number of their needs and create a disconnected false self. They would have had to leave their body and to live up top, to handle what was going on. And, as they were egocentric, they would have come to believe that their needs and themselves were bad. The Truth In reality, their needs and their true self are not bad or shameful. How they were treated was a reflection of what was going on for one or both of their parents and perhaps any else who wounded them at this stage of their life. For them to realise this, at the core of their being, they are likely to have a lot of pain to work through. This is something that will take courage and patience and persistence. Awareness If someone can relate to this and they are ready to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
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Even though someone is not a child, it doesn’t mean that they will feel like a strong and capable adult. But, if experiencing life in this way is just a normal part of their life, they might not be aware of this.
Another part of this is that they might both consciously and unconsciously do what they can to avoid how they feel. Nonetheless, how they feel is still going to have a big impact on how they experience life. A Passive State Due to how they feel, they are likely to spend a lot of time sitting around and not doing a great deal. If they do do something, it could typically be because if they don’t, there will be a negative consequence. This can relate to them having to go to work, needing to buy food or having an appointment. Their need to survive is then going to play a big part in why something like this will spur them into action. Another Factor Other than doing something out of their need to survive, what could also get them moving is if a friend or family member asks them if they would like to do something. By having another person take the first step, then, they might end up taking action. What this is going to illustrate is that they don’t have much oomph and find it hard to get themselves moving. If they didn’t have to work or buy food, for instance, and no one else reached out to them, they might do very little. A Power Imbalance And, when it comes to the people in their life, these people might act more like their parents than their equals. But, even if they don’t, they are unlikely to exercise much autonomy when they are around these people. So, in addition to them generally being the ones who plan things, they could also make a lot of their decisions. They could even believe that these people know what is best for them. Flowing By What is clear is that the years of their life will be going by and they won’t be making the most of them. Based on how they live, it will be as though they are going to live forever. With this in mind, the sooner that they are able to take life by the horns, so to speak, the better of they will be. It will be essential for them to be able to step back and reflect on their life. A Closer Look If they were able to mentally detach from what is going on and reflect on their life, they might wonder why their life is this way. They could see that they are often passive and it’s as though they are waiting for something to happen. If they have been this way for most of their life, it could show that their early years were not very nurturing. This may have been a time when they were largely deprived of the love that they needed to grow and develop in the right way. Going Deeper Throughout this key stage of their life, they might have often been neglected and perhaps physically harmed and verbally put down. By having at least one parent who was not emotionally available and able to truly be there for them, not only would their developmental needs have not been met but they would have experienced a lot of pain. These needs, along with this pain, would have ended up being repressed by their brain. The years would then have passed and their physical and mental self will have grown, but their emotional self won’t have. An Endless Search At an emotional level, they will still be looking for their parent or parents to be there for them. When it comes to their unmet developmental needs, they can have the need to be cared for, held, seen and heard, and supported. The trouble is that this underdeveloped part of them will cause them to end up in situations that are very similar to their early experiences, in the hope that this time it will be different. Ultimately, this struggle for love will be a way for this part of them to avoid facing the fact that they were not loved by their parent or parents and they will never be loved by them. Drawing the Line For them to no longer wait for something that will never happen, they are likely to have a lot of pain to face and work through. This can be a time when they will feel angry, hopeless, helpless and deeply hurt. This is something that will take courage and patience and persistence. Awareness If someone can relate to this and they are ready to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
In general, someone could spend a lot of time working, having very little time for anything else. It doesn’t mean that this is something that will cross their mind, though, as it could just be what is normal.
