While one could be in a relationship that is going as they would like it to go, there is also the chance that this is not the case. As a result of this, they could be in a position where they believe it is time for them to move on.
Unhealthy This could be a sign that they don’t feel comfortable with the other person, and it is then going to be a challenge for them to spend time with them. Along with this, they could also spend a lot of time thinking about how harmful they are when they are not in their company. Having this person in their life is then going to take a lot from them, and it is not going to give them a lot in return. And when they are in the other person’s presence, they could end up being abused in some way. Abuse The other person could put them down, or they may even physically harm them. However, there is also the chance that it is not this extreme, and that they are with someone who undermines them in other ways. Now, this is not to say that what is taking place can’t be classed as abuse; what it means is that it might be harder for one to realise what is taking place. For instance, they may find that they are only aware of what is taking place when they spend time away from them. External Feedback Or if this is not the case, one may have come to see what is taking place through what the people around them have said. A friend or a family member, for instance, may have pointed out that their partners behaviour is not right. After this took place, it may then have been relatively easy for one to see what is taking place. The support that they are giving them may have given them the confidence to pay attention to how they feel, and then to act on these feelings. Busy If one is not with someone who behaves in this way, they may find that they rarely get to see their partner. There may have been a time when this wasn’t the case, but as time passed this gradually changed. One could look back and see that they were a big part of their life and now they are simply a bit part. It is then going to be as if one was in the starting line up of a team and now they are watching from the stands. Grown Apart Alternatively, one could feel as though they no longer have the same kind of connection that they had in the past. This could be because their interests have changed and/or that they no longer support who they are. For example, one could talk about something they are passionate about and their partner could belittle them or walk away. Therefore, one may feel as though they need to hide certain parts of themselves when they are in their company. Different Factors What this emphasises is that there are all kinds of reason as to why one would want to move on from the person they are with. And while one may find that the people around them support their decision, they may find that there are some people who don’t. Yet if one is with someone who is holding them back and they are unwilling to change, then there is going to be no reason for them to stay with them. The relationship could then come to an end and that will be the end of it, or it could mean that they will end up getting back together again. A Wake up Call When one leaves the other person, it can give them the chance to think about their relationship with new eyes. Also, the person they were with can also reflect on their own behaviour. During this time, the other person may also begin to see what they didn’t behave in the right way, and they may then open up about what has been taking place for them. It could then be said that they needed one to end the relationship in order to come to their senses, so to speak. A New Beginning They could then decide to get back together again, and this could mean that they will end up having a relationship that is mutually fulfilling. The other person will be only too aware of what they need to do to make sure the same thing doesn’t happen again, and based on how they felt when it came to an end, they are not going to want it to happen again. Ultimately, one is likely to have a clear sense of what matters, and this will keep them on track. This is not to say that they will always get everything right, but they will be willing to do their best. Another Outcome On the other hand, one could decide to get back with their ex and the same problems could arise once again. After listening to what they had to say, one may have come to believe that they would change. Their behaviour may have also changed during this time, however, this would have simply been a way for them to draw one back in. Or this could show that although they believed they would change, it isn’t possible for them to make it a reality. Two Parts What this comes down to is that actions speak louder than words, and this is why one will only know if they have changed if they get back with them. And even if they were to do this, it could take a matter of weeks or even months before they can be sure that they have actually changed. Awareness If one has left a relationship because it wasn’t working, it will be important for them to pay attention to what is taking place within them. As if they feel mentally and emotionally unstable when it comes to an end, they could end up getting back with someone for the wrong reason. During this time, they can also pay attention to their intuition and listen to what their close friends and family have to say. If they are finding it hard to think clearly, they may need to work with a therapist.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
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When someone’s life is not going as they would like it to go, there are a number of things that they can do. And while some of these things will allow them to move forward, there are going to be others that won’t.
