If one wanted to go on holiday somewhere and they had to save a certain amount of money in order to go, it would be important for them to keep their spending down until they have saved the amount they need. It could be said that this is common sense, and while there is no denying this, it doesn’t mean that this is something that always takes place.
When this is something that takes place, it is likely to be only a matter of time before they are able to go away. But if it takes longer than they expect it could be because they need to pay for other things during this time, or it may be a sign that the holiday ends up costing more than it did before. Delaying Gratification Now, this is not to say that won’t they have moments where parts of them will want to spend their money on other things; what it means is that they will generally be able to rise above it. Their priority will be to save money and this will be what stops them from wasting their money on the things they don’t need. Another way of looking at this would be to say that they have the ability to delay gratification and this will make it easier for them to tolerate frustration. It could also be said that they know how to be patient in life. It Matters One way of looking at this would be to say that the reason why they are able to delay gratification and to tolerate the conflict within them is because they are working towards something that matters. And that if this wasn’t the case, it would be a lot harder for them to keep going. However, there are going to be others who want to achieve something and even though they have the ability to delay gratification, for instance, it still might not be possible for them to achieve it. In this case, the conflict within them could be so strong that they are unable to move forward in life. Inner Conflict It could be said that it is normal for one to have moments in their life where parts of them want different things. And this is because even though there is only one of them, there are a number of different aspects within them. While there is their adult self, there is also their child self, as well as the parental figures that live within them. So through having these different aspects, it is to be expected that one will have moments where they will experience inner conflict. Inner Dialogue And when they experience this conflict, it will be important for them to listen to each part of themselves. This is then similar to how a loving parent would talk to their children, and through acknowledging each part; it will be a lot easier for them to function. In this sense, the adult part of them will be the part that makes sure everything is running smoothly as opposed to being enslaved to another part of them. When it is possible for one to experience life in this way, they may have been this way for most of their life, or it could be a fairly recent occurrence. Self-Regulation So when one can generally regulate their own system, it can be a sign that their early years were a time where their needs were met, and this means that they would have received the right kind of nurturing. Along with this, they may also have taken the time to develop themselves in their adult years. At the same time, this may have been an ability that they developed during their adult years, and this could mean that their childhood was less-than nurturing. Their adult years may then have been a time where they had to deal with trauma, process an emotional build-up and develop a new inner voice, among other things. Inner Strength Through doing this, it would have caused them to develop inner strength and it would then have allowed them to experience self-control, among other things. This could have been something that took a few years or it could have taken even longer. But regardless of how long it took for them to achieve it, it will be seen as something that was worth the effort. When one hasn’t got the ability to regulate their system, it can be a lot harder for them to achieve something. Conflict One could then be in a position where a part of them stops them from taking action and it might not matter how much they want to achieve something. It could then be normal for one to feel as though they have no control over their life. If they were to take a closer look at the part of them that is causing them to experience conflict and therefore to sabotage their life, they may find out that they feel worthless. Through feeling this way, it is going to be a sign that they are carrying toxic shame. Examples One may want to be in a loving relationship or to have fulfilling career, but while this is what they want, they are also not going to feel as though they deserve it. They could be in a dysfunctional relationship and while they want to leave, they will also feel as though they don’t deserve to experience life differently. They may find that other people don’t notice them and although they want to change this, they may also fear that other people would realise how flawed they are if they were to see them. So while one can have the need to do something, all the time they are carrying toxic shame it is unlikely to happen. The Cause When one is carrying toxic shame, it could mean that their childhood was a time where they were abused and/or neglected. At the same time, this may also be something that occurred through what has taken place in their adult life. Awareness Either way, it will be important for one to reach out for support here, and this could be from a therapist and/or a support group. During this time, one may need to grieve their unmet childhood needs, discharge the shame that is within them and receive the positive regard that they didn’t receive all those years ago.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk/
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If one had their eye on a new car and they were to take it for a drive, they are likely to find out that it drives well. Along with how it drives, it is also likely to be a comfortable experience.
