Whilst growth and progress are what many human beings seek, it doesn’t mean that this is what always takes place for them. There are some things that one might be able to achieve without too much trouble and others things that can always seem to remain out of their grasp.
And while this could be due to them not having the desire to grow in the first place, it doesn’t have to be the case. As even though one can have the desire and put in the work necessary, something can always seem to appear to get in their way and stop them from going to the next stage in their development.
This can relate to all areas of growth and achievement and affect their: career, relationships, finances and health, for instance. One could find that they only progress to a certain level in one area of their life, or this could apply to all areas.
So although one is free to do what they want and to decide how they use their energy, this is not making much difference. It can then seem as though one is in an invisible prison and that is in impossible for them to leave.
They may have achieved a certain amount of success or they could be in a position where nothing in their life ever changes. But no matter what ones position is, the outcome is the same, and this means that one is more or less stuck.
Now, if one doesn’t progress in life and is constantly at the same level, it would be easy to come to the conclusion that it is because of external reasons. And if one was to focus their attention purely on what has taken place externally throughout their life, they would soon find reasons for their lack of growth.
These can range from people getting in their way or not supporting them and not being given the right opportunities. Other people could be labelled as being luckier and more fortunate than they are.
Just as one is about to go to the next level, something might appear out of nowhere. This could make one believe that external forces are in place to stop them from having what they want and achieving what they have worked so hard for.
And based on these conclusions, which are only natural if one’s life doesn’t change, it is only natural that one can end up feeling like a victim. They can also feel: angry, frustrated, powerless and hopeless for instance.
This means that the external world is defining how they feel and one is therefore trapped and unable to find a way out. What this doesn’t take into account is what is taking place within someone’s inner world, and how this is playing a part in what shows up in their external reality.
So if one consciously wants to achieve one thing and their reality keeps giving them something else, it is clear that one is experiencing conflict. If one was to simply focus on what they consciously want and need, they are unlikely to find anything that is out of place.
And this is to be expected, as what is taking place consciously is unlikely to be the problem. What needs to be looked at is what is taking place unconsciously and in one’s body.
While the mind can be focused on success and on doing everything one can do to attain it, the body can have other ideas. Survival is the body’s primary focus and although success can enhance ones chances of survival, the body can also see it as a threat.
And if one’s body sees something as a threat, it won’t matter what they consciously want or need to achieve, their body will sabotage it. One will only attract into their life what their body feels safe with.
What one’s body feels safe with is not fixed and therefore something that is unable to be changed, it is the result of the experiences they have had. These can relate to their experiences as an adult, but more importantly what happened to them during their childhood
These experiences will have created certain associations and although these associations are simply the result of the experiences that one has had, they will be seen as the truth. And if one was to go against them, it would be interpreted as death by the ego mind.
One can have the need to experience intimacy in their life and yet, it never happens. This could be due to what their relationships were like with their caregiver/s growing up.
If they were controlling, smothering, overwhelming or even abusive, one would have learnt that getting close to others is not safe. But while times have changed, these associations have remained and therefore cause one to sabotage intimacy.
As a child, one may have only been accepted and approved of when something was wrong. At other times, they might have felt invisible and as though they didn’t exist. But as soon as something was wrong, such as a minor illness, attention soon appeared.
One could then have learnt that the only way to for them to avoid being rejected or abandoned is for them to suffer in some way. And if their life was going well they would be rejected and ignored by others.
Associations such as these will define what does and what doesn’t show up in ones reality. So if one unable is progress in a certain area in their life, they could ask themselves: what do I fear will happen if I have exactly what I want?
The answer might not come straight away and the mind may dismiss the question. But if one imagines having exactly what they want and tunes into their body, they will soon know.
One might find that once they question what they believe will happen if they achieve something, their life will gradually change. But for others it might involve releasing trapped emotions. These emotions would have been trapped in one’s body since their childhood years and continued to accumulate throughout their adult years.
And as these still remain in one’s body, it causes one to recreate the same experiences: simply because they are still perceiving reality in the same way as they did as a child. .The assistance of a therapist or a healer can allow one to get in touch with their trapped emotions and gradually release them.
While one can form memories that are pleasurable and remind them of moments that were special and uplifting, it is also possible for one to have memories that are painful. And these will remind them of moments that were stressful and even traumatic.
This is part of life and there is unlikely to be anyone on this planet who only has memories that are pleasurable or simply neutral. That is unless one is emotionally numb and therefore can’t feel pleasure or pain.
But with that aside, if one was to only have good experiences, they would soon lose their impact. One would no longer have the experiences that were ‘bad’ to create a sense of perspective in their life. It is the bad experiences that allow one to have greater appreciation for the ‘good’ experiences.
