It is often said that human beings are designed to seek pleasure and to avoid pain, and while there is no denying this; it would be inaccurate to say that they will always try to seek pleasure. There are times when people experience pain and instead of it being something that encourages them to do something else, it can cause them to carry on doing the same thing.
An Abusive Relationship
For example, someone could be in a relationship that is abusive and while the pain they experience should cause them to walk away, this might not happen. Instead of doing this, they might end up staying with the same person.
What this shows is that although the relationship is causing them to experience pain, it is not enough for them to leave. On some level, they are likely to believe that they would experience far more pain if they left, and so the pain they are experiencing ends up being bearable.
A Clear Example
It might be easy for one to relate to his example, and this could be because they have been in this situation or it might be because they have come across others who have been. There is also the chance that they have seen others experience life this way and that they have also been in the same position.
Therefore, although one’s actions are being influenced by their need to avoid pain, it doesn’t mean they want to experience pleasure; another way of looking at it would be to say that experiencing less pain is more pleasurable. Ultimately, they are doing everything they can to avoid the pain they believe they would experience if they were to do something else.
However, while staying in an abusive relationship is a clear example, this is not the only way in which one can harm themselves through wanting to avoid pain. There are also ways in which this can take place that are not as clear, and in these examples, one might not even realise what is taking place.
One could also be in a position where they don’t experience the level of success they want in their career, their need to experience intimacy with others might not be fulfilled or they might not be able to find the ‘right’ one and/or they might struggle to make ends meet, among other things. If one is struggling in one of these areas, for instance, they may feel as though they have no control over what is taking place, and they may believe they are unlucky.
It can then be normal for them to feel powerless and they are likely to believe that they are simply ‘observing’ what is taking place in their life. The outlook they have can be a reflection of the society they live in.
When one has relationship challenges, they are often going to be seen as unlucky, and the same can be said if they have money problems. The conditioning they receive from others can then set them up to believe that while there are in control of certain parts of their life, there are other parts that are out of their control.
If one is unable to experience the level of success they want to experience, for instance, they are likely to suffer. This is not to say they won’t do anything, but no matter what they do, it might not be possible for them to move forward.
And while they could continue to struggle and talk about how their life doesn’t change, they could take the time to look into what is taking place within them. If they were to do this, they may start to feel worthless, and as though they don’t deserve to be successful.
One might not be able to experience intimacy or to find the ‘right’ one, for instance, and this is going to cause them to feel frustrated and even hopeless. It is then not possible for them to get close enough to anyone or they keep attracting the ‘wrong’ ones.
They could carry on doing the same thing and continue to suffer, or they could look into what is taking place within them. Through doing this, they may find that they fear getting too close to another and/or they may feel as though they are unlovable.
When one finds it hard to support themselves, they are going to struggle in life. And even if they do have moments where they are supported, these moments might not last for very long.
One way for them to change how they experience life would be for them to do more, and through taking this approach, they may believe that they will finally get the support they need; that’s if they haven’t already tried this approach and realised it doesn’t work.
Another approach will be for them to take the time to reflect on how they feel about being supported. Once again, they may feel as though they don’t deserve to have their needs met.
Two Types of Pain
The examples above, along with all the other examples that one can think of, can be seen as ‘symptoms’, and while these symptoms cause one to experience pain, this pain often pales in comparison to the pain they would experience if they were to face what is taking place within them.
Yet, because the within them is so painful, they can end up being disconnected from it, and it is then going to be normal for them to be caught up with the pain they experience through avoiding the pain that is within them. But although the pain within them is painful, it won’t last forever if they work through it.
The pain they experience through avoiding how they feel is not going to be as painful, but this pain can end up staying with them forever. Over time, their life is likely to get worse, and this is why it is going to be important for them to face their true feelings.
When one feels worthless and as though they don’t deserve something, is likely to be a sign that they are carrying toxic shame. And because of how bad one can feel when they are carrying toxic shame, it can be normal for them to disconnect from their true-self and for them to create a false-self.
As a result of this, one is going to live on the surface of themselves, and it is going to be challenge for them to see why they are experiencing life in a certain way. In order for them to let go of their false-self, they will need to work through their toxic shame, and the other feelings that have built-up within them.
