When it comes to my journey of self awareness, there are some people who stand out when I look back on where I have come from. And one of those people is Vincenzo Santiglia.
This is someone who is based in Italy and teaches around the world and offers one to one consultations.
In a previous article on influential people, I mentioned about being on a course in Antwerp, Belgium. This was in 2009 and it was here that I first came into contact with Vincenzo. This was someone who stood out and was different from all of the people that I met on the course.
He had a very peaceful and calming presence and there was a fatherly nature about him. During the course I rarely came into contact with him, but there was a time when we worked together.
And it was here that he said something that shocked and surprised me at the time. He said that I had the ability to hold the space. Now, this was someone one who could definitely hold the space and yet I found this observation hard to accept.
The Time Between
Once the course had finished and I was back in the England, I didn’t think much about what had happened. In the beginning of 2010 I came across some information regarding a new technique that Vincenzo had formed.
This was called The Now Technique. And being the curious individual that I am, I had to experience the technique for myself.
Up until this point, I had often come into contact with healing approaches that were about changing things or ones that focused on certain things. But this was a technique that didn’t focus on one thing and exclude everything else.
What mattered here was awareness and being the watcher or the silent witness. The intention was not to change or alter anything; it was simply to observe everything. This related to: thoughts feelings, emotions, images and sensations; with a focus on the breath.
And although I had had a heightened sense of awareness from a young age, I was still very much identified to my mind and had rarely been able to detach from it.
However, after working with Vincenzo, my ability to observe my emotions, feelings, thoughts and sensations greatly improved. This lead to a completely different outlook on how I saw myself and how I saw life.
For most of my life, I thought that I was my past and what my mind and body was telling me, but though this process I came to understand that I was not my past and that my mind didn’t always represent the truth.
It was during this time that I wrote my first article. Through being assisted by Vincenzo it enabled me to continually develop my ability to observe myself and to recognise the patterns in my life and how they often originated in my childhood.
The articles that I have been writing for over two years now are clear examples of pattern recognition and being the observer.
Although my first impression of Vincenzo was perhaps a bit overwhelming, I soon came to see him as being: supportive, loving, kind and patient. And one of the most influential people I have met on my journey so far. This was someone who had a child like innocence about him.
During the loss of my father and numerous other sets backs and losses, he was there with his gentle support and guidance.
As I had operated from an intellectual level for much of my life; connecting to my heart had been something that I struggled with for many years. And after many hours of being assisted by Vincenzo, I gradually began to connect to my heart.
My heart had a voice of its own and was very different to what my mind was coming up with. And through connecting to my heart, I started to listen to what it had to say. This become a dialogue between my mind and my heart.
Through this process, my mind began to settle down and to be regulated by my heart. And after a while, I felt the need to share these dialogues. And this became – A Dialogue With The Heart.
This is someone who has had a big impact on my life and enabled me to develop existing talents and to find others. And it is hard to say what might have happened if I hadn’t of worked with Vincenzo. To find out more, go to - http://thenowtechnique.com/.
The common assumption about the media is that they are simply informing people about what is going on in the country where they live or in the world at large. Here the media are simply observes of what is taking place and are then relaying it to the public.
As people are generally busy with their own life and commitments, the media is entrusted with this responsibility. So this means that a lot of trust is given to the mainstream media.
And this trust has taken many years to form. From the Medias inception, people gradually become reliant and even dependent on the media to tell them what was taking place in the places that they couldn’t see.
This was then passed on from one generation to another and enforced through societal conditioning. It is then normal to believe everything the media says and to simply see it as what’s taking place in the world.
Trust is an important part of life and something that enables one to feel safe and secure. If it is not there it can lead to feeling vulnerable and unsafe. When this trust is given to people or organisations that deserve it, it is unlikely to lead to many problems.
But when it is given to organisations or people who don’t deserve it, it is inevitably going to lead to problems. One is giving their trust to something or someone based on habit and not because they have consciously thought about if it is benefitting their life or not.
And although a lot of trust is placed upon the mainstream media and has been done so for many years, do they really deserve this trust? When one trusts someone in their own life, it often takes place after they have been scrutinized.
To just trust without doing any kind of ground work would be crazy and it may even be dangerous. And when it comes to the mainstream media, it is generally unknown what their true motives are.
The Medias Motives
As I said above, the general assumption about the media is that they are there to inform and to protect the people. They are then seen as selfless protectors of humanity, doing their bit to shine the light on what’s wrong and to make things right in the world.
