About a week ago, I was looking through a book called ‘The Heart of the Soul: Emotional Awareness’ by Gary Zukav and Linda Francis. What first caught my attention was the book’s subtitle, and this was because I had used this term for the main title on a number of articles.
It soon became clear that this was a book that was filled with solid information; if I hadn’t of had a number of books on the go, I would have bought it. Part of this book went into what someone can do when they are trying to avoid their pain. A Common Occurrence It goes into how this is something that can take place when someone wants another person to save them. What came to mind during this time was that this is what someone can believe will happen when they get into a relationship. At the same time, this is something that can happen long before they have even reached this stage; with them believing that another person will do this shortly after they have met them. This is not to say that they will consciously see them as saviour, as it is likely to take place outside of their conscious awareness. Up and Down This person will then be elevated and seen as the one who will completely change their life. In the short-term, it might seem as though their life will never be the same, and this is naturally going to cause them to feel good. But, as time passes, it is likely to become clear that the person they are with is not the savour that they wanted. Ideally, this would be a time when they would step back and reflect on their behaviour. Another Shot Even so, it might not be long until they come into contact with someone else who they believe will save them, and the same process could play out all over again. There could be a certain type of person that they go for, too. For example, they could be drawn to people who are older and have a lot of power, or they could simply be drawn to people who come across as strong and appear to have it all together. This is, of course, not the only area of life where someone can look for a saviour. External Support Someone could have a teacher or a mentor, for instance, who they have put on a pedestal, believing that this person will change their life. This person could encourage them to take responsibility or they could be happy to make out that they are there to save them. When one believes that they need to be saved, it is likely to show that they are out of touch with their own power. Additionally, they could be carrying a lot of emotional pain in their body. Final Thoughts When someone sees another person as a saviour, it is as though they are looking at them through the eyes of a child. And, if they feel like a powerless child, it is to be expected that they will feel the need to be saved and see others as being more capable than they are. This is not to say that someone like this shouldn’t reach out for external support, as their life will change if they receive the right support. The assistance of a therapist or a healer may be needed here.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
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I was talking to someone the other day who was finding it hard to get through to another person in their life. They could see that this person was unable to make progress in an area of their life and this caused them to offer their advice.
But while it was their intention to assist them, this person ended up getting defensive and retracting. Based on their reaction, it was as though they were being criticised in some way. Confusion This wasn’t the kind of reaction that they expected to receive, making them wonder if they needed to hide this part of their nature from this person. Doing so would make it easier for them to get on; the downside is that it would cause them to lose a part of themselves. Therefore, when they were in their company, they wouldn’t be able to express their true-self. They would need to keep part of themselves in, and not only would this cause them to water themselves down, it would take a fair amount of energy to keep this part of them hidden. Looking Back This was a time when I started to think about what it was like when I first got into self-development; with this being a time when I shared what I had learnt with my family and friends. I spoke a lot about what I was learning and spoke out when I thought that I knew something that could help them. I believed that they would be only too happy to hear about what I had learnt and that they would want to hear about something if it might assist them. I wasn’t someone who believed in withholding anything; especially if I thought it could make a difference. A Big Surprise It soon became clear that, in general, these people didn’t want to hear about what I had to say. While I thought I was giving them something that could help them, they acted as though I was giving them something that could harm them. There were times when I thought that I was doing something wrong, which caused me to feel ashamed. After a little while, I thought that I wasting my time and that I couldn’t talk about this stuff with everyone. Two Sides Along with this, I gradually came to see that even though someone can create the impression that they want help, that doesn’t mean that this is actually the case. They could simply talk about their problems to gain attention; nothing more, nothing less. In this case, having a problem is going to cause them to experience pain, but they will probably be getting something from it; this benefit is usually unconscious. And until they are willing to take a step back and to reflect on what this benefit is, they may do whatever they can to keep their life the same. The Lesson As a result of all this, I came to see that not everyone has the desire to face themselves and that everyone has their own path. I also looked into why I felt the need to ‘fix’ and ‘rescue’ people. I came to see that by trying to change others I wasn’t respecting their boundaries and that this was a way for me to avoid my own baggage. Thus, playing this role allowed me to feel better about myself. Final Thoughts My need to change them was then a clear sign that I needed to look into what I was trying to avoid within myself. Behaving in this way was a waste of my energy and it stopped me from being able to embrace people who were different.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
Earlier on I caught up with my friend, Wain Gordon, and we touched upon a number of topics. One thing that I spoke about was a how-to guide that I had put together to assist others in finding their purpose.
