When someone has good posture it not only creates a good impression, it also has a positive effect on their health. There is then an external reason and an internal reason for one to pay attention to how they hold themselves.
Therefore, if two people had bad posture, their reason for wanting to improve it might not be the same. One person may want to change it in order to create the right impression, and the other person may be in a position where they need to change their posture in order to improve their health.
This is not to say that some people are immune to the effects of having a bad posture; what it can come down is it that not everyone is going to be in the same position. It can all depend on how long someone has had bad posture for.
When someone is in their early years, they might not pay attention to how their body comes across. Yet, they could end up experiencing a lot of pain as they get older, and this could cause them to change their posture.
The damage that is done during these early years is then overlooked until it builds up, and they won’t notice what is happening until their adult years. If the pain is there already, it could still be possible for them to ignore it, and this also could apply to someone who is an adult.
There is also the chance that one is in pain because of their posture, but that they are unable to make the connection between the two. They could then believe their pain is being created by something else, and they could take things to remove the pain.
And as they are not dealing with the real cause, they are not going to deal with the reason why they feel as they do. In this case, the focus will be on removing how they feel, and this could mean that their posture is likely to get even worse.
Out of Touch
While they will be able to feel better, they are going to become even more disconnected from their body. This is then similar to someone who is in a boat that is leaking, and instead of fixing the hole, they end up looking in the opposite direction.
Although one can end up believing that everything is fine, they will soon realise that they were deluding themselves. However, while a boat will sink without too much time passing, it is likely to take a lot longer for one’s physical health to decline.
The Normal Approach
It would be easy to point the finger at the people who do this, and to say that they need to listen to what their body is trying to tell them. Yet, while individual responsibility is important, it is also important to take into account how one is affected by the society they live in.
In today’s world, pain is rarely seen as something one needs to embrace; it is often seen as something that needs to be removed. The need to feel better right away takes precedence over looking into what would be the best solution in the long-term.
Through conditioning people to look outside for solutions, it sets them up to depend on other people for guidance. They are then no longer aware of their own inner guidance, and this makes it easier to control them.
However, while this is going to be pretty obvious to some people, there are going to be others who don’t even realise what is taking place. This could be because they have always been out of touch with themselves, and this is then ‘normal’.
If one wanted to change their posture, they may end up trying to force their body into position. They may believe that their posture would improve if they started to exercise, and how strengthening certain muscles would make a difference.
This could also be a time where they pay attention to how they sit, stand and walk. Through being aware these aspects, it will give them the chance to do something else, and they might start to gradually develop new postures.
What someone could also do is to take a look at what is taking place at an emotional level. They may find that their bad posture is not just a bad habit; it could be something they do to protect themselves.
If one is unable to keep their head straight, has shoulders that come forward and their back arches, it could be a sign that they are carrying trapped grief. On one side, this posture is having a negative effect on their body and on how other people see them, but on the other, it is what feels safe.
Their body is adjusting to how they feel, and while one can focus on changing their posture, if they don’t process their feelings, there are going to experience resistance. If they get in touch with how they feel and allow themselves to grieve, they may find that their posture starts to improve.
When someone no longer feels the need to protect their chest, they will no longer need to bring everything forward. One may be able to get in touch with how they feel, or it might take them a while to connect to their feelings.
This could relate to the loss that they have experienced during their adult life and/or it could go back to what happened during their childhood years. One may have lost a loved one, experienced the end of a relationship and/or had a childhood where their needs were not met, among other things
But although time has passed, how they felt has remained within them. At a deeper level, one might feel as though they wouldn’t be able to handle the pain, and this is why they haven’t been able to grieve.
If this is the case, it will be important for them to reach out for support, and this can be provided by a therapist or a healer. This will be a time where one will face how they feel, and cry out the pain that is within them.
If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article, as many others have.
Oliver JR Cooper
When one thinks about their ideal partner, they may imagine someone who can fulfil all of their needs. They may even describe this person as their ‘soul mate’; with this being someone who will end up transforming their whole life.
There is then the chance that they will have been with a number of people who haven’t quiet matched up to this ideal. In the beginning of the relationship they may have felt as though they had finally met the one, but this outlook may have been short-lived.
One reason that they had this outlook could have been the result of how the relationship started out. During these early stages, or what is often classed as the ‘honey moon period’, the other person may have ticked all the boxes.
And if this wasn’t case, one may have been so caught up with the other person that they overlooked what they were unable to provide. One then starts off with the outlook that this time it is going to be different, but they soon realise that it is the same as what they have experienced before.
The Wrong Person
They may believe that they just haven’t met the right person yet, and until they do, they won’t settle for anything less than they deserve. Therefore, it won’t matter if they get on with another person or not, what matters is that they able to meet all their needs.
So after feeling down and wondering if they will ever find ‘the one’, they may soon be on their way. The cycle then continues, and one can either carry on doing the same thing or they can question their outlook.
When one thinks about meeting someone who can meet every need they have, it is naturally going to make them feel good. The same would apply if one was to imagine what it would be like to have complete control over their environment.
