If a number of people were asked what they think about anger, some of them might say that it is a ‘bad’ emotion. This is then going to be something that is black and white, meaning that it is not open for debate.
Someone like this could talk about how this is an emotion that only causes problems, and this is why it has no place in today’s world. In their eyes, it would be better if human beings no longer had the ability to get angry. Another Outlook There are then going to be others who disagree with this point of view; they might find it hard to understand how anyone could believe this. When someone has this view, they could believe that anger is neither good nor bad. They could say that it all depends on how someone responds to their anger, and how their anger affects their behaviour. This emotion is then going to be neutral - what will define whether it is good or bad is how someone channels this energy. Another Example One could point to the fact that while a car can allow someone to get to where they need to go, it could also allow them to run people over. But while this is the case, it is not as though cars are seen as being bad. It doesn’t stop there, though, as there are so many other things on this planet that can be used in a positive or negative manner. Yet, for whatever reason, it is uncommon for anger to be seen as being neutral. Past Experience If someone does believe that anger is bad, it could be a sign that they have primarily had experiences where it was used in a destructive manner. Perhaps they have been around people who were violent, for instance. Or, they may have been around people who ended up treating people badly whenever they got angry. It might not just relate to other people, as one may have been violent and/or treated people badly in the past when they got angry. One Option This is then going to be similar to someone who has only had negative experiences around animals; it will be as though this is what all animals are like. No matter whether it relates to the animals that they have had or what other people have had, the outcome will have been the same. If someone is open-minded, they might be willing to see how anger can also be used in a constructive manner. This would give them the opportunity to see anger in a different light and to form a new relationship with their own anger. Self-Control Ultimately, when someone causes harm, their anger is not the problem; what is the problem is that one is being controlled by their anger. This stops them from being able to take a step back and then to use this energy in a positive manner. With this in mind, to say that anger is bad would be to say that a car is bad for crashing into a building; when the only reason this took place is because the driver allowed it to happen. What this emphasises is how important it is for someone to be able to contain how they feel and not to be controlled by their emotions. Purely Information When one can do this, they will be able to connect to how they feel and to look into why they feel angry. This could show that they have been compromised or violated in some way, or it could show that something from their past has been triggered. If it relates to the former, it might be a good idea for them to stand their ground and to speak out, for instance. One is then not reacting to how they feel, they are responding to how they feel. A Big Difference This means that one won’t come across as someone who lacks self-control; they will come across as someone who has good boundaries. This emotion will then be no different to any other emotion, since it will be used as information. The alternative would be for one to be compromised or violated in some way, but not to get angry. Here, one would be out of touch with their anger, which is there to protect them and to keep them alive. Enslaved When one is unable to contain their anger and ends up being controlled by it, it is going to be clear that they are not in control of themselves. It might not take a lot for them to lose it, with something fairly trivial being enough to set them off. What happens (the stimulus) is generally going to be overshadowed by how they behave (response). This could result in them raising their voice or they could end up physically harming another person. A Deep Wound There could have been a time in their life when they were violated, and this would have caused them to experience a lot of pain. Perhaps they were physically abused when they were younger. Along with this, they might have been neglected, and this would then have stopped them from receiving the kind of care that they needed to develop the ability to regulate their own emotions. There would have been the effect that this had on their body and on their mind. Awareness If one can relate to this, and they want to develop the ability to be able to handle their emotions, it might be a good idea for them to reach out for external support. This can take place with the assistance of a therapist or a healer.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
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If one was to find themselves in a position where they feel down, they could feel the need to get in a relationship. They could believe that being with someone else will make their life better, thereby allowing them to feel good about.
