It has been said that one ends up being similar to the five people they spend most of their time with. This is something Jim Rohn expressed and while there might be slight variations to this, it could be seen as a fairly accurate judgment.
So for some people, this is going to be something they are well aware of and this causes them to be extremely discerning in who they spend their time with and allow into their life.
And yet for others, this could be something that they are completely unaware of. Therefore, it won’t mater who they spend their time with or bring into their life.
In recent years, the media has emphasised the importance of eating the right food and getting enough exercise. This can only be described as a good thing and as a sign that people are realising how important their body is.
However, there are still going to be people who don’t heed this advice; due to not having the right information or being indifferent for example. For some people, their health is something that is often ignored until there is some kind of crises and then it becomes important.
So in the case of one not valuing their health, they might put anything into their mouths and not wonder what it is doing to their body. As long as it tastes good and fills a hole, it is good enough.
And this is what it would be like to allow anyone into one’s life. Having them there and filling an emotional and/or intellectual hole would be all that is required. What will then be overlooked is if this person is enhancing one’s life or not.
It can take a while for one’s health to decline as a result of eating food that is not healthy and the same can apply to people. At first they might appear to be making a positive difference and after while, it soon becomes clear that this is an inaccurate assessment.
This is not to say that the other person has changed and is now completely different. It could be that one has changed so much, that being with them now makes them feel trapped, stuck or limited in some way.
And as people grow and change at different rates, this is to be expected. It doesn’t make the other person ‘bad’ or ’inferior’, it just means that they are no longer in alignment. It is possible that one will notice this miss match in where they are at and it is then going to be easier to do something about it.
However, it is also going to be possible for one to be in a relationship with someone and not realise what is happening. They could feel as though this person is holding them back and stopping them from growing, but it could also be something that they can’t quiet pinpoint.
On one level someone can be described as a friend and intellectually that fits, but at another level, it might be something that doesn’t feel right. It is going to be a lot harder for change to occur in this instance.
As no one is their own island, it is impossible not to be affected by others. Just as if one eats something, it is going to have an impact on their body; this can be avoided. The impact it has could be fairly minuscule at first, especially if one has a small amount, but over time it will be noticed.
What one can do is limit the time they spend around certain people or put an end to the relationship completely. To do this, could cause one to feel instantly better or it could take a while for ‘cleanse’ themselves.
On one side is how one sees themselves and on the other is how other people see them. When another person sees them in a way that matches up with one’s own ideas, there is likely to be a connection.
Their internal representation could allow one to feel accepted, supported, validated, respected, empowered, heard and appreciated for example. This then defines how one will be treated by them.
Known And Unknown
And someone might be aware of how they see another, just as they could be unaware of it. But no matter if they are or not, how they behave around them will reveal how they see them on the inside.
Sense Of Self
So all the time this reflects how one sees themselves, one won’t feel limited or trapped. The challenge will arise when one feels that how this person sees them does not reflect how one sees themselves.
And this is why it is important for one to have a strong sense of self or least a vision of how they would like to be. The contrast will allow one to know if they are staying on track or not.
There is always going to be people who do not respond in the ways that reflect how one sees themselves. And this is part of life, what doesn’t have to be part of life is having close friends who are the same.
This is something one can change and even though the majority of people won’t, it doesn’t mean that one has to accept and internalise their responses. What matters is that one maintains their own vision of who they are.
To be around someone who embraces how we see ourselves or at least doesn’t label us, can be inspiring, fulfilling and empowering. So if one finds themselves in a position where the people in their life are not supportive, then it will be necessary to look into why this is.
This can be done with the assistance of a therapist, healer or a coach. And if one prefers to work by themselves, they can engage in some kind of self study and look into what their beliefs are in relation to what they deserve.
If human beings were inherently independent, it wouldn’t matter if someone didn't have relationships with other people; as they would be able to just carry on with their life. But as human beings and everything else on this planet is interdependent, it means that relationships play a vital part in someone’s life.
And not only do relationships play a part in one being able to survive, they can also allow one to thrive. One only needs to meet one person and their whole life could change and one could have the same affect on another.
This is not just any change though; one area of one’s life or their whole life could be elevated. From that moment onwards, their life is never the same again. Although this is the ideal, it is also possible for one to meet someone who doesn’t enhance their life.
What they do is make their life difficult and ones wellbeing is likely to erode when they are in their presence. And even when one is not around them, they could feel decentred.
Just because someone has a relationship with another person, it doesn’t mean that this is based around them having an emotional connection. This could be classed as a surface level connection; with one just sharing what they have been doing and not about how they have been feeling.
Of course, one is not necessarily going to have the need to express how they feel all of the time, but in this kind of relationship, this is something that will never take place, no matter what is going on for them.