And yet this outlook is often betrayed by what the media gives its attention to. In life it is often said that there are two sides to every story. But when it comes to what the media gives their attention to, there is generally one truth.
How the media presents something or what the media gives coverage to, is the absolute truth. There is never the possibility of an alternative view or perspective.
So if the media is presenting certain events and ignoring others, without accepting that there could be another way, it would appear that they have a hidden agenda. And that their intention is not to inform the public, but to control the public’s view of reality; to shape how they see life
It is then not important what happens. It could relate to terrorism or something to do with the economy, but what really matters is controlling people’s minds. The event or occurrence itself is always secondary.
Things that are classed as good and things that are classed as bad have always taken place on this planet. We live in a world of duality, so there can’t be one thing without the other; something is only recognised as good through having something that is classed as bad.
The media tries to manipulate people into seeing the world in one way. And the ego mind sees in polarities; it is either black or white and there is no grey.
So what happens externally is irrelevant, what the media needs to do is get into people minds and change what is going on internally.
We all have our own personal reality and this is subjective. No one has the same reality. And how we see what’s going on externally is based on what is going on internally. So in order for the media to control people, they need to program people’s minds to interpret life in a certain way.
If people think for themselves they will always see that there is not one way of seeing anything, there are multiple ways. But through being conditioned by the media, one will naturally see life in the way that the media has programmed them to.
And through people focusing on the Medias version of reality, it will lead to their version of reality becoming more powerful and influential.
Based on the Medias manipulation of what the world is like, it is easy to come to absolute conclusions. This can relate to what people are like and what the world is like. Here the world could be seen as unsafe, people won’t be able to be trusted or they could be seen as dangerous.
So the media gives the impression that all people are a certain way and doesn’t look at both sides of life. If I said that everyone in the world is kind and loving, I would be seen as being deluded. And yet if I said that everyone is the world is dangerous, I would also be seen as being deluded.
This is what takes place through the media and It leads to people creating a dysfunctional and inaccurate view of reality. The average person doesn’t experience reality themselves; they experience it second hand and based on another person’s experience.
There are good deeds taking place on a daily basis and positive change is being carried out by people who will never been known in the public eye.
But if one focuses on what the media is saying about how ‘the word’ is, it will lead to one only seeing what they have been programmed to see.
There are some people who try and fix others. This could be something they have a habit of doing or something they do once in a while. And while these people may think that they are helping others, they are generally having the opposite effect.
A bit like how a mechanic may fix an engine or a certain component within a car; this person will try to repair something that they perceive to be wrong or damaged in another person.
And there are many ways and approaches that these people can take to reach their goal and to make their view a reality. But while the fixer may think that they are only trying to help, this behaviour can come across as: controlling, manipulative and patronising.
The person who is trying to be fixed can feel: angry, frustrated, resentful, overwhelmed, violated and compromised. And this is due to their boundaries being breach by the fixer.
What boundaries do, is protect ones personal space and within this space is where one feels that it is safe to be who they are. Here, one will know there they begin and end and where another person begins and ends. So it will be a natural consequence to respect another person’s space; simply because one is aware of their own personal space.
But when these boundaries are not in place it will lead to all kinds of problems. One will either retract and build walls around themselves or end up being enmeshed to another and will lose who they are.
Or it can lead to one taking the opposite approach and trying to control others. This person will still be enmeshed to others, but whereas the person above will take on board another person’s reality; this person will make sure other people take on their version of reality.
And of course, these roles can change depending on who one is with and how they feel for instance.
The person who takes on the role of the fixer has boundary problems. This is causing them to compromise another person’s personal space. And this can relate to all areas of life, from: relationships, money, health and career.
This person could place themselves in a position of authority or superiority. And that what they know, is the best or only way in life. But while this person is convinced that what they say is the truth, it is still only their perspective on what is going on and it is not the truth.
It can also lead to a relationship that is unequal and then one person is above the other. A bit like a parent and child relationship; so adult to adult relating becomes impossible.
While no human being is an island, there are ways that one can be there for others that help them and ways that disempower them. And trying to fix another person is only going to create problems. It can make one doubt their innate ability to deal with their own challenges and it can lead to dependency.
We are all on our own path and therefore cannot walk it for another person. And while the fixer may say they are only trying to help and are not operating from a hidden agenda; it could be that they don’t have any other way of being accepted.
