When the true self is mentioned, pain if often not too far behind. There are also many other terms that are mentioned in regards to finding the true self and two of these are: the dark night of the soul and an existential crises. Here ones goes through an experience or a number experiences that are painful, but the pain is simply a catalyst in the process. One does not get stuck there or allow this to become their identity. A bit like a holiday, where one stays away for a certain period and then after a while returns with a new outlook. So based on this, pain is natural and normal when it comes finding the true self or finding out who one really is. It is not something to be avoided or denied, but something to be embraced and transcended. This is typically mental and emotional pain. The Problem Although pain is seen as an important part of realising who one is, in the modern day world is has become something to avoid. It is not seen as a friend or an ally in ones development, but as an enemy and as a something that needs to be avoided. And so much of what makes up today’s societies is based around the avoidance of pain. There are the obvious examples and these are: alcohol, drugs or gambling for instance. These options are often marginalised and labelled as being bad. However, even though these are common examples and ones that are routinely covered by the media, there are examples of avoidance that are socially accepted and approved of. Health When one goes to the doctor and is looking for some kind of solution to deal with a mental or emotional problem, drugs can be provided. Or perhaps this mental and emotional problem has turned into a physical problem, as they often can, and again drugs may be provided. And while this is just one example, it is a big reflection of how the mainstream society views pain. It is not something that needs to be understood and taken a closer look at; it is an unnecessary inconvenience. The Self Development World The mainstream society is not the only influence that is hell bent on removing pain, there is another. When someone wants to develop themselves and improve their quality of life they often read books on self development. And this is an admirable thing to do, as one is taking personal responsibility. So not only will ones personal life improve, one is also playing their part in the grand scheme of things. Here, one is likely to come across what is known as ‘’positive thinking’’ and the need to always feel good and happy for instance. While these approaches have a time and a place, they have often become another method for avoiding pain and an escape. So no matter whether it’s the mainstream or a niche area, the same approach is being applied. This shows that these external creations are simply mirroring the human tendency to avoid pain and are not problems per se. The Ego Mind If facing pain was a part of human nature, then it is unlikely that these external ways of avoiding pain would exist. Or if they did they might be used a lot less and not relied upon as they are today. In order to understand or at least try to understand why pain is something that people generally avoid, one needs to place their attention on the ego mind. Survival is the ego’s main priority and it has many approaches to ensure this takes place. Defence mechanisms will be utilised during moments of heightened arousal and tension. Internal and external experiences that are too overwhelming will be moderated through these mechanisms. An Important Purpose These defence mechanics are vital for ones survival and are not negative or bad. The problems will appear when what was avoided during the overwhelming situation stays hidden and is not dealt with. Because while the mind can lessen the affects of these experiences through using defence mechanisms and even come to forget about the pain, the body will end up paying the price. It will gradually start to build up and when this happens, one is likely to lose their connection to their body and live in their head. This is done simply because it feels safer and is less painful than being in the body. The body can then become something that one avoids and stays out of touch with. Years Of Pain There are many reasons as to why someone would live in their head and reject their body. One may have experienced moments of extreme trauma and abuse for example. It could be the result of one having faced numerous loses and setbacks. As well as general life challenges that often create pain and suffering. What is clear is that pain is part of life and can’t be avoided. And the avoidance of pain then leads to all kinds of consequences, at local level and at a global level. What’s The Connection? The body is where ones true strength is found and not in the mind. Self control comes through being in touch with one’s body. This is an internal control, where as the ego seeks external control. Ones true needs and wants are to be found in the body. The ego desires and wants are often based on the approval and acceptance that is gained from others. However, as a result of all the pain that one has accumulated through their life, they may have rejected their body and so living in one’s head is then normal and a way of life. And if this is the case, then one will need to embrace the pain that exists in the body and release it. Through this process taking place, one will get back in touch with their body and what really matters, as opposed to getting caught up in the dramas that the ego can create. Awareness The ego is not a bad; it is simply there to keep one alive. It can only become out of control if it is not kept under a watchful eye. Getting in touch with ones true self can be extremely painful if a lot of pain has built up. And this is why realising the true self is not something that appeals to some people. Because the pain of realising the true self is often too much for people and so living on the surface of oneself can seem like a better option. But while this pain can be intense and overwhelming, it won’t last forever and a new way of being will appear. While living on the surface of oneself is often painful, the pain can be bearable and so it’s often not enough for one to do anything about it. One can be assisted through this process with the help of a: therapist, healer, coach, trusted friend or some kind of support group and through some kind of self inquiry.
