If one is in a position where their romantic relationships have not been very fulfilling, what they may find is that it’s because they have the inclination to end up with people who are anything but reliable and consistent. If so, this will mean that they have been with a number of people who are hot one minute and cold the next.
Being with someone like this is likely to take a lot out of them and it could be hard for them to focus on other areas of their life. After having thought about how destructive it is, one may wonder what they can do to change this area of their life. One Possibility What they could do is look into what they can do to find someone who is different. If this takes place, it could show that one believes that they simply haven’t found the right person to share their life with. One is then going to need to get lucky as there will very little else that they can do to change their life. They may believe that if they go out at the right time or sign up to a dating app, they will finally meet someone who is different. The Same Old Story After a few weeks or months, one could meet someone and this person might appear to be different to all the others. However, it could soon become clear that this person is no different to any of the other people that they have been with. One could then end up seeing themselves as a victim and feel very low as a result. Something or someone out there will then be preventing them from changing this area of their life. Stuck Conversely, one may find that even though they are with someone who is unreliable and inconsistent, it is not possible for them to cut their ties with them. One will then be with someone who they don’t want to be with, but they won’t be able to walk away. Something inside them is going to be keeping them there, causing them to suffer in the process. What this shows is that one is going to be experiencing inner conflict, and the part of them that wants to walk away is not going to be the strongest part. A Strange Scenario One is was able to take a step back and to reflect on what is going on, they may struggle to understand why one part of them would feel comfortable in a relationship like this. Intellectually, it will be clear that being with this person is not serving them. To the emotional part of them, however, being with someone like this is going to be something that feels safe. This will prove to them that the emotional part of their being is far stronger than the mental part. What is going on? The reason why one part of them can want be with someone who is healthy and another part of them doesn’t can be due to what took place at the beginning of their life. This may have been a stage of their life when they were brought up by people who were also unreliable and inconsistent. As a result of this, one wouldn’t have the received the type of care that they need to be able to develop in the right way. Ultimately, their caregiver/s would have conditioned them to feel comfortable with someone who is unable to truly be there for them. A Painful Time So in the same way that they won’t where they stand when they are in a relationship; they wouldn’t have known where they stood with one or both of their caregivers. One moment they may have been there for them, while the next moment they might have disappeared. It may have been common for promises to be made, only for these promises to rarely be kept. This wouldn’t have been a good for their development but there wouldn’t have been anything that they could have done about it. A Dysfunctional Meaning Being treated in this way day after day, year after year, would have caused their mind to associate this type of behaviour as love. To their unconscious mind, then, being with someone who reminds them of how they were treated as a child is going to be what feels normal. With this in mind, what is taking place at a deeper level will need to change if they no longer want to be drawn to the same people. These early experiences may have also set them up to believe that they are unlovable. Awareness If one can relate to this, and they want to change this area of their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided by the assistance of a therapist or a healer. During this time, one will probably need to question the beliefs that they have formed and they may be carrying emotional wounds that need to be healed. Transforming this area of their life won’t happen overnight, yet it will happen as long as they are patient and persistent.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
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It has been said that a key part of someone being able to function at their best is for them to have fulfilling relationships. And, as they are an interdependent human being, this is not exactly a shock.
