Due to the amount of people on this planet, it is clear that one is not going to get along with everyone. There will be some people that one completely clicks with and therefore experiences very few instances of conflict and disharmony. And there will be others, on the other side of the spectrum, who can constantly press ones buttons and irritate them.
In the middle of this can be people who one doesn’t completely connect with and yet they don’t feel completely disconnected from them either; with their being moments where both elements are involved.
A common approach can be for one to remove the people from their life that irritate them or if they can’t do that, then they might try to keep their distance. This is only natural, as it is human nature to avoid pain and that which creates or triggers pain within us.
Another approach would be to face it directly. Here, one might talk to the person in a way that could be described as an example of being assertive. Or they could end up losing all emotional control and not only raise their voice for instance, but they could become violent.
Right Or Wrong
One approach might be classed as being right and another approach could be classed as being wrong. And as to what description one uses, will depend on many factors. If another person is being consistently rude to another and one calls them out on their behaviour, then it is generally going to be seen as the right thing to do
Let’s say that a group of people have gone beyond irritation when it comes to what a corporation is doing to the planet and decide to take action, and this could result in violence, they could see their behaviour as being justified. And all because damage is being done and nothing is taking place to stop it.
However, while there are examples like these that create the impression that irritation is arising as a result of what is talking place externally and that one must therefore take external action to put an end to how they feel, there are also others examples that show a different perspective.
And this is something that Carl Jung was referring to when he said the following "Everything that irritates us about others can lead us to an understanding of ourselves." So based on this quote, it could be said that there are two sides to irritation.
On one side is what is taking place externally and at times, focusing on what is taking place there will be seen as the right thing to do. And on the other side will be what the external experience is triggering within someone.
Because although there will be external things that one finds irritating and plenty of other people could respond in the same way, there will also be certain things that one finds irritating and other people wont even notice.
Even though some things that irritate someone could be causing harm to another person or to the world at large, there is also going to be things that don’t cause any harm whatsoever.
And when this is the case, it can make it easier for one to look within themselves and see what is really going on. If something is irritating and many other people have the same outlook, then the need to look within can diminish.
However, just because plenty of people agree with something and say that the reason they feel as they do is due to what is taking place externally, it doesn’t mean that it is not an internal issue that they all have.
This is backed up by the fact that human beings are drawn to people that see the world as they do. The ego mind needs to be right, because to be wrong is interested as death, even though this is unlikely to happen.
So if one has a certain worldview, they are naturally going to connect to people who have the same. And if other people have the same irritation, then the mind can come to the conclusion that it is in fact out there and not the result of what is taking place within them.
If one is irritated about something and the people around react in the same way, it could show two things. The first thing it will reveal is that they have the same outlook and the second thing it shows, is that each of them are getting their buttons pressed.
What this means is that when someone is exposed to something that irritates them, it is reminding them of something in their past that caused them pain. And while the mind can have disconnected from the experience/s and not see the connection, the body will react as if it is happening all over again.
Money is an area that can cause strong irritation. So to see people who have money can trigger emotions such as anger and below this can the following feelings: abandoned, worthless, hopeless and powerless.
If one sees another person in a relationship or who is getting their needs met with the opposite sex and feels irritated, it could reflect their own sense of powerlessness when it comes to getting their own needs met.
Through feeling irritated, one can protect themselves form feeling what is going on at a deeper level. When one feels angry for instance, they can feel strong and in control. But when they feel the feelings below this, then can feel vulnerable and out of control.
If one wants to grow and doesn’t want to stay stuck, then it will be important that they face what is below the irritation. This can be done with the assistance of a therapist, healer or a coach.
When it comes to finding or attracting someone to be in a relationship with, the need is going to be there to meet someone who will treat one as they want to be treated. And through another behaving in certain ways, one will end up feeling loved.
However, just because someone is in love, it doesn’t mean that their relationship is the same as someone else’s. This is surely because love means different things to different people.
But while there will be differences, there is also going to be similarities. And some of these are going to include: being treated with respect; to have another listen to what they have to say and to be interested in what they do say; for them to generally be there when they need emotional or physical support and comfort and to experience trust and honesty.
These are just a few of what could be described as essential elements in a relationship and there are naturally going to be others. One might have a one thing or a few things that they must have, even though it might not be needed by another person.
As we are all different and have different needs and wants, this is to be expected. It is not something that one should feel bad about or try to deny.
So when someone has these requirements, as mentioned above, they are not looking for perfection or anything out of the ordinary. And if one is prepared to give what they are looking to receive from another, then they are not looking for anything that they won’t give in return.
Whereas if one was looking to receive what they were not prepared to give, then there is going to be an imbalance. And this would not be ideal when it comes to attracting or even maintaining a relationship with someone who does have them.
To have these traits oneself can make it easier for one to attract and to maintain a relationship with another person. That is if their mind and body are in harmony and not in conflict.
Out Of Reach
Even though to be loved in this way is not too much to ask, for some people, it can feel as though they are asking for far too much. And that what they are asking for will never be met by anyone. It then doesn’t matter that they live on a planet that has billions of people; as it is always the same story.
The person might look different, but the experience and the outcome, ends up being the same. Their mind can then come to the conclusion that they are different to others and while other people can have a loving relationship, they can’t.
