Towards the end of last year, I was introduced to someone called Collin Smith, who is also known as ‘The Listener’. Now, this not merely a fancy term that he uses; it relates to what he is actually like.
He is one of the best listeners I have come across, and I don’t say this lightly. Through working with a number of different therapists and healers over the years, I know a good listener when I see one. Another Introduction After we had got together for a drink, Colin put me in touch with someone called Kenny Mammarella-D'Cruz. This was someone who ran men’s groups and offered private sessions, to assist people with their life and business. I thought he sounded like an interesting guy, so I was looking forward to meeting him in person. Meeting someone in person is usually far more appealing to me than taking to them over Skype, for instance, but, unfortunately, this is not always possible. The Time Had Come We ended up meeting at a restaurant in London, near to where Kenny ran the men’s groups, and I just happened to arrive on time. I wasn’t sure if this was going to happen, as I walked nearly three miles to get there. I soon came to the conclusion that Kenny was easy going, full of life, and that it was easy to talk to him. He spoke about the kind of experiences that he had had in the past and I touched upon a number of the experiences that I had had. I Was Amazed One thing that I remember clearly is when he spoke about the work he did with Mother Teresa in Calcutta. Before this, the only time that I had heard about mother Teresa was by reading books or articles online – I hadn’t spoken to someone who had met her in person. The kind of things that Kenny was doing during this time, were the epitome of someone who could truly be there for others. Through hearing different stories, along with what he was like as a person, I came to see why he is committed to assisting others. The Next Phase This was just one part of our time together, though, as I was also going to see what one of his men’s groups were like. I didn’t know what to expect, which meant that I went in with an open mind. Ultimately, this was somewhere where a man could talk about whatever was on his mind; there was no need for him to hide any parts of himself. Being in a group like this reminded me of what it was like at school when I would often feel too uncomfortable to speak out, so I embraced this discomfort whilst I was there. A Supportive Environment This was the ideal place for this to happen, as there was no one there who was interested in shaming me or anyone else for that matter. I vocalised what was going on for me and this made it easier. Everyone had their chance to say something, but they didn’t have to say anything if they didn’t want to. Kenny was then on hand to guide the group and to offer his input if it was necessary. Preparation However, although Kenny was the person who ran the group, it didn’t cause him to come across as someone who knew it all and neither did he act like some kind of Authority figure. He spoke about his own challenges and, if someone was going through a tough time, he asked if anyone else could relate to what this person was going through. I could see how his past experiences had prepared him for this kind of role. The challenges that he had been through hadn’t defined him; they had redefined him, thereby giving him the insight and strength to make a difference in the world. Final Thoughts Unless a man has people in their life who they can truly open up to, it will be normal for them to hide certain parts of themselves. He can then spend time with other men, but he will simply be paying a role. This may mean that he feels the need to act tough and to hide how he feels, or to always be positive and to pretend that nothing fazes him. He will have to hide his true-self and he won’t be able to truly connect with others, which will set him up to suffer and to have a lonely existence. So, if you would like to find out more about Kenny, the groups that he runs, as well as the coaching that he offers, please go to - http://www.kennydcruz.com/
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
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If one’s relationship has just come to an end, they could feel relieved and happy that they can now move on with their life. Maybe, this was a relationship that was no longer working, meaning that it had run its course.
