For a woman who has been with an abusive man it is not always easy to move on. And this can be due to the following factors; how severe the abuse was and how the woman responded to the abuse.
But no matter what took place or how a woman was able to respond to the abuse that was taking place, a woman’s normal way of being will have altered. And this means that how she saw herself, others and the world is likely to have changed.
This can result in friends, family members and colleagues for instance, commenting on how they have changed. And while some women will be better than others at covering up how they feel, it is still likely to appear in some way.
When a woman is abused it can have numerous consequences and this can include: low self esteem, self doubt, physical appearance issues, and a lack of interest in life amongst others things.
Because even though how the man behaved towards the women didn’t reflect who they truly were, the woman internalised the man’s views. The woman may blame herself for putting up with such abuse and yet when we are in a relationship, we open up our boundaries and allow another’s person views to enter out personal space.
So through what took place happening so often, it is not much of a surprise that it was taken on board and embodied. And what was simply the man’s ideas and views, then become the woman’s truth about who she is what she is capable off.
A New Beginning
What has happened cannot be changed and yet a new beginning can be created at any moment. And this means that a woman can get back in touch with who she really is and embrace what is true for her.
As a result of what took place, it may be hard to get back in touch with what is true, at least at first. And with persistence and patience it will gradually start to reappear.
From This Moment
This could involve remembering how they felt before the relationship started, what interested them and made them feel alive and how they used to dress. All of these things may have become forgotten about as a result of what happened.
And by connecting to the person they were before or imagining a new version, ideas will start to appear on what can be done. It may be beneficial to write down this version and through doing this, it will give them a plan or structure to follow and stick to.
At the time it wouldn’t have been pleasant to be around this type of man and through no longer being in relationship with one, it can lead to all kinds of understandings. A woman can come to see what she will and won’t put up with and how she does and doesn’t deserve to be treated.
Their awareness around abusive men is also likely to increase; so filtering out men who are abusive will be a lot easier. It may have also been a wakeup call to no longer compromise or settle for anything less than what they truly need and want from a man.
Reaching out to supportive friends and family members will be essential during these early stages. These can be people who validate and acknowledge who a woman is and not people who invalidate their true nature.
Through the healthy mirroring and feedback from others, it will be easier to get back in touch with what is true and real and to let go of what is not.
After being with a man who was abusive it would be natural and normal to assume all men are the same. The mind works in polarities and so there is no grey to the mind. And after being with a man that was abusive, the emotions that were related to the man can be projected onto other men.
So it may be important to question how men are viewed and to let go of any unhealthy models and ideas that would stop one from attracting a man that is respectful, loving and kind for instance.
If this is a situation that a woman continually finds herself in it may be necessary to seek the assistance of a therapist, healer or a coach; or to read up about this area and engage in some kind of self reflection.
The assistance is out there, it is just a case of deciding what help is required and asking for it. And not allowing this to be something that defines who one is, but a stepping stone to a greater and more fulfilling relationship with oneself and others.
Ever since Eckhart Tolle’s book ‘The Power Of Now’ came out, being present has consumed the self help industry. And even people who were not into self development came across this book.
And whether it is a teacher speaking about being present or whether they are talking about how to make a cake, there is always going to be people’s interpretations of what something means.
These interpretations can be accurate and match up to what is being communicated or they can be completely inaccurate and have nothing to do with what is being communicated. The present moment is all there is and when one is not present then they are out of touch with the only moment that matters.
So although it is clear that being present is the ideal, it is not always easy to be present. At times, it can seem impossible and nothing more than a good idea.
And as it can be so difficult it can result in someone denying how they really feel or what they are thinking and all because they want to be present.
Being present then becomes a new name for denial and repressing how one truly feels. At first, this may seem like a great idea and one that may work for a short period of time.
Just like a new toy that a child receives from their caregivers; in the beginning their attention is consumed and then shortly after, it is thrown away just like the rest of the toys. The Childs short attention span is still there and is not going anywhere; no matter how many toys are given.
And the same applies to emotions, feelings and thoughts. If they are denied and covered up, it is unlikely to lead to one being present. They will just come back, but when they do, they may be even stronger.
The primary focus when it comes to self development and change is often ones thoughts. And these are often said to be the biggest challenge in one being present. So when the mind settles down, one can then experience a greater sense of peace and harmony within.
So from this point of view the mind is the only thing that matters and the body is therefore irrelevant. But if one were to become aware of their thoughts, they would often see that they are nothing more than a consequence of how they are feeling in their body.
Feelings and emotions are in the body and based on these, the mind responds accordingly. When these are unpleasant feelings and emotions, it is normal for the mind to become obsessed and to endlessly think about certain things. And these thoughts can be positive or negative.
This is a defence mechanism that the mind uses to regulate pain and to ensure its own survival. For if there was too much pain it could be overwhelming and lead to death.
So the minds thoughts are a way to calm everything down and to avoid the pain that is coming up from the body.
The Present Moment
It may sound like the right thing to do to let go off ones thoughts, but these thoughts are often only appearing as a result of what is going on in the body. When the body is at a place of peace, the mind is likely follow suit.
And due to the pain that can build up in the body, it can cause someone to reject their body and to live in their head. This is done because it can feel safer than living in a body that is full of pain.