0 Comments
It doesn’t take too much effort to notice that today’s media outlets have incredible influence over so many people’s lives. And that this influence can result in all kinds of consequences taking place. Now, some of these are consequences that are clear to see and are highly visible. And others are less clear and more subtle in nature. On one hand is what is happening and the stories that gain exposure. And on the other hand is what happens as a result of one being engaged in the stories that the media decides to cover. This is a process that can take weeks, months and even years to occur. One Side So one can hear about something through watching TV or a video on the internet and end up feeling shocked or disturbed by what they are seeing. In the short term this could alter ones mental and emotional position; with a heightened level of stress or anxiety developing for instance. So this appears during ones exposure and it can still be there even though one has placed their attention somewhere else. But after a while it may start to subside and one will return to their original state of being. However, this might not happen and one could end up constantly being in this place of heightened arousal. And if one was about to be attacked and their survival was at risk in some way, then this may not be a problem. But, to be in this place for prolonged periods of time is not beneficial to one’s health and wellbeing. Today’s World Due to how the media functions, the general population are constantly kept in a heightened place of arousal. And this arousal is part of our survival instincts, so it has a time and a place. But, when this becomes a common occurrence it is inevitable for one to feel a general sense of stress and tension. Some people are also going to be more vulnerable to the Medias stories than others. And this can depend on if they are carrying unprocessed trauma or not. If one can regulate their emotions or not, will also be a big factor in how they respond. The Other Side So one person could end up being completely controlled by what the media does or doesn’t show; with their emotional, mental and physical health being defined by this external influence. And it is then unlikely that this person is going to have a good experience of life. For another person, this may result in them cutting down on their exposure to the media. This is not to say they are ignorant of what is taking place in the world, but what is does mean is that they are discerning in what they let into their mind. So a kind of self monitoring is constantly going on, with one being in tune with their emotional wellbeing. Because, while one may be curious about what’s going on in the world or should I say what the media wants us to believe is going on in the world, it is not worth compromising ones health in the process. What Can Happen To be overwhelmed and completely caught up is one choice and another option is to be discerning. And to be self aware and in touch with how one feels and to respond accordingly, is the most functional. There is another route that one can take here and that is to completely shut down and become numb. This is ultimately the opposite of being overwhelmed and caught up in all of it. One could also switch between these two options depending on different factors. Apathetic One will not have used discernment and moderated what they allowed into their inner world, they will have remained engaged in what the media is selling. And as one can become addicted to the media, it is not always east to cut down on ones exposure to it; no matter how much damage it could be doing. But while the other person is in fear, this person can have no idea what is going on at an emotional level. So they have become apathetic and this is not much of a surprise. If one has allowed their attention to be consumed by so much stress and negativity and felt overwhelmed by it all - then what other choice is there. A Constant Process The Media’s main focus is not in covering events were people are happy, healthy or where justice is taking place. Its primary focus is in covering situations where people are being taken advantage of, compromised and where justice is nowhere to be found. So if one were to only see the world as having problems and being full of negativity, immorality and injustice, then a feeling of helplessness and powerlessness is surely normal. There is then too many problems in the world and one can come to believe that they have no ability to make a difference. So giving up and no longer caring about anything can feel like the only option available. Awareness And let’s face it, the less empowered people feel the easier they are to control. While there are a lot of things that are wrong in the world today, there are also a lot of things that are right. Too much exposure to the mainstream media can give one an unhealthy view of reality. And if one only sees what is wrong, then apathy is a natural consequence. As individuals, we all have a part to play in how the world is. In our own way, we are all role models and examples to others. This may be something as small as smiling at someone or in having manners; it is often the small things that make the most difference. And one only has to look back on history to see how powerful individuals can be.
There is nothing like a good victim story to get people’s attention. The media routinely covers a certain event or situation where one person or a group of people are labelled as victims. And based on what happens in these situations, it is often very difficult to disagree with the description. Sometimes these stories relate to what the average guy on the street has done and at other times, it can be about what a person of authority has done. So governmental figures, people of wealth and status and other socially elevated individuals. At a personal level, this can include: what fiends have or haven’t done; what ones lover has or hasn’t done and what ones family has or hasn’t done. And then slightly further out it can include colleagues and mangers. Meaning The meaning of a victim on google.co.uk is - 1. A person harmed, injured, or killed as a result of a crime, accident, or other event or action. 2. A person who is tricked or duped: "the victim of a hoax". And so if one has a victim mentality they must constantly feel harmed and injured. It is then not an experience that they have from time to time, but a state of mind. An Identity To feel like a victim from time to time is probably fairly normal. Things happen and one will not always get what they want or things won’t go to plan and so one may feel slightly or even extremely victimised. But this will be an experience that soon passes in most cases. And then there are other people who do not have this experience on the odd occasion, they have it on a regular bases. It has become as familiar as breathing to them. A General Outlook So although this could relate to just one area of life, it can also go on to be a factor in all areas of one’s life. Here, one could feel victimised by: society, in their relationships, where they work and even by healthcare professionals. Or one may just have one area of life where they continually feel hard done by and down trodden. And because this is how they feel on the inside, they will always be drawn to external examples of people who are in the same position. Validation This will give them a sense of validation and acknowledgment. One will be able to feel that they are not alone in their pain and struggle and that other people are going through the same thing. It may also give one a sense of relief to see other people suffering and that they are not the only one. And when certain authority figures or people in power end up being victimised, this might make one feel a sense of revenge. And that some form of pay back is taking place. This is why victim stories in the media are so popular and why they receive so much exposure; as they mirror how so many people feel in the world. Emotional Experience There is going to be two levels to this experience. One is going to feel angry and then there will be the other expressions of anger that occur. These can be: hate, revenge, resentment and rage. And these are clear signs that some kind of compromise has taken place. Through feeling this way one is able to avoid what is going on at a deeper level. Anger is often used as a form or protection and as an alert that one is being taken advantage of. Underneath the anger and its other forms will be a sense of being powerless and having no control. One may feel that they have been violated. The