Disconnected For a number of weeks, they might have thought about how they no longer wanted to be with this person. When they were together, their body would have been with them, but their mind would have been somewhere else. They would have no longer have felt the same in their heart, and this might have been something that they battled with for a while. In other words, they may have had moments when they believed that they would soon return to how they felt before. Two Sides Due to this, a friend or a family member could find it hard to get their head around what has just happened. It would have been as if they were getting on fine at one point and, at another, everything fell apart. Nevertheless, if they were to find out what is was like for them when they were in the relationship, it would soon become clear that it wasn’t as it seemed. Having said this, the people in their life might be only too aware of what was going on behind the scenes, so to speak. No Surprise Some of these people might have tried to persuade them to walk away sooner, or they might have just been there to listen whenever they needed their support. One might have told them throughout this time that they wanted to make it work. Yet for whatever reason, this just didn’t happen, and now one can completely focus on the rest of their life. One might not want to find someone else to be with, or they could feel the need to find a new partner. A New Beginning What is likely to be the last thing on their mind is going back with their ex; this is just not going to interest them. The relationship that they had will have fizzled out, so there is going to be no reason for this to take place. This is something that is going to be even more relevant if one has just been in an abusive relationship. In this case, one will have been with someone who didn’t treat them very well. The Only Option It was then not that one simply left their ex because it ‘didn’t work out’; it was due to the fact that it wasn’t safe for them to be with them. Being with this person would have undermined them. Cutting their ties and walking away from them could then have been a matter of life and death. This would have taken a lot of strength, and now it will be vital for them to gradually build themselves up. Moving Forward If one was in a relationship that wasn’t abusive, they might have some grieving to do and it could take them a while to reconnect to their true-self. One could even have been in a relationship that they didn’t want to end, which could mean that they will have a lot of emotional pain to work though. On the other hand, if one was in an abusive relationship, they might have a lot of work to do on themselves. Mentally and emotionally, one would have been worn down by their ex, so it could take a while for them to rise once again. A Pattern One could look back on their life and see that this is not the first time they have been in a relationship like this. There is the chance that they have only been with people who have treated them badly. Taking a break or simply ‘thinking positive’ and changing their behaviour is unlikely to cut it; they might need to look into what is going on within them at a deeper level. There could be the beliefs that they to change and they could be carrying trauma. Another Response While there will be people who do move on from a relationship that was no longer working, there are going to be others who don’t. It is then not going to matter if it was working or if it was abusive, for instance, as they will feel the need to go back to their ex. Now, if one was in a relationship that wasn’t working, there is always the chance that they could make it work. Even so, it might be a good idea for them to look into why they want to get back with their ex. Self- Reflection The dust might have settled, and this could have given one the opportunity to see that they overreacted at times and didn’t realise what they had. Alternatively, one may feel lonely and sad. What this will show is that one wants to get back their ex to avoid how they feel. Getting back with their ex would then be a short-term solution, and it wouldn’t be long until they feel the need to leave them. A Stronger Reaction One is then going to be in a highly emotional state, making it harder for them to think clearly. But if one feels the need to go back to an abusive relationship, there is going to absolutely no reason for them to get back with their ex. Here, one could be experiencing a lot fear, anxiety and panic, and they could feel abandoned, rejected and as though their life is at risk. It is then not that they have taken the time to think things through or that they truly want to be with their ex; it is that they feel as though they need to be with them to survive. Awareness One is likely to be carrying a lot of trauma within them, and it will be imperative for them to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided by a therapist or a healer. When one experiences life in this way, it could show that they were abused during their early years. Being in an abusive relationship will be that feels comfortable, and this will need to change for their life to change.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
While there are plenty of women who are only drawn to men who are kind and respectful, for instance, there are also plenty of women who aren’t. As a result of this, their relationships with men are going to be radically different.
The Norm Still, when it comes to what a woman’s relationship is like or what her relationships have been like in the past, this is likely to be what is normal. If, a woman is with a healthy man or has been with healthy men in the past, this is not going to be a problem. However, if this is not the case, a woman is ether going to be in a relationship that is causing her a lot of pain or she will have been in a number of relationships that have, and this is then going to a problem. This woman could believe that this is just how life is and that there is absolutely nothing that she can do. A Rough Ride So, if she is single, she could look back on the men she has been with and this could be a time when she remembers things that she would rather forget. Her body could fill up with emotional pain and she could have all kinds of negative thoughts. Now, this could be a time when she will wonder why this keeps happening, or she could just believe that she is a victim. If she sees herself as a victim, she may believe that the only way her life will change is if she meets a man who is different. A Battle On the other hand, if she is currently with a man who is abusive, she probably won’t need to look too far back to think of a moment when she felt violated. This could be something that happens whenever she is with him. And while she may do everything that she can to please him, it might not have much of an effect. Ultimately, this is someone who is not going to build her up; he is going to tear her down at every opportunity he gets. Completely Undermined It is then going to be in her best interest to walk away, but she might not have the strength to do so. And, even if she does walk away, it doesn’t mean that the wont end up in the same position shortly after. There is, of course, the chance that she could end up with a guy who is totally different. But in order for her make sure that this