We live in a time where brands are everywhere and there is more or less a brand for everything. From branded water; to branded clothes and anything else that one could imagine. Part of the brand experience is that it creates sense of trust for people; that they can rely on the brand to deliver on its promise. And based on these associations that the brand creates, one can then feel safe through using the brand. If one was in a foreign country for instance and saw two coffee shops that they have never heard of and a star bucks: it is likely that star bucks would be favoured. Because not only is it familiar, it can also be relied upon to produce a consistently good product. The Other Brands Then there are the others brands that are offering something quite different. The principles that are mentioned above still apply. However, here it is about the changes in ones emotional state that are created through being associated with the brand. Ones mental, emotional and physiological disposition is being altered. And similar to how food supplies nutrients to the body, brands supply nutrients to the mind. Associations Some of the more common things that are associated with brands are: clothes, accessories, cars and phones. And although some cars or phones are better than others; it often comes down to what has been associated to a certain product that makes the difference. As the item is often no different to the ones that it is in competition with. This will usually be the case with clothes and different accessories. Using successful sports stars or actors is another ploy that is used. What one associates with the athlete or actor is then transferred onto the item. These associations are generally the same and through using the brand one will ultimately feel different. These can range from: feeling confident, being accepted, looking more attractive, feeling free, looking younger, having more sex appeal, looking successful and many more. Permission Many of these brands and the items that they produce primarily have the impact that they do because of these associations. If these associations were not there, the affect that they have on people would not be as strong. So what these brands are doing is creating a perception in people’s minds and power of the mind does the rest. And once this perception has been created, one will often act on the need that it creates. As a result of attaining the branded item one will then feel that they have the permission to feel a certain way about themselves. Needs It is then normal to need or want the branded item, as without it, one will likely feel that they cannot feel a certain way without it. When this happens, one of the intentions of the brand been achieved. And that is to create the illusion that it is the branded item that is representative of all those feelings. And to hide the truth that it is merely the associations that have been created in one’s mind that are largely fuelling the need and not the item itself. Identity What this also promotes is the belief that one’s sense of self and value is based on external acquisitions. Here how one feels, thinks and sees themselves in based in the brands that they were or don’t wear. The ability to define who they are, regardless of the brands that they associate with, is then a challenge. Blame It would then be easy to point the fingers at brands and say that they are taking advantage of people. But in order for these marketing strategies to work in the first place, people have to already be vulnerable. For the person who has a strong sense of self and knows who they are and their value, brands may well be valued and sought. And yet it is unlikely that there will be desired as they are with a person who feels empty without them. Regulation So what these brands are doing is allowing one to regulate their mental and emotional processes. So like a form of avoidance or escapism, one can run away and cover up what is affecting their self esteem or self worth. If this ability was there and one had a strong sense of self; then the need for brands would unlikely be as a strong. Normal The desire for brands can be seen as normal in the modern day world and one that is part of being a consumer. It also plays on the evolutionary need to fit in and be liked: to belong to the tribe. Having a weak sense of self and an inability to regulate oneself also feeds the brand obsession. And this is why the childhood years are an important factor in defining whether one will be obsessed by brands or not. The Beginning It is during ones time as a baby and then as a child that one’s sense of self will be created or not and when the ability to regulate oneself is formed or is not formed. Self Regulation If one is brought up by a caregiver that is able to empathise and therefore: mirror, sooth and validate ones sensations and emotional experiences, then one will have a functional model to internalise. One will then be able to self regulate. This may not happen as a result of unemapathic care and result in one being ignored, abandoned, mismatched and invalidated. And as a result of that, the ability to self regulate is unlikely to develop. Here one will have to look to outside sources to do this process. Sense Of Self Part of developing a strong sense of self and the self esteem and self worth that goes with it is to have ones caregiver’s show that one’s actions can have an effect on the environment. Through the process of the caregivers responding the baby’s and then the child needs; a sense of personal power will be gained. And if this process is not allowed to develop gradually over time, the baby and the Childs personal power will be stifled. This can lead to all kinds of problems, from having nonexistent boundaries, to feeling powerless and unworthy Control For if one feels a sense of powerlessness within, one will often to look to outside means as a way to feel control. And using different brands can allow one to feel a sense of control over how other people respond. Which is needed to cover up what is going on within, but this is of course a short term solution. So one needs to constantly keep up with the different brands and consume more of what the brands have to offer to prop up ones inner instability. Conclusion The importance of early care and nurturing cannot be denied. It is what happens during these years that largely shape who one will become as an adult. This is not to say that one has no control as an adult, but once the brain chemistry has been formed - changes are a lot harder to make. It will then depend on whether one is committed enough as an adult to make the changes. Part of what brands do then, is compensate for the lack of psychological development that exists today. Wearing something that has been well made and looks good is perfectly normal and part of one’s self expression. However, if one needs to wear or associate with a certain brand to feel good about themselves or worthy, then it is a sure sign that some kind of introspection needs to occur. If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article, as many others have.