So when relationship doesn’t go into the emotional realm, it is unlikely going to have the same meaning as if this was the case. Talking about everyday events, what other people have been doing or what one thinks they should be saying, is not going to be enough.
However, when one has a relationship with another person and they do talk about how they feel and open up, without needing to moderate what they say, it is going to be a very different connection. And this could be with ones partner, a friend or a family member.
Not only are they opening their mind to this person, they are also opening their heart. This might sound a bit over the top and even something that only women can and should do, and yet both genders’ have the need to experience emotional connections with others.
The heart is where one feels and it is harder for one to open their heart than it is for them to open their mind. There is more at stake here and one has to feel that it is safe for them to open up.
If one doesn’t feel safe in another persons presence, they are not going to open up, at least voluntarily. And the same goes for others, if they don’t feel safe in ones presence, they won’t open up either.
This won’t just be the heart to hearts that can happen every now and then, it can be something that is part of every conversation that one has with another person. So, the difference between someone sharing every part of who they are or only sharing a small part of themselves.
When one does feel safe with another, it is generally going to be something that happens without them having to consciously think about it. This is not to say that one will always end trusting the right people though; as some people might put on an act in the early stages.
But with that aside, one will just feel safe and find it relatively easy to open up. If one was to break this process down, they would notice that certain things are happening and certain things are not happening.
And one of the biggest reasons why someone would feel that it is safe is because they feel accepted. The other person is giving them the impression verbally and non-verbally that they don’t have to watch what they say; revealing who they are can then be fairly straight forward.
This is not to say that one will feel safe straight away and yet this can happen. It will usually take a while and be a gradual process; with trust building each and every time another person accepts what they have to say.
When this trust has grown to a reasonable level, one will know that they can reveal who they are. Experiencing a deep and fulfilling connection will then be a natural consequence.
If one doesn’t feel safe, it is going to be due to them coming to the conclusion, either consciously or unconsciously, that the other person doesn’t accept them. It won’t be possible for one to feel safe and they will have no other choice than to close up.
Physically one might be there, but emotionally they could have checked out or they might end up leaving altogether.
Perhaps another person has verbally demonstrated this or it could be something that is done in ways that are more subtle. So consciously one might not know why they don’t feel an emotional connection and yet it’s just not there.
If someone is critical, judgemental or dismissive, it is unlikely that other people will want to open up to them. And when someone invalidates others or tells them what they should or should not be doing, is also going to lead to the same outcome.
So if one is wondering why they don’t open up to some people, then they might now realise why this is. And if one is wondering why other people don’t open up to them, they might also know why.
There is also the chance that one doesn’t trust people enough to open up, so it won’t matter if they are around people who can be trusted or not; as the outcome will always be the same.
It might be necessary for one to seek the assistance of a therapist, healer or a coach in order to move beyond these challenges, and/or to read up on relationships in order to increase their self awareness.
When ones relationships are running smoothly and have very little, if any, conflicts, one is unlikely to look deeper into them. And this is to be expected, as the need to look deeper generally arises when something is not working. This need could still be there, but it won’t be as strong because there are no real difficulties and one is experiencing a natural flow.
To be experiencing challenges in this area of one’s life could make one look deeper and seek solutions. And yet it could also make one turn the other way so to speak. Here, they are not going face what is not working head on, what they could do is pretend that everything is fine or that it’s not their responsibility.
Another option would be for one to feel like a victim and that they are powerless to change what is taking place in their relationships; with this outlook playing a big part in one not taking accountability for the challenges that they are facing.
In this case, one would have a certain level of awareness and not see that there are other possibilities available. Their mind is therefore blocking them and needs to be changed in order for change to occur.
One way will be for one to allow themselves to embrace new information and ideas. This might involve listening to what their friends have to say or just taking some time to reflect on their relationships.
Or one could go even further and read about them, as well as taking courses or having some kind of coaching. In this day and age, there is no limit when it comes to the help available and one no longer has to struggle by themselves.
This could be something that one engages in until their challenge has been dealt with or it could go even further, and be something that becomes a lifelong passion.
Here And Now
For some people, the focus of change is on what is taking place in their current relationship/s. This is what one will want to handle and the same outlook could apply if they were to work with a coach or to read about relationships.
So what one is doing and what other people are doing is what will be looked at. There will be no mentioned of what took place in ones childhood and how this might still be affecting them to this day. This could be seen as irrelevant and something that would be nothing more than a waste of time
And for some people, this might be enough and progress will be made, without digging any deeper to see if there are any patterns that link the past to the present. However, the need to dig deeper is something that might arise from within someone or come about through another’s suggestion.
The main elements here will be awareness and this will play a big part in whether one will see how their present relationships challenges can be a reflection of what happened in their childhood.
