Recently, I have come across a number of people who will be moving to Dubai, and this has made me think about the place. I have never been there, but I have seen pictures, videos and heard stories about it.
On the surface, it seems as though it is paradise on earth; everything looks perfect and it is tax free. It is then a case of who wouldn’t want to live there, not who would want to live there. The Other Side However, while it would be easy to buy into this idea of Dubai, there is another side of it that is often overlooked. This is said to be the side that is covered up; the side that is not supposed to be spoken about. It has been said that the foreign workers who help to build everything are basically slaves, with them living in disgusting conditions. Therefore, the people who are doing the real work are being treated as though they have no value. The Plane of Duality Now, I haven’t been there so I can’t say for certain that this is the case, but it seems to be what is happening. I can’t say it would surprise me if this is what is indeed taking place, and this is due to the fact that there are two sides to life. There is the so-called good side and there is the so-called bad side, and it’s impossible to have one without the other. Thus, as this place looks so good, there is bound to be another side to it that is not so good. Out of Sight The people at the top, along with other sources, have naturally tried to cover this side up, and this is similar to how a human being can cover up the parts of themselves that are not very pleasant. A human being has a conscious mind and an unconscious mind, and when something is too painful for them to face it usually ends up in their unconscious mind (body). They can end up losing touch with their ‘darker side’ (discounting from their body) and come across as though they are full of light, acting positive and appearing to always be happy. The Perfect Destination And, based on how perfect it looks in Dubai, it can appear to be the ideal place to be if someone is not very happy where they are. Instead of having to face what is going on for them, they can get on a plane and leave everything behind - or so it may seem. What they are likely to find is that they can’t leave it all behind them, as a lot of what they are trying to run away from is inside them. Also, if they notice the side of Dubai that is usually covered up when they are there, they might end up being reminded of what they are trying to avoid within themselves; that is, of course, if they allow this to take place. Final Thoughts The idea of the perfect life can be incredibly enticing to someone who is trying to run away from themselves. This is one big illusion and not something that someone will experience for as long as they are on this planet. Finally, I am in no way saying that everyone who goes to Dubai is trying to run away from life. There will be times when this will be a well thought out career more, for instance.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
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I was thinking the other day about how common it is for people to end up in a relationship with someone who is not available. This is something that usually causes them to experience a lot of pain.
To go through this once is more than enough, but there are people who have experienced this on more than one occasion. As a result of this, it can be normal for someone to believe that they are really unlucky. Despair This could cause them to feel as though they have no control over this area of their life, setting them up to feel like a victim. When this takes place, it will be as though they are just an observer of their reality, They will just happen to end up with people who are unable to fully show up and to emotionally connect with them. However, although it may seem as though this is something that is out of their control, this is not the case. The Mirror The reason why they have the tendency to end up with people who are unable to fully embrace them is because this is what feels comfortable at a deeper level. Upon hearing this, their conscious mind could see this as being a load of rubbish. And, as experiencing life in this in this way is causing them to suffer, it is to be expected that they would have this reaction. On one level, it is not something that is benefitting them, but on another level, it is benefitting them. Obscured In the same way that weeds can end up covering something up in a garden, different defences will have covered up the reason why they experience life in this way. One way for them to find out what is really going on would be to find someone who is available and then to see what comes up. Yet, as this is not what feels safe at a deeper level, this is not going to be an option. If this was to happen, what they may find is that being with someone who is fully present causes them to experience a lot of shame. Exposed This wouldn’t have happened before because they have always been with people who were too caught up with their own issues to really see them. While this would have been frustrating, it would have allowed them to hide their true-self. The fact that they experience shame when they are seen doesn’t mean that there is anything inherently wrong with them, though, what it shows is that they are carrying trauma. At one point in their life - and this is likely to be during their childhood - they may have been made to feel as though there was something inherently wrong with them. Protection Being with people who are not present - and therefore can’t see them - is then a way to stop their true-self from being seen. If it was, not only would it cause them to feel extremely bad, it would be seen as something that would cause them to be rejected and abandoned. Along with carrying a lot of shame just above their stomach, there will be what is going on in their chest area. Through having experienced abuse and/or neglect as a child (or something that wounded them), they will probably carry a lot of grief in their chest area. Final Thoughts When someone ends up with people who are unavailable, they can end up looking outside for answers, and looking outside for answers is something that most people are trained to do from birth. But, as I have shown above, the answers won’t be found in the external world. Going within and looking for these answers won’t be easy in the short-term, but it will be worth it in the long-term. This can take place with the presence of a therapist or a healer, for instance.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
When I used to play football at school, I used to see other people wear expensive football boots - the ones that the professionals wore - and think about how good I would be if I had them. I thought that wearing these boots would instantly make me a better player.