A Pattern There is the chance that one is used to feeling this way, or this might only be how they feel from time to time. If this is a familiar experience, they may have taken this approach in the past. Therefore, they could believe that this is the only way for them to feel better, meaning that there is going to be no alternative. If they were to look back on who they have ended up with when they feel this way, they may see that it hasn’t always gone to plan. Momentary Relief One may find that they have been with people who seemed like a good match in the beginning, but as time went by, it soon become clear that this wasn’t the case. But as their needs would have changed as time went by, it could be said that this is to be expected. At first, they would have simply wanted someone to take their pain away; this is then the same as how one can eat junk when they are starving and not care about how healthy it is. Yet, as they started to feel better, they would have no longer needed the same nutrients, so to speak. An Analogy If one was in the middle of nowhere in their shorts and t-shirt, and it was extremely cold, they would probably be happy to wear just about anything they are given. Their priority will be to keep warm, not to look good. Now, if the same person was to find themselves somewhere that is warm and populated, their outlook could soon change. Firstly, they won’t need to keep warm and, secondly, they might have the need to look smart. One Step Back In the same way, what one needs when they first met someone is not necessarily going to be what they need after they have been with them for a little while. At this point, they could have come into contact with a number of different needs. Their emotional state would have improved considerably, so they might have thought about if this person was truly a good match for them. It could have become clear that they didn’t have a lot in common, or that their values were completely different. A Close Shave Nonetheless, as bad as it might have been for them to be with someone who they were not attracted to, at least they were not with someone who was abusive in any way. One could have focused on the fact that being with this person did them more good than harm. Having said this, one might not be able to relate to this, or if they can, it might be the exception as opposed to the rule. They may have been with at least one person who treated them badly. A Living Nightmare One would then have met someone who they thought would make their life better, only to find out that they would actually make it even worse. It wouldn’t have seemed this way in the beginning, though, as this person would have come across in a different manner. And even if the signs were that that this person wasn’t right for them, it wouldn’t have mattered. Their strongest need - which would have been to feel better - would have controlled their behaviour. An Inaccurate Outlook If this is what one has been through in the past, they may have come to see themselves as a victim. As a result of this, there is not going to be anything that they can do to change their life. How they behave is not going to have an effect on their life, so there will be no reason for them to change anything. The downside to having this outlook is that it is going to make it a lot harder for one to change their life. A Closer Look When one feels low, it can make it difficult for them to think clearly, and this is because their emotions will have taken over. So, along with their need to avoid how they feel, it is not exactly going to be easy for them to be discerning. One is not going to worry about if someone is right for them; they will only be concerned about if someone can make them feel better. With this in mind, it wouldn’t be accurate to say that one just happens to end up with the wrong people. Self-Victimisation Without realising it, their own behaviour is playing a big part when it comes to the people who they end up with. While this might be hard for them to accept, doing so will allow them to change their life. If one does have the tendency to feel low, they could look into what took place during their early years. This could be a time when they were abused and/or neglected, meaning that they would have experienced trauma. A Number of Factors There would then be the pain that this caused them and these experiences would have set them up to believe that they are worthless. Being treated badly by others is then going to be what feels comfortable at a deeper level. How one feels in an abusive relationship can be very similar to how they felt when they were a child. The years will have passed but their inner world will be the same, and this is why their outer world will match up with what took place in their past. Awareness If one can relate to this, and they want to change their life, it might be a good idea for them to reach out for external support. This can be provided by a therapist or a healer.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
A number of years ago, I got together with a friend and he spoke about a video that he wanted to make on domestic violence. This was one of many that he was looking to put together.
I think that the video he made after this was on knife crime, with the next one being about the masks that we wear. This was someone who had a good understanding of this area, so it wasn’t as though he desperately needed my input for this video. The Focus The video on domestic violence was all about shedding light on what can take place when someone is in abusive relationship. This video would then allow people to become aware of what they need to look out for. The video on knife crime was primarily for people who were thinking of using a knife, and the kind of consequences that could arise if they were to do so. I thought that this was a great idea. The Same Level The alternative would have been for him to say that it is wrong to use a knife, and to present himself as some kind of authority figure. The downside to this, of course, is that it would have caused some people to get defensive. It would then have been normal for them to close down and to disregard everything that was in the video. Yet, by simply presenting what could happen if they were to use a knife, someone can see for themselves. Another Tool There have been other times when we have got together and he has asked me why I wanted to do something. And when I had done something, he asked me what I was looking to receive. When this has taken place, it has been away for him to see if I was aware of what my true motives were. During this time, I came to see that while I thought I knew why I wanted to do something, this wasn’t always the case. A Gentle Approach At first, I wasn’t sure how to handle these kinds of questions and I felt uncomfortable. This wasn’t because of how he asked these questions, as it wasn’t as though he was trying to pull me down. It was simply due to the fact that I hadn’t really been asked these kinds of questions before. Ultimately, the type of questions that he asked me, were no different to the type of questions that he asked himself. Another Way If he has wanted to explain how something works, and this could relate to how we manifest things into our life, he has often used an experience from his own life. Through listening to what he went through, it then allowed me to get a better understating. However, if he had spoken about something without giving me an example from his own life, it would have been a lot harder for me to connect to what he was saying. Fortunately, Wain, the person who I have been talking about, is now offering his services to the world. Details If you would like to watch the videos that Wain has created, please click on this link -https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCfgGbRwY6PsoquScdjLk4Qw. And, if you would like to find out more the services that he offers, please go to - https://www.timetorelax.space/
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk Relationships: Does A Woman Lack Self-Awareness If She Believes That All Men Are The Same?19/1/2018
There are some women in today’s world who believe that all men are the same, and it could be said that this is nothing new. It might not be inaccurate to say that this is how it has always been, but it has certainly been this way for a little while.
