If one is into fashion, they will know that the current trend will soon change and end up being replaced by another trend. And while this could be a new trend, it could also be one that was around in the past. So upon reflection, one could say that fashion is like the weather as it is constantly changing. Yet even though it does change, there are only so many variations available. There is then a wide range of possibilities, but certain guidelines will need to be followed. Stimulation However, if there were no trends and everything stayed the same, the mind would soon start to play up. New trends then provide the stimulation that the mind needs to keep boredom at bay. It is also a form of creativity, as it gives one to chance to wear clothes that reflect how they see themselves. One’s inner world can also change like the weather, and this can cause them to wear different things. The Cycle Fashion and the weather are two examples of how life goes in a cycle and there are many others. And while these changes can take place in a relatively short period of time, they can also take a long longer to appear. When it comes to what one can do to develop themselves, there are things that come and go. At one point in time, it might be all about one doing a certain thing and at another, it can be about something else. In The Background Yet, just because something comes and goes in one culture, it doesn’t mean that this is the case for every culture on the planet. It is then similar how one some people always wear the same type of clothes or how some countries have seasons and others have the same weather all year round. In the west for example, meditation has become increasingly popular as time has passed and it has gone from something that was in the background, to the something that is now in the foreground. While it is relatively new in the west, it is something that has been used in the east for thousands of years. Meditation For some people, meditation is a way for them to settle their mind down and for others; it is a way for them to connect with themselves or their ‘high self’. And as one’s mind settles down, it will be easier for them to live in the moment, as opposed to getting caught up in the past or the future. Meditation is an important part of the current trend in self-development; which is all about being present. It is said that one’s point of power is in the present moment and this is where their attention should be. The Right Outlook Now, if one was to think about their past or to think about their future for a short time, they would soon realise that they lose touch with the present moment. And while there will be times when this will be the right thing for them to do, it is going to have a negative effect on their life if this is a common occurrence. This is because it is what one does in each moment that will define their life. What happened in the past can influence what they will do in each moment, but one has a choice as to how it does affect them. Just as what happens in the future will also depend on what they do now. One Approach So if one finds it difficult to live in the moment, it will be important for them to do what they can to change this. When one meditates or just detaches from what is taking place, they are likely to be focused on their thoughts. One’s point of focus is their mind and what is taking place in their body could end up being overlooked. Perhaps one has no awareness of their body or they might believe that it is all in their mind. Two Way Traffic However, even though one's mind is often seen as the problem, it might be due to what is taking place in their body that is stopping them from being present. This is because what is going in one’s mind can be a reflection of what is going on in their body. It can then be important for one to get in touch with their feelings and to put their thoughts to one side. As this takes place, one can start to gain a better understanding of why it is a challenge for them to be present. The Past When one‘s mind is caught up in the past, it can be a way for them to avoid how they feel in their body. Thinking about the past or the future is then taking them away from the present moment and it is also stopping them from having to experience the pain that is within them. In this case, thinking is then a defence mechanism that they are using to regulate how they feel. On one side, they are protecting themselves from the pain that is within them and on the other; they are losing their point of power. Grief If one didn’t have this pain in their body, they would be able to be in their body and this would allow them to be present. One form of pain that one can end up trying to avoid is what occurs when they experience some kind of loss in their life. This could relate to the loss of a loved one, a job, a relationship, a pet or it could go back to a childhood loss. After one experiences a loss, it will be important for them to grieve in order to move on. As to how long this will take can vary from person to person and it is rarely a linear process. Stuck However, while this is the ideal, it doesn’t always take place and one can end up getting stuck. One can then disconnect from their grief as a way to avoid the pain and although this will cause them to lose touch with how they feel, it won’t enable them to embrace the present moment. Instead, their mind can end up getting caught up in the past and create all kinds of thoughts. One could end up thinking about how they can change what happened or what they could have done to avoid what took place. Awareness If one has experienced loss and hasn’t been able to grieve, it will be normal for them to leave their body and to get stuck in their mind. In order for one to grieve what they have lost, it might be necessary for them to work with a therapist, healer and/or a support group. If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article, as many others have. Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk/
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One of the reasons why people have dogs is because they are loyal companions. And while this is one of their strengths, it can also cause them to be taken advantage of. Yet, even though this can set them up to be treated badly, it doesn’t mean they will simply run away. Instead, a dog is likely to stay with their owner and to continue to put up with what is happening to them. A Different Experience If one was to look at how dogs experience life, they could say that human beings are different. This can be due to the fact that a human being usually has more options than a dog. Based on these options, if they are being treated badly, they can leave another person. They can be loyal if the other person deserves their loyally and they can walk away if they don’t. The Same Position However, just because a human being can walk away from someone who doesn’t deserve their loyalty, it doesn’t mean they will. There is then what they need to do to look after themselves and there is what they are doing. Looking after themselves is in their best interests and when they ignore their own needs and just go with the flow, so to speak, they are going to suffer in one way or another. In their mind, they might believe they are doing the right thing and that being loyal is the most important thing. Loyalty Being loyal is then going to be seen as a good thing and being disloyal is going to be seen as a bad thing. One could