There are some people who have the ability or the skill to do something and yet, that is as far as it goes. And this is going to mean that they end up wasting what they have and it will always be a mystery as to what they could have achieved.
In other cases, there are going to be people who put in the work to achieve their goals but just before they reach their target, they stop. And this can be someone who is full of ability or someone who isn’t.
So what is missing in the first example is taking action in general and in the second example, it is consistent action. When one doesn’t take action, it won’t matter how capable they are, as nothing is going to happen. And if one doesn’t take consistent action, it still won’t matter how capable they are, as they are not going to hang in there until the end.
Ups And Downs
If life was always straight forward and there were no ups and downs, it would be a lot easier. But the downside to this is that it would soon become boring and one wouldn’t grow as much. Life would be something that one has sussed out and then they are no longer going to be challenged or stretched in any way.
And without the pressure that these ups and downs create, one would begin to regress; for it is the pressure and the tension that enables one to growth. Just like a how muscles need tension in order to grow; without this tension, they will soon disappear.
At times, one will find that they are able to progress without too many challenges arising; it is then relatively easy for them to achieve something. Then there will be others times, where they will be faced with all kinds of challenges.
Part of them may want to ‘throw the towel in’ and simply give up. Especially if this is a challenge that appears out of nowhere and makes them question themselves. This could relate to if they are doing the right thing or if it’s even possible to achieve what they want to achieve.
So one could give up and do something else and if what they were doing was not that important to them, then this might be the best option. And this is something one will have to decide for themselves.
Other people will might be able to advise them or to offer suggestions, but they can do much else. One will have to reflect on what truly matters to them and this may mean that letting go of what they were working towards if the best option.
If one decides that what they are doing is the right thing, then it is going to be important for them to keep going. This will be a time to get in touch with what matters to them and to imagine how it will feel if they were unable to fill their goals.
One is then going to realise that it is not something they can just walk away from; it is something they have to achieve. It then won’t matter what other people say or what they come up against, as their inner vision is going to be far stronger than any external obstacle that they come up against.
This doesn’t mean that one keeps going without being open to feedback or new information though. What it means is that one is willing to do whatever it takes, no matter what they come up against.
At times it will be important for them to change course and to adapt in some way. Just like how when a road is closed, one will have to drive through a different route to get to the same location.
One wouldn’t resist this change; they would simply drive along the new route. And while ones goal is generally going to stay the same, there is always the chance that the process of achieve that goal will change.
If one was to run out of fuel, it wouldn’t matter what route was available as they wouldn’t be able to take it. They could have the greatest car on the earth and yet, it won’t make any difference.
Once they have the fuel, it won’t necessarily matter what car they have, as they will have what they need to move forward. And this is what persistence is, it is the fuel that one needs to move towards their goals.
The car relates to one’s ability and while having a brand new car can make a journey more pleasurable; if the car has no fuel, it won’t matter. So if one has the ability to achieve something but doesn’t use it, it is not going to matter.
This is why persistence and not ability is what matters. As long as one keeps going and is willing to adapt, they are not going to achieve what they want to achieve. External support is also going to be important at each stage and during those moments when one is on the ropes, so to speak.
No one is their own island and we all need other people’s assistance. It might just be a short chat or a few words of support and one is then back on track. What matters is that one reaches out when they need to and doesn’t give up.
If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article, as many others have.
Oliver J R Cooper
No matter how much someone learns in life there are always going to be things they don’t know about. That is part of life and is something that one simply has to accept. That doesn’t mean that learning is therefore futile, if anything, it could feel like a weight has been lifted from ones shoulders.
As if one has felt the need to know everything in life, to hear the above can allow them to let go of a lot of the pressure they have created for themselves. So during those moments when one doesn’t know something or they are wrong, it is not something to feel ashamed of or bad about.
It is simply part of being human and not something do deny or to cover up. And without this pressure, learning can be something that one enjoys; instead something one feels they have to do.
However, even though one can’t know everything, there are going to be certain things that they will need to know in order to grow and to move forward. However, this is not going to be the same for everyone; as what will be important for one person, might be completely irrelevant to another.
And once they have become aware of this new information, their life could slightly improve or it could dramatically improve. This is going to be lifelong process and something that will never end.
With this in mind, one is going to realise how important it is to learn. Through this, one will know that their life is going to improve and that if they don’t learn, they are going to end up going backwards.
So by learning about new things and removing ones ignorance of those things, one will be able to progress. And in today’s world, there are so many ways to learn. One is no longer reliant on a newspaper or a book, as they can watch a video or listen to an audio book.