However, what is different nowadays is that this is something that has gradually become part of the dominant cultural narrative. In the past, this was often just the kind of thing that some women would talk about amongst themselves. The Main View In order to realise this, one only needs to pick up a paper, to go on social media, or to watch TV. It is normal for these sources to talk about how all men are the same and to make out that all women are different. This is likely to mean that all men will be portrayed in negative light and that all women will be portrayed in a positive light. There are going to be some women who see this and agree with it, whilst there will be others who won’t. A Number of Responses If woman does agree with this outlook, it is likely to show that this matches up with how she experiences life. What these sources come out with is then not just going to be an opinion; it will be seen as the truth. On the other hand, when a woman doesn’t go along with what these sources come out with, it is likely to mean that it doesn’t match up with how she experiences life. There could even be some women who gradually come to believe what they are told by these sources. A Different Reality If a woman doesn’t believe that all men are the same, she may be in a fulfilling relationship with a man and/or have a number of male friends. Perhaps she has a father who she loves and a brother who she is close to, for instance. If this is the case, she might not be drawn into what the midstream media and other sources are telling her about men. Then again, she might feel the need to push back against this narrative. Confusion A woman like this could find it hard to understand how a woman could truly believe that all men are the same. In her eyes, this could be seen as an example of black and white thinking. But even if she was to meet a woman like this and tried to find out why she has this outlook, it doesn’t mean that she would be able to get very far. The woman could end up getting defensive and even resort to an ad hominem attack. Her Reality When a woman believes that all men are the same, her experiences with men are unlikely to have been very fulfilling. If she is straight, and is not in a relationship with a man, she may have had a number of relationships that were abusive in some way. Or, perhaps she has just been with men who didn’t treat her how she wanted to be treated. If she is in a relationship, she could be with man who she doesn’t particularly like, meaning that she would rather be single. An Observer But regardless of whether she is currently in a relationship or not, she is unlikely to believe that she is playing a part in what takes place in this area of her life. Therefore, even if she sees herself as an ’empowered’ woman, this area of her life will be out of her control. The type of men that she ends up with and meets in other areas of her life, are then going to be a reflection of what all men are like. Along with this, she could spend time with other women who also come into contact with men who are more or less the same, which will validate her outlook. Caught Up Her five senses will be what she pays attention to and she won’t have taken the time to step back. This is why what turns up in her reality will be seen as the truth, as opposed to a reflection of what is taking place within her. If she was to detach from what is taking place within her and to observe her inner processes, she may gradually begin to see why she experiences life in this way. When it comes to the type of men that she meets, they are simply mirroring back what she believes about them. A New Outlook With this in mind, her experiences with men say more about her than they do about men. The cultural narrative, that says that all men are the same, allows certain women to avoid taking responsibility for their own life. They don’t need to look into how their beliefs, thoughts, feelings and behaviour are affecting their life; instead, they can blame the gender that has been demonized for what is taking place in their life. This can then create the impression that being ‘empowered’ involves blaming others and being a victim. A Big Lie The only way that someone can be empowered is to take responsibility for their own life, and this involves owning both the good and the bad things that happen. Ultimately, no one is simply an observer of their reality. Taking this into account, it is going to be vital for a woman to look into what is taking place within her, that’s if she wants to change her life. In the short-term, this could be painful, but this pain won’t last forever. Awareness There is the chance that what took place when she was younger had a big effect on what she believes about men. This may have been a time when she was abused in some way, by her father or another family member. It might be necessary for her to seek external support, and this is because she may be carrying trauma. This support can be provided by a therapist or a healer.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk Relationships: Can Someone Put Up With Controlling Behaviour When They Are Emotionally Dependent?18/1/2018
When two people are in a relationship, they can continue to express who they are and to fulfil their own needs. As a result of this, their time together will have a positive effect on both of them.
