Just because one has the need to experience something, it doesn’t always mean that this need will be fulfilled. And this is something that can be said when it comes to ones need to connect to another person. For some people, intimacy is going to be something that they have always experienced. It is then something they have got used to and it is a normal part of their life. But for others, it is going to be something they’re not used to and therefore, it is not a normal part of their life. An Important Need When one experiences intimacy, their life is going to be enhanced in more ways than one. And while one may see how it is affecting their life, there is also the chance that one no longer thinks about it. This doesn’t mean that they have taken it for granted; it is simply something that has become part of their life If one has received something for a certain period of time, it can be hard to imagine what it would be like to be in a position when one doesn’t have it. However, there is a strong chance that one has had a relationship that came to an end, and this would have given them the chance to experience life without intimacy and also, to develop a greater appreciation for it. Contrast So if one has experienced intimacy and gone without it, it will give them a sense of contrast. But if one has only experienced intimacy or if they have never experienced intimacy, this is not going to be the case. When one hasn’t experienced intimacy, they might not even know what they are missing. Whereas when one has experienced it, they will know what they are missing when they’re not experiencing it. Pain There is going to be the pain that one feels when a relationship comes to an end, and then there is going to be the pain that they experience when they are unable to experience intimacy. In the first case, ones pain might soon come to an end and they might start a new relationship; therefore, their pain won’t last for very long. If on the other hand one is unable to start a new relationship, their pain might continue. That is unless they deal with their pain directly. What Can Happen Although their need to experience intimacy is being frustrated, it doesn’t mean that they will always go without human contact. They might have had a number of short term relationships or interactions that only got to a certain point. Or perhaps this hasn’t taken place either and one has just had casual encounters. This might be something one is comfortable with or they may want more than this. It can depend on what is going on for them and how aware they are of what is taking place within them. Two Options When one is not experiencing intimacy in their life, they might be aware of why this is and put it down to what is taking place within them. There is also the chance that one is unaware of what is taking place within them and this means that they will put it down to what is taking place externally. If one is aware of what is taking place within, it will give them an understanding of why they are not experiencing intimacy and this will give them the chance to do something about it. But if one is unaware of what is taking place on the inside and is focused on what is taking place on the outside, their life is unlikely to change. Confused Or Stuck Just because one is aware of the fact that they are uncomfortable with intimacy, it doesn’t mean that they will know why this is. And this is understandable; as intimacy is a vital part of life and something that human beings needs. If one is disconnected from what is taking place within them and is only aware of what is taking place in the outside world, they are unlikely to feel as though they have any control over what is happening. Conflict So although one is going to want to experience intimacy, there is going to be another part of them that doesn’t. One is then experiencing inner conflict and this could be something they have experienced for as long as they can remember. Perhaps ones relationships as an adult have played a part in why they fear intimacy, but these experiences could be an effect of what took place many years ago. If one fears intimacy as an adult, it is highly likely that this due to what happened to them during their childhood years. The Body Remembers Even though the body remembers what took place all those years ago, the mind can forget. Facing how one feels in their body can be painful and so, one can disconnect from their body to avoid pain. And just because one has disconnected from this pain, it doesn’t mean that it won’t affect their life. Ones relationships will be defined by this pain and as one is out of touch with it, they can end up getting caught up by the stories that the mind will create. These stories will relate to why one is not experiencing intimacy. Childhood As a child, it would have been important for ones caregiver to attune to their needs. This doesn’t mean that this needed to happen on every occasion, but that it needed to happen on a consistent basis. When ones caregiver was not aware of their needs, it would have meant that they were ignored and denied. If this were to happen on the odd occasion it might not cause too much harm, but if this were to happen on a regular basis there are going to be consequences. One could end up feeling smothered, overwhelmed and trapped by their caregiver’s inability to tune into their needs. They could even have been abandoned or physically abused during these years. Unsafe These experiences would have causes one to believe that it isn’t safe for them to get too close to another person. And how they felt during these times of being violated would have stayed trapped in their body. So whenever they get close to other people, these feelings are going to be triggered. One is then going to pull away in order to stop themselves from having to feel how they did all those years ago. Awareness And although these feelings are being triggered around others, they are not the cause of them. As one feels this way it could cause them to attract people who are smothering and lack boundaries like their caregivers did, but they might not be completely different and one might just be projecting their history onto the others. It will be important for one to get in touch with the emotions that have remained within them and to release them. This can be done with the assistance of a therapist or a healer. If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article. Oliver J R Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk/