But while someone will realise that it is only possible for them to have complete control in their imagination, they might not realise the same applies to meeting someone who will meet all their needs. It is then not just something they can imagine, it is something they can achieve.
If one was in a position where they could buy just about any car they wanted, and as many as they wanted, they might be able to gain a deeper understand of why it is not possible for one person to do everything. For example, they may have a four by four, a sports car and a people carrier.
Each car will allow them to do what they need to do; if they need to go off-road, they can take the four by four, and if they want a family day out, they can take the people carrier. But if it’s a warm day and they want to cruise around, they can take the sports car.
A Different Purpose
Although each car will allow them to drive around the main roads, when it comes to different terrains or needs, not every car will be up to the task. If they want to go off-road, they are not going to take their people carrier; just as if they want a family day out, they are not going to take their sports car.
Someone could ignore this and take the wrong car, but this could ruin their car and/or it could lead to an accident. While human beings are not cars, they have something in common - they can’t do everything.
More than Others
Some cars can do more than others, but it is still not going to be possible for one car to do everything. Just as some human beings can do more than others, but it is not going to be possible for them to do everything.
To expect one person do to everything is only going to set someone up to be disappointed, and this is because they are expecting something that isn’t possible. This doesn’t mean that one should ignore their needs; what it means is that it will be important for them to look towards other people in order to fulfil them.
One could reach out to friends, family members and work colleagues, and who they reach out to will depend on what their needs are. For example, if a woman wanted advice on what to wear, it might be best for her to speak to a female friend.
Just as if a man wanted to talk about sports or something similar, they may need to speak to a male friend. This will then take away the pressure that would be created if each person looked towards the person they are in a relationship to fulfil every need they have.
Unmet Childhood Needs
Another reason why one can expect another person to meet every need they have is because of the needs that were not met during their childhood. As a child, one would have looked towards their caregiver/s to fulfil their every need, and although they are no longer a child, they can still see others in the same light.
Their unmet childhood needs can cause them to have unrealistic expectations, and they will also end up looking for things that can no longer be provided. What this means is that one will need to grieve their unmet childhood needs.
A New Perspective
If one no longer expects the one person to meet all their needs it will give them a greater chance of finding someone who is right for them. And if one needs to grieve their unmet childhood needs as part of this process, they may need the assistance of a therapist.
If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article, as many others have.
Oliver JR Cooper
While there will be times where will be important for someone to focus on the needs of others, there will also be times when this isn’t the case. This is not to say that one will need to spend half of their time being focused on other people’s needs and half of their time being focused on their own - as it is not that black and white.
The most important thing will be for one to be aware of their needs, and for their life to be based around the fulfilment of these needs. One person could agree with this, and another could see this approach as being ‘selfish’.
They could say that when someone focuses on their own needs they end up ignoring other people’s needs. In their mind, it is not going to be possible for them to see how they can fulfil their own needs, and be there for others.
As a result of this, they are going to focus on other people’s needs and feel as though they are doing the right thing, or they will focus on their own needs and feel as though they are doing the wrong thing. One is then going to be ‘selfless’, or they will end up being ‘selfish’.
But although there can appear to be only two options, with one being ‘better’ than the other, there is another option. And whether one comes across as though they are always there for themselves or always there for others, they are still putting themselves first.
when one is always there for others, it can create the impression that they are putting their needs to one side. This is because people are judged based on what they do, and not on what is taking place within them.
Therefore, it won’t matter what their true intentions are, and they will generally be seen as an example to follow. Yet, if someone was able to look at what is taking place within them, they are likely to see that there is more to their behaviour than meets the eye.
When one puts other people’s needs before their own, it is going to allow them to receive their approval. On one side, it can seem as though they are ignoring their own needs, but on the other, it is clear that they are still fulfilling their needs.
The key distinction here is that they are not going to be focused on all of their needs; they are only going to be focused on their survival needs. Receiving approval from others is then not just something that makes them feel good; it is something they believe they need in order to exist.
If they were to embrace all of their needs and they were no longer obsessed with others people needs, it is going to be seen as a threat to their survival. This is not just going to be seen as something they believe, it is likely to be seen as the truth.
There is then going to be the mask that they show to the world, and then there is going to be the person behind the mask. On the outside, they may create impression that everything is fine, but this is likely to be in stark contrast to how they really feel.
However, as they believe that they can only survive by pleasing others, it is not going to be possible for them to reveal their true self. But one won’t have to feel as though their life is under threat in order to feel uncomfortable.
Before they even get to this point, they are going to feel guilty and ashamed for having needs. It then won’t matter that there is nothing wrong with their needs, as they are going to feel as though it is not safe for them to have them.
Having needs is part of being human, and just because someone embraces them, it doesn’t mean they will ignore other people needs. What it does man is that they will be able to live a life that is worth living.
For it is through fulfilling one’s own needs, that they will be able to full the needs of others. This then allows them to be there for others without having to end up running on empty.