It also doesn’t matter where one is or what they are doing, as they can learn while they’re: walking, driving, running or flying. This is the information age and information is easier to access than ever before.
And while this has made a positive difference, there are pros and cons to most things in life. When the production of something increases, the quality can end up decreasing. This is why it is important for one to use their critical abilities and not to accept and therefore internalise everything they read or hear about.
When one is unaware of something that that will assist them, it is going to have a negative impact on their life. But as soon as they are aware of what they were at one point unaware of, their life will start to change.
The Other Side
So it is clear to see how important it is to expose oneself to new information. The benefits are endless and there is no limit when it comes to ones growth. The fact that one can’t know everything might be seen as something negative and yet, there is more to it.
Because not only is there information out there that has no use, there is also information out that will do more harm than good. As the saying goes ‘Ignorance is bliss’. When this is heard it is often dismissed and this is going to be due to the subjective meaning that someone has.
To be ignorant of certain things is going to create problems, that much is clear. But there are going to certain things that one will not want to have any awareness of whatsoever. And through being unaware of these things, one’s life is not going to get worse, if anything, it will improve.
Having the need to know something is not always a good thing, as this saying suggests –‘Curiosity killed the cat’. One may have the urge to find out about something and at times this is going to assist their life and at others, this could set one up to find out about things that have no use to them and are best left unknown.
When one is in a new relationship, they might have the need to find out about the other persons relational history. And let’s say that this is someone who has chequered past and has now put it behind them. This means that it is not necessary for one to know what happened.
But through finding out about their past, it radically changes ones perception of the other person. And even though everything was going well, the relationship soon comes to an end.
Another example would be when someone watches the news and exposes themselves to some of the monstrosities that are taking place in the world. One becomes aware of the violence that is taking place, but in a lot of cases, there is nothing they can do.
And this is going to have a negative effect on ones wellbeing and define how they view the world. So instead of being able to see what is right in the world, through watching the news, one might only be able to see what is wrong.
So whether ignorance is good or bad will all depend on what it relates to and at times it will be the best option and at other times it won’t. And this is something that one will have to decide for themselves.
If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article, as many others have.
Oliver J R Cooper
Just because someone is available at one point in time, it doesn’t mean that they will continue to be available. There is the chance that they will continue to be around or everything could change, and they may be extremely hard to get hold of.
However, without even going into how much someone can change, it is to be expected that they will not always have the same amount of time available to see other people. But, if someone is available one minute and then unavailable the next, it is naturally going to make one wonder what is going on.
For example, if this is a relationship that is going really well and then of all of a sudden, the other person says they are too busy, one might end fearing the worst. And based on how they have been getting on so far, it might come as a shock when the other person says they are too busy.
If this is a relationship that is not going well, then one might come to the conclusion that the other person doesn’t want to see them anymore. This conclusion would be normal; especially if the relationship is no longer working or if there is some kind of conflict taking place.
Although this is going to be something that has an impact on ones intimate relationships or with the people who one is just sharing physical experiences with, it can also apply friends and even family. But when it relates to an intimate relationship, one is typically more attached to the other person and therefore their expectations are different.
So when the other person’s behaviour changes, one is likely read into it more. If it was a friend or a family member, it may simply be accepted and one may not even question it. This is also because their friends and family are going to fulfil different wants and needs.
The Bigger picture
But whether it relates to an intimate relationship, a more casual set up or to friends or family; it is going to be important to look at the relationship in general. To form an opinion based on one thing that has happened is not always the best approach.
In today’s world, people are busier than ever before and so there is always the chance that someone is busy and that it doesn’t mean anything. It then wouldn’t matter who the other person was, as they would still be busy.
What this means is that one will have to look at the bigger picture and to reflect on what has been happening between them. They might begin to see a pattern emerge or they might just end up seeing things that are not there; so it will be important to keep an open mind and not to rush to any conclusions.
But if someone is available one minute and then they soon become unavailable and there doesn’t seem to be a legitimate reason for this change in behaviour, then it might be a sign that something has changed.
In life, people usually find time for what matters. So if someone is too busy it could mean that their interests have changed and that one is not as important to them as they once were.
Behind The Word
On one side then, it could be the truth and on the other side, it could be nothing more than a cover up. Using the word ’busy’ allows them hide what is actually going on and this could do more harm than good.
They might believe that if they tell the truth, it might upset the other person. But the longer they keep the other person around, the more harm they are going to cause them. Or maybe they are in two minds and don’t know whether to keep one around or to let them go.
