If it often sad that if one can’t say no, then their yes doesn’t mean anything. And while having the ability to say yes is clearly important, so is being able to say no. They both have their uses and this will often depend on the context that one is in. To say yes can become a habit and something that people do without even thinking about it. At the time it can seem like the right thing to do and this can soon turn to a sense of regret. And there are some people who can say yes without it feeling like the right thing to do, but they can’t seem to say no regardless of this internal resistance. So there will be conflict during the decision and after the decision. No matter whether it is one of the scenarios above or another, it will create a challenge for someone. A Pattern This could be something that happens on the odd occasion or it could be something that is a regular occurrence. If it does happen every now and then, it is unlikely to create too many problems. What will also make a difference is what one is saying yes to. To say yes at certain times and to things that are fairly inconsequential won’t lead too much. And yet if what one says yes to here and they are big things, then it will could to troublesome consequences. Easy Going And in today’s world, to be ‘easy going’ is often looked at as being a good way to be. To be another way can be seen as problematic and to create unnecessary tension. If one is easy going they are then peaceful and an example of how to be a good citizen. To say no and to stand up for oneself can be seen as a problem that could lead to unrest. So through having people that say yes, it will lead to not only more harmonious relationships, but also to a more harmonious society. Examples To be unable to say no to a beggar on the street for example is unlikely to be a problem. However, what will be a problem is if one is constantly in situations where they are asked to do something that they would rather not do and end up saying yes. This could be to do with all the friends that one has or just that one friend who one can’t say no to. Perhaps it’s in the working environment and one is asked if they would mind taking on more work or responsibilities and always say yes. It could also be something that affects ones life so much, that their whole life has become a yes, when so much of it needs to be a no. Meaning So some people can maintain their boundaries and assertively say no and for others this is a massive challenge. And what this comes down to is the personal meaning that one has. For the person that can say yes and no, in their reality it is okay to say both. For the person who can only say yes, in their reality, it is not safe to say no. This shows that each person’s ego mind has a different meaning and therefore interprets saying no differently. For the person who can say no, it will generally feel comfortable to do so. And for the person that can’t, it is likely to feel uncomfortable. Associations When it comes to the person who can’t say no, their ego mind is likely to have formed certain associations around saying no and these can be: · That it would lead to one being rejected · That it would lead to one being abandoned · That one would end up being humiliated · That one would end up alone · That one would feel guilty · That one would feel ashamed · That it is not safe to do so And as saying no could lead to this and may have even lead to this in the past, one will then avoid saying no at all costs. For as long as these associations exist within, one will continue to attract people and situations that match them. Or they will interpret situations so that they do match them. The Truth The ego mind is constantly looking for evidence that validates what it believes to be true. And these associations are classed as the truth. They are familiar and what is familiar, is what is safe. So although these associations are causing one to say yes, when they should be saying no, to the mind it is a matter of survival. Causes However, these associations could have been formed during a traumatic incident in ones adult life or when one was a child. They then became absolute meanings that relate to everyone and to all situations. As a child one may have been brought up by a caregiver or had someone else in their life who didn’t allow them to say no. Here they would have learnt that it wasn’t safe to say no and as their survival was based on pleasing this person, saying no may well have been a dangerous thing to say. Awareness The ego mind will hold onto what happened in the past and then project it onto others and cause one to recreate the same experiences. One way of looking at this, is that the ego mind is Interpreting saying yes as familiar and therefore safe so therefore one is attracting these situations into their life. Another way of looking at it is that it is allowing one to be aware of what they need to let go of. It has come to ones attention to be resolved and so that one can move on. This process can be assisted by a therapist, coach or a healer. Or one may feel that they can work on this by themselves.