And while it is easy to believe that one is ‘selfish’ for putting their needs first and ‘selfless’ for putting other people needs first, there is more to it. For example, if one focuses on their own needs and creates something, it is going to enable them to fulfil other people needs.
Whereas, if one was to focus on others and didn’t fulfil their need to create something, they are not going to be able to fill other people’s needs. This shows how important it is for one to take care of their own needs.
So if one was to let go of their need to focus on other people needs, they are going to feel as though their time on this earth will soon come to an end. It is then not possible for one to be an individual; they have to be who others want them to be.
The support that they need from others will be seen as something that will only appear if they do what they want. However, while this is likely to be what is normal, it is not something that ‘just happened’.
Their younger years will have been a time where their needs were ignored, and they would have ended up taking care of the needs of the people around them. At this time, it would have been something one needed to do to survive.
One would have ended up disconnecting from their own needs, and gradually developed the ability to focus on their caregivers needs. It wouldn’t have mattered that their true self had to go into hiding, and this is because they needed to be accepted.
This is then going to mean that one’s developmental needs were not met, and is going to mean that although they look like an adult, they are not going to feel like one. They were expected to act like an adult before they even had the chance to act like a child.
In order to move forward, it will be important for one to grieve their unmet childhood needs, and to be affirmed for who they are. This is something that can take place with the assistance of a therapist or a healer.
If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article, as many others have.
Oliver JR Cooper
When it comes to experiencing mental and emotional wellbeing, having a sense of personal power is important. This doesn’t mean that this will allow someone’s life to always go how they want it to go, but what it does mean is that they won’t feel like a victim.
They will know that they are playing an active role in what does or doesn’t happen in their life. And as they have this outlook, it is going to be easier for them to handle the moments where their life doesn’t go to plan.
Part of Life
This will be seen as part of life as opposed to a sign that they have no control over their life. However, if it wasn’t for the moments where their life does go to plan, it wouldn’t be possible for them to have this outlook.
It could then be said that the moments in their life that do go to plan balance out the parts of their life that don’t. There may also be times in their life where it is not possible for them to have the influence that they desire.
Based on how their life usually is, it may be possible for them to accept what is taking place; to see it as a stage. As a result of this, they are not going to become attached to what is occurring.
Their sense of perspective allows them to keep going, and to realise that what is taking will soon pass. This may be how their life has always been, or it could be an outlook that they have gradually developed.
If one was to spend time around someone who has this outlook, they are going to see that they have an inner strength. But even if they didn’t spend time around them and just heard about then from a distance, the same outlook is likely to arise.
Yet, although they may come across as being naturally strong, they are going to be influenced by the people around them. What this mean is that the people around them are going to play a part in how they feel.
If one was to spend their time around people who felt as though they had no control over their life, it is not going to have a positive influence on their own life. It could cause them to gradually develop the same mindset.
This is why if someone feels a sense of personal power, they are likely to spend their time around people who have the same mindset. The people around them will give them the support they need, and they will validate the outlook they have.
When someone feels as though they are powerless, this could be how they have always felt. In this case, it is not going to be an experience that comes and goes it will be a way of life.
This could cause them to imagine what it would like to live a life where they have absolute power. And based on how they are experiencing life, this is a normal reaction.
How they feel on the inside is going to be validated by what takes place on the outside, and this is going to stop them from being able to see life differently. The experiences they have in life are going to be seen as a reflection of the fact that they have no power as opposed to a reflection of what is taking place within them.
This could come down to the fact that they are not aware of what is taking place within them, and this could be why they are unable to experience life differently. It is then not possible for them to see how they are playing a part in what is taking place.
If they were to place their attention on what is going on within them, they may start to get an understanding of how destructive their inner world is. There are going to be thoughts and feelings that combine to make them feel powerless.
And as well as these two factors, one is also going to have numerous beliefs that support how they feel and think. One approach would be for them to change their beliefs, and to think differently.
Through this, it will be possible for them to change how they behave and they will also feel different. One might end up believing that their feelings are created by their thoughts, and this will cause them to focus on what is taking place in their mind.
However, while this approach may allow one to realise their personal power, it could also put them on the wrong track. The reason for this is that one’s feelings are not always created by their thoughts.
A Deeper Look
Although the outlook that one has doesn’t match up with reality, there may have been a time when it did. What this means is that they may have been a time in their life where they were powerless, and while time has passed, the emotional experience has stayed within them.
This could have a time where one experienced some kind of loss, and this could have meant that there was nothing they could do. In this instance, it would have been normal for one to feel as though they were powerless, and this is because they were.
If one loses a family member or if a relationship comes to an end, it is not going to be possible for them to do anything. This can also relate to someone who was neglected and/or abused as a child.
Their developmental needs were not met, and this is going to cause them to experience an extreme sense of loss. Yet, if one is able to grieve a loss, they will gradually be able to let go of the feeling of being powerless.
