There are certain things that people talk openly about in today’s world that wouldn’t have been spoken about openly in the past and what is being spoken about can define whether progress is being made. However, there are many things that people talk about that show how far humanity has come.
For example, for many years people had to hide their sexuality unless they were straight, and in certain parts of the world this is no longer the case. It is not a lot easier for someone to be themselves, and this is because they no longer need to hide their true self. A Process And while there are still going to be people who find it hard to accept the fact that there is nothing wrong with people who have a different sexual orientation; the right steps are being made. As times passes, more and more people will see this as something that is normal, and they may wonder why it was so hard for certain people to accept this. A big part of what someone sees as acceptable will depend on the kind of messages they received at an early age. So if someone is born into a country that accepts that it is normal for people to be different when it comes to their sexual orientation and their caregivers give them the same messages, they are likely to grow into adults who see this as something that is normal. Another Example There are going to be times in life where someone experiences some kind of mental and emotional challenge, and during these times it will be important for them to open up and to be supported by others. Nowadays, it can be easier for this to take place, and this is partly because there is less social stigma attached to mental and emotional problems. In the past, there was greater pressure on people to hide what was going on within them, and to just get on with life as best as they could. If they did this, they would be seen as strong, whereas, if they were to express their feelings, they would be seen as weak. Suffer In Silence It was then normal for someone to suffer in silence, and while they may have looked fine in the eyes of others, their life may have been a living hell. In this sense, they were physically alive but they may have felt as though they were already dead. Fortunately, there has been a gradual change in how mental and emotional problems are viewed, and it is now possible for someone to receive support. This can be from their doctor, a therapist, through reading a book, going online and/or through talking to a close friend, for instance. Different Challenges If someone has anger problems, they might feel comfortable opening up to others about what is taking place within them. However, this might not be the case if they felt suicidal. What this comes down to is that although progress has been made, there are certain inner experiences that are easier to share than others. This could be due to how something is viewed by the people one spends their time with, how it is viewed by the society they live in and/or it could come down to their gender. Conflict On one side, someone can be in pain and desperately need support, and on the other, their fear of what will happen if they open up can stop them from reaching out. This is why it is so important for mental and emotional problems to be normalized Not normal in the sense that people are lead to believe that they have to put up with these problems, but normal in the sense that these problems can be part of the human experience. There is then no need for someone to feel ashamed and to hide what is going on for them, and they can share their experience without thinking they will be ostracised. Suicidal If someone was to feel overwhelmed and had suicidal thoughts, for instance, they are going to be in a lot of pain, and while they may reach out for support, they might not feel comfortable enough to do this. They may think about taking their life, but then again, they might not even think about doing this and each day will be a struggle. This may have been how they have experienced life for as long as they can remember or it may be an experience that they haven’t had for very long. Yet, no matter how long they have experienced life in this way, it is likely to be something they want to put to an end. Point Of Focus They are not going to feel as though their life is worth living, and it might not matter how their life looks from the outside. What is taking place within them will be what is defining their experience on this earth If they were to reach out for support, they may be told that how they feel is the result of what is taking place in their head. As a result of this, they may be encouraged to change their thoughts. The Body And while this may work, there is also the chance that it won’t be enough, and they may be offered the chance to go on some kind of medication (that’s if they are not offered this in the first place). In the short-term, it might be necessary for them to go on medication, but this is unlikely to solve the problem. Another approach would be for them to bring their awareness into their body and to see what is going on there. The kind of thoughts that they are having in their head could be a reflection of how they feel in their body. A Reason Through facing how they feel, they may begin to see that the thoughts in their head are there for a reason as opposed to just appearing out of nowhere. From here, they may start to experience a sense of loss, and it might then be easier for them to understand why they want their life to end. When someone experiences loss, the meaning of their life can change, and it is then going to be normal for them feel as though they have no reason to live. However, as long as they are able to mourn the grief that is within them, it will be possible for them to gradually let go and to find meaning once again. Mourning This can relate to the loss of a loved one, a job or the end of a relationship, and it can also relate the loss that one experienced if their needs were not met during their childhood years. When it is not possible for someone to mourn, the grief will stay inside them, and wanting to die can end up being an experience they become accustomed to as opposed to an experience they are able to move through. Awareness In order for someone to find meaning once again, it will be important for them to cry out the pain that is within them. This is something that can take place through the assistance of a therapist and/or a support group. And while this is not something that will happen overnight, it will happen as long as one sticks to this process. It is not linear and this is why there will be ups and downs, but these ups and down will start to decrease as long as one faces how they feel.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk/
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There are going to be moments when someone feels happy and moments when they don’t, and while they may prefer to be happy all the time, this is not going to be possible. When it comes to the people someone spends their time around, they may also find it easier to be around them when they are happy.
