If one is going through an emotionally challenging time in their life, they may find that they have started to shut down. Their engine will still be running, but it won’t be running on all cylinders, so to speak.
During this time, it is not going to be their intention for this to take place; their primary concern is likely to be for their life to get easier. And through gradually disconnecting from how they feel; it will be possible for them to experience less pain. An Unconscious Process Now, while this is something that can take place consciously, it doesn’t mean that this is something that always occurs. There is a strong chance that one is not fully aware of what is taking place. Their point of focus is likely to be on what is currently taking place in their life and not on what consequences may arise in the future. This is then similar to what would happen if one was extremely hungry; they can eat whatever is available as opposed to what would be good for them. Offline Through being in so much pain, it can mean that they are unable to think clearly. In fact, this part of them could be offline and it is then going to be normal for them to overlook the future. When one takes this approach, it can also be a sign that one doesn’t have a healthy relationship with their emotions. And as a result of this, it stops them from reaching out for the support they need. Caught Up But if this is not the case, there is the chance that one has a lot going on in their life and this then stops them from taking the time they need to face how they feel. Perhaps one is not the only one who is going through a tough time and they end up focusing on someone else. Or one could be in a position where their job takes a lot form them and this stops them from having the time to do anything else. The sheer pace of their career allows them to carry on as if nothing has happened. Friends and Family However, even if one does have people around them during this time, it doesn’t mean that they will give them the support they need. They could also have the tendency to deny how they feel, or they could be completely disconnected from their emotions. As a result of this, they might tell one to stay strong or to simply ‘let go’ of what has taken place, among other things. Through being in this kind of environment, there will be no reason for them to behave differently. Not a Surprise If this is the case, it would be easy to say that one is surrounded by the wrong kind of people and at the same time, it could be said that this is a common occurrence. Now, this is not to say that this means that one should overlook who is in their life; what it emphasises is how emotions are typically dealt with in today’s world. During ones time in the education system, for instance, they are unlikely to gain a deeper understanding of this part of themselves. So unless their childhood was a time where their emotions were acknowledged and they were shown how to deal with them, it is not going to be a surprise for one to have trouble with them as an adult. External Support But if one was to reach out for support as an adult, they could end up going to see their doctor. This could then be a time one will end up being referred to a therapist, but at the same time this might not be the case. Instead, one could end up being put on antidepressants and this is then going to stop them from gaining a deeper understanding of themselves. Along with this, they won’t be able to develop emotional strength either. As Time Passes If one was to take this route, they could end up becoming numb and then as time passes, they could end up feeling even worse. This may allow them to carry on with their life, but it could have a negative effect on their relationships. Yet even if one doesn’t take this route and just ends up losing touch with how they feel, it doesn’t mean that they won’t end up experiencing other challenges. For one thing, there is the chance that they will end up living on the surface of themselves. Relationships And just like ones relationships could be affected if they started taking things, they could also be affected if they end up disconnecting from themselves. When it comes to their surface level relationships, they could be fine; but this might be the case when it comes to the deeper connections they have. Through being out of touch with how they feel it can then be a challenge for them to tune into other peoples emotional states. So instead of being able to empathise with others, they can end up coming across as cold or indifferent. Two Outcomes This can then have a negative effect on their existing relationships and it can stop them from being able to developing new connections with others. The people around them may soon notice that something isn’t right. Yet although one could end up disconnecting from how they feel in their adult years, this may have also been something that took place during their childhood years. This will then be how they have been for most of their life and the people they spend their time with will be a reflection of what could be described as their ‘false-self’. Awareness Their inability to empathise will be way for them to avoid their own pain and until they process what has built-up within them, this is something that is unlikely to change. If one can relate to this and they want their life to change, it might be necessary for them to reach out for assistance. This can be provided by a therapist and/or a support group.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk/
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On one hand, one can have relationships with others that are deep, and on the other hand, they can have ones that are shallow. When it comes to the later, this could relate to the people they see at work or on the odd occasion, for instance.