Taking this into account, it will be vital for one to have strong bonds with others if they want to be at their best. This doesn’t mean that they will need to have an army of people around them, though. Quality over Quantity Having a hand full of good people in their life is going to be far better than having dozens and dozens of people who they are not really close to. So by having a hand full of people in their life that they are close to, they will be far stronger than they would be otherwise. These will be the type of people that they can be themselves around, with their being no need for them to put on an act. Additionally, there will be the support that these people give them. Both Ways These people are also likely to have the same experience, as one will also allow these people to be real and they will be supportive. If this didn’t take place, their relationships would be out of balance. One would be receiving something that they are not repapered to give, and this would probably create resentment. Fortunately, they will realise how important it is for them to be the type of person who they want in their life. Another Benefit Through having a strong support network, it should also be easier for them to handle a break up. All of their eggs won’t be in one basket, so to speak, making it easier for them to get back on their feet after. If they are in a relationship, then, they won’t look towards their partner to fulfil all of their needs. There will be a number of other people that can be there for them, which will take a lot of pressure of their primary relationship. Alone Time Along with the time that one spends with others could be the time that they spend in their own company. Being able to enjoy their own company will also have a positive effect on their relationships. The reason for this is that they won’t have to spend tine with someone in order to feel good or whole. If this wasn’t the case, it would be harder for them to walk away from a relationship that doesn’t serve them and they would expect a lot from others. A Different Reality However, while some people will have close bonds with others and feel comfortable experiencing life in this way, there will be others that don’t. For someone like this, keeping people at a distance will be what feels comfortable. This doesn’t mean that they won’t ever let anyone get close to them; what it means is that they won’t let anyone get close for very long. Another person can then get close to them and out of nowhere; one will end up pulling away. Confusion When this takes place, one could stop replying to another person’s messages and no longer answer their calls. Or if they do answer their messages, one could tell them that they are too busy to see them. At one point one will have been warm and available and, at another, they will be cold and unavailable. The other person could wonder what they have done wrong, believing that they are the reason why one has pulled away. Protection The person who they have pulled away from can them feel rejected, causing them to feel down. If this person is carrying emotional wounds to do with being rejected and even abandoned, it could take them a while to recover. But, although one could feel rejected and end up getting caught up in what is going on for them, there could be far more to it. The reason one rejected them could be because they themselves don’t want to be rejected. An Unconscious Process Without realising it, one could have pushed them away as a way to stop the other person from rejecting them. One would have believed that this was going to happen, so they made the first move. Deep down, one can believe that there is something inherently wrong with them, which is why they don’t deserve to have people in their life that care about them. Through believing this, they will believe that another person would reject them as soon as they found out the truth about them. The Cause What this may show is that their early years were a time when they were abused and/or neglected. How they were treated would have been seen as a sign of their value as opposed to a reflection of how wounded their caregiver/s were. This is a natural consequence of being egocentric and not having the ability to reflect at this stage of their life. The messages that they picked up and the beliefs that they formed at this stage of their life would then have gone on to define how they saw themselves and others. Awareness If one can relate to this, and they want to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can take place with the assistance of a therapist or a healer.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
If one has just gone through a break up, they may find that it is hard for them to focus on other areas of their life. Due to how much pain they are in, everything else could fade into the background.
Perhaps they were with someone for a long time and they may have even had a strong connection with them. Therefore, now that the relationship has come to an end, it is going to be normal for them to be in pain. Death What they are going through can be very similar to what they would go through if another person had passed on. Their ex won’t have passed on but what they had to together will no longer exist. This shows that it doesn’t matter if another person has passed on or if they have just gone from one’s life; it is still going to be experienced as a loss. In both cases, their life will never be the same again. A Gradual Process However, providing that one allows themselves to grieve and to work through how they feel, they should be able to rise up once again. As the weeks and months go by, they may find that they start to feel better. What had faded into the background at the beginning can then end up coming back into their life. Thus, the things that they lost interest in can soon be things that they enjoy doing again. External Support Another thing that will be important will be for them to make sure that they have the right people around them during this time. This will be people that show them support and encouragement. Along with this, doing things with these people that will give them a break from what is taking place. If one was their own island, they would be able to rise up again with the support of anyone else. A Distant Memory There can soon come a time when they will look back on what took place and it will be as though they are just remembering something that they saw on TV. There will then be emotions that arise within them, but these emotions won’t wipe them out. When they get to this point, they may see that while this point in their life was tough, it allowed them to grow. There may be a number of different things that they learnt, and they may have even ended up meeting someone who is a better match. The Ideal One way of looking at the scenario above would be to say that this is what someone would hope would happen if they were to go through a break up. They might not want to experience pain when a relationships ends, yet they would definitely want to be able to carry on with their life as time passes. Nonetheless, this is not going to be what happens to everyone. For some people, a break up can result in them experiencing a hell of a lot of pain and this pain might not subside over time. Two Extremes Unlike the person above, someone like this can experience a deep sense of loss but this might not be as far as it will go. In addition to feeling sad and even hopeless, they could end up feeling suicidal. Their inner world is going to be in complete disarray, and it could feel as though their whole world has come to an end. Their reason for being alive will have gone, taking away their reason for getting out of bed. Down, Right Down From the outside one will look like a whole human being, yet on the inside, they will feel anything but whole. Like a small boat on the ocean, there will be nothing to stabilise their thoughts and feelings. Before they were in the relationship they may have generally been fine, making it hard for them to understand why they are in such a mess. That is, of course, if they are able to even think clearly at this stage of their life. One Reason What this may show is that they didn’t receive the kind of care that they needed as a child in order to develop a strong core/sense of self. Instead, this would have been a time when they were neglected. So, now that the attachment that they formed has come to an end, it will have brought up all of the pain that they experienced during this stage of their life. And as it is painful for them to experience this pain now, it will give them an understanding of how painful it must have been for them as a child. No Foundations Another way of looking at what happened would be to say that one will be like a house that has been built on sound. If they had received the right care, they would be a house that has strong foundations. Through having strong foundations, the emotional strength inside them would make it easier for them to handle what took place. This is why childhood neglect does so much damage as the strong foundations that one needs to be able to handle life as an adult don’t form; one just ends up with layers and layers of trauma and even brain damage. Awareness If one can relate to this, and they want to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided by the assistance of a therapist or a healer. Working with someone like this can allow them to go where they wouldn’t go by themselves. The presence that is provided by someone like this will make it easier for them to face how they feel and to work though their pain.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
If someone was to reflect on their own behaviour, they may see that they generally act in an authentic manner. Therefore, irrespective of whether they are with their friends or are around people they don’t know very well, they won’t put on an act.
