Self-Assertion: Can Child Abuse Cause Someone To See Self-Assertion As A Threat To Their Survival?10/3/2023
At times, someone is going to need to stand their ground and not tolerate something. By doing this, they will be paying attention to their own needs and looking after their own well-being in the process.
At other times, they will need to go after what it is that they desire. This will also allow them to fulfil their needs and, thus, to live a life that is fulfilling. It’s missing However, although having this ability is a key part of living a life that is worth living, it doesn’t mean that they will effortlessly be able to do this. What can be normal is for them to allow other people to walk over them and deny their own needs. As a result of this, their true self is generally going to be hidden and they will behave in a way that is not serving them. But, if this is how their life has been for a very long time, it might not stand out. Feedback Still, this is not to say that abandoning themselves won’t have a negative impact on them. They might often feel drained and depressed but this could be put down to them simply suffering from depression, for instance. Then again, they might typically avoid what is going on inside them, which will cause them to ignore the signs that they are living in a way that is having a negative impact on them. Sooner or later, though, something could happen that will bring them to their knees, so to speak. Shinning the Light If this was to happen, they might end up finding out that they find it hard to stand up for themselves and express their needs. At this point, they could wonder why they find it so hard to do this. What they could do, to start to gain an understanding of why they are this way, is to imagine that they were to say no or to express themselves in another way. During this time, they could end up feeling anxious. A Big Risk Taking this into account, it is not a surprise that they have the inclination to act like an extension of others. Naturally, their need to survive is stronger than their need to freely express themselves. But, as this is something that should feel comfortable, it shows that something is not right. If they have been this way for as long as they can remember, it could show that their early years were not very nurturing. Back In Time If they were to think about what their early years were like, they might not be able to remember a great deal. What this is likely to show is that their brain has blocked out most if not all of what took place in order to protect them. Thanks to this, they will have been able to keep it together and function. What this illustrates is that their brains main priority is to keep them alive, not to make sure that they live a fulfilling life. A Closer Look Throughout this stage of their life, they may have had at least one parent that was physically and verbally abusive and neglected them. So, instead of being brought up in an environment where it was safe for them to be themselves, they would have felt unsafe, insecure and unwanted. Due to this, they would have had to lose touch with themselves and create a disconnected, false self. Living on the surface of themselves would have allowed them to avoid the pain in their body and be more prepared for when they would be harmed. Self-Alienation Living up top would have allowed them to attune to the needs of others, whilst being totally oblivious to their own needs. Yet, as they were powerless and totally dependent, there was absolutely nothing that they could do to change what was going on. This is why they had to adapt to a dysfunctional environment, setting them to up suffer as an adult. Now that they are an adult, what took place will be over but a big part of them won’t have truly moved on. The Fall Out They are likely to carry a lot of pain and arousal, and this will stop them from being both in tune with and freely expressing themselves. Working through this pain and arousal is likely to take courage and patience and persistence. Awareness If someone can relate to this and they are ready to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
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There are some people that are not very confident and are full of doubt, while there are others that are full of confidence and don’t really experience doubt. Due to this, those that can relate to the former often achieve far less than those that can relate to the latter.