A lot of focus has been placed on thoughts over the years and this has resulted in the body’s power being rejected. And yet the body is where ones power really is and where the answers are found.
So if one lives in their head due to what has built up in their body, there is likely to be a lot of trapped emotions and feelings. When the body is at peace, the mind can relax. But when the body is in pain, the mind is going to end up thinking excessively.
These can be emotions and feelings that have become trapped as a result of what has happened to someone as an adult and what took place during their childhood years.
This can include the following feelings and emotions: rejection, abandonment, betrayal, grief, fear, rage, resentment, anger, helplessness, hopelessness, shame, guilt and fear.
And just because they are trapped in the body, it doesn’t mean that they are not having an effect on one’s life. They are constantly looking to be heard in one way or another.
When one is present and in the moment, they are likely to be free of fear and other restrictive emotions. But if these feelings and emotions are trapped in the body, it is going to be practically impossible to be present.
And this is why it is important to let go of what has built up in the body. When this happens, being present will not be a struggle or something that involves force. It will be something that naturally takes place and all because there is peace in the body.
In many ways, the mind is simply a reflection of what is going on in the body. So getting in touch with ones feelings and emotions and releasing them is very important.
This can be done with the assistance of a therapist or a healer that will allow one to face them and release them.
It is often said that attachment creates suffering and this is one of the foundations of Buddhism. And when it comes to attracting something into one’s life, attachment is said to be the very thing that will sabotage its arrival.
One only has to look at what they are attached to and what they are not attached to, to see this dynamic at work. What one is attached to is often what they don’t have and what they are not attached to is typically what they do have in their life.
This shows how important ones focus is in what shows up in their reality and what doesn’t. Logically, it seems right that one should place their attention on what they want and keep it there until it shows up.
However, through doing this, what one seeks will continue to allude them. Ideally, the intention is set and then one lets go; while carrying on with what needs to do in each moment of their life.
And attachment can easily lead to the ego mind becoming obsessed. For if one is not happy within or is not experiencing a sense of peace; there will be more pressure to get what one is attached to. Through getting this, one will expect to feel better about themselves or happier with their life.
So in this case, the more inner turmoil that one has, the more attachment there is likely to be. Through this, one can easily come to the conclusion that peace and happiness are attained through acquiring things.
And when it comes to the modern day world, this is not just a point of view that a small minority have for instance; it has become a ‘truth’ of the western world. Here, materialism is the new god and what will bring an end to people’s inner unrest.
The Other Extreme
On the other side of all this is the outlook that one should have no attachments and that materialism should be renounced. And if someone lives in a mountain and has therefore severed all relational ties; then this outlook is probably ideal.
For the individual that is very much part of the world, this way of life is unlikely to work. To be overly attached to things is going to create unnecessary pain and to have no attachments could lead to someone who lacks structure and who doesn’t allow themselves to get close to anyone. And to be this way is not going to be practical in today’s world.
To be overly attached to something is often a sign that one doesn’t trust that it will show up. Although one may be attached to getting something, if the trust is there, the attachment is minimal.
And when there is so much attachment to something, it can be very difficult to trust and to let go. While it can be normal to blame oneself for getting attached and even try to have no attachment; these approaches rarely work.
When one is experiencing emotional turmoil within, it is often inevitable that external things are going to be sought in order to regulate how one is feeling. And this can relate to all areas of one’s life.
Key areas are going to be relationships with: the opposite sex, colleagues, managers, friends and family members. There is also the potential for strong attachment when it comes to achieving certain milestones in one’s life or attaining important things such as a house or a car.
A Closer Look
The painful feelings that can come up in these areas and therefore lead to attachment are: rejection, abandonment, powerlessness, hopelessness, helplessness, shame, guilt, emptiness, worthlessness, fear and grief amongst other things.
And once they appear, one desires and wants external things as a way to remove the inner experience that is taking place. So while attachment can be deemed as the problem, if these feelings were not there, then the one is unlikely to become so attached in the first place.
When it comes to relationships and in finding a suitable partner, one can become attached to finding ‘the one’ or become extremely needy and attached to someone they have just met.
In the work environment, one can complete a task and then spend the rest of the week or month worrying about whether they have done it right. And as they can’t let go of the outcome, their whole life becomes consumed by what may or may not happen.
So while these are simply emotions and feelings, they have incredible power and influence over one’s life. How reality is experienced is often the result of how one feels and to the degree that one is attached to something or not, will also depend on how emotionally settled one is.
But while emotions and feelings can come and go, they can also become struck and end up being trapped in the body. And one of the consequences of having trapped emotions and feelings is that one can end up becoming inordinately attached to things.
These can relate to emotional experiences that have not been dealt with as an adult and that one had as a child. The mind can be cut off from the body and believe that what happened in the past no longer has any affect on one’s life. However, when the mind avoids emotions and feelings, the body can end up paying the price.
The mind can pretend they no longer exist and when this happens, the body will be forced to store them. This can be in ones muscles, organs, bones and skin.
Modern Day Triggers
Although these emotions and feelings are trapped in the body, they want to be released and let go. In a situation where one becomes overly attached to someone or something, these trapped emotions are coming to the surface and one can then end up believing that the external world is causing them to feel as they do.