But if one is unable to grieve, they are going to end up being stuck, and feeling powerless will become part of their identity. However, when one experiences loss as an adult, they might end up disconnecting from how they feel.
And if this relates to a child, they are unlikely to have the chance to grieve if they are neglected and/or abused. This can mean that if one experienced loss as a child, they may have always felt powerless, and if this relates to an adult, feeling powerless may be something that they have become familiar with later in life.
In order for one to realise their personal power and to no longer feel powerless, it will be important for them to grieve their losses. And as they are able to cry out their pain, they will gradually begin to feel different.
This is a process that can take place with the assistance of a therapist or a healer. If one has avoided their pain until this point, they are likely to need external assistance.
Oliver JR Cooper
If someone only focused on themselves and didn’t take the time to see how other people are, there is a strong chance that they will be seen as self-absorbed. Not only that, they might not have many friends either.
This is going to cause them to feel isolated from others, and their existence on this planet is unlikely to be very fulfilling. It will be important for someone in this position to spend less time on themselves and to spend more time on other people.
When this happens, they will have more people around them and their life will be far more fulfilling. Yet, there is also the chance that one won’t change their behaviour, and this is going to mean they will continue to suffer.
This doesn’t mean that they will realise what part they are playing in this tough; as they might end up feeling like a victim. In this case, they are not going to be aware of how their behaviour is affecting their life.
The pain that they are experiencing through feeling cut off from others can then end up being directed towards other people. Other people can then be seen as the reason why they are in the position they are in, and it will feel normal to blame them. If one keeps the pain within them, they may end up feeling depressed.
However, while some people will be too caught up in their own lives to focus on others, there are going to be plenty of people who are not. They will have moments when they are focused on their own life and there will be moments when they reach out to others.
This is not to say that their time will be divided equally; as this is not going to be what takes place. There may be times when one has more time for others, and times when they have to cut back on the amount of time they have.
The Modern Day World
In the past, people generally lived a lot closer together and they were not as busy as they are today. This would have meant that it was not only easier for them to spend time with others; they also had more time available.
But while people don’t live as close to each other and are busier than ever before, they are still going to be able to find time for the people who are important to them. Social media has also made it easier for people to reach out to others and to keep up to date on what they are doing.
Better Than Nothing
Although talking over a screen is not the same as talking to someone in person, it is clearly better than nothing. This means that it no longer matters where someone lives or how much time they have.
Through the internet, one can keep in touch with someone wherever they are, and it is also possible for them to talk to someone else whilst they are doing other things. It hasn’t been necessary for people to learn how to multitask directly and this is because this is something that can be developed through using the internet.
A Fine Line
However, even though one can be interested in others for the right reasons, they can also be interested in others for the wrong reasons. When it is for the wrong reasons, they can end up being focused on other people’s problems.
One is then not just giving another person their support; they are obsessed with what is taking place in their life. Their own life is going to end up being overlooked, and while one might believe that there are trying to help the other person, they might end up having the opposite effect.
They are unlikely to see the other person as a fellow human being; they are likely to see them as someone that needs to be ‘rescued’. This might not relate to one person though; as they may have a number of people in their life that they see in the same way.
One may then see themselves as some kind of saviour, and as the only person who can put the other person back on track. This can then cause one to believe that they are superior to the other person.
On the surface, one could say that they want to assist the other person, and part of them is going to want to make a difference in the other person’s life. Yet, there is going to be another part of them that wants to avoid something in their own life.
This other part is not always easy to notice, and this is due to that fact that being ‘selfless’ is often seen as the ideal way to live. Focusing on others is then seen as the right thing to do, and there is no thought as to how destructive this can be.
One is then going to be ignoring their own needs in order to be there for another person. Now, if one didn’t have their own needs, this wouldn’t be a problem.
But as they do have their own needs, it is not going to be healthy for them to always put their own life to one side in order to be there for others. Not only that, they can also end up disempowering others through doing too much for them.
However, if one believes that other people are incapable and that they need to be rescued, it is not going to be possible for them to take a step back. Taking a step back will also mean that they will have to face what they have been avoiding through obsessing over other people’s problems.
Getting caught up in the lives of others may be way for them to avoid their own sense of being inadequate. Saving others then allows them to cover up how they feel and to go from feeling as though they are less-than others, to feeling as though they are more-than others.
It could also mean that someone has experienced some kind of loss in their life and needs to grieve this loss. One way for them to find out what they are avoiding is to see how they feel when they stop trying to fix other people’s problems. This may mean that they need the assistance of a therapist.
Oliver JR Cooper
There are some people who are able to set boundaries, and there are others who are find it incredibly difficult. It wouldn’t matter whether one was able to set them if they were not important, but as they are a vital part of life, it is essential that one is able to.
One may be in a position where they have always had them, and this means that they may find it hard to relate to someone who hasn’t got them. Based on how they experience life, they might wonder why someone wouldn’t have them.
When it relates to someone who has never had boundaries, they might think that everyone experiences life as they do, or they might believe that other people have something they don’t. There is also chance that they will believe that it is possible for them to experience life differently.
