There are some people who are in touch with who they are, and then there are some people who are not. But while some people are going to be aware of the fact that they are out of touch with themselves, there are going to be other people who are not aware
However, when one is in touch with who they are, their life is naturally going to be lot more fulfilling than if they were not. This is going to mean that one’s actions are generally going to be aligned with their needs and feelings.
There are likely to be times when this isn’t the case and one has to go against themselves, but this is not going to be a way of life. It will happen from time to time and because this is not the norm, it is going to be easier to handle.
If, on the other hand, this was a way of life and something that happened all the time, it is going to be unbearable. But as unbearable as it is, it could be seen as how life is and one may have resigned themselves to living this way.
So when one is in touch with who they are, it means they are connected to their true self. And this is not something that is fixed, it relates to what is taking place within them at each moment of their life. What was true at one point in time might not be true at another and therefore, ones true self is likely to change as time passes.
This means that there is nothing inherently mysterious about the true self and one doesn’t necessarily need to travel all around the world to find it. They simply need to get in touch with what is taking place within them.
People change and so, it is to be expected that their needs and desires are going to change as time passes. How one feels is also going to change, but one is always going to have feelings.
One will need to be in touch with what is going on within them and through doing this, their true self won’t become a mystery. It will be something that governs their life and therefore, allows them to experience a life that is fulfilling.
In an ideal world, every human being on the planet would be connected to themselves and the life they live would be an expression of what is true for them. And for some people, this is going to be how their life is.
This could cause them to believe that everyone else is in touch with their true self or they might wonder why someone could be out of touch with themselves. What is clear is that one is going to be a lot happier when they’re living a life that reflects who they are, as opposed to what doesn’t.
If one is not following their truth, they are going to be following what is true for others or what they think is true. Their point of focus is then on doing what will please other people and not on what is in alignment with their own truth.
So one is going to gain the approval of others and this will affect how they feel, but it won’t remove the pain that is also being created. This could be pain that they’re aware of or it could be just out of their awareness. As if one was to admit to how they truly feel, it might be overwhelming.
And although living this way is going to be unfulfilling and cause one to suffer, it doesn’t mean that one can just let go of their need to please others. It is likely to be what feels comfortable and as they are likely to have lived this way for so long, they might not even know what they need or what their true feelings are.
Their true self is then a mystery and something they are not connected to. And while this could be how their life has been for a number of years, it could be how their life has always been. One is then no longer wearing a mask, they are the mask.
It can be hard for one to understand why they’re out of touch with themselves and this is understandable. And while this is normal, it is not something that just happened; there is a reason for it.
One may look back on their life and find that they have always been this way, or they might find it hard to remember when it all started. And this is because their false self was created many years ago.
Even though ones adult experiences would have reinforced ones false self, they are unlikely to have been the cause of it. The false self is generally something that one creates during their childhood years. And it is not something that one chooses to develop; it is something they had to develop in order to survive.
This would have been a time where ones needs and feelings were ignored and denied, and what took their place were the needs and feelings of their caregiver/s; a role reversal has then taken place. Due to these experiences, one learns that they can only survive by pleasing others and pleasing others means playing a role.
And as ones needs and feelings were not noticed, validated or responded to, one is not able to develop a connection to what is taking place within them. One is taught to focus on the needs and feelings of other people.
This would have then caused one to believe that their needs and feelings are unimportant. Having needs would be something to be ashamed of and therefore one would have to hide them. If there needs were to arise, one would end up feeling guilty.
Getting in touch with ones true self is going to take time and one may be carrying a lot of emotional pain underneath the mask that they have been wearing for most of their life. And although it is painful to wear the mask, one can believe that it would be even more painful if they were to take the mask off.
This is why external assistance is often needed and this can be supplied by a therapist, healer and/or some kind of support group.
If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article.
Oliver J R Cooper
Emotional Awareness: Is Emotional Awareness An Important Part Of Being Able To Take Responsibility For How We Feel?
Each experience that one has in life is going to play a part in how they feel. In some cases, how one feels will reflect what has taken place and at other times, it won’t. And this is because what has happened externally has triggered feelings from the past.
This inner experience could relate to something that happened a few weeks ago or even a few years. This shows that there is a least two factors when it comes how one feels when something happens in their life. And what will also play a part in both of these factors is how one’s mind interprets what takes place.
And regardless of what factors are involved when it comes to why one feels as they do, at times one is going to feel good and at times they are going to feel bad. There also are going to be moments where they experience both sides of the spectrum.
This means that one is going to have moments in their life where they want to embrace how they feel and moments where they don’t want to embrace how they feel. It is human nature to avoid pain and so, this is to be expected.
However, although one is not going to experience feelings that are always pleasurable, there are going to be times when they will need to hold the experience within them, this means that one is not reacting to how they feel and neither are they denying how they feel.
This will then give one to chance to decide how their feelings are going to shape their actions. This doesn’t mean that one will never react to how they feel or deny how they feel; there are inevitably going to be times when it is not possible or even necessary for one to hold their experience.