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While people often do everything they can to protect their property, the same can’t always be said about themselves. In the collective consciousness, there is a general understanding that one needs to protect their property. And this is not because people can’t be trusted or that everyone wants to cause damage. What is often comes down to, is the fact that people need to be informed as to where they can or can’t go. When it is not clear where someone’s property begins and where it ends, other people are not going to know where they are allowed to go. It then won’t matter whether they have the intention to cause problems or not, as there is nothing to inform them. Human Beings A property will be protected and it will then be clear to others; it is then up to other people as to whether they will respect the boundaries that have been set or not. But as they have been set, one will know that they have played their part. However, although people are aware of how important it is to protect their property, the same level of awareness doesn’t always exist when it comes to how important it is to protecting themselves. And if one doesn’t let other people know what is acceptable and what isn’t, they’re going to set themselves up to suffer unnecessarily. What Goes In So having boundaries will allow one to protect their personal space and to stand their ground. And as human beings are inherently vulnerable, it is vital that they’re able to say no when they need to and that when they say yes, they actually mean it. Another part of having boundaries is that one will be able to decide what enters their mind and what doesn’t. And as the mind is like a garden and what enters the mind is likely to grow, this is of paramount impotence. Responsibility It is easy for one to get weighed down with responsibility and feel as though the weight of the world is on their shoulders. Just as one can renounce all responsibility and believe that they’re not responsible for anything. And when one is aware of whey they begin and end and where other people begin and end, it is going to make it easier for them to know what they’re responsible for and what they’re not responsible for. Assisting Others When one is in a position where they’re assisting others, it is going to be important for them to empathise with the people that they work with. This means that one is able to connect and to feel the other person’s pain and at the same time, they’re able to detach once the session is over or shortly afterwards. Another approach would be if one was to sympathise with the people that they assist. Here, one is not only connecting to what the other person is going through and feeling their pain; they’re going a lot further than that. An Analogy If one is in a position where they have no money, they could find someone to talk about what is going on for them and how they can move forward and/or they could receive money from other people. And as long as they heed the advice they’re given and don’t rely on the handouts from other people, there is the chance that they will be able to change their circumstances. Alternatively, people could not only offer their advice and financial support, but they could also give all their money away. This means that each person is now in the same position and there is no difference. What This Shows The first example reflects what happens when one empathises with someone and the second example is what happens when they offer their sympathy. Ones boundaries have disappeared and one has allowed themselves to feel responsible for what the other person is going through. In some cases, this could cause one to become consumed with doing all they can to ‘fix’ the other person, it might shape how one feels even if they are not in the presence of the other person and it could also cause one’s life to fall apart, amongst other things. Stepping Back There is only so much one can do to assist another and while they have a certain level of responsibility towards the other person, they’re not completely responsible. But while this much is true, there is something within them that is causing them to feel as though they are responsible for what the other person is going through. What’s Going On? In some cases, people develop their ability and the desire to assist others when they’re growing up. Perhaps one was made to feel responsible for their caregiver/s during their childhood. On one hand, this will have caused one to develop their ability empathise and to tune into the needs of others and on the other hand, it would have caused one to feel that they’re responsible for other people. Identity Their identity was then built around being there for others and this is how they would have felt accepted (loved). As a result of this, their self worth would have been attained through what they did and not for who they were. So while these early experiences have given one the ability to assist others and to empathise with what they are going though, it has left them wide open. Their lack of boundaries is one part of the problem, and the other part could be that one’s stuff is being triggered. Stuff What the other person is going through could be triggering what one has not yet healed within themselves. And if one has become disconnected from what is going on within them they might not realise this and this could cause them to get caught up in what is taking place externally. Awareness One way to move beyond this would be for one to take a step back and to question what they believe. What they believe may have been relevant when they were younger but as time has passed, this is no longer the case. Another route would be for one to check in with their emotions and to see if they need to do any emotional work on themselves. How they felt all those years ago may have remained trapped in their body. The assistance of a therapist or a healer may be needed. If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article. Oliver J R Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk/ When one knows exactly what they want to achieve or to experience, there will be clarity. And as result of this, one will be able to take the steps that they need to take to make their goal a reality. This doesn’t mean that it will be a straight forward process though; as there are likely to be certain blocks in the way. And while life would be easier if these blocks didn’t exist, they can allow one to build inner strength and to have a greater appreciation for what they do achieve, amongst other things. An Analogy It is then like one having the need to get to a certain destination and not only having the need, but also knowing how to get here. As they know where to go, they are highly likely to get there. The only thing that will stop them from getting there or slow them down is if they come across something that impedes them. This could be an accident, road works or temporary traffic lights. But as they know where they’re going, they will get there sooner or later. Inner Clarity So though having inner clarity, one is going to be working with themselves and not against themselves. And like the journey above, they will be able to move towards the completion of their goals or to experience what they want to experience. Just knowing what one wants in life is incredibly important. This doesn’t mean that it will just fall into their lap, but what it means is that they will have a starting point. And from this point, they will be able to go onto the next stage. The Other Side This is clearly the ideal and what will enable one to make progress in life. However, this is not always something that one can relate to and this could be because of inner conflict. And this could be something they experience from time to rime or it could be the only thing they know. There are undoubtedly going to be moments in everyone’s life when they experience inner conflict and yet, it is a way of life for some people. Here, one is in a position where they are unable to know what they want or if they do, it won’t last for very long. Will Power It is then going to be an inner battle and while this can make one’s life more challenging, it can also lead to a strong will. Through having to handle two opposing needs within them, it can mean that they have needed more inner strength to handle the conflict. If there wasn’t as much inner resistance, then there wouldn’t be the need for this increase in ones inner strength. This is similar to how’s ones muscles will grow if they increase the amount of weight they lift. And if one has experienced inner conflict for their whole life, then they have had many years to develop their will. Sabotage But while a strong will is one thing that