When it comes to who one is attracted to and attracts, it can appear to be a random process. And that one has no control over who they attract or are attracted to. Certain physical traits are often cited as being the reason why one is or was attracted to someone.
And physical characteristics certainly play an important part in who someone is and is not attracted to. Most people have specific things they like and things that they are not too keen on.
But while physical characteristics are important, they don’t always have the biggest influence on who one is attracted to. What often takes precedence over physical appearances is how one feels or doesn’t feel at any given moment.
These can be feelings that one is completely aware of or they can be feelings that are just out of one’s conscious awareness. So from time to time they may be known or they could be completely unknown.
Now, if one is in touch with their feelings and emotions and therefore their body, they will know how they feel and so they might even see this process taking place. One could feel emotionally centred and together and be attracted to people who are in the same place so to speak. The connection is then highly visible and there is no mystery as to why one is attracted to such people.
Another example would be when one feels emotionally fragmented and out of balance and finds themselves being attracted to people who are having the same emotional experience. And again, one will soon see the connection and while they may feel frustrated, they will not be surprised as they are in the same emotional place themselves.
To have this connection to one’s body and what is going on emotional is the ideal. One will feel more empowered than if they were disconnected and everything seemed to be happening randomly.
It would be clear that one needs to change how they feel in order to attract people who are emotionally healthy. One would know that they had control and a choice in the matter and were not victims.
However, this body and mind connection is not the norm in today’s world and this can lead to all kinds of problems. It would then be unclear as to what one was feeling in their body and so seeing the connection between what is going on internally and what is going on externally would not be possible.
Who one is attracted to and attracts would then appear random and as something that one has no control over. The mind would then take over and have the answers to these questions
The Story Maker
While the mind can be disconnected from the body and the real answers, it doesn’t mean that it won’t come up with all kinds of false reasons as to why certain people are showing up in ones reality. Here, the mind will form interpretations to explain what is going on. And these interpretations can be the result of what one has learnt through intellectual means.
This could be what they have read, what they have heard through other people and the interpretations that they have made throughout their life. And while these can seem completely accurate as far as the mind is concerned, in most cases they could be nothing more than fancy ideas. The mind is the observer of life and yet the body is experiencing life in real time.
One can have ideas about what it is like to swim and read numerous books and even watch videos. This will give them an intellectual understanding of swimming. But until they get into the water, it is not a real experience. When they get into the water and swim, it will become real.
In this example it is clear that one can’t understand what it is like to swim unless they go into water. And yet when it comes to the understanding why we attract the people that we do, it is not always as easy to realise. This is generally due to one being disconnected from their body and being cut off from the body’s wisdom.
When there is pain in the body and this pain is too hard to handle, it is natural and normal for one to stay in their head and to leave their body. This could be something one does from time to time and during different moments or it could be something that has become a way of life.
Perhaps one has experienced some kind of trauma as an adult or when they were a child, or it could relate to an accumulation of experiences that gradually wore one down. And ones time as a baby and even in the womb can all have an effect. So it feels safe to live in one’s head and too painful to be in one’s body.
And when one is disconnected from their body and therefore lives primarily in their head, it will be a mystery as to what is going on in the body. This can mean that feelings and emotions will have become trapped in their body. They can be in ones: skin, bones, muscles and vital organs.
Consciously one is then oblivious to these emotions and feelings, but that doesn’t mean they are not having an effect on one’s life. These trapped feelings and emotions will create a resonance and the people who come into their life will mirror this resonance.
It is then not just about the individual emotions and feelings, it is also about the general feelings that they create. This can include feeling: powerless, worthless, unlovable, empty, desperate, hopeless, helpless, rejected, abandoned, violated, betrayed and fear.
The ego mind will want to hold onto these feelings as they will be interpreted as familiar and therefore safe. So while they may not cause one to attract the kind of people that one wants, they will feel comfortable to the ego mind. To let go and to embrace other people would be classed as death.
The emotions and feelings need to be released from the body and as they are released, one can return to their natural state of inner harmony. And as this takes place, who one is attracted to and attracts will gradually begin to change.
This can be done with the assistance of a therapist or healer who will support one in facing and then releasing their feelings and emotions.
To be judgmental is part of life and it is something that everyone does to some degree or another. There will be some instances where this is seen as good thing and other times when this will be seen as bad or inappropriate.
If one was to see an athlete or sports star cheat or break certain rules in a game, it would be appropriate to say that what took place was wrong and shouldn’t have taken place. However, if one was to say that only some races should be treated with respect or given opportunities that would be an example of where judgment is inappropriately used.
There is also how intensely the judgement is made and what this then leads to. One person may make judgements in their own mind and yet very few people will ever find out about them. So just because someone is judgemental it doesn’t mean that it will lead to anything significant; it can be hidden and kept from others.
And then there are other people who can express them in ways that are harmful to others and even dangerous. This could lead to verbal abuse being carried out and even physical violence.
At the most basic level, judgement is nothing more than a survival mechanism. The ego mind labels things based on their perceived impact on ones survival. So when one feels that they are under threat in some way, a judgement will be made.
And once it is made, some kind of action will be taken; this could be an internal change or an external response.
While this can relate to things that directly put one’s life at risk, it can also relate to areas where one feels emotionally and intellectually compromised in some way. Here, ones survival won’t necessarily be at risk, but the mind can still interpret it in the same way.
