While there are some people who are seen as being successful, there are others who are not. And when it comes to how someone is seen by others, it can all depend on what these people value.
One Outlook If someone has a lot of money and/or if they have reached a certain level in their career, they can be seen as being successful. It can then be completely irrelevant as to what else is taking place in their life. As this area (or both of these areas) is going in the right direction, it will be as if they have ‘made it’. What this comes down to is that having a successful career and a lot of money is something that a lot of people value. The Right Career Even so, this is not to say that someone will be seen as being successful no matter what they do. As if they are successful in their career, but this is a career that is generally not held in high esteem, it doesn’t mean that they will be seen as someone who is successful by others. Naturally, there will be some people out there who will be able to recognise how well they are doing. On the other hand, if they did something that was held in high esteem, they would have a radically different experience. Overlooked And as so many people have this outlook, it can mean that a lot of people can feel as though they are not successful if they don’t experience life it his way. So, regardless of how hard they have worked and how far they have come, it can seem as though they are not at the same level as other people who are successful. Yet, if they are doing something that is very fulfilling, there is going to be no reason for them to spend too much time thinking about what other people are doing. But when someone is not doing something that is fulfilling, it is going to be a lot harder for them to do this. Time For A change In this case, what they are doing is not going to fulfil them, and they won’t receive a lot of approval from other people either. There could then be moments when they think about changing their career, and doing something that will allow them to receive a lot of approval from others. The trouble with this is that even if one was to change their career and to get approval form others, it is unlikely to lead to a fulfilling existence. After a while, they could soon find that even though people respond to them differently, it doesn’t fulfil their true needs. Another Scenario And when someone isn’t seen as being successful, it can also come down to the fact that they are not doing anything with their life. It is then not that they are doing something that a lot of people don’t value; it is that they are not anything. Alternatively, it can mean that one is gradually building something up, and it can then only be a matter of time before they are seen as successful. This could be what drives them, or it could be the last thing on their mind. The Journey As they are doing something that is alignment with their true needs, it will be a lot easier for them to enjoy what they have to do in order to get to where they want to be. Each day of their life is not going to be seen as a means to an end, it will be seen as an end per se. Through being this way, it will allow them to embrace the present moment, as opposed to being a slave to what they believe will happen in the future. And as time is their most important asset, it could be said that this will be a good approach to have. Feedback When someone reaches a certain level of success, it can cause them to stand out from others. This is then going to mean that they will hear things from others that are positive and they can hear things that are negative. What can play a part here is the amount of exposure they receive, and this can all depend on what they do. For example, if someone is in the public eye, there is a strong chance that a lot of people will have something to say about them. One Outcome When someone says good things about them, it can show that they admire them; perhaps they would like to experience life in the same way. In their eyes, they will have made it, and it is then going to be normal for them to elevate them. One can be inspired by what they have archived, and this will give them the motivation to work hard. Or, it could show that one is also successful, and they might simply value what they have achieved. Another Outcome If this doesn’t take place, and someone only has bad things to say about them, it can be a sign that they are envious of their success. This person will remind them of the fact that they are not happy with their own life. Nevertheless, this doesn’t mean that they will realise this, as they could be completely out of touch with what is taking place within them. If they are this way, they will continue to judge the person who is successful, and their life is unlikely to improve. Awareness This person will be reflecting back to them what they are not willing to acknowledge within themselves. Therefore, what is taking place externally is not causing them to feel as they do. The only thing it is doing is triggering what is already within them, and if they pay attention to their inner world, it will give them the chance to change their life. If one can relate to this, and they want to change their circumstances, they may need to work with a therapist.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
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In order for one to be themselves, it will be necessary for them to feel confident enough to do so. Therefore, if this is not in place, it is not going to be possible for one to express their true-self.
