When it comes to what a woman is going to be like, a man will have a set of expectations. And sometimes these can be consciously known and at other times, they can be completely unconscious. However, no matter whether these are conscious or unconscious, they will still have a massive impact on their relationships with the opposite sex. So if these expectations are generally fulfilling and functional, there is unlikely to be too many challenges that arise from having them. And yet, when these expectations are unfulfilling and dysfunctional, there is inevitably going to be challenges. On one side these challenges could be mildly frustrating, to being extremely difficult on the other. Validation When a man’s experiences with women reflect what they were expecting, they can come to see that they were right and a sense of validation will be achieved. Here, they will have experienced exactly what they expected to experience. If these expectations are unconscious, the man could then be surprised at what shows up. And everything could then be seen as being random and not having a deeper cause. But while these experiences can reflect what one expected to experience or be completely unexpected, there is nothing random about them. What one expects to experience with women is generally a consequence of their expectations. One is not simply an observer in this process, they are a co creator. Relationships And these expectations can appear in all of the relationships that one has with women. So this can apply to: family, friends, colleagues, lovers and every other kind of relationship that one can have with a woman. If one has expectations that are disempowering, then they could experience challenges in all types of relationships. But the relationship that is likely to have the biggest impact out of all these is an intimate relationship. The Key Area To have colleague or a family member who is unpleasant can be part of life and somewhat acceptable. And yet when one has an intimate relationship with a woman that is unfulfilling or abusive, it is going to be a problem. That is if one has even got this far, they might have made the decision to avoid women as much as they can. This could appear to be the only way to minimize the consequences that are created due to the expectations that they have. The Human Need It is a human need to emotionally connect to others and especially to intimately connect to another person. So if a man’s expectations cause him to continually attract women who are not kind, loving and supportive for instance, then an important human need may go unfulfilled; as a result of women being kept at a distance and intimacy being avoided. Examples There are going to be numerous expectations that a man can have in relation to women and some of these can be: · That women are distant · That women are abusive · That women are controlling · That women are unavailable · That women are cold · That women can’t be trusted · That women are self centred Safe These examples may not be functional or lead to healthy interactions with women, but they are what feel familiar to the ego mind. And what is familiar is what is classed as safe. So although they have no real benefit to one’s life, they feel comfortable at a deeper level. This is why the women, who one attracts into their life and is attracted to, can be the same. It’s because this is what feels right and if they were different to this, it wouldn’t feel right. The women who don’t match up to these expectations will be filtered out in some way. When other men attract women who are different, they could be classed as being lucky or different in some way. In reality, the difference is the kind of expectations that they have. Conflict At a conscious level one can have the desire to meet women who are a certain way and this can be in direct opposition to the expectations that are coming up from their body or the so called unconscious mind. And this is a form of self sabotage; instead of one feeling a sense of support within, they feel at odds with themselves. Their mind wants one thing and their body is craving something radically different. The reasons for this inner disharmony can come down to what has happened to one as an adult with women and it can relate to how one was treated by their mother during their early years. Childhood At this moment, a man could have had a mother that was: emotionally or physically unavailable and therefore didn’t respond to their needs or wants; was controlling, overbearing or even abusive. These moments would have caused one to feel certain feelings and emotions in response to what was taking place. And while some of these may have been expressed, others would have become trapped in the body. Reality This then became the model of what a woman was like and although these expectations are not functional or healthy, they become what felt safe. So a man can continue to attract and to be attracted to women who match these early experiences. Awareness Although there are all types of women in the world, the expectations that one has will largely define how they will see women and their experiences with them. And ones emotional history can remain in the body and this is creating the conflict between the body and mind. So as these trapped feelings and emotions are released from the body, ones experiences with women will begin to change. And as one feels different, their experiences will be different and their mind will gradually start to think differently. This can be done through the assistance of a therapist or healer who will allow one to face their feelings and emotions and release them. However, the approach will depend on how much of a challenge this is for a man.
