This article will look at the different aspects of the heart; this will include empathy, emotions and feelings. I will also explain my current understanding of what leads to an absence of empathy and an ability to feel. Inspiration I was also inspired to write this after seeing the Alfa Romeo advert. In the advert the actress Uma Thurman says the following line ‘without heart we would be mere machines’. So let’s start this with an explanation of what empathy is. In the dictionary the word Empathy is described as ‘The ability to understand and share the feelings of another’. There is of course a lot more to empathy than this description reveals. What is Empathy? The description above, as I have mentioned, is taken from the dictionary definition. So now we have a basic understanding of what it is. The question I ask is; what is going on for the individual that has it? And what is going on for the individual that doesn’t have it, or shows very little empathy? Being able to truly recognise the feelings of another first requires the ability to recognise our own feelings. And if we can’t recognise our own feelings or deny our own feelings, it is going to be close to impossible to recognise or to be aware of how others feel. The Heart This is where the heart comes in to the equation. In today’s society it is largely seen as just a part of the body that pumps blood around the rest of the body. The idea that it could be something much greater and far more significant, is not even considered by many. And just like the quote from the advert above shows, it is having a heart and being able to feel that makes us human. So now let’s look at what the possible causes could be that stop one from developing a healthy and functional ability to empathise and to feel. Traumatic Experiences To one degree of another we all have moments and experiences in our younger years and throughout our life that are traumatic. And it could be said that pain is part of the human experience and something that can’t be removed and has to be accepted. An example of the pain I am referring to is experienced when a relationship ends or in the passing of a loved one. Now, some people that have these are still able to empathise, while others begin to close their heart and their ability to feel altogether. Why Is This? As to what it is that makes the difference here, I am not completely sure. There are numerous factors and influences involved. These could go right back to inherited trauma and experiences in the womb, to the conditioning received during ones younger years Having a parent or caregiver who was emotionally unavailable or abusive, or experiencing nurturing that was overwhelming and suffocating, can all lead one to shutting down emotionally and closing their own heart. What I do know is that the more we deny and repress our own feelings the harder it is to not only feel our own feelings, but to also recognise another persons feelings. Feelings To me this comes down to the very nature of feelings. In that they can be extremely painful to face and to feel them again could be to trigger and relive the trauma that created them. With our minds tendency to seek pleasure and avoid pain, the natural response is to escape pain at all costs. As we continue to live our lives from the position of denying our own painful feelings, with the intention of only experiencing pleasurable feelings, we start to gradually lose our ability to feel altogether. Extreme Pleasure When the ability to feel is inhibited, there is then the need to experience extreme pleasure in order to feel anything at all. This then brings to our attention the substances present in our society that are being consumed in such high amounts. Whether its Drugs, Alcohol, or Food for example, these all help one to feel good and alive. And if our natural state is one of numbness and emptiness, the usage of these will seem vital for being able to not only feel good, but to deal with the pain. Extreme Pain The other side of the desire to experience extreme pleasure is the urge to feel extreme pain. This is not the same as acknowledging our pain, it is something completely different. It is a way for the mind that resists feeling, to experience an emotional release. This is often called masochistic behaviour. This is a way for our ego mind to feel a sense of control again. The Current Paradigm Although there is other ways of dealing with our pain, due to our society being generally ignorant and unaware of how the mind works and the effect our emotions and feelings have not only on our life, but also on our bodies, these other ways are largely unheard of or are not possible to comprehend with the current paradigm. Society Not only is there the substances in our society that help one to escape these painful feelings, there is also the aspect society plays in creating an environment that causes people to use these substances to such extremes. It’s the question of: is it the society or is it the individual? The perspective I have is that it’s a bit of both. The Ego Mind Although the heart has its own intelligence, the mind is projecting and interpreting everything it sees. This means that in order to embrace our own heart we have to challenge and process the minds conditioning. So that we can allow our hearts intelligence and knowing to flourish. Processing Whether it is in processing our childhood or day to day life, processing our pain is not only important for being a conscious human being, it is also imperative for functioning as a whole human being. If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article.