Observer Someone with a victim mentality may feel that this is how life is and that they have no control over what is taking place. The mind can make one believe that they are just observing these situations and that this is all happening randomly. But the real answers as to why one keeps finding themselves in these situations will be found in the body. At a deeper level this is what the ego mind has come to associate as familiar and therefore safe. And so even though this is causing one to experience endless suffering and pain, it is what the ego feels comfortable with. Causes There could have been a time in ones later life when one felt victimised, but it is usually due to what happened as a child. It is during these early moments that will often define whether one feels like a victim or not. The ideal is to have a caregiver that was empathic and emotionally available. Here ones needs and wants would generally be met. And ones emotions and feelings would be acknowledged and regulated in most cases. But in some cases this doesn’t happen and this can be due to having a caregiver that was unempathic, emotionally unavailable and out of tune. So ones needs and wants would have been ignored in most cases. And during times of emotionally unrest and unease, one would have been left to become overwhelmed by their emotions. Consequences These are general guidelines of course, but they are a rough idea of what can happen. So if one had an unempathic caregiver, there is a higher change that one will end up feeling that they have no control and are powerless. And to feel like a victim would be a natural consequence. Because if a caregiver is out of touch with their own needs and emotions it will be normal for them to ignore and deny their child’s needs and wants. The child could then end up being used to fulfil their needs and wants. On one side of the spectrum this could be fairly harmless and not lead to too many challenges, but on the other it could involve mild to extreme abuse. And if this takes place it is only natural that one will come to see themselves as a victim; because the person or people who were meant to care for them and protect them, ended up taking advantage of them. Reality The feelings and emotions that one experienced during these times of being taken advantage of, one would have been pushed them out of awareness. While one may have felt this way toward a caregiver, they still needed them to survive. So there existence had to be denied. And ones ego mind would have come to associate these experiences as being familiar and therefore safe. So even though they were painful or even traumatic, they came to be known as normal and what to expect from others. And this means that one will continually end up in situations that validate these early experiences because this is what feels comfortable at a deeper level. Awareness It would be easy to say that people with a victim mentality need to think positive or change how they think. But while this approach deals with the mind, it doesn’t deal with what’s taking place in the body. The feelings that have remained in the body since those early moments will have to be released. One needs to grieve what happened and then it will go. And as these feelings are released, ones tendency to feel like a victim will start to alleviate and as this happens ones reality will change. This can be done through the assistance of a therapist or a healer; who will allow one to get in touch with their feelings and release them.
We live in a time that is often described as the information age. And this is largely due to the internet and how this has made information so easy to access. What was only available to a certain class of people or what could only be known trough travelling to certain parts of the world for instance, can now be learnt through going to a search engine. And within seconds, one will be able to find answers to almost any question under the sun. The need to read a whole book to find something is no longer needed; as one can just type in a question and the answer will be found. So while this has clearly resulted in many benefits and to more people being able to educate themselves, there has also been some down sides to it. This is applies to the majority of things in life; as there are pros and cons to most things on this earth. Personal Growth For the individual that is curious and wants to continually grow and develop, this is a wonderful time. No matter how curious someone is or when they want to learn, the internet is available and full of enough information to quench ones thirst. The biggest challenge today when it comes to information is in knowing what to let in and what to reject. And so discernment is an incredibly important ability to have or if one feels it is something they lack then it will be important to develop it. Informed Or Transformed? So it is now very easy for one to be extremely informed about themselves. But as information is just that, information, until it is utilised very little will take place. It is often said that intellectual understanding is not the same as having an emotional understanding. One can read a book about driving, but until they get into the car and drive, they will not truly understand what it is all about. And the same applies to information. When something is understood at a deeper level, it will then be known. This shows that the body and ones emotional self has a big part to play when it comes to realising something. Needs And Wants The body is vital when it comes to understanding who one is. Whereas the mind is basically, a memory bank and can believe or disbelieve anything, the body is very different. Ones true needs and wants exist within the body. So many answers are contained within the body. The Disconnection However, in the modern day world the body is often ignored and rejected. And people then live in their heads and this means that the body’s wisdom is completely ignored. Although learning through external sources has a time and a place and can be a catalyst in ones growth, it is not meant to replace ones inner search. One can read as much as they want and from as many different sources as they can find, but unless a change takes place at an emotional level and therefore changes ones behaviour nothing will happen. Self Understanding And all the information out there, as good as it is, is still another person’s opinion. The only one that can really understand oneself - is oneself. While another person could say that one needs to do such and such, it may be wrong and inaccurate. This is something that will be achieved through one getting in touch with their body. When one looks for answers outside, they are often trying to make sense of their current life challenges. And this can relate to: why they attract certain people; are attracted to certain people; why they behave in certain way or why they feel or think as they do. The answers to these questions are typically in the body. Knowing so many things and living in the head can inhibit one from locating these answers. Balance Ideally a balance would exist between looking outside and looking inside. As both have a time and a place. If one didn’t have external guidance they may not know where to look. And yet if one only looked outside then they would be constantly looking in the wrong place. In the western world it has become normal to look outside for answers and to look within is largely unknown. But the tendency to look outside for answers is not something that just happened. Extroversion is the norm and introversion is not as common. And as the mind is very external and the body is more internal in nature, this is just another reflection of the disconnection between the body and the mind. Pain One of the reasons why someone can become cut off from their body and live in their head is due to pain. This can be pain from experiences or an experience that was traumatic. And as this trauma was not processed it stayed in the body. Therefore the body becomes a place of pain and so it then feels safer to live in the mind and to reject the body. But by doing this one loses so much of who they are. This pain needs to be embraced and released so that one can embrace their whole being. Awareness In today’s world pain is seen as something to be avoided and covered up. And yet when it comes to realising who one is and becoming a whole human being, pain has a vital part to play. If it is not dealt with one can end living on the surface of themselves and never really embrace their whole nature. This is a process that can be assisted by a therapist or a healer.