There will be the effect that this has on their relationship, and there will be the effect that this has on other areas of their life. There will then be no need for them to feel trapped and as though they are being held back. Two Parts There will be the time that they spend together, along with the time that both of them spend away from each other. Said another way, they are both going to have their own life in addition to the life that they share with each other. Neither of them is going to act as though they are simply an extension of the other, and this will show that they have good boundaries. Through having boundaries, they will be able to share who they are without losing themselves. An Individual And as each of them has their own needs and feelings, this is going to allow them to express their true-self. Ultimately, they won’t be in a relationship because they no longer want to live their own life. It is through maintaining their sense of self, that the relationship will have a positive effect on both of them. The reason for this is that one of them won’t have to ignore what is taking place within them and to completely focus on the other person. Two Adults One person is not going to see the other as someone who is there to save or rescue them; they will realise that they are both responsible for their own life. Being together will allow them to become aware of what they need to heal within themselves, and the experiences they have together will allow them to grow and develop. If, on the other hand, this wasn’t the case, it would be a relationship that is there to serve a different purpose. One could feel like a child emotionally and, therefore, see the other person as a parental figure. A Conscious Relationship This would mean that one is not willing to face how they feel; they just want someone to take their pain away. Yet, when one is in a relationship that is there to serve a different purpose, this wont interest them. They will realise that the only person who can deal with what is taking place within them is themselves. This will also stop them from expecting too much from the other person, thereby making it easier for their partner to be themselves. Stepping Back When two people are in a relationship like this, it could be said that they will be free. One person is not going to neglect themselves just to be with the other person; this is not going to interest them. But while there will be relationships out there that are similar to this, there are also going to be relationships out there that are based on control. In some cases, one person will be in control and the other person will be like a slave. A Pattern If one was to find themselves in a relationship like this, where they are being controlled, it could be the first time it has happened. Then again, it could be something that has happened on more than one occasion. They could be with someone who tries to control just about every area of their life; it could seem as though they need their permission in order to do anything. But even though this is going to stop them from being able to express themselves, it doesn’t mean that they will walk away. Confusion Not only could they find it hard to understand why this is, but the people around them could also find it odd. That is, of course, if one doesn’t see themselves as a victim and believes that their partner has all the control. If they do have this outlook, there is going to be no reason for them to wonder why they don’t walk away – this won’t be something that even crosses their mind. What could become clear, if one was to think about what would happen if they were to leave, is that it would be even more painful. The Lesser Of Two Evils Being with this person will cause them to suffer, but they could believe that this is not as bad as it would be if they walked away. What this may show is that one finds it hard to handle their own emotions. Putting up with someone who is so controlling can then be a way for them to stop themselves from being overwhelmed. Thus, the reason they need to be with someone who is so controlling is due to the fact that their emotions are so out of control. The Scaffolding This is then comparable to how an unstable building will need external support to stay in place. Without this understanding, it would be easy to say that someone like this is just a victim and there is truly nothing that they can do. On the surface, it will be clear that this is not having a positive effect on them, but at a deeper level, it will serve a purpose. One will then have traded their freedom for security, with freedom being something that is too painful for them to handle. Awareness What this is likely to show is that one is carrying trauma, and this could be the result of what happened to them when they were younger. This may have been a time when they were abused and/or neglected. If one can relate to this, and they want to change their life, it might be a good idea for them to reach out for external support. This can be provided by a therapist or a healer.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
When I first got into self-development, about a year I left school, I wanted to share what I had learnt with my family. But although I was extremely curious and wanted to find out as much as I could, my family were not really interested.