see themselves as someone who is loyal and this is then a big part of who they are. And as one sees themselves in this way, they could turn a blind eye to the people and the situations in their life that don’t deserve their loyalty. Their primary focus is going to be on being loyal and not on whether this is the right thing for them to do. Two Sides There are going to be times when it will be important for one to be loyal and there will be times when it won’t be. If one has a friend who is not only happy to receive, but is also happy to give, then this can be a sign that they deserve their loyalty. Just as if one is being loyal without comprising themselves, then this could be the right approach to take. It will be important for them to look at how they feel through being loyal and how the other person is responding. Taken For a Ride Being loyal, without taking into account how one feels and how the other person is responding, is only going to cause problems. When this happens, there is going to be conflict between what is taking place in their mind and what is happening in their body. Their mind can cause them to ignore what is taking place in their body and to overlook what is happening externally. One is then out of touch with reality and is only seeing what they want to see. Conditioning What this can show is that one has been conditioned to be loyal and this conditioning is then stopping them from being able to listen to themselves. Ideally, one will be able to decide whether they should be loyal or not; as opposed to always being loyal. Just because one was loyal at one point in time, it doesn’t mean they should be at another point in time. This could be because one has changed and it could also be due to the fact that the other person has changed. Shoes While one can enjoy wearing a certain pair of shoes, there is going to come a time when they can no longer wear them. This is because shoes have a lifespan and don’t last forever. Now, when one’s feet start to ache or when the shoes are not longer wearable, one will know it is time to get rid of them. And although they might feel emotionally attached to them, it doesn’t mean they will still wear them. Holding On Letting them go would be the right thing for them to do and it wouldn’t mean they were being disloyal. But when it comes to people they have been loyal to, they can feel the need to hold on. In this case, one’s outlook is being defined by what happened in the past and not what is happening today. And if they are loyal because they have been conditioned to be, it will be important for them to question their conditioning and to decide for if this is the right approach to have. Avoidance Being loyal could be a way for one to please others and while this allows them to be accepted, it also means they are ignoring their own needs. This can then mean that one ends up abandoning themselves as way to avoid being abandoned by others. But if one abandons themselves in order to be accepted by others, it could be a sign that they were neglected during their childhood. This would have stopped one from being able to develop a strong sense of self. To lose another person’s approval can then cause them to feel as they did during their early years. Awareness To be left at this age would have felt like death and if one still carry’s this pain within them, it is going to be normal for them do to everything they can to please others. Being loyal is then a way for one to stop the emotional pain of being abandoned from coming to the surface once more. If one can relate to this, it will be important for them to work with a therapist or healer. Here, they will be able to grieve their unmet childhood needs and this will enable them to let of the emotional pain that is within them. If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article, as many others have. Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk/ There are some people who not only feel comfortable in a relationship; they also feel comfortable when they are not in one. This means that their boundaries are strong enough for them to open up and to experience intimacy without losing who they are. And when they are not in a relationship, their sense of self is going to be strong enough for them to enjoy their own company. However, if one doesn’t have a strong sense of self, it is going to be a challenge for them to have a healthy relationship with another person or to enjoy their own company. What Can Happen This can then set up one to go from one extreme to the other or they could end up being stuck on one side of the spectrum. On one side, it could mean that one is almost always in a relationship and on the other, it could mean that they end up doing everything they can to avoid them. Yet, it can all depend on how they feel as to whether they choose one option or another. If, for example, one struggles with the feeling of being abandoned, it could cause them to do everything they can do be with someone. But if they struggle with feeling smothered, it could mean that they avoid being with others. Emotional Experiences One could reflect on how they feel and wonder why they feel as they do. Others could also wonder one feels as they do and therefore, behave as they do. And although one’s emotional experience is having a negative effect on their life, it doesn’t mean that they will be able to just ‘let go’ and to change how they feel. There could be times when one feels smothered and times when they feel abandoned, and this is why it is not black and white. The reason one feels this way could be put down to their beliefs and the thoughts in their head, but this isn’t going to be the complete truth. Behaviour When one does feel this way, it is going to affect their ability to experience intimacy. This is because one is either going to want to enmesh with another or do everything they can to stop another getting too close them. The first person could be seen as someone who embraces intimacy; especially if they are always in a relationship. And the other person could be seen as someone who fears intimacy. Illusion But the need to become one with another person is not intimacy – it is simply a way for them to avoid feeling abandoned. Here, one has regressed to a symbiotic state has merged with the other. One is then boundary-less and this has then means that they are dependent on the other. Another way of looking at it would be to picture one person as the mother and the other person as their young child. If appearances were put to one side, this is what one would see. It is then not an adult to adult relationship; it is a parent-child relationship. In A Relationship When they are in a relationship, it will be possible for them to regulate how they feel. Through being with someone else, one might believe that they have found what they have been looking for their whole life. And all the time they are in another’s company, they might feel whole and as if their life is perfect. But if one was away from the other person, they could soon feel as though something is missing. Emptiness How they feel during these moments is likely to remind them of how they feel when they are not in a relationship. When one is in a relationship and is not in the others company, they can end up believing that their emptiness is being caused by the others absence, whereas, when one is not in a relationship, they are not going to have anyone to project their feelings onto and they could end up