Even though someone can have the need to achieve something in their life, it doesn’t mean they are able to achieve it. And while this may be a sign that their expectations are too high, this might not be the case.
As a result of this, they are likely to be in a position where they are used to feeling frustrated, and they may even have become accustomed to feeling hopeless. If they were to talk to someone about what is taking place, they may end up being asked about what is taking place in their mind.
If this doesn’t happen, they may end up being told that they are simply ‘unlucky’, and that the reason they are not moving forward is because it’s not meant to be. In this case, they are not going to be seen as playing a part in what is happening.
While receiving this kind of feedback may allow them to feel better for a short while, it is not going to empower them. what is it is likely to show is that the person they are talking to is unaware of how they are impacting their own life, and if one allows the other persons outlook to become their outlook, their life is unlikely to change.
When one is encouraged to look within and to see what part they are playing in what is taking place, they may start to understand why they have stayed in the same position for so long. Here, they may start to look at what they believe when it comes to achieving something.
During this time, they may come to see that they need to change their beliefs, and that the beliefs they had were holding them back. However, there is also the chance that they have looked at their beliefs before and therefore, the advice they are receiving is nothing new.
Rise and fall
And while they may have stayed in the same place, they may have had moments in their life where they were able to move forward. But it was only a matter of time before they ended up where they started.
It could then be said that external forces are at work, or that they are sabotaging their own life. This would then be a sign that they are experiencing inner conflict, and if they are not aware of this conflict, it is likely to mean that they need to take a deeper look within themselves
When one has inner conflict it is going to mean that part of them wants something and another part of them doesn’t. The challenge is that this inner conflict if often outside of one’s awareness and this can set them up to victimise themselves.
As a result of this, it can be normal to look outside for reasons as to why something isn’t happening. Getting in touch with what is taking place a deeper level will then be the next stage when it comes to understanding why there life is the way it is.
On one side, this is what is sabotaging their life, but on another, there will be a reason why they are sabotaging their life. Therefore, even though they want to move forward, they are getting something out of staying stuck.
At a conscious level, they may say that there is no benefit to them staying as they are. However, if they take the time to reflect on what would happen if they were to not only move forward but to maintain the level of success that they achieve, they may begin to find out.
One Point in Time
At one point in their life, there could have been a time where they were approved of for playing a certain role. Behaving in a certain way would then have allowed them to feel loved, and this may have been during their childhood years.
Or of this wasn’t the case and there was no pressure on them to play a certain role, they may have decided to play a role in order to feel close to someone else. This is not to say they consciously chose to play this role; as it would have been something that happened as a consequence of their need to feel loved.
The years will have passed but all the time one feels the need to play the same role in order to be loved, it is not going to be possible for them to move forward. Part of them wants to remain loyal to someone (or a number of people from their past), and while this person may still be alive, they may have passed on.
So although they no longer need to remain loyal, it doesn’t mean they are able to just’ let go’. Because of when these loyalties were formed, it would have been a time where being loved was a matter of life or death.
One may have grown up in an environment where their caregivers had very little, if any, money. And as way to remain loyal to them, they stop themselves from being able to support themselves financially.
They may have had caregivers who didn’t have a healthy relationship, and as way to stay loyal to them, they stop themselves from having a healthy intimate relationship. If they were close to one of their caregivers in particular and they suffered, their need to sabotage this area of their life may be even greater
One of their caregivers may have some kind of illness and in order to stay loyal, they may struggle to experience good health. It could also cause them to develop the same symptoms as one of their caregivers.
These are just a few examples of what can take place, and there are many other ways for one to remain loyal to their caregivers. As one becomes aware of what is taking place within them, it will allow them to work through their inner blocks.
This can take place with the assistance of a therapist and/or a support group. During this time, one may need to mourn unmet childhood needs, among others things.
If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article.
Oliver JR Cooper
If one was to come across as happy, they are likely to be accepted by the people around them. However, if they were to come across as aggressive, they may not receive the same level of approval.
Now, this is not to say that this is black and white as it can all depend on the context, but what it does show is that not all emotions are seen in the same light. When one comes across someone who is happy, they are likely to come to the conclusion that they are safe to be around.
Yet, if they come across someone who is aggressive, there is a strong chance that they will see them as dangerous. As a result of this, they may want to keep their distance or to avoid them completely.
Based on what happens when someone comes across as aggressive, it is clear to see how powerful this emotion is. And because of this, it would be easy to say that this emotion has no purpose in today’s world.
The best option is then to keep it hidden or to try and remove it; this will then put an end to aggressive behaviour. And as men are often seen as the ones who are aggressive, they can also end up being seen in a negative way.
Yet, as there is less pressure on women to act in a certain way, there is about as much chance of seeing a woman display aggressive behaviour as there is a man. This kind of behaviour often goes unnoticed due to how each gender has been portrayed for so long.