And if ones personal reality is always the same when it comes to the people they attract, then these conclusion and many others, are not much of a surprise. The external experiences and how ones feels and thinks on the inside are going to lead to frustration and pain.
So this can include people who are in relationships and people who can never seem to get in one. But regardless of this, there will be similarities that each person can relate to.
When it comes to a relationship, it could be that one attracts and is attracted to people who are emotionally unavailable. They are physically there and yet they either, can’t or won’t offer anything else. It could be that one ends up with someone who is abusive in some way and they definitely can’t love one as they want to be loved.
And if one is not in a relationship, but has the desire to be in one, then they could be drawn to people who are unavailable. So perhaps this could be someone who is already in a relationship, travels the world or is not looking for anything at this time in their life.
What happens can be different or one could find that they constantly attract the same experience, but their emotional experience is likely to be the same; as are their thoughts and beliefs.
Emotionally one might end up feeling: anger, frustration and even rage. And if they were to go deeper or if these feelings were to subside, they could feel: rejected, abandoned, worthless, powerless and hopeless, amongst others.
So on one side one has the desire to be around someone who can actually love them and yet, what keeps showing up is the complete opposite. It is clear that something is out of alignment.
This comes down to what ones ego mind, the brain just above their stomach, has associated as being safe. And what this brain has associated as safe can have nothing to do with what one consciously wants or what is healthy.
It is this brain that will define what one attracts and doesn’t attract into their life and not what is going on in their head. And these associations are usually formed when one was a child and this means that as an adult, one can have no recollection of what happened during these years.
If they were to get in touch with what took place, it might become clear as to why they are attracted to and attract the same people. While the mind forgets, the body doesn’t; the answers to why one attracts what they do into their life are likely to be found in the body and not the mind.
So how ones caregivers treated them from when they were a baby and throughout their childhood years, will play a big part in what ones relationships are like with other adults.
And if one continually looks for love in all the wrong places, then it is likely that their caregivers were also unable to love them. Perhaps they were emotionally unavailable or abusive in some and were not able to give them the emotional nurturing that they desperately needed.
And this would have had two consequences. On one side will be how it would have made one feel. Here one could have felt: abandoned, rejected, worthless, powerless and hopeless and even that they were going to die.
And on the other side would have been the associations that the ego mind formed around being brought up by someone who was either emotionally unavailable or abusive for instance.
So being emotionally distant from others can then end up being what feels comfortable at a deeper level; as to get close to another could cause one to be abandoned again or even harmed in some way.
Years will have gone by and one will look different physically, but they could still feel the same as they did all those years ago. And while it is painful to not attract the right person, there is likely to be more pain if one did attract someone who was loving and available.
Not because a loving person would intentionally harm another, but because of what it would trigger from their past. These feelings will define how one behaves and how they interpret another person’s behaviour.
The emotional pain of being abandoned will need to be dealt with, as will the pain of another person getting close. These feelings will be trapped in one’s body, and as they are released, ones relationships will change.
This can be done with the assistance of a therapist or a healer who will allow one to get in touch with their feelings and gradually release them.
While it is clear that one has a physical body, what might not be as clear is that one also has an emotional body. So much attention has been placed on the mind or what could be called the mental body, that emotions often seen as being insignificant.
And that the only time emotions do appear is when one has certain thoughts. This often creates the impression that emotions are just an effect of how one does or doesn’t think. Based on this outlook, one’s mind is in control and emotions are at the mercy of one’s thoughts.
If one was to go along with this and adhere to the perspective that their thoughts are in control, then it will be vital that one ‘masters’ their mind. And if ones thoughts create their feelings, then what else would someone do.
In order to change something, it is often said that one needs to go to the root of the problem. And with thoughts being seen as the cause, it is only natural that one would place their attention solely on their mind.
A Deeper Look
However, just because something has been around for a while, is believed by a lot of people or is something that ‘experts’ or authority figures stand by, it doesn’t mean that it is the truth. What was seen as being correct at one point in time can be seen as completely inaccurate at another time.
Thoughts can define how one feels; to think about a beach is generally going to make one feel different than if they were to think about their house being destroyed. And while this is true, ones feelings can also play a part in how they think.
To hear that humans are emotional beings that think might sound out of place. What might sound more accurate would be to say that we are thinking beings that feel. And as much as one might want to see themselves as always acting through logic or reason, behaviour is generally the result of how we feel.
After this, the mind gets involved and creates some kind of logical reason or justification for how one has behaved. But no matter how what the mind comes up with, emotions were the driving force.
So not only can our emotional body influence how we think, it can also have an impact on our physical body. And yet through a lack of awareness when it comes to emotions and the effect they have, dis-ease is generally seen as being a consequence of one’s DNA for instance.
But just because one is unaware of something, it doesn’t mean that it is not having an effect on their life. Emotions can be ignored and dismissed when it comes to ones physical health and yet that doesn’t mean that one is immune to their effects.
One thing that could make one want to heal their emotional body is due to them suffering from emotional problems. But, even if one doesn’t think that they have emotional problems, they might find that they behave in ways that are dysfunctional and that their mind is out of control.