If one was to meet someone that falls into the second category, one could wonder how they could be this way. While they could struggle to feel good and capable, they won’t be in the company of someone that is in the same position. High Up It might not stop there though; as this person could have an air of superiority about them and make out that they are better than others. There is a chance that they will be fairly successful in at least one area of their life. Thanks to this, they could have certain material items that will help to support their inflated view of themselves. If they do make out that they are better than others, both directly and indirectly, then, these items will be used to validate this view. A Strong Shell If they receive constructive feedback or are criticised, it might not have much of an impact on them. Like a ball that has been thrown against a wall, it could bounce right off them. Then again, they could become very self-righteous and angry and end up laying into the other person. Along with this, they could end up criticising this person behind their back, making out that they have been wronged. No Way Through As a result of this, it won’t matter if the other person’s intentions were clear and if what they were saying was right as it won’t go in. Their heightened sense of themselves will make it hard for them to accept feedback. At this point, it could be said that one of the reasons why they are so confident is because they are not connected to life. They have walled themselves up and this then allows them to be so bold. Unaffected Therefore, as they are not really impacted by life, there is going to be no reason for them to not be confident. If life had a big impact on them, this wouldn’t be the case. But, while being this way might have allowed them to become successful and to be admired by some, it is unlikely to allow them to have fulfilling relationships and, before long, they could soon fall off their self-imposed pedestal. One-Sided If they are in a relationship, they could be with someone that is overly submissive and easy-going. This person is then going to spend a lot of time being walked over and having their needs overlooked. Instead of being in a relationship where they are valued, seen and loved, they will be in a relationship where they are not valued, seen or loved. If they felt somewhat alive before this relationship began, they could now feel totally drained. A fall When it comes to why they are likely to soon fall off their self-imposed pedestal, this will come down to the fact that reality will end up catching up with them. So, while they will be good at blocking out anything that goes against their heightened view of themselves, not listening to and doing anything about the feedback they receive will harm them sooner or later. For example, they could end up being isolated from others, losing their job and even having health problems. But, instead of being able to join the dots, they could believe that they are being unfairly punished and have plenty of people to blame. What’s going on? In all likelihood, they will have been this way for most of their life and if this is so, it could show that their early years were not very nurturing. This may have been a time when they were deeply wounded by one or both of their parents. Throughout this stage of their life, they may have been treated like they were nothing, with them often being humiliated and. criticised. Additionally, they might have often been physically harmed and neglected. Self-Protection To stop themselves from feeling totally worthless and unlovable, however, they would have gradually created a disconnected false self. This false self would have stopped them from having to come into contact with their true self, with them going from someone that felt less-than-human to someone that felt more-than-human. Both their mind and their body would have combined to defend themselves against their true feelings. Keeping these defences in place will take a lot of energy and external items and positive feedback they receive will help to keep them in place. Too much To Handle The inflated false self that they have in place is going to undermine them sooner or later, that’s if it hasn’t already, but as they carry so much pain inside them, they will naturally do everything that they can to keep it in place. It is then highly unlikely that they would end up reaching out for support. For this to happen, they might have to go through something so dramatic that it destroys their defences and exposes them to their true feelings. As traumatic as this would be, it would allow them to reconnect to their humanity. Awareness If someone can relate to this and they are ready to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
What someone could wonder, if they were to come across a man that is overly caught up with his mother, is why he behaves in this way. He will be a man, not a boy, so there is going to be no reason for his life to revolve around her.
As this is the case, his life should come first and his mother’s life should be of secondary importance. It could then be said that he just needs to draw the line and focus on his own life. External Feedback If this person was to talk to him about this, and this could be a friend or a family member, they could say that his life is important and he needs to be there for himself. This might not have much of an impact though. Based on how he responds, it could be as if he is being criticised or encouraged to do something that is not right. If so, not only will be living in a way that is not serving him but he won’t be able to able to acknowledge this. Business as Usual He will then continue to behave in the same way and his life will continue to pass him by. At this point, it will be clear that something is not right as he should be living his own life, not letting it pass him by. Now, this is not a value judgement, it is simply a fact; after all, he is on this earth to live his own life, not to act like an extension of another person. What this is likely to show is that although he looks like an adult, he doesn’t feel like one. A Disconnected State Nonetheless, this doesn’t mean that he is consciously aware of the fact that he doesn’t feel like an adult. The reason for this is that he is unlikely to have a strong connection with his emotional self. Consequently, his true feelings will typically be outside of his conscious awareness and how he is behaving will then be something that generally feels comfortable. If he was to change his behaviour, he might soon come into contact with how he truly feels deep down. Frozen In Time As he is now an adult and is no longer a child, it might seem strange as to why he wouldn’t feel like an adult. This is likely to be a sign that, during his formative years, he missed out on the love that he