Escapism One could be drawn to things that will allow them to take their pain away, at least momentarily. This could mean that they will end up drinking something whenever they start to experience pain, or they may have more than one thing to take their pain away. It could then be said that one will be using things that are typically seen as destructive in today’s world. However, one could also take their pain away by doing things that are often seen as acceptable. Work For example, one could ignore the pain that is within them (and what is taking place on the outside) by working harder. Yet even though they will be running away from themselves, there is less chance that other people will realise this. There is the chance that the majority of people they come across will approve of their behaviour, and this can then cause them to believe that they are doing the right thing. Nevertheless, even if one was to lose touch with their feelings, it doesn’t mean that this would last for very long. Burnout This is because there is the chance that they would soon end up feeling worn out, and they would then have to face their feelings once again. Or if this didn’t take place, one could soon lose the motivation to carry on, and this would also cause them to face their feelings once more. Ultimately, this is not going to allow them to improve their life; in fact, it could end up getting a lot worse. Ergo, if one was in a position where they could avoid their life or face it head on, it is naturally going to be better for them to face it head on. Another Approach If this was to happen, they could end up going to see a therapist; however, this can all depend on what they are going through. This could be seen as the right thing to do if they had emotional problems and/or relational challenges, for instance. Through working with a therapist, it would give them the opportunity to take a deeper look into what is taking place. After a few sessions, they could soon find that they have a greater understanding and that their life has started to improve. The Same Old Story At the same time, one may find that this is something that only allows them to get so far, and they may then feel the need to do something else. Or they may start to wonder if their life will ever improve, and they could then end up running away from their life. And while one may have only been in this position once, there is also the chance that they have only got so far after working with a number of different people. This could then mean that one has come to believe that their life will never change. Two Options One on hand, they could simply give up and put up with what is taking place in their life. This is likely to mean that they will suffer even more, but they might have got to the point where they have lost the will to do anything about it. On the other hand, they might feel frustrated for a short time and then start to look for something else. This will then show that although they are not where they would like to be, it doesn’t mean they will simply give up. Loyalty One could then decide to go online and to see if they can find something that will help them, and this could then cause them to come across family constellation therapy. This could be because they have looked for information on how to move forward when you feel stuck, for instance. Also, one may have found that they have the need to be loyal, and this is then stopping them from making any real progress. And while one may have tried lots of different things before they came across this, this may have also been the first thing they have come into contact with. Family System What this shows is that there is not one path, and that one person could see this as the answer to their problems and another could see it as something that may or may not assist them. Through reading up about this form of therapy, one is likely to be told that their issues didn’t start with them, and that they have been passed down from their ancestors. The reason they are carrying these issues is out of their need to be loyal to their family system. Their family gave them life and as a way to repay them, they have taken on what doesn’t belong to them. The Next Step Therefore, in order for one to move forward in life, they will need to give back what doesn’t belong to them. By having a constellation (or a number of them), it may then be possible for them to finally live their own life. So Simple Now, as to whether this form of therapy will allow one to experience the kind of results that they expect can all depend on a number of different factors. Their life could radically change, or they might wonder why they bothered. However, while one can be drawn to this type of therapy because they feel stuck or because it has been recommend by someone else, for instance, it can also be seen as the easy option. It is human nature to avoid pain, and so when one is told that they can change their life without having to face themselves, it is going to be normal for them to gravitate towards it. Awareness It is then similar to how one can be drawn positive thinking and/or affirmations as they can also create impression that someone can change their life without needing to deal with anything. This is not to say that these things can’t have a positive effect on one’s life; what it comes down to is that they can end up holding them back. What this shows is how important it is for one to pay attention to what is taking place within them, and to realise that they may be being driven by their need to avoid pain. As a result of this, they may find that even though they have moments when they will feel better, it won’t allow them to truly change their life.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
For some people, social media is seen as somewhere where they can express themselves and stay up to date with their ‘friends’. As a result of this, it fulfils their need to be seen and their need to connect.
And what is different about this is that one can fulfil these needs no matter where they are; there is then no reason for one to be in a certain place. For example, one could be somewhere where there is no one else around, and they could still fulfil their needs by going online. A Difference Based on this, it could be said that social media makes it easier for one to get certain needs met. So during those moments when they are unable to go out or want a boost, so to speak, they can simply go online. However, one could realise that they can’t replace the kinds of interactions that have offline with the ones they have online. Therefore, their time online will be a way for them to supplement what happens in the real world. Fast Food As if this wasn’t the case and they were to spend more time interacting online than they did offline, they may soon start to feel as though something isn’t right. Or more accurately, they may soon start to experience certain symptoms. This is because although they can believe that they are getting what they need, this is not going to be the complete truth. It is going to be similar to how one can believe that they are eating real food when they are eating fast food. The Real Thing In the same way that one is unlikely to feel nourished after eating this kind of food, one is also unlikely to feel the same way after using social media. What this comes down so is that one is talking to people over a screen, and this is clearly not the same as talking to them in person. For instance, if one was to receive a hug from someone online in the form of an emoticon, it is not going to have much of an effect on them. The only way it would truly have an effect on them is if they were to receive this hug in the real world. Part of Life Therefore, although social media can add a lot of value to one’s life, it can’t replace the face-to-face interactions that have taken place between people for thousand of years. And if one tries to go against their need to be around others, they will set themselves up to suffer unnecessarily. That this is not to say that one will realise what is taking place though, and this can then mean that they won’t be able to see why they feel as they do. But if they were able to step back, they may begin to see how social media is having a big effect on how they feel about themselves. Online However, regardless of how often one uses it; they can come across things that they don’t like. This could relate to a music video, or to an image that someone else has shared without asking them. Along with this, there could also be moments when one comes across something that they find offensive. When this takes place, it could be due to what they have seen on their own wall, or what they read