Nowadays, it is not uncommon to see men who are peaceful and women who are out of control. What this shows is that aggression is part of the human experience and not something that is only experienced by one gender.
Part of Being Human
While aggression can be used by a man to cause harm, it is can be used to move them forward and to allow them to lead the life they want to lead. What this comes down to is that this is a force, and force that can be used for ‘good’ or for ‘bad’.
Part of what will define whether it is used in a way that has positive or negative effect on one’s life will depend on how they respond to this force. If they were to deny this force, it will only set them up to experience problems.
This wouldn’t be the case if they could just disconnect from it; but this is not something that can take place. And although a man can still have a physical back bone, he can come across as though he lacks back bone in the other sense.
It can then be normal for him to lack drive and to come across as passive. Without this connection, there is likely to be a greater need to please others, and this means that he may not even be aware of his own needs.
As there is likely to be a greater focus on what is taking place externally as opposed to what is taking place internally, this may mean that being walked over is a way of life. This may take place not only when he is with other men, but it may also take place in his relationships with the opposite sex.
These experiences may mean that he has moments where he explodes with anger and the people around him may wonder why he acted in such a way. To them it is likely to be seen as ‘out of character’, but it is the result of continually being taken advantage off.
And shortly after he has allowed himself to express what has gradually built-up within him, there is a good chance that he will end up feeling guilty. Once he has settled down, he may start to act in ways that will gain the approval of others.
This then allows him to regulate the guilt and the shame within him and to experience a sense of calm. However, unless he starts to stand up for himself, it won’t be long until the same experience happens all over again.
There is also the chance that a man won’t have moments where he ‘explodes’, and he may end up keeping his true feelings locked up. In this case, he doesn’t end up harming others; he ends up harming himself.
This could take on the form on negative self-talk, self-sabotaging behaviour and even depression. The aggression within him can’t be used in a constructive manner, so it ends up causing one to self-destruct.
What takes place externally can be seen as something that has nothing to do with what is taking place internally or it can be seen as reflection. If a man has rejected his aggressive nature this can set him up to attract people who have gone to the other extreme.
On one side, this is may cause them to believe that they have made the right decision, and on the other, this can mean that it is normal for them to feel intimidated by others. Yet, it is not so much that they fear of the other people’s aggression; it is more a case of them being fearful of what may be triggered within them through being in their presence.
If a man is controlled by his aggression it will cause problems, but at the same time, it will also cause problems if he disconnects from it. The other approach is for him to integrate this side of himself.
When this happens, there is no need for him to deny it or to express it in a destructive manner and this is because he will be able to contain his aggression. Through taking this approach, his aggression may start to settle down, and this is partly due to the fact that he won’t be used to being walked over and so it won’t need to build-up.
A Closer Look
If a man is unable to contain his aggression, it is likely to come down to how his caregivers responded to this side of him during his early years. On one side, he would have needed his caregivers to offer guidance, and on the other, it would have been important for them to deal with their aggression in healthy ways.
When he displayed his aggression and looked towards his caregivers to offer guidance, he may have been disciplined, abused and/or neglected. As a result of this, it was not possible for him to develop the emotional strength to contain his aggression.
This has then set him up to be in a position where he has no control over his aggression, and he then has no choice other than to reject it or to express it. And not only that, he may also be carrying an emotional built-up from those years and this will add to what has built-up throughout his adult life.
It will be important for him to develop his emotional strength and this can happen through releasing the emotional build-up within him, and as this takes place, his aggression can be used as guidance and as a force to drive him forward.
This is a process that can take place with the assistance of a therapist and/or a support group. They will also be able to provide the support that they need in order to develop a healthy relationship with their aggression.
If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article, as many others have.
Oliver JR Cooper
While there are some people who are able to identify with something larger than themselves, there are others who are unable to do so. When this is possible for someone, they are likely to feel connected, whereas, if this isn’t possible, they might feel disconnected.
This might be a connection that one experience’s through being part of a certain religion or this might take place through another way. In this case, the approach that they use to feel connected is different but it could be said that the result is the same.
However, if this isn’t possible for someone, it might not matter what options are available, and this could be because they don’t want to experience life differently. There is also the chance that they do want to feel connected, but find it hard to let go.
When someone feels connected to something greater than themselves, they are likely to be able to trust and to let go. This is going to come down to the fact that they won’t see themselves as being separate from life.
Through being part of life as opposed to separate from it, they may believe that they don’t have to do everything by themselves. Life is then not something they have to control; it is something they can work with.
As a result of this, they may feel a sense of support and this may make it easier for them to achieve what they want to achieve. And while they will still need to take action, it might be easier for them to move forward.
They won’t need to know everything and this means they will be able to give their mind a rest. The information they need will not only come through their own efforts; it will also come from another source.