happens, it might be necessary for her to look into why she ended up with a guy like this, as well as the other men she has been with who were like this (that’s if she has been with other men like this), and to seek external support. A Short-Term Solution Let’s say that she does manage to leave an abusive relationship but she doesn’t look into what is going on, she could end up with someone very similar. Then again, she could end up with someone who is extremely different. What this could mean is that she might end up with a ‘nice guy’, which means that he is unlikely to treat her badly. In fact, he could treat her better than she has even been treated before. One Extreme to the Other In the beginning, she could appreciate this kind of behaviour and this could cause her to treat him with respect. She could feel relieved that she has met someone like this, while he could be relieved that he has finally found someone to be with. This might not last, though, as she could soon start to get bored and to crave more excitement, and this will cause her to change her behaviour. When this takes place, she could start to treat him badly and he could find it hard to understand how she could be so different to how she was before. Conflict What this can show is that being with a guy who treats her in this manner doesn’t feel right; it would have repelled her. At first, it would have had a positive effect, but that is only because she needed an escape. Deep down, she is going to need to be with a man who treats her badly, makes her feel uncomfortable, and allows her to experience drama and excitement. Due to this, after she has been with a guy like this for a little while, she can feel the need to be with a man who is abusive. Two Options She is then going to be with an abusive man and see herself as a victim, or she will be with a ‘nice guy’ who she victimises. If she was to treat a nice guy badly, she could feel guilty but this doesn’t mean that she will be able to change her behaviour. Yet, as ‘nice guys’ rarely value themselves, a guy like this can put up with her bad behaviour. Instead of setting boundaries or even walking away after being treated badly, they can stay around, thereby causing the woman to lose even more respect for them. A Closer Look This kind of behaviour can be incredibly confusing; nevertheless, what took place during her younger years is likely to have played a big part. When she was growing up, she may have had a father who was abusive. Her connection or her attachment to him would then have been based on trauma, as opposed to love. How she was treated by him would then have become familiar and, therefore, what is safe. An Emotional Rollercoaster This would have been a time when she experienced fear, anxiety, rejection, abandonment, shame, loss, and even terror. These feelings would then have come to be associated as love, which is why she will need to experience these feelings to feel attracted to a man. A ‘nice guy’ or a healthy man is not going to trigger these feelings in her; these kinds of men are going to be too ‘boring’ for her. She is used to living on the edge in life, so peace and quiet is the last thing that she wants. Awareness If a woman can relate to this, and she wants to change her life, it might be a good idea for her to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided by a therapist or a healer. Not only will there be the beliefs that she will need to change; there will also be the trauma that she is carrying. This is a process and not something that will happen overnight.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
A few weeks ago, I was doing a bit of research online for an article that I was going to put together. I was going to write an article about how women are being conditioned to see themselves as victims.
During this time, I came across an article titled: 'Victimhood narrative' taught in schools fuels anxiety in young women, academic claims’. In this article, Dr Joanna Williams had been asked to share her views on one of the ways in which children are being indoctrinated at school. Nailed It I thought that what Joanna said made a lot of sense, and I soon came to the conclusion that this was someone who seemed like a balanced human being. I was also surprised that a publication had given her the chance to share her views. The reason for this is that this was a woman who wasn’t willing to go along with the dominant cultural narrative, whereby all women are seen as victims and all men are seen as perpetrators. I came away thinking that this is someone who is far too sane to be given a platform like this. Another Shock I was also surprised to see that she was a lecturer in higher education at the University of Kent, with this being somewhere that is not too far from where I live. I ended up going onto her website to find out more about her work. There were a number of articles that piqued my curiosity and I saw that she had also been on TV. After watching some of these videos, I got the impression that she was down to earth, mentally balanced, and approachable. Three Books There were also the books that she had written. The first one she wrote, ‘Consuming Higher Education: Why Learning Can't be Bought’ came out in 2012; the second one, ‘Academic Freedom in an Age of Conformity: Confronting the Fear of Knowledge’ came out in 2016; and the third, ‘Women vs Feminism: Why We All Need Liberating from the Gender Wars’ came out in 2017. A Number of Factors Taking all this to account, along with my interest in current affairs, and the articles that I had written about free speech, amongst other things, I thought it would be great to meet her. Initially, I thought that the best way for this to happen would be to see if she had any talks coming up. I soon changed my mind, though, and thought that I could see if she had the time to meet for a coffee. I didn’t think this was likely to happen as she clearly had a lot going on, but I soon came to see that I was wrong. An interesting Interaction When I met Joanna, it could see that how she came across in her writing and when she was on TV was a reflection of what she was like. Thus, the reason she came across as down to earth, authentic, and mentally balanced, was because that is what she is like. I admired the fact that she was someone who had the courage to speak out, instead of just going along to get along. And, due to the amount of pressure there is for people to go along with the dominant cultural narrative, this takes a lot of strength. Final Thoughts I believe that the world needs more people like Joanna; people who not only have a balanced perspective, but who have the courage to speak out and to share their views with the world. There are plenty of people who are not balanced or mentally sane, yet they are given a platform to share their views. When people like Joanna do this, it can make it easier for other people to do the same thing. So, if you would like to find out more about Dr Joanna Williams, please go to – www.joannawilliams.org/.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
Nowadays, there are plenty of people who are offended just about every time they go online, and, the same thing can take place when they are in the real world. This can be because they have seen something has had an effect on them directly, or it might be due to another reason.