underneath an article that is trending, for instance. Self-Reflection One could then take the time to reflect on why they are experiencing a strong reaction, and this will then allow them to tune into what is taking place in their mind and their body. Through doing this, one may find that something within them has been triggered. In this case, it could be a sign that it has caused them to get in touch with something that took place at some point in past. Through being aware of what has happened it will then enable them to take responsibility for how they feel. The Next Step It might then be necessary for one to talk to a friend about how they feel or they may even need to reach out for external, support. Yet they may find that they soon start to settle down once they realise why they have reacted in a certain way. There will then be no reason for them to do anything about what they have seen, and they can then carry on with their life. Alternatively, one could find that something has had an effect on them because it goes against their values. Speaking Up For example, one could come across a comment that shows that someone isn’t very tolerant when it comes to people who have a different sexual orientation, or that they don’t believe than men and women should be treated as equals. This could then mean that they will speak up and show why the other person has the wrong outlook. Still, this is not to say that they will resort to name calling, or that they will try to have the other person banned from using social media. It could then be said that one won’t try to take away the other person’s right to free speech. Another Experience When this happens, it could be said that one generally won’t try to stop other people form expressing their views. But while some people are like this, there are others who are not willing to take responsibility for how they feel. Thus, when they come across something that causes them to experience a strong reaction, they won’t take the time to reflect on what is taking place within them. In fact, they might not even have the ability to do this. Control Either way, one can then come to the conclusion that the other person has caused them to feel as they do, and this can then mean that they will try to have someone banned. Or if they don’t go this far, they could try to shame them. Through trying to tarnish the other person image, it can cause them to moderate what they say. The fear of what may happen to them or their career can then stop them form being able to express themselves. Conclusion It is often said that it is the government who controls people; however, it might be more accurate to say that people are controlled by each other. And social media gives people the opportunity to control what other people say. What this shows is how important it is for people to take responsibility for how they feel, as when one can’t do this it can be normal for them to try to control other people. In this sense, it is going to be a lot harder for free speech to exist when there are a lot of people who are mentally and emotionally undeveloped.
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When a relationship comes to an end it doesn’t mean that one will be willing to walk away. Instead, they may feel the need have the other person in their life again, and it might not be enough for them to see the other person from time to time.
One Reason This could then be a sign that they were with someone who they had a strong connection with. As a result of this, they are going to be in touch with how much of a positive effect the other person had on their life. They may find that they have never been with someone like this before, and it will then be important for them to do everything they can to revive the relationship. If this is the case, it could be said that it is only right for them to hold on. Regret The alternative would be for them to walk away, and to tell themselves that there is nothing they can do. This could then cause one to put their feelings to one side and to carry on as if nothing has happened. In the short-term they may find that they can do this, but then as time passes there is the chance that they will start to wonder why they didn’t do more. This can then mean that they will end up beating themselves up, and they could spend a lot of time thinking about how different their life could have been. The Next Step But once one has decided to do everything they can to have the other person in their life, they may find that they need to think about the next course of action. For instance, if the relationship ended on a bad note, they may need to think about what they need to say. As if they were to simply rush into something, they could end up making the situation even worse. The chance they had to revive the relationship could then have gone, and their inability to take their time will have caused them to sabotage themselves. Away What could make this even harder is if the person they were with has gone to another country for a short time. Now, one could then decide to call them up or to send them a message, however, this might not allow them to truly express themselves. Even so, they may just have to go along with it until they get the chance to speak to them in person. Yet while speaking to someone over the phone or over screen isn’t the ideal, it is how things often are in today’s world. The Priority But regardless of where they are in the world, they are only going to have one thing on their mind. So if they can’t talk to them in person (at least in the beginning), then it is unlikely that this will put them off. It might then be necessary for them to be patient and to see what happens, and this is because there is no guarantee that the other person will want to revive the relationship. It could then be said that it will be a good idea for one to bear this in mind as it can stop them from setting themselves up suffer unnecessarily. Another Scenario While one can want to revive a relationship that was having a positive effect on their life, they can also have the desire to revive a relationship that was having a negative effect on their life. Therefore, although it could be said that it is a good thing that it has come to an end, they are not going to see it that way. When they think about what the relationship was like, they could end up blocking out all the parts that were not healthy. Or if this doesn’t take place, they could they could downplay what took place. Pain What this can then show is that they are in a lot of pain, and this then stops them from having to face reality. The pain that they experience through being with the other person is then not going to be as bad as the pain they are experiencing through not being with them. One way of looking at this would be to say that their mind is trying to keep the pain that is in their body at bay. This takes place through creating an idealised version of what it was like, and through denying or minimising anything that invalidates their outlook. In Touch At the same time, one may have moments when they are aware of how dysfunctional the relationship was, and this could then cause them to be confused. Nevertheless, if they are in a lot of pain, it might not matter how aware they are of what is taking place within them. This is because their behaviour could end up being controlled by this pain, and it will then be normal for them to do things that are not in their best interest. Ergo, part of them may want to be back with them, and another part of them might not. A Deeper Look If one was able to take closer look at why they want to get back with the other person, they may find that it’s because they feel abandoned. Through feeling this way, they can feel as though they won’t be able to survive without the other person. Their need to revive the relationship is then a way for them to change how they feel, as opposed to the need to be with the other person. So if they were to no longer feel the same, they might soon lose the desire to be with them. Awareness This can show that one was abandoned during their early years, and this would have caused them to be overwhelmed. What took place will then have stayed within them, and until this changes, they will continue to be drawn to people who are not healthy. If one can relate to this and they want to change their life, it might be necessary for them to work with a therapist.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
If one was to think about how someone would behave if they don’t feel comfortable being seen, they might start to imagine someone who spends a lot of time by themselves. And this is because it will be a way for them to avoid attention.