This may cause someone to feel a greater connection to not only their fellow human beings; it might also extend to animals and to the rest of nature, for instance. And while the connection they have to other human beings will be important, it will be counterbalanced by the connection they have to something greater than all that they see and experience on this earth.
If they are by themselves or if a relationship has come to an end, they may find it easier to handle these moments. The connection they have may stop them from feeling that they are alone.
The part of them that sees themselves as separate and as though they are the centre of the universe is then balanced out by the understanding they have that this is not actually true. They are then going to see that they are an important part of the universe; without being more or less important than anyone or anything else.
This outlook may allow them to feel a sense of personal power and a greater ability to handle life’s ups and downs. The people around them may know that they have this connection or it might be something that they keep to themselves.
From The Beginning
When someone has a connection to a higher power, it may be how they have experienced life since as long as they can remember. Having said that, it might be something they have developed in their later years, and this would be a sign that they were cut off.
In order for someone to feel connected to a higher power, they need to have the ability to let go, and this takes a certain level of trust. It is also likely to be important for them to have a fairly healthy relationship with authority figures.
Regardless of how one sees their higher power, they will be letting go and putting their trust into something or someone who has authority. When it is possible for them to do this with a higher power, there is a strong chance they have had other experiences where their trust has been rewarded.
These other experiences would have taught them that it is safe enough for them to let go and that they won’t be harmed through doing so. Therefore, authority is not necessarily something that is out to control them, and this means they don’t need to defend themselves against it.
From the moment someone is born, they are surrounded by authority figures, and the main ones are usually their caregivers. How their caregivers exercised their power can have big impact on the outlook one has of people in authority.
If their caregivers used their power in ways that allowed them to be themselves as opposed to being controlled or abused, it will be easier for them to trust and to let go. But if their caregivers used their power in the wrong way, it can set them up to rebel against authority.
The early relationship they had with their caregivers can then end up being projected onto a higher power, and this means it won’t be possible for them to embrace something greater than themselves. If they were to do so, it would trigger all the pain that they experienced during the beginning of their life.
The associations that were created will need to be questioned and this will allow them to see why they are disconnected from a higher power. This may involve changing beliefs and mourning unmet childhood needs.
While one may be able to undertake this process by themselves, they may need external assistance.
If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article, as many others have.
Oliver JR Cooper
Modern day technology has not only had an impact on how relationships begin, it has also had an impact on how they end. In the past, one would have met someone in person and then it would have been possible for them to develop a relationship or something more casual.
Nowadays, the first step can take place over a screen, and after speaking to them for while, they can meet them in person. When one meets someone in person, they will have the chance to see how they feel around them, but when it comes to speaking to someone over a screen, this option is not going to exist.
On one side, talking to someone over a screen can allow one to find out more about them. As a result of this, one can take their time to see if the other person is compatible as opposed to rushing into anything and wasting their time.
And on the other side, they may find that even though everything was going well over a screen, this wasn’t the case when they got together. Therefore, just because the boxes were being ticked, so to speak, they were not an energetic match.
However, there is the chance that this can be avoided if they were to have at least one phone conversation before they decide to meet. While speaking to someone over the phone is not as good as speaking to them in person, it will give them a better idea than they would get over a screen.
The information they pick up through having this conversation will add another element to what they already know. At the same time, if one enjoys speaking to the other person on the phone, it doesn’t mean that this is a reflection of things to come.
What this shows is that there are no guarantees, and that the best way for one to know if they have a connection with someone is to meet them. If one was to speak to someone for a long time and develop a positive idea of them, they are going to come crashing down if, upon meeting them, the other person doesn’t match up with the idea in their head and the feelings they have generated in their body.
This is similar to how one can meet someone in person and after meeting them a few times, they can also develop a positive impression of the other person. But then as time passes, they can also find out that the idea in their head doesn’t match up with who the person really is.
Inner and the Outer
On one hand, there is what is taking place within someone, and on the other, there is what they are doing in the outside world. It has been said that unless one is in the ‘right place’ internally, it own matter what they do externally.
Therefore, it might not matter what method they use to meet people, as what shows up externally will then be a reflection of what is taking place internally. Meeting the right person is then just about taking the right actions; it is also about being in the ’right place’ within.
If one has got to the point where they no longer want to be in a relationship with someone or the want the arrangement they had to come to an end, it is not necessary for them to talk the other person on the phone, let alone in person. The only thing they need to do is to go silent on the other person.
In today’s world, this is known as ‘ghosting’, and this means that one doesn’t need to do anything. They will hope that through cutting the other person off, they will soon get the message.
The First Date
However, going silent doesn’t just take place in these situations; it can also occur after one has been on a date with someone. And while this could be a sign that the interaction didn’t go well, this might not be the case.
One can then wonder what happened and instead of being able to move on, their mind is caught up on the other person. It may cross their mind that although the other might not be interested, it might be due to something else.