And, if they ever do think about how much time they spend working, they could end up justifying how they behave. They could say to themselves that being this way is better than being lazy and/or that they have so much to achieve. A Similar Response If another person was to say to them that they work too much, they could end up telling them the same thing. What this is likely to show is that as far as they are concerned, there is nothing wrong with their behaviour. But, while they could be used to being told that they spend too much time working, they could also receive a lot of positive feedback from others. They could often be seen as someone who is living in the right way and as an example to follow. A natural outcome Yet, as they are likely to live in a society that is full of people that spend a lot of time working and working hard, this is to be expected. In this society, there can typically be seen as two options, either someone works hard or they are lazy. The more time someone spends working and the harder they work, then, the more likely they are to be approved of by certain people. Needless to say, their life is unlikely to change any time soon. Out of balance Still, as they spend so much time working and work so hard, other areas of their life are going to be neglected. So, they might not eat very well and, even if they do, they might not exercise. Along with this, they might not have any real friends or be in a romantic relationship. Or, if they are in a romantic relationship and perhaps have children, both their partner and their children are going to be overlooked. A Break If they were to go on holiday or simply took some time off, it is highly unlikely that they would be able to truly relax. This is likely to be a time when they will be thinking about what they haven’t done and are incredibly agitated. Thus, it won’t matter if they are a few miles away from where they work or a few thousand miles away as they will be edgy. Once they are back working, then, they are likely to feel more at ease. Stepping Back After a while, they could get to the stage where they are unable to behave in this way any longer. This could be because they no longer have the energy to behave in this way and/or their health could be in a very bad way. Alternatively, they could experience some kind of loss that makes them sit back and reflect on their life. Irrespective of what has happened, behaving in this way is no longer going to appeal to them and they will want their life to change. A Closer Look In addition to the need that they have to change, there is likely to be another part of them that wants to carry on behaving in the same way. If so, they are going to be experiencing inner conflict. Now, if they were to imagine that they have stopped working as much and started to work smart, not hard, they could feel relieved. However, before long, they could end up feeling very low. What’s going on? At this point, they could struggle to understand why living a more balanced life would cause them to feel this way. If they have behaved in this way for as long as they can remember, there is a chance they were deprived of the love that they needed during their early years. By working, they will have been trying to receive the love that they missed out on all those years ago. But, as this will have been something that was taking place outside of their conscious awareness, they won’t have realised what was going on. It's over The trouble is that as this stage of their life is over, not to mention that other people are not their parents, it will be too late. This is why they will have had the need to work so much and so hard for so long and nothing will have taken this need away, as love from other adults won’t make up for their early derivation. Not receiving the love that they needed would have caused them to be deeply wounded and experience a lot of pain. This pain and their unmet development needs would have ended up being repressed. Drawing the Line For them to put their unconscious search for love to an end, they are going to have a lot of pain to work through. This is something that will take courage and patience and persistence. Awareness If someone can relate to this and they are ready to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
Even though someone’s physical self will be seen by others, it doesn’t mean that the rest of them will typically be seen by others. What this means is that their inner world, so what their thoughts are about certain things and how they feel, for instance, might seldom be revealed to others.
