There are some people who are able to put their needs first and to be there for others when it is possible. In this case, it shows that they are comfortable with their own needs and don’t feel the need to ignore them. Just as there are going to be others who only feel comfortable when they are taking care of others needs. As a result of this, one is going to be there for others but they are not going to be there for themselves. Needs To have needs is part of being human, and this means it is not something that one can change. What is going to cause problems is when one doesn’t feel comfortable with their needs and always ends up putting others needs before their own. If one was to put others needs before their own on the odd occasion, it is unlikely to be something that has a negative effect on their life. Yet, if this happens all the time, it is going to have a negative effect. Playing a Role This doesn’t mean that other people will realise what is happening and even if they do, they might say that one is doing the right thing. Either way, one is deny their own needs and putting others first. The reason other people are likely to say that one is doing the right thing, as opposed to telling them that they need to put their needs first, is because of how needs are often viewed. If one acts needless and is always there for others, they are often described as being a good example. Selfish Whereas if one was to put their needs first, instead of putting others first, they could be described as selfish. So as this word often has negative connotations, it can cause someone to do everything they can to avoid being seen in this way. But while being selfless is often seen as the ideal, to be this way is similar to building a house on sand. The house needs to have solid foundations or it will soon fall to the ground. The First Step When it comes to human beings, the foundations are one’s needs. Once these are met, one will have the energy to be there for others. If one was to deny their own needs and to be there for others, they will be running on empty. The energy they do get is likely to be from the approval they receive from others. This is naturally going to have an effect on them, but it won’t be the same as it would be if they were getting their real needs met. Normal When it is normal for one to put their needs first, their life is going to be far more fulfilling than it would be if they were to always put others needs first. But if they always put others needs first, this could be what is normal for them. Their whole identity might be based on them being there for others and while this is how others know them, it is not going to reflect their true self. What it comes down to is the role that one plays in order to be accepted. Conflict On the surface, one could believe they are doing the right thing but at a deeper level, this is going to create pain. Yet, this is to be expected, as they are going against themselves as opposed to working with themselves. However, while this is creating pain, they could experience more pain through putting their needs first than the other way around. Going against themselves is then painful, but it is not as painful as it would be if they put their needs first. Inner Control So if having needs is normal, it can be hard to understand why one would feel need to deny their needs. One might know why they ignore their needs or it could be something they are completely unaware of. And although there are going to be external factors involved here, it is going to come down to what is taking place within them. What is taking place within someone is going to be the defining factor. Guilt If one was to put their needs first, they could soon be overwhelmed by guilt. One is then going to believe that they are doing something that is bad. They could also cause one to feel ashamed and this means they are not only doing something that is bad, they are bad. The trouble with feelings is that they don’t always reflect reality. Just because someone feels guilty, it doesn’t mean they have done something wrong and just because one feels ashamed, it doesn’t mean they are bad. The Reason What it could come down to is how one’s caregivers treated their needs whilst they were younger. The ideal would have been for ones caregiver to meet their need on a consistent basis, but this might not have happened. Instead, one may have ended up fulfilling their caregiver’s needs and this would have meant that their needs were ignored. This would have caused them to believe that others needs are important and their needs are not. Point Of Focus And as they had to focus on others needs from the very beginning of their life, they might not know what their needs are. It could be normal for them to know all about others needs and to have no idea about their own. Awareness In order to move beyond this challenge, one is going to need to grieve their unmet childhood needs. It might also be important for them to receive the positive regard that they didn’t receive all those years ago. This will allow them to get in touch with their true feelings and needs and to live from their true self. The assistance of a therapist, healer and/or a support group may be needed here. If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article, as many others have. Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk/
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When one is experiencing some kind of challenge, and this could be an inner challenge and/ or an outer challenge, it could cause them to reach out for support. This may mean that they go and buy a book or they might even go on a course. Another approach would be for them to find a coach, therapist or a support group. There is also the chance that one will do more than one thing and end up selecting a number of options. It can all depend on what one feels drawn to and if something is available. Support One might decide that they need a certain kind of support and just go with it. This could be because they have done their own research and come to their own conclusions. They might speak to a friend or their doctor, and end up going along with what they recommend. This could mean that one ends up going to see a counsellor or someone similar who deals with the challenges that they are experiencing. The Perfect Match One could then find that they are with someone who can assist them and before long; they are able to move forward. As to how long this relationship will last can all depend on what they need to work on. This is similar to how some people need more driving lessons than others in order for them to pass their test. There is no set time when it comes to how long one will need another person’s assistance. The Challenge However, just because one has a challenge to overcome, it doesn’t mean that they will need to stay with the same therapist forever. In the beginning, one might see growth but as times passes; they might wonder what is happening. This could be a sign that one is not ready to move forward or it could mean that the person