One way of looking at it would be to say that one’s true-self is the top of a table, and the confidence they have to express this part of them is the legs that support it. So, in the same way that one wouldn’t be able to be themselves if they didn’t feel confident; the table wouldn’t be able to be used without the legs. A Waste of Time As a result of this, it is easy to see why telling someone to just ‘be themselves’ is not always going to work. If one was to hear this and they didn’t feel confident, it could end up bouncing straight off them. One is not going to be able to follow this advice unless they start to feel different about themselves. Yet, if the other person doesn’t realise this, they could wonder what the problem is. A Lack of Empathy This could be someone who has been able to be themselves for as long as they can remember. And as this is what is normal for them, they are unable to put themselves in another person’s shoes, so to speak. Through being this way, one is unlikely to feel as though this is someone who understands what they are going through. If anything, one could feel as though this person is trying to undermine them. Hidden One is then going to be someone who comes across as having no confidence and their true-self will be covered up. They are then going to be used to doing what other people want, and this means that their needs are generally going to be overlooked. Other people could typically describe them as being shy or reserved, and they might even see them as being an introvert. There is then a strong chance that one will be a follower, as opposed to a leader. An Empty Existence Through doing what other people want and not having the ability to do what they want, their life is unlikely to be very fulfilling. They could be used to feeling frustrated, powerless and helpless. One could feel as though they are on the sidelines, watching other people live the kind of life that they want to live. And while one could have people around them who understand what is taking place, they could also be surrounded by people who don’t. Trapped What this will then do is stop one from getting the support that they need, and they could feel as though these people hold them back. This is because they won’t be able to see them for who they are. There is the chance these people are also out of touch with themselves, and this is why they are not aware of what is taking place. Nevertheless, if one doesn’t reveal their true-self, it is to be expected that they will be treated in this way. Another Dynamic However, if one doesn’t feel comfortable enough to reveal their true-self, it doesn’t mean that they will come across in this way. Instead, one can end up coming across as someone who has it all together. Yet as they don’t feel comfortable enough to be themselves, it can be hard to believe how they can come across in this way. As due to how they feel, there is going to be no reason for them to be this way. A Role What this is likely to come down to is that one will be putting on an act, and this act will allow them to receive approval from others. Through receiving this approval, it will allow them to come across as confident. At a deeper level, they are going to be the same as the person above, but that’s the only thing they will have in common. Through developing a false-self that allows them to be accepted by others, it stops them from having to face how they feel. Two Sides So on one side, this will allow them to fit in, but on the other, it is still going to stop them from being able to listen to themselves. From the outside, it can seem as though they live life on their own terms, but this will be nothing more than an illusion. Ergo, if other people no longer responded to them in the same way, they would soon end up falling down. It will be as if they were being pumped up by other people responses, and now these responses are no longer there, they will have deflated. A Different Experience If, on the other hand, they were in touch with their true-self and they felt comfortable expressing this part of themselves, this wouldn’t take place. How they come across towards others wouldn’t be an act. It would be built on firm foundations, and they wouldn’t need other people to approve of them. The strength they have to be themselves would come from within, and there would be no reason for them to hide. A Closer Look What can define whether someone feels comfortable enough to be themselves or not can be what took place during their early years. If this was a time when their needs were generally met, there can be no reason for them to hide their true-self. Yet, if this was a time when they were abused and/or neglected, it can cause them to feel ashamed of themselves. Their true self is then not going to be something they can’t accept; it will be something they have to hide at all costs. Awareness As if they were to reveal themselves, it would be seem as something that would cause other people to reject and/or abandon them, and they might even believe that they would be harmed. What this shows is how much of an effect one’s childhood can have on their adult years. If one finds it difficult to be themselves, they might need to work with a therapist. This will give them the chance to look into what it taking place within them and to move forward.
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When it comes to how one sees themselves, it could be said that the ideal will be for them to have a positive self-image. If this is in place, it is naturally going to be a lot easier for them to feel good about themselves.
Another Experience Yet, although this is going to be the ideal, not everyone is going to experience life in this way. There are going to be plenty of people who find it incredibly difficult to feel good about themselves. And if they were to feel better, this could be something that doesn’t last for very long. There is also the chance that this will cause them to feel even worse, and so they might prefer to avoid things that will have a positive effect on them. The Contrast What this comes down to is that when one feels low, this will be something they are used to; it will be painful, but it will be what is familiar. However, when one is able to feel better, it will be a lot harder for them to handle how they usually feel. One will have had a taste of how different their life can be, and it will be only too clear how bad they usually feel. So even though this will feel good, it will cause then to experience even more pain. Avoidance As a result of this, one can end up doing everything they can to make sure that they don’t come into contact with anything that will alter their emotional state. Now, this is not to say that this is something that will take place consciously. Instead, this is something that can take place unconsciously, and this means that they won’t even need to think about it. This will stop them from feeling better, but it will also stop them from feeling even worse. Other People When it comes to the people they spend time with, they could also have a similar emotional state. Therefore, how one comes across is not going to stand out, and they won’t need to put on an act. At the same time, one may find that there are moments when they spend time with people who are the complete opposite. What this could show is that these are people who have a positive self-image, and this is why they are able to act as they do. Another Area As one sees themselves in this way, it might not have been possible for them to get very far when it comes to their career. They might have a job that is far from fulfilling; with this being something that they would happily walk away from. But although they would like to do this, they could believe that they don’t deserve to do anything else. And so if they were to walk away from what they do, it could be seen as something that would cause them to do something that is just as bad. Restricted Based on this, one is not exactly going to see themselves as someone who has the ability to live a fulfilling life. The only option they will have is to settle for how their life is, and to watch other people enjoy themselves. What this shows is that one will have embraced how they feel about themselves, and in general, they won’t try to resist it. But while this is what they will have done, there will be others who have responded differently. Rising Up When this takes place, one won’t have embraced how