While one may have only heard the term ‘self-made’ recently, that doesn’t mean it is something that has been created within the past few years. It is a term that has been around for many, many years and the word ‘man’ is often added at the end.
In today’s world, it not just something a man can use to describe himself, it is also something a woman can use. What this comes down to is that women are more empowered than they were in the past and there are more opportunities for them to fulfil their needs. In The Shadows They no longer need to stay in the shadows and to watch men achieve what they want to achieve. This is not to say that every country in the world is the same; as there are some countries that are still stuck in the past. However, there is a clear difference in the west when it comes to how women were treated in the past and how they are treated now. This doesn’t mean women are always treated as they want to be treated, but then again, neither are men. Success If one was to think about people who are successful, there is a strong chance that they won’t just think about men. Whether one was to think about the people they know or the people they see in the public eye, they are likely to think about people from each gender. What one person classes as success is not necessarily the same as another, but this is not going to mean that a certain type of success is only experienced by one gender. It won’t matter what one classes as success; as there will be people out there from both genders who match up with their definition. In The Beginning When it comes to what someone has achieved, they may have come from nothing or they may have started off with a silver spoon in their mouth. If one started off with a silver spoon in their mouth, it is not going to be possible for them to say they are self-made. To say such a thing would show they are not only lying to others, they are also lying to themselves. From the very beginning, the support they needed was with them and they didn’t need to struggle by themselves. Support This doesn’t mean that one didn’t have to do anything and that everything was done for them, but it would have made their life easier. One wouldn’t have had to look outside of their family for money or resources, as this would have been provided. But even if one wasn’t born with a silver spoon in their mouth, it doesn’t mean they had to do it all by themselves. If the financial support wasn’t there, it could have meant that one was supported in others ways. Guidance In the beginning of their life, they may have been given the guidance that they needed in order to learn a certain skill. Through being mentored by a member of their family, one would have been able to develop the ability to do something. If they were unable to show one what they wanted to learn, they may have taken them to someone who could show them. This would have allowed one to gradually develop themselves. Self-Made When it comes to someone who classes themselves as self-made, they are likely to say that their life didn’t start out this way. There wouldn’t have been any financial support and neither would there have been any kind of guidance. As these two factors were missing, one would have been the one who pushed themselves forward. It may have taken a while for them to get to where they wanted to be and this could be because the beginning of their life was a time where they lacked a sense of purpose. Proud So whether one had to wait until they were older or took their life into their own hands at a young age, they are likely to feel a sense of pride. They might reflect on the fact that not only have they achieved something; they have also done it without needing anyone else. Now, the people around them may validate this outlook or they may find it hard to believe how they have done everything by themselves. It is clear that one had to take the initiative, as what they needed wasn’t handed to them on plate, but at the same time, this doesn’t mean they were not assisted in other ways. Assistance It wouldn’t have been possible for them to sit around and for everything to fall into their lap, but if it wasn’t for the people who have assisted them along the way, they wouldn’t be the person they are today. One is an interdependent human being and this means they need other people. This assistance could have come about through reading books, having different mentors, speaking to people and taking courses, among others things. Each of these factors (along with many others) will have played a part in who one has become and what they have achieved. Actors When one watches a film, they can come to the conclusion that it is all about the actors. As these are the people who one sees on the big screen, this is to be expected. Yet, if it wasn’t for everyone else who has played a part in the creation of the film, the actor’s wouldn’t be able to do what they do. This shows it is not about one actor or a number of them; it is about a whole team of people. If an actor came out and said it is all about them and they are the ones who made the film what it is, they would end up being described as deluded. The Illusion However, when people come out and say that they are self-made in daily life, they are often believed. This allows them to maintain the illusion that they are where they are because of their efforts alone and not because of how other people have assisted them along the way.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk/
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Although feeling anxious from time to time is a normal part of life, if this is something one suffers from on a regular basis it is likely to mean that something isn’t right. Now, this is not to say that one has to be in a constant state of anxiety for there to be problem; as it could also be something that appears at certain points throughout their day.