And when it comes to the former, it could relate to the people they see on a regular basis and their family, for instance. Having said that, one could be in a position where they experience a deeper connection with the people they work with and at the same time; they might not be very close to their family. Another Option However, this might not be the case either and one might not experience a deeper connection with anyone. There is then a strong chance that their life is not going to be as fulfilling as it could be. It won’t matter how successful they are in their career, as this is not going to make up for what is missing in another area of their life. But when one doesn’t realise that they can’t use their career to meet this need, they can end up putting all their energy into this area. The Illusion At a deeper level, they can believe that the success they experience in this area of their life will make up for what is not taking place in the other areas of their life. And while there is the chance that it will fulfil a number of their needs, it won’t meet all of them. So although one can realise what is taking place after a while; they could end up ignoring anything that goes against what they believe. In the short-term, this may allow them to avoid pain; but the longer they ignore what is taking place within them, the harder their life will become. A Deeper Connection Alternatively, when one has a deeper connection with the people in their life, they might not have the same amount of drive. And this is because they won’t be trying to compensate for something that is missing. Yet if they do have a strong drive, it can mean that they are not using their career to avoid feeling lonely, for instance. During their time with someone they are close to, there will be what one shares and there will be what the other person shares. Two Ways As a result of this, it will be a relationship that is based on a give and take as opposed to one that is one-sided. This doesn’t mean that each interaction they have will be in balance; what it means is that each person’s needs will be met. Another way of looking at this would be to say that it will be an adult to adult relationship and not a parent child relationship. This wouldn’t be the case if one was always taking the time to be there for another but they were unable to be there for them, or if one always received and didn’t bother to give. Listening One of their friends could get in touch with them and they could arrange to meet for a coffee, for instance, and this could then be a time where they want to talk about what has been taking place in their life. Perhaps they are going through a challenging time at work or they might have trouble with their relationship. Either way, it will be important for one to listen to what is being said, as this will show that they respect them. This could be a time where they are just looking to express what is taking place in their life or they may want one to offer their advice. Another Part And when one is listening to what is being said, they could also put themselves in the other persons shoes, so to speak. During this time, one can tune into the other persons experience and this will allow them to get a better understanding of what they are going through. Along with this, one will also care about what the other person is going through, and this is likely to be something that the other person will pick up on. They can end up feeling as though they can trust them and this will enable them to feel comfortable. Another Scenario Through feeling comfortable, there can no reason for them to hold anything back and this will have a positive effect on their relationship. There can then be the chance that the other person will want to return the favour. This can also take place when one is in a romantic relationship with someone, and there can be a greater chance that the other person will open up to them. One could be in the early stages of a relationship and their partner could talk about how they feel or what they have been through in their life. One Option Now, if one was to tune into the other persons experience and encouraged them to express themselves, they will be showing the other person that they care about them. Their need to judge is put to one side and they are listening with their heart. Their relationship can then go to a deeper level and one will be showing their partner that there is no need for them to hold anything back. And as long as the other person has this ability, this will be an experience that one will also have. Another Option However, if their partner was to open up and one had no interest in what is taking place for them, it is unlikely to have a positive effect on the relationship. This could then cause them to come to the conclusion that one doesn’t care about them and they may feel the need to hide their true feelings. One could show their disinterest by walking away, changing the subject or by simply talking over them. It then won’t be possible for a deeper connection to form and the relationship could soon come to an end. Awareness There can be a number of reasons as to why one is unable to empathise with another person, and one thing it can show is that one is carrying a lot of emotional pain. Therefore, if they were to get in touch with how another person feels, it would cause them to embrace how they feel. So until they are willing to process their own pain, it is not going to be possible for them to be a whole human being. If one can relate to this and they want to change their life, it will be important for them to reach out for external support. This can be provided by a therapist and/or a support group.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk/
If one was go shopping, they could end up trying a number of different things on, and while some of these items may be a good fit; there could be others that are not. When something fits them, they are going to feel comfortable; whereas when this is not the case, they are going to feel uncomfortable.
Not only will they feel uncomfortable if they are wearing something that doesn’t fit; they could also feel trapped. Thus, the ideal will be for them to buy clothes that fit them and to avoid the ones that don’t. Relationships This is then similar to how it will be important for one to have relationships with others that are also the right fit, so to speak. Through being in this position, one will be able to feel comfortable and free. But if this is not to the case, they can end up feeling uncomfortable and as though their freedom has been taken away. So just like when it comes to buying clothes, the former is going to be a lot better than the later. A Choice Yet although one is likely to believe that they have a choice when it comes to what clothes they wear; this might not be the case when it comes to the kinds of relationships they have. Based on how they experience life, this could be seen as an area of their life that is out of their control. Still, if one is in a position where their relationships are fulfilling, they might not even think about whether they have control. This part of their life will be going in the right direction and they won’t need to go any deeper. Another Experience Having a sense of control when it comes to their relationships will just be part of life and the only thing they have known. At the same time, if one does think about how they have control, it could be a sign that their life hasn’t always been this way. Perhaps one used to be in a position where their relationships weren’t very fulfilling and through reaching out for support, they were able to change their circumstances. This area of their life is then going to be radically different to how it used to be. Every Area And through having fulfilling relationships, every other area of one’s life is likely to be enhanced. Therefore, when one’s relationships are not how they would like them to be, it can make it harder for them to handle other areas of their life. So the sooner they do something about what is taking place, the sooner their experience on this earth will improve. But unless they realise that their life can be different, they will continue to suffer unnecessarily. Part of Life When it comes to the reason why their relationships are not very fulfilling, it could be because they spend time with people who are overbearing. Being around these kinds of people will then be