It could then be said that they will have a good understanding of how they would behave, and this could be a sign that they have experienced life in this way in the past. At the same time, they may know someone who experiences life in this way. Out of Sight When one is not around others, the only person who will look at them will be themselves, and this will occur during the moments when they look in the mirror. As a result of this, they are going to end up experiencing a lot less pressure. If they were to spend time around others, it would be normal for them to end up feeling uncomfortable. So although the people around them might enjoy being around others, this is not going to be something that they can relate to. Unavoidable However, even though they won’t enjoy being around others, there are likely to be moments when they can’t avoid it. It then won’t matter how they feel as this will have to simply put up with it as best as they can. There is also the chance that one will have developed certain ways of dealing with these moments, and it could then be something that doesn’t have a big effect on their life. This could mean that one will end up wearing a mask during these instances. Examples For example, if one has a job where they have to be around others, it will be necessary for them to come out of hiding (at least physically). Yet even if this wasn’t the case, there would still be times when they would need to buy things. Also, one may go out to see their family and/or friends, and there could be moments when the go on holiday. Still, if one has a way of covering up how they feel it might not be possible for other people to realise what is taking place for them. A False-Self Another way of looking at this would be to say that one will have developed a false-self, and this can then allow them to fit in. But while this stops them from being able to be themselves around others, it can enable them to function in the world. Nevertheless, as one doesn’t want to be seen by others, this is unlikely to be something that concerns them. Ultimately, it will make it easier for them to be around others when they have to be around them, and that will be the only thing that matters. Conflict If they do have a problem with wearing a mask around others, it could be a sign that they are in touch with their true-self. On one side, they will have the need to hide from others, and on the other side, they will want to be seen by them. But as they spend more time by themselves than do with others, it is going to be clear what side is the strongest. And until this is no longer the case, they are going to continue to behave in the same way. One Way It could then be said that if one doesn’t want to be seen by others, they will spend a lot of time by themselves. Or if they do spend time around others, they will end up hiding behind some kind of role. Yet what this would overlook is how one can be in a position where they hide behind people instead. This doesn’t mean that they won’t spend a lot of time by themselves; what it means is that this could be something that rarely takes place. Another Form of Hiding One can then spend time around people who more or less completely overshadow them, and this is going to be what feels comfortable. When one is in their company, they could find that they spend most of their time listening to what the other person has to say. Thus, these people will end up getting their needs met and one’s needs will end up being overlooked. It might be accurate to say that these people won’t know who they are, and they probably won’t care either. Physically There From the outside it might seem as though one is there, but this is going to be nothing more than an illusion. As while one’s body will be there, what won’t be there is their presence, and this is because they will be out of touch with their true-self. How one comes across will be nothing more than a role that allows them to hide around other people. Some of the people they spend time with could also be playing a role; the difference could be that they have created a false-self that allows them to come across as though they have it all together. On The Bench These people could be seen as confident and they could be popular, and one will be there to give them even more energy. One could then be seen as an important friend due to the fact that they are not going to steal the limelight. If one was to reflect on how they experience life, they could see themselves as being on the substitute’s bench; the people around them will be on the pitch getting involved in the game. The trouble is that this is not a game that will soon come to an end; it is how they always experience life. A Deeper Look When one feels the need to hide in life, it is likely to be a sign that they are carrying toxic shame. This will cause them to feel completely worthless, and as they feel this way, they will need to stop other people from realising how flawed they are. As if they were to find out, they will believe that it will cause them to rejected and then abandoned. What this can show is that their early years were a time when they experienced some kind of abuse and/or neglect. Awareness So if one can relate to this and they want to move forward, they may need to reach out for the support of a therapist. This will allow them to deal with what is taking place in their mind and their body.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
Although some people feel comfortable with themselves, there are others who experience life differently. And it could be said that one will achieve more when they feel comfortable in their own skin, so to speak.