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When someone has a relationship with another person, ideally, their body, heart and mind will be shared. This means there will be a physical connection, an emotional sharing and an intellectual exchange. But this doesn’t always take place and this means that one could have a relationship with another that is only physical and there may or may not be an intellectual side as well. So one could believe they are in a relationship and to the outsider, this could also look to be the case. Emotional Sharing However, without emotional sharing and receiving, it is not possible to have a real relationship. The talking and listening that allows for intimacy to develop, is unlikely to be there. And this is not simply talking about what one didn’t or didn’t do that day; it is a continual sharing of how one feels about themselves, the other person and the relationship. If this vulnerability does not exist, then there will be no openness and no progress will be able to be made. Each person will keep themselves to themselves and this will stop intimacy from developing. Trust will not grow, it will stay as it is, if there is any and it may even begin to subside, based on how the relationship is. Emptiness So to be in a relationship with someone who is not emotionally available is going to feel empty and there could be a sense that something is missing. One may be in the early stages or the latter stages of a relationship with someone and feel this emptiness. And they could experience a pattern and go from one person to another and experience the same occurrence over and over again. For someone who wants to experience a deeper sense of intimacy with another, this is going to be incredibly frustrating. The Attraction However, there is going to certain behaviours that will draw someone to this person. And there might also be promises that are made in order entice someone. But while this person may present the image of being available and willing to have a relationship, these are simply illusions. When in reality, they are not available or ready to be emotionally open. They may be ready to share their body though and yet these are very different things. One’s body can be shared with another and while sharing is taking place, one doesn’t have to be emotionally vulnerable in this situation. Their heart can remain closed and two bodies can come together. This can lead to momentary fulfilment, but it won’t lead too much else. Two Different Needs For the person who wants to share who they are, this will not be enough. So much more will be wanted and needed; to just share one’s body will never be enough. They have a heart that wants to be expressed and to connect to another person’s heart. However, for the person who is emotionally unavailable, this type of interaction will be all they can currently handle. To go any further could cause emotional pain to appear. Their heart is likely to be closed and this could be how they intend it to stay. Reasons So while the person is emotionally closed off and unwilling to open up, this is not something that just happened. Their behaviour may lead to others being emotionally hurt and yet they are only behaving in this way to protect themselves. And how someone ends up feeling, after being with someone who is emotionally available, can be exactly how the emotionally unavailable person is trying to avoid feeling through being closed off. The causes of this can be due what experiences one has had as an adult and the experiences they had as a child. During this time one would have opened themselves up to another person and this would mean they were vulnerable. As An Adult When someone opens up to another, there is always going to be a chance that the other person could hurt them in some way and vice versa. And this is not to say that it is always the result of some kind of infidelity or abusive behaviour for example. People grow and change and even though it may not have been their intention to hurt the other person, when emotional ties are created, this can’t always be avoided. And as a result of someone experiencing this emotional pain and not processing and healing what happened, they can shut down all feeling. While it protects them from pain, they are also denying themselves of what they truly need. And that is to emotionally connect with another person and people in general. Childhood What happens during ones childhood years can be the biggest influence and what takes place here can have an impact on all future relationships. So if one was emotionally wounded as a child, there will often be a conscious or unconscious expectation that the same thing will take place as an adult. Here, one could have been emotionally neglected by their caregivers or experienced some other kind of abuse. Or there could have been an accumulation of things that built up and caused one to close up. And unless this pain has been healed, it will be retriggered through the relationships that one has with others. This could take place with friends, but it is more likely to take place in relationships with the opposite sex. One can remain numb from their childhood onwards, to avoid having to face the pain again. Another Factor If one is not emotionally available, it can be because they are too close to one their parents. And this doesn’t have to be a relationship that is harmonious. It simply needs to be a relationship where someone’s attention and energy is being directed to the parent. As human beings, we only have so much energy to give and if this energy and attention is being given to a parent, then there is not going to be enough available for an intimate relationship. This kind of relationship with a parent would be described as enmeshment and can only exist due to a lack of boundaries. Awareness So in order for someone to become emotionally available, they will need to get in touch with the feelings and emotions that have become trapped in their body and release them. It won’t feel safe to open up while they remain in the body. And if they are too close to a parent, boundaries will need to be implemented. This may involve letting go of feelings and emotions that have remained in the body since one was a child. One can be assisted here by a therapist or healer that will allow one to get in touch with their feeling and emotions and release them. If one is continually attracted to people who are emotionally unavailable, it might be necessary to take a deeper look within themselves. As the other person could be reflecting back their own emotional unavailability and this means that some kind of letting go will need to occur.