similar to how they would feel if they were to wear something that is too tight. They will lose the ability to express themselves through being in their presence and it will then be normal for them to play a role. This could then mean that they will be in touch with their true-self from time to time or they may have completely disconnected from it. Overbearing One way of looking at this would be to say that one won’t feel as though they have their own personal space; they will feel as though the other person is walking all over them. As far as the other person is concerned, one will be nothing more than an extension of themselves. Through having this outlook, it is then going to be normal for them to overlook the fact that one is a separate individual. Now, this is not to say that they are consciously aware of this, as it could be something that takes place unconsciously. Two Levels One side, there will be how one feels in their presence, and on the other side, there will be what the other person does. The reason one will feel overwhelmed when they are around them is partly going to come down to the fact that they lack boundaries. This is the reason why they see one as an extension of themselves and are therefore unable to respect their personal space. There will then be what the other person does and the kinds of things they say. A Deeper Look The people one spends their time with are not going to be the only ones who lack boundaries, as one is also likely to lack boundaries. This then causes them to be wide open and it won’t be possible for them to protect themselves. And the reason why they were attracted to someone like this in the first place is also likely to be due to the same reason. So in order for one to put an end to what is taking place, it will be important for them to develop a strong sense of self. Early Years If one was to reflect on what took place during their childhood years, they may find that one of their caregivers walked over them. This would have been a time where one wouldn’t have been able to do anything about what was taking place. It could then have been a choice between being walked over or abandoned, and to be abandoned at this age would have been overwhelming. So even though time has passed, one can still feel the same and putting up with people who are overbearing can be a way for them to avoid feeling abandoned. Awareness Along with the fear of being abandoned, one can also feel as though they deserve to put up with people that are overbearing. However, this doesn’t reflect their true nature and this is why they can experience life differently. This is something that can take place with the assistance of a therapist and/or a support group.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk/
If someone was to take a dog for a walk and they were told to keep it under control, they are unlikely to think that there is anything wrong with what they are being told. However, if they were in a relationship and one their friends told them to control their partner, this might not be the case.
What this comes down to is that there is a time and a place for it and this is something that can be said for most things in life. For example, if one was to hit another person in self-defence, it would be completely different to hitting someone for no reason. Context Therefore, there are many factors involved, and if this is not taken into account, it would be easy to say that something is either right or wrong. To have this outlook would also be the same as saying life is black or white and that there is no grey. So in order to understand something, it is going to be important to look at the context; from here, it will be a lot easier to come to the right conclusion. But even though this is the case, it doesn’t mean that everyone is going to take this approach. One-Sided This can then cause them to believe that life is either black or white, and not only is this going to affect on their own life; it is also going to affect the people they come into contact with. One thing this can do is stopped one from having to think, and this is because there will only ever be two options. Whereas if they were to realise that life is rarely this simple; they would need to use a lot more energy. During this time, they would think about the kinds of things that can be found in-between the two extremes. Effort Now, if one was to do this instead of operating from one side of the spectrum or the other, their world would open up. So even though they would use energy through doing this, their life would be far more rewarding. On one side, there is the chance that they would experience more pain, but on the other side, this would be backed up by more pleasure. The reason for this is that one won’t be living on the surface of life; they will be able to embrace it. The Grey When one doesn’t say that something is either or black or white and allows themselves to go deeper into what is taking place, they won’t be on the sidelines. If on the other hand, they were to just label something, it would stop them from having to go any deeper. Thus, the amount of pleasure or pain they experience is going to be set at a certain point, and this can be a way to protect themselves from what might appear if they were to go deeper. In this case, it could be said that it takes mental and emotional strength to be able to take a deeper look at life. Tolerating Pain Without the ability to tolerate mental and emotional pain and to let go of the need to be right, it is to be expected that one wouldn’t be able to see life differently. There is then the chance that they have always been this way, and unless they realise what is taking place; they might stay this way. Still, even if one does see life in this, there is still the chance that they have had moments in their life where they have experienced control and moments where others have tried to control them. It could take a while for them to get in touch with these situations, or they might appear almost straight away. Experiences If they were to get in touch with a moment where someone has tried to control them, it could relate to how they spoke to them and or to something they did. This could also be a moment where they were controlled. Perhaps one was in a relationship with this person or it could have been something that took place when they were at work, for instance. The words that someone used or the actions they took may have been overly abusive or it could relate to something that was far more subtle. Shame When the latter takes place, someone can use words, facial expression and actions in order to make another person feel bad about themselves. Of course, this is also something that can take place directly. Through making them feel bad about thesmevles, it will then be a lot easier for them to get one to do something. And when this doesn’t happen straight away, they can end up doing the same thing (or other things), in order to gradually where one down. Examples One way this can take place is by using labels, as this will cause one to feel as though they are bad. This will then shut them down and they will no longer be able to express themselves. Alternatively, someone could talk about one’s appearance and act as though there is something wrong with how they look. Through being treated in this way, one can end up believing there is something inherently wrong with them, and this will then make it harder for them to be themselves. Disconnection When one is overwhelmed with shame, they will feel as though they are separate from others, and this is going to be an experience that one is naturally going to want to avoid. Therefore, to avoid feeling this way one can end up doing what someone wants them to do in order to belong. Awareness This is not to say that everyone will respond in the same way to being shamed, as there will be people who are able to stand their ground. What this can all depend on is what is taking place within them and the kind of support they have around them. When one is in a position where they are already carrying toxic shame, it will be a lot easier for someone to control them. The reason they feel this way could be due to what took place during their childhood. If one can relate to this and they no longer want to experience life in this way, it will be important for them to reach out for support. This is something that can be provided by a therapist and/or a support group.