In order for one to do this, they’re going to need to be aware of how they feel. And as well as being aware, one will need to be able to regulate their emotional experience. Being aware is one thing, but if ones emotions are out of control, it won’t matter how aware they are.
When this ability doesn’t exist, there is the chance that one will end up reacting to how they feel and/or doing everything they can to change how they feel. So if one is aware of how they feel and they are able to regulate how they feel, it is likely to mean that they take responsibility for their feelings.
However, if one is not aware of how they feel and is also unable to regulate how they feel, it is likely to be normal for them to react to their feelings and/or to repress them in some way. There is then less chance of one being able to take responsibility for how they feel.
It is then going to be normal for one to blame other people for how they feel and they can end up being highly judgmental. This is something that can happen out of one’s awareness and although other people might wonder how they could be unaware of what is happening, they’re unable to see what is taking place.
When one holds their emotional experience within them, they’re accepting how they feel. This means that how they feel is not labelled as being bad or that they shouldn’t feel as they do.
However, when one is unable to do this and ends up labelling how they feel, there is a strong chance that they will end up repressing how they feel. And while this could be a one off, it could also be a way of life.
So when one is in a position where they’re not aware of what is taking place within them, it is going to appear as though other people are causing them to feel a certain way. This could cause one to engage in behaviour that is abusive and they could end up feeling like a victim.
Their lack of awareness is then causing them to ham other people and to harm themselves. But based on their level of awareness, their outlook reflects the truth and they’re playing no part in how they feel.
Now, while it is often said that being judgmental is a bad thing, it is part of one’s ability to survive. However, when one represses how they feel and is no longer aware of what they have repressed, it can cause them project their issues onto other people.
Consciously they are unaware of what is taking place, but what they are judging in other reminds them of something they have disowned within themselves. This could relate to something they have repressed for many years and they have then forgotten that they have forgotten.
Emotional Build Up
So whether one is blaming other people for how they feel or judging someone else’s behaviour, it can be a sign that they’re unaware of what is going on at an emotional level. And if one has allowed their emotions to build up over the years, it is going to be difficult for them to contain their emotions.
There is the chance that one is not only holding onto emotions from their adult years but also from their childhood years. And this is going to make it difficult for them to be aware of their emotions and to regulate them.
For one to own how they feel, it is going to be important for them to gradually form a relationship with their emotions. If this is too painful, then one might need to work with a therapist or some kind of healer.
And then if one has trapped emotions, they can be released and one can begin to increase their emotional awareness in the process. Through doing this, one will gradually develop their ability to regulate how they feel and this will allow them to contain their emotional experiences when it is necessary.
If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article.
Oliver J R Cooper
When one is unable to let go, they’re going to end up using their energy to hold onto what they no longer need. And as they no longer need what they’re holding onto, it is not going to affect their ability to receive anything new.
What one is holding onto no longer has a purpose and it is therefore going to lead to inner conflict. And while this could be something that is affecting one area of their life, it could be something that is having an impact on every area.
This inner block is then stopping one from being able to embrace life and to live in the present moment. But while this might be something they are aware of and/or something the people around them are aware of, it doesn’t mean that one can just let go.
There is the chance that one tells themselves that they need to let go, and this could be something they hear from the people in their life. Here, one experiences pressure from the inside and from the outside.
So if not being able to let go wasn’t enough already, one is likely to experience additional pressure. And while what they tell themselves and what other people say can sound logical and the ‘right’ thing to do, one can end up wondering why they can’t let go.
The need to let go is on one side, but on the other side is the need is to hold on. And all the time this is the case, one is going to be unable to completely let go of what no longer serves them.
They may find that they have been able to let go of certain things for instance, but that this is as far as it goes. There is then certain point they can get to and then they are unable to go any further.
This can relate to anger and how one is holding onto an experience or a number of experiences where they were taken advantage of. Perhaps one is still experiencing a since of loss after relationship has ended and they are unable to move on.
One may find that they are unable to let go of what happened many years ago and while time has passed, they’re still caught up in what took place. During these years, one may have been abused, neglected and/or lost someone that they were close to, for example.
Weeks, months and even years may have passed, but one still feels the same. So as well as the problems that it could cause in regards to being able to receive, to live in the present moment and to experience inner harmony, it could also cause one to experience physical problems.
And this is because their body has to hold onto the emotional weight and so there are bound to be consequences. One can feel tired and weighed down, and their mind is likely to reflect the emotional build up in their body. As a way to handle what is going on in the body, the mind can end up being obsessive and out of control.
In the self development world it is not uncommon for the ego to be blamed whenever one experiences some kind of inner or outer challenge. And this has caused the ego to be demonized by a lot of people and to be seen as ‘bad’.
However, the ego is there to keep one alive, amongst other things and therefore it is not something that one could live without. When something is familiar, it will be classed as safe by the ego.