When something is painful, the mind can cause one to block. This could be through repression, denial and even full blown amnesia. And in the case of one’s childhood, what took place all those years ago could be nothing more than a mystery.
This is going to relate to what caused pain and conflict. If this pain was acknowledged and validated, one would have no need to still carry it within them.
But as this pain stayed within them, it has meant that it is still appearing in ones dult life. And while the mind can’t remember, the body doesn’t forget and is only too happy to reveal all if one were to listen.
So due to one being cut off from their early experiences, what is happening to them in their adult relationships could be seen as having no connection to their childhood. And in some cases it won’t and yet there is also a chance that there will be a connection.
As an adult, one could find that they always end up feeling abandoned or rejected by others. They could find that other people try to control them or that they are controlling. Experiencing intimacy could be something that they desperately want to experience and yet it causes them to feel smothered, trapped and overwhelmed.
And on more occasions than they can remember, they might find that other people are too needy or clingy or that they are never fully available to have a relationship with them. One might question if they are truly lovable and deserve to be with another.
One could find that they have experienced one of the examples above or all of them and this might have happened once or a regular basis. And the first time they felt like this could have been around their mother or father or the other people who were around when they were younger.
And this can go right back to when one was a baby and that is not going to be the easiest thing to remember.
What these early experiences did was cause one to feel certain feelings and to form certain beliefs. These feelings can include: abandonment, rejection, powerlessness, hopelessness, anger, rage, shame, guilt and death.
And the beliefs that were formed would be about who one is, what they deserve and what other people are like and what the world is like for instance.
These then come together to define what ones relationships will and won’t be like. And while who one attracts and is attracted to and the kind of relationships they have with others are just a reflection of these two elements, it can appear to be the truth.
So how one felt all those years ago could have become trapped in their body and these will need to be released. This can be done with the assistance of a therapist or a healer
And the beliefs that one formed as a result of what happened will need to be changed. This can be done through one increasing their self awareness and this can happen by reading and questioning what one believes.
While someone can have an idea in their minds about the kind of person they want to be with, it doesn’t mean that this always becomes a reality. This can relate to what another person looks like on the outside and what they are like on the inside and their personality.
One could meet someone and although they don’t look exactly like what they had in mind, the rest of them makes up for it. A connection in then formed based on the existence of the other elements.
And this is to be expected, as looks are not everything and sometimes people who look good, can have a personality that lets them down for instance. Emotions also play a big part in attraction and if something feels right, it won’t matter if it goes against ones logical mind.
So the result of this could be that one ends up with someone who is very different to the type of person they planned to be with. But just because they are different in a few ways or a number of ways, it doesn’t mean that one won’t be happy.
It could be similar to what are often described as blind dates, with one ending up with someone completely different and yet having a great connection with them. If they were left to their own devices, one would never have been so close to them.
The unexpected then leads to something fulfilling and what could last a long time. This person could have certain things that one looks for and others things that they had not been looking for.
With the example above demonstrating that it is possible to be attracted to someone that one would not have expected to be attracted to, it could also go the other way.
Here, one ends up with someone who doesn’t match up with what they want and this can include their appearance, as well as their character and what they value for instance. And this could be a current challenge that one has or something that continually happens.
If one is with someone or has just left someone who they are not fully attracted to and it’s the first time it has happened, it might not be too much of a concern. Sometimes people feel desperate and lonely and reach for the first person they come across.
This is part of life and when one feels is emotionally unstable, anything can happen. And if one can’t see straight, they can’t expect to be attracted to or attract the right people. They might attract the perfect person, but there is also a greater chance of them not attracting the right person.
However, if this is something that has happened on numerous occasions, it is going to cause confusion and pain. One is sabotaging themselves and not going for the type of person they really want.
If they were to imagine what it would be like to be with someone who they are attracted to, it is going to feel good. When it comes to physically being around someone like this, one could feel the complete opposite.
This is if one allows themselves to get this close to them; they might just keep their distance and only pass them by on the street. One might find it hard to understand the reason why they feel so uncomfortable around the type of people they want to be with.
Or one might find that they have friends who are exactly like the kind of person they want to be with, but can’t allow themselves to get any closer and staying as friends is the only thing that feels comfortable.
Everyone has needs and wants and although these can be repressed and denied, they won’t completely disappear. So if one doesn’t feel comfortable with the kind of person they truly want to be with, then they are likely to end up with someone who does completely do it for them or remain single.
This is not going to be enough and one might end up feeling far worse as the relationship progresses, but it will take care of certain needs and wants in the beginning. As time goes by, frustration, anger and a sense of compromise is likely to arise.
Now, the challenge with this, is that on one side one will have the desire to be with someone they truly want to be with and on the other side, is the fact the these people will bring up ones issues.