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Over the years, the true self has been used to describe ones true nature and who they really are. On the other hand, the false self represents all that is not true and is made up of illusions. And while deep down one may want to embrace their true self; it is often far from easy and the world generally discourages one from doing so. So this means that very few people take the time or make the effort to know their true self and therefore reveal it to others. For if this was easy or if we lived in a world that encouraged one to do so, then there would be no need to hide ones true self. It would be revealed from the very beginning and allowed to blossom over time. Acceptance One of the greatest needs that one can have is the need to be accepted. And while this is often classed as an ego need and one that doesn’t reflect a true need; it can nevertheless have a big impact on ones behaviour. It is a need that can highjack ones real needs and cause one to become consumed and controlled by the need to please others. And this can lead to one wearing what are often described as masks. Masks These are elements of the false self and enable one to gain the acceptance of other people. There are all types of masks that one can wear and this will usually depend on what the context is. Who one believes they need to be to gain acceptance, will also play a big impact here. For some people it will be important to come across as being a certain way and for others it may well be another way. One may have worn one type of mask for their whole life and this means that they may not even realise that they are wearing a mask. It has become so much a part of their life, that it has gone unnoticed. Examples There are many masks that one can wear and some of these can be: · To always appear happy · To pretend that one is perfect · To try to always look good · To come across as having everything together · To always appear as a success · To always please others A Deeper Look Although the above examples are clearly not practical or even possible; they are there for a reason. Here one can believe that they won’t be accepted unless they have them. And if the people in their life only accept them for wearing these masks, then it may well be the case. However, if another person only likes who one is due to the mask that they wear, then they are probably not worth having in one’s life. But what is deeper than what is going on externally, is what is going on within. It is based on what is going on within that will define how one interprets the outside world. So if ones interpretation of life is that they need to wear a mask to be approved of, then they will attract situations and people that validate this truth. This will then be how reality is perceived. Being Safe On the inside is likely to be a sense that it’s not safe for one to be who they really are. This may be something one is conscious or it may just be out of one’s conscious awareness. And by gaining the approval and acceptance of certain people, one will be able to regulate these inner fears. Through doing this it will lead to one feeling safe, the challenge is that although one my feel safe, if they are wearing a mask it is unlikely to lead to much else. To the ego mind it is being interpreted as familiar and therefore safe. And as far as the ego goes, that is all that matters. But what is being classed as familiar and therefore safe may have no real relevance to ones happiness or fulfilment. The associations may have also been created many years ago and when one was very young. Causes Here one may have primarily been approved of when they pleased other people and did what they wanted. Their needs, wants, desires, preferences, feelings and thoughts would have been dismissed or ignored. Although this can happen as an adult, it is often the younger years that have the biggest influence. As a child one is vulnerable and dependent on their caregivers. So at this age one would not have much control and would desperately seek the approval and appetence of the people around them. If this meant denying who they were, then so be it. The thought of whether one was being true to themselves would have been irrelevant. As long as one was accepted, that’s all that mattered. Associations During this time it was a matter of survival and as an adult one generally has more control over their life. And yet the ego mind will likely can cause one to view life in the same way. At first it may have been ones parents who one had to please and as an adult it could then be ones friends or colleagues for example. Although this was in the past and happened many years ago, to the mind it is what is classed as familiar and safe. So consciously it will create pain and suffering, but at a deeper level it feels comfortable. Awareness If the mind has associated pleasing others as being familiar, then fear will be triggered should one go against pleasing them. To listen to oneself and go against others will be interpreted as death by the mind. How strong these fears are, will define what one needs to do to let go of the past meanings. This could be a therapist, healer or a coach. Or becoming aware of certain patterns and then changing them may be enough.
