If one was to ask a group of people what their favourite country is, they are unlikely to hear the same answer over and over again. One person might enjoy going to Australia, while another may enjoy going to Mexico, for instance.
What this partly shows is how different people are, and how they appreciate different cultures. One country could then fit one persons needs, but it might not fit another person’s needs. It might not always be this way though; as a country they enjoyed visiting at one point in their life may no longer bring them the same level of enjoyment at another. This could be due to how the country has changed and yet it could also be a sign of how they have changed. Change So as change is part of life and it is not something that can be avoided, it is to be expected that someone’s outlook is going to change throughout their life. If one always had the same outlook, they might end up being seen as stubborn or stuck in the past. This is similar to how ones idea of success is likely to change as they change; with this being a reflection of how their needs change throughout their life. One could have children, for instance, and their whole outlook could soon change. Meaning But without even looking into how someone’s idea of success can change as time passes, it is clear that not everyone have the same meaning when it comes to success. For some people, it could be relate to having a family, and for others, it could involve being recognised for something. One person can’t tell another person what their definition of success should be; this is not something that someone else can do. This is something that one will have to decide for themselves, and once they have decided, it will be down to them to make it a reality. Questioning Another important part of this process will be for one to look into whether it is possible for them to achieve what they want to achieve. This doesn’t mean that one should be ‘realistic’, what it means is that one might be setting themselves up to fail. It is then not going to be possible for them to achieve what they want to achieve and they are setting themselves up for a massive come down. While one can believe they are a failure, it would be more accurate to say that they expected too much to begin with. Two Sides With that aside, it could be said that there are two sides to success; with the first part relating to how one experiences life and the second part relating to how one’s life looks from the outside. While there is the chance that these two sides will match up, there is also the chance that they won’t. Most people would agree that being happy is a big part of success; if one was to disagree with this outlook, it may mean that being successful is way for them to avoid pain. In this case, it won’t matter if they are happy or not; what matters is using success to regulate the pain within them and to create a certain image. Success Creating a certain image may allow one to receive approval from others, but it won’t allow them to experience real fulfilment. What will lead to this outcome may not receive the same amount of approval from others. However, just because someone wants to be successful, it doesn’t mean they are to experience the level of success that they desire. In fact, they may find that they are unable to get one foot on the ladder. Self-Destruct Or one could be in a position where they are able to get to a certain level and then before long, they end up where they started. It is as if they not only have a self destruct button, but that they keep pressing it. One could then come to the conclusion that they only feel comfortable with a certain level of success. On one side, the need is there to move forward and to achieve what they want to achieve, but on the other side, it is not something that feels right. Unworthy If one was to dig a little deeper and to get in touch with how they feel, they may start to find out why they sabotage their success. They may feel as though they don’t deserve to have what they want. When it comes to what is taking place in their mind, they are likely to have thoughts that match up with how they feel. One outlook would be to say that what is taking place in their head is defining how they feel in their body. A Half Truth Now, if one was to think about someone they appreciate, there is a strong chance that they will feel good. Yet, just because what is taking place in one’s mind has defined how they feel in this example, it doesn’t mean this is always the case. It is also possible for the mind to be a trigger, and this means that it doesn’t always define how one feels. Therefore, if one focuses on their mind and ignores what is occurring in their body, they might only get so far. Toxic Shame The reason one feels the way they do when it comes to experiencing success, could be because they are carrying toxic shame. Unlike healthy shame, where one will feel bad from time to time for transgressing their values and beliefs, toxic shame ends up taking over. It is then not that one feels bad, it is that they are bad; they are inherently flawed and there is nothing they can do about it. As a result of this, it is not going to be possible for one to feel good about themselves and it is going to be normal for them to believe that they don’t deserve to be successful. The Reason To say that this only relates to success would be an understatement; as one will feel as though they don’t deserve to exist. However, while toxic shame has infiltrated their whole being, they weren’t born this way. The reason one see themselves in this way is likely to come down to what took place during their childhood years. This may have been time where one was neglected and experienced some kind of abuse. Awareness In order for one to let go of their toxic shame, it will be important for them to come out of hiding and to reveal themselves. This is something that can happen through the assistance of a therapist or a support group This will involve getting in touch with how they feel and tolerating the change until it begins to discharge. Through embracing how they feel and being affirmed for who they are, they will gradually be able to let go and to realise there is nothing wrong with them.
