When it comes to my journey of self awareness, there are some people who stand out when I look back on where I have come from. And one of those people is Jenny Jones. This is someone who is based in England and she is a healer/therapist. The Next Stage After having experienced hypnotherapy for a while, I came to see that I needed something else; this was in 2013. I wasn’t sure what that was, but I knew I needed something. I had seen many improvements through having hypnotherapy. My boundaries had improved, I began to feel more settled and I was able to let go of certain things. However, while my mind was starting to settle down, the same could not be said about my body. I had an emotional build up and I needed to find someone to help me with the process of letting go. A Friend One afternoon I went to see a friend and she recommended someone who did something called Shen Therapy. She said that this was for people who were ready to let and as I was at that stage, it would help me. Her name was Jenny Jones and I soon got in touch with her to arrange an appointment. And after having Shen for the first time, I felt different. I felt more connected to my heart and I felt lighter, amongst other things. Opening Up Shortly after the session, I was amazed at how different I felt and I was also extremely grateful for having come into contact with Jenny. I could also see that this was how a therapist should be. I was able to open up and share what was going on for me; I wasn’t forced to reveal anything or dismissed in any way. Whatever was going on for me was fine and not something to feel ashamed of. Feeling Safe And through feeling safe, I was able to open up and share my story with Jenny. I wasn’t invalidated and told to ‘just let go’ or that I needed to ‘move on’. In the past I had heard this from the people that I had worked with and it didn’t help. All it did was make me feel weak and that I was missing something. Through being accepted, I was able to gradually let go of the emotional build up that I had. The Unexpected When I went to see Jenny for the first time I thought I just needed to let go of the emotional build up that I had and then that was it. But this soon changed when a relationship I was in came to an end. The emotions I was aware of at the beginning were just the tip of the iceberg and I was soon at rock bottom. The end of the relationship was the catalyst for me to face all of the emotions that had been trapped in my body since I was a child. I was emotionally overwhelmed, holding on at times. I was able to observe what was taking place, but I couldn’t do much else. There were moments were I wasn’t sure I was going to make it; I was down and I wasn’t going to be getting up any time soon. And if it wasn’t for jenny’s assistance and a few friends who were around at the time, I might not have been writhing this. Gradual Progress While I couldn’t think my way out of it or exercise my way out of it, because of the understanding that I had of myself, I knew what was happening. Something within me pushed me on and this allowed me to keep going and not to give up. And as the months passed and I continued to work with jenny, I was able to gradually move beyond these emotions. My History Throughout my childhood years I experienced a lot of neglect and this caused a lot of pain. There was no one around and if there was, it wasn’t safe for me to show my feelings. I had to repress my emotions and for many years they had been trapped in my body. I wasn’t really aware of them, but the impact they were having could be seen in every area of my life. And because I was aware of my history, it enabled me to understand where these emotions had come from. So while it was painful when they came to the surface, I knew they had to be released at some point in my life. Gratitude So as I have said above, if it wasn’t for Jenny I might not be here now. I don’t forget the people that have made a difference in my life and I will always be grateful for coming into contact with Jenny. To find out more go to - www.wheeloflifetherapies.co.uk
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Not every part of a human being develops at the same rate, and this is to be expected. If one was to look at nature and see how a tree grows, they will soon see that the branches are not all the same length. Some are longer than others and at the same time, it hasn’t affected the tree. It is still strong and the shorter branches are not causing any problems to the rest of the tree. There are going to be differences when it comes to someone’s physical, emotional and intellectual development. This is because each one doesn’t grow at the same rate or in the same way. And if one is primarily focused on one area, it is only natural that another part of them is going to end up being neglected and will stay stuck at a certain level and even start get worse as time goes by. But while differences in each of these areas of development is normal, if the differences are to extreme, there is the chance that one going to suffer in one way or another. Physical Development Ones mental and emotional development could have reached a certain level and yet their physical development may pale in comparison. But just because someone’s body is not sculpted in a certain way or one is able to run a Marathon, it doesn’t mean that they are