wondering why they feel as they do or they might have disconnected from how they feel. It is then going to be important for them to do everything they can to be around the other person. In the beginning, the other person might appreciate the attention, but as time passes, they might soon feel smothered. When one has a fear of being abandoned, they are generally going to attract people who fear being smothered. Projection Being with another then takes away the feeling of emptiness, and this is something that one can feel in their chest. And these feelings can end up causing one to experience physical pain. However, just because one’s feeling of emptiness is taken away in the others company, it doesn’t mean that one is missing something. What it is likely to mean is that one is projecting their unmet childhood needs onto the other person. Unmet Childhood Needs When one feels empty, it can be a sign that they were neglected during their childhood. And because of what happened, one will have ended up being emotionally undeveloped. One then doesn’t need the other person to feel whole, what it comes down to is that one is projecting their unmet childhood needs onto them. One then sees the other person as their caregiver and expects them to give them what they didn’t get whilst they were growing up. The Catalyst As a result of one’s childhood neglect, they can end up carrying a lot of pain and this can then stop them from being able to realise what is actually taking place. The other person is then not only seen as the cause of their pain, they are also seen as the ones who will take it away. Ultimately, the other person is triggering one’s unmet childhood needs and the pain that they experienced through not having these met, and these will need to be grieved. If one was neglected during their childhood and not given the attunement that they need, it is going to be normal for them to feel empty and as though something is missing as an adult. Awareness However, in order for one to feel whole, it will be important for them to grieve their unmet childhood needs and to be affirmed. This is something that can take place with the assistance of a therapist or a healer. They will hold the space and allow one to get in touch with their unmet childhood needs and to grieve them. Through their presence and the positive regard that they offer, one will gradually begin to develop a sense of self. If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article, as many others have. Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk/ How someone treats others might reflect how they treat themselves, but then again, it might not. What this means is that there can be a big difference between how one treats others and how they treat themselves. If one was to come across someone who is kind to others, they could come to the conclusion that they are kind to themselves. And while this could be true, it might be the complete opposite of what is going on within them. Conditioning There is the chance that one has been conditioned to treat others well and this is the only thing they know. It is then what is normal for them and is not an extension of what is taking place within them. This kind of conditioning was generally more common in the past, and so even if one didn’t ’like themselves’, it wouldn’t have affected how they treated others. If appearances alone were taken into account, one could come to the conclusion that people don’t like themselves as much as they did in the past, yet it could just come down to the fact that manners have gradually eroded. A True Expression When one is kind to themselves, being kind to others will be something that takes place naturally. It is then not so much that they have been conditioned to treat others well, it is just what feels right. This doesn’t mean that one will always be polite; what it means is that this is how they will generally behave. There is no need for one to put on an act; all they have to do is to be themselves. Inner Support So there is going to be how one has a positive influence on others lives, and there is also going to be how one has a positive influence on their own life. When one is kind to themselves, it is going to mean that their inner-voice is positive. And as this is something that is always there, it is going to make a big difference when it comes to how they experience life. It will allow them to be their own best friend as opposed to their own worst enemy. Two Parts When it comes to one’s inner voice, there is often said to be two parts. The first part is often described as a masculine influence and this will be there to encourage them to work hard, to be disciplined and to take action, among other things. This will then be supported by the other part and this is often described as a feminine influence. Through this influence, one will be able to speak to themselves in the same way that a loving mother would talk to her child during moments of stress. The ideal These two influences will play a part in one being able to live a fulfilling life, but if one has one without the other, it could cause them to be out of balance. Let’s say that one has a strong masculine influence within them and this pushes them forward, but there feminine influence is not as strong. This could mean that they are able to achieve things and to be successful, but that they end up being overly critical towards themselves. There is no loving influence within them and this could make their life a misery. A Normal Experience So while some people will have both influences within them to push them forward and to build them up when they fall, there will be others who don’t. And this is going to make their life harder than it needs to be. One might be overly critical and put themselves down without even realising how destructive it is. This is then what is normal and this is going to cause one to suffer unnecessarily. Self-sabotage It then won’t matter if there are others who are trying to hold them back or put them down, as one is already doing this themselves. And because this is taking place on the inside, it is going to cause one to attract people who talk to them in the same way. If others were to see one being treated badly, they might not think about how this might reflect how they treat themselves. One could cut their ties with the people who do treat them badly, but they might soon find others who are the same. Identification When one is caught up in their inner voice and being thrown around like a car in tornado, they can come to the conclusion that it is who they are. Their inner voice is then not something that can be changed; it is as much a part of them as their arm is. Yet while one’s inner voice might appear to be an expression of who they, it is something that has been created through the people they have spent their time with throughout their life. One of the biggest influences will be what took place during their childhood. Childhood Influences It would be easy to say that one’s mother shaped the influence that is feminine and their father shaped the influence that is masculine, but this is rarely the case. It can all depend on what one’s parents were like or what the people were like who brought them up. However, if one steps back and reflects on how they talk to themselves, they might find that it relates to how they were spoken to whilst they were growing up. The voices they heard on the outside soon became the voices in their head. Awareness