When people work together and are all on the same side, so much can be achieved. If there is disharmony amongst people, problems can appear and this can lead to things being slowed down, or stopped completely. One example that comes to mind here is a sports team. When everyone in the team works together, amazing things can happen. But when just one of those members in the team is out of alignment with the rest, it can disrupt the whole ream. And the same thing applies to someone’s life. To have inner conflict can cause all kinds of challenges and some of these may be so insignificant that they are able to be ignored or overlooked. However, there will be other conflicts that are not possible to push to one side and this is because they are far too impactful to overlook. Outer Conflict It is often said that outer conflict is a sign of inner conflict. Here, one can experience outer struggles and strains as a consequence of what is going on internally. And yet if one is experiencing inner conflict, they often won’t have to look as far as that to come to the understanding that something is not right. How one feels, thinks and the emotions that they are experiencing, can cause a lot of inner unease and unrest. This will the mean that how one behaves will reflect what is going on inside and this is unlikely to functional. And as well as defining how ones behaves, how one sees the world and other people will also be defined by this inner conflict. So there are many different effects that can take place through having inner conflict. Self Sabotage One can have the need or desire to have something in their life and yet the opposing forces within stop one from doing what they need. This is often described as self sabotage and this is simply another name for inner conflict. Here, one has a desire to have something and yet doesn’t do what they need to do. Or one has attained exactly what it is they wanted and does one thing or a number of things to push it away. To the outsider, this can come across as very strange and not make any sense. One could be aware of why this is taking place or they might be as baffled as other people are. And wonder why they are not going after what they want or why they sabotage exactly what they want. Examples There are going to be many areas where this is experienced and the primary areas can be: relationships, success, health and finances. One may have the desire to have a loving relationship with another on one level and yet feel incredible fear when another person gets close to them. Or one may already be in a relationship that is loving and supportive and because they fell emotionally trapped, soon end the relationship. Soon after, a sense of regret and confusion may appear. The need to grow and express oneself is a natural and healthy need. And while one may desire to learn new skills or improve on the ones they have, there could be feelings that are so powerful that one doesn’t learn anything new or allow themselves to progress in life. These could relate to feelings of being rejected and abandoned if they were to be seen. To be in physical shape, by getting rid of weight or gaining weight, can be the intention. But while this desire is there, there can also be deeper fears that one will feel vulnerable if they lose or gain weight. So as they don’t feel that it is safe, they don’t go ahead with their plans or if they do, they stop before long. Inner Harmony These are just some examples of how inner conflict can affect someone’s life and there are many others. However, while inner conflict can seem normal and how life is, it is not a true reflection of how the body is. Life if often said to be a journey of letting go and realising that one is already whole and complete. But what gets in the way of this, is what one has picked up over their life. So while some kind of inner conflict could be described as normal; to experience extreme conflict, is a clear sign that something is not right. Emotions And Feelings To have emotions and feelings that come and go is part of life and yet this doesn’t always happen. They can end up staying in the body, trapped and therefore hidden from ones awareness. The mind can believe that they no longer exist and that’s the end of it. But while the mind can live in this delusion, the body is paying the price. The bodies vital organs, skin, bones and muscles, will be where they are stored. And how one sees life, behaves and the people they are attract and are attracted to, will be defined by these emotions and feelings. Now, one may be aware of these from time to time or at certain moments. Or they may be completely oblivious to them. When one is aware of them, they will see how their external reality is mirroring them. But if they are not, it can be one big mystery. Parasites And as these trapped feelings and emotions do not belong in the body, they can end up taking over. So instead of one’s life being a reflection of what is true for them and what will bring them real fulfilment; it becomes a reflection of these trapped emotions and feelings. Causes These could have been trapped in one’s body since they were a baby. The experiences one has as an adult can add to these and yet childhood experiences are often the biggest cause. Growing up in an environment where ones caregivers were physically or emotional unavailable can be key factors. Ones caregivers’ world have ignored and dismissed how one felt and so one had no choice but to push their feelings and emotions out of their awareness in order to survive. Awareness These emotions and feelings will need to be released from the body. Through this, one can let go of a lot of inner and outer conflict and gradually lead a life that reflects who they really are. This can be done through the assistance of a therapist or healer who allows one to get in touch with their feelings and emotions and release them.
Each one of us has wants and needs and yet that doesn’t mean that everyone is in touch with their wants and needs. It is also possible for someone to have wants and needs that are second hand and have nothing to do with what actually matters to them. It could be that one actually believes that what they want and need is coming from within them, when in reality; they are simply the result of following other people. And then there will be other people who have no idea what they want or need and are well aware of that fact. Inner Conflict While they may follow others and do what other people do, it doesn’t mean that have come to accept this way of life. There could be a lot of inner conflict and resistance, to what they are or are not doing in life. For the people who are out of touch with themselves, but don’t know it, they are unlikely to have as much inner conflict and resistance. In this case, there might be the rare occasion when they feel unfulfilled and yet it will often be covered up. What is gained through pleasing others may be enough to cover up the pain of not listening to themselves, at least in the short term. Happiness However, whether one is aware of the fact that they are not in touch with their needs and wants of not, it is going to be extremely difficult to feel a deep sense of happiness and fulfilment. It is through being in touch with these and acting upon them, that one can lead a life that is fulfilling, meaningful and empowering. If one is out of touch with what they need and want, it is going to be highly unlikely that they will feel that they are on track in life or that their life is worth living. Different Degrees Now, for some people this could mean they are completely out of touch with what they want and need and for others; this could just be a minor challenge. And it is clear that when someone has no clue about what they want and need, that they are going to suffer. They may feel that they are constantly compromising and pleasing others and while this may be true, they could be unaware of what they do want and need. Here, one can feel stuck and unable to do anything about their pain. A Mystery When one is completely out of touch with their needs and wants, they might even wonder if they really have any. As they are such a mystery to themselves, it may appear as though only other people have them. And all one can do is follow what other people suggest or are doing. To look outside and to others for guidance in what one should or should not be doing is then normal. For if one has no connection to themselves, then what other options are there. And there are many voices out there that are only too willing to tell someone what to do. This can range from: individuals, governments, religions, cults and other organisations. Consequences So this can lead to a whole host of consequences and some of these will be more noticeable than others. If one is in a relationship with someone out of approval and not because they are in sync with their true needs and wants, it is unlikely to be a fulfilling