needed to grow and develop in the right way. This would have prevented him from being able to go through each developmental stage. Naturally, as he feels like a boy deep down, his adult needs are largely going to be ignored, with his developmental needs taking precedence. An Analogy One way to understand what is going on would be for someone to imagine that they are hungry but, instead of having a full course meal they just have a starter. Once the meal is over, as they will still be hungry, they won’t truly be able to focus on anything else. In the same way, the man’s childhood will be over but as he didn’t receive what he needed, he won’t be able to truly focus on his adult life. Deep down, his unmet developmental needs will cause him to behave in a way that will hopefully allow him to receive what he missed out on all those years ago. Two levels On one level, then, will be someone that looks like an adult, and, on another level, will be someone that feels like a boy and is waiting for his mother to finally love him. The trouble is that as this stage of his life is now over, it is too late for him to receive what he missed out on. Also, the underdeveloped parts of him don’t want to be loved by his current mother, they want to be loved by the version of his mother that no longer exists. With this in mind, he could focus on her for millions of years and it still wouldn’t allow him to receive what he missed out on. What Happened? As to why he didn’t receive what he needed, it is likely to show that his mother used him to meet some of her adult and unmet developmental years. The roles were then reversed and he had to be an adult before he was able to be a child. His developmental needs and the pain that he experienced would have ended up being repressed by his brain. The outcome of this is that he would have developed a disconnected false self that would have encapsulated his underdeveloped true self. A Natural Outcome If he had entered the world in a fully developed state, it wouldn’t have mattered that his mother was unable to provide him with what he needed. But, as he didn’t, it is to be expected that he wouldn’t have been able to truly move on from his developmental years. Therefore, there is nothing inherently wrong with him and he is not weak, for instance, he is simply unconsciously doing what he can to avoid the pain that he experienced all those years ago and receive what a big part of him desperately needs – his mother’s love. Facing the pain that he had to repress and experiencing his unmet development needs will be a key part of what will allow him to outgrow this stage of his life. Awareness If a man can relate to this and he is ready to change his life, he may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
What someone may find, if they were to step back and reflect on their life, is that they often feel down and low. For most of their life, this may have been something that they have typically been able to cover up.
Now, though, it could be a lot harder for them to do this and this might make them wonder what is going on. What could enter their mind is that they suffer from depression and there is then something wrong with them. Looking Back When it comes to what they have done to avoid themselves, they might have spent a lot of time in doing mode. So, practically always being on the go will have made it easier for them to keep what is going on for them at bay. Along with this, they might have often consumed different things. Thanks to this, they wouldn’t have been aware of what was really going on for them and would have been able to carry on as normal. A Trigger What may have played a part in them no longer being able to cover up how they feel is a loss of some kind. They might have experienced a breakup, lost a loved one or had a pet that has passed on. Either way, this might have weakened their defences and caused them to come face to face with what they have been able to run away from for so long. What is currently going on will then have added more weight to the weight that they are already carrying. A Sense of Despair Due to how low they now feel, they might wonder if they will ever be able to get out of the hole that they are in. Getting out of bed could be tough and it could be hard for them to perform at their best when they are at work. A number of the things that they enjoyed doing before might also no longer interest them. They might then have gone from one extreme to the other, being super driven at one point to having no oomph at another. Going Deeper If they were able to connect with how they feel, what they might soon come to see is that they feel very sad. Moreover, in addition to the sadness that they feel after experiencing a loss, that’s if they have, they could find that there is additional sadness. At this point, it could be as though they don’t just feel sad but they are made of sadness; that’s how sad they could feel. When they are depressed, then, it will show that they are in a shut down state, and, when they are not in this state, they will be able to access how they really feel. What’s going on? If they have felt low for most of their life, it could show that their early years were a time when they were deprived of the love that they needed to grow and develop in the right way. They may have been brought up by parents that were emotionally unavailable and often left them. This would then have been a period of their life that was filled with loss and a time when they would have experienced a lot of sadness as a result. As they were powerless and totally dependent, they wouldn’t have been able to do anything about what was going on. The Outcome To handle the pain of not being loved, their brain would have repressed how they felt and they would have gradually gone into a shut down state. This would have allowed them to keep it together and function. The downside is that they would have lost touch with their true self and created a disconnected false self in the process. The years would then have passed but the pain they experienced would have stayed locked inside them. A Build Up But, after more layers of pain accumulated inside them, it would have gotten harder and harder for their defences to stay in place. They will now have the opportunity to truly put the past behind them. For this to take place, they are going to need to face and work through the pain that they were unable to handle all those years ago. This will take courage and patience and persistence. Awareness If someone can relate to this and they are ready to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
After someone has experienced a breakup, lost a loved one, or had a pet pass on, for instance, they could end up embracing how they feel and allowing themselves to grieve. This is then likely to be a time when they won’t behave as they usually would.