they are working with has taken them as far as they can. If it relates to the fact that one is not ready to move forward, then this will be something they need to look into. The Therapist Yet, if one is ready to move forward and they feel as though the person they are working with is unable to take them any further, then it will be important for them to take a step back. This will give them the chance to reflect on what is taking place and to try a different approach. One could then end up working with a different therapist or they might decide that they no longer need to work with a therapist. If one is in a vulnerable position, it may be important for them to take their time to avoid making any rash decisions. The Relationship If one feels close to the person they are working with, it could cause them to lose touch with the reason why they are working with them in the first place. This could apply to someone who has emotional challenges and needs emotional support. It then might not matter whether they are making progress or not, as they have come to depend upon the therapist. So due to how they feel in their company, it could mean that one feels better. Progress But just because they feel better, it doesn’t mean they are making progress. For example: one could be depressed and after speaking to an old friend, they could feel better. Yet, shortly after the conversation has come to an end, one could feel depressed again. What this means is that it will be important for one to be aware of if they are actually making progress and not to base their progress on how they feel when they are with their therapist or on how they feel shortly after. Responsibility While a therapist may be skilled in what they do, it doesn’t mean they have a magic wand. They are human beings and this means that they will have their own challenges to deal with. It can be normal for one to idealise their therapist and to see them as perfect, and this can cause them to give their power away. However, the real power is within oneself and this is why it is vital that one takes responsibly for their own growth. A Personal Journey A therapist can be a catalyst and this can take place as a result of them holding the space and through them providing the positive regard that one needs, for instance. Yet, what they can’t do is do one’s work for them. One needs to be committed to their own growth and to be the person who understands themselves. Reaching out for support takes courage and this is not something to be ashamed of. If one puts in the work to understand themselves, it will give them a better chance of knowing if what they are doing is working or not. Without this, one is going to look towards their therapist for everything and this could stop them from moving forward. Check Point Working with a therapist is familiar to those times when one needs to fill up their car; how long they stay there can depend on how much fuel they need. Just as how long they work with a therapist can depend on what is going on for them. Important Points What matters is that one feels safe with the person they are working with and that they have been through or understand what one is going through. The therapist is there to assist them and not the other way around. So if one feels they have gone as far as they can, it will be important for them to listen to their feelings and to acknowledge the evidence that supports what is taking place. This is something that one’s therapist should also support and they might recommend someone else. If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article, as many others have. Oliver J R Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk/ How someone comes across is not always in alignment with who they are and while this could be something that happens from time to time, it could be a regular occurrence. This then means that their true self is being covered up from time to time or it is something that always takes place. If this is something that happens from time to time, it could be seen as part of life. It is not going to be possible for one to always be themselves; there will be moments when one will have to put on an act or at least to hide how they feel. This is not to say that one is out to deceive others, it is simply part of living in the modern-day world. It can all depend on what is happening externally and what is taking place within them. Different Environments When one is around people who accept them, it is going to give them the chance to show their true self. The only thing that will stop them from being able to do this is if they have inner blocks. It then might not matter whether they are around the right people or not, as what is going on internally is getting in the way. However, providing one does feel comfortable with themselves, they are likely to reveal their true self to their friends, family and partner, for instance. In The World This is going to be important because it is not always going to be possible for one to reveal what is going on for them to everyone they meet in the ‘real world’. At times, they will need to hide how they feel and to act in ways that go against their true needs. As they are unable to be authentic, it is going to create frustration, but it is also going to be for a good reason. If one was to always act how they wanted or to reveal their feelings, it could put their survival at risk on one hand and on the other; it could cause them to experience unnecessary responses. Protection Therefore, playing a role from time to time doesn’t mean that one is living a lie or out to manipulate others; it means that they are aware of what would happen if they didn’t take these steps to protect themselves. If one said that the world is unsafe and that they are not accepted by others, it would be the same as saying that the world is completely safe and that one is accepted by everyone. There are going to be places where it is unsafe and there will be people out there who are unable to offer their acceptance. The Logical Approach So as a result of this, it is not going to be possible for one to always reveal who they are. This is why it is going to be important for one to feel comfortable with themselves so that they can be live a life that is defined by what is true for them and not what isn’t. The stronger one is, the easier it will be for them to be who they are and this will allow them to attract experiences where they can be themselves. And as time passes, they could find that their life has more moments where they are authentic than it has moments where they are not. The ideal Yet, while the ideal will be for one to live a life where they are able to reveal their true self to the people they are close to, this is not how everyone experiences life. It then might not matter whether one is in the ‘real world’ or if they are with their friends or family. The people they are with could be different, but the way they behave is the same. How they behave is defined by others and who they are really is going to remain hidden. Out of Touch Their attention