This showed that I had been influenced by these boot manufacturers marketing campaigns. Also, I was at an age when I didn’t have the ability to think about whether or not these boots would actually make me a better player. The Reason These manufactures realised that making a good football boot was one part of the equation; the other part was to find a way to make people spend a small fortune on them. The best way to do this is to pay professional athletes lots of money to wear them, and then to convince people that they are only as good as they are due to the boots that they are wearing. What is at work here is the power of association. It is then not that these players can do what they do because of their natural talent and how much work they put it; no, it’s the result what they put on their feet. The Same Approach Now, it is unlikely that an adult would fall for this; they would be only too aware of why someone is a good athlete. However, it wouldn’t be right to say that it is only children who are taken advantage of by different corporations, for instance. One only needs to look at the kinds of adverts that are on the internet or on TV to realise that these corporations are trying to influence people of all ages. It might be more subtle when it is aimed at adults, but the same process is still going on. A Different Need To use the example above: when football boots are aimed at children, the focus will be on how much better they will be and how good they will look in them. Yet, when it comes to selling something to an adult, the focus could be on how much happier they will be and on the approval they will receive if they buy it. Another thing that the advert could focus on is how much more desirable they will be to the opposite sex. What is being sold is then secondary and what is associated with the product ends up taking centre stage. Two Parts It would be easy to see the average person as a victim and these corporations as the perpetrators, but this wouldn’t be the compete truth. What is going to make it harder for someone to see what is going on or not to be drawn in by an advert, is if they are having a certain inner experience. For example, if someone feels empty and is out of touch with their own nurturing aspect, they can end up looking externally for a way to feel whole. It is then not going to be difficult for them to come into contact with things that will promise to do just that – to make them feel whole. Final Thoughts With this in mind, the more together someone is the harder it will be to sell them things that they don’t need. Through feeling whole, they will have the ability to see something for what it actually is and to ask themselves if they actually need it. This will stop them from getting caught up in all the features that have been attached to something but have absolutely nothing to do with it; to see beyond the illusion that has been created.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
When I first got into self-development, I shared a lot of what I had learnt with my parents. This was partly because I wanted to share what I had learnt and partly because I thought it could help them.