So if they are currently driving a car that is on its way out, this experience is going to be radically different to what they are used to. This is not to say they won’t feel comfortable inside the car, but that is going to be as far as it goes. Worn Out One way of looking at this would be to say that the car they have is worn out and the time has come for them to buy a new one. They are not in a position where they are looking to buy a new car for the sake of it; they are in a position where they need to buy a new car. This could be car that they have had for well over a decade or it might only be a matter of years, for instance. If they had only had it for a few years, it could be said that the car didn’t last for very long; however, there could be more to it. An Old Car What this comes down to is that their car may have had a previous owner, and this means it would have had plenty of use before they ever bought it. In fact, there is also the chance that it has had number of owners. Either way, the car they have will have been used a lot and it will be time for the car to be recycled. Now, while it could be said that this is a normal part of having car; what wouldn’t be normal is if a car just stopped working and couldn’t be fixed no matter what was done to it. A Mystery The car could be taken to a garage and they could conduct a diagnosis, and after doing this, they may believe that they have located the problem. But once they have fixed it, the car might still not work. This process could on for a while and this may then cause one to take the car somewhere else. And once again, the same process could go on again and it might not be long until they start to wonder what is going on. A Closer Look So even though the car looks fine from the outside as well as from the inside, it still won’t work. If this was a human being as opposed to a car, it could be said that it has lost the will to live. It has the ability to be driven by people, but it no longer has the desire to be driven by anyone. If the car was in position where it had come to the end of its life, it could be said that it would be normal for the car to longer have the will to live. Human Beings This is then similar to how a human being can get towards the end of their life and feel as though they are ready to move on, or they can lose the will to live while they still have a life to lead. From the outside, they can look as though everything is fine, but if someone was to look within them, they would soon see that this is not the case. They may find that they don’t want to be here any longer, or they could find that while part of them does want to be here, a bigger part of them doesn’t. This is likely to show that they believe their life doesn’t have any meaning. Pain Also, this may also mean that they are in a lot of pain, and while this pain may relate to how they feel and what is going through their mind, it could also relate to what is physically taking place for them. And as a result of what is taking place, it is unlikely to matter whether the sun is shining or if it is raining; their outlook is unlikely to change. While this could also be a sign that they are generally isolated from others people, this might not be the case. There could be a number of people in their life who are there for them. Day To Day Life They could be in a position where they pretend that everything is fine, and this may mean that the majority of people they meet don’t even realise what is going on for them. If they have a job where they work with others, they could also view them as someone who simply gets on with their job. If one is able to look into how long they have experienced life in this way, they may find out that this happened after someone passed on or when a relationship came to an end. At the same time, they may see that this is how they have felt for most of their life. Loss When one experiences a loss, it might be possible for them to carry on with their life or they may find that they are unable to carry on. What this comes down to is that not every loss that one experiences is going to have a big effect on them. But if one has lost a loved one, for instance, it could be said that it is going to be normal for them to lose the will to live. If one has felt his way for most of their life, it could be a sign that they experienced a loss during their younger years, and while this could mean that someone passed on; it may mean that they were abused and/or neglected. Grief The grief they experienced through not getting their developmental needs met is then trapped within them, and until this grief is processed, it is going to be challenge for them to experience life differently. But if the grief relates to what has taken place in their adult years, it will also be important for them to face the pain that is within them. Awareness This is something that is unlikely to happen overnight and it will be important for one to reach out for support. While this can be provided by friends and family, it can also be supplied by a therapist and/or a support group. During this time, it will be important for one to cry out the pain that is within them, among other things. Through engaging in this process, it may gradually be possible for one to find meaning and the will to live.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk/
The internet has given people the chance to express themselves in a number of ways, and while this can be for their own benefit; it can also be for the benefit of others. This is not to say that one can’t make a difference by doing something for themselves, as this is not always going to be the case.
However, when they set out to create something that will make a difference to other people, there is a greater chance that they will have a bigger impact on their life. For example: if one was to edit a picture of themselves and then to share it on social media, they are unlikely to cause other people to see the world differently, for instance. A Picture At the same time, if one looked different in the picture or edited it in a way that caused them to stand out, they might inspire other people to do the same thing. Other people could then copy what they see in order to look different and they might even do it to gain more attention; this could then have a positive effect on how feel about themselves. If one wanted to have a positive effect on others, they could end up taking a picture and then writing something on the picture. This may mean that not only will other people be inspired by it; they might also share the picture with their ‘friends’. Increased Exposure And while they could share the image because they like what it says, they could also share it because of how it will make them look. Along with this, it could also be seen as a way for them to gain ‘likes’ and comments. What this shows is that there are a number of reasons as to why one would share something. But while sharing a picture with words on could be seen as the being better than sharing an image of oneself; a video could be seen as an even better option. Videos This comes down to that fact that a lot of people would rather watch something than read something. There is no need for someone to think; they only need to sit back and watch what is taking place. Through doing this, they will be able to save energy, and while there are going to be some people who work hard and need times where they don’t have to think; there are likely to be others who will try to avoid thinking altogether. So if one wanted to create a video that had a positive effect on other people, they are going to have a number of options of choose from. Options They may feel the need to create some kind of motivational video or video what is happening place to the environment, for instance. There could be something that is taking place in their society that they want to bring people’s attention to. If this is the case, it could be a sign that they have seen a one gender being treated badly or people of a certain sexual orientation being violated in some way. However, even if they don’t have something in mind, it is not going to take them very long to find something that is not right in world. Social Experiment What they could then do is to go to an environment where something unjust is taking place and to play the part of someone who would usually be treated in a certain way. Through doing this, it will be a lot easier for them to get the footage that they