is going to be on others and this could mean that their needs and feelings are a mystery. If this is the case, they might not even realise that they are out of touch with themselves. Being who others want them to be or who they think they want them to be is then normal and the only thing they know. There is also the chance that one is aware of the fact they are playing a role, yet, as they are unable to be themselves, it won’t matter who they are with. Two Sides On one side, one might not feel that it is safe for them to be who they are and this stops them from expressing themselves. And on the other, they might not feel safe but even if they did feel safe, it doesn’t mean they will be able to be themselves. The reason they don’t feel safe could come down to the fear of abandonment. Once this fear has been dealt with for some people, they will be on their way, but there will be others who need more. Abandonment When one has a fear of being abandoned, it is likely to mean that they were neglected during their early years. This would have been a time where their needs were ignored and as one was emotionally dependent at this age, it would have created a lot of pain. Being left during this time would have felt like death and this is because one didn’t have the ability to regulate their emotions. So time passes, but the emotional experiences of the past will have remained within one’s body. As An Adult If one is unaware of what happened during their childhood they might not understand why they act as they do. What happened all those years ago then ends up creating conflict and stops one from being able to be themselves. It doesn’t matter that one can’t be abandoned as an adult; as their body is going to cause them to experience life as they did all those years ago. And until these emotional experiences have been processed, their life is not going to change. Awareness However, if one was neglected, it could also mean that they need to be affirmed as an adult. This will allow them to connect to their feelings and needs and to develop a sense of self. The assistance of a therapist, healer and/or a support group will allow one to grieve their unmet childhood needs. They will also provide the affirmation that they missed out on all those years go. If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article, as many others have. Oliver J R Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk/ If one was to come across someone who said that they can live without air, one might start laughing or they could think that there is something wrong with them. This is because human beings need air to survive; they could go against this need, but their life would soon come to an end. As breathing in and out is something that usually happens without one having to do anything, it is generally going to mean that this need is at the back of their mind. This allows one to carry on with their life and to focus on their other needs. But while fulfilling this need is usually straight forward, it doesn’t mean that one is able to fulfil their other needs in the same way. They could find that it is real challenge for them to have their needs met. Needs Although having needs is part of being human, it doesn’t mean that one feels comfortable with their needs. It could be said that it should be normal for one to feel comfortable with their needs. And if one doesn’t feel comfortable with their needs, it shows that something isn’t right. Yet, just because this is the case, it doesn’t mean that one realises their needs are part of being human. Inner Conflict When one is unable to embrace their needs, it is going to mean they are experiencing inner conflict. On one side, they have the need to full their needs, and on the other, this doesn’t feel right. And if one is aware of what is taking place within them and is able to step back, they might wonder what is going on. This could be something that has taken place for many years and it could then be seen as normal. Another Reality When one feels comfortable with their needs it doesn’t mean that they will always fulfil them; what it means is that one won’t feel the need to hide them and neither will they always go without having their needs met. Their experience is going to be radically different and they might find it hard to relate to someone who doesn’t feel comfortable with their needs. Through having their needs met, they are going to live a more fulfilling life. Inner Harmony And as one is not rejecting the fact that they have needs, this is going to mean that they feel different on the inside. This can then give one the chance to work with themselves as opposed to against themselves. Even if one does deny their needs, they are not just going to go disappear. What they will do is build up and this is going to have an effect on one’s mental, emotional and physical wellbeing. Hidden When one does hide their needs, they are going to be hiding a big part of themselves. Due to how they feel about their needs, it is not possible for them to live an authentic life. Instead, one has to put on an act and to life a live that is not fulfilling. This could mean that one feels as though they are always running on empty and the people around them might not even know. False Self In the eyes of others, one could be seen as someone who is always there for others and they are then not even aware of what is taking place. This could mean that while one is suffering on the inside, on the outside, they are revered. The approval they may receive from others is then going to make them feel good, but it is not going to be enough to compensate for the fact that their needs are not being met. It is better than nothing and yet it is not going to allow one to live a fulfilling life. Indirect When one doesn’t feel comfortable with their needs, being there for others is a way for them to get their needs met. One doesn’t go about getting their needs met directly; they do what they can to please others with the hope that they will return the favour. And while this may work from time to time, it is going to set one up to experience more frustration. This is not necessarily because others are always selfish; it is because they are not always going to be aware of what is taking place. Ashamed At a deeper level, one could feel ashamed of their needs and this is why it is not possible for them to get them met. They are then not seen as a normal part of being human; they are seen as something to be ashamed off. If they were to reveal their needs to others, it could be seen as something that will cause them to be abandoned for instance. Their survival is then based on them hiding their needs and acting as if they are needless. What’s going on? So as one is going against their true nature, it shows that something is not right and that something has happened to make them this way. What this can mean is that one’s needs were overlooked during their childhood. This would have been a time where one’s needs were rarely met and one may have had to meet their caregiver’s needs instead. If they revealed