It is often said that when one door closes, another door opens, and what this shows is that the end of one thing can be the beginning of another. However, in order for someone to walk through a new door, they will need to walk away from the old door.
Yet, even though the old door has closed, it doesn’t mean that one is able to walk through the new door. Instead, they might end up staying by the old door (even though it has closed), and do everything they can to avoid the new door that has been opened. And if they haven’t stepped away from the old door, they might not even realise that a new door has opened. In this case, they are not going to be focused on the here and now; they are going to be consumed by what has happened. Being Present It is not possible for someone to be present if they are stuck in the past, and this is going to stop them from being able to embrace the opportunities that are available. This is not to say that someone should force themselves to be present; as this will show that one is not working with themselves. What is causing someone to be caught up in the past is not just something they need to ignore; it is something they need to listen to. Just like a child that calls out for their parent - the part of oneself, which is caught up in the past, is also calling out to be heard. Rejection If the child is rejected, and this is something that takes place on a regular basis, there is a strong chance that they will end up with all kinds’ problems. The same is going to apply when someone rejects those parts of themselves that are trying to communicate with them. It might be possible for them to ignore what they are hearing in the short-term, without too many problems arising, but as time passes, this is not going to be the case. In the words of Carl Jung - the unfaced and unfelt parts of our psyche are the source of all our neurosis and suffering. The End When something comes to an end, one might be only too aware of how they feel, and then as time passes, they might end up being disconnected from how they feel. If they end up being cut-off, it is likely to be because they couldn’t handle the pain. They are unlikely to have been focused on what will happen in the long-term if they were to avoid their feelings. And if they were feeling overwhelmed, and they didn’t believe that they could handle the pain, it is going to be normal for them to suppress their feelings. The Only Option The option they choose was the only one that was available to them, and the people around them might have encouraged them to avoid their feelings. They could tell them that they need to move on, and that there is no point in being stuck in the past. There is also the chance that one has the need to look strong, and doesn’t believe that other people will accept them if they come across as being vulnerable. Regardless of why one feels the need to hide how they feel, it is not going to be possible for them to embrace their emotional experience. Relationships When a relationship comes to an end, it could be said that one door has closed, and that another door will soon open. One approach would be for someone to start a new relationship as a way to feel better. Another approach would be for someone to face the loss and to allow themselves to grieve. This doesn’t mean they won’t start another relationship; what it means is that they will take their time. Preparation Through grieving the loss, one will be doing what they need to do to prepare for the next relationship that they have. They could find someone else to distract them from how they feel, but they are taking a more conscious approach. And because they are facing how they feel, they will be doing what they need to do in order to be emotionally available for the next person they meet. This will make it possible for them to share not only their mind and body; it will also allow them to share their heart. Retraction However, although someone can end up being drawn to someone else to avoid how they feel or work through their pain, they can also end up retracting. In this case, they will avoid starting another relationship as a way to stop themselves from having to face the excruciating sense of loss that is within them. This is not to say that one will do this consciously; as it could be something that just happens. On one side, it will stop them from being able to let someone in, but on the other, it will stop them from having to face how they feel. Two Types of Pain While not letting people in is going to create pain, it is going to be seen as something that pales in comparison to the pain they would experience if they were to grieve and to gradually let people into their life. This type of pain can end up lasting forever, whereas, if one was to grieve, there would come a time where it would end. If one used to let people in and then they cut them off after a relationship came to an end, they will know what it is like to let people in, but this might be something they have experienced for most of their life. As a result of this, they might not know what it is like to let people in. Awareness In order for one to open themselves up, it is going to be important for them to get in touch with how they feel, and to cry out the pain that is within them. If one is out of touch with how they feel or if they don’t feel comfortable facing how they feel, they might need the assistance of a therapist and/or a support group.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk/
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In today’s world, it is easy for someone to end up being obsessed when it comes to their appearance. The need to look good is nothing new, but what is new is the pressure that someone can experience through using social media.