However, just because they enjoy being around the people they are close to when they are happy, it doesn’t mean they will avoid them when they are not happy. If they were to behave in this way, it is likely to have a negative effect on their relationships. Self-Centred There is a strong chance that they would end up being seen as self-centred, and while they might stay around, they might end up walking away. This is going to come down to the fact that they are not willing to give. Their point of focus will be on themselves, and they are not going to care about how other people feel. Another way of looking at this would be to say that they are unable to empathise with others. Give and Take When someone has healthy relationships with others, they are going to be there when they are happy and when they are not experiencing life in this way. Through behaving in this way, it will show the other person that they actually care about them. There is then no need for them to put on act and to deny how they feel; they can be themselves. They are accepted for who they are as opposed to being accepted for playing a role. Two Ways And as long as this is something that works both ways, their relationship will be in balance. This will then enable each person to get their needs met, and their wellbeing will be enhanced as a result. However, if one was to spend most of their time around someone who was unable to be happy, it is likely to have a negative effect on them. This is not going to be the same as someone who has moments when their mood drops; it will be far more consistent. Support There could be a number of reasons why someone would come across in this way, and while they may open up about what is taking place for them, they might not. If they are able to talk about what is going on, it might be easier for one to be around them. But if they don’t open up and they won’t let one assist them, it might be better for them to take a step back and to limit the amount of time they spend around them. Once they have spent some time away from them, they may start to think about how moody they are. Moody This is not to say that it easy to put up with people who are moody from time to time, but it is not going to be as much of a challenge. Having said that, knowing someone who is moody from time to time can also cause problems; it can all depend on why they are moody. It could be said that being moody from time to time is part of being human, and at the same time, it will be important for someone to talk about why they are moody. This is something that can occur as a result of what is taking place externally and what is taking place internally. Opening Up When someone opens up about why they are moody (or just acknowledges how they feel even if they don’t know why), it will be easier for someone to be around them. They can talk it through and there will be no need for ‘drama’ to arise. However, if someone doesn’t open up about that is going on for them and they are not willing to acknowledge the effect their behaviour is having on others, it is going to cause problems. It then won’t matter if this is something that happens on a regular basis or every now and then. Emotional Awareness An important part of being able to open up will be for someone to be aware of their emotions. If they are not aware of how they feel, it will be normal for them to come across as moody. They will also need to feel as though it is safe for them to express how they feel; if they don’t, they will have a greater need to hide how they really feel. Being moody can be seen as a way for someone to indirectly fulfil their emotional needs. Walking On Egg Shells The people around them can find themselves doing everything they can to please them, and this is because they can end up walking on eggshells. Through being moody, one may be able to take control of their environment It then might not matter if they are around people who have played a part in why they are this way; as they are not going to take responsibility for their behaviour. The people who are around them when they are moody may start to feel guilty and then end up trying to appease them as a way to feel better. Closer Look At one point in their life (and this may have been during their childhood years), it might not have been possible for them to express their feelings, and they may have learned that being moody was the only way for them to be heard. During this time, the people around them would have generally given them the kind of responses they wanted. And while time has passed, they have continued to behave in the same way. The reason the people around them put up with it could be because they were around people who were moody during their early years. Awareness As a result of this, they have been trained to tolerate this behaviour, and this is why they put up with it. If someone is in a position where they find it hard to open up when they are moody and they use this behaviour to control others, it will be important for them to develop a healthy relationship with their emotions. Through connecting to how they feel and feeling that it is safe for them to open up, their behaviour will start to change. And during those moments when they have a reason to be moody, they won’t need to make the people around them suffer unnecessarily. This is something that can take place with the assistance of a therapist and/or a support group.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk/
It has been said that our greatest wealth is health, and it doesn’t take much thought to realise why this is. When someone has good health, it will be lot easier for them to live a fulfilling life.