After talking about what I had learnt and being put down on numerous occasions, I started to limit how often I would talk about this kind of stuff. My granddad would often say that I should be a politician. Other Times When it was just my father and I, he would take the time to listen to what I had to say, even if he didn’t agree with it. My mother, on the other hand, had a very short attention span and her attention would often disappear whenever she didn’t want to hear something. Either her eyes would go somewhere else and she would be distracted by something, or she would end up walking away, while saying that she was still listening. In addition to simply wanting to share what I had learnt, I also wanted to help my parents. Weighed Down It was clear that they were both highly stressed, and I believed that what I had learnt could make their life better. Another problem here was that I was there son, so what did I know!? If I wasn’t related to them and I wore a white coat, perhaps it would have been easier for me to get through to them. Fortunately, my father was open-minded enough to work with a healer when he had bone cancer. The Main Reason What played a big part here was that his mother had been healed by a faith healer, so this made him more receptive. Around this time I had been working with a healer called, Errol Campbell, and I thought that it would be a good idea for my father to work with him. My father was grateful for his assistance; he said that working with Errol took a lot of the pain away. My mother had a bit of Reiki healing here and there - often provided by me - but it was extremely difficult to get through to her. A Gradual Build-Up From a young age, it was clear that she was not in a good way, and that is without even going into how cold and nasty she was at times. She was practically always stressed, and there was no doubt in my mind that she must have had a rough upbringing. That’s not to say that that excuses her from the damage that she caused me and others; it is just to point out that her early years must have been when it all began. And before I started to learn about self-development, her brother was killed in a terrorist attack, which added another layer of stress and trauma to what was already there. The First Sign A little while after this, she had to go into hospital for some kind of op, and it was pretty serious. I remember speaking to one of her friends on the phone, who said that she needs to slow down and that she works too hard. I said that I know she needs to slow down, but that my mother doesn’t listen and that she won’t change. A few years after this, she ended up having a stroke and that was the beginning of what would be a traumatic few years. A Brick Wall Trying to get through to my mother was often like speaking to a brick all, it was simply a waste of time. I would say that her motto would be something like, ‘I would rather die than change’. Regardless of whether it related to something fairly trivial or something extremely serious, it didn’t really matter as it would rarely have an effect on her. Perhaps, after everything she had been through, from her early years to that point in time, a big part of her had closed off from life and no longer wanted to be here. Final Thoughts It is through being able to listen to other people and taking in new information that allows us to grow and to become aware of what we are not aware of. When the mind is completely closed, there is only going to be one outcome.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
If someone was to hear the words ‘victim’ and ‘perpetrator’, they might have a good idea about what these words mean. Perhaps one of their friends has been in a relationship where they were victimised, for instance.
Closer to Home Then again, they might know someone who has victimised others in the past, and continues to do so to this day. In addition to this, they may have been in at least one relationship where they were treated unfairly. It could be far worse, though, as one could be in a relationship with someone who treats them badly. However, if even if one can’t recall a time in their life when they have been with anyone like this and neither have any of their friends, it doesn’t mean that they won’t have heard about people who have. Other Sources For example, one may have had conversations with people who were with someone who was abusive. It could be said that this comes down to the fact that it is not uncommon for another person who be in a relationship that is abusive. Along with what one will have heard in the real world, there can also be what they have come across online. And in today’s world, there are plenty of people online who portray themselves as victims. Both Worlds When this takes place, someone can say that they are being victimised by other uses online, and they can say that this is what happens when they are offline. At the same time, if one can relate to this, they will probably see themselves as a victim. Therefore, it is not just that they are treated badly by others; it is that they are completely defenceless and helpless. The people ‘out there’ are then going to have it in for them, and there is absolutely nothing that they can do about it. An Imbalance Other people are then going to have the power to do whatever they want to them, and it is then going to be perfectly normal for them to feel powerless. But if one doesn’t believe that this relates to just about everyone and that it only relates to certain people, it could show that they have bought into ‘identity politics’. If this is the case, not only will one see themselves as being completely powerless; they will also have the moral high ground. This is likely to show that one is a woman, or they could see themselves as being part of a minority. Black and White The reason for this is that when one has bought into ‘identity politics’, they are likely to believe that white men are the perpetrators. As a result of this, the people who belong to other groups are the victims. So, as all white men have all the power and one is victimised by them, they are going to be morally superior for not behaving in the same way. With this in mind, it is one’s status as a victim that allows them to experience a sense of control over their life. An Indirect Approach Now, clearly this is not going to allow them to live a truly empowered life, but what it will do is allow them to receive attention, approval and resources from others. One is then receiving things without giving anything in return. Yet, as they are helpless victims who have no control over their life, it is only fair that the people who are 'keeping them down' give them what they need. Due to how someone like this sees themselves and how they present themselves to the world, it could be easy to say that this is something that is black and white. A Closer Look Nevertheless, regardless of whether one buys into ‘identity politics’ or not, it doesn’t mean that they will always act in this