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What makes one person happy is not necessarily going to be the same as what makes another person happy, but while their requirements may be different, they both have the need to be happy. This is something that most people on the planet want to experience; with their being many ways in which one can experience happiness.
However, even though this is what people want, it doesn’t mean they are able to fulfil this need. There are going to be some people who are generally able to fulfil this need, and then there are going to be others who are unable to do so. Complete Fulfilment One reason for this could come down to the fact that they are doing the wrong things. In their mind, happiness may be something that occurs when they have everything they want. It might be possible for them to attain certain things, but there are likely to be things that are going to remain out of their reach. When this happens, one could blame the external world and end up feeling like a victim. Another Outlook If they were to talk to someone else about what has been taking place in their life, they might end up being supported. The other person could say that only some people can have what they want and that life is not fair. Yet, one could also meet someone who says that it’s not possible for one to always have what they want. They might say that one should feel happy with what they have and not expect so much. Contentment Once they stop focusing on what they don’t have and start to appreciate what they do have, their life will being to change. In this case, one is being encouraged to let go of their desire to have everything and to come to a place of acceptance. Through being grateful for what they have as opposed to being frustrated with what they don’t have, one will be able to experience contentment. One may get the impression that this means they should no longer want anything. A Bit of Both The other person may say that it is not that one should no longer want things, but that they should appreciate what they have whilst having the need to have more. Through having this outlook, one is not going to be as attached as they were and they are not going to lose the ability to be happy in the present moment. If they don’t talk about how one can’t have everything they want and that they need to be grateful for what they have, it could be due to another outlook. Here, one may say it’s not so much about attain things as it is about living a life of purpose. Purpose This doesn’t mean that one will renounce their desires; what it means is that they will experience happiness through the kind of life they live. Through this, one is going to feel connected to what matters and this is going to allow them to experience happiness. There are going to be times when they are happy and there will be times when they are not, but this is going to be a lot easier for them to handle. They are doing what they need to be doing and as they are on track, their need to happy all the time is likely to subside. Perpetual Happiness When one experiences happiness through living a life of purpose, it is clear that they are not going to be happy all the time. This may cause one to believe that this is not the option to take if they want to be happy all the time. Yet, if one believes that getting everything they want will lead to happiness, they are not going to end up in a better position. Ultimately, one is chasing an illusion and even if they do feel happy in the beginning, it will soon wear off. Looking Back One only needs to think about something they wanted in the past, and how once they received what they wanted, it didn’t take long for them to want something else. The level of happiness that they experienced in the beginning may have gradually declined or it may have disappeared more or less straight away. It is through having the ability to feel unhappy, that one is able to appreciate being happy. Therefore, each aspect plays an important role in one being able to live a life that is not only fulfilling, but a life where they are able to grow. Another Factor However, just because someone wants to be happy, it doesn’t mean that they believe they deserve to be. This could be something one is aware or it could be something they are unaware of. Either way, it is going to make it hard for one to be happy and even if they are, it might not be possible for them to embrace how they feel. In this case, it is not going to be other people who are stopping them from being happy, this is going to be something they are doing themselves. Self-Sabotage One is then in a position where they have earned the right to be happy or they might not even allow themselves to get this far. This could mean that one not only puts their happiness on hold, they also put their life on hold. Not only is this going to affect one’s ability to enjoy what they have worked so hard for, it could also make it hard for them to enjoy everyday moments with friends and family, among other things. Part of them has the need to be happy and another part of them feels uncomfortable with this need. Undeserving This is not just going to be seen as something one believes about themselves, it will be seen as something much deeper. They may feel as though they are worthless and that they don’t deserve to experience good things in life. While one may have this outlook because of what has happened during their adulthood, it could also the result of what during their childhood. What happened during these early years may have set them up carry toxic shame. During these years, one may have been physically, emotionally, verbally and/or sexually abused. How they were treated would have been taken as a sign of their worth and it wouldn’t have been possible for them to question what was taking place. Toxic Shame This means that one doesn’t feel shame from time to time, they are stuck in shame. It has gone from being a feeling that they experience, to something that defines them - it is who they are. One is then going to be cut off from their inherent worth, and the only thing they will be aware of is a sense of being flawed. They are then less-than human and don’t deserve to exist, let alone be happy. Awareness In order for one to let go of the toxic shame within them, it will be important for them to face how they feel and to process their emotions. Through tolerating how they feel and allowing the change to discharge, one will gradually be able to let go. This may also involve grieving unmet childhood needs. The assistance of a therapist and/or a support group may be needed here. Through the support of others, one will gradually be able to realise that there is nothing wrong them.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk/
Whilst there are some people who are in the public eye, there are others who are behind the scenes. One could be in the public eye because of what they do or it could be because they just wanted to be famous.