So as life is not perfect and consists of experiences that are not always uplifting, one is going to have memories that they would rather not have. Having the memories is not a problem per se, what is the problem is when they remain emotionally charged.
When something painful happens, one is going to have a certain emotional experience. This will be partly based on what happens and on their interpretation of what happens. If one allows themselves to process the feelings that arise, the memory will lose its charge over time.
However, if ones emotional experience is not processed and their feelings get pushed out of their awareness, the memories emotional charge will remain. This is unlikely to be something that happens consciously; it could just happen naturally.
The mind will use different defence mechanisms to protect one from the emotional pain that arises. The emotions will then stay in one’s body and the mind can become disconnected from them.
One reason this pain becomes pashed out of one’s awareness is because it is too overwhelming for them to handle. This is then the only option available and the one action that allows them to handle what happens.
It could be that there was no support around or if there were people around, perhaps it wasn’t acceptable for them to reveal what they were going through. The conclusion was made that is wasnt safe for them to embrace their feelings.
And if the people around them were supportive, what can still get in the way is if one doesn’t feel comfortable with their emotions. It then won’t matter who is around, as one will stop themselves from allowing their emotions to come to the surface.
Painful memories can be the result of one having experiences that were extremely traumatic and shook one to their very core. This could relate to: abuse as a child and/or as an adult; a car accident; the loss of a family member, pet or friend; the ending of a relationship or a job loss for example.
And as each and every one of us is different, it means that not everyone is going to react in the same way. One person could experience a loss or have a certain experience without too much trouble; whereas if this were to happen to another person, it could have a far greater impact.
This could be due to one person being more emotionally stable than the other for instance. How nurturing their childhood was can also have an effect on how emotionally resilient they are and therefore influence how they respond to experiences.
If one is carrying emotional pain form their childhood or from a later experience that was painful, this could make it harder for them to cope with what happens to them.
But no matter what happened in the past, in order for one to take charge of how they feel and not to allow their memories to take control, they will need to processes their feelings. If they are left and not dealt with, one will continue to be haunted by what happened – no matter how long ago the experience was.
When the experience occurred, it might not have been possible to face how one felt. And even though time has passed, one might still find it difficult to face how they feel. One could be in touch with how they feel or they could have become numb.
This is why it is important for one to reach out and to get the assistance that they need. To try and face ones feeling by themselves could be overwhelming. So it would be no surprise if one has done all they can to avoid them. This doesn't mean that one is weak or lacks courage; it is simply the result of their mind doing what it can to stop one from being overwhelmed.
The kind of assistance that someone needs, can depend on how emotionally charged their memories are. A therapist or healer, who can allow one to face their emotions and gradually release them, might be the best option.
However, the most important thing is that one reaches out for help and doesn't allow their past to control their life any longer.
When a relationships ends, there is the chance that it will lead to one experiencing a lot of emotional pain. There is also the chance that one will be quiet happy with what has happened and although there may be a mild sense of loss for example, they will soon settle down and be on their way.
It will depend on numerous factors as to how one feels when they experience the end of a relationship. Just because their relationship has finished, it doesn’t mean that it hadn’t finished a long time ago.
One could have physically been with the other person, but mentally and emotionally checked out for instance. Perhaps it had come to its natural end and one knew that it would end soon.
There is also the chance that the relationship they were in was nothing more than a rebound. And as they hadn’t let go of their previous relationship/s, they were unable to fully embrace the other person. So whether they are in this person life is then irrelevant, as they are still caught up in the past.
When the emotional pain of one’s past has not been processed, it can reappear when one experiences conflict in a relationship, and when one comes to an end. This emotional pain would have been trapped in one’s body and then all it takes to come to the surface is an internal or external trigger.
This could pain could be from previous relationships, the loss of a loved one or a pet and/or their childhood. Each of these represents a time that has passed; what has remained is the pain that wasn’t processed
The ego mind works by association and this means that when something happens in the present, it will search ones history to find other occurrences that are similar. So one will then be reminded of the times that they experienced any kind of loss in their life.
This whole process can happen unconsciously, but while one might not be aware of the memories that have been located, they will be aware of the feelings, thoughts and sensations that these memories trigger. However, if the emotional charge was no longer in these memories, one wouldn’t experience the same amount of pain.
If the pain was processed, the mind could associate what was happening now to past experiences and very little would happen. It would just be a memory and there would be nothing to pull one in.
So this all comes down to loss and while meeting someone and gradually getting close to them is pleasurable and fulfilling, what usually has a bigger impact on one’s life is when a relationship ends. There are at least two reasons for why this is; one goes back many, many years ago and the other goes back to ones childhood.