In order to have a relationship with someone it is important that they are actually available. And although this can seem like a normal and an obvious thing to expect, it is not always the case for some people. For them, it can seem as though it is impossible to attract someone into their life who is available. Where they meet these people and what they look like may well be different, but the experience is typically the same. A bit like the film groundhog hog day, where the same scenario plays out over and over again and therefore leads to the same results. And this can be experienced in many different forms. Scenarios One could meet another person and get to a certain stage and then they are just not willing to go further. It could also be experienced through being attracted to people who are unavailable in other ways. Perhaps one is constantly drawn to people who are married or in a relationship already or to people who work oversees for most of the year and even those who explicitly say that they don’t want a relationship. Patterns Through going over the kind of people that one is attracted to, there will often be a pattern that begins to appear. It could be that one ends up going for people who are married or say they don’t want more. This could also be something that is less clear and more subtle. And this mean that one will have to make a note or just reflect on what the people have been like who they have gone for in the past or are going for at this moment. The Story What the mind will do through experiencing these situations is come up with all kinds of reason as to why this is happening. And these meanings will often become the truth and why something is happening. These will naturally vary from person to person and there can also be general meanings, such as: · That one is unlovable · That one is unworthy · That one doesn’t deserve a relationship · That one is a victim · That one has no control · That one is powerless · That one is hopeless A Deeper Look And based on what one is experiencing through attracting unavailable people, these meanings will be rational conclusions to make. To the mind, everything is external and as a result of this, one is therefore a victim and powerless to change anything. Even though these meanings will make sense and match what is going on, they are only the tip of the iceberg. And as one begins to dig a little deeper and to see what is going on beneath the story, something else will soon appear. The Ego Mind At one level the mind has the story and all the reasons why something is not happening and at a deeper level are the real reasons. It is here that the ego mind has formed associations around what is familiar and therefore safe. This is often classed as secondary gain. What this means, it that although one can complain about not having something, on a deeper level it is because they is a benefit to not getting it. The benefit is often unconscious and out of one’s conscious awareness. Here the ego will have created associations that it is not safe to have someone who is available. And this is sabotaging ones true need to attract someone who is. It’s Comfortable The reason one is attracted to people who are unavailable is because it feels comfortable. This is why it happens over and over again. If it didn’t feel right on some level, then it wouldn’t take place. To have someone who is available is likely to create fear and this is often due to how one was cared for as a child. These moments play a pivotal role in the type of person that one is attracted to. If ones caregivers were: unavailable, aloof, neglectful or distant for example, then this can lead to one only feeling safe when there is some kind of distance. And as this feels safe, one will feel uncomfortable when people get close to them. Awareness It can be easy to get caught up in the drama and to look outside for reasons why something is not working. And yet if this is something that is continually happening to someone, then it is beneficial to look within. This can be done with the help of a coach or a therapist. It will depend on how much of a challenge this is for someone and if they feel they can take care of it themselves or if they need some outside assistance.
To objectify someone is often described as what happens when they are seen as an object. And when this takes a place, they are not seen as a human being who has feelings or their own cognitions for example, they are just a physical body. Here another person may well be seen as an object that one has to control and manipulate in order to meet their needs and wants. And this is something that can take many forms and has been around for a very long time. In The Past One of the biggest examples from the past is slavery and how people were controlled and abused. That these people had their own feelings, thoughts, wants, needs or preferences was irrelevant. All that truly mattered was that they did what the controllers wanted and fulfilled their aims and objectives. Another area of objectification that has been going on for many, many years is the objectification of women. When this occurs, they are no longer seen as human beings who have many different aspects to them. As a result of this, a woman is seen as nothing more than object of pleasure and a way for a man to experience sexual gratification. Everything else that a woman brings to the world is then dismissed. The Modern Day While these things have probably gone on since the dawn of humanity, they are still going on today in one form or another. What may have changed are the ways and the style of the objectification. And in the modern day world, there is the help of the mainstream media to assist in objectifying others. One can read about others or see them on TV and while they are also fellow human beings, they are often seen as objects. The internet can also add to this process. Through this, one can intellectually come to conclude that they know someone as a result of reading about them or seeing pictures of them. The Disconnect When one authentically connects to another human being, there is the body, the heart and the mind. And they give and receive different things. Together these enable one to relate to another person as a fellow human being and not as an object. But when it comes to how the media works for example, this whole way of connecting doesn’t always take place. For some people it will be on the odd occasion and for others it will be a constant. A figure from the media can then become someone who doesn’t have feelings and emotions like everyone else, they are just an image or an idea that one forms in their head. And is then a screen or a surface for one to project their inner issues onto. The Heart In order to see another person as more than an object, one has to have some kind of connection to their own heart. It is here that one connects to their feelings and how one empathises with another. If one has become cut off from these things, it is going to either a challenge or impossible to see that others have feelings or to have empathy. Although the heart has its physical benefits that are well known in the world, it also plays a part in so much more than just the physical side of things. And like just about anything in life, the heart is often affected by both healthy and unhealthy experiences. This means that the heart is not passive or separate from life. Pain No matter who one is or where they are from, pain will always be experienced. Now, for some people this will be more traumatic than others. And people react and deal with pain in different ways. Experiences that are traumatic in one’s life, can lead to one closing their hearts for a long period of time or until the moment they pass on. It could also be an experience that although it is not traumatic, through being exposed to the experience for so long, one stops feeling any longer. And painful experiences can also lead to feelings of powerlessness and of having no control. One way of going about this is to deal with the feelings directly. If this doesn’t take place, then other people will be controlled and manipulated as a way to regulate these emotional experiences. The media for example, is constantly filling the minds of millions with a steady stream of pain and trauma. And while it is important to have awareness of what’s going on, it is not so important that one should then become emotionally dead and traumatised in the process. Protection One doesn’t close their hearts because they are a bad, weak or evil, it is done as a way for one to protect themselves. If having feelings is too painful, becoming numb and emotionally dead can be seen as the only solution. A Whole Human Being And if one cannot feel in a healthy and functional way, not only can it lead to the objectification of others, but one can also see themselves as an object. If one is not functioning as a whole human being or doesn’t see themselves as a whole human being; it is going to be highly unlikely that they will be able to see another as one either. As how one sees others is simply a reflection of how one views themselves. Awareness The Heart needs to be protected and looked after and not just through eating the right foods or getting enough exercise. One needs to monitor how much they expose themselves to the pain or suffering of others. This is not to say that one lives in denial that such things exist, but that one is aware of how they are being affected by it. Grieving past hurts and traumas are also important when it comes to having emotional intelligence and an open heart.