They no longer need to be around people; the only thing they need to do is go online. However, while there is only so much they can do in the real world when it comes to looking good, there are many ways for them to change their appearance on the internet. Picture Editing There is no need for someone to be an expert when it comes to editing pictures, and this is because of how easy it is to do this through social media. If someone has taken a picture that doesn’t make them ‘look good’, all they need to do is to make a few changes. In the past this may have meant that a picture was no good and that it had to be deleted, but this is no longer necessary. Through making these changes, one can make themselves look ‘perfect’. Caught Up When someone looks good, they are more likely to be accepted by others. In this sense, the need to look good is an important part of someone getting the positive feedback that they need from others. However, if one is viewing pictures that have been edited to look ‘perfect’, they can end up feeling greater pressure to look good themselves. Or if they are already caught up in the need to look perfect, they may feel the need to maintain a certain standard. Fitting In Through playing this game, it is going to be important for them to maintain the image that they have presented up until this point. If they were to share pictures that were not up to a certain standard, they may fear that they will end up being rejected by others. The need to fit in is nothing new, but what is relatively new is that one no longer needs to be in other people’s presence. Simply looking at a screen is enough for someone to end up being focused on whether other people accept them or not. Approval In the ‘real world’ people show their approval through how they behave, but when it comes to social media, it is shown in different ways. When it comes to whether someone believes that other people accept them online, it can depend on how many ‘likes’ they receive on what they share, and on how many ‘friends’ and ‘followers’ they have. It might no matter whether they know the people who ‘like’ what they share or not; what matters is that what they share is approved of by others. Whether they feel good or not can then depend on how many likes they receive from others. Interdependent This could then set one up to be dependent on how other people view them, and this is going to put them in precarious position. Human beings are interdependent, and this means they need other people’s approval. However, not only is it impossible for everyone to approve of them, it is not necessary for this to occur. One could do everything they can to please everyone, and this is not only going to create pain, it is also going to cause them to disconnect from their true self. The Priority If was to live their life based on their need to please others, they are not going to be able to fulfil their real needs. It then won’t matter how much approval they receive, as there is going to be a sense that something is missing. This is not to say that using social media and getting caught up in the need to please others will cause someone to completely disconnect from themselves. But if someone’s view of themselves is defined by how other people respond to them on social media, it is going to affect the rest of their life. Emotional State Someone’s emotional state can end up being defined by how other people respond to what they share, and it can also be affected by how other people respond to what their ‘friends’ share. And as well as this, how they feel can also be defined by what other people share about their life. For instance, if another person has just started a new job or a new relationship, it could cause one to experience envy. And based on how another person is experiencing life, it could cause one to end up feeling depressed. Hopeless There are many factors involved when it comes to depression, but one of the common factors relates to feeling hopeless. And if someone is in a position where they are dependent on others for approval, and they are constantly comparing their life with people they know or who are ‘famous’, it is to be expected that they will feel depressed. If they have been caught up in social media for a long time, they might not realise how it is affecting their well-being. Yet, all the time they continue to do the same things, it is not going to be possible for them to change how they feel. Conclusion The first step will be for someone to be aware of how their well-being is being affected through using social media. This is not to say that they need to stop using it, but what it does mean is that they will need to take a step back, and to reflect on what changes they need to make. This may mean that they only use social media to connect with their friends as opposed to looking at what other people are doing. It might also be important for them to look at why they need so much approval, and to look towards their friends and family to give them the positive feedback that they need.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk/
While someone can be by themselves, it doesn’t mean they will end up feeling lonely. This is similar how someone can be around others and still end up feeling as though they are by themselves.