If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article, as many others have.
Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk/
There can be times when someone has too much of something and times when they don’t have enough. It is often said that when one wants something it is never there and yet when they don’t want it, it ends up appearing.
However, while this can relate to something physical, it is also something that can relate to one’s personality. For example, one can be in a position where they have come to the conclusion that they are out of balance. The Reason This could be a sign that one has reflected on their own behaviour, or it could be the result of what other people have said to them. At the same time, both of these factors may have had an influence. Perhaps one has had this outlook for a number of days or it may have been something they have had for a number of years. Still, there is going to be a strong chance that they want to do something about it and not just carry on as they are. Empathy If one was to think about what is causing them to suffer, they may find that it is to do with their ability to experience other people’s emotional states. Therefore, something that should enhance their life is having the opposite effect. And the reason it is having a negative effect on their life is likely to come down to the fact that it is something that causes them to be overwhelmed. It is then not a case of simply tuning into another person’s emotional state and then tuning out; it is something that takes over their whole being. The Other Extreme How they experience life is then going to be completely different to someone that doesn’t have the ability to empathise with others or is only able to do this at certain times. If anything, it could be said that it would be a good idea for them to work on their ability to tune into other people’s emotional states. It might be then normal for them to be told that they are cold, or that they appear to be lacking something. Yet regardless of the kind of feedback that they get from others, they are not going to be overwhelmed by how other people feel. In The Middle There are then going to be people who have the ability to tune into other people’s emotional states without being overwhelmed. Now, this is not to say that this will always be the way; but it is likely to be what generally takes place. Through being this way, having the ability to empathise will be something that has a positive effect on their life. Their relationships are likely to be more fulfilling than they would be if they didn’t have this ability, and it will be a lot easier for them to experience intimacy. A Way of Life When one experiences too much empathy, it will be normal for them to lose touch with how they feel. In fact, they might find it hard to work out whether how they feel relates to their own emotional state or someone else’s. To experience life in this way is going to be incredible draining, and one may feel the need to spend a lot of time by themselves. Through doing this, it may allow them to settle themselves down. Day To Day Life On one hand, there will be the challenges that they have in their personal relationships, and on the other hand, there will be what takes place in their day to day life. When they spend time with their friends and family, for instance, they could end up been drawn into their experience. Yet this is something that could take place whilst they are at work or if they were to go shopping. Thus, being around others is going to be something that takes a lot from them. A Common Dynamic If they were to have intimate relationships with others, they may find that they end up with people that don’t have the same amount of empathy as they do. In fact, they may attract people who are unable to experience empathy. These people are then going to be a complete mismatch, and one is going to give far more than they receive. These could be the kinds of relationships that are typically seen as being abusive. Needs So as their point of awareness is generally going to be on how other people feel, it is going to be a challenge for them to get their needs met. But as they are so caught up in other people, they might not even know what their needs are. One way of looking at this would to say that even though they are physically separate from others, it is still not possible for them to have their own experience. They feel wide open and unless this changes, they will continue to soak up what is taking place around them. Boundaries It could be said that one is sensitive and this is something that they have to put up with, and while this could be the case, there could be more to it. What it could come down to is that one is boundaryless, and this is then why they absorb so much. This is because boundaries not only allow one to say no and to stand their ground for instance, they also allow them to feel safe and protected on an energetic level. But if one has experienced life in this way for as long as they can remember, they won’t realise that they are boundaryless; it will simply be what is normal. Childhood During their childhood years, they may have had a caregiver that abused them or got too close to them. Ultimately, their personal space wouldn’t have been respected and this stopped them from being able to develop boundaries. Awareness If one can relate to this and they want to move forward, it might be necessary for them to reach out for external support. This can be provided by a therapist and/or a support group.
If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article, as many others have.
Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk/
While there are some people who find it easy to empathise with others, there others who are not in the same position. What this shows is that although everyone is a human being, it doesn’t mean that they operate in the same way.