So if one was driving their car and another car was driving too fast behind them or one was about to be attacked by someone, then their survival could be at risk. This would be a clear example of this survival mechanism at work.
When it comes to a situation where another person believes something else or chooses to live their life in a way that is different, ones survival is unlikely to be at risk. If what they do affects others in some way, then ones survival could be at risk.
But in this context, what is causing one to feel a sense of unease is the result of how they are interpreting what they are seeing and not what the other person is actually doing.
What people do or do not do is then up to them, as long as it does not hurt another person or the planet. Just because one feels a strong reaction to what another person does, it doesn’t mean that it is wrong or bad. It could simply be the way that they are expressing themselves and how they choose to live their life.
So if one is extremely judgemental to others or towards certain things and their own survival is not at risk, then it could seem strange and even confusing. How one interprets the world and what they see as right or wrong, is a result of what is going on within them.
And what is going in within someone will define what they judge and what they don’t judge. Now this could be what they are aware of or what they have repressed and are therefore unaware.
At some level there will be conflict and this conflict is causing one to feel so strongly about certain things and regardless of whether their survival is under threat or not. And this will be between the mind and the body. What is going on in one’s body might not be acceptable to the mind.
So certain feelings, emotions, wants and needs that one has could then be denied or avoided by the mind. But just because the mind has blocked these out, it doesn’t mean that they will disappear or have no influence. They will remain in the body and there will be consequences.
These feelings, emotions, wants and needs are not right or wrong, they are simply part of the human experience. But due to things such as ones upbringing, education, religion and social conditioning, the mind is taught to accept some things and reject others. This creates inner conflict and disharmony and this can then lead to external challenges.
And through the mind becoming disconnected from these feelings, emotions, needs and wants and therefore the body; they then end up being projected externally. So one might have lost touch with them, but they will then be triggered by others. But if one is unaware, then other people will be classed as the cause of one’s judgements.
There is going to be many ways that this takes place and it will depend on what one is denying within themselves. One may have learnt that sex was bad during one point in their life and so they have to deny their own sexual needs. And whenever they hear about other people engaging in certain sexual behaviour, they judge them as being bad. When in reality, they only reason they are judging them is because of their own sexual conflict that is going on within.
Success is another area that can create a lot of judgment and this can cause one to judge people who are successful. At a deeper level this can reflect their hidden feelings of: powerlessness, hopelessness, frustration and anger.
A man or a woman could behave in a certain way and they are then severely judged. And not only is this one person labelled for what they have done, it goes onto to include all men or all women. Here, one could have been abused in some way by a man or a woman at some point in their life and how they felt as a result of this wasn’t dealt with in any way, it just became stuck in their body.
So when ones see men or a women behave in a way that is abusive or without respect, it triggers these feelings and emotions. And instead of seeing this connection, the other person is seen as being the reason for causing them to feel as they do.
If human beings couldn’t make judgments they wouldn't last for very long on this planet. To be overly judgemental can be a sign that one needs to let go off the conflict that has built up within.
And as one lets go of this inner conflict, their judgement will become more balanced. This process can be assisted through the help of a therapist, healer or a coach.
It is often said that human beings are either independent or dependent and while it can look this way, ultimately we are all interdependent. No one is their own island and each one of us is reliant on others in some way.
This is not to say that everyone has this outlook: Some people can believe that they don’t need anyone and others can feel that they can’t handle life by themselves. In the first scenario one is rejecting all support from others and in the second scenario; one is out of touch with their own inner support.
Each one of us has a physical body that needs to be supported through food, water and air amongst other things. In this day and age, most people rely on others to supply them with the food they need. This could be from a supermarket, restaurant, takeaway or market stall. In some cases people grow their own produce, but this is often the exception.
Then there are mental needs and this can include the desire to: learn, talk, teach and write. Emotional needs are also very important and these cover a wide range of things. From wanting to be heard, supported, held and loved.
And now matter what need is mentioned, they all have a role to play. It might be possible to ignore some of them and still survive, but in order to thrive; each one of them needs to be taken care off.
The Forgotten Need’s
It is normal for one to take care of their physical needs and this is because if they didn’t, they wouldn’t live for very long. And ones mental needs can be met fairly easily through some kind of education or by reading and talking to others.
What are not always as easy to fulfil are ones emotional needs. These can be ignored and one could still survive; it won’t be too fulfilling. So as a result of this, they are often overlooked.
And this can happen at a personal level and go on to include how a society is structured. However, just because these needs are covered up, it doesn’t mean that they will no longer be there.
The need to feel supported, loved, heard and held, can then be channelled into other ways. And ways that might not result in these needs being met, but the pain that arises as a result of them not being met will lessen for a while
One could then engage in a whole myriad of escapes to deal with the pain of not feeling emotionally supported. This could include the following options: over eating, engaging in casual encounters, using alcohol or drugs, overworking, over exercising, becoming ill, being violent and many other things.
So as it is so vital that someone takes care of their emotional needs, it would seem strange that this doesn’t always take place in a healthy and functional way. In reality, it is rarely this simply or easy.
Although one has these emotional needs, it doesn’t mean that one feels comfortable with them or empowered enough to have them met by others. This is not to say that this is only the case with people who don’t have many friends or who are single.
As one can have many friends and even have a partner, and yet still feel that they are not emotionally supported. What will typically define whether one feels emotionally supported by others or not, is how they view their emotional needs.
