No matter what one lays their eyes upon in the media, they are going to come across something that has been sexualised. And it won’t matter if what they are looking at has a reason to be that way or not, as it often doesn’t matter. It is no longer a case of spot what has been sexualised, what is has become about is spot what hasn’t. But like anything that has been around for a certain amount of time, it starts to become normal. And after a while, the mind can start to filter things out that are familiar. So what did stand out in the beginning, as its familiarity increases, it will be ignored and it can even end up being invincible as time passes. Sex This perfectly reflects what has taken place with sex in the media; as it’s so widespread now, it is easy to overlook it. From here, one can place their attention on something else that stands out as being not right or out of place. There is naturally doing to be differing views in regards to the widespread use of sex in the media. For some it won’t be a problem, and for others it will be something that creates problems and therefore they will believe that it needs to change. Protection If one has children, it could different to someone who hasn’t. And this is to be expected, as children need a certain amount of protection and their exposure to certain things needs to be limited as they are still growing and developing. Children are generally seen as being more pure and innocent than adults are, and this needs to be looked after. As they have minds that are like sponges and are still developing, it is vital that they are not influenced by anything that could harm then in the short term and as a long term consequence. The Media So one could be watching an advert that is selling some kind of food and they soon become aware of how sex has been used. Or it could be so subtle, that it goes on without one being aware of it. And while there is very little connection between the two, they have managed to seamlessly bind the two together. Music videos are another common area where there are not only minor sexual influences, but influences that leave little to the imagination. And as these are so accessible to people of all ages, it is understandable that parents and authority figures are concerned. Control In the past it would have been easier to limit how much exposure children had to the media, but now this is a lot harder. And one of the reasons for this is the internet and how accessible it has become. One outlook could be that anything sexual should be banned from the media. But while this is highly unlikely to take place, it would also be a bit extreme. To see sex as something ‘bad and to repress this side of human nature, would be a sign of regression and no progression. Self Definition When someone is growing up, they are naturally going to look towards others for guidance in how they should behave. What is acceptable and what is not and what will lead to approval, will also be at the forefront of their mind. So if people in music videos are behaving and dressing in a certain way and these videos are looked upon as what one should aspire to, then there is going to very little resistance. And one will then mimic what they have seen and make it part of who they are; regardless of whether it is functional or healthy. Education And this is why education is so important; while so much of what one is exposed to has been sexualised, it is imperative that there is another source or voice out that that enables people to get a sense of perspective. To put sex in its rightful place and not as something that is allowed to completely consume one’s life. This is going to be important for the younger generation, and yet adults are not immune from being influenced by the media. So while it is likely to be different kind of education for people that are younger than the people that are older, there could still be some parallels in what needs to be taught or realised. Why? One of the most obvious reasons as to why the media sexualises things is because ‘sex sells’. That is nothing new and it is something that most people would have thought about. This works on the pleasure/pain dynamic and allows one to elevate their mood through coming into contact with all that has been sexualised Another thing it does is stop one from thinking. All the time ones awareness is in their body and not in their mind, their ability to think is greatly reduced. And when people don’t think, they are a lot easier to control and influence. Consequences On one side then, there is the potential for one to feel good through coming into contact with things that have been sexualised. And on the other side there is the chance that one’s mental development will end up being stunted through constantly having their attention diverted away from their mind. So sexualising things is a great way to distract people from what needs to be looked at in the world at large and one’s personal life. As well as giving children and people of all ages a dysfunctional way for them to define themselves and to feel valuable.