Going with someone they are not are not fully attracted to might only bring up a few, in the beginning that is. But then there will be the pain that one feels as a result of compromising themselves.
To just speak to someone, let alone be with someone, who is a match, could press ones buttons. It is then not what they are like that is causing the problems; it is what they are triggering within someone.
And this is going to be ones ‘insecurities’ and what they need to heal or change within themselves. So, this could relate to things that have happened in ones adult life and what took place during their childhood.
One could have beliefs that work against them and sabotage their success in relationships. As well as emotional pain that has stayed trapped in their body and therefore weighs them down.
The reason then, that one is not attracting the kind of person they truly want, is because of what needs to be dealt with within them. This causes one to feel uncomfortable around them and stops them from moving forward in life.
To work through this, one might need the assistance of a therapist, healer or a coach, and to engage in some kind of study, in order to increase their self awareness.
Each and every one of us is interdependent and this means that not only do we want to be supported by others, but that we also need to be; with it being it being vital for our own survival and our ability to thrive. The ideal is going to be for one to feel supported for who they are.
There is then no need for them to lead a life of complete compromise and bending over backwards just to feel that they can exist, let alone thrive.
When one does feel supported for being who they are, there is not going to be the need for them to wear a mask and to play an act. They are going to experience inner wellbeing and their general outlook about themselves and life is going to be empowering.
And this will be a lot easier than having to play a certain role in order to receive; one can relax into who they are and not feel pressured to do or be anything. It won’t be necessary for one to practically leave their body in order to do the ‘right thing'. They can be in their body and do what is right.
From this is going to enable one to experience a sense of value and importance. This won’t be an exaggerated version though; it will be a balanced and healthy outlook. Just like a tree that is getting the support it needs to not only survive, but to grow even bigger.
The tree doesn’t need to pretend it is a flower in order to receive the right support, it can be a tree and that is all it has to do. Nothing more is expected of the tree and it can continue to follow its own nature.
Although some people feel this way and have this outlook, it is not something that everyone can relate to. And instead of one believing that they can be who they really are and be supported for doing so, they will feel that this is not possible.
So instead of one embracing their true self and each action that they take being an expression of it, they are like a tree that is trying to be a flower. They are might look good on the outside and cause other people to like them and even admire them, but it doesn’t reflect their true nature.
And one could have come to the understanding that they only feel supported when they are doing what others want or this could be something that takes place just out of their awareness. But whether they are completely aware of it or not, it is going to create a lot of suffering.
To see other people who are doing what they want and are being supported for it, is bound to press ones buttons. One could believe that other people have something they don’t and this could cause one to feel: angry, frustrated, jealous, envious, powerless and hopeless.
Areas Of Life
There is going to be different degrees to this and some people are going face this challenge in all areas of their life. For others, it could be something that just impacts a certain area. This could involve someone having a career that doesn’t match up with their true values and yet, it is the only way that they are able to support themselves financially.
Ones relationships may be another area where one acts in ways that are out of alignment with their true self. So they end up getting some of their needs met, but this comes at a great price to their own wellbeing.
When one doesn’t feel this support, it is likely to mean that they feel dependent on others. Self reliance is then going to be a challenge and one could end up in relationships where they feel controlled and unable to exercise their own free will.
On one side it causes them to feel trapped and powerless and yet on the other side, it will seem to be the only way that they can survive. So this is never going to be something that one can completely accept.
What one has not realised within themselves is going to be what they admire in others, just as what one has rejected within themselves is what they are likely to judge in others. So, when one comes across people who are being supported for who they are, one could end up putting them on a pedestal.
They could be seen as being more than human and superior in some way. This is a natural occurrence and what causes problems is when one stays stuck in this outlook. If the other person is seen in this way, then one is going to feel that they are missing something.
A Deeper Look
But while one person might appear to have something that one doesn’t have, this is just an illusion. They are different, but this difference is not inherent, it relates to how they see life. And how they see life is a reflection of their beliefs, thoughts and feelings.
Now, one could believe that they can’t be supported for who they are as a result of what has happened in their adult life, but it is what happened in their childhood years that is likely to have had the biggest impact.
It is here that one is going to learn if their needs and wants are important or not. And one thing that can stop this from taking place is when a role reversal occurs. Here, a child becomes the adult and the adult becomes the child. The needs of the caregiver/s take precedence and the child needs end up becoming ignored and denied.
So one is then brought up to believe that they can only survive by pleasing others and their need and wants are not important. One could feel guilty and ashamed for having them. This is also going to create a lot of emotional pain and cause one to be emotionally stuck.
All the time one has these beliefs and feelings, their reality will stay the same. These beliefs will need to be changed and the feelings from these early emotional experiences that stayed trapped in their body will need to be released.
This can be done with the assistance of a therapist, healer or some kind of coach. Reading up in this area will also cause one to question their beliefs and to increase their self awareness.