It doesn’t take much effort to notice how powerful and influential actors and actresses are in today’s world. And although they have had this power for a number of years; with the assistance of the mainstream media, this has gradually increased as time has gone by. One only has to go a film premier or to watch a film premier on TV, to witness how people are affected by them. They are often looked upon with reverence and awe. While it is clear that these people are human beings, to some people they are more than human and larger than life itself. Films People can have their favourite actors and actresses and this will mean that they are likely to watch the films that they are in. They can then become identified with the different roles that they play. Perhaps an actor plays the role of an all powerful super hero or someone who succeeds against the odds. Then there will be roles where they go through a certain kind of trauma and therefore become vulnerable or seek some kind of revenge. Identification And through indentifying with these roles, one will be able to vicariously experience a whole range of scenarios. Here one can have the chance to momentarily feel empowered and to have certain feelings validated. There will also be the chance to express anger or to seek revenge without any consequences. One can also experience what it’s like to be a success, to fall in love and to be admired. These are just some examples of what can be achieved through watching a film. It will often depend on where one is at in their life, as to what stands out and therefore what one identifies with at any given moment. Consequences Now, to watch a film and to become identified with a certain role or to vicariously experience something is neither negative nor harmful. It is a wonderful way to relax and to regulate ones inner tensions. However, it becomes a challenge and even unhealthy when one takes this one step further and one becomes obsessed with the actor of actress themselves. Just A Role No matter what role an actor or actress plays or how convincing they may be; they are still acting. And this means that they are human and have challenges and issues just like everyone else. What they have is developed a skill that is highly valued by society and as a result of this, they are often paid lots of money and receive high levels of respect and exposure. This also means that the roles that they play, although they may well be influenced by certain things in their life, are not who they are. This may sound logical or even obvious and yet emotionally this is not always understood. Projection And due to people seeing the actors and actress themselves as being the roles they play it can lead to projection. Here, one will project certain parts onto them and perceive them a certain way; regardless of if it is accurate or not. As the roles that they play are often of such power and importance; it could be said that projection is a fairly natural occurrence. So what one feels that they need, at a mental and emotional level, will be what the actor or actress is perceived to possess. Obsession And when one gets caught in projecting certain traits onto the actor or actress and doesn’t realise that they are just that and are therefore an illusion; it will often lead to obsession. Through becoming obsessed, it is allowing one to avoid their inner tension. Obsession is a defence mechanism and allows one to regulate their emotional pain. In the short term, the odd obsession here or there is unlikely to create too many challenges. One can watch a film and then feel obsessed for a few days after or even a few weeks. This is probably natural and how long it lasts will also depend on how self aware one is. Awareness If one has become obsessed with an actor or actress, it is important that one looks at what they are trying to avoid by being obsessed. And through this process, one can begin to see that what they had projected onto the actor or actress is often an illusion to begin with or something that they have yet to realise within themselves. This could require the assistance of a therapist, coach or a healer for example. Or it may simply be a case of one becoming aware of this tendency and choosing another option.