Each person is playing a role here and although it may appear that the fixer is trying to help others, it is more about what they gain through doing this. The fixer is interpreting others as being incapable of helping themselves.
Where as a person who doesn’t try to fix others, will have a different perspective. They may let them know they are there if they need anything, but they won’t try and fix them. To them, another person will not be seen as powerless; they may need help from time to time, but no more than anyone else will.
A Deeper Look
So what could be taking place here is something known as projection. The person, who appears as weak and useless in the eyes of the fixer, is simply mirroring back to them what they have repressed within themselves. They have become disconnected to their own sense of powerlessness and then see others this way.
What they have done, to avoid feeling their own sense of powerlessness is to go to the opposite extreme, here they can appear as all powerful and all knowing. The ego mind works in polarities, so it will often go from one side of the spectrum to another as a way to avoid certain things.
Through seeing what they have denied within themselves in another, they try to change them, as a way to regulate their own inner pain.
The Other person
When it comes to the person who appears as incapable or powerless, they have neither repressed nor denied their feelings. These are people who are living their life based on them. This could be the only way they know and all because they have identified with them.
So by being with a fixer, it will allow them to feel a sense of empowerment and to regulate the feelings of being powerless or useless.
In this situation and the situation above with the person who is a fixer; it will come down to approval and how these roles are being associated as familiar and therefore safe to the ego mind.
This could go back to when these people were children and events that have taken place in their adult life. Through having these occurrences, one generally feels safe only when they are either appearing as useless or as all powerful. And it is likely that the relationship one had with their caregivers will play a massive role here.
Perhaps one was brought up by a caregiver that acted useless themselves and therefore one had to take on the role of being a parent as a child. And then the only way that they would be accepted, loved and approved of by this caregiver was by being there for them.
If they showed their own emotions or expressed their own needs, they would be: abandoned, rejected, isolated and ignored.
Or one may have been brought up by a caregiver that was unavailable in some way. And the only way they would receive attention was by playing up and acting as though they were incompetent or useless. Their caregivers may have been controlling and overbearing and therefore wouldn’t allow one to grow and develop their own sense of power
The first person can come to see that the only way that people will like them is through being more than others. If they look vulnerable, have needs or show weakness, they will be rejected. To their ego mind, what is familiar and therefore safe is looking stronger than others.
And when it comes to the second person, they see that the only way people will like them is through being less than others. If they were to embrace their real inner strength, it would lead to them being rejected. To their ego mind, what is familiar and therefore safe is looking weaker than others.
These are just roles that people play as a way to deal with that is going on at a deeper level. They are not good or bad or right or wrong; they are simply consequences. In order to have adult to adult relationships, it will be essential to let go of the past.
Here one will be able to be who they really are and not feel that they have to put on an act in order to be accepted or to survive. The assistance of a therapist, coach or healer may be required with this process.
The title of this article may sound a bit extreme and yet when it comes to male and female interactions, there is not always peace, harmony or respect. Throughout time, women have been murdered, manipulated and abused by men.
And although the rights of women have gradually improved in certain societies, this hate still exists. It may appear in ways that are easy to spot, but it can also be seen in ways that are subtle and harder to notice.
A Closer Look
Of course some women can hate men and have been the perpetrators. However, this article is about taking a deeper look at what some of the reason as, as to why some men hate women. It is not about blaming or putting one gender above another; it is simply to try and shed some light on this occurrence.
The Modern Day
So while times have changed and women have gradually become more accepted and appreciated in the western world; this hate still exists. And this can be expressed in numerous ways.
There is the ways in which this happens at a personal level and how it happens at a social level; because although this hate exists, it is unlikely to be shown in a direct way. A man could say I hate women to themselves or to the people that they know, but this is rarely how it is recognised.
Like anything that is socially deemed as inappropriate or wrong, this hate is often repressed in a man and then ends up controlling their thoughts, emotions, sensations, behaviour and the ideas that they project onto women.
It can then become something that a man is not even aware of. How they treat a woman or how they perceive a woman, then becomes normal and habitual. And the reasons as to why they really hate them, is then a mystery.
But just because a man hates women, it doesn’t mean that this will lead to the expression of hate. One of the things the ego mind does, as a way to avoid feeling something that is classed as inappropriate either internally or externally, is to go to the other extreme.
What will then happen is a man can become overly nice to women and end up worshipping them for instance. And this can then lead to men being taken advantage off or controlled by women.