During the time when humans were living in caves, it was important that they had enough food. It wasn’t important that they had more than they needed; having enough was all that mattered. If they lost what they needed, it could have resulted in death.
And during ones childhood, being abandoned or left alone at a certain age would feel like death. At this age, one wouldn’t have had the ability to regulate their emotional experience or to survive by themselves. Loss would have been over overwhelming and felt like the end of the world.
So this relates to ones inner experience and what can be taking place within. But while a breakup can be painful due to ones history and what loss means to the ego mind, there are also external factors involved.
Just as the mind will look for situations in ones past that match up with their current loss, it will also have formed associations around everything in their environment. And a lot of these associations are going to relate to the experiences one had with the person they were in a relationship with.
Before one was in a relationship with the other person, ones environment would have had different meanings. But through being around them, new meanings would have been created. This can include: where ones lives; where they used to go together; the people they used to spend time with and different objects.
And all the time one spends their time in these places, around these people or has these objects around them, they will be reminded of the other person. And this can make it harder for one to take their mind off the other person, let alone to move on.
So in order to move on from a breakup, one could let go of some of the external factors that are keeping their mind focused on the other person. In some cases, it might be necessary for one to change where they live in order move on. And other times, just taking a break from where they live for a few days, weeks or every now and then might be enough.
The places that one used to visit with the other person might be best avoided for a while; until their mind has settled down. One might not want to see certain people for a while and this is understandable. There could also be an item of clothing or a certain price of jewellery that will one need to be let go off or put to one side for a while.
These are just a few ideas of what can keep one’s mind focused on another person when a breakup has taken place. The best approach will be for one to think about what it is in their environment that reminds them of the other person. And based on this observation, one can decide what the best course of action is.
Reaching out for support during this time will also be important. This could be through having a friend to talk to or seeking the assistance of a therapist, healer or a coach for instance.
Although each and every one of us is physically separate and therefore has our own needs and wants, it doesn’t mean that one is always aware of what these are. So instead of one looking within for guidance and a sense of purpose, they can end up looking to other people.
This is what will be normal and what will feel comfortable to them. It doesn’t have to be something that takes place consciously either; with one just doing this unconsciously. What one should or shouldn’t be doing is then largely defined by the views and expectations of others.
One is then more or less completely dependent on other people, when it comes to what they do with their life. And while being open to feedback from others from time to time is healthy and something that will enhance one’s life, there has to be a limit.
Even though other people can have ideas and advice when it comes to what one can do with their life, it is impossible for them to know everything. If human beings were not separate and all had one brain, then it would be different.
When it comes to the people that one is closest to, such as friends, family, lovers or their partner for instance, there is going to be the chance that their guidance will be more relevant. These people will have a greater understanding than ‘strangers’, so it is to be expected that they will have a certain level of insight into what ones needs and wants are.
But no matter how close one is to someone and how long they have known each other for, they are still separate. And while being close to someone can allow them to have greater insight into what their needs and wants are, this doesn’t mean that they will know everything.
Just because one has had the need to do something for many years and ever since someone has known them, it doesn’t mean that they will always be this way. Human beings are changeable and this means that nothing set in stone.
It could be said that people are generally consistent in what they do, and yet, there is always the chance that they will change. So to think that anyone other than the person involved can know what is best is nothing more than an illusion.
On one side can be the tendency for one to look towards others, and on the other side can be the tendency of the people one is around to tell them what they should be doing with their life.
To look towards others all the time for guidance is unlikely to make one feel empowered and in control of their life. And to be around people that have always got something to say, in regards to what one should be doing, it’s not going to make one feel empowered or in control either.
Now, if one is unaware of how they look towards others, they could end up placing their attention on how people tell them what to do all the time. Other people are then seen as the problem and one could end up feeling like a victim.
However, if one didn’t look outside as much for guidance and give off the impression that they need others to tell them what to do; they would be less likely to attract people who behave in these ways.
What creates the illusion that the problem is ‘out there’, is when one is unaware of how this is what feels comfortable at a deeper level. Consciously the mind may resist what is happening, but the body feels comfortable with this dynamic.
So, as one is the only person who can know what their wants and needs are, and what their purpose is, it can be hard to comprehend why they would feel comfortable looking to others.
On the surface this might not make any sense, but if one was to dig a little deeper, they would soon find that there is a good reason for it. And the reason one is like this, is probably due to what their childhood was like.
Whether ones needs and wants were met as a child will depend on how aware their caregivers were. It is through their acknowledgement of them, that one will become aware of them themselves.