If one feels that they deserve to have their emotional needs met by others, their behaviour will follow suit. And the people that they attract and are attracted to will reflect this feeling. To them, their emotional needs are not something to feel ashamed of or embarrassed about and so they have no trouble getting them met in most cases.
They won’t try to get them met by people who can’t meet them and they will embrace people who can. But when one doesn’t feel that they deserve to have their emotional needs met by others, their behaviour will show this.
The people they attract and are attracted to will reflect how they feel about their needs. For them, needs are something to be ashamed of and one may feel guilty or embarrassed for having them. And as this is what is going on internally, it will mean that it will be a real challenge to get them met, it might even seem impossible.
As these emotional needs are so important to ones wellbeing, it can be confusing as to why someone could feel uncomfortable with them. If one was uncomfortable with eating, then they would surely die. But when it comes to emotional needs, one could take their life due to the pain and yet it is also likely they will lead a life that feels lonely and empty.
At some point in their life they will have learnt that it’s not possible to have their emotional needs met. This could have been picked up during ones adult years or based on what happened when one was a child.
The childhood years are when one first learns if their needs are important or not. So if one had caregivers that generally responded to them, they would learn that it is safe to have them, that there important and to feel comfortable with them. And they would come to see that they have a sense of control over whether they are met or not.
When this doesn’t occur and ones caregivers generally ignored their needs, one would come to see that it is not safe to have them. This means that one would feel uncomfortable with their needs. And as a consequence of this neglect, one would feel powerless to get their needs met and feel that they are not important. So feeling ashamed and guilty for having them is then normal based on what took place.
So these early experiences would have created inner conflict and this conflict then stops one from getting them met. When one didn’t get these needs met, it would have caused one to feel certain feelings and emotions. These would then have become trapped in the body.
And as these are faced and released, one will gradually start to feel comfortable with their needs and gradually begin to get them met. This can be done with the assistance of a therapist or a healer.
From the moment one is born, one is exposed to different people. And at the beginning of their life, these people are typically caregivers. So in the majority of cases, ones first role models are their parents. This can then go on to include siblings, other family members and family friends.
As time passes and one gets older, this will start to include: teachers, friends and different influences from the media. The role models may change as one gets older, but they are always going to be there in some shape or form.
Children are often more susceptible that adults and so the kind of role models that one has as a child, can end up defining their whole life. How one views the world, the people in it and themselves, can come from these early experiences.
Make Or Break
And for some people, their first role models could either make them or break them. They might have been role models who were healthy and functional. Or they could be so unhealthy and dysfunctional that one never fully recovers from what took place in those early stages of their life.
Then there will be other people who manage to use these as examples of how they don’t want to be. So one is then driven to find examples of people who are different and to be different themselves and not simply live their life as a reaction.
But whether or not one does break away from early beginnings that were dysfunctional, will largely depend on the kind of role models that they come across in life.
What one learns through these early role models can depend on what they did and on how one interprets what they did. But there will be certain things that one learns during these early moments and these can include:
· What one sees as right or wrong
· If one has what it takes to achieve their hopes and dreams
· How they deserve to be treated and how others deserve to be treated
· The kind of relationship that one has with their body and emotions
· If one thinks they have a purpose or not
· How one views the same and opposite sex
· Whether other people can be trusted or not
· How one feels about their needs and if one deserves to have them
· What is normal in a relationship and what is not
· Whether one deserves to exist and is worthy of life
· If one feels they have of sense of control in life or if they feel powerless
There are many other consequences that can take place and these are some of the ways that one can be affected by what happens in their childhood years.
So it becomes clear that these early experiences can have a big impact on one’s life. And just because one can completely forget about what took place, it doesn’t mean that one has not been affected by what happened.
As humans are not perfect, caregivers are never going to get everything right. However, some will be extremely harmful and others will cause the odd challenge here and there. And what does happen will typically define the kind of role models that one needs to seek out as an adult to redefine themselves.
Healthy Role Models
The most important thing here will be to question whether what one believes and values matches up with who they are. It could be nothing more than what other people told them or what they came to believe as a result of how other people have treated them.
When one is clear about what they value and what they really believe, they can start to find people who are a reflection of what they believe or what they want to realise within themselves.
This can be done through watching films, reading books and spending time with certain people. Or one may want to take courses on specific things or find a mentor or coach.
Just because one had no choice in what they picked up as a child, it doesn’t mean that this still applies. One can let go of what doesn’t serve them and spend their time and attention on what does.
This is not to say that it will happen overnight, but then what does. Some things will be able to be changed fairy quickly and other things will take longer.
At times it could be a real challenge to change something and there may be things that seem impossible to change. And this is why it will be important for one to get in touch with who they really and to see where they currently are. This is likely to create pain, but this pain doesn’t have to become out of control.
It can be channelled into one taking the actions that they need to take, in order to be who they really are. Pain is then an ally and not something to be covered up or denied.
Like any kind of change or growth, the first step is awareness. If one is not aware of something then it won’t change, but once one knows about something not being right, it can be dealt with.
And if one is experiencing emotional challenges from what took place during those early years, it might be necessary to seek the assistance of a therapist or healer. Here, one will gradually get back in touch with their trapped emotions and feelings and release them.
One of the greatest human needs is to feel connected to others and this can relate to an intimate relationship with the opposite sex or the same, depending on one’s sexual preference and to family and friends. To share who one is and to be involved in the sharing of another, plays a vital role in our wellbeing.