What this shows is that it can all depend on how one feels in their own company, and how they feel in the company of the people they are with. The ideal with be for one to be able to be by themselves and around others without feeling as though they are cut-off. An Important Need Human beings are interdependent, and this means that they need others. For instance, one’s sense of self it not something that exits in isolation; it only exists through the mirroring that other people give them. If they no longer receive this external feedback, their sense of self would begin to disappear, and they would probably end up going mad. This doesn’t mean that one needs to be around others all the time; it means that they will need to spend time with them. True Self But if one is unable to be themselves, and they end up wearing ‘a mask’, it is not going to be possible for them to feel connected to others. And it won’t matter if they are around people who encourage them to play a role or not. In this case, they might find that it is only possible for them to be ‘real’ when they are by themselves. Yet, as they are unable to be real around others, they are not going to able to receive what they need from them. Lonely If they were able to receive the support that they need when they are around others, there will be less chance of them feeling lonely. This is because their needs will be met by others, and they won’t be in a position where they have to hide their true self. When their true self goes into hiding around others, the people they spend their time with are going to meet the needs of their false self. As a result of this, it won’t matter how long they spend around others; as they are still going to feel lonely. Two Roles Someone could be an extravert or they could be an introvert, but it won’t matter. How many friends someone has or how often they go out might have no effect whosoever on how connected they feel to others. If someone is unable to reveal their true feelings and needs, it is not going to be possible for them to feel connected to others. Being around others might remove some of the pain they feel through feeling cut-off, but it won’t do much else. Regulation For example, if one was to take part in some kind of exercise in order experience inner peace, they might feel more at ease once they have finished, but it won’t be long until they feel the same. This shows that it is not that they are experiencing peace; it is just that they have regulating how they feel for a short time. And although one will feel slightly better through being around others, they are still going to be in a position where their true self is not being seen. The pain that is removed through being around others is then supplanted by the pain that is created through having to hide around them. Trapped So as It is then not possible for them to be themselves, they could end up feeling as though there is nowhere for them to turn. It might not matter how big their family is, how many friends they have, or whether they are in a relationship. On one side they desperately want other people to acknowledge their true self, but on the other side, it is not something they feel comfortable with. What this shows is that although they are experiencing pain thorough hiding, they believe that it would more painful to reveal themselves. Confusion This is not necessarily something they think about at a conscious level, but it is going to the outlook that defines their behaviour. There are going to be people who don’t feel the need to wear ‘a mask’, and this could be how their life has always been. If they were to open up, and to share what is taking place with another person, they might be met with confusion. The other person might wonder why they feel the need to hide themselves, and this could cause them to question why they have this outlook. Flawed As they begin to get in touch with how they feel, they may feel as though they wouldn’t be accepted if they were to reveal their feelings and needs. And as their true self is not acceptable, it is only possible for them to survive through having a false self. One is not going to believe that they have a right to exist, and that they are a valuable human being; they are going to feel as though they are worthless. Other people will be seen as having something they don’t have, and this is because they feel as though they are inherently flawed. Toxic Shame What this shows is that one is carrying toxic shame, and unlike healthy shame, this it has no purpose. And as one feels as though there is something inherently wrong with them, it is going to be normal for them to hide themselves. Their whole being will have been infiltrated, and it this will have caused them to be disconnected from their inherent worth. However, although one may have become accustomed to living in this way, there is a reason why this is how they experience life. Childhood There is the chance that their childhood was less-than nurturing, and this would have meant their needs were rarely, if ever, met. Instead, they may have abused and/or neglected. During these early years, it wouldn’t have been possible for them to realise that there was nothing wrong with them. How they were treated would have been seen as a reflection of their worth, and not a reflection of their caregivers own issues. Awareness In order for one to feel connected to others, and to no longer hide their true self, it will be important for them to let go off their toxic shame. On one side, this will involve facing how they feel, and on the other, it will be important for their inherent worth to be affirmed. This is something that can take place with the assistance of a therapist, supportive friend and/or a support group. Through facing their toxic shame until the charge begins to discharge, and receiving the positive regard that they didn’t receive during their early years, it will be possible for them to gradually let go of the their shame-based identity. It may also be important for them to grieve their unmet childhood needs.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk/
If someone was to spend their time around people who have just experienced a breakup, they are unlikely to have the same experience with each person. They could find that although one person is in a bad way, another could come across though they haven’t been affected.