If this is the case, it is going to illustrate that they usually wear a mask when they are around others and, consequently, who they are will rarely see the light of day. They are then going to be a separate human being who has their own self but they will act as if they are an extension of others. For Example When they are with a friend or a family member, they could be easy-going and make out that everything is fine. This will stop them from feeling truly connected to another and another from feeling truly connected to them. The reason for this is that in order for both of these things to take place; they would need to express what is going on for them. With this in mind, it won’t matter if they spend a fair amount of time around others as they are still going to feel alone. Hidden But, if they are not in tune with how they feel or most of their needs, this is not going to be something that they are aware of. Their sense of aloneness will be outside of this couscous awareness. Being around people who they don’t fully open up to will be better than nothing, of course, and it will allow them to feel more at ease. Yet, compared with how it would be if they were to open up, it will be a poor replacement. Stepping Back After a while, they might end up coming to see that they are seldom seen by others and this could fill them with a deep sense of loneliness. This will show that what they have denied for so long has entered their conscious awareness. Now, after they have spent time around a friend or a family member who they didn’t share their thoughts or feelings with, they could feel deeply frustrated and helpless. At this stage, they could struggle to understand why they behave in this way. Looking Back What might soon enter their mind is that they have behaved in this way for as long as they can remember. If so, it might be hard for them to imagine that their life could be any different. Not only this, although they will want their life to change, they can find that they also have a strong need to continue to hide themselves. To say that they will feel trapped at this point might be an understatement. An Exercise If they were to imagine that they were to meet a friend or a family member and were to open up about what is going on for them, so the other person was to actually see them, they could end up experiencing a fair amount of anxiety. They might even experience fear and terror after a while. What this will demonstrate is that revealing who they are is seen as a threat to their survival as opposed to something that is going to serve them. Naturally, as this is what revealing themselves means to a big part of them, it is to be expected that they would generally hide themselves. What’s going on? If this is how they have been for as long as they can remember, it could show that their early years were not very nurturing. Their home environment might have been more like a war zone than somewhere where they felt safe, secure, protected, supported and loved. Throughout this stage of their life, they might have been physically harmed, verbally put down and neglected. Feeling scared, anxious, fearful, terrified, and as though they were going to die would have been normal. One option As they were powerless and totally dependent, they wouldn’t have been able to do anything about what was going on. They would have simply had to disconnect from themselves, losing touch with their feelings and most of their needs in the process. Along with this, keeping what was taking place inside them and perhaps hiding would have been seen as the way for them to survive. This is because, as they were egocentric, they would have personalised what took place. Powerless In reality, how they were treated had nothing to do with them or how they behaved and everything to do with what was going on for their parent or parents. Most likely, due to how wounded one or both of their parents were, they were unable to truly be there for them and provide them with the love that they needed to grow and develop in the right way. Now that this stage of their life is over, they no longer need to hide who they are; they can be seen. Nonetheless, for them to know this at the core of their being, they are likely to have a lot of pain to face and work through. Awareness If someone can relate to this and they are ready to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk Self-Abandonment: Can Someone Abandon Themselves If They Were Neglected During Their Early Years?29/1/2023
If someone made a number of New Year’s resolutions, it doesn’t mean that they will have followed through with any of them. They could think about some if not all of the things that they planned to do every now and then but that could be about as far as it will go.
Yet, even if they don’t have any New Year’s resolutions, there could still be a number of things that they want to do but don’t do. What is clear is that unless they take the next step, at least one area of their life is unlikely to change. Another Part This might not be the only way in which they turn their back on themselves as whenever an opportunity heads their way, they could typically push it away. For example, a friend or a family member could ask them if they would like to join them or offer to help them with something and they could decline their offer. If this hasn’t taken place already, there could come a point in time when they will rarely be asked by another if they would like to join them or if they want help with something. Naturally, the people in their life will come to the conclusion that one is not interested in spending time with them. One More Along with this, when they do start something, they might soon put it to one side and forget about it. This will stop them from being able to make a significant amount of progress and mastering whatever it is that they are learning. What this may show is that they hit a brick wall or they might have just lost interest. Either way, having the inclination to put something to one side and not staying the course is not going to serve them. Watered Down Based on how they generally behave, their life is not going to be anything like it would be if they were truly there for themselves. Now, there may be people who have let them down over the years and continue to do so but they themselves will be the ones who are truly letting them down. Like a dog that has been left outside and is deprived of the food and shelter that they need, they will be depriving themselves of so much. For their life to change, it will be essential for them to look into why they are behaving in this way. Stepping Back If they were able to step back and reflect on their life and how they often behave, they could find that a big part of them doesn’t care about their life or themselves. This part of them will then have given up and lost the will to live. Without the desire to change their life and to be here, it is to be expected that they would behave in this way. There is a chance that they have been this way for most of their life. Going Deeper If they have been this way for as long as they can remember, it may show that their early years were not very nurturing. This may have been a stage of their life when one or both of their parents were not emotionally available. Consequently, when their parents were around, they would have seldom been seen and heard by them and, at other moments, they might have been rejected and abandoned. This would have deprived them of the emotional nutrients that they needed to be able to grow and develop in the right way. The Meaning And, as they were egocentric, how they were treated would have been personalised. They would then have come to believe that the reason they were treated this way was that they were worthless and unlovable. Still, this would have been more than just an outlook that they developed in their mind; it would have been something that permeated their whole being. How they saw themselves and the world would have been filtered through this inner state after this point. The Truth Ultimately, how they were treated had nothing to do with how worthy or lovable they were or are; it was a reflection of what was going on for their parent or parents. The trouble is that due to how underdeveloped they were whilst this was going on, they were unable to realise this. Thanks to what they were through, they will have experienced a lot of pain and a number of their developmental needs won’t have been met. This pain would have been repressed, along with their developmental needs. Drawing the Line For them to know, at the core of their being, that they have worth and are lovable they are likely to have a lot of pain to work through. This is something that will take courage and patience and persistence. Awareness If someone can relate to this and they are ready to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article.
Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
What a man may find, if he was to take a step back and reflect on his life, is that he has the tendency to keep women at bay. Not only this, but when he is around them, he may find that he is usually anxious.
And, if he is not on edge, he could see that he loses touch with what is going on inside him. Irrespective of whether the former or the latter occurs, the outcome will be the same; he is not going to fully show up. One Experience This may mean that he hasn’t ever been in a relationship with a woman and has only had casual encounters with them. If so, as he will have only shared his body and perhaps his mind with these women, he will have felt more at ease. But, this may have still been a time when he didn’t feel at ease and was, therefore, unable to fully show up. After having had these experiences for so long, he might be at the stage where he wants more. Another Then again, he might have had at least one relationship, with this being a time when he found it hard to stay present. During this time, he might have alternated between being on edge and not being able to connect to himself. Connecting to his true feelings would then have been a challenge, and this is likely to have made it difficult for the relationship to progress. His partner might have been intimidating or he might have just felt threatened by her for no apparent reason. One Conclusion After thinking about how his life has been for perhaps as long as he can remember, he might wonder why he finds it so hard to feel at ease around a woman. He could be sick and tired of being on edge or losing touch with himself and shutting down. Being this way will have deprived him of the human contact that he desires, so he will naturally be desperate for the pain that this is causing him to come to an end. What might enter his mind is that how he is behaving is irrational, with there being no reason for him to be this way. The Solution One way of looking at this would be to say that his life is this way because of his ‘negative’ thoughts and what he believes about women. By changing what is going on up top, so to speak, his life will change. Nonetheless, this could be seen as a very disconnected approach as what is unlikely to be explored is why he has these ‘negative’ thoughts and beliefs. If he was to take a deeper look into why he is this way, he might soon see that how he experiences life is anything but irrational. Going Deeper For him to find out why he experiences life in this way, it will be a good idea for him to take a closer look at what took place during his formative years. Right now, he might not be able to remember a great deal about this key stage of his life. He could just think that it wasn’t that bad and that it is all in the past now so it doesn’t matter what it was like. Yet, even if he says it wasn’t that bad and believes that as it is in the past it doesn’t matter, this doesn’t mean that this stage of his life wasn’t brutal or that it is not impacting his life. A Closer Look At this stage of his life, his mother may have been emotionally unstable, physically and verbally abusive, and emotionally unavailable. Instead of having a mother who was loving, he would have had a mother who was cold and cruel. This would have deprived him of the love that he needed to grow and develop in the right way and this would have greatly wounded him. Throughout this stage of his life, he is likely to have felt fearful, scared, terrified, overwhelmed, worthless, and powerless and as though he was going to die. A Helpless Position The trouble was that as he was powerless and totally dependent, he wouldn’t have been able to do anything about what was going on. His only option would have been to disconnect from himself and go into a shut down, collapsed and frozen state. The pain that he was in, along with his development needs, would have automatically been pushed out of his conscious awareness and repressed. Many, many years will have passed since he was a powerless boy but most if not all of the pain and arousal that he experienced will be held inside him. A Natural Consequence Additionally, his unmet developmental needs will cause him to unconsciously recreate scenarios that are similar to his early years in the hope that this time it will be different. This is why he will endlessly end up in situations where he re-experiences how he felt around his mother. For him to truly put the past behind him and no longer look for what he missed out on, he will need to face and work through the pain inside him. This is something that will take courage and patience and persistence. Awareness If a man can relate to this and he is ready to change his life, he may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article.
Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
At this moment in time, one may be talking to someone that is not who they say they are. However, as far as one is concerned, they will be in a relationship with someone who loves or at the very least cares about them.
In reality, the person they are talking to will simply be using them in order to receive as much money as they can, along with other resources. When one is in this position, then, there is going to be what they believe is going on and what is actually going on. The Beginning As to how they met someone who is using them, they may have met them via a dating app, social media site or by being directly contacted. Either way, it might not have been long until the other person made it clear how much they love them. If they met them via a dating app or a social media site, they might not have seen many pictures of them, or they might have seen a lot of pictures. When it comes to what this person looks like, they could be physically attractive and in good shape. Uplifted To be loved and made to feel special by someone like this is naturally going to have a positive effect on their well-being. Yet, in all likelihood, the person they are talking to is not the person they are actually talking to - and there is a chance that many different people will message them. The person they are talking to may be using someone else’s pictures, or they might be using AI-generated images. Therefore, when it relates to the former, this person will exist but this person wouldn’t know them even if they did meet them and their voice would be different, and, when it comes to the latter, this person won’t even exist. Laying the Foundations After a certain amount of love and trust had been formed, and it is likely that many messages and calls will be exchanged throughout the day, their lover is likely to have asked them for money. When it comes to why they needed this money, there could be numerous reasons. For example, they could say that they need the money to pay their debts, medical expenses or travel expenses. They might have also brought other family members into the equation, saying that they needed the money for food or medical expenses for their child or children. Pulling At the Heart Strings At first, the amount that was asked for might have been minimal, but, as the days, weeks, months and perhaps years went by, it might have gradually increased. Thanks to the reasons that have been put forward in regard to why they need the money, it will have been easier for them to bypass one’s critical faculties. And, if one has ever said no and not given in to their lover’s request for money, they might have tried to make them feel guilty. Also, they might have questioned if they actually love them and threatened to withdraw their ‘love’. External Feedback Now, if one was to talk to a friend or family member about their online lover, someone who they might not have even seen via a video call, they might soon be told that they are being taken advantage of. As far as this person is concerned, they will be being swindled by someone who doesn’t care about them. Nonetheless, it doesn’t mean that one will take any notice of them. This friend or family member could then deeply love and care about them but what they say will fall on deaf ears. Validation After this conversation has come to an end, one could end up talking to their online lover about what has been said. Here, one could be told not to listen to what anyone says or words to that effect. If this takes place, it could be said that one will be well and truly caught up in their lover’s world and won’t be willing to consider that they could be being swindled, let alone accept that they are. For them to be able to wake up and see clearly, it might take something fairly significant. What’s going on? At this point, it may seem as though this person has just happened to be scammed and is, therefore, nothing more than a victim. But, what if there was something about them that made them an easy target? There is a chance that they felt deeply alone before they ever spoke to the person who is swindling them, felt unloved and invisible, and might not have had any close bonds with others. Assuming that this was the case, after someone turned up, who was physically appealing, treated them like they were special, and was there for them, it is to be expected that they would fall headfirst into a fantasy relationship. The Other Side If, on the other hand, they didn’t feel lonely, unloved and unwanted, and had close bonds with others, would they have ended up in this position? They might have been duped for a short period of time but, by not being overly needy and emotionally empty and, thus less likely to be caught up in a fantasy bond, and having people around them who could provide them with feedback; it might have soon come to an end. Ultimately, it would have been easier for them to face reality and not only see when something wasn’t right but to be able to do something about it. Their need to deceive themselves wouldn’t have been as strong. Final Thoughts What this illustrates is that when someone is in pain, their mind will create all kinds of fantasies as a defence. Another person can then feed into a fantasy but one has to be willing to deceive themselves to be able to be deceived by others. This is why it has been said that we see with our brains, not our eyes. So, if facing up to something would cause one to experience a lot of pain, they will have a strong need to be caught up in something that is not real to distract them from what is.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
What someone may find, if they were to step back and reflect on their life, is that they typically need to be by themselves in order to feel settled and at ease. Along with this, this can be when they generally experience a sense of freedom and are able to be themselves.
