When someone is addicted to something, they can feel the need to go the other extreme and to cut it out all together. And while this can seem like the right idea, it might not have the desired effect. Another approach would be to cut down on the amount that one has of something; this will allow one to enjoy what they were doing before, but in moderation. However, this can all depend on what one was addicted to in the first place; as it may be something that they need to cut out altogether. Moderation When one is able to cut down, they won’t need to go from one extreme to the other and this will allow them to accept both sides. There will be moments when they can have what they want and moments when they can’t. For example: one might find that they have gained too much weight and end up doing everything they can to remove all fat from their diet. Yet, while this might seem to be the right thing to do, it is likely to cause problems down the line. A Common Occurrence There are many other examples of how one can go from one side to the other, and while this is not always the best approach to take, it is a common occurrence. If one’s behaviour is not leading to their desired outcome, they can end up doing the complete opposite. This could be because this is what someone else has suggested or one might believe that this is the best option available. And if one is in a position where they need to lose weight or want to change how they behave, they might not want to take their time. A Quick Fix Their focus will then be on getting what they want as soon as possible and not on whether this is the best approach to take in the long run. There is the chance that one will get what they want without too much time passing, but this quick fix might soon wear of and it could have a negative effect on their life. However, during times of need and desperation, one’s mind is often taken over by their emotions. This is similar to how when one is hungry or thirsty, they can eat or drink anything. It might not matter how good it is; their body is calling out and that’s all that matters. Approval If one is consumed by what other people think of them it is going to stop them from being able to live their life. It won’t be possible for them to follow their own truth and this is because they will be focused on others. One could put up with this or they could look for ways to experience life differently. Before long, they might soon come across the outlook that they shouldn’t care what other people think. They could come to the conclusion that this is exactly what they have been looking for and this is because it will allow them to lead the life they want. The Answer If one hasn’t been able to be themselves, it is only natural that this will be seen as the answer. This will allow one to live in their own world and to no longer be affected by others. When it comes to living this way or living a life where one is constantly trying to please others, it is easy to see which one is the best option. In order to achieve this, one might be advised to think differently and to change their behaviour. Change So as time passes, one might start to change their behaviour and to work towards things that they had put off for so long, among other things. Their level of happiness and success could start to rise as a result. However, while caring about what other people think is often seen as a bad thing, this is not always the case. Having the ability to care about what others think is part of having empathy. This doesn’t mean that one has to constantly walks on eggshells; what it means is that one is able to put themselves in other person’s shoes. Empathy There will be times when it will be important for one to not care about what others think and there will be times when it will be. But to go from one extreme to the other is going to cause one to come across as cold and as though they have no empathy. If one is unable to behave as they want to behave, it is clear sign that they are too caught up in what other people think. But this doesn’t mean that they have to stop themselves from having empathy. If one wanted to enter a career that their friends or family are against, this may be a sign that one needs to put other people’s views to one side. Anti-Social Yet, if one lived next door to others and started bagging in the middle of the night or if they were to drive around a neighbourhood around the same time with their music blaring, it would be a good idea for them to care about what other people think. This shows that it is not black white and how one needs to have the ability to care what other people think; it will all depend on what it relates to. Caring about what others think is therefore not just about approval; it is also about having empathy. Developmental Needs One approach would be for one to disconnect from their emotions and to no longer care about other people think. Another approach would be for one to look at why they have a high need for approval. This may mean that their developmental needs were not met whilst they were growing up. On one side, this would have stopped them from being able to develop a strong sense of self and on the other; it would have prevented them from being able to emotionally separate from their caregivers. Awareness When this separation takes place, one will be strong enough to live their own truth without needing to completely cut themselves of from what other people think. In order to do this, one will need to be affirmed for who they are and they will need to grieve their unmet childhood needs. This can take place with the assistance of a therapist, healer and/or a support group. If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article, as many others have. Oliver J R Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk/
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Human beings have an inherent need to share who they are with others; they need to be seen and heard. When this happens, one will share what is really taking place for them and not what they think someone wants to hear or what will make them 'look right’.