If they are not in good health, it is going to be a lot harder for them to enjoy their time on this earth. Therefore, it will be important for them to take care of their body and mind, and not to overlook the vehicle that allows them to experience life. Possessions For example, one person may have all kinds of possessions and all the money they need, but it might not be possible for them to enjoy what they have if they are in bad health. Other people may look at what they have and wish they had the same; without realising the kind of position they are in. The person who is well off in a material sense may look at the people who are having the opposite experience and say how they would do anything to change places. This is not to say that someone can’t be healthy and wealthy, or that people who are not wealthy are always healthy. The Most Important Thing What it does emphasise is how important someone’s health is, and while this might seem obvious, this is something that can take a back seat in life. Their focus can be on attaining material possessions and/or maintaining a certain status in the eyes of others. However, there are many people who realise how important their health is and while they will work hard, they are not going to compromise their health in the process. Through this, not only will they be able to attain things, they will also be able to enjoy what they attain. A Minor Problem It is not necessary for someone to have a serious health problem in order for them to suffer; something fairly insignificant can still make it hard for them to enjoy life. For example: if they have an ulcer in their mouth, it can cause them to experience incredible pain. In a short amount of time, the ulcer is likely to heal and they won’t need to be consumed by what is taking place in their mouth. Before they had the ulcer they may have just got used to how they felt, and for a short time after woods, it may cause them to appreciate being pain-free without needing to attain anything else. Stress It has been said that ulcers are caused by stress, and what this shows is that someone’s physical health can be affected by how they feel. This example could be seen a fairly trivial, but it is not difficult for someone to relate to it. When someone experiences loss, they are also likely to experience stress, and how much stress they experience can depend on a number of factors. If they lose someone they love, for instance, there is a strong chance that they will experience incredible pain. Grief And because they have experienced loss, it will be normal for them to experience grief, and in order for them to let go off this pain, it will be important for them to mourn. If they are unable to mourn, it is not going to be possible for their pain to be released. This grief is going to be felt in their chest area and they may feel as though their heart has been broken into pieces. However, even though this pain needs to be faced in order to be released, it doesn’t mean that this will take place. Trapped Instead, this pain can end up being trapped in their body, and while they may gradually disconnect from how they feel, it doesn’t mean that it will simply disappear. It may take a while for their grief to have an impact on their life though. This grief can have an impact on how they feel, the kind of thoughts they have and how they behave, and as time passes, it can also influence their physical health. If these symptoms appeared straight away, it might be easier for someone to realise what the cause is. The Delay But as it can take a while for these symptoms to appear, it can be normal for someone to wonder why they are experiencing life as they are. One of the biggest reasons why people don’t face their pain is because of the society they live in. In today’s world, people are rarely encouraged to mourn when they experience loss, and what they are likely to be told is to move on or to simply ‘get over it’. Through avoiding how they feel, they will end up being stuck in their grief, and even though it is not their intention to suffer, they will face the consequences as time goes by. Breathing When this grief stays trapped in their chest, it can make it hard for them to breath, and if they don’t experience this pain in everyday life, they may experience it when they take part in some form of exercise. This is because their lungs will be under greater pressure and this will trigger their unmourned grief. Yet, if the pain they experience is purely physical, they might not think about how this pain could be caused by what is taking place at an emotional level. And as it is a physical problem, they may end up taking some kind of medication. Embracing Life If someone finds it hard to breathe, it is clear to see that it is going to make it harder for them to enjoy life, and what is not as clear, is that it can make it harder for them to embrace life. Being able to breathe is what allows someone to exist, and if they can’t take in air, not only is it going to make it harder for them to breath, it is also going to make it harder for them to take in life. Awareness The grief that is within them will need to be mourned, and as this takes place, they may begin to find that it easier for them to breathe. If someone finds it hard to connect with how they feel they may need the assistance of a therapist and/or a support group. Through this external support, it will be possible for them to gradually get in touch with how they feel and to cry out the pain that is within them. This is unlikely to be something that happens over night, and this is why they will need to keep going.
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When someone puts their needs first, there is the chance that they will be described as selfish. Whereas, as if they put other people’s needs first, they may end up being described as selfless.