they feel; they will have disconnected from it. What this is then going to mean is that they won’t end up feeling as though they are less-than others. One can come to believe that they are the ones who are better than others, and this will give them a false sense of superiority. It then might not matter what someone else does, as they can believe that they are below them. In the Driver’s Seat Through taking this approach, it is likely to give one a sense of control, and it will then be possible for them to achieve things. This could mean that they will be seen as being fairly successful, or they could be seen as being extremely successful. One way of looking at what they have achieved would be to say that this will be a way for them to prove to themselves that they have value. Through creating a life where they are successful, it will keep how they truly feel at bay. A Daily Process And, in order for them to make sure that it doesn’t come to the surface, they will need to maintain their current level of success. Having said that, it might be more accurate to say that they will need to achieve even more. One can get used to what they have achieved, and there will always be something else that they need to do. It be could said that there is nothing wrong with trying to achieve things, but this is not what is being spoken about here. Normal The difference here is that one will believe that their value is based on what they achieve, as opposed to who they are. Yet when one is comfortable with themselves, they will realise that their value is based on who they are and not on what they do. Nevertheless, if one had to choose between feeling worthless and not achieving anything or elevating themselves above others and being able to achieve things, it is not going to be much of a surprise to see that they have gone with the second option. This will have stopped them from feeling so low, and it would have given them the ability to change their life. A Closer Look It would then have been as if they had to submit to how they felt, and to resign themselves to living a life that wasn’t worth living, or, to take control, and to create a life that was worth living. Yet, when they first felt this way, the only thing on their mind might have been to feel better. When one feels worthless, it can be the result of what took place when they were younger, and this may have been a time when they were abused and/or neglected. This would have caused one to feel as though they were inherently flawed, and this was then something that permeated their whole being. Awareness This is not the true though, and this why one doesn’t have to experience life in this way forever. When it comes to moving forward, they may need to work with a therapist.
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When it comes to achieving something, it can be a relatively straight forward process. There is also the chance that it won’t be this simple, and this can be because of the things that are outside of their control.
Appreciation One way of looking at this would be to say that it is a good thing that there will be times when it isn’t a straight forward process, and this is due to the effect it will have on them. For one thing, this can allow them to value what they have achieved; whereas if it was always easy, it might not have the same effect. This is then the difference between being given something and actually having to work for it. If they always had what they wanted whenever they wanted it, they could take everything for granted. Another Thing In addition to how one will respond to what they have worked so hard for (or simply worked for), there will be the effect this will have on their mind. Through having to overcome different challenges, it may have strengthened their character. It can then end up being a lot easier for them to achieving other things in their life, and they might even feel as though they can achieve something far more significant. This is then similar to weight training, and how once one has lifted a certain amount of weight, it will give them the strength and the belief to lift more. Looking Back If one was to look back on their life, they may find there have been moments in their life when it wasn’t a straight forward process. At the time, they may have thought about giving up and doing something else. They may have done this on at least one occasion, but in general, they may have decided to keep going. When they kept going, it could be a sign that they were doing something that really mattered. The Right Track One was then doing something that was in alignment with their own needs, as opposed to someone else’s needs. The motivation that they needed to continue would then have come from within them. So when one is doing something that truly matters, not only will they be able to full their needs; they will also have the energy they need to achieve it. And through achieving one thing, it will probably make it easier to go on and achieve something else. Climbing the Mountain One will then be able to look back on their life and to see how far they have come. They won’t have stayed in the same position; they will have gradually been able to move forward and to achieve their goals along the way. There can be what has taken place in their career and the impact this has had on their relationships. If one is self-employed, for instance, they might have been able to build their business up, or if they work for someone else, they might have been able to rise to the top of their profession. Reaching Out And if one is not in a fulfilling relationship at this time in their life, they may have had a number of them in the past. If they have just left one, they may have outgrown the other person. There will then be no reason for them to feel as though something bad happened, or as though they did something wrong. This will be something that is simply part of life, and not something they could have avoided. Round in Circles However, while the ideal will be to move in one direction, there are going to be people who are unable to experience life in this way. Instead of being able to move forward, they may find that they rise to a certain point and then they fall back down again. It can then be as if they are taking two steps forward and two or even three steps back. Another way of looking at it would be to say that one will get on a walking escalator and, once they get to their destination, they will get on the escalator that will take them back to where they came from. Examples As a result of this, one may have been able to move forward in their career, only to end up where they started. Thus, even though they deserved to get to this level, they may have changed their behaviour in some way. Their performance might have dropped, and they may have lost their position/job. Alternatively, one may have been in a fulfilling relationship and ended up walking away or cheating on them. Confusion Naturally, there are all kinds of ways in which one can sabotage their life, and this is something that they will be able to find out by taking a closer look at their own life. But when this does take place, one can wonder what is going on. Initially, one may have believed that other people were trying to hold them back, or that the world was against them. Yet as they are the common denominator, they will have come to see that they need to look at what is taking place within them A Closer Look If one was to get in touch with what is taking place in their body, they may find that they feel worthless. And, through feeling this way, they are going to believe that they don’t deserve to have their needs met. So through destroying what they have worked so hard to create, they will be punishing themselves. But as they feel so low, this is going to be seen as being nothing more than what they deserve to experience. Awareness When one feels worthless, it can be the result of what took place during the beginning of their life. This may have been a time when they were abused and/or neglected. If one can relate to this and they want to change their circumstances, they may need to work with a therapist.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
There is a strong chance that there has been moments in one’s life when they have been told to ‘be themselves’. This could be something they have been told before they had a job interview, or before they were going to meet someone for the first time.