Without the deep sharing of who one is with other people, life can be lonely and feel empty. And like most things in life that are meaningful, to experience deep connections with others can take time. This is because trust needs to be formed and this is not something that can be rushed or forced to occur.
There is the possibility that a deeper connection can form sooner, but this will depend on how open the people are and now much of a connection there is. One can meet someone and the connection is there more or less instantly. And with others, this can be a gradual process.
So in order for this deeper connection to form, one will need to be vulnerable and the other person will need to mirror this behaviour at some point. If one person becomes vulnerable and the other person doesn’t mirror the behaviour at first, it might not be a problem.
But if they don’t become vulnerable at any point in the relationship, then the chance for a deeper connection to form will not take place. There will be no growth made and the relationship could stay as it is, or it could come to an end.
For if one person has the need to connect and the other person does not, one could move away and place their time and attention on another relationship that is has the potential to be fulfilling.
While the need to connect deeply with other people can be there, there are fears that can get in the way of this taking place. And if these are strong enough, they will stop one from achieving a deeper connection with others.
What they truly need to experience is then replaced with what is not fulfilling. Here, one could have relationship with others that are superficial in nature. They might call these people friends or someone their partner, but there is very little depth involved.
At a conscious level this person could also complain to themselves and others that no one is there for them. But the reason they are not experiencing deeper connections is due to their own inner blocks and the conflict that is going on internally.
When one is vulnerable, they are open about their lives, how they feel and how they don’t feel and their challenges and achievements for instance. This is what enables a relationship to be real and fulfilling. If there is only an exchange of what one did or didn’t do that day, their plans for the weekend or what other people are doing, then this can’t take place.
It is important that on shares who they are and what is vital, is that one listens to what the other person has to say. And this should be done without judgment, blame or suggestions of what they should or shouldn’t do. To do this can create a parent child relationship, instead of an adult to adult relationship.
As once one knows that the other person will listen to them, they will feel safe with the person and trust will be a natural consequence. Being open will then feel normal and natural.
So instead of thinking about what they can or can’t reveal, they will know that they can reveal all of what they are experiencing in life. This means that one is authentic, because they are not putting on an act just to please another and to displease themselves in the process.
What Gets In The Way?
When one fears being vulnerable, they are unlikely to create relationships that will encourage them to be vulnerable. This person will feel drawn to people who are in the same place and who avoid revealing anything too deep.
They may talk about ‘acceptable things’ and one may connect at this level. But there is likely to be the feeling that one doesn’t really know the other person and they don’t really know who they are.
On one level this may appease their fears of being vulnerable, but it won’t remove the need to be vulnerable. And the pain that this creates will not simply go away. This pain could be channelled into some kind of addiction or escape.
There might be the urge to have more friends to cover this inner emptiness up or to engage in numerous of sexual encounters. workaholism may take over their life or they might become consumed in different social clubs or some kind of charity work.
To be vulnerable means that one is at risk; what one shares with another could be used against them. And while this is true, it is part of being vulnerable. Being vulnerable means that one can lose so much and yet it also means that one can gain so much.
In matters of the heart like these, one has to be discerning; discerning with who they open up to and in who they don’t open up to.
And with experience, one will gain a better understanding in who they can and who they cannot open up to. If this is a real challenge for someone, it could be due to certain feelings that have built up within. These can cause someone to feel extremely vulnerable and out of balance.
In this instance, it might be necessary to see some kind of therapist or healer to release the feelings and emotions that have accumulated over one’s life. Reading books, taking courses or receiving coaching can also assist one in opening up more and to the right people.
While a woman can say to herself and others that she wants to be in a relationship with a man who is healthy and functional, it doesn’t mean that she will be attracted to a man who is like this. This can relate to woman who can’t seem to attract a guy that is healthy and for women who do attract them and yet sabotage the relationship shortly after.
And just because one can feel attracted to someone, it doesn’t mean that this attraction is a good sign. And as this challenge shows, one can be attracted to someone that is unhealthy and even dangerous. What they are attracted to doesn’t enhance their wellbeing, it compromises it.
Their ideal man could be one who is: loving, supportive, reliable, confident, trustworthy, respectful, kind, generous, funny, honest and strong for instance. Someone who not only listens to what they have to say, but who cares about what they do say.
For some women the requirements will vary, but the ideal is unlikely to be man that is abusive in any way. They will be there during the good times and where everything is going well and when there are bad times and challenges need to be dealt with.
However, although this can be the idea that they have in their mind and what they tell their close friends that they want for example, there is a disconnection. The kind of man they are attracted to is nothing like what they say they want. In fact, he could be the complete opposite.
And then there are going to be women who do find their ideal man, but he may well be lost as soon as he is found. How long this relationship will last will depend on different factors. There is of course the possibility that a woman could gradually adapt to the healthy relationship. One thing it can depend on is how aware they are.
The Dysfunctional Man
As this is a man that is nothing like what they say they want, the traits are going to either be the opposite of what they wanted or as what could be described as pseudo versions. So instead of confidence will be arrogance or it will be physical strength in the place of emotional strength.
And this is man that could be: dishonest, unsupportive, unreliable, disrespectful and disingenuous. There could also be some kind of emotional, physical or verbal abuse that regularly takes place.