If one goes silent on someone they were with for a certain period of time, it is likely to be more confusing than if they had only been on one date. Yet, regardless of how long they had known each other for, letting the other person know is just part of having basic manners.
And as the other person doesn’t know what is going on, it could make it harder for them to move on and to bring closure to the relationship/interaction. All the time they don’t hear, they can imagine getting back with the other person or going on another date with them, and this may cause them to experience more pain.
In this case, letting someone know where they stand is simply part of having empathy. This may mean that sending a basic text is enough; however, this can all depend on how close they were to the other person.
If one goes silent on someone else, there is a strong chance that they will do the same thing to someone else; they can not only develop a negative outlook of the human race, they can also cause further harm. Therefore, letting another person know can not only have positive impact on them, it can also have a positive impact on others.
When someone does go silent, it can make someone feel disrespected and incredible angry. It is something that is common in today’s world and this is partly because of how easy it is for someone to do this.
As so much of what people say to each other is said over a screen, it makes it easier for someone to see the other person as an object as opposed to another human being. They are then not see as someone who has feelings and needs, they are seen someone who is either useful or has no use whosoever.
In the past, there was more face-to-face interaction and this meant it was a lot harder to go silent. Nowadays, one might not even need to see the other person again and this makes it easier to cut them off.
There is no need for someone to get in touch with how they feel, and they can even justify their behaviour. They may say that this is what their friends do, or this is just what happens now.
Even though something might be seen as ‘normal’, it doesn’t mean it is the right thing to do. Through taking the time to let the other person know where they stand, it will make it a lot easier for the other person to move on and for them to treat others with the same level of respect.
If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article, as many others have.
Oliver JR Cooper
If one has a question about an inner or an outer challenge, there is a strong chance that they will soon be able to find an answer. This is something that can take place without them having to move too far, and this is because they only need to go online.
Through using the internet on their computer or some kind of device, they can type a question into a search engine and see what appears. During this time, they may come across articles, books, audio material and even videos.
After reading an article or watching a video, they may soon find what they are looking for; however, this can all depend on what their requirements are. Once they have had one questioned answered, they may end up with another.
In this case, it might not be enough for them to carry on with the same approach, and they may end up buying a book or even attending some kind of course.
In The Past
Before the internet was available, it wouldn’t have been as easy for one to have their questions answered. The answers were not at their finger tips like they are today, and not only that, they might not have felt comfortable asking the same questions.
As a result of this, there was more chance of their questions remaining unanswered, and this would have meant that there was a greater chance of them suffering in silence. A big part of this may have been their need to maintain a certain image in the eyes of others.
Now that one has the opportunity to have their questions answered without having to talk to anyone in person, they no longer need to compromise the image they present to others, and this means that they no longer need to suffer in silence.
This is not to say that one should feel ashamed for having problems and asking for help; as human beings are not meant to be perfect. But through being able to ask questions in this way, it allows one to protect their privacy.
What the challenge is can define whether one feels the need to keep a challenge to themselves. This doesn’t mean that they won’t share it with others as time passes, but in the beginning they may just decide to see what answers they can find on a search engine.
Alternatively, this might just be the first step they take before they share what is taking place with the people around them, for instance. Either way, it has given one greater control when it comes to what happens when they are looking for answers.
One might be in a position where they need answers for a certain area of their life or they may be in a position where they have questions for just about every area of their life. If they are looking for answers in one area of their life, they may be able to carry on with the rest of their life, whereas, if they need answers for just about every area of their life, their search for answers could consume their whole life.
However, this can all depend on what area of their life they need assistance with; as one area could end up affecting other areas. And while having challenges is part of being human, there are going to be others who have experienced incredible challenges for as long as they can remember.
When one’s life is not going as they want it to go, they are going to experience pain, and this can then set them up to look for answers. Their behaviour is not just being driven by their need to change how they feel; it is also being influenced by their need to live a better life.
If it was simply about changing how they feel, they wouldnt need to look for answers; the only thing they would need to do is to find a way to numb their pain. They might end up feeling better, but their life is unlikely to improve in the long-term.
When one is looking for answers, they may be coming from a place of desperation, and this is why they will need to get the right support. During the early stages, they might end up being dependent on what someone else has to say.
If this only lasts for a short period of time it might not be a problem, but if this was to become a way of life it will start to create problems. For one thing, it will stop them from being able to think for themselves and to come to their own conclusions.
They may find it hard to trust themselves and this is because they will believe that other people always know what is best. And while it is important to be open to input from others, this doesn’t mean that one should place others people’s views above their own.
Therefore, one will need to take the time to think about what they are learning and to develop their own views. Through doing this, it will allow them to trust themselves and they won’t need to depend on what other people have to say.
While other people can serve as a catalyst when it comes to one’s self development, they can’t be looked upon to provide all the answers. One is on their own journey and while other people can shine the light, they can’t walk the path for them.