If one has a pattern of attracting people who are always busy, then it might be a sign that they have some inner work to do. And even if this only happens every now and then but causes one to have a strong emotional reaction, even when the other person is not making any excuses, it is going to mean that they also need to look within.
When someone hears this it could cause them to feel: abandoned, rejected, powerless, hopeless and worthless. This is going to mean that one is used to not having their wants and needs met by others.
One may have had a childhood where their caregivers were often unavailable and unable to meet their wants and needs on a consistent basis. So what is taking place in their adult years can then feel normal.
And even though this would have created a lot of pain, it would have been associated as familiar and therefore safe by their ego mind. This is the reason why one has continued to re-create the same experiences in their adult life.
If one doesn’t feel safe with something at a deeper level, it is not going to be possible for them to attract it into their life. What feels safe is what is familiar and not what is healthy or functional.
The emotional pain of these earlier years will have stayed trapped in one’s body and will need to be released. And as this happens, one will no longer re-create the same experiences. This can be done with the assistance of a therapist or a healer.
While the media allows people to be informed about the world they live in, they also allow them to be misinformed. And at times, it is going to be hard to know whether it is the former or the latter that is taking place.
One might come to the conclusion that this is because some human beings are easily influenced and yet, there is more to it. Due to the way that the media presents things, it is not always easy to work out what is true and what isn’t.
So it won’t matter whether someone has the ability to think critically or not, as there are going to be times when they are going to just accept what the media presents.
This is not to say that critical thinking is of no use, what it means is that the media is highly skilled when it comes to the art of deception. The more developed ones critical skills are, the better off one will be.
However, this is an ability that one is going to have to develop themselves in most cases. And this is due to the fact that it is highly unlikely that one is going to be assisted by their society.
People are generally encouraged to believe what they see or hear and not to think for themselves. For if people were to think for themselves, the media and the sources of power would no longer have the same control.
And one thing the media likes to focus on is how there is not enough. This can apply to something that is fairly insignificant, to things are extremely significant. When something is being sold for instance, it is not uncommon to hear that there are only so many available.
This then motivates people to take action; as if they were to say that they have an unlimited amount available, it wouldn’t motivate people to take action. And as someone is not going to lose anything by not buying it straight away, they are going to be in a rush to buy it.
In the worst case scenario, from the seller’s point of view that is, it could cause people to completely forget about the product or the goods that are being sold. And this is clearly not going to be good for business. So through creating the impression that there are only so many, ones attention is going to be placed on what they will lose and the pain that this will create if they don’t take action.
Now, this could cause people to buy things they don’t really need or to buy things they can’t afford. But just because one is being led to believe that there is only so many pairs of trainers or items of clothes for example, it doesn’t mean that one has to develop a lack mentality.
They could have the outlook that there is only so many of what is being sold at this point in time and that this doesn’t apply to life in general. It is then a separate occurrence and not something that defines their life. In some cases though, there are going to be people who allow this to colour every part of their life.
Far More Significant
When it comes to things that are more significant, it is going to relate to the areas of life that will have an effect on one’s ability to survive and thrive. So this is going to include: money, jobs and energy.
These are important areas of life and so when these are mentioned, people are generally going to take notice. So not only will this consume someone’s attention, it is also going to have an impact on their beliefs.
And as the media likes to focus on how there is not enough money, that there are not enough jobs or how the energy of the world is running out; one is unlikely to create beliefs that are empowering or supportive. Even though what the media is presenting is not the truth and just reflects what they have chosen to focus on, it can end up being taken as the truth.
If human beings were just observers of their reality, it wouldn’t matter what they allowed to enter their mind. But, it is not possible for someone to just observe anything. So whatever one allows into their mind is not just going to sit there and have no effect, it will play a part in how they experience life.
The mind is a garden and whatever one puts in there is going to grow. This means that when one allows the Medias seeds to enter their mind they are not just being informed, they are being transformed.
So if one is already living a life of lack, the media is just going to validate their reality. But if this isn’t the case for someone, the media could soon put this to an end. It will all depend on how conscious someone is.
Ones reality is also reflecting back what they believe and so if they believe there is not enough, then that is what they will experience. This is why it is important to pay attention to what one believes.
When someone believes that there is not enough, they are not going to be able to trust and to let go. They are going to be in a place of fear and other people are going to be seen as a threat to their survival.
By creating the impression that there is not enough, it allows the media to control people. Their inner world is not their own, it is under the control of an outside source. So as it creates division amongst people, it means that the real problems are not being addressed.
While one is constantly having an effect on their environment, it doesn’t mean that they are able to accept this. Some people will be able to see that this is the case and there are going to be others who believe they have no effect whosever.