Oliver J R Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk/
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The fear of abandonment can affect someone’s life in many different ways. There is the internal experience and the external experience. And this doesn’t mean that abandonment actually has to occur, in order for one to feel abandoned. As a result of the power and the imagination that the mind has, an experience can just as easily be created through the ego minds interpretation. This may be far from the truth and simply a reaction. Pain Abandonment is another experience that is very much like rejection – it can create incredible emotional pain and suffering. On the surface can be: anger, frustration, rejection, loss, betrayal and many other emotions. However at the bottom of these emotions is abandonment. There may also be a feeling of not being good enough that has been associated to this experience. And how strong this pain can be will vary from person to person and what is going on in one’s life. At one side of the spectrum could be a minor feeling that comes and is soon gone. And at the other it could be extremely strong and lead to depression. Relationships Now for people who fear abandonment relationships are going to be problematic. Jealousy, neediness and fear are likely to be experienced on a consistent basis. This could be any type of relationship and is not limited to intimate relationships. Friends, colleagues and family can all trigger this fear. Due to intimate relationships offering the chance for a high degree of closeness to occur; it is often these types of relationships that trigger the feeling of abandonment. Although one may be jealous or needy, it may be that one is very controlling: with both of these being ways to deal with the fear of being abandoned. Avoidance There is also the other option of avoiding relationships altogether as a way to avoid feeling abandoned. But as the saying goes ‘what we resist persists’. And this means that by avoiding relating and connecting to others at a deeper level, it simply produces the same feeling regardless. What it does do is allow the feeling of abandonment to be controlled and managed in its intensity. The Ego Mind And as the ego mind works in polarities and sees everything in black and white; it will see two options. Here one will either be abandonment or they will never be left alone. To never be left alone may seem like the only other option and one that will put an end to the feeling of being abandoned forever. However, in reality the second option is dysfunctional and one that will likely lead to the same experiences all over again. Patterns For the individual that has a fear of abandonment, there will often be certain patterns to their relationships. This will depend on many different factors; from how masculine or feminine one is and to how in touch one is with this fear. Some examples are: · It could mean that ones intimate relationships get to a certain stage and then seem to just self destruct. · That one attracts people who they don’t feel completely attracted too; then if they do leave, it won’t cause as much pain. · Being the person that the other wants them to be; compromising and acting in a way one hopes will ensure that the other person won’t leave. · One stays in a relationship that is dysfunctional and doesn’t fulfil them; out of the fear of being alone. · Even though one is in a relationship that is loving and supportive, the feeling of being abandoned never goes away. · Not wanting the other person to leave their side, in case they leave. Internal Experience While the fear of abandonment can manifest in many different ways, it is very much an internal experience. The people that seem to create it within oneself are nothing more than triggers to what already exists within. But due to the feeling often being overwhelming and how consistently this feeling can appear, it can seem that one is powerless. And that one has no control over whether this feeling is there or not. Normal If this has been a feeling that has been around for so long, it will then appear as normal. It could be described as part of life and something that has to be accepted. Here one can only feel hopeless, frustrated, and angry. And as a slave to what life may or may not bring. People who don’t have this fear can be seen as lucky or different in some way. Associations One way that the ego mind