One approach would be to focus purely on the mind and to change one’s thoughts and to be around people who are supportive and loving. Through this, one’s self-talk will gradually begin to change. As a result of what happened during these early years, one might also have an emotional build up in their body. And all the time this is there, it might stop them from being able to accept the new messages. If this is the case, one will need to release the emotions that have remained within them. This can take place with the assistance of a therapist or a healer. This is then similar to how a gardener prepares the ground before they plant seed. If they don’t prepare the ground, the seeds might grow, but they won’t do as well as they would if the ground was prepared. Just as one can do affirmations or think positive but if their body is loaded with emotional pain, it might not matter what they do. If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article, as many others have. Oliver J R Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk/ One of the most common mental and emotional challenges that someone can face in today’s world is depression. This is likely to be something that most people experience at one point or another. There are then going to be others who don’t experience it from time to time, they experience it on a regular basis. It could be that this has come to be a way of life for them and it is then normal. Normal So what is normal for one person is not necessarily going to be normal for another. And this means that some people will be used to living without depression and others will be used to living with it. As a result of this, their experience on this planet is going to be radically different. There are also going to be people who reach out for support when they are depressed and others who keep it to themselves. Support If one was suffering from depression, it would be a good idea for them to reach out for support. But while one might ask a friend how to cook a certain meal or go to their doctor if they have a physical problem, this doesn’t always take place when it comes to mental and emotional problems. This comes down to the fact that one is unlikely to feel ashamed of asking for help when it relates to cooking a meal or going to see their doctor about a physical problem, but they can feel ashamed when it comes to an inner problem. And because of this, one can just put up with what is taking place within them and not reach out for support. One Approach If one was to go to their doctor, they might end up being put on some kind of medication. They are then likely to experience a shift in what is taking place within then, but this could also affect their ability to feel other emotions on the spectrum. As a short-term solution and with additional therapy, this could assist one in being able to understand themselves better and to move forward. Yet, if one is just given drugs and that’s the end of it, they are not going to find out about themselves. The Wrong Outlook There are some people who look at mental and emotional problems in isolation, and this means they don’t look into the other factors that could be involved. What is taking place within them could then be seen as a ‘chemical imbalance’ or put down to genetics. But as human beings are interdependent and are not separate from their environment, it means that their environment has to be taken into account. Without this factor being looked at, one can end up being taken down the wrong path and end up believing there is something inherently wrong with them. Depression When one is depressed, it could be a challenge for them to get out of bed and this can mean that each day is a struggle. They can feel as though they have no energy and this is naturally going to affect every part of their life. It is then not possible for them to embrace each day and they might feel as though they have lost the will to live. So their experience on this earth is not going to be very pleasant and this could be something they have become accustomed to. Possible Reasons If one feels this way, it could mean that they are carrying trapped grief in their body. One may have experienced a loss or a number of losses, but as they haven’t been able to grieve, the pain has remained within them It could be due the environment that one lives in and how where they live doesn’t meet thier needs. Perhaps they are around people who are abusive and who don’t respect their boundaries. Anger Another reason why one feels depressed could be due to the fact that they have disconnected from their anger. And this could be something they have done for so long, that they don’t even realise they are doing it. Anger is often seen as being a ‘negative’ emotion and this can then stop people from being able to integrate it. One can then end up losing touch with their anger and when this happens, they are setting themselves up to suffer. Guidance For example, in order for one to have boundaries, to move forward in life and to speak up, they will need to be in touch with their anger. And to see it as something that has the potential to guide them and to move they forward. It is neutral and not something that can be described as being either positive or negative. When one is out of touch with their anger, it is going to be normal for them to let others walk all over them, to stay silent or to say what others want to hear and to end up being passive. Integration Without it, one won’t have anything within them to let them know when they are being violated or when they are not fulfilling their needs. And when one has integrated their anger, it doesn’t mean they always feel angry, it means they will be aware of when something is not right in each moment of their life and their life as a whole. At A Deeper Level The reason one has disconnected from their anger will come down to what they believe will happen if they were to embrace their anger. These beliefs were probably formed during one’s younger years. So if they were to get angry, they might believe that it would cause them to be abandoned and/or for them to be harmed. And if anger has built up within them, they might believe that they would harm others if they were to get in touch with it. One could also end up feeling guilty whenever they experience anger. Awareness The beliefs that one has around expressing their anger could be supported by how they feel in their body. And the reason they feel as they do could be because of the emotional experiences of the past that have remained within them. It might then be necessary for them to seek the assistance of a therapist or a healer to enable them to process how they feel. Another approach would be for them to question their beliefs and to change their behaviour. It can all depend on what one feels they need in order to integrate their anger and to move forward. If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article, as many others have. Oliver J R Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk/ One thing that human beings need in order to live a fulfilling life is to be accepted for who they are. But while they have this need, it doesn’t mean that it is always met. And even when one does feel as though the people around them accept them for who they are, it could be that they only accept them for what they do. The impression one is given from the people they associate with, is then in stark contrast to what is really taking place. One