However, in order for someone to open up, they will need to feel safe in the other person’s presence. If one doesn’t feel safe, it might not matter how comfortable they are in their own skin. Vulnerable So in order for intimacy to take place, each person will need to feel at ease. This is not to say that one can’t open up if they don’t feel safe; as it could be what leads to intimacy. In this example, it could be said that one is showing a greater level of vulnerability than usual. Whenever one opens up and shares who they are, they are being vulnerable; there is no other way to experience intimacy. Discernment There will be times when has the need to open up even though they don’t feel safe and there will be times when they will need to maintain their boundaries. Overtime, one will gain a better understanding of when it is a good idea for them to open up and when it isn’t. If one knew that it wasn’t right for them to open up and they went along with it anyway, they might end up harming themselves. This is why it will be important for them to listen to their own guidance. True-self When one is in touch with their true self, it will be easier for them to experience intimacy. This will mean that one is in touch with their body as opposed to be being stuck in their head. One’s true needs and feelings will be found in their body and not their head; so unless one has this connection, they won’t know who they really are. And if one doesn’t know who they are, they won’t be able to share who they are. False-Self They won’t be able to share how they really feel and this is because they won’t know how they feel. One is likely to be living on the surface of themselves, and this is going to mean that it is not possible for true intimacy to arise. Instead, one might be focused on doing what they can to protect themselves and this is going to mean that it won’t be possible for them to be vulnerable. Their intention won’t be to open up; it will be to do what they can to say the right thing and to come across in the right way. Image over Substance Yet, just because someone operates from their false-self, it doesn’t necessarily mean that they won’t be in relationship. To the outside observer, they could come across as though they are in an intimate relationship with someone. If one was to go by appearances alone, everything would look fine, but if they were to dig a little deeper, they would see that there is more than meets the eye. It won’t matter how each person feels, what will matter is how each person looks. Disconnected This doesn’t mean that other person has the same level of disconnection, as they might be in touch with this need. However, until they are both willing to embrace how they feel, it won’t be possible for intimacy to take place. It is then similar to how one can be in a room full of people and still feel as though they are alone. One’s need to connect to another person has been replaced by their need to look good in the eyes of others. Control And when one is generally disconnected from their need to experience intimacy, it will give them a sense of control. This is because they are likely to attract people who are in touch with this need. The other person’s vulnerability is likely to trigger one’s issues around being vulnerable and this could cause them to put the other person down. One person is then willing to open up and the other person is focused on doing everything they can to maintain their image of being invulnerable. Opening Up The need to control can not only take place between lovers, it can also take place between friends and family. If intimacy was purely about having sex or one person sharing their body with another, then this wouldn’t be the case. So while one might not be in a relationship with a member of the opposite sex, the need to keep people at a distance can still take place. The people they associate with may only get to know about what they won’t them to know. On one hand, this will stop them from forming deeper connections, but on the other, it will allow them to protect themselves and to maintain a certain image. Protection Having the need to protect oneself is normal, but when this stops one from experiencing intimacy, it shows that something is not right. Yet, although keeping others at a distance will create pain, it is a way for them to keep their own pain at bay. One may be aware of this pain or they may have disconnected from it, however, all the time it remains within them, it is going to stop them from being able to experience intimacy. The need to feel safe is stronger than the need to experience intimacy; so unless one feels safe, it won’t be possible for them to fulfil their higher needs. Pain This could relate to something that has happened in their adulthood and/or it could go back to their childhood. One may have experienced some kind of loss and as they haven’t been able to grieve this loss, they have closed their heart. During one’s childhood, they would have been dependent on their caregiver/s and this would have meant they were extremely vulnerable. So if their caregivers lacked empathy and the ability were unable to respect their boundaries, they may have been violated. As a result of this, one would have learnt from an early age that people can’t be trusted and that one has to protect themselves at all times. Awareness These are just a few reasons why someone can stop themselves form opening up to another. Unless one’s body feels safe, it won’t be possible for them to open up. In order for one to embrace this pain and to open up, they may need the assistance of a therapist, healer and/or a support group.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk/ As a human being, one has the ability to lift others up and make their life easier, or they can pull others down and make their life harder. There are going to be some people who generally fit into the first category and then there will be others who generally fit into to the second category. However, to say it is something that is completely black and white wouldn’t necessarily be accurate. This is because there will be some people who will have a positive influence on other people’s lives at certain times and then there will be moments when they don’t. There is then a difference between someone who is generally a certain way and someone who alternates between the two options. When one has a positive influence on others, there may be moments when they act in another way and the same goes for someone who usually has a negative influence on others. Mood It could all come down to their mood and how this affects their behaviour. If one usually has a positive influence on others and they end up feeling down for instance, they might do something they wouldn’t usually go. Yet, it will also depend on if one is able to contain their emotional experience as opposed to projecting it onto others. When it comes to someone who usually has a negative effect on others, this could all change if they were to feel different A New Experience As a result of something that has taken place in their life, they have experienced an inner shift. During this time, the need to pull another person down has disappeared and they are able to give them something to smile about. And as to how long this change lasts can all depend on what kind of change has occurred. It may mean that one soon returns to how they were before, or it might have a lasting impression on them. Two Sides It is often said that human beings are unpredictable and that they can’t be put into a box. And at the same time, it is often said that they are creatures of habit. So while there is always the chance that someone will change their behaviour, there is always the chance that they won’t. While it would be easy to say that it comes down to a certain factor, there could be many factors involved. Constructive When one does have a positive influence on the people they come into contact with, they will also be having a positive effect on the people they don’t come