What this is going to show is that one will typically show up in life, which means that the people in their life will know who they are. Consequently, the people in their life are going to be there because they actually like who one is. Nourishing Relationships Through revealing who they really are to the people in their life, their relationships are likely to be far more fulfilling than they would be otherwise. There will be no need for them to hide certain parts of themselves. So when they are around others, they will probably find that they are able to relax and to just be. Naturally, if they didn’t feel comfortable in their own skin, it would be a lot harder for them to do this. Two Components One may have experienced life in this way for a few years or this could be how their life has been for as long as they can remember. Yet, no matter how long this has been going on for, there are likely to be at least two reasons as to why their life is this way. Firstly, there is going to be the view that they have of themselves, and secondly, there is going to be how they feel in their body. When it comes to how they see themselves, one is likely to see themselves as someone who is valuable, and, when it comes to how they feel in their body, one is likely to feel safe. The Two Keys By having these two components in place, they will be able to express who they are in the world. It won’t be that they are more valuable than others; it will be that they are just as valuable as anyone else. And as they also feel safe enough to express who they are, who they are will see the light of day. If this second component wasn’t in place, it would be a lot harder for them to reveal who they are to others. Strong Foundations Thus, if one was to end up in a relationship where it wasn’t possible for them to reveal themselves, they would know that they don’t deserve to experience life in this way. This wouldn’t feel safe either, which is why they would be able to cut their ties and to move on. Listening to themselves is going to be their priority, not listening to others and neglecting themselves in the process. It could be said that this is what ‘self-love is all about’ - treating oneself with respect. A Different Reality For some people, the scenario above will be something that they can relate to; for others, it won’t be. When someone is unable to relate to the above, they are going to be used to hiding who they are. It probably won’t matter if they are with their friends or around strangers as they will still put on an act. The people who they spend most of their time with are then not going to know who they really are. Both Ways These people might not experience life differently, however, as they could also put on an act. If this is so, one will be hiding behind a mask and the people they spend time will also be hiding behind a mask, which will stop them from being able to deeply connect to each other. When one is around another person their body will be there, but the rest of them won’t be there. Their true feelings and needs will end up being hidden, causing them to neglect themselves. An Empty Existence Behaving in this way may allow them to receive a fair amount of approval but it won’t do much else. Due to this, there can be moments in their life when they feel angry, frustrated and down. If they are able to make the connection, they might look into what they can do to change their life. If not, they could just look for a way to disconnect from the pain that is inside them. Protection The trouble with this approach is that it will stop them from being able to make the changes that they need to make to create a life that is worth living. If they were to look into why they hide who they are, they might find that they do this to avoid being rejected. What this could show is that they believe that there is something inherently wrong with who they are, with this being the reason why they would be rejected if they revealed their true-self to others. Hiding who they are is going to be seen as the only way for them to avoid being cast aside and for their time on this earth to come to an end. A Closer Look Now, it could be said that being rejected is part of life and that, even if someone was to reject who they are, it is unlikely that they would die. Still, thanks to what is taking place inside them, it is not possible for them to accept this. Intellectually, one might be able to accept this, but at an emotional level, this is not going to sink in. To this part of them, hiding who they are is going to be something that they have to do to survive. Back In Time What this may illustrate is that their early years were a time when their caregiver/s generally ignored their needs and feelings. From day one, one would have had to put on an act in order to survive. This would have set them up to believe that was something inherently wrong with their true-self. Not only this, revealing who they were would have increased their chances of being rejected and even abandoned. Powerless At this stage of their life, being left would have felt as though their life was going to come to an end. They wouldn’t have been able to handle their emotions and there wouldn’t have been anyone there to sooth them. One is no longer going to be a child but the beliefs that they formed and the trauma that they experienced during this time will have remained inside them. The reason for this is that time alone won’t heal what took place. Awareness If one can relate to this, and they want to change their life, they may need to reach out for external assistance. This is something that can be provided by a therapist or a healer.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
One thing that someone may find is that even though they want to achieve something, it doesn’t mean that they have been able to make any progress. It could seem as though what they want to achieve is out of their reach.