These two things might appear to have nothing to do with how one feels and yet how one feels can be the cause of what is going on in their mind and how they behave. For example, if one is experiencing emotions that are not too pleasant, one way of dealing with them, in the short term, is to obsessively think about something or to become addicted to doing something.
What the mind is doing is regulating how one feels. And if these feelings were not there one wouldn’t need to become obsessed with ideas or fantasy’s or addicted to people or rituals, simply because their emotional body would be at ease.
Although it can seem as though emotions are only experienced in one part of one’s body or even that their mind is creating these emotions, each emotion that one feels is experienced in a different area of their body.
The chest area is where one can feel: abandoned, rejected, grief, sadness and loss. Above the stomach one can feel: hopeless, powerless, shame, loss of control and death. And further down, in the stomach, is where guilt can be felt and then under that in ones hips, is where fear can be felt.
There are other emotions and other places; these are some of the main areas.
So while one can feel guilt when they have gone against their own values or feel rejected when a relationship ends and then gradually settle down, it is also possible for someone to end up being stuck there.
And to constantly feel guilty, rejected or even ashamed or to feel this way in certain environments is going to cause one to suffer. When one ends up being emotionally stuck, it can be the result of having trapped emotions in their body.
One of the biggest reasons why someone has trapped emotions in their body is because they have experienced some kind of trauma. As their feelings were not processed, they then stayed in their body. This could relate to: childhood abuse, the loss of a loved one or a car accident.
The Usual Approach
Now, when it comes to dealing with the emotional body and releasing these emotions, to enable one to be emotionally free, a masculine approach is not what is needed. This approach is all about doing and not being.
When one feels down about something, it is common for people to say: stay positive, keep your head up or they should just let go, amongst other things. And while his would work if it related to something physical in nature, emotions are not physical things.
The mind can repress or deny what is too painful to face. But this is unlikely to deal with how one feels, it is simply avoidance. These emotions can then end up being trapped in one’s body and control their whole life.
And while the mind can live in a fantasy world and pretend that everything is fine, the body, as well as their relationships, will reveal exactly what is going on for someone. The body doesn’t lie as Alice Miller once said; whereas the mind can be full of lies and illusions.
One problem with today’s world is that we often ignore the body and only listen to what the mind has to say. The truth is then ignored and what is not true becomes the truth and this can include the world at large and our own personal lives.
So if the trapped emotions are not dealt with through doing or through force, how are they dealt with? They have to be faced and felt and as this is done, they will gradually be released. This is unlikely to be something that happens overnight and could take a while.
The assistance of a therapist or a healer might be necessary. If one was to face their emotions by themselves, it could be overwhelming.
In recent studies, men have been shown to suffer more than women when a relationship comes to an end. And while some people would not have been surprised to hear this, for others, it was unexpected and even dismissed.
Even though men have emotions just like women, this doesn’t always appear to be the case and they are often portrayed as having an inability to show emotions by women and the media. Men are often stoic and the emotions that they do express are often limited to a few emotions, such as: anger and frustration.
So what these studies have done is created awareness around the fact that although men don’t always show their emotions, it doesn’t mean that they don’t have them. And the reasons they don’t show them is partly due to the pressures that men face and what it generally means to be a man.
Times are changing and while a man has been seen as the provider for so long, this is a role that they are not always expected to play in today’s world. For when they played this role, they had to be seen as strong and unbreakable; as being immune to pain and to give of the impression that nothing ever affected them.
And as a man was expected to be this way, a woman had to play the role of being passive and weak. But, women have gradually been realising their power and the need for a provider is no longer as important as it used to be; simply because the chances are often there for women to provide for themselves.
But while changes have been taking place, in regards to what it means to be a man and what it means to be a woman, the pressure to conform to the old roles is still there for people. For if ones identity is based on playing a certain role and this causes them to feel empowered for instance, there is naturally going to be resistance when it comes to change.
Even if these roles are dysfunctional and unhealthy, it doesn’t mean that one is simply going to let them go; especially if what they will have to let go of is seen being less than what they will end up with.
And if a man was to show his emotions and not just the ones that are seen as acceptable, but their full range of emotions, there is going to be the chance that he will be labelled. This label is unlikely to be one that causes him to feel empowered.
What it could do is cause him to feel emasculated and that he will no longer be accepted or respected by others. And this will be seen as something that that could isolate him from other men and women.
So it could be said that until men are seen as having emotions and that it’s acceptable for them to have them, there are going to be a lot of men who will continue suffer in silence. Just as there are women who feel the pressure to be passive and that they have to deny their personal power.
What is acceptable is for women to show their emotions and for men to repress them. This is generally what is classed as normal and yet just because something is normal, it doesn’t mean it is healthy.
And as a result of this, it is only natural that some women will handle breaks up differently to how some men do. Women can feel as though it’s okay for them to embrace their emotions, whereas men can come to the conclusion that they have to deny them and to pretend they don’t exist.
So when one person feels comfortable with something, they are going to behave differently to someone who doesn’t feel the same. Women, through feeling comfortable with their emotions, usually have friends and family who they can open up to. Through them embracing their emotions, it can lead to their feelings being released instead of trapped in their body.