Ideally, one would have had a caregiver that was attuned to their wants and needs and therefore responded to them. Through this mirroring, not only would they have formed a connection to them, they would also have felt safe having them.
However, through one having a caregiver that was not aware of what ones needs and wants were, it would have made it difficult for them to form a relationship with them. Instead, they would have ended up paying attention to what their caregiver’s needs and wants were.
This wouldn’t have been a choice; it would have been a matter of survival. These experiences conditioned one to lose touch with their inner world and to look towards others for guidance.
If one is unaware of what they want and need, this is to be expected. And as one was not allowed to form a relationship with their needs and wants, it is not much of a surprise that they trust other people’s judgement more than they trust their own.
Ones ego mind will have formed certain associations when it comes to them following their own needs and wants. This could be that one would be rejected, abandoned and that they would die. These trapped feelings will need to be faced and released.
It will also be important for one to gradually build up their trust when it comes to listening to what they need and want. The assistance of a therapist, healer or a coach can also help with this process.
In the modern day world, education is seen as an important part of becoming successful and as a means of increasing ones quality of life. And so getting the right qualifications or the right training for instance is therefore imperative when it comes to making progress.
This sounds logical and can make more sense than not educating oneself and trying to progress in life that way. If one knows what they are talking about and has the skills required to do a certain task or to create something for example, then surely that will enable one to achieve their desired outcome.
Although this is something that many people adhere to and see as the key to success, there is another outlook that people can have. Here, it is not so much about what someone knows, it is more about who someone knows.
Ones focus is then not on simply becoming good at something, it is also placed on getting in contact with the right people. This is not to say that people with this outlook are therefore uneducated, it means that they understand how important people are.
One way of looking at this is to imagine a flower that is in full bloom; while the flower is incredible to look at and the smells it produces may amaze ones senses, if no one is around to see it, it won’t be appreciated.
This is nothing personal and has nothing to do with the flower itself; the world doesn’t have a hidden agenda to ignore the flower; it is simply that no one knows that the flower exists. The flower is not going to be phased by this and will still express its magnificence either way.
But while a flower can still grow and express itself without human exposure, the same can’t be said for humans. In order for human beings to increase their level of growth and success, they will need the assistance of others.
And although not everyone is going to warm to what one does and how they do it, they still need other people to move forward in life. Just because they are good at something, if the right person or people are unaware of it, they are not going to get very far.
This reflects what it is like for the flower and how this is not personal. People out there are going to appreciate what one does and the value they bring to the world, but unless they are aware of what one does, it won’t be possible for them to do this.
When one is not making progress and being appreciated for what they do, it can be easy to take things to heart. And to end up believing that other people are not interested and that one won’t get anywhere.
If one had two people in front of them, one person was a close friend of theirs and the other was a ‘stranger, it doesn’t take much to realise that one would do more for their friend than they would for the other person.
Their friend is someone they not only like and appreciate, but also someone they can trust. However, the other person is not someone they know much about. This doesn’t mean that the same connection is unable to be formed with the other person, but that it hasn’t been formed yet.
The same applies to success; the people that are elevated haven’t necessarily got something that one has got, but what they have developed are connections with the right people.
Being The Best
It can be normal to assume that one being the best is vital when it comes to being successful. But this outlook is soon destroyed when one comes across people who are great at what they do and yet haven’t progressed very far.
One could be very good at what they do, but if the right people don’t see them, it won’t matter. And someone could be fairly average at what they do, but if the right person or people come across what they do, they could soon rise to the top.
Also, what is classed as greatness and what is not, is subjective and what one person classes as the best, might not be looked at in the same way by another person. So one could be noticed by someone who has a lot of influence in a certain area and their life soon changes; regardless of how good they are in the eyes of others.
What You Know Or Who You know?
To think that one can become a success without knowing anything or having any kind of ability might be bit naive. And yet, if one was to think that knowing the right things or becoming really good at something is the answer, they are not going to be in a much better position.
This shows how important relationships are, and making sure that one reaches out to the right people and ends up in right places. Having the drive and the commitment will also allow one to keep going when nothing appears to be happening externally. As is having the belief that one does matters; even though it might not always appear that way.
There are people on this planet who are experiencing relationships that are functional and healthy. This might be how it has always been, or it could be the result of them making certain changes throughout their life.
On the other side of the spectrum will be people who are currently experiencing relationships that are dysfunctional and unhealthy. And while this may be the result of what has happened in their later life, it could be something they have experienced more or less their whole lives.
So no matter what ones relationships are like, they are likely to be what are classed as normal. If ones relationships are fulfilling, then one can feel grateful; that’s if they were to even think about how things are for them.