If one finds it hard to trust themselves, they may need to look at what they believe and to see if they are carrying any emotional baggage. This may be something that one can deal with by themselves or they may need to seek the assistance of a therapist or some kind of coach.
Oliver JR Cooper
In today’s world, there is far less pressure on men and women to conform to certain roles, and this has made it easier for them to be themselves. However, change doesn’t happen overnight, and while so much has been archived, there is still work to be done.
In the past, men had to be ‘strong’ at all times, and if they showed their vulnerability, they would be seen as ‘weak’. Women, on the other hand, were allowed to show their vulnerability, but it wasn’t acceptable for them to be seen as ‘strong’.
Based on appearances alone, it is clear to see that a man’s body is an expression of the masculine and a woman’s body is an expression of the feminine. Yet, even though this is the case, each gender is made up of masculine and feminine traits.
What this shows is that if a man always comes across as strong and a woman always comes across as vulnerable, they are out of balance. Therefore, they are not being true to themselves; they are simply playing a role.
Although this shows that they are playing a role, it doesn’t mean they realise what is happening, and if they have behaved in this way for most of their life, it might be seen as who they are. How they behave is then something that is defined by their gender, and the only way for them to change their behaviour would be to change their gender.
When this happens, it will be normal for someone to feel trapped. The role they play may allow them to receive positive feedback from others, but it won’t put an end to the pain they experience through living their life in this way.
As more people break out of the old roles and allow themselves to be who they are as opposed to who they are expected to be, the easier it is for others to do the same thing. With each day that passes, the easier it becomes for each gender to be themselves.
There will soon come a time where it will be seen as abnormal for a man to be strong all the time and for a woman to always act vulnerable. And when this happens, this is something that may no longer be of interest to society as a whole.
Of course, there will still be people who hold onto the old ways, but these will be few and far between. When change occurs, there is resistance, and this is because human beings get attached to how things are.
It won’t matter if they are attached to something that is having a negative effect; they are attached and to let go of the old way will create resistance. Even though playing a certain role is destructive, it will be what is familiar.
On one side, there will only be the pain that someone experiences through playing a role, and on the other side, there will also be the pressure other people experience through the role they play. This is because each and every one of us is being influenced by the people around us.
During someone’s early years, they look towards their caregivers to show them how to behave, and then as time passes, they are influenced by their friends and the media, for instance. As a result of this, it could be said that someone’s caregivers play a key role when it comes what they believe it means to be a man/women, and the people they come into contact with in the outside world either validate or invalidate what they have learned.
If someone is brought up by people who have moments where they reveal their vulnerability and moments where they come across as strong (regardless of their gender), it will allow them to embrace who they are. This is not to say that they won’t be influenced by the outside world, but these early experiences are likely to make it easier for them to be themselves.
When they come across men who hide their vulnerability or women who always come across as weak, they will know that they are hiding their true self. Whereas, if it wasn’t for these early experiences, they may come across this behaviour and think it’s normal.
If they were to come across a man who acts emotional or as though they can’t do something, they may end up telling them to ‘man up’. And if they see a woman acting in these ways, they may end up using the same words.
This is something that can not only come out of a man’s mouth; it can also come out of woman’s mouth. When this phrase is used, it is a way of telling someone to get themselves together or to develop a back bone, for instance.
However, while it can be easy to overlook these words and to say that it is only a phrase, words are powerful. If one was to take a deeper look at this phrase, they may start to see how destructive it can be to tell someone to ‘man up’.
When a man hears these words, he is being told that it is not possible for him to be vulnerable and to be a man. And as a result of this, he is also being told that it is only acceptable for women to be vulnerable.
Furthermore, this also means that women are inferior, and if a man was to express his emotional nature, he would be seen in the same way. It is then not possible for him to be a while human being; he has to hide his true feelings.
If a woman was to hear this, she may come to the conclusion that men are superior because they don’t show their emotions. And just as men are conditioned to cut themselves of from their softer side, a woman can feel the need to do the same.
Being vulnerable has nothing to do with gender and everything to do with being human. Yet, just because someone acts vulnerable, it doesn’t mean that they are weak and that they can’t act strong.
To embrace each side is to be a whole human being, and as more people come to realise this, the better off the human race will be. Women won’t need to be walked over and men won’t need to suffer in silence.
Oliver JR Cooper
If one was to think about someone they appreciate, there is a strong chance that they will end up feeling ‘good’. Yet, if they were to think about someone who presses their buttons, for instance, they are unlikely to have the same emotional experience.
And when they feel good, there is not much chance of them wanting to blame the other person for how they feel. However, this is not necessarily going to be the case when it comes to the emotional experience they have when they don’t feel this way.
Human beings want to feel good, and as a result of this, they will often go out of their way to experience pleasure. So when one spends their time around someone who they enjoy being around, they are not going to tell the other person to change their behaviour.