This is a process that can take place with the assistance of a therapist and/or a support group.
If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article.
Oliver JR Cooper
While success can mean different things to different people, there are also different reasons as to why someone would want to be successful. And what makes them want to be successful can not only have a big impact on whether they are able to achieve what they want to achieve, it can also define whether what they want to achieve will end up being fulfilling.
A Common Approach
One approach is for one to think about what they want to achieve and then to work towards it. This may involve writing out a plan or they might just have a clear idea in their mind.
After taking action and this may have been something they did for a matter of months or even years, they may end up achieving what they want to achieve. They might end up feeling incredibly satisfied, and after reflecting on how hard they have worked, they might feel as though it was all worth the effort.
If they were to come across someone who wanted advice about how to achieve something, they may tell them to do the same thing as what they did. By being clear about what they want and through putting the work in, they will soon achieve their desired outcome.
They could then follow their advice and do what they can to move towards their desired outcome, and while it may take a while, they may soon get there. In this case, they are going to be pleased that they listened to the other person’s advice.
The Right Attitude
And along with being told that they need to have clear idea about what they want to achieve, they may also have heard that it is important for them to have the right attitude. This could be seen as something that will be a key factor in whether they will able to experience success.
If they haven’t heard this before, it may cause them to ask why this is important, and this may result in one being told that their external reality is influenced by their internal reality. Therefore, through maintaining an inner image, it will only be a matter of time before that inner image starts to materialise in the outside world.
Although one can decide what they want to achieve and then end up feeling fulfilled through achieving it, this might not be what takes place. Instead, one could end up achieving something that has no effect on them whatsoever.
They could end up wondering why they feel the way they do, and while they might take the time to reflect on what has taken place, they might end up having the need to achieve something else. This could then be way for them to finally feel fulfilled, and while this might work, there is also the chance that they will end up in the same position.
However, they might not even get this far, and this could be because it is not possible for them to move forward. Or if they do manage to progress, they may find that they soon end up where they began.
It can then feel as though they have one hand on what they want and just as they are about to grab it with their other hand, it gets taken away. This can then cause them to feel like a victim and as though something ‘out there’ doesn’t want them to succeed.
While one can focus on what they want to achieve and then do everything they can to achieve it, they can also look into why they want to achieve something. This will then give them the chance to find out why they want to achieve something.
On one side, one can have the need to achieve something because its part of their need to express who they are, and on the other, side, it can be a way for them to avoid how they feel. When it’s based on their need to express themselves, they are going to enjoy the process of achieving something, and they are not going to be consumed by the end result.
This is also likely to mean that they are not trying to avoid how they feel, and through not being attached to the outcome, it is likely to be easier for them to achieve success. The energy they are giving off is coming from a place of non-attachment, and this means they are not coming from a place of desperation or lack.
One’s life is being influenced by how they feel, and even though they can ignore what is taking place within them, it doesn’t mean the universe will. This is why it will be easier for one to attract what they want to attract when they are coming from the right place.
However, when one is trying to avoid how they feel, they are likely to have a strong attachment to what they want to achieve. They are then coming from a place of desperation and lack, and this is going to make it even harder for them to experience success.
The universe is going to respond to how they feel, and this means they are likely to come up against all kinds of unnecessary obstacles. And if their main priority is to avoid how they feel, it won’t matter if they are able to achieve something, and this is because what they achieve is unlikely to match up with their true needs or their ‘hearts calling’.
A Closer Look
When one is carrying toxic shame, for instance, it can set them up to become a human doing, and this means they are going of feel as though they need to justly their own existence. Through carrying this, one is going to feel as though they are worthless, and one way for them to feel different is to achieve success.
But as they feel flawed, it won’t matter what they achieve, and it is not going to be possible for them to work towards what really matters to them. Based on their outlook, they are not enough and achieving success is then a way for them to prove that they are enough.
In order for one to get in touch with what really matters, it is going to be important for them to work through the pain that is within them. Through working through this pain, they will give themselves the chance to achieve the things that actually match up with who they are.