Therefore, it is something that takes place directly or it is something that takes place indirectly. But while it would be easy to believe that the people in the public eye have more value than the people who are not, this is not the case. A Two-way Relationship Inherently, they have the same value as everyone else, and if it wasn’t for the people who have allowed them to be where they are, they wouldn’t be in the position they are in. What this shows is that it is a two-way relationship and the people who are ‘up there’ can only maintain their position for as long as the people ‘down there’ support them. This can create the impression that people always look up to the people in the public eye, but that is clearly not the case. There are going to be some people who are put on a pedestal and then there are going to be others who are not. Another Option There are also going to be people who are able to appreciate what someone does without having the need to put them on a pedestal. In this case, they are going to realise that even though they are good at something, it doesn’t mean that they are above them. What it is likely to mean is that they have a developed a certain skill or an area of their life. It is highly unlikely that every area of their life is at the same level and even if it is, they are still human. Imperfect This is going to mean that they are imperfect like everyone one else; they will have things they like and things they don’t like about themselves. Through having this outlook, one won’t end up feeling inferior and as though they are lacking something. Just as there will be things that they can do, there are also going to be things that the people in the public eye can’t do. With this in mind, there is no need for one to elevate people who are famous. Everyday Life However, it is not just people in the public eye that someone can be put on a pedestal, this can also include the people they see each day. When this happens, one is not just going to feel inferior when it comes to celebrities; they are going to feel this way around the people they know. One may perceive members of the opposite sex as being above them or it might relate to both genders. Either way, it is going to stop them from being able to connect to others. Disconnected To feel disconnected from the people who are famous is one thing, but it is another thing altogether to feel disconnected from the people who one associates with. This is going to have an effect on their mental and emotional wellbeing. Yet, if one sees people who are famous as superior, they are likely to see the people around them in the same way. This could cause one to imagine what it would be like to be the other person and to experience life as they do. Not Enough All the time one is caught up in how good other people are, it is not going to be possible for them to embrace what is good about themselves. Although one might not be able to do what someone else can, it doesn’t mean they can’t do anything. If one sees the other person as the benchmark, it is only going to set them up to feel as though they are not good enough. There is also the chance that the reason they look up to another is because they have the potential within them to do the same thing. Waiting To Be Realised In this case, one will need to put in the work that is necessary for them to develop a certain skill or trait. It is not something that is out of their reach and impossible to achieve; it is something they can achieve if they take the right steps. But all the time one sees someone else as having something they haven’t got, it is going to be a lot harder for them to take the first step and to keep going once they have started. One needs to change how they see themselves and once this takes place, how they see others will also change. Toxic Shame When one has a tendency to idealise people who are famous and the people they associate with, it can be a sign that they are carrying toxic shame. This is going to cause one to feel as though they are worthless and less-than human. As they feel so low, it is going to be normal for them to look up to others and to feel disconnected from them. It is not just going to be a feeling though, as this will be something that permeates their whole being. Hopeless There is then the chance that one will end up feeling as though there is nothing they can do. No matter what one has achieved or what they can do, they are still going to feel the same. One can then feel hopeless by doing nothing or they can feel hopeless by becoming a human doing. External accomplishments might allow them to feel better for a short time, but they will soon return to feeling as though they are not good enough. The Cause The reason one feels as though their being is inherently flawed is likely to be the result of what took place during their childhood years. With these years being a time when one was verbally, physically, sexually and/or emotionally abused. Awareness It will be important for one to get in touch with how they feel and to tolerate their toxic shame until it has been processed. In order for one to do this, they may need the assistance of a therapist and/or a support group. They will provide the support that one needs in order to face their emotions and they will play an important part in one being able to realise there is nothing wrong with them. Another part of this process may involve grieving unmet childhood needs.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk/
Just because someone has the desire to do something, it doesn’t mean they will take action. Instead of doing what they need to do to fulfil their desire, they might end up doing nothing.