into contact with. The reason for this is that when one treats another person well, that person is likely to treat other people in the same way. One good act goes onto create more good acts and this means shows how much of influence someone has. The effects of their behaviour won’t just end with the people they spend time with; they will go onto the influence the people who they might not even meet. Empathy When one thinks about how their behaviour is affecting others, it will show that they have empathy. Through being able to imagine what it would be like to be in another person shoes, they will be less likely to cause harm. But if they didn’t have this ability (for whatever reason), it would be normal for them to act in ways that are destructive. Their behaviour towards others is therefore normal personal, it is just how they are. Destructive They might not even be aware of how their behaviour affects others and if they are, it might not have an effect on them. Their point of focus will be on making themselves feel better and not on how they are harming others. There are many ways in which one can have a negative affect on others and one of those ways is to put them down. One is then is then not using their words to uplift others, they are using their words to abuse others. Put-Downs This doesn’t mean that someone will always know when they are being put-down; as it could be very subtle. However, if one knows what the other person is like, it might be easier for them to know what is taking place. These put-downs could relate to what one looks like, how competent they are, how they feel, where they live and to how successful they are, among other things. And like a piece of metal that has been placed in acid; these put-downs will gradually wear someone down. Regulation The person who is being put-down starts to feel worse as time goes by, and the person who is using the put-downs will start to feel better about themselves. They might believe that they are not putting them down and that they are just pointing out the obvious. This allows them to believe that they are not doing anything wrong and it stops them from taking responsibility for how they feel. But at a deeper level, there is the chance that they are carrying toxic shame. Self-Loathing As it is too much for them to face their own self-hate, they end projecting their own issues onto others. It is not that their put-downs always reflect what they don’t like about themselves; it is that their put-downs allow them to keep their own toxic shame at bay. Yet, no matter how many people they put-down, it won’t change how they feel on the inside. If they want to change their behaviour, they will need to face what they have been avoiding. Awareness One might be aware of how they feel, or they might have disconnected from their feelings. These feelings might relate to what has happened during their adulthood or they could go back to their childhood. This could mean that one experienced some kind of abuse when they were growing up. One then started off as a victim and as way to feel a sense of control, has ended up as a perpetrator. The assistance of a therapist, healer and/or a support group might be needed. If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article, as many others have. Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk/ Entitlement Mentality: Is The Law Of Reciprocity Being Phased Out By The Entitlement Mentality?20/2/2015 When someone is given something, they can feel the need to give something back. This doesn’t mean that they will give something back straight away though; as they could return the favour at a later date. So as time passes, one may give something to the person or the company who gave them something. Yet, there is also the chance that this won’t take place, and one will end up giving something to someone else or to another company. Balance However, the most important thing is that one is able to give something back. And while there will be moments when they are out of balance, this won’t be because they are not willing to give; it will be due to the fact that it is not the right time for them to give. If one was to only receive and didn’t take the time to give something back, they would be out of balance. This would mean that one is not playing their part on this earth and it is also going to have a negative effect on their relationships. Free Things There are many ways that one can receive something without having to give anything, and this can take place without one even having to go anywhere. All they have to do is to pick up their phone and to go to website that has something to offer. One could come to the conclusion that they are just being given something for no apparent reason. However, while it may seem this way, this is not actually the case. The reason they are being given something is so that they feel the need to buy something in return. It Feels Right There are going to be people who feel the need to give something back once they have been given something. And this won’t be something that one has to think about; as it will be something that just feels right. If they were to just receive something without giving anything back, it would have a negative effect on them. One would start to feel guilty and ashamed, and as though they have done something wrong. Similar to how they might feel if they were to go into a shop and take something that didn’t belong to them. Unease Once they buy something, their sense of unease will soon disappear and one will then be able to return to how they felt before. Yet, if this inner unease didn’t exist, one wouldn’t feel the need to return the favour. Instead of feeling as though one needs to give something back, they could feel as they are getting what they are entitled to. And as one is getting what they deserve, it is going to mean that they don’t need to give anything back. Lost And Found If one lost something in their house and then found it, it would mean that they haven’t been given anything. One has simply found what belongs to them and as a result of this; they won’t need to give anything to anyone. When one believes they are being given something that belongs to them, they can have the same outlook. The law of reciprocity is not operating within them and this is because they have an entitlement mentality. Exempt There is then no need for them to give anything in return as their mere existence is enough for them to feel entitled to whatever they get. This is likely to take place without one feeling guilty and ashamed, or as though they are doing anything wrong. It could be hard for the people who do give something back to understand how someone could be like this. But for the person who is like this, it might be hard for them to understand what it is that they are doing wrong. Lack of Development One way of looking at this would be to say the reason someone feels entitled to free things is because of their level of development. Their physical development could then be way ahead of their mental and emotional development. During