But even though external sources can trigger these emotions and feelings, they often have nothing to do with what’s going on externally. If one reacts to these feelings, they are also giving away their power to external sources.
These feelings and emotions could be seen as parasites, as they can make one want and do things that do not reflect who they are. And as these feelings and emotions are released, one is unlikely to be as attached and what they are attached to can also change.
Because if one no longer feels a sense of shame, rejection or powerless for example, then their point of focus is inevitably going to change. Andy by being more at peace within, one can be who they are, instead of trying to be who they are not.
What one actually wants and needs can then show up, with less resistance and struggle. This process of releasing ones emotions and feelings can be done with the help of a therapist or healer.
There are many challenges in today’s world and the area of suicide is one of those. This can relate to people who are committing suicide or to people who feel suicidal and who would like to end their life in some way.
Mental and emotional problems have become the norm in the western world. But even though this is a serious problem, it not something that is openly spoken about in most cases. And just like depression or any other kind of internal challenge that one can have, it is has become a taboo.
So although someone can be crying out for assistance and solutions to their internal challenges; there is an invisible barrier that can stop one from reaching out for the support they desperately need.
In order for someone to be assisted with their mental or emotions problems, they will need to feel that it safe to do so. And when other people, such as celebrities or influential people, stand up and express what they are going through or have gone through, it can remove a lot of these invisible barriers.
Here, one can start to see that how they feel or think is actually normal and it is not something that one needs to feel ashamed of or that there is something inherently wrong with them. So as awareness increases, it can remove a sense of isolation and that one is only person who has a certain challenge.
And this is why awareness is so important; because all the time something is hidden and not spoken about, it can result in one suffering in silence. They may be surrounded by people or spend a lot of time by themselves, but if one feels that they have to hide what they are going through, it won’t matter whether one is alone or has people around them.
In an ideal world, mental and emotional problems wouldn’t exist. But without even going that far, the ideal would be for them to be accepted and seen for what they are: a sign that something is not right within and needs to be looked at with compassion, care and acceptance.
Not something to be judged as: bad, wrong or shameful. When something is resisted it often leads to its continuation and when something is faced and embraced, is can often lead to some kind of resolution.
While facing something can put an end to the affects that it is having; avoiding something can cause it to become more powerful. This relates to all areas of life, from weeds in a garden, to relational conflicts. If these things are faced, it can minimize the challenges that have appeared, if they are ignored they can become completely out of control.
So instead of one having a healthy sense of control, one can end up being controlled by these occurrences. And emotions and feelings are no different here; if they are avoided and not released in some way, they can completely take over.
If one didn’t form a healthy relationship with their emotions and feelings as a child, it is unlikely that one is going form a new relationship with them as they get older. Perhaps one could seek out assistance and take personal responsibility, but this is often the exception as opposed to the rule.
When it comes to the education system or the health care system, one is unlikely to learn about emotions and feelings. These are generally ignored and are seen as insignificant. What society does do is provide a way to avoid emotions and feelings.
So one can avoid them and cover them up, but they don’t simply disappear; they build up in the body. And as they build, they have more power and influence over what one does and more importantly, how one feels.
It then doesn’t take much reflection to realise that this is going to lead to certain consequences taking place. And what may have started out as a feeling that was fairly moderate and not too overwhelming, as time passed, this can easily cause one to feel completely overpowered and trapped.
One does need to go into water to experience drowning; they can feel that they are drowning in their feelings and emotions. These can range from a feeling that is overwhelming to a combination of feelings. Here, one can be left with the feeling that everything has gotten out of control and is too much to handle
For some people, this will be an experience they have had their whole life and it could then seem normal and how life is. And for others, this can have appeared as a result of some kind of loss; either the loss of a job, loved one or through a relationship coming to an end.
One of the biggest factors in whether one has felt this way their whole life or in if it has appeared during ones adult years, is how their emotions were responded to as a child.
As a child, one doesn’t have the ability to emotionally regulate themselves. The brain is not developed enough to deal with them and so it is vital that one has a caregiver that can assist in this process.
When one experienced emotions as a child, it can feel like the end of the world and one can easily become overwhelmed by them. If one had a caregiver that was emotionally available this is not going to be a problem. Through having a caregiver like this, ones emotions will be regulated in the majority of cases. Here, one will be able to develop their own ability o regulate their emotions. And learn that it is safe to seek support in others when this is not possible.
If one was brought up by a caregiver that was emotional unavailable and out of tune with their needs, then this important process is unlikely to take place. During times of emotional unrest and unease, as a child one will have to just sit in their emotions and feelings. There is simply no one around to show them how to regulate their emotions
And as one does not have the ability to do this at such a young age, it can result in all kinds of problems. The feeling of wanting to die and wanting one’s life to end is going to be normal. These feelings are far too much for one to cope with as a child. But as no one is there, one has very little choice in the matter.
These emotions and feelings will have to be pushed in to one’s body. And not only is there the emotional build up going on, but one didn’t learn how to regulate their emotions either. So it’s like having a challenge and yet having no idea how to overcome it.
This original experience of being overwhelmed by emotions can then stay will someone for their whole life or perhaps something occurs in later life and retriggers these early experiences.