relationship. This could relate to: friends, colleagues, lovers and even family. Another big area will be ones career or lack of and this will be affected in a number of ways. One could be doing something that has no meaning to them or go from one job to another, looking for what will bring them fulfilment. Making decisions and taking action could also be an incredible challenge. For if one doesn’t know what they want or need, then how could they make a decision or take the right action. There is often talk about goals and how one needs to have them in order to progress and move forward in life. And this can sound simple enough for some people, but for the person who is unaware of what they want and need, this can be extremely difficult to do. So as one is out of touch with themselves, it can then become a self perpetuating cycle and one’s life either stays the same or moves very slowly. Feelings This can cause one to feel: frustrated, angry, powerless, hopeless, depressed and cut off for example. One could feel different to others, but not in a way that makes them feel unique. Different in a way that means other people have something they do not have. The Occurrence In some instances, this may have been something that occurred to someone as they got older. In the beginning, one may have thought that they knew what they wanted, but as time has passed, they have come to see that it has never fulfilled them. And for others, this will be something that has been a challenge since they were young. It is not something that has just appeared, but how they have always felt. Causes One of the biggest factors in whether one is aware of what they need and want is how their primary caregiver responded to them during their early years. An Analogy These wants and needs are like a seed; if a seed is looked after it will typically grow. If the seed is ignored or forgotten about, it will have no choice but to stay as it is and therefore nothing will happen. And ones needs and wants are very similar to this seed. They will not disappear or go away just because they are not given the right attention and care, but they won’t come to life either. Empathic Caregiver When ones caregiver is emotional aware, developed and in tune; they can respond to the Childs needs and wants. And this will allow the Childs needs and wants to gradually blossom. Through the caregiver responding to these needs and wants, the child begins to learn that they are important and that it is safe to have them This is not to say that the caregiver will always respond to these needs and wants, but in the majority of cases they will. Unempathic Caregiver However, when ones caregiver is emotionally unaware, undeveloped and out of tune; they are unlikely to respond to the Childs needs and wants. What they are likely to do is project their own unmet needs and wants onto the child. And as this happens, the child will have to deny and disconnect from their own wants and needs. The child will have no choice, as its survival rests on pleasing the caregiver, so it will learn that it is not safe to have needs and wants. And that their needs and wants are not important; one will feel ashamed for having them. In this case the child has become the caregiver and the caregiver has become the child; often described as a role reversal. Awareness As a child and then as an adult, one can end up being extremely good at knowing what other people want and need, but completely oblivious as to what their own needs and wants are. And as their formative years were about fulfilling other people’s needs and wants, this is not much of a surprise - it is to be expected. One challenge that one can have when it comes to getting back in touch with themselves, is feeling that it is not safe to have wants and needs. During those early years, one will have experienced a lot of emotional pain through having to deny their needs and wants. And this emotional pain could have become trapped in the body, as no one was there to regulate the pain. This means that the emotional pain can be creating an inner block and stopping one from connecting to what matters. The emotional pain can be released through the assistance of a therapist or healer. And as this disappears, one will start to experience a better connection to themselves and gradually feel that it is safe to have needs and wants.
There are numerous challenges in the world today and some of these challenges are to do with emotions; from depression, to suicide and a whole myriad of other things. And emotions cannot simply be ignored or dismissed. They deserve and need as much attention as ones diet or physical health. However, while diet and exercise are given plenty of exposure in the media and other sources, emotions are generally overlooked. Emotions can then become something that one: ignores, covers up, runs away from, fights or gets caught up in. To understand or get in touch with them is then not the focus point; what matters is either pretending they don’t exist or to end up being controlled by them. Two Common Approaches So this can then lead to one thinking that these are the only options available. One either denies how they feel and uses some kind of repression. Or, they go the other way and has no emotional control. And in today’s society, the first option is typically preferred. These people may be emotionally num and completely out of touch with how they feel or just cover up how they feel and pretend that everything is fine. When it comes to the people who are emotionally out of control and exercise very little restraint, they are often labelled as being unstable. The ideal So it is fairly clear that neither of these approaches work as a general way of dealing with emotions and feelings. There is always likely to be moments when one denies how they feel or instantly express how they feel. And that is to be expected; we are only human after all and our self awareness will desert us from time to time. Ideally, one would generally be able to just be with their emotions or to seek the assistance or another person to help them hold the space when this is not possible and neither react to them or repress them. And this ability would have been developed, in most cases, during ones childhood. But this is not something that always takes place due to a number of reasons. And this can be the result of having caregivers who were are emotionally undeveloped, unavailable or out of tune with their own emotions. When this takes place, one can grow up having no understanding of their emotions and not having the ability to regulate them. One can develop this ability in later life, but this if often the exception and not the rule. And as their caregivers were not there to regulate how they felt, the emotions and feelings that one felt at that time could have ended up being trapped in one’s body. Consequences This means that not only can one’s body end up carrying a lot of emotions and feelings and therefore be emotionally overloaded, but one also doesn’t have the ability to regulate their emotions either. So it’s like having a problem and yet having no way of solving it. It is then not just present day emotions and feelings that one has to either repress or express without control, but emotions and feelings that are coming up from the body. These could have been there since one was a child, baby and even when they were in the womb. Anger And anger is one of the common emotional challenges in the world today. Not simply being angry on the odd occasion or when it is required; but feeing overly angry all of the time or when it is not appropriate for example. Here once can react with extreme anger when anger is not required or perhaps when expressing anger in a more controlled way might have been better. This person feels extreme