need. Whereas if they were to just go somewhere, they would need to wait until someone is treated badly or taken advantage of, for instance. Therefore, they will be taking a more active approach. Sharing the Content Once they have recorded a certain amount of footage and then removed the footage they don’t need, they are likely to have a powerful video to share. And depending on what the video cover, it might not be long until they will have received thousands of views. Some of the people who watch the video may have been exposed to this experience for the first time, and this is then going to cause them to think differently. However, even if someone has been exposed to it before, it will give them a reminder of something that shouldn’t be taking place. A Reaction What this comes down to is that a lot of people are going to watch the videos and then they are going to experience a strong reaction. It could be said that this will be the perfect response, as someone is more likely to share the video. But even if they don’t share the video, it could mean that they end up writing a comment and talking to other people about what they have seen. And if the purpose of the video is to create more awareness around something that is taking place, this is going to be the ideal scenario. Intention In this case, it is going to show that they don’t have a hidden agenda; they only want to show people what is taking place. Now this is not to say that they haven’t been affected in the same way in the past (or that they are no longer being effected in the same way); what it comes down to is that they are not trying to deceive anyone. But while some people will create these videos in order to inform others about what is taking place, there are going to be others who have a different intention. Yet what can make it difficult for someone to realise this is if they react to what they see. Critical Thinking Through experiencing a strong reaction, it can make it hard for them to think critically, and it is then going to be a challenge for them to realise what is actually taking place. What could also play a part here is if one already has a certain outlook; the video is then going to validate what they already believe. As a result, they are not going to feel the need to look any closer; the video is then going to be seen as just another piece of evidence. If someone was to settle themselves down and to take a closer look, they may soon find out that they have been deceived. Actors There is the chance that not only is the person who is being taken advantage of an actor, but the people who take advantage of them are also actors. Now, it could be said that these other actors are doing what other people would usually do and while this could be the case, it might not be. Nevertheless, even if they are doing what other people would usually do, they are still actors. So this will show that they are not actually conducting a ‘social experiment’, they are simply acting out a scene in public. A False Reflection In this sense, what they are presenting is not an accurate reflection of what is taking place in the real world. It would be more accurate to say that they are presenting a certain scenario in order to trigger a certain reaction in other people. This is then similar to how the mainstream media gives exposure to certain events in order to control how people feel. But if they are not trying to get a certain response from people, it could be because they see this as another way to gain attention. Attention Seeking If they were to post a lot of pictures of themselves, they might end up being seen as an attention seeking, but through creating a video like this, they can be seen in a different light. Their attention seeking behaviour is then going to be overlooked by a lot of people and they can end up disconnecting from the real reason why they are doing what they do. Conclusion So when they are done right, they can create awareness around things that need to change, but when they are not done right, they can create even more problems. For example, if someone was to watch a number of these videos and they were to find out they are not real, they could end up ignoring the real occurrences. They could see them and come to believe that it’s just another ‘social experiment’ and instead of dong something, they could carry on with their life. This is then similar to the boy who cried wolf. What this shows is how important it is for one to take the time to think about why they want to create a video like this, and if it is to receive attention, it would be a good idea for them to find something else to do. If one was only sharing the video with a few friends who realised what was happening it might not matter, but as so many people can view the video online, it is important for one to think about what consequences may arise before they share a video.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk/
If one was to prepare their favourite meal, there is a strong chance that they will end up enjoying the meal once it was ready. What is unlikely to happen is that they will end up feeling as though they are doing something wrong during this time.
Another way of looking at this would be to say that one will be putting their needs first and they will feel good about it. Along with this, they could also find that they are able to fulfil the other needs that they have without feeling guilty. The Right Way It could be said that this is the right way to experience life, as it will give one the chance to live a fulfilling life. This is not to say that their needs will always be met, but what it does mean is that they will be used to having them met. As a result of this, they are unlikely to feel as though they are living someone else’s life, or that they are doing what other people want them to do. So when they are there for others, it is likely to be because they want to be there for them. The Meal Therefore, if they were to feel guilty whilst they were eating a meal, it could be a sign that they are late for an appointment. They feel as though they are doing something wrong, but it is for another reason altogether. However, even though one can prepare their favourite meal and then eat it without feeling guilty, it doesn’t mean that they will comfortable putting the rest of their needs first. They could find that this is one of the few times in their life where they are able to relax. Comfortable When they put other people’s needs first, they could feel as though they are doing the right thing. During this time, they can end up feeling comfortable, but that doesn’t mean that they won’t experience inner resistance at the same time. They could be in a position where they are all too aware of this resistance, or it could be something that they are generally able to overlook. There could be times when this resistance appears and times when it disappears, for instance. Self-Neglect This could then mean that it is going to be normal for one to neglect themselves and to focus on other people’s needs. They might not even be aware of what their needs are most of the time, but even if they are, it is not going to make much of a difference. Yet this doesn’t mean that they will let other people know about how they feel, as they could come across as though everything is fine. In fact, they could be known as someone who is generally happy and always willing to help others. Deep Down But even though this is how they come across around others, it doesn’t mean that this is what they will be like behind the scenes, so to speak. When they are by themselves, they could end up feeling depressed. Based on how they experience life, it is going to be normal for them to feel this way, and this is because they can feel as though they have no control over their life. They may even go through moments where they feel like a victim. Anger What this is likely to show is that they are generally disconnected from their anger, and this is then going to stop them from speaking up. If they were to speak up or to go about fulfilling their own needs, they would end up feeling as though they are doing something wrong. And all the time they feel this way, their life is not going to be a reflection of their own needs; it will be a reflection of their need to please others. But while some people will notice what is taking place, there are going to be others who believe that they are doing the ‘right’ thing. Another Experience However, even though some