And as they can do this, they don’t have the same need to deny how they feel and to channel their feelings into something destructive. To see a woman upset is generally not going to have the same affect on people as it would if a man was upset.
As men don’t always feel comfortable with having emotions, there is less chance that they will have friends who they can open up to and they might not even reveal how they feel to their family. And as a man doesn’t embrace them, they can end up being trapped in their body.
So when they are not faced and the support is not there, their emotions can end up being repressed and channelled into things that are destructive. These could lead them to taking drugs, drinking alcohol or fighting, as a way to numb their pain.
Emotional Build Up
And if a woman has always felt comfortable with expressing her emotions, then she is unlikely to have an emotional build up. So when a relationships ends, there won’t be any emotional pain from the past to increase her present pain.
However, when it comes to a man who has repressed his emotions for most of his life; their present pain could end up being intensified through having repressed emotions triggered. Emotional pain from the break up and from many years of repression, could end up being overwhelming.
To say that all women are comfortable with their emotions and all men are not would be inaccurate. And yet women are expected to be in touch with how they feel and men are not.
Men not only have the right to express how they feel, they also need to. If a man wants to be emotionally healthy, then it is imperative that they change how they view their emotions and how they deal with them.
This is why the assistance of a therapist, healer a coach can be so important. Through another’s assistance, one can gradually form a different relationship with their emotions. If a man is suffering emotionally, reaching out for support is the healthiest thing to do.
One could be in a relationship that is going extremely well and out of nowhere, it could end up being on the rocks; leaving one in a place of uncertainty as to whether it will last or not. It could also be a relationship that is not going to well either.
However, just because something seems to be going well, based on one’s perspective, it doesn’t mean that this perspective is shared by the other person. To them, certain areas of the relationship could be creating conflict and be a sign that it is not working or they could have distanced themselves completely.
So physically they are there and yet emotionally they may have checked out. In their mind it has been over for many weeks, months and this could even be for many years, in extreme cases. And as there are two people in a relationship and not one and each of them have their own reality that includes different needs and wants, it is to be expected that there will be different outlooks.
This is why communication plays such an important role in what does or doesn’t happen in a relationship. It is often said that human beings are not mind readers and that another needs to tell them what is on their mind or what it is they need or want for instance.
And while some people are good at reading people and have a good intuition or sense, it is still important for each person to talk. If one has been with someone for a while, their ability to read them could be good, but this doesn’t mean they will always be right
Without each person talking about what is going on, information will have to be gained through other means and what is attained through these ways could end up being far from accurate.
On one side there is the chance that one can gain an accurate understanding of what is going on for the other person and therefore how this is affecting the relationship. And yet there is also the chance that one could end up being way off and end up creating further problems.
So if there is no communication taking place in a relationship, one could start to form assumptions, talk to friends who have their own projections and create even more confusion or read magazines or books that don’t reflect what is going on.
These are just examples, but what they show is that it is very easy to form conclusions that have very little to do with the reality of a situation.
Once the mind has started to form associations around what is going on in the relationship, it won’t matter if they are true or not. As the mind will project these associations onto the other person and can end up blocking out what goes against them.
So what this means is that one can end up seeing things that don’t really exist and believing what has no basis in reality. This is why gaining more information, no matter where or who it is from, can end up creating more problems.
While one may have friends who want to give their opinions on the matter and even tell one what they should be doing, based on what they think is happening, this can often make matters worse.
This is because they could have their own issues to do with the opposite or same sex or with the person that one is with and instead of seeing ones partner for who they are, they end up projecting their issues onto them.
Hearing from someone who is not emotionally connected and can therefore speak from a more subjective place can make a big difference though. And having someone who can just listen and allow one to get everything of their chest can also enable one to integrate everything.
Through this, clarity can appear and one can know what their next step is; without needing another person to express their own views.
So while other people’s views can create more confusion when it comes to whether ones relationship is over or not, there are common signs that can shed some light on what is happening. The most important thing is that one doesn’t just accept these and thinks about whether they are true or not, to avoid seeing things that don’t exist.
If communication has broken down, this could show that the other person has withdrawn and doesn’t want to continue. Just because one is with another adult, it doesn’t mean that they are emotionally an adult.
And so instead of them opening up about how they feel, they might end up retracting and using silence as a way to communicate that it’s over. If they were more comfortable with their emotions, this might not happen.
When communication does break down it is likely to cause one’s mind to fill in the gaps. So one can construct reasons as to why the other person is not getting in touch and what will soon happen.
And while some of these ideas could be accurate and have a lot to do with what is happening for the other person, they could also end up being completely false. If one feels as though their relationship is coming to an end and this is someone they appreciate or love, then it is only natural that they are going to experience emotional pain.
So as a way to avoid feeling this pain, the mind can come up with all kinds of scenarios. Here, one might imagine that they will get back together and everything will be fine, for example. These could cause one to feel better, but they might have nothing to do with reality.
To be in a highly emotional state is not going to allow one to see clearly and so they may need to seek some kind of assistance in order to settle down. For if one feels settled, it is going to be easier to know what to do next.
And it can also make it easier for one to let go and to give the other person space. When strong emotions appear, one can become overly attached and this can end up pushing the other person away. As through one behaving in this way, the other person ends up feeling overwhelmed and is given another reason to end the relationship.