This is something that can affect someone in many ways and as a result of many things. Some losses can simply be ignored and forgotten about and then there are others can are harder to forget. One can also lose something and never forget the loss; regardless of how much times goes by or what else happens in their life. What will often define the impact that a loss has is how emotionally attached one was. To lose a loved one can often be one of the most challenging losses that one can have. And yet, as people we can become attached to almost anything. So this means that loss is a subjective experience and part of life. One loss cannot be compared to another loss and neither should it be. If one has experienced a loss and feels a certain way then it has to be acknowledged. It shouldn’t be a question of: if it is an appropriate reaction or in how it compares with what others are going through or have gone through. And with loss comes grief and this is something that can’t be forced or rushed; it is a process that has to be allowed to take place and for however long it will take. Examples Above I mentioned how the loss of a loved one is one of the most painful losses that one can experience. And what can also be painful is the loss that one experiences when: a pet dies, a relationship ends and a job finishes and many others. There are also losses that have very little impact; one may lose a piece of clothing or even their car keys. These may seem insignificant and even irrelevant And one of the reasons that these losses don’t always register is due to one not being emotionally attached to these things. The first examples are often what one can become extremely attached to. Loss It is often said that loss has more or an impact than a gain does. So as good as gaining something may be, human beings would rather avoid a loss than experience a gain. One reason for this is that when humans were living in caves and killing animals with spears, it was important that they had enough food. To have more was not important; as long as they had enough. And so to lose what they had, would likely have lead to starvation and resulted in death. The Ego Mind However, regardless of if the above is true or not, the way the ego mind functions, explains a lot. The egos main priority is to keep things the same and what is familiar is classed as what is safe to the mind. So this means that all change is therefore interpreted as death to the mind. And as this is the case, when something comes to an end it will then lead to one having an experience of death. Death is then not something that one experiences once in their life, but many times throughout their life. Change And as the ego mind works this way, it means that loss is part of life and cannot be avoided. The reason is that change can’t be avoided. It becomes more of a challenge due to the ego minds interpretation that loss means death. And while some losses will lead to intense grief, other losses will lead to minimal grief. For losses that really impact one’s life it could last for many years and even a lifetime. And for minimal losses, that may not even be noticed, it may be able to be processed in a matter of moments and without one being consciously aware of it. Attachment As human beings, we become attached to things and this attachment can lead to pleasure and pain. And when it comes to a relationship for example, some kind of attachment is inevitable. One can know that the more they get attached to something, the greater the loss can be. And yet due to the benefits, it is often a risk worth taking in life. What can lead to a greater sense of loss when something comes to an end is when unprocessed losses from the past are triggered. The current loss will then be added to a history of unprocessed losses. This may well become overwhelming and hard to handle. The Past Just because one has experienced a loss and therefore needs to grieve; it doesn’t mean that this will always take place. This will depend on many factors and one of the biggest things will be if one feels safe enough to do so. This could be the losses that one has experienced as an adult and the losses that one experienced as a child. One might remember the adult losses, but have forgotten about the losses of their childhood. Awareness No matter where these losses have come from or how strong they are; it is important that one allows themselves to grieve them. Although one won’t necessarily be able to forget what happened, it doesn’t mean that one has to carry the pain around with them forever. Appropriate assistance can come from a: therapist, healer, coach, support group or a trusted friend.