Perhaps they have been trying to achieve something for months or maybe this has been going on for many years. Either way, experiencing life in this way is likely to be incredibly frustrating. For Example One may have the desire to have a relationship with someone who is emotionally unavailable and/or they might want to move forward in their career. Being stuck when it comes to one area of their life will be enough, let alone being stuck in two areas. There may even be many other areas of their life that are not working; in this case, their whole life will have come to a standstill. They will then have the need to change their whole life, but this won’t have been possible so far. External Feedback If one was to open up to a friend about what is going on for them, they may end up being told that that they need to work on their self-esteem. The reason why they haven’t been able to move forward will be due to the fact that they don’t value themselves. Therefore, once they start to increase their self-esteem, they will gradually be able to move forward. One could accept this, believing that this is what they need to work on to be able to change their life. Going Up What one could then do is to look into what they need to do to increase their self-esteem. This could be a time when they will use affirmations and focus on their good traits, among other things. After using these for a little while, one may find that they start to feel better about themselves. At the same time, one may find that even though they feel better about themselves, their life still doesn’t change. Going Down If this was to take place, it is not going to be much of a surprise if one ends up seeing themselves as a victim. They will have done the right thing by increasing their self-esteem and yet, their life will be no different. If one saw themselves as a victim before they took this route, they could go even further into this experience. Still, feeling helpless, hopeless and powerless, for instance, is going to be normal if one believes that they have no control over their life. Beyond The Story One could end up opening up to another friend about what they are going through and this friend could come out with something very different. They could say that another part of their being might not want their life. They could make it clear that while there is one physical part of them, there is more than one part of them when it comes to their inner self. One is then going to be aware of the part that wants to move forward, but they won’t be aware of the part that doesn’t. Confusion Upon hearing this, one could end up dismissing what their friend has come out with. One might believe that this friend doesn’t know what they are talking about; if anything, they are delusional. Then again, one may find that they can relate to what their friend has said, with them being aware of another part of them that doesn’t want to move forward. This part of them can then be what is stopping them from transforming their life. A Deeper Look If they were to surrender to this part of them and to get in touch with how they feel, they may find that they no longer feel like an adult. It could be as if they have regressed to an earlier stage of their life. Another way of looking at this would be to say that they are in touch with their inner child. Many, many years may have passed since they were a small child, but the small child that they once were will live within them. A Different Experience To the adult part of them, moving forward will be seen as something positive, but to the child part of them, moving forward will be seen as something negative. The child part of them could believe that their life would end up if anything was to change. What this could illustrate is that one’s early years were a time when they were abused and/or neglected. Not only would this have traumatised them, it would have also stopped them from being able to develop a sense of safety and trust. One Need Experiencing life in the same way is going to cause their adult self to suffer, but it will be what feels safe to their child self. The former will do what it can to change their life, while the latter will do what it can to keep it the same. And what will be perfectly clear to them at this point, is that their child self has far more control than their adult self. Their child self will need to be on board with the changes that their adult self wants to make. Awareness The child part of them will most likely have a lot to say and it can carry a lot of pain that needs to be cried out. This is something that can take place with the assistance of a therapist or a healer. Someone like this will hold the space so that one can go where they wouldn’t go by themselves. The truth is that the child part of them is not their enemy; it simply needs to be understood and gradually integrated into the rest of their being.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
Whenever someone spends time on social media, they could end up looking through what their friends have been doing. Furthermore, they could look into what certain celebrities have been doing.