When one has experienced something for a while or for their whole life, it can be easy to take it for granted. It is then ignored and instead of realising how fortunate one is, one can focus on what they haven’t got for instance.
And if ones relationships are not fulfilling, one can feel like a victim or that they have no control. There is the chance that one will do something, and yet they might just put up with how things are.
How life Is
If one is in a position where they have always experienced healthy relationships, they might believe that this is how life is. And that everyone else has relationships that are as fulfilling as theirs.
And if one has always had relationships with others that are not fulfilling or just when it relates to the opposite sex for instance, they might also believe that this is how life is. They could believe that everyone else is in the same position as them or just not place too much attention on people who are experiencing life differently.
So while some people will be aware of the fact that their relationships are not healthy and therefore have the chance to do something about it, there are also going to be people who are not aware of how dysfunctional their relationships are.
And like the fish that doesn’t know it’s in water, one will have relationships that they don’t realise are unhealthy. This is not to say that one will be in denial about how things are, they can be only too familiar with pain and drama.
What is can mean is that one has not come to the conscious realisation that their relationships are not healthy. As a result of this, one is unable to know that there are other ways for relationships to be.
The experiences that one has had with people will have created a certain outlook about what relationships are like. These will have shaped ones personal beliefs about relationships and about their own value.
So if one has only experienced relationships that are abusive, controlling, manipulative, cold and neglectful for instance, then this is going to be classed as the ‘truth’ to their ego mind. And what the ego mind sees as the truth will define how one experiences life.
Anything that goes against the ego minds ideas will be filtered out in some way. What the mind sees is what is classed as familiar, and what is familiar is what is safe. However, what is classed safe could be harmful and detrimental to ones wellbeing.
One can then end up living in a self created prison and the chance of seeing reality differently becomes impossible. In order for one’s mind to see that there are other ways for relationships to be, one will need to expose themselves to things that will make their mind think differently.
For as long as one’s mind is not challenged, one will continue to think in the same way and to therefore experience life in the same.
When new information is taken on board, it will be like a new seed that is planted; at first very little will occur, but as time passes, growth will appear. What this new information does, is create an inner contrast.
And no matter what ones relationships are like, when they have seen that they can be different, there is hope. What this then gives someone is the belief that change is possible and that they don’t have to put up with how things are.
But without these new reference points, one would be trapped in the prison that their mind has created over the years. This doesn’t mean that everything will change overnight or that it even needs to, what matters is that a new seed has been planted.
New Reference points
It is clear that these new reference points won’t just appear in one’s mind, they need to be created. And this is going to mean that one needs to do things they wouldn’t usually do. Although one will need to accept how things are, it doesn’t mean that they have to see their life as anything other than feedback.
Their outer world is simply mirroring back what is taking place within them. One way to create new reference points is to read books on relationships; this will alter ones inner model. Another way is to consciously look for people who have good relationships.
Ones childhood years play a big role in what their relationships are like as an adult. So looking into what took place here and questioning the beliefs that were formed, as well as processing any emotional pain, will make a difference.
Books can be read and courses can be taken, as well as reaching out for the support of a therapist, healer or a coach. The main thing is that one changes their inner model of what relationships are like and how they deserve to be treated.
While it can be relatively easy to notice how another person behaves and how this affects their life, the same cant always be said about how one behaves and how this affects their life.
And a big part of this comes down to how the modern day world is; with people generally being taught to focus on what is taking place externally and not to engage in any kind of self reflection. Our senses are then engaged and our attention ends up being placed on what is going on in the world.
It is then normal for one to know what other people are doing, but this can then lead to one being oblivious to what they are doing. If another person was to ask why their life is the way it is, one could probably come up with all kinds of reasons.
But one could ask themselves the same question and wonder why their life is the way it is. And yet if one was to ask another person, they might start to come to gain some insight. This doesn’t even need to be someone that one knows all that well either.
Shining The Light
They could be someone that one has only met recently and while only a short amount of time has passed, it has been enough for them to notice how one behaves. Upon receiving this feedback, one could be grateful or they might become defensive.
It can all depend on what the other person has noticed; how they communicate what they have noticed and how open one is to receiving feedback, amongst other things.
When one doesn’t notice something,, it is usually because their mind has identified with it. It is then not something they notice, it is has become who they are. So when one comes along and points something out for example, it could lead to resistance.
What the mind has identified with will be what it has attached to. Once this attachment has occurred, it will be interpreted as familiar and therefore safe. From here, it will no longer been seen as a threat to ones survival and it can then be overlooked.