And they could also come into contact with someone who is not in a bad way, but neither are they in a position where it hasn’t affected them. What this shows is that people react differently to a breakup, and how there is no such thing as a ‘right way’ or ‘wrong way’. Keeping It In One person could hide how they feel, and this could cause other people to believe that they haven’t been affected. They might describe them as being mentally and emotionally strong, and this could cause them to feel good about themselves. This could be something they do consciously, and they are therefore aware of the fact that they are not facing their emotions. And at the same time, this could be something that they do without realising it. Unaware In this case, it is not that they are consciously hiding how they feel; it is that this is something that just happens. Before their emotions have the chance to come into their awareness, they are pushed out-of-the-way. The face they show to the world is then not a true reflection of what is taking place within them. It is then not possible for one to be a whole human being; they are in a divided state. Emotional Build Up And as they are unable to face how they feel, and to process what is taking place, it is going to build up. Intellectually, one can believe that their emotional pain has disappeared, and this could be because they no longer feel the same. Yet, even if they don’t feel the same, it doesn’t mean that their emotional pain is no longer within them. What it is likely to mean is that it has ended up being trapped in their body. Showing It If, on the other hand, one was to show they feel, they might end up being told that they need to ‘move on’ or to ‘let go’. In this case, it will show that it is not possible for the people around them to empathise with how they feel. There is also the chance that they will receive the support that they need, and that the people around them will empathise with them. This will mean that one won’t need to feel ashamed, and it will allow them to process how they feel. Putting On an Act However, even if someone does come across as though they haven’t been affected, it doesn’t mean that other people will see them as being mentally and emotionally strong. They could see come to the conclusion that they are just avoiding how they feel. Yet, it could also come down to the fact that the breakup didn’t affect them, and this means they are not putting on an act or denying how they feel. This could also mean that the relationship didn’t last for very long or that they didn’t have a connection, but this might not be the case. Loss There are then going to be other people who feel overwhelmed by loss, and it might not matter how long the relationship lasted or how well they got on. Their experience is then not the same as someone who feels a sense of loss without being overwhelmed. One way of looking at this would be to say that they have a balanced response, and that the person who feels overwhelmed is out of balance. But to say this would create the impression that there is only one way to respond when a relationship ends. Broken When a relationships comes to an end, one can feel as though the have lost part of themselves, and this is because they have lost someone who was part of their life. Through being with them, one would have developed an attachment, and this would have played a part in how they experienced life. Now that this attachment has been broken, it is no longer possible for them to receive what they used to receive. Through losing the other person, one can respond in same way as they would if someone had died. Grief And when one experiences loss, they are going to experience grief; it won’t matter that the other person is still alive. This is because the way they used to experience life has come to an end. What can cause a breakup be even more painful is if one is already carrying grief. There is then the current grief of losing the other person, and the grief that has remained within them from previous losses that have not been grieved. Overwhelmed Through carrying this pain within them, it is going to be normal for them to feel overwhelmed when a relationship comes to an end. And it won’t matter how long it lasted, or whether they actually had a strong connection. The other person will have triggered what has built-up within them, and unless one realises what is taking place, they could believe that it relates to the relationship that has just come to an end. If this happens, it can cause them to see this as a sign that they are meant to be with the other person. The Past As a result of this, they might try do everything they can do get back with their ex. Now, this might be the right thing for them to do or it could end up being the wrong approach for them to take. But if one is in so much pain, and they believe the other person is the sole cause of their pain, it is going to be normal for them to end up being obsessed with their ex and to want to get back with them. The sense of loss that they are experiencing might also include previous breakups that were not grieved, and/or it could relate to other losses. Awareness It is going to be important for one to face how they feel, and to cry out the pain that is within them. However, this is not something one has to do by themselves, and the external support can be provided by a therapist and/or a support group. If one was to face this pain by themselves, it might be too much, and this could stop them from grieving. So through the external support, it will be easier for them to process the pain within them. This is not going to happen overnight, but it is going to be important for them to stay with this process.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk/
One person could watch a film and think it’s one of the best films ever, and another could watch the same film and believe it is one of the worst. What this shows is how people have different outlooks, and just because one person likes something, it doesn’t me another person will.