When this takes place, there could be times when they end up feeling happy and times when they end up feeling sad. There could also be a number of other emotional states that they go into when they look over what other people have been doing. One Reason Now, if one of their friends was to share a happy picture of themselves or some good news, it could result in them also feeling good. If the opposite took place, one could end up feeling bad. What this could illustrate is that this is someone who they are really close to. Then again, one could just be someone who has a lot of empathy, which is why they have the tendency to experience strong emotions when go online. Pulled In Another reason why one could experience a strong reaction when they see what another person has been doing is because they have made a comparison. If one believes that their life is better than one of their friends, they could feel good; but if they don’t, they could feel bad. They might not simply compare their life with other people’s lives, though; they could also compare their appearance with them too. If this was to take place, it is likely to show that one looks to what is going on ‘out there’ to gauge how well they are doing in life. A Losing Battle The trouble with this approach is that one didn’t start from the same point as anyone else, and they are on their own path in life. Taking this into account, it would be far healthier for them to compare themselves with where they started. By looking back on their own timeline and seeing where they started from, they will be able to accurately assess how well they are doing. When one compares their life with someone else’s life, it will be similar to a dog comparing their life with a horse. A Waste of Time What will have most likely played a part in why one would compare their life with someone else’s life is the conditioning that they have received throughout their life. Their time in the school system, for instance, will have most likely played a big part. This would have probably been a time when they were just seen as another child who needed to be educated, as opposed to a child that already had knowledge within them. But if they were taught by people that had also gone though the same programming, this is to be expected. An Illusion At the same time, even if one did start off at the same starting point as everyone else and was also on the same path, it still doesn’t mean that it would be a good idea for them to compare their life with others online. The reason for this is that what they see online might have very little basis in reality. One can then believe that one of their friends is doing really well, yet it doesn’t mean that this is actually the case. In the same way that someone can edit their pictures to make themselves look perfect; they can also edit their life to create the impression that everything is perfect. Effortless Just as a house can look great on the outside but be in complete mess on the inside, someone life’s can also be the same. It is not as though it is hard for someone to make out that their life is perfect online. To create this impression, the only thing that they need to do is to upload pictures where they are on holiday and are smiling. The areas of their life that are not going well can be kept offline. No Better Off One can then compare their life with someone else’s life, believing that this person’s life is better than theirs, and the other person could be in a very bad place. This person could even be looking at what one has been doing and wish that their life was like theirs. But even though this person’s life is not going well, they might be too ashamed to open up to anyone about it. Their need to maintain the image that they have created is going to be more important than their own happiness. A Big Trap What this shows is that not only can one suffer if they get too caught up in what they see online; they can also suffer if they use social media to try to make out that their life is perfect. One way for one to stop themselves from getting too sucked into what they see, is for them to think about what they are not seeing. Ultimately, no matter how good someone’s life is, there are bound to be things that they are not happy with. Everyone on this planet has stuff to deal with, and even if someone is rich, famous and talented, it doesn’t mean that they don’t have problems. Conclusion If one finds that they are not happy with the direction that their life is going, it will be a good idea for them to look into what they can do to get back on track. The time and energy that goes into comparing their life with others can be directed towards their own growth. They owe it to themselves to live a life that is fulfilling, so fulfilling that they no longer need to compare their life with the edited lives that they see online. There is plenty of information online when it comes to what they can do to transform their life.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk Critical Thinking: Does The Establishment Want People To Have An External Locus Of Control?22/7/2019
One thing that the mainstream media likes to do is to give exposure to the bad things that happen in the world. It can seem as though the events that they cover are chosen randomly, but they are generally events that play into a certain narrative.