And when someone experiences life in a way that allows them to see they are having an effect, it is going to lead to a sense of empowerment and control. This doesn’t mean that one has complete control; it means that they will know that they have some control.
They are going to feel as though they are part of life and that their actions have an impact on the world around them. And this is going to enhance their mental, emotional and physical wellbeing.
However, if one believes that they have no effect, they are not going to they are going to feel disempowered and that they have no control. And while control is often seen as something that one should let go off, without it, one is going to suffer.
In some case, it could even cause one to commit suicide or to lose the will to live. Here, one is not going to feel that they are part of life or that their actions have an impact on the world around them.
Their mental, emotional and physical health is going to be effected and they are likely to feel like a victim and not an empowered human being. So although each person lives on the same planet, based on how they see life, they could be living on a different planet.
So each person has a different outlook of themselves and of life in general and because of this, each person’s life is going to be radically different. But while outlooks are not fixed and can therefore be changed; when someone feels helpless, they are not going to realise this.
When someone feels that they do have an effect and that they are not helpless, they might not realise that not everyone has this outlook. It can then be hard for them to comprehend why someone wouldn’t have this outlook.
But for the person who sees life differently, they might wonder how anyone could see life differently. In their model of the world, they are helpless and there is nothing they can do about it.
More Than An Outlook
It is then not just an outlook they have; it is how their life is. In their eyes, being a victim is the only option they have and is not something they can change.
And not only are they going to feel this way, but their life is going to reflect how they feel. Or if something happens that shows they are not helpless, they might not be possible for them to see it. This is because their mind has formed this outlook and if something goes against it, it will end up being filtered out.
The Ego Mind
To hear that someone would filter out experiences that go against their outlook of being helpless can sound ridiculous. If one feels this way, then surely they would want to experience life differently?
But just because someone wants to feel a sense of power in life, it doesn’t mean that this is what feels safe. As human beings, we are constantly drawn to what is familiar and what is familiar is what feel safe.
So feeling helpless is not allowing one to experience the kind of life they want to experience and yet, this is likely to be what feels safe at a deeper level. The question is: why would someone only feel safe when they feel helpless?
A Deeper Look
And while this could be due to what has happened in this person’s adult life, it is more likely to be the result of what happened during their childhood years. There is likely to have been an experience or an accumulation of experiences were one felt traumatised.
When one experiences trauma, they are helpless; they have no control and therefore there is nothing they can do. And if there was someone around or support was available during these moments, it would have been possible for one to process what happened.
But this wouldn’t have been the case and became of this, one would have had to carry the emotional experience within them; causing it to define their whole life. And feeling this way would have gone on to be associated as familiar and therefore safe.
Because of what ones early environment was like, perhaps there was no other option than to feel helpless. If one was neglected or physically abused, then this would have been the only option available. It might not have been safe for them to act any other way.
As An Adult
However, even though one has learned to be helpless as a result of what has happened to them, this doesn’t mean that this is the truth. At one point in time it was, but one doesn’t have to feel this way any longer.
But all the time these emotional experiences of the past have not been processed, one will continue to experience life in the same way. One will need to get in touch with these trapped emotions so that they can be released. And this can be done with the assistance of a therapist or a healer.
While some people will only know what it feels like to be with someone who can love them, there are going to be other people who only know what it feels like to be with someone who can’t love them. And this is going to mean that each person has a radically different experience on this planet.
So when the latter takes place for someone, it doesn’t necessarily mean that they will stay together, as their connection to the other person could soon come to an end. And if the other person can’t love them, then this is surely the best thing that could take place.
Out Of Balance
To stay with someone who is unable to show love is going to lead to a relationship that is out of balance. One is not going to be able to just be and to know that they are enough; they are going to feel the need to do things.
And through doing, one will hope that they will be able to make the other person love them. At a deeper level, one is not going to realise that who they are is enough and that they don’t have to do anything.
For the more effort one puts in, the less of an effect they are likely to have. Through putting in so much effort, it is also going to reinforce ones belief that they are not enough. It can then become a vicious cycle.
The Opposite Effect
The other person may end up pulling away or feeling overwhelmed. There is also the chance that one will be taken advantage of and the other person will encourage them to act in ways that will undermine them.
The ideal is going to be for them to have a relationship that has moments of give and take and while this won’t always be the case, it will be the what the relationships is built on. If one attracted people who were different, then this wouldn’t have to be how things are for them.
So when one is loved by another, they are going to feel acknowledged by them. They are not going to feel like a ‘human doing’; they are going to feel like a ‘human being’. That is not to say that there will never be conflict, what it means is that one is going to know that who they are is enough.