This may happen if they were to change and one no longer felt the same way around them. But in most cases, they are not going to have the need to tell the other person to ‘stop making me feel this way’.
On The Other Side
If, on the other hand, someone doesn’t feel ‘good’ when they are around someone, they may end up blaming them for how they feel. This can relate to someone they spend a lot of time with or it may relate to someone they see on the odd occasion.
How they feel when they are around them has then got nothing to do with them, and it can then be normal for them to see the other person as the cause. What is going in within them is then irrelevant, and there is no need for them to engage in any kind of self-reflection.
One way for them to gain support for their outlook and to prove that how they feel has nothing to do with them, is to gain support from others. These people can then validate what is taking place and tell them that it has nothing to do with them.
As a result of this support, there is then no reason for them to take responsibility for how they feel. But while they may get to be ‘right’, it is not going to give them the chance to see if they are playing a part in what is happening.
However, there is always the chance that they will come across someone who responds to them in a different way. When this happens, they may encourage them to go inside and to see why they feel as they do.
And if they were to do this, they may start to understand why they feel as they do when they are around the other person. This is not to say that how they feel is ‘wrong’, but it will give them a chance to take responsibility for how they feel.
When someone is in touch with their thoughts and emotions, it will make it easier for them to see why they feel the way they do. If they don’t have this connection, their emotions may appear to be the result of what is taking place externally.
It is then not going to be possible for them to see if what is taking place within them is playing a part in how they feel. Their attention will be placed on what someone else has said or done.
And while it is important to look into what is taking place on the outside, it is also important to look into what is take place on the inside. If one only looks at what is taking place externally, they will end up feeling like a victim.
Yet, if they only look at what is taking place within them and don’t reflect on what is taking place on the outside, they will also be out of balance. Instead of being in a position they are avoiding responsibility, they will be in a position where they are taking too much responsibility.
For example: if one feels angry, they could blame the other person or they could take their time to think about why they feel as they do. And instead of telling the other person that they make them feel angry, they can say they feel angry when they do or say something.
The first approach is likely to make the other person defensive, and if this happens on a regular basis, they may start to experience resentment. The other person may continue to be there physically, but they may start to emotionally disconnect from them.
The Second Approach
When they take the second approach, there is less chance of the other person being defensive. This is because one is not blaming them for how they feel; they are simply pointing out how they feel when something takes place.
There is then no need for the other person to experience resentment and it will be easier for them to maintain their emotional connection. In order for one to take this approach they will need to be in touch with how they feel and to own their emotional experience.
Through taking responsibility for how they feel as opposed to blaming others, it will give them the chance to grow and to work through the problems they have with others. Blaming others may allow then to feel better in the short-term, but it won’t allow them to grow and it is likely to have a negative effect on their relationships.
It one finds it difficult to own their emotional experience, this may be a sign that they haven’t developed boundaries and that they have an emotional build-up. Through letting go of their emotional build up, they will start to develop a sense of self.
They will then be able to see where they begin and end and where other people begin and end. This is something that can take place with the assistance of a therapist and/or a support group.
Oliver JR Cooper
There are some people who have clear expectations in life and then there are others who just ‘go with the flow’. When someone is clear about what they want out of life, it may give them the chance to fulfil their needs.
Whereas, if they don’t have this outlook and they just coast along, they may end up experiencing a lot of frustration. This is not to say that someone’s expectations will always be met, but when someone is clear about what they are it will give them the chance to meet them.
When someone has expectations, it could be said that they are going to have a certain level of attachment. In this case, if they achieve what they want to achieve they will be fine, but they will end up feeling let down when they don’t.
Yet, if someone goes with the flow, they are not going to have the same level of attachment. Having said that, forming attachments is part of being human, and this means that it is not going to be possible for someone to completely let go.
Through not having the same level same of attachment, it may allow them to experience less pain. However, the pain they avoid through not being attached could end up being replaced by the pain they experience through not having their needs met.
Not having expectations could be a way for them to stop themselves from being let down. On one side, this may allow them to experience a sense of control, but on the other, this may set them up to feel hopeless.
A Sense of Direction
When someone has expectations, they may have a sense of direction in life, and when someone doesn’t, they may lack direction. Through having a sense of direction, it will give them a sense of purpose, and while there will be moments of frustration, there will also be moments of satisfaction
As a result of this, it will be important for someone to take a deeper look into what they expect from life, and this will give them the chance to see if their expectations are realistic. And if someone doesn’t have any expectations, it will be important for them to look into why that is.
If someone with high expectations was to meet someone who has low expectations, they may come to the conclusion that they are completely differently, and while this may be true, there may be more to it. At a deeper level, they may have the same view of themselves; with the difference being how they have chosen to deal with what is taking place within them.
When someone feels worthless, it can set them up to do everything they can to prove themselves wrong or they can simply accept how they feel. One way to prove themselves wrong is to externalise their self-worth and this can take place through achieving things.