This article has the description abused children and therefore gives the impression that it is going to be all about children. However, this will be about adults who were abused as children and as a result of this now have a real challenge with boundaries. When it comes to child abuse, there are many problems that can and are created. And boundaries problems can often be a consequence of abuse. There is of course, degrees of abuse and some may well be labelled as worse than others. And yet, no matter how extreme the abuse is, for the person who is experiencing it, it is painful enough without the need to compare oneself with another. Whether it is: emotional, sexual, mental or physical or what is often labelled as spiritual abuse; it ultimately irrelevant. Boundaries These are a vital part of life and are essential when it comes to one forming healthy relationships, moderating their experience of life and being able to feel safe enough to show their true self, amongst other things. They are what allow one to know where they begin and where they come to an end. And where other people begin and come to an end. Without them, one can feel: invisible, hollow, invisible, vulnerable, unsafe, sensitive and empty. To have them, means that one feels safe to be themselves and that they have their own personal space. This person can say yes to people and most importantly - they can say no. Abuse Although boundaries are clearly important for one to have; child abuse generally doesn’t allow them to develop. And the main reason for this is that the abusers don’t have any either. So they don’t understand that their children or other children are separate beings and have their own personal space. This does not register to them and therefore violating a child is normal to them. If they had boundaries, they would be able to see that what appears to be coming from the child is actually what is going on within themselves. And through things like projection; it seems that the child is the cause of their inner tension. No choice This can only lead to problems and the child has no way of protecting itself. For at such a young age, one has no boundaries and is not aware of their sense of individuality. So the child has to no other choice than to put up with and absorb this kind of behaviour. They are dependent and this means that they can’t say stop or if they do, it is unlikely to be heard. And at this age it will often come across as normal, as something one deserves and what love is. Consequences Through one having to put up with this kind of behaviour as a child, it doesn’t enable them to realise that they have their own personal space. And that this is something that is sacred and needs to be protected. One can have no idea where they begin or end or where others begin and end. To be violated, compromised and taken advantage of, can then feel normal and how life is. That one has a right to not only say yes, but also no, may not even be known. For people who have boundaries, saying no or maintaining their personal space, will be a natural thing to do and generally won’t lead to fear being trigger. But to people who don’t have boundaries; it could lead to intense fear being triggered, if one were to stand up for themselves. Safe And the reason that adults who were abused as children find it so difficult, is due to what their ego mind is interpreting as familiar and therefore safe. Years may have gone by and yet to the ego mind, life is still being seen through the same eyes. To stand up for themselves and to have boundaries, might lead to one feeling that they could be: rejected, abandoned, attacked, humiliated and ignored for example. Through holding onto these associations, it is causing one to interpret situations and attract people who mirror these early experiences. The ego mind feels comfortable with what is familiar and although these early experiences were not healthy or dysfunctional; they are what are being classed as familiar. So even though they may well be causing all kind of problems, at a deeper level the mind is doing its primary job of keeping one alive by attracting into one’s life situations and experiences that are unconsciously associated as being familiar. And what is familiar is what is classed safe to the ego mind Awareness The body and the mind can still carry the pain of the past and this can mean that one will need to seek the assistance of a therapist, coach, trusted friend, support group or a healer. It will all depend on how much of a challenge this is for someone; there are no hard and fast rules here. What matters is that one looks after their personal space and gets the help they need in order to do this.
It might seem strange to some people that success could be something to fear; especially as we live in a world where success has become an obsession for so many people. What is often heard about is the fear of failure and how people don’t want to fail. However, success is generally perceived as what most people want. That one could actually be fearful of it, would appear to be wide of the mark. And although logically this does make sense, it doesn’t mean that this is necessarily true at a deeper level. It is easy to believe that just because something sounds right or true, that is it right or true. As a result of things being seen this way, it can mean that they are not questioned or looked at more deeply. Two Levels At a conscious level, success can sound like a wonderful thing to have in one’s life and to experience. Here one can feel happy, fulfilled, joyful and empowered. Life can feel worthwhile and that one is on course. And if this is not ones experience, then it is often what one can constantly seek to experience. It could also be that one has gained a certain level of success and wants to go to the next stage of their evolution for example. Although one may have this outlook at a conscious level, it may not correlate with what’s going on at an unconscious level and where one is unaware. This is where the conflict can arise and lead to a form of self sabotage. Meaning The ego mind will have formed associations around what success means and a lot of these will often be unknown to the conscious mind. There may well be general meanings that have come about through social condition for example, but there is also going to be personal meaning. This meaning will be what the ego mind has come to view as familiar and therefore safe. And it won’t matter if this meaning is in direct opposition to what one consciously wants and it causing one to sabotage success. Examples There will be many meaning that one’s ego mind can have around success and some of these can be: · That one will be rejected · That one will be abandoned · That one will lose their friends · That one will feel guilty · That one will be criticised · That one will be alone · That one is not good enough · That one is unworthy The Limit What these meanings are likely to create is an invisible ceiling or limit and if one goes above this, it will lead to these associations being triggered. This will mean that one will experience emotions, thoughts and sensations that are emanating from these meanings. One while some of these meanings may actually come true, it is not to say that they are the absolute truth or that all of these meanings have to become ones reality. To lose certain people from one’s life may happen as a result of achieving certain things. And yet as a result of this, other people are likely to appear. Reality Through the ego mind associating these meanings and many others as familiar, it will be perceived as reality and how life is. That this is just ones personal meaning will often be overlooked. So how one sees people and experiences life will all be affected by these meanings. The interpretations that one makes of their life will be coloured by them. What the ego mind associates as familiar and therefore safe is what will need to change. To go against these meanings will mean death to the ego mind, but this is just how it functions. If one changes these meanings, it is highly unlikely to result in death occurring. Awareness A lot of these meanings will have come about when one was too young to question them. At the time they may have been relevant and yet now they are simply causing one to sabotage their success. There are many ways of going about changing these associations. Some people may need to be assisted by a therapist, coach or a healer. And other people may only need to become aware of what their meanings are and then choose other ways.