It doesn’t take much effort to notice that some people are more empowered than others. But while it may appear that empowered people have something empowered people don’t, inherently we all have the same power. The defining factor is that some people are in touch with and connected to this power and some people are not. Reasons And there are many reasons as to why someone is or is not in touch with their personal power. This can relate to: the kind of childhood one has experienced; how one responded to their childhood; the friends that one has and the people they have come across; how resilient one is and many other factors. There is also the social aspect here and how mainstream society’s often discourage ones personal power and actively foster dependence on the system. So unless one feels a sense of personal power, it is unlikely that they will achieve this through following the rules or advice of society. Set For Life For the people who feel empowered through their early experiences, the limits of society are going to be less of a problem. Because they have already realised what personal power feels like. But for others who haven’t had these early experiences, it could mean that they will go their whole life feeling disempowered. Or one could of course overcome these early experiences through their own efforts and seek out people and information to transform themselves. And this does happen and can be seen through many success stories of the world. This is often more of an exception as opposed to the rule though. Control Although one may not have a sense of personal power, it doesn’t mean that this will be visible to the outside observer. Certain adoptions can be made to cover this inner experience up. Here, one can become controlling and gain a sense of power through telling others what to do. This could be a fairly subtle on one hand, to extremely visible on the other. One may enjoy telling the people around them what to do, or at the other end of the spectrum have visions of telling the whole world what to do. And then try to rise through certain positions of power in order to make this vision a reality. No Other Choice If one feels a sense of being powerless within, then it can seem as though the control of others is the only option available. And as the world we live in has so many examples of this at a local level and further out, this is not much of a surprise. One could then come to conclusion that it’s a case of either controlling others or being controlled by others. And these are not exactly healthy or functional choices. Real Power True power has nothing to do with the control of others and everything to do with the control of oneself. But through one feeling so out of control within, it then becomes natural to want to control others as way to regulate the lack of control that one is experiencing within. Due to so much disorder going on internally, as a result of the feelings, emotions and thoughts that have built up over one’s life; it can make it extremely difficult for one to realise their true power. One can then end up being caught up in their feelings or thoughts and react to them. And how they behave will then depend on these internal aspects and not conscious decisions. Consequences When this sense of personal power hasn’t been realised it can lead to all kinds of consequences. The desire to control others is one of these consequences and one of the more common examples. Another thing that can happen is the idealisation and elevation of other people. To admire another human being and to respect their achievements is one thing. It is another to see someone else as being superior and as having something that one does not have themselves. When this takes place, one is giving their own power away and denying what they have within them. Certain societal figures can then feed on this power that is being given to them by people. This can explain how authority figures, such as those in the political arena, often have so much power; it’s because so many people have renounced their own. Illusions These are just some of the ways that one’s inner power can be projected externally and how one can end up being victimised as a result. Another challenge here is that the western world generally denies the existence of emotions. And this is a big mistake - as emotions have so much power and influence over how people perceive life and how they behave. After all, the need to control another person is ultimately the result of feeling a certain way within. Awareness The experience of having no control within is an experience that doesn’t have to define one’s life. What has built up internally will need to be released if one is to realise their true power. It is often said that life is more about letting go then it is about gaining anything. And that’s if one even believes there is anything to gain. This is likely to take time and will not be something that happens overnight. A therapist, healer or coach can aid in this process; as can some kind of self inquiry.