On the other hand, when they are around others, they can often experience a lot of pressure and feel as though they have no control over themselves. By being this way, it is likely to mean that they will often say yes when they would rather say no and do things that they won’t want to do. A Possession As opposed to experiencing a sense of self-ownership around another or others, then, it will be as if they belong to them. How they feel and their own needs could end up being a mystery to them too. Thanks to this, they may experience tension when they are around others but that could be about as far as it will go. Once they are by themselves, however, they could soon come into contact with a lot of frustration. An Exercise Now, if they were to imagine being around another person and in tune with their needs, they could find that there is resistance when it comes to them asserting themselves. What is likely to feel comfortable to a big part of them is to simply go along with what the other person wants. The part of them that doesn’t want to behave in this way is going to end up being outmuscled by a part that does. If they were to go against this and assert themselves, they could end up experiencing a fair amount of anxiety. One option Based on this, a big part of them is going to believe that the only way for them to survive, when they are in the company of another, is for them to do what they want. If they want to freely express themselves, they will need to be by themselves. Yet, although they will be able to be themselves when they are alone, this is going to cause them to have a very lonely existence. For this to change and for them to be able to fully show up around others, they will need to know that it is safe enough for them to freely express themselves around others. Way of Life If they were to think about how they behave, they may find that they have been this way for as long as they can remember. Over the years, they might have even been labelled as being ‘strange’ due to how much time they spend by themselves. But, even if this has happened, it will now be clear that they haven’t consciously chosen to do this; it has been a way for them to maintain their sense of self. If it was possible for them to typically do this around others, there would be no need for them to spend so much time by themselves. Going Deeper Assuming that their life has more or less always been this way, it could show that they were brought up in an environment where their boundaries were rarely if ever respected. In the eyes of one or both of their parents, they would have been nothing more than an object that was there to be used as and when they wanted to use it, not a human being that had needs and feelings. Therefore, if one of their parents wanted them to do something, it would have mattered whether or not they wanted to do it. They would have had to do as they were told or face the consequences. The Alternative If they didn’t do what they wanted, they might have ended up being harmed and/or rejected and left. The message they would have sent them, both directly and indirectly, then, was that they had no control. Moreover, their sole purpose was to do what another person or people wanted and if they resisted this, they would suffer. To handle what was going on, the pain that they experienced and their developmental needs would have been repressed. Living up Top Being in their body and a feeling human being would have been too much for them to handle. Living upstairs and estranged from themselves would have made this stage of their life more bearable. As their boundaries were not respected and they were not treated as a human being that was valuable and lovable, they wouldn’t have developed a felt sense of safety, security, worth or lovability. This is why they won’t feel safe being in their body and when they are, they are likely to feel deeply vulnerable and hopeless and helpless. Drawing the Line For them to gradually change how they experience life, they are likely to have a lot of pain to work through and unmet developmental needs to experience. This is something that will take courage and patience and persistence. Awareness If someone can relate to this and they are ready to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
After a number of months have passed, a woman may see that her partner is overly focused on his mother. Regardless of if this stood out in the beginning, then, it will now be something that is only too clear.