Argument However, it could be said one’s behaviour defines who they are and that it is not possible to separate the two. And when it comes to who one is, it will be their behaviour that is taken into account. To accept someone based on what they do can then seem like the only option available. Yet, just because someone behaves a certain way, it doesn’t mean that it matches up with who they really are. An Act It is possible for one to put on an act and to behave in ways that go against who they are. So if someone was to form an opinion based on what they do, they could come to an inaccurate conclusion. If on the other hand, one was to get to know them and to just be in their company, they might soon realise that their behaviour doesn’t match up with who they are. When it comes to their behaviour, they do the right things, but this is just an illusion. Intention This doesn’t mean that one’s intention is to deceive others; it might be the only way they know how to be accepted. Putting on an act then doesn’t match up with who they are, but it is way for them to receive the acceptance of others. However, regardless of whether one is out to deceive others or not, they are not being accepted for who they are. If their behaviour matched up with who they are, then this wouldn’t be the case. In Sync And even if one’s actions do match up with who they are, it doesn’t mean that this reflects their true nature. For example, one could be doctor or work as an accountant, but this is simply a role they play to fulfil a need or a number of needs. So when one is playing this role and people like them, it doesn’t mean they accept them for who they are. What it means is that one is being accepted for what they do and while this will feel good, it won’t be enough. Being Accepted When one does accept themselves, it will be easier for them to attract people who accept them. They are not going to feel the need to play a role in order to be accepted; who they are is enough. And while what they do reflects what is taking place within them, there is still so much more to them. The people they surround themselves with, are then going to be people who know who they are behind the role they play. The Absence Alternatively, when one doesn’t accept themselves, they can feel the need to ‘be someone’ in order to be accepted. They believe that who they are is not enough and the only way for people to accept them is for them to play a role. This could then motivate someone to achieve something or to become successful, with the hope that it will enable them to be accepted. This could work, and one could soon find themselves surrounded by people who ‘accept them’. Caught Up In the beginning, one could end up being caught up in the approval that they receive from others, and think about how their life has changed over the years. Yet as time passes, one could soon get a sense of the fact that they are still not being accepted for who they are. The acceptance that they are receiving from others is based on what they do and has nothing to do with who they are. Their life has then changed, but one could end up feeling how they did before their life changed. Conflict However, just because one realises what is taking place, it doesn’t mean they will be able to change what is happening. On one side, they are not being accepted for who they are, but on the other, they believe that others won’t accept who they are. So unless they are able to change how they feel and the beliefs they have about themselves, it is not going to be a challenge for them to attract people who do accept them. And yet if one wants to fulfil this need, it will be important for them to look at what is taking place within them. Other Walks Of Life When one does accept themselves, they might find that they have friends other walks of life. This then reflects the fact that one has many sides and is far more than the roles they play each day. Through being around people who accept then for who they are and not for what they do, it will allow one to be a human being and not a human doing. This is because the people around them are not their because of the role they play, and this means one can let go and be themselves. Awareness In order to move forward and for one to accept themselves for who they are, it might be necessary for them to seek the assistance of a therapist or a healer. One thing that can stop one from being able to accept themselves is when they are carrying toxic shame. If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article, as many others have. Oliver J R Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk/ Although there is no such thing as a perfect childhood, that doesn’t mean that everyone is treated in the same way. There are going to be some people who were treated well on most occasions and there are going to be others who had the opposite experience. In this case, one would have been treated badly on most occasions and this is what was normal for them. There is also the chance that one had a certain stage in their life where they were mistreated. Perhaps one experienced some kind of abuse and/or they may have been neglected. When it comes to abuse, it is going to relate to what one received from the people around them. On the other hand, when it applies to neglect, it is going to be about what one didn’t receive. Different Ways There is then what takes place when one receives something that harms them and what takes place when they don’t get what they need to receive in order to grow and develop. Each form of abuse is destructive and while it will affect people in different ways, there will be certain consequences that generally arise. As a child, one may have played up and got themselves into trouble as a way to get their parents attention. And although they might not have received the attention they wanted, it would have been better than being ignored. Damage This is not to place one form of abuse above the other; it is simply to show that not all abuse affects people in the same way. There is also what happens and how one responds to what happens. However, what is clear is that child abuse can and does cause a lot of damage. There is more awareness around this area than there was in the past, but that doesn’t mean that child abuse is therefore on the way out. Generational It is often passed on from one generation to another and one reason for this is that the pain of being abused is often hidden. It is pushed out of one’s awareness and this can then set someone up to go from a victim to a perpetrator. Years will have passed and one may have disconnected from how they felt when they were being abused, and yet the pain has stayed within them. So once an external trigger is provided for example, one can end up passing on their pain. Pain The ideal would be for one to reach out for support and to gradually process their emotional pain, but this often the exception as opposed to the rule. And this is partly due to the fact that in today’s world, emotional pain is generally overlooked. During one’s time in the education system, they would have been given the chance to develop their mind and to learn about their body. Yet the same can’t be said when it comes to one’s emotions; as this is an area that is generally overlooked. Hidden So unless one has a healthy relationship with their emotions or takes the initiative themselves, this could be an area that they continue to overlook throughout their life. And all the time