therefore going to feel or live a life that is out of balance They might not have the appearance of someone who works out or who does a lot of exercise and yet, their body can still operate as they need it to and not cause them any problems. Intellectual Development So it is clear that if one’s body is suffering they are going to suffer, but this doesn’t mean that one needs to have the body or a Greek god or goddess to live well. Having a certain level of intellectual development is going to be important, but as to how important it is, will all depend on what one does in life or what they want to achieve. Not everyone is going to need to have the same intellectual development as Einstein for instance. It is unlikely that everyone would be able to attain that level and as everyone doesn’t need to, it doesn’t matter. But having a certain level of intellectual development is going to mean that one has the ability to think in ways that enable them to move forward in life, to rise above challenges and to make better decisions, amongst other things. Emotional Development However, just because someone has developed their intellect to a certain level, it doesn’t mean that they are going to be happy or that their relationships are going to thrive. In fact, someone can end up developing their intellect due to experiencing emotional challenges. A superior intellect can then be a sign that one is suffering emotionally and the only reason they have placed their attention on their mind in order to avoid emotional pain. This is not always the case though; as some people can be developed in both areas. Ones level of emotional development is going to define how happy they are, how complete they feel and how fulfilling their relationships are. And this is not going to depend on their physical shape or how intelligent they are. The Missing Part There are plenty of people who are either in great shape physically or who are extremely intelligent or both, and yet they are still unable to enjoy life. If one feels down or emotionally empty it might motivate them to achieve things, but it they feel the same they, they are unlikely to be able to enjoy what they achievement. The feeling that something is missing is still going to be there, regardless of what their body looks like or how intelligent they are. So as ones emotional development is so important and impacts everything other part of who they are, it can be hard to understand why it is often overlooked. A Closer Look If one wants to develop themselves physically, they can lift weights, go for a run or do whatever else they choose to take part in and their body will begin to change. This is usually part of the education system. And before then, one probably ran around as a child and started to experience the joys of movement. Exercise The physical body needs exercise to develop, if it is not given this, one won’t develop physically. To intellect is also going to need another kind of stimulus to grow and this can include such things as: reading books, being given the chance to ask questions, learning new things and having the freedom of thought for example. Education This is something that can be encouraged from a young and will then be experienced when one is educated by the education system. And if one chooses or is able to, they can carry on learning through going to university or through their own initiative. When one is not given what they need or doesn’t engage their intellect, this part of them is not going to grow. They will stay at a certain level of development and through time, they will start to regress. Nurturance Ideally, one would have received the kind of nurturing they needed whilst growing up to develop emotionally and this can then set them up for life. If this was not the case when one was growing up, there is the chance that it won’t happen at all. That is unless one decides to take matters into their own hands and re-parents themselves. For if one doesn’t give themselves what they need to emotionally grow up as an adult, it is not something that is just going to happen. And this is unlikely to be something that takes place during ones time in mainstream education; as emotions are generally overlooked in today’s world. Emotionally Undeveloped Touch plays an important role in a human beings emotional development and it is therefore vital that one is touched from the moment they are born. When this is from a place of love, and one is touched in the right way and at the right times, it will allow them to receive what they need in order for this part of them to grow. This development will then continue as a result being touched and affirmed in the right way. If one was not touched and affirmed by their caregiver/s as a baby and as time passed, there is the chance that they will end up being emotional undeveloped as an adult. Awareness Now, just because someone didn’t receive this growing up and is therefore emotional undeveloped because of it, it doesn’t mean they have to stay this way. What it can mean is that they will need to receive the loving touch that they didn’t receive all those years ago and to be affirmed as an adult. The reason someone is emotionally undeveloped is not because there is something wrong with them, it is because they didn’t receive what they needed. This is something that can be provided by a therapist or a healer.