When it comes to what a man is going to be like or what a woman is going to be like, we all have a set of expectations. And although these can be consciously known, they are very often out of one’s conscious awareness. So while a woman may be unaware of what their expectations are of men, they can find out in another way. And the way they will typically find out is through the kind of men they attract into their lives and the kind of men they are attracted to. The general experiences that they have with men will reveal what they expect. Random Occurrences It would be natural to think that all men are the same or that one has no control over the kind of men that one comes into contact with, but these expectations have incredible power. If one expects something, it will mean that they will pull it into their lives. Because this is not simply a passive process where one is observing what is showing up. What is showing up is actually the result of what is being asked for; the challenge is that this form of communication is often going on out of one’s conscious awareness. Relationships And the kind of relationships that a woman has with men is going to be where they receive feedback about what they expect. This can relate to: family, colleagues, managers, friends and lovers for example. Each of these areas of relationships can have a big impact on a women’s life. And although they are all important and play a part in a women’s life; the most important area will often relate to the kind of lovers they attract. Higher Expectations As this is often a foundation of any women’s life and the area where they will be the most emotionally connected to a man and have the highest expectations; the rest will generally not be as important. They will still have an impact of course, but while a woman may consciously expect to be with a man that is respectful and loving for instance, they are likely to expect a lot less when it comes to a colleague, manager or a family member. And as a result of expecting less, when these other relationships are not as fulfilling, it is not going to be as influential. For if a woman has a relationship with a man that is fulfilling the relationships with men that are not fulfilling are more likely to be dismissed and not taken personally. But if a woman has not got a solid relationship with a lover or even with her father, brother or male friends, then there is not going to be as much to fall back on when they experience men in general as being unpleasant. Expectations Now, for some women their expectations of men will be fairly high and this could then lead to a woman having experiences with men that are fulfilling and rewarding. There will be other women who have fairly average expectations and their relationships may then be somewhat fulfilling and fairly rewarding. And then there will be women who have extremely low expectations of men. This means that their experiences with mean are inevitably going to be unfulfilling and without much reward. Two Levels However, as some women will know - just because they have high expectations, it doesn’t necessarily mean that the men they attract will match up. And this is the result of what is going on at a deeper level and how these two aspects can be in conflict with each other. So there is what is consciously expected and this is often going to be the ideal and what a women truly wants to experience when it comes to men. And at a deeper level there is another set of expectations and these can not only be in conflict with what is actually wanted, but they also have the biggest influence. The Ego Mind These expectations are often unknown at a conscious level, but they will be classed as familiar and therefore safe to the ego mind. And this means that they will be what one feels comfortable with and that is regardless of whether they are functional or healthy expectations, Examples There are going to be many expectations that a woman can have and some of the common ones are: · That men are abusive · That men can’t be trusted · That men are unreliable · That men are controlling · That men are unavailable in some way · That men will invalidate who one is · That men have no back bone · That one will be abandoned or rejected by men So while a woman wants to experience a man or men who are the opposite of these things; they continually end up with a man or men who mirror these examples and many others. Causes At first it might seem strange that a woman could feel comfortable with these experiences. However, the answers are often found in the kind of relationship a woman had with her father as a child and this is relationship that is not always functional. Perhaps a woman had a father that was: abusive and controlling in some way; didn’t keep to promises that were made or keep certain secrets; was rarely available either physically or emotionally and denied ones reality as a child. And even though these experiences were not healthy or functional, they were what become familiar and the ego mind started to feel safe with them. Reality So the kind of men that one attracts and is attracted to now and the kind of experiences they have, mirror these early occurrences. And to experience men in any other way could feel uncomfortable and that something is not right. And this could lead to a woman sabotaging anything that goes against these early moments. Awareness What happened as a child may have happened many years ago, but its effects can saturate one’s present life. And this is because the mind and body haven’t moved on. The minds associations will have to be changed and the emotions and feelings that had to be pushed out of one’s awareness will need to be released. And as this takes place ones experiences of men will begin to change. This can be done through the assistance of a therapist, healer or coach. If one feels that they don’t need assistance, then some kind of self study and application might be enough. It will all depend on how much of a challenge this is.
Questions such as: what does it take to keep a woman happy and what does it take to please a man, have been around for many years. And sometimes people come up with answers and sometimes people give up trying to find answers. The great psychoanalyst Sigmund Freud even pondered this question when he said - ‘’The great question that has never been answered, and which I have not yet been able to answer, despite my thirty years of research into the feminine soul, is 'What does a woman want?'’ And as this statement came from someone who knew so much about human nature, it resulted in further confusion and mystery being created. But while the questions above are often asked by people, there are many other questions that people can have in regards to the opposite sex. Mainstream Influences One example that comes to mind is the film ‘’what women want’’ starring Mel Gibson and Helen Hunt. Magazines, newspapers and books also shed light on these questions and each source will often have different answers. The popular book ‘’Men and from mars, women are from Venus’’ by John Gray is perfectly titled for today’s world. It provides a sense of validation for someone who is experiencing confusion in this area of life. And then there are advertisements that also play on this dilemma. A Reflection Now, whether someone believes in what these sources have to say is unimportant. As it is unlikely that everyone is going to feel acknowledged and that their reality is being validated by them. There exposure and popularity is due to the fact that they are reflecting what is going on for a lot of people. If the interest wasn’t there, then the above creations would not exist or if they did, they wouldn’t be as well known. Other Questions Although a man may think about what a woman wants and a woman can wonder how it is possible to keep a man happy, these are fairly general questions and ones that have received a lot of exposure in the mainstream. However, when it comes to the challenges that each gender has, they are likely to be a lot more specific. Men will have things that seem to continually cause conflict and frustration and so will women. Patterns There is inevitably going to be patterns that are experienced between the sexes. But as all men and women are not the same, these can ultimately relate to either gander. The challenges for a man can be women who are: too emotional, overly needy, distant or aloof for example. And for a woman, this can relate to men who are: emotionally dead, unavailable, controlling and needy, amongst other things. The Search For Answers Based on these patterns that a man or a woman notices in the opposite gender, it would then be natural to want to understand why they act in these ways. Here, one can talk to their friends or to seek out the sources that were mentioned