anger and is not in control of their anger; they are being controlled by anger. Popular Solutions One of the options for someone who has anger problems is to participate in some kind of anger management program. Other options involve certain breathing techniques or changing how one behaves. These can lead to reduced anger and therefore to responding to situations in a more balanced way. However, what is not always looked at is what is going on at a deeper level. And if one has anger problems, it is often an indicator of inner unrest. Survival Mechanism Because even though anger is what is creating problems, anger is a secondary occurrence. Anger typically appears when one feels violated and under threat in some way. Through being angry, one feels energised and empowered. Here, one can have the courage to stand their grand and to protect themselves. A Deeper Level So for the person who has anger problems, there is likely to be deeper feelings that relate to being violated in some way. These could be a consequence of what has happened in their adult life and it could be due to what happened to them during their childhood years. And just because this happened all those years ago, it doesn’t mean that one is no longer affected by it. These feelings that relate to being violated or compromised can remain trapped in the body. Reality Through these feelings being looked inside ones body, one will continue to recreate situations that mirror these early experiences and to interpret them in ways that do - even if they don’t. In the beginning one may have had to constantly be on alert to protect themselves, but while times have changed, the body has not. And the body naturally wants to release these feelings in order to heal, but the mind can stop this process from taking place. And yet if one is out of touch with their body, the only thing that can register is anger. This is because anger will be on top and what is under the anger can remain hidden for as long as one is stuck in their anger. Awareness Anger can be primary focus and yet anger is simply an effect, it is not cause. To repress anger is not healthy and when it has built up, expressing it can be unhealthy and dangerous in some instances. By getting in touch with the feelings and emotions that are below the anger and releasing them, one will no longer need to feel as angry. Here, one will be less likely to attract situations where they feel violated or to interpret situations in this way. This can be done with the assistance of a therapist or healer, who allows one get in touch with their feelings and emotions and release them.
When a man and a woman first get together it can be going along nicely and as soon as things start to become a little more serious, a man can begin to pull away. This is naturally going to be confusing for the woman and may make no sense whatsoever. And it can depend on how connected the woman felt to the man, as to how she responds to what took place. If everything was going well and there was the potential for so much more to occur, then there is higher chance that there will not only be anger and frustration, but also a sense of sadness and even loss. It could be devastating and the consequences could be severe; especially if this is something she has experienced time and time again. A one off may be dismissed, but to continually attract a man who is unavailable could be overwhelming and hard to comprehend. Reasons There is often said to be a whole range of reasons as to why a guy would pull away. And these can include a guy that is: not fully interested in the women, is at a stage where he is not ready to settle down or doesn’t want to lose his freedom, amongst other reasons. These can sound reasonable and may settle a women’s mind. However, if they are with a man who is into them just as must as they are into him, these are unlikely to really answer a woman’s questions. As it was going well and flowing along nicely, it would be clear that the interest is there. And while the man may not be ready to settle down, if he has met someone he has clicked with, surely he would be open to going further. Certain freedoms may be lost, but other freedoms would be gained along the way. At first these reasons might settle a woman’s thoughts and emotions, but based on the human need to connect with another human being, it is often more about someone’s level of emotional maturity that it is about these other reasons. In The Beginning From the start the man could come across as being fairly interested or he could across as being extremely into the woman. And if the man was extremely keen in the beginning, it is going to be more of a shock when he pulls away. This could be man that is in regular contact and one who wants to spend as much time as possible with the woman and take her to places. Or in the case of a guy who is fairly interested, this might just include wanting to see her on a regular basis and to keep everything fairly consistent. So at one moment, a woman can feel that the man is into her and everything is going so well. And the next moment, the man can become: cold, distant and completely unavailable. Hot And Cold While the above could be what happens, it could also be something that goes in cycles. So it is not a case of the man being available and then not being available and that’s the end of it. The man could be available and then unavailable and then after a while become available again and the cycle then continues. When this happens, a woman could end up being taken advantage of and compromising, if she hasn’t got strong boundaries. The man could then be pursued and come to conclude that his behaviour is acceptable to the woman. And if a woman is constantly attracting these kinds of men into her life, then it could be a sign of her own fear of intimacy. Consciously there may be the desire to connect with a man and to avoid being abandoned and at a deeper level; there could be a fear of being engulfed by one. The Unavailable Man So as he is available at first and then shortly after becomes unavailable, it is likely that he has a fear of intimacy at a deeper level. The reason he comes on so strong at first could relate to his conscious fear of being abandoned. And as the relationship grows stronger, his deeper fear of being engulfed arises. When he pulls away and this deeper fear settles down, the fear of being abandoned can arise once more and the interest can reappear. These fears are not necessarily problems per se, what can lead to problems are when these fears are reacted to, instead of faced, processed and healed. Causes One of the primary causes of this type of behaviour and these inner fears that causes it is the relationship a man had with his mother as a child. This could have been a mother that was emotional undeveloped and so used her son to take care of her own needs and wants. And as she was not aware of her own behaviour and out of tune with her sons needs, she ended up smothering her son in the process. The son would have wanted his mother to fulfil his wants and needs, but would have feared being smothered if this took place. Whether he got attention or not would therefore lead to the experience of pain. To be left would cause the feeling of being abandoned, but if the mother was available it would result in the feeling of being engulfed. Awareness These inner fears are creating conflict for the man and until they become aware of them, there is unlikely to be any real change. These fears and emotions, that have remained trapped in the body since those early years, can be released with the assistance of a therapist or a healer. When a woman feels completely comfortable with intimacy, it is unlikely that she would be attracted to a man who is not. So a woman may also have some letting go to do.