the beginning of someone’s life, they will have had a sense of entitlement. This is normal, because on one side, they had developmental needs and on the other, they couldn’t fulfil them by themselves. However, as long as one receives the right care and guidance, they will grow out of this state. Stuck Without the right care and guidance, there is a strong chance that one will end up stuck in this developmental stage. The two biggest factors will be what happened during their childhood and what is taking place in the society they live in. If one receives the right care and is brought up in the right way, it might not matter if the society they live in encourages people to have an entitlement mentality. Yet, if the right care and guidance is not provided, there is a greater chance that one will be influenced by the society they live in. Early Messages An important influence will be the kind of messages they received from their caregiver/s. if they were told that they deserve to have what they want, it can cause them to believe that they don’t have to give anything back or to work for anything in life. This could mean that their caregiver had their own narcissistic wounds and this caused one to be falsely empowered. And because today’s society conditions people to believe that they are entitled to things, it makes it harder for someone to realise that they are out of balance. Conclusion When people feel that they are entitled to have whatever they want, it is going to stop them form playing their part. And as they will depend on others, it will be easier for them to be controlled. Perhaps this is why today’s society conditions people to have an entitlement mentality. All the time people are kept in this undeveloped state, their power is given to the people in power. In order for someone to let go of their entitlement mentality, it will be important for them to look at why they feel as they do. This could mean that they have emotional work to do and that they need to grieve their unmet childhood needs. The assistance of a therapist, healer and/or a support group may be needed. If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article, as many others have. Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk/ If one has the need to change their self-image, they might end up using affirmations. This could be because someone else has recommended this approach, or it could be something they have decided upon. However, although one may have decided to use them, it doesn’t mean that they will have looked into the other options that are available. This is not to say that one is easily led or that they don’t think for themselves; what it comes down to is how pervasive affirmations have become. The Answer It then won’t matter what one needs to work on or how much of an effect it is having on their life; as they can end up believing that they only need to use affirmations. So if one has low self-esteem or if their relationships are not going to plan, all one needs to do is to repeat a few phrases every now and then. As there are so many people who stand by this approach, it can stop someone from questioning whether they work or not. Through books, CDs and videos, one can gradually come to believe in affirmations. Evidence When a lot of people stand by a certain outlook or ideology, it doesn’t always matter if what they stand for reflects reality or if it is something that one should aspire to. How they feel can define whether they are sucked in or not, and not if it is the right thing for them to do. The belief that others have in affirmations can be enough for one to use them regardless of whether they work or not. What matters is that other people believe in them and that when one uses them, they will ‘feel better’. Two Sides However, to say that affirmations don’t work, would be the same as saying they always work. One wouldn’t use a screwdriver to cut a piece of wood and neither would they use a saw to put a screw in. It all comes down to using the right tools for the right job; as to use the wrong tool is only going to cause problems. There will be times when one is able to improve their life through using affirmations. The Purpose What it can come down to is what one is using them for. If one has the need to focus their mind and to bring to their attention to what is good about their life for instance, they could soon experience positive results Yet, it is not just about the words that one says; it is also about how they feel on the inside and what is currently taking place in their life. One person could say something to themselves and it would go in fine, but if another said the same thing, it might not have an effect on them. Planting Seeds If one was to plant seeds, they would prepare the ground before they put the seeds in. One could just drop them anywhere and see what happens, but they won’t have as much success as they would if they prepared the ground first. What can stop affirmations from working is when one is unable to internalise what they are saying to themselves. Just like one would prepare the ground before they plant a seed; they need to prepare their being before they use affirmations. It’s all about the Mind However, if one believes that the only thing that is holding them back is what is taking place in their mind, it might be hard for them to understand why they need to get themselves ready first. One could believe that it is all about conditioning and through using affirmations, one is replacing one form of conditioning with another. When it comes to the mind, it is all about conditioning, but the same can’t be said about the body. The Body What is going on in one’s body can influence what takes place in their mind; with their being more information sent from the body than there is from the mind to the body. So if one can’t accept something at an intellectual level, it could be a sign that they need to look at what is taking place in their body. When one is carrying emotional pan within them, it is going to have an effect on what is taking place in their mind. Yet, if one believes that their mind is in control of how they feel, they could use affirmations in order to change how they feel. Guidance It then won’t matter that one’s emotions are there to offer them guidance, as they can end up being pushed out of one’s awareness. But if one believes that their thoughts define how they feel, then they might not realise what is happening. As time passes, one can end up being disconnected from how they feel. This will mean that although their mind has changed, their body hasn’t. Over time, what has built up within them will end up affecting other areas of their life. Another Approach If, on the other hand, one tuned into their emotions and allowed them to appear, they might soon find out why an affirmation isn’t working. Once the pain in their body has been faced and released, they might find that it is easier for them to accept affirmations. It could also mean that one no longer needs to use the affirmations that they were using before. Through letting go, one will be able to embrace their true self as opposed to trying to decorate their false self. The assistance of a therapist, healer and/or a support group might be needed here. If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article, as many others have. Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk/ There will be times when one is unable to see what is taking place around them and during these moments, it will be important for them to reach out to others. This is not necessarily because the people on the outside have something they don’t; it is because they are not emotionally involved. When one is on the inside, what they see will be influenced by how they feel and if they were to change positions with the person on the outside, they would soon start to see something else. Just as if the person on the outside was on the inside, they would also see something else. External Advice This is why people often ask their friends for advice when it comes to making a big decision in their life. It is not that they want their friend to tell them what they should do; it is that their friend may be able to see things that they don’t. Perhaps they will be able to see things that they are unable to see at this point in their life. Yet, if they feel the need to please them, they might not share what they see. A Balanced Perspective However, when one shares what is taking place with a friend, they will be looking for a balanced perspective. One can then take some time to reflect on what they hear and to decide what they will do. There is always the chance that one will simply dimness what they hear and end up carrying on with their life. This might end up being the right decision or it could end up having a negative effect on their life. One Reason One could be in a position where they think that their partner is having an affair and this could cause them to reach out to someone they trust. In this case, one is looking for someone else to give their feedback on what has been taking place. It could be that one knows that their partner is having an affair and just wants their friend to validate their experiences. If one doesn’t want their friend to do this, they might want them to tell them that it’s all in their mind and that everything is fine. The Truth What this shows is that just because something is happening, it doesn’t mean that one is willing to accept it. One person might be willing to face the truth no matter how painful it is or what it might happen as a result. But when it comes to another, they might not be willing to face the truth and end up doing everything they can to avoid reality. So even if this person asks a friend for advice, it might end up being dismissed. Two Sides This shows that while there is the chance that one doesn’t know that their partner is having an affair, it could also be because they don’t want to know. And while someone might find it hard to believe how another person wouldn’t know if their partner is having an affair, there could be a good reason why they don’t want to now. It might not be as simple as one facing reality and then taking action; as they may believe that staying in the relationship is less painful than it would be for them to speak up or to leave. One is then going to be compromising themselves, but they might believe that this is something they can handle. Loss If one doesn’t say anything and just goes along with the relationship, they might lose their dignity, but their life could stay the same. Yet, if they were to speak up, the relationship could come to an end. This would mean that one wouldn’t lose their dignity or allow their self-esteem to erode, but it will cause them to lose other things. Perhaps one has been with the other person for a while and doesn’t want to lose everything they have built up or they might feel as though they wouldn’t be able to handle a breakup. Denial It is then going to be important for them to disconnect from reality and from their real feelings, and to maintain the illusion that they have created in their mind. There is then what is taking place in their body and what is taking place in their mind. One is then no longer facing reality for what it is; they are living in a fantasy world. But while the relationship may have been real at one point in time, there is also the chance that it wasn’t. Just an Image This means that it wasn’t a relationship based on real intimacy; it was simply based on two people who wanted to look right in the eyes of others. Perhaps they look good together and this enables one to get the responses they want from friends, family, colleagues and ‘strangers’. What this could mean is that each person has a fear of intimacy and that they are carrying toxic shame. Or it might be that it isn’t an adult to adult relationship; with one person seeing the other as a parental figure who is going to look after them. Their body is then involved, but their heart and mind has remained detached. It is not that they ‘love’ the other person; it is that they believe they need them in order to survive. Awareness What this shows is that if one was to face reality, it could cause them to experience a lot of pain. And in order for one to face this pain, they might need to seek the assistance of a therapist, healer and/or a close friend. It can all depend on if one believes that they can handle life without the other person and if their life can get better. There will be loss no matter what one does, but the sooner one speaks up, the sooner they will be able to move forward. If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article, as many others have. Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk/ If someone is into self-development, they are likely to be familiar with ‘positive thinking’. This is something that is generally encouraged when it comes to living a better life. Here, one will need to create thoughts that are ‘positive’ and do to everything they can to stop themselves from having thoughts that are ‘negative’. Through this, one will have the chance to feel better and to behave in ways that are more fulfilling. Two Options One can come to believe that they either allow their mind to be consumed by negative thoughts, or they take control and make sure their mind is full of positive thoughts. There is then no middle ground; it is either one or the other. This can mean that negative thoughts are seen as harmful and not as something that could assist them. It is then not possible for one to be guided by them and this is why they have to be removed. Law of Attraction If one has this outlook, they are likely to be validation when it comes to the Law of Attraction. Based on this law, people are often told that they attract what they think about. It then makes perfect sense for one to only have thoughts that are positive. If one was to have negative thoughts (even for a short period of time), it would cause them to attract things they don’t want. Obsession What this will mean is that thinking positive is not something that one can do here and there, is it