In this case, it won’t matter if it is not something they constantly experience as it is still going to have a negative effect on their life. When one experiences more anxiety than they need to, they may wonder what life would be like without it. But while this might sound like the ideal way to live, it would create another set of problems. Yet, if it is not possible for one to settle down, it will be normal for them to imagine going from one extreme to the other. The Absence If one didn’t have the ability to experience anxiety it would cause them to overlook internal and external feedback. For instance, one may be out late at night and notice something suspicious or they may have an exam to prepare for. Through experiencing anxiety, one will be able to take evasive action and they will be aware of what they need to go over in order to pass their exam. Without this feedback, one might end up being harmed or even killed and they might not do what they need to do order to pass their exam. Normal When one experiences anxiety during moments like this, they are not going to come to the conclusion that something is wrong. But if they did, it would be a sign that they need to change their outlook as opposed to what is taking place within them. However, even if one does have a problem, it doesn’t mean they will find out why they are experiencing life in this way. One may decide to keep it to themselves and end up suffering in silence. Reaching Out If they do reach out for support, they might end up going to see their doctor. When this happens, one might end up being labelled and put on some kind of medication. In addition to this, one might be referred to a behavioural therapist and advised to take up some kind of meditation. This is likely to be a better approach than simply relying on drugs alone; as one will be able to empower themselves by actively participating in their own growth. Opening Up During this time, one is going to open up about what is taking place within them and how they are unable to settle down. Perhaps one experiences anxiety when they are around people they know and/or when they are around ‘strangers’. This shows that even though one is familiar with someone, it doesn’t mean they will be able to relax around them. It might not matter whether one is around their friends, family or work colleagues; as they still feel a sense of discomfort. Up And Down One may find that there are times when they feel extremely anxious and times when their level of anxiety drops. It may rise if one has to give a presentation, receives a promotion or if they go on a date. The people around them may find it hard to understand why they are responding the way they are. In their eyes, one may be competent, have what it takes to go to the next level and they may even describe them as being a great catch. Self-Sabotage But, even though one doesn’t need to get so anxious and the people around them have the same outlook, it won’t be enough to change what is taking place within them. As a way to deal with their heightened sense of arousal, one may end up sabotaging their life. Instead of going after what they have worked so hard for and what they deserve, they might hold themselves back. While this will stop one from having to feel so unstable, it is also going to stop them from moving forward. Another Approach After one takes medication and/or changes their behaviour, they may find that they are on their way. Yet, this approach might not work and this could cause one to look a little deeper. Or one might not want to take drugs and they may believe that changing their behaviour is not going to solve the problem either. This could cause them to look into what is taking place for them at an emotional level. Toxic Shame As one begins to get in touch with how they feel, they may start to realise why they suffer from anxiety. At a deeper level, one could find that they feel as though they are not good enough and that there is something inherently wrong with them. Based on how they feel about themselves, they are going to fear that other people will find out how worthless they are. One will believe that once they find out how flawed they are, they are going to end up abandoning them. A Normal Reaction As this is how one sees themselves at a deeper level, it is going to be normal for them to have anxiety problems. Although this inner outlook doesn’t reflect the truth of who they are, it is still defining their life. This shows that one is carrying toxic shame and unlike healthy shame, it has no purpose. The reason one feels as though they are flawed is likely to be the result of what happened during their childhood. During this time, one may have been physically, emotionally, verbally and/or sexually abused. This may have been a time where one was unable to do anything about what was taking place and they may have believed that they deserved it. Awareness Although time has passed, the emotional experiences of one’s past have remained within them. These will need to be processed and it will be important for one to be affirmed for who they are. This will involve grieving unmet childhood needs and through being affirmed, one will begin to realise there is nothing wrong with them. This can take place with the assistance of a therapist and/or a support group.
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When someone feels safe in their own body it is going to make their life a lot easier. But while this is the ideal, this is not something that everyone on this planet can relate to.
If one doesn’t feel safe in their own body it will be normal for them to be walked over and/or for them to isolate themselves from others. This is naturally going to stop one from being able to embrace their true-self around other people. One might be labelled as a people pleaser and someone who is easy-going, but this is not going to reflect their true nature. How they come across may create the impression that everything is fine. However, although this may be the impression that one creates, it is not going to reflect what is taking place within them. Based on their outlook, this is likely to be the only way for them to survive. Isolation Keeping people at a distance, as a way to avoid being violated, is not going to be much better. They won’t be walked over and neither will they have to put on an act, but they will be disconnected from other people. One is then going to be in a position where they have gained one thing and lost another. Yet, if they were to join other people as a way to avoid being isolated, they would soon feel violated. Lose-Lose It then won’t matter what they do; as both options are going to cause them problems. There will be some people who choose to be around others even though they are walked over and then there will be others who prefer to be on their own One may alternate between the two options; it can all depend on how they feel and who they are around. In order for someone to be around others without feeling violated, it will be