In this case, it is not going to be possible for one to move forward; they are going to stay where they are and their life could end up getting worse. One may find it hard to understand why they hold themselves back and the people around them could have the same outlook. The Other Extreme There are then going to be other people who go after what they want and don’t hold back for one second. This doesn’t mean they will always achieve what they want to achieve, but it does mean they won’t be standing still or going backwards in life. Through taking action, one will be able to move forward and to find out if they truly want what they say they want. As a result of this, one won’t be thinking about what their life would be like if they did this or that, or if they are capable of doing something or not. Momentum Each action is going to build on the other and the momentum that this creates will make it easier for them to take action. There will be moments when something doesn’t go to plan, but this won’t cause them to give up. When this happens, one is likely to use what happens as feedback to let them know whether they are on the right track or if they need to try another approach. It could be taken as a sign that they need to hang in there and to keep going. Impersonal If they were to take each setback personally, it would make it harder for them to keep going. Yet, as they realise they are only human and that it is not possible for them get everything right, it will stop them from taking each setback to heart. This is going to stop them from being weighed down by the need to get everything right and to always look good. Through having this approach, it will be easier for one to keep their head up as opposed to feeling like a failure. Value What this also shows is that their value is not based on whether they can or can’t do something, or if they get it right straight away. Their value is based on who they are and not on what they do. If this wasn’t the case and one’s value was based on what they did, they would feel the need to get everything right straight away. But no matter how competent someone is, it is not going to be possible for them to get everything right. Another Outlook When it comes to someone who stops themselves from taking action, they are going to have a different outlook to this. This may be an outlook that they are fully aware of or it may be something that they are unaware of. Either way, it is going to be something that defines their whole life and stops them from living the life they want to lead. Their fear of failure is going to stop them from taking action and as this fear is so strong, it won’t matter what they want to achieve. Point Of Focus They are not going to be focused on what they want, they are going to be focused on doing everything they can to stop themselves from failing. This could be something that takes place without one even realising what is happening. But even if one is aware of the fact they are sabotaging their life, it doesn’t mean they will do anything about it. The fear of failure could be so strong that one ends up being completely paralysed by it. Self-sabotage This doesn’t mean that one will always avoid taking action; as they could take action, but end up sabotaging themselves in the process. What this means is that one won’t go all out and put their whole heart into something. Instead of this, one may start something and end up stopping before they have finished or they may keep putting the work off until it’s too late. It could be said that this is another type of failure, but in their mind, it will be seen as a way for them to avoid failing. Self-protection This will mean that it is not going to be possible for them to achieve what they have set out to achieve, but through putting things off, they will have an excuse. If they were to stick to it, it would cause their fear of failure to arise. When this happens, one will have a reason as to why they didn’t achieve something. Yet, if they were to go all the way and fail, they wouldn’t have anything to fall back on. Fear of Failure In their mind, it is not possible for them to fail; if they fail at something, it is going to validate how they feel at a deeper level. Here, one is likely to feel a sense of worthlessness. As they feel this way on the inside, they are going to do everything they can to stop themselves from having to face how they feel. The way for them to do this is to avoid doing anything that may trigger what they have disconnected from. Toxic Shame It would be inaccurate to say that this is just about how one feels; as it is going to be a lot deeper than that. One is going to believe their whole being is inherently flawed and that there is nothing they can do about it. Toxic shame has taken over and it is no longer possible for one to see that they are enough. They will be cut off from themselves and they are going to feel as though they are different to other people. Where Did It Come From? While there is the chance that the toxic shame that is trapped in one’s body is the result of their experiences in their adulthood, it could go back even further. This will mean that their adult experiences have been a continuation of their childhood experiences. During one’s early years, they would have experienced some kind of abuse, such as: verbal, physical, sexual and/or emotional. This would have been a time where it wasn’t possible for one to question what was taking place and this would have meant that each experience was seen as a reflection of who they were. Awareness When it comes to letting go of the toxic shame that is trapped within them, it will be important for them to get in touch with their emotions. This may mean that one has to grieve their unmet childhood needs and to tolerate the shame that is within them. Through facing how they feel and allowing the emotions that are within them to be processed, they will gradually be able to let go of the emotional build up within them. This is a process that can take place with the assistance of a therapist, healer and/or a support group.