He asked me a few questions about this and then he said that one of the ways that someone can get closer to their purpose is by looking into what comes naturally to them. After this, he went onto to say that some people are good listeners. A Natural Ability However, when someone has been his way for most of their life, they might not even think about how well they can do this. It then ends up being overlooked and not seen as something that they are good at. He said that there are people who end up going on courses to develop this ability; emphasising how sought after this ability is. Now, if another person was to comment on this talent, they would probably be surprised. The Power of Acknowledgment This made me think about how important it is for someone to be around people who can recognise their strengths. It can only take one person to recognise something that they can do and their whole life could change. But, if they don’t come into contact with someone like this, they can continue to overlook a certain ability of theirs. One of the great things about the internet is that it is easier than ever before for something like this to happen, due to the fact that we can connect with all kinds of people. A Personal Experience After I had been writing articles for less than three years, in 2013, I left a comment on one of Susan Winters articles, and before long, she ended up getting in touch with me. I received a lot of positive feedback from her and this had a big effect on me. Up until this point I believed in what I was doing, but through hearing this from someone who was an accomplished writer, author, and dating coach, it allowed me to see myself in a whole new light. What she said carried a lot of weight, and this was because of what she had achieved. Ask Others! Taking this into account, if someone wants to find out what their strengths are, they can ask the people in their life to give them feedback. They may also find that not only do these things come naturally to them, but that they enjoy doing them. At first, they may believe that they aren’t good at anything or that they can only do a few things; yet after a little while, they could have a whole list of things that they can do. As a result of this, the whole direction of their life could change or they could just use make a few minor changes in their life.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
When I was at school I was friends with someone who wouldn’t put up with being treated badly by others, and this meant that he ended up having a lot of fights. It didn’t even have to get to this point for him to harm someone though, as he would end up doing this even if he thought that they were going to harm him.
In a way, it was as though his very survival was constantly under threat and this was why he had to behave in this manner. If he didn’t behave in this way, his life might soon come to an end. An Animal Compared with most of the other children, he could have been seen as someone who wasn’t very civilised. Most of his fellow students were scarred of him, as were most of the teachers who taught him. A lot of people were surprised that we were friends, especially as I was very obedient. But although it seemed as though we had nothing in common, this was nothing more than an illusion A Similar Upbringing We were both lived somewhere that wasn’t safe and secure, where we were treated badly by the people who were supposed to look after us. One of the big differences was that while he expressed how he felt, I generally kept it in. What definitely made a difference, in how we responded to what was going on at home, was that we had a different temperament and physical structure. So, as I generally kept my pain in and he revealed it, it would have seemed as though he was the only one who needed help. A Reaction Naturally, this was a time in his life when it was up to the people around him to give him the right guidance and, more importantly, his caregivers should have realised how destructive their behaviour was and to put an end to it. While the story above relates to someone who was very young, this is exactly what can during our adult lives. Through being wounded early on, we can end up causing harm to the people we come into contact with. And the people who are on the receiving end of this are usually the ones we are closest too. Reactive Behaviour It won’t be necessary for us to physical hit another person to cause harm; we can do this by verbally abusing them, for instance. When this happens, we won’t be aware of what we are doing. This can then cause us to feel guilty afterwards or we might not even realise how destructive our behaviour is. What this shows is how hard is to be behave in a conscious manner when we are carrying pain. Two Elements One way of seeing presence would be imagine that it is like a fire that will never go out and to see pain as a type of water that will almost put this fire out. When someone carries a lot of pain it will cause this fire to just about go out and this will stop them from being able to embody a lot of presence. Yet, as they begin to work though their pain, it will allow this fire to gradually come back to life. This fire won’t have gone out overnight and this is why it won’t end up burning brightly overnight. Final Thoughts When someone faces their pain and works though it, they will be helping themselves and they will be having a positive impact on the world. This will allow them to be more loving and supportive. The assistance of a therapist or a healer may be needed.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
A number of years ago I developed a close friendship with someone, and while they had been with members of the opposite sex, they were now attracted to members of the same sex. This was something that became perfectly clear when they spoke about this area of their life, after we had been friends for a little while.