And although these are only two of the options that someone has, they can end up being seen as the only options available. It is then not possible for them to put their needs first and to be there for others. Selfless To be seen as selfless can make someone feel good, and this is because they are likely to receive approval from others. The down side to acting in this way is that one will have to ignore their own needs. There is the chance that other people will show them respect, but at the same time, it is going to be hard for them to respect themselves. The reason for this is that they are neglecting their own needs in order to fulfil the needs of others. Selfish If one is seen as being selfish, it can end up having a negative effect on them. This is partly because it is likely to stop them from being approved of by others. The upside to being this way is that it may be possible for them to have their needs met. The amount of respect that they receive from others may decrease, but they will be able to respect themselves. Compromise When someone is so focused on the needs of others that they end up disconnecting from their own needs, they are going to be compromising themselves. Now, this is not to say that one will realise this; as it could take place just outside of their awareness. They can then going to end up feeling down without knowing why, and while this pain could be regulated by pleasing others, it won’t be long until this pain appears once gain. This is not to say that someone should never compromise, but if this is something that always takes place it is going to cause them to suffer unnecessarily. Pleasing Others It is going to be harder for someone to put their needs first when they need to please others. In this case, they are still putting themselves first, but it is their need for approval as opposed to the other needs that they have. So although they can come across as being selfless, this is nothing more than an illusion. Behind their need to please others is an even greater need to be accepted by them, and because this need is so strong, they are willing to ignore their own needs. The Other Side However, if someone always puts their needs first and doesn’t think about the needs of others, it is going to be a sign that they are out of balance. This is because life is not just about taking; it is also about giving. And in order to be in balance, it will be important for one to have moments in their life where they are there for others. Yet, even though one is there for others, it doesn’t have to mean that they are ignoring their own needs. A Closer Look It is then not case of one having to be selfish or selfless; they can put their needs first and take care of other people’s needs. When this happens, they are not going to end up running on empty, and at the same time, they will be making a contribution to the world. This doesn’t mean they will be taking care of other people’s needs because they want to please them; it is going to come down to the fact that being there for others fulfils their own needs. They are still being selfish, but it could be classed as a ‘higher’ form of selfishness. Pure Intentions Their actions are generally going to be defined by their need to fulfil their needs, and not because they want to look good in the eyes of others. If their needs were not being met, it would be more or less impossible for them to truly be there for others. There are still likely to be people to label them as being ‘selfish’, but then this is just part of life. What will matter is that they will be honest with themselves, and this will play a part in them being able to live a fulfilling life. False Self Alternatively, if one is out of touch with their needs, their life is generally going to be defined by their need to look good in the eyes of others. They are then going to be there for others, but they are not truly there for them. The view that people have of them is not going to relate to their true self, it is going to relate to the false self they have developed. And due to how long they have experienced life in this way, they may believe that it is who they are. Survival At a deeper level, they may believe that the only way for them to survive is to put other people’s needs first. It then won’t matter if they are aware of their needs; as they are not going to be able to fulfil them. This could mean that their needs were overlooked during their early years, and the only way for them to survive was to please the people round them. They would have seen their needs as something to be ashamed of and they would have disconnected from their true self in the process. Awareness In order for someone to let go of their false self and to embrace their true self, it will be important for them to mourn their unmet childhood needs. As this takes place, they will start to feel different and their outlook will change. This is something that can take place with the assistance of a therapist and/or a support group. Through this, one will be able to be affirmed for who they are and this will be an important part of them being able to be themselves
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While some people can let go of a relationship once it is over, there are others who are unable to do so. When someone is able let go, it will be possible for them to move on and to embrace the present moment.
However, if they are unable to do this, it is not going to be possible for them to move on and to live in the present moment. Based on this, it is clear to see that letting go is the best option. A Gradual Process Even if someone is able to let go, it doesn’t mean that this will always happen straight away or that they won’t experience pain. There is the chance that part of them will want to hold on, but another part of them will play an important part in them moving on. The time it takes for them to let go of a relationship may depend on how close they were or how long it lasted. And as time passes, the attachment they had to another person will gradually come to an end. Stuck On the other hand, this is not going to take place when someone holds on, and while this could because they were close, this might not be the case. It could have been a relationship that wasn’t in their best interests and it might not have lasted for very long. In this case, it is a good thing that is over, and they are then in a position where they can find someone who is a better match. If they had a special connection with the other person, it would be easier to understand why they still hold on. Pressure The ideal would be for them to face up to the fact that the relationship is over and even if they did have something special together, this is all in the past. Every part of them may be holding on and they are not going to feel the need to move on. This is not to say that they won’t feel any pressure, and this could come from the people in their life. They may tell to forget about the other person and to move on, and while this could have an effect on then, it might end up falling on deaf ears. Conflict Yet, just because someone is unable to move on, it doesn’t mean they don’t want to. What this is likely to show is that they are experiencing inner conflict, and this is stopping them from being able to change. When people tell them to move on, it is then going to match up with what they tell themselves. They have the need to move on, but another part of then won’t let them carry on with the rest of their life. Head over Heart It could be that their heart is still