something they have to do all the time. At the back of their mind will be the fear of what they might attract if they allow their mind to wonder. Guilt may also arise during those moments when they allow themselves to have negative thoughts. One is then unable to let go and to just be with their mind, they need to monitor it at all times. Out of Balance There is no doubt that one’s thoughts are having an effect on their life, but to say that one’s whole life is defined by their thoughts might be going a bit far. This doesn’t mean that one should completely ignore their mind and let it do whatever it wants to do, or that they are a victim. But when one believes that their thoughts are in control of their life, they are creating an outlook that doesn’t reflect reality. It is also another way for someone to harm themselves. The Come Down In the beginning, one could be inspired by positive thinking and/or the law of attraction and believe it is the answer to all their problems. Yet, as time passes, they could find that while some things have changed, a lot hasn’t. However, instead of one realising that they have been sent down the wrong path, they could come to the conclusion that they are doing something wrong. One can then end up believing that they are the problem. Denial When it comes to positive thinking and the law of attraction, there is generally only one option. And because it is only the positive side of life that is embraced, it can cause one to end up living a life of denial. What is ‘negative’ within them needs to be ignored and what is ‘negative’ without will also need to be ignored. And while one might think that this is the only way for them to experience they life they want, it is only going to create more problems. The Dark Side If one wants to live a fulfilling life, it doesn’t mean that they have to remove all that is ‘negative’. Just because one embraces a negative thought or feeling, it doesn’t mean that something bad will happen. Instead of one denying certain thoughts and feelings, they can contain what is taking place within them. This means that one acknowledges what is taking place, without being consumed by it. And if they are consumed by it, they can reach out for support as opposed to trying to cover it up. Empathy When one is able to contain what is taking place within them and doesn’t feel the need to always be positive, it will allow them to experience empathy. If, on the other hand, one feels the need to always be positive, it is going to affect their ability to experience empathy. If one was to allow themselves to experience another person’s pain, it will be seen as something that will have a negative effect on their own life. One then has to block out how other people feel. Insensitive Through their own need to remain positive, it could cause them to invalidate how others feel. To empathise with what someone is going through could be seen as something that will stop them from attracting what they want. They could end up telling someone to ‘get over it’ or to just ‘let go’. One might not only fear what they will attract into their life if they empathise with others, they might also fear what could be triggered within them. Positive Thinking When one has the need to be positive all the time it is not only going to set them up to be in denial, it is also going to have a negative effect on their relationships. And if one has identified with the law of attraction, they might tell others that they created what happened to them. They could then tell the other person that they need to change what is taking place in their mind, and how this will enable them to attract what they want. Awareness While thinking positive is important, there will be times when one needs to embrace what is not positive. Through containing what is taking place within them as opposed to denying certain parts, it will allow them to be a whole human being. Their ability to experience empathy won’t be effected either and this will have a positive effect on their relationships. If one is trying to avoid the pain that is within them through thinking positive, they might need to seek the assistance of a therapist, healer and/or a support group. If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article, as many others have. Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk/ If one felt unhappy and they were to meet a friend who was happy, they could soon start to feel different. Their emotional state has then been transformed through being in the other person’s presence. This can happen without one having to really do anything, and their life doesn’t have to change either. During their time with the other, it has been possible for them to experience life differently. However, once this person goes away, it doesn’t mean that one will instantly return to how they felt before; as one could feel the same way afterwards. But as time passes, they are likely to return to how they felt. The Other Side Yet, just because one is around someone who is happy, it doesn’t mean they will also feel happy. It could end up having the opposite effect and make them to feel even worse than they did before. Seeing the other person has not given them a reason to be happy; what is has done, is made them think about how low they feel or how bad their life is. They now have another experience to compare their life with. Different Reactions What this show’s is that it is not as simple as one feeling good because others do; as they can end up feeling the complete opposite. It can all depend on what is going on internally and how they respond to what is happening around them. The same can be said when it relates to other emotions that can be expressed. If one was to be around someone who is angry, they might end up feeling angry or they could go the other way, and end up feeling uncomfortable. In The Middle Just like when it comes to being around someone who is happy, it can all depend on how they already feel. If one feels angry and they meet a friend who is angry, their anger could increase. Yet, if one doesn’t feel this way, they might end up losing their inner peace and start feel uncomfortable. What this comes down to is that human beings are not separate from their environment; they are constantly being affected by their surroundings. Another Factor If one ends up feeling uncomfortable when they are around someone who feels angry, it could be because the other person is out of control. The intensity of the other person’s emotional experience is then overwhelming. However, it could also be due to the fact that one doesn’t feel comfortable with their anger. There is then the chance that they are not being exposed to something that they are familiar with; they are being exposed to something they have disconnected from. Cut-off Yet, just because they have disconnected from their anger, it doesn’t mean that is has disappeared. Through denying this part of themselves, it will have built up within them. This could mean that one is out of touch with their body and their point of focus is primarily in their