Ultimately, the only person who can truly know if it’s over or not is oneself. No other can know what it was like before and what it is like now. And if one puts their fantasies to one side and gives up their wishful thinking, the answers will gradually appear.
When a relationship does end, it can be incredible painful and this is why letting go is not always easy. Emotions that match the current experience can arise, as can emotions from ones childhood.
This is why the assistance of a therapist, healer or a coach can be beneficial. Asking for help does not mean that one is weak; it is a sign of strength and the healthy thing to do.
While anxiety is just one of many emotions that one can experience throughout their life and without too many problems arising, it can also be something that ends up being completely out of control. It is then not just another emotion that one can experience; it is something that can end up defining ones whole life.
Fear for example, is something that can help or hinder one’s life. If fear was removed from someone and they didn’t have the ability to feel it, it would be dangerous. They would end up doing things that are far from safe and it probably wouldn’t be long until their life would come to an end.
When fear is in its rightful place and not out of control, it will allow one to survive. To instinctively know if something is safe or not is vital for ones survival and not something that should be resisted.
And yet if one was in a constant state of fear, their life is not going to be too pleasant either. To be in this position could cause one to be paralysed with fear and their whole life would then come to a standstill. Life would not be something that one embraces and therefore enjoys; it would be something they do their best to avoid.
Out Of Control
So emotions are not negative per se, but they can end up limiting ones quality of life, if they end up being out of control. If one is being controlled by their emotions and not experiencing any kind of self control, then there will be problems.
For one to be in a place of constant happiness and joy is not likely to be seen as ‘negative’ at first glance. However, to be this way all the time could cause one to overlook parts of their life and to even deny certain problems that arise in their life.
This would not be healthy and yet there are probably more people in the world today that are stuck when it comes to seeing life in a ‘negative’ way, than people who are stuck when it comes to seeing life in a ‘positive’ way.
And this is surely why fear and anxiety is something that is high on the list of what are described as being mental and emotional problems. And not people who suffer from being overly happy or joyful for instance.
Anxiety is something that one can experience more or less all of the time or it can be something that only appears in certain situations. And even when there is nothing going on externally and one is an environment that is reasonably safe for instance, it can still appear.
So this means that while there may be an external reason for its appearance, it can also appear without anyone being around and as a result of what is going on in their mind and body.
And while anxiety can be something one experiences most of the time, it can also appear: just before one has an exam, in social situations, when it comes to talking to the opposite sex and around authority figures.
When anxiety is experienced, one is going to find that their breathing rate increases. Panic to one degree or another will appear, as will the feeling of being overwhelmed. This is not an experience where one is going to feel a sense of control or personal power.
One’s mind is going to create all kinds of scenarios, as well as different thoughts. But these thoughts could end up being crowded out by how one feels. So the whole thing could end up being more of an emotional experience than a mental one.
Thoughts are often said to create how one feels and based on this outlook, it would then be important for one to change how they think. Through doing this, they would be able to either lower their anxiety or stop it from appearing altogether.
And for some people this will work and that will be the end of it. But what this doesn’t look at is what is going on at a deeper level. Because even though so much attention has been placed on our thoughts when it comes to our level of mental and emotional health, inherently, we are emotional beings.
How we feel can also define how we think and out thoughts are not always in control. Anxiety is similar to anger, in that, it is there to warn someone that their survival is under threat or that it could be.
So when one is in an environment where this is the case, anxiety is doing what it needs to do and that is to keep one alive. However, when ones survival is not under threat and they still feel anxious, it is clear that something else is going on.
The body can carry trapped emotions and this can be due to one experiencing some kind of trauma. And as the trauma was never processed, it has stayed in their body.
This could have been in their adult life or through what happened during their childhood years. It doesn’t have to be something that was extremely traumatising, as it could relate to something that was fairly mild and yet gradually wore one down.
So time has passed and their mind might have even forgotten about what happened, but their body remembers and still carries the emotional pain and therefore continues to experience life in the same way. And these trapped emotions will define how one interprets their reality.
Under the anxiety could be the feeling of being powerless, that one has no control and even that they are going to die, amongst others; with these feelings being held just above their stomach. For if one didn’t feel this way and felt a sense of power, there is unlikely to be the need to feel so anxious.
And these feelings can seem completely out of place based on ones current environment. But if one was to see get in touch with what happened to them in their past, these feelings could be normal and expected.
So as these trapped emotions are released from their body, their anxiety levels are likely to change. And this can be done with the assistance of a therapist or a healer who will allow one to get in touch with their emotions and gradually release them.
Although it is vital for human begins to have boundaries, it doesn’t mean that they always have them. And this could be the case with some areas of their life or it could apply to each and every area of their life.
Ultimately, boundaries protect ones personal space and therefore stop others from doing things that could cause them harm. This doesn’t mean that one will never feel compromised or violated, but through having boundaries, these kinds of experiences are likely to occur a lot less often.
One doesn’t have to live in an environment that is war torn or extremely hostile for instance, in order to be around people who will cause them to feel violated in one way or another. Someone could do something that is not intended to take advantage of another and they could end up feeling this way.
