If one was to watch athletics on TV or at a stadium, they would soon see that not everyone is on the same level. Within each race, there will be some athletes who are at the front and there will be others who nowhere near the front. In this instance, it is clear that some of the athletes are better than others. One is not being ‘politically incorrect’ by saying this; they are making a simple observation. Very few athletes break records or win medals and even if they do win a medal at one event, it doesn’t mean they will go on to win anymore. Human Beings So although each athlete that participates is a human being, if one only focused on their performance and ignored their appearance, it might be hard for them to see how they are all from the same planet. It could be said that this is because some people are born this way and/or it could be put down to how hard they train. However, even though some athletes are better than others, it doesn’t mean that they are inherently better. At the end of the day, they are human beings who have come into the world in the same way and who will go out of the world in the same way. Everyday Life Yet, one doesn’t need to watch athletics in order to see that human beings are not always the same when it comes to what they can and can’t do. When one has the ability to do something in a way that others can’t, it can cause them to believe they are superior. Having said that, even if one doesn’t have certain ability or talent, it doesn’t mean they won’t have the same outlook. What they can or can’t do is then irrelevant; as one is above others and that’s all there is to it. Outlook Based on their outlook, they have something that other people don’t have, or what very few people have. The people they associate with could also have the same outlook or they might spend their time around people who are ‘below’ them. If one was to spend their time people who are think they are better than others, it might support what they think, but there is also the chance that this could make them feel uncomfortable. It could all depend on how convinced they are of their superiority and how they feel in any given moment. Behaviour This could cause them to come across as arrogant or they could come across in such a way that people actually believe they are better than others. One reason why people would believe this is because of what they have achieved. Through other people putting them on a pedestal, it reinforces their sense of superiority. When one has this outlook, they are going to want to block out anything that could invalidate how they see themselves. Society One’s sense of superiority may also be something that is supported by the society they live in. This could relate to what they look like, their career, their level of education and/or who their parents are. If one looks a certain way, they can end up believing they are better than others form a very early age. The reason they would believe this is because they are likely to be treated differently. As to whether they get caught up in this might all depend on the guidance they receive from their caregivers. Down To Earth But while there will be people who think they are better than other people because of these factors and many others, there will also be people who are still in touch with their humanity. In this case, it won’t matter what they look like or what they have achieved. When someone acts as if they are better than others, it shows that they are out of touch with their emotions. This is because when one is in touch with how they feel, it will be a lot harder for them to act as if they are better than others. One of the emotions that keep human beings in check is shame. Two Types Through having the ability to experience shame, one will realise that they are simply human; they are not above others and neither are they below them. When one doesn’t have the ability to experience shame, it can cause them to disconnect from what makes them human. This is something that can take place when one has experienced what is often called toxic shame. Toxic shame will cause one to feel as though they deeply flawed and as though they are less-than human. Unbearable Healthy shame will cause one to feel bad, but they won’t feel as though they are inherently bad and as time passes, the experience they are having is likely to pass. Yet, when it comes to toxic shame, one will believe that there is nothing they can do about what is taking place within them and the experience will stay with them. It won’t be just a feeling or something they believe, it will be who they are. And due to how unbearable it will be, it will be normal for one to disconnect from the experience and to go from one extreme to another. Above Others This will mean that not only will one be out of touch with their toxic shame; they will also be out of touch with their healthy shame. It will then be normal for them to believe that they are better than others. If they were to let go of this outlook, they would have to face what is within them and this would be overwhelming. When one thinks they are better than others, they are protecting themselves from what is taking place at a deeper level. Awareness Toxic shame can appear as a result of some kind of abuse and while it could relate to what has happened in one’s adult years, it could also be the result of what happened during their childhood. If one wants to come back down to earth and to realise they are only human, it will be important for them to reach out for support. The external support will provide one with the acceptance that they need in order to let go of their toxic shame. This will allow them to realise that they are not inherently flawed. Another important part will be for one to grieve their unmet childhood needs. This support can come from a therapist, healer, support group and/or a trusted friend. If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article, as many others have. Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk/