I soon came to see that I was wasting my time, and that it was far better for me to keep most of what I had learnt to myself. I didn’t think it was worth the hassle of being put down and treated as though I was trying to sell them a virus. One Direction They were both experiencing a lot of stress, but this didn’t mean that they actually wanted to do anything about it. Consequently, their health was only going to get worse over time, and there was very little that I could do. I was brought up to believe that other people’s needs were more important than my own, which caused me to believe that I was responsible for other people’s needs. Said another way, it was my fault if they were not happy. My Role So, as I was responsible for others, I believed that it was down to me to rescue my parents. My value as a human being had nothing to do with who I was; it was based on what I did. If I could save them I would be able to feel good about myself (for a short while), but if I couldn’t do this, I would end up feeling like a failure. The trouble was that they couldn’t be saved, and, even if they could, this wasn’t my responsibility. Role Reversal I was then behaving more like their parents than their son, playing a role that I wasn’t supposed to play. Ultimately, both of my parents were carrying too much pain to be present. My father was more reachable than my mother, but he wasn’t fully available. I think his heart was still attached to his first wife who had died of cancer, which stopped him from being able to fully show up. It could have been worse Still, if my father had not have been around, I would have ended up being even more wounded. My father had the ability to be kind and gentle, and as he was an older dad, he had a lot of things to pass on to me. He taught me the value of self-discipline, self-control, and patience, along with the importance of respect. My mother, on the other hand, was very cold and I couldn’t understand how anyone could be like this. The Years Passed My father would often listen to what I had learnt and he even worked with a healer when he had bone cancer, but his health gradually got worse. My mother’s health also went down a similar route. For years I could see that this would happen; it was simply the result of consequential thinking. I didn’t need to be psychic and to look into the future; the signs were there for anyone to see. The Fallout After my father passed on and my mother’s health got even worse, I spent a lot of time beating myself up about what had happened. I went over what I did and what I could have done. I experienced a lot of guilt and believed that I deserved to suffer for what had taken place. Along with this, another part of me knew that I did the best that I could and was focused on what I could do to heal my pain. We All Have Our Own Path Through hanging in there and working through a lot of pain, I came to see that it wasn’t up to me to save or rescue them. They were on their own path and there was nothing that I could have done to change that. It made me think that perhaps they were the perfect parents for me and that they supplied me with just what I needed. It is, of course, easy to say this afterwards; I would have got angry and experienced disbelief if I had thought about this before. Final Thoughts Having said that, I think this is exactly what I experienced when people told me things like this all those years ago. I thought that they were completely deluded, and wondered how they could come out with something so ridiculous. So, if you felt as though it was up to you to save your parents (or anyone else for that matter) before you read this article, you might have a different outlook now. I hope that this article has had a positive effect on you.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
Over the years I have heard people say that they want to be with someone who will make them look good. Additionally, there have been people who have wanted to take their partner out to “show them off”.
There have even been moments in my own life when I have thought that being with woman made me look good. It was as though being with her increased my value, causing other people to see me in a different light. Self-Reflection For a number of years now, I have thought about how the desire to be with a woman who would make me look good came from my need for approval. Not only did I want the approval of women, I also wanted it from men. This was the result of the wounds I carried in relation to my mother as well as my father. Through working through these wounds, I gradually came to the conclusion that what mattered was that I was with a woman who I wanted to be with. The Priority What also became clear was that, when I was primarily focused on how I would look and the effect it would have on how I felt about myself, I was a sign that I wasn’t emotionally available. My primary need was approval; it wasn’t to experience intimacy. I was living on the surface of myself, and this meant that I was out of touch with my deeper needs. Ultimately, they were the needs of my false-self, and these could be seen as ego needs. Living on the Surface With this in mind, if someone wants to be with someone who will make them look good, there is a strong chance that they are also emotionally unavailable. By being out of touch with their true-self, they will have a strong need for approval. It then won’t matter how physically attractive they are or how much money they earn, for instance, as they will feel empty deep down. As a result of being out of touch with their own inner wholeness, they will look towards others to give them what they believe they lack. Avoidance It will be important for them to wear a mask at all times, to stop other people from seeing the side of them that they feel they have to cover up. Being with someone who will make them look good will make it easier for them to hide this part of themselves. This is similar to how someone can wear all kinds of designer labels and jewellery to increase their value. Thus, being with someone who is perceived as valuable in the eyes of others will be a way for them to keep how they truly feel about themselves at bay. Shame-Based There is likely to have been a time in their life when they were made to feel as though there was something inherently wrong with them. This could mean that they were verbally, emotionally and/or physically abused. This would have caused them to create certain beliefs and to experience a lot of emotional pain. It is then going to be a case of getting in touch with how they feel in their body and feeling completely worthless, or disconnecting from their body and using people and things to make themselves feel better. Final Thoughts In order for someone to connect to their own inherent value, they will need to let go of the baggage that they are carrying. This is not something that is going to happen overnight, but it will happen over time. The key will be for them to be patient and to keep going, no matter what comes up or how long it takes. In addition to the work that they can do on themselves; they may need to work with a therapist or a healer.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
When I was out earlier I saw someone who reminded me of someone I spoke to a number of years ago. We spoke about a number of things, and one of the things I remember clearly is how they wanted to make a difference in the world.