above. Through doing this one may come to conclude that that’s just what men/women are like and that they can’t be understand. And this wouldn’t be much of a surprise, especially as there are so many voices out there that support and validate the perspective each gender is a mystery. The Mind So the mind is doing all it can to make sense of the experiences that one is having with the opposite sex. The mind will come up with all kinds of reasons through observing what is taking place and then interpreting what it observes. Past experiences, a combination of past experiences and intellectual knowledge will often define how something is interpreted. And these reasons can then be seen as the truth. One can then come to conclude that the opposite sex is indeed a mystery. However, while the mind simply observes what is taking place and therefore sees everything as being external and separate; this does not the complete truth. The Mirror Whether it relates to a man’s or a woman’s challenges with the opposite sex, one is being given feedback of what is going on at a deeper level. The other person is simply mirroring back what they have not faced within themselves. And this is why it is more a case of one understanding who they are, than it is in understanding the opposite sex. But due to the minds ways of seeing everything as external, ones inner conflict is often recognised in another person long before one recognises it in themselves. And that is if one even realises that it’s coming from within. Consequences The challenges that one comes up against in the opposite sex are a great way to see what is out of balance within. And although these have been put into two distinctive categories, they can relate to both sexes. Men So a man may attract women who are too emotional and this may be a sign that they have become estranged from their own emotions. So while the woman has no control due to being unable to regulate their emotions, a man just denies that they exist and becomes numb as a way of dealing with their emotions. Or perhaps they are attracting women who are needy and this could be due to them being out of touch and denying with their own needs. They may have taken on the identity of being needless and completely independent. Women And for a woman who attracts men who are controlling or abusive it could be that they are not in touch with their own strength. By having these inner doubts, they keep attracting men who come across as the opposite of how they feel on the inside. If they keep attracting men who are unavailable, it could reflect their own deep seated fear of intimacy. Because even though they consciously want to experience intimacy, at a deeper level it could make them feel smothered or overwhelmed. It Is Safe But even though one may be fed up of attracting people who are like this, to the mind, it is what is familiar and therefore what is safe. So unless these associations are changed, the same types of people will show up in one’s life. Awareness In order for one to attract someone who is easier to understand, one will need to let go of what is causing conflict within. This can include: the minds ideas, thoughts and beliefs; the body’s emotions, feelings and sensations and at the bottom of it all will be the ego minds associations of what is familiar and therefore safe. This can be done through the assistance of a therapist, healer or some kind of coach. It could also take place through reading about this area and applying what has been learn; there are endless options out there.
When it comes to the modern day descriptions of men, there are two that are often mentioned. One is the bad boy and the other is the nice guy. And while on paper and in person these men can come across as being radically different, in many ways, they are simply two sides of the same coin. This is because these ways of behaving are adoptions and are not an authentic expression of who someone is. So a man will act in these ways in the hope that their needs and wants will be fulfilled. Socially Acceptable Although being a nice guy rarely leads to a man getting his needs and wants met; this if often a role that is praised in today’s world. To be nice to others is seen as a sign of being a good human being and as doing the right thing. So while one may be fed up of not getting what they need or want, they can be appeased as a result of looking good in the eyes of others. Examples Nice guy behaviour can be seen in all kinds of relationships and not just in sexual or intimate relationships with women. This will be man that is only too happy to help others and to be there for them. And no matter how big or small the need is or when or where it is; this is man that is likely to be available. Saying yes is going to be something that this man is extremely familiar with. They may say no from time to time, but saying yes is what will feel most comfortable. As long as other people are happy and pleased with what happens, then one is on the right path. Relationships So when it comes to relationships with women or friends for example, there is inevitably going to be a lot of compromise. The other person in the relationship may well feel content and that they are getting what they want and need, but one is going to feel ignored and that their needs and wants are unimportant. The other person could be speaking their truth and expressing what it is they want and need. However, the nice guy is not doing this, what they are doing is making sure everyone else is doing fine And while the people that they come into contact with may be different, the results will be the same. Compromise will be like an island that they can never leave. Emotional Build Up On the surface a nice guy can appear to be only too happy to be there for others and to forget about what matters to them. And if a nice guy didn’t have needs or wants themselves, then this happiness would be a true reflection of what is truly going on. But they do have needs and wants and this means that certain emotions are going to accumulate. Frustration and anger are likely to be familiar emotions and these can then develop into other emotions, such as: resentment, hate and even rage. This could lead to the guy nice guy having emotional outbreaks and being unpredictable from time to time. What’s The Benefit? So even though the nice guy is gaining the approval and acceptance of others and as a result of this, may get what they what in the rare moments; they are not listening to themselves. They are experts at fulfilling the needs and wants of others, and yet when it comes to their own needs and wants they are completely out of touch. In the short term they gain something for others, but in the long run this gain is being outweighed by pain. The Appearance Physically they may look like a man and yet emotionally this is unlikely to be true. The man is likely to be regressing to an earlier stage in their life. This is a stage where approval and acceptance were vital. And during this time, ones needs and wants may have felt like a burden and as something that one felt ashamed of and guilty for having. When this happens it won’t matter how old a man is or how physically strong they may be; their emotional self is taking over and causing them to feel like they did as a child. Childhood And if they feel this way as an adult through regressing, it is unlikely that they felt too comfortable with their needs and wants as a child. One could have been brought up by a caregiver that was emotionally unavailable and out of tune with themselves. So due to their caregivers lack of emotional development and awareness, one had to take care of their caregiver’s needs and wants and to deny their own needs and wants in most cases. Needs and wants would then be something to feel ashamed of and one could feel guilty for having them. This is often classed as a role reversal; where the child becomes the parent and the parent becomes the child. Associations And through one experiencing this over and over again it become familiar and therefore safe to the ego mind. So whenever a man thinks about or behaves in a way that goes against these early experiences, it will retrigger these early experiences. And this could be feelings of: rejection, abandonment, shame, guilt and fear for instance. Awareness These associations will need to be changed and emotions that remained trapped since those early years will also need to be released. And as this takes place, one will start to feel comfortable with having needs and wants. It will then be possible find a healthy balance between being there for others and being there for oneself. This is a process that can be assisted through a therapist, healer or some kind of coach. Or through one doing some kind of self inquiry and letting go of the past.