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When one first meets another person and starts to feel attracted to them, they will have started to form certain associations around what they are like and what they are not like. This whole process is likely to take place out of one’s awareness and happen fairly rapidly. Once these are formed, they are going to define, in most cases, how one perceives the other person. And as the beginning of a relationship is often made up of illusions, it won’t matter if they are accurate or not. Associations These associations can easily go on to become what the other person is like. And if they do match up with the other person and are not a complete fabrication, then the contrast that does appear later on won’t be too extreme. However, if the ideas that one has formed, in relation to the other, do not match up and are actually way off, then one is going to be in for a shock. This could be fairly mild or it could be so far removed from how they have seen the other, that it’s not possible for them to realise it. Conflict And this is not because one is incapable of seeing reality for what it is; it is due to how powerful the mind is. The mind can be programmed to see anything and it won’t matter if it relates to how something really is or not. So through having met someone who is one way and having created ideas of what they are like on the other side, it could lead to challenges. It could be said that it is human nature to want another person to match up with ones ideals and if they don’t, one will try to mould them into them. Normal This is to be expected and through one seeing another in certain way, they might even step up to this outlook and gradually change. But these are likely to be subtle changes and not relate to anything to significant. This would be too extreme and would not respect another person’s boundaries. The more the other person differs from how one sees them, the greater the need is going to be to change them into someone else or one will have to face reality. Projections So if one constantly finds themselves in a position where the person they are attracted to, doesn’t turn out to be who they thought they were, then they are engaging in a lot of projection. And this doesn’t mean that there is something inherently wrong with them, it just means that they need to look within themselves. To look at what they need to realise and what they need to let go off in order for them to see others more for who they are, as opposed to who they want them to be. Examples As this whole process can go on out of ones awareness, it can mean that one is not completely sure as to how they continually see in others what they haven’t got. And in some cases, these will reflect things that another person cannot give them, no matter who they are. So another person can come across as strong, extroverted and having it all together. One then comes to associate this person as secure, grounded and being someone who is supportive and reliable. And while this could be true, it could also just be an act and while the front is there, the substance is nowhere to be found. One could meet someone who shows certain signs of being loving and caring. Perhaps they are attentive, interested or quiet simply just show them attention. But, as time passes, it becomes clear that this doesn’t reflect their true character and they only show this side when they want something. Expectations Now, if this has happened on a regular basis, one might feel like giving up altogether and have come to the conclusion that everyone is the same. They could even have become angry at the opposite sex for how they have been treated. And although this will give one a release and allow them to vent, it won’t necessarily lead to progress. This is something that can be made through one facing their projections directly; becoming aware of what they continually project onto others. A Deeper Look So there will be two sides to this: on one side will be why one continually attracts a certain type of person and on the other, will be if another can give them what they have been expecting from them. One Side This will involve one looking into why they attract the people they do. Now, the people we attract into our life typically appear because they are familiar and what is familiar is what is classed as safe to the ego mind. At a conscious level these people might not be healthy or a match and yet unconsciously, they are who one feels comfortable with. And this could go back to ones childhood years and as a result of trapped feeling and beliefs, one continues to attract people who are not right for them. The Other Here, one could be looking for others to fulfil needs that can’t be met and that need to be grieved and released or that relate to needs that one needs to take care of themselves. This can happen through one not getting certain needs met as a child and although they have physically grown up, their emotional self has stayed the same. So this part of them could be looking for another to always be there for them and to always love them for instance. And while a child has needs that need to be met unconditionally, as an adult, other people are going to be more conditional. This means that certain needs that one has can relate to childhood needs and may need to be faced and healed. Awareness Each of one of us is different and so one will need to look into what needs to change for them. Once someone knows what needs to change, then something can be done. The assistance of a therapist or a healer may be required or some kind of coach.
When one was a child, they had certain needs and wants. And for some people, these would have been met in the majority of cases. This doesn’t mean that one would have needed to have had a caregiver that was always available. As it is unlikely that this would have been possible and not only that, it wouldn’t have been necessary for this to be the case. Caregivers are only human and therefore they are not perfect; they make mistakes and do things wrong. So what does matter is that they were there enough and met ones needs and wants in most cases; that would be a more realistic expectation when it comes to these early years. Realistic However, even though it would be realistic to have expected that while growing up, it doesn’t always take place. One would have been completely dependent at this age and therefore needed to have experienced consistent care. And to not receive this from ones caregiver’/s is going to have resulted in different levels of pain during these years. It is unlikely to just end there though; with there being the potential for one to still be in pain many years later. What can create the illusion that it’s all over, is that people can still develop physically, even if their emotional development has being inhibited in some way. Different levels There will be some people who didn’t get their needs and wants met on the odd occasion. And on the other side of the spectrum, will be people who had to pretty much go without getting their needs met altogether. But as human beings, we all interpret experiences differently and this is the same when one is growing up. So just because one persons experience of growing up could be labelled as less severe than other for instance, it doesn’t mean that this has made any difference. As how one interprets what happens plays an important role in the whole process. Time Passes Physically then, one will grow and take on the appearance of an adult and they could even act like one. They could be someone who is incredibly successful in certain areas of their life, just as they could be the opposite and anything but successful. The pain one of not getting their early needs met is going to have remained in one’s body, and while it might not be consciously felt, it will still greatly influence what one does or doesn’t do. One might be someone who is completely in touch with their feelings of the past or they could be someone who has become cut off from them. And these could cause one to feel depressed, lethargic, and empty and that something is missing in their life, amongst others things. Conflict As so much time has