attached, and this is then in direct opposition with their head. This part of them is going to be aware of what happened in the past and what is happening now. And because their heart is holding on and their head is telling them to let go, it could cause them even more pain. There is then the pain they are experiencing in their heart and the pain they are experiencing through not being able to let go. Fantasising When someone doesn’t want to let go, they are likely to have moments where they imagine having the other person in their life again. This will give them two choices: to either feel down through facing how they feel, or to feel good through fantasising about what will happen. And as the first option makes them feel bad and the second option makes them feel good, they are going to feel the need to do everything they can to avoid facing reality. The above scenario can also happen when someone does want to let go, but in this case, there is likely to be a greater willingness to face up to reality. Moving On If someone has the ability to move on, once a relationship is over, it could be because they have a healthy relationship with their emotions, and this stops them from carrying emotional baggage. As a result of this, the end of a relationship is not going to trigger painful emotions from the past. When they experience loss, they will face their grief and allow themselves to mourn. Through doing this, it will be easier for them to let go of relationships that are not fulfilling, and when they are, the pain they experience will not be backed up by what has stayed in their body from the past. Holding On However, if someone finds it difficult to move on, it could be because they haven’t got a healthy relationship with their emotions, and this then causes them to carry emotional baggage. Once a relationship comes to an end, they can end up being overwhelmed by a sense of loss. When their relationships come to an end, they may stop themselves from mourning, and while this may allow them to feel better in the short-term, the pain they avoid will stay trapped in their body. It then won’t matter what kind of relationship they had or how long it lasted because the end of the relationship will trigger their unmourned grief from the past. Going Through the Pain Holding onto a relationship is then a way for them to avoid the pain that is within them, and if this pain has built up over the years, it is going to be normal for someone to behave in this way. Yet, in order for them to let go, they will need to face the pain that is within them. This is not something that will happen through force and someone can’t just ‘get over it’. The only way to truly let go is to go through the pain, and this means that one will need to surrender to how they feel. Awareness It will be important for them to cry out the pain that is with them, and as this takes place, they will gradually begin to let go. There is no set time for this and this is partly because this is not a linear process. This is a process that can take place with the assistance of a therapist. The main thing is that someone allows themselves to mourn the grief that is within them and doesn’t give up.
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When a person gets to a certain age, there is a strong likelihood that they will attend some kind of school. During this time, they will begin to learn about different areas of life and the kind of subjects that will allow them to function in today’s world.
While their time in education may give them what they need to make it in the world, there is also the chance that this won’t happen. This is because their life is also going to be influenced by self-image. Therefore, if a person doesn’t value themselves, it might not matter what kind of education they receive; unless they realise that succeeding in life is not just about what they know and is also about what is taking place within them, it could set them up to suffer unnecessarily. In the Beginning How someone is treated during their younger years can have an enormous impact on how they see themselves as an adult. Although time passes, they can end up maintaining the same view of themselves, irrespective of later experience. What this shows is how powerful these early experiences are on the psyche, and if someone was able to develop an empowering idea of themselves, they won’t have the need to implement radical change to feel happy. Yet, if their early experiences (along with negative experiences that follow) have set them up to be their own worst enemy, they will have a greater need to experience change. The Truth However, unless someone has been able to detach from what is taking place within them, they might not realise that the image they have of themselves is not who they are. How they see themselves is then not something that can be changed it is as much a part of them as their body is. Fortunately, it is possible for someone to change their self-image. No one needs to be defined by what happened during their childhood years, or what has happened to them since. Self-love When someone loves themselves they can be their own best friend, and this will allow them to have a more fulfilling life. They will have ups and downs like everyone else, but when they do fall, they will allow themselves the support they need to rise once again. Importantly, they will recognise that they deserve it. They are in touch with their true self, as opposed to experiencing life from their false self. When someone is identified with their false self, it can cause them to come across as though they don’t love themselves, but there is also the chance they will come across as though they love themselves too much. Both states have a negative impact on social relationships. Decoration People can come across in this way because they have tried to cover up how they feel about themselves. Their negativity has pushed them to create an inflated sense of self. On one side, this has allowed them to feel better than before, but on the other, it has caused them to act as though they are superior to others. It is human nature to try to avoid pain, and so if someone feels bad on the inside, they can end up trying to cover up how they feel on the outside. Letting Go However, if someone doesn’t love themselves they need to face how they feel. Once they have, they will need to learn to let that negativity go on the one hand, and to receive support on the other hand. What they need to let go and what they need to receive can all depend on what is taking place within them. It could be that they only need to alter their thoughts and beliefs, and as this takes place they may find that they start to feel better about themselves. Affirmations Empowerment and positivity can occur through using different affirmations, and although a person’s inner world won’t change overnight, it may begin to improve if they stick to this process. There are many affirmations out there, and each individual must find the ones that work for them. The great thing about affirmations is that if someone is unable find any that fit their needs, they can make up their own. After someone has used an affirmation for while, they may find that they no longer need it, and they can find or create another one to replace it with. Emotional Work If someone finds that it is not possible for them to accept new messages, this could be a sign that they have emotional work to do, though they may not recognise it themselves. Emotions are often overlooked, and this is because they are often seen as