However, with that aside for the time being, there is going to be big difference in how each person experiences life. One person is going to feel that is safe for them to be themselves and to listen to their needs and feelings, and the other person isn’t.
They are not going to feel as though it is safe for them to be themselves, and they will feel the need focus on other people’s needs and feelings. In this case, what is taking place within them is secondary and what is taking place externally is primary.
The Right Balance
This is not to say that the first person will ignore other people needs and feelings; what it means that they won’t ignore their own. There may be times when they have to overlook what is taking place within them, but it won’t be a way of life.
Yet, when one is focused on the needs and feelings of others, it is not going to be something that takes place from time to time; it will be a way of life. It is then not possible for one to behave like an individual; they are going to behave as though they are an extension of others.
One may come across as though they are only too happy to be there for others, and they may create the impression that nothing bothers them. In this case, they are seen as easy going and the perfect person who have around.
But although one may create the impression that everything is fine, this is unlikely to match up with what is taking place at a deeper level. If other people don’t see this side, it could come back to one’s need to please others.
This doesn’t mean that one will embrace how they feel; as they might be out of touch with how they feel. But if they were to listen to their feelings, they are going to end up feeling angry.
Yet, as they are walked over on a regular basis, it is perfectly normal for them to feel this way. Below the anger, they may feel hopeless and as though there is nothing they can do about what is taking place in their life.
This doesn’t mean that one won’t have moments where they will try to stand their ground and say no, for instance, but based on how they feel when they try to do this, they are unlikely to go any further. If they do stand their ground, the pain that they experience is likely to be even worse.
On one side, one will have the need to listen to themselves, and on the other, it is not possible for them to do this. What this means is that one is not working with themselves, they are working against themselves.
If one was to tune into their feelings, they may find that they end up feeling guilty whenever they have boundaries. And as they feel this way, they may come to the conclusion that it is not right for them to have them.
However, just because one feels guilty for having boundaries, it doesn’t mean that they are doing something wrong. If one’s feelings always reflected reality, this wouldn’t be the case.
What this is likely to show is that they have been conditioned to believe that it is wrong for them to listen to their own needs and feelings. This would have meant that one was trained to believe that other people’s needs and feelings were more important.
As one is an adult, it is going to be relatively easy for them to see how destructive this outlook is. However, this outlook would have been created when it wasn’t possible for them to see how destructive it was.
Not only that, this would have been a time where it wasn’t safe for them to do anything else. The reason for this is that this outlook is likely to have been developed during one’s childhood years.
During these early years, one would have been focused on doing everything they can please their caregiver/s. And based on the environment they grew up in, focusing on other people’s needs and feelings was what allowed them to survive.
Although they had to disconnect from themselves, it allowed them to fit into the family system. If they were to listen to themselves, they may have been abandoned and/or harmed.
Even though their early experiences were dysfunctional, it would have been what is familiar and therefore, what is safe. So years will have passed and as this is still what feels safe, they will continue to recreate the same system. As a child it would have been made up of other family members, but as an adult, it is going to include their friends and colleagues, for instance.
In order for one to no longer feel guilty and to listen to themselves, it will be important for them to grieve their unmet childhood needs. Through this process, one will be able to let go of their fear of being abandoned and harmed.
Another thing they will need to do is to question what they believe about putting their own needs and feelings first. The assistance of a therapist and/or a support group may be needed here.
Through their assistance, one will be given the support that they need to face the emotional pain within them. They will also provide the positive regard that one needs to develop a sense of self.
Oliver JR Cooper
While someone can look attractive, it doesn’t mean they feel attractive or that their self-image matches up with how they look. In this case, the impression that they have on others doesn’t match up with what is taking place within them.
However, this is not to say that whether one is attractive or not depends on what they look like. This is because how someone behaves will also play a part; it will be the defining factor for some people.
Yet, regardless of how they look or how they behave, they can still have the outlook that they are not attractive. It then won’t matter what they have got going on for them, as it is not going to effect how they see themselves.
There are then going to be other people who see themselves as desirable; with this being an outlook that is backed up by others. This may due to how they look and/or it might be because of how they behave.
One is then going to believe that they have the ability to attract others into their life, and it will have a positive influence on their mental and emotional wellbeing. And although they have this outlook, it doesn’t mean they will come across as arrogant.
When one is comfortable with themselves, they are not going to feel the need to act as though they are superior to others. It is likely to be another part of who they are and not something that defines them.
If they have this outlook, it is likely to mean that they have developed other parts of themselves. Therefore, one part of them is not out of balance and consuming their whole life.
However, just because one is seen as desirable and acts as though they are only too aware of this, it doesn’t mean this is how they see themselves at a deeper level. One’s obsession with how they look could be a way for them to avoid how they really feel.
This is going to mean that one is out of balance, and they may believe that their value is based around their level of desirability. Although they are focused on being attractive, it is also going to be influenced by their need to be accepted by others.