manner. There could be other moments when they swap roles and come across as a perpetrator. And if someone pays attention to the people who see themselves as victims online; they may find that there are moments when they are only too happy to harm another person. Still, they can justify this behaviour, by saying that they are getting their own back. The Real World If one has the tendency to end up with people who are abusive, there could also be moments when they come across as abusive. It can then seem as though they only have two ways or behaving: acting like a victim or acting like a perpetrator. The fact that there is another way for them to experience life might not even occur to them; this could be how they have behaved for as long as they can remember. In order for one to change their behaviour, it might be necessary for them to look into what took place when they were younger. A Deeper Look This may have been a time when they were brought up by at least one person who was abusive. One would then have been a victim and they would have been around someone who was a perpetrator. Consequently, this may have set them up to believe that they only have two options; to either be a victim or to victimise others. The former would make them feel powerless, but the latter would allow them to feel powerful. The False-Self But no matter if they indentify with the part of themselves that feels like a victim or the part of them that wants to victimise others, they are still caught up in their own trauma. Their true-self, the part of them that doesn’t feel powerless, has not been able to see the light of day. Ultimately, behaving like a victim is likely to be what feels safe at a deeper level and, until this changes, their behaviour is unlikely to change. The trauma within them will create a certain resonance that draws to them the kind of experiences that match up with how they felt as a child. Awareness What this emphasises is how important it is for someone to be able to step back and to reflect on what is taking place within them. Through doing this, they will have the ability to see how their external world is a reflection of their inner world. In the short-term, it can be extremely painful for someone to face up to the effect that they are having on their reality. In the long-term, it will give them the ability to heal the pain that is within them and to transform their life. If one can relate to this, and they want to change their life, it might be a good idea for them to work with a therapist or a healer.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
Towards the end of my time at school, I would work at a crematorium whenever I didn’t have to go in. There were times when I would tell people about what I did and their responses said a lot about the kind of job that I had.
Of course, it wasn’t that these people found it strange that I was gardening; it was the fact that I worked somewhere that was full of graves and where dead bodies were cremated. At first, I did think it was strange, but as time passed, I didn’t think much of it. The Main Part What I liked about it was that I would be working outside, and as I had done jobs outside from a very young age, I knew how to do a number of things in the garden. So, when I was working near the graves, I didn’t really think too much about what was around me. I was focused on the job at hand, and everything else would fade into the background. Up until this point in my life, I had lost my grandmother (my mother’s mother), but I this took place at an age when I didn’t really know what was going on. Another Factor Also, I found my grandmother to be quite cold at times, and this meant that I often felt the need to keep my distance. It then wasn’t hard to realise that this woman was my mother’s mother, as they had a lot in common. I remember speaking to my grandfather (my mother’s father) before he passed on, and he was talking about how cold my grandmothers mother was. He was then talking about one woman, yet he could have been talking about any of these three women. It Didn’t Sink In That’s three generations, and who knows how much further back it went. Anyway, her death didn’t have a big effect on me, and a number of years later, my uncle passed on, after being killed in a terrorist attack. I had only met him a few times in my life, and a number of those times were when I was too young to realise who he was. This was because he worked in other countries as a hotel manger. This All Changed But from the times when I did meet him, I found him to be very different from my mother. He was fairly laid-back, easy to talk to, and he didn’t fly off the handle – I would have loved to have spent more time with him. A number of years after this, at the end of 2011, my father passed on. This was when I found out what it was like to lose someone who I was close to and who meant a lot to me – it was as though the floor went from beneath my feet. A Delayed Reaction It took a couple of years for me to fully come to terms with what happened, and this was partly due to how much pain I was in around the time that he passed on and for a little while afterwards. Once I began to settle down, I started to get in touch with the grief that was within me. I couldn’t believe that he had gone; I thought that he would always be there. He was unwell for a number for years, but he did what he could to carry on as normal; he was strong, there’s no doubt about it. A Slow Process And when I did come to terms with what happened, I felt low, really low. My chest was full of grief, and some of this grief related to the neglect that I had experienced as a child; I often wondered if l would be like this forever. Fortunately, I was able to come into contact with people who could assist me and information that would point me in the right direction. Along with this, I had to do a lot of crying. Final Thoughts I have had moments when I have thought that my father passed on too soon and how I would give up everything I have created just to see him again. However, I know that there are no guarantees when it comes to how long someone will be around for. He was in a lot of pain and deserved to be free from the pain that he was in; his time had come. And as strange as this may sound to someone who is not aware of my family background, it was as though his passing had liberating effect on my life. Nowadays, when I got to this crematorium to see my father’s grave, along with the graves of other family members, I see the place in a completely different light. My days as a gardener there have faded into the background.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk Relationships: Can Childhood Trauma Stop Someone From Being Able To Move on After A Breakup?14/1/2018
Although there are some people who can generally move on after a relationship has come to an end, there are others who find it incredibly difficult to do so. Nonetheless, when one can carry on with their life, it doesn’t mean that they won’t experience pain.