But, this was not something that they hadn’t really thought about; it was something that had consumed their mind for a little while. I was interested in hearing more, so I asked them a number of questions. A Huge Goal This was someone who had a few videos out but that was about it; what they hadn’t done is written any articles or books, for instance. One of the things that they told me was that they wanted to help a billion people. I was amazed by what I heard, and I thought that this person was setting themselves up to suffer unnecessarily. Now, this was not because I believed that this couldn’t be achieved; there was no way that I could have known whether it was or wasn’t possible. Start Small The reason I came to this conclusion was due to the fact that this was an incredibly big goal and it would take a lot of motivation for them to be able to keep going; there would be ups and downs, and there was always the chance that they would never achieve this goal. I also wondered how they would know when this had taken place; it wasn’t as though they would be able to keep track of every person they help I suggested that it might be better for them to start with a small goal and then to gradually build on this goal. By doing this, it wouldn’t take very long for them to see progress and this would give them the motivation to keep going. Self-Reflection What I also sensed during this time was that this wasn’t a goal that was fully in alignment with their true needs. Their need to help so many people seemed to be a reflection of their need to receive approval. So, although they said that they wanted to help a lot of people, it was as though their greatest need was to be famous. Undoubtedly, it sounds nobler when someone says that they want to help a lot of people. Final Thoughts Taking all this consideration, it makes me think about how important it is to take one step at a time and not to get too caught up in what may or may not happen in the future. Getting attached to an outcome is a great way to leave the present moment and to postpone our happiness. In can be a case of: I will be happy, fulfilled and worthy once I achieve a certain goal, but not before. When someone experiences life in this way, it can show that they believe that they are worthless, amongst other things. If they were to get in touch with their own value, they might no longer want to achieve the same things and their motivation could decrease. Through being in touch with their own value, their value will be based on who they are as opposed to what they do.
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If someone feels hopeless, it can cause them to feel down and as though they have no control. And, unless something changes, they could end up feeling even worse - sinking even further down into themselves.
It can then seem as though there is no way out, and they may come to believe that the only option they have is to end their own life. This could be how they have felt for a number of months or years, or maybe they have felt this way for as long as they can remember. A Painful Existence Clearly, it will be incredibly difficult for this person to handle life, and this is why there is going to be nothing good about experiencing life in this way. The ideal will be for them to reach out for the right support, which can be supplied with a therapist or a healer, for instance. If they do this and are able to come out the other side, so to speak, they will have something incredibly valuable to offer the world. They will know what it is like to be at rock bottom and this will allow them to not only understand others in the same position, but to assist them – if they so choose. Another Scenario However, although it is possible for someone to feel completely hopeless about everything, they can also feel this way when it comes to one area of their life. For example, a relationship might not be going as they would like it to or they could feel stuck when it comes to their career. Through feeling this way, they may come to the conclusion that they need to stay positive and to do what they can to improve their relationship or to move forward in their career. There will then be no reason for them to pay attention to how they feel; it will just be seen as something that they need to rise above. Surrendering It might only end up being a matter of time before they are able to change their circumstances, meaning that they will have done the right thing. Then again, it might not be long until they end up feeling the same way again. What this can then show is that the reason they feel hopeless is not because they have ‘faulty thinking’ or that they are not doing enough, it can be a sign that they are with the wrong person or are doing the wrong thing. Therefore, if they keep trying to change what is happening and don’t take a step back to reflect on what is going on, they will continue to suffer. The Wrong Direction How they feel is there to notify them that they are on the wrong track or that they need to try a different approach. So, if they use their willpower to keep going, they will be wasting their time and energy. What can make it hard for them to sit back, and not to do anything, can be the conditioning what they have received. A lot of self-development material, for instance, is all about taking action (the masculine aspect) and this means that the importance of being (the feminine aspect) is often overlooked. Final Thoughts I think that what this shows is that while it is important to take action, it is also important to be able to take a step back, to just be and to trust and let go. If someone is used to trying to do everything through force, it can take a while for them to get used to this.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
When I was speaking to Ben Ralston, a therapist, healer, advanced Sivananda Yoga teacher, and writer, a number of months ago, he went into what someone had shared with him in the past. He said that this person had told him that human beings were basically walking trees.