people will end up completely sabotaging their life, there are going to be others who will carry on regardless. This is not to say that they won’t have moments where they will sabotage their life, but this won’t be what always takes place At the same time, it is likely to be a challenge for them to enjoy their life, as they can still feel as though they are doing something wrong. They could achieve something and no matter how hard they have worked to achieve it, they could feel as though something is missing. Inner Conflict All the time they are experiencing this inner conflict, it is not going to be possible for them to live a fulfilling life. It could then be normal for them to have moments where they think that they are on the wrong track in life. Their well-being is going to be effected and unless they are able to let go of the guilt that they are experiencing, they are going to continue to suffer unnecessarily. There is the chance that they are experiencing life in this way due to what took place during their childhood years. The Reason During this time, one may have had a caregiver who used them to take care of their own needs. So while there were a child who needed someone to take care of their own needs, they had to ignore their own needs and to act like a parent. This would have set them up to feel ashamed of their own needs and to feel guilty for having them. Through experiencing this, it is going to be normal for them to believe that other people’s needs are more important than their own. Awareness In order for one to feel comfortable with their own needs, it will be important for them to question what they believe and they may need to look at what is taking place at an emotional level. They may find that they have unmet childhood needs that need to be grieved, and they may also find that they are sabotaging their life out of their loyal to their caregiver/s. This is a process that can take place with the assistance of a therapist and/or a support group, and if one has the need to be loyal, they may need to have a family constellation.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk/ Make Up: Can Wearing A Lot Of Make Up Make It Harder For Women To Accept Their Appearance?18/1/2016
Even though one generation can start to experience something around a certain age, it doesn’t mean that the next generation will start to the experience the same thing around the same age. There is the chance that one generation will end up starting something far earlier than the generation before them.
And depending on what this relates to, someone could say that this is a good thing or a bad thing, or that it is simply neutral. For example, if one was to speak to a number of women in their fifties and they were to ask them about when they first started wearing makeup, they might find out that this was something that generally took place in their early twenties. Nowadays However, if they were to ask the same question to a number of women who are in their twenties, they may find out that this was something that took place before they were even a teenager. Therefore, by the time they were in their teenage years, they had a good understanding of how to use make up. But while it could be said that this is not something that is going to apply to every woman who is in their twenties, there are going to be plenty of women who can relate to it. Along with this, it could also be said that not every woman who is in her fifties will have had her first experience of make up during her early twenties. A Different World So although there are going to be exceptions here; what can’t be overlooked is the fact that today’s world is very different to how it was in the past. One way of looking at it would be to say that we live in a permissive age. It is not uncommon for older generations to be shocked by what children and young adults are allowed to get away with. Yet at the same time, it would be inaccurate to say that this is anything new, as it could be said that this is something that has always taken place to one degree or another. A Greater Change Having said that, there are some generations that go through greater changes than others do during their early years, and it could be said that this is something that applies to the younger generation in today’s world. It has been said that children are forced to grow up to soon nowadays, and through feeling more mature, it is only normal for them to want to dress like an adult. It has been sad that the mainstream media plays a big part in this, and along with this, technology is also said to play a significant part. But while wearing make up at a younger age can cause a girl to have a better understanding of it as she gets older, it can also cause her to have a greater dependence on it as she gets older. Normal Once she gets into her teenage years, it can end up being seen as normal part of life, and this can mean that she will feel the need to wear it at all times. In this sense, it might not be something that she will add to accentuate certain features; it could be something she will need in order to look right. If this was to happen, it would be a sign that she has ended up becoming dependent on make up. She may believe that it is not something that she can use to accentuate certain features; it is something she needs in order to completely change how she looks. In General This is not to say that a woman had to start wearing make up at such a young age in order to have this outlook, as it is an outlook that can occur regardless of when she first started wearing it. Nevertheless, when she does wear it, she could end up feeling good about herself. On one side, this could be because of how she looks in the mirror, and on the other side, it could be due to how other people respond to her. These two sources can then come together and she can end up accepting her appearance. When It Comes Off If she was to take her make up off or even to cut down on the amount she used, she could soon find that she no longer feels as good as she did before. And it might not matter whether she is around other people or by herself. The reason her inner state could change is likely to be because she will end up looking radically different. So even though she is still the same person; she could end up looking like someone else. It’s Normal Now, if she was to talk to someone about how she feels when she takes her make up off or when she doesn’t wear as much, they may reassure her and tell her that she looks fine, for instance. It could be said that this is the kind of response that she should receive if she was talking to a friend. Yet without even reassuring her, what a friend could say is that it is normal that she feels the way she does. For so long, she has been accustomed to looking a certain way, and as she doesn’t look that way when she takes her make up off and when she doesn’t wear as much, it is to be expected that she will find it hard to accept how she looks. For Example If she was someone who added a lot of salt to her food and then she cut back, there is a good chance that the food wouldn’t taste as good as it did before. But while the food doesn’t taste good, it doesn’t mean that the food isn’t very good; it simply comes down to that fact that she added so much salt to begin with. And through removing the salt that had enhanced the food for so long, it created a contrast between how the food tasted and how the food tastes. So if she was to use a lot of make up and then cut down, a similar contrast will also be created. Conclusion Therefore, it is not that she did look good and now she doesn’t; it is that she became accustomed to a certain appearance. And through letting go of how she looked through wearing so much make up, she may gradually begin to accept what she looks like without it or by not wearing as much. However, in order for a woman to gradually accept her appearance, it may also be necessary for her to realise her own self-worth. This is something that can take place through reading books that go into this area and then applying what has been learnt, but if this is not enough, she may need to seek the assistance of a therapist.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk/
If one was to watch a sports game, they would see that there are players on the field and that there are players on the bench. As a result, it could be said that the people who are playing are going to be a lot happier than the people who are not playing.