Now, this could be because what fulfils one persons needs doesn’t fulfil another’s, or it could be due to another reason. If it relates to another reason, it could come down to the fact that one person is being ‘subjective’ and the other is being ‘objective’. Another way of looking at this would be to say that if one person likes something, it doesn’t matter whether it looks right, tastes as it should or sounds perfect, for instance, what matters is that they enjoy it. Whereas, the other person could believe that something has to look right, taste as it should or sound right. Rigid If the first person was to spend time with the second person, they may end up saying that they are too rigid, and that they need to be more flexible. They may say that it is not necessary for something to be a certain way in order for it to be enjoyable. However, the other person could say that it doesn’t come down to the need to be more flexible, and that there is a reason why things have to be done right. For example, they could say that if something doesn’t taste right, it shows that it hasn’t been cooked properly. Two Sides So on one side is going to be the outlook that someone has and how this outlook affects their behaviour, and on the other side, is going to be the effect this has on others. If someone generally appreciates something regardless of whether it is ‘done right’, they are likely to have a positive impact on others. Yet, if someone has the opposite outlook, they may end up having a negative effect on others. They could be seen as someone who is highly critical, and this could cause others to avoid them. Another perspective But even though the first person is generally going to have a positive effect on others, they could also be seen as someone who doesn’t always speak their mind. And while some people will see the other person as being highly critical, there are going to be others who see them as someone who speaks their mind. What this shows is that this is not black and white, and that there will be times when one will be able to enjoy something no matter how it is done, and other times when they will need to speak up if it isn’t done in a certain way. One Side If someone has a young child, and they go and watch them take part in a play, it will be important for them to appreciate what they have done. This doesn’t mean they have to act as though they were amazing (that’s if this isn’t the case), but at such a young age it is more about the fact they were involved, and not on how well they acted. They are showing their support, and this will play a vital role in their child being able to grow into a well-adjusted adult. If their child still wanted to act as the years passed by, it will be important for them to give constructive feedback. The Other Side Unless they do this, they could stop them from moving forward, and they could also end up believing that they are better than they are. When someone is learning how to drive a car, for instance, it is going to be important for them to receive constructive criticism. The reason for is that if they don’t drive in the right way, they might not only harm themselves, they could also harm others. As a result of this, it is not possible for their driving instructor to just overlook what they are doing wrong. Constructive Criticism This constructive criticism will allow them to realise what they are doing wrong, and it will then be possible for them to do the right things. There is no need for them to be critical for the sake of it, and to shame their student. If they were to do this, it might undermine their self-confidence, and their driving could get even worse. However, although one will expect to receive constructive criticism in this context, it is not always going to be the case in other areas of their life. Destructive Criticism There will be times where people are critical for no reason, or if they do have a reason, they are not going to take the time to offer constructive criticism. Instead, they will use the opportunity to put another person down, and to shame them. Destructive criticism is going to have a negative effect on most people, but just because someone offers constructive criticism, it doesn’t mean that it will be taken in the right way. One could end up feeling as though they are being attacked, and it won’t matter whether they are on the receiving end of constructive or destructive criticism. Interpretation When they feel as though they are being attacked, it is likely to come down to how they are interpreting what is being said. This can be sign that they are unable to hear what is being said, and this could be because of how they see themselves. On the inside, they may believe that they are inherently flawed, and that there is something wrong with them. If this is the case, it is likely to mean that they are carrying toxic shame. Toxic Shame So instead of them being able to hear what is being said without taking it personally, or only having the odd moments where they do take what they hear personally, everything they hear is going to be ‘taken to heart’. It then won’t matter what other peoples intentions are, or even if they realise that it wasn’t meant to cause them harm. Toxic shame is going to make one feel as though they are worthless, and this not just going to relate to what they believe, it is going to be something that has infiltrated their whole being. The Cause The reason one feels as though they are less-than human is likely to come down to what took place during their childhood years. This would have been a time where their needs and wants were rarely, if ever, met. Instead, one would have been abused and/or neglected, and this would have caused them to develop the outlook that they have no value. And as they were treated in this way during their formative years, it wouldn’t have been possible for them to realise their inherent worth, and their right to exist. Awareness When it comes to moving beyond this challenge, it will be important for one to let go of the toxic shame that is within them, and for their inherent worth to be affirmed. This is likely to be a time where one will need to grieve their unmet childhood needs, and to tolerate their toxic shame until it begins to discharge. The assistance of a therapist and/or a support group may be needed here.
If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article, as many others have.
Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk/
When it comes to moving forward in life, it is going to be important for someone to be able to make decisions. This doesn’t mean that this will allow them to always make the right decisions, but it will give them the chance to make the right ones.