The toxic shame within them may be the result of what took place during their childhood years, and through facing the emotional charge within them, the charge will begin to discharge. They may also have unmet childhood needs to mourn, and these are things that can take place with the assistance of a therapist and/or a support group.
If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article.
Oliver JR Cooper
How someone behaves at the beginning of a relationship can be different to how they behave as time goes by, and while a certain amount of change is normal, it doesn’t mean it is normal for someone to completely change. This could mean that as time passes they end up becoming someone else, or it may mean they end up being an even better match.
In the first case, this is likely to mean that one will wonder what is happening and why they didn’t behave in this way from the start. In the beginning, they may have felt as though the other person was a good match, and then they are going to see that the other person is not ‘right’ for them.
If, on the other hand, the other person becomes an even better match, it could cause them to believe that they are with the ‘right’ person. They knew the other person was a good match, and as time has passed, they are going to have more reasons to believe that the other person is for them.
Taken For a Ride
When one is in a relationship with someone who completely changes, they are likely to feel as though they have been taken for a ride. But if they were to talk to the other person about what has happened, it might not be possible for them to see what has taken place.
They may say that they haven’t changed and that they are still the same person. Or there is also the chance that they were aware of what they were doing; with this being a way for them to get their needs met.
In this case, it would be easy for one to blame the other person, and when this happens, they are going to be focused on what is taking place externally. The other person has ended up being someone else and so it is to be expected that they will be annoyed.
However, there is also going to be the part that one played in being attracted to someone who was unable to be authentic. For instance, if this is something they have experienced on a number of occasions, it will be important for them to look into why they would be attracted to someone like this.
Pointing the finger at the other person may allow one to feel better for a short time, but it won’t allow them to grow. When the other person changes, they might end up feeling rejected and abandoned, for instance.
And through being attracted to someone who is not fully available, part of them may believe that this will stop them from being rejected and abandoned. Therefore, the very thing they try to avoid ends up being the very thing they end up experiencing.
Better Than Expected
When one is in a relationship that ends up being eve more fulfilling than it was in the beginning, they are likely to be grateful for what is taking place. This could even cause them to say that they have met their ‘soul’ mate.
There is also the chance that they are used to being in a relationship like this, and if not, this could mean they have done all kinds of inner work in order to attract someone like this. It could then be how they have experienced life for most of their life, or it could be something they have experienced in their later years after a lot of hard work.
Not a Surprise
From the outside, it could be said that each person is lucky to have found each other, and how there are people who are not as lucky as that. When one doesn’t understand why something happens, they can end up saying that it all comes down to luck; this can then cause their mind to believe that they ‘understand’ why something has happened.
Yet, what it comes down to is that each person is in the ‘right place’, and this is why they are together. Ultimately, they are comfortable with themselves, and this then allows them to experience a fulfilling relationship.
The Other Stage
Just as someone can change as the relationship progresses, they can also change when a relationship comes to an end. Now, as this can be a time where incredible pain can be experienced, it might not be seen as a surprise.
Having said that, there are going to be times when the other person is still able to show the same level of respect that they displayed while the relationship took place. This is not to say that they won’t be experiencing anger and sadness, among other things; what it does mean is that they won’t allow how they feel to define their behaviour.
Out of Control
When someone is unable to do this and they end up acting aggressively, it could end up being a surprise. However, this can all depend on why the relationship has come to an end, and this is because the other person might feel as though they have a reason for behaving this was.
For example, if one cheated on the other person or if they acted as though everything was fine and then they changed, it can be normal for the other person to feel as though they have been violated. However, this doesn’t mean that it is then acceptable for them to cause harm.
While their aggressive behaviour could be the result of the pain they are experiencing as a result of the relationship coming to an end, it could also relate to pain that has been triggered from their past. And as this pain has come to the surface, it can then cause them to lose the ability to be present.
The pain that has been triggered could relate to their needs that were not met during their childhood years. During these years, they may have been rejected and abandoned on a regular basis, and this would have caused them to experience rage.
Being aggressive can then be a way for them to stop themselves from having to feel the pain of being rejected and abandoned. If they were to put their aggressive to one side and to go deeper into their feelings, they might end up feeling overwhelmed.