One can feel overwhelmed and trapped on the inside and then society can aid in this experience, as a result of overlooking emotions. If so many people have has a childhood like this and do all they can to avoid their emotions; it is not a surprise that society is so emotionally unaware.
As society is mirroring what is going on for the majority of people. Emotions and feelings are not good or bad and they have become such a challenge due to them building up and becoming out of control.
In order for one to let go of their emotions and feelings that have built up, one will need the assistance of a healer of therapist; one that will allow one to face them and therefore release them. How long this can take, can depend on how much of a build-up one has.
There is something called an inner voice and this is available to each one of us. But although this is the case, it doesn’t mean that one is in tune with their inner voice or even knows that they have one.
The Inner voice is not the only term that is used to describe this powerful guidance system. For some people it will be called intuition or some kind of psychic ability. One will have hunches, sense things or just feel or know that something is right or wrong. And as there are many ways of perceiving the world, this all makes sense.
However, in the modern day world there is so much noise and this can make it extremely difficult to listen to this voice. And there are numerous sources that can inhibit one from doing so.
To be reliant on external figures for guidance and information has generally become the norm. People are rarely encouraged to come to their own views and insights. These different sources begin from the moment one is born and carry on until the moment one passes.
During this time one is dependent and therefore has to rely on the guidance of their caregivers and other people. This is to be expected and it not a problem per se. What can lead to challenges is when one is brought up by caregivers who are overbearing, controlling or abusive in some way.
In these cases a child is going to be discouraged from listening to themselves. And this can cause one to lose touch with their inner world and what is true for them.
If one hasn’t lost touch with it, then they may come to doubt what they know is right and all because it has been denied for so long. And if the people who one trusted and depended upon invalidated this inner wisdom, it is not much of a surprise.
Next up is typically the education system and in a lot of cases this is nothing more that glorified regurgitation. Of course one needs to learn how to read and write for instance; this cannot be emphasised enough.
And yet, to think critically or to question things is not something that is part of most curriculums. People are generally taught that the answers are found in books or through an authority figure. So the answers that each person has within them and their own truth, is overlooked and covered up.
This is often described as educating the mind, but forgetting the heart. The intellect becomes highly evolved and the softer or lighter side of someone is neglected. So this inevitably leads to an imbalance being created. One is supported in their search for answers in the external world and abandoned in their search for answers within.
Another powerful influence is society and this has been there since the moment one was born in one form or another. The media for example has a massive impact on how one sees the world and themselves.
And what is presented in the media is generally portrayed as being the truth and that’s the end of it. So this can create a dependence on external sources and not support one in coming to their own sense about it all.
One can become cut off from themselves through self development, as ironic as this may sound. It is clear that one may need to be assisted at times and that other people can be a catalyst or mirror for one’s personal evolution.
But, this process can end up being sabotaged through one getting caught up in what other people suggest they should or shouldn’t do. One can become dependent on other peoples knowledge, as opposed to listening to their inner voice. The inner will need to be balanced with the outer.
Due to there being so many influences out there that are trying to stop one from listening to what is being communicated to them within, feeling cut off can be normal. If one has not been encouraged from the day they were born and right until they are an adult, how would someone have this connection.
By stepping back from this and looking at it from another viewpoint, it becomes clear that there is a lot of control going on. People are not being supported in their pursuit of the truth; they are being told what is true and what is not.
And it would be easy to blame the ego and say that the ego needs to be dissolved or something similar. But this perspective often comes from a lack of understanding. The ego is there to keep one alive and to allow them to have their own personal experience of life.
Control is something we all need, but this healthy need can end up going to the extreme. To feel that one has no control is disempowering and to be overly controlling is going to disempower others.
And whether one feels that they have no control or that they need to control others, it is coming from the same cause. This person is probably carrying trapped feelings and emotions that are disabling them from feeling a healthy sense of control. The ego is not to blame; it is more a case of one needing to heal what is going on within them.
A New Way
So if healing was part of life and something people were encouraged to engage in, then the need to control others would not be as strong. And then people’s personal space would be respected and this would support people to look within.
If one has become cut off from this inner voice it is unlikely to be something that one gets back in touch with overnight. What can stop one making this connection is what they have picked up over the years. This can be feelings and emotions that that have become trapped in the body
If one has a strong sense of who they are and is empowered, it will be easier to not only listen to this voice, but to act on it. Because if one is not empowered, there will be the tendency to look outside for approval and acceptance and this means that one will ignore their inner guidance.
This process of letting go and realising ones personal power can be assisted by a therapist or healer who will allow one to let go. Or one can do this through some kind of self inquiry.
When abuse is mentioned it is often a man that comes to mind and this is due to number of reasons. Firstly, a man is generally seen as being stronger than a woman and so this can sound right.
And if one were to look back on history, there are numerous examples of men who have abused their power in relation to women. These are two big reasons that can cause one to assume that men are the main culprits when it comes to abuse.
However, while men can be and are abusive in some cases, women are just as capable of being abusive. A man may be physically abusive, but they can also be emotionally or verbally abusive. And women can use the same methods of abuse, they are not limited either.
On one side is ones physical age and on another is their mental and emotional age. And they don’t always match up with each; one side can be more evolved than the other.
So although it may be a surprise to some people that a man could be abused by a woman; what’s going on at a mental and emotionally level may not match up to what is physically observable.