one avoids their emotions, it is going to cause them to build up and the more they build up, the harder it will be for them to experience emotional control and to act consciously. The Mind If it was a case of just getting in touch with the pain, processing it and then moving on, it would be relatively straight forward. But one’s mind can end up getting in the way and stopping them from getting in touch with how they feel in their body. There is going to be how one feels about what happened in their body and then there is going to be what is taking place in their mind. And in order to avoid the pain, one may have created all kinds of stories and even created an identity that allows them to avoid how they feel. Idealisation The idea one then has of their parents or a parent, is then out of touch with the reality of what they were really like. Now, during the time of the abuse, it would have been vital for them to idealise their parent/s. At this age, one’s survival is based on their caregivers and this means that they would have had to block out anything that put their survival at risk. If one was to face reality, it would be overwhelming and too much for them to handle at this age. Time Goes By However, just because one is an adult, it doesn’t mean they feel like one and this can cause them to maintain the idealised image that they created as a child. And while this stops them from having to face how they felt all those years ago, it will stop them from being able to move on from what happened. The pain that has remained within them could cause them to abuse others and it could set them up to attract others who are abusive. It could also cause them to lose control of their behaviour, to have emotional problems and/or to have addictive tendencies. Other Factors So when one sees their parents as perfect, it will allow them to experience a certain amount of control when it comes to how they feel, this is the upside. The downside is that one will be living in denial and their relationships and/or their body will show them exactly what is going on within them. If one was to drop their idealised image, they would open themselves up to how they really feel and this could be overwhelming (just as it would have been as a child). Here one could experience: fear, terror, rage, loss, abandonment, rejection, hopelessness, helplessness, guilt, shame and grief. Awareness To face one’s emotional truth is likely to be more painful in the short-term, but it will enable them to live a better life in the long-term. This is not something that one should try to do by themselves though, and this is why external support is important. A therapist, healer and/or a support group will provide a safe environment and the validation that one needs to face how they feel. This will be a time where one grieves unmet childhood needs. It is also not about blame, it is about one facing their emotional truth and moving forward. If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article, as many others have. Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk/ While there are some people who are always doing things, there are others who rarely do anything. Just as there are going to be people who are fairly active, but not the degree that they fall on either side of the spectrum. However, even though there will be people who can relate to this, it doesn’t mean that this will always apply to them. At times, one might go from someone who can’t be bothered to do anything, to someone to ends up being extremely driven and vice versa. For the person who generally stays n the middle when it comes to how active they are, they could also have times when they drop to one side or the other. These changes could occur because of what is taking place externally or one might start to change their behaviour due to what is taking place within them. Different Factors For example, something could take place externally and one could instantly feel the need to do something. Yet, if this didn’t take place, they might not even bother doing anything. One might start to reflect on their life and think about how old they are and then come to the conclusion that they need to do something. And although this has taken place as a result of what is going on within them, the external world will have played a part. Comparison This is because if one has come to the conclusion that they need to do more, it will be a sign that they have compared themselves with others. To do this isn’t negative per se; it is just part of life. One’s sense of self is not independent of others, it is influenced by the experiences they have with others. This is why it is said that ‘there is nothing new under the sun’. It is easy to believe that one’s actions are not influenced by external factors, but this isn’t the case. Highly Motivated However, when someone is highly motivated, they could be someone who achieves a lot and not only that, other people may even admire them. These people know what they want and they are willing to do what is necessary to achieve their goals. This doesn’t mean that they don’t experience any setbacks, what it means that they are not willing to give up. It would also be inaccurate to say that they are always motivated, as there are likely to be moments in their life when they drop off. Only Human Yet, this is to be expected, as human beings are not robots that they keep going no matter what. There could be moments where something happens externally, and one then goes from one side of the spectrum to the other. This could take place due to some kind of loss or because they feel as though they are not progressing as they would like to. But while this might slow one down for a short time, they could soon be on their way. Highly Unmotivated When it comes to someone who has no motivation whatsoever, this could be how they have always been or they might have been highly motivated at one point in their life. In this instance, they have moved from one side of the spectrum to the other and this is now normal. Although this person could be described someone who doesn’t have any goals, this might not reflect reality. A more accurate assessment might be to say that they have goals, it is just that they have disconnected from them. Pain Even if they were in touch with what they want to achieve in life, it might not matter. And as they haven’t got the motivation to go after what they want, it might cause them to experience more pain if they were to get in touch with what they want to achieve. Keeping their goals at a distance is then a way for them to protect themselves from the pain that would arise if they were to embrace them. If they were to go after what they want to achieve, they might soon give up due to not having the drive to keep going. A Way of Life When one experiences life in this way, the chances of them achieving what they want are going to be extremely low. Unlike the person who is highly motivated, experiencing a lack of motivation is not an irregular occurrence; it is a way of life. One could come to accept how they feel as just as how life is, or they might reach out for support. There are likely to be many reasons as to why one has lost their motivation. Reasons It could be put down to one’s diet and how they are not eating the right foods or consuming the right nutrients. Another approach would be to say that one need’s to exercise and that this will get them moving again. One suggestion could be that one needs to take