passed, one might not connect their present day challenges to what they didn’t get as a child. And as one’s mind has been educated and conditioned since those years, it can make it difficult to get in touch with what happened. Plus, the mind would have disconnected from what happened as a way to protect itself from pain. So a kind of amnesia could arise, as well as the usual defence’s mechanism, such as, denial, minimisation and projection. The Past When someone says that one needs to deal with their past, it is only natural that some people are going to think that it’s a waste of time and even a distraction. One outlook could be that: the past is in the past, so why bother with it. What this doesn’t take into account is the fact the while the past is in the past, the consequences of the past can still be in one’s body and mind. And like the reamins of a house that has fallen down, these things need to be dealt with. If they are not, they will get in the way of what one is creating in the present. Relationships One primary area where one is going to try to get their unmet childhood needs fulfilled and this will often take place unconsciously, is in their intimate relationships. Other people will be looked upon to fulfil these needs and as most of them are unfulfillable and insatiable, there is a strong chance that it will result in yet further pain and a sense of betrayal. Another person might meet them for a short time and then before long, leave the relationships or just stop being there in the same way. Or one could have turned their backs on intimate relationships altogether; because, to relive their early pain could be far too overwhelming. If ones caregiver/s were not there, then one might have come to believe that everyone else will be the same. This could have created a kind of learned hopelessness for example. But while it was only learnt and doesn’t represent the truth, it has left a deep wound. Grieving So, as these needs relate to a child and not an adult, it means that it won’t be possible in most cases for another person to meet them. If one is in a conscious relationship with another adult, they could help them to process these needs. These needs can relate to the following feelings that will have been trapped in one’s body since they were a child: powerless, hopeless, abandoned, rejected, grief, burdened and death, amongst others. Awareness But whether one works with their partner or through a therapist or a healer, these feelings that have stayed trapped in their body will need to be faced and released. The reasons professional support is often so vital here is because one could have a lot of feelings in their body. And when these are brought to the surface, it could be overwhelming and too much for one to handle by themselves. This is also not going to be something that will happen over night and could take quite some time.
While we would like to see ourselves as human beings who have control over how we behave, this doesn’t always reflect reality. Because although one has the ability to think before they act, they can also act without thinking. And this is not ‘bad’ per se; it can enable one to save a lot of time and energy. To always have to think about such things as how to open a door or what do when red lights appear when one is driving, would add so much more confusion and effort into ones daily life. So in these cases, the benefits of conditioning come to the fore and there are obviously many other examples that could be used. When one has been conditioned to behave in ways that don’t enhance their life, it is inevitably going to create problems. Control For one thing, one is going to feel as though they have no control or influence over how they behave. They could feel like a robot and that something or someone else has taken the rains of their life. They might observe themselves doings things or look back on what they did, and wonder why they did it. Their free will was nowhere to be found and like a dog that has been trained to perform on command, one loses the ability to act consciously and in their best of interests. A Matter Of Degree Now, if this is something that impacts one’s life every now and then or only in a few areas, it might not be a cause for concern. One might be able to ignore it, even though it causes them to feel frustrated, amongst other things. But if this one area greatly impacts one’s life, then it won’t matter if they have a reasonable amount of self control in other areas of their life. To have a whole life that is full of conditioned behaviour that doesn’t enhance one’s life and to have very little, if any, control, is going to create pain. It won’t just be frustration that one feels; it could also go on to include feelings of being powerless and hopeless. With one believing that their life will never change and that there is nothing they can do. Conflict What this would point out is the fact that one has been conditioned either by others or through themselves or both, to behave in ways that go against their best interests. Part of them wants to behave in one way and other part wants to behave in another way. So in the age old ‘mind against body’, one is experiencing an internal struggle. And when these are not working together, one can end up experiencing conflict in more ways than one. Survival However, even though ones conditioned responses are of no benefit now, they are likely to have been at some point in their history. This behaviour would have been what felt safe and just because something felt safe, it doesn’t mean it would enable one to thrive. Another way to describe it would be to say that it allowed one to avoid pain and to even experience pleasure. Some of ones conditioned responses could go back to their childhood and others will have been formed during their adult years. As a child, the need to survive can be stronger than when they are an adult; as one is more likely to be completely dependent on the people around them. But, one can be an adult and still feel as though they are a child, so physical age is not always relevant in how emotionally developed someone is or is not. Avoidance So by one behaving in certain ways, it allows them to avoid consequences that are either imagined or real. But as they have behaved in these ways for so long, one could be completely oblivious to what they are. And while this could relate to present day consequences, it could also relate to things that happened many, many years ago and that have very little relevance to one’s present life. But while times have changed, they are still having an impact on one’s life. The mind doesn’t know the different between what is real and what is imagine; it can project the past onto the present and cause one to feel exactly as they did when something originally took place. Emotions These experiences would have created associations and if one was to act in another way, pain would be felt. And this could be physical, mental or emotional pain, or all three. When something like this happens, and one is allowed to process what happened, they won’t have the need to let this pain define them. But if this pain is not looked at and the dysfunctional behaviour of another or others continues to occur on a regular basis, then one will have no other choice than to do whatever supports their own survival. Beliefs And as well as this emotional pain that was formed, one’s mind would also have formed beliefs. So if one was to act differently, all kinds of scenarios would arise. Even though these are just beliefs; to the mind, they can be seen as the truth. Awareness This means that in order to change how one behaves, it will be important for them to get past their mind by questioning what they believe. Through doing this, they can then deal with the emotional pain that has stayed trapped in their body. When ones beliefs are questioned and their trapped emotions have been released from their body, ones behaviour will no longer need to be defined by what happened in their past. The assistance of a therapist or a healer may be required or engaging in some kind of self study might be enough. We are all unique, so what works for one person might not work for another.