This is going to include: affection, support, validation, respect, trust and kindness for instance. But while some people will see this as part of life, others will wonder what this actually feels like.
On one side then, there is going to be how one feels in their body and at the same time, there is also going to be what is taking place in their head. As a result of not being loved, the mind is going to create all kinds of reasons why that is – this is the story.
Here, one could end u believing that: they are unlovable, that other people have something they don’t and that they are not enough. This could cause one to believe they are just unlucky.
And based on this meaning, one is not going to feel as though they have any control in what is happening to them. But even though the minds story may be taken as the truth, it is nothing more than a story.
Ultimately, it is not what is taking place in ones the mind that is causing one to attract people who can’t love them; it is what is going on in their body. What is going on in the mind will need to be acknowledged; but if one gets attached to the story, they are going to continue to recreate the same experiences.
Who one attracts is going to be different and what happens can also be different, but what will be the same is how one feels. It is often said that one’s thoughts create their feelings and this can be the case.
Emotional Build Up
However, to say that one’s thoughts always define how one feels would be incorrect. And this is because the body can carry trapped emotions and all the time they are there, they are going to cause one’s mind to trigger and create certain meanings.
This emotional build can include the following feelings: shame, rejection, abandonment, worthlessness, grief, hopelessness and even death. So when one is with someone who can’t love them or when a relationship ends with someone who can’t, they could end up experiencing these feelings.
Where Do They Come From?
And while one will have experienced these feelings in their adult relationships, they unlikely to have been the cause of them. In most cases, one will have first experienced these feelings during their childhood years.
This would have been a time where ones needs and wants were not met on a regular basis, it at all. And as didn’t receive the mirroring and attunement that they needed from their caregiver/s, it is only natural that they are going to believe that they are unlovable.
These early experiences would have created a lot of pain and as these feelings have not been processed, it is causing one to re-create the same experiences and this then reinforces their beliefs.
One will need to get in touch with this early pain and to grieve their unmet childhood needs. It might also be important for one to receive the positive regard that they didn’t receive all those years ago. A therapist or a healer can support one in both of these processes.
Although one may want to commit to a relationship, it doesn’t mean that they feel comfortable doing so. On one side they may have to have the need to be with someone and at the same time, it could be something they fear.
And while this could be something that only has an impact on their relationships, it could also affect other areas of their life. When it comes to their career for instance, one could find that they are unable to stick to anything for very long.
This is going to mean that it will be difficult for them to achieve anything. But even though this will create pain, the pain is not going to be as strong as it would be if they were to commit to something.
The Outside Observer
So there are going to be other people who notice how destructive this is and they might wonder why one has this fear. And if they haven’t got any insight into why it is, they may end up making judgements about this behaviour.
However, when one does have this fear, they are not necessarily going to be consciously are of it. It is then something that controls their life and yet it is not something they have looked into any further.
There is also the chance that one is aware of this fear, but doesn’t know why they have it. Either way, it is sabotaging one’s life and unless something changes, it is not going to be possible for them to move forward.
It could be said that commitment is a big part of success; as if one doesn’t commit to anything, then they won’t achieve anything. Nothing happens overnight and relationships are not built in a day – they take time and effort.
If one sticks to something, no matter what happens, they are going to gradually progress. Talent and ability and nothing without commitment; the world is full of people who haven’t utilised their gifts.
Commitment is part of being able to not only survive, but also to be able to thrive. If one stopped eating and drinking, their life would soon come to an end. It is through ones commitment to eating and drinking that they are able to stay alive.
And the same applies to being able to thrive on this planet. Here, one is going to have to commit to taking certain actions and through this, they will gradually move beyond merely existing.
When one fears commitment it is naturally going to create conflict within them. On the inside, one is going to feel the need commit to certain things and at the same time, another part of them is not allowing them to fulfil this need.
If commitment was not part of life and one was able to survive and thrive without it, then it wouldn’t matter. But as commitment is a vital part of life, it shows how unnatural this fear is.
Although having the fear of commitment is going to mean that one has trouble committing, it doesn’t mean that they will always sit on the fence. They could have moments where they end up diving right in and not thinking about whether they are making the right decision or not.
And because of this, they could end up reinforcing their fear of commitment in the process. It is then back to how they were before and before long, one could do the same thing.
What’s Going On?
Under the fear of commitment is going to be the fear of being engulfed. This doesn’t mean that one will just feel slightly overwhelmed; it means that they will feel as though they have lost themselves.