important for them to develop boundaries. Reaching Out After one has spent a certain amount of time by themselves, the need to be around others is likely to make them reach out once more. One then spends time around someone or a group or people and while this may have a positive effect on them, it might not. If they end up feeling violated once more, they may just isolate themselves again; with this being a pattern that occurs at certain points in their life. These experiences could cause one to believe the world is against them and that they have no control over their life. Conflict However, as one has the need to be around others, to avoid others or to keep them at a distance is going to cause one to suffer. Part of them wants to reach out and another part of them doesn’t want this to happen. It is then not that they enjoy being by themselves, it is that this is the only way for them to protect themselves. What this shows is that something is not right and while this may be something one is used to, there is a reason why they are this way. Intimacy One is not going to be able to share themselves with another person; this will be something they have to deny. This doesn’t mean they won’t have friends or a partner though; as they may have relationships with others that lack depth. These people may encourage one to open up, but they might also be in the same position. This means that one won’t feel the need to open up and the people they spend their time with wont feel threatened either. Boundaries When one thinks about what it means to have boundaries, having the ability to say yes and no may come to mind. However, having boundaries means that one feels safe in their own skin. It is not just about what one says or what they do, it is also about how they feel. Having boundaries will mean that one feels as though they are safe and this is because of the energetic bubble that is around them. Vulnerable While human beings are inherently vulnerable, they are going to feel far more vulnerable without boundaries. However, when someone has boundaries it is not because they were born that way, it is because of how they were treated during their childhood. During these early years, one would have needed their caregivers to meet their needs (more often than not) and to respect their personal space. As this happened, one would have realised that it was safe for them to exist and they would have gradually developed boundaries. Violated If, on the other hand, one’s needs were rarely, if ever, met and their personal space was ignored, they wouldn’t have had the chance to develop boundaries. They would have believed that it wasn’t safe for them to exist and that the only way for them to protect themselves was to keep other people at a distance. As one had to disconnect from their needs it would have created incredible pain, but it would have been a matter of survival. At his age, it wouldn’t have been possible for one to walk away and this would have meant that they had to put up with the abuse. Awareness While one was powerless during these early years, they are no longer powerless as an adult. This means that one can reach out for the support that they need in order to develop boundaries. On one side, one will need to grieve their unmet childhood needs and on the other, they will need to have corrective experiences. Grieving their unmet childhood needs will allow them to let go of the pain that is within them and it will play a part in them being able to develop boundaries The corrective experiences will allow them to change their inner model and to see people differently. Both of these things can take place with the assistance of a therapist.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk/ If one was to think about a quality that is generally seen in a negative light, the word ‘stubborn may come to mind. This could be a word that one uses on a regular basis and/or it could be something they are used to hearing from other people. There is also the chance that this is not only a word that one regularly uses to describe others, it could also be a word that other people regularly use to describe them. In this case, the perception one has of other people matches up with the perception other people have of them. Projection When one finds another person’s behaviour irritating, it could be because it reminds them of something they have denied with themselves. This will mean that one has disconnected from their own feelings and has ended up projecting those feelings onto someone else. If one was to get in touch with what is taking place within them and to work through their emotions, they would start to see things differently. What used to cause a reaction in them might no longer affect them. Today’s World However, while one could look at why they feel the way they do when it comes to people who are stubborn; there is a strong chance that this won’t happen. This is partly due to the fact that people are not encouraged to look within in today’s world. As a result of this, one is likely to call someone stubborn and that’s about as far as it goes. The other person could dismiss what they hear or they may feel as though they are in the wrong. Resistance If one resists what they hear, it could cause the other person to say that they are in denial. Their response is then seen as another example of how they are unwilling to change or to take anything on board. It won’t matter if one has a reason for being the way they are; as they will be end up being labelled. They may have called them stubborn in the hope that it would cause them to change their behaviour. Acceptance However, if one doesn’t resist what they hear and accepts what someone says, they might end up feeling ashamed. The other person’s intention may have been to give them honest feedback or there may have had another agenda. Yet, just because one feels as though they are in the wrong, it doesn’t mean they are. What it could mean is that one values the opinions of others more than they value their own. Stuck Now, if one’s life or an area of their life is not going as they want it to go and one is called stubborn, it might be an accurate assessment. The fact that they are unwilling to change is having a negative effect on their life and unless they do something else, their life won’t change. One is then holding on when they should be letting go and while one might not be able to see this, the people around them can. In this instance, the best thing for them to do would be to listen to the feedback they are receiving. Another Angle However, there is going to be a difference when what one is doing is having the right effect on their life. In the eyes of others they may be seen as stubborn, but in their mind, they are simply doing what they need to do. When they are doing what they need to do, it will be important for them to stick to it. To change their behaviour and to go along with what someone else wants could end up having a negative effect on their life. Neutral This shows that