And once they go deeper, they could also come into contact with toxic shame, and this is likely to be something they first experienced through rarely, if ever, having their needs met as a child. If they were to get in touch with their toxic shame, it could cause them to emotionally collapse, and identifying with their rage will be a way for them to stop this from taking place.
When someone has the tendency to act aggressively when a relationship comes to an end, it will be important for them to look at what is taking place within them. The assistance of a therapist and/or a support group will give them the support they need to mourn their unmet childhood needs and to face the toxic shame that is within them.
If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article.
Oliver JR Cooper
Just because someone is being treated badly, it doesn’t mean they will realise what it taking place. This might be hard for some people to believe though, and this is because of how they experience life.
For example, if one is in a position where they have been treated badly for a certain period of time, it can end up being what is normal. This doesn’t mean they enjoy being treated in this way, but it can be what they have become accustomed to.
And depending on how long this has gone on for, this might be how they have always been treated. Therefore, they can believe that there is nothing they can do, and that they have to put up with what is taking place.
Similarly, if one is treated well by the people they surround themselves with; this could also be what is normal. And not only that, this might be how they have always experienced life.
As a result of this, they may wonder why someone would put up with being treated badly; especially when it is so much better to be treated well. Upon reflecting on what other people put up with, one may say that they wouldn’t put up with it, and they would walk away from those kinds of people.
This doesn’t mean they don’t come across people who treat them badly, but what it does mean is that the people they are close to wont be like that. And during those moments when someone is unpleasant, they are unlikely to simply put up with it.
How they respond can all depend on the context, and this means they might speak up or they could walk away, for instance. It is possible for them to behave in this way because they don’t tolerate bad behaviour, and this shows that they value themselves.
Through being their own best friend as opposed to their own worst enemy, one is not going to feel comfortable with being treated badly. The people they are close to will be people who not only respect them, but who also respect themselves, and this is why they will be able to respect others.
They are likely to have clear boundaries and a strong sense of themselves, and this will be an important part of why they are aware of what they will and won’t put up with. While this may be how they have always been, this might only be how they have been for part of their life.
In this case, there would have been a time where being treated badly was what felt comfortable. But even though it was normal, they were able to find a way to put an end to it.
Perhaps they had someone in their life that treated them well and this then made them believe that there is another way. Over time, and through getting the right help, their tolerance for being treated badly would have gradually declined.
When it comes to someone who believes they deserve to be treated badly, they are going to have a high tolerance for bad behaviour. When they come across people in their day-to-day life who treat them badly, it might not even stand out.
And during the time when they are with their friends or family, for instance, they might just go along with being treated badly. This doesn’t mean they won’t end up feeling angry, but it is not going to be enough for them to put an end to what happens.
The people they are close to may verbally abuse them, or it could be far more severe and one might end up being physically abused. One could find that there are times when the people around them treat them well and then there are times when they don’t.
It is likely to be a challenge for them to speak their truth and they may feel as though there is nothing they can do to change their life. There could be moments where they think about why their life is the way it is, and they may even think about what they have done to deserve this.
A New Start
Even if one was to cut their ties with the people they are close to who treat them badly, it doesn’t necessarily mean that their life will change in the long-term. If they were to spend time around people who treat them well, they might start to feel uncomfortable.
There is the chance that part of them will feel the need to be with the people who treated them badly, and if they were to return to them, they may feel as though they are back where they belong. On one side, they can feel uncomfortable being treated badly, and on the other side, they can feel comfortable with it.
Intellectually, they can feel the need to get away, but their body can feel the need to stay exactly where it is. If this conflict doesn’t exist, one might have just resigned themselves to living life in this way.
When one experiences pain and they don’t want to deal with how they feel, they can end up disconnecting from it, and when this happens, it can end up influencing their life without them realising it. Another way of looking at this would be to say that it will end up being repressed and it will then become part of their unconscious mind.
So, if one puts up with being treated badly and they don’t know why, it could because they have disconnected from what is taking place in their body. Whereas, if there is no resistance to what is taking place, it could be a sign that they are in touch with how they feel.