Anyway, a lot of what they cover relates to situations where someone has been harmed by another person. When this takes place, they will usually make out that this is something that just happened. Black and White One person will then be a victim and the other person will be a perpetrator. The person who was harmed will be portrayed as powerless, and what this can also do is have an impact on have the viewer/reader sees themselves. If, for example, someone was to hear stories like this on a daily basis, and for many years, it is not going to be a surprise if they believe that they have very little control over what happens to them. The people ‘out there’ will be the ones that have control over their life. Another Realm Something else that the media likes to do, along with different people in political arena, is to make out that people that have a certain skin colour, belong to a certain gender or are part of a religious leaning, for instance, are holding certain people back. Once again, a victim-perpetrator dynamic will be created, creating the impression that certain people ‘out there’ have control over other people. After being exposed to this message, someone can believe that they have no control over their life. Thus, whenever something doesn’t go to plain their life, it will be because of what a certain group of people are doing to keep them down. A Different Outcome When someone is conditioned to believe they are inherently vulnerable and they could be attacked or killed at any moment, it is not going to be good for their wellbeing. Still, having this outlook won’t necessarily set them up to see a certain type of people as their enemy. When someone is conditioned to believe that they have no control over their life due to what certain people are doing, it is also not going to be good for their wellbeing. However, what will be different here is that it will most likely set them up to see certain people as their enemy. Two Birds with One Stone With this approach, then, not only can the people behind the scenes, so to speak, gradually diminish someone’s sense of personal power; they can also set them up to see some of their fellow human beings as adversaries. So instead of being able to see beyond another person’s skin colour or their religious stance, for instance, they will have already put them in a box. Naturally, the more people that are conditioned in this manner, the more people there will be that have a victim mentality and the more conflict there will be, too. As a result of this, a number of these people can looks towards someone ‘out there’ to make their life better. What’s The Agenda? Now, if someone is not interested in feeling powerless and is not interested in drama either, they are going to reject what these sources are trying to sell them. Someone like this might not even follow the mainstream media or politics. Thanks to how they experience life, they might wonder why anyone would want to conditioned people to see themselves as victims or to encourage them to fight with their fellow humans beings. If they were to reflect on this, they may come to the conclusion that this is because it is easier to control people that feel powerless and are divided. A Parent-Child Relationship Through conditioning a large part of the citizenry to be dependent on external sources, they are not going to be a threat. This is then no different to how a small child is not going to be a threat to its parents. These people won’t be small children, of course, but they will the mental and emotional age of children. As a result of this, they will be easily lead and they won’t resist what their surrogate ‘parents’ wont them to do. Energy Vampires One way of looking at the people behind the scenes would be to say that they have lost touch with their true essence and are therefore, completely indentified with their ego. This means that they will see themselves as being the centre of the universe as opposed to another part of it. Another consequence of this disconnection is that they won’t be able to source anything from within, which is why they will need to control the planet and everyone on it. Said another way, they will be empty vessels. The Antidote So, if someone has swallowed what these sources have come out with and believes that they have no control over their life, it will show that they have developed an external locus of control. If they want to embrace the power that is within them, they will need to develop an internal locus of control. This will gradually allow them to let go of their victim mentality and it will stop them from seeing certain people as their enemies/oppressors. It can take a while for this to take place, but their life will be far more fulfilling once they have changed their outlook. Conclusion In this case, the antidote is for someone to realise that they have developed an external locus of control and for them to change this. Yet, when it comes to creating a more harmonious and peaceful world, it will be essential for one to be mindful of their own behaviour. It is easy to behave in an unconscious manner and to harm people and the planet. What can make it difficult for someone to behave in a couscous manner are the inner wounds that are within them. Working through these inner wounds, and they may go back to what took place during their early years, can make it easier for them to be present. When it comes to working through these wounds, the assistance of a therapist or a healer may be needed.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
If someone was asked to talk about what takes place when a child is abused, they could say that they will be physically harmed or verbally put down. Alternatively, they could say that they will be neglected.
Then again, one could mention all of these things, meaning that it won’t just relate to one type of abuse. Clearly, irrespective of whether a child is hit or abandoned, for instance, it is not going to do them any good. An All out Attack What is also clear is that a child is likely to suffer even more if they experience more than one type of abuse. Their being will be violated in multiple ways and there won’t be anyone for them to turn to. Ergo, a time in their life when they desperately need others, will be a time in their life when they are all alone. These experiences are going to stop them from being able to grow and develop in the right way. One Need In fact, this will be the last thing on their mind; what will be the most important thing at this stage of their life will be to merely survive. This is then going to be a child, not a soldier on the battle field, but they will be under attack by the people who are supposed to protect them. What will most likely make it easier for them to handle this stage of their life will be the different defences that their body and mind utilise. Due to how small they are, they won’t be able to fight, but what they will be able to do is to freeze and they might be able to hide, for instance. Many More In