I spend a fair amount of time in the woods, so it was fascinating to hear this. Still, I had never seen myself in this way or, conversely, seen a tree as a human that doesn’t really move. A Big Illusion What I did think about was how, in the same way that a human being can see themselves as being independent, a tree could also come to the same conclusion. If a tree was to look down, though, it would soon become clear how interdependent it is. When it comes to a human being, it can be easy for them to believe that they are completely independent, due to the fact that they don’t have roots that go into the earth. This allows them to walk around freely and, therefore, to erroneously believe that they not independent. Slightly Different However, even though human beings don’t have a physical connection to the earth in the same way that a tree does, they can connect to it by being connected to their body. It is through being firmly rooted in their body that they will be able to experience a connection that is very similar to the connection that a tree does by having roots. This connection to the earth could be seen as their birth right, as opposed to something that needs to be earned, for instance. After all, the earth is Mother Nature, and human beings are her children. Disconnected But while a human being can have this connection by being in their body, they can also lose this connection by being stuck in their head. This is what usually happens when it is too painful for them to be in their body. They will then have a body, but all of their attention is likely to reside in their head. Thus, they are then going to be very similar to a tree with severed roots; they won’t be fully alive. Trauma This will cause them to feel as thorough they are separate from everything, and this can allow them to behave in ways that are anti-life. They will go from being part of nature, to being the centre of the universe, or, they could feel totally isolated from everything and come to believe that they don’t belong on this planet. And, in the same way that a tree’s roots won’t just end up being damaged, a human being won’t just end up living in their head. This is likely to be a consequence of what they have been through, along with what has been passed down from their ancestors. The Cause Childhood abuse and neglect can cause someone to leave their body and they can stay this way as an adult. Consequently, they will have lived in their head for most of their time on this earth. This can end up being experienced as ‘normal’, thereby they won’t even realise that they are out of touch with themselves. But, even if someone’s early years were not like this, living in the western world can cause them dissociate from themselves. Final Thoughts When someone is out of touch with their body and doesn’t see themselves as being part of nature (or part of anything for that matter), it will be a lot easier for them to cause harm to others and to the planet. Taking this into account, it shows how important it is for human beings to be in their body. If someone doesn’t feel connected to their body and wants to do something about this, they may need to reach out for external support. This can take place with the assistance of a therapist or a haler.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
Earlier on I was listening to a conversation where one person was having a go at someone else. These were not just two strangers, though; they were two people who knew each other.
One of them said something and the other person didn’t hear what was said, so they ended up saying “what?” a few times. But, instead is simply repeating what they had said, they ended up criticising them. A Put Down They said, “do you know how stupid you sound when you say that!?” in a condescending tone. Upon hearing this, the other person didn’t say anything back and just carried on as though nothing had happened. It was then as if this person was used to being treated badly, which was why they didn’t push back. Taking all this into account, it was highly likely that this was an abusive relationship. A Shaming Tactic Shorty after this had taken place, it occurred to me that this was a way for this person to control their partner. They didn’t just want to make them feel bad for what they had done; they wanted them to feel as though they were bad. The reason for this is that they didn’t say “do you know how stupid your voice sounds when you say that!?” no, they made it about them, with the intention of making this person feel as though there was something inherently wrong with them. Two Sides There is the chance that the person who said this feels completely worthless, but has disconnected from their shame. As a result, this stops them from being able to experience healthy shame and they end up projecting the parts of themselves that they don’t like onto others When it comes to the person who tolerated what was said and didn’t stand up for themselves, there is the chance that they felt worthless before they even met this person. It is then not that these two people just happened to end up with each other; it was by design. On The Surface Even so, from the outside it can seem as though one person is a perpetrator and the other is a victim. Based on this, one person needs to be punished and the other needs to be rescued. At a conscious level, the person who is being treated badly is unlikely to feel comfortable with what is taking place, but this can be what feels comfortable at a deeper level. The body - or the unconscious mind - is rarely given the attention it deserves in today’s world. Final Thoughts Due to this, it can be common for someone to end up being victimised by their own inner wounds. Ultimately, it doesn’t matter whether they are aware of these wounds or not, as they will still have a big affect on their life. What this shows is how important it is for someone to become aware of what is going on in their body and to heal this pain. This can take place with the assistance of a therapist or a healer.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
In today’s world, it is not uncommon for the media to blame all men for everything and for all women to be portrayed as innocent victims. This is all part of what is known as ‘identity politics’, where everyone is put into a group and no one is seen as an individual.