But regardless of whether one is aware of how they feel or not, they are likely to be carrying toxic shame. And while this will cause them to feel worthless, it is more than just a feeling; it is something that will have permeated their whole being.
As they feel so bad, they can feel as though they deserve to be treated badly. Through feeling this way, it is going to be a challenge for them to accept good behaviour.
One may have felt this way since the beginning of their life, and this could be a sign that they were abused and/or neglected. Time has then passed, but the emotional experiences of the past are still defining their life.
In order for one to no longer tolerate being treated badly, it will be important for them to look at what they believe and to process the emotional pain that is in their body. This is likely to be a time where one will need to tolerate their toxic shame until the charge begins to discharge and to mourn their unmet childhood needs.
The assistance of a therapist and/or a support group is likely to be needed here.
Oliver JR Cooper
When someone feels good, they may be drawn to things they wouldn’t be drawn to if they felt bad. What this shows is how much of an impact one’s mood has on their life and that this is not something one can simply overlook.
However, if one is committed to something, they might be able to carry on no matter how they feel. In this case, it will show that one has self-discipline and drive, and that they have a certain level of resilience.
This could be a sign that what they are doing really matters to them and a result of this; it is not possible for them to step back. No matter how they feel, it is going to be important for them to keeping going and not to take their foot of the gas, so to speak.
Alternatively, one may feel the need to keep going because they don’t have much choice. They could be in a challenging situation, and it is then not so much that they want to keep going as it is that they have to keep going.
If one was asked what they like to eat, they may say that it all depends on their mood, and this shows how one’s mood can have an effect on their diet. During those moments where one feels good, they might decide to eat food that is classed as ‘healthy’.
When they feel bad, they could end up eating food that is classed as ‘unhealthy’. Based on this, their body can have a greater chance of getting the nutrients it needs when they feel good.
One may find that they are drawn to chocolate when their mood drops, and then after consuming a certain amount, they feel better. However, while this may change their mood for a short while, they might end up feeling even worse.
For example, if they are trying to lose weight, they could end up feeling guilty and ashamed. Their mood could then drop even lower than it was before and in order for them to feel better, they could end up eating more.
They may then feel even worse and end up going through the whole process again, or they might end up being consumed by their bad mood. As time passes, their mood could begin to change; however, unless one does something else, they are likely to end up in the same position time and time again.
Through behaving in this way, one may end up punishing themselves, and this is going to make them feel even worse. One is then not working with themselves, they are working against themselves.
When one has a tendency to be drawn to things that are not good for them when they feel down, it could be said that they haven’t got the ability to regulate their emotions. As a result of this, they can’t stop themselves from reaching out for things that have the potential to harm them.
This is not to say that if one could regulate their emotions they wouldn’t reach out for anything, and this comes down to the fact that human beings are interdependent. But all the time they are unable to regulate their emotions; they are going to be in a desperate position.
What one can do to change their mood is to take part in exercise, spend time friends or family, and to be around animals. This will allow one to feel better and they are not as likely to feel bad after.
Having said that, there is the chance that one could end up over exercising in order to feel better and they could feel bad after seeing a friend. Therefore, it will be important for them to not exercise too much, and if they feel bad after spending time with a friend, they might need to take a closer look at their friendship.
One reason why one would have a pet is because they will have a positive influence on their mood; through being in their presence, one’s nervous system can end up being regulated. And along with their unconditional love, it is not hard to see why they are great companions to have.
If one wanted to change their mood and they didn’t want to go to the gym, for instance, they could listen to music. Through the internet, it is easier than ever before for one to listen to any style of music that they want to listen to.
The only thing they will need to think about is what kind of mood they want to experience; once they have done this, it will only be a matter of time before they will feel different. What this shows is how powerful music is when it comes to how one experiences life.
As one’s mood changes, they are also likely to remember times in their life when they felt different. Through feeling different, they may start to think about doings things that they haven’t done for a while.
Or if one is going through a time in their life where they are finding it hard to stay motivated, they may find that they start to feel motivated after they have listened to a few songs. And if after a while their mood starts to drop, they can go through the same process all over again.
Through listening to music, what is taking place in one’s head and their body will change, and it could also be said that one will be touched at a deeper level. Not only can one’s mood change through listening to something, they can also end up being completely transformed.