While no two people on the planet will view themselves in the same way, there are going to be people who have a self image that empowers them and there will also be people who have a self image that doesn’t empower them. And ones self image is something that can change as time goes by and is therefore not static. How one sees themselves at one point in their life could enhance their life and at another time, it could cause them to feel limited and/or incapable. Whereas, if one’s self image doesn’t empower them to begin with, unless they change it, they are not going to feel any different. Change So while one person can believe that how they see themselves is who they are, there are going to be other people who realise that this is not the case. Here, one is going to know that their self image can be changed at any point. And through having this understanding, one is going to feel more empowered than someone who believes their self image is set in stone. To have this outlook means that nothing can be done about how they see themselves. The Truth It is then not an idea that they have about who they are or what their capable of, it is the truth of who they are. To have this belief is not going to enhance their wellbeing or allow them to achieve what they want to achieve in life. They could end up feeling as though they have to settle for what life gives them. And when other people have a self image that supports them, they could be seen as having something they don’t. Self Image When it comes to the self image that one has, it is going to be a result of how other people have seen them from the moment they were born or how one has decided to see themselves. What this means is that one’s self image could be something one has defined themselves, or it could be something that others have defined for them. This is not going to be black and white though, as even if one has defined it themselves, they are still going to be influenced by others. Interdependent No one is their own island after all; we are all shaped by others in ways that we are aware and in ways that we are unaware of. But just because one is influenced by others, it doesnt mean that they have to allow others to completely define them. From Birth For some people, their childhood would have been a time where they received the feedback they needed to form an empowering self image. And this caused them to feel worthy, capable and supported for who they are, amongst other things. And then there are going to be other people who didn’t receive the feedback they needed to create an empowering self image. As a result of this, they would have ended up feeling unworthy, incapable and that they are not supported when it comes to being who they truly are. As Time Goes By So if one has had a healthy self image from birth, it may stay with them for the rest of their life. This doesn’t mean they won’t have moments when it is put under extreme pressure or even shattered, but what it does mean is that it is likely to give them the resilience that they need to handle the ups and down of life. And when it wasnt possible for someone to develop a healthy self image during their childhood years, it doesn’t mean that one is therefore unable to create one as an adult. What it does mean is that one is going to be more vulnerable to certain things. Defined By Others It could mean that one finds it difficult to define who they are and allows other people to do it. And this is going to mean that they are unable to live the kind of life they want and to achieve the things they want to achieve. One may feel accepted through letting others define them, but it is going to be at a cost. Their real needs and wants are going to end up being ignored and therefore unfulfilled. Taking Control The good thing is that it is never too late for someone to take control of their self image and to define who they are going to be. This might not be something that is going to be supported or encouraged by the people one usually associates with, but this is to be expected. Their acceptance is likely to be based on one behaving in a certain way, and when one changes, it could make them feel uncomfortable. But what is more important: matching up to other people’s expectations or living a life that reflects who one really is? As one changes who they are, the people they are drawn to and attract is going to change. And in their mind, they are not going to know any different and so they are unlikely to have the same need for one to change. Awareness If one feels that they need some kind of support with this, then it is important that they reach out for it. The assistance of a therapist, healer or a coach can make this process a lot easier.
One of the greatest needs a human being has is to be accepted for who they are. But while this is the case, it doesn’t necessarily mean that one has been able to fulfil this need or that they believe it is even possible for them to fulfil it. If people were generally encouraged to be themselves it would be a lot easier for them know that they can be accepted for who they are. What can make it so challenging is that there is a lot of pressure on people to be who other people want them to be. And if they become someone else, and this could be who their friends, family or society want them to be, then they will be accepted. It can then take a lot of strength for someone to be who they are and to resist the pressure and temptation to be who other people want them to be. When It Does Exist The pressure for one to become someone else is going to come from people who don’t accept themselves. For when one does accept who they are, they are not going to have the need to change someone else. What they will be able to do is accept another person for who they are and if they can’t, they are likely to walk away. So just because one can’t accept another, it doesn’t mean that the other person therefore needs to change. Other people may be different and yet that doesn’t mean that one is unable to respect their right to live in a way that reflects who they are. And as long as they are not harming anyone else, then this is surely the right thing to do. Self Acceptance So as there is so much pressure for one to be someone else, it is going to be important for one to accept themselves. And at times other people will accept them and at other times they won’t. But if one has the need for everyone to accept them, they are going to suffer in more ways than one. When one accepts themselves, they are not going to need everyone to accept them. They are going to be happy with who they are and this is then going to mean that other people’s opinions are secondary. Inner Strength But when one doesn’t accept themselves, the opinions of others are likely to be primary. This is not to say that one is completely closed to receiving feedback just because they accept themselves. What it means is that one is not going to allow other people to define whether they like themselves or not. This is therefore going to mean that one has more control over how they feel. Wide Open When one doesn’t accept themselves, there is the chance that the opinions of others are going to be primary and the opinion that one has of themselves is going to be secondary. This person is not going to have trouble with receiving feedback, as they are likely to be wide open and have no control over what they let in from others. Other people are then going to define who they are and one is going to have very little control over how they feel. Now, if one is around people who accept them, then everything is going to be fine. False Self However, it could also cause one to play a role and to do things that don’t match up with their true needs and wants. One is then out of touch with who they are, but the payoff is that other people will accept them. A Common Approach There is going to be the chance that one is going to hear that they should let go of the need for approval, and that they just need to ‘accept’ themselves. And while this advice can assist someone, it can also make them close up. And when this happens, one can end up denying their need to be accepted. If this need does arise, they could end up feeling guilty or weak for instance. Ignoring this need or repressing it may work for some people, but it is not going to work for everyone. A Deeper Look The reason one doesn’t accept themselves and therefore looks to everyone else to accept them, could be because no one has ever accepted them for who they are. When someone does accept themselves, it is highly likely that this is result of the acceptance that they received from someone else at one point in their life. And the person who did accept them could have been their primary caregiver. Though their unconditional acceptance, one was able to realise that they are acceptable for who they are. Or if this didn’t take place during their childhood, someone else may have provided it. Unconditional Acceptance Once this person has experienced it from someone else, they are not going to look to others for acceptance. During the beginning of someone’s life, being accepted is matter of survival and through being accepted, they are then able to grow out of this need. So if one has never been accepted for who they are, then it is only natural that they are still going to look for what they didn’t receive all those years ago. Based on this outlook, this need is not something that one needs to remove; it is a need that one needs to fulfil. Awareness Through being with someone who accepts them for who they are, it will allow this undeveloped part of them to gradually develop. And once this happens, their emotional development will match up with their intellectual development. This unconditional acceptance can be provided by a therapist or a healer. The qualifications they have or what method they use is not important, what matters is that they can offer the acceptance that one needs in order to grow.