Two Experiences When something has affected them directly, it could show that they have read or heard something that has caused them to experience a strong reaction. As a result of this, they can feel the need to do something about it. If it is due to another reason, it could show that one is offended on behalf of someone else or a group of people. One could see themselves as some kind of saviour and believe that it is their duty to stand up for certain people/groups. Virtue Signalling Here, one will have the opportunity to show the world how good they are, and this will allow them to receive positive feedback. There is then no need for them to actually do anything to make the world a better place; all they need to do is to say things online. There will be moments when this will work and there will be moments when it doesn’t. When it doesn’t work, the people who they have taken offence for could be offended by their behaviour. A Reflection-Free Zone If something has affected them directly, it is highly unlikely that they will look into why this is. The fact that they are experiencing a strong reactive will be the only thing that will matter. There is then going to be no reason for them to take a step back and to reflect on why they are reacting in this way. Consequently, there is only going to be one option – which will be to do something about what has affected them. A Common Outlook Therefore, one won’t have played a part in what is taking place within them, it will be the result of what someone else has said or done. Based on this, one is going to be a victim, and this will give them the moral high ground. This is then going to be no different to how someone would be a perpetrator if they were to hit another person randomly; whereas the person they hit would be the victim. In this case, the context will be different, but the outcome will be the same. Justified So, through having this outlook, it is going to be perfectly normal for them to try so silence the person who has offended them or to have something taken down online, for instance. What will define whether someone has done something wrong won’t be the result of anything objective - it will be the result of how they feel. With this in mind, it shows how much control someone will have when their feelings are given so much power. One can then feel as though they are in the right when they are offended and this can also allow them to feel empowered. Selfless One way of looking at this kind of behaviour would be to say that one wants to make the world a better place. This is why they don’t want to be exposed to anything that will make them feel uncomfortable or for anyone else to have the same experience. Their wellbeing will be important and so will other peoples, with this being a sign that one actually cares about others. This is not something that everyone is going to agree with, though. Selfish Another way of looking at this kind of behaviour would be to say that one is completely consumed by their own needs and feelings and they find it hard to empathise with others. One is then not willing to face up to the fact that the world doesn’t revolve around them. Instead, they want to live in a world where they will never hear anything that they disagree with or come into contact with anyone who won’t treat them in a certain way. One is then going to look like an adult, but they will see the world through the eyes of a child. Reality Ultimately, the world doesn’t revolve around them, and this means that it is not going to be possible for them to only be exposed to what they agree with or for people to always treat them in a certain way. This is just not how the world works and, the sooner they realise this, the better their life will be. Also, this might stop them from trying to control what other can and can’t say. Ergo, not only with their life improve, but it will be a lot easier for other people to express themselves. One Big Facade Taking this into account, when someone wants to control what other people say and do, it is not due to the fact that they care about others or that they are moral human beings. No, what it comes down to is that they are developmentally stunted. For one thing, they can’t regulate their own emotions, and this then gives them the desire to control other people. In addition to this, they are likely to have a weak sense of self, with this being the reason why they need to receive positive feedback and validation from everyone. Conclusion When someone needs the world to revolve around them, there is a strong chance that their early years were not very nurturing. Perhaps this was a time when they were abused and/or neglected. This would have meant that they didn’t receive the kind of care that they need to develop a strong sense of self and the ability to handle their emotions, amongst other things. If this is the case, it will be a good idea for them to reach out for external support, and this can be provided by a therapist or a healer.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
If one’s relationship has just come to an end, they could decide to cut their ties and to move on with their life. As a result of this, they are not going to want to stay in touch with their ex.