mind. The more their anger builds up within them, the more energy they will need to keep it at bay. Outlook When one is around someone who is angry, it could validate their reason for not being angry. The other person’s behaviour is then another example of why they don’t angry. In their mind, anger could be seen as bad and that’s all there is to it; it doesn’t have a function. But if it didn’t have a function, one wouldn’t have the ability to feel angry. Conflict So as being angry is neither good nor bad, this shows that one is in conflict with themselves. Anger is neutral, what is causing them to experience problems is how they perceive their anger on one side, and how they deal with it on the other. While one might believe that they are doing the right thing by denying their anger, it is only going to have a negative effect on their life. For example: when someone doesn’t listen to their anger and allows it to build up, it can cause them to have anger problems. Deeper Meaning At some point in one’s life, they would have learnt that it is not safe for them to experience anger. Although the experiences they had would have caused them to create certain beliefs, it is pain they experienced through having these experiences that will be having the biggest impact on their life. While their adult experiences will have played a part, it is likely to have been what occurred during their childhood that set them up disconnect from their anger. This would have been a time where their caregivers stopped then from expressing their anger. Two Options If they expressed their anger, they may have been harmed and/or abandoned. And as this was a time when one was completely dependent on their caregivers, it wouldn’t have been safe for them to embrace their anger. On one side, they had to disconnect from themselves, but on the other, it is what allowed them to survive. At this point in their life, one wouldn’t have been thinking about whether this was the right thing to do or how it would affect them, they were only focused on gaining their caregivers approval. Awareness While it will be important for one to change what they believe around anger, this might not be enough. For if the emotional experiences of the past remain in one’s body, it might not matter what takes place in their mind. To focus exclusively on the mind can end up being a form of decoration; in the short-term it might have a positive effect, but as time passes, it might soon wear off. It will be important for one to process the emotional pain that is within them and this will allow them to integrate their anger. One can then see that their anger is there to assist them as opposed to seeing it as something that is there to cause them problems. This can be done with the assistance of a therapist, healer and/or a support group. If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article, as many others have. Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk/ If one was to look back on their time at school or to a time when they were playing sports, they might remember a moment when someone fell over or injured themselves. Now, as they picture this in their mind, they might see that some people laughed and some people didn’t. One way of looking at this would be to say that there were people who stayed in their head and people who went into their heart. When one stays in their head, it can be easy for them to avoid their feelings; just as when one brings their attention into their heart, it will be possible for them to feel another’s pain. An Example Through thinking about the past, one has gained an understanding of what it looks like when someone has empathy and when they don’t. They might not even need to go back this far, as they might be able to think about something that happened today or a few days ago. When one shows empathy, they will have done their best to feel how the other person is feeling; this doesn’t mean there will be a complete match, but they will be close enough. In the absence of empathy, one won’t be using their head and their heart to imagine how the other person is feeling. Detached It could be said that they will be detached from what is taking place and this is why they won’t in touch with the other person’s experience. One is not allowing themselves to imagine how the other person is feeling. When one is out of touch with their own emotions, it won’t be possible for them to connect to another person’s emotional experience. One will see themselves as separate from the other and as they feel this way, their behaviour could be classed as normal. A Different Language If someone only spoke one language and they were to come across another who spoke a different language, there will be problems. One person could ask where the toilet is and the other might end up getting them a drink. But as they both speak different languages, this is to be expected. It is not that one person is out to have a negative impact on the others life; it is that one is doing the best they can with what they know. Appearances Each person looks the same and yet they speak a different language. And when it comes to empathy, each person looks the same, but they are not experiencing life in the same way. This could also have an effect on someone’s career path; as if one is unable to show empathy, it wouldn’t be a good idea for them to work in the helping profession. Similar to how if one has a high level of empathy, they might not be cut out for the corporate lifestyle. Inner Process When one shows empathy, they are going to have a different inner process to someone who doesn’t. This is not to say that one has to do anything, as it could be something that takes place naturally. However, even when one is able to empathise, it doesn’t mean they will be in a constant state of empathy. There are likely to be moments when they won’t show empathy, and this is to be expected. Selective Empathy If one was to be in constant state of empathy, they would soon end up feeling drained. It is then going to be important for one to have boundaries and to protect their ability to feel what others are feeling. For example, one might give things to others, but that doesn’t mean that they should give their house away. In order for one to be there for others, they will have to be there for themselves. Two Experiences So while there will be times when they have to detach, there will be times when they are connected to how others feel. Yet, when it comes to someone who is more or less always detached from how others feel, it shows that they are out of balance. The need to protect themselves has taken over and they are not using their ability to connect with other peoples emotional experience. What this can show is that they have a build up of emotional pain within them. Pain As a result of how they feel on the inside, it is then too painful for them to empathise with others. It is not possible for them to feel another pains and to then carry on with their life. When they feel others pain, it can trigger what they have disconnected from within their own body. It is then not that they don’t care about others, it is that they are doing what they can do avoid their own emotional pain. A Build Up So unless one deals with the pain that is within them, it is highly unlikely that they will change how they are. Pain is part of life and this is why it is important for one to deal with their pain. All the time one avoids it, it is going to affect their ability to experience empathy. The pain within them could be due to what happened during their childhood, as well as what has happened during their adulthood. Awareness When one wants to experience more empathy, they will have a reason for face their pain. Yet, if this need is not there, one might continue to avoid their pain. It will be important for one to reach out for support here. This could be through the assistance of a therapist, healer and/or a support group. If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article, as many others have. Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk/ It is often said that human beings are inherently selfish and the only thing they care about is themselves. There are going to be some people who agree with this and there are going to be others who don’t. If a being from another planet landed on earth and heard this outlook from a human being, they might come to conclusion that human beings are to be avoided. The impression that they form through hearing this is unlikely to be positive. One Experience After hearing this, they might decide to go and find out for themselves, to see if this is actually true. Upon meeting someone else, they could ask them something and end up being ignored. Or they could find someone who needs their help and end up helping them, but when it comes to what they want, the other person walks away. Their experiences have then validated what they heard when they had just arrived on earth. Another Experience Now, let’s say that the being from another planet doesn’t experience the scenarios above and instead, they meet someone who is only too willing to help them. And once this happens, they continue to meet others who do the same thing. If they were to come across people who were selfish, they would know that not everyone is the same. They could also meet someone who is only too willing to help them at one point and then they could end up being too busy for them in the next. Balance This would allow them develop a balanced outlook when it comes to what human beings are like. Although this relates to an experience a being from another planet might have, it sheds light on how human beings can be. There are going to be some people who are almost always selfish and others who are more almost always willing to be there for others. And in the middle of these two extremes, there will be people who can switch from one side of the coin to the other. How Is This Possible? If human beings only thought about themselves, then everyone would be the same. yet, as there is a difference and people don’t always behave in the same way, it shows that this is not black and white. It could be said that human beings need to put themselves first as it is an important part of their ability to survive. However, the need to survive is not the only need that exists and this is why human beings can come across as ‘altruistic’. Two Factors One’s heart will play an important part them being there for others and there will also be the conditioning that they have received. Yet, just because one behaves in ways that are not classed as selfish, it doesn’t mean they are not getting anything back. Through being there for others, they could receive the validation they need to support the image they have of themselves or the values that they hold. It could then be said that there is lower form of selfishness and a higher form. The Defining Factors If one has been conditioned to be there for others, it doesn’t necessarily mean that they are operating from a higher form of selfishness; as it could be a way for them to receive approval from others. Their behaviour is then being defined by their need to survive and their needs could end up being ignored. When one is operating from a higher form of selfishness, they will generally be in balance. Taking care of their needs allows them to be there for others. And although their behaviour may lead to approval, it is not the only reason why they do what they do. They do what they do because it not only feels right in their heart; it also matches up with how they see themselves. Focus However, just because someone is usually caught up in their own world, it doesn’t mean that this won’t change. There may also be times when one is no longer able to be there for others and ends up being caught up in their own world. The reason for this change could be due to how they feel. This is similar to how the sun can make people want to go out and the rain can make them want to stay in. Pain When one is usually selfish, something could happen that changes how they feel and as they feel better, they might no longer need to be caught up in their own head. As their pain has diminished or even disappeared, they now have the energy to be there for others. Whereas, for the person who is usually happy to be there for others, this could all change because of how they feel. The pain that they are experiencing within them could end up being their point of focus and this means they won’t have as much energy. A Way Of Life There will be some people who have been in pain for most of their life and there will be others, who end up this way through what has happened to them in later life. This is going to mean that even though someone is self-centred, it doesn’t mean they want to be. It could be that based on how they feel, it is not possible for them to be any other way. There are also going to be people who need the time to focus on themselves so that they can deal with their pain. For example: if one has recently lost someone, it will be normal for them to focus on themselves. Awareness What matters here, is that one reaches out for the right support. Pain is part of life and although it is often avoided, it is there for a reason. The sooner one faces their emotional pain, the sooner they will be able to be experience a balance between being there for themselves and being there for others. This support can be from a therapist, healer and/or a support group. If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article, as many others have. Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk/ |
Oliver JR CooperAuthor of 26 books, Transformational Writer, Teacher & Consultant. Introductory Consultation
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Disclaimer
That which is contained within these articles is based on my own empirical understanding and is true for me at the time they were written. However, as I continue to grow, what I perceive as the truth will inevitably change and as a result of this - parts of these articles may not reflect my current outlook.
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