Even though two people are in a relationship together, it doesn’t mean that they are relating as adults. Physically they may look like adults, but that could be as far as it goes. And upon closer inspection, it could look as though it is between a parent and a child. This won’t be limited to intimate relationships of the opposite or the same gender; it will also include friendships and between family members for instance. It won’t matter how old someone is, as the parent and child dynamic will still be at work. Now, for some people, this will stand out and be as clear as anything, and then for others, it will be overlooked and will remain invisible. It can all depend on what one’s own relationships are like and as to whether they are aware of what is taking place. Normal And a big part of this is because if one has always experienced relationships where one person is above another, then it is not going to stand out. It will be seen as how relationships are meant to be. The modern day world helps to support this outlook, as control, manipulation, dominance and submission are often part of the interactions that people have on a local level and on a global level. But of course, this is nothing new, as this has been taking place for a long time. Functional However, just because something is normal, it doesn’t mean that it is functional and healthy. And while the media likes to focus on what is going on out there and on countries that are violent, the relationships that people have in the western world, are not always examples of love, respect and kindness. In fact, what they often reveal is how dysfunctional and abusive many of today’s relationships are. And this is in countries that are described as ‘civilized’ and ‘evolved’ for example. The kind of relationships that someone has reveals a great deal about them and what is going on for them at a deeper level. Education And one of the biggest reasons as to why today’s relationships are like they are is because of a lack of education. In order for anyone to know anything, they need to have been taught it in one way or another. Although people’s minds are generally educated, it is not as common for them to learn about how relationships work or how their emotions function. And these are two vital elements when it comes to connecting with others in a way that is healthy and functional. Modelling So what usually happens is one observes how other people treat each other and then mimics this behaviour. There is no thought required here; this can all take place unconsciously. Now, if the people around them have relationships that are healthy it won’t be problem. But if they are not healthy, it means that one could end up having relationships that are the same. And this process starts from when one is a child and then goes onto include relationships with friends, colleagues and the partners that one has. The biggest factor is often ones childhood and the kind of roles they had to play during these years in order to survive. Sabotage If one has a relationship with another adult and they end up acting like a child or the other person does, then it is going to be sabotaged. This could be something that happens every now and then or it could be how the relationship always is. It won’t be possible for each person to be on the same level; one person will end up in a position of superiority and another will be in a place of inferiority. But while they may appear to reflect each person’s true nature, they are nothing more than roles that they are playing. One person could always appear to be stronger than the other or this could be something that changes based on what the situation is and how one feels. Roles When one person tries to rescue, save, fix or change another person, it is not an adult to adult relationship. And the same applies to when one is trying to be rescued, saved, fixed or changed by another. To look at this one way, it seems as though one person has more power than the other, but these are often two sides of the same coin. And this is what happens when one person has denied and repressed certain parts of themselves and then ends up projecting them onto others. Emotional Development How emotionally developed one is will often define how functional their relationships are. On one side will be someone who feels powerless, hopeless and uncomfortable with having needs and this is likely to be the person who plays the role of needing to be rescued. And on the other side will be the person who has the same feelings and yet they have become disconnected from them. When they see other people behaving in these ways, it will either consciously or unconsciously remind them of how they feel. So to rescue another, allows them to indirectly rescue themselves. However, until they face their own feelings, they will continue to attract and be attracted to people who need to be saved and rescued; simply because they haven’t faced their emotions. Out Of Balance These dynamics stop each person form taking responsibility for their own lives and instead of them consciously asking the other person to meet their needs, it can cause one person to go without getting their needs met. This could lead to resentment and one person being exhausted and without enough energy to survive, let alone thrive. And while one person has been falsely empowered, the other person will end up feeling falsely disempowered. So it won’t be possible for each person to embrace a balanced sense of empowerment. Awareness In order for one to have relationships that are more functional and fulfilling, it will be important for them to do two things. Firstly, leaning about relationships and secondly, to deal with their emotions. If one feels powerless, hopeless, abandoned or has trouble feeling supported, then it is likely that they have trapped emotions in their body. And these could stem from their time as a baby and when they were children. The assistance of a therapist or a healer will enable one to release their trapped emotions. And there are many books out there that will give one a new outlook on how relationships can be.