However, just because something has kept one alive at one point in time, it doesn’t mean that they need it to keep them alive at another. What at first saved them could end up harming their life or even killing them at another point.
In order for one to let go of how they feel, they will need to face their feelings. This means that one will need to feel them and not avoid them. However, this is only going to happen if one feels safe, if they don’t, they’re going to stop this process from taking place.
They might express certain emotions, such as anger, but not allow themselves to go deeper and to express their full range of emotions. And this is going to be due to the associations they have formed around expressing how they feel.
On one side, one will need to feel that it is safe to express how they feel and on the other, one will need to be in an environment where they feel safe. This applies to whether one is looking to let go of how they feel by themselves or whether they are working with a therapist.
If one is working with a therapist, then it will be vital that they feel safe around them. A therapist will provide the external support one needs to gradually let go. If one doesn’t feel safe, then one is likely to only get so far and to sabotage their growth.
So if one was to express how they feel, they might believe that they will be rejected, abandoned and/or harmed in some way. At a deeper level, they might believe that they would not survive if they were to express how they feel and that it would be overwhelming.
These associations may have been formed during ones childhood years and were therefore true at that point. As an adult, one is stronger and has what it takes to face them.
However, one may need external support and this can enable them to go where they wouldn’t go by themselves. They will hold the space and although one might still have inner resistance to letting go, it will start to disappear.
This is why it is important that one pays attention to how feel around the person that they’re working with. One will need to listen to their body; as this part of them will know if it is safe for them to let go. A therapist or a healer can provide this support.
If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article.
Oliver J R Cooper
While it is relatively easy to notice what is taking place in the outside world, the same can’t be said when to comes to what is taking place within ones inner world. From the moment one is born, they’re going to pick up information about the world and this is likely to continue until the day their life comes to an end.
This is something that happens regardless of whether one has the desire to learn or not. It is not something that one can avoid; this is not to say that this will mean that one will always learn about things that are worthwhile and life enhancing.
From The Start
In the beginning of one’s life, this is generally going to relate to what they learnt from their caregivers, other family members and what they absorbed during their time in the education system. This will also include that they learnt from their peers and what they consumed from the mainstream media.
And one’s peers and the mainstream media will continue to play a part in what they do or do not learn throughout their lives. When their time in the education system came to an end, their career is likely to have taken over and be one of reasons they will continue to learn during their adult years.
Taking The Initiative
Of course, there is always the chance that one will decide to engage in some kind of self study and to take part in different courses. And since the introduction of the internet, information has become a lot more accessible to people.
A lot of the limits that were around in the past are no longer there and it is easier for people to find out about things. In the past, this option was only there for certain people and the average person had to go without the knowledge they desperately wanted and needed.
It could then be said that there are no shortages when it comes to information and this is why it is often said that we live in the information age. And through the use of different social media sites, it is easy for one to find out about what their ‘friends’ have been doing.
They can also be informed about what different ‘celebrities’ are doing and what is happening in the world. And due to how much is taking place, one can remain plugged in for as long as they want.
Out Of Touch
Ideally, one will not only be aware of what is taking place externally, they will be aware of what is taking place within them. But based on the kind of education that people receive and due to how much is taking place externally, it often the exception as opposed to the rule for one to be aware of what is going on within them.
In today’s world, it is not uncommon for someone to know more about a certain ‘celebrity’ than they do about themselves. And if it doesn’t relate to a celebrity, then they might have a greater understanding of what will please someone else than they do of what will please themselves.
One may have had a childhood where their needs were recognised and met or they might have had to focus on the needs of the people around them. However, no matter what happened during these years, it is unlikely that one’s time of being educated by society would have given them the guidance they needed to gain any kind of self understanding.
This is often a time of pleasing authority figures and getting the right grades. With the intention that one will fit into the system and play a certain role, a role that has been provided for them. But a role is just that, it is a role and not who someone is.
Beyond The Role
However, unless one takes the time to understand who they are, they’re going to be playing a role without realising it. And the role they’re playing has been given to them by someone else and therefore doesn’t reflect who they are.
So as self understanding is not something that people are encouraged to attain in today’s world, it is rarely something that happens through choice. This is not to say that one will understand themselves if the desire is not there, what it means is that there is another factor that can cause them to look within.
However, it doesn’t mean that one will be on the path to self understanding as a result. So the factor that is being spoken about here is suffering and this is something Soren Kierkegaard has spoken about.
He said – ‘’A man may perform astonishing feats and comprehend a vast amount of knowledge, and yet have no understanding of himself. But suffering directs a man to look within. If it succeeds, then there, within him, is the beginning of his learning’’.
When one is in pain, they’re likely to be focused on what is taking place within them and not focused on what is taking place without. This is similar to how one might go outside when it’s sunny and stay inside when it’s raining.
So as ones point of focus has been placed on what is going on within them, it will give them the chance to gain a deeper understanding of themselves. But at the same time, one could also run away from their pain and engage in some kind of escape.