Letting Go The other person may have seen that they were nervous, and this would then have been a way for them to try and calm them down. And through hearing this, one may have found that it allowed them to settle down. They may have been able to breathe deeply and to no longer worry about what may or may not happen. Said another way, they would have returned to the present moment and it would then have been possible for them to behave as they usually do. Sound Advice Based on this, it could be said that this saying is very helpful; if someone is feeling tense before they are about to do something, it will allow them to get out of their own head and settle into their body. Yet, as this saying is so simple, it can be easy to overlook how powerful it is. And, during the moments when they are about to do something important and they are unable to settle down, they can also say this saying to themselves. Therefore, if there is no one around to support them, they can support themselves. Everyday Life It could be said that it will also be important for one to be themselves when it comes to their day-to-day life. If they were to only be themselves during certain moments, they would spend a lot of their life putting on an act. When they don’t feel the need to do this and their true-self can shine though, their life is going to be a lot easier. This is because they won’t need to worry about saying or doing the right thing. True-Self They will be in touch with their needs, feelings and preferences, and these aspects will generally define their life. So, not only will their life be easier, but it will also be far more fulfilling than it would be if this wasn’t the case. The people in their life will know who they are, as opposed to a role they play to fit in. Their need to be seen for who they are is then going to be met, and there will be no reason for them to feel as though they are invisible. A Strong Connection And as they are in touch with who they are, it won’t be a challenge for them to notice when they are putting on an act. It would soon stand out, and this will allow them to get back on track. One way of looking at this would be to say that one is living in the right way, and this is how everyone should experience life. Even so, there are going to be plenty of people who find it incredibly difficult to be themselves. Useless If someone was to tell them to be themselves, it might not have much of an effect on them. On one side, they will have the need to do so, but on the other side; they are not going to be able to fulfil this need. One may have been told to be themselves on so many occasions that they are now fed up with hearing this saying. In fact, when someone says this, it could be as if they don’t understand what they are going through. Empathy Instead of being told this, one may want someone to take the time to understand what they are going through. As if they were to do this, they may gradually begin to realise why they are unable to be themselves. What this shows is that while it is easy to tell someone what do to, it is not as easy to take the time to listen to what they are going through. One could also find that they don’t know who they are. Two Sides When one is unable to be themselves, they will need to follow a certain path, but when one is out of touch with their true-self, they will need to follow a different path altogether. If one is out of touch with their true-self, it is going to be a waste of time to tell them to be themselves. This will be similar to telling someone who is clinically depressed to be happy; it is not going to happen. One is not going to know what their real needs and feelings are, and this is not going to change by telling them to be themselves. Going Deeper When one finds it hard to be themselves, it can be a sign that they don’t feel comfortable enough to do so. At a deeper level, they could feel worthless, and this can then cause them to believe that they need to hide who they are. Ergo, if they were to be themselves, it could be seen as something that would cause other people to reject and/or abandon them. There is also the chance that the reason they don’t feel safe enough to be themselves is because they are carrying trauma. Disconnected Yet, if one is out of touch with who they are, it could show that there was a time in their life when it wasn’t safe for them to be themselves. Through being in this kind of environment, they may have had to develop a false-self in order to survive, and this would have stopped their true-self from being able to develop. But whether one finds it hard to be themselves or if they are out of touch with themselves, it could be the result of what took place when they were younger. Perhaps this was a time when they were abused and/or neglected. Awareness If one can relate to this and they want to change their circumstances, they need to work with a therapist.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
If a man has the desire to in a relationship with a woman, he could end up taking action. This could then be a time when he will go out to different bars and clubs, and he could even join a few dating sites.