Change is part of life and cannot be avoided and yet that doesn’t mean that it’s an easy thing to embrace. There are many others ways that can be sought as a way to avoid change. One of those ways is to try and change other people. This is something that probably comes under the umbrella of the terms control and manipulation. And it can be part of all types of relationships. If one were to experience the odd occasions of being with someone who tried to change them, it is unlikely to create much of a problem. But it is going to be a problem in intimate relationships and in the relationships where one spends most of their time. A Matter Of Degree As human beings, we are constantly trying to shape and control the world to how we want it to be. And when it doesn’t match up to what we want, we can try to change it, feel dejected for how it is or we can accept it. So while it would be easy to say some people try to change others and some people don’t; this would be a gross oversimplification. It becomes a problem when people go to the extreme and when the person that they are trying to change doesn’t want to change. To be surround by people who are trying to change who one is or to be in a relationship with someone like this, will inevitably lead to problems. Consequences Here one can end up feeling: controlled, trapped, compromised, vulnerable, overwhelmed, ashamed, angry, guilty, frustrated, fearful, rejected, worthless, abandoned and invalidated. To feel that that one is not good enough or enough as they are, is also likely to ensue. Through one feeling this way on the inside, it could lead to the creation of drama and even violence. What it is unlikely to lead to is a relationship that is healthy or functional. At first feelings of anger may arise and these could soon turn to resentment. Two People On one side there is the person that wants to change the other and on the other side there is the person who is trying to be changed. And each person has their own reality and is experiencing difference things. It would be easy to say one person is the perpetrator and the other person is the victim and to leave it at that. On the surface these roles may appropriately describe what is going on. And yet this is not only disempowering, it is also doesn’t look at what is going on at a deeper level. The Perpetrator In this person’s reality, they are likely to perceive the other person as being the problem and that they need to change as a result. To them, it appears that the reason they feel as they do is because of what the other person is doing. And by the other person becoming who they want them to be, not only will the other person improve; it will also allow one to feel better as a result of this change. The Victim For this person, it is likely that they will feel that the other person is coming onto their personal space. It may appear that the other person has more control than they do. At first this type of behaviour could be rejected, but if this continues, one could start to believe what is being said and that one does actually need to change. The fact it might not have anything to do with this person and may well be the perpetrator, who actually needs to change, could then be overlooked. This type of behaviour can gradually work someone down until their own inner voice is no longer heard. Boundaries Due to both of these people having their own reality, at a deeper level it is more about what is going on for each person, than what the other person is doing. What first becomes clear, is that there is a boundary problem here Boundaries allow one to know where they begin and end and where another person begins and ends. This enables one to see that their reality is not the same as anyone else’s reality; with each person having their own personal experience of life. When one doesn’t have boundaries, it will lead to situations where one thinks that what is going on outside is the problem and that the external world has to be changed. Person One For the person who is trying to change others, this is due to repression and projection. The other person is triggering those elements that have been repressed. This could be emotions, feelings or memories that are too painful to deal with. These then get project and placed onto other people. And as way to regulate this internal pain, they try to change other people. But this will never work and simply because the other person is unlikely to be the one who needs to change. No matter what they do, it won’t change what one is unwilling to face in themselves. So the reason they keep attracting people who ‘need to change’ is because this will enable them to face what they have been denying. This doesn’t mean that this will always take place though. Person Two It is likely that the reason this person attracts people who are trying to change them is due to what they have not faced within themselves. Certain emotions and memories will also have been repressed in them. But as they are not willing to face this inner conflict, it then shows up in the people that they attract into their life. Ultimately, they are showing one what they need to let go of. As this person comes to accept who they are, other people will also come to accept them for who they are. And if they don’t, then one will simply have no need to have them in their life. Awareness We all have our own reality and yet this doesn’t mean that it will always be seen this way. What makes one feel uncomfortable can be pushed out of conscious awareness and as time goes by, this can then show up in other people. It may be easy to blame other people and while this will create a momentary release; it is unlikely to lead to transformation taking place. And one will then continue to attract the same type of people. To let go of this inner conflict, it may be necessary to seek the assistance of a therapist, healing or a coach. Or one may feel that they can undertake this process themselves, without external support.