one can develop through experiencing inner conflict, that is one resists the conflict within them, there is still the chance that they will sabotage their life. For instance, one may not resist the conflict and allow it to completely define their life. Or they may resist it in one or a number of areas and allow it control other areas of their life. So, frustration, anger and a sense of having no control might be something they are familiar with. This could cause one to get to a certain stage and then just as they are about to reach a milestone or complete something, they stop. It is then not an external source that is the problem; it is what is happening within them. Areas Of Conflict So this can have an impact on how successful one is, what their relationships are like and if they listen to themselves. There is the chance that one is aware of what is causing them to experience inner conflict or it might be a mystery. One may want to grow in their particular area of interest and find that they only get to a certain level. And this could be because they only feel comfortable with a certain level of success. When it comes to ones relational needs, they may want to experience more intimacy in their life. This could be affected by ones fear that other people will get too close to them. Having needs is part of being human and yet one can end up ignoring their needs and putting other people’s needs first. If they put their needs first, they might feel guilty and as though they will no longer be accepted by others. Inner Conflict Having the need to grow, to have an intimate relationship and to take care of one’s needs is not something that should lead to conflict. Through experiencing conflict in these areas and there may be others, it is going to have an impact on one’s ability to grow, to be happy and to feel fulfilled. And while this conflict shouldn’t exist, it can feel as though it is part of one’s very nature. One might even believe that they were born this way and that there is nothing they can do about it. Childhood This outlook might sound a bit extreme or even irrational, but if one has always experienced conflict, it is not much of a surprise. However, although it might be something that one has become accustomed to, it is there for a reason. And the answers may be found when one reflects on what their childhood was like. This may have been a time when ones needs were ignored and one had to develop a false self. There is then the false self on top and their true self underneath. Consequences When it comes to success, one may have had a childhood where it was only safe for them to grow to a certain level. Perhaps their caregivers were not successful or didn’t have much money and in order to feel accepted by them, one stopped themselves from doing anything that might cause them to be rejected. As for relationships, one may have had a caregiver that was out of tune and therefore caused one to feel smothered, trapped and engulfed. So although one has the need to experience intimacy, as a result of what happened, they ended up fearing it. Their needs may have been covered up by the needs of their caregivers. This then lead to a role reversal and one become the parent instead of the child. As a result of this, one came to see their needs as bad and something to feel guilty and ashamed of. Awareness In order to deal with this conflict, one might have some emotional work to do. The emotional experiences of the past may have remained within them and therefore need to be released. Or one may find that through becoming aware of their inner conflict and questioning it, that it is possible for them to move beyond it. Everyone is different and so, it is hard to say what the best option is. This is something one will have to decide for themselves. The assistance of a therapist or healer may be needed here. If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article. Oliver J R Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk/ Certain emotions are often seen as positive and others are often seen as negative, and this can cause people to embrace some and to deny others. But regardless of the label they’re given, they all have a purpose. What matters is: how one responds to how they feel and not how they feel. If one is able to embrace how they feel and not react to or to deny how they feel, then they will be able to work with their emotions. This will mean that their emotions are seen as a source of information and not as problems. One is then working with themselves; as opposed to against themselves. When one is in harmony with themselves, their life is going to be easier and a lot more fulfilling. Disharmony However, while one can experience an inner disruption for a short period of time, it can also become a way of life. Here, one won’t feel a ‘negative emotion’ for a short period of time or on the odd occasion, it will a something they experience on a regular basis. It could end up being an emotion that completely consumes their life; one is then unable to experience life differently and may only feel comfortable when they are feeling this emotion. One is then addicted to this emotion and might only feel safe when they are experiencing it. Point Of Focus So, one might be around someone or just think about something, and their ability to think clearly is taken away from them. This is simply because their emotions have taken over and one is then out of balance. There is then a strong chance that their actions will be defined by how they feel and as this is a ‘negative emotion’, it could lead to outer destruction taking place. Of course, one could also harm themselves by keeping this emotion in and not letting it out. Either way, it is unlikely that one is going to experience emotional control. Hate And while all women have the potential to feel hate when it comes to men, there are some women who only experience hate when it comes to men. They might see a man or think about a man and they end up being consumed by hate. Here, a woman may see a man do something that is abusive or disrespectful or they could just construct a scenario in their mind. This mental construct is likely to be a combination of the experiences they have had with men. Black And White It then won’t matter that not all men are the same, as all men could be seen as being the same. This is because the mind likes to work in absolutes and then life is either black or white, there is no grey. If one was able to simply observe life, then they would soon realise that life is not black and white and that not all men are the same. However, as one is the creator of their life and the observer of what they create, they’re only going to experience what their mind has been programmed to see. It is often said that one sees with their mind and not with their eyes. Interpretations Every experience that they have is going to be filtered through their minds interpretations and this will be what their mind believes to be true. And what their mind believes to be true will be based on the experiences they had during their childhood and what they have experienced up until this point. So if woman hates men and believes they are all the same, it is going to be incredible difficult for her to see men in a different way. Even if she does come across a man that is different, there is the chance that she won’t be able to see this difference. Mirroring And if a woman feels this way towards men, it is going to come across in how she behaves and the vibe she gives off. So in some cases, men are going to respond to this and this will then be taken as another example that all men are the