Different examples of hate will be revealed, depending on where the focus is pointed. One example of this hate is in the porn industry and how the women are often treated. They are generally presented as objects and are physically violated.
Relationships are obviously another area where this hate will show up. It could be assumed that when a man hates women; they would be single and do all that they could to avoid them. A kind of love hate relationship can be created; where they feel this hate on one side and a need for them on the other.
But while some men may just go from one woman to the other, some men can end up in a relationship with one. The woman is then used as a way for the men to regulate the hate that they feel. Through having a woman there, it allows the man to release the feelings that they have. But this will also be a short term solution and will not deal with them at a deeper level.
What this can also influence is the general outlook that men can have towards women. So this could lead to men feeling as though they are above them in some way and as being more intelligent or superior to them.
Where Does It Come From?
Although a man can be physically stronger than a woman, at one point, they were a vulnerable, needy, dependent and powerless child. And this child was, in most cases, brought up by a woman. It is likely that this woman had complete power. Now, some mothers abuse this power and some don’t.
One of the most important factors here is how the mother responds to the Childs needs. There will be some mothers who are empathic and generally take care of the Childs needs on one side of the spectrum and on the other there will be mothers who are unempathic and ignore most of these needs. And then there are the types of mothers that are fairly inconsistent in responding to the Childs needs.
If they are not responded to enough or ignored completely; it is likely to lead to problems. Here the child can feel angry, powerless, hopeless and even suicidal.
What Happens Next?
In an ideal world, the child would have its needs met. And when this doesn’t happen, there would be the right support available shortly after this had taken place; in the form of a therapist of healer. However, as the above rarely happens, other consequences take place.
These feelings, emotion and sensations that the child felt, through not having its needs met sufficiently, will have to be repressed and denied in order to survive. Although the child may feel powerless, hopeless and even hate towards the mother, this same person is crucial to the Childs survival. This lead to an internal split being formed.
So years will then pass, but the original pain and trauma still exists in the body. And as the body is constantly looking to release the emotions that have been stored and frozen inside; it will need an outlet and people to project onto.
At first the child may have felt anger, but overtime this anger changed and become hate and even resentment. And due to the time that has passed, it will often lead to a disconnection. So the hate that one feels towards certain women or all women today will not be seen as an extension of the hate that one felt towards one’s mother many years ago.
If one is carrying this pain within them, it will inevitably lead to present day challenges with women and yet the real pain was created many, many years ago.
The ego mind will hold onto these memories and associations. And not because they are the truth, but due to them being familiar and familiar means safe to the mind. For as long as these exist in the body, it will be extremely difficult to experience reality differently.
The perceptions that one has, the situations and women that one comes into contact with, will all be influenced by what is going on within oneself. And if they don’t match, then the ego mind will interpret life, so that they do fit these perceptions.
In order to let go of the past, it may be necessary to seek external help and this can be from a therapist or a healer. The past is the past and yet if the pain has never been looked at, it will still be there.
This pain that one experienced as a result of not getting their needs met as a child needs to be grieved, so that one can truly let go of the past.
The Weight loss industry is one of the biggest in the world and takes in billions every year. This affects both men and women and while sometimes it can be for health reasons, at other times it is for aesthetic reasons.
People can lose weight through: eating differently, exercising, taking supplements, medical procedures and by having hypnotherapy for example. And new ways and variations are constantly made available; as way to stimulate interest and to entice people to buy what is being offered.
The Short Term
In the short term this could relate to a woman who has just had a baby and therefore wants to lose the weight that she has recently gained. Or it could be during a time when a man or women recently suffered a loss and used food as a way to comfort themselves and gained unwanted weight in the process.
And in the above cases, there will be people who can lose it fairly quickly and other people who cannot. It could also be that one will lose it quickly and then gain it just as fast.
The Long Term
There will also be people who have wanted to lose weight since they were young or for many years and no matter what these people do, they can’t seem to lose it.
Then there will be people who can lose it fairly easily with the right assistance, no matter how long they have carried the weight for. And just like in the example above; they will be people who lose it and then regain it, in a very short space of time.
Regardless of where one may have started from or what their reasons are, it’s as if someone people have an internal preset that won’t be changed. This is demonstrated when weight is lost and then simply returns to its previous level.
And this can create not only physical challenges, but also mental and emotional challenges. To lose weight and then regain it or to find it difficult to lose weight in the first place is going to test ones resolve.
This could seem as though one is working against their body and what their body wants is completely different to what they want. Losing weight can be done and yet it is a real struggle to do it and just as much of a struggle to maintain the weight loss.