One Step Back Doing so could be seen as something that will stop them from being able to put the past firmly behind them. And, if one didn’t really get on with the other person or if they simply grew apart, this is going to make perfect sense. In this case, staying in touch would be similar to keeping a car that no longer works – it wouldn’t make sense. Their time with the other person has come to an end and it will be in their best interest to let go. A New Beginning Now that their relationship has come to end, they can focus more of their energy and attention on other areas of their life. They may decide that they want to spend some time in their own company. Through doing this, it will give them the opportunity to get back in touch with who they are. Alternatively, one might not need to do this, as they might already be only too aware of what their needs are. External Feedback The people in their life could understand why they no longer want to speak to the person they were with. If one wasn’t in a relationship that was very healthy, they might be relieved that one is taking this approach. They would have seen the amount of damage that this was doing to them, and they might have even encouraged them to walk away before. But even if their relationship wasn’t unhealthy, they could still support their decision. A Pattern If one was to look back on their life, they may find that this is how they have always behaved. So, no matter what their relationships were like in the past, their behaviour would have been the same. Then again, one might have held on in the past and came to see that this was not doing them any favours. Their change in behaviour will be the result of an experience or a number of experiences that had a big impact on them. A Different Approach But for every person who behaves in this way, there are going to be plenty of others who don’t. When one can relate to this, they are not be able to just walk away; they will need to stay in touch with their ex. Therefore, once one is no longer in a relationship with someone, they will still be part of their life. One is then not going to want to be too close to them, but they won’t want them to be too far away either. Two Experiences If one was in a relationship that wasn’t dysfunctional, it could be said that this kind of behaviour makes sense. But if they didn’t get on, it can be a lot harder to comprehend what is going on. When it comes to the former, they will probably respect each other and there will be all the positive experiences that they had together, and they might have mutual friends. Yet, when it comes to the latter, there is unlikely to be any respect between them and there will be all the negative experiences that they have shared. One Factor What one could find is that staying in touch with their ex makes it easier for them to handle how they feel. This person, as well as their others exes, could provide them with the support that they need to make up for their inner instability. If they were with someone who was abusive, being this way is going to make it harder for them to cut their ties with someone who is not good for them. Their inner instability will cause them to hold on and it would have been one of the reasons why they ended up with someone like this to begin with. Another Factor One’s emotions are going to be out of control and this will make it harder for them to be able to control their behaviour. But while someone who stays in touch with their ex could be emotionally out of control, they could also be emotionally dead. When this takes place, it is not going to be a way for them to settle themselves down; it will be a way for them to gain resources. Having their ex in their life can allow them to have sex, gain money and receive other benefits. Two Extremes The person in the first example probably won’t find it hard to empathise; whereas the person in the second example probably will. Empathy is vital when it comes to being able to treat other people as separate human beings, as opposed to objects that are there to be used. Ergo, when one sees another person as an object that exists to fulfil their needs, it is going to be a challenge for them to realise that this person also has feelings and needs. And, if they were to get to a point where they no longer need them, they could discard them. Awareness If someone does use people, it is unlikely that they would feel the need to change their behaviour. On the other hand, if one feels emotionally unstable, they might look into what they can do to settle themselves down. With that said, if someone can see that they stay in touch with their ex (or ex’s) for the wrong reason, it might be a good idea for them to reach out for external support. This can be provided by the assistance of a therapist or a healer.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk Relationships: Can Someone’s Unmet Childhood Needs Cause Them To Expect Too Much From Others?26/1/2018
Before one gets into a relationship, they can have a rough idea about the kind of person who they want to be with. Along with this, there can be what they expect to receive when they are with them.
If this is the case, there can be what they would like someone to look like and there can be how they would like to be treated by them. One might be willing to change their mind when it comes to the former, but this might not be an option when it comes to the latter. The Priority Now, this is not to say that they will be happy to end up with someone who they are not physically attracted to; what it means is that this is not going to be something that is fixed. For example, they might want to be with someone who has brown hair, but it doesn’t mean that they won’t go with someone who has blond. When it comes to what they expect in a relationship, this could be something that is non-negotiable. If one was to think about what they expect, they could say that they want to be with someone who is: respectful, compassionate, empathetic, affectionate, generous, intimate and considerate. A Realistic List It is then not going to be as though they expect too much from another person, and one might not expect another person to behave in this way all the time. They might believe that this is not possible; the other person is going to be human, after all. One could realise that it is not going to be possible for them to always behave in this manner, let alone another person. Through having this understanding, it will make it easier for them to handle the moments when these expectations are not met. Down To Earth In other words, one will be aware of the fact that they have their own needs and so do other people. This will be why another person won’t always be able to be there for them and to behave exactly how they would like them to. Therefore, the level of understanding that one would show their partner when they can’t be there for them will be no different to how one will expect their partner to behave. There is the chance that one has been in a relationship like this in the past, or they might not have been with someone like this before. Time for a Change If one hasn’t been in a relationship like before, they may have got to the point where they could no longer put up with the kind of relationships that they were having. The pain that they experienced might have caused them to take a step back and to reflect, and they may have read different articles and books on relationships. This may have been a time when they worked with a therapist or a