their needs, they may have been abandoned, harmed or even humiliated. Their environment caused them to see their needs as bad and not as normal. Awareness It is going to be important for one to realise that their needs are normal and not something to be ashamed of. And as their needs were ignored during their younger years, it could also mean that they will need to grieve their unmet childhood needs. This can take place with the assistance of a therapist, healer and/or a support group. Once this takes place, one won’t feel as needy and they will be able to embrace their needs. If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article, as many others have. Oliver J R Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk/ Although life is rarely black and white, it doesn’t mean that some people won’t see it as being this way. And while most people are going to see it this way from time to, there are going to be others who are unable to see it differently. They are then on one side or they are on the other and everything in between is overlooked. To see life this way is going mean that one doesn’t really have to think; all they have to do is to go with the first response that their mind comes up with. These responses could match up with what is taking place but at the same time, they could have nothing to do with it. To approach life in this way is going to mean that they don’t have to use as much energy as they would if they were to think about each situation. A Good Reason So in terms of saving energy (and if one was to look at this from a place of survival), it is the right approach to take. Yet, this is an approach that is not always as relevant in today’s world as it was in the past. In the past, putting their ability to think to one side and simply reacting might have been the difference between life and death. But to act in this way as a way of life is likely to cause them to think and to act in ways that limit them. Thinking If one was to take a different approach and to think about something as opposed to just coming to a rash conclusion, they will use more energy. This is backed up by the fact that the brain is the hungriest organ in the body. On one side, one will lose something, but on the other, they will gain something. What they will gain is the ability to form more accurate conclusions about reality. And just like when one starts doing exercise for the first time, it is going to take more effort than if they have been exercising for months or even years. Momentum As time passes, they will start to build momentum and it will become second nature. One might find that they are not as reliant on black and white thinking and they might look in between the lines in one area of their life at first or it could be something they apply to all areas. This doesn’t mean that one should never use should black and white thinking; it means that they have another option. To say it is black and white thinking wouldn’t be completely accurate though, as it is what takes place when one doesn’t think. Regrets One area where black and white thinking is often used is when it comes to experiencing regrets. Some people believe that there is no reason to regret anything and that life is too short to have them. If one’s attention is consumed by something that happened last month or a number of years ago, it is clear that this is not having a positive effect on their life. And as life is short, why would one want to focus on something that’s in the past and can’t be changed. Time Travel When one regrets something, it can play on their mind and all the time they are focused on what they didn’t do right, they are missing out on what they can do in this moment. If it was possible to go back in time, then one could go back change what they did. But even though this can sound like the perfect way to no longer have regrets, it could set one up to create other problems. This is why it could be said that regrets are part of life and not something that one can completely remove from their experience on this earth. What’s The Purpose? Based on how one can feel when they have regrets and as it can stop them from being present, it would be easy to say that they have no purpose. But is it really this black and white? Human beings are designed to seek pleasure and to avoid pain and the present moment is where their power lies. However, this doesn’t mean that experiencing pain is always bad or that thinking about the past is always negative. Guidance When one regrets something, they are aware of what they have done wrong. They are being reminded of the fact that they didn’t do what they wanted to do and this is why they are experiencing regret. If one didn’t regret anything, it doesn’t necessarily mean that they live the perfect life, it is likely to mean they are out of touch with themselves. Human beings are imperfect; making mistakes and getting things wrong is part of life. It is not about trying to deny this, it is about embracing it. Empathy Not only do regrets allow one to be notified of what they need to do differently to improve their own life, it is also a vital part of them being able to treat others in the right way. If one was to harm another and they were to regret what happened, it would mean they have empathy. Yet if they were unable to regret hurting another, they would be able to hurt others and continue to act in the same way. This is because they wouldn’t know any different. Having the ability to experience regret is then a vital part of being able to grow and it is part of having a conscience. Awareness So if one is stuck in the past and is unable to be present, it doesn’t mean they need to find a way to no longer experience regret, it could mean they have some emotional work to do. Once these experiences have been processed, it will free them up to see how the ability to regret things is an important part of being human. The assistance of a therapist, healer and/or a support group may be required here. If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article, as many others have. Oliver J R Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk/ While a physical problem can stand out, an emotional problem can remain hidden. Yet, even though there can be a difference here, it doesn’t mean that one problem is more important than other. Ultimately, it doesn’t matter what kind of pain one is experiencing, what matters is that they seek the right assistance. If one has a physical problem, they might take some tablets, go to see their doctor or even end up going to the hospital. But if one has an emotional problem, they might not know what route to take. They could take tablets and/or go to their doctor, but they are unlikely to do to the hospital. Yet there is also the chance that they won’t do anything, and just end up suffering in silence. The Difference If one has a physical problem, they are not necessarily going to feel need to keep it to themselves. But if they have an emotional problem, they could feel the need to hide it from others. This is partly due to the fact that