What this could show is that he has recently broken up with someone, and he now feels as though it is time to move on. At the same time, there is the chance that he has been single for quite some time. Playing the Field During this time, he may have only been interested in fulfilling his sexual needs, for instance. Therefore, through going out or by going online, he would have been able to meet women who also wanted the same thing. And as there is less pressure on women to hide their sexual nature in today’s world, it could be said that it is easier than ever before for men to fulfil their sexual needs without needing to be in a relationship. This might have taken place for a number of months, or it may have lasted for a matter of years. The Next Stage But for one reason or another, behaving in this way is no longer going to give him the same satisfaction. What this could come down to is that he now wants to find someone to have children with. So although he might have lowered his standards from time to time when he was fulfilling his sexual needs, he might no longer be willing to do so. He could have clear idea in mind and, unless he meets someone who matches up to this ideal, he might decide to stay single. Another Area This could show that he is in a good place financially, and that his career is going in the right direction. There is the chance that this is his priority, and even if was to end up in a relationship, it is unlikely that this part of his life would be overlooked. As a result of this, he won’t be looking for another person to complete him, and he will have plenty of value to offer a woman. Through being in this position, it could show that he feels comfortable with himself. Together Therefore, he is not going to be someone who looks towards other people for approval. Said another way, he will value himself, and this will be why he is not willing to settle for someone who is not right for him. If this wasn’t the case, he would probably believe that he doesn’t deserve to be with someone like this. And through having the need for approval, he would more than likely end up pushing people away. Reaching Out What could also be said here is that he is not going to fear women, and this will have played a big part in how he has behaved throughout his life. As if he didn’t feel comfortable around them, his life wouldn’t be the same. It would then be normal for him to keep them at a distance, and this would cause him to experience of frustration. Not only would it be a challenge for him to fulfil his sexual needs, it would also be challenge for him to find someone to be in a relationship with. A Difference Experience But while this man is not going to fear women, it doesn’t mean that every man on the planet is going to be this way. There are going to be plenty of men who don’t experience life in this way, and this is naturally going to have a big effect on their life. When one can relate to this, they may find that they don’t allow themselves to get too close to women. But if they do, they could end up being overwhelmed with fear; with this being something that stops them from being able to function. Loss of Control When it comes to other areas of their life, they could be full of confidence, but when it comes to this area, they will disintegrate. They might not know what to say, and it could be as if their whole body freezes. Or if this doesnt take place, they could feel the need to get away from them as fast as they can, and this is going to cause them to overlook the rest of their needs. And once they are no longer close to them, they could soon find that they begin to settle down and to return to how they felt before. Confusion One is then going to have the need to connect with women, but due to how they feel when they get close to them, this rarely going to take place. They may find that it is only possible for them to talk to them when they are drunk, for instance. Through being this way, one could believe that they lack courage, and they could see themselves as being weak. There is then going to be the pain they experience through not being able to get close to women, and the pain they experience through how they treat themselves. Feedback If they were to talk to their friends about this, they could tell them that they need to ‘man up’, and that there is nothing for them to be afraid of. Alternatively, they could be told that they need to change what they belief, and to push themselves. At the same time, one might prefer to keep how they feel to themselves, and this is because this is something they could feel ashamed of. As they are a man, they could believe that they are not supposed to experience fear. A Deeper Look If one was to change what they believe and ‘push themselves’, they may find that their life begins to change. On the other hand, this might not get them very far; in fact, one could end up feeling eve worse. What this could then show is that the reason one doesn’t feel comfortable around women is due to what took place when they were younger. This may have been a time when their mother/caregiver abused them in some way. A Lasting Impact One is no longer a child and what took place is in the past, but the trauma they experienced when they were younger is still in their body. What they experienced as a child is then going to be triggered when they get close to women (or when they think about them). When this takes place, their mind can find it hard to understand what is going on; whereas their body will know exactly what is happening. This is why it is often said that even though the mind forgets, the body always remembers. Awareness In addition to what is taking place in their body, these early experiences may also have had an effect on their brain. As if they were abused while their brain was still developing, it may mean that it didn’t develop in the right way. If one doesn’t feel comfortable around women and they want to change their life, they may need to work with a therapist.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
Although one can have the desire to be with someone who is right for them, it doesn’t mean that this will take place. One could find that they have the tendency to end up with people who they are not really compatible with.