One can then use their suffering to gain a greater understanding of themselves or they can become even more estranged from who they are. And there are all kinds of reason as to why some people allow their suffering to increase their level of self understanding and some people don’t.
What is important is that one reaches out for the support they need if they are suffering. No one is their own island and we all need help from time to time. This can come from a: therapist, healer, coach, friend and/or a family member.
Oliver J R Cooper
Part of being human means that one has needs and this is not something that can be changed. It is possible for one to deny that they have needs, but this won’t cause their needs to simply disappear.
Ideally, one will be in touch with their needs and it will then be possible for their needs to be met. This doesn’t mean that they will always be met, but it does mean that one will be used to having them met.
And when one is connected to what they need, their life is going to be a lot more fulfilling. They’re going to feel as though they are on course or on track and that they’re connected to themselves.
This is going to relate to every area of their life and when they’re in touch with their needs, there is going to be less chance of them doing things that don’t interest them. When one is in touch with their needs, it doesn’t mean that they will only focus on themselves, just as it doesn’t mean one will be completely focused on other people.
And as one is able to have their needs met, it is going to give them the energy to be there for other people. Whereas, if one is not getting their needs met, they’re unlikely to have enough energy to help other people.
If they do help others, it is probably going to lead to exhaustion and resentment. And this is not because they don’t want to assist others; it is because they’re not getting their needs met and are therefore running on empty. This shows how important it is for one to get their needs met.
It is only possible for one to get their needs met when they are in touch with them. Through having this connection, one will be able to go about having them met. Their actions are then going to reflect the connection one has to their needs and this is going to mean that one is not caught up in other people’s needs.
So for some people, this is going to be a way of life and something they have always experienced. And when they come across other people who are out of touch with what they need, it could be hard for them to comprehend.
This is because people often say that they want to be happy and this is not going to happen unless one is aware of their needs. Happiness could be described as something that one experiences when they are in touch with their needs on one hand and when they allow themselves to fulfil these needs on the other.
But while some people will have this connection, there are going to be other people who haven’t got it. This could be how their life has always been and something that is a normal part of their life.
The Needs Of Others
Their life is then driven by their need to fulfil other people’s needs and not their own needs. And one might be aware of this or it could be something that goes on out of their awareness. It then won’t matter what their needs are, as the only thing that will matter is what other people’s needs are.
To focus on the needs of others is only natural if one is out of touch with their own needs. This is where their point of focus is going to be and it is also going to be what feels comfortable.
And the reason it feels comfortable is because it is what causes one to feel accepted and approved of by others. So although one is out of touch with themselves and is suffering as a result, other people are responding to them in a certain way.
If they were to put their needs first, it is likely to cause them to feel uncomfortable. But as one is out of their needs in the first place, this is not likely to happen very often, if at all.
When one is in this position they are not working with themselves, they’re working against themselves. One is then giving up their ability to be happy in order to please other people. However, this is not something that has just happened; there is a reason for it.
On one level, one is out of touch with their needs and on another level; pleasing other people is more important than pleasing themselves. This shows that one is experiencing inner conflict and while this conflict could have been created during ones adult years, it is often the result of what took place during their childhood years.
During these years, one is likely to have been brought up to fulfil the needs of their caregiver/s. Their needs would have been overlooked and denied, and one would have learnt that they could only survive by focusing on their caregiver/s needs.
And as their needs were not recognised by the people around them, one gradually lost touch with their own needs. One would have come to believe that it is not safe for them to have needs and that other people’s needs are more important.
How one lived during these early years can then go on to define how one lives as an adult. For one thing, they are out of touch with what they need and they only feel safe when they‘re pleasing other people. As an adult, one will need to realise that it is safe for them to have needs and that their needs are important.
Even though one is no longer a child, how they felt all those years ago may have stay trapped in their body. So these emotional experiences will need to be processed and this will play a part in one being able to connect to their needs and to let go of the need to please others. This may mean that one needs the assistance of a therapist or a healer.
Oliver J R Cooper
If one is in a position where they’re pleasing other people from time to time, it is unlikely to have a negative effect on their life. However, when one pleases other people as a way of life it is going to have a negative effect on their life.
And while it is harming their life and stopping them from meeting their own needs, it could be normal. It is then not something that happens on the odd occasion, it is something that has become a way of life.
Part Of Life
One might be aware of what is taking place or they might be unaware of what is taking place. And this can depend on how long one has put the needs of others before their own. If one has experienced this for a certain period of time, they may have resigned themselves to a life of pleasing others.
Based on this outlook, it is not possible for them to see the light at the end of the tunnel, so to speak. There is then no hope and this is going to be hard for one to handle. The outlook that they have is not just an outlook, it is how their life is.
It then won’t matter what their needs are or how they feel, as the needs and feelings of others are going to take precedence. Ones focus is not on what is taking place internally and what is taking place externally; it is primarily focused on what is taking place externally.