being called stubborn is not necessarily a bad thing; it could mean that one is committed to something. It can all depend on how one’s behaviour is affecting their life. Therefore, one will need to take the time to reflect on whether they are being ‘stubborn’ or if they are following their own truth. And if one finds that they are being stubborn, it doesn’t mean they need to beat themselves up. Self-compassion When one is able to be supportive towards themselves, it will be easier for them to change their behaviour. This is because change rarely happens overnight and one will need to be able to handle the setbacks. If one has a setback and ends up putting themselves down, it could cause them to give up. But when they are able to be supportive towards themselves, they won’t feel the need to give up. Awareness It might be necessary for one to seek external support if they are having difficulty staying on track. This could be provided by a therapist, healer, support group or some kind of coach. If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article, as many others have. Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk/ While there are likely to be parts of someone’s life that are going to plan, there may be other parts that are not. When something is going the way one wants it to go, it is not going to have the same effect on their life. As it is going well, one might not even think about and it could be just another part of their life. If, on the other hand, something in their life is not how they want it to be, it may be end up consuming their whole life. This could relate to one area or it could include a number of areas. However, even if it relates to one area, it could still be enough to cause all kinds of problems. What this shows is how much of an impact one area can have. The Next Step One may look into what is not working and see what they can to make it work or they might do the opposite. In this case, one can end up doing everything they can to distract themselves from what is causing them to experience pain. When this happens, the pain within them won’t be used to push them forward. This may mean that one uses something to distract them or consumes something in order to change how they feel. Intelligence If one does what they can to move forward, they might be described as intelligent; whereas, if one avoids how they feel, they might not be. Yet, just because someone avoids their pain, it doesn’t mean they are not intelligent. What it is likely to come down to is how aware someone is and if they have the drive to move beyond what is taking place. One could have all kinds of qualifications, but they might not realise there is another way or have the drive to pursue the options that are available. Another Way When one believes there is another way and has the drive to find another way, there is a strong chance they will move forward. What is taking place externally is in conflict with what is taking place internally, but that won’t stop them. The first thing one may do in order to move forward could be to go on the internet; they don’t even need to talk to a friend or a family member about what is going on in their life. Within a few seconds of searching, all kinds of answers will appear. The Challenge One may want to change their self-image, improve their interactions with the opposite sex or to work on their boundaries, among other things. The answers to these questions and many more will be found on a search engine. Once these listings appear, one will need to think about what approach to take. This could be something that one is able to do without too much trouble or they might end up feeling overwhelmed. Information Overload If one ends up feeling overwhelmed, it doesn’t mean they are missing something; it is just part of being human. This wouldn’t happen if one did a search and only a few sites appeared. However, as one looks over the different sites and starts to get an idea of what they can do to move forward, they will see that there are a number of approaches available. Inner Work One may come across a lot of information that goes into on how important it is for them to look at what is taking place within them. This is often described as ‘inner work’, and it will involve looking at what one believes and kind of thoughts they have. Another part of this will be for one to get in touch with their emotions and to see if they have an emotional build up that needs to be released. When one works on each of these parts, it will give them the chance to experience life differently. Corrective Experiences One could also come across information that talks about how corrective experiences can change their beliefs and thoughts. As this happens, one’s outlook will change and this is also going to have an impact on how they feel. In this case, one will need to have experiences that will allow them to change what is taking place within them. This means that one’s focus won’t be on their inner world; it will be on their outer world. How Can This Happen? One way for one to have corrective experiences is for them to work with a therapist. Through their responses, one will not only be able to develop a new way of seeing themselves, they will also be able to develop a new way of seeing others. It is not a case of anyone will do though; as it will be important for one to work with someone who is able to offer the level of attunement that they need. This is not something that can only be provided by a therapist though, as it can also come from coaches, social groups and support groups, and through spending time with the right people. Letting Go As well as this, one will need to cut back on the amount of time that they spend with people who validate their old identity. This may mean that one needs to let go of some of the people in their life. If one was to continue to spend time with people who are unable to support them, it is going to hold them back. The corrective experiences they are having will still assist them, but not as much as they would if they were spending time with the right people. Awareness However, just because one is having experiences that are corrective, it doesn’t mean that what is taking place within them can always be ignored. In order for these experiences to take root, one may also need to deal with what is taking place within them. This shows that it might not be a case of one of the other; it might be that one needs to utilise both approaches. If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article, as many others have. Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk/ When one feels close to someone, there are likely to be a number of reasons why. One may know what these reasons are, or it may take them a while to realise why they feel the way they do. The connection they feel with the other person is likely to have built up over time. This is not to say that one can’t feel close to another without too much time having passed; as one can feel close to another without having known them for months or even years. What this shows is that is not simply a matter of how long one has known someone, it is also comes down to how the other person responds to them. If it wasn’t for these responses, one wouldn’t see the other person in the same way and this would have effect on their relationship. A Process Therefore, it will be important for them to be consistent with their responses; as it is not something they can do once and that’s the end of it. There may be times when they are unable to respond how one wants them to respond, but this will be the exception and not the rule. Is these responses are not there, it won’t matter if they have known the other person for years or if they are part of their family. A change in the other person’s behaviour will lead to a change in how one sees them. A Short Break If the other person changes their behaviour for a short time and then returns to how they were before, it might not mark the end of the relationship. In the short-term, it may cause one to pull away, but their outlook may soon change as time passes. As long as they are able to empathise with how one feels and take responsibility for their actions, one may allow the other person into their life once more. However, it may depend upon how the other person behaved and whether one feels as though they can trust the other person again. The End One may feel as though they are unable to open up to the other person again and this will mean that their relationship won’t be the same as it once was. They may decide to see the other person from time to time or they may decide to move on. The fact the other person was unable to respond in the right way may also be a sign that one has out-grown the other person. In this case, what seems like a one-off is a reflection of something far greater. Self-disclosure There are all kinds of things that one can share with another and while some of these things can be fairly trivial, there will be other things that are far more significant. If one has known someone for quite some time, they are likely to share things that they wouldn’t share with someone they have just met. Yet, if one feels a connection with someone they have just met or have only know for a short time, they may end up opening their heart. Based on how they feel in the other person’s presence, it will be normal for them to open up. Close Friends One may meet someone on a train or a bus, and end up telling them things that they wouldn’t tell their close friends and family. Although they are being vulnerable, they are opening up to someone they may never see again. Whereas, if one was to open up to someone they know, they may fear that the other person will put them down or use it against them. Yet, even though they are opening up to a stranger, it will be the result of how they are responding. Responsive When someone is responsive to another person’s self-disclosure, it will mean that they are able to listen to what they have to say. This is not the only thing they will need to do though; as they will also need to empathise with them. What this shows is that is not simply about one offering their ear, they also need to offer their heart. One will need to put themselves in the other person’s shoes and to do their best to connect with the other person’s experience. Intimacy Through these responses, one will gradually begin to trust the other person and this will allow them to open up. And as they feel safe and don’t feel the need to protect themselves, they will feel close to the other person. If, on the other hand, one opened up and they were put down or invalidated, it is going to cause them to retract. The other person will be seen as someone who can’t be trusted and they will keep their guard up. Two Ways This doesn’t mean it is all about one person though; as it will be important for each person to share parts of themselves. When one person opens up and the other doesn’t, it will create an imbalance. One will need the other person to be responsive to what they have to say and they will need to be responsive to what the other person has to say. It is a two-way occurrence and each person needs to play their part. Awareness If you are in a relationship with someone who is unable to be responsive, it may be a sign that you need to take a step back and to decide if the relationship is serving your best interests. It could be that you need to talk to the other person and to see what their outlook is. This may lead to a change in the relationship or it may signal the end. It will also be important to reflect on whether you are responsive to other people. If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article, as many others have. Oliver J R Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk/ The mainstream media covers many areas of life and one of the areas they cover is what one needs to do in order to be happy and healthy. Here, one will be told what they need to do and what they need to avoid. There will be what one needs to eat and avoid, and what they will need to have in moderation. In addition to this, there will be the kind of exercise one needs to do and how often they need to do it. Emotions Although they may say that one needs to keep their stress levels down or to limit the amount of time that they spend worrying, that’s about as far as it goes when it comes to one’s emotions. If one’s emotions had no affect when it comes to how healthy and happy someone is, this would be understandable. But as human beings are emotional beings and every part of their life is influenced by how they feel, it is going to be a lot easier for them to be happy and healthy if they have a healthy relationship with their emotions. It is clear that it is important to exercise and to eat well, yet, if one feels ‘bad’, it might not matter how fit they are or what they eat. Overlooked It would be easy to point the finger at the media or the ‘scientists’ who come up with this information, but they are just a reflection of society as a whole. Emotions are part of the human experience, but they are rarely given the attention they deserve in today’s world. If one has emotional problems, for instance, they might end up being labelled as having some kind of ‘disorder’. And while this may mean that one is able to get the support they need to move forward; it can end up being something that holds them back. The Illusion The people who have diagnosed them can create the impression that they know what is happening, but this might not be the case. It could be that they are matching one’s behaviour with something they have read in a book. When this happens, it is not going to be possible for them to be present and to see the person for who they are. They will no longer see a human being, what they will see is a set of behaviours that match up with a certain ‘disorder’. Avoidance But even if one isn’t given a label, it doesn’t mean they have a healthy relationship with their emotions. What it could mean is that one avoids their