On one side is the ability to give and on the other is the ability to receive. And it is often said that unless one can receive, then it won’t be possible for them to give. So the ability to receive is generally considered to be the most important aspect. This makes me think about how breathing works. One breathes air in and then breaths it out, but unless one could breathe air in (receive), then they wouldn’t have anything to breath out (give). And then one wouldn’t last very long as a result of this. So this example shows how important it is to receive. But even though receiving is incredibly important, it doesn’t mean that this always takes place for someone. What some people can relate to is the experience of always giving and rarely, if ever, receiving. Areas Of Life This can affect every part of one’s life, from the insignificant areas to the areas that are incredibly significant. It may include trivial moments such as: when one shares their drink or holds the door open for another and yet doesn’t receive these offerings from other people. But, the biggest challenges are likely to be when it comes to ones: relationships, finances, career, time and mental, emotional and physical energy. These will be where the biggest problems are created. Patterns For some people, getting their needs met in relationships could be a problem and they are always giving, in one way or another, to their: friends, colleagues, family or partner. And yet, when it comes to their own needs and wants, they generally have to go without. Or it may be known through one always paying out money, but not receiving enough money to buy what they need or want. One could be someone who is always there to help other people and when it comes to being helped themselves, no one is ever available. Needs And Wants So there is likely to be patterns involved and one will be used to not getting their needs and wants met in certain areas of life. To feel angry and frustrated would be normal, as will the feeling that one has no control as to whether their needs and wants will be met or not. While some people can question this and wonder why it is taking place, for others, this can be seen as normal and how life is. One may even come to conclude that giving is the right thing to do and that it wouldn’t be right to receive or expect anything from others. Consequences The term ‘running on empty’ is what comes to mind here. While one may not experience the same consequences as they would if they were unable to breath, they can still be severe. One’s life is going to be out of balance and this can lead to a whole myriad of challenges. Mental, emotional and psychological exhaustion can ensure and financial problems can occur. Having enough time to do what matters for oneself can also be a challenge; as ones time may be used to take care of other people needs and wants. The Mind All kinds of reasons will be created by the mind, as to why this is taking place. As a result of observing reality, the mind interprets what it sees and this is how meaning is formed. And this meaning can come about through: past experiences or a combination of past experiences. So what one has experienced, heard from others or read about, will then be utilised here. The mind will form all kinds of stories and these stories will often be seen as the truth. One can feel like a victim and that the external world is defining what is taking place for example. The Body However, the real answers are not in the mind, they are in the body. And the reason one is not receiving is because this is what is familiar and therefore what feels safe. Intellectually this might sound irrational and appear to make no sense whatsoever. This association is often formed during ones childhood years and through many years passing, one can lose all awareness of these experiences. But whether one consciously remembers or not is irrelevant, as these associations can still define one’s life. Childhood Years How someone’s primary caregiver responded to ones needs and wants as a child will make a massive impact here. If this was a caregiver that was attuned and emotionally aware in most cases, the child would generally have had their needs and wants met. And this would typically be done in a way that respected the Childs personal space and didn’t lead to them being overwhelmed, smothered or controlled. However, if this was a caregiver that was out of tune and emotionally unaware in most cases, the child would generally have had their needs and wants ignored and it could have lead to them being used to fulfil their caregiver’s needs. So the Childs personal space is unlikely to be noticed or respected. Here, the child would have felt overwhelmed, smothered and controlled by the caregiver. As their main priority was the fulfilment of their own needs and not the Childs needs Protection Through these early experiences taking place, the child learns that it is not safe to receive. To receive means that one will be end up being: controlled, overwhelmed, smothered and lose themselves for instance. So by not receiving, it will be possible for one to feel safe. The trouble here is that by not receiving, one is out of balance and setting themselves up for all kinds of problems. So while this association may have kept one safe as a child, as an adult, it can only lead to pain and suffering. And as these associations exist, it can cause one to re create the same experiences. Awareness Whatever has been associated as familiar and therefore safe, is what the ego mind will see as the truth. To the mind, the truth is what is familiar and not necessarily what is functional or healthy. So in order for one to receive, it will mean that these associations will need to be changed and there could be emotions that also need to be released. This can be done through the assistance of a therapist, healer or a coach.