human beings live in a world that rarely embraces each part of them. Their physical body is embraced, as is their intellect, but their emotional body is often ignored. Out of Balance And if society is out of balance, it is not going to be much of a surprise if the people who are part of the society are also out of balance. This could mean that people end up with a highly developed intellect, but their emotional and physical development could be way behind. Or perhaps they could have developed their intellect and their physical body but their emotional body has been ignored. Just as some people could neglect their intellect and their emotions and just develop their physical body. Associations So due to emotional problems being viewed differently, it can stop people from reaching out for the support they desperately need. On one side, they need support, but on the other, they might fear that others will reject them and/or see them as ‘weak’. How they feel on the inside is then covered up and the people around them might not even know how they are experiencing life. Or one could reveal how they feel, and the people around them could make them feel even worse. Part of Life However, although emotions are often overlooked, they are part of being human. In an ideal world, they would be seen as normal and not as something to run away from, hide or to be ashamed of. If one avoids their emotions, it could have an impact on their physical health and it could also affect their mind. What this shows is that it is not possible for one to simply ignore their emotions without every other part of them being affected in some shape or form. Depression There are many ways someone can suffer emotionally and one of those ways is when they are depressed. Here, one is likely to feel hopeless and as though they have lost the will to live, among other things. But this doesn’t mean that there is one type of depression or that there is only one cause. One could feel mildly depressed on one side of the spectrum and on the other, they could feel clinically depressed. Just as they could feel this way because they have just broken up with someone or it could also be a sign that one is out of touch with their anger. Normal Based on how they feel, they could end up being diagnosed as depressed or they could do their own research and come to this conclusion themselves. Yet, there is also the chance that one feels this way and hasn’t done anything about it. In this case, it could be normal and how they have been for many, many years. They might have just carried on with their life as best as they could and used certain things to manage how they feel. Body over Mind When one does feel this way, it is highly unlikely that they will be able to use their mind to change how they feel. Their emotional body is in pain and thinking differently could be as effective as trying to warm a house up with a candle. Thinking differently, changing one’s diet or even exercise might help, but then again, it might have no effect whatsoever. What this can then mean is that one is carrying trapped grief in their body. Grief When one experiences some kind of loss, there is the chance that they will experience grief. This is not a process than can be rushed or forced; it is something that one has to surrender to. It could go on for months or it could last years, and this is because there is no set time timeframe. But while some people will go with this process, there are going to be others who are unable to. Their sense of loss is then denied and they can end up being disconnected from how they feel. And this could relate to a loss that one experienced during their childhood or their adulthood, or it could relate to a number of losses that one has experienced throughout their life. Disconnected Time may have passed and one might have forgotten about what happened, but how they felt as a result of what took place has stayed within them. These feelings are then out of their awareness and one can end up feeling depressed. Awareness If one was to come to the conclusion that the reason they feel depressed is because they need to grieve a loss or a number of losses, it is going to be important for them to seek external support. This could be in the form of a therapist, healer and/or some kind of support group. If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article, as many others have. Oliver J R Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk/ Human beings have many ways to communicate with each other and one way for them to do this is to use their voice. But while some people are happy to speak up no matter what is going on, there are others who are unable to do this. This is going to mean that they don’t expedience life in the same way as people who do speak up. What is normal for one person could then be described as abnormal for another. Two Scenarios If these people were to get together and speak about how they behave, they could find it hard to relate to each other’s experience. The person who speaks up might ask the other why they don’t just speak up, and say they have nothing to be afraid of. And for the person who doesn’t, they could wonder how the other person is able to speak up. Based on how they experience life, their approach could be seen as the only option they have. The Truth So what one person believes is the only way is going to be questioned and even dismissed by another. Yet, even though others are going to do this, it doesn’t mean that one will just change and put this behaviour behind them. This could be how they have experiences life for many years and when they do come across people who are different, it could be put down to the fact they are different. One could believe that others have something they don’t have or that it is not possible for them to speak up. Consequences And as a result of this, it is be a challenge for them to have relationships that are authentic. What it could mean is that one ends up going along with others and ignores what is taking place within them. The most important thing will be to please others and in order to do this; they will say what other people want to hear or what they think they want to hear. The needs of others are going to take precedence and it won’t matter what their needs are. Conflict So on one side, one will want to express themselves and on the other, this is not something that they feel comfortable with. This shows that one is not working with themselves, they are working against themselves. And because of what is taking place within them, it might not matter what is taking place externally. So although one could point the finger and blame others, they are playing a part in this experience. Self-Reflection However, for one to realise what part they are playing, it will be important for them to engage in some kind of self-reflection. Without this, one is going to feel as though this is something that ‘just’ happens and that they have no control. Without it, one is not going to be aware of what is taking place within them during the moments when they