And along with this fear, is going to be the fear of being abandoned. So when it comes to a relationship for instance, one is going to feel that they will end up being either engulfed or abandoned or both, if they were to commit.
Although these feelings will have been experienced in their adult relationships, their adult relationships are unlikely to be where they were first experienced. However, years will have gone by and one may have become disconnected from where they were first experienced.
In most cases, these feelings would have been the result of what happened during their younger years. The kind of nurturing their caregivers provided would have been the cause.
This would have been a time where ones need and wants were ignored and this would have caused them to end up feeling abandoned or engulfed. And at that age, it would not have been possible for one to do anything about it.
They were powerless over what was happening to them and they had no control. These experiences would have therefore been traumatising.
The Present Day
So as this early trauma has not been dealt with, their present day relationships and experiences are going to retrigger the old trauma. And unless one is aware of the original source, they could end up believing that what is happening now is causing the pain.
Unless the pain from these original experiences is released from one’s body, one will continue to perceive commitment in the same way. As this grief work is done, the outlook that out has of commitment will gradually begin to change. This can be done with the assistance of a therapist or a healer.
Although some relationships are healthy, there are others that are completely dysfunctional. And when this is the case, they no longer have the ability to transform one’s life and to assist in their personal evolution.
That is unless one leaves the relationship and uses the experience to find out what part they were playing. It will then be possible for one to do the work that they need to do on themselves in order to experience healthier relationships.
There is also the chance that could stay in the relationship and if the other person is willing to change, then the relationship could be transformed. But if they won’t change, then it is going to be best for one to leave the relationship completely, or at least until the other person is willing to play their part.
However, it is not just relationships that can be dysfunctional; it is also possible for the interactions that precede a relationship to be just as dysfunctional. And that’s if they even lead to a relationship’, as they might not happen.
If one is in a relationship that is dysfunctional, then it would be normal to come to the conclusion that it would have also have started that way. And while there may have been moments of dysfunction, these would have been interspersed with moments that were healthy.
For if another person showed their true colours from the outset, they wouldn’t get very far. So the facade they present in the beginning will allow them to entice their prey.
Playing The Games
One may realise what is taking place and soon end their connection to the other person. And then there are going to be other people who are comfortable with the games that the other person is playing.
This doesn’t mean that they won’t show any kind of resistance; what it means is that this resistance is not enough to make them put an end to what is happening or to walk away. In this case, one is going to jump through the hoops provided and lose touch with what is right for them.
And this means that one won’t be treated with respect or appreciation, but as if they have no value. Here, one will 'treat them mean and keep them keen'.
Now, if one was to think about this, their fist response might be to question how it could work and emphasis how people want to be treated with respect and to be appreciated for instance. And this is not something that can be denied; if someone was asked how they like to be treated, they are unlikely to say that they enjoy being treated badly.
However, what one says doesn’t also match up with their behaviour. And as the saying goes ‘actions speak louder than words’. So if we want to understand what someone feels comfortable with, it will be important to observe their behaviour and not what they say they want.
The challenge is that what one consciously wants doesn’t always match up with what is going on at a deeper level (in their body). This conflict then causes them to sabotage what they truly want and to experience what they don’t want.
So what is going on in their head is the ideal and then there is what their body feels comfortable with. And for some people, their body is only going to respond to behaviour that is dysfunctional and unhealthy.
If they were to experience behaviour that was different, it is going to feel uncomfortable and it won’t engage them. One might not even know why they respond to being treated badly, but what they will know is that being treated badly has a positive effect on them.
They might wonder why they put up with it, but time and time again it is what they respond to. This is what creates desire, gets their heart racing and consumes their attention.
There are going to be all kinds of ‘mean’ ways that someone can use to keep another person interested. One may use hot and cold behaviour; one minute they show interest and the next they pull away.
This may even involve using put downs or sarcasm, amongst others things. These are just a few examples and there are many more. When one is with someone who engages in these kinds of games, they are not going to know where they stand, what is actually happening or if the other person is interested in them or not.
Stability doesn’t exist and this is going to play havoc with ones emotions. One minute they could be up and the next they could be down. One could feel addicted to the highs and lows that the other person is providing.
A Deeper Look
So this is not healthy and it is not going to match up with what one says they want. But at the same time, one is unable to resist it. Being treated in these ways feels comfortable and this could be due to what their early childhood relationships were like.
Their present relationships are then mirroring their childhood relationships. And even though these early interactions were not healthy, they were associated and familiar and therefore safe. And until one has grieved what took place all those years ago, they will continue to re-create the same experiences.