Due to the general image that men have and how they are meant to be strong and capable, it can often create a lot of shame to be abused by a women. And so it is likely that a man may keep it to himself.
Perhaps this is one reason why abusive men are often given more exposure than abusive women. It can also sound more realistic for a man to be abusive and less so for a women to be.
This is typically going to be woman that hides her true nature at first, but there may be certain signs or clues if a man was to take notice. And yet, during an early stage of a relationship, it is easy to be caught up in the all that is good and pleasurable.
So this means that even if there were certain actions or behaviours that give their true side away, one is unlikely to see them. Other people may become aware of them and point them out, but they could end up being dismissed by the man.
Perhaps the woman is exceptionally attractive and/or comes across as: kind, generous, loving, supportive and warm. A man may admire these traits or as a result of a recent set back or loss is in a vulnerable place and is drawn to this woman.
As the relationship progresses there is going to be another side that is revealed. And this may have been there during certain moments in the beginning or it could be a side that is completely different to what the man first saw.
In some cases this abuse could be physical, but in most cases it is going to be verbal and emotional. This can range from subtle criticism, manipulation and put downs. Or these could be more extreme, but one is often going to be worked down gradually. A woman may withhold intimacy and love as a way to take control.
If the abuse was too much in the beginning the man may leave. So through this gradual approach, a man can become accustomed to it. And over time it can feel normal or even comfortable and as a result of this, there may be less resistance to the abuse.
The need to leave the relationship may arise or their friends or family may suggest that they do, but this is often easier said than done. Because even though it is dysfunctional and healthy, one can end up being worn down by the whole experience.
So as much as one may want to move on and find someone who is healthy, they might question their ability to do so. However, their family and friends may not even believe that abuse is taking place. And this is because they may only see the side of the woman that the man first saw.
For some men this will be something that continually happens and no matter where they are or what woman they go for, the same thing occurs. Or it could be an experience that a man seems to have at random and is nothing like their pervious relationships.
There are at least two reasons as to why a man would attract an abusive woman. One is the kind of childhood they had and the other is what has happened to them in later life. If a man has experienced some kind of loss in later life for example and this is not processed; it can lead to a sense of vulnerability.
The Vulnerable Man
Here, as a man is in a lower place and is looking for support, he could be attracted to a woman that comes across as strong in some way. Through feeling weaker and in need of affection, a man may be more likely to compromise and to put up with the more subtle forms of abuse.
And as this turns to even greater expressions of abuse, the man does not have the energy or the strength to stand up for themsevles. So what started off as being a minor problem, soon spiralled out of control.
The biggest factor will be the kind of relationship they had with their primary caregiver. If a man was brought up by a mother who was abusive, it can set a man up to feel that this is normal and how they deserve to be treated.
This creates a kind of tolerance for abuse and even if this early abuse is not too extreme, it can lay down the foundations for one to put up with abuse that is.
The Ego Mind
As one is likely to have experienced this abusive behaviour from their mother on numerous occasions, it would have become familiar to them. And what is familiar is what is classed as safe to the ego mind.
So even though it was unhealthy and dysfunctional, one’s mind came to feel comfortable with it. One was trained by their mother to put up with abusive behaviour.
At one level, being around abusive women will not feel good, but at another level it will feel normal and how life is.
These early associations that the mind formed will need to be changed; so that the mind no longer sees abusive women as being familiar and therefore safe. As this happens one will not be attracted to them or attract them into their life.
Emotions and feelings that had to be pushed into the body during these early moments may also need to be released. This is a process that can be assisted by the assistance of a therapist, healer or a coach or through one questioning and challenging their inner processes and behaviour.
One may experience the end of a relationship without experiencing too much pain or they could experience immense pain and suffering when a relationship comes to an end. It could then be hard to comprehend what is taking place and why this person is having this affect.
And it doesn’t even need to be one that was fulfilling; it could have been average or even abusive for instance. It also doesn’t need to be one that lasts that long, as it could last for only a short period of time and still result in pain being created.
The Common Reasons
There has been a greater focus on the brain in recent times and on the chemicals that the brain emits. Each of these chemicals has a certain purpose and an effect on how one feels.
The ones that are often mentioned in relationships are oxytocin and dopamine. And oxytocin is typically classed as the trust or love chemical. Dopamine is to do with feeling happy.
When a relationship comes to an end these are naturally going to subside and are no longer going to be created in such high amounts. So as what one was experiencing is no longer there, it is inevitably going to lead to pain.
Just like how a drug addict would feel tense, uptight or even suicidal if they didn’t get their regular dose, someone whose relationship has ended can feel the same way. But while the drug addict would be missing something that often comes in the shape of a tablet or some kind of powder; in this case what’s missing is a person.
The Good Times
It will also mean that all of the good times and the special moments that were shared will have come to an end. The physical touching, the sharing and the support will no longer be there.
One may even have planned their life around this person and this can range from going on a trip together, to having children and getting married. These plans could be relatively small or monumental and define ones whole life.
What is clear is that the stakes can be extremely high and there is so much that one can lose through a relationship coming to an end. It can feel as though one’s life has come to an end and that life no longer has any meaning.