Although pain is part is life and can’t be avoided, the western world and the countries influenced by it, are largely focused on eradicating pain. Pain is then something that has no purpose or reason for existing and therefore has to be removed.
There are all types of pain that one can experience, from physical, mental and emotional. The type of pain that is often avoided the most is emotional and emotions are rarely embraced in today’s world.
But although people can run away from them and engage in all kinds of escapes to avoid how they feel, they won’t just disappear. One will be able to numb their emotional pain for a short time and even become completely cut off from it; if this behaviour were to become a habit.
When one feels deep pain and needs to do something about it, one of society’s many options is likely to be utilized. This could be alcohol, drugs, food, sex and even work, amongst other things.
This will lead to a short term relief and if one is in a dark place, this is going to be greatly appreciated. However, while it will alter how one feels, it is unlikely to lead to a deeper understanding if this were to continue.
One is not facing and looking into the reasons for why they feel as they do, they are doing all they can to go in the opposite direction. And if they do know what the reason is, they are still not facing their pain directly.
When something is not working in life, one will need to take a closer look. If a car is not working, a mechanic will look under the bonnet for example. Through doing this, they will soon be able to gain and understanding of exactly what the problem is.
If one was to ignore the problem and not ask a mechanic or something similar to assist them, they are unlikely to ever know what is wrong with their car. Their understanding of the problem won’t change and over time, the car could get even worse.
In the case of a human being, running out from their pain won’t enable them to understand what is going on. And this is going to mean that their understanding of themselves is also not going to increase.
On The Surface
It will then be normal to live on the surface of oneself; for if one is not looking within for the answers, they are likely to look without. As human beings are inherently emotional beings, to disconnect from how one feels is going to cause one to disconnect from a big part of who they are.
The outside will then be a place where one looks for meaning and to feel fulfilled. And in some cases this meaning will be based solely on jumping through the hoops that society lays out. This could be looking right, having the right things or behaving in the right way.
But if one is cut off from their inner core and what is going on within them, then getting caught up in the world’s dramas is going to be expected. They allow one to avoid who they are and what is true for them.
And while there is suffering involved in this, it allows one to keep a distance from their inner unrest and unease. At times it can seem as though it is just a matter of pain and the best thing one can do is to cover it up, but this is not completely accurate.
In some cases, one can feel as though the pain that they carry within them is never ending and that the best they can do is to put up with it or to avoid it. This could be pain that has formed through a loss in their life for instance.
The loss of a person, of not getting their wants and needs met in childhood or the ending of a relationship.
Here, one might be experiencing a deep sense of grief and of being powerless. And to experience something so intense, it is not going to be much of a surprise for someone to come to the conclusion that this will never end.
When this pain is faced and one might need additional support to do this, its intensity will gradually begin to diminish. Through doing this, one is entering their own being and this is happening through the destruction of their own pain.
Out of this destruction will be what is constructive and this will be one’s own unique voice. When this pain is not faced directly, one can end up being stuck in a place of destruction. This could be the destruction of their own body and mind or inflicting harm on their environment or the people in it.
More Than Pain
Pain is then something that has the power to elevate one’s life and not as something that is simply there to cause harm. The perspective that one has towards their pain is also going to play a part in how it affects them.
So it can be an ally in ones growth as a human being or it can be a burden and something that one must avoid at all costs. It comes down to the outlook that one has and whether they are willing to question what they have been told and what they believe.
There is going to be pain that one experiences through daily events and then there is going to be the pain that they carry from the past. The past is also going to influence ones present life and could cause them to overreact to things.
In one does have a build up from the past, they might need to seek the assistance of a therapist or a healer. Here, one will be able to release the emotional pain that is trapped in their body.
While the ideal might be to have relationships that are always harmonious and are free from pain, during and even when they come to an end, this is not how life works. All relationships have some kind of conflict and if they don’t, there is probably a lot of repression taking place.
And what will cause some of the conflict, will be each person’s history that arises and this will naturally vary. Some people will have a lot of emotional baggage and others won’t have quiet so much.
Human beings are not meant to be perfect and so having ‘issues’ is nothing to be ashamed off. With it often being more about what one does with what has happened to them, as opposed to what has happened.
However, although everyone does experience pain in their relationships, not everyone is going to have the same degree of pain. Of course, it is not really possible to directly match one persons experience with another.
The main way to see the difference is how people behave not only in their relationships but also when they experience an end to them.
One way of looking at this pain is to think of it is terms of emotional intensity. If someone is emotional cut off and numb or out of touch with their emotions for one reason or another, then they are unlikely to feel anything.