Like an addict, they are drawn to what feels familiar and it doesn’t matter how unhealthy it is. One may have had a caregiver who was verbally abusive, emotionally unavailable and/or physically abusive.
So in order for one to no longer feel comfortable with people who behave in these ways, it will be important for them to get in touch with their emotions. Here, they can see if how they feel in their adult relationships reminds them of how they felt during their childhood years.
The emotional experiences of one’s past will have stayed trapped in their body and so they will need to be realised. This can be done with the assistance of a therapist or a healer.
While relationships can be a combination of both giving and receiving, they can also end up being out of balance. It is then no longer an adult to adult relationship; it is something that takes on the characteristics of a parent-child relationship.
This might create the impression that they are therefore functional and healthy; especially if this brought to mind a child that is loved cared for by its parent. However, other than the fact that each person is not on the same level, it has no connection to parent–child relationship.
That is unless the parent-child relationship is dysfunctional and unhealthy. If this is the case, there are going to be many similarities. Ultimately, this relates to relationships where boundaries are nonexistent and each person’s emotional development has been stunted.
What this then leads to are relationships where each person’s growth is sabotaged. One person’s behaviour is stopping another from growing and the other person is stopping another person form growing by putting up with their behaviour. And it is also possible for one to change between the two options. It can all depend on who they are with and how they feel.
So one person places their attention on taking care of another person’s needs and wants and ignores their own. Or one is in a position where they ignore the other person’s needs and wants and focus on their own.
What The Problem?
After looking at these dynamics, one might come to the conclusion that the first one is an example of how one should be and the second one is not. Focusing on others is an example of being selfless and having others focus on us is being selfish.
However, even though this is what is taking place on the surface, it doesn’t match up with what is going on at a deeper level. No matter what role one chooses to play, they are still focused on their own needs and wants.
And the reason each person’s growth is being sabotaged is because their behaviour is unhealthy. The person who focuses on being there for others is going to come across as capable and strong. But on the inside and they are probably unaware of this, they are going feel the complete opposite.
For the person who is used to having other people being there for them, they are going to come across as being incapable and weak. In this case, one is not out of touch with how they feel and is not wearing a mask like the other person.
In order for each person to grow, it will be important for them to let go of their need to be strong or to come across as a victim. The role that they play will be what is familiar and therefore what feels safe.
So it will be a gradual process of realising that it is safe for them to show their vulnerabilities or their strength. And that they no longer need to hide their true needs and wants.
Needs And Wants
It might appear as though the person who acts like a victim is comfortable with having needs and wants and the person who comes across as capable is not. But appearances are often deceiving; as they are both in the same position.
The person who acts like a victim is likely to have the outlook that they are only able to receive attention when they are suffering. And the person who acts strong is likely to have the outlook that other people’s needs are more important than their own.
Therefore, the roles they play are an indirect way for them to get their needs and wants met. But as they have to hide their true selves, it is not going to be possible for their true needs and wants to be fulfilled.
And one of the roles that someone can play that will lead to a dysfunctional relationship is that of the caretaker. This is going to mean that one is there for others in ways that keep them stuck and in an infantile state.
When someone else has a problem it won’t be enough to just listen to them, one will want to try to fix their problem/s or to rescue them. And it won’t matter if this is asked for, as they may just do it anyway.
They will also believe that they know what is best for the other person. This is going to cause the other person to doubt themselves and they may end up becoming dependent on the caretaker. And although they are giving, there are going to be certain expectations attached.
What this comes down to is that they are unable to respect another person’s boundaries and personal reality. The people they attract or are attracted to are often going to be needy. But this doesn’t mean that they are able to accept the other people’s neediness; as they could judge others for being needy.
A Deeper Look
So even though they create the impression of being caring and of only wanting to help others, this is not the whole truth. Caretaking allows them to experience control; with this being the control of their own feelings.
This is likely to be someone who is out of touch with what is going on with them. And the kind of behaviour they are drawn to in others is going to reflect how they feel on the inside. The difference is that while the other person feels comfortable showing how they feel, they doesn’t feel comfortable showing this part of them.
To judge other people for being needy is then a natural consequence of being cut off from one’s own neediness. This is because it reminds them of what they are unable to acknowledge within themselves.
And the reason one is not only out of touch with their neediness, but also needy, is typically the result of what happened during their childhood years. This would have been a time where ones needs were neglected and one would have been expected to take care of the needs of their caregiver/s.
This would then have created a false sense of empowerment. On one hand it allowed one to feel strong and capable and yet, it also meant that their needs and wants were ignored. They would have been accepted for taking on responsibilities that were not theirs and their own needs would have been something to feel ashamed of.