addition to these two options, they will be able to leave their body and to go into their head. What this will do is stop them from having to be overwhelmed with pain, thereby making it easier for them to handle what is going on. So as they are unable to remove themselves from their environment that is dysfunctional, they will remove themselves from the part of themselves that causes them to experience pain. Another thing that they can do is to dissociate from themselves, with this being a way for them to avoid what is going on in their body and mind. An Observer One will then be there, but it will be as though they are simply observing what is happening to them. In a way, it will be as if they are watching someone else go through what they themselves are going though. If it wasn’t for these defences, they wouldn’t be able to survive this incredibly traumatic stage of their life. Hoverer, even though these defences may well allow them to survive this stage of their life, their life is not going to magically transform once they are an adult. The Hell Continues As a result of what they went through during these years, they might not be able to function as an adult. They could end up with all kinds of mental, emotional and physical problems that make it impossible for them to lead a ‘normal’ life. But, as their early years were a time when they were severely harmed, how else are they going to be? Maybe they will be able to reach out for assistance and to start to heal the damage that was done, or maybe they will lead a miserable existence or even end up taking their own life. A Different Experience This is not the only type of abuse that a child can experience during their early years, though. There can be another type of abuse that they can experience and this can be far more subtle. The child is then not going to be physically or verbally harmed, and they won’t be neglected either. This child can have caregivers who are very active in their life, taking them to all kinds of activities and lessons. The Message Throughout this time in their life, the child can basically be told by these people that they are perfect in every way. This can cause them to develop a superiority complex, seeing themselves as more-than human. Their caregivers are unlikely to see their child as a separate individual; what they will do is see them as an extension of themselves. This is likely to show that the child is being brought up by people that also have a superiority complex. Falsely Empowered Once this child grows into an adult, they can be very confident but they will probably have the tendency to blame others whenever anything goes wrong. In other words, self-awareness might not be their strong point. Thanks to how they were brought up, they can believe that they are above making mistakes or being the reason why something didn’t work out, for instance. This is likely to mean that it will be a challenge for them to have fulfilling relationships. A False-Self Underneath the image that they present to the world is likely to be someone who feels worthless. The reason for this is that their caregivers wouldn’t have been interested in who they were as a child; they would have only been interested in using them to fulfilling their unmet needs - living their life through them. And the reason why they needed them to be perfect is most likely because they also felt deeply flawed at a deeper level. Thus, if their child was to do anything that proved that they were not perfect, it might have triggered their own wounds around feeling worthless. Awareness One way of looking at this would be to say that this is what takes place when a child is brought up in a narcissistic family. The child would have received attention, yet this attention wouldn’t have been for who they actually were. So as this type of abuse if more subtle, it can take a while for someone to realise that their early years were dysfunctional. For someone like this to reach out for support, they might need to truly hit rock bottom. They could spend years with the view that it isn’t them who need to change, it is everyone else. If they do get to the point where they are ready to look in the mirror, they may need to reach out for the assistance of a therapist or a healer.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk Locus Of Control: Do Some Peoples Childhoods Set Them Up To Develop An External Locus Of Control?20/7/2019
There are people that believe that they have control over their life and then there are people that don’t. Due to this, these people are likely to have two very different experiences on this earth.
When it comes to the people that fit into the first category, it could be said that they are more likely to lead a fulfilling life. Thanks to the outlook that they have, they won’t see themselves as powerless. A Choice So when something is not going as someone wants it to go and they fit into the first category, they will most likely look into what they can do to change it. No matter what is going on, they are generally going to believe that they can do something about it. This can stop them from getting depressed and becoming passive. It won’t matter if they are unable find an answer straight away, as they will keep going until they find what they need to be able to move forward. Acceptance However, if something is not going as they would like it to go and they can see that there is absolutely nothing that they can do, they might just let it go. They are not going to be interested in feeling weak. Having this ability will allow them to focus on the things that they do have control over, which will stop them from wasting their precious time and energy. Naturally, if they were to become consumed by things that they had no control over, they might soon start to feel weak. In Control of Their Destiny Being this way is then going to prevent them from developing a victim mentality; they won’t have time to be a victim. They will know that they do have an effect on their life, with this being the reason why they are not powerless. What they may believe is that they are here to create a life that matches up with who they are, not to go along with what someone else has created. Most of the people in their life could also have the same outlook. Another Benefit The belief that they have in their ability to fulfil their goals is likely to have positive effect on their mental and emotional health. They may find that they are used to experiencing empowering thoughts and feelings. This will largely come down to the fact that they won’t be used to being flooded with disempowering thoughts and feelings, along with their ability to achieve their goals. Once they have achieved something, it will fill them with empowering feelings and reaffirm what they believe about their ability to shape their life. No choice When it comes to the people that fit into the second category, it could be said that they are less like likely to lead a fulfilling life. Because of the outlook that they