It Doesn’t Feel Right
It is clear to see that there is a massive difference between these two men. And this is why some women will either not attract a man who is emotionally healthy or end up sabotaging a relationship with a man that is.
Even though there is the conscious desire to be with a healthy man, at a deeper level, they only feel comfortable with men that are dysfunctional. In this situation, the mind and body are not in alignment, they are fighting each other.
So a woman can know what she wants and even experience it and when she does, a sense of unease will arise. And this can play out in many different ways. The desire to have a man that is reliable can be there and yet when the man is reliable, it doesn’t feel right. What would feel right is if he was unreliable.
He could be respectful and treat the woman as his equal and while this is what she consciously wants, it feels wrong. If he was disrespectful, it would feel fine and even normal.
Another thing that can create unrest is if the man is peaceful, calm or down to earth for instance. What the woman feels comfortable with is drama and the highs and the lows; so fighting, arguments and uncertainty. On some level, this kind of man will not be stimulating enough and could be perceived as boring.
What Going On?
This can be hard to comprehend for the woman who is experiencing this conflict and for the man who has treated a woman so well and ends up being left. If a woman’s body was in sync with her mind, then these problems would not exist.
And the kind of man a woman will be attracted to and feel comfortable with, will typically be the result of what her father was like. So this will be how her father treated her and how he treated the women around her.
During this time, a woman will form expectations of what men are like and what they are not like. And how her father treated her, can then become how all men will treat her. It won’t matter if his behaviour was functional or dysfunctional, as the woman will gradually feel comfortable with the behaviour, regardless of how healthy it is.
So if the father was emotionally healthy, it would have created a good model for the woman to internalise. But if this wasn’t the case, a woman can end up internalising something that will cause her problems until this model is changed.
This could have been a father that was abusive in some way. Perhaps he didn’t have healthy boundaries and ended our going into his daughter’s personal space; causing her to feel: overwhelmed smothered, taken advantage of and compromised. Or maybe he was unreliable, always making promises and yet breaking them.
What will need to occur here is for the woman to feel uncomfortable with men that are abusive and comfortable with men that are healthy; for the body to be working with the mind and not against it.
The early experiences that a woman had with her father would have resulted in certain feelings being created and they could have become trapped in the woman’s body. These feelings are causing the conflict and defining the kind of man that they are attracted to in later life.
So as these feelings are released from the body, the kind of men they feel comfortable with will begin to change. This can be done with the assistance of a therapist or healer who will allow them to face their feelings and release them.
While there are many examples in people’s private’s lives and in the world at large of anger that is openly expressed and out of control, there is another dynamic that is often overlooked and this is because it is not as easy to recognise.
This is when one should get angry and express how they feel, but instead of doing this they end up denying how they feel. It then becomes hidden from them and typically ends up being repressed.
A Negative Emotion
Although anger is widely seen as a negative or bad emotion, this is far from the truth. In situations when anger has become extreme and out of control, then of course it would be right to label it as negative.
However, anger can be expressed in different ways; in ways that don’t have to lead to violence or drama taking place. Due to there being so many examples of anger in the world that have gone to the extreme, the benefits of anger are rarely given attention.
At its root, anger is there to ensure one’s own survival; nothing more nothing less. It is what enables one to know when their boundaries have been crossed and that some kind of action needs to be taken. This could be a minor compromise or something far worse.
Through becoming angry, one is instantly notified that something is not right. And this anger then gives them the energy and therefore the power, to stand up for themselves in an assertive manner. So if one didn’t get angry, they could end up being taken advantage of on one end of the spectrum and being killed on the other.
Without anger, one is nothing more than a door mat and is completely vulnerable to anything and everything. One might survive, but it is unlikely to be a life that is worth living.
So on one side there is the individual that has anger problems and is labelled as being out of control and bad. And on the other side is the person who appears to never get angry and is therefore labelled as being good.
As human beings, we are not perfect and neither are we meant to be. This means there will be times that one becomes overly angry when it was not appropriate. And there will also be times when one was not angry when they should have been.
But when this has become ones identity and the way they generally behave, it is going to cause problems. And just because hiding ones anger is seen as better than constantly expressing it; it is no more functional or healthy.
Just because one doesn’t express their anger in an assertive way or in a way that is aggressive or violent, it doesn’t mean that it will simply disappear. It will become internalised and so instead of someone feeling a sense of power through expressing it in some way; they can end up feeling disempowered.
It is often said that depression is a consequence of repressed anger. And this is partly because one will have to carry the emotional weight around with them and this is going to be a burden. One will not be speaking their truth; they will be denying what is true for them.
And when one doesn’t speak up for themselves and say what they need to say, it is inevitable that they will feel a loss of energy and power. It is also possible for one to become emotionally stuck and unable to change how they feel as a result of the internalised anger that has built up. This can then cause one to feel a sense of boredom and to be emotionally disconnected.
When anger has built up on the inside, it can be normal for one to feel incredibly anxious during certain moments or as a general life experience. Anxiety creates a state of being highly alert and aware and under this is usually some kind of fear.
So where as the purpose of anger is to stop someone from being violated; anxiety is generally there to warn someone of an impending attack and that their survival is under threat. This means that anger and anxiety are very similar. In a way, anxiety could be described as what appears when one feels they are under threat and it is not safe for them to stand up for themselves
And anger could be described as what happens when one feels under threat and feels safe enough to stand up for themselves. Anger would then be empowering and anxiety would be disempowering in this context.