I had thought this might be the case earlier on in our friendship, but I wasn’t completely sure. So, when they started to talk about this area of their life, I asked them if they had felt the need to tell me that they were gay. An Important Point They ended up saying that they hadn’t felt the need to tell me this and, soon after, I came to the conclusion that they had the right outlook. Ultimately, I couldn’t care less who they were attracted to. I choose my friends based on what they are like as people, as opposed to who they are attracted to, for instance. In reality, who they were attracted to was none of my business and therefore, there was no reason for them to tell me. A Key Factor I think that the fact they didn’t tell me this directly and simply spoke about this area of their life, showed how comfortable they were their own sexuality. If, on the other hand, they hadn’t felt this way about their own sexuality, they may have felt the need to tell me. This would then have been a way for them to find out if I would accept them or not. And due to how people can be treated if they reveal that they are not attracted to the opposite sex or are attracted to both, it wouldn’t have been a surprise for them to come out with someone like this. A Solid Foundation What I believed played a part in how comfortable they felt with themselves was the support they received at the beginning of their life. I got the impression that their family accepted them then and now. The early support that they received - and continue to receive - would have made it easier for them to handle the challenges of adult life. When I think about what this person was like, I would say that they were one of the most confident people I have ever met. The Other Side I think that this all empathises is how important it is for someone to be accepted during the beginning of their life, regardless of what their sexual orientation is. When this takes place, they will be a lot more secure and resilient as an adult. When this doesn’t happen, it can be normal for someone to look towards others to give them what they didn’t get as a child. The wounded parts of them will want to be accepted unconditionally, but other adults won’t be able to offer this. Final Thoughts If someone does have trouble with accepting themselves, it will be vital for them to reach out for the right support and not to suffer in silence. This is something that can be provided by a therapist or a healer, for instance.
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In the article titled ‘I Am The Centre Of The Universe!’, I primarily went into what can happen to someone if they were violated and made to feel insignificant as a child. Towards the end, I briefly touched upon another consequence of being treated in this way.
To summarise; when someone was treated in this way as a child, they can act as though they are the centre of the universe, or they can go to the other extreme and act as though they have no right to exist. Unsurprisingly, it is usually the people who see themselves as being the centre of the universe who are spoken about the most. Retraction But, if someone feels worthless due to what happened to them as a child, the last thing that are going to want is for other people to notice them. Thus, this is not going to be something that will bother them. Or to be more accurate, a big part of them is going to be happy with experiencing life in this way. The downside is that even though a big part of them will be this way, there is going to be another part of them that desperately wants to be seen. Two Outcomes Now, if someone understands why they rarely receive attention, it might be slightly easier for them to handle. For one thing, there will be no reason for them to feel as though this is just happening randomly. However, if someone is not aware of why they rarely receive attention, they could see themselves as a victim. And, as they believe that they are not playing a part in what is taking place, this is to be expected. Two Parts There is going to be how they behave and there is going to be the energy or ‘resonance’ that they give off. These two aspects can cause them to give off a message that says - ‘don’t notice me’. Unlike the person who experiences life from the other side of the spectrum, they are rarely, if ever, going to throw their weight around and to see people as an extension of them. There is a strong chance that they will be used to being around people who are like this, though. Expansion The person who sees themselves as the centre of the universe needs to bring themselves in, while this person needs to allow themselves to take up more space. Ultimately, they have the same right to be on this planet as anyone else. As a result of what they have been though, and how they currently experience life, it might be hard for them to accept this. Even so, this is the truth; if they had no right to be here, they wouldn’t be here. Final Thoughts If someone can, at the very least, entertain this idea, it will give them the chance to do something about their life. Experiencing life in this is likely to be what feels safe at a deeper level, but this is something that can change. Through having the desire to change and the curiosity to find the right assistance, there is no reason why they can’t gradually transform their life. It all starts with taking the first step and not giving up.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
When I was out walking the other day, I was thinking about what can happen in someone’s adult years if they were violated and made to feel insignificant during their early years. What came to mind first was the kind of person who acts as though they are the centre of the universe.