And this brings the focus to the conscious and unconscious mind. The conscious mind can want one thing and the unconscious mind can want something else. When these are working together, just about anything can happen and when they don’t; it will inevitably lead to struggle, strain and frustration.
Is It Safe?
What the unconscious rejects will be what is interpreted as being unsafe and what it accepts will be what is interpreted as being safe. The ego mind associates what is safe with what is familiar.
So as long as something is familiar, it will be interpreted as being safe. And it won’t matter if this is causing one to suffer or to struggle. These associations are often formed when one is very young or during certain stressful moments as an adult.
At this moment in time the weight may be unwanted and yet it could be due to the associations of the past that is keeping it there. Weight is similar to muscle, in that it can protect the body from real or perceived external stressors.
If one feels vulnerable in some way, to gain weight will enable one to feel safe. So weight is then used as an alternative to ego boundaries.
Through having boundaries, one knows where they begin and end and where other people begin and end. It is then possible to feel safe to be who one is and to know that one has their own personal space.
So perhaps when one was a child it wasn’t safe for them to just be. There early environments could have been dangerous, hostile, abusive and unsafe. And as one didn’t have the chance to develop healthy boundaries, the only possible option was to armour themselves through gaining weight.
So even though one may want to lose weight, the body keeps regaining it due to these early associations that were formed. If they were to lose it, it would retrigger these past memories of being completely vulnerable, having no control and being wide open in life.
There is the view that once one feels comfortable in who they are, their weight will return to a health level. This inner conflict can lead to one becoming trapped in an endless cycle of diets, frustration and pain. What one eats is clearly important and as is how one feels about food and their body.
On the surface one may imagine how good their life would be or how good it would feel to lose weight. But at a deeper level, it could trigger a lot of fear and this fear is then causing one to sabotage that they consciously seek.
This is something that can be dealt with through the assistance of a therapist, coach or healer. They can help one to go where they might not have gone by themselves.
In the world of psychology and personal development, there is a term that is often used called secondary gain. This is a gain that is often hidden and unknown at a conscious level.
And although the word ‘gain’ is typically used in a positive manner, in this instance, it is not a positive gain. This gain could be creating all kinds of problems and dramas in one’s life.
But due to how important this gain is to the unconscious mind, it is irrelevant that it is in conflict with what one consciously wants.
What Is It?
So with the term secondary gain aside, what it comes down to is survival. The ego mind forms associations around what is familiar. And what is familiar is then interpreted as what is safe.
This can relate to anything and just because something is associated as being familiar and safe to the mind, it doesn’t mean that it is either healthy or functional.
It could be something that is dangerous, dysfunctional and unhealthy. And one of the reasons for this is that the ego mind will hold onto these associations no matter what happens. Once they have been formed; they can stay there for ones whole life.
At One Point
During a time in ones history, these associations would have been formed to protect one and to keep them safe. And yet as time has gone by, what was beneficial at one point in time is now creating problems.
So time may have passed, but the ego mind still has the same associations. These can cause one to experience reality in the same way. The people who they attract into their life and the situations that they experience, will then either validate these associations or one will interpret them so that they match.
These associations will also trigger feelings, emotions, thoughts and sensations. This will help to make the experience real. It could be that one manifests the same experience again or that their mind makes one believe that it is happening again.
This can cause conflict in all areas of life, from attracting money, healthy relationships, losing weight, gaining weight and being happy for example.
It could be that one only feels safe when they are broke or that it is not safe for them to be slim. And based on how the ego mind works, to have these things will be interpreted to mean death.
The experiences that one has had as an adult and what happened during their childhood years will all make a difference. What happens in childhood is often what matters the most and this is because ones brain is so malleable at this time.
And what one was exposed to on the odd occasion or on numerous occasions as a child, will often be what feels familiar and therefore safe as an adult.
Here one may have been brought up in an environment where there was no money; where people were miserable; where it wasn’t safe and therefore gaining weight allowed one to feel safe or where people related to each other in an abusive way.
This was then normal and what will unconsciously feel safe and normal. And if one goes against these, it can lead to fear and self sabotage.
The Forgotten Past
As so many years will have passed since one was a child or since one had a certain traumatic experiences as an adult; it can make secondary gain hard to understand. Now it is causing problems, but then it was a natural consequence to the environment that one was in.
Consciously one can create all kinds of reasons why something is not happening for them and end up feeling like a victim, powerless or that it is out of their control.