being the result of what is taking place in someone’s mind. However, while our thoughts can define how we feel, they can also trigger emotions that are trapped inside our body. If someone has a lot of negative thoughts and feelings, they may need to bring their attention inwards to their body and put their mind to one side. Mourning For example, when someone experiences a loss (either the loss of a loved one, the end of a relationship, or childhood needs that were not met, for instance) it is important for them to mourn. Yet, this doesn’t always take place, and this can cause their emotions to stay trapped in their body. As a result of this, not only will they feel different emotionally, they will also find that their mind is affected by this build-up. All the time their body is loaded up with these emotions from the past; it will make it harder for them to receive support and live in the moment. Receiving Another thing people may need in order to love themselves is affirmation by others. This not the same as using affirmations, as it is not just going to relate to what others say. Through being around people who are able to accept them as they are, it will allow a person to gradually accept themselves. A friend or family member may be able to provide this, but if not it can occur through working with a therapist. A Process Leaning to love oneself is a process, and while it will take time, it is one of the most important things that someone can ever do for themselves. The hard work will pay off in time and as their inner world begins to change, the people they attract into their life will reflect this positive inner change.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk/
No matter what someone looks like or where they have come from, they will have experienced rejection. What this comes down to is that it is part of life and this is because it is not possible for one to always be accepted.
And if one was to look back on their life, they would also realise that it hasn’t been possible for them to accept everyone either. Therefore, not only will they have been rejected by others, they have also rejected others. Focus However, although this works both ways it can be normal for someone to focus on their own experience and to overlook their actions affect others. This partly comes down to the fact that when one is rejected, they are likely to experience pain, and when they reject others, they might not experience anything. As a result of this, it can be easy for them to feel like a victim, and unless they are able to empathise with others, they might not realise that other people have the same experience. If they are able to see that not only to people reject them and that they reject others, it might be easier for them to handle this experience. Were All Different While some people may go out of their way to reject others, this is not going to apply to everyone. What one person needs is not necessarily going to be the same as what another person needs, and this is partly why rejection occurs. What this can show is that people don’t reject others because they have no value; they reject others because they don’t meet their current requirements. Therefore, rejection is not something that is personal, and as someone changes, what they accept and reject is also likely to change. Impersonal When someone has this outlook, it may be easier for them to handle those moments in life when they don’t meet other people needs. They can then move on and find someone who is able to accept them as they are. If they want the other person to accept them, they can look into what they can do for this to take place. Yet, while this may mean that someone changes who they are to please another person; this might not be the case. Self-reflection One may be in a position where they continually experience rejection in a certain area of their life, and instead of feeling like a victim or blaming others, they can look at what part they may be playing. Through taking this approach, they can feel empowered as opposed to feeling helpless. If one was to blame others for what is happening or to take it personally and collapse, they are not going to be able to move forward. But if they do look within and take the time to reflect on what has been taking place, it will give them the chance to put an end to this destructive pattern. Two Levels Even though rejection is not something that someone consciously wants to experience, it doesn’t mean that this is the case when it comes to what is taking place at a deeper level. Being rejected by others may be what is familiar to their body, and this means it is going to be what feels safe. And as a result of this, they can end up being drawn to people who will reject them, and they can also behave in ways that will encourage people to pull away. If one is aware of what is happening, they can take the steps that they need to make to put an end to this dynamic, but if one is not aware, they are going to suffer unnecessarily. Rejecting Others Another thing that can take place is for them to reject others before they have the chance to reject them. It then won’t matter if the anther person accepts them and has no plan to reject them. They are only going to feel safe when they are being rejected, and rejecting others who accept them will be a way for them to return to what is familiar. In their mind, they may be convinced that the other person was going to reject them; this shows they are seeing with their mind and not their eyes. Protection Although someone can reject others to avoid being rejected, they are still going to end up in the same position. The only difference is that they are taking matters into their own hands as opposed to waiting for other people to do it. What they try to avoid by acting in this way is the very thing they end up experiencing. And unless they look at and deal with what is taking place at a deeper level, they will continue to create the same reality. A Deeper Look There is likely to have been a time in this person’s life where they were rejected on a regular basis, and this may have been during their childhood years. And as this was a time when they needed to be accepted for who they were, it would have set them up to feel worthless. These experiences would have stopped them from being able to develop a positive self-image, and although they want to be accepted by others, it is to going to be possible for this to happen. Firstly, their self-image will stop them from being able to accept positive feedback, and secondly, they will feel the need to keep people at a distance in order to stop them from realising how flawed they are. Awareness And once they have pushed someone away, their emotional experience will match up with how they felt all those years ago. Even though this is stopping them from having a fulfilling life, it is familiar and what feel safe at a deeper level. In order for someone to move beyond this challenge, they may need to mourn their unmet childhood needs, and to tolerate the toxic shame that is within them until it begins to discharge. This is something that can take place through the assistance of a therapist and/or a support group.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk/
While human beings can be objectified by others, they can also be objectified by themselves. What this means is that someone can feel as though they are being taken advantage of by others and it is the outside world that is victimising them, or they can take advantage of themselves, and they are then the perpetrators.