It is often said that ‘Actions speak louder than words’ and while this saying has been around for a very long time, it doesn’t mean that this advice is always followed. At times, it can be difficult to pay attention to anything but the words that are being spoken. When this happens, what someone says is all important and their actions then become ignored or even irrelevant. And at this point, another person could say whatever they wanted and it would be believed. On one side this could be somewhat frustrating and on the other it could lead to all kinds of pain and suffering. It will all depend on where this mismatch is occurring and what it relates to. The Onlooker But while one can end up being taken for a ride by someone as a result of believing what they say and not paying attention to what they do; other people can often see what is taking place. This can be a trusted friend, family member or a colleague and to them, it is obvious what is going on. They may be able to see it clearly and yet that doesn’t mean that one will pay attention to their input and come to the same conclusion. One factor can be how emotionally attached one has become to the other person. And the stronger this connection is, the harder it can be to see things in a balanced way. Emotional Attachment For if human beings were robots and had no feelings or emotions our vision would rarely be clouded. And while some people might see this as being a good way to function, it would be a very dull existence to say the least. When some kind of emotional attachment has been formed, logical, rational thought and intuition often give way. So another’s actions can begin to fade and theirs words become all important and meaningful. An Idea The mind will have become attached to an idea and this idea will lead to one feeling a certain way. So to let go of this idea, even though it may not reflect reality, can lead to one experiencing pain. And any evidence that goes against this idea will often be filtered out in some way. Perhaps one will ignore or dismiss anything that proves that what another person is saying is somewhat inaccurate or completely false. Self Delusion And once this process has gone on for long enough, one may no longer be able to see reality; all they will be able to see is what their mind allows them to see. This could result in one letting someone off for something small and insignificant and the consequences might then be able to be forgotten about without too much trouble being caused. Or the stakes could be a lot higher and this could mean that the consequences won’t be able to be overlooked and will therefore have a greater impact on one’s life. An Example The key areas here are going to be with ones partner, family, friends and colleagues. For example, one could go shopping and ask about when a certain type of ice cream was going to be available and be told how it would be next week. When the following week arrived and they were told the same story, one could believe what is being said. To believe what is being said and ignoring what is actually taking place in this instance, is unlikely to lead to too many problems. However, if one was to believe their partner when they say they are not cheating, while it is clear that they are; the consequences are going to be far worse. Another common example is when one person in a relationship says they love or appreciate the other and yet they are often too busy to meet or rarely make any effort. Short Tern Relief In the short term it may lead to less pain and to some kind of pleasure being experienced. But in the long run, there is inevitably going to come a time when what is actually going on has to be faced. When this emotional attachment takes place, it can be hard to function and see as one usually would. And so while one can judge or blame themselves for allowing another person to lie or take advantage of them, this could happen to anyone in their position. Awareness If one has become so attached to someone that they find it hard to see clearly, it would be a good idea to seek the advice of other people. Here, another person can supply a balanced view when one is unable to do so. One could also write down on one side of a piece of paper what someone has said and on the other what they have actually done and see how these two match up. This will enable one to bring clarity into the situation. Another option would be to seek the assistance of a therapist or healer and face the feelings that one is trying to avoid by believing another’s words and not their actions. As this takes place, one will gradually be able to face reality.