So, they might no longer have the desire to do certain things and might prefer to spend more time by themselves. Their life will have been one way and now it will be another way, with it never being the same again. A Stage This is not to say that they will be this way forever but, this will be an important phase for them to go through. By surrendering to what is going on for them as opposed to resisting it, they will be able to gradually embrace life once again. What is likely to help them, during this time, is for them to write, cry and share their inner experience with trusted others. Therefore, as it important it will be for them to spend time by themselves, they are also going to need external support. Not an Island Yet, as they are an interdependent human being, not an independent human being, this is to be expected. Ultimately, needing others is not a sign of weakness; it is simply part of the human experience. As for how long it takes for them to find their feet again, it can depend on a number of different factors. How mentally and emotionally together they were before, how much repressed pain they were carrying before, how sensitive they are and how much support they have will all play a part. A Time of Patience It could be a number of months or even years before they are ready to experience a new normal. What can make it harder for them to embrace this process is if there are people in their life that are human doings, not human beings. For someone like this that is more or less constantly on the go, there will be no time to engage in this process. In their eyes, life could be too short to step off the track and not carry on as normal. The Norm This view will be a natural consequence of living in a society that is largely stuck in doing mode. In this society, the average person’s sympathetic nervous system will spend a lot of time in an activated state. In other words, they will spend a lot of time in flight mode. As opposed to running from an external threat, however, they are likely to be running from an internal threat that they are not consciously aware of but are still reacting to. Another Experience Now, although this can be seen as a healthy approach, there are others that won’t go down this path. As a result of this, they will experience a loss and end up carrying on as normal. Based on how they behave after this has taken place, it can be as if what has taken place hasn’t had an impact on them. Due to this, some of the people in their life could comment on how strong and resilient they are. Positive Feedback In a society that typically values the masculine element more than the feminine element, it is to be expected that not showing emotions will be seen as a sign of strength. Expressing emotions, and thus, crying after a loss, then, will be seen as a sign of weakness. The trouble is that while they might be able to act strong in the short term, it might not be long until the pain that they have avoided makes itself known. As the days, weeks and months pass, they could have less energy and drive, with it being a challenge for them to behave in the same way. Rock Bottom If this was to take place, they could wonder what is going on. After a while, they could have the need to see their doctor, and this could be a time when they will be diagnosed as being depressed. If they feel flat and it is hard for them to function, they will certainly fit the diagnoses but taking medication, for instance, won’t get to the root of what is going on. Quite simply, they will have avoided facing the pain they were in and now this pain will be knocking at their door, calling for their attention. A Closer Look The pain that they were in would have been removed from their conscious mind but it won’t have been removed from their consciousness. For so long, their defences would have allowed them to keep this pain at bay but now it will be breaking through. As to why they didn’t allow themselves to face how they felt after a loss, it can be a sign that they were already carrying a lot of loss. Thanks to this, if they had faced how they felt, they would have been overwhelmed with pain. Back In Time This doesn’t mean that this was something that they were consciously aware of as they are unlikely to have chosen to respond in this way. Most likely, it would have been something that happened automatically. If they are carrying a lot of loss and pain, it could illustrate that their early years were also full of loss. Perhaps they were brought up by parents that were emotionally unavailable and often left them. One Option Not having a number of their developmental needs met on a regular basis if at all would have deeply wounded them. As they were powerless and totally dependent, they would have had to repress the pain they were in and their development needs. The years would then have passed but how they felt would have stayed locked inside them. Naturally, as they will carry so much pain from their childhood and their adult life, they will have done and will do their best to stop themselves from drawing in it. Awareness If someone can relate to this and they are ready to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk Child Abuse: Can Someone Be Out Of Touch With Their Need For Love If They Were Abused As A Child?18/2/2023
There are those that are in tune with their need to be loved and those that are not. When someone is not in tune with this need, they might have been this way for most if not all of their life.