When someone is objectified, they are going to be seen as having one purpose, and that purpose is to gratify other people’s needs. They will not been be seen as a human beings that has feelings and needs, for instance. Empathy In this case, someone sees the other person as being an extension of themselves, and unless they can fulfil their needs, they are not to going to be seen as having any value. What this will show is that they are unable to empathise with them and as a result of this, it is normal for them to see a fellow human being as an object. However, if they were to get in touch with their heart and took a step back from their own needs, they would be able to see that the other person is not an object. Through putting themselves in the other person’s shoes, it will be possible for them to treat them like a whole human being. Disconnected When someone objectifies themselves, they are less likely to be effected when other people treat them in the same way, and this is because it will allow them to feel accepted. What this can show is that their sense of self is based around them pleasing others. Their own needs are then secondary and the needs of others are of primary importance. It could be said that this is a sign that they don’t value themselves, and this has then set them up to place the needs of others above their own. Dependent As they don’t have a strong sense of themselves, it has meant that they are dependent on the positive feedback of others. And one way for them to attain this feedback is to present themselves as someone who is there to fulfil other people needs. This could mean that they do everything they can to look a certain way in order to be ‘desirable’, or they may become highly competent at something and this will allow them to be ‘useful’. Although the positive feedback will make them feel good on one side, it is also likely to make them feel used on the other. Worthless So if someone doesn’t value themselves and they objectify themselves to feel as though they are valuable, they are likely to end up where they started. They might be able to feel better for a short time, but there is not much chance of them being able to maintain their inner state for long. In the back of their mind they may be only to aware of why they are getting positive feedback and how the feedback they are getting has nothing to do with people seeing them as a whole human being. Yet all the time they are getting positive feedback through objectifying themselves, they may be able to keep their true feelings at bay. The Media For many years, the media has been criticised for objectifying women (and men to a lesser degree), and this is because of the effect it has on them. It can play a role in them believing that their value depends upon their physical appearance, and their intelligence and inner beauty, amongst other things, end up being overlooked. It can then be normal for women, from a very young age, to see themselves as objects; with their sole purpose being to please other people. Fortunately, as time has passed, they are beginning to be seen as human beings, and this is important step when it comes to them feeling valuable for who they are and not for what they look like. Today’s World In the past, objectification was largely something that took place in the media, but this is no longer the case. Nowadays, this is something that can be seen on social media, and what this shows is that people are objectifying themselves. This can happen when someone shares pictures in order to receive approval from others, and in these pictures, they might only show their body. Their main focus is then to use their body to please others, and even though they are more than their appearance, they can end up playing a part in people seeing them as objects that are there to fulfil their needs. The Perfect Picture Once a picture has been taken, all kinds of adjustments can be made, and this then gives someone the chance to maximize their value in the eyes of others. This can then cause them to completely transform their appearance, and they may be able to receive more positive feedback. When this happens, it is going to be harder for someone to accept themselves as they are, and it is also going to be harder for them to realise that they are more than their appearance. This is a two-way process though, and the kind of comments people leave can also play a part in someone seeing themselves as objects. Comments While this is something that can have a bigger impact on people that are younger, it can also affect people of all ages. The reason it can have a bigger impact on people who are younger is because they are still developing a sense of themselves Younger women who are told they are ‘beautiful’, ‘attractive’ or ‘gorgeous’, for instance, can gradually come to believe that this is where their values lies. On one level, they are going to feel good through hearing these words, but at a deeper level, they are being conditioned to believe that their value depends on how desirable they are. Conclusion When someone is at an age where they are still developing, it will be important for them to be seen as a whole human being, and not as someone who is only affirmed for their appearance or their ability. The same could be said no matter how old someone is, and while it might not be someone’s intention to objectify another person on social media, this is something that can happen. Through using social media, someone only sees images, words, and sounds, for instance, and so it can be normal for them to objectify others. If they were talking to them in person and an emotional exchange was taking place, this is not as likely to take place. And while it might not have been someone’s intention to self-objectify, this can easily take place without them realising what is happening. How they feel about themselves is then being defined by how other people respond to their pictures, and this means it will be important for them to take a step back and to reflect on what is happening.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk/
What people do at one point in time to look good is not necessarily going to be the same as what they at another point in time. This is not to say that everything will change, but it would also be inaccurate to say that this is an area of life where change doesn’t take place.