Manageable What it is likely to mean is that this won’t be something that will overwhelm them, thereby stopping them from being able to live their life. They might face how they feel and grieve the loss of the relationship. Their thinking brain is then not going to be in conflict with their emotional brain; these two parts will be able to work together. This will stop them from having the need to avoid how they feel. Business as Usual However, as the pain within them is not too strong, it is going to be a lot easier for them to be with how they feel. By taking this approach, there will be no need for them to disconnect from their body and to live in their head. One will be able to continue to be in touch with what is going on in their head and what is taking place in their body. If the pain within them is slightly stronger than they can handle, they might reach out for external support. Interdependent Through talking to a friend or a family member, for instance, it will give them the additional support that they need at this time in their life. Ultimately, one will have a healthy relationship with their emotions. There is then going to be no need for them to feel ashamed of how they feel or the fact that they need someone to be there for them. After a short while, they may decide that it’s time for them to find someone else to be with. Secure Then again, they may prefer to enjoy their own company for a while. One is then going to feel comfortable with their emotions and they will feel comfortable with themselves. Through feeling comfortable in their own skin, they won’t need to be with someone in order to feel good. This is also likely to mean that other areas of their life are deeply fulfilling, providing them with what they need to fulfil their deepest needs. A Meaningful Life For one thing, their career could meet a number of their needs, and they may have done the same thing for quite some time. Alternatively, they may have only just started to do something that is fulfilling. Either way, this area of their life will have a positive effect on their wellbeing. In addition to this, they may have a number of friends who they enjoy connecting with and sharing their life with. A Whole Human Being With this in mind, one is not going to feel empty and as though they need someone else to complete them. One will have a clear sense of where they begin and end, and where other people begin and end. Due to this, they will realise that there is only so much that another person can give them and that they can give another person. This will then stop them from expecting too much from another person. Another Scenario There are then going to be others who generally have a different experience when a relationship comes to an end. It might not matter if one had been with another person for a few months or a few years. Along with this, it might not matter if they were in a relationship that was working, or if they had been with someone who they actually wanted to be with. Now that it has come to an end, they could be overwhelmed with pain. A Deep Sense of Emptiness It could seem as though something from within them has been taking away, with this being why they feel empty. One would have gone from feeling like a whole human being, to a human being that is missing something. If this is what has taken place, it is naturally going to be a challenge for them to carry on with their life. It might not matter if they have a fulfilling job or close friends, as their life will end up being put on hold. The Next Step Through being in so much pain, they could end up finding someone else to be with. Conversely, they could end up finding something that will allow them to disconnect from their pain. One way of looking at this would be to say that the end of the relationship has caused them to feel this way. That might have played a part, but there is likely to be far more to it. Looking Back If one feels empty now that the relationship has come to end, there is as strong chance that they felt that way before when they in a relationship – either consciously or at a deeper level. Therefore, the end of the relationships would have simply triggered what was already within them. And through feeling as though they were lacking something, it would have set them up to expect a lot from the other person – it may have even caused them to end up with someone who wasn’t right for them. Perhaps they saw them as some kind of caregiver, which would have meant that they felt like a needy child. A Closer Look What this may show is that the reason they feel so bereft after a relationship comes to an end is due to what happened when they were growing up. This may have been a time when they were abused and/or neglected. Their developmental needs wouldn’t have been met on a consistent basis, if at all, and this would have stopped them from being able to develop in the right way. This would also have caused them to experience trauma. Awareness If one can relate to this, and they want to change their life, it might be a good idea for them to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided by a therapist or a healer.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk People Pleasing: Why Do Some People Believe That They Need To Please Others In Order To Survive?13/1/2018
At the start of someone’s life, their survival would have depended upon their caregivers. As a result of this, they wouldn’t have had much control during this stage of their life.