However, because of how they feel on the inside, it won’t matter what they achieve; their sense of not being enough is not going to disappear. And when their expectations are too high and they end up crashing down, there is a strong chance that they will feel like a failure; without realising that this could be a sign that their expectations were unrealistic to begin with.
If they have accepted how they feel, they can end up having no expectations whatsoever. In this case, there is no much chance of their needs being met, and no matter what they achieve, it won’t change how they feel.
On the inside, they may feel as though they are insignificant, and they may believe that the only way for them to change how they feel is to achieve something significant. This will then allow them to stand out and to finally feel as though they are valuable.
And because their sights are set so high, they may have moments where they achieve big (and then feel compelled to achieve big again shortly after) and moments where they will aim high and never achieve the level of success they desire. The pain they experience thorough feeling worthless is likely to be what drives them to achieve.
In The Eyes OF Others
Even though it is not necessary for them to achieve so much in order to be accepted, they are likely to believe that other people see how flawed they are, and the only way for other people to accept them is for them to achieve in a big. Therefore, they might not even realise that their expectations are high.
They might just feel compelled to achieve more, and if they don’t achieve, they may feel as though other people can see that they have not matched up. What this shows is that it is not possible for them to a human being; they are a human doing.
What’s going on?
When it is not possible for someone to accept themselves as an adult, it is likely to be a sign that they were not accepted as a child. During their early years, they may have only been accepted when they met their caregiver’s needs.
If their needs were rarely, if ever, met, this may have meant they were abused and/or neglected, and it would be normal for them to feel worthless and to act like a human doing. These experiences would have caused them to feel ashamed and this means they may be carrying toxic shame.
In order for them to be a human being, they may need to mourn their unmet childhood needs and to receive the positive regard that they didn’t receive all those years ago. This is something that can take place with the assistance of a therapist and/or a support group.
And as they let go of what they don’t need and receive what they do need, they will no longer need to feel as though they worth depends on what they achieve and they won’t need to have unrealistic expectations.
Oliver JR Cooper
On one side, human beings have the ability to talk, and on the other, they have the ability to listen. And as they have two ears and only one mouth, it could be said that it is a lot easier for them to listen.
However, even though it is easier for someone to listen, it doesn’t mean that this is what will take place. They may be able to listen from time to time, or they may find that they are the ones who are always talking.
In the words of the Greek philosopher Epictetus – ‘we have two ears and one mouth so that we can listen twice as much as we speak.' This was someone who was born in 55 AD, and this shows that people have realised how important it is to listen for many, many years.
But even though this is the case, it doesn’t mean that it is easy for someone to give their mouth a rest and to let their ears do all the work. They can feel compelled to talk and their ears are not going to have anything to do.
When someone wants to express themselves, it will be important for them to talk. This is the only way other people are going to find out about them, and if they were to only listen, they are going to be out of balance.
Other people may see them as quiet, or they may come to the conclusion they are trying to hide something. Therefore, it can be a lot harder for people to get to know them, and to connect to them, if they rarely say anything.
Getting To Know Others
However, if they don’t talk much, it will give them a greater chance of getting to know other people. They are not going to be focused on having other people find out about them, and this will allow them to be present.
This is partly because people want to be heard, and when they come across someone who wants to listen, they may be drawn to them. And the more one listens to them, the more the other person may appreciate them.
If one was to judge what the other person was saying, either verbally or non-verbally, it is likely to have a negative effect on the relationship. Yet, if they are able to listen without having the need to let the other know whether they agree or disagree with what is being said, the other person is likely to be able to trust them.
When they feel as though they can tell them anything, they are going to want to make sure that they remain part of their life. And at the same time, it will be important for them to be interested in what the other person has to say.
Give and Take
Unless the other person is willing to listen when they talk, the relationship is going to end up being out of balance. One may end up feeling as though their needs are not important, and they may come to the conclusion that the other person only cares about themselves.
So while they may find it easy to listen in the beginning; this may begin to change as time passes. And if one doesn’t speak up about what is happening, they can end up feeling like a doormat.
When someone finds it easy to talk to others, there is a strong chance that they will know plenty of people, and they might even be described as ‘popular’. Other people might even learn a lot from them, however, this can all depend on the kind of things they talk about.
There is not going to be much chance of these people being labelled as quiet, and this will give the people around them the chance to give their mouth a rest and to use their ears. What is likely to have an impact on whether other people see them in a positive light is if they also have the ability to use their ears.
Out of Balance
If they do, this will stop them from being seen as though they don’t care about what other people have to say. As a result of this, not only will the people around them hear what they are saying, they will also want to listen.
When this isn’t the case, their inability to listen to others is going to make it hard for them to learn about others. The people around them can also end up feeling as though they don’t exist.
It is not going to be possible for someone to always be in balance with this, but it is possible for them to talk and to listen. There will be times where they will listen more than they talk and vice versa, and this why they will need to be comfortable with both.