When someone takes a certain action or a number of actions that don’t lead to the outcome that they desired, there is the chance that they will later come to experience regret. And while there is nothing that one can to do to change what took place, they will suffer nevertheless. This is likely to include a combination of different thoughts, feelings and sensations. One could ask themselves why they did what they did and/or why they didn’t do something else. They could end up feeling angry and this could even develop into rage. And underneath this could the feeling of being powerless or hopeless. Back And Forth One minute, one might be feeling down through facing these feelings and the thoughts that are appearing and the next minute, one could be imagining what it would be like if only they had done something different. In this case, one is likely to feel a sense of relief; if only for a short time. And this is a defence mechanism that the mind will use to regulate how one feels. It won’t necessarily change how one feels in the long run, but it will change how they feel in the short term. Round In Circles So this could cause one to end up being caught in a cycle. And how long this will last can depend on how willing someone is to face what actually happened. If one is unable to take a step back and see what is taking place, it could be quite some time before they end this cycle. When someone is down and unable to use their imagination to imagine how it could have been, they are likely to punish themselves. And if one is able to use their imagination, they might feel the urge to do something about what happened. Guilt If this relates to something that caused one to feel guilty for instance, it might motivate them to give something back. This could include person that was involved in what later made one feel guilty or it could involve someone else who reminds them of the other person. So while one might not be able to alter what took place, they are able to change someone else’s life in some way. This then gives them a new experience to focus on and this can take away some of the guilt. A New Experience Even though what has happened hasn’t changed, the new experience can settle the mind down and can give one a reason to feel better and less regretful. The new experience can be used as evidence to prove to oneself that they are not a ‘bad person’ for example. And how what happened was a once of and doesn’t reflect their true nature. This same experience can also be achieved by one looking back on their life and locating times when they acted in ways that are the complete opposite to what has recently taken place. Growth As what has happened has happened and can’t be changed, it is clear that one is wasting their energy by punishing themselves. Their energy is being wasted on what has been, instead of being used for what can be. To reflect on what took place and what one could have done is something that can enhance their life; if this process is used in the right way. When this is done, one will be able to grow and integrate the experience. Obsession But if this becomes an obsession and something that one can’t stop focusing on, they are going to end up being stuck in the past. In life, sometimes one will do the ‘right’ thing, and sometimes they won’t. Being human doesn’t mean that one has to be perfect; it simply means that one does the best they can. And as everything in life can’t be planned; it means that mistakes are going to be made. So instead of punishing oneself for making them, a healthier and more empowering approach would be to see them as being part of life and as examples of what one doesn’t want to do in the future. The Challenge However, while the ideal is for one to use them as examples of what they don’t want to do in life and to move on shortly after, at times one is going to find that they are not able to do this. It is then not that they don’t want to move on; it is that they are unable to integrate the experience. Their mind is going round in circles and like a dog with a bone, it won’t let go. Now, one approach would be to say that one needs to ‘let go’ and to just ‘move on’, as life is ‘too short’ to hold onto the past. And while this can sound logical, and one can’t disagree with what is being said, it doesn’t mean that one is able to move on. Trapped Emotions The mind is generally the point of focus when it comes to change and the body is often ignored. Some people believe that it is ones thoughts that define how they feel and while this can be the case, it can also work the other way around. How one thinks is then the result of how they feel, and this is why it is not always easy to just ‘let go’ and ‘move on’. Having trapped emotions in one’s body will cause the mind to produce certain thoughts. The mind is causing one to have obsessive thoughts as a way to deal with the feelings that are appearing from the body. Awareness However, if these feelings were not trapped in one’s body, then one wouldn’t have the need to have these thoughts in the first place. These trapped emotions will need to be faced and released. As this is done, it will enable one to let go and to ingrate what happened. And this can be done with the assistance of a therapist or a healer.