If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article, as many others have.
Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk/
If one was to hear the word ‘addiction’, there is a strong chance they would start to think about an alcoholic or a drug addict. This is not because it is impossible to be addicted to anything else; it is because of how addiction is often portrayed in today’s world.
As a result of this, it is easy for people who are hooked on these substances to feel bad and for people who are hooked on other things to feel good. One person is then seen as a problem to society and the other is seen as a vital part of society. Appearances What this comes down to is how people are generally judged by what they do and not by what is taking place within them. If it was possible to look at what is taking place within someone’s inner world, it would be harder for them to deceive others. And as people are conditioned to believe that they can only be addicted to certain things as opposed to being told that they can be addicted to anything, it means that some addicts are overlooked and others end up being demonised. This can then cause one to be fooled by someone’s behaviour or their conditioning stops them from being able to see what is actually taking place. Acceptable However, one could be in a position where they are caught up in their job and find it more or less impossible to stop working. To the outside observer, they could be classed as responsible and hard-working. In addition to this, one may end up being someone who always goes to the gym or engages in some kind of exercise. They could be seen as someone who looks after their body and other people could see them as a role model. Love One could be in a relationship and feel the need to be around the other person at all times. In their mind, this could be put down to how much they love the other person and other people could validate this outlook. If one is not in an intimate relationship (or even if they are), they could spend their whole life being absorbed in what their child or children are doing. This could mean that other people see them as the perfect parent. A Step Back However, even though each of the examples above (as well as many others) are often seen as normal, it doesn’t mean they are healthy. Ultimately, they are simply another way for someone to avoid what is taking place within them and to change how they feel in the process. Intellectually, one may deny this and come up with all kinds of reason why they do what they do. If one is addicted to something that is seen as acceptable or if the people around them support what they are doing, it could be harder for them to face reality. Disconnected On one side, one will be able to change how they feel through engaging in these things, but on the other, it is going to cause them to disconnect from how they feel. If one was to stop doing what they were doing, their feelings could end up coming to the surface once more. As one’s point of focus in on keeping their feelings at bay, it won’t matter whether their behaviour is having a negative effect on their rest of their life. What matters is feeling better now, and this means that one might not even think about what kind of consequences could arise as time passes. Numbing the Senses When it comes to fixing a car or repairing a house, one will need to be aware of what is wrong. If this awareness doesn’t exist, it is not going to be possible for them to take the necessary action. The same level of awareness is going to be needed when it comes to someone who has a mental and emotional problem. Yet, if one is running away from their pain, it is going to be a challenge for them to be aware of what is taking place within and without. Pain Based on how they feel, they are not going to be focused on becoming more aware, they will be focused on doing everything they can to remove their pain. While it would be easy to label them as weak or to say they lack self-control, this would show a lack of understanding when it comes to what they are going through. If they were to get in touch with how they feel, there is the chance that they will soon end up hitting rock bottom. Without the things that allowed them to feel elevated, one would have to face their emotional truth. Toxic Shame Once these feelings have come to the surface, one may end up feeling extremely low. What this can mean is that one is carrying toxic shame within them, and although this would have started out as a feeling, it has gone on to infiltrate their whole being. As a result of this, it is not going to be possible for one to feel as though they have worth, and they will not only feel disconnected from others, they will also feel disconnected from their own humanity. One will believe that they are flawed and there is nothing they can do about it. The Cause The reason one sees themselves in this way is likely to be the result of what happened during their childhood years. Here, one may have been neglected and, or they may have been verbally, physically, sexually and or emotionally abused. This would have been a time where one didn’t have the ability to question what was taking place and to see that the behaviour of others didn’t reflect their true worth. What it reflected was what was going on for the person or the people who abused them. Awareness In order for one to let of the toxic shame that is trapped within them, it will be important for them to grieve their unmet childhood needs and to tolerate the shame that comes up during this process. This is something that can take place with the assistance of a therapist, healer and /or a support group.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk/
There are times in life where it will be important for one to be serious and then there will be times when this is not the case. If one was to come across as one way all the time, they are going to be out of balance.