Alternatively, one could have been with a number of people who were abusive, and this is going to be even worse. This person might be only too happy to end up with people who they are not compatible with. A Relief Due to what they have been through, they are not going to want to put up another person who will treat them in the same way. So, while being with someone who is not a match for them won’t be the ideal, it will be far better than what they have been through. Still, if one was to take a break and to allow themselves to feel better, they could start to imagine what it would be like to be with someone who is right for them. There would then be no reason for them to put up with someone who they are not compatible with. Outlook If one is used to attracting people who they are not compatible with, this could be an experience that consumes them. In fact, they could believe that this is the worst thing they could experience. Yet, if they were to end up in an abusive relationship, they could soon realise that this is not actually the case. One would see that this part of their life could be far worse than it already is. Attached What this comes down to is that if someone is completely absorbed in their own experience and they are unable to take a step back, it will stop them from being able to put things into perspective. On the other hand, when they are able to step back, it will give them the opportunity to do so. This is not so say that one should be comfortable with what is taking place; what it comes down to is their behaviour can be defined by the outlook they have. For example, if one believes that this area of their life couldn’t be any worse, they could feel like a victim. Stuck It will then be normal for them to feel down and as though there is nothing they can do to change their life. There is then a strong chance that the next person they end up with will be the same, and this will then lead to the same outcome. When one believes that this part of their life could be worse, it can give them the belief that they need to change their life. Of course, one could believe that they can change this area of their life even if they don’t compare it with what other people are going through. Each Part In general, when one is with someone who is right for them, there is going to be what is taking place in their mind, heart and body. So they will enjoy talking to them, they will have feelings for them, and they will be attracted to them. Through being this way, they will feel safe enough to be themselves, and this will stop them from having to put on an act around the other person. One could believe that they are meant to be with this person, or they could say that they are their ‘soul mate’. Connected When the above takes place, each part of them is going to be involved, and it won’t be as if part of them is not on board. This is then going to be radically different to how it would be if their heart didn’t feel connected to the person they were with. In this case, they might enjoy talking to them and they could even be physically attracted to them, but that will be as far as it goes. Or, one could have feelings for them, but they might not be attracted to them. Two Experiences In the first example, they may be able to have experiences that are physically rewarding; however, as they don’t have feelings for them, there is a strong chance that this will soon change. And in the second example, one could see the other person as more of a friend than a lover. Thus, in order for one to have a fulfilling relationship with someone, it will be vital for each part of them to be involved. Still, if one is more concerned with feeling safe than anything else, they can end up they can end up overlooking the rest of their needs. The Priority When they meet someone, the defining factor will be how they feel in their presence. Now, it could be said that this will always be the case; but what will be different is that what is taking place in their heart can be ignored. There is also the chance that one won’t even be aware of what is taking place in their heart, and this is because they could be emotionally disconnected. Through being with someone like this, there will be less chance of anything bad happening to them. A Deeper Look The reason why one’s need to feel safe would take precedence and the rest of their needs would be overlooked can due to what took place when they were younger. This may have been a time when they were abused and/or neglected. What this would have done is stopped them from feeling as though it was safe to open up, and they would have come to believe that people can’t be trusted. These early experiences would have had a big effect on them, but they wouldn’t have removed their need to be with someone. Control So by being with someone who they feel safe with, it will stop them from having to be by themselves. Their heart won’t be involved and they might not even find them attractive or intellectually stimulating, but they will see them as someone who won’t put them through what they had to experience as a child. Ultimately, this is likely to give one a sense of control, and this would be something they didn’t experience as a child. Yet as they are with someone who doesn’t meet the rest of their needs, it is going to stop them from experiencing true fulfilment in this area of their life. Awareness If one wants to meet someone who is right for them, they may need to look at what is taking place within them and to work through it. This won’t be easy, but it will allow them to change their life. Through the assistance of a therapist, one will be able to change their circumstances.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk Positive Feedback: Can Toxic Shame Stop Someone From Being Able To Accept Positive Feedback?14/3/2017
When one gets to a point in their life when they have achieved something significant, there will be everything they have done in order for this to take place. Therefore, this wouldn’t have been something that just happened.
Looking Back One could find that it has taken them a number of years, or it might even have taken even longer. During this time, they may have done something every day, and this would have meant that they were unable to put their feet up, so to speak. But if this wasn’t the case, they may have still had to do something at least a few times a week. It was then something that took over their life, or it was something that took a lot of their time. Then and Now When one was putting their time, effort and energy into this, they may have received a lot of feedback from others. They may have told them how well they are doing, and that they need to keep going. And now that they have archived what they set out to achieve, they could tell them how well they have done. In fact, this could be a time when one will be showered with compliments. The Same Response One would then have been only too happy to hear people say these kinds of things when they were working towards their goal. As a result of this, it would have been possible for one to accept what these people said. And as they were this way during this time, it is highly likely that they will be the same now that they have achieved their desired outcome. If one was to take a step back and to reflect on what these people are saying, they could believe that they deserved to be treated in this way. A By-product One would have put the work and in did what they needed to do to get to where they are, and the people around them are simply recognising this. It is not as if one has been sitting around and these people are providing them with feedback that they don’t deserve. And if one was to come across someone who was working hard to achieve something or if they had already got to this point, they could respond in the same way. One is then simply commenting on what they see, as opposed to saying something for the sake of it. Everyday Life In addition to what one will hear from other people when it comes to something like this, there will also be what they hear each day. This can relate to how they look, what they do for others, and what they do at work, for instance. For example, one could put a lot of effort into their appearance, and other people could tell them how smart they look. When this happens, one could thank them for taking the time to let them know. Another Experience Yet, while this is how some people will respond when they receive