What is common in today’s world and throughout history is control, but in most cases this is not self control, it is the control of others. And this can be seen at all levels of the modern day world. From the personal relationships that people have, to the authority figures of the world. To have certain amount of control is healthy and not dysfunctional or unhealthy per se. It is when this natural need is taken to the extreme that problems can arise. This could relate to someone who tries or does control their spouse, family, friends or children. And then to authority figures who have greater control due to their position, who desire to control hundreds or even millions of people. So it is clear that there are many areas of control and that it can take place in people’s houses as well as society the world at large. In many ways it has become normal and what people expect to experience in life. Feelings It is often said that everything we do is for a feeling. So by attaining something, one can feel different; either momentarily or for a while. Once this feeling has gone, one may be able to do the same thing all over again. This can all depend on how they are trying to feel for instance. If someone feels exhausted and wants to feel relaxed or they feel low on energy and want to feel more alive, then this is not necessary going to result in one needing to control another. One can watch a film or have a lay down to relax or they can go to the gym or have a run to gain more energy. But if one feels that they have no control over certain situation or their whole life, then this can lead to a different set of consequences. Control Here one can feel the need to control other people and this can be for a short while or last for quite some time. And one may try to control some people in their life and this could go as far as trying to control everyone. In most cases, the primary control one has is over themselves and in how they respond to what takes place in their life. So one can act in certain ways and what then happens is often out of their control. Self Control To do this, one will need to have a sense of self control. For if one doesn’t have this, there will be a greater need to control what is going on externally. And yet if one has a lot of emotional unrest going on, it can be extremely difficult to have self control. While they may be just feelings and not reflect reality, they can be incredible powerful and define how someone sees themselves, others and life. Out Of Control Being out of control within can result in someone wanting to control other people. But, although other people can be controlled and these inner feelings can be covered up, they won’t simply go away. One can literally feel powerless within and it can also relate to being emotionally out of control. Here, one could feel powerless as a consequence of feeling rejected, abandoned, hopeless or cut off for example. These feelings can be so strong, that one can come to conclude that controlling others it the only way to deal with them. Emotional Build Up The reason these feelings can be so powerful is due to them building up over someone’s life. People and certain events may appear to make one feel powerless, but these are often triggering the feelings and emotions that have built up. And while these can be from experiences that one has had as an adult, they are often the result of what happened when one was a child. Childhood If one had a caregiver that was emotionally available and in tune, it would mean that in most cases one would have had their needs and wants met. And during times of emotional unrest they would have been regulated by their caregiver. So they wouldn’t have had to deny how they felt or push it out of their awareness to survive. However, if their caregiver was emotionally unavailable and out of tune, they would have had their needs and wants ignored in most cases. And when one felt emotionally unstable, their caregiver may have been dismissive or absent in some way. This means that the pain they experienced would have gone into their body; simply because no one was around to regulate their emotions. There may have been moments of mild to extreme abuse and this would have created pain, but there would only be one place for it to go and that would be in the body. The Body So as the emotions and feelings were stored in the body and not processed, they will define how one feels. Ones muscles, bones, skin and organs will carry the burden. And when these are triggered, self control can completely disappear. The mind can think whatever it wants, but the body will over power the mind. It’s the difference between a rain drop and a tidal wave. Awareness As these feelings and emotions are released, one will start to experience a better connection with their body and self control will be a natural consequence. The need to control others will subside and this is because as one feels a greater sense of personal control, there won’t be the need to use others to cover up how they feel. One will know and trust that their needs and wants will be met and fulfilled in most cases. This can be done through the assistance of a therapist or healer who allows one to face their feelings and release them.
It is part of human nature to look to others for guidance in how to behave and what is right or wrong for instance. And this is not good or bad; it is just how things are. What can turn it into something dysfunctional and unhealthy is when someone copy’s behaviours and ways of being that are destructive, abusive or dangerous. During ones early years it is normal to look to others and this is because one is still forming their sense of self. This means they are constructing their identity and learning about what they like and don’t like. Childhood And with the guidance of one’s caregivers, family and teachers for instance, one can come to form a healthy sense of self. When one doesn’t have this early support, it can lead to an over reliance on external guidance and to falling prey to ways that are harmful to oneself and others. If this sense of self doesn’t exist, having an inner sense of what is right or wrong, often described as a moral compass, can also be missing. This person can be someone who is easily influenced, manipulated and controlled. So the childhood years are essential when it comes to the formation of a healthy sense of self. Guidance But regardless of whether one has a strong sense of self or not, to some degree or another, other people will still be looked upon for guidance. And as time has passed, different people have been sought. Many years ago it would have related to religious leaders and while this still happens today, it is not as common as it once was. If one went back even further, it would be philosophers who were look to for guidance. As time went by, musicians and actors were gradually phased in and became the new idols for people to mimic. In today’s world, it has gone on to include all celebrities and these are not always singers or actors. A celebrity is can now be someone who is just famous because they are famous and not because they have contributed anything worthwhile. Social Networking Through social networking, it has allowed people to be in constant contact with celebrities. And only a few years ago, this would have been impossible. Now their exposure is much greater and so they have a bigger impact on their admirers and followers. Criticism And as these celebrities can have so much influence over people, they are often criticised and condemned for what they share with their fans. This is especially true for musician’s whose fan base is made up of minors or people below a certain age. These can be people who have not developed their sense of self yet due to their age or simply haven’t developed one at all and are therefore more vulnerable to what these celebrities say and do. So their followers can end up mimicking what they see, without questioning if it is healthy or not. The New Gods While these celebrities are only human beings, they are often seen as being godlike figures. And just because they are good singers or actors for instance, it doesn’t always mean that they are good examples in any other way. However, as a result of the exposure that they have, people can look to them for all kinds of guidance; from how to talk to people, how to behave, how to dress and what will lead to happiness, amongst other things. In some cases these could be fine, but in others it could be far from functional or healthy. Role Models The criticism of these celebrities is not going to go away any time soon and yet this is to be expected. If someone is in the public eye, they have a big responsibility. One can look at them and admire one aspect and then end up seeing them as being perfect in every way. This is often described as the halo effect, where just because someone has one positive trait, the mind assumes that they have many others. And while this can be the case, it is not always so. Critical Thinking One approach is to use critical thinking and to question whether one should be looking towards someone for guidance or not. In some instances a celebrity will have many functional traits and in others, they may have one or maybe even two, but not a lot more. This will often depend on how strong someone’s sense of self is and if they have the ability to think critically. If one only sees one example of how to be, there will be nothing to compare it with and to see if it is actually a moral way to be. Sense Of Self Another important element here will be to have a strong sense of self and will typically lead to having strong boundaries. This will allow one to have an idea of who they are and who they are not. So instead of following anyone or believing anything, they will have the ability to question if it fits with their own truth. And as one grows and changes, who they admire and look to for guidance will often change. To have a role model doesn’t mean that one gives their power away and sees another as superior; one is simply inspired and mentally and emotionally nourished by them.