So with this aside, there is going to be a certain degree of emotional expression taking place for someone who can feel. When one is with another person, it is inevitable that certain emotions will arise. These could be: rejection, abandonment, betrayal, jealousy, anger, powerlessness, guilt and shame amongst others.
This emotional experience could also appear when ones relationships come to an end; with it being even stronger than when they were with the other person.
On one side will be the people who can feel some or even all of the emotions above and more from time to time and be able to maintain a fairly stable relationship. There will be conflict and it won’t always be perfect, but there is unlikely to be drama.
And when their relationships end, there is again going to be emotions that are felt. How long the relationships lasted can define how strong one will feel them and yet it could be a shorter one that made an impact.
Soon after, they will return to feeling emotionally stable or might even leave before things got too bad. This allows them to avoid a lot of the emotional damage that would have been done if they had held on for longer.
The Other Side
For others, relationships will be highly charged experiences. They could end up feeling every emotion on the spectrum. And while this may mean that they feel good from time to time, it is also going to mean that when they feel the ‘negative’ emotions, they will end up being right down.
This could cause them to come to the conclusion that relationships are not worth the effort and the best thing one could do it to avoid them. The same outlook could also appear when one experiences the end of a relationship.
It is not something that just causes one to feel a minor sense of loss and sadness and for a short time; it could last for many, many months and make them wonder if life is worth living. And if one was with someone for a long time or is their partner passes on, then this outlook is going to be expected.
When one experiences this as a way of life and/or even when a relationship has not even lasted that long, it is going to cause a lot of suffering in one’s life. To have them could be too painful and to avoid them could be no better.
Now, though seeing the differences in how some people experience more pain during their relationships and when they come to an end than others, it would be normal to come to certain conclusions. One common reason would be to say that some people are luckier than others and are very fortunate in life.
Or that some people choose the right people and others chose the wrong people. And to look at this from a certain perspective would mean that these are valid answers. But while they might sound like they fit, they won’t lead to change or allow someone to feel empowered.
One of the reasons why someone can experience the emotional pain that they do in their relationships is because they have trapped emotions in their body. Although these emotions are trapped and one’s mind can be cut off from them, they are still having an effect.
They will define who one is attracted to and attracts and they will then cause one to co create situations that will allow them to appear. The challenge is that while they do want to come out and be released, they can just end up making someone feel overwhelmed and victimised.
And instead of them seeing that they are a part of what is happening; one can end up believing that other people are making them feel as they do. If one is not aware of what is going on inside, they will not see how what is going on outside is a reflection of how they feel on the inside.
This is why one can end up having relationships with different people and yet have the same emotional experience again and again. These emotions will cause one to create relational patterns that mirror how they feel.
One may have trapped emotions due to what has happened in their adult years and these can also go back to their childhood. The mind can be cut off from them, but the body doesn’t forget.
So in order for one to change how they feel in their relationships and even when they end, they will need to release the trapped emotions from their body. This can be done with the assistance of a therapist or a healer.
While a relationship between a man and woman is meant to be based on giving and receiving, this is not always the case. For some women, this will be exactly how it is for them and this is going to enhance their life.
And yet for others, this will be far from what they can relate to. When they look at their own relationship or relationship history, they will see that it is or was more like an adult relating to a child.
It has then never been about balance and making sure that each person is being fulfilled, what it is about, is the woman going without getting her needs met and the man getting his needs met.
This could be something that a woman has come to see and through having to put up with it for so long, wants to do something about it. Here, her awareness has increased and she knows that she doesn’t have to put up with it any more.
But it could also be something that a woman feels she has to put up with. She might have moments of saying enough’s enough or she may not, but life goes on and compromise continues to consume her life.
So although a woman is not going to be completely comfortable with always putting the men in her life first, she could be oblivious to her own needs and wants. And all because this has become her identity and how she defines herself.
But even though this might give her moments of feeling good and be something that she has accepted as being who she is, it is nothing more than a mask she wears to handle life. This is a false self and doesn’t reflect who she really is.
What can make this hard to realise is when one has worn this mask for more or less their whole life and when other people validate them for wearing it. Their whole survival can appear to be based on them wearing it. This mask is also going to give her the appearance of having it all together, but she is likely feel like a needy child on the inside.
So even though it is an incredible burden to wear it, it could to feel like less of a burden than it would be for them to reveal their own needs. Ultimately, rescuing men and other people, is then what feels safe.
And for one to take this mask off, they will need to feel that it is safe and that their own needs matter. If this part of them doesn’t grow and begin to overshadow the need to put others first, they are likely to leave the mask on.
At The Start
When a woman meets a man she is probably going to see a different side to him and this will be enough to get her to commit to the relationship. At this stage, he could come across as a giver and someone who is going to be there for her. This might fill her with hope and that she has finally met someone who will be there for her. But before long, the same dynamic appears and they end up with another man that needs to be mothered.