deny how they feel and go along with others. In the beginning, one might not notice anything or they might just experience some kind of pressure. Two Options The first option will be for one to bring their attention into their body during the moments where they don’t speak up and to see what arises. And if one ends up feeling overwhelmed during these moments, there is another way for them to find out what is taking place. When one is on their own, they can imagine they are in a situation where they would usually keep quiet. And through going over this in their mind, it can enable them to tune into how they feel during the moments when they should be speaking up. Thoughts One could also pay attention to the thoughts that arise in their mind as well as focusing on how they feel in their body. What is taking place in their mind could be seen as the cause of how they feel in their body. Yet, the thoughts that arise in their mind could be a reflection of how they feel in their body. This means that one’s feelings already exist in their body and are not being created through how they think. Emotional Experience As one tunes into their body, they could find that the reason they don’t speak up is because they fear that they will be abandoned. If one believed that their thoughts created their feelings, they could say that it’s all in their mind and that they just need to think differently. But how they feel could relate to how they felt in the past and while time has passed, the emotional experiences of the past have remained within them. One could then change their thoughts, but this wont deal with the emotional pain in their body. Abandonment The reason one feels this way as an adult could be because they were abandoned during their childhood. At this age, being left would have felt like death and this is because one wouldn’t have been able to regulate their emotions and their thinking brain might not have been in operation either. These early experiences can then set them up to do what they can to please others. If they were to put their needs first, it is going to cause these emotional experiences to be triggered. But unless one is aware of what is taking place, they are going to be controlled by their feelings. Awareness So in order for one to feel comfortable with speaking up, it is going to be important for them to process the emotional pain within them. And this is likely to be a time of grieving unmet childhood needs. The assistance of a therapist, healer and/or a support group might be needed here. If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article, as many others have. Oliver J R Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk/ How we behave influence’s how we feel, and the only thing one needs to do to realise this is to change their posture. Many people realise how their body language not only affects how they feel, they also realise how it affects how others feel around them. There is then an inner change in oneself and inner change in the other person. And one’s body language can make others warm to them for example, or it can cause them to pull away. Professional Help If one was experience some kind of emotional challenge and they were to seek professional help, they may be advised to change their behaviour. They might hear that their thoughts, feelings and behaviour are interconnected. This could cause them to reflect on their behaviour and look at how it is impacting their life. And by changing one part, it will enable one to alter the other parts. The key to having different thoughts and feelings will be for them to change their behaviour. The Other Way As this takes place, one’s thoughts and feelings will begin to change. In the beginning, one might wonder how their behaviour is affecting their inner world or they might realise what is taking place. Once they know what they need to work on, they can begin to make the changes that they need to make in order to feel different. This could mean that one has a few things to work on or they might need to change a number of things. One Step at a Time However, the sooner one begins this process; the sooner they will be able to change how they feel. And just like if one was to build a puzzle - they wouldn’t be able to put it together all at once, they would have to put it together piece by piece. The same applies to making changes in one’s life; it is a gradual process and not something that will happen overnight. It will be important for one to be able to handle frustration and to delay gratification. The Pull Although one wants to change, there is still going to be the pull of what is familiar. Just because one’s behaviour is having a negative effect on their life, it doesn’t mean that one can simply let go and do something else. This is why one will need to remind themselves of what will happen if they continue to behave in the same way and to use the pain that it creates to drive them forward. Through their commitment to this process, they will gradually change how they feel. Persistence So if one sticks with this process, they might notice subtle changes or they could feel completely different. This could mean that one goes from feeling depressed to feeling as though they are alive once more. One could find that they are no longer as angry and that they are able to feel more at peace. Perhaps they used to suffer with anxiety and this has now settled down or even disappeared. Behaviour While some people are going to believe that it is always one’s behaviour (or even their thoughts) that defines how they feel, there are going to be others who have a different outlook. One could find that although they have changed their behaviour, they still end up feeling the same. There is then a difference but it soon ends, and one may feel as though they are simply denying how they really feel. This could mean that one ends up focusing on their thoughts instead and tries to change how they feel that way. Another Reason However, what if the reason one feels as they do has nothing to do with their behaviour or even their thoughts? Now, it is clear that how one behaves will have an impact on their thoughts and feelings, and one’s thoughts will also play a part in how they feel and behave. But this doesn’t mean that one’s behaviour or their thoughts are always defining how they feel. This is because their thoughts and behaviour could be triggering feelings that already exist within them. Feelings It is often said that one’s thoughts create their feelings, but this is a half truth. The other side of this is that one’s feelings can be triggered by what is going on in their head and this means they are not always caused by one’s thoughts. This could cause some people to say that this is because one is not aware of the thoughts they are having, and this is why their feelings seem to come out of nowhere. Yet, even though this may appear to shine the light on what is taking place, it doesn’t take into account the fact that there are more inputs going into the thinking brain from the emotional brain than the other way around. What