This is an area that can not only create frustration, anger and confusion; it can also make one feel powerless and a victim of circumstance. So here I am going to explain my current understanding, as to why we don’t always get what we think we deserve and can end up with something completely different. Our level self worth or deserving, can apply to relationships, career, emotions, health and money. So with the description done, lets begin to look through what I believe determines what we attract into our life. Early Years During the early stages of our life, our mind is like a sponge. Taking in and accepting all of the stimulus that our environment provides. And the messages that we received during these early years, although they can be inconsistent, are usually unchanging. Upon these experiences, we then begin to form an identity about who we are and what the world is like. This all happens through association, with our ego mind (reptilian brain) coming to the conclusion that all that is familiar to us, is also what is safe. So all of the messages we received from our environment end up setting the standard of what our mind will perceive as safe and what it will perceive as unsafe. Therefore, everything that we can allow into our life and everything we can’t is the result of what our mind perceives as safe. Do As I Say Not As I Do! I am sure at one point in out lives we have all heard this saying. And although logically this makes sense and would seem like a good saying, in reality this is far from the truth. This is because the majority of what we learn as a child is achieved by observing how others behave in the environments we are exposed to and not the result of what we are told. For example: often marriages or relationships’ are held together for the good will of the children. And although the intention is one of love and care, the consequences are potentially disastrous. This is because not only do we learn how to behave through how the people around us behave, we also form our own self-worth based on how the people around us are treated. What Does This All Mean? What this means is that not only is our self image the response of how others treated us, it is also the consequence of how others were treated in our environment. And through this, our mind starts to identify with what it saw, as it is familiar and therefore safe. There is also an element of acceptance and approval involved. When we are young we want to be liked and loved by the people around us. And if we act like the people around us we are more likely to achieve this. So at a deeper level we could be holding onto a dysfunctional self image. Consciously And Unconsciously So our conscious mind can want one thing, but to the deeper part of our mind or unconscious mind, there might be an association that it is not safe for us to have. This brings in the importance of being the observers of our mind, and questioning what we were told as a child. With many years having passed since those days, it is easy to assume that it is all in the past and that it is not effecting what we experience now. However, it is clear to see that if we want to be conscious human beings, we have to process our past to be able to truly live in the present and experience the level of deserving that is our true nature. The Diamond I believe our self worth is like a diamond. By this I mean that innately it is there and exists whether we embrace and accept it or not. The only thing that stops us from realising it is the conditioning we have received about who we are and what we deserve. People around us can say we deserve the best and that we are unlucky or unfortunate. All of which are not particularly empowering and can just perpetuate our run of bad luck and misfortune. Identification The mind identifies with and therefore holds onto what it knows and as I have said, this is what is familiar and safe to the mind. So by the act of observing our mind, looking at how we behave and the patterns that continually appear in our life, we will start to gain a picture of what is going on at a deeper level for us. And from that place, we will see what is attracting into our life the experiences that don’t match up to our true level of deserving. If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article.
Oliver J R Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk/
0 Comments
This is an area I have been reflecting on for many years, pondering and asking myself why such behaviour exists. And with my recent expression through writing, felt it was time to talk about this interesting and often confusing area of behaviour. So here, based on my experience and observation, I will describe what I believe are some of the reasons for such behaviour. These are not the right or only reasons and just my current views. Aloof The definition in a dictionary is something along these lines - Not friendly or forthcoming; cool and distant. Or conspicuously uninvolved and uninterested, typically through distaste. With this analysis I am going to be explaining the first part of the definition. Looking over what causes the not friendly or forthcoming and cool or distant behaviour. Examples There are many examples that come to mind when I think of aloof behaviour, however there are a few common examples that come to mind. The typical behaviour is of the person that will only make contact or express a greeting when they are spoken to by others and won’t make an effort to engage with others and initialize interactions themselves. Another example is when one engages with another and the response is one of distance and coldness. These behaviours can make someone look arrogant and ignorant and as if they think they are above or better than others. Isolated Occurrences Of course someone has to start a conversation and there might be instances when talking to someone might not be to the best of ones interests. What I am describing here, are the proclivities of someone and not isolated occurrences. Coping Mechanism When it comes to being cool and distant, I see these as being behaviours that are nothing more than coping mechanisms. A way for an individual to avoid the perceived or real experience of rejection. Causes Possible causes to such behaviour could result from being ignored or rejected during younger years. As a child we will naturally have moments when are parents or caregivers are not available for us, and we can take these to mean a withdrawal of love and as absolutes. If the experience is really traumatic, it can leave us with these feelings that colour our whole experience and cause us to filter our whole life this way. And now as a way to avoid reliving these painful memories, we use these coping mechanisms. Felling Safe Being distant or withdrawn allows one to feel a sense of safety and that there is no chance of rejection. However the more we behave in this way the more we actually feel rejected and neglected by others. Imbalance It also has to do with giving and receiving. With the left side of our body being the receiving side (feminine) and right side for giving (masculine).These kinds of traumatic early experiences create an imbalance within us and this then creates our behaviour. Withdrawing If we look for something, be it love or acceptance and it is not there or rarely there, we then begin to withdraw and hold back as a way to protect ourselves. To cut ourselves off from that which we want and need. This can then create passive behaviour and someone that holds back and is rarely willing to give. This is a perfectly normal consequence, of not being accepted when we have given or asked for something and each time we have been rejected or had one experience that was so traumatic that it created a point of reference. This all creates a problem with receiving and if we can’t receive, then we can have nothing to give and this can cause us to feel as if we are running on empty. Being Present By questioning our reactions and behaviour, we can begin to ask ourselves if we are acting from the present moment or acting from past memories. Past memories that trigger past associations and that have nothing to with what is going on now - in the present moment. Interpretation Just as I have mentioned above about there individual occurrences, there is also our interpretations of behaviour, that can cause us to assume and come to conclusions. There might also be other factors involved. These could be that the person is shy, quite or that there is currently something going on in their life that is causing the aloof behaviour. It might also have to do with environmental influences that are creating conflict and pressures for the individual. And if we see this behaviour a lot or it causes a reaction in us, then it could be mirroring something we need to look at within ourselves. If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article.
Oliver J R Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk/ |
Oliver JR CooperAuthor of 26 books, Transformational Writer, Teacher & Consultant. Introductory Consultation
To book your 15-Minute Introductory Consultation, click here.
Disclaimer
That which is contained within these articles is based on my own empirical understanding and is true for me at the time they were written. However, as I continue to grow, what I perceive as the truth will inevitably change and as a result of this - parts of these articles may not reflect my current outlook.
My Books...
|