Through being this way, it is not going to be possible for them to realise that they are no better or worse than anyone else. As a result of this, their needs are going to be more important than anyone else’s needs. The Perfect Example The other day a friend told me about something that he experienced and what he saw was a good example of how someone like this can behave. He saw someone hold up traffic so that he could take a picture of the side of a car. It then didn’t matter that they were standing on the road and holding traffic up, as the only thing that concerned them was fulfilling their own needs. After this, it was clear that they didn’t feel bad about what they had done A One-Off Now, this act alone doesn’t prove that they see themselves as being the centre of the universe, but it is what can happen when someone does. One of the things that make it easy for them to behave in this way is a lack of empathy. Therefore, through being more or less oblivious to the needs of others, there is going to be no reason for them to experience guilt and shame when they act in this way. If another person points out their behaviour, it is unlikely to have an effect on them. A Lack of Boundaries They are going to be happy to throw their weight around and to come across as though they are unable to see people as individuals. Other people will be seen as an extension of themselves, causing them to do whatever they want to them and their property. Consequently, this can cause them to come across as though they are larger than life. Ultimately, they won’t be firmly rooted in their own being, and this is why it will be easy for them to violate other people’s personal space. The False-Self This is going to be someone who is completely out of touch with their true self - in its place will be a false-self. Living on the surface of themselves will stop them from having to face how they felt during the beginning of their life. And the reason why they act as though they are so important is due to the fact that they feel so worthless at a deeper level. It is then going to be essential for them to maintain this act or they will end up falling right down. Final Thoughts This is one of at least three things that can happen when someone was severely wounded at the start of their life. Another thing that can happen is that someone can go to the opposite side of the spectrum and act as though they have no value. Thus, unlike the person above, they are generally going to fade into the background; it can be normal for them to feel depressed and as though they have no effect on their life. They may even have the tendency to end up with people who sees themselves as the centre of the universe.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
Over the years, I have heard many people say that they love their partner. Additionally, I have also seen people say this on social media, and this has often been followed up with their partner saying the same thing.
Whenever this was said, it was as though this meant that they would stay with each other until their time on this planet came to an end. But while this was the impression that was created, some of these relationships only lasted for a matter of months or even weeks after this was said. Short-Lived It each of these cases it wasn’t because one of them had passed on; there was nothing wrong with their physical health. Also, there were times when one of them ended up with someone else before much time had passed. One way of looking at each of these cases would be to say that while they appeared to be in love, this was nothing more than an illusion. It was then as though what they said didn’t fully match up with how they felt. Another Angle Another way of looking at it would be to say that they did love each other; it’s just that love means something else to them. Their version of love is when another person plays a certain role and meets specific conditions. What this then shows is that the love that they offer is conditional and not unconditional. It could be said that what they offer is not love; if it was, there wouldn’t be any conditions in place. Two Parts True love comes from the heart and is unconditional, whereas false love comes from the mind and is conditional. The reason the heart can offer unconditional love is because it doesn’t need anything. When the mind gets involved and ‘loves’ another person, their heart might not even be open. What can be involved in this version of love is the wounded part of them that didn’t get what it needed during their early year, and this part of them can influence their sexual organs, stomach and chest, amongst other areas. Unmet Childhood Needs The wounded part/s of them, often known as the inner child, can end up taking over, and it will want to receive what it didn’t receive all those years ago. As a result of this, another person will be seen as a mother/father figure or both, with this taking place unconsciously Having them around will then be a way to fulfil their inner emptiness, with this causing them to lose their boundaries. So, all the time that this person is around and is willing to go along with the role that has been unconsciously assigned to them, they are likely to stay together. Change Yet, as soon as this changes or if their partner was to share their body with someone else, the illusion