0 Comments
If someone was well-known in the past, it may have been because they had achieved something significant or it may have been the result of a crime they had committed. In today’s world, this has all changed and one no longer needs to have done either. This was something Andy Warhol alluded to in 1968 when he said: ‘’In the future, everyone will be world-famous for 15 minutes.’’ While he didn’t say how this would take place, the fact that everyone would be world-famous for 15 minutes created the impression that it would be a lot easier. So while it may have been a mystery as to how this would happen all those years ago, it is no longer a mystery. One of the primary reasons why it is a lot easier to be famous is due to the internet. Exposure If one lived in the middle of nowhere and there was no one around to notice what they were doing, there wouldn’t be much chance of them becoming famous. It won’t matter whether they are doing something very few people can do or if they are committing a crime. This is not to say it will always be this way; as there could come a time where someone finds out about what is taking place and shares it with other people. But for as long as things stay the same, one’s status in the world won’t change. The Internet However, when it comes to the internet, one can be in the middle of nowhere and it still won’t matter. Ultimately, it won’t matter where in the world they are as the internet will give them the exposure they need. One no longer needs to be in the paper or on TV and this means they have far more control. This could mean that one has their 15 minutes of fame, or it could be something that lasts a lot longer. Intention While one may have had the intention to be famous, it could also be something that occurs indirectly. It is then not that they had the need to be known by others, but that it was simply a by-product of what they were doing. If one had the intention to be famous, it may mean that they are not making a significant contribution to the world. Whereas, if one didn’t have the need to famous, it could mean that they are making a difference. Contribution However, even though one’s intention was to be famous, it doesn’t mean they are not having a positive effect on others. Their need to be famous is then being balanced out by the effect they are having in other people’s lives. Yet, due to how easy it is to be famous in today’s world, it has made it easier for someone to be famous for no apparent reason. The position they are in is therefore not the result of a crime they have committed and neither is it the result of something they have contributed to the world. Two Parts While it would be easy to focus on the people who are famous for no apparent reason, if it wasn’t for the people who support them, they wouldn’t be where they are. What this shows is that it is not just about the people who are famous; it is also about the people who elevated them in the first place and the ones who are allowing them to maintain their current position. One reason why they are supporting them could be because they are receiving the kind of attention they desire. One has then identified with them and it won’t matter what the other person is doing; as the fact they are in the limelight is more than enough. Neglect This could mean that one feels ignored and as though they are not receiving the kind of attention that they need. Being famous is then seen as the answer to their problems and as something that will allow them to feel important. But as people are connected in more ways than they were before, it might be hard to comprehend why someone would feel this way. Yet, talking to someone over a screen is not the same as talking to them in person. Another Factor One may have started to feel ignored as an adult or they may have felt this way since their childhood. This could have been a time where one’s developmental needs were rarely, if ever, met. And although it is not possible for one to have these unmet childhood needs met as an adult, it doesn’t mean they won’t try to have them met. One approach is for one to do everything they can do be famous and for them to fulfil these needs through the attention they receive from strangers. The Illusion The pain that has been created through being ignored will give them the motivation they need to do everything they can to be famous. They might believe that this will enable them to feel important and for them to put their past behind them. But while they will receive attention, it won’t always be the kind of attention that they want to receive and it won’t change how they feel at a deeper level. What it may do is push how they feel out of their awareness, but it won’t do much else. What Goes Up Must Come Down If one is unable to maintain the level of fame that they desire, they will soon return to how they felt before. And even if they are able to maintain the position they have attained, there will come a time when it will all come to an end. This will mean that all the feelings they have tried to run away from by being famous will return. One will also have to come to terms with the fact that the approval they receive from others is not unconditional (which is what they are looking for); it will continue for as long as one plays a certain role or until someone else comes along. Conclusion If one wants to let go of the need to be famous, they will need to grieve their unmet childhood needs and to be affirmed for who they are. It will also be important for them to develop relationships that are affirming. One’s unmet childhood needs can grieved with the assistance of a therapist, healer and/or a support group and they can also be affirmed through this process. As these unmet childhood needs are grieved, one will start to feel different and the people they attract will also change. If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article, as many others have. Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk/ When one thinks about what it means to love someone or for someone else to love them, they are likely to have an idea in mind. This idea could also be backed up by a certain feeling or a combination of feelings. What it means to one person is not necessarily going to be the same as what it means for someone else. Now this could be because one person has an outlook that is different, or it could be that one person’s outlook is healthy and the other person’s outlook isn’t. Give And Take If one has a healthy outlook of what love is they are going to realise that it is partly about sharing and receiving. This doesn’t mean that one will give and then they will receive straight away; as this not how it always works. However, if one was to always give or to always receive and didn’t return the favour, it would be a clear sign that something isn’t right. In each moment, there may be differences when it comes to whether each person gives or takes, but these differences should balance out as time passes. Conflict Yet, just because one has a healthy outlook of what love is, it doesn’t mean that this is what they experience. There is then what is taking place in their mind, and there is what is taking place externally. When this takes happens, it is not uncommon for one to come to the conclusion that they are unlucky or even a victim of circumstances. This would mean that one is blaming the external world for what is occurring in their life. Another approach would be for them to put themselves down and to act as if there is something inherently wrong with them. In this case, they are the ones with the problem and not others. One could also alternate between the two options. The Hidden Influence If the outlook that one has is mirrored back to them through the relationships that they have, they won’t be experiencing conflict. At the same time, this doesn’t mean their life has always been this way; as they might have experienced conflict in the past. When one is unable to fulfil the outlook that they have in their mind, it could be because of what is taking place in their body. The words ‘could be’ are used as one’s outlook might not be realistic, and this is why they are unable to fulfil the outlook in their mind. The Body However, with that aside, what is taking place in their body will play a big role when it comes to whether they can fulfil what is taking place in their mind. If one’s body only feels safe when they are giving, it will make it hard for them to attract people who are willing to give to them. Just as if one only feels safe when they are receiving it will make it hard for them to give to others. So whether one identifies with the former or the latter or alternatives between the two, it will still make it hard for them to experience love in a balanced. The Giver One could be in a position where they are attracted to people who need them. This means that one will fulfil the other person’s needs and their needs will end up being ignored. The other person might come across as needy and they might always need to be rescued from something or someone. Either way, one will end up feeling more like the other person’s parent than their partner and it will have a negative effect on their relationship. The Taker The other option is for one to be attracted to someone because they need them. In this case, they will only care about getting their own needs met and not on meeting the other persons needs. Due to how they come across, the other person may be only too happy to be there for them and to not expect anything in return. And as one is acting like a child that needs to be looked after, it will lead to a relationship that is out of balance. A Deeper Look Although each person is playing a role that is stopping them from having a fulfilling relationship, it is going to be what feels safe at a deeper level. If they were to change their behaviour, there is the chance that they would feel uncomfortable. The role that each person is playing as an adult is likely to be the same role they played as a child. And as one still feels the same, they are going to continue to behave in the same way and to attract people who allow them to replay their childhood all over again. Childhood One may have had to look after their caregivers and this would have meant that their needs were generally ignored. The connection that they had to their caregiver’s was not based on live; it was based on them fulfilling their caregiver’s needs. This then sets one up to associate love with need and if they go against this, it is likely to trigger the feeling of being abandoned. To be abandoned at this age would have caused one to feel as though they were going to die. The Other Experience When one is unable to give and is only focused on receiving, they may have had caregivers who neglected them in another way. They were still fulfilling their caregiver’s needs, but instead of them having to act like mini adults, they were made to feel special. Their true-self would have remained undeveloped and they wouldn’t have received the care that they needed in order grow up. The fear of being abandoned is likely to exist, but this is likely to be covered up by the fear of being smothered. Awareness If one is out of balance and is unable to receive or to give, it will be a sign that they have work to do on themselves. When it comes to moving forward, one of the things that one will need to do is to grieve their unmet childhood needs. This can take place through the assistance of a therapist, healer and/or a support group. If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article, as many others have. Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk/ When someone experiences something, there is likely to be what is going on in their mind and what is occurring in their body. And if one is unable to experience both sides, it might make it harder for them embrace what is taking place and it may cause them to come across as being out of balance. If one was out of touch with their feelings, for instance, it might make it easier for them to handle what happens. However, there is also the chance that it will make it harder for them to enjoy what happens. One may enjoy the experience more if they lost the ability to think and ended up being caught up in their emotions. Yet, there is also the chance that this would stop them from being able to act in the right way. The Experience What it can all depend on is the kind of experience that one is having; as although it might be something they can enjoy, it might not be. But just because it could be an experience that one may or may not enjoy, it doesn’t mean that they have to ignore part of themselves. Ideally, one will be in touch with what is taking in their head and what is taking place in their body. This will mean that one can still experience their emotions and they can still think if they need to. Three Options There will be some people who are in touch with both sides and then there will be other people who are only in touch with one side. The first person is in balance and the other two are out of balance. One can then come across as being in touch with their emotions, or they can come across as being out of touch with their emotions. The first person will then appear to be identified with their emotional body and the second person seems to be identified with their mind. Appearances However, while there will be some people who are only in touch with one side; there will be others who only appear this way. The impression other people have of them is therefore, inaccurate and doesn’t match up with their true nature. Although one may come across as though they don’t think, this could be something that only takes place when they are around others. And when one comes across as though they don’t feel, it could also be something that only happens when they are around others. Survival If they change when they are by themselves or when they are around certain people, it shows that it all depends on whether they feel safe or not. In order for one to embrace both sides, they will need to feel that it is safe for them to do so. During the moments when one doesn’t feel safe, they could end up being emotional and act as if they are out of control, or they could hide how they feel and act as if they are in complete control. Emotionally Expressive When one shows how they feel, it will be easier for people to know where they stand and to feel connected to them. It will be a lot harder for this to occur when one hides how they feel. This will also set one up to repress how they feel and for their emotions to build up within them. So as one will not allow other people to know how they feel, it will make it harder for them to understand them. Cut-Off Not only will one be cut off from how they feel, they will also feel cut-off from others. This is because one’s feelings allow them to feel connected to themselves and they allow them to feel connected to others. Yet, there is a big different between being emotionally out of control, and being in touch with one’s emotions. When one feels out of control, it shows they are unable to contain how they feel. Emotional Containment But when one can embrace how they feel, without needing to react or to deny how they feel, it will show that they can contain their emotions. They have the ability to be with their emotions and this stows that they feel that it is safe for them to do so. When one is unable to contain how they feel and ends up covering up what is taking place within them, it shows that they don’t feel strong enough or safe enough to embrace how they feel. What feels safe is hiding how they feel and this is going to create problems. The Reason One will have the need to express how they feel, but something is getting in the way of that need. This could be because one fears that they will be abandoned if they show other people how they feel. However, as one is no longer a dependent child, it might be hard for them to understand why they feel this way. What this will show is that although they look different, they still feel the same as they did as a child. Childhood During these early years, their needs would have been neglected and this would have meant that they were abandoned. To be abandoned at this age would have caused one to feel as though they were going to die and this is because they didn’t have the ability to regulate their emotions. The emotional experiences of the past will have remained with them and one will end up doing everything they can to stop these feelings from coming to the surface. It won’t matter if one has friends who won’t leave them or if they meet someone who is the same, as they will project their past onto them and this will stop them from being able to live in the moment. Awareness In order for one to feel comfortable showing how they feel and to no longer experience life as they did as a child, it will be important for them to process their pain. This can take place through one grieving their unmet childhood needs. The assistance of a therapist, healer and/or a support group may be needed. If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article, as many others have. Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk/ While someone can have relationships that they want to be in, they can also have relationships that they don’t want to be in. This doesn’t mean that one will no longer spend time with these people though; as they might still spend time with them. In this case, one is not going to be listening to how they feel; they are going to be ignoring how they feel. How this affects their life can depend on what the relationship is like and/or how often they see the other person. The Type If one was to have a friend or a number of friends who were not right for them, it might not have the same effect as it would if their partner was not right for them. This is because one usually spends more time with their partner than they do with their friends. However, it could all depend on the kind of influence that a friend is having on their life. If they are having a negative influence on their life, it might not matter how time they spend with them. Primary Relationship When it does relate to the person who one is in an intimate relationship with, they are not going to have as much time away from them. In most cases, one will live with the person and this is generally going to mean that they will see them every day. The other person will be a big part of their life and it won’t be as easy for them to get away. There may be times when their partner is away or at work, but other than that, they will be there. Half and Half One might find that they no longer want to be around the other person or they could find that they are unable to decide what they want. This could mean that the other person has moments where they act in a certain way and moments when they act in another way. It then might not matter how bad their behaviour is as one is focused on what they do that is good and does their best to block out what isn’t. Due to the other person’s behaviour, one might know where they stand. Up And Down Their relationship is not going to allow them to experience emotionally stability; it is going to create emotionally instability. This may be something that took place from the moment they met the other, or it may have appeared as time went by. Yet, even though their relationship may have moments where they feel respected, if it is mixed with moments where they feel disrespected, it is not going to be good for them. This will be a clear sign that one needs to speak up or to walk away from the other person. Another Experience For some people, this kind of scenario might not be something they can relate to and this is because they don’t put up with bad behaviour. If they were to come across someone who acts in a way that is harmful they would simply walk away. Yet, if there was a time when they were in the same position, they might be able to emphasise with what they are going through. This is likely to mean that they will offer their support as opposed to telling the other person to ‘just leave’ or to simply ‘walk away’. Abuse The reason one wants to leave the other person could be because they are abusive. This could mean that the other person tries to control them through their words and actions. Being with the other person is not allowing one to be themselves and to grow; it is destroying them. In their mind, they might wonder why they can’t walk away and this outlook is likely to be backed up by the people they know. Grown Apart Yet, just because one wants to leave the person they are with, it doesn’t necessarily mean that it’s because they are abusive. At one point in time they may have been on the same page, but as time has passed, this is no longer the case. All the time one stays with the other person, it is stopping them from being able to embrace who they have become. As the other person is not abusive, it could cause the people around them to question why they want to leave them Conflict On one side, one wants to leave the other person (for whatever reason) and on the other, they are unable to follow through. When they think about leaving the other person, they will end up feeling incredibly uncomfortable. If one is in touch with their emotions, they might find out that they fear being abandoned. But if they are not aware of their emotions, they could just experience fear and that’s as far as it goes. Dependent Child When one fears being abandoned, they won’t feel like an interdependent adult; they will feel like a dependent child. At an emotional level, they will feel as though they need the other person in order to survive. Many years will have passed since they were a child, and this will be known through their appearance, but they are still unable to feel like an adult. Their behaviour is being defined by how they felt as a child. Emotionally Stuck One approach would be for one to look at what is taking place in their mind; this would involve changing one’s thoughts and beliefs. However, the reason one fears being abandoned could come down to the fact they were abandoned during their childhood. What this means is that it is not about what is going on in their mind - it is about what is taking place in their body. How they felt when they were abandoned during these early years has stayed trapped within their body. And as one didn’t have the ability to regulate their emotions during these early years or to think about what was happening, it would have felt like the end of the world Awareness In order for one to let go of this fear and feeling of being abandoned, they will need to face the pain that has stayed trapped within their emotional body. This will take place through one grieving their unmet childhood needs. If one has been avoiding how they feel, it could mean that they need to seek the assistance of a therapist or a healer. Through their support, one will be able to gradually get in touch with how they feel and to grieve their unmet childhood needs. If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article, as many others have. Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk/ There will be times when one will want to spend time by themselves and there will be times when they want to be around others. This is not to say that one will spend the same amount of time with others as they will by themselves; as it is not black and white. How one spends their time will depend on a number of factors and this means there is no such thing as the ‘right approach’. However, as one is a ‘social animal’, it will be important for them to spend time with others. Two Extremes And as one is an individual, it will be important for them to spend time by themselves. If one only spent their time around others and didn’t take the time to be in their own company, there is the chance that they would end up being out of touch with who they are. Yet, if one was to always be by themselves and didn’t spend time with others, they would also end up losing themselves. This is because it is the mirroring of others that enables one to have a sense of self. Two Experiences Therefore, each experience plays a vital role in one not only being in touch with who they are, but for who they are to exist. What is taking place internally is affected by what is taking place externally and vice versa. It is often said that there is nothing new under the sun and this means that one can’t create anything new. However, what they can do is create something that is reflection of their own experience on this planet. Creativity Having the ability to create something different is often the result of one being in touch with themselves. This is likely to mean that they will have spent time on their own. If one hadn’t of spent time by themselves and only stayed around other people, their chances of creating something different is likely to decrease. This is partly because one is not taking the time to tune into what is taking place within them. Cut-Off Instead, one will be caught up in what others are doing and this is will have an impact on what they create. There is a strong chance that what they share with the world will not stand out. One is not utilising their ability to think for themselves; they are going with what other people are doing. And if one is unaware of what is taking place within them, it will mean that they are focused on what is taking place without. Example When one watches a film, they are usually absorbed in the film and it is only after the film has finished that they will start to think about the film. If, on the other hand, the film didn’t finish, one wouldn’t get the chance to really think about what it was all about. During the time when one is around others, they are going to be picking up what is going on around them. This will make it harder for one to listen to themselves and to reflect on what is taking place within them. Disconnected Through breaking away from others, one will find out who they are and it will give them the chance to find out what they can contribute to the world, for instance. However, if one only spent time by themselves, they would be like plant that has been put into dark room. The people one spends their time with and the situations they find themselves in will also play a part in what one contributes to the world. If one was given a piece of paper and told to copy something, they won’t need to be creative. A Bit of Both Yet, if one was given a piece of paper and instead of being told what to draw they were allowed to come up with their own idea, there would be a different outcome. Although one can come up with their own idea, this wouldn’t have taken place if they weren’t given the directions to begin with. This shows that each side complements the other and this is why they are both important. When it comes to how long someone should spend by themselves or with others, it can all depend on what they are like and is taking place in their life. Differences Some people are more sensitive than others, and this can mean that they need to spend more time by themselves. This could be due to the kind of childhood they had or it might just be how they are. Another reason why one can spend more time by themselves is because they have experienced some kind of loss. This may relate to a recent loss or to something that happened a number of years ago. Isolation One can then lose interest and no longer want go out or to do the things they used to do. It is also a way for them to keep the pain that is within them at bay. As a result of how they feel, one is not going to feel the need to reach out to others. This doesn’t mean that this need has disappeared; it means that it is being covered up by what is taking place within them. Grief If one has only just started to isolate themselves, they might soon realise why this has taken place. It could relate to a recent loss or it may mean that an old loss has been triggered. In this case, it will show that one has carried the grief within them and until they are able to grieve, they will continue to isolate themselves. This doesn’t mean that one should force themselves to be around others though; as it will be normal for them to want to be by themselves during this time. Awareness If one feels as though they are stuck, it will be important for them to reach out for support. This is not a linear process and there are likely to be moments where one feels as though they are not moving forward. However, it will be important for one to keep going and not give up. The assistance of a therapist, healer and/or a support group may be needed. If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article, as many others have. Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk/ |
Oliver JR CooperAuthor of 26 books, Transformational Writer, Teacher & Consultant. Introductory Consultation
To book your 15-Minute Introductory Consultation, click here.
Disclaimer
That which is contained within these articles is based on my own empirical understanding and is true for me at the time they were written. However, as I continue to grow, what I perceive as the truth will inevitably change and as a result of this - parts of these articles may not reflect my current outlook.
My Books...
|