Still, it could be said that this is not the only difference, as there are differences when it comes to how people look. However, regardless of what someone looks like on the outside, it is not always as easy to realise that they are different on the inside. At A Distance If one was to meet someone on a night out or whilst they were on holiday, for instance, they might not be able to work out if they are able to empathise. In fact, this might be the last thing on their mind, and it might not matter either way. That could then be the only time one comes into contact with them and they will then carry on with the rest of their life. On the other hand, when one spends a certain amount of time with someone they will have the chance to see whether they have the ability to empathise. Close Up This can be something that takes place when one is at work or in a relationship with someone. Through the time that they spend in their company, they will be able to see how they respond to life. But even if one doesn’t focus on how someone behaves, it doesn’t mean that they won’t pick up on what is taking place. The reason for this is that one can unconsciously absorb what is taking place. Two Ways If one does think about another person’s behaviour, it will show that they are consciously aware of how they respond to life. One may find that they are drawn to them or they might feel the need to keep their distance. When one doesn’t think about another person’s behaviour, it is still going to have an effect on them. In this case, one will either be drawn towards them or they won’t, and this can take place without them thinking about why this is. A Match One could find that they are drawn to people that have empathy and that they are repelled by people that don’t. There is then a strong chance that they have the ability to empathise with others. If, on the other hand, one is drawn to people that don’t have empathy, it could be a sign that they are in the same position. But while this can be the case, there are always exceptions, and this is why it is not always going to be this black and white. A Mismatch Therefore, one could find that even though they have the ability to empathise with others, they are still drawn to people that are unable to do so. And even if one doesn’t have the ability to empathise with others, they may also be drawn to people that can. There is also the chance that it isn’t this extreme, and this could mean that one can have more empathy than the people they spend their time with. Or they can spend their time with people that have more empathy than they do. The Ideal It could be said that the ideal will be for one to be in a position where they have the ability to empathise with others. Through having this ability, they will be able to put themselves in another person’s shoes, so to speak. This is then going to be something that will have a positive effect on their relationships and it will be a lot easier for them to experience intimacy. Ultimately, they will be able to understand another person’s point of view and this is going to be a real asset. The Opposite If one is unable to empathise with others, they are going to be in a position where they don’t have the ability to put themselves in another person’s shoes. And while they may still have relationships with others; it is likely to be a challenge for them to experience intimacy. It would then be easy to say that not only is better for someone to have empathy; but that the more they have, the better their life will be. There will also be the effect that their behaviour has on the people around them and the world at large. Another Angle However, while having the ability to put oneself in the shoes of another can be seen as something positive, it doesn’t mean that this is always the case. What it will come down to is how one uses their ability to empathise. If one allows their heart to direct them and their mind is put to one side, it can cause them to do more harm than good. One on hand, they can end up harming themselves, and on the other hand, they can end up harming another. Contained Empathy For example, if one has the tendency to take on another person’s emotional state, they are going to be used to feeling drained. So instead of being able to tune into how another person’s feels and to maintain their sense of self; they will end up being sucked into their reality. As a result of this, one will lose the ability to think clearly and they will end up in the same position as the other person. What this shows is how important it is for one to have the ability to contain their empathy as opposed to being controlled by it. Caught Up Also, when one is empathising with another and they are caught up in their emotional experience, their actions can be defined by their need to feel better. This can then stop them from looking into what would be the best action to take. And while this might have a positive effect on another, it could also make the situation even worse. But if one is caught up in their need to feel better, they won’t be able to put their heart to one side and to think clearly. Awareness One way of looking at this would be to say that this shows how important it is for one to be an integrated human being. When each part of them is working together, it will be a lot easier for them to function. If one finds it hard to maintain their sense of self when they experience empathy, it can be a sign that they need to develop boundaries. This can take place with the assistance of a therapist and/or a support group. And if one finds that they tend to help others as a way to change how they feel, they may also benefit through seeking external support. This may be a sign that the need to develop emotional strength.
If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article, as many others have.
Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk/
It has been said that everyone on this planet is a teacher on one hand and student on the other. Based on this, it is a two way process, and if one doesn’t have this outlook, they are likely to be out of balance.