This is not to say that one is completely oblivious to what is taking place within them; this would be an inaccurate assessment. While one might be out of touch with what they want and how they truly feel, they are likely to be aware of the need to please other people.
On the inside, one could be aware of the pressure they feel to please others and what arises when they try to please themselves. This could include fear and anxiety and one could feel that they have no control.
And if one is not aware how they feel, they might just end up wondering why they behave as they do. How they feel during the moment when they feel compelled to please others is then a mystery, but they then end up confused once the moment has passed.
While it is not going to be possible for one to always please themselves, there are going to be moments when it is. This is going to allow one to live a life that reflects what is true for them and because of this; it is going to be a lot easier for one to feel happy in life.
However, when one lives a life when they rarely, if ever, please themselves, it is going to be a challenge for them to live a life that reflects what is true for them. They’re going to be experts when it comes to fulfilling the needs of other people, but the same can’t be said when it comes to fulfilling their own needs.
A Momentary Boost
This doesn’t necessarily mean that one will always be unhappy, as the approval they get from other people is likely to give them a boost. Through doing the right things, this approval could consistently appear from other people.
There is the chance that one’s real feelings and needs and the pain they feel as a result of not fulfilling them, is then kept at bay by the external approval that they receive. Ones true self is then unable to see the light of day and has ended up being overshadowed by a false self.
It is clear that this false self is not aiding their life and that it is causing them to sacrifice their own well-being. But this might be what feels comfortable, whereas if one was to put their needs first, it might feel uncomfortable.
This shows that one is not working with themselves, they’re working against themselves. And while one may have got used to living life in this way, they were not born like it. Their false self is something they have developed as a result of the experiences they have had.
These experiences are going to include what has happened in their adult years and what happened during their childhood years. And while ones adult experiences are not to be overlooked, it is often what took place during their younger years that will have set them up to please other people.
What happens to them as an adult is then a continuation of what took place during the beginning of their life. And while it is not allowing them to live their true, it is what feels safe at a deeper level.
During these years, one would have formed certain associations around pleasing others. If they did what others wanted, it would have enabled them to survive. At this age, pleasing the people around them would have been a matter of life or death.
This usually happens when one ends up taking care of their caregivers needs and their needs end up being overlooked. A role reversal has then taken place and although one needs to have their needs met, they have to take care of the needs of others.
One has then been conditioned to please other people and until they feel that it is safe to please themselves, they will continue to put other people first. The associations that were formed all those years ago around ones needs will need to be questioned.
From here, one might find that it is possible for them to change their behaviour, if this is not enough, it might mean that the emotional experiences of their past have remained trapped in their body. And as these are processed, one will no longer feel the need to please others. The assistance of a therapist, healer or some kind of coach may be required.
Oliver J R Cooper
When it comes to the conflict that is taking place in the external world, one only needs to look or to listen and they will soon be aware of what is taking place. Now this could relate to something that is taking place in front of them or something that is happening on the other side of the planet.
The media, for instance, always covers different events that demonstrate the conflict that is taking place locally and globally. And as there is so much conflict, the media can only focus on certain events and as to why they focus on one event and not another, is another discussion altogether.
So as there is so much taking place in world, one can only focus on certain events and this is going to mean that they are unaware of other events that are taking place. And what they do focus on is going to depend on a number of factors.
On one side is going to be the conflict that takes place externally and on the other side is going to be the conflict that is taking place internally. And while it is easy to observe outer conflict, it is not always as easy to notice inner conflict.
To say that one type of conflict exists externally and another exists internally would be a half truth. This is because outer conflict can become inner conflict and inner conflict can end up being outer conflict.
Visible And Invisible
Outer conflict is relatively easy to notice; one’s eyes or ears are likely to let one know. But when it comes to inner conflict, there is the chance that one is aware if of it and there is also the chance that they’re not.
When one is unaware of the conflict that exists within then, it won’t just disappear and no longer trouble then, it will show up externally. Or more to the point, it will be projected externally.
Out Of Touch
This will happen when one is out of touch with what it creating conflict within them. It then won’t matter that they’re the ones who are the cause of what they are seeing, as ones focus is going to be on what’s happening externally. What this shows, is a lack of inner integration and this is not something that just happens.
When one is unable to accept something within them, they’re likely to disconnect from it. What they have rejected will then be something they project onto other people and one is then going to be oblivious to the fact that it is an inner problem.
And it won’t matter how intelligent someone is, as this can happen to anyone. What makes it hard for one to realise what is taking place is the fact that it won’t seem as though one is projecting their inner conflict onto others.
One is likely to experience the conflict as if they’re just observing what is taking place and that they’re playing no part in what they are experiencing. How one feels, in relation to what they’re ‘observing’, will be seen as a consequence of what is taking place.
But although it can appear as though ones feelings are being caused by what is happening externally, in reality, what is happening externally is simply triggering how one already feels. And while one is directing these feelings towards other people, they reflect how one feels about what is taking place within them.
So if one faced their inner conflict, what is happening externally might not bother them any longer. Their point of focus is then going to change and one could end up feeling more at peace, empowered and free.