functions is through associations and these associations are often subjective. And the way that something is interpreted will be a consequence of the associations that have been formed. The associations that are formed are what the ego mind has classed as safe. And these are what are familiar; these do not have to be functional or empowering. Whatever has been experienced enough has the potential to be classed as familiar. How Does This Relate? So what this means is that the situations that appear to make one feel abandoned only have the power to do this as a result of the ego minds associations. There will be times when this fear is irrational; in the example of a loving relationship for example. And when ones partner leaves due to having grown out of the relationship and no longer feels that they are compatible; which has nothing to do with them abandoning the other. This will also mean that one will project this fear onto others and certain situations. And seeing things that are not there and interpreting behaviour to mean what it does not. One may then end up creating a self fulfilling prophecy and sabotaging anything that goes against their fear of abandonment. It’s Safe On one side this experience is painful and only creates pain and yet to the ego mind it is familiar. And so consciously it has no use, but unconsciously it has a benefit. The ego mind has associated abandonment as what is safe, this may sound ridiculous. However, in order to understand why such a dysfunctional association could be created we have to look at childhood development. Childhood Being abandoned as a baby and later as a child is something that can create real pain and suffering. And this is where these associations are generally formed. No caregiver is perfect and there will likely be moments where abandonment occurs. This is not necessarily a problem if the caregiver is empathic. Here the caregiver will be able to regulate the baby’s sensations. And when the baby grows up and becomes a child, the same regulatory process will be utilised. If the caregiver is generally unempathic, it will mean that the baby’s sensations will often be ignored. And as the baby grows into a child the same approach will likely be used. Due to the caregiver being unempathic abuse is a likely consequence and this means that there will be more chance of trauma being experienced. The above descriptions are just general examples, as it could have been just one situation that wasn’t regulated by a caregiver. And as a result of the stress or trauma being ignored, one is then affected for life or until it is dealt with. Regulation In the first example of the empathic caregiver the sensations of the baby and later emotions and feelings of the child will generally be regulated by the caregiver. This will mean there will be very little build up. Where as in the second example of the unemapthic caregiver, what is experienced by the baby and then by the child will generally have been left and not regulated. At the most extreme, the baby will have to just sit in this pain with there being nothing it can do and this will then be pushed out of conscious awareness. Frozen In Time The pain will not simple go away; it will stay frozen in the body. And until it has been let go, situations will continue to trigger this pain either through what is happening or by ones interpretation of what is happening. As it is so old and has become pushed so far out of one’s awareness it can seem to be coming out of nowhere. And the quality of this early care will largely define how severe ones fear of abandonment is. The present situation that triggers the fear is assisted through one regressing to the memories of the past. Self Worth So while associations of familiarity will have been formed around these early experiences, it may also mean that one doubts their worthiness. And this will mean that one will have to let go of these associations. Awareness The associations that the ego mind has and the patterns that these create can be changed. And the first step is to see the story that is being played out over and over again. What assistance one needs will depend on how powerful the feeling is. For some, simply becoming aware of the pattern may be enough and for others therapy may be needed. The approach doesn’t matter, what matters is that one reaches out. If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article, as many others have.