In this case, one could believe that other people are here to learn from them or they could believe that they have nothing to offer the world. Therefore, one could see themselves as being above their fellow human beings or they could see themselves as being below them. Balance The ideal will be for one to have a balanced perspective, as this will allow them to be at the same level. Now, this is not to say that one will learn something from someone else and then they will learn something from them, as it won’t be this black and white. What it is likely to come down to is that over the course of their life, they will have taken in information from others and other people will have taken information in from them. At times one may realise that they are learning something and at other times they might not. Facing Reality But regardless of how often one learns something from others; they are not going to act as though they have more to give than other people do. And through having this outlook, there is the chance that it will be a lot easier for them to grow and develop. It then won’t matter what their profession is, as their mind will be open, so to speak. This is not to say that other people will always notice this, and this is because they could hold a certain position in society. From The Outside For example, one could be a teacher and there could then be a number of people who see them as having all the answers. In their eyes, other people are there to learn from them and not the other way around. When it comes to what these people are learning about, one is likely to have a deep understanding; but this doesn’t mean that they know everything. So through being caught up in what one does know it can then stop them from seeing that they are only human. Natural One way of looking at this would be to say that this is simply part of being human. When someone admires another, they can end up putting them on a pedestal, and then as time passes; they can gradually come to see that they don’t know everything. This is something that can take place when someone hasn’t developed certain parts of themselves; the parts of themselves that are waiting to be developed end up being projected onto the teacher (or anyone else for that matter). When someone comes back down to earth they could realise what has taken place, or they could end up feeling betrayed and direct their pain outwards, for instance. Part of Life However, no matter how much one knows, they will know how important it is to keep their feet on the floor. Learning will be similar to eating, in as much as it will be something that takes place every day. And through being in a position where they know that they have something to offer the world, it is likely to have a positive effect on how they feel about themselves. Whereas if one believed that they had nothing to offer, this might not be the case. One Option One way of looking at this would be to say that one doesn’t value themselves, and this then sets them up to have an inaccurate outlook. Not only does this stop them from having a functional idea of themselves; it also causes them to have a dysfunctional view of others. This shows that one is not resisting what is taking place within them and that it is defining their life. One option would be for them to reach out for support and through receiving this support, they will gradually realise that what is taking place within them doesn’t reflect their true nature. The Result After this has occurred, one will see that they do have something to offer the world, and this may mean that they end up becoming a teacher. One could teach at a school or a college, or they could teach through giving talks or running a class, for instance, What this shows is that one can take a more traditional path or they can carve out their own path. Having said that, one might night not want to become a teacher, and they may prefer to share what they know in other ways. Another Route At the same time, even though one doesn’t value themselves it doesn’t mean that they won’t resist how they feel. And if this was to take place, one could end up going to the other extreme and feel as though they have more to offer than anyone else. Through having this outlook one may end up being drawn to teaching, and this can be seen as a way for them to get the appreciation they deserve. In this kind of environment other people are likely to look up to them, and one may believe that this is how other people should respond towards them. Teaching On one hand, this could mean that they will end up working at a school or a college, and on the other hand, this can mean that they will run workshops or teach on a one-to-one basis. In fact, one could end up doing a number of things and this will allow them to receive a steady flow of validation. The majority of people they come across will be their students and this will put them in a position of power. But even when they spend time with their friends or family, for instance, they could still act like a teacher. Toxic Shame When one experiences life in this way, it is likely to be a sign that they are out of touch with their healthy shame. Whereas the toxic shame that is within them is defining their life and until this changes, it is not going to be possible for them to realise they are no better or worse than anyone else. What this can show is that there was a time in their life where they experienced some kind of abuse and/or neglect. These experiences would have caused them to feel worthless and as way to avoid feeling this way, they ended up developing a false-self. Awareness If one was to deal with what is taking place within them it doesn’t necessarily mean that they will no longer teach; what it can mean is that they will no longer see themselves superior and their personal relationships could also change. So instead of spending time with people who are like their children, they may prefer to spend time with people who are at the same level, so to speak. One way for them to move forward will be to work with a therapist and/or a support group.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk/
If one wanted to learn about something, they could read a book or search the internet. Along with this, they could also end up signing up for some kind of course online or in the real world.
It could be said that this is something that will all depend on what it is that they want to learn and how committed they are to learning about it. For example, if one wanted to learn about the history of a sports team, they would be able to do this by going online. Another Example On the other hand, if one is in a position where they want to learn about computers, they might end up signing up for a course. This is not to say that they can’t do this through searching the internet; what it partly comes down to is that this will allow them to learn in a structured way. Still, one might prefer to learn at their own pace and there may then no reason for them to take part in a course. This is likely to be a sign that one is not only driven, but that they have the ability to think for themselves. Critical Thinking As if one didn’t have the ability to question what they learn, it could cause them to go down the wrong path, so to speak. Thus, having this ability will allow them to filter out what is no good and to accept what is. This doesn’t mean that they are perfect, or that they will always get everything right; what it means is that they won’t accept everything they come across. And as there is so much information out there, it is an important ability to possess. A Course However, even if one has the ability to think critically, they could still take part in a course. This will partly come down to the fact that they may want to work in a profession that requires certain qualifications. Therefore, the only way for them to move forward with their life will be to go to college or university (or to take part in a course online, for instance). This can be the case if one wanted to become a nurse or a teacher. Another Way to Learn So while one can learn through the effort that they put in, they can also learn without putting any effort in. When this takes place, it can be something that happens when one is around other people. For example, one could go out for a drink with a friend or a family member and they could talk about their own interests. Or they could simply talk about their job or what they are currently studying. Curious If one is curious about the people and the world, they will be in a position where they are always learning. It then won’t matter what they hear about, as there is the chance that they will be only too happy to listen. Yet one doesn’t need to be highly curious in order to learn about things when they are around others. Thus, even if they were to listen to some of the things