When one is aware of what is taking place in their body, it is going to be harder for them to project how they feel onto other people. However, when ones point of focus is in their head and they’re out of touch with their body, what is going on in their body is going to be seen as belonging to other people.
One may find that they have a strong reaction to people who are selfish or that they attract people who only take. This is then likely to cause one to feel angry and that the other person needs to grow up. Now, while ones assessment of the other person could be seen as being accurate, it could relate to the fact that one is not comfortable with their own needs.
On the inside, one has the needs and wants to have them met, but at the same time, they might feel ashamed of their needs. And the anger they feel at being unable to have them met is then directed towards people who are getting them met.
What can stop one from reflecting on why they feel as they do is because they relate to someone who is out of balance. One can then believe that how they feel is justified, but the reason they attract such people into their life is because they’re out of balance to begin with.
Having needs is not something that should create inner conflict. But the reason why one is experiencing inner conflict when it comes to their needs or anything else for that matter is often the result of what took place during their childhood. How the people around them responded to their needs during these years will a have played a part in what one is unable to integrate within them.
So what is a normal part of one’s nature is something that one ends up feeling uncomfortable with. If one was to embrace what they have rejected, they could feel ashamed, guilty and fear that they will be rejected, abandoned and/or harmed.
In order for one to integrate what they project onto others, it is going to be important for them to look at what stops this from taking place. If one has formed an identity around rejecting a certain part of their nature, it might cause them to believe that they will not be accepted by others. And this could reflect how they felt when they were growing up.
They might also be carrying emotional pain from the past and this could be stopping them from owning what is within them. The assistance of a therapist or a healer may be needed.
Oliver J R Cooper
It’s not uncommon to hear that women want to settle down and that men want to ‘play the field’. And based on this, women want to be in a relationship and men are not bothered about being in one.
This is how men and women are generally portrayed and in some cases, this is going to be true. But, although this may seem to reflect the truth, it is not an absolute truth. There are going to be some women out there who can relate to it and some who can’t, and the same will apply to men.
Finding The One
And just because a woman wants to settle down, it doesn’t mean that this is what takes place. She may find that she can’t seem to find the one or that as soon as she does find someone suitable, something happens and it ends, amongst other things.
Just as there are going be women who don’t want to find the one and are therefore happy to avoid anything too serious. It is not on their mind and if they were to end up in situation where the other person wanted more, there is the chance that they will pull away.
However, even though they’re not looking for a relationship, it doesn’t mean they won’t go further. They could meet someone, realise they want more and be only too happy to end up in a relationship with them.
It would be easy to say that women are like this because they’re ‘emotional creatures’ and that they don’t know what they won’t. This is something that might come out of a man’s mouth and yet, the same thing can happen to men.
Men have emotions just like women and there are going to be times when a man is not looking for a relationship and then ends up in one. Therefore, it has not something that only relates to women, it is something that can happen to both genders. A woman might even use this stereotype and use it as a way to justify her behaviour.
So while women are often portrayed as having no emotional control, men are often seen as being emotional cut off. But these are largely the result of how men and women have been conditioned and do not reflect the truth.
Women can experience emotional control, just as men can; just as there are women who are emotionally cut off and men who are emotionally out of control. The world is made up of all types of people and there are exceptions when it comes to both genders.
For some women, the desire is going to be there to attract someone for a serious relationship, but that is as far as it will go. It is not so much that they don’t meet people who are suitable; it is that they are unable to let people in.
Just as there will be some women who don’t want anything serious. And it is not that they don’t want anything serious, it is just that this is what feels comfortable. They might be aware of why they can’t let a man get too close to them or they might not.
The person or people will appear and there will be something about them that isn’t quite right. In the eyes of others this could be something fairly trivial but in their eyes, it is not something that they can overlook.
However, this person might be someone who ticks all the boxes and is exactly what they’re looking for. But as soon as this person appears, they change their mind.
On the other hand, they may come across a man or men who are unavailable and end up feeling attracted to them. This might relate to someone who has a girlfriend or to someone who lives miles away or in another country.
And based on what they are looking for, this person might be suitable or they might be the opposite of what they are looking for. The woman may be confused as to why this is and her friends are also likely to be just as confused.
A woman could also have a pattern of attracting men that are not her type. She may end up spending time with them, but she doesn’t allow the man to get too close to her. Part of her is held back and the man doesn’t get to connect to her at a deeper level.
This could be someone she just has in her life to take care of certain needs. The man may realise what is taking place or he could be oblivious to it. On one side the women might not be completely happy as she knows he’s not suitable and on the other side, it could be what feels comfortable.
Another thing that can happen is that a woman will have more than one man on the go or who she treats as more than just a ‘friend’. These men may only get so close to her and while they might be her type, they might not.
The relationship she has with each of them could be purely sexual in nature and not include feelings. This doesn’t mean her mind won’t be involved, what it does mean is that her heart won’t be.