This is because when one plays a certain sport, they are going to want to play; they are not going to want to watch other people play. But even if one was on the bench and they were not at full fitness, for instance, they are still likely to want to get involved. Staying On When one is playing, they are not going to want to come off, and they could have this outlook even if they were to pick up an injury. If they were to experience pain, they might see if they can shake it off, so to speak. Yet even if they were tired and didn’t have a physical problem, they may still want to stay on for as long as they can. Ultimately, they are going to be doing something they enjoy doing and so they are going to want to stay on until the end of the game. Coming On However, if one is on the bench, they are going to be itching to come on, and only way this is going to happen is if someone else comes off. But just because someone comes off, it doesn’t mean that they will get the chance to come on. This comes down to the fact that one is likely to play in a certain position and unless someone comes off who plays in the same position, they might not be going on. If this is not the case and one goes on anyway, it could be due to a tactical change, for instance. Everyday Life What this comes down to is that human beings are here to embrace life as opposed to watching life from the sidelines. And there are going to be people some people who do embrace life, there are going to be others who don’t. When one is connected to life, it doesn’t necessarily mean that they will always be involved, but at the same time, they are not going to be used to being disconnected from it. If on the other hand, one is disconnected from life; they could be in a position where they are rarely involved. Involved Through being connected to life, one is going to be like player that is on the pitch; they will be taking part. Another way of looking at this would be to say that not only will they be in touch with their needs; they will also be fulfilling their needs. Their life could be filled with a sense of passion and purpose, and they might be only too happy to wake up each day. They will know what it is like to take action and to move towards what they want to achieve. Relationships This may mean that they are in a romantic relationship, but even if this is not the case, they could still have a number of people in their life who they feel close to. So whether they want to talk about something personal or whether they want to go somewhere for the day, there will be people they can get in touch with. If they are around people they don’t know, they may also find that they are able to reach out to them. Therefore, if they were to be by themselves, it is likely to be something that is taking place through choice. Uninvolved However, if one feels disconnected from life, they are going to be like a player who is not on the pitch. And even if one is in touch with their needs, there is not much chance of them being able to fulfil them. They could find that they rarely experience passion, and they might not feel as though their life has much of a purpose either. And although they might know what it is like to take action, it doesn’t mean that this is something that will take place on a regular basis. Achievement As a result of this, they may be in a position where they rarely achieve what they want to achieve. It could then be normal for them to look at people who are doing well and to experience jealousy, for instance. Relationships This may also mean that they find it hard to experience deeper connections with others, and they might not have many friends in general. In fact, it could be normal for them to feel isolated from others. There could be moments where they imagine what it would be like to be closer to others, as well as to have more people in their life. It could be said that experiencing life in this way is likely to cause one to feel angry, powerless and as though they have no control, among other things. A Closer Look If one experiences life in this way there is the chance that they will feel like a victim, and it is then going to be normal for them to believe that they are not playing a part in what is taking place. Yet if one is aware of why they are experiencing life in this way, this is not going to be the case. But regardless of whether one is aware or not, this can be a sign that they are carrying toxic shame. As a result of this, they will no longer be an embodied human being; they will be a disembodied human being. Toxic Shame What this comes down to is that toxic shame will cause them to not only disconnect from others, it will also cause them to disconnect from themselves. They are likely to feel as though they are completely worthless, and as though they are less-than human. So although they will want to reach out to others and to embrace life, this is going to be something that they will also want to avoid. If they were to do this, they are going to believe that other people will realise how flawed they are and it would also cause their toxic shame to come to the surface, and this is an inner experience that will be incredible difficult to tolerate. Awareness If one is carrying toxic shame, it can be a sign that they were abused and/or neglected during their childhood years. In order for one to move forward, they may need to reach out for support, and this can be provided by a therapist and/or a support group. This can be a time where one will be grieving their unmet childhood needs, discharging the toxic shame that is within them and receiving the positive regard that they didn’t receive all those years ago. While this process is likely to take time, it will be worth it in the long run.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk/
It could be said that there are a number of things in life that one can’t avoid and experiencing loss is one of those things. No matter what one looks like, where they are from, or what their gender is, for instance, it is not going to be possible for them to avoid this experience.