As people are often told that they shouldn’t look for acceptance from others, it can create the impression that they don’t need it. Yet, even though one doesn’t need to be accepted by everyone they meet, it doesn’t mean they don’t need to be accepted.
Human beings are interdependent, and this means that they need to be accepted by others, among others things. But if one’s need to be accepted has taken over their life, it is going to show that they need to look at what is taking place within them.
When one is seen as being desirable by others, it is going to allow them to fulfil certain needs. On one side, this is going to have a positive effect on their self-esteem, and on the other, it is going to give them a greater chance of attracting the kind of person that they want to be with.
Their self-esteem will increase because other people are giving them positive feedback, and this shows that they accept them. And as they are likely to have wider range of people to choose from, there is more chance of them finding their ideal match.
A Powerful Force
It is clear to see why someone would have the desire to be desirable. If two people wanted to increase their level of desirability, they could end up dong completely different things.
One person may work on their character and the other could end up getting some kind of cosmetic surgery. The more common approach is likely to be for someone to work on their appearance, and this is partly due to how focused the world is on what is taking place externally.
It is a lot easier for one to get a new hair style, a new wardrobe and/or to change their physical appearance than it is for them to take a look at what is taking place within them. And because of how the mainstream society trains people to focus on the external world, they might not even think about going within.
After changing how they look and getting the kind of feedback they desire, they might find that they no longer feel undesirable. Yet, although their change in appearance and/or their behaviour has had a positive effect on how people respond to them, they may still feel the same as they did before.
It Starts From Within
One may hear that they need to feel attractive on the inside in order for them to be attractive on the outside. But if one doesn’t feel good on the inside, this may be the last thing on their mind.
In fact, if one was to get in touch with how they feel, they may end up feeling extremely unattractive. They may feel as though they are worthless and begin to wonder why anyone would want to be with them.
This is likely to be a sign that one is carrying toxic shame within them and this is going to mean they are disconnected from their true-self. It is not going to be possible for one to feel as though they are valuable human being; they will feel as though there is something inherently wrong with them.
As a result of what is taking place within them, it won’t matter what they look like or what they do to make themselves more attractive. For as long as they believe their being is flawed, it is not going to be possible for them to feel desirable.
How Did This Happen?
There is a reason why they are out of touch with their true-self and their inherent worth; the toxic shame within them is not something they were born with. And while what has taken place during their adult years may have played a part, it is likely to be due to what happened during their childhood that has had the biggest influence.
This is would have been a time where one was neglected and/or they may have experienced some kind of abuse. During these early years, one wouldn’t have had the ability to question what was happening.
One way for one to let of the toxic shame that has built up within them is to get in touch with how they feel and to tolerate the charge until it begins to discharge. In order to do this, one may need the assistance of a therapist.
They will give one the support they need to face how they feel and the positive regard that they need to realise their inherent worth. This may also be a time where one has to grieve their unmet childhood needs.
Oliver JR Cooper
In today’s world, people not only want to have something straight away, they are also encouraged to have this outlook. It would be easy to see these two aspects as being separate, but part of the reason why people have this outlook is because of the society they live in.
When it comes to adverts, for instance, there is often a focus on how someone can have something straight away and pay for it at a later date. This means that one doesn’t need to save up for what they want, they can have it instantly.
If they don’t want to pay for something later, it might be possible for them to pay in instalments. Either way, their need to experience instant gratification will be met, and they won’t have to experience frustration.
When someone has the need to have everything straight away, it is going to be a lot easier to sell them things. If they were to delay gratification and to buy something at a later date, profits are likely to fall.
This is because not only is someone going to bide their time, it may also mean that they no longer want to buy the same thing. As a result of this, people are not going to be encouraged to have self-control.
If one had to go without what they wanted, there is the chance that they will end up feeling frustrated. Their need to remove this pain is then going to drive them forward and to do everything they can to have what they want.
The more they have what they want when they want it, the harder it is going to be for them to go without having what they want. Their inability to handle pain is going to have a negative effect on their life, but it is going to mean that they are the perfect consumers.
Now, if one had the need to have something to eat or to drink, then it would probably be normal for them to have the desire to fulfil this need instantly. In most cases, it will be relatively easy for this to take place.
But when it comes to needs that are a lot more complex, it is not always going to be possible for them have what they want straight away. One may need to wait for months or even years in order to fulfil their other needs.
Part of Life
If one was to speak to someone who is successful and asked them how long it took them to achieve their level of success, they are unlikely to hear them say that it was something that happened over night. What they are likely to hear is how it has taken them a while to get where they are.
This is not to say that the time it took for one person will be the time it will take for another, but what it does illustrate is how there will be times when one will need to put their need for instant gratification to one side. Even though one might be able to pick up some ideas through spending time with someone who is successful, it still won’t mean that everything will happen instantly.
One may believe that everything should happen straight away, and this is going to have a big impact on their life. But while it is unrealistic to expect things to happen straight away, it doesn’t mean that they are able to realise this.