have, they will probably see themselves as powerless. So when something doesn’t go as someone wants it to go and they fit into the second category, they might not do anything. What has taken place could be seen as further evidence that they have no control over their life. A Low Place After they have experienced a setback, they could end up being overwhelmed by disempowering thoughts and feelings. It could take them a little while to get back on their feet and even when they do rise up again, they might not see the point in doing anything. It might seem as though something or something out there is doing absolutely everything to keep them down. One will most likely see themselves as a victim, which means that they will be used to seeing other people as perpetrators. A Challenge As they feel powerless and believe that they have very little, if any, control over their life, it is going to be perfectly normal for them to feel low. Being on this planet is not going to be a very pleasurable experience. If one was to look back on their life, they may find that it has been this way for as long as they can remember. Consequently, it might be hard for them to imagine what it would be like to experience life in a different way. A Deeper Look Nonetheless, regardless of how long they have experienced life in this way for, it doesn’t mean that it has to stay this way forever. There is likely to be a reason why they believe that they have no control over their life. What might have caused them to develop this outlook is what took place during the beginning of their life. Perhaps this was a time in their life when they were abused and/or neglected. A Key Time This would have meant that their developmental needs were not met on a consistent basis, if at all. What took place would have caused them to feel powerless, helpless, hopeless and overwhelmed, among other things. Experiencing so much upheaval throughout this time and having absolutely no control over what was going on would have set them up to develop a very disempowering outlook. The experiences that they had as a child would then have come to define how they saw themselves. A False Belief This stage of their life would have been a time when they had no control over their life, but that doesn’t mean that this is the truth now that they are an adult. Now that they are an adult, they do have control over their life. As a powerless child, their caregiver/s would have been in complete control of their life. Fortunately, now that one is an adult, they are the ones who have control over their life. Awareness However, in order for one to realise that they do have control over their life, they will most likely need to work through their inner wounds. This can be a time when they will need to change their beliefs, work through emotional pain and heal trauma. The assistance of a therapist or a healer may be needed.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
Even though someone has the desire to achieve something it doesn’t mean that they won’t also do things to hold themselves back. The trouble is that they might not be aware of the things that they are doing to undermine themselves.
As a result of this, they can end up blaming other people for how their life is going and/or see themselves as a victim. It is then not that they are holding themselves back; it is that someone or something out there is holding them back. Releasing the Tension Blaming outside circumstances might allow them to release frustration, but it won’t allow them to move forward. So no matter how much frustration is released during moments like this, it won’t be long until it soon returns. With this in mind, the sooner one is able to take a step back and to reflect on their own behaviour, the sooner their life will change. One way that their life could change is if they were to read a book on self-development or to do a search online. Shinning the Light If they take this route, it can show that part of them is open to the idea that they may be holding themselves back. Another part of them might not be on board with this, but this part could slowly change as time goes by. By reading a book or doing a search online, they may come across some of the ways that someone can stop themselves from achieving their goals. After reading about some of the ways that this can happen, they may start to understand why their life is the way it is. A Few Examples During this time, they may come across the following examples:
At The Root There are, of course, numerous ways in which someone can stop themselves from moving forward. Yet, regardless of how someone does this, it is likely to come down to the same reasons. On one level, one can believe that they don’t deserve to achieve something and, at a deeper level, they can believe that if they did it would put their very survival at risk. If this is the case, it is not going to be a surprise for them to hold themselves back. Early Years The reason they don’t believe that they deserve to achieve something and believe that it would put their survival at risk can be due to what took place during their early years. At this stage of their life, they might not have received the type of care that they needed to be able to develop in the right way. Perhaps they were abused in some way and they may have been neglected too. Being abused would have set them up to feel worthless and being neglected would have caused them to develop a strong fear of death. Keeping Things the Same As an adult, then, they are going to have a strong need to keep their life the same, not to grow and develop. A big part of them can believe that they don’t deserve to change their life and another part of them can believe that they would be abandoned, and left to die, if it did change. Assuming that this is what is going on for them, it will be essential for them to pay attention to the fact that they do deserve to achieve their goals and that they won’t die if they do. If some of the people in their life do leave them, it will create the space for the right people to enter their life. Final Thoughts If one can relate to this, and they want to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided by the assistance of a therapist or a healer. Through being assisted by someone like this, they will be able to go where they wouldn’t go by themselves. This will allow them to work through the emotional pain that is within them.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk |
Oliver JR CooperAuthor of 26 books, Transformational Writer, Teacher & Consultant. Introductory Consultation
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Disclaimer
That which is contained within these articles is based on my own empirical understanding and is true for me at the time they were written. However, as I continue to grow, what I perceive as the truth will inevitably change and as a result of this - parts of these articles may not reflect my current outlook.
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