However, this is not to say that everyone will want to acknowledge this fact, and as a result of this, it is going to mean that not everyone will respond in the same way when loss occurs. Therefore, there are going to be people who are able to face loss when it occurs and there are going to be others who are unable to do so. Black and White Having said that, it could be said that life is not this back and white, and just because one doesn’t avoid experiencing a loss that has occurred at one point in time, it doesn’t mean they won’t avoid it at another. But at the same time, there is a strong chance that they have a general way of responding to loss. Another way of looking it would be to say that even though one may respond in a certain way to loss, it doesn’t mean there won’t be times when they will respond differently. There are, of course, exceptions to every rule. One Way When one person experiences loss, they may take the time to grieve the loss, and this will show that they are facing how they feel. This is not to say that they will do this by themselves, as they could have people around them who are there to support them. During this time, one is likely to cry out the pain that is within them and through having the right support around them; it will also give them the encouragement they need to continue. But if they find that they need more support, they might end up reaching out for professional help, for instance. Patience Through being able to go through the grieving process, it could also be a sign that they have a good level of patience. For example, if one has lost a loved one or experienced the end of a relationship, they could be in a lot of pain, and this pain is not going to simply disappear. No matter how much they cry or who they have around them, it could take a while before they are able to find meaning once again. So through having the ability to be patent and to continue with the grieving process, they will gradually be able to embrace life once again. A New Normal Yet this is not to say that their life will go back to how it was, as it is not going to be possible for this to occur. If someone has passed on, for instance, there is a strong chance that their life will never be the same again. As a result of this, it is going to mean that one’s experience on this earth will be different. The person they lost is no longer going to be there, but they will live on in their heart and mind, as well as in the hearts and minds of others. Another Way So while some people will experience loss and grieve the loss, there are going to be other people who don’t go through with this process. This can then mean that they end up disconnecting from how they feel. And although this can mean that they are surrounded by people who generally respond to loss in the same way, this might not be the case. But regardless of this, it is not going to have an effect on how they deal with loss. Carrying On It can then be normal for them carry on as normal and they might not even be away of how they feel. Thus, other people could end up saying that they are ‘strong’ and that they are an example of how someone should behave. But while they can look as though they are strong and that they have it altogether, so to speak; this is going to be nothing more than an illusion. Their heart is likely to be in pain and just because they have disconnected from how they feel, it doesn’t mean that this pain will simply go away. Symptoms As time passes, they may find that they start to experience life differently, and this is because the pain they have disconnected from is likely to be having an impact on their life. If this pain was to have an effect on their life straight away, it would be a lot easier for them to see why they are experiencing life as they are. However, as it can take a while for their life to change, they can end up wondering why they feel as they do and why their life is the way it is. Unless they are able to take a deeper look at what is taking place, they could end up trying to treat the symptoms. Fear of Loss This could mean that they end up feeling depressed, disconnected from others and they could end up developing a fear of loss, among other things. Through having this fear, they can feel the need to keep a close eye on everything they own and when it comes to their relationships, they could try to control others. Through controlling them, they can believe that it will stop them from losing them, and this fear can also cause one to experience a lot of anxiety. But even if they don’t end up trying to control everything, they can still find it hard to relax. Irrational If they are unaware of the pain that is within them that needs to be processed, they can come to believe that this is an irrational fear. They may then end up being told that they need to look into what they believe and then to change these beliefs, for instance. Along with this, they may hear that even though loss is part of life, there is no need for them to fear loss. They may hear that it is important for them to accept that loss is part of life and through accepting this, it will enable them to let go of this fear and to settle down. Awareness However, if one is carrying a lot of pain in their body, it is not going to be enough for them to change what is taking place in their mind. Once they process the pain in their body, it is likely to be a lot easier for them to accept that loss is part of life and then to settle down. If one can relate to this, it will be important for them to cry out the pain that is within them, and if they can’t do this by themselves, it will be necessary for them to reach out for support. This can be provided by a therapist and/or a support group.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk/
If one wanted to go somewhere and they were going to go there by foot, it is going to be important for them to walk forward. Through doing this, it is only going to be a matter of time before they reach their destination.
Now, if one was to take a few steps forward and then to take a few steps backwards, it is going to be a challenge for them to get to where they want to go. While this could mean that it takes them longer; it may also mean that it stops them from getting there. Inner Conflict One way of looking at this would be to say that one is experiencing inner conflict, and until they deal with this conflict, it is not going to be passable for them to reach their destination. If one had a machine that behaved in this way, they might come to the conclusion that it is faulty. The next step might then be for them to have a closer look, or they might end up taking it to the place where they brought it, for instance. If the former was to occur, it could be a sign that they know how to fix the machine. A Deeper Understanding It might then not take long until they have located the problem and it might not be long until it starts to run as it should. But if this is not the case, it may mean that they need to replace certain parts and it could then take a little while before it’s up running once again. Having said that, there is also the chance that the machine is no longer any good and it might then be necessary for them to get rid of it. Yet even if one has no idea about what was going on and decided to take it to someone who does know, they could have a similar experience. Back To Reality It could be said that if one wants to walk somewhere, there is not much chance of them walking forward and few steps and then walking back a few steps. If they didn’t want to walk there, they would either find another form of transport or they wouldn’t bother going there to begin with. However, even though it is highly unlikely that one would do this, it doesn’t mean they won’t stop themselves from moving forward in other areas of their life. When this happens they will have a different destination in mind, so to speak, but they will still be experiencing inner conflict. One Area They may find that they have one area in