Another approach would be for a woman to be drawn to men who are visibly ‘down and out’ in some way. They might give off the impression that they are changing, but that’s as far as it goes.
So there is likely to be changes as the relationship progresses, but just because the woman experiences these things it doesn’t mean that they will leave. They could complain about how needy a man is and yet find it hard to move on.
Or they could leave the man and find that they end up with what could be described as - withdrawal symptoms. The urge to rescue another man could consume them and end up propelling them to find another one.
If a woman has a history of attracting men who are like this, it is naturally going to cause a lot of pain. They might wonder if they are ever going to find someone who will take care of their needs for once.
And at the same time, they could feel guilty for not being there for others and feel ashamed for having their own needs. So there is going to be a lot of inner conflict. Taking care of others people’s needs is often a way for one to gets their own needs met; this doesn’t always work though.
All human beings have needs and this is not something to be ashamed off. We are interdependent and rely on others for our own survival. To deny ones needs is going to lead to pain and even death, in the most extreme cases.
So as needs are part of being human, why would someone feel so uncomfortable with them? The answers to this question often lie in ones childhood years.
How ones caregiver’s responded to ones needs during these years will often define how one feels about their needs as an adult. And while this can relate to how a woman was treated by her father, it can also include their mother.
This could have been something that happened on numerous occasions or something that happened once. And one would have then come to the conclusion that their needs were bad or wrong and that they didn’t deserve to have them met.
And as well as one’s mind forming beliefs around what happened, their body would have released certain feelings that would have end up being trapped in her body. These could be: fear, shame, guilt, rejection, abandonment, grief, powerlessness and hopelessness.
Once this connection has been made, one will see that how they think, feel and behave, reflects these early experiences. And the kind of people that they attract and are attracted to will also mirror their past. Even though their past wasn’t functional, it is was it familiar and familiar is what is safe to the ego mind.
So in order for a woman to feel comfortable with her needs, she will need to change her beliefs and release the trapped emotions from her body. This can be done with the assistance of a therapist, healer or a close friend. And reading up on this area will also help with self awareness and seeing things differently.
When people talk about something they have been struggling with as of late or for most of their life, procrastination is often mentioned. This could be something that is having an impact on every area of someone’s life in extreme cases or it could be something that just appears in certain areas.
One might then come to the conclusion that they have a big problem and that something needs to be done. Or they could just overlook it and come up with all kinds of reasons as to why they are this way.
And while someone is going to have one outlook or another in regards to this, they are also going to be influenced by what they hear and read about. This could be what others say in their social circle, as well as the media, the internet and through the books that they read.
Through being exposed to these external sources, one could feel even more pressure to remove all procrastination from their life. And when it does appear, there is going to be the potential for all kinds of associations to be triggered, these could include guilt and shame.
They are then beating themselves up and it is not necessary to have anyone else there to do. With them feeling as though they are: weak, incapable and even a failure, amongst others things. This could then become a cycle and one ends up feeling even worse.
It doesn’t take a genius to realise that if one continually puts things of in their life they are going to suffer in one way or another. And this is something that is going to apply to their career, relationships or health, or all of these things.
To ignore something in the beginning might not cause too many problems, but if this were to continue and be a pattern in one’s life, it is likely to be a different story. In this case, one will need to deal with their tendency to put things off and find a way to take action.
So one could then look for some kind of solution and this could be because an area of their life has got out of hand or it could be on the verge of being that way. They could look for motivation and inspiration, anything to get things moving.
And focusing on the pain of what might happen, if they were to carry on as they are, might be enough. Having someone else in their life to give them a push every now and then, might also work.
A Closer Look
These solutions might work or they might not, but what they won’t do is look into why someone is procrastinating in the first place. And what is clear here is that one is experiencing conflict within. Part of them feels they should be doing one thing and another part of them feels they should be doing something else.
But if someone has been conditioned to believe that procrastination is always bad for example, they could completely ignore this conflict. They might have no awareness as to why they keep sabotaging themselves and putting certain areas of their life on hold.
Black And White
To say that procrastination is always bad would be a massive oversight and wouldn’t take into account the benefits of it. Of course, there will be times when it is going to affect one’s life in ways that are negative. And in cases like this, one will need to look at why they are stopping themselves and do what is necessary.
However, if one does take a closer look at their conflict, they might find that they have a good reason for not doing something. So beyond what their mind has been conditioned to believe about procrastination and how they are lazy, weak or lack drive for instance, could be something quiet unexpected.
Once they have broken away completely or even momentarily from what their mind has been telling them, they might be able to see if there is another reason for how they have been behaving.
And these reasons could range from things that they might have always known, to reasons that will shake them to their core. And this process might not happen instantly; especially if one has been cut off from themselves for a while or for most of their life.