The desire to have healthy relationships, attract more money or to lose weight may be there, but if one doesn’t feel safe having them - it is highly unlikely to happen.
It will only lead to struggle, strain and frustration. If one feels that it is safe to have these things, then one will either already have them or it won’t take much to attract them.
And this is why a coach, therapist or healer can be so important. They can help one to let go of the past and to embrace what is truly right for them.
When a relationship comes to an end, it can often lead to pain. For some people the end of a relationship will be experienced solely as a loss and for others, although there is a sense of loss, it will also be coupled with a sense of freedom and that the time had come.
This will of course depend on how the relationship was and if one felt it had come to its natural end or if it had ended too soon.
So, it could be said that the severity of the loss that is experienced will depend on numerous factors and will also vary from person to person. There is not one experience that everyone has and therefore people will respond differently to the loss.
One person may not feel too emotional and as a result of this, can carry on with their life. It could be that they are happy being single or that they are open to what life may bring.
And then there can be another person who is in deep pain and decides to grieve the loss. To get involved in another relationship or another person is not their focus. Their main intention is to grieve the loss and to return to a sense of balance once more.
The two options above are general examples of what two people can do, who have been affected in different ways. The first person could have come out of a relationship that’s time had come.
And for the second person, it is likely to have been a relationship that created a lot of pain. This could be pain from the relationship ending and also due to unprocessed pain from past relationships and even childhood wounds.
Although the second option of dealing with ones pain is the ideal thing to do, if one is experiencing a sense of loss and all the pain that that brings, this doesn’t always take place.
When this happens, one will often have what is commonly described as a rebound relationship. Or this could be a series of flings or casual encounters. And while this could last for a few weeks or months, it could also last for many, many years.
Here, one will be attracted to people who are not necessary right for them. But what they do offer is an escape from the pain that one is currently experiencing.
It is then not an adult to adult relationship that they are looking for; that involves sharing, relating or personal responsibility. The other person is needed, as a way to regulate one’s pain and suffering.
A Quick Fix
However, if one is in a place of pain and is doing all they can to avoid this pain, then what they expect from another person is going to pale in comparison to what they would expect if they were not in pain.
The saying ‘Don’t go shopping when you’re hungry’ comes to mind here. Here one is likely to buy all kinds of junk just to fill a whole and the same thing can apply to rebound relationships or encounters.
This approach may well have the potential to offer a quick fix and a momentary escape, but that is often all it can offer. And this is because the pain will not simply go away as a result of one running away from it. It has to be faced and grieved in some way.
So while there is a chance that one could end up with someone who is right for them; the chances are that one will end up with someone who is not right for them. The pain may have gone from ones conscious awareness, but it still exists at a deeper level.
And although going with another person can lead to momentary relief and the postponement of pain, the pain is likely to reappear once gain and when it does, it can be even stronger than it was before.
The undeveloped ego mind will do all it can to avoid dealing with the loss and grief. And this can cause one to seek wholeness and a sense completion in another person or people. This is of course, an illusion. One can never be completed by another and simply because one is not incomplete to begin with.
Loss can be magnified as a result of past losses that have not been grieved and processed. This is why specialised assistance can make a massive difference. A Therapist, healer or coach can all help in providing the right support.
The easy option can be to find someone else to fill the whole and stop the pain. But although this will lead to short term gain, it will also lead to long term pain. To face it will involve short term pain, but it will enable one to experience long term gain.
In order for one to attract a healthy and functional relationship, one has to be healthy and functional themselves. If one is running away from who they are, then it is unlikely that they will be able to have a fulfilling relationship with another person.
While trying to please others can be something everyone does from time to time, for others, it is the focus of their lives.
What this person wants from life as whole or what they want to do from moment to moment is then secondary. The needs and wants of others are far more important than their own wants and needs.
And perhaps this person has completely lost touch with their own needs, wants and desires, through becoming consumed by what others want.
A Way Of Life
To the observer, this kind of behaviour is can seem ridiculous and as something that wastes a lot of time and energy. It is clear that the people pleaser is neglecting their own needs, happiness and fulfilment, in order to help other people achieve these things.
And yet to the people pleaser themselves, this is probably something that feels normal and therefore the right thing to do. It could be that they have always been this way and have never even considered that there could be another way.
Or it could be that although they always put others first, it is not necessarily something that they consciously chose to do. And that it is something they feel they have to do and have no choice.