same. Stuck As a woman has this outlook, it is going to be mirrored back by the men she comes across. And unless she is able to take a step back and to detach from both her inner and outer experience, her life is not going to change. Now, a woman may have had experiences in her adult years that have caused her to hate men and it might go back even further. What happened during her childhood could then have continued to play out during her adult years. Abuse These early years may have been a time when she was abused in some way and this could have been by her father or another male in the family. And through being violated during these early years, it is only natural that she came to experience hate. Through feeling hate, is also allows her to feel protected; as it stops her from having to embrace how she felt during the abuse. And as these were her first experiences of the opposite sex, they would form her inner model of what men are like. Familiar And although these experiences would have been dysfunctional, they would have become familiar and therefore safe. This means that on one side, the woman would have wanted to avoid having to experience what happened again and on the other side, it would have been associated as what is safe. Re-enactment So all the time the original trauma remains within her, she is going to re-create experiences in her adult life that mirror what happened during her childhood. It is not always easy to see how ones adult life matches their childhood, and this is because the mind can forget what took place all those years ago. The body doesn’t forget and this is where the answers are often found. Awareness If a woman has this challenge it might mean that she needs the assistance of a therapist or a healer. And while a man could provide this support and prove that not all men are the same, it might be too soon. Therefore, it might mean that she needs to work with a woman first and once she gets to a certain stage, she can work with a man. This is something she must decide for herself and trust her own judgement. If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article. Oliver J R Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk/ When someone has been abused as a child they have already gone through enough, without having to prolong the pain of what happened. However, there are certain things that can add to this pain and one of these things is when one finds that the people around them don’t believe them or it could relate to someone who one is close to and trusts. Their need to be heard and validated for what they have gone though doesn’t take place. Instead, one is made to believe that they are lying, exaggerating what happened and remembering things that didn’t take place, amongst other things. They then don’t receive what they need to receive and can be made to feel as though they are the problem. The person or people who were abusive can end up looking innocent and although one was abused, they can feel as though they are in the wrong. Self Doubt One response to this is that one can end up doubting themselves and wondering if they are making it all up. They might wonder if the people around them are right and that they are out of touch with that actually took place. But no matter what the people around them say, one is not going to be able to change what happened. It won’t matter what other people believe or even if one begins to doubt themselves, as the truth of what happened is within them. Vulnerable Through being abused, there is the chance that one still feels vulnerable and this can make it even harder for one to stand their ground. They could be in a position where they are still dependent on the people around them and this can be due to their age, financial situation or because of other reasons. And if they haven’t had the chance to open up to anyone about what took place and to get the assistance they need, they could be carrying a lot of trauma. It could then be a challenge for one to speak their truth and let other people know what really happened. Survival Because of what happened to them, there is a strong chance that their sense of safety has been compromised. This could mean that one’s ability to feel safe in their body and that they deserve to exist has been affected. Therefore, they might find that they have the tendency to go along with what other people say regardless of how true it is. So based on the abuse that they experienced, pleasing others might be what feels comfortable and expressing their truth might feel uncomfortable. Trapped To open up about what happened is not always easy and it is going to be a lot harder when the eternal support is not there. This could cause one to feel trapped and that there is no way out. When the people that one is closest or the people who they expect to support them end up turning their backs, it can be hard to understand and accept. This is why therapists, healers and support groups can be so important. Books that go into abuse are also important and can supply the validation that one needs. What’s Going On? So when one opens up about what has happened or what might still be happening, and comes up against a wall of resistance it might come as surprise. The other person could disagree with them, ignore them or they could end up walking away. In some cases, it could lead to more abuse and one then ends up being re-traumatized. However, while this can cause one to feel even worse, that they deserved to be abused or that there is no hope, it is not about them. One is likely to be in position where they need to be reassured and are therefore vulnerable, but how other people respond is not personal. The Other Person So when one tells someone they were abused, it could be someone the other person knows or it could be someone they don’t know and this can play a part in how they respond. If it is someone the other person knows, they might resist what one says as a way to protect the image or idea that they have of the other person. Cognitive Dissonance If they were to embrace what they are being told it could create inner conflict or what is classed as cognitive dissonance. Here, the other person would be forced to question how they see the other person and this could be too painful for them. They would have to let go off how they saw the other person and this would be experienced as a loss. The person is still alive, but how they view them is not longer accurate. So if they maintain the idea they have of the other person, they won’t have to experience pain. Avoidance Another reason why one won’t be believed is because of what it might trigger in the other person if they were to accept what is being said. And this can relate to someone who knows the abuser and to someone who doesn’t. Abuse is often the rule as opposed to the exception in today world and this means there is the chance that the other person was also abused. However, while one is aware of what took place and is looking for support, the other person may have disconnected from what took place. And as they are out of touch with what happened, they are not going to want to place their attention on anything that would remind them of it. If they were to do that, it might cause all the pain that they have repressed to come to the surface. Living A Lie This person is then an example of how one would be if they disconnected from what happened and gave of the impression that everything was fine. It is not always easy to embrace how one feels; especially when it relates to the people who brought one up. Disconnecting from what happened might have been the only option they