emotions through one of the options that society provides. It would be then be easy to blame these options (such as alcohol, drugs and gambling), but if there was a greater understanding of emotions in today’s world, it would be different. This is because when people are able to be with their emotions and know how to work through them, they are not going to be drawn to these external sources. Education If one does have a healthy relationship with their emotions, it is likely to be due to what happened during their childhood or what they have done as an adult. This means that their caregivers would have given them the guidance that they needed or they had to guide themselves. When an unhealthy relationship is formed during someone’s early years, it may stay this way for the rest of their life. This is partly because the mainstream education system rarely offers any guidance. A Different Approach Yet, if one has been able to develop a new relationship with their emotions as an adult, they won’t be defined by what happened during their childhood. This will give them the chance to diagnose themselves as opposed to being diagnosed by someone else. One will also have the strength to be with their emotions and to no longer run away from them or to push them out of their awareness. The time it takes for one person to develop a healthy relationship with their emotions won’t necessarily be the same as it will for another. Emotional Containment When one is able to be with their emotions, it will mean that they have the ability to contain them; how they feel is not being expressed and it is not being denied either. This will give one the chance to listen to what is taking place within them and to allow their emotions to guide them. It will then be possible for one to be a whole human being and to no longer disconnect from their body. And as one’s mind and body can work together, it will be a lot easier for them to be happy and healthy, among other things. Inner Strength If one wanted to double the amount of weight that they lifted at the gym, they would have to build up to that weight. One could just go for it, but it might be too heavy and they might even injure themselves. Just as if one doesn’t feel comfortable with their emotions, it is not going to be possible for them to contain them straight away. In order to handle what is taking place in their body, they will need to develop inner strength. Emotional Build Up When one doesn’t have this inner strength, it will be normal for them to avoid their emotions and this will cause them to build-up. If one’s emotions were not acknowledged when they were younger, this build up may have started during their childhood. The more they build up, the more one is going to want to avoid them and the more they avoid them, the more they will build up. This means that one won’t get the chance to develop emotional resilience. External Support If one doesn’t feel comfortable with their emotions, they will need to reach out for support. When someone develops the ability to contain their emotions during their childhood, it will be because of how the people around them responded to their emotions. This external support would have enabled them to develop their emotional strength. The external support that one missed out on can be provided by a therapist, healer and/or a support group. Awareness Through being affirmed and by being able to grieve unmet childhood needs, one will start to develop the ability to contain their emotions. The therapist or healer will create a safe space and provide the containment that one needs in order to face their emotions. If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article, as many others have. Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk/ As one is a human being, it will mean that they have their own needs to fulfil. If this wasn’t the case, they could go along with what other people are doing and it wouldn’t be a problem. One wouldn’t end up feeling frustrated and as though they were on the wrong track; as it wouldn’t be possible for them to be on the wrong track. Ultimately, they would be nothing more than an empty shell. In The Past When children were born in the past, they were often seen as an extension of their caregivers. This meant that their needs were not acknowledged by the people around them and they ended up being conditioned to do what the people around them wanted. Their sense of self would have remained undeveloped and they would have been the perfect slaves. Yet, even though the people around them would have had more power, they were in a similar position. Generational There is a strong chance that they were brought up in the same way and this is likely to mean that they were out of touch with their true-self. What happened in one generation was then passed onto the next. This kind of parenting would have been normal in the past, but in today’s world, it would be classed as abusive. However, just because this is not longer acceptable, it doesn’t mean it no longer takes place. Individual Nowadays, people are generally seen as individuals and this has made it easier for them to fulfil their own needs. One no longer has to go along with what other people are doing; they can listen to themselves. This will give them the chance to lead a life that reflects who they are as opposed to who someone else wants them to be. There may be times when other people know what their needs are, but this won’t always be the case. In Tune While one’s friends and/or family may be aware of some of their needs, they won’t be aware of all of them. When one is aware of what their needs are, they will be able to do what they can to fulfil them. This doesn’t mean that one will always have them met, but it will make it a lot easier for them to have them met. If one is not aware of their needs, it is going to be lot harder for them to fulfil them. The Other Part As well as being aware of what their needs are, they will also need to feel comfortable with their needs. If they don’t feel comfortable with them, it won’t matter if they are aware of them. When they fulfil their needs, it is not going to make them feel as though their survival is at risk. They may expect other people to disapprove of them or even to reject them at times, but these kinds of responses won’t hold them back. A Different Experience Yet, if one doesn’t feel safe when it comes to fulfilling their needs, they are going to find it hard to fulfil them. As a result of this, one can end up trying to fulfil others people’s needs as a way to fulfil their own. Although most of their needs will end up going unmet, it might be possible for them to fulfil certain needs. Yet, no matter what needs they are able to fulfil by pleasing others, they will be neglecting themselves. Self-Neglect If the people that one surrounds themselves with realise what is taking place, they may encourage them to take care of their needs. One might be able to accept what they hear, or they might end up ignoring it. However, they