If someone has trouble talking, they may believe that other people won’t listen to them if they talk. And if they find it hard to stop talking and to listen to others, they may believe that they will be ignored if they stop talking.
Through taking the time to reflect on why they are the way they are, it will be possible for them to take the steps they need to take to be able to talk and listen. In order for them to feel comfortable with both, they may need to seek external assistance.
Oliver JR Cooper
There are going to be people who feel comfortable expressing every emotion on the spectrum and then there are going to be others who are not in the same position. When someone does feel comfortable with their emotions, they are not going to deny how they feel.
This will allow them to not only be honest with themselves; they can also be honest with others. And during those moments when it is best for them to keep their feelings to themselves, they can still acknowledge how they feel.
When someone is in touch with how they feel, it doesn’t mean they will always let other people know. This is because it is not always going to be appropriate for them to do this, and this is why they will need to think as well as feel.
Their ability to contain their emotional experience will allow them to embrace how they feel. It is then not necessary for them to suppress or to vent, and this will give them the chance to own their emotional experience.
The Other Side
Alternatively, when someone doesn’t feel comfortable expressing certain emotions, they are going to end up denying how they feel. On one side, they won’t be able to express how they feel to others, and on the other, they might end up being out of touch with how they feel.
Their focus is then not going to be on their own needs, it is going to be on doing everything they can to please others. Maintaining a certain image will be what matters, and even though this is their priority, it doesn’t mean they are completely aware of what they are doing.
The Build Up
If they felt comfortable with their own feelings, they would think about other people’s feelings; but this is not going to be something that defines their life. It will be balanced out by their own needs, and this will stop them from having to lose themselves in the process.
Through constantly putting other people’s needs before their own, it is likely to mean that their feelings will build-up within them. This can then cause them to feel weighed down and unable to do what they need to do in life.
Out of Control
And if they do express how they feel, it might not be possible for them to experience self-control, and this is because their reactions can end up being way out of proportion. If this happens, it might be hard for the people around them to work out why they are behaving as they are.
On one side, they may say that they are acting out of character, and on the other, they may say that they are over reacting. However, if they were to take a closer look, they might see that how they usually present themselves is not who they really are.
There are certain emotions that are seen as acceptable and then there are others that are not seen in the same way. For example, it is often seen as acceptable for men to be angry and for women to be sad.
And along with this, people can feel the need to be happy and to cover up their true feelings. It is then not acceptable for them to be sad and they will always need to have a smile plastered over their face.
However, both men and women can find it hard to express their anger, and this can set them up to experience all kinds of problems. They may end up disconnecting from this emotion, and if they were to express it, they may end up feeling guilty.
Although anger is an emotion that is often seen a negative, it is neither negative nor positive. When someone gets angry, there is a strong chance that they have been violated or compromised.
If it wasn’t for their anger, they wouldn’t know that something was wrong, and this is why people who disconnect from their anger often end up being walked over, for instance. The feedback they need in order to realise what is taking place is not available.
The trouble with emotions is that they don’t always reflect reality, and so if someone feels guilty for being angry, it doesn’t necessarily mean that they have done something wrong. It might just come down to the fact that they have been conditioned to believe that anger is bad.
When someone gets angry, it doesn’t mean they have to lose all self-control and to cause harm; they can contain how they feel. This means that they are in touch with how they feel and at the same time, they can still think clearly.
A Deeper Look
If someone ends up feeling guilty whenever they get angry, they may have become accustomed to feeling this way, and they can then come to the conclusion that there is nothing they can do. Yet, no matter how long they have been this way, there is a reason why they are experiencing life in this way.
The reason they are like this is likely to be the result of what took place during their early years. When they expressed their anger, there is a strong chance that they were punished in some way as opposed to being encouraged to express themselves.
Disconnecting from their anger was then not something they chose to do; it was something they had to do in order to survive. And because of how the people around them responded to their anger, it would have been normal for them to form a negative relationship with this emotion.
As they were not allowed to be angry, this would have meant that their need to be heard wasn’t met, and this would have caused them to feel rejected. For them to feel comfortable with their anger they will need to realise that there is nothing wrong with this emotion and they may need to mourn their unmet childhood needs.
This is something that can take place with the assistance of a therapist and/or a support group.
Oliver JR Cooper
Oliver JR Cooper
Teacher, Author, Transformational Writer & Consultant - With Over 2,000,000 Article Views Online.
That which is contained within these articles is based on my own empirical understanding and is true for me at the time they were written. However, as I continue to grow, what I perceive as the truth will inevitably change and as a result of this - parts of these articles may not reflect my current outlook.
A Dialogue With The Heart - Part One
A Dialogue With The Heart - Part Two
A Dialogue With The Spirit
Why Does He Behave That Way? Why Do I Behave This Way?