healer, which may have allowed them to look into and work through what was taking place within them. Thus, one will soon be able to find out how effective this work has been. Another Scenario However, while this is the kind of approach that some people will have when it comes to finding someone to be with, there are others who have another approach entirely. Here, one can simply have the desire to be with someone, or they can have a long list of expectations. If they just want to be with someone, they might not even be aware of what their expectations are. They are not going to want to be by themselves, so just about anyone might do. High Expectations When one has a long list of expectations, it is likely to mean that they will expect another person to do a lot for them. One might not even have taken the time to think about whether their expectations are realistic or not. And if they were to look back on what their relationships have been like in this past, they may see that they haven’t worked out well. Even so, these experiences won’t have caused them to step back and to reflect on their own behaviour. Destined to Fail So, whether one just wants to be with someone or if they have a long list, they could still experience the same outcome. Once they are in a relationship, it might only be a matter of time before they start to feel frustrated and let down. At this point, they could start to blame their partner, and they might even believe that they need to find someone else to be with. It is then not that they expect too much; it is that their partner is not right for them. A Closer Look What this could show is that one expects their partner to spend all their free time with them, to make them happy, to accept everything about them, and to make them the centre of their world, amongst other things. It could then be said that these are the kinds of needs that a child has. As a child is dependent on their caregivers, it is going to be normal for them to have the above expectations. But when one is an adult and they are in a relationship with another adult, it is going to be impossible for them to be treated in this manner. Emotionally Stuck If one has these needs and they expect another adult to fulfil them, it can be a sign that these needs were not met on a consistent basis when they were younger. One is then looking for what they didn’t receive as a child. For as long as one expects another person to fulfil these needs, they will suffer in one way or another. One will need to get in touch with how they feel and to work through this pain and, as this takes place, they will no longer expect so much. Awareness If one can relate to this, and they want to change their life, it might be a good idea for them to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided by a therapist or a healer.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk Critical Thinking: Does A Woman Need To Seek Professional Help If She Believes That All Men Are Bad?25/1/2018
In today’s world, it appears to be perfectly acceptable for a woman in the public eye to bash men. She can say all kinds of things that will basically amount to men being less-than human and worthless, and absolutely nothing will be done.
Now, that’s not to say that both men and women won’t complain about this; what it means is that this kind of behaviour is tolerated by the media and the education system, for instance. If a man viewed women in the same way, there is a strong chance that he wouldn’t be given a platform. One Big Illusion One of the things that a woman like this is likely to come out with is that all women are oppressed and all men are oppressive. Without even thinking critically or looking at the facts, the fact that a handful of women are allowed to portray men in this way and get away with it and the same ‘privilege’ is not available to men surely proves otherwise. It could then be said that women have the freedom to express themselves, whilst men don’t, at least in the western world. Therefore, woman have the ability to say more of less whatever they want, and there are bound to be thousands of women in other parts of the world who are actually oppressed, who would do anything to be able to speak their mind. Pampered Children Consequently, while a woman like this can talk about how bad she and other women have it in the west, perhaps their outlook would soon change if they were to travel around the world. This is then similar to a child who complains that they only have one bar of chocolate, when there are millions of children who have never had a piece of chocolate, let alone a bar. But due to how old the child is and the fact that their brain is still developing, it could be said that this kind of behaviour is excusable. However, when a grown woman behaves like an entitled child - and she has been given a platform – it is going to be a lot harder for some people to tolerate this kind of behaviour. An Identity The trouble is that when a woman has a big platform, and her life revolves around bashing men and talking about how oppressed women are, there is going to be no reason for her to change. There will be the criticism that she receives, of course, but there will also be the attention, approval and the resources that are given to her. So, in the same way that someone can feel lost when their children leave home or when they retire, for instance, a women like this could really struggle if she was to let go of this identity. Nevertheless, due to how she feels and the thoughts that she has, along with her day-to-day experiences, there is going to be no reason for her to change. The Truth The kind of experiences that she has with men and what she sees online will back up what she believes. Her experiences can be seen as a sign that what she believes is the truth, as opposed to the fact that her beliefs are defining what she sees. She is then nothing more than an observer of her reality and plays no part in how she experiences life. With this is mind, it is going to be perfectly normal for her to try to change the world and to make it a better place for women; her need to save women is just an indirect way for her to try to save herself. One Focus Ultimately, her mind (like everyone else’s mind) is constantly looking for evidence that supports what she believes, and this will cause her to block out anything that goes against what she believes. Thus, her eyes are only going to allow her to see what her mind wants her to see. If a woman like this had very little power it wouldn’t be a problem, but the fact that a woman like this can often be found in politics and in the media, for instance, means that they have the ability to disseminate their inner poison far and wide. Due to their own lack of boundaries and the ability to own their own issues, they will try to control others. The Perfect Arena The political realm is going to be extremely appealing to woman who feels powerless and is unable to control herself. Her lack of inner control results in her need to control what other people can or can’t do. Experiencing a sense of control is then going to come at the expense of other people’s freedom. Taking all this into account, the world doesn’t need more people who become part of a movement; what it needs is more people who take responsibility for their own issues. Self-Awareness In order for a woman to realise that not all men are the same, it is going to be necessary for her to change what is going on within her. This means that the external world doesn’t