might not realise what is taking place and this could mean that one ends up suffering in silence. The face they show to the world creates the impression that everything is fine, but on the inside, it is a very different story. Needs This could mean that one ignores how they feel, doesn’t eat when they need to or eats when they don’t want to. They might end up putting their dreams to one side and doing what they can to full other people’s dreams. Their attention is not going to be on their life, it will be on the lives of the people around them or it may be on certain person in their life. Either way, one is not going to be taking care of themselves. Abandonment If one was to take a step back and to put their needs first, they may fear that they will be left. Ignoring their needs and putting other peoples needs first is then a way for them to make sure they won’t be abandoned. This shows that one doesn’t believe they can put their needs first and have people around them. It could also be said that they have an irrational fear of being left by others. Irrational fear Yet, one is no longer a child and this means it is not possible for them to be abandoned. But even though one looks like an adult, it doesn’t mean they feel like one. What this will mean is that while their fear may be irrational now, there would have been a time when it was rational. This is likely to mean they were abandoned during their childhood and how they felt during these moments has stayed within them. Awareness During these early years, being left would have felt like the end of the world and this is because one wouldn’t have had the ability to regulate their emotions. So unless the emotional pain of the past is processed, one will continue to abandon themselves in order to avoid being abandoned by others. One will need to grieve their unmet childhood needs and this is something that can be done with the assistance of a therapist or a healer. If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article, as many others have. Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk/ If one liked a certain song in the past, they would either have had to wait for it to be on the radio or they would have had to go and buy it. However, in today’s world, one no longer needs to buy a song; the only thing they need to do is to go onto the internet and to do a search. And after a fee seconds, they should be able to stream the song for free. Films This is not just limited to music though; as it is also possible for one to stream films online for free. One might not be able to find every film they want, but there is a strong chance that they will find at least one of the films that they want to watch. If one doesn’t want to watch a film and wants to watch a series instead, they are also likely to find something to watch for free. There is no need for one to leave their house or to leave their current location. Information In addition to this, it is also a lot easier for one to get hold of information without having to give anything in return. One only needs to type in what they are looking for into a search engine and they will be given the ’answers’. In one had a question in the past, they would have had to have gone to a library or to speak to someone in person. Yet, if one doesn’t just want to find about one thing and wants to gain a deeper understanding of a certain area or a number of areas, they can still use the internet. A Deeper Understanding One could be in a position where they are unable to go to college or to university and while this may have been an issue in the past, it no longer has to be. If one has the desire and the commitment to learn, they can educate themselves without having to give anything in return. There will be certain things that one can’t learn online, such as how to be doctor or a nurse, but there are plenty of things they can learn. This wouldn’t have been possible in the past when information wasn’t as accessible. Normal When it comes to someone who has grown up with the internet, this will be how it has always been for them. But if one was around before the internet was available, they will have an understanding of what it was like before. As they had to pay for these things in the past, they might feel grateful for how things are. Whereas, if one has always had the internet, they might not have the same level of gratitude. Different Factors However, just because someone has grown up with the internet, it doesn’t mean they take it for granted. They may be only too aware of how things were before and this could make them realise how fortunate they are. If one had to pay for these things in the past, they might end up believing that they were taken advantage of. The fact they are getting them for free now is then not something they should feel grateful for, as they are merely getting what they have always deserved. The Illusion What this shows is that it is not black and white, and that the outlook one has will not just depend on whether one was around before the internet was available or if they have always had the internet. Yet, although one can believe that the internet is a place where they can get free things, what they are getting had to be created. What this means is that someone or a group of people have come together to create what is available. Work If it wasn’t for the work that these people have put in, there wouldn’t be anything on the internet. However, after going online and searching for something, it is easy to believe that it has just appeared out of nowhere. This means that it is because of what their fellow human beings are doing that they are able to find what they are looking for and not because of what a machine is creating. Therefore, these people also have their own needs and as they live on this planet, they also need money to survive. Entitled Yet, if one is out of touch with the fact that everything they see had to be created by someone and believes it just appeared, they can end up believing that they are entitled to have whatever is available. The internet is then the parent and the person who uses the internet is the child who deserves to have whatever they want. Although one was entitled to get their needs met as a child, they are not entitled to have everything they want as an adult. As an adult, it is not just about taking; it is also about giving. Give and Take If one wants to have something, it will be important for them to work for it and to earn their right to have it. There will be times when one can have what they want without having to give anything in return, but this doesn’t mean they no longer have to give anything. One of the ways that the film industry has tried to put an end to the entitlement mentality is to charge people for the films that they stream online. It was thought that as these companies earned so much it wouldn’t matter if people didn’t pay, but they can only make films for as long as they are able to make money and the same applies to the music industry. Conclusion The internet has also made it easier for someone to have what they want, when they want it. It is then not just about one expecting something for nothing; it is also about them expecting it straight away. There will be times when it will be possible for someone to have what they want straight away; just as there will be times when one will be able to have something without having to give something in return. What matters is that one realises that nothing is free and that what they are reading, watching or listening to, had to be created by someone. With this in mind, one is likely to view the internet differently. If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article, as many others have. Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk/ If one wants to buy a new car, it could be because their old car is no longer drivable or it could be because it no longer fits their requirements. And once a decision has been made, they are unlikely to use their old car again. One could go back on their decision and keep their old car, but this would only create problems. If the car is no longer usable and one tries to drive it, they could be putting their life at risk. Just as if one was to drive a car that is no longer appropriate it could also cause them problems. In this case, their life might not be at risk, but the car might be too small for their family or it might be too expensive for them to run. The Ideal However, no matter what one’s reason is for wanting to get a different car, it will be important for them to follow through and let go of their old car. And although one might feel emotionally attached to their car, this attachment is unlikely to hold them back. Their head is likely to rule their heart in this instance and this will allow them to do what is right. If, on the other hand, their heart ruled their head, it would be a lot harder for them to let go. Another Human Being When it relates to another human being, it can be a lot harder for one to do the right thing. After taking the first step and leaving a relationship, they might soon find that they are back where they were before. How they felt in the relationship was enough to make them leave, but it hasn’t been enough to keep them away. When this happens, it could be said that one’s heart is ruling their head. The Reason One may have walked away from the relationship because it was abusive, but it might have been for a different reason. Perhaps one is no longer the person they were before and this has caused them to feel disconnected from the other person. It if was due to abuse, there would have been a clear reason why they had to leave and one may have had the support of their friends and family. But when it comes to someone who didn’t abuse them, their relationship may have looked fine and this could mean that other people questioned their reasons for leaving. Going Back However, regardless of how other people saw things and whether they were supportive or not, one would have listened to themselves. However, even though one did listen to themselves for a short time, as time passed, this was longer the case. Their time away from the other person may have lasted for a matter days, weeks or even months, but the outcome was the same. Therefore, it won’t matter how long one managed to listen to themselves, as they have ended up going back to the person they wanted to leave. Relief When one is back with the other person, it might give them a sense of relief (at least for a short time). Yet, as one didn’t want to go back to the other person, this might be hard for them to comprehend. On one onside, they want to get away from them, but on the other, they feel a sense of comfort. What is taking place externally may have played a part in why they have returned, but it won’t be the only reason. Self-talk When one is back with the other person, they might start to put themselves down. This will mean that not only are they with someone they don’t want to be with, they are also their own worst enemy. What is taking place in their head could end up being supported by the people around them. They might wonder why one has gone back to the same person and if they have left them before, it might not be the first time they have heard this. Abandoned When one leaves the relationship, they may end up feeling as though they have been abandoned. And due to how overwhelming this feeling is, it won’t matter why they left the relationship in the first place. Once they are back with the other person, they will no longer feel the same and as time passes, they might start to wonder why they are with them. When one gets to the point where they no longer feel abandoned, they might end up leaving the other person again. Round in Circles This could be a scenario that plays out for quite some time; unless one decides to do something else. In order for them to change their behaviour, they will need to change how they feel. If one believes that their feelings are being caused by their thoughts, they will end up focusing on what is taking place in their mind. Yet, if one feels abandoned when they leave a relationship, it is likely to relate to what is taking place in their body and not their mind. The Body What is taking place in their mind may trigger how they feel, but it won’t cause how they feel. These feelings are likely to relate to what took place during their childhood. To be left at this age would have felt like the end of the world and this is because one didn’t have the ability to regulate how they feel. Not only that, this may have taken place before one had developed the ability to think. The Past Remains As the emotional experiences of the past have remained within their body, it won’t matter whether one remembers what took place or not. And unless this emotional baggage is released, one will continue to behave in the same way. Awareness When it comes to changing what is taking place in the mind, it is all about force and action, but the same approach won’t work when it comes to the emotional body. One won’t need to use force or anything else to change how they feel; they will simply need to surrender. This means that one will need to face what is within them and to allow themselves to grieve their unmet childhood needs. The assistance of a therapist, healer and/or a support group may be needed here. If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article, as many others have. Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk/ |
Oliver JR CooperAuthor of 26 books, Transformational Writer, Teacher & Consultant. Introductory Consultation
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Disclaimer
That which is contained within these articles is based on my own empirical understanding and is true for me at the time they were written. However, as I continue to grow, what I perceive as the truth will inevitably change and as a result of this - parts of these articles may not reflect my current outlook.
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