Friedrich Nietzsche was only too aware of how important music is when he said: ‘Without music, life would be a mistake.’
Oliver JR Cooper
If one was to think about what they used to wear when they were younger, they are likely to see that they no longer wear the same clothes. Perhaps they got to a point where they no longer fitted them and this caused them to wear something else.
They had to let go and while they may have enjoyed wearing them, this was something they had to do. The years will have passed and this could be something they have long forgotten about.
This is an example of what can happen when one is able to let go and doesn’t feel the need to hold on. When they can respond in this way, they might think about the past from time to time; but they are unlikely to be caught up in the past.
The same could be said if one was to have a drink in a coffee shop; they are unlikely to end up attached to the cup they use. Therefore, they can have their drink and then carry on with the rest of their life.
In examples such as these, it could be said the reason it is easier for one to let go is because there is less attachment involved. As a result of this, there is no reason for them to get caught up and to leave the present moment.
However, there are going to be times when it is not as easy as this, and one is then going to find it lot harder to live in the moment. Over time, they may be able to let go and carry on with their life.
Having said that, there is also the chance that one could end up in a position where it is not possible for them to let go. And no matter how much time passes, they are still going to be holding on.
On one side, they are going to have the need to let go, and on the other side, it is not going to be possible for them to do this. Even if this relates to one part of their life, for instance, it could still end up having an impact on every other area.
All the time one is holding onto something, it is going to take their energy away from the present moment, and when this happens, they are not going to be as available. The energy they would put into the present moment is then going to be channelled into the past.
Certain areas of their life can then end up being overlooked and their life can start to get worse. Through holding onto something, they might lose all interest in the present moment.
If part of them wants to let go and another part of them doesn’t, they may feel as though they have no control. Alternatively, if they don’t want to let go, the people around then could tell them that they ‘need’ to move on.
But even if one knows they need to move on, it doesn’t mean they won’t be told the same thing by the people around them. Intellectually, they know what they need to do; however, this is still not going to be enough.
Through the pressure one puts on themselves, it can be normal for them to feel bad and as though they are doing something wrong, and if other people are doing the same thing, it can cause them to feel even worse.
This can also cause them to feel as though they are weak and that they haven’t got what it takes to let go. Up until this point, they may have tried to let go by focusing on what is taking place in their mind.
If they believe that the key to letting to go is to change what is taking place in their mind, it shows that they are trying to use force. This is a common approach, and while there may be times when this approach works, this is not always going to be the case.
When someone has this outlook, they can also believe that their feelings are being caused by their thoughts. Changing what is taking place in their head is then going to be the way for them to let go.
The Other Way
However, while one’s feelings can be caused by their thoughts, their thoughts can also be caused by their feelings. Therefore, if one’s mind is caught up in the past, it could be a sign that they need to put their mind to one side.
This will give them the chance to look at what is taking place at an emotional level, and through doing this, they may find out why it has not been possible for them to let go. If one has an emotional build-up, it is going to be a challenge for them to live in the moment.
When something comes to an end, there is the chance that one will experience loss, and this could be the end of a relationship or the end of a certain period in their life, among other things. As a result of this, one is also likely to experience grief, and there will also be other emotions that one experiences.
There can be times when one experiences loss and the grief will be minimal, and there can be others times when it will be far more severe. Ideally, one will allow themselves to feel their grief and to mourn their loss by crying out the pain that is within them.
Holding It In
Through this, one will gradually be able to let go of their grief and the other emotions that they are experiencing; this will also be a way for them to let go of the stress hormones that have built-up within them. As important as this process is, it doesn’t always take place, and this is partly because crying is often seen as something to avoid.
Crying is not always seen as a sign of strength and as something that plays an important part in one’s emotional health; it is often seen as a sign of weakness. This then sets one up to hold onto how they feel and the mind can then start to see the body as the problem.
When it comes to crying, one will need to surrender to how they feel, and this means there is no need for them to do anything. If one has an emotional build-up, it is not going to be possible for them to cry out their pain in one go; this is something that will take time.