need to change; the only thing that needs to change is her inner world. If her vision is blurred, it will be clear to her that she needs to look at her eye and not to clean what is going on externally. But while this is clear, what won’t be clear is that trying to change men won’t allow her change what is going on within her. Personal Responsibility There is the chance that there have been moments in her life that had a big impact on her, and what happened with a few men (or one man) would have been seen as a sign of what all men were like. Perhaps she was abused by her father or another male figure while she was a child. This would have been extremely traumatising and, while the years will have passed, what took place all those years ago will still define how she perceives men. At this time, she would have been a victim, but now that she is an adult, the roles have reversed and she is trying to victimise all men. Conclusion When it comes to working through this pain and trauma, it is unlikely that she will be able to do it by herself. If she could, there would be no reason for her to avoid this pain and to seek indirect revenge by trying to harm all men for what a few men (or one man) did to her as a child. This is why the assistance of a therapist or healer will probably be needed her. Through working through her own issues, it will allow her to see that while some men are bad, there are others who are not, and this will allow her to open her heart once again.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
During one’s time at school, they are likely to have noticed that not everyone responded in the same way when it came to being told off by a teacher. There may have been people who just generally shrugged when this happened, while there may have been others who typically lost control.
A Clear Difference It would then have seemed as though some people had the ability to control themselves and other people didn’t. But even though some people didn’t exercise self-control, one could put this down to their age. Therefore, as the years went by, there would have been no reason for them to continue to behave in this manner. One could get in touch with a few people who behaved in this manner while they were at school and find that they are no longer the same. No Different Alternatively, they may find that some of these people are no different, with them being just as reactive as they were all those years ago. This would show that self-control is not something that simply develops by itself; it is something that needs to be developed. However, one won’t need to go back to what it was like whilst they were at school in order to think about someone like this. The only thing that they will need to do is to think about how some people behave on social media. Today’s World One could think about what they have seen online over the years, and a number of examples could come to mind. In this case, what some people saw online and offline would have had a big effect on them. In addition to this, one may have come into contact with a number of people in the real who responded in a similar manner. This could be because of what they saw online or it could relate to what happened in their day-to-day life. Extremely Reactive In just about all of these instances, something fairly trivial may have been enough to set them off. It might have seemed as though these people were being controlled by their own emotions. Thus, even though they would have been autonomous human beings, they wouldn’t have had the ability to manage what was taking place within them. Instead, the person or thing that offended them would have been in control of them. A Positive Experience It would then be easy to say that when someone has the tendency to be offended, they are just wasting their energy and not getting anything out of it, but that wouldn’t be completely accurate. By reacting in this way, someone can be energised by their anger and feel as though they have the moral high ground. A big part of this comes down to the fact behaving in this way is often seen as normal and how someone should behave when they don’t agree with something. There is then going to be no reason for them to look into why they feel as they do, as someone else will have ‘made them’ feel this way. Socially Acceptable Behaviour There is then going to be no need for them to take responsibility for how they feel; someone else will be to blame. And if other people are in control of how they feel, it is going to mean that they are victims. Due to this, they could believe that life is made up of people who oppress others and people who are oppressed. It is then going to be irrelevant that life is not this black and white, as what they believe will define how they experience life. Distracted If someone was just an observer of life, it wouldn’t matter what they believe. Yet, as this is not possible, they will continue to experience life in this way unless they change what they believe. So, for as long as one continues to believe that other people are in complete control of how they feel, they will be no need for them to take a step back and to look into why they are so reactive. What is going on internally will have taken over and this will define how they perceive what is taking place externally. A New Approach Even so, let’s say that someone like this was to take the time to reflect on why they are so reactive, and this caused them to look into what is going on; they may find that they are too attached to what is taking place within them. Another way of looking at this would be to say that they are completely indentified with their ego, with this being the reason why it is so easy for others to press their buttons. The part of them that observers their feelings, thoughts, emotions, and sensations, will be undeveloped. Their emotional brain will be in control of them, and this means that their prefrontal cortex, the part of them that would allow them to observe their inner world, will be out of action. A Gradual Process Still, with the right training, there is no reason why someone can’t develop the ability to observe their inner world, which will stop them from being controlled by it. Mindfulness mediation is one way that this can take place. Another thing that can stop someone from being able to experience self-control is if they are carrying trauma. Perhaps they have been through things as an adult that have overwhelmed their system, or it might be the result of what they experienced as a child; if so, they might need to work with a therapist or a healer. Conclusion If someone like this was to develop their ability to step back and to observe their inner world, it doesn’t necessarily mean that they will accept everything that happens; what it can mean is that they will experience more inner peace and that they will no longer be affected by the same things. When they do get worked up, they can take the time to look into why this is. And if they come to the conclusion that their initial response is rational, they will be able to take the time to think about what they can do to make a difference. Consequently, they are likely to use their energy far more constructively.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
There could be moments in one’s life when they come into contact with people who don’t act all that interested, whilst there could be others moments when this is not the case. Here, another person could act as though one is the most important person on the planet.