The next step can be for her to talk to him about what is going on, to see if she can make some headway. Most likely, she will hope that by pointing out what is going on, he will gradually change. Out of balance If she has been with him for a few months, she could be tired of having to share him with his mother. As opposed to being in a monogamous relationship, it could be as though she is with a man that has two women on the go. Not only this, she is going to be treated like a partner that is not as important as the other partner. Naturally, the pain that this is causing her is going to give her the drive to do something about their relationship. The ideal Now, after pointing out what is going on, he might gradually be able to accept that what she is saying is accurate. The reason he might gradually be able to accept this is that he could deny what she says at first. But, if he has been this way for most of his life, it is to be expected that there will be a fair amount of resistance at first. Coming to terms with how he behaves is likely to mean that he will have to face things he would rather not face and will come into contact with a lot of pain as a result. A Process In addition to him acknowledging what is going on and making a commitment to change his life, he might also need to reach out for external support. What this comes down to is that if he has been this way for most of his life, there are going to be parts of him that don’t want to change. In a way, it will be as if he is coming off an addiction and this is likely to take a lot of time and effort. With external support, it will be easier for him to keep going when he feels the pull to go back to how he was and stay on track. A Different Experience Yet, even though this will be the ideal scenario, it might not be something that takes place. Instead, after talking to him about what is going on, he could deny what she says and make out that she is simply seeing things. Alternatively, he could agree with what she says and agree to change, but he might not make any effort whatsoever to change his life. At this point, she might come to the conclusion that she needs to cut her losses and move on with her life. Drawing the Line She could see how long she has been with a man who is not available and not want to spend any more time on him. Of course, if she was going to live forever it wouldn’t matter but she is not going to. If she takes this route, she could have a number of losses to grieve such as the loss of the time that she will never get back and the loss of a relationship that she wanted but didn’t have. Still, by cutting her ties with him, it will allow her to find a man who is actually available. Another Experience Then again, this might not happen, and she could continue to stay with him even though he is in denial or can see what is going on, at times, but is not doing anything about it. If this is not the case already, she could end up acting more like his mother than his equal with her putting in a lot of effort to try to understand and change him. This is then going to be a relationship that is giving her very little and this is going to mean that she will continue to become even more exhausted and frustrated as time goes by. As things stand, she could be a shadow of her former self. Stepping Back What is clear is that the sooner she cuts her ties with him, the sooner she will be able to get her life back on track. To understand why she would be with a man who is unable to truly be there for her and has perhaps been in this position on at least one other occasion, it is likely to be a good idea to take a closer look at her early years. This may have been a time when at least one of her parents was unable to provide her with the love that she needed to grow and develop in the right way. She might have been physically harmed, verbally put down and/or neglected. Missed out Irrespective of what took place, she would have been emotionally deprived. But, this stage of her life would have ended up being forgotten about by her conscious mind. Even so, her unmet developmental needs, and the pain that she experienced, wouldn’t have disappeared; they would have been repressed. Her unmet developmental needs will have caused her to unconsciously be pulled to a man, and perhaps men, who can’t be there for her, so that she can finally be loved. A Replay The man won’t be her mother or her father, but, thanks to transference, a big part of her won’t realise this. This part of her will hope that if she puts in enough effort, she will finally receive what she needs. The trouble is that not only is the man not one of her parents, but this stage of her life is also over and this means that she will never be loved by them. To put an end to this struggle, she will need to face the pain that she was unable to face and integrate during her formative years. Awareness If a woman can relate to this and she is ready to change her life, she may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
If a man was to see that he is overly focused on his mother, it is not going to be a surprise if he ends up coming to the conclusion that he is this way because of how his mother treated him very early on. The reason for this is that after looking into what took place during his early years, he could see that how he behaves as an adult is a continuation of how he behaved as a child.