There are certain behaviours that are going to cause problems in a relationship and could even sabotage one from taking place, and one of those behaviours is when someone is clingy. This can appear at the start of a relationship or it can appear as a relationship develops. For the person on the receiving end of this behaviour, it can feel smothering and overwhelming. At first it may be bearable, but over time it could become unbearable. And for others, it could be something that causes them to end the relationship as soon as this type of behaviour takes place. It will often depend on how tolerant someone is and whether they talk to the other person about what is going on. Some people will open a dialogue about how they feel and some people will just walk away. The Clinger However, just because someone is clingy, it doesn’t necessary mean that they are aware of their behaviour and how destructive it can be. At the beginning of a relationship they can find themselves becoming extremely attached to the other person. And while it may only be the start of the relationship, to them it can feel as though it has been going on for a lot longer. It is not case of merely wanting to feel connected to the other person; it is a feeling of wanting to completely merge with them. Just being with them is not enough; one has to feel a part of their lives in every way that is possible. Boundaries are not something they want to exercise or put up with, what they often want is to enmesh with the other person. And this is rarely something that is consciously thought about, with it often being an unconscious compulsion. Behaviours How this is known can vary from person to person and depend on what the context is. And yet there will often be common patterns that take place when someone is clingy. This person can be: needy, intrusive, overbearing and overwhelming. They can have the need for constant attention and reassurance; with regular and consistent contact being required. At the most extreme, this could relate to them wanting to see the other person at every moment possible and to know what they are and are not doing. Jealousy can be another challenge here, as one thing clingy people have difficulty with is trust. So thoughts that the other person is cheating or doing things without them can be everyday occurrences. If they stop speaking to the other person or don’t hear from them for a while, all kinds of fear and anxiety can arise. Trust If they could trust the other person, then there would not be the need for these behaviours. One of the ideas they will have about the other person is ‘if I don’t remind them that I am here, I might be ignored or forgotten about’. And while this is one of the beliefs that underpin these behaviours, if the other person is not interested, acting in these ways won’t cause them to stay. In fact, acting in these ways will more than likely push them away. When this happens, one is likely to feel abandoned. And this is the very feeling that they are trying to avoid by being clingy. Abandonment It is unlikely to be a feeling that can be ignored and pushed out of ones awareness. It can be a feeling that is extremely overpowering and overwhelming. And due to the intensity, a clinger needs constant reassurance from another to stop this feeling from surfacing. This is a feeling that could have built up over ones adult life and the original cause can go back to when one was a child. At this time, it was not just a feeling that one had; it would have been an experience that felt like death. Childhood Ideally one would have had a caregiver that was emotionally available and in tune in most cases. But when this doesn’t happen, there is going to be a greater possibility that one was physically and emotionally abandoned on a continual basis. Caregivers are not perfect and so there is going to be moments when a child feels abandoned. At this age, it is going to be a feeling that is overwhelming and one that feels like the end of the world. And as the caregiver is not around, one will have had to have pushed these feelings out of their awareness and they would then end up being trapped in one’s body. The Present Day Now, although this all happened many years ago, as the feelings of abandonment are still trapped in one’s body, they are defining how one feels and behaves. Physically one may be an adult, but emotionally one can feel just like they did as a child. The challenge is that while they have the same feelings, the person they want to be in a relationship with or are in a relationship with, is an individual and not their caregiver. And while ones caregiver should have been unconditional in their love and attention; another person can only be conditional. To expect a caregiver to be there in most cases is normal and yet when one has the same expectation form an adult, it can cause them to pull away. Here, the trapped feelings will be retriggered and one can come to conclude that they are being caused by the other person. The Other Side But even though this person can have a fear of abandonment, as they were abandoned so much as a child, they can have a deeper fear of being smothered or engulfed by another person. And as this fear exists at a deeper level, they can end up being attracted to people who are unavailable. So there fear of being abandoned is going to be constantly retriggered. Awareness These feelings that are trapped in the body will need to be released. And this can be done with the assistance of a therapist or healer that allows one to face them. As this takes place, one will move on from this dynamic and no longer be attracted to people who are distant or overwhelming. And then real intimacy can take place.
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Oliver JR CooperAuthor of 26 books, Transformational Writer, Teacher & Consultant. Introductory Consultation
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Disclaimer
That which is contained within these articles is based on my own empirical understanding and is true for me at the time they were written. However, as I continue to grow, what I perceive as the truth will inevitably change and as a result of this - parts of these articles may not reflect my current outlook.
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