A Way Of Life
To feel that it is not safe to stand up for one self will be something that everyone is likely to experience at one point or another in their life. And so anxiety will be normal in this type of situation. But when one feels that it is never safe for them to stand up for themselves and be assertive, then anxiety will be a constant state of being.
So the natural need that one has to look after themselves is being sabotaged through one being overly anxious. One is then not working with themselves, they are working against themselves
On the surface this can seem illogical and make no sense whatsoever. And yet something will have happened in this person’s life to make them this way. The perception they have is that it is not safe to be angry.
This could be due to what has happened during this persons adults years and what happened to them as a child. And the primary cause is often how their caregivers responded to them when they were younger.
Here, one could have been brought up by caregivers who were emotionally numb or abusive. So in the case of them being emotionally numb, they would have denied all expression of anger, simply because they were not comfortable with it themselves.
If ones caregivers were abusive, one could have been verbally, emotionally or physically abused whenever they showed any anger. And so they learnt at a very early age that it was not safe or acceptable to be angry.
This also means that they were learning to feel comfortable with abuse in the process. By being out of touch with their anger, they would also lose their ability to recognise when they were being compromised or violated by another. Anxiety would be what they became used to and anger would be something they came to fear.
Anger is a vital part of being able to survive on this planet and in being able to thrive. It is just another emotion that every human can experience. Emotions only become problematic when they are not allowed to be expressed.
For someone who feels anxious at moments when they need to stand up for themselves, there could be a lot of repressed anger that has built up over the years. And as one learnt that being angry was not acceptable, guilt may also arise when one is angry.
One will need to release this anger, anxiety and guilt and the fears that are hidden below these three emotions. This can be done with the assistance of a therapist or a healer who will allow one to face their emotions and feelings and release them.
As this takes place, one will gradually experience a sense of balance within. And being assertive when they need to be will naturally take place. A feeling of being empowered can then follow.
The term ‘negative thoughts’ has become very well known in today’s world and this is true for people who are into self development and people who are not. Thoughts are generally the primary focus in the area of change and personal transformation.
These are said to control how one behaves, what they achieve or don’t achieve and even create reality itself. So if someone deals with their thoughts, then their whole life could change. And this can range from removing them, to replacing them with so called ‘positive thoughts’ and just being with them.
The minds thoughts are primary and the emotions and feelings of the body are often secondary. According to this, if one removes their thoughts, then ones feelings and emotions will also be dealt with. That is the general outlook and so feelings and emotions can end up being overlooked.
And when something has been around for a long time or is believed by enough people, it can become known as the absolute truth. But just because something is seen as the truth, it doesn’t mean that it is actually true.
Thoughts are often labelled as being the main problems and as what need to change in order for one to live a better life or to experience inner peace for example. While this can sound right and appear to be the truth, there is a lot more to it.
Although one can be disconnected from their body and therefore their feelings and emotions, it doesn’t mean that the mind will be unaffected. The mind will have to respond in some way to what is going on in one’s body.
And the approach the mind takes will typically depend on what is going on in the body and how strong the emotional pain is. If one is experiencing strong emotions in their body, then the mind will have to utilize certain defence mechanisms to try to settle everything down.
Defence mechanisms are not negative or bad; they are simply used to stop the mind from being overwhelmed by the pain that is coming up from the body. So when there is emotional pain in the body, the mind can be kept busy.
One of the ways it can deal with what is going on in the body is to become obsessive. Here, the mind will produce all kinds of thoughts and ideas to avoid the body’s feelings and emotions.
As the mind is the observer of life, it comes to understand life and the body through interpretation. The body on the other hand, is life and is experiencing everything firsthand. So when feelings and emotions appear in the body, the mind will interpret them in a certain way.
This is similar to what happens when one engages in intellectualization and this means that one is not feeling their feelings and emotions. The mind is trying to understand them and make sense of them. And this is done to avoid facing them; due to the pain that would be created if one did.
Feelings And Emotions
The feelings and emotions in the body that the mind is trying to understand through interpretation can include: rejection, abandonment, fear, grief, loss, betrayal, shame, guilt, powerlessness, hopelessness and many others.
These emotions could be the result of what has happened during ones adult years. And they can be a consequence of what happened when one was: a child, baby and even in the womb. And although times have changes, they have remained trapped in one’s body.
If one is aware of their body and what is going on in there, they would be able to see that their thoughts are often nothing more than a reflection of how they feel. So though interpretation, the mind will create all kinds of thoughts as a result of a feeling that arises or a cluster of feelings.
When feelings come up in the body, there is going to be the potential for all kinds of thoughts that follow. And this is because the mind can interpret things in so many ways and to mean so many different things.
Abandonment And Rejection
The feelings of abandonment and rejection could appear in the body after the end of a relationship and the mind can then interpret that to mean: one is unworthy of love, that other people don’t like them, they will always be alone, other people are more attractive than they are, that they are a failure, that their body is not the right shape, there never be in another relationship again and numerous others.
One could feel shame within and this could lead to the following interpretations being made by the mind: that one stands out and doesn’t belong, that other people have something they don’t have, they are unworthy of experiencing good things, other people look down on them and don’t like them, that they don’t deserve to exist, that one is useless and many others.
And based on how one feels, these interpolations that the mind has made can seem completely accurate. However, if these feelings were not in the body, the mind would have nothing to interpret.