There are so many things that can take place through exposing oneself to the mainstream media. And let’s face it, due to the power and influence that it has, it is more or less impossible to not be affected by it. For some people, their whole meaning of life, what’s going on in the world and what they should do, is defined by it. And even if one does think that their perception of life is not shaped by it, there is inevitably going to be some area of their life that has been. We are made to believe that we need things and that these things are vitally important to our happiness and wellbeing. And yet upon closer inspection, these so called ‘needs’ are actually manufactured wants and are creating a sense of lack and that we are missing something. The Usual Approach This can range from: an item of clothing, to make up, aftershave and perfume and to the latest gadget. There are also numerous other offerings and items to consume. And while these things are often fairly neutral and unappealing per se, what create additional impact are the associations that are added. It is then not so much about what is being sold, but all that is being attached to what is being sold and therefore how one will feel through having it. Associations So this may be done through having people in the advert or promotional material that are society’s version of what is attractive. It could be that the people are happy, relaxed, popular or at peace with who they are. As the need for approval and acceptance is often so high in people, this is bound to be a vital ingredient when it comes to creating interest in people. And if one is popular through possessing this, then that is often more than enough. Individuality The challenge here is that we are not all the same. But what the media can do is tap into ones vulnerabilities and to areas where one feels insecure. Although we are all unique at a deeper level, on top of that can be all kinds of illusions. And these are typically the ego minds fears and do not relate to ones true self. These can then cause one to be pulled in by what the media is offering and as so called solutions to their emotional unrest. And while they are offering solutions to these problems, they also have a hand in creating them. Contentment It’s like a cycle that doesn’t end. As soon as one feels a sense of contentment, there is something else that needs to be consumed to maintain it. The idea is that one will feel happy by acquiring what the media is selling. In the short term, this may well lead to a sense of fulfilment. Sometimes one will be able to have what the media is selling and sometimes they won’t. Perhaps it is due to one not looking a certain way, having a certain body or enough resources and so it will be impossible to feel happy based on the requirements. Dependent Through becoming attached to the Medias views of life, one can then become depended on them. If one is happy or not will then depend on if they posses what the media is selling. To be happy with one is and to accept oneself, regardless of how one compares to others, will likely be the last thing on one’s mind. This will inevitably work in the Medias favour, as once one feels unhappy and therefore experiences pain, they are then likely to create the cycle once more. Pain Here one will end up buying what is being offered as a way to regain their sense of happiness. Having people who are happy is not ideal when it comes to making money. Pain has to be created to cause people to spend money, as way to regulate their pain through consumption. This is not to say that buying things is wrong or that one should go and live in a cave, away from the constant manipulation that is going on. Going from one extreme to another is seldom a success or necessary. Critical Thinking What is does demonstrate is the importance of thinking critically and questioning what is bombarding the senses. As this process has gone on for so long, it is often overlooked and has become normal. And this means that it can then become invisible to the senses. And when this happens, one then gives up their personal power to something outside of themselves. The media has helped create the illusion that happiness is something that comes from consuming things. But, if people are already vulnerable on the inside, it won’t take much work to attract them to this idea. So, it is clearly a two way relationship.
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Oliver JR CooperAuthor of 26 books, Transformational Writer, Teacher & Consultant. Introductory Consultation
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Disclaimer
That which is contained within these articles is based on my own empirical understanding and is true for me at the time they were written. However, as I continue to grow, what I perceive as the truth will inevitably change and as a result of this - parts of these articles may not reflect my current outlook.
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