If, on the other hand, they didn’t make any decisions, they are unlikely to end up living the kind of life that they want to lead. This is because although they are not making the decisions that they need to make to move forward, they are still making decisions. Inaction For example, someone can either take action or they can avoid taking action, but no matter what they do, they are still taking action. In this case, their inaction is another form of action. One can believe that they are not making a decision by putting something off, but this is nothing more than an illusion. It is not possible for them to put their life on hold; it is still taking place no matter what they do. The Right Time In their mind, they might be waiting for the right time to make a decision, and there is then no reason for them to rush into anything. There are going to be times in everyone’s life where they need to wait for the right moment, however, this approach is not going to apply to every decision they need to make. When someone is unable to make decisions and always needs to wait for the right time, it is going to be another way for them to avoid taking action. Another way to describe this would be to say that they are ‘procrastinating’. Fast While people who are successful are likely to have moments where they take their time, it has been sad that they are able to make decisions fast. Their ability to ‘seize the moment’ allows them to embrace the opportunities that are available as opposed to waiting until it’s too late. And unless one is aware of what is taking place here, it can be easy for them to come to the wrong conclusions. They could believe that people who are successful have something they don’t have, or that they are ‘lucky’. Intuition And just as lifting weights will improve one’s muscles, making decisions will improve their ability to make decisions. Their ability to makes decisions is then not the result of something they have that others don’t, it partly comes down to the fact they are used to making them. This can mean that someone takes a bit of time to do their research or they might just ‘know’ that they are doing the right thing. When this happens, it could be said that one is using their intuition, and there is then no reason for them to think. Experience One way of looking at this would be to say that they are tapping into something, but it could also just come down to experience. Based on what they have been through before, part of them is able to recognise when they need to embrace something or whether they need to hold back. However, if it wasn’t for the experiences that they have had, it might not be possible for them to just ‘know’. Therefore, on the surface it can look as though they have something others don’t, but if one was to look closer, they may see that it just comes down to the experiences they have had. In The Middle There are then going to be other people who might have moments where they are unable to make decisions, but it won’t stop them altogether. Or they may have a certain area or a number of areas in their life where they find it difficult. This could be a challenge if it relates to a certain area, such as their career. It then won’t matter whether they are able to make decisions in other areas of their life as this one area is going to impact the rest of their life. The other Side On the other side of the spectrum will be people who are unable to make decisions, and they will end up being stuck. They might realise what is taking place, or they might not be aware of what is happening. What this is going to show is that they are experiencing inner conflict, and while this is to be expected, it is defining their life. When people are able to make decisions, it is not that every part of them is in agreement, it is that they are able to put these opposing views to one side and to act regardless of the conflict that is within them. Conflict If they were to get in touch with what stops them from making a decision, they may find that it relates their need to please others, or it could come down to a fear of failure. This is going to mean that they are focused on other people’s needs, and if they were to listen to themselves, they might end up feeling guilty and ashamed. When it comes down to the fear of failure, they may believe that it is not possible for them to make a mistake. If they were to make a mistake, it could cause them to feel as though they are worthless. Childhood During their childhood years, they may have had to focus on their caregivers needs and this would have stopped them from being be to listen to themselves. This then sets them up to experience conflict when it comes to fulfilling their own needs. They can’t just go about fulfilling their needs; as this will cause them to feel as though they are doing something wrong. Not making a decision is then a way for them to stop themselves from being rejected and abandoned. This may also have been a time where one’s caregivers were highly critical and abusive, and this would have meant that it wasn’t acceptable for them to make mistakes. Through these experiences, one would have ended up feeling as though they are inherently flawed, and this is why it is important for them avoid situations that may cause them to be exposed. Awareness In this case, one is going to be carrying toxic shame, and this mean that they will fear that other people will abandon them if they were to find out who they really are. This is because toxic shame will have infiltrated their whole being. When it comes to their need to please others, it is going to relate to their need to survive. It is not that they need to please others in order to survive; it is that they are still seeing life as they did as a child. To let go of their inner conflict, it will be important for them to grieve their unmet childhood needs, and to face their toxic shame until it begins to discharge. This is something that can take place with the assistance of a therapist and/or a support group.
If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article, as many others have.
Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk/
It is often said that human beings can allow their life to be defined by love or fear, and while one is often seen as destructive and the other is often seen as constructive, they both have a purpose. However, problems will arise when someone allows their life to be defined by fear.