In today’s world people don’t have to come to their own conclusions about what the world is like or what is true or what is not, as the media is there to do it for them. Now, if what the media presented was always accurate and there were no hidden agendas, this would be fine. But the intention of the media is not always to educate people and inform them of what is actually taking place; it is to condition them and to make them behave in a certain way. This is why critical thinking is so important. Critical Thinking The trouble is people are rarely taught how to think critically and this means they are then wide open to what the different media sources present to them. Critical thinking is not encouraged by the media and one is not going to learn it by accepting everything they see, hear or read either. So if one wants to learn how to think critically, they are generally going to have to take matters into their own hands. And while it is going to take time and effort, it will be worth it in the long run. It will allow one to protect their mind and to decide for themselves how they are going to perceive the world, amongst other things. Appearances And one thing that the media gives a lot of attention to is what is attractive in men and women and what is not. This can be done directly and it can be done indirectly; with the consequences often being the same regardless of how it is done. Here, a celebrity or a certain look can be the point of focus and although this is just one example of what is attractive, it ends up being portrayed as the only thing that is attractive. And while the look or appearance that is in fashion can change as time passes, there are some that stand the test of time. Comparison One can then end up comparing themselves with these people and then see how they match up. If they look the same or have similar features, they can feel attractive and that they are desirable. But if they don’t, it could make them believe that they are therefore unattractive and are not desirable. However, even if they do match up with what is currently classed as attractive, it won’t be long until they are made to feel that as though they are missing something. One is then going to have to change their appearance in some way if they still want to be classed as attractive. Both Genders Women are generally going to feel more pressure than man when it comes to being attractive and desirable. Men are not far behind though and are facing increasing pressure when it comes to looking a certain way. Looking Different So if one has a look that matches up with what is classed as attractive and desirable, they might be able to feel good for a short time. But this feeling might not last for very long because the ideal look will change before long. When one doesn’t match up to the Medias image, no matter what look is in fashion, they are going to have a different experience. They might not experience the ups and downs of being seen as attractive one minute and unattractive the next, as they might end up feeling unattractive as a way of life. Social Acceptance There is the chance that someone will allow the media to define not only if they are attractive or not, but whether other people are attractive or not. One then gives their power away to an external source and only allows themselves to feel attractive if they match up with what is classed as attractive And one could find they are attracted to people because they match up with the Medias ideal and not because they match up with their own ideal. So while they don’t match up with the kind of person they truly desire, they are lead to believe that there is a greater chance that other people will accept them. Evolution It could be said that what the media defines as being attractive and desirable has an evolutionary basis. This includes the hip to waist ratio for women and looking youthful and broad shoulders and being a certain height for men, amongst other things. The Ideal On one side someone can have an idea about the kind of person that they find attractive and on the other side will be the kind of person they actually end up with. And very often, the person they end up with is going to be completely different. Their personality might be the same as what they described, but their physical appearance is likely to be different. And as appearances are seen as being so important when it comes to whether someone is attractive or not, this might be hard to comprehend. Emotion Needs Through focusing on appearances alone, the media is overlooking how powerful peoples emotional needs are. Appearances may be enough to catch someone’s eye, but it doesn’t mean this person is capable of fulfilling their emotional needs. When an emotional connection is formed, it is often irrelevant if the other person looks like the Medias idea of what is attractive. What matters is that one feels safe with the other person and that they enjoy their company. Thinking Critically The media always has an agenda and this means that one can’t simply allow themselves to switch off and accept everything they are fed. Ultimately, it doesn’t matter whether one matches up to what is classed as attractive; what matters is whether they are comfortable with themselves. This is what makes someone attractive and this is something that can’t be sold by the media.