Although change is part of life and is something that can’t be stopped, our minds don’t always embrace change. At times it is going to be necessary for one to hold onto what they believe and know and at others, it will be important for them to change what they believe and to learn something else. Just because something was true at one point in time, it doesn’t mean it will always be true; beliefs are just that, beliefs, they are not the absolute truth. And the same applies to knowledge; what was relevant at one point, might not be the case at another. Logical This outlook could be classed as logical and even obvious. And yet even though this is the case, it doesn’t mean that is what always happens. The trouble with the mind is that it holds onto things. It is then not always as simple as one realising that something is not longer accurate; as the mind can be so attached to it, that it won’t let go. And anything that goes against what the mind has identified with will be filtered out in some way. Consciousness So with this in mind, it illustrates the importance of being the observer of the mind and not the mind itself. To be completely identified with the mind is going to mean that one is a prisoner of it. Unless one has this ability or is naturally curious for example, they are going to go along with the minds tendency to hold on. And then it won’t matter if what they believe is wrong or if the information they have is of no use. Resistance So without this, the mind will remain fixed and resist anything that goes against what it believes or is different to what it knows. Having an open mind and therefore being receptive to new ways of looking at life and taking in new information is not going to occur. But to due to how the mind is, one might have no idea that there are other ways of seeing life or that the information they have is outdated. The mind can be so sure of itself and all self doubt can disappear. Beliefs These beliefs can end up defining ones whole life and while they are just beliefs, they will shape ones experience of life. This will include what one can or can’t achieve and what other people are or are not like. Ones reality will reflect these beliefs and even is something happens that goes against what one believes, the mind can still block it out. It could be dismissed or minimized in some way. Knowledge There was a time when people thought the world was flat and now this is no longer the case. And there are numerous others examples like this and this is something that is always likely to take place. To not question what one knows and to stand by it when it has been proven to be wrong is not only going to affect one’s life, it is also going to impact other people’s lives. And at times, this might create consequences that are easily overlooked, but at others, this might not be the case. Identification It could be said that it is normal for one to think they are their mind and that what their mind comes up with is the truth and that’s the end of it. But even though this is what is generally accepted in today’s world, it is far from the truth. Ultimately one is the observer of their minds and this means they are part of the flow of life; whereas the mind is fixed and resists the flow of life when it is not being monitored. When one is completely identified with their mind, it wouldn’t be a surprise if they acted as if they were the centre of the universe and are always right. Always Right If one is in this position, it is going to be a challenge to see that there are other ways of looking at things or that what they know might not be correct. Being right is incredibly important and that is because it is connected to ones survival or so the mind thinks. To the mind, being wrong is interpreted as death. And so the more invested one is in something, the harder it is going to be to let go and to embrace something else. It won’t matter if this is not assisting one’s life, the mind doesn’t work that way. Death It could be limiting one’s life and causing one to suffer, and yet the mind will hold on regardless of this. So even though change might allow one to avoid death, it would rather hold on and experience death; even though this is what it is actually trying to avoid. Detachment If one has been identified with their mind for as long as they can remember, it might take a while to detach from it. And this process will involve letting go of certain ideas and this could be painful. However, all one is doing is getting back in touch with their true nature and part of this involves realising they are not their mind. One might need the assistance of a therapist, healer or a coach to develop this ability. Awareness Beliefs can always be changed and if they are not assisting one’s life, then it will be the empowering thing to do. The mind will always find evidence to support any belief that one has, so with this in mind, one may as well have beliefs that enhance their life. As today is the information age, it is only natural that ideas and outlooks will change and at a faster rate than they have before. However, it doesn’t mean that what’s new or different is always accurate. This is why critical thinking is a vital skill to have.
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Oliver JR CooperAuthor of 26 books, Transformational Writer, Teacher & Consultant. Introductory Consultation
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Disclaimer
That which is contained within these articles is based on my own empirical understanding and is true for me at the time they were written. However, as I continue to grow, what I perceive as the truth will inevitably change and as a result of this - parts of these articles may not reflect my current outlook.
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