A Gradual Transition When the former takes place, one could appreciate the attention; then again, it could all depend on who is giving them this amount of attention. If one is attracted to the other person, they might be only too happy for this to continue. Yet, it might not be long until they start to grow weary of this type of behaviour and just want this person to take a step back. By coming on so strong, it will have gradually caused one to change how they see them. Smothered The amount of interest that his person shows will be too much for them and the last thing that they want to experience in life. This could be a sign that one is used to receiving a lot of attention. As a result of this, they could be more attracted to someone who is more laid back and doesn’t try too hard. To meet someone like this could intrigue them, making them wonder why they are not acting like other people. A Common Occurrence So, if one is used to receiving so much attention and this takes place without them needing to do a lot, there is going to be no reason for them to appreciate attention that is given to them so freely. It is going to be no different to all the goodies that are given to famous athletes – it will have become a normal part of their life. It is then no longer going to stand out; it will just be something that they have become accustomed to. This is then similar to what happens when one takes the same route to work every day, there will be no need for them to be aware of where they are going. A Different Response But if one was to go somewhere else, it would be necessary for them to pay attention to where they are going. In the same way, when one is used to receiving so much attention and they meet someone who doesn’t behave in this manner, it can cause them to take notice as opposed to simply switching off and placing them in the same category as every other person who acted in that way. However, even if one is used to receiving this amount of attention, there life is not always going to be this way. What this mean is that while one could be fed up with the amount of attention they receive at one point in time, they could be desperate for it at another. Another Factor Even if one is used to receiving attention, they could still have moments in their life when they feel down. If this was to take place, this type of attention could be far more appealing, and this could cause them to put their discernment to one side. An Easy Target The fact that they are receiving attention could be all that matters; thereby they won’t be too concerned about what this person is like. After a little while, they could see that they have made the right decision. At the same time, they could soon regret spending time with this person. How they came across at the beginning could be radically different to how they now come across as time has passed. One Reason When one comes into contact with someone who acts really interested, regardless of if this is something that happens to them on a regular basis, it could show that the other person simply likes them. There is then going to be no ulterior motive or anything that one needs to be aware of. If one was to take things further with them, they may find that they are a good march. On the other hand, one might gradually see that there is nothing to keep them together and that it would be better for them to go their separate ways. Suspicious But even if one is not used to receiving attention from someone and another person was to act really interested, it could still make them step back and think about what is going on. One could think about how they haven’t really done anything to earn this amount of attention. If one desperately needed attention, it would probably cause them to overlook this and to go along with it. One would then be ruled by their emotions and this would stop them from being able to think straight. A Deeper Look When someone acts really interested for no apparent reason, it could show that they are simply trying to avoid themselves. For example, they could feel emotionally empty or down, and see one as some kind of saviour. One is then going to be seen as an object or an accessory that they can use to change how they feel about themselves. If they feel as though they have been abandoned, for instance, this can cause them to come on strong and, after they get close, they could feel smothered, which will cause them to pull away. Two Experiences It is human nature for someone to only appreciate what they have worked for and to place little, if any value, when something is just given to them. If someone has the tendency to act really interested too soon, this might be something that they need to reflect on. And if one finds it hard to accept this kind of behaviour, and they don’t know why, this might allow them to understand why this kind of behaviour makes them feel uncomfortable. Awareness If one usually comes on too strong, and they want to change their behaviour, it might be a good idea for them to reach out for external support. This can take place with the assistance of a therapist or a healer.
If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article, as many others have.
Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk |
Oliver JR CooperAuthor of 26 books, Transformational Writer, Teacher & Consultant. Introductory Consultation
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Disclaimer
That which is contained within these articles is based on my own empirical understanding and is true for me at the time they were written. However, as I continue to grow, what I perceive as the truth will inevitably change and as a result of this - parts of these articles may not reflect my current outlook.
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