So the ending of a relationship is not something that should be taken lightly or dismissed as something one should simply get over and move on from. It is a very delicate area and one that needs to be treated with compassion, care and patience.
The Ego Mind
Another important factor in why relationships can cause so much pain when they end is in how the ego mind functions. When a relationship begins and as it progresses it will feel good and be pleasurable. But, although these are wonderful experiences, they are nothing like the experience of when a relationship ends.
To gain something is all well and good and yet to lose something generally leaves a bigger mark. One may gain something without taking much notice and then when something is lost, one can’t help but notice.
The ego mind typically forms associations of familiarity around what one has regularly come to experience and this is what will be classed as safe. This process can take place around experiences that are functional and dysfunctional.
If one were to make a change from something that was unhealthy in their life to something that is healthy, it can be interpreted as death by the mind. This is because it’s not familiar and therefore unsafe.
Ultimately any kind of change will be seen in the same way. And when a relationship ends, one is going from what was familiar to what is unfamiliar. Even though at one point the relationship was unfamiliar in the beginning, it gradually became known as familiar to the mind. So this will be experienced as death and this is another reason why the end of a relationship can hurt so much.
The past Returns
When one is in a relationship it can be going along nicely and without too much pain and then when it ends, extreme pain can be experienced. And with the reasons above aside, this can be due to ones unprocessed history coming to the surface.
So the emotions and feelings that one has carried since their childhood and that relate to their caregivers will appear once more. Relationships are often described as vehicles that have the potential to lead one into wholeness.
And these can include the following emotions and feelings: grief, sadness, hopelessness, helpless, powerlessness, loss, anger, rage, betrayal, rejection and abandonment. One can even have suicidal feelings and end up depressed.
Although time has passed and one has physically grown up, these emotions and feelings will have remained trapped in the body. And they are being triggered by the relationship ending.
However, one can easily come to conclude that these feelings and emotions are the result of the relationship ending. And while some of them can be, they could also have nothing to do with the current relationship.
Here, it can be normal for one to project these feelings onto the other person and believe that it’s a reflection of how the relationship was. When in reality, it is the result of the past being projected onto the present and may have very little to do with how the relationship was or who the person is.
There are many factors as to why the end of a relationship can hurt so much. And getting over this pain is unlikely to be something that happens overnight. But while a lot of pain can be experienced, it can also lead to incredible personal growth and to a greater wholeness.
The assistance of a therapist or healer may be useful to enable one to release emotions and feelings that have built up. It will be important that one reaches out for support from family and friends.
There may be a tendency to find another lover to regulate this pain and yet this can often lead to more problems down the line and stop one from grieving. So in the short term it may feel like a good idea, but in the long term it could just result in more problems.
Although emotions need to flow and to be expressed during moments when it is appropriate; they are often inhibited and denied the chance to be expressed. Now, there will always be times in ones life when it is not appropriate to express them and yet when one is in a different environment, it will be important that they are released and the emotional flow can return.
However, while the above is the ideal, it doesn’t always take place. And as a result of this, emotions will start to build up in one’s body. One may not feel that it is safe to express their emotions as an adult and this could have been an outlook that they had since they were a child.
And so as they have never been allowed to be expressed and released, they had nowhere else to go. One could now have a body that is completely filled with emotions.
As an adult there are all kinds of emotionally charged and traumatic situations that one could have been through. This could relate to the loss of a: family member, friend, lover or a pet for instance. Or perhaps it was another kind of loss that related to: a job, business project or the ending of a relationship.
And while any of these can create extreme pain and suffering, it doesn’t mean that this pain and suffering will be dealt with in a healthy way. One could have avoided the emotional experience that they had and the body then had to pay the price.
When this happens, one can forget how they felt, that’s if they even knew, and completely lose touch with their emotions. So the mind can then come to conclude that they no longer exist and naively believe that that’s the end of it.
So even though ones adult years do play a big part in whether or not emotions become trapped in one’s body, there is also another time that can be even more important. And these are the childhood years and this is a time when one is more dependent on others.
This means that the type of caregivers one had and the other people that were around during this time will typically define whether one felt safe to express their emotions or not.
Type Of Care
How aware ones caregivers were will often define the type of care that they received. If one was brought up by a caregiver who was primarily empathic, emotionally available and in tune; then there would have been less of a need to deny or hide how one felt as a child.
But if one was brought up by caregivers who were unempathic, emotionally unavailable and out of tune; then there is a higher chance that one would have had to hide and deny what was going on emotionally.
And in some cases, this could have been due to one being verbally, sexually, emotionally or physically abused as a child. In each of these cases, one would have had to detach from how they felt (their body) and these feelings and emotions would have ended up staying in their body.
However, while moments of extreme abuse can be a factor here, it could also have been a consequence of situations that were fairly subtle and pain free. Here, one may have just had situation after situation that was mildly frustrating and disempowering.
And at the time, they didn’t cause too much pain, but as these experiences accumulated they became a problem. So at first they could be overlooked and forgotten about, but after a while they completely took.
As A Baby
While remembering what happened as a child can be tough and sometimes even impossible to do, it can be even hard to get a sense of how one felt as a baby. But even though one may not be able to remember what happened during these very early years, it doesn’t mean that they are not important.