positive feedback from others, there are going to be people who respond differently. Instead of being able to accept what they hear, they could end up keeping it at bay. One could then achieve something or make someone a meal, but they won’t be able to internalise what is said to them. They could end up laughing or say that they haven’t done anything special. Downplay If they were to behave in this way, it could cause other people to wonder what is going on. One will be acting as though they haven’t done anything, and as though they don’t deserve to receive this kind of feedback. Alternatively, one could come across as though they are able to accept positive feedback from others. But although they will come across in this way, what they hear won’t penetrate their mind. Straight In On the other hand, one could find that this is not something that takes place when they receive negative feedback from others. If someone was to put them down in some way, the doors of their mind could open instantly. This could be something that happens naturally, and one is then not going to need to think about whether it is true or not. Through being this way, it is likely to show that one doesn’t value themselves. Going Deeper If one was to get in touch with how they feel, they could find that they feel worthless. So, by feeling so low, there is going to be no reason for them to accept positive feedback from others. As this is what is taking place within them, it is not going to be a surprise for them to accept negative feedback from others. This is what will feel right, and there will be no reason for them to resist it. What’s going on? When one experiences life in this way, it can be due to what took place when they were younger. This may have been a time when they were abused and/or neglected, and this would have caused them to experience toxic shame. Their whole being would have been seen as being flawed, and there wouldn’t have been anything they could do about it. Time has then passed, but what took place all those years ago is still defining how they experience life. Awareness Ultimately, there is no reason for them to feel this way, and this is because there is nothing wrong with them. Even so, this is how one is experiencing life, and what is taking place within them needs to be acknowledged. And if one only focuses on what is taking place in their mind and ignores what is going on in their body, they may find that nothing happens. If one has the desire to move forward, they may need to work with a therapist.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
If one was to take a step back and to think about the people they have been with throughout their life, they might think about the different moments that they have shared with them. This could then be a time when they will see that they have had more good than bad moments in this area of their life.
A Closer Look When it comes to the bad moments, perhaps there have been times when they had a connection with someone and then before long, they came to see that there was nothing there. How they felt when they first met them would then have been radically different to how they felt as time went by Along with this, they may have been at least one person who they had to break up for reasons beyond their control. This could have been a time when they were about to head to university/college, or vice versa. Another Country If this was not something that took place, it could have meant that it was during a time when they were about to spend a little while in another country. One may have believed that this would be for the best. Or the person they were with might have done this, and one might ended up being in a bad way. They may have seen this person as someone who they wanted to spend the rest of their life with. A Lasting Impact But if one was to put these moments to one side, they may remember the good times that they have shared with others. This may have meant that these were people who they connected with on all levels. Their head, heart and body would then have been on board, so to speak, and they wouldn’t have wanted to be with anyone else. And due to the connection they had, it would have been a lot easier for them to deal any challenges that arose. Something to look forward to Through having had these kinds of experiences, there will be no reason for them to worry about if it they will meet someone similar in the future. They have done it before and so they will be able to do it again. At this time in their life, they might not have the desire to be with anyone, and this could show that they have recently broken up with someone. One could then prefer to focus on their career and to spend time with their friends, for instance. Another Scenario However, while one could look back on their life and reflect on what has taken place, they might not feel the need to do so. This could come down to the fact that they are in a relationship with someone. As a result of this, they could think about the good times they have shared with the person they are currently with. But regardless of whether one is with someone or not, it will be normal for them to have these kinds of experiences. Two Extremes When someone experiences life in this way, this area of their life is going to have a positive effect on them. And, even if they are not currently in a relationship, they will know what it is like to be with someone who is right for them. But while this is how they will experience life, there are going to be other people who won’t be able to relate to this. It is then going to be as if these people live on a completely different planet. A Number of Similarities Yet, although this area of their life is going to be different, there are going to be a number of things that are the same. For one thing, they are giving to breathe the same air, and they might even go to the same places to buy what they need. Nevertheless, when it comes to what it is like when they are in a relationship, it won’t be the same. One person will be with someone who treats them well, and the other will be with someone who treats them badly. Undermined When one is treated well, it will allow them to grow, and other areas of their life will also improve. But when one isn’t treated well, it will stop this from taking place, and other areas of their life are bound to suffer. If one is can relate to the former, this might be how their life has always been, or there may have been a time when they were also treated badly. And if one can relate to the latter, this might also be how their life has always been. A Deeper Look The kind of people that one attracts can be defined by what took place when they were younger. What took place during this time can lay the foundations for what one will feel comfortable with. So if they were treated well as a child, they are likely to feel comfortable around people who will treat them in the same way, and if they were treated badly, they can also feel comfortable with people who will treat them in the same way. At this time, they wouldn’t have been able to do anything about what took place. Destined Therefore, if one is used to attracting people who abuse them, it could be said that this is not much of a surprise. If anything, this was something that was almost certain to take place. It is then similar to how if someone was born in Mexico, they would have ended up speaking Spanish. Through being abused by their caregiver/s as a child, they would have unconsciously been drawn to people would treat them in the same way as an adult. Awareness This will also to apply to people who are treated well by the people they end up with; with their early years setting them up to experience life in this way. Ergo, there is going to be no reason for one to blame themselves if they have been with people who are abusive, they can realise that there wasn’t a lot that they could have done. But now that they are aware of why this has taken place (and perhaps this was when they were supposed to ‘wake up’), they will be able to do something about it. The next step might be for them to reach out for external support, and this can be provided by a therapist.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
The beginning of someone’s life is supposed to be a time when they will receive what they need in order to grow and develop in the right way. When this takes place, their developmental needs are generally going to be met.