As men are often physically stronger than women, it often makes it hard to comprehend that they could be fearful of women. This is something that can sound illogical and abnormal. When some people hear this, it can sound like some kind of joke.
But while this may sound illogical and even laughable, for men who have this fear, it is a very real experience and not a laughing matter. The idea that comes to mind of a man that fears women, could be one that looks weak or feeble for example. And yet, this can relate to a man that is also psychically well developed. Appearances are irrelevant here and they do not define whether a man will fear women or not. Challenges There are then going to be numerous challenges that will appear in one’s life due to having this fear. The primary one is probably going to relate to the area of intimacy and in attracting the kind of woman or women that one wants. However, this can also lead to difficulties in ones career and when it comes to connecting to colleagues and mangers that are female. The desire to have friends who are female may be there, but this may not be possible through having this fear. Behaviour Although this can be known through numerous styles of behaviour, there is likely to be certain patterns that one will experience. And no matter what these are, the consequences are going to be the same: a man’s needs and wants will be denied. So these could relate to behaviours that are extreme to behaviours that are more subtle in nature. And some of these are: a man could avoid women during certain situations or try to avoid them altogether; act: submissive, shy, and overly polite or go quiet around them. The Body While behaviour is one way that this fear shows itself, what is going in the body is what usually precedes the behaviour. This can be a combination of: feelings, emotions and sensations. For a man that fears women, it is going to be fairly certain that anxiety is something they are all too familiar with. During an experience with a woman, ones whole body could be consumed with a myriad of emotions and feelings; along with different sensations that appear and lead to tightness and unease in different parts of the body. Reasons There are common reasons as to why a man would fear women and these are often taken from evolutionary psychology or some area of science. Here, it is often said that this fear is hard wired and part of a man’s nature for instance. Or they may be some kind of historical explanation. And although this may sound right and even legitimate, especially if it’s come from the world of science, it rarely leads to solutions. So some kind of validation is attained, but not much else. The Story Maker When it comes to understanding why things happen and what causes them, the mind sees itself as the expert. And whatever the mind comes up with is usually what is labelled as the truth, when it comes to what causes things to happen. The mind does this through interpreting what is sees and these interpretations are created through the mind drawing on what is knows. This can be a combination of past experiences, intellectual knowledge and assumptions for instance. But while the mind is the observer of life and forms answers through interpretation, the body is what experiences life in real time and contains the real answers as to why something happens. The Rejection As feelings can often be painful and overwhelming, it can lead to one rejecting their body and living in their head. And then one can come to see the head as having the answers and not the body. These can be painful feelings that were formed in the very beginning of ones life. However, though living in one’s head and ignoring the body, the real answers become ignored and overlooked. So the kind of history that had and the real origins of these feelings then becomes a mystery. Causes One of the biggest factors in defining whether a man will feel comfortable or uncomfortable with women will depend on what their early relationship was like with their mother. How they responded to a man’s needs, wants and desires as a child will be incredibly important. And this will largely be a result of what her emotional state was like. If she was empathic and emotionally available, these needs would generally be met and the mother would be stable in most cases. But if the mother was emotionally unavailable and unempathic, then these needs, wants and desires would generally go unmet. And this also means that the mother could be unstable. If this is the case, the mother may have had moments of being mildly to extremely emotionally, verbally or physically abusive. Consequences So in the case of the mother that was emotionally unstable, it would have lead to all kinds of unpleasant emotions being created. In some cases, this kind of mother would be labelled as having a borderline personality. For if one had a mother like this, then to feel fear would be normal. What was going to happen next would be unknown and therefore anxiety would also be normal. While one may have felt: fear, anxiety, rejection, panic and that it was unsafe amongst other emotions. If the mother was emotionally unaware, then these emotions would have had to have been pushed out of one’s awareness as a child. This would have been essential when it came to their survival. As although this mother was unstable and even intimidating, she was also imperative to ones existence. The Forgotten Past Years can then go by and one will have gone form a child to a man. But while one has physically changed, it doesn’t mean that one has emotionally changed. Due to these feelings being pushed down during those early moments, they then became trapped and frozen in the body. This means that they will want to come out and be released. The body wants to release them, but the mind can get in the way of this process and will use all kinds of defence mechanisms. So whenever one comes across a woman, these repressed feelings and emotions will appear once more. As other women are simply triggering what exists within. Awareness To hear that a man is fearful of women can sound illogical, but if a man had an early upbringing like this, then it is completely logical. It is more a case of how else could they feel around women. These feelings and emotions that have built up will need to be released. And this can be done through a healer or a therapist that will allow one to face and release their emotional history.
|
Oliver JR CooperAuthor of 26 books, Transformational Writer, Teacher & Consultant. Introductory Consultation
To book your 15-Minute Introductory Consultation, click here.
Disclaimer
That which is contained within these articles is based on my own empirical understanding and is true for me at the time they were written. However, as I continue to grow, what I perceive as the truth will inevitably change and as a result of this - parts of these articles may not reflect my current outlook.
My Books...
|