Based on what they believe and how they feel (along with what they are told by society), they might not even question their outlook. If they were to come into contact with someone who tells them otherwise, they might end up dismissing what they hear.
This could cause one to start something and then before long, they end up giving up. And while this may come down to the fact that it wasn’t what they wanted to do, it might be because they were unable to experience instant success.
They may have come to the conclusion that they are not going to get what they want straight away, and that it would be better for them to do something else. After a short period of time, one may be drawn to something else.
One then ends up having the same experience all over again and after a period of feeling frustrated, they are soon on their way again. If one had the ability to live forever this wouldn’t matter, but as they only have so much time on this earth, it is going to mean that they are wasting their time.
This may cause one to settle for something for something else, and while they might be able to experience instant gratification, it won’t be as fulfilling. At first, one may believe they are on the right track, but this may well be an experience that is short-lived.
If one has the need to achieve something, it will be important for them to have the right outlook. When one expects to achieve something straight away, they are setting themselves up to suffer unnecessarily.
There will be times when everything goes to plan, and then there will be times when it doesn’t; this is why having the ability to tolerate frustration is so important. What one can do to make it easier, is to have smaller goals to work towards.
Through this, it will be easier for them to handle the sets backs, and to keep going regardless of what happens. Their smaller goals will give them the support that they need in order to maintain the drive they need to achieve their bigger goals.
The more one delays gratification, the easier it will become; this is similar to how one’s muscles become stronger the more they use them. However, if one’s need to experience instant gratification is out of control, it may be a sign that they have some emotional work to do.
Oliver JR Cooper
Through the help of the internet, it doesn’t take long for things to spread rapidly in today’s day and age. When this happens, a video or an article will have gone ‘viral', and what started out being known by only a few people, will soon end up being known by millions of people from all over the world.
On one side, this has made it possible for information to be shared with people who wouldn’t have been able to see the information in the past. When the internet wasn’t around, it was a lot harder to share things; especially if one didn’t have a huge marketing budget to do it.
Yet, if a group of people are being violated in a part of the world that is often overlooked, for instance, they no longer need to suffer in silence. This has given individuals the power to stand up and to make a difference.
On the other side, this it has allowed people to share things that are not as beneficial to the human race. When this happens, it could mean that someone ends up being violated in public or it could relate to the fact that their private life has been shared with the world.
This doesn’t mean that everyone will have the same outlook though; as there are going to be some people who see it as another form of entertainment. In this case, it won’t matter whether another person’s personal pictures have been shared or if someone is being humiliated on a prank video.
Their point of focus is going to be on themselves and how they feel, and not on how the other person feels. Therefore, one is not going to be putting themselves in the other person’s shoes and imagining how it must be for them.
This could be a sign that someone lacks empathy, but this might not be the case. What it could mean is that they have just got used to watching these types of videos, for instance, and that it has become ‘normal’.
As so many others watch the same type of videos and because of the enjoyment they create, it might just be another part of their life. If they were to take a step back and to look a little deeper, their actions may begin to change.
There is also the chance that one will wonder what the problem is, and say that it wouldn’t bother them if they were humiliated on a video or if their private pictures were uploaded to the internet. So as it doesn’t affect them, they can’t see why anyone else would be affected.
They might believe that people need to ‘lighten’ and to stop taking life so seriously. This would mean that they are not willing to put themselves in another person’s shoes, and if someone else sees life differently, it means that they should change as opposed to one questioning their own outlook.
If one lives in a house, they are likely to have some kind of fence around their land. This is there to not only let other people know where they cant go; it is also there to protect their private property.
And while a human being can’t put a physical fence around their own body, they are still going to need to protect their personal space. This has become even more of a challenge due to the internet; as the internet has made it easier for someone to violate another person.
There is no longer the need to break into someone’s house or to walk into their personal space, as one only needs to hack into their computer or a website that stores their property. Other people can then share what hackers have stolen from other people, and they can do this without feeling as though they are doing anything wrong.
In fact, one can feel as though they are entitled to view what belongs to someone else. As it is relatively easy for them to access what belongs to someone else, there is no need for one to think about if what they are doing is right, or how they would feel if someone else was sharing their private property.
The Real World
When it comes to the prank videos that have become so popular, there are two parts. The first part is what someone goes through who is experiencing the prank, and the other part is the entertainment the prank provides for others.
While it would be inaccurate to say that all pranks are bad, it would be accurate to say that all pranks are good. There will be times when another person’s personal space is not violated, and then there will be times when it is.
People’s personal space is not always taken into consideration; what often matters is creating a video that will amuse others. This will mean that they are not thinking about what the other person thinks, they are only thinking about themselves.
It is often said that people shouldn’t worry about what other people think, and while this can sound ‘good’, it can stop someone from having empathy. This doesn’t mean that one should only focus on other people’s needs and ignore their own.
But as one lives on a planet with other people, it is important for them to respect their personal space. When this doesn’t take place, it is going to make it a lot harder for someone to enjoy their time on this earth.