Does This Mean? What this shows is that what is going in the mind is often just the tip of the iceberg, and that it is what is going on underneath that is in control of one’s life. This area under the iceberg could be described as one’s unconscious mind; another way of looking at it would be to say that it relates to what is going on in one’s emotional body. During the beginning of one’s life, their thinking brain wouldn’t have been fully developed and in operation; this is something that is said to develop around the age of three to five. This was therefore a time where it would have been about feelings and not thoughts. Emotional Build-Up The kind of experiences one had during these early years can end up defining whether they have an emotional build up as an adult. Although this is likely to be a time where just about everyone experiences some kind of emotional pain, there are going to be some people who experienced more pain than others and they can carry it around with them as an adult. Time goes by, and while one may still experience how they felt as a child, they might not be able to see the connection. This is not to say that the experiences one has after these early years won’t have had an effect on how they feel, what it can mean is that these experiences can just add to the emotional build up that already exists. Awareness So if one can’t change how they feel by changing their behaviour, it could mean that they have an emotional build up. What happened in the past is in the past, but how one felt during those experiences may have stayed trapped in their body. The assistance of a therapist, healer and/or a therapist is likely to be needed here. Through their support, one will be able to get in touch with how they feel and to gradually release the emotional build up within them. If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article, as many others have. Oliver J R Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk/ In today’s world, it could be said that there are certain emotions that are seen as acceptable and some that are not. And what is seen as acceptable to one gender is not necessarily seen as acceptable to the other. While a woman can come across as being sad without being judged, if a man was to come across in the same way, there is a strong chance that he would be labelled as being ‘weak’. Just as if a man was to come across as angry it might be seen as normal and yet if a woman was angry, there could be a difference response. This is how it has been for many, many years and even though men and women have more freedom than they did in the past to be who they want to be, the is still pressure to be a certain way. It takes time for change to occur and while so much has been achieved, there is still work to be done. The Ideal When it comes to one’s ability to feel emotionally whole, it is going to be important for them to embrace how they feel. To accept one feeling and to deny another is going to set them up to experience problems further down the line. In the beginning they might not notice anything, but as time passes, they will soon experience life differently. It is not only going to affect how they feel, it could also have an effect on their body. Physical Symptoms One can then end up with physical aches and pains that have been caused by the emotions that they have denied. However, if one is not aware of what they have denied within them, they might not realise what is taking place. Instead, one could just reach for the pain killers or end up having endless massages as a way to deal with their physical pain. But whether one takes certain pills or has massages, it is only going to lead to a short-term solution. A Different Approach This is a process that could go on for the rest of their life, but if one wants to try a different approach and one that may lead to a different outcome, it will be important for them to look at what they are not facing within them. One may find that they have some emotional work to do and/or that they need to integrate a certain emotion. If they need to process an emotional experience that has remained within them from the past, their body should feel different once it has been dealt with. Integration Through this, one may find that they are able to embrace an emotion that they used to deny. This is because the emotional experience of thier past may have stopped one from feeling that it is safe for them to express a certain emotion. Even though one may believe that some emotions are acceptable and others are not, this doesn’t mean that this is the truth. Their past experiences and people they associate with are likely to have caused them to form these beliefs. Guidance Every emotion that one has is fine, that doesn’t mean that one has to express how they feel and yet it doesn’t mean that one has to deny it. What it means that one accepts how they feel and contains what is going on with them. At times it will be important for one to express how they feel and at others, it won’t. Ultimately, one’s emotions are there as guidance; they are not good or bad. Through embracing this information, one is going to experience life differently to how they would if they ignored this guidance or completely cut themselves off from it. Anger If one was to disconnect from their anger for example, they are likely to end up feeling powerless. When one is in touch with their anger it doesn’t mean they walk around angry all the time, it means they will know when something isn’t right in their life. This could mean that they have been compromised or it could mean that they are not doing what they need to do (and are therefore compromising themselves). Their anger is then the force that drives them forward and allows them to do what they need to do. Disconnected Through being disconnected, one is likely to end up being passive and it could be a challenge for them to have boundaries. And as a result of them not being able to stand their ground and to know when something isn’t right, they could end up feeling depressed. Their anger is not there to guide them and one can then end up feeling like a victim. Yet in order for their life to change, it is going to be important for them to integrate their anger. Associations While some people feel comfortable with their anger, there are others who feel uncomfortable with it. The first has integrated it and the other person has end up being disconnected from it. This could mean that they attract people who have anger problems and they feel uncomfortable with people who do express their anger. So as one’s anger plays an important part in one’s ability to survive and thrive, it shows that something isn’t right. Abandonment At a deeper level, one could fear that if they were to get angry, they would be abandoned. It could be said that it is not possible for one to be abandoned as an adult and that his would only apply if they were a child. However, even though this makes logical sense, it doesn’t mean that one feels this way emotionally. Although one looks like an adult, it doesn’t mean that they