Based on this, if one doesn’t feel comfortable with themselves, it will then be normal for them to be in a position where they haven’t achieved very much. Yet while this can sound accurate, it doesn’t mean that this is always going to be the case. High Achievers What this comes down to is that one can end up using the pain that is within them to drive them forward. When this happens, one won’t allow how they feel about themselves to hold them back; they will use it to their advantage. As a result of this, they could end up achieving far more than someone that does feel comfortable with who they are. But if this pain was to disappear, their desire to achieve could soon start to settle down. Caught Up However, if one believes that they need to achieve things in order to be accepted by others, it is highly unlikely that they will be able to take a step back. Instead, one is likely to continue to behave in the same way. Even so, they are likely to find that they are unable to appreciate what they do achieve, and this is because they will feel the urge to achieve something else. This comes down to the fact that no matter what they achieve in the external world, it won’t change how they feel about themselves. Regulation In this sense, it could be said that one achieves things in order to regulate how they feel. Once they achieve something, they could feel as though they are enough, and then as time passes, their mental and emotional state could soon start to change. One could then end up being caught up in how they feel and the thoughts in their mind, or they could avoid what is taking place within them by taking action. It is then going to be as if one is stuck on a treadmill that they can’t get off. A Mask Still, there is the chance most of the people that they come into contact with wont even realise what is taking place. In their eyes, one could be seen as someone who is the epitome of success, and it will then be normal for them to see them as an example to follow. This could be a sign that some of these people don’t know much about them and/or it could show that they are also trying to run away from themselves. Either way, it is not going to be possible for them to see clearly. Another Experience Yet even though one can become a high achiever when they don’t feel comfortable with themselves, there is also the chance that this won’t take place. Now, this is not to say that they won’t be seen as successful; what it means is that their life won’t be defined by the need to achieve. Nevertheless, they are still likely to find it hard to accept what they do achieve, and they may be used to experiencing anxiety. The reason for this is that how they come across is likely to be completely different to how they feel on the inside. Being Exposed As although they can come across as though they are capable human beings, they are not going to feel like this on the inside. The reason they don’t feel comfortable with themselves can be because they feel worthless. This is why it won’t matter what they achieve externally, as it won’t change how they feel about themselves. Therefore, if they do experience anxiety, it can relate to what they believe would happen if people found about who they really are. Protection It is then going to be important for them to do everything they can to stop people from realising who they are. If they were to find out, one can believe that it will cause other people to reject and/or abandon them. Thus, due to what they believe would happen if other people were to find out who they are, it is to be expected that they would fear being exposed. The only way for them to be accepted will be to maintain a certain appearance. Relationships This is also likely to mean that their relationships are not going to be very fulfilling, as they will have to put on an act around other people. Their true-self will be in hiding, and what people will see is a false-self. But while this will lead to a lonely existence, it is going to be something that they believe they have to put up with. What this shows is that when one fears being exposed, it is likely to affect every area of their life. Identification One way of looking at this would be to say that one is unable to take a step back from what it taking place within them. This is then going to stop them from being able to see that there is nothing wrong with who they are. Having said that, even if one was able to take a step back it still doesn’t mean that they will be able to reveal themselves. What this can show is how strong this fear is, and how it might be necessary for them to reach out for support. The Reason If one was to look back on their life, they may find that their younger years were a time when they were not accepted by their caregiver/s. During these years, one may have been abused and/or neglected. This then caused them to believe that is something inherently wrong with them, and this would have meant that they experienced toxic shame. They would then have had no other choice than to create a false-self in order to be accepted by others. Awareness If one can relate to this and they want to move forward, they may need to work with a therapist. This will allow them to deal with what is taking place within them so that they can finally be themselves.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
If one was to think about what their friends are like, they could start to think about how they accept them for who they are. It is then not going to be necessary for them to play a role, and it could be said that this is how it should be.