One reason why someone would make these kinds of videos is to draw attention to themselves. In this case, it won’t matter whether they are famous for doing something good or for doing something bad.
As emotions are generally ignored in the western world, it can have an effect on people’s ability to experience empathy. This can also cause emotional pain to build up in one’s body and for them to be drawn to anything that will make them ‘feel good’.
If one is avoiding what is taking place within themselves, it won’t matter if their fellow human beings are being dehumanizing in the process. It will be just another way for them to distract themselves.
Oliver JR Cooper
It is often said that human beings are inherently vulnerable, and this is something that can’t be denied. Yet, this doesn’t mean that one is able to embrace this; as they can end up doing everything they can to come across as though they are invulnerable.
The image that they present to the world will be one of strength and of always having everything together. This is not just going to be something they portray to ‘strangers’, it is also likely to be how they come across to the people they know.
On one side, this will allow them to protect themselves from what they believe will happen if they were to open up, but on the other, it is going to create a lonely existence. The people in their life will only get so close to them and this will stop them from being able to experience intimacy.
Yet, although this is going to mean that one is unable to truly reach out to others and to be themselves, it will be seen as the only option that they have. Their primary intention is to keep themselves safe and this may mean that they are generally disconnected from their need to connect to others.
Out of Balance
When it comes to the relationships they have with others, they are likely to be out of balance. What this can mean is that one will attract people who are unable to be vulnerable or to people who have gone to the other extreme.
In this case, it will mean that someone will come across as though they are a victim and that they can’t handle life. As this person comes across as being weak and one comes across as being incredibly strong, they are the perfect match for each other.
This is similar to how a superhero is needed to save a human being in a film; in this case, each person is at a different level. But while this is the case when it comes to a film or a comic book, it doesn’t match up with reality.
When one comes across as being invulnerable, it is nothing more than an illusion. If one comes across as being a victim and acts as though they can’t handle life, it shows that they need to embrace their human strength.
While one will create the impression that they are there to save or to rescue the other, this is not going to be the complete truth. Although they will be there for them, they will do everything they can to keep the other person in the same position.
During the moments where the other person opens up about how they feel and shares what is taking place within them, it could cause one to criticise them. The reason for this is because it reminds them of what they have disconnected from.
As a result of this, they will need to shame the other person for how they behave. If one was to get back in touch with what is taking place within them and to feel comfortable sharing it, they wouldn’t need to behave in this way.
There is also the chance that they will do everything they can to keep this side to themselves, and end up criticising the other person in their mind or to other people. But while one is criticising others for opening up, it is a reflection of how they speak to themselves and how they would expect other people to respond to them if they were in the same position.
All in the Same Boat
If some human beings were vulnerable and some weren’t, it would be easier to understand why there is a difference in how people come across. Yet, as we are all in the same boat, it can be hard to understand why some people find it so hard to embrace their vulnerability.
When some people open up and share what is taking place within them, it is going to feel uncomfortable but it is not going to be something they need to feel ashamed off. However, there are going to be other people who are unable to do this, and this is going to be because of how ashamed they feel.
What this comes down to is how the need to look strong all the time and be invulnerable is just a mask. It something they have developed in order to hide how they feel at a deeper level.
If one was to drop the mask and embrace how they really feel, they are likely to feel as though they are worthless. Here, one is not going to feel as though they are like other human beings, they are going to feel as though they are less-than human.
In this case, opening up is not going to be something that allows others to see that they are simply human, it will be something that allows other people to see how inherently flawed they are. Based on what is taking place within them, it is going to be normal for them to do everything they can to stop other people from finding out the ‘truth’.
What this shows is that one is carrying toxic shame within them, and unlike healthy shame that comes and goes, this will have become one’s identity. It is an inner state that is incredibly painful to feel and it will cause one to go into a state of collapse.
Where Does It Come From?
Due to the effect it has, one can either become overwhelmed by how they feel and come across as someone who acts as though they have no value or they can disconnect from how they feel and end up coming across as shameless. When this happens, one will act as though they are better than others, among other things.
The reason one has ended up being defined by toxic shame is likely to come down to what took place during their childhood. This may have been a time where one has neglected and/or experienced some kind of abuse.
In order for one to get in touch with how they feel, it may be important for them to seek the assistance of a therapist and/or a support group. Through their support, one will be able to tolerate their toxic shame until the charge begins to discharge.
The external support will also allow one to be affirmed and to realise that there is nothing wrong with them. This may also be a time where one will need to grieve their unmet childhood needs.
Oliver JR Cooper
Oliver JR Cooper
Teacher, Author, Transformational Writer & Consultant - With Over 2,000,000 Article Views Online.
That which is contained within these articles is based on my own empirical understanding and is true for me at the time they were written. However, as I continue to grow, what I perceive as the truth will inevitably change and as a result of this - parts of these articles may not reflect my current outlook.
A Dialogue With The Heart - Part One
A Dialogue With The Heart - Part Two
A Dialogue With The Spirit
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