their life where they are unable to move forward and while this may mean that they get close and then walk away; it could mean that they don’t even get this far. This could be something that has taken place for a short while, or it may have been this way for quite some time. And if it is one area of their life, it may mean that other areas of their life are going as they would like them to go. In this case, it can cause them to experience problems but it is not going to be something that takes over their whole life. For Example One may want to develop a certain skill and one way for to do this could be for them to join some kind of club. Yet while part of them wants to join a club, another part of them might not have the same outlook. As a result of this, they may find that they keep putting it off, or they could find that they always find something else that they have to do instead, among other things. Either way, it is not going to be possible for them to develop the skill that they want to develop. A Big Impact But while this could be something that doesn’t have a big impact on other areas of their life it, this might not be the case. This one area could end up having a negative effect on their whole life. They could end up feeling angry and frustrated, and they might even end up punishing themselves in one way or another, for instance. Ultimately, what they want to achieve is going to remain as something they want to achieve as opposed to something they have achieved. A Number of Areas Alternatively, one could be in a position where they are unable to move forward in a number of areas of their life. This is likely to be a sign that they have a lot of conflict within them and as a result, it could be a challenge for them to experience a fulfilling life. For example, they may find that they want to move forward in their career, but part of them doesn’t want this to take place and/or they could have the need to be in a romantic relationship, but another part of them might want something else. Along with this, they might want to put their needs first, but another part of them might not feel comfortable doing so. A Closer Look One approach would be for one to take a closer look at what is taking place in their mind. Through doing this, they may find that their beliefs are holding them back and it will then be important for them to change them. At the same time, it might also be necessary for them to take a closer look at what is taking place in their body. This is because they could be carrying an emotional built-up and this build-up will cause their emotional body to be in conflict with their mind. Another Approach But even if they were to work on their mind and their emotional body, they may find that they still experience inner conflict. In this case, it could be a sign that they have the need to be loyal to their family, as well as their ancestors. The reason for this is that is that when one generation doesn’t deal with something, the next generation can take it on out of their need to be loyal. This is done as a way to bring balance into the family system. Loyalty This takes place through choice and it is a way for one to repay the people who gave them life. As a child, one would have believed that they could help the people in their family and their ancestors by taking on their problems; this is something that has been described as a childlike love. However, as these problems had nothing to do with them, it is not going to be possible for them to solve them. Through having the need to be loyal, the child part of them would end up feeling guilty and as though they were betraying the people who gave them life if the adult part of them was to live their own life. Awareness If one can relate to this, it will be important for them to give back to their family and their ancestors what doesn’t belong to them. This is something that can take place through having a family constellation.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk/
If one was to buy a new bed and their bedroom was upstairs, they may find that need someone to help them to take it there. Yet even if the bed hasn’t been built, they may still find that it is too heavy for them to lift by themselves.
It will then be normal for them to ask someone to help them lift the bed upstairs. They could end up asking someone they live with, or they could ask someone they know. On The Other Hand However, while there are going to be people who will reach out for help, there are going to be others who will end up trying to do it by themselves. As a result of this, it will be normal for them to struggle and strain. This could mean that they will end up damaging a few walls in the process and they could even harm themselves. But this could be something that they are prepared to put up with; they could believe that this is small price to pay. One Outlook If they were to tell someone else about what has happened, they might be told that they are very independent. The other person could say that are an example of how to live, and this could be a sign that they look up to them. And while this kind of behaviour could be a one off; it could also be way of life for therm. The idea other people have of them could then be that they are their own island and that they don’t need others. Independent If the people that they associate were to have this outlook, it could be said that it is not much of a surprise. In today’s world, being independent is often seen as the ideal, and if someone is not independent, they are often seen as dependent. Based on this, one is either able to support themselves and do everything on their own, or they are unable to support themselves and they need other people to do everything for them. And when these two options are seen as the only ones available, it is clear to see why being independent is often seen as the ideal. A Deeper Look Yet even though one can believe that they are independent and that they don’t need others, this is nothing more than an illusion. No matter how capable one becomes, they are still going to need other people. This is simply part of life and not something that one should feel bad about. So although one is interdependent, it doesn’t mean that they are able to accept this; it can be normal for them to do everything they can to deny it. Denial They are then going to be in a position where they are unable to embrace the fact that they are not their own island and that they need other people in order to survive and thrive. If they were to come across people that need help from others, they could see them as being weak or incapable. Along with this, they could also have moments where they resent the people who do get help from others. But even though they feel this way from time to time, it doesn’t mean that they will allow this inner experience to stay around; it could soon be pushed out of their conscious awareness. Another Outlook And even though they could have people around them who are the same as them or who want to be the same, they could also have people around them who are different. These people could wonder why they are like they are. Along with this, they could also say that if they ever need any help, they are there to help them. But as long as one has the need to do everything by themselves, it is not going to be a challenge for them to accept their support. Alternatively However, even though there will be people who see themselves as being independent, there are going to be others who see themselves differently. They could realise that they need others, but it might not be possible for them to ask for help. On one side, they will be able to see that they need help, and on the other side, they might wonder why anyone would want to help them. In this sense, it could be said that they believe that their needs are a burden. A Burden Not only will they believe that their needs are a burden to others, they could also believe that they are a burden to themselves, and it is then going to be