The alternative would be for one to be in a position where they feel as though they need to behave in a certain way. As a result of this, it is not going to be possible for them to be themselves. Life-Denying One is then not going to be around people who accept them; they are going to be around people who only care about their own needs. Therefore, if one no longer behaved how they wanted them to behave, they might soon disappear. So even though one would have people in their life, it can be normal for them to feel cut-off from life. This is because the people around them won’t be able to acknowledge who they are really are, and this is going to lead a lonely existence. Part of Life However, while this will cause one to suffer, it doesn’t mean that they will do anything about what is taking place. As while this will cause them to experience pain, they could believe that it is just something they have to put up with. There is also the chance that one will be focused on doing everything they can to please other people. Therefore, even though they will experience pain, they will also have moments when they feel good. One Focus In fact, one could be completely out of touch with their own needs, and this means that they could ignore how they feel. Their sole focus will be to fulfil other people needs, and as long as they do this, they could believe that they are doing the right thing. It is then not going to matter how they are treated by others, and it will then be easy for other people to take advantage of them. This is not to say that these people will realise what is taking place, as they are going to be focused on their own needs. Easy Going Yet even if they were to reflect on how one behaves, they might not be able to see that anything is wrong. This is because one can come across as though they are only too happy to do what other people want. But even though this is not going to match up with how they truly feel at a deeper level, it doesn’t mean that they will be able to let other people know. If they were to do this, they might believe that it would cause them to be rejected or abandoned A Common Occurrence They will then have no other choice than to go along with what their friends want, and they will then end up neglecting their own life. Even so, this will allow one to keep their fiends happy, and it may even allow them to get some of their needs met from time to time. If one was to think about what their friendships are like, they might see that they always do what their friends want. It is then not something that happens every now and then, it takes place whenever they get together. One Step Back On the other hand, it might not even matter if one is with them, as it could take place over the phone, for instance. They could be asked if they would like to do something and without even thinking about whether they want to do it, they could say ‘yes’. One could also believe that this is how they are supposed to behave around their friends, and that it wouldn’t be right for them to say ‘no’. If they are unable to go along with what they want, it could cause them to be criticised in some way. Pressure This will then remind them that they are not allowed to pay attention to their own needs, and they could even end up experiencing anxiety. Along with being criticised, the other person could up getting extremely angry. One may then start to experience fear, but even if this doesn’t rake place, they could still feel guilty and ashamed. This can then make one do everything they can to please them once again. Back To Normal There is then the chance that their friend will be happy to spend time with them, and what took place could then be forgotten about. Having said that, they could bring it up from time to time and put them down. If this doesn’t happen, it could mean that they will ignore them for a short time, and then get back in touch with them once they have settled done. One could then be used to having a lot of ‘drama’ in their life. Stepping Back Now, no matter how long one has had friends who are like this, it doesn’t mean that they have to continue to experience life in this way. What this is likely to show is that one doesn’t value themselves, and until this changes, they will continue to tolerate people who only care about their own needs. This could be a sign that their childhood was a time when their needs were rarely, if ever, met, and this would have set them up to believe that other people’s needs are more important that their own. If they didn’t do what others wanted, they may have been neglected and/or abused. Awareness One would then have been trained from a young age to focus on other people and to ignore themselves. But while this may have been what allowed them to survive during the beginning of their life, it is now causing them to suffer unnecessarily. If one can relate this and they want to move forward, they may need to work with a therapist. This can then allow them to realise their value and to get in touch with their own needs, amongst other things.
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Although some people are in touch with their true-self, and allow their life to be influenced by it, there are others who experience life differently. As a result of this, it can mean that they are out of touch with who they are.
When one is in touch with their true-self, it is likely to mean that they will be aware of their needs and feelings, amongst other things. And through feeling comfortable enough to listen to what is going on within them, it allows them to express who they are. Authentic Life Through being able to experience life in this way, it is likely to mean that the people in their life will know who they are. Due to this, one won’t feel the need to put on an act around them, and this is going to be very fulfilling. There is also the chance that they will have a career that matches up what matters to them, or they will be working towards something that is in alignment with what they value. One could be working for someone else or self-employed, or they could be studying. Priority It could then be said that as one is able to be themselves in life, they are not going to be focused on pleasing other people. This is not to say that they will go out of their way to displease them; what it comes down to is that they won’t give their power away. Now, this is also doesn’t mean that one will only think about themselves. For one thing, there is a strong chance that when they fulfil their needs, it will have a positive effect on other people. For Example When it comes to the kind of profession they have, they are bound to be making a difference in others people’s lives. Thus, even though they are putting their needs first, it still allows them to be there for others. And as they are doing something that is important to them, they are likely to completely commit to it. This can then mean that the people they assist will be only too happy with what they offer. Two Sides There is not just going to be how this benefits one’s life; there will be how it benefits other people’s lives. It could then be said that one will be doing what they came here to do, and this will shine through. However, this doesn’t mean that one will always be happy or what they won’t have any ‘bad’ days, what it means that they will be on the right track. One may have experienced life in this way for as long as they can remember, or it may be how their life has been for a short while. Alternatively Yet while some people are going to experience life in this way, there are going to be others who are having a different experience. This will then mean that they are going to be out of touch with their true-self, or they might not be possible for them to express who they are. Either way, ones life is not going to be a reflection of who they are, and this is going to mean that they will have developed a false-self. This will be something that allows them to function in the world. Two Ways On one side, this can mean that one will come across as though they are not very confident, and on the other side, they could come across as though they are full of confidence. If they can identify with the former, it could mean that they haven’t achieved very much. But if they can relate to the latter, it can mean that they have achieved a lot, and they could be perceived as being extremely successful. In this case, it could mean that other people won’t always realise something isn’t right. A Role Model In fact, there could be plenty of people that look up to them, and one could then be a role model. It could be said that this is to be expected; especially as so many people want to be successful in today’s world. On the other hand, when one hasn’t got a lot going on in their life, for instance, there could be people who describe them as having low self-esteem. There could then be people who encourage them to go after their dreams, or to believe in themselves. Hidden But even if one is perceived as a success in the eyes of others, it is still going to be a challenge for them to experience true fulfilment. When one’s life is not a reflection of their true-self, they are likely to be focused on pleasing other people. This is not to say that they don’t want to reveal who they are (that’s if they are aware of their true feelings and needs); what it comes down to is that they are not going to feel comfortable doing it. They could believe that the reason they have to hide who they are is because there is something wrong with them. Worthless At a deeper level they could feel completely worthless, and it is then going to be necessary for them to create an identity that other people will approve of. For if they were to see who they really are, one can believe that it would cause other people to reject and/or abandon them. It then won’t matter how much this causes them to suffer, as one will be in a position where they will believe that there is nothing they can do. One will then have to continue to experience life in the same way. A Deeper Look When one believes that they have to hide who they are in order to be accepted by others, it can due to what took place during their childhood years. This could have been a time when they experienced some kind of abuse and/or neglect. These experiences would then have set one up to believe that they are inherently flawed, and they would have had no other choice than to hide their true-self. At this time, it would have allowed them to survive a dysfunctional environment, but as time has passed, it will have caused them to suffer unnecessarily. Awareness Ultimately, there is nothing wrong with ones true-self, and order of them to realise this, they may need to work with a therapist. This can be a time where they will be questioning what they believe and dealing with what is taking place in their body.