the first step and once this happens, they will gradually start to get their motivation back. What it could also come down to is the fact that one hasn’t been able to grieve a loss or a number of losses that have occurred in their life. Grief When one experiences a loss, they are likely to experience grief. Ideally, one will embrace how they feel and allow themselves to grieve. This could be something that takes months or it could go on for years; everyone is different and this is why there is no set time or process. However, if one doesn’t allow themselves to grieve, they can end up disconnecting from how they feel and before long, they can lose their vitality. As it might take a while before their grief causes them to lose their motivation, one might not see the connection. Gradual Decline This could relate to a loss that one experienced in their adulthood and/or it could be due to a childhood loss. When one has experienced loss and not grieved the loss, each loss is likely to build on the previous loss. Looking back, one might see that they were fairly motivated at one point in their life and that this has changed as time has passed. This could be because the losses that they have experienced as the years have gone by have gradually decreased their motivation. Awareness In one is carrying grief, it will be important for them to reach out for support. A therapist, healer and/or a support group can allow one to face their grief and to gradually move on. What matters is that one feels safe with the person they work with and this will allow them to express how they feel. If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article, as many others have. Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk/ While one’s attention can be in the moment, it can also go into the past and focus on the future. This is something that is likely to take place for most people on the planet and it could also be described as normal. At times, one will want to reflect on the past to remind them of something or to get in touch with a time in their life when they felt good. Just as there will be moments when ones thinks about how their life might be in the future. And as long one doesn’t place too much attention on the past or the future and is able to focus on the present moment, there shouldn’t be a problem. It is only when one puts too much of their attention on what happened or what might happen that they will start to become out of balance. Now If one is in balance, it is going to mean that they are able to live in the moment as opposed to being caught up in the past or the future. This is not to say that there won’t be moments when one needs to focus on the past or the future; as there could be times when they need to. One might think about how they would like their life to be or what they want to achieve, and they end up leaving the present moment. Or one could look back on a time in their life when they went on holiday or they think about how they felt when they had achieved something in the past. Other Reasons Thinking about the future is also a way for one to make plans and to decide what they will do tomorrow or next week. If this didn’t take place, they could find that they agree to do things when they have already agreed to do something, and their life might not change as they haven’t made any plans or created any goals. Looking into the past can also be important if one is engaging in any kind of healing or self-development. What they find out through looking back is then a vital part of them being able to move forward. Escapism So to go forward or back is going to be necessary at times, but if this is a way of life, it is naturally going to create problems. This could then be a sign that one is avoiding what is taking place, and this could relate to what is happening externally and/or internally. Perhaps one is living in an environment that is dysfunctional or they might have experienced some kind of loss. Focusing on how their life used to be or how it might be in the future is then a way for them to regulate how they feel. Part of Life And as loss is part of life and there are going to be moments when one’s present moment is not how they want it to be, it is to be expected that there will be times when one leaves the present moment. If this becomes a way of life, it could mean that one needs to seek some kind of support. But as times passes, one may soon settle down and it should be possible for them to be present once more. They might even need to change their environment if where they live or work is affecting their wellbeing. Today’s World However, in today’s world, it is a lot easier for someone to leave the present moment. And this because technology is often as much a part of someone’s life as air is to their lungs. One longer needs to sit down to use a computer or to look at a big screen to use the internet; they only need to look at their phone. One of the biggest reasons why people use the internet is to use social media. This gives them to the chance to connect with others and to share things with their ‘friends’. Yet, what they see on these sites and what they share doesn’t always reflect reality. A Photograph What is seen on social media could be compared to a photograph, in as much as it is simply a picture and not the experience itself. But this is not the whole truth; as what one sees on social media might not reflect reality. And when one looks at a picture or watches a video that they have made, they are going to be reminded of how they felt during that moment. Yet, while a picture or a video will remind them, it won’t be as good as the real thing. Detached So through having the need to capture what one is going at a certain point in their life, and this could be through taking pictures and/or filming, one is no longer embracing the present moment. They are then no longer experiencing reality, they are observing it. The need to share ones experiences with others on social media then stops them from being able to embrace the experience. What happened has been captured and can be looked at at any moment, but one will have lost the most important thing – the experience itself. Social Media It would then be easy to say that the best approach would be for one to longer take pictures or to film things; this way, one would be able to enjoy the experience. But this is something that has taken place for years, and long before social media was even invented. What is different is that it is easier than ever before to capture what is taking place in any given moment, and this need is often greater when one uses social media. Showing others could be a way for them to let other people know what they are doing or it could be to create a certain image. Conclusion This is not to say that one should no longer take pictures of films things, but what it does illustrate is how one can miss out on what is taking when they are caught up in doing everything they can to share their experience with others. Upon reflection, one might decide to put more attention on being present or they might not. If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article, as many others have. Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk/
There are many things that human beings need in order to feel fulfilled and one of those needs is the need to be seen. This doesn’t mean that they have an inherent need to be ‘famous’ though; it simply means that they need to be noticed by others.