Someone is then a victim and has no control over their life or they are perpetrator and have complete control, and what is likely to define whether someone is see as being a victim or a perpetrator will be their appearance and sexual orientation. Therefore, how someone behaves and actually experiences life is going to be irrelevant. Infantilization Naturally, this way a looking at the world is perfect if someone doesn’t like to think for themselves. Life will be black and white and there will be no need for them to engage their brain. But while this will be the case for some people, what can’t be overlooked is the amount of damage that this ideology has caused. Not only has it caused a lot of division, it has also stopped a lot of people from growing, causing them to be mentally and emotionally stunted. Extreme Conflict So, as men have been demonized by the media and the education system for so long, it has caused a lot of them to go their own way (MGTOW) and basically throw the towel in. But, if they are seen as the problem by so many parts of society, is this really a surprise? In a lot of cases, if a man criticises a woman he is labelled as a ‘misogynist, but if a woman criticises a man; it is highly unlikely that she will be called a misandrist. Interestingly, this is a word that a lot of people don’t even know. Socially Acceptable Due to this, if a woman has issues with men there is going to be no reason for her to face her wounds and to heal herself. Instead, she can simply project her pain onto all men and appear to have the moral high ground in the process. If a man, on the other hand, had issues with women and acted in the same way, he would soon end up being labelled as a misogynist and he might even end up being ostracised. Yet, as men are inherently bad, there can’t be anything wrong with a woman if she hates all men. Early Wounds When it comes to how someone sees men/women, it is often the result of how their mother/father, along with other figures, treated them when they were growing up. The trouble is that as the years pass, someone can end losing touch with what happened (the pain in their body). This is a defence mechanism - something that will take place to protect them from the original pain. The trouble is that while this will happen, the pain won’t disappear; this pain will end up being triggered by men/women in their adult life. Self-Reflection However, unless someone is in touch with what is taking place in their body, they will believe that these people are the problem. When in reality, they are simply mirroring back to them what they need to heal within themselves. If a woman is caught up in an ideology that stops her from looking into what part she is playing in how she experiences life, she won’t be able to own her own pain and to heal herself. The same can be said for a man who is caught up in something that allows him to avoid his own inner wounds. Looking Back Many years ago, before I had really worked through anything, I experienced a lot of hate towards women. I gradually came to see that my feelings didn’t have anything to do with women and everything to do with what took place when I was younger. My mother was emotionally, verbally and physically abusive, and this caused me to experience a lot of pain. But if I hadn’t looked into why I felt this way and faced my pain, I would have continued to project my pain onto women and believed that they were all the same; I might even have joined some kind of movement, who knows. Final Thoughts All it takes is for someone to have been wounded by their mother or father as a child and their mind can then cause them to see men/women in the same way. What this comes down to is that we don’t see with our eyes, we see with our mind. Thus, if someone believes that men are a certain way or women are a certain way, their reality will supply them with the evidence they need to support what they believe. The minds primary need is to be right and this is because being wrong is equated with death. Taking all this into account, one of the best things that someone can do to change the world is to heal themselves. If they don’t do this, they will just add even more pain and drama to it.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk |
Oliver JR CooperAuthor of 26 books, Transformational Writer, Teacher & Consultant. Introductory Consultation
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Disclaimer
That which is contained within these articles is based on my own empirical understanding and is true for me at the time they were written. However, as I continue to grow, what I perceive as the truth will inevitably change and as a result of this - parts of these articles may not reflect my current outlook.
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