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If someone was to think about what their friends are like, they may start to think about how supportive they are. These are then going to be the kind of people who are life-affirming, and it could then be said that that they have the right people in their life.
Two Experiences On one hand, they may have experienced life like this for as long as they can remember, and on the other hand, this might not be the case. If they can relate to the former, then one may simply take it for granted. Where if they have experience life differently, they might be only too aware of how fortunate they are. This is not to say that they just woke up one day and their life had changed, as there is the chance that they had to put a lot of work in. Another Outlook Having said that, even if one has more or less always experienced life in this way, it doesn’t mean that they don’t feel grateful for how their life is. They could spend a lot of time thinking about this, and they could also let the people around them know how they feel on a regular basis. Along with this, even if one hasn’t experienced life in this way for very long, it doesnt mean that they are still in touch with how their life used to be. In this case, one could be in a position where they take their friends for granted. Support Yet regardless of what goes through their mind, they are going to be around people that want the best for them. Their intentions are going to be clear, and they are then not going to have the need to undermine them. Now, this is not to say that they won’t experience conflict, but this is likely to be resolved in a conscious manner. There will then be no need for one person to blame the other, and this should mean that there won’t be any unnecessary drama. Growth When they get together, this could be a time where they find out about each other’s life, and they could open up about what it taking place at a deeper level. Through opening up on more than one level, it will allow them to experience a deeper connection. This can then mean that one will grow through spending time with these people; just as the people they spend time with should also grow. Thus, there could be moments when they press each other’s buttons, so to speak. Self-Awareness However, as long as they are able to take responsibility to for what is taking place within them, this shouldn’t be a problem. Through being this way, it will allow them to work through what comes up. There will then be no reason to project what is taking place for them onto the other, and this could even bring them closer together. It could then be said that one will have relationships with others that will allow them to heal themselves. Another Dynamic But while one might be able to relate to the above, there is also the chance that they can’t. This could mean that they are surrounded by people who are highly critical, or they could have one person in their life that is like this. Yet even though this could be the case, it doesn’t mean that one will also be able to realise what it taking place. And this is because they could do it in a way that creates the impression that they have their best interests at heart. Genuine Concern As a result of this, one could end up feeling down and they won’t know why they feel this way. But, even if one was to point out what is taking place, there is a strong chance that their words would end up being dismissed. In fact, this could give the other person another chance to put them down, and this could cause one to feel even worse. The other person could say that they are trying to help them, or that one is too sensitive, for instance. Out of Touch What this can then show is that they are out of touch with what is taking place within them, and until this changes, one is unlikely to change their behaviour. If they were to reflect on their own behaviour, they could believe that they are not going anything wrong. When one believes that they criticise others to help them, their behaviour could be seen as something positive. On the other hand, when they simply criticise others for the sake of it, they might believe that other people are incapable. Superior This is not to say that someone wont have this outlook when they seen themselves as trying to help others; what it means is that they might not be interested in helping them. The only thing on their mind could be to bring people down. A Deeper Look Nevertheless, when someone behaves in this way, there is the chance that they don’t feel good about themselves. But if one does feel good about themselves, it could be a sign that they have disconnected from how they feel at a deeper level. What they criticise in others can be what they are not willing to face within themselves, and through putting other people down, it stops them from having to face themselves. Along with this, it will allow them to elevate themselves to a superior position. Even Deeper If this is the case, then there is the chance that something has happened at one point in their life in order to for them to be this way. This could be due to what took place during their early years. At this time in their life, they may have experienced some kind of abuse and/or neglect, and this would have caused them to feel worthless. This would then have stopped them from getting what they needed in order to develop self-worth, amongst other things. Pain Through being treated in this way it can be normal for them to carry a lot of pain within them. If their caregiver was able to realise that what they were doing was wrong or one had worked through their pain with a therapist, for instance, then this pain wouldn’t be there. But as this hasn’t taken place and how they felt when they were taken advantage is still within them, it is bound to come out in ways that are destructive. When one is not aware of this pain and it ends up controlling their behaviour, it can cause them to abuse others. Indirect Revenge So when one criticises others, it can allow them to express what they would have liked to have expressed to their abusive caregiver/s. The difference is that while they may not have felt safe enough to do this when they were younger, this is no longer the case. The wounded part of them that feels powerless will then be put to one side and they will end up identifying with their perpetrator. One will then lose themselves (that’s if they have found themselves to begin with) and treat others in a way that is similar to how they were treated. Awareness Unless one realises what is taking place, they will continue to behave in this way, and this is because it allows them to change how they feel about themselves. It is then going to be important one to develop self awareness, as this will allow them to see why they behave in this way. This is something that can take place with the assistance of a therapist, and they can also allow them to work through the pain that is within them.