And this is largely because each one of us is different and therefore feels comfortable with different things. What would be classed as acceptable to one person or in a certain culture might not be acceptable to another person or another culture.
But without even bringing different cultures into this, there are clear differences within the same culture. So one person could have absolutely no intention of infringing on another person space and yet that’s exactly what happens.
While there can be certain things that are generally recognised as inappropriate, there are going to be many others things that are personal and the average person might have no idea as to what these are.
This is why it is so important that one speaks up and stands their ground during these moments. Another person might be doing something on purpose or they might be completely oblivious, but as long as one notifies the other person, then there is a greater chance that they will stop.
Some people might carry on regardless and if this is the case, alternate action will need to be taken; from evasive action, to help from the authorities. However, when this relates to minor or accidental behaviour from others, the need to be assertive will arise.
And in order to do this, one must have their needs at the forefront of their mind and not the needs of another. If one is focused on pleasing another and on not causing any problems for example, then they might let another person walk all over them.
So one must value themselves and their own wellbeing or they could allow another to harm them, just to avoid being rejected or abandoned. This doesn’t mean that being assertive is about one becoming aggressive or manipulative.
What it does mean is that one will protect themselves in a way that causes minimal damage to others. In the majority of cases another person won’t be harmed, but if one was in a situation that had put their life or the lives of the people around them at risk, then one might need to go further.
However, it will typically be non violent and will be just be a way for one to look after their own being.
So if one already has boundaries and the people around them are aware of this, then there are not going to be many surprises. That is unless one goes into a new environment, but then the people in this new environment might not know what to expect.
When it comes to someone who hasn’t had boundaries and then begins to develop them, the people around them could be in for a big surprise. This is because they will have become comfortable with how one used to behave and now that they are changing, it is likely to create conflict.
In The Beginning
Over time, they might adapt or it could result in the relationship ending completely; it will naturally depend on many factors. But when one has just started to assert their boundaries, there could be resistance from others.
And this is going to be from the people that one spends most of their time with and all because these people are likely to have fixed ideas about what one is or is not like. So: friends, family, their partner and colleagues for example.
If one has let others walk all over them, agreed to do things they didn’t really want to do or let others touch them in ways that are inappropriate, then it is only natural that other people are going to react strongly when one no longer puts up with being treated in these ways.
As a result of one changing, there is as strong chance that the people around them will come on even stronger. This will be done to make one behave in the ways that they used to. And when this does happen, it is likely to be something that happens unconsciously and out of their awareness.
So one will need to stand their ground and do their best not to revert to their old ways or behaving. If another continues to behave in the same way and doesn’t change, then one might need to keep their distance or cut them out of their life altogether.
On one side will be the emotional experience that one is having through standing their ground. And this could involve feelings of being abandoned and rejected. Because even though one is starting to protect their personal space and doing the right thing, it could also trigger feelings that make them feel as though their survival is at risk.
And on the other side will be the emotional experience of the people that have been used to one having no boundaries. The experience that they have could also include feelings of being rejected and abandoned.
One doesn’t need to have done either, but when one says no to things they would have said yes to, other people can end up having these feelings and taking everything personally. And the feelings they are having could go back to their childhood and be a sign that they need to emotionally separate from their caregivers.
So when one forms boundaries for the first time there is going to be ones experience and the experience that another person has. However, one is not responsible for how other people feel and having boundaries means that one is not always going to please others.
One reason why forming boundaries can feel so difficult, even though it is healthy and functional, is due to ones history appearing. If one has not emotionally separated from their caregivers, then to separate from others is going trigger trapped feelings form their childhood that relate to their survival.
The assistance of a therapist or a healer may be required in order for one to release these trapped feelings and emotions. And as this take place, one will find it easier to stand their ground when they need to.
When someone has experienced some kind of abuse as a child and this could be physical emotional, verbal or sexual, there is often the need to recover as fast as possible. To look for the answers and to find the solution or solutions that will make everything better.
This is natural and must partly reflect that part of human nature that causes one to want something instantly and without delay. That childlike part of us that is not prepared to wait a moment longer.
Another outlook would be to say that life is short and why should one wait any longer than they need to. Plus, as anyone will know who has experienced pain as a result of one of the options above, it is far from pleasurable and can make life unbearable.
And one thing is certain, and that is that one should not suffer unnecessarily in life. If something or someone can assist them and put an end to their suffering, then it is imperative that one takes advantage of the help available.
But although reaching out for support is important and essential in most cases, it doesn’t mean that this is what always happens. If one has been abused for instance, they can end up carrying a lot of shame and even think that what took place was normal.
This means that they could put up with it and instead of realising that the people around them were dysfunctional, they come to conclude that they were the problem. And if one sees themselves this way, then feeling flawed is going to be expected.
So what these scenarios create is a heavy burden and the outlook that there is something inherently wrong with them.
To look for solutions and to ask the right people for guidance is what one needs to do, but the shame that they carry can sabotage the whole process. And as well as shame, there could be fear, guilt and the feeling that one is worthless.
Each of these will come together and could put the brakes on ones healing journey and in the worst case scenario, they could completely derail it.
However, once someone has reached out and starts to receive the support that they need, it would be natural for them to want to move on as quickly as they can. Some people might be happy to just go with the process that has been laid out by others or that they have laid out themselves.