A Different Scenario However, as the years passed and they grew into an adult, their survival would no longer depend on their caregivers. Along with this, the amount of control that they have over their life would have increased. This is likely to be a time when it is not necessary for them to please the people around them, but this wouldn’t have been the case when they were growing up. It could then be said that while one used to be a helpless child, they are now an empowered adult. The Right Nutrients This wouldn’t have taken please unless one received what they need to receive to grow into an empowered adult, though. Just as a seed will need the right amount of water and sunlight, for instance, to grow, one would have needed their caregivers to meet their developmental needs. There may have been moments when this didn’t take place, but over all, this would have been the exception. A tree can also go without water once in a while, but it would soon suffer if this happened on a regular basis. A Gradual Process A caregiver could be seen as serving a similar function to that which a cane serves while a tree is developing its strength. The cane is providing support for the tree, and, over time, the tree will be able to support itself. Now, a caregiver has a far bigger role to play than a cane does, yet a child is just as depend on their caregiver as the tree is on the cane. If the cane isn’t there, the tree won’t grow in the right way, and the same could be said for a child, when consistent care is not provided. Another Experience If, on the other hand, someone didn’t have a childhood where they received what they needed, but they have a strong sense of self, it is likely to show that they had to build themselves up. As an adult, they would have given themselves what they caregiver’s were unable to give them as a child. Perhaps this was a time when they were neglected and/or abused, meaning that they would have suffered greatly. Fortunately, they will have been able to move through what happened and to create a fulfilling life. A Purposeful Life So, regardless of whether one received what they needed as a child or gave themselves what they needed as an adult, they are likely to be in tune with their own needs. Not only this, they will feel safe enough to play attention to them. What will play a big part here is that one will have strong boundaries, which is why they will feel safe enough to express their true-self. Consequently, there will be no reason for them to focus on other people’s needs. Balance This doesn’t mean that one will only think about themselves and not have time to be there for others. What it means is that they won’t have the tendency to neglect their own needs. Through paying attention to their own needs and giving themselves what they need to thrive, they will be able to truly be there for others. Also, by focusing on their own needs, they will be able to assist others in the process. For Example One could have built up a business that takes care of other peoples nutritional needs. It may have taken them a number of years to get to this point, but it will have been worth the effort. If they hadn’t focussed on their own needs, it would have stopped them for being able to provide this service. This is then an example of how one can focus on their own needs and assist other people in the process. Another Reality While this is how some people experience life, there are going to be others who are unable relate to this. Someone’s whole life can then revolve around pleasing others, with this being something that feels comfortable. Yet, even though this can be what feels comfortable, it doesn’t mean that this won’t cause them to experience a lot of anger, frustration, and pain. Part of them can have the need to fulfil their own needs, while another part of them can have the need to focus on other people’s needs. Inner Conflict The need that is the strongest will be the need to please others, which is why they behave in this way. Physically, they will look like an adult, but emotionally, they can feel like a dependent child. This part of them can believe that the only way they can survive is to do what other people want, or what they think they want. From the outside, one will look like an individual, but on the inside, one will feel like they are emotionally enmeshed to others. Covered Up Their survival brain will make sure that they don’t act like an autonomous human being, thereby forcing them to come across as though they are an extension of others. The self that they show to others will be a false-self. This will change when they feel safe enough to listen to their true-needs and feelings, and then to express what is taking place within them. What this will do is allow them to live a fulfilling life. The Cause When one experiences life in this way, it is likely to show that they didn’t get what they needed when they were growing up. Instead of receiving the love, nurturance and care that they need to develop, they may have had to focus on their caregivers needs. One would then have been neglected, and they may have been physically abused, too. This would have been a traumatising time, so it is to be expected that they don’t feel safe enough to exist. Awareness If one can relate to this, and they want to express their true-self, it might be a good idea for them to reach out for external support. This can take place with the assistance of a therapist or a healer.
If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article, as many others have.
Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk |
Oliver JR CooperAuthor of 26 books, Transformational Writer, Teacher & Consultant. Introductory Consultation
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Disclaimer
That which is contained within these articles is based on my own empirical understanding and is true for me at the time they were written. However, as I continue to grow, what I perceive as the truth will inevitably change and as a result of this - parts of these articles may not reflect my current outlook.
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