necessary for them to hide them. It will then be imperative for them to hide them from others and they may also do the best they can to hide them from themselves. Abnormal So regardless of whether one believes that they don’t need help or whether they realise they do, it could be said that they are not comfortable with their own needs. And as human beings are interdependent, there is no reason why one should feel uncomfortable with having needs. For example, one will realise that they need to breathe and they won’t feel uncomfortable with this need. If they did feel uncomfortable with it and stopped themselves from breathing, their life would soon come to an end. Toxic Shame When one can’t ask for help, their life may not come to an end, but what it is likely to mean is that they will suffer in one way or another. And while it is abnormal for them to feel uncomfortable with their needs, there is going to be a reason why they feel this way. While this could be due to what has happened in their adult years, there is a greater chance it is because of what took place during their childhood. During this time, they may have been abused and/or neglected. This would have set them feel as though they are completely worthless and that they are less-than human. And instead of having healthy shame, they would have end up with toxic shame. Expected So through feeling as though they are inherently flawed, it is to be expected that they won’t feel comfortable with their needs. After all, if they are worthless why would anyone want to help them? However, even though they were treated this way, it doesn’t mean that they deserved to be treated in this way. Ultimately, it is nothing more than a reflection of how their caregivers saw themselves, and this may mean that they were also treated in the same way by their caregivers. Awareness If one can relate to his, it will be important for them to reach out for the right support, and this could be from a therapist and/or a support group. This could be a time where one will be grieving their unmet childhood needs, as well as processing the toxic shame that is trapped within them. During this time, one will also receive the positive regard that they need in order to realise that there is nothing wrong them.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk/
Through using social media, one has the chance to share their life with others, and while they can share it with people they know; they can also share it with people they don’t know. This is something that can take place through writing a status or uploading an image, for instance.
A True Reflection This could then mean that one shares different parts of their life, and while they can share the parts they like; they can also share the parts they don’t like. As a result of this, they are not going to be creating the impression that their life is perfect. So if another person was to look through their page, they might see that there are pictures where they look happy and that there are pictures where they have a different expression. Along with this, they may see that they have moments where they are pleased with their life and that they have moments where they are not as upbeat about it. Another Experience If this isn’t the case, it could mean that they only share the moments where they are having a good time. The moments in their life where this is not the case are then overlooked and this could cause other people to believe that they are always happy. But while this could be something that they do to create a certain impression; this might not be the case. What it could come down to is that they don’t want to share their whole life with the world. In The Real World Therefore, if they were speaking to their friends in the real world, they might talk about what is going well and what isn’t. In this sense, they are real in the real world but they are not real online. This could be seen as a sensible approach to take and this is because anyone can see what they share online. And not only that, what they share online can be taken out of context. In Person Whereas when one is talking to someone they know in person, it will give them the chance to explain themselves better. This partly comes down to the fact that they won’t just have words; they will also be able to express themselves through their facial expressions and the way they use their body. And if one has a close relationship with them, it is likely to be easier for them to understand where one is coming from. It could be said that one could send a private message instead of writing on their wall, but this is not going to be the same as having a conversation with someone in the real world. The Other Extreme However, one might not want to share what actually takes place in their life and they might not want to share certain parts of their life either. Instead, they might feel the need to share things that have very little to do with the life they actually lead. If they were to only focus on the good parts, they may feel that their life is not good enough. Also, it could be a sign that their life is not very fulfilling and this then causes them to create a false life. A False Life The kinds of things they write about are then not a reflection of the life they lead; they will have been made up to create a certain impression. Their pictures could also create the impression that they are always happy, for instance, but this could be nothing more than an illusion. Another way of looking at this would be to say that they see social media as a stage and it is then important for them to put on their best performance. And through writing the ‘right’ things and sharing the ‘right’ pictures, it will enable them to put in the best performance. On The Outside Other people can then come to the conclusion that this is a true reflection of their life, and this could then cause them to experience discontentment. They could end up looking up to the person who looks as though they are living the perfect life. They could say to themselves that they would love to experience life in the same way and they may even ask them for advice. But if they were to do this, it is unlikely that the other person is going to be able to help them. One Problem Nevertheless, this is not to say that everyone is going to fall for the false life that they present, as there are likely to be people who realise what is going on. The reason they are able to see that the life they present online doesn’t match up with the life they lead in the real world could be because they see them in the real world. When someone falls for the false like that they present, it could be due to the fact that they don’t even know them. Or even if they do know them, they might not see them enough to realise what is taking place. Conclusion It would be easy to blame social media, but the only thing social media does is provide people with a platform; they don’t tell people how to use the platform they have been given. So if one feels the need to present a false life, it might be important for them to look into why this is. This could mean that they need to work on their own self-worth and that they need to create a life that is fulfilling. If they find it hard to feel good about themselves, it may mean that they need to work with a therapist and/or a support group.
If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article, as many others have.
Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk/ |
Oliver JR CooperAuthor of 26 books, Transformational Writer, Teacher & Consultant. Introductory Consultation
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Disclaimer
That which is contained within these articles is based on my own empirical understanding and is true for me at the time they were written. However, as I continue to grow, what I perceive as the truth will inevitably change and as a result of this - parts of these articles may not reflect my current outlook.
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