As a result of this, they won’t be in tune with this need and this will be something that they are not aware of. But, even if this is the case, it doesn’t mean that this need won’t have an effect on their life. Hidden From outside of their conscious awareness, it will exert its influence in one way or another. So, one thing that it can do is cause them to have a very high sex drive and or to be a workaholic. On one level, these can be seen as things that have absolutely no connection to the need to be loved. However, on another level, they will be examples of how their need to be loved will have been redirected. A New Direction Behind their need to have a lot of sex and their need to work so much, assuming that they are in this position, then, will be their need to be loved. If this was put forward to them, they could dismiss what is said. They could say that sex is enough for them and that they don’t want more and that they enjoy working. And, due to how hidden their need for love is, it is to be expected that they would respond in this way. The Driving Force They won’t have access to what is driving their behaviour, so there will be no reason for them to say anything else. What is taking place in their mind will be seen as what is driving their behaviour. They are then going to be controlled by a part of them that they don’t even realise exists. A number of the people in their life could also be in a similar position, which will help to strengthen their view that how they are behaving is normal. A Struggle Nonetheless, there could come a point in time when they no longer want to behave in this way, with them simply not having the desire or the energy to do so. Along with this, they could come into contact with the need to be in a relationship and spend more time doing things that are not work-related. Still, a big part of them could still want to behave in the same way and this is going to lead to inner conflict. Behaving in a way that is not truly serving them is then going to be what primarily feels comfortable. A Deeper Look What might enter their mind is why they haven’t been in tune with their need to be loved and why this need has been channelled into other needs. When they have sex, this will give them the sense that they are being loved. They will experience human contact but they won’t truly be seen by the other person and it won’t last. As for when they work, this will probably allow them to receive a fair amount of approval from others and to feel seen. A Poor Replacement When it comes to them being loved, this will relate to them being seen and heard, held, touched, and valued. This is not going to take place purely by having sex or by working hard. The only thing that it is likely to do is to allow them to release tension and help to keep their need for love at bay. At this stage, they could wonder why they have been able to meet this need directly as opposed to trying to unconsciously meet it indirectly. What’s going on? If they were to think about expressing this need directly, they might soon feel deeply uncomfortable. It could be as though something bad will happen to them and they will end up being rejected and abandoned. What this is likely to show is that their early years were not very nurturing, with this being a time when they were often abused and neglected. By being treated in this way, it wouldn’t have been safe for them to express their need to be loved and be vulnerable, and, even if they did, it probably wouldn’t have been met. One option To handle what was going on, their brain would have automatically repressed a number of their needs and the pain that they experienced by not having these needs met. This would have caused them to lose touch with themselves and create a disconnected false self. From this moment onwards, they are likely to have done a number of things in order to try to be loved. This might have meant they got good grades, were well behaved and were helpful. A New Experience But, no matter what they unconsciously did to try to be loved, it wouldn’t have allowed this to take place. As they were not loved and were deeply wounded, they are likely to carry a lot of pain. Physically and mentally they will have grown, but their emotional self is likely to be in an underdeveloped state. Facing this pain and experiencing their unmet development needs will play a big part in what will stop them from trying to receive the love that they missed out on as a child and be able to receive the love that they can receive as an adult. Awareness If someone can relate to this and they are ready to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article, as many others have.
Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
If someone doesn’t believe that they are lovable, it doesn’t mean that they will realise this. Even so, how they see themselves is still going to have an effect on how they experience life.