However, this doesn’t mean that one is going to spend half of each day being serious and the other half being unserious. It will all depend on what is taking place in their life and how one needs to respond to what is occurring. A Choice When one has the ability to utilise both options, it is going to allow them to respond in the right way. If, on the other hand, one only had the ability to be one way, it is going to cause them to behave in the wrong way. This will also be something that other people pick up on and they will wonder why one is acting as they are. In this case, one’s behaviour won’t match up with what is taking place. Inappropriate In the eyes of others, one is going to come across as though they are unable to be serious or as though they are unable to let go and relax. This could cause other people to judge them, or they may take a different route and wonder why they are acting as they are. Yet, if one has known someone for a long time and has become accustomed to their behaviour, it could be something that they overlook. But there is also the chance that they are the same way and this may mean that their behaviour doesn’t stand out. Avoidance It could then be in their best interests to go along with how the other person is behaving; if they were to question them, they would have to look at themselves. Therefore, the other person validates how they behave and this stops them from having to change. What this means is that one is not going to be concerned about the other persons behaviour, they are going to be focused on doing everything they can to protect themselves. There is also the chance that one has friends who are the complete opposite of them. The Best Approach If one is always serious, they could end up talking about how this is the way to be and how their friend needs to stop playing around. This then causes their friend to tell them how they are too serious and how they need to relax for once. Each person is then identified with their approach, and they are unable to accept that both sides have a time and a place. Yet, until one is able to embrace both sides, they will continue to attract people who reflect their own imbalance. It looks better When it comes to what looks better, being unserious is generally going to be seen as the best option. This approach could be backed up with the fact that ‘life is short’ and ‘how we are all going to die anyway’. Along with this, human beings are programmed to seek pleasure and to avoid pain. So based on these factors (and many others), it seems logical to be happy all the time and not to get weighed down. It looks Worse Being serious, on the other hand, is generally not going to make one as appealing as they would be if they had a big smile on their face. As a result of this, it may cause other people to avoid them. This is not going to be personal though, it is going to come down to how they feel in their presence. If one ends up feeling drained when they are with someone, they are probably going to want to take a step back. A Trigger Another reason why they want to avoid being around someone like this is due to what it triggers within them. Spending time with the other person reminds them of what they have disconnected from within themselves. However, instead of one being able to own what is taking place within them, they are going to end up making the other person feel as though they are the ones with the problem. Through this, one can pretend that there is nothing wrong with them. Being Serious When one is serious, it is going to mean that they are embracing how they feel. Now, if one has disconnected from their feelings and has a lot of pain within them, it is going to be a lot harder for them to do this. In this case, being serious is going to remind one of what they avoided, and this could be overwhelming. Their need to be unserious is then a defence mechanism and something that keeps their pain at bay. Split Until one faces the pain that is within them, they are going to continue to come across as though they are out of touch with themselves. This doesn’t mean that one needs to be serious all the time, as this could a sign that one is stuck in their pain. Awareness What it comes down to is for one to have the ability to be serious and for them to be able to be unserious. In order for one to be able to embrace both sides and to be a whole human being, they may need to seek the assistance of a therapist or a healer.
If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article, as many others have.
Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk/ |
Oliver JR CooperAuthor of 26 books, Transformational Writer, Teacher & Consultant. Introductory Consultation
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Disclaimer
That which is contained within these articles is based on my own empirical understanding and is true for me at the time they were written. However, as I continue to grow, what I perceive as the truth will inevitably change and as a result of this - parts of these articles may not reflect my current outlook.
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