Another approach would be to say that love is the answer, and how one’s life would be fine if they allowed love to be their guide as opposed to fear. Yet, although this can sound right, it doesn’t mean that it is always the best approach. This would be the same as saying sitting down all the time is unhealthy, and that one should exercise everyday. Clearly, sitting down all day is not good for one’s health, but exercising everyday is not necessarily going to be the best option either. From One Extreme to the Other If one was an athlete, and needed to prepare for a competition, it might be important for them to train every day. But at the same time, they will also need to have time off in order to allow their body to heal. It might not be easy for someone to realise this if they have spent their whole life avoiding exercise. Based on what they have been doing, it could seem like the right option to take. Guidance In this case, one is going to be aware of how they might be setting themselves up to have physical problems in the long run. The signs may be there already, but all the time they believe that they only have two options; it is going to affect their ability to listen to their body. Just as if one was to believe that there is either love or fear, it is going to stop them from realising that each side has a purpose. And how fear itself is not the problem; what is the problem is when it takes over. Love When one comes from a place of love it is going to allow them to open them up to life, and to see that there are many possibilities. If, on the other hand, they come from a place of fear, they are going to be closed off to life, and they won’t be able to see the possibilities that are available. However, there are going to be times when it will be important for one to close off, and while it will limit their possibilities; it will be in their best interests. This doesn’t mean that one will stay closed forever, what it means is that there will be times in their life where they need to protect themselves. Example If one was in a relationship that is unhealthy, it may be important for them to walk away and to withdraw their love. The fear that one experiences in this situation is not just the result of the thoughts in their head, it is based on the reality of the situation. While they could have ignored the fear that they were experiencing, it would have only caused them more harm. In this case, their need to love the other person has taken a back seat, and the fear within them has defined their actions. Assistance Once they are no longer with the other person, it should be possible for them to open their heart once more and for their body to settle down. One has then been assisted by their fear, and it hasn’t been something that has had a destructive impact on their life. It could also be said that while one wasn’t expressing love towards the other person, they were expressing it to themselves. This would mean that love and fear have worked together, and this has allowed them to stay in balance. Out of Control When someone is unable to move forward because of how much fear they are experiencing, it shows that they are out of balance. They are not being assisted by their fear; it has taken over their life. This is not something that has to relate to every area of their life either; as if it only relates to one area it can still have a big impact. So the sooner one is able to see through their fear, the better their life will be. It’s all in the Mind If they were to do their own research or to speak to someone else, they may end up hearing that it is ‘all in the mind’. This could be something they are familiar with, or it may be something they have heard for the first time. Based on this, it will be important for them to change their thinking, and put their fear to one side. They might hear that the more they face their fear, the easier it will be for them to take action regardless of how they feel. Feel the Fear And Do It Anyway One can then come to the conclusion that the best approach is for them to ‘feel the fear and do it anyway’. For if they don’t do this, it will just get stronger, and this will make it harder for them to take action. And as it is ‘all in the mind’, there is no reason why this wouldn’t be the right approach to take. However, what if it isn’t ‘all in the mind’, and what if it can relate to what is taking place in the body? Two Ways To say that fear is all in the mind is the same as saying one’s mind defines how they feel. While it can sound accurate, it is not the complete truth; it is a half truth. Therefore, although what is taking place in their mind can cause their body to experience fear, this doesn’t mean that this is always the case. Instead, the fear in their body can end up causing them to have a fearful outlook. Trauma The fear in their body is likely to have been caused by trauma, and while this may have been a one-off experience, it could relate to a number of experiences. These could be experiences that one has had in their adult years and/or they could go back to their childhood. If it relates to something that happened during their adult years, it might be possible for them to remember, whereas, if it is due to what happened during their childhood, they might not remember. This could relate to some kind of accident or to abuse that they have experienced. Retraumatise While it would be easy for someone who is carrying trauma to come to the conclusion that they need to ‘feel the fear and do it anyway’, this could cause them to be retraumatised. Now, this is not to say that they should allow their life to be defined by fear, what it means is that they may need to take a different approach. If one is carrying trauma and they believe that is ‘all in the mind’, they can end up forming an outlook that doesn’t match up with reality. For example, they could believe that the reason they don’t take action is because they are weak or lack courage, and not realise that it has nothing to do these factors and everything to do with the trauma within them. Awareness When an approach is positioned as being the only way, it is to be expected that some people will end up being sent down the wrong path. What works for one person might not work for someone else, and this is why it is important for one to listen to themselves. Just because one approach is popular or is promoted by an ‘expert’, it doesn’t mean it is the right option for everyone. And if one is carrying trauma, it will be important for them to seek professional help.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk/ |
Oliver JR CooperAuthor of 26 books, Transformational Writer, Teacher & Consultant. Introductory Consultation
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Disclaimer
That which is contained within these articles is based on my own empirical understanding and is true for me at the time they were written. However, as I continue to grow, what I perceive as the truth will inevitably change and as a result of this - parts of these articles may not reflect my current outlook.
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