So as these feelings and emotions are released from the body, the mind will be able to settle down. This can be done through the assistance of a therapist or healer who allows one to get in touch with their feelings and release them.
It is often said that if one changes their thoughts they will change their life. Perhaps a more appropriate saying would be – if you let go off your trapped feeling and emotions, your life will change.
There is very little attention given to emotions and feelings in the western world and the role that these play in whether the body is in a place of balance or imbalance. The typical approach is to look at things in isolation and what happens to the body is then a random occurrence.
And while we all have a body and mind, these are often seen as being separate. They are not seen as working together or influencing each other. Through this perspective, the body can be seen as a ‘machine’ that operates randomly and has no reason for becoming out of balance.
At least that was the case, until the whole genetics trend came about. Now, the common reason why the body does what is does, is due to someone’s genetics. So while these are seen as the ‘answers’ one is nothing more than a sitting duck. They have no control or influence over what does or doesn’t happen to their body, genetics do.
Dead From The Neck Down
And while the west has become incredible informed at an intellectual level; when it comes to emotions and feelings, it is a completely different story. This then leads to what is often described as being ‘dead from the neck down’.
Emotions and feelings have become the casualties of the modern day world. They are often seen as a problem or a distraction and are generally ignored; with very little importance given to them.
The body is where feelings and emotions are found; with the mind producing thoughts and ideas. Life is experienced through the body and yet the mind simply observes what is taking place. So the body is life and the mind has ideas about life. This is often described as duality; with the mind being more passive and body being more active.
The mind is no more important than the body; each aspect plays an important part. One of the biggest challenges in the world today is the disconnection between body and mind. Here, one can live completely in their heads and have no awareness of their body.
And one of the biggest reasons for this is that the body is where not only pleasure can be felt, it is where pain can also be felt. The mind will do all it can to avoid pain; this is simply a matter of survival. So this is not a problems per se, it is completely necessary.
What creates problems is when this approach is a way of life; as this will result in one becoming completely cut off from their body. Pain is part of life and therefore can’t be avoided. So what has to take place is the processing of this pain, to stop one from becoming cut off from their body and solely living in their head.
This is something that can take years to occur and is unlikely to happen overnight. But when it does happen, one will not only begin to live in an imbalanced way, they will see life in an imbalanced way.
The Modern Day
So through this happening, one is no longer experiencing life through the body and observing life through the mind; they are simply the observers of life. An internal imbalance has now been formed and this internal imbalance is then projected onto the external world.
Here, the world becomes an example of this imbalance; people are then strictly an effect of life and not a cause. And what is going on in one’s body is simply a mystery
The mind has all kinds of defence mechanisms to avoid the body’s feelings and emotions and these are important. For if one was to constantly be in these feelings and emotions, it cause lead to one being overwhelmed.
But when these feelings and emotions are not processed in some way, the mind will have no other option than to disconnect from them. And not only can one end being cut off from their feelings and emotions, they can become alienated from their own body.
Although the mind can then delude itself into thinking these feelings and emotions are no longer there, the body will have something else to say about that.
Because even though this disconnection has been created, it is generally not recognised in the mainstream. However, if a lot of people are disconnected themselves, then there is unlikely to be much opposition to this viewpoint.
So if one lives in their head and is cut off from their body, then it will be normal to see things as just happening or being random. And that the causes are out of their control, as to why their body is out of balance.
And the fact that genetics are commonly seen as being the cause of disharmony in the body is not much of a surprise. The mind is external; the body is internal; so the mind will see everything as being out there, when in reality this is simply a projection. If it wasn’t genetics, then the mind would come up with something else.
To ability to listen to the body and to get in touch with ones feelings and emotions will not be there, if one is stuck in their head. The body’s wisdom and answers will go unnoticed; it could be seen as a lump of meat that just goes wrong for no apparent reason. Other than the fact that one is a victim of their genetics for example and what they do has no effect on their body.
But just because the mind is unaware of one’s feelings and emotions, it doesn’t mean that they have simply disappeared. The body will absorb them and these will end up trapped in ones skin, bones, organs and muscles for example.
And these emotions and feelings can remain hidden and go unnoticed for many years. Just like how some things in life take time to be built and time to be destroyed. In the short term everything can seem static, but as time goes by, changes will be noticed and they could be sudden.
These emotions and feelings can have built up due to what has happened in ones adult years and go right back to when one was a child, baby and even in the womb itself. And these can put a lot of extra pressure and weight on one’s body. The body is then unable to function from a place of harmony; it is being compromised by feelings and emotions.
Ideally, there would be a much greater awareness of emotions and feelings in the world. It would then be normal to be in touch with them and to processes them when it is necessary. The mainstream education system would educate people on how their emotions work and what can happen if they are not dealt with.
However, at an individual level, one can seek their own answers. This may involve finding a therapist or a healer that will allow one to face their feelings and emotions and release them. Or it could involve learning about emotions through external means such as: reading, taking courses or listening to different audios.
To be human means to be vulnerable and so it is incredibly important that we look after ourselves and don’t allow people to compromise who we are. Physically we are vulnerable and this also applies to our mental and emotional sides. Each one of these needs to be looked after and protected from what is or what may be harmful to our wellbeing.
And what boundaries do is allow one to protect their personal space; without them one is wide open to all kinds of things. But just because this is the case, it doesn’t mean that everyone has strong and healthy boundaries.