had. Awareness Human beings are designed to avoid pain and although this is a vital part of our survival, it can also lead to problems. One reason why child abuse is passed from one generation to another is because the original pain is not dealt with and ends up being acted out. If ones pain was dealt with after they were abused and wasn’t pushed out of their awareness, it is highly unlikely that they would abuse another person. So if one has been or is still is being abused, it will be vital for them to seek the right support. And this can be through a therapist, healer, support group, trusted fiend and/or a book. What matters is that one reaches out and doesn’t allow their current circumstances to stop them. If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article. Oliver J R Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk/ When it comes to pleasing others, ideally, this will be a choice and not something one feels they have no control over. If one feels that they always need to please others, it is going to interfere with their ability to listen to their own needs and emotions. And when one feels the need to please others, it could be the result of what is taking place externally and internally. If one feels this pressure on the inside, they are likely to project their inner experience onto the outer world. What this means is that one is likely to believe that other people want them to do as they say, regardless of whether this is actually the case. One is then unable to be present and to express their true self. A reflection However, if one feels the need to please others, there is the chance that they are going to attract people who reflect this outlook. The inner pressure that one feels is then going to be backed up by the external pressure of the people they spend their time with or come across in their day to day life. So whether the need to please other people is simply an inner experience that is being projected out or something that is also an outer experience, it is going to limit one’s ability to live authentically. Unfulfilled One is not going to be able to do what they want and this doesn’t mean living a life without consequences, it simply means that one listens to themselves. While pleasing others might feel normal, it is unlikely to lead to personal fulfilment. However, if one is used to pleasing others their point of focus is not going to be on whether their needs are being met if they are in tune with their own emotions, it is going be on whether they are doing what they need to do to please other people. Whether they are fulfilled or not, is going to be irrelevant; what matters is fulfilling other people needs and making sure one does what other people want them to do. Two Sides So pleasing others may cause one to feel accepted and supported on one side, but there is likely to be another side that won’t disappear. And one might be fully aware of this side or they might do everything they can stop themselves from having to face it. The other side is the part of oneself that doesn’t want to please others. And as this side exists, there is always going to be a sense of unease around pleasing other people. Over the years, this part could be pushed out of one’s awareness so that they are only mildly aware of it. Permission What this then means, is that one will need to receive other people’s permission when it comes to what they do or do not do in life. It then won’t matter that one has the ability to decide for themselves what they will or won’t do, as they will let other people decide. If other people knew what one need to do in life, this would be a problem. It won’t matter if one is around people who are controlling or not, as one is going to give of the impression that they want to please others. And because they give off this impression, it is going to be difficult for some people to treat them differently. Focus If ones focus is on pleasing other people it could mean that they are out of touch with what is going on within them. Therefore, they could be completely out of touch with what is going on inside them. And this could be something that one does without even thinking about it. It is what feels comfortable at a deeper level and it won’t matter that one personal fulfilment ends up being compromised in the process. But although this might feel comfortable, it doesn’t mean that one won’t end up feeling frustrated, angry or powerless, as a result of behaving in this way. What’s The Benefit? Now, if one wasn’t getting anything from pleasing other people they wouldn’t do it; the trouble is that this benefit is often unconscious. It is something that controls how they feel, how they perceive other people and their behaviour, but it could be just out of their awareness. This can come down to the fear of being abandoned and if one is aware of why they please others, they might already know this. Not gaining other peoples approval is then interpreted as a threat to their survival. Why Is This? One might wonder how not getting another person’s approval could be experienced as a threat to their survival and yet, there is a good reason for it. It could be a reflection of what ones childhood years were like and how they had to please the people around them in order to survive. If they didn’t take care of their caregiver/s needs, they might have been abandoned. And at such a young age, being abandoned would have been overwhelming and would have felt like the end of the world. One would have learnt that they had to please the people around them or they would be left. Associations This then causes one to associate pleasing others with being accepted, supported and loved. And if they were to displease other people, it could lead to being abandoned and that they would die. Physically one has grown but the same can’t be said for their level of emotional development. Emotionally they still feel the same and the impact this is having on their life is only too clear. Awareness The emotional experiences of the past might need to be processed so that one can let go of the associations they have held onto for so long. Or one may find that their behaviour begins to change after they have questioned their associations. The assistance of a therapist, healer or a coach may be needed. If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article. Oliver J R Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk/ While some things have stayed the same over the years, there are other things that have radically changed. For instance, it could be said that today’s world is far more permissive than it used to be. And this can be seen with how children are raised and how sex is generally viewed. It wasn’t long ago that parents were extremely strict and sex was often seen, by many, as nothing more than a means to an end. This is not to say that all children are now allowed to do what they want, but the children of today often have far more control than they would if they were born a few decades ago. There are still children who are being brought up in the same way and what was acceptable back then, might now been seen as abuse. As for sex, this was often something that took place when people were married and if they wanted children. Sex was seen as scared and even taboo and it wasn’t something that people would engage in whenever they felt like it. This is not to say that this outlook no longer exists though; as it is still going to be true for some people. From One Extreme To Another What this shows is how society has gone from one extreme to the other and as time passes, it might balance out. The older generation are often