While human beings are inherently vulnerable, it doesn’t mean that they will always come across this way. And when this happens, they can come across as being unaffected by the challenges of life. This is not to be confused with people who are actually strong; as there are naturally going to be differences in what people can or can’t handle in life. What causes one person to suffer is not necessarily going to be the same for someone else. So it is to be expected that there will be people who not only appear as being stronger than others, but that they actually are. Not everyone on this planet has the same tolerance for pain and this can relate to: mental, emotional and physical pain. On The Inside And when someone has the need to always come across as strong around others, it is typically going to relate to what is taking place within them and not to their physical strength. What is going on for them at mental and emotional level will then end up being hidden from others. One will then keep their pain and suffering to themselves and do everything they can to stop anyone else from realising how they feel or what they are thinking. Other people can then have no idea what one is going through and one can even end up hiding it from themselves. Their mind can use a number of defence mechanisms to enable one to detach from their emotions. A Mystery This can mean that not only are other people oblivious to what one is really going through, it can also be something that one has no awareness themselves. And if other people don’t know what one is going through, it is not going to be possible for them to offer their support or to give one the help they truly need. So one will then suffer in silence and go without the help that is available to them. However, just because someone does need help from others, it doesn’t mean that they can admit it. Opening Up This could be due to what the people are like around them and it can also be the result of someone’s self image. They could be around people who are not interested in how they feel or what their challenges are. And if they were to open up, it could cause them to be rejected or criticised by the people around them. Or one could have the outlook that other people will only accept them if they hide certain parts of themselves. It then won’t matter if the help is around them as they won’t be able to embrace it. Being Human Every human on the planet is going to have moments where they feel down and overwhelmed for instance. And it won’t matter how strong they are or how connected they are to others. For example: people pass on, relationships end, jobs are lost and the unexpected happens. So no matter how resilient one is or how mentally and emotionally together they are, they are still going to have to face the trials and tribulations of life. This means that if another person comes across as always being strong, they likely to be hiding part of who they are. Identity This person is typically going to feel comfortable when it comes to talking about what is going well in their life or how successful they are, but uncomfortable when it comes to opening up about any challenges they may have. It will then be important for them to come across as being happy, highly capable and as though nothing ever fazes them. If they were to show the other side of themselves there is the chance that they won’t feel safe. Relating To Others When someone is this way, it is also going to make it harder for people to relate to them. It could mean that one is not able to have real relationships with other people, and all they have is people who look up to them or who only connect to them on an intellectual level. In order to have real relationships with others one is going to have to open up about not only their successes in life, but also their challenges. When someone is vulnerable and opens up, other people are going to be able to connect to them; whereas as if one acts strong all the time, it is going to be harder for people to relate to them. A Closer Look So as this person only feels safe when they are looking strong, it is going to stop them from being authentic. To be in a position where one feels they will be rejected or abandoned by others if they were to show their human side is going to create a lot of pressure. At one point in this person life they are going to have learnt that it is not acceptable for them to have needs. And this has then caused them to come across as needless and that they don’t need other peoples help. Childhood This could be the result of what happened in their childhood years and how their caregivers responded to their needs. One may have had to fulfil their caregiver’s needs and to deny their own. And while this allowed them to survive and to be accepted, it meant they had to disconnect from themselves. Awareness To open up and to reveal ones needs to others is then going to make them feel as though they did all those years ago. And the reason they would still feel the same can be because the emotional experience is still in their body. It might be necessary for one to seek the assistance of a therapist or a healer to move beyond this. Not only will they allow one to release their trapped emotions, they will also be able to give one to positive regard that they didn’t receive growing up.