Oliver J R Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk/ There are people who take just about everything personally and this doesn’t have to be the words that other people say. It could relate to how another person looks at them and what one experiences in the world around them. This can also relate to specific situations where one is being given feedback from another; how they are performing at work or the views from their family and friends for example. Two Sides So whether one is with someone they know and who appreciates them or if they are around someone they don’t know and are unsure of what their views are: the consequences are often the same. What is said is taken to heart and ones wellbeing is constantly being affected by the outside world. One may feel that they have no control over this whole process. Victimised It would be easy to assume that such a person is a victim and that the people of the world have got it in for them. No matter where they go or who they are with – there appears to be a hidden agenda. However, amongst this will be times when other people will say that it was heard wrongly or that another person didn’t mean it. And what pushes the buttons and causes an emotional and behavioural reaction in one person, may have very little affect on another person. Random Events For people who take things personally there are likely to be certain words, vocal tones, looks and behaviours that create a reaction. On the surface these reactions may appear to be random and to come out of nowhere. Interpretation The difference between people who take things personally and people who don’t is what’s going on in their ego mind. How something is being interpreted is what often makes the difference. The meaning that anything has is largely subjective and these are based on the associations that the ego mind has formed. And these associations will be triggered automatically and often out of one’s awareness. Catalyst So what this means is that the experience that one has when another person says something or does something is the result of what already exists within. And these external triggers are acting as a catalyst. But, as this whole experience happens so quickly and naturally it can seem as though it is coming from the outside and that one is just a bystander. It’s Normal And if this is an experience that one has got used to or has not known another way, it will seem as though it is normal and how life is. The pattern needs to be broken in some way. One has to become aware of another way of being and that there is a choice. Vulnerable As one is already carrying these associations in their mind, it means that they are already vulnerable and sensitive to what others say or don’t say. The world is then validating what they believe at an unconscious level. This vulnerability and sensitivity was probably created in ones childhood. Childhood As a child one doesn’t have boundaries and unless one is encouraged by their caregivers to separate they may never develop them at all. And this means that one cannot tell the difference between who they are and who another person is. So if one was brought up around caregivers that were abusive or critical for example; one would have no choice but to take this personally. This would have then caused ones ego mind to identify with the views of their caregivers and to take them personally. Boundaries And through being mentally and emotionally connected and having no boundaries, one would have felt wide open to whatever their caregivers said or did. One would not have been able to differentiate from what they were experiencing. Unless this has been looked at and one takes the steps to create boundaries, the same scenarios will be played out again. Because the words and actions of another person don’t have to have the same affect on an adult as they do to a child. However if one regresses to that stage as an adult it won’t matter if one is physically an adult; as one will revert to a different emotional age. Associations And all of the associations that were created during those years will be fired off once more. So even though the emotions, thoughts and feelings that are being triggered by a present situation can be way out of proportion; based on the ego minds associations they are appropriate. Awareness With awareness these patterns can be brought to ones attention. And from here the right assistance can be looked for. For some people this could be severe and for others it may be a minor challenge. And this will define whether a book is sufficient or if some kind of therapist or coach is needed. This can lead to boundaries being formed, as a result of letting go off the past. Self Acceptance While some people will respond in a way that one would like, others won’t. And this is why self acceptance is important. Other people will always have their views and opinions. And these are just that – their views and opinions, they are not the truth. And so one doesn’t have to allow what is not empowering or beneficial to their wellbeing to enter their mind. Ones inner world is a sacred space and needs to be protected. If anything is allowed to enter it will affect all that is good and nourishing. If disempowering thoughts already exist within it will be a lot easier for the dysfunctional ideas of the world to enter unnoticed. As the inner becomes clearer and better kept; what is not beneficial will stand out more. Behaviour The way one person responds to another person is largely based on their behaviour. And as human beings we are not our behaviour. Our behaviour is just an expression of where we are at in each moment of our lives. This means that, ultimately, nothing is ever personal. Our behaviour can always be changed. If our behaviour is not leading to what we want, then it can always be changed. If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article, as many others have.
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Oliver JR CooperAuthor of 26 books, Transformational Writer, Teacher & Consultant. Introductory Consultation
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Disclaimer
That which is contained within these articles is based on my own empirical understanding and is true for me at the time they were written. However, as I continue to grow, what I perceive as the truth will inevitably change and as a result of this - parts of these articles may not reflect my current outlook.
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