However, just because the mind feels safe with something, due to it being familiar and therefore no longer needs to be the object of one’s focus, it doesn’t mean that this will benefit one’s life.
The mind will want to hold on and it won’t matter how harmful it may be to one’s life. So the reason the resistance appears, is because the mind has become attached and to let go will be interpreted as dearth to the ego mind.
And this can relate to ones behaviour, their feelings and their thoughts for instance. To let go of how one behaves or how they feel is unlikely to lead to ones death, but that’s not how the mind sees it.
Through realising that resistance will appear when one tries or does change something, one can gradually accept that this is normal and not something that needs to be avoided. By accepting what is taking place and not trying to resist it, one is using their ability to observe.
So just how one might watch the clouds as they move, without any interest as to what they do, one does the same with their mind and body. In the early stages of this there is likely to be the tendency to get attached to the story and the words in one’s head or the feelings in their body.
While one can gradually improve their ability to observe themselves in a short amount of time, it is an ability that one can develop for the rest of their life.
When one is attached to their thoughts, feelings and behaviours, they are not separate from them. However, when one is no longer attached to them, they have created space. And through allowing this contrast to appear, one is able to see that they are more than what is going on in their mind and body.
So through having contrast, one will see that they are not their thoughts, feelings or behaviour on one side and on the other, it will also allow one to see that there are other ways for them to behave, think and feel and to look at the world and themselves.
And this is why information is so important, as it enables one to see that there are other ways. Without new information, one would have no way of seeing that what they are doing is not helping them. New information allows one to think differently and to question what they already believe.
As well as this, taking responsibility for how one feels, what irritates them and what ones relationships are like, is another way to increase self awareness. It can be easy to blame others for how one feels, to point the finger when one feels irritated and come to the conclusion that other people are the problem.
However, while it can appear as though what is going on ‘out there’ is the problem, this is an illusion. Consciously on may not see how what is taking place externally has anything do with what is going on internally and yet if they were to bring their focus inwards, another outlook may soon arise.
Developing self awareness is a process and one that will never end. So one may decide to develop it by themselves or they might feel the need to seek some kind of assistance. When one is carrying a lot of baggage from the past, it is going to be harder for them to observe themselves.
As not only will this baggage cause challenges within, it will also create challenges without. So as this build up is released, one will gain a greater sense of clarity within. A therapist, healer or a coach can make a massive difference when it comes to developing and/or increasing self awareness.
When someone talks about something they have been going through or how they currently feel, there is the chance that they will use the world ‘you’. This means that the word ‘I’ is unlikely to be used.
So even though one is talking about themselves, it can come across as if they are talking about someone else. And even though this is taking place it doesn’t mean that one is conscious of this fact; it can be a habit and something they do without knowing.
There is the chance they are aware of what they are doing, but this is not necessarily the case. Whether one is aware of this or not, it is done for a reason and is not something that just happens.
Consciously they may be oblivious to why this is, but if they were to dig a little deeper, they would become aware of why this is happening. And as this is something that a lot of people do, it can easily be overlooked and seen as normal.
However, just because something is seen as normal, it doesn’t mean that it is healthy or functional. There is going to be some people who find it normal to always say ‘you’ and others who find it normal to say ‘I’. The word that one uses can all depend on what they are talking about.
Personal And Impersonal
When the word ‘you’ is used, it is impersonal and can create the impression that one is taking about something that doesn’t relate to them. On the other hand, when it comes to using the word ‘I’, it is clear that one is talk about something personal.
So if one was use the word ‘you’, they are likely to feel safer than if they were to use the word ‘I’. This is because they are not the point of focus, another person is. When one talks about themselves, there is the chance that they will feel more vulnerable.
If one was talking to their friends and was to use the word ‘I’, they should feel safe. Being vulnerable around people such as these is not likely to be a problem. And yet if one was to use the word ‘I’ around people they don’t know, one might not feel as safe.
So if one was to change what term they use depending on they are with, it is due to them wanting to protect themselves. This is normal and is there to ensure ones survival.
So while there can be a good reason for it and this is that it is there to protect someone, it can also end up being a way for them to avoid responsibility. It then won’t matter who they are talking to, and whether they have known each other for five minutes or five years, as the same word will be used.
And one could be in a position where they are not even aware of what they are doing. Saying the word ‘you’, is something that just happens and that’s the end of it.
When one doesn’t own something within them, it can end up being projected onto others; this applies to what is ‘good’ and to what is ‘bad’. The mind, through not wanting to face something, ends up seeing it in someone else.
And while using the word ‘you’ doesn’t mean that one is actually projecting their experience onto another, it does mean that one has chosen to disconnect from what they are talking about.