So in order for one to move beyond their caretaking behaviour and to feel comfortable with having needs, they will have to get in touch with their unmet childhood needs and grieve them. And to release any trapped emotions that have remained in their body since those early years. This process can be done with the assistance of a therapist or a healer.
If someone had to choose between feeling happy or feeling unhappy it is clear that in most cases they would choose the first option. When one is happy, not only will their inner world change, it is also going to have an effect on their outer world.
This inner change will cause their behaviour to change and how they perceive the world around them is also going to change. And through feeling different and perceiving the world around them differently, it is going to have an effect on how other people respond to them.
Life in general is going to seem more worthwhile and this could mean that one makes better use of their time.
The Other Experience
Alternatively, if one doesn’t feel happy it is inevitably going to have a different effect on their life. What is going on inside is going to be different and this is going to play a part in how they perceive the outside world.
Their behaviour is going to change and how other people respond to them is also going to change. One might end up wondering what the point of life is and they could waste their time as a result.
Now And Then
So if this is something that happens every now and then, it is probably not going to have too much of a negative impact on someone’s life; being unhappy is part of being human and it is not something that can be avoided.
However, if one constantly feels unhappy, then it is going to have a negative impact on their life. And in certain circumstances it could make one end their life. Being unhappy is something that many people will have become used to and it might seem as though this is simply part of life.
A Way Of Life
If one is used to feeling happy, then it might be easier for them to accept the times when they are not happy. But if one always feels unhappy, it is going to be a lot harder for them to accept how they feel.
One might decide that it is better to not feel at all, than to feel unhappy all the time. But as many people will know who are on antidepressants for instance; through taking away one side of the spectrum you take away the other. Not only does it stop one from feeling unhappy, it also stops them from being able to feel happy.
It is not possible for them to experience a wide range of emotions. They are emotionally cut off and are simply going through the motions of life.
Life Is Short
And as life is short, it is important to get the most out of it. But all the time one feels unhappy, it is going to make it harder for them to enjoy it. It could feel like a burden and something that they have to endure.
So based on this, it is clear that life is too short to be unhappy. If one feels happy, they are going to get a lot more out of it and they will be less likely to waste their time.
What this shows is that it will be important for one to not let life get to them or to bring them down and to focus on what brings them happiness and joy. And this is good advice; as life is full of distractions and it can be easy to be consumed by them.
Through taking control of what one focuses on, it will enable them to feel better and to stay on track. But just because life is short, it doesn’t mean that one should stop themselves from being unhappy.
At times, life is going to have moments that cause one to feel unhappy and is not something that one should avoid. That doesn’t mean that one becomes stuck there and stays there for the rest of their life, what it means is that one embraces how they feel.
In the beginning, one may try to avoid how they feel, but this will have a negative effect on their life in the long term. When emotional pain is experienced, the mind will do everything it can do stop one from feeling the pain. Defence mechanisms will be used to moderate how one feels.
This can lead to denial and while one may feel happy on the surface, it doesn’t mean that this is a true reflection of what is taking place at a deeper level. As the saying goes ‘out of site out of mind’, but even though one may be unaware of how they feel it doesn’t mean that these feelings are not influencing their life.
Feeling happy is then another form of avoidance or ‘positive thinking’. Mentally one could be fine, but their emotional health is going to suffer. And as what is going on at an emotional level will effect what is going on at a mental level, it shows how important it is to be in touch with how one feels.
For example, loss is part of life and when one losses something they are going to experience grief. If one has lost a family member or someone they are close to, they are going to need to face their pain and to work through it.
That fact that life is short is irrelevant; this grieving process is not something that one should avoid. Through facing how one feels, they will gradually move through their pain and as time passes, they will be able to experience happiness once more.
If one wants to be emotionally healthy, this is the route to take. In the short term it is not necessarily the easiest option, but it has long term benefits. To avoid how one feels might feel better in the short term, but this could cause one to have emotional problems in the future.
And if one is finding it difficult to deal with their emotions, then it will be important for them to seek some kind of assistance. This could be from a therapist or some kind of healer.
Oliver JR Cooper
Teacher, Author, Transformational Writer & Consultant - With Over 2,000,000 Article Views Online.
That which is contained within these articles is based on my own empirical understanding and is true for me at the time they were written. However, as I continue to grow, what I perceive as the truth will inevitably change and as a result of this - parts of these articles may not reflect my current outlook.
A Dialogue With The Heart - Part One
A Dialogue With The Heart - Part Two
A Dialogue With The Spirit
Why Does He Behave That Way? Why Do I Behave This Way?