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk While one can share their life with people who support them, they can also be in a different position. As a result of this, the people they are closest to could be the ones who hold them back. The Ideal When one has people around them are able to support them, their life is going to be far more fulfilling. There is a strong chance that they will feel good when they are in their presence, and it could make it easier for them to move forward in life. And as they act in a supportive manner towards them, there might be no reason for them to hold anything back. Or if they do, it could be something that rarely takes place, and this is going to allow them to have a strong connection with these people. A Richer Life There will then be how they feel when they spend time with them, and the effect these people have on their life in general. It could be said that their life wouldn’t be the same without these people. Now, this is not to say that they are ‘dependent’ on them; what it comes down to is that human beings are interdependent. Thus, while one could survive without these kinds of connections, their life wouldn’t be the same. Time One may have had some of these people in their life for a number of years, while there could be others who haven’t been around for very long. This will then show that it is not always necessary for one to have known someone for a long time to have a strong connection with them. They may have met some of these people whilst they were at school or college, or it could have been when they were at work, for instance. There is also the chance that they came into contact with some of them when they were out socialising. A Connection It could then be said that if one has a connection with someone, it doesn’t matter where they are. The main thing is that they get on, and this can then be enough for them to develop a relationship with each other. The effort that each person puts into the relationship will then be what keeps it alive and what allows it to grow. If they didn’t put this effort in, their connection would soon come to an end, or it might be kept alive through what one person does. Out of Balance However, even though this might just about keep the relationships alive, it is unlikely to be a relationship that is very fulfilling. One person will be happy for it to end and the other will be doing everything they can to keep it going. When this occurs, it could be said that it might be in their best interest to let the relationship come to an end. Through doing this, it will enable them to put their energy into a relationship that will have a positive effect on their life. Another Experience Nevertheless, while one can be in a position where they have friends who support, they could have people around them who make their life harder than it needs to be. Or they could have at least one person who does this. One could then think about how they don’t need to have an enemy when they have these kinds of people around them. Still, this is not to say that it is always possible for one to realise when they are being brought down them. Abuse For example, one could spend time around people who are abusive, and it is then likely to be only too clear. These people could verbally abuse them, or even physically harm them, and this will make it hard for them to feel good about themselves. When they are around them they will be worn down, and then when they are by themselves, they will be caught up in the effects of what took place. And if this is how they have been treated by people for as longer as they can remember, they might not longer notice what is taking place. Another Approach This kind of behaviour can then be what be what they are accustomed to, and this will make it a lot easier for other people to treat them badly. But if one doesn’t have people in their life who are abuse them in this way, it could mean that they have a more subtle approach. In this case, one could be treated as though they are incapable, and this means that they are going to be undermined. Someone could act as though they have ones beast interests at heart, but this will be nothing more than an illusion. Unstable Foundations What this is likely to show is that this is someone who is not very comfortable with who they are, and in order for them to feel good about themselves, they need to keep other people down. Through doing this, it stops them from having to face how they feel; this is why they can’t allow the people in their life to rise up. Now, this is not to say that they will realise this, as it could be something that they are not even aware of. Even so, it is still going to be something that not only has a big effect on their life, but something that has a big effect on the people they spend time with. Awareness If one is used to having people in their life who undermine them, then it is likely to be a sign that they don’t value themselves. It is then going to be important for them to change how they see themselves. This is something that can take place with the assistance of a therapist.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk |
Oliver JR CooperAuthor of 26 books, Transformational Writer, Teacher & Consultant. Introductory Consultation
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Disclaimer
That which is contained within these articles is based on my own empirical understanding and is true for me at the time they were written. However, as I continue to grow, what I perceive as the truth will inevitably change and as a result of this - parts of these articles may not reflect my current outlook.
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