that they have created will come crashing down. The ‘love’ that they had for the other person could disappear in a matter of seconds. They can end up hating the other person and do everything they can never to see them again. If this happens, it can show that they have end up projecting their so-called negative aspects onto the other person. Final Thoughts Perhaps, if they were able to see that the other person was an individual and that it was never going to be possible for them to give them what they didn’t get as a child, it would have made it easier for them to behave in a more balanced way from the start. They might have even found that they didn’t even love the other person. Doing this might have caused them to see that they were so caught up in the idea that they have created of the other person, that it stopped them from being able to actually see them. What this empathises is how our early years can influence our present day relationships and how important it is to face and then to heal our early wounds.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
Over six years ago, I wrote an article titled, ‘Abusive Parents: Why Do They Deny What Happened?’ In terms of the amount of comments that I have received for this article, it has to be one of the most popular articles that I have ever written.
I wrote this article at a time when I was trying to get to grips with my own childhood abuse and neglect. A little while before this my father had passed on and, in many ways, I was holding on for dear life. Guidance It was around this time that I had started to read books that Alice Miller had written, and what she said really spoke to me. But although part of me was in a really bad way, another part of me wanted to find out what the hell was going on. Giving up or even ending my own life was not an option; I had to find a way to get through what I was experiencing. It became clear that I couldn’t get through to my mother; she was completely in denial. Two Parts And, in the article above, I said that abusive parents will either deny what happened or minimize it. If my mother could bring herself to acknowledge any part of what happened, she would minimise what took place. The fact is that I wasn’t just bringing this up because I had nothing else to do and wanted to create a bit of drama; I brought it up because I was not in a good way and wanted her validation and support. The trouble was that as the wounded part of me needed her to do this, it meant that I suffered even more. Pulled Down It was as if an anchor was tied to my leg and this anchor was just pulling me further down, which made me feel even worse. But, due to how much pain I was in, I couldn’t simply let go of this need and move on. Another way of looking at it would be to say that it was as though a part of my body was attached to a car, causing me to be dragged over all kinds of sharp objects. The years that passed pushed me to the edge and I had to dig deep. One Focus What I went through as a child had already pushed me to the edge, so it wasn’t as though this was a completely new experience. Back then it was a matter of survival and during this time it felt no different. As the time passed, and I had read more books, written more articles and worked with more healers, I had more evidence to back up what I was saying. Clearly, if my early years were fine, as my mother made out, I wouldn’t have needed to do any of this. Life or Death Ultimately, I was investing my time in this way to keep myself from sinking and to heal myself; I wasn’t simply ‘curious’. Understanding and then healing my wounds was the only option that interested me. Before this trauma came up, I was looking for answers and I was making progress, but my life wasn’t so bad that I felt extreme pressure to change my life – this was no longer the case. I was in a lot of pain and I had to find answers; it was as though I was being chased and if I stopping moving, my life would soon come to an end. A Waste of Time However, even though I had more evidence to back up what I was saying as time went by (not that I needed any, seeing as I was clearly not in a good way), it didn’t have an impact on my mother. I started to see her denial had completely taken over and this stopped her from being able to face reality. Due to the amount of defences she had built up over the years, she must have genuinely believed what she was saying and believed that I was making it all up. After a number of years passed, I was able to see that there was another part to this. A Missing Element If my mother had the ability to empathise, she would have been able to see how much pain I was in. The fact that she couldn’t acknowledge what happened and was purely focused on making out that nothing happened, proved that something wasn’t right. What I had been through and what I was going through wasn’t being registered. This was nothing new though as this was something that had always been missing, and this caused me to believe that there was probably something wrong with her brain. Generational Abuse In the article above, I said about how abuse is often passed from one generation to another, and this was the case with my mother. Due to the defences that my mother’s mind has developed to protect her from her own trauma, I haven’t been able to construct a completely clear