The above is what can happen when a woman is emotionally unavailable. What happens externally may alter, but what is taking place internally is not going to change. There is going to be conflict within her, and this will relate to her need to experience intimacy and her fear of intimacy
Getting close to a man is going to be something that makes her feel uncomfortable and while this can be the result of what has happened in her adults years, it is likely to relate to what happened during her childhood years. These years would have created an inner model of what it means to get close to another person.
For a woman, it is likely to be the experiences she had with her father that created her inner model when it comes to getting close to another person. But, this is not always the case, and it can relate to what her mother was like.
And during these years, her boundaries may have been violated and this then set her up to fear intimacy. Perhaps her father or mother, were: controlling, smothering, overwhelming and/or abusive.
So in the beginning this was an external problem that one had to put up with, and now it is an internal problem that one is putting up with. This is why it won’t matter if ones caregivers live close by or are still alive, as the associations that were formed all those years ago have remained within them.
How one felt all those years ago is likely to have stayed trapped in their body. And when they get close to someone, these feelings will end up being triggered and one will pull away. If one is not aware of what is taking place, they’re likely to project their feelings onto the other person.
Round In Circles
Pulling away or keeping people at a distance might allow them to feel better for a short while, but it won’t really change anything. And this is because their feelings are only being triggered by others and are not caused by them
If one is out of touch with how they feel and when they first had these feelings, it is to be expected that they will see other people as being the problem. The mind can forget the past, but the body doesn’t.
What this shows is that one is still emotionally connected to their caregiver/s and that they still need to break away. This is often described as the psychological birth and is something that needs to happen in order for one become emotionally separate.
If how one felt all those years ago has remained trapped in their body, then it will need to be released. And as these emotional experiences are processed and integrated, a woman will start to feel that it is safe for her to open her heart. The assistance of a therapist or healer may be required here.
Oliver J R Cooper
While there are some people who express how they feel, there are other people who don’t. And when one is not only in touch with how they feel but expresses how they feel, they’re going to experience life differently to someone who doesn’t.
This is because emotions are important and not something one can just deny. There are some people who are in touch with how they feel and there are other people who are not. And just because someone is in touch with how they feel, it doesn’t mean that they will express how they feel.
Although emotions are often seen as distractions and as things that need to be removed, they’re a vital part of one’s existence on this planet. They let one know if something is right for them and if they are living their truth.
Without them, one wouldn’t know if what they were doing was right for them or not. And as well as this, they allow one to know if they are being taken advantage of and if they need to speak up and to set their boundaries.
If one had the need to get to a certain destination but ended up following the car in front of them, they’re unlikely to get to where they need to go. Of course, there is also the chance that the car in front is going to the same place and yet, this is unlikely.
In order for one to get to where they need to go, they will need to focus on where they’re going and not where the cars around them are going. Through this, one will be able to arrive at the destination of their choice.
So when one listens to their emotions, they will be able to get to where they need to go and express who they are. Without this connection, one is going to end up getting caught up in where other people want them to go and to act in ways that will please other people.
Forming connections with other people is also going to be a challenge. If one doesn’t show how they feel; other people are not going to know where they stand. One can resort to buying things for others as a way to demonstrate how they feel, but this is not going to have the same affect.
When one is in touch with how they feel and they’re comfortable expressing how they feel, it is going to stop an emotional build up from forming within them. This is going to stop one from feeling emotionally trapped or weighed down and this is because their body won’t have to hold onto their emotions.
This doesn’t mean that one will always express how they feel, as it might not always be appropriate. What they will be able to do, is to hold their emotional experience and to decide if they will be assertive, express how they feel or keep their feelings to themselves.
And through one having this kind of relationship with their emotions, they’re likely to feel more at peace with themselves. Their mind is likely to be a lot calmer and this is because their body will be a lot calmer. If one has a lot going on emotionally, their mind is likely to follow suit.
Their relationships with other people are also likely to be deeper and more significant. As a result of expressing how they feel, other people will find it easier to connect to them.
While being able to express how one feels is the ideal and something that will enhance their lives in more ways than one, it doesn’t always take place. And this is going to mean that they will hold in how they feel and this could be a way of life for them.
If it is a way of life, it is going to mean that one has developed a habit that is harming their life. And this is going to make their life a lot harder than it needs to be and it will lead to pain that they don’t need to experience.
What May Happen
This could cause one to experience different psychosomatic illnesses and for their body to feel tight and weighed down. It might be normal for one to agree with others or they might not say anything and remain neutral.
And as one doesn’t reveal how they feel, they might end up having moments where they end up being out of control and saying things that they will later come to regret. Being assertive is also going to be problem, and something that one struggles with.
So although one has the need to express how they feel, this need is not being fulfilled and this is because this is what feels comfortable. If one was to express how they feel, it wouldn’t feel safe.
One might be aware of why they don’t express how they feel or this could be something that just happens. If it just happens, one might just end up feeling frustrated or fed up and wonder why they don’t express how they feel.