Therefore, if his mother had seen him as an individual that had his own needs and feelings and was truly there for him, he wouldn’t need to be this way. It will then be clear that she is responsible for how he has turned out. The Outcome As a result of this, he may experience a fair amount of anger, rage and even hate when he thinks about how his mother treated him. At a stage of his life when he was powerless and totally dependent, he would have been taken advantage of. He needed to be loved by his mother, not used by her and this would have meant that he would have done just about anything to be loved by her. But, as she was unable to truly be there for him and give him the love he needed, it wouldn’t have mattered what he did. The Same Story Now that he is an adult, his struggle to be loved by her will have continued. That’s not to say that he will have been aware of this, though, as it is likely to have been something that was outside of his conscious awareness. Another part of this is that, deep down, he is likely to fear that he will be rejected and abandoned and that his life will come to an end if focuses on himself and lives his own life. Yet, although this can appear to be something that will happen, it is most likely something that has already happened. A Traumatic Time Throughout his early years, he is likely to have been rejected and abandoned on numerous occasions. It then wouldn’t have mattered how focused he was on his mother or what he did as he would have still been greatly wounded. Yet, as he wouldn’t have been able to handle how he felt and his feelings ended up being repressed, it wouldn’t have been possible for him to integrate what took place. This is then why what has already happened will be seen as something that is about to happen. Another Factor Now, if he was to get in touch with how he feels below his anger, rage and even hate, he can experience a lot of softer feelings such as sadness, hopelessness, helplessness and hurt. After he has been working through the layers and layers of pain inside him for a little while, he might end up thinking about his father. What might play a part in this is that he could think about a friend or a family member that has a very supportive father. Thanks to this, assuming his father was around, he could wonder why his own father didn’t stand up for him and stop his mother from using him. Two Parts From this, he might soon realise that as destructive as his mother was, his father also played a part. When it comes to his mother, what she did would have wounded him and when it comes to his father, what he didn’t do would have wounded him Naturally, if he had stepped in and been there for him, his mother wouldn’t have been able to behave in the same way. Ultimately, his father wasn’t a powerless boy; he was an adult who most likely had the ability to do something. A natural Reaction When he thinks about this, he could feel angry and as though he was betrayed by his father. He might wonder if his father actually cared about him and even if he wanted him. This can be seen as a normal reaction, considering that he wasn’t there for him during a key stage of his life. And, as he was egocentric, what took place is likely to have been seen as a sign that he was worthless and unlovable. What’s going on? However, in all likelihood, his father didn’t behave in this way in order to harm him; he behaved in this way to protect himself. Deep down, he may have feared that if he stood up for his son, he would end up being left by his partner. Turning a blind eye, so to speak, and not doing anything about her behaviour was then a way for him to keep his own fears at bay. Due to how wounded he is, then, it would have prevented him from being able to act like a father, with him being more like his partners son than her equal. A Deeper Look What this may illustrate is that his early years were not very nurturing, with this being a time when he was often left and deprived of the love that he needed to grow and develop in the right way. When he was a boy, he might have done his best to please his mother and had a father who was also absent, emotionally if not physically. So, his father, though not receiving what he needed to receive and not working through any of his wounds as an adult, for whatever reason, ended up passing on what was done to him. His son, on the other hand, by being aware of all this and healing his own wounds, can put an end to this generational pattern. Awareness If a man can relate to this and he is ready to change his life, he may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article.
Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk |
Oliver JR CooperAuthor of 26 books, Transformational Writer, Teacher & Consultant. Introductory Consultation
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Disclaimer
That which is contained within these articles is based on my own empirical understanding and is true for me at the time they were written. However, as I continue to grow, what I perceive as the truth will inevitably change and as a result of this - parts of these articles may not reflect my current outlook.
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