amazed at how children and young adults behave. Due to how strict parents were before, a lot of today’s behaviour would not have been seen. In the UK for instance, there is often talk about young men having to go into the army for a number years. This is seen as a way for them to learn respect, discipline and to give them some kind of guidance, amongst other things. And as sex is no longer viewed in the same way as it was before and is more accepted, it has played a part in how people dress. Less is often more in today’s world and this relates to one wearing less and not revealing less. Dressing Modestly Women are often seen wearing very little, were as before, women would dress modestly and very little would be on show. One outlook would be that women show too much and that before, they had far more class and self respect. It could also be said that women were oppressed before and that it was not possible for them to express themselves like they can in today’s world. And that, revealing more is a way for them to express who they are and to exercise their free will. A Choice If a woman was asked, she could say that it is her body and that, she is entitled to do whatever she wants with it. Through wearing less, there is the chance that it will allow a woman to receive certain responses from men and even from other women. And though receiving those responses, it may enable her to feel better about herself and to experience more control. So her self esteem is going to be improved, but that doesn’t mean her self-worth will alter though. And this is because the responses she attains will be for what she looks like and not for who she is as a person. Her self esteem will remain high as long as she is getting the kinds of responses she wants from others but if they no longer appear, her self esteem could disappear. This is why it will be important for her to develop or realise her self-worth; this is not based on external reposes or what she does – it’s for who she is. A Closer Look It could be said that the more dependent a women is on the approval of others, the less she will wear and the more sexual she will be. And as these things have become so common, they are often seen as normal. On one hand, there is incredible pressure on people to ‘look good’ and this is often more important than what is on the inside. And on the other hand, it shines the light on modern day child development and how some people were not loved and accepted for who they are when they were younger. This then causes one to grow up and look towards other people to give them what their caregivers didn’t or couldn’t give them. Consequences So, while it is up to a woman to decide what she wants to wear and how she wants to behave, there are still going to be consequences. As has been mentioned above, when a woman wears less and acts sexual there is a greater chance that she will be validated by the people around her and this will change how she feels. This could be seen as a positive and all the time a woman gets positive feedback from others, she is not going to change how she dresses or how she behaves. However, while there is the chance that other men will give her the kind of responses she wants, there is also the chance that they could go too far and act destructively. The Other Side Here, a man could come on too strong and act as if he is entitled to do whatever he wants do to. This could lead to a woman being touched inappropriately on one hand, to something far more severe on the other. What is clear here is that this kind of behaviour is not acceptable and yet, if a woman wears very little or behaves in a sexual way, she is going to increase her chances of experiencing this kind of behaviour. Aggression When a man sees a woman that is wearing very little or who behaves in a sexualised way, there is the chance that he will want more. But while a woman may look and act as though she wants more, this is not always the case. A man can then expect to have his needs met by the woman and can then soon realise that this is not going to happen. It is like they have been promised something and then it has been taken away. And as their buttons have been pressed and that’s as far as it is going to go, it is going to feel as though they have been violated. This will then lead to anger and as this increases, there will be aggression. If this aggression is not aimed at a woman, it might end up being taken out on another man. It won’t lead to the fulfilment of their needs, but it will allow them to release some of the energy that has built up. Responsibility Now, it could be said that men are responsible for how they feel and that they need to respect a woman’s boundaries. And while this can’t be denied, if a man buttons are pressed and their body is ready to go, there is the chance that it will lead to a certain outcome. A woman has every right to dress how she wants and to act how she wants, but what she also has to bear in mind is that there will be consequences. Her body has power and this power has to be respected. In a woman’s mind it might be about getting an ‘ego boost’ but based on how she is coming across, it can mean something completely different. Awareness If a woman was to cut down on her need for approval and increases her emotional awareness, she may find that she no longer needs to wear so little or behave in such a sexualized way. And for a man who has a tendency to act aggressive around women, it is going to be important for him to develop boundaries and to develop emotional awareness. When it comes to the former or the latter, it might necessary to seek the assistance of a therapist or a healer. If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article. Oliver J R Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk/ There are some people who do everything they can to be perfect and then there are other people who feel like a failure because they’re not perfect. And whether one can relate to this or not, perfection is nothing more than an illusion. It can’t be attained and so if one is doing everything they can to be perfect, it will be important for them to stop and to reflect on that fact that it is not possible to be perfect. And if one feels like a failure because they’re not perfect, it will be important for them to realise that no human being is or has ever been perfect. To be human means that one has issues and while this will vary from person to person, they’re part of life. This doesn’t mean that one is therefore flawed and needs to be rescued though. A Process Now, one may find that as soon as they have dealt with one challenge, that they become aware of another. And if life wasn’t a journey, then this would be hard to comprehend. But just as one puts one forward and then has to take another step in order to move forward, there is always going to be another thing to work on or that needs ones attention. If one didn’t have anything to work on, there is the chance that they’d no longer be here. And while these challenges can be both big and small, they are what allow one to grow. Without tension and pressure, there would be no reason for one to grow or to develop themselves. Visible At times, one is going to be aware of what they need to look at in their life and this will give them the chance to do something about it. This could relate to something external or it could relate to something that is internal. But whether it is an external or internal stressor, there is likely to be an emotional component involved. There could be something that is not working or going to plan in someone’s life and they then end up feeling: frustrated, angry, powerless, useless and/or hopeless for instance. The Next Step Through being aware of how one feels, it could mean that they are able to hold their emotional experience. This will stop one from acting on how they feel or pushing how they feel out of their awareness. From here, one can reach out for the support they need or take the steps they need to take, in order to deal with their inner unrest. There is still the chance that repression will take place and that they will act upon how they feel. Invisible However, if one is unaware of what is going on within them, they’re not going to have the chance to do anything about it. And this could be something that happens from time to time, or it could be a way of life. So because of this, it is highly likely that ones emotional experience is going to be acted out or pushed even further from their awareness. If one does this from time to time it might not have too much of an effect on their life but if this becomes a way of life, it is going to create problems. Out Of Mind And once one has become disconnected from what is going on for them and how they feel, there is the chance that they will project their inner experience onto other people. This will happen out of their awareness and the people they project onto could end up believing it is to do with them. If one was willing to face what was going on within them, they wouldn’t see it in other people. But because they are unwilling to face their issue/s, other people are going to be seen as having what they have not faced within themselves. Boundaries When one has boundaries and is aware of whey they begin and end and where other people begin and end, they are going to have a strong sense of what is theirs and what is not. So when one doesn’t have strong boundaries, they are going to have a tendency to see their issues in other people or they will allow other people to project their issues onto them. Therefore, if one constantly projects their issues onto others they will need to create better boundaries. And if one always allows other people to project their issues onto them, it will be important for them to develop better boundaries. Emotional Awareness This shows how important emotional awareness is; as when one is aware of how they feel, they will know what belongs to them and what doesn’t. If one is unaware of how they feel, then they are bound to see other people as being the problem or to allow other people to make out they’re the problem. Example So let’s say that one feels inferior and because they have disconnected form this inner experience, they end up seeing other people as inferior. One might come across someone who is struggling with something or who is unable to perform a certain task and this then becomes the other person’s identity. One is unable to see what is actually taking place and ends up seeing the other person as inferior. If the other person goes along with how they’re being treated, they could gradually begin to embody this outlook. This will cause one to feel superior and it will push them even further away from how they truly feel. Awareness This is just one of the many examples of how one can project their issues onto other people. If one has the tendency to see their issues in other people, it will be important for them to form a better connection with their inner world and to get in touch with their pain. And if one is used to having people project onto them, it will be important for them to strengthen their boundaries and to heal what is causing them to continually attract people who project. So if one projects their issues onto others, there is the chance they are used to having other people project onto them and vice versa. One could switch between the two options depending on who they are with or how they feel. The assistance of a therapist or a healer may be needed here. If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article. Oliver J R Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk/ When it comes to how someone sees themselves, the term ‘self image’ is often used. And the image that one has of themselves doesn’t have to reflect reality in any way; this is because there are no limits when it comes to how one can see themselves, but this doesn’t mean that one’s self image is empowering. One could have all kinds of ideas about who they are and while they could enhance their life, they could also end up sabotaging their level of happiness and success. For instance, one person could believe they are a certain way and another person could wonder how this person has come to believe such a thing. But even though another person doesn’t agree with how one sees themselves, it doesn’t mean that one is therefore deluding themselves. The other person could be someone who is trying to hold one back or it could relate to instance where they are aware of how one is holding themselves back. Change So while there is the chance that one’s self image is supportive and life enhancing, there is also the chance that it isn’t. And the image that one has of themselves might be empowering at one point in time but as time passes, it might disempowering. Fortunately, the image one has is not fixed and can be changed whenever one wants to change it. This is not always understood though; as one could believe that how they see themselves is the truth. It is then not a collection of ideas that one has, it is their true nature. Second Hand There is the chance that one has chosen the self image that they have. In this case, one is going to be on their own side and this is going to make their life a lot easier. However, one could also have a self image that they haven’t chosen and it is then second hand. There is then the chance that one is their own worst enemy and this is going to make their life a lot harder than it needs to be. Influences The self image that one has can be the result of: what their childhood was like, the kind of people they spend their time with and the culture of the country they live in, amongst other things. And while one is always going to be influenced by what it taking place eternally, it doesn’t mean that they have no control over what they come to accept as the truth. What this emphasis is how important it is for one to be aware of how they sees themselves. If one is aware it will give them the chance to change their self image, but this option is not going to be there if they not aware. Accepted Or Rejected So when one creates their own self image and has an idea of themselves that is supportive and empowering, they will know what to accept and what to reject. One can also engage in activities or spend time with people who will support how they see themselves. If one has a self image that is harming their life, there is the chance that they will spend time around people and do things that are no good for them. And this could be something that has taken place for quiet some time. Approval And once one has formed a certain image, it can be hard to change it and that’s not because it is having a positive impact on their life. What it can come down to, is how this is what feels safe at a deeper level. How one behaves, as a result of the self image that they have, is going to lead to a certain amount of approval. So if one was to change their self image and therefore their behaviour, it could lead to rejection. It is easy to fear the worst or to believe that other people will no longer accept who one is and these might not reflect reality. And while it is easy to assume the worst, there is the chance that people will react negatively or pull away when one changes who they