At times, one is going to feel the need to help another; either through someone asking for help or as a result of one offering their hand without being asked. And as human beings need help from time to time, it is good thing that there are people like this in the world. To help another person as a one off or to help someone on the odd occasion is likely to make a positive difference in another person’s life. However, if one is constantly ‘helping’ the same person, it could be doing more harm than good. And this is because helping can soon turn into rescuing, and instead of giving another the support they need to move or to progress in life, one is keeping the other person in the same position. One is then an enabler and not longer a positive influence in another person’s life. In The Beginning When one comes across someone who needs help, it might be something that they do on the odd occasion. Here, one is used to helping others and is only too happy to do it, but this might be as far as it goes. They don’t have a history of rescuing others; they only have a history of helping others when they need it. So if one ends up in a situation where they are rescuing another, it will be a new experience for them A Pattern But for others, this will be something that is a way of life. Helping others is then just the beginning and before long, they will be doing a lot more than just helping them. The other person is then just someone else for them to rescue. This could relate to the kind of friends that one has, to what they are like with their family and to ones intimate relationships. And while other people might notice what is taking place, there is the chance that the rescuer is completely unaware of what is taking place. Stuck If they are unaware of what their behaviour is doing, they are not going to realise how harmful their behaviour is. Their behaviour could be causing another person to remain where they are or for their life to get worse. In the beginning this could relate to someone who feels disempowered or overwhelmed in some way, and through the actions of the rescuer, they begin to feel even more disempowered and overwhelmed. Dependent This then sets them up to depend on this persons help. The rescuer has then not helped the other person; they have simply prolonged their struggle. And if the rescuer pulls away, they are going to be in the same position they were in before or it could be even worse. It would be easy to come to the conclusion that the rescuer is completely different to the person they are trying to rescue. If one was to look at how they behave, this would be accurate. One person comes across as strong and powerful and the other person comes across as weak and powerless. Superiority The rescuer can come across as being superior and as possessing something that the other person doesn’t. And if they are spending their time around people who are struggling in some way, then it will allow them to feel as though they are stronger or more capable than others. But appearances are often deceiving and so this is far from the truth. In reality, the person one is rescuing is mirroring back something that one has denied within themselves. And as they are out of touch with that they need to heal within themselves, they end up attracting people who express what they hide. Ultimately, these are two sides of the same coin. The Difference Whereas the rescuer only feels safe when they are rescuing others, the person who is always being rescued only feels safe when they are being rescued. If they were to switch roles, they wouldn’t feel safe. There is the chance that they will switch roles from time to time, but these roles are likely to be the ones that feel the most comfortable to them. Integration So for the person who always tries to rescue others, it will be important for them to let go of the emotions that cause them to feel weak and vulnerable and to no longer project this side of them onto others. And for the person who is always being rescued, it will be important for them to let go of what stops them from embracing their strength and to no longer project it onto others. The rescuer is probably going to believe that they will only be accepted if they come across as strong and needless. And the other person is probably going to believe that they will only be accepted if they come across as weak and needy. Childhood One may have formed these beliefs during their childhood; with them only being accepted when they acted in a certain way. And while years have passed, they still have the same beliefs. And how they felt all those years ago may have remained trapped in their body. Awareness What one is not willing to face within themselves is what they will end up seeing in other people. And this will relate to what is ‘good’ and to what is ‘bad’. One way to know what one has denied within is to observe what one feels drawn to and what they feel repelled by. The assistance of a therapist or a healer may be needed to deal with these conflicting parts.
When someone is abused as a child, it is highly likely that they are going to have trouble feeling safe in life. This would have been something that they first experienced when they were growing up and something that has stayed with them throughout their adult years. So for some people, it will be easy to match their current experience with what happened many years ago. They will be aware of what took place and because of that; it is clear as to why they currently feel as they do. However, in some cases, one might find it hard to feel safe as an adult and have absolutely no idea why this is. Their body is then unable to relax and to feel at ease, but their mind has no insight into why this is. Normal And while this may seem strange, especially if one was abused as a child, it is actually normal. When one experiences something that is painful or traumatic, the mind can end up blocking it out as a way to ensure ones survival. And if one was a small child when they were abused, they would have needed to deal with the pain somehow. If no one else was around to stand up for them or to comfort them, then there wouldn’t have been any other option. Conditioning So time will have passed and this means the mind will have become conditioned over the years. These original experiences that remain in one’s body will then be overlooked by the mind. But this is not the only thing that can cause one to become disconnected from their body. When It Happened When one is abused by the people they look towards for their own survival, there is the chance that they will have to hide their true feelings. It is not going to be safe for them to express them: this could cause them to be harmed even more or to be abandoned for instance. And then there is also the chance that one was brought up to believe that their caregivers were always right and to respect them, regardless of what happened. This could be due to a certain religion that was followed or the result of social condition about what is right or wrong. Two Sides So what this can mean is that one can find it hard to feel safe internally due to what happened on one hand, and on the other hand, one might find that the conditioning they have received on top of this pain stops them from seeking the assistance they desperately need. This will be a challenge that one is faced with after they have been able to get through their mind and into their body. when one is caught up in their mind and out of touch with what their body is telling them, they might just feel unsafe without knowing why. The Mind In order for one to process what is going on in their body, they are going to have no deal with the obstacles that the mind will create. This may relate to an idealised image that one has of their abuser/s; with this image stopping one from having to face their emotional truth. One might also wonder what the other people in their family will think if they were to reveal what happened. Guilt and shame can also arise and make one question if they are doing the right thing. And to engage in any of these things can cause one to feel fear, and this could stop them from going any further. The Body However, no matter what one’s mind is saying, it is the body that needs to be listened to. The body knows what happened all those years ago and this won’t change just because the mind doesn’t want to face the pain or because it has been conditioned to believe something else. But if one doesn’t feel safe, they are not going to be able to embrace the truth of what happened. And telling oneself that they need to feel safe and/or trying to force this is unlikely to work either. Feeling Safe In order for one to open up, they will need to feel that it is safe for them to do so. When they experience this on the outside, they will be able to experience it on the inside. But just being in an environment that is safe might not be enough. This is why the assistance of a therapist or a healer is so important in this process. If one doesn’t feel safe on the inside, it might not matter how safe their external environment is; as their inner experience can end up being projected onto others. Awareness One could have a therapist or a healer, but as a result of not feeling safe, their healing could be sabotaged. Or it could mean that they are still building up their trust and as time passes, they will gradually open up. What matters is that one feels safe and when they do, it will make it will enable one to open up and to let go.