idea of what she went though. Yet, for whatever reason, she was unable to put an end to the abuse that had passed down her family line and ended up behaving in a destructive manner towards her own children. I have heard that people choose their parents and that it is not random, and maybe this is true. Final Thoughts I have learned a lot and healed a lot since that time in my life, and I can say that it was worth all the effort. I have come a long way and there is still work to be done, but I now know what it is like to feel at peace. So, if you are not in good way and you are working through your wounds, keep going and don’t give up. You deserve to experience inner peace and I believe that, if you keep going, you will be able to do so. I thought it would be fitting to end this article with a profound quote that I came across about a month after I wrote the article above. In the words of Alice Miller, 'The career of a psychologist begins in childhood with the desperate attempt to understand the parents without judging them'.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
Earlier on, whilst I was out running, I was reflecting on how important presence is when it comes to healing. It is important in all areas, of course, but this was the area that I primarily thought about.
For example, when a healer has been able to let in a certain amount of presence (I say let in as presence is always there and not something we develop), they will be able to be present with a client. This is likely to be a time when try will be connected to their heart, as opposed to being caught up in their head. Transformation Through being fully present, they will be able to hold the space, which will allow the other person to go where they haven’t felt comfortable enough to go by themselves. What they have avoided can then end up being brought up to the light and acknowledged. When this happens, the emotional pain and beliefs that were tormenting them can disappear. There was then no need for the healer to do anything; they simply needed to be with the client. A Radically Different Approach This approach is nothing like what is often put forward in today’s world; where it is often all about changing or removing negative thoughts and beliefs. In many ways, this approach is the result of a lack of presence. Instead of simply being with what is taking place, it is all about using force and willpower. This can be seen as what happens when someone is caught up in their mind, whereas being with what is is what happens when someone feels comfortable in their own body. Total Acceptance Trying to remove or change things is then a sign that someone is trying to run away or to escape from themselves. They are resisting how they feel because they don’t feel comfortable with what is taking place within them. When someone is present with what is going on within them, there is no desire to change anything. In the same way that they might be fully present if they had puppy or a kitten in front of them, they will simply be with their inner world. Pain Is the Barrier Not only will pain stop someone from being able to be with themselves, it will also have been what caused them to be in this position to begin with. Therefore, the less pain/trauma someone has within them, the easier it is likely to be for them to be present. What this also means is that the only reason a healer has the ability to be present is due to the amount of healing work they have done on themselves. And, as they are still human beings, there are bound to be moments when they lose their presence. In The Beginning So, presence is what allows people to heal and a lack of presence is what causes them to be wounded. The perfect example of this is when someone was neglected during their early years, which would have meant that their caregivers were physically unavailable but emotionally absent and/or they were physically absent. Either way, their lack of presence would have probably caused them to feel rejected, abandoned and as though they were worthless, amongst other things. There was then no need for their caregivers to say anything nasty or to hit them – the fact that they were not available was enough to severely harm them. Final Thoughts Modern day technology has consumed a lot of people’s attention, making it hard for them to be present with their friends, family and even their children. When someone is glued to their Smartphone, for instance, it can be normal for the people around them to feel ignored and as though they are not important. Not only does this kind of behaviour ruin relationships, it also has a negative effect on other human beings. With this in mind, it shows how much of a positive effect someone can have on the world when they are present.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk |
Oliver JR CooperAuthor of 26 books, Transformational Writer, Teacher & Consultant. Introductory Consultation
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Disclaimer
That which is contained within these articles is based on my own empirical understanding and is true for me at the time they were written. However, as I continue to grow, what I perceive as the truth will inevitably change and as a result of this - parts of these articles may not reflect my current outlook.
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