they hear and too ignore others, they could still learn a lot. Advice However, while one can learn through listening to what other people have to say; they can also learn by asking people for advice. This can range from asking about something that is extremely important, to asking about something that is fairly trivial. One could end up asking someone because they have an understanding of what they want to know about, or it could just be a sign that they trust them. In this case, one will be happy to hear their feedback. The Other Side Along with this, one could also receive advice without asking for it, and this means that they might not be happy to hear it. One could have a friend or a family member who is always giving out advice. At the same time, this could also be something that they experience when they are work. If one had this experience on the odd occasion, they might be able to overlook has has taken place; but when it happens on a regular basis, it is likely to cause one to feel frustrated and even angry. Unsolicited Advice When someone has the tendency to behave in this way, it could be said that they believe that they always know what’s best. It’s as though they have a perspective that other people don’t have. They have then elevated themselves to the position of a teacher, and everyone that they come across is one of their students. And through having this outlook, it is likely to have a positive effect on how they feel about themselves. Incapable So when someone else is going through a hard time or just doesn’t know what to do about something, it is likely to be taken as a sign that it’s because they are incapable. It will then be normal for them to give others advice that they haven’t asked for. Now, if they saw other people as their fellow human beings and not as people that need to be saved or rescued, there would be no reason for them to behave in this way. What would also play a part in this is of they had boundaries, as this would allow them to respect other peoples personal space. A Deeper Look If one was to look at their behaviour, it would be easy to say that they are better than others, and this is because they always have the answers. Yet if one was to take a deeper look, they may find that this nothing more than a cover up. There is the chance that they are the ones who feel incapable, and acting as though they are better than others allows them to avoid how they feel at a deeper level. Their identity they have formed is then nothing more than a false-self. Toxic Shame If they were to embrace their true feelings, they might end up feeling completely worthless, and this could mean that they are carrying toxic shame. Perhaps there was a time in their life where they were made to feel as though there was something inherently wrong with them. During this time, they may have experienced some kind of abuse and/or neglect. But regardless of what took place, it would have been too painful for them to face what was taking place and this would then have caused them to disconnect from what was taking place within them. Awareness Although this would have allowed them to feel better about themselves, it would have also caused them to disconnect from their healthy shame. Without this, it won’t be possible for them to realise that they are not perfect, among other things. If someone can relate to this and they want to get back in touch with their true-self, it might be necessary for them to reach out for external support; this can be provided by a therapist and/or a support group.
If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article, as many others have.
Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk/
Not only has the internet changed how people communicate with their friends and family, it has also changed how they connect with their clients. In the past, someone may have promoted their business through advertising in a paper and/or a magazine, by giving out business cards and even attending certain networking events.
And while these past methods still prove to be useful, nowadays, many individuals use the internet to gain the exposure that they need, which can make it is a lot easier for them to have their own business. The Right Clients One of the main reasons it’s easier for coaches to gain the exposure they need online is because they can target the right people, which can easily be done through using social media. Groups of people that are interested in specific topics related to life coaching are literally at your fingertips and can be found by simply typing in a few select keywords. A good way to start would be asking colleagues and clients what groups they are part of or by using Facebook’s “suggested groups” feature. When it comes to targeting the right people on social media, coaches can tailor their message to a specific group by creating an advertisement. One option is to create an ad through Facebook, as it allows you to specify your target audience, choose an objective for your social media campaign and even choose your budget. However, with a little research and effort on your part, paying for ads isn’t necessary. Find Your Niche Reaching the right people is ideal for someone who is looking to attract coaching clients because, while some coaches may think that attracting a variety of clientele is ideal for growing their business, the opposite is actually true. As a coach, it is important to specialize in certain areas and focus your expertise on a specific group of individuals. Now, this is not to say that someone just doesn’t want to work with certain people; what it could mean is that they prefer to work with people who have certain challenges that they feel they have more experience in. This could be due to what the coach has been through in life, among other things. A Platform Having a business page on social media makes it easier for coaches to stay in touch with clients and interact with other who may be looking for a coach. It is also a great place for coaches to promote their blog, share information that clients may find useful and in turn, expand their reach. While some people might not be interested in the coaching services on offer, there will be others who will ‘like’ their page. It also creates a platform for a coaches former or existing clients to comment on their experience with you as a coach. Therefore, through having their own page on social media, it will give them the opportunity to stay in contact with people who they could soon be working with. They can encourage these people to engage with them through asking them questions and by sharing a blog post, for instance. A Relationship Someone may also prefer to send them a message instead of commenting on something they share. And it could be said that this is to be expected; especially if they don’t want to share every aspect of their life online. When a coach shares an update, responds to a comment or replies to a message, they are going to be developing relationships with people. By putting in this effort and staying connected with those that visit their page, the coach shows potential clients that they are reliable. This comes down to the fact that people are more likely to work with someone who has an interest in what they have to say. Another thing that will also be important is for them to believe that the person they are talking to can make a difference to their life. Using Video What can also allow someone to communicate this is through creating videos and sharing them on their page. A video is likely to have a far greater impact than a status, and when it comes to people that they haven’t met, it will give them the chance to create a stronger connection with them. Based on my experience, I believe that some people feel as though it is more personal when they send me a message on social media as opposed to an email. They can see my profile picture, my videos and what I share, and so it can be the easiest option. And when I share an article, it is often more common for people to comment under the link than to comment under the article. Once again I think this comes down to that fact that it is easier for people to do this. A Process In general, I share something about three times a day, and will also use this time to reply to any comments or messages I may have. There are certain people who I talk to on a regular basis and there are others who I might not hear from again. In my eyes, this shows that people have different reasons for reaching out, and through having this outlook, it stops me from getting attached to a certain outcome. This then allows me to stay focused on my own vision. Like most things in life, this is a process, and as long as someone has a device that they can carry around with them, it is not going to take too much effort for them to stay in contact with the people on their page.