On the surface, a people pleaser can seem to be a door mat and as having no back bone. And they can also be seen as model citizens and as examples of how to be. As they can be kind, keen to help and have no difficulty in getting along with other people.
However, appearances can often be deceptive and belie what is actually going on within.
The Forgotten Self
So while it can depend on how aware the people pleaser is, as to how they feel about pleasing others, it is going to lead to the same consequences. And that is that, their own self is being forgotten about.
One may feel a sense of anger, rage and frustration through not taking care of themselves. This could also alternate between one feeling as though they are being responsible and that it would be selfish to put themselves first.
That fact that a people pleaser always looks to put the needs of others before their own, can create the illusion that what they do has no personal benefit or gain. And that they are selfless individuals, unlike people who put themselves first.
But, the primary reason that these people are putting others first is because of what it is doing for them. And not because of what it is doing for others.
At a deeper level, they have learnt that it is only safe to put others first and that it is not safe to put themselves first.
The ego mind will have formed certain associations around taking care of their own needs and wants. And when it comes to people pleasers, these are unlikely to be empowering of healthy.
So if they were to put themselves first, it could lead to the following associations being triggered:
· That one would be rejected
· That one would be abandoned
· That it wouldn’t be safe
· That one would end up alone
· That one wouldn’t survive
· That one would become isolated
And as fears such as these exist, it will be a real challenge for them to look after their own needs.
What has happened in their adult years and their childhood years will make a difference here. However, the primary influencer is likely to be the childhood years. At this age, one is dependent on their caregivers for survival and so it is vital that they do as they say.
Now, some caregivers will be more accepting of a Childs needs than others. And how accepting they are, will go a long way to defining whether the child will grow up to be a people pleaser or not.
If the child is allowed to have its own needs, without experiencing a loss of love, acceptance and approval, then it will form associations that it is safe to have needs.
But if the child experiences a withdrawal of love, approval and acceptance when it comes to its own needs, then it will form associations that it’s not safe to have them. In this case, the child will probably only be loved when they are taking care of their caregivers needs.
These early experiences can then create an adult that doesn’t feel safe to have needs. And then the only way to feel safe is to look after other people’s needs, thereby recreating these early experiences.
If they put themselves first it will lead to fear and of not feeling safe. Although years have gone by, to the ego mind, this is what feels familiar and therefore safe. And as long as these associations exist, it will cause one to attract people and situations that reflect the past or to interpret the present in the same way.
If one is constantly neglecting their own needs in order to help another, it is unlikely to lead to a fulfilling life. Through being there for oneself, it will be a lot easier to assist others.
The assistance of a therapist, healer or a coach can enable one to accept their needs and wants as normal and acceptable and not as something to be fearful of.
When it comes to the self help industry, thoughts are often described as having the power to create one’s life and therefore to define what one attracts into their life. And there are numerous authors and experts that espouse this perspective.
One can learn about this through all kinds of books, audios and DVDs. There have even been a number of documentary type films that go into this outlook. So can how one thinks really make such a difference to one’s life? Let’s take a deeper look.
A good way to get an understanding of how thinking can influence one’s life is through what is often described as a self talk. This is where one talks to themselves and although one is aware of some of this chatter - a lot of it goes unnoticed.
And whether or not one is aware of this chatter will not make a difference; as it is always having an effect on how one sees themselves, other people and the world.
The thoughts that one has are often the result of having a certain perception. This can be gained through seeing an image or reliving a memory.
However, this whole process is not just about the perceptions that one has and the cognitions that are then triggered, it is also shaping how ones feels. It could be said that the mind is moderating the body.
Or it could be that the mind is causing the body to be out of balance. So through thinking a certain way, one will often experience emotions and feelings as a result.
And this is where the real power comes in. thoughts may give one a sense of focus, but it is the emotions and then the feelings that will make things happen.
Thoughts can also have different meanings to different people. A thought may well be seen as being either positive or negative and yet what is positive to one person can be negative to another and vice versa.
And this will depend on the associations that one’s ego mind has around a specific word. This meaning will create the perceptions that one has and therefore what their thoughts, emotions and feelings will be.
These meanings are coming from what is known as the unconscious mind and the part that one is generally not aware of.
So this can relate to money, intimacy, happiness and everything else. Consciously one may want to have money, to experience intimacy and to be happy. But what will make the difference here are the associations that one’s mind has around these things.