Oliver J R Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk/
2 Comments
The term boundaries can seem unclear and even confusing at times. What does the term ‘boundaries’ mean? And how does it relate to psychological wellbeing? Are they the same as ‘walls’? And in this context what are walls? What I am describing here are psychological boundaries. So here I will describe my current understanding of what they are. I will also look at what stops us from developing healthy boundaries and as a result, causes us to create walls in there place. I think that the best way to understand both of these terms would be to see them as metaphors. What Are Walls? So, if we go along with the metaphor; a wall would be something that not only stops anything coming in, it also stops anything from going out. And as we are human beings, what I am talking about here, in a literal sense, are the interactions with other human beings. Having walls is a coping mechanism that doesn’t allow for flexibility, for life to flow, to come and to go. A way to understand this would be to first bring to our awareness the dual nature of the mind; how it likes to see everything in black and white. A consequence of this could be to always say no or to always say yes. We can have a hard time using discernment, during moments when it is important to say no and we end up saying yes or vice versa. Saying no could be a real struggle and create an incredible amount of stress for us. What Are Boundaries On the other hand boundaries are having the ability to not only say yes, but to also say no. To feel safe and accepted no matter what the reactions of others are or what they expect us to say, be or do. To be able to engage with life from a place of trust and presence. To know that there will always be people who don’t accept or approve of who we are and upon realising this, still coming from a place of self integrity. What Creates The Walls? Based on my own experience and awareness, I would say that these ways of behaving are formed in our younger years. And only exist due to associating our sense of safety and survival around these patterns. This is where the associations were formed and laid down for that which we hold onto today. During these moments it is probably correct to say that it was the best option for us to take, when it came to our own survival and safety. As we grow and progress as human beings, what was safe for us as a child and what we depended upon for our own existence, has likely changed as we have grown. Examples An example that comes to mind is that of a parent or caregiver that is self centred and emotionally cut off. With their only focus being the fulfilment of their own needs and agendas without any care, interest or even awareness as to whether the child is being compromised and possibly even abused by there actions. Of course there is the healthy process of instilling responsibility and that all actions have consequences. The above example exemplified an extreme case of what one parent might call discipline, but is ultimately the result of tyrannical behaviour. Another example is of the old paradigm that children are just objects; this of course has been largely fazed out and replaced with a more functional or true view of children. However, in certain parts of the world and society this still exists. There is also the outlook that parents or caregivers are always right and therefore by definition the child must always be wrong. These are just a few examples of what can cause present day problems when it comes to standing up for oneself. Criticism Being able to stand up for our selves not only requires self belief, but also when we do stand up and speak our truth – we will be heard. And a great way stop this from happening is through the constant negative criticism of someone in their younger years. Whether this be what they say or what they do, it will end up blocking there healthy flow of self expression. Two Extremes I mentioned above about someone that always says ‘yes’ when they should be saying no, but out of there fear of rejection and upsetting another, finds it incredible difficult. One Side So on one side there is the individual that out of there early oppression finds it hard to say no. They can then become people pleasers, constantly looking for the approval of others, while on the inside they feel incredibly resentful and angry at never being able to say what’s on their mind. This is the consequence of them still identifying with the past and in there past if they did stand up for themselves, they would be rejected and or abandoned. And as our mind holds onto what is familiar, it will continue to not only create, but also interpret situations in the same way. This perpetuates the prison and the inability to express oneself. They could be classed as the victims. The Other Side On the other side of the scale we have the individual that will never be told what to do. They are also likely to end up turning into the perpetrators and out of there own childhood frustrations, display behaviour that oppresses others, in exactly the same way as they were An Extension Of Themselves When I think about the behaviour of individuals that have no problem controlling others or in taking advantage of others, it is clear that they have no boundaries themselves. As a result of having no boundaries (not knowing where they start and begin and where others start and begin), this then leads them to see others as an extension of themselves. The consequence of this is that others are just objects to be utilised for there own benefit. With no conscious awareness as to whether they are compromising another. Perhaps an inability to empathise is also involved here. Changing Sides These two types of behaviour are not always black and white, with the victim having moments of being the perpetrator and the perpetrator having moments of being a victim. I would say this is the result what the other person or people are like who they come into contact with and what trauma is triggered within the individual’s memory or unconscious reservoir. Waking Up The two examples above were two sides of the same coin and both the consequence of unconscious behaviour. To express ourselves and stand in our own place of power and truth, we have to rise above these two options. Healthy Models Having a healthy model of what it means to stand in ones power is vital; when it comes to growing beyond our conditioning. This can be from friends, family, or mentors. Awareness is the first step, as without that, we will never move beyond the patterns that keep us trapped in our past. If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article.
Oliver J R Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk/ |
Oliver JR CooperAuthor of 26 books, Transformational Writer, Teacher & Consultant. Introductory Consultation
To book your 15-Minute Introductory Consultation, click here.
Disclaimer
That which is contained within these articles is based on my own empirical understanding and is true for me at the time they were written. However, as I continue to grow, what I perceive as the truth will inevitably change and as a result of this - parts of these articles may not reflect my current outlook.
My Books...
|