And while one could be noticed by others due to what they have achieved, it can also take place regardless of what they have achieved. Therefore, it doesn’t matter whether one is being noticed for what they have done or because they have just bought something in a shop. Ultimately, it comes down to being acknowledged by others. The Need So for the average person, this need could be fulfilled by their close friends, colleagues, family and partner. This could also extend to the areas where they socialise. And through having this need fulfilled, one is going to feel as though they are important. Even though there are going to be people who don’t acknowledge them, there are plenty of people who do. Reality Part of them might think about what it would be like to be noticed by everyone and at the same time, they might realise how this is not possible. Similar to how it is not going to be possible for them to notice everyone. But as long as one is noticed by the people that are in their life, it shouldn’t matter whether some people are unable to. However, if the people they are close to don’t notice them, for instance, they could have a greater need to be noticed. Attention Their attention could then be focused on being noticed by as many people as they can. And while their intention is simply to be noticed, they could end up being labelled as an attention seeker. If one was to act in this way, it could be because they are not being noticed by the people around them. This type of behaviour may also arise even if one is being noticed by the people around them. Out of Balance When it relates to someone who is getting attention, it is going to be a sign that something is not right. It is then similar to someone who is hungry and yet no matter how much they have to eat, they are still hungry. What this could mean is that one wasn’t noticed whilst they were growing up and this has then set them up to look for what they didn’t get all those years ago. But as this relates to an unmet childhood need, it won’t matter how much attention they receive as an adult. These needs will need to be faced and grieved and as this happens, one’s need for attention will begin to diminish. They might then find that the attention they receive from the people in their life is enough. Avoidance However, just because the need to be seen is an inherent part of being human, it doesn’t mean that everyone feels comfortable with this need. They are then going to be different to the people who do feel comfortable with this need and who are able to have it met, and to those who are unable to fulfil this need no matter how much attention they receive. This doesn’t mean that the people who feel uncomfortable being seen live like hermits; as they could be in the limelight. Yet no matter what they do or how successful they are, they are still going to do everything they can to avoid being seen. Being Seen The need to be seen is not only an important part of one’s ability to survive; there are also mental and emotional benefits. How they feel can all depend on who notices them and what the context is. What it will all come down to is that one will feel as though they exist and everything else will be an extension of this. This is because human beings are interdependent and need others in order to survive. So if one is not seen by others it is naturally going to affect their sense of self, how they feel about themselves and what takes place in their mind. Conflict On one side then, one feels the need to avoid being seen and on the other, they have the need to be seen. But they could be disconnected from this need as their attention is on doing everything they can do avoid being seen. This shows that one is not working with themselves, they are working against themselves. But even though this may have been how their life has been for many years, there is going to be a reason why they are this way. A Deeper Look If one was to be seen by others, it could cause them to feel as though they will be harmed and/or smothered. And based on what it means for them to be seen, it is only natural that they will avoid attention. There may have been moments in their adult life where they were harmed and/or felt smothered, but it is likely to be the result of what happened during their childhood that had the biggest effect on them. What has happened to them as an adult is then a continuation of what took place during their childhood. Early Years During these years, one may have experienced some form of abuse and this may have been emotional, physical, verbal and/or sexual. If this was the case, being seen would have caused them to suffer. It was then in their best interests to do everything they could to avoid being seen. The need was there for them to be seen, but if they were to embrace this need, it would have caused them to be violated in some way. And as their caregivers ignored their needs, it would have meant that their personal space was also ignored and this would have stopped them from being able to develop boundaries. Awareness Although time has passed since these early experiences, the emotional experiences of the past have remained within them. And all the time this pain is not dealt with, one will continue to perceive life as they did all those years ago. As this emotional pain is processed, one will also start to develop boundaries and to feel safe. This process can take place with the assistance of a therapist, healer and/or a support group.
If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article, as many others have.
Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk/ |
Oliver JR CooperAuthor of 26 books, Transformational Writer, Teacher & Consultant. Introductory Consultation
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Disclaimer
That which is contained within these articles is based on my own empirical understanding and is true for me at the time they were written. However, as I continue to grow, what I perceive as the truth will inevitably change and as a result of this - parts of these articles may not reflect my current outlook.
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