If they were to use the word ‘I’, they could end up experiencing certain emotions that are too painful to face. And when it comes to other people, they might believe that other people will judge them or label them, if they were to own what they are going through and not to disconnect from it.
This belief could be something they have created due to previous experiences and even through their own thinking. And when it comes to the pain, one might believe that if they were to face it, they might end up being overwhelmed.
At times, using the word ‘you’ is going to be offensive and other people could end up feeling responsible for what one is going through. Just because one is experiencing something, it doesn’t mean that another person is going through the same thing.
For example, if one was to say to someone - ‘you know when you can’t be bothered to go to the gym every week’, there is the chance that the other person can’t be bothered, but there is also the chance that the other person does go every week.
This is a fairly mild example and there is going to many other things that one could say that are going to be far more offensive.
So if one finds themselves using the word ‘you’ all the time, it will be important for them to look into why this is. They might have to change some of the beliefs that they have had for quiet some time.
And if saying ‘I’ doesn’t feel comfortable, then this may be a sign that one has some emotional work to do. The emotions that appear when one says ‘I’ may be trapped in their body. These can be released with the assistance of a therapist or a healer.
For many years, men were seen as being one way and women as being another way. And as time has passed, these differences are no longer as extreme as they used to be. But while some things have changed, in regards to what men and women are like, there is still work to be done.
This is understandable, as change doesn’t happen over night; especially when men and have women have been defined and have defined themselves in certain ways for so long. There is going to be resistance, even when these roles are no longer helping men and women.
For so long, women were suppressed and unable to experience their own sense of empowerment. And while it would be naive to say that this has now come to an end, it is clear that a lot has changed for women in the western world.
It is no longer a surprise to see a woman who is in her power and displaying characteristics that have been associated with what it means to be a man for so long. They can be assertive, strong, driven and confident, as well as have moments where they display more feminine traits.
So while women have gradually been finding their power, in some cases, men have gradually been losing theirs. There is going to be different factors involved here and one of those factors is due to women taking on the roles that are more masculine in nature.
And if women are displaying behaviour that is usually seen in men, it is only natural that an identity crisis is going to arise. Men could end up behaving how women have behaved for so long and yet, this is unlikely to make them feel empowered.
Some men will go along with this and behave in ways are passive and submissive, and not only can this feel wrong to them, the women who they come into contact with can also feel that something is not right.
This is only natural, because these roles have been ingrained into people for many, many years and are not just going to change in a matter of years. The mind can be ready, but the body can take longer to get on board with these new ways of behaving.
And as women are being given the chance to embrace their masculine nature, men are being given the chance to embrace their feminine nature. The ideal is for both genders to integrate both sides and then to utilise the side that is appropriate or serves them best in any given moment.
It is then a choice and not something that is out of their control. But as men and women have been out of balance for so long, this is going to take time and won’t just fall into place.
Change is rarely something that happens smoothly and it often happens through some kind of destruction occurring. And as a result of the gender roles changing, it is has created confusion, amongst other things. While women may be happy to embrace a new role in certain environments, it doesn’t mean that all women are completely comfortable doing so.
Just as some men are going to be happy to embrace different roles; it doesn’t mean that all men are going to be. At times, it might be important to show resistance and for one to stand their ground.
Doing so will be in ones best interests and be an expression of their individuality. However, at other times, it will inhibit their growth as human beings. For example, it will be important for men and women to be assertive during certain times of their life.
And it doesn’t matter what is or is not socially acceptable or how one has come to define themselves; as it will benefit them to do something different.
When it comes to emotions, it is generally acceptable for women to express them and for men to repress them. While this may be normal, it doesn’t mean that it is healthy. There will also be examples where the opposite takes place and women repress them and men express them.
And in some cases, women are going to be no more emotionally developed then men are. To deny how one feels is not going to be healthy and yet expressing how one feels and having no emotional control is not much better.
But as men are women are generally not expected to be any different, there is no reason for change to take place. And so the emotional development of both men and women ends up being stunted.
Women can be emotionally out of control, without ever coming to the conclusion that they need to take responsibility for how they feel. And men can repress their emotions, without ever considering that they need to face how they feel.
As social awareness increases and the pressure to conform to certain roles decreases, men and women will be able to express themselves in ways that are empowering and healthy. The need to play a role because of one’s gender will gradually disappear and what will appear is ones true self.
And each and every one of us has a part to play and a voice that deserves to be heard.
When it comes to how someone’s behaves in a certain society, there is the chance that their behaviour goes against what has been defined as acceptable. At times this could lead to someone ending up in prison and at other times, it could cause them to be labelled in some way.