If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article, as many others have.
Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk/
While some people end up in relationships that have a positive effect on their life, there are others that don’t. And while this can mean that they are used to being with people who are not a good match, this could be an understatement.
Instead, they could find that they end up with people who are abusive, and this is going to be something that they can’t simply ignore. Now, this is not to say that one could overlook being with people who are not suitable for them. The Difference What this comes to is that it is likely to be harder for one to handle being with people who are abusive than it would be for them to be with people who they are not compatible with. In both cases one will experience pain, but the pain they experience will be different. However, unless one has been in both scenarios, they are unlikely to realise that there is a difference. One could then continually attract people who are not right for them and this could seem as bad as it could get. One Experience Yet if this is the only experience they have had, it could be said that it is to be expected. Their experience could be compared with the kinds of relationships their friends have, and these people could be in fulfilling relationships. There is also the chance that they have had at least one relationship that was fulfilling, and this will give them another experience to compare their life with. This could all change, of course, if one was to come into contact with some on who is used to being abused. Reflection Upon hearing about what someone else is going through, one might come to believe that there life is not that bad. They could then end up feeling guilty for being unhappy with their life. Still, if this was to take place it could be said that one doesn’t value themselves, as there is no reason why they should feel this way. One simply wants to live a fulfilling life and there is nothing wrong with that. Reality At the same time, one could end up empathising with the other person but that could be as far as it goes. One will then see it as how the other person is experiencing life and there will be no need for them to feel guilty for wanting to change their life. This will then mean that one will continue to look for answers and they won’t allow another person’s experience to hold them back. But if one is used to attracting people who are abusive, they might be only too happy to be with people who they are not compatible with. A Relief While being in this position will be frustrating to someone who is used to it; it could be a welcome relief to someone who isn’t. On one hand, it won’t allow them to have fulfilling relationships, but on the other hand, they would no longer be abused. Still, their outlook could soon change if this was to take place, and this is a partly because they would realise that their life can be different. Whereas before their life changed, they would have had a radically different outlook. Current Situation Nevertheless, when one is in a position where they always end up in abusive relationships, they are unlikely to feel as though their life can be any different. It could be normal for them to feel as though they have no control over their life. So when they do come across people that experience life differently; they could come to the conclusion that they are different. These people have then got something that they don’t posses. A Victim Another way of looking at this would be to say that one may see themselves as nothing more than a victim. Other people have the ability to do whatever they want to them and there is nothing they can do about it. Therefore, one is completely powerless, and the only way their life will change is if other people change. This could also mean that one believes that they need someone to come and rescue them. Normal Yet if one experiences life in this way, it is to be expected that they would look towards others to change their life. What this will show is that one is not aware of the part that they are playing in what is taking place. As a result of this, it sets them up create a life where they believe that they have no effect on what is taking place. And if one has this outlook, it is likely to be a sign that there was time in their life when they had no control. The Beginning During the start of their life, they may have been brought up by a caregiver that was abusive. At this age, it wouldn’t have been possible for them to do anything about what was taking place. This then ended up becoming their identity, and while they no longer look the same; they still have the same perspective. Being treated badly will be what is familiar to them and even though it is causing them harm, it will be what feels safe at a deeper level. Awareness In order for one to no longer end up in abusive relationships, it will be important for them to reach out for external support. This can be provided by a therapist and/or a support group. Through having this support, one will gradually begin to realise that they are not victims, and while this won’t happen overnight; it will happen as long as they keep going and don’t give up.
If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article, as many others have.
Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk/ |
Oliver JR CooperAuthor of 26 books, Transformational Writer, Teacher & Consultant. Introductory Consultation
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Disclaimer
That which is contained within these articles is based on my own empirical understanding and is true for me at the time they were written. However, as I continue to grow, what I perceive as the truth will inevitably change and as a result of this - parts of these articles may not reflect my current outlook.
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