The reason one doesn’t feel safe expressing how they feel is going to come down to the associations they have formed. Now, these are likely to be operating out of their awareness.
If they were to express how they feel, they could believe that they will be abandoned, rejected or harmed in some way. And these associations may have been formed during ones childhood and although time has passed, their associations haven’t.
The emotional experiences of one’s past might still remain in their body and these could be keeping their associations in place. So if one was to process what took place, they might begin to feel that it is safe for them to empress their emotions.
Or it might be enough for one to question their associations and to begin to act differently. It will all depend on the person and this is because we’re all different. The assistance of a therapist or a healer may be needed.
Oliver J R Cooper
When one experiences pain and it is not possible for them to face the pain that they’re experiencing, they’re going to end up using a number of defence mechanisms. This could be due to how traumatising the experience is or because it would be too much for them to face how they feel.
A defence mechanism is then a vital part of one’s ability to survive and/or to stop them from being overwhelmed. However, if one was to keep the defence mechanisms in place after the experience that caused them to use them, there is the chance that they will do more harm than good.
What was at first a necessary part of one’s survival, soon becomes a threat to their survival and if it isn’t a threat, it will still have a negative effect on their life. Ideally, one would use a defence mechanism and then let it go, sp to speak, once they have outgrown its use.
While this would be the healthiest option, this doesn’t always take place and this is because it is not always possible. One could start using a defence mechanism when there are no other options available; this could relate to their childhood.
Or even if one is not this young and is therefore an adult, it doesn’t mean that one believes that there are other options available. At a deeper level, one might believe that it is not safe for them to seek assistance or that they wouldn’t be able to handle facing what is within them.
It then won’t matter if there is help available or not, as one is going to stop themselves form embracing what is available. The pain is then going to remain within them and one is going to keep their defence mechanism/s in place.
So as their defences are going to remain and the pain within them won’t be dealt with, it is not going to be possible for their life to change. The impact that a defence mechanism is having on ones life could be minimal but at the same time, it could be having a massive impact on their life.
There is then going to be two levels to the pain that one is experiencing. At a deeper level will be the pain that they’re covering up and are doing their best to avoid. This inner pain is then going to create what are often classed as ‘symptoms’. This could be: anxiety, depression, low self esteem and/or dysfunctional relationships.
And while these ‘symptoms’ can be painful, they’re often seen as being less painful than the pain that is casing them. So all the time that one has this outlook, they’re not going to face what is causing them to experience certain ‘symptoms’.
Perhaps they need to get to certain paint where they’re no longer willing to live life in the same way or they might just put up with these ’symptoms’ and do nothing about them. Everyone is different, and so it is hard to say whether one will face their pain or simply put up with the ‘symptoms’ that the pain is creating.
When one experiences something that is painful, and this could be a one off or something that happened on a number of occasions, they can end up re-creating the same scenario over and over again. And even though the original scenario didn’t lead to the outcome they wanted, they’re still unable to stop themselves from re-creating it.
Now, if one has had an experience that was painful or even traumatic, it can be hard to understand why someone would want to experience it again. This is not something that one does consciously; it is something that will take place unconsciously.
One may find that they are continually attracted to people who are emotionally unavailable or abusive. And although they are not able to commit or to treat one with respect, one does everything they can do make them commit or to make the other person love them.
Women, who were abused growing up, are often found working in the adult industry, professions where their bodies are objectified and in relationships with men who are abusive.
Why Does This Happen?
So through re-recreating the same scenario or one that is similar, one will believe that they will finally get what they didn’t get from the original experience/s that created the pain that has remained within them. This gives one a sense of hope and the belief that they will finally get what they want.
For if they were to face the reality of the situation, they would realise that it is not possible for them to get what they didn’t get. To accept this, would mean that they would have to face the pain that is within them.
But it is clear to see that although one is repeating the same experience in order to avoid facing how they feel, they are recreating the same experience so they’re going to end up feeling the same.
So until one steps back and realises that they’re experiencing what they want to avoid, they’re going to suffer unnecessarily. When one is no longer willing to create the same experiences and is ready to face their pain, their life will begin to change.
This original pain often goes back to ones childhood and relates to what their caregivers were unable to give them. One can then end up being disconnected from what took place and yet, their behaviour is still being defined by it.
The pain that one is holding onto will need to be faced and released; this is not to say that this will happen overnight or that one will be able to face it by themselves. External support might be needed and this can be supplied by a therapist, healer or some kind of support group.
Oliver J R Cooper
Oliver JR Cooper
Teacher, Author, Transformational Writer & Consultant - With Over 2,000,000 Article Views Online.
That which is contained within these articles is based on my own empirical understanding and is true for me at the time they were written. However, as I continue to grow, what I perceive as the truth will inevitably change and as a result of this - parts of these articles may not reflect my current outlook.
A Dialogue With The Heart - Part One
A Dialogue With The Heart - Part Two
A Dialogue With The Spirit
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