As one was so undeveloped at this time, if one was brought up by a caregiver that was emotionally unavailable and out on of tune, then ones emotions would have had nowhere to go. The body would then have to absorb these motions and carry the emotional weight.
So above are a few examples of what can lead to trapped emotions. One thing is certain here, and that is that the body is going to feel tight, tense and weighed down. The emotions and feelings that can become trapped in the body include: hopelessness, powerlessness, shame, guilt, anger, rejection, abandonment, betrayal, despair, grief, rage, resentment, fear, anxiety, loss and panic.
Suicidal feelings can also be trapped in the body; as if no one is around to regulate a Childs emotions, it can feel like the end of the world. This is because a child hasn’t got the ability to regulate their emotions and so they are overwhelming. And wanting to die is then a normal response to being emotionally abandoned.
And when these emotions and feelings have become trapped in the body, it can lead to all kinds of consequences arising. Ones behaviour can be defined by them and the people that one attracts and is attracted to can all be the result of what’s going on in the body. Feeling empowered and having self control can be more or less impossible.
Reactive, violent and abusive behaviour is inevitable if one has got a lot of trapped emotions in their body. So is the feeling that one has become emotionally stuck and has not grown up. Having no energy and feeling depressed, addicted and obsessed can be consequences. Health problems can also arise.
Intimacy And Boundaries
If one has a lot of trapped emotions in their body it can make it extremely difficult to experience intimacy. And this is because emotions such as rejection, loss and abandonment can build up in the chest; as well as the fear of getting to close to another in the stomach area.
Having strong and functional boundaries is not going to be possible if one has all these emotions built up. Being enmeshed or dependent on another can seem normal and one can feel that they have no control over their body.
This is one reason why positive thinking and changing the minds thoughts or beliefs doesn’t always work. For if one has all these emotions trapped in their body, changing what’s going on in the mind is going to do very little. All it may do is create more frustration, anger and a sense that one has no control over their reality.
It would be like one changing the icing on a cake and expecting the cake itself to change. If the cake is a fruit cake, changing the icing won’t make it a sponge cake.
These emotions that have become trapped in the body will need to be released. And this can be done with the assistance of a therapist or a healer. Here they will allow one to get in touch with their feelings and release them. How long it will take can depend on how much of an emotional build up one has.
When this starts to happen one will be able to experience self control and perhaps this will be something that has never been experienced before. The need to control others will start to diminish as a result.
How we respond to others and how others respond to us can appear to be random and without reason at times. And at others times, it can be patently obvious as to why we have behaved as we have towards another or why they behaved as they have towards us.
But whether one is aware of their behaviour or not, one is still playing a large part in how others are treating them. The same is true of another person and in how one treats them.
Even though one has a certain amount control and influence over how others treat them, it doesn’t mean that this control and influence is always utilised. In some cases, one may be completely unaware of this and come to conclude that they are just observing what is taking place. One could then end up feeling like a victim of circumstance.
Now, some areas of one’s life will be more important than others when it comes to how they teach others to treat them. Ones partner or lover, colleagues, family and friends are all going to be vital areas here.
If one has a lot of interactions in these relationships where they are not being treated in a way that honours who they are, then how they have behaved in the past and continue to behave is likely to be a key factor.
What can make it difficult to notice that one is having an effect on how others treat them is if this behaviour feels normal. And this could be due to them having put up with this kind of behaviour since the very beginning of their life.
So one may not think about the role they are playing in all of this as there experience of others has always been the same. It could then be seen as how life is and as a reflection of who one is.
If one is treated by others in a way that is empowering or respectful, it won’t be a problem. But if one is treated by others in a way that is disrespectful and disempowering then problems will arise.
Perhaps one is has become accustomed to: being taken advantage of, controlled, compromised, abused, humiliated and continually let down by others for instance.
While one may believe that this is out of their control, if they look close enough they will see that there are patterns to how people treat them. With there being nothing random or unexpected about how others treat them. One may expect to be treated in these ways.
As one looks back on how each interaction started and the ones that followed, there will be certain clues. And these could subtle or they could be painfully obvious. And how one responded to how the other person behaved during these interactions will often define how they will behave in future interactions.
This could relate to one tolerating certain behaviours that didn’t feel right and even though this was the case, they didn’t speak up or let the other person know.
And when one doesn’t inform the other person that how they are behaving in not acceptable, either verbally or nonverbally, then the other person is going to assume that is it acceptable. They don’t even have to be someone who is malicious; all they are doing is responding to the signals that are being given.
This is not to say that everything another person does is pure in intention, as some people do try to take advantage of others. And this is when one needs to respond in the right way; so that another person comes to realise that their behaviour is not acceptable.
At a deeper level, the reason one puts up with certain behaviour that doesn’t honour who they are is because it will feel comfortable. And so it is often more about ones inner resistance to standing up for themselves than it is about what the other person is or is not doing.
The ego mind creates associations of familiarity around things that one has experienced a lot. And these become what are classed as safe. So going against what feels comfortable can feel like death to the mind.
What one feels comfortable with and what they don’t will have to be questioned. As it won’t be healthy to feel comfortable putting up with behaviour that is disrespectful and invalidates who one is.