As a result of this, they are likely to have the resources that they need to be able to handle life as an adult. This is not to say that nothing bad would have happened to them as a child; what it means is that this wouldn’t have been a time when it was normal for them to suffer. Well-Adjusted Through having been able to develop the inner strength during their early years, it will be a lot easier for them to handle challenges. For one thing, one is likely to have the ability to regulate their own emotions. Along with this, there is a strong chance that they have a strong sense of self, and this will mean that it will be a lot harder for them to be overwhelmed. And as they are likely to feel comfortable with their own needs, they won’t feel the need to do everything by themselves. Reaching Out If human beings were their own island, it wouldn’t matter if they were able to do this. But as this is not the case, it is going to make their lifer a lot easier than it would be if they felt ashamed of their needs. One will realise that there is nothing wrong with their needs, and this is why they will feel comfortable enough to reach out to others. In their eyes, having needs could be seen as a normal part of life. All Areas So if one is in a position where they can’t understand something or if something is not working n their life, they won’t feel as though they have to suffer in silence. Being this way is also going to allow them to move forward in their career. If they want to achieve something or to go to the next level, they will soon be on the lookout for what they can do and/or who can assist them. In addition to this, they will feel comfortable with their need to experience intimacy. Deeply Fulfilling Therefore, if they were to meet someone they like, they won’t need to hold back, or to pretend that they are not interested. They will feel comfortable enough to show their interest and to see if they can take things further. What will also play a part here is that they will value themselves, and this will allow them to attract people who also value them. It is then not going to be much of a surprise if they have been in a number of relationships that had a positive effect on them. Part of life If this is how one generally experiences life, there will be no reason for them to spend too much time thinking about what has taken place. This will just be how their life is, and they are not going to know any different. When they come into contact with people who experience life differently, they could end up empathising with them and showing compassion. But even if they were to do this, they are not going to truly understand what it is like to be this way. Now and Then At the same time, there may have been moments in one’s life when they have had some bad moments. This could have been a time when a relationship came to an end or when someone they were close to passed on. When this took place, they would have been in pain, and it might have taken a while until they began to feel like themselves again. Fortunately, this is not going to be how they experience life all the time. Another Experience But while the ideal will be for someone’s early years to have been a time when they received what they needed in order to grow in the right way, this is not always what takes place. For a lot of people, this would have been a time when they rarely, if ever, got their needs met. What this can mean is that this was a time when they were abused and/or neglected by the people who were supposed to care for them. So even though they are an adult, it doesn’t mean that they will feel like one. In A Bad Way Due to what they went through as a child, it could be a real challenge for them to get through each day. They might not have the ability to regulate their emotions, and this can mean that they are used to experiencing a lot of fear. And even if they are in touch with their needs, they might not believe that anyone would meet them. There is then chance that they won’t have a strong self of self, and they could feel completely worthless. It’s Always There It is then not going to be possible for one to simply move on from what has taken place, and this is because they are in such a bad way. Not only do they remember what happened; they also have a brain and body that has been affected by what took place. Even so, there may have been times in their life when they have opened up to people and they might not have been able to understand this. One may have been told during this time that they need to ‘move on’ or to ‘let go’ of what took place. One Response Through hearing this, they might have ended up feeling even worse, and as though they are choosing to suffer. After a while, they might have been able to go back to how they were before. Alternatively, this could be something that has defined their outlook, and one is then going to be under even more pressure. Thus, even though they are not choosing to experience life in this way, it can be as if this is a choice they have made. Awareness What this shows is how important it is for one to reach out for the right support and to be careful who they open up to. When another person understands what they have been though and what they are going through, they won’t tell them that they need to ‘move on’ or to ‘let go’. It is vital that one reaches out and doesn’t suffer in silence, as although they couldn’t do anything when they were being abused as a child; they can do something now that they are an adult. The support they need can be provided by a therapist.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk |
Oliver JR CooperAuthor of 26 books, Transformational Writer, Teacher & Consultant. Introductory Consultation
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Disclaimer
That which is contained within these articles is based on my own empirical understanding and is true for me at the time they were written. However, as I continue to grow, what I perceive as the truth will inevitably change and as a result of this - parts of these articles may not reflect my current outlook.
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