feel like one. Neglect Based on how they feel, it can be a sign that one was neglected during their early years and this has affected their emotional development. At this age, being left would have felt like death and this is because they would have had the ability to regulate what was going on within them. The years have passed and one no longer looks the same as they did all those years ago, but they still feel the same. The pain of the past has remained trapped in their body and is still defining their life. Awareness For one to experience emotional freedom and to no longer hide their anger, they are going to need to process the emotional experiences that have stayed within them. As this takes place, one will gradually be able to embrace how they feel and to no longer suppress themselves. This can take place with the assistance of a therapist, healer, and/or a support group. If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article, as many others have. Oliver J R Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk/ There are people who like to take their time when it comes to the beginning of a relationship, and then there are others who go in head first. And based on how they behave, it is safe to say that they are both having a different inner experience. However, just because one may have a pattern of behaving in a certain way, it doesn’t mean that they will always behave in the same way. It could all depend on how they feel internally and on the effect the other person has on them. It is said that the best way to find out how someone will behave in the future is to look at how they have behaved in the past. This is because human beings are creatures of habit and tend to do the same things over and over again. Change There is also the chance that someone will change and do something else, but they might not. If one is doing something that is having a positive impact on their life then there would be no reason for them to change. The problems will arise when they end up doing something over and over again that is not having a positive impact on their life. So instead of one being able to move forward, they end up going backwards. Patience If one takes their time when they meet someone, they might say that this is the best approach as it allows them to see what the other person is like. One could say that a company wouldn’t just hire another person without finding out about them first. This could be classed as the logical approach and one that may lead to the best outcome. Their body may want things to progress a lot faster and their heart might feel drawn to the other person, but they are able to delay gratification. Impatience When one doesn’t take their time, it could be said they ignore their head or that they just trust their intuition. It then like hiring someone based on how one feels about the other person and not because of their credentials. To some people, this approach is going to be seen as being illogical and the one that is likely to lead to the worst outcome. They are being guided by their body and their heart, and it is not possible for them to delay gratification. Black And White However, whether this relates to someone’s personal relationships or to someone who employers others, there are going to examples that support both outlooks. There are going to be people who go with how they feel and end up with people who are perfect for them. Just as there will be people who hire people based on how they feel and they end up with the ideal employee. It is then not about one approach being better than the other; as they will both have a time and a place. Is It Working? If one is getting attached too soon and ends up with the wrong kind of people and gets hurt, it is then going to be important for them to try another approach. To get attached straight away might be what feels right and if this is the case, it is going to a challenge for them to do something else. While one’s feelings can be an expression of their intuition, they can also be the result of emotional pain that they have not processed. So as one heals their pain, their intuition is likely to improve. Getting Attached Based on how one feels when they meet someone, it might not matter whether the other person is right for them or not. The fact that they are there could be enough for one to get attached to them. Their friends may even warm them and say the other person is not right for them and one may see the signs themselves. But their feelings take over and it doesn’t matter what is taking place in their head or what others say. Conflict This may be how one has behaved for many years and they might not be able to see that there is another way, and that their mind can work with their body. As one ends up being attached to others so soon, it would be easy to say this is because of the effect other people have on them, but this is not the complete truth. It also comes down to what is taking place within them and how this is behind their need to merge with other people. If it was only about what takes place externally, then one wouldn’t be able to do anything about what is happening. Abandonment One is likely to have a fear of being abandoned and through becoming attached to another person; it allows them to regulate how they feel. They are going to believe that if they attach to them, they won’t be left. But their behaviour could have the opposite effect and end up pushing other person away. The reason they feel as they do is likely to be the result of what happened during their childhood. Childhood This is likely to have been a time where one’s caregiver/s was emotionally and physically unavailable. To be left during these early years would have felt like death and this is because one wouldn’t have had the ability to regulate their emotions. And as they were left during these years, there is also the chance they ended being smothered. This could be described as a natural consequence of having a caregiver that was out of touch with their needs. Awareness So while one may get attached to others too soon due to the fear of being abandoned, they might also end the relationship because they end up feeling smothered. One’s childhood is long behind them, but the emotional experiences of the past have remained within them. The assistance of a therapist or a healer will enable one to face and release their trapped emotions. If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article, as many others have. Oliver J R Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk/ |
Oliver JR CooperAuthor of 26 books, Transformational Writer, Teacher & Consultant. Introductory Consultation
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Disclaimer
That which is contained within these articles is based on my own empirical understanding and is true for me at the time they were written. However, as I continue to grow, what I perceive as the truth will inevitably change and as a result of this - parts of these articles may not reflect my current outlook.
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