Here, it might be beneficial to take a closer look at the relationships in one’s life that are dysfunctional and to what the defining moments were. Or the small things that were allowed to accumulate and get out of hand.
The perception one has of themselves will often define what they will and won’t put up with. And so as ones idea of themselves changes, the type of behaviour they will or won’t put up with will change
This may involve letting go of certain things that no longer reflect who one is. As this happens, one will be less likely to be attracted to or attract people who are disrespectful into their life. And this can be done through the assistance of a therapist, healer or some kind of coach. Or some kind of self inquiry can assist one in this process.
For some men out there women are seen as people who need to be saved or rescued from what is taking place in their lives. And so it doesn’t matter how big or small these women’s challenges are, as this type of man is only too happy to get involved.
So this also means that unless a woman has some kind of problem, this type of man won’t be interested. The famous damsel in distress is the ideal candidate here. But they could also be experiencing some kind of mental or emotional problem, a family conflict or an unpleasant ex for instance. Whether it’s an isolated event or a regular occurrence is ultimately irrelevant.
This whole scenario is often seen in popular culture with songs and films that cover this dynamic. This could be the knight in shining armour or the prince for instance. Films where women are displayed as being incompetent or powerless also creates the need for a strong man too appear to save them from the situation they are in.
Of course women have gradually become more empowered in the world and so these images are not as common as they once were. It is now fairly normal to see a woman as being empowered and a man could then be the person who needs to be rescued.
But regardless of what is going on in the movies or what singers are singing about, both sexes can feel powerless.
So a man may see that a woman is struggling in some way and feel the need to help her. Or perhaps this is a man that gets into a relationship with a woman and soon comes to see that she is having real problems. And when this happens, a man will have to deny and neglect his own needs and wants in order to look after the woman’s needs and wants.
If this takes places during certain times it may not be too much of a problem, but if this becomes the relational pattern then it could lead to all kinds of unhealthy consequences.
The man may start to feel as though he has become a father figure and that adult to adult relating has come to an end.
Even though there are these downsides above and many others, there are also numerous benefits from being in a situation like this. It can give a man a sense of power and control over the woman. Which can result in the man feeling as though he is loved, appreciated and won’t be left.
A Step Back
However, what is clear here is that a man is putting in so much effort and doing all the work. And while a relationship can never be completely equal, as there will be times of imbalance, to be in a relationship that is always out of balance is not healthy or functional.
Women will have times when they need to be assisted and so will men; this is part of a healthy relationship. But if a man is trying to save or rescue a woman, this is not an adult to adult relationship. If one was to put chronological age to one side, this situation would be very similar to how a parent might relate to a child.
Just because someone looks like an adult it doesn’t mean that they feel like one or that they have moved on from how they felt as a child. And what took place for a man as a child will play a big role in whether they are attracted to wounded women and therefore try to rescue them or not.
On some level love is seen as something that a man will attain from a woman by completely taking care of her needs and wants. Love is then not something that includes being there for each other; it is a one way occurrence.
And in order to understand why a man would associate love to mean this, it will be important to look at childhood development. How a man is cared for by his mother in his early years will often explain why this association exists.
Ideally a mother would be empathic and emotionally available in most cases. When this happens, a child would generally get their needs and wants met. So through the mother taking care of the child in this way, it will come to see that its needs and wants are important.
When the mother is unempathic, emotionally unavailable and generally out of tune with the Childs wants and needs, this above is unlikely to happen. The child could then end up taking care of the mother’s needs and wants and see their needs and wants as being unimportant. Here, one may end up feeling guilty and ashamed for having them. One felt acceptance and approved of by doing what their mothers wanted.
So from the moment one was born, one had to work hard for attention, it wasn’t provided unconditionally and this lead to a role reversal taking place. But even though one grew from a child to an adult, they were still emotionally children.
This would have lead to a lot of emotional pain and as a child one could have felt: abandoned, rejected, ignored, powerless and hopeless. And the ego mind would have gradually associated these experiences as being familiar and therefore what is safe.
What Does this Mean?
While these early experiences were not healthy or functional, as the mind came to view them as what is safe, one will continue to recreate what happened during those early years. Although time has passed, one can become emotionally stuck at this time in their life.
From this place, women can be perceived in the same way. And how a man thinks, feels and behaves when it comes to getting their needs and wants met, can mimic these early experiences.
In order for a man to have healthy and functional relationships with women, it will be important to let go of these associations and to release the emotions that have built over the years.
And as this happens, one will no longer be attracted to or attract women that need rescuing. One will begin to know that their needs and wants are important and not something to feel ashamed of. It may take a while for a man to get back in tune with their needs and wants, after being so caught up in the needs and wants of others.
This process can be assisted through the help of a: therapist, healer or some kind of coach. And generally becoming aware and changing how one thinks and behaves can also make a massive difference. When it comes to what solutions will be needed, it can all depend on how much of a challenge this is.
Oliver JR Cooper
Teacher, Author, Transformational Writer & Consultant - With Over 2,000,000 Article Views Online.
That which is contained within these articles is based on my own empirical understanding and is true for me at the time they were written. However, as I continue to grow, what I perceive as the truth will inevitably change and as a result of this - parts of these articles may not reflect my current outlook.
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A Dialogue With The Heart - Part Two
A Dialogue With The Spirit
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