And there are many options out there, from: healers, therapists, psychologists, counsellors, coaches and support groups. There will be people who deal with the mind and others who will deal with the body. While one option might be seen as being better than another, each one of these options can have a time and a place for someone.
What matters is not what others think of these options, how they rate them or the experiences they have had. It will come down to what ones needs are and what is right for them. And that is something that one must ultimately decide for themselves: no other can make this decision.
Other people might have been through a similar experience to what one went through or so it seems and because of this one starts to compare themselves with them. And perhaps they had the kind of therapy that one is having and their progress was faster or they chose to heal themselves in other ways.
Doubt could then fill one’s mind and the feeling that they will never change could arise. However, it irrelevant what another person is doing or is not doing. What matters is that one honours their own journey and does what they need to do.
It might not match up with others and could seem to be taking longer, but then one is not here to be a carbon copy of another human being. They are on their own journey and one that cannot be compared with another human being.
On one side can be the need for heal quickly and to move on as fast as one can. And this need can then backed up by healing techniques or certain therapies that offer one the chance to cut back on the amount of time it would take with alternate means.
For some people this will be possible and for others it won’t be enough. When it comes to the first example, the reasons the technique works so fast for them is probably because they are at that stage in their development and has little to do with the technique itself.
In the second example, there could be the need for one to have a certain amount of mirroring and attunement from a therapist in order to heal. And this is something that can’t be rushed.
It can all depend on how much damage was done in their early years and what one has done since those years. The therapist/ healer is also just as important, if not more important, than the type of therapy involved. As if one doesn’t trust them, then they won’t be able to let go and allow themselves to heal.
Emotional repression is common in the today’s world and if one experienced a childhood that was less than nurturing, it is likely that they had to repress their emotions. And while certain therapies will just touch the surface, there are others that will go a lot deeper and allow one to release them.
And how ready they are to heal will often define what kind of therapy they are drawn to; either consciously or unconsciously. If ones repressed emotions were to come up at the wrong time and with the wrong therapist, it could be overwhelming.
When they do appear, it could be because one is with the right person or people who will allow them to release them or it because one will soon find the right assistance.
At times it might feel like nothing is happening and that the answers that one wants are nowhere to be found, and this is where the importance of trust comes in. Each step that one takes is leading them to where they need to be.
The process of healing might not happen as fast as one wants it to, but it is happening at a rate that suits ones personal evolution. And as long as one keeps going, what they need will gradually appear.
There are many forms of bullying around today and some of these are more overt than others. At times, this is done in a way that is so subtle, that it can take place without anyone even noticing.
And while bullying has taken place for many, many years, and is nothing new, the internet has created new ways for it to occur. No longer do they need to be face to face with someone, they can do it from a safe distance and even anonymously.
It also doesn’t matter how old someone is, what colour their skin is or where they are from either, as it can happen to anyone.
So it is vital that when someone is being bullied, that they don’t put up with it and that they reach out for support. Because if someone has just started being bullied or has been in this position for quite some time, they might come to the conclusion that they deserve it.
It could be taken personally and as a sign of one’s true value. However, what it does reveal is the mental and emotional state of the person that is doing the bullying. And how they are the ones who need to engage in some kind of self reflection and to look into what they are projecting onto other people.
What is clear is that when someone does bully another, they are unaware of how their own projections are defining how they see another. And that what the other person is or is not doing is more or less irrelevant.
All the other people are doing is triggering something within them and through a lack of awareness around what this is; they act out and inflict the pain or the conflict that they are experiencing onto others.
So if their level of self awareness increased, it is likely that their need to bully others would also subside; simply because they are taking responsibility for their own issues, instead of projecting them onto others.
Now, just because someone doesn’t deserve to be treated badly by others, it doesn’t mean that they believe this. And this could be something one is consciously aware of or something that is just below the surface for example.
When one does have this outlook about themselves on the inside, it will be known externally through how they behave and the energetic resonance they give off. But while these two things could reflect that one doesn’t value themselves, it doesn’t mean that they are aware of it.
Although it can appear as though bullies chose people at random and that anyone will do, there is usually a lot more to it than that. This doesn’t mean that they consciously select people, as it can happen unconsciously and without them needing to think about who they can take advantage of.
There is going to be certain types of behaviour that they look for in others; if they don’t behave in these ways, then they might not even bother. So even though there are going to be wide range of behaviours, there are going to be ones that continually appear.
And what can be common for people who are bullied is the inability to stand up for themselves. So having boundaries and therefore being able to say no, could be something they struggle with.
Letting people walk all over them and to do as other people say could be what feels safe. And this causes them to be submissive and passive: the perfect combination for a bully. It will be like honey to a bee.
This is not to say that this is what always happens; as it is also possible for people who are able to stand up for themselves to be gradually worn down.
In order for someone to find it difficult to stand their ground and to have strong and healthy boundaries, no matter what their age, there has to be a reason for it. It could be that they have had experiences in their adult life that have worn them down.
But what is more likely is that the kind of childhood that they had set them up to be a target. This doesn’t have to be a childhood that was overly abusive though; it could be due to something that was a lot less severe, but left a mark nevertheless.