Other people can be blamed for coming onto one’s personal space or doing things that one doesn’t agree with and yet, if one had strong boundaries, this would be less likely to take place. There will be a times when one needs to consciously enforce them, as another person may not be aware of them.
And another person doesn’t necessarily have to be malicious to compromise ones boundaries. In their eyes, how they are behaving could be normal. This is because we all have our own views about what is appropriate and what is not appropriate.
Although this is naturally going to affect all areas of one’s life, there could be some areas where ones boundaries are crossed more than others. The relationships that one has at work could be the biggest challenge, or this could relate to family members, friends or lovers.
Or one could find that this is something that is causing problems in everything single area of their life. Their personal space is then constantly being invaded by others and therefore, anger and frustration could be emotions that they have become accustomed to.
To stand up for oneself and set ones boundaries in an empowered way, is going to feel uncomfortable for this person. They might find it so uncomfortable, that they don’t say or do anything at all. So nothing will change and other people will continue to treat them in the same way.
One may see other people and wonder how they stand up for themselves. Another person might have no problem protecting their personal space, but one could feel that it is not safe for them to do the same thing. What feels safe is allowing another person to do what they want and to please them. And what one wants or needs is then secondary and ultimately irrelevant.
When one has no boundaries it can lead to numerous challenges and some of these can be: saying yes when one should be saying no and vice versa; feeling responsible for what others do or do not do; putting up with people who are disrespectful and abusive; agreeing with people, when deep down they disagree with them; letting the wrong people into their life and stopping the right people from coming in; allowing other people to tell one how they should or should not live their life and many other things.
The Swinging Door
In the western films, the doors not only swing one way, they also swing the other way. And when someone has no boundaries, they can play out a different role. Here, one might not be the one who is constantly being compromised; they may be the one who is causing others to be compromised.
Controlling others then becomes their normal way of functioning. But while the other person will be used to taking on other peoples realties; this person will try to make others take on theirs. To be controlled or to control, are just two expressions of the same coin.
In this scenario one can end up: trying to tell others what they should or should not be doing, thinking and feeling; treating others in a way that is disrespectful and abusive; wanting to make others say yes, when they should be saying no and vice versa and going onto another person’s personal space.
This is not something that is black and white and it can all depend on the context. One person could be controlling in one environment and end up being controlled in another.
Or one person could be controlled in one environment and in another situation; they could be the person who is controlling. So there are many factors in involved here. And what stays the same, is that one has no sense of where they begin and end and where other people begin and end.
While it may be clear that one is physically separate from others, it doesn’t mean that one feels emotionally separate. And this is a big reason as to why one can end up being controlled by others or try to control others.
For the person that is often controlled by others, they are likely to experience high levels of fear in the situations where they need to stand up for themselves. And for the person who typically tries to control others, they can feel a sense of being powerlessness within.
But even though this is describing two people, these feelings can be felt by the same person. So one person can come up against someone who appears stronger or more powerful in some way and ones fear of standing up for themselves could arise. The feeling of being powerless then becomes secondary in this situation.
And when one is with someone who comes across as being weaker and less influential, this fear will remain hidden and their feeling of being powerless will be what is made conscious. The fear is deeper and the feeling of powerlessness is what is on top of the fear.
These feelings will have associations and memories attached to them. So one will regress to the time when these feelings were first formed. And while the cause of these feelings may have taken place many years ago and have nothing to do with the people in ones present life, these feelings will be projected onto these people.
This means that one will act in the same way, feel the same way and think as they did when these feelings were originally caused.
The cause of these feelings could have been what has happened during ones adult years and another important time is when one was a child. As a child, one has no boundaries and comes to learn that they are separate from others and others are separate from them, through how their caregivers respond to them.
So if ones caregivers generally respected their personal space and allowed one to have their own thoughts, feelings wants and needs; then they would have gradually come to see that they were separate from others and others are separate from them.
If this didn’t take place, and ones caregivers generally compromised ones personal space and didn’t allow one to have their own thoughts, feelings needs and wants; then one would have come to see that they are not separate from others and others are not separate from them
This would mean that one would have come to see that it wasn’t safe for them to have a sense of self. What was safe was pleasing others and doing as they say. And to experience this over and over again, would have caused one to feel extremely powerless.
To Control Or To Be Controlled
Through this experience, one could then have come to the conclusion that the only way to feel a sense of power is to mimic ones caregivers. So going onto another’s persons apace and telling them what to do, becomes the only option for feeling a sense of power.
Or one could just end up regressing to how they felt at the time and allow other people to control them. So being controlled or controlling others, can seem like the only options available
But while these can appear to be the only choices, through rising above these dynamics, one can come to see that there is another choice. And that is to have self control. However, in order to have self control, one will have to let go of the feelings and emotions that have built up in their body.
These can be feelings of being powerless and that is it not safe to be oneself. As these are released, one will start to feel a sense of self control and with that one’s boundaries will gradually form.
This can be done with the assistance of a therapist or healer who allows one to face their feelings and emotions and release them.
Oliver JR Cooper
Teacher, Author, Transformational Writer & Consultant - With Over 2,000,000 Article Views Online.
That which is contained within these articles is based on my own empirical understanding and is true for me at the time they were written. However, as I continue to grow, what I perceive as the truth will inevitably change and as a result of this - parts of these articles may not reflect my current outlook.
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A Dialogue With The Heart - Part Two
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