are. Self Support So as there are going to be times when there is external opposition, it is going to be important for one to support themselves. To be on their own side and to have an inner dialogue where one is kind, loving and supportive. Not only will there be thoughts that can get in the way of one having a positive self image, there can also be feelings. And this is because ones feelings are not always created by their thoughts. Feelings One could feel a certain way and then their mind could interpret how they feel to mean something. The meaning that the mind creates, as a result of how one feels, can end up sabotaging their chance of forming a healthy self image. Examples The meaning that the mind creates is also going to depend on the context that one is in. So let’s say that one decides to put their needs first and because of this, they end up feeling guilty or ‘bad’. Here, one could end up believing that they are bad and that it’s wrong to put their needs first. It is then going to be a challenge for one to form a healthy self image when it comes to their needs. One could try something new and they could end up feeling overwhelmed and anxious. This could then cause one develop a self image that is based around them being incapable and that they lack the ability to try new things. Awareness So how one feels can end up defining how one sees themselves and although they are only feelings, they can be seen as the truth. What this shows is how important it is to observe how one feels and as opposed to letting ones feelings take over. If one does have feelings that are having a negative impact on their self image, it could mean that one has some emotional work to do. And as the emotional experiences of their past have been processed, one’s body and mind can start to work together. This can be done with the assistance of a therapist or a healer. If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article. Oliver J R Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk/ While the media covers many different areas of life, there are certain areas that are covered more than others. This can depend on what is taking place in the world at any given moment but at the same time, it doesn’t have to. There will be certain things that are given exposure and it won’t matter what is taking place in the world. There may be the odd occasions where these areas are overshadowed for a short period of time, but this won’t be for long. Point Of Focus One might be only too aware of how the media generally focuses on certain things or it might not be something they have even considered. And if one has placed their attention on something for a long period time, one outcome is that they will no longer question what they see and will therefore, just accept it. What this means, is that one has become a passive observe and is now longer actively engaged in what they are viewing. This is not to say that one is not emotionally affected by what they see, what it means is that one is not able to detach from what they are being exposed to. A Smell This is similar to how one can be aware of a new smell and then as time passes, this smell might no longer stand out. The same applies to the media; as a result of taking in what the media sells, one might no longer be aware of what they are focusing on. One’s mind is then open to all that they see and this there is no way for them to protect themselves. No thought is then given to what the Medias agenda is or how one is being affected by what they are focusing on. One Area So, one thing that the media like to focus on is violence and this is not limited to any kind of violence. And as there is violence is the world, it is only right that it is included in their coverage. If one only focused on what was right in the world, they would end up forming an inaccurate view of the world. And the same can be said when the media only focuses on what is wrong in the world. When one only sees what is not working or people who are causing destruction, they can end up believing that this is how the world is. And as the mind can see everything as being either black or white, all that is right about the world and people who are making a difference can end up being overlooked. Two Parts On one side will be the violence that the media presents on and on the other side, will be the affect that this violence can have on people. Of course, human beings are not all the same and therefore not everyone is going to respond in the same way. So this is not something that is black and white. However, if someone is constantly exposed to violence, it is going to affect them. It is not possible to just observe life; one is constantly being affected by it. This is why it is so important for one to pay attention to what they focus on and to ask themselves if what they are focusing on is having a positive effect on their life. Normal For when one is constantly exposed to violence, it is likely to become normal and how life is. And this is not bad per se; as violence is part of life and so, it is going to be seen as normal after a while. The challenge is that when violence is seen as normal, there is the chance that one will no longer be affected by it. It is then not only seen as part of life, but one can even start to tolerate it. Indifferent And one can end up being indifferent towards violence when they are no longer affected by it and have come to accept it as part of life. If violence wasn’t destructive, this wouldn’t be a problem. But just because violence is part of life, it doesn’t mean that one should just accept it and carry on with their life. For instance, one could come to see that pain is part of life and through accepting it; their life is likely to improve. The Illusion To accept that violence is a part of life and to no longer be affected it might make one’s life easier in the short term and appear to have no affect on the world around them, but this is nothing more than an illusion. If one is no longer affected by it they are going to be playing a part in its existence. Change only takes place when people stand up against what is wrong is the world. When something is simply accepted as part of life, there is not much chance that anything will be done about it. Violence will then continue to spread and all because it is seen as normal. Numb To constantly be exposed to violence can cause someone to emotionally shut down and this is done as a form of protection. One then can be exposed to violence without feeling anything and while this stops them from feeling, it is not ideal. Human beings are meant to feel and having empathy is part of this ability. So if one is out of touch with their own feelings and is therefore unable to experience empathy, there is the chance that other peoples suffering won’t affect them. Awareness What this demonstrates then, is how important ones feelings are and how important it is to limit the amount of violence that one is exposed to. If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article. Oliver J R Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk/ |
Oliver JR CooperAuthor of 26 books, Transformational Writer, Teacher & Consultant. Introductory Consultation
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Disclaimer
That which is contained within these articles is based on my own empirical understanding and is true for me at the time they were written. However, as I continue to grow, what I perceive as the truth will inevitably change and as a result of this - parts of these articles may not reflect my current outlook.
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