As human beings, it is normal to want to look good, to give things, and to experience success for example. And yet, it is also possible for one to engage in each of these things just to impress others. To do this from time to time could be described as normal, but if one was to do this as a way of life, it is not going to be healthy. If one does do this as a way of life, they are going to end up being disconnected from their own needs and wants for one thing. Ones priority is then not following their own truth, it is gaining the approval of other people. Now, this could relate to their friends and family and it can also include people that one doesn’t even know. It could be irrelevant who one impresses; as long as they do impress others. This shows that their attention is external and not internal. At times, what one does is going to impress others, but there will also be times when it won’t. Personal Power Through looking towards others as a way of life and ignoring their own truth, they are going to end up giving their personal power away. So the people that one knows and the people that they don’t know are going to be in control of one’s life. And this won’t be the only thing that they have no control over, it is also going to affect how they feel. If ones actions do impress others they will be fine, but if they don’t, one could end up being all over the place. Emotional Instability To avoid feeling a certain way, one is going to do all they can to look good in the eyes of other people. When this doesn’t happen, one could feel really low and then before long, they could start doing something else to try to impress others. The whole thing could become a vicious cycle and one will feel like they’re on a treadmill that never stops. And all the while that one is gaining the responses they want; they are going to be fine. The Challenge One of the biggest problems here is that it is not going to possible for one to always impress others. And what impresses someone at one moment might not impress them in the next; with there being the chance that one might need to do even more just to get the same reaction as time goes by. However, although it is clear to see that this is something that is only going to cause problems and distract one from what truly matters, there is a benefit to this behaviour. So while impressing others will cause one to experience pain, it will also allow them to feel good. Ending The Game And all the time one is gaining the feedback they desire from others, it is highly unlikely that they are going to put an end up this game. This is understandable; for if one experiences more pleasure than pain, then why would they do anything different? At least two occurrences could put an end to this game. The first is that one starts to have experiences where they can no longer impress others, and this is going to stand out if they are used to impressing others. Another thing that could do it is if ones awareness increases and they see this dynamic for what it is. Out Of Balance And when one is gaining the approval of others, through impressing them, it is going to be for what they are doing and not for who they are. Now, if what one was doing was an expression of their true self, then this approval would healthy. But as this approval is for what one is doing, and what one is doing is a result of their need to meet other people’s needs and not their own, it means that their relationships with others are going to be out of balance. Being And Doing One is then not being themselves and having people in their life who value them for who they are. The people in their life might only be there because of what one does and not for who they are. And all the time one is in a place of doing and not being, they are not giving other people the chance to value who they really are. Their behaviour is going to attract people who resonate with the role they play and not for who they really are. Self Worth When one feels the need to always impress others in order to be accepted, it is probably because they feel that other people won’t accept them for who they are. They are likely to feel as though they are not enough and that in order to be enough, they need to constantly impress others. Childhood And one reason they feel this way can be due to how they were treated during their childhood. Their caregivers may have only accepted them when they did what they wanted and not for who they were. This then sets them up to believe that their worth is based on what they do and not on who they are. To be brought up this way would have caused one to feel worthless and that they are not good enough. Awareness Time will have passed, but all the time the emotional experience of the past stays in one’s body, one is still going to feel the same. These trapped emotions will need to be released and one might need to receive the validation that they didn’t receive all those years ago. This can be done with the assistance of a therapist or a healer.
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Oliver JR CooperAuthor of 26 books, Transformational Writer, Teacher & Consultant. Introductory Consultation
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Disclaimer
That which is contained within these articles is based on my own empirical understanding and is true for me at the time they were written. However, as I continue to grow, what I perceive as the truth will inevitably change and as a result of this - parts of these articles may not reflect my current outlook.
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