Through looking at the reasons for their conflict, one might find that they have been putting something of because it is not what they want to do; it is what they feel they should be doing. It could also be about timing and that now is not the right time for one to do it.
One might not know why it is not the right time to do something, but something is telling them to wait. Other people might understand this and show their encouragement, or they could invalidate them and make one question what they are doing.
It will be important for one to be honest with themselves and to question whether they are doing the right thing or not, and not to solely place their attention on what other people say. There might be the need for one to have some kind of assistance; it will all depend on how much of a challenge this is for them.
One thing is certain; blaming oneself for not doing something is not going to going to help. What will be important is for one to focus on why something is important and to let that move them forward.
There are some emotions that are seen as ‘bad’ or ‘negative’ and while this might be the case if they are shown in certain situations, this is not going to apply in others. Every emotion has purpose and a reason for appearing; this not to say that one should act upon every emotion that arises though.
There will be times when how one feels has nothing to do with what is taking place. During these moments, it will be necessary to hold the emotional experience. And therefore not to express how they feel and not to repress how they feel either.
Through doing this, one will be able to keep in touch with their emotions and not have the need to stop themselves from feeling anything in the majority of cases. Ones full emotional spectrum will be embraced and this means they can be a whole human being, instead of a fractured one.
And one emotion that is going to be all too familiar for people who were abused as children is going to be anger. But while they will have felt it at certain points growing up, it doesn’t mean that they have stayed in contact with it.
This could be an emotion that they were not allowed to show as a child and although time has passed, they have continued to cover up their anger as an adult. Or one could be someone that is constantly angry and unable to feel any different.
So whether one is cut off from their anger or consumed by it, will typically be the result of what felt safe during these early years. To express anger at this time might have lead to more abuse and to cover it up minimized how much one had to suffer.
Or one could have been protected by their anger and able to avoid more abuse by being angry. This could have been how things always were or perhaps one switched between the two, depending on what was going on in their environment.
But as one was violated in one way or another, anger, as well as rage, is to be expected. These emotions are there to inform someone that their personal space is being infringed upon and something is not right and that some kind of action needs to be taken.
The trouble is that at such a young age, one is limited in what they can do. They are completely depended and vulnerable, as well as not having the physical strength to stand up for themselves.
And if one doesn’t feel safe, then this anger is going to be pushed out of ones awareness. Instead, one might have ended up feeling fear and anxiety; with this being a pattern that has stayed with them as an adult.
So then, one can either end up becoming someone who is never too far away from being angry. This might stop them from being abused as an adult and yet it could also cause them to abuse others.
The smallest thing could remind them of what happened all those years ago and they then become the perpetrators. The cycle of abuse continues and one is nothing more than a slave to their emotions.
They are in touch with their anger and that is a good thing. What is not good is that fact that they are possessed by it. Anger is then not something that aids them; it is something that has the potential to destroy them and others.
Alternatively, one could be someone who has lost all contact with their anger and this means that they are nothing more than a door mat. With them being walked over and abused by others on a regular basis.
They might pride themselves on never getting angry and this could be part of their identity. But while going to the other extreme is destructive, being completely cut off from ones anger is no better. It might mean that other people are not harmed and yet what one is doing is harming themselves.
Many years ago this would have been what kept one safe and therefore alive. And yet as an adult, this is just causing one to be stuck and unable to move forward. These early experiences would have made someone tolerant to abuse and comfortable with being treated badly.
Deep down, one might even believe that they deserved to be treated in the ways that they were. With shame, guilt and fear being the emotions that stop them from being angry about what happened.
However, in order for change to take place, one needs to get out of their passive state and to get uncomfortable with what happened and what might still be happening to them. The reality is that one did not deserve to be abused and they have every right to be angry.
Anger is way for one to feel powerful and this doesn’t mean they get stuck there and are constantly angry. It means that they use anger to move forward and to put an end to their suffering.
Through being angry, one will be able to go to the next stage. And this will be what they need to process under the anger and the rage that they are experiencing. This can include feelings such as: betrayal, abandonment, rejection, powerlessness, hopelessness, fear, grief and death.
One can then seek the assistance of a therapist or a healer and/or read up about abuse. Controlled anger won’t solve everything, but it will get the ball moving.
Oliver JR Cooper
Teacher, Author, Transformational Writer & Consultant - With Over 2,000,000 Article Views Online.
That which is contained within these articles is based on my own empirical understanding and is true for me at the time they were written. However, as I continue to grow, what I perceive as the truth will inevitably change and as a result of this - parts of these articles may not reflect my current outlook.
A Dialogue With The Heart - Part One
A Dialogue With The Heart - Part Two
A Dialogue With The Spirit
Why Does He Behave That Way? Why Do I Behave This Way?