There are some things that someone can do to make themselves look good that will have been around for many years and then there will be other things that won’t have been around for very long. For example, mascara is used by women use to enhance their facial appearance and this is said to have been something that was taking place during the times of ancient Egypt. The Foundations In this case, it could be said that the kind of makeup that is around today is simply an effect of what was taking place in the past. There is far more choice available now than there was in these ancient times, but what happened during these times laid the foundations for what was to come. However, although makeup is generally used in today’s world to change someone’s appearance; this was not only reason it was used in the past. In ancient Egypt, it was said to be used by people to keep evil spirits at bay and to protect their soul. Anti-Aging When a culture idolises youth, there is going to be incredible pressure on people to defy the aging process. And while makeup can be used to allow someone to look younger than they really are, they can also resort to other measures. They can apply certain creams that have been designed to keep their wrinkles at bay and to make their skin look firmer, and/or they can take things further and use surgical procedures. Another thing they can is to look at their diet and to see what they are putting into their body. Having a Tan If one had a suntan in the past, it would show that they worked outside and took part in manual labour, and this would be a sign of low social status. Yet as time has gone by, it is no longer seen in the same way. Nowadays, if someone has a tan it is seen in a positive light, and this is partly because it is no longer necessary for someone to work outside in order to have one. This is something that can occur through using a sunbed and more recently, through using a product to attain a fake tan. Associations When someone has a tan, they can look younger, slimmer and as though they are more alive. This all plays a part in them coming to the conclusion that they are more attractive with one, and feedback they receive from others can support this outlook. And because of these benefits, it is easy to see why someone would end up in a position where they feel they need to have a tan in order to look good. It is then not going to be enough for them to have tan from time to time; they will need to have one all the time. Contrast While having a tan can improve someone’s appearance, it can also make it harder for them to accept how they usually look. Through having a tan, one will create a gap between how they looked before and how they look after, and this can cause someone to believe that how they looked before is not good enough. The ideal will be for someone to appreciate how they look with a tan and to appreciate how they look without a tan. When they accept themselves as they are, they are unlikely to have the need to have a tan in order to feel good about themselves. Hooked So if someone doesn’t accept themselves as they are, they can have a greater need to have a tan, and this is because they will be completely dependent on how other people respond to them. It is then going to be normal for them to end up being addicted to using sunbeds, and it won’t matter what the consequences will be further down the line. This is not to say that someone who has a strong sense of themselves won’t feel good through using a sunbed and through having a tan; what it means is that they are not going to overlook their own health in order to attain positive feedback from others. They will be able to take a step back from how they feel and think about what they are doing. A Deeper Look To want to receive positive feedback from others is normal; however, this is a need that can be out of balance. As a child, one would have constantly needed positive feedback from others in order to feel good and to survive, but as an adult this is no longer necessary. Yet, just because someone can look like an adult it doesn’t mean they feel like one, and this can mean they are still emotionally dependent on others. One is then not going to have an individuated sense of self, and how they feel about themselves will be defined by how other people respond to them. Conclusion If someone finds that they only feel good when other people give them positive feedback, this could be a sign that they need to develop a sense of self. And as they do this, it will be possible for them to maintain their value, and while the need to receive positive feedback from others won’t disappear, it won’t define their life. This will then allow them to get in touch with their real needs and not to be caught up in their dependency needs that were not met during their childhood years. For this to happen, it will be important for one to be affirmed for who they are and for their unmet childhood needs to be mourned, and this can take place with the assistance of a therapist and/or a support group.
If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article, as many others have.
Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk/ |
Oliver JR CooperAuthor of 26 books, Transformational Writer, Teacher & Consultant. Introductory Consultation
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Disclaimer
That which is contained within these articles is based on my own empirical understanding and is true for me at the time they were written. However, as I continue to grow, what I perceive as the truth will inevitably change and as a result of this - parts of these articles may not reflect my current outlook.
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