By being this way, it can be normal for them to push human warmth away. But, if they are not aware of the fact that they don’t feel lovable or see how they are pushing warmth away, they won’t be able to join the dots, so to speak. For Example So, if they were to meet someone that is loving and kind, they might not be in their life for very long. Naturally, spending time around someone like this is not going to feel comfortable. To resolve this inner discomfort, they could do something that will create the impression that they are not into the other person. So, they could do this by turning up late to see them or not responding to their messages. An Automatic process This is not to say that they will consciously choose to do this as it could be something that takes place without them even thinking about it. Another thing that they could do is go with someone else and cheat on them. After the other person has left their life, they could end up wondering why they behaved as they did. This could be a time when they will lay into themselves, seeing themselves as a failure, for instance. Another Area If they have friends that are warm and treat them with respect, this could also make them feel uncomfortable. Based on how they feel, it will be as though they are receiving something that they are not worthy of. These people are then going to treat them in a way that they deserve to be treated but they won’t be able to accept this. This may mean that they have pushed a number of friends away over the years. Making the Unconscious Conscious If they we able to take a step back and reflect on their life, they might gradually be able to see that they don’t feel lovable. After becoming aware of this, they might see that they have felt like this for as long as they can remember. Their mind could go blank though if they were to think about why they feel this way. What could cross their mind is that they were born this way, and there is then going to be very little that they can do about it. Another Angle Nonetheless, even if they have been this way for as long as they can remember, it doesn’t mean that they were born this way. What took place during their formative years may be the reason why they are this way. This may have been a stage of their life that was anything but nurturing, with them having at least one parent that was abusive and neglectful. Thus, throughout this stage of their life, they may have been treated like they were nothing. Deeply Deprived The love that they needed to be able to grow and develop in the right way wouldn’t have been provided. Feeling worthless, unloved, unwanted, hated, rejected and alone would have been normal. As opposed to being their parent or parent’s child, then, it would have been as if they were an intruder that was forcing this person or people to look after them. Ultimately, they wouldn’t have been cherished. A Deeper Look The trouble is that although how they were treated was a reflection of what was going on for one or both of their parents, they wouldn’t have been able to accept this. As they were egocentric, how they were treated was seen as a reflection of how worthless and unlovable they were. Still, this is not to say that their parent or parents were aware of what was going on. Most likely, they were oblivious to how their own wounds were having an impact on how they saw and treated their child. Self-Alienation Now, assuming that it was one parent that treated them like dirt, this parent might have also been treated like dirt by one or both of their parents or another family member when they were younger. They would then have personalised what took place and ended up feeling worthless and unlovable. Thanks to the defences that they built up over time, they would have lost touch with their true feelings and ended up creating a disconnected and inflated false self. The outcome of this is that they would have probably seen themselves as being superior to others and their child, who would have unconsciously reminded them of the parts of themselves that they had disowned, and would have treated them in the same way that they were treated. Drawing The Line This shows how abuse is passed on from one generation to another and how important self-awareness and self-healing are. Without this, it won’t be possible for this type of behaviour to be put to an end. With that aside, the truth is that they are worthy and lovable, and if their parent treated them differently, they would probably know this at the core of their being. Due to what they went through, they are likely to have beliefs to question and pain to work through. Awareness If someone can relate to this and they are ready to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk Emotionally Shut Down: Can Someone Pathologize Themselves If They Are Emotionally Shut Down?16/2/2023
After someone has become aware of the fact that they are not connected to their feelings or are rarely connected to them, they might end up criticising themselves. They could even end up believing that there is something inherently wrong with them.
If so, this is not going to be a time when they will be kind and compassionate towards themselves. Being this way is going to make their life harder than it needs to be and not being on their own side will make it even harder. One Step Back When it comes to how they become aware of their inner disconnection, it could be because they got into a relationship. At first, they might have been fine but as things progressed, it would have become clear that something wasn’t right. Instead of being able to emotionally connect to their partner and freely express how they felt, this wouldn’t have taken place. They might have wondered what was going on and perhaps questioned if they were with the right person. Confusion Once it became clear that they didn’t have a strong connection with their feelings, it might not have been long until the relationship came to an end. Before this took place, though, their partner might have criticised them for how they were. If so, this would have made it harder for them to handle what was going on and perhaps to feel bad, too. Still, even if this didn’t take place, what was going on was likely to have been deeply frustrating for them. A Similar Experience What they may also find, if they were to look back on their life, is that this is not the first time they have had this experience. They may have been in at least one other relationship where they were unable to connect to how they felt. If they have, they might have simply believed that they were with the wrong person and it would be different once they met the right person. Yet, now that this has happened on more than one occasion, it will be clear that what is going on for them is the issue. Additional Feedback Along with what has taken place when it comes to their romantic relationships, they might have at least one friend that has described them as being emotionally disconnected. This friend might have expressed this in a critical manner or they might not. Either way, after the experiences that they have had