And while ending up in prison can be a sign that someone has taken part in something that has harmed or could have harmed another, there is also the chance that they didn’t do anything inherently wrong. The only reason they have ended up there, is that what they went against the law’s of a given society.
One example of this would be when someone takes ‘illegal drugs’: on one side it can keep people safe, as drugs can be dangerous and yet, it also takes away peoples free will and their individual responsibility. Thereby keeping people in a childlike state and this state means they will need to be continually watched over by parent like figures.
And the fact they are illegal and shouldn’t be used means that they are more enticing to some people. If they were accepted, they are not going to have the same enigma. As well as this, through them being legal, there would be better education available.
And when someone is labelled, it might not lead to them ending up in person, but what it could do is cause them to end up being ostracised. This might not cause too many problems for someone, but it could lead to different challenges; depending on what one was labelled for and who took offence.
For example, if someone was to be too emotionally expressive in public, they might be seen as unhinged or out of control. And this can relate to the expression of ‘negative’ and ‘positive’ emotions. If emotions were embraced and not rejected, there is the chance that expressing would be seen as normal and therefore acceptable.
So it can be easy for one to be on constant alert as to what is acceptable and what is not and to behave accordingly. And this is going to relate to what is classed as illegal and what could result in one being socially rejected in extreme cases.
Of course, it will be important for one to learn the laws and rules of the society that they live in to avoid doing things that are not acceptable unknowingly. However, one can end up placing so much of their attention on doing what is ‘right’, that they become disconnected from their own essence.
The Loss Of Individuality
Being an individual is then no longer what matters, what matters is fitting in. And while there will be certain things that one will need to abide by, there will be plenty of others things that need to be broken or at the very least challenged.
People are easier to control when they follow what other people do and have no sense of who they are. This works in a society’s favour and allows the rules and laws to be upheld, even though it might be necessary for change to occur.
When there is the need for change to occur and this could be something that will actually enhance the majority of people’s lives, it is likely it will be based around getting people to change their behaviour.
It is not likely that deeper questions will be asked as to why people have been behaving as they have been. And this is understandable, as this would take too long and even if some people were asked, they might not have an answer or be willing to find out what the answer is.
So people will be conditioned to behave in others ways and this will be done through causing them to associate their old ways of behaving as being unacceptable and as what could lead to social isolation for instance.
Political correctness is one example of how people have come to associate certain behaviours and words as being unacceptable. This doesn’t mean that what caused the behaviour and words in the first place no longer exists though.
It just means that it is going to be kept under control, in most cases, through a mind that has been conditioned. So while it may look as though change has taken place, in many ways it is just an illusion.
Ones true feelings, thoughts and beliefs, the things that defined how they behaved and spoke to others, have just ended up being pushed out of their conscious awareness. And this can lead to what is known as reaction formation.
Here, one ends up behaving in ways that are the complete opposite to how they feel. So if a man feels hate towards women, he can end up coming across as extremely nice. As it is not acceptable for the man to show his true feelings, he ends up going to the other extreme.
On the outside it could appear as though change has taken place, but it is just one big cover up. One has simply become cut off from their true feelings and is now living in denial.
The Usual Approach
So the reason as to why a man feels hate towards women is then not looked at. And through being conditioned to believe that this feeling, as well as others, is unacceptable, one is not likely to look at why they feel as they do either.
This feeling of hate is there for a reason: it could stem from a man’s childhood and therefore need to be faced and released. Through this, a man may no longer have the need to hate women.
This feeling is not necessarily going to be seen as having a cause and how based on this cause, it can be normal that a man feels as he does.
What will usually happen is that the man will be labelled as being a misogynist and/or a sexist. And if his behaviour is looked at, without an understanding of the real cause and one that he is probably unaware of himself, then this is going to come across as the truth.
The same thing applies to many other isms that are around today. Looking deeper at why people see others as they do, is going to take longer, but the real answers will be found.
How someone behaves may not be acceptable as it will harm others, but if one was to look at the situation or situations that caused them to act as they do and this may relate to what happened many years ago, then a different outlook may appear.
And when something is looked at differently, it can result in a new approach being utilised.
Oliver JR Cooper
Teacher, Author, Transformational Writer & Consultant - With Over 2,000,000 Article Views Online.
That which is contained within these articles is based on my own empirical understanding and is true for me at the time they were written. However, as I continue to grow, what I perceive as the truth will inevitably change and as a result of this - parts of these articles may not reflect my current outlook.
A Dialogue With The Heart - Part One
A Dialogue With The Heart - Part Two
A Dialogue With The Spirit
Why Does He Behave That Way? Why Do I Behave This Way?