At an unconscious level, one may not feel that it is safe to have these things. And there could be fear around having money, experiencing intimacy or being happy. This will lead to conflict and even to self sabotage.
One’s life is often a mirror of what is going on at this deeper level. And this is why what one consciously thinks about will rarely show up. Due to their being a mismatch with the conscious and the unconscious mind; it can lead to struggle and frustration.
Outside sources could be blamed and seen as the reason why something is not showing up.
So if the world is mirroring back what is going on at a deeper level, then it is important to be what one wants to attract into their lives. One has to feel comfortable with having whatever they desire.
And this will often come down to whether one believes that they deserve something or not. The answers will often be within if something is not showing up and not because of what is going on externally.
One can believe that they truly want something at a conscious level, without even knowing that at a deeper level, they actually fear having it. So they will then end repelling the very thing that they want.
This can be a result of being in a society that tends to looks outside for the reasons why something is happening. So Instead of looking at what may be going on in one’s personal reality, one may have been conditioned to look outside.
To deal with what is going on a deeper level; one may need the assistance of a therapist, healer or a coach. These people will be able to support one in going where they would not necessarily go by themselves.
For a long time, the western world has been familiar with the word doing and the word being has been something that the people in the east were familiar with. And this has gradually changed in the west, with people becoming more aware of these eastern approaches and vice versa.
Stereotypically, being is often seen as coming from somewhere like India and meditation is an example of this and doing can be seen as very western and include the desire to achieve or to be a success.
However, with these often cited origins aside, being and doing represents the two sides that a human being has. But, due how important doing has become, it has meant that being is generally ignored and dismissed.
From this place, one just is and this means that one will be aware of their thoughts, sensations and feelings. Here one can simply be with them, without needing to do anything about them.
They are in touch with who they are and their true nature; with the understanding that who they are, is not defined by what they do or what they achieve, but by being who they are.
To feel accepted or approved of is something that is at their core and not something they have to gain by doing anything or pleasing anyone.
From this inner connection and attunement that being creates, one does things that are in alignment with who they are. This inner connection allows one to act in ways that are fulfilling and based on their own truth.
One will often do things because they find them enjoyable per se and not because they are looking for external reward or recognition. It’s as if their actions are a result of life expressing itself through them.
This is the world of the true self and not what is often classed as the pseudo self – the ego.
The Real World
To some people, the above descriptions will sound like some kind of theory or fantasy. And when compared with what the western world is generally like, it would be hard to disagree. From the moment one is born, they are trained in the art of doing.
By doing what ones caregivers want, one will be accepted, approved or and loved. And after this has gone on for a number of years, one will go into an education system that has the same approach.
After doing the right things to gain the right grades and awards, one will then go out into a society that continues where the education system left off.
At a deeper level, one can come to the conclusion that their whole identity is gained through doing and that they can only be liked through doing. And this is in direct conflict with ones true nature.
Through years of being conditioned this way, it can mean that one has become enslaved to their ego and then their life will be defined by it. So this will be the life of extroversion and looking without.
And due to one not being accepted for who they and only what they do, it will mean that unless one matures their ego and allows their true self to appear; it will not lead to true fulfilment.
In the short term, one may well feel approved of or accepted by others, but this will always pale in comparison to one living their own truth and being who they are.
And while action is an important element to life, if it is coming from a need to please others or because one feels unhappy within; it is unlikely to reflect what one truly wants or needs.
So what this could lead to is one taking actions that are nothing more than distractions and ways to avoid ones true self. But, if one has only known this way, it can seem normal and the right thing to do.
The ego mind will use all kinds defence mechanisms in order to avoid facing itself and this will often be aided through doing things. The inner pain that one feels can then be regulated through doing. To simply be, will often be too painful for one to do at first.
However, like most things in life, it will take time. As one becomes more comfortable in who they are and doesn’t need to do anything, it will become easier.
And then the actions that one takes will be more meaningful and relate to ones true purpose; as opposed to doing something for the sake of it or out of habit.
Oliver JR Cooper
Teacher, Author, Transformational Writer & Consultant - With Over 2,000,000 Article Views Online.
That which is contained within these articles is based on my own empirical understanding and is true for me at the time they were written. However, as I continue to grow, what I perceive as the truth will inevitably change and as a result of this - parts of these articles may not reflect my current outlook.
A Dialogue With The Heart - Part One
A Dialogue With The Heart - Part Two
A Dialogue With The Spirit
Why Does He Behave That Way? Why Do I Behave This Way?