and the feedback that they have received, they won’t be able to ignore what is going on for them. The trouble is that although they are aware of what is going on, how they are viewing what is going on is not going to serve them. The Truth What they will need to keep in mind at this point is that they are not choosing to be this way and if they have been this way for as long as they can remember, there is a strong chance that they have been deeply traumatised. Considering this, it will be important for them to be kind and compassionate toward themselves. Moreover, as opposed to judging themselves, they can move to a place of being deeply curious about why they are this way. By doing this, they will gradually go from being their own worst enemy to their own best friend. A Closer Look If they were to look back on their life, they might not be able to remember a time that was very stressful. What this can show is that their brain has blocked out what took place in order to allow them to function and keep it together. The downside of this is that the information that would shed light on why they are this way will be outside of their conscious awareness. There is a chance that they were deeply traumatised during their formative years. Back In Time Throughout this stage of their life, they might have been overwhelmed on a regular basis, with this causing them to shut down after a while. This could show that they were abused and/or neglected. Due to how underdeveloped they were and as they were unable to attach to their parent or parents, they wouldn’t have been another option. Losing the ability to feel was then what allowed them to handle a brutal stage of their life. The Key Point Keeping this in mind is likely to play an important part in them being able to see themselves differently and be kind towards themselves. They will be able to see that while their inner disconnection is making their life harder as an adult if they didn’t respond in this way earlier on, they probably wouldn’t be alive. They will have been through a lot and by understanding why they are this way and being in a place of acceptance, it will be a lot easier for them to move forward. Being in a place of resistance, on the other hand, will make it harder. Awareness If someone can relate to this and they are ready to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
If a man’s life revolves around his mother, what will stand out is that he is going to act more like an extension of her than a separate being that has his own needs and life to lead. At this point, it could be said that he just needs to implement boundaries with her and live his own life.
Not doing this, of course, is going to cause his own life to pass by and he won’t be able to get this time back. If it was possible for him to go back in time, this wouldn’t be the case. One Hurdle However, although this is what will need to take place so that he can live a life that is worth living, there could be a fair amount of resistance. Assuming that he was to become aware of how he is behaving and see that he is neglecting himself, he could soon go back to how he was before. This will show that the part of him that can see clearly and is, lets say, healthy, will be outmuscled by another part of him that doesn’t want to face reality and is not healthy. This unhealthy part of him is then going to be far stronger than the healthy part of him. Business as Usual As a result of this, he will go back to how he was before and he will continue to turn his back on himself. But, now that part of him has ‘woken up’, it might not be long until he takes a step back again and sees that how he is living is not serving him. What could soon enter his mind is that due to how strong the pull is for him to be there for his mother, this is what he is supposed to be doing. Being there for himself is then going to be the wrong thing and being there for her will be the right thing, even though this will have a negative impact on his well-being. An Illusion But, no matter how strong this pull is, it doesn’t mean that it is wrong for him to be there for himself. Ultimately, he is not here to take care of his mother’s needs, he is here to take care of his own needs. Nonetheless, thanks to how strong this pull is, it might not matter how many times he is told this by others. When he connects to this pull, it could even be as though his mother is inside him and is controlling him from the inside. Another Hurdle Along with this, he may also find that while he doesn’t want to be focused on his mother, he doesn’t know what he wants to do instead. So, if he is not there for her, he could feel lost and unsure about how to live his life. Furthermore, this could be a time when he will feel anxious and find it hard to feel at ease. This will show that he is dependent on her guidance and a big part of him believes that he needs to be focused on her in order to exist. An Inner Emptiness With this in mind, it is likely to illustrate that he doesn’t have a strong connection with himself and is in a disconnected state. Moreover, it is likely to show that a big part of him is in survival mode. By being estranged from himself and, thus, out of touch with his feelings and a number of his needs, it is to be expected that he would be lost without his mother’s direction. And, as for a big part of him being in survival mode, it makes sense as to why he would see his mother as being essential to his survival. A Bizarre Scenario Instead of being connected to his body and, consequently, in tune with his needs and feelings, it is going to be as if he is missing something. He won’t feel strong and capable, that’s for sure. By being in this empty and unresourceful state and not feeling at ease, unless he pleases his mother, it is not going to be a surprise that he won’t just be able to live his life. He will look whole and complete but this won’t be his inner experience. What’s going on? If this is how he has been for as long as he can remember, it is likely to mean that his adult life is simply a continuation of his early years. This would then have been a time when he had to be there for his mother, with him being deprived in the process. In addition to being deprived of the emotional nutrients that he needed to grow and develop in the right way, he would have experienced a lot of pain. This pain, along with his needs and feelings, so his true self, would have automatically been repressed by his brain. A Natural Outcome His physical self and his mental self would have grown but his emotional self wouldn’t have. This is why he will feel empty and incomplete and why his survival will still be attached to his mother. Being in a repressed state is also going to prevent him from being able to access his inner guidance and know what is right for him. With this in mind, he is going to be like a house that needs renovating as opposed to a house that just needs repainting. Awareness If a man can relate to this and he is ready to change his life, he may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article, as many others have.
Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
What someone may find, if they were to step back and reflect on their life, is that they often feel alone, ignored and unsupported. Now, this could be a sign that they don’t have many friends and spend a lot of time by themselves, or it might not be this black and white.
If they can relate to the former, it will be clear why they often feel this way. But, if they can relate to the latter, it won’t be as clear why they would often feel this way. Together Alone The reason for this is that they won’t spend a lot of time alone and they will have friends, so it could be said that they shouldn’t feel this way. However, what this illustrates is that it is not enough for someone to simply spend time around others. For them to feel connected, seen and supported, they will be to spend time around people that are able to attune to them. Along with this, they will need to feel comfortable enough to express how they feel and their needs. A Common Occurrence If they do have people in their life, then, they could find that they are not truly seen by most of them. What could also stand out is that they rarely open up about what is going on for them. At this point, they could believe that if the people in their life were different, they would open up. Yet, as most of them are not interested in how they feel or their needs, they would be wasting their time. A Tough Time Naturally, as they are an independent human being, they need to deeply connect with at least a few of their fellow human beings. Simply spending time in the company of others is not going to be enough. That is not to say that this won’t serve them as it is going to be better than nothing but it will be a poor replacement. To use an analogy; they will be living on scrapes as opposed to having nutritious meals. The Outcome Not receiving what they need is going to deprive them of the nutrients that they need to be at their best. As a result of this, in addition to feeling alone, ignored and unsupported, they might often feel down and very low. They are going to be desperate to be around people who are able to emotionally connect to them and who they feel safe enough to open up to. One thing that they may do to change how they feel is to eat or drink. Not the Same If they do eat food, this will probably allow them to feel better for a little while. Yet, before long, they will soon come crashing back down to earth and face to face with how depriving their life is. And, as they will have felt better, albeit artificially, it might be harder for them to handle what is going on. Undoubtedly, they are going to be desperate for their life to change, so that they no longer have to spend as much time running on empty. Confusion If this is how their life has been for as long as they can remember, they might wonder if their life will ever change. But, if their life has been this way for a very long time, this is to be expected. To understand why they are experiencing life in this way, it will be a good idea for them to think about what their early years were like. The reason is that their adult life is probably a continuation of what took place at this stage of their life was like. Back In Time During this period of their life, one or both of their parents might have been emotionally unavailable and unable to attune to them. Consequently, this would have deprived them of the attunement that they needed to grow and develop in the right way, Not being seen and provided with the love and support that they needed would have deeply wounded them. To handle what was going on, their brain would have repressed the pain they were in and they would have lost touch with their true self. The Meaning As they were powerless and dependent, they wouldn’t have been able to do anything about what was going on and had to adapt to a dysfunctional environment. Not only this, as they were egocentric, they would have come to believe that their needs, feelings and themselves were bad. Many, many years will have passed sign this stage of their life, but as a number of their needs were rarely if ever met and ended up being repressed, they will still be looking for what they missed out on. This is then why they will have unconsciously recreated a life where they are deprived of the attunement that they need. A New Chapter For them to leave this barren existence behind, they are likely to have a lot of pain to face and unmet developmental needs to experience. By engaging in this process, they will finally be able to meet their adult need to be seen and heard. Awareness If someone can relate to this and they are ready to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article, as many others have.
Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk |
Oliver JR CooperAuthor of 26 books, Transformational Writer, Teacher & Consultant. Introductory Consultation
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Disclaimer
That which is contained within these articles is based on my own empirical understanding and is true for me at the time they were written. However, as I continue to grow, what I perceive as the truth will inevitably change and as a result of this - parts of these articles may not reflect my current outlook.
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