One may have been brought up by caregivers that didn’t allow them to say no or to realise that they had their own personal space. And how this personal space is sacred and needs to be protected. So letting other people onto their space is then normal and it then doesn’t feel safe for them to do anything about it.
A more extreme example would relate to someone who was physically abused by their caregiver/s. Their personal space would have been completely violated and it would not have been possible for them to protect themselves.
And what these kinds of experiences would have done is make one vulnerable to being treated badly by others. From a young age, they were conditioned to put up with this kind of behaviour. This is then what became normal and familiar and familiar is what is classed as safe to the ego mind.
So if one finds that they continually end up in situations where they are being taken advantage off, then it might be necessary for them to look at their history. The past can’t be changed, but what happened in the past would have created certain beliefs and caused one to experience certain feelings.
It is possible that how one felt would have ended up being trapped in their body. So these beliefs will need to be changed and the trapped feelings will need to be released. Ones behaviour will then change and the energetic resonance they give off will also change.
This can be done with the assistance of a therapist, healer or a coach. Or one could engage in some kind of self reflection and make the changes themselves. The type of help that one needs can all depend on how much of a challenge this is.
For people who are into self development, the term ‘inner child’ could be something they are familiar with. And not only could they be familiar with this term, but they might also feel comfortable with it.
When it comes to people who are not into self development, the whole thing could sound a bit airy fairy. And be seen as yet another reason for them to avoid going into this area or doing any work on themselves.
But while the above could be true, it can also be possible for the people who are into self development to dismiss it and for people who are not, to embrace the whole thing. It is not black and white, and will depend on a whole host of factors.
It is generally said that the inner child resides just above the stomach and this is also the area of the ego. Another way to describe this area is to say that its where ones personal power is to be found. So if one is experiencing challenges when it comes to feeling empowered, this area of their body needs to be looked at.
How stable or unstable one feels emotionally, is also largely defined by what is going on in this part of the body. And recent studies have shown that over ninety percent of serotonin and over fifty percent of dopamine is made in this area.
The Other Brain
To some people this might be a surprise, but if one has a good connection to their body and is reasonably self aware, it might not be. The fact that their gut and not the brain in their head is defining how they feel could be something they have always sensed or known.
So the inner child or whatever one wants to call this part of themselves, is in an area of the body that has incredible power over how they feel. And while the ego is often seen as negative or dysfunctional, in many ways, ones ego is simply an expression of their inner child.
The inner child will be made up of images, sensations, thoughts, beliefs and feelings. And even though it is the area above ones stomach where the inner child resides, its presence can still include other areas of one’s body.
So their chest, lower stomach, hips and muscles for instance, can all contain the memories and feelings of their inner child. But the focal point, in terms of how one feels, will be above the stomach.
The kind of experiences that one had as a baby and a child will largely define what ones inner child is like. So there will be two important factors here, how one was treated during these years and how one interpreted how they were treated.
In astrology for example, it is said that one’s moon sign represents their inner child. So if one is open to this, it shows that it is not just ones caregivers that will have shaped what one was like growing up. It also depends on how one interpreted what happened and this is going be partly influenced by the moon sign that they have.
But with ones moon sign put to ones side, it is clear that the kind of experiences that one had growing up will have had an impact on the kind of condition their inner child is in. Because although one will have physically grown up, their emotional development could have stayed the same and reflect how they felt as a child.
And the child it does reflect is likely to be their inner child. So if ones childhood experiences were generally nurturing and supportive, this inner child could cause very few problems. And yet if one had a childhood was far from nurturing and supportive, then this inner child is going to continually remind them.
Or it might have just been a one of experience that was traumatic and left a mark. And something doesn’t have to be overly traumatic to leave a mark; it could be something that just happened on a regular basis.
And unless someone was around to acknowledge ones feelings and to allow them to be processed, they would have stayed trapped in one’s body. So while one physically grew up, their emotional body ended up staying the same.
One could have had experiences that caused them to feel: ager, rage, grief, sadness, abandoned, rejected, powerless, hopeless, trapped, shame, guilt, burdened, worthless and even of wanting to die.
So years will have gone by and one could easily have become cut off from these experiences. But even though this is the case, things will happen to make one take notice of what needs to be looked at in their body.
One could find that they over react to things that happen in their relationships or that they feel down and depressed for no apparent reason for example. However, if they were to take the time to tune into this part of themselves, they might find that it is calling out to be heard.
Grieving The Past
And while the past cannot be changed, it doesn’t mean that the emotional charge of the past can’t be removed. The emotional pain that one’s inner child is experiencing needs to be faced and released.
As this happens, ones level of emotional development will increase and they will start to let go of their emotional baggage.
One can be assisted in this process through the help of a therapist or a healer. Here, one will gradually get in touch with their trapped emotions and feelings and release them. The time it takes will partly depend on how much of a build up one has and how ready they are to let go.
Oliver JR Cooper
Teacher, Author, Transformational Writer & Consultant - With Over 2,000,000 Article Views Online.
That which is contained within these articles is based on my own empirical understanding and is true for me at the time they were written. However, as I continue to grow, what I perceive as the truth will inevitably change and as a result of this - parts of these articles may not reflect my current outlook.
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A Dialogue With The Heart - Part Two
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