One may also find that they can’t cry or that they feel overwhelmed when they do, and in this case, it will be important for them to seek external support. This could be from a therapist and/or a support group.
If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article, as many others have.
Oliver JR Cooper
When some people think about what it is like to be in a relationship, they might get a sense of being around someone who is truly there for them. This means that the other person is not only physically available, they are also emotionally available.
Now, this could be because they are currently in a relationship like this or it could come down to how their relationships have been in the past. If they are in a relationship like this, they are going to want it to continue, and if this is how their relationships have been in the past, they are going to look forward to being in one on once again.
However, there are going to be others who are unable to relate to this, and this is because of the experiences they have had. Based on their experiences, being in a relationship can mean being with someone who is not completely available.
If they are with someone who is like this, this is going to be something they experience on a day-to-day basis, and if this relates to what happened in the past, their mind can remind them of what it was like. In this case, they are either going to be in a relationship that doesn’t fulfil their needs or they are going to think about what has happened and tell themselves they don’t want to go through all that again.
When one is in a position where their relationships are fulfilling, they might find it difficult to relate to people who experience life differently. However, this can all depend on whether their life has always been this way.
One may have had relationships that were not like this in the past, and this will then allow them to understand what it is like. Perhaps they looked into why they were experiencing life in this way and then decided to do whatever they need to do to put an end to these kinds of relationships.
If, on the other hand, one is in a position where they have a pattern of being in relationships that are not fulfilling, it can be difficult for them to understand why other people experience life differently. They can end up believing that other people have something they don’t, and this can cause them to feel hopeless.
And as this is what they have become accustomed to, it is going to be normal for them to feel this way. Yet, as they still have the need to connect with someone at a deeper level, it doesn’t mean they will just turn their back on relationships altogether.
The Main Problem
They may say that their relationships never work or that they always attract the wrong people, and they might believe that their life will never change. This could cause them to think about whether they are attractive enough or if they are smart enough, for instance.
And if they were to take the time to think about why their relationships are not fulfilling, they may say that they always attract people who can’t love them. This doesn’t mean this is how things always start off, but as time passes, this could be what takes place.
If they were to come to the conclusion that it is about what they look like, this may have caused then to become obsessed with their appearance. It is then not going to be enough for them to look after themselves; they will need to do everything they can to look ‘perfect’.
There is also the chance that they have been through all this and it didn’t make any difference. Or if they have come across people who have fulfilling relationships who don’t look a certain way, they may come to the conclusion that it’s not about what they look like.
Another thing they can do is to become more successful in the hopes that it will finally allow them to attract someone who will love them. This might make more people take notice of them, for instance, but that might be as far as it goes.
They can still end up in the same position, and if they believe they have everything going for them, it could be ever harder for them to accept how their life is. This is because they may believe that there is nothing else they can do.
If they have focused purely on what is taking place externally, it is likely to mean that they haven’t taken the time to get in touch with what is taking place internally. Therefore, it is going to be important for them to get in touch with how they feel and what they believe.
Through this, one can find out what their beliefs are and if they feel that they deserved to be loved. If one has a pattern of attracting people who can’t love them, there is a strong chance that they don’t love themselves.
What is taking place externally is then a reflection of what is taking place externally, and the reason why one can’t see this could be because they have disconnected from that part of themselves. Or if they haven’t done this, they might not realise how their inner world is influencing their outer world.
When one can’t love themselves, this is likely to mean that they are carrying toxic shame, and will cause them up to feel worthless. This will have permeated their whole being and they will feel as though there is nothing they can do to change how they feel.
Although they are naturally going to be frustrated with attracting people who can’t love them, this is going to be what feels comfortable at a deeper level. If they started to realise their value, this would gradually begin to change.
The reason they are carrying toxic shame, could be because of what happened during their younger years. This may have been a time when they were abused and/or neglected.
In order for one to move beyond this challenge, it will be important for them to let go of the toxic shame within them, and this take place through facing the toxic shame within them until the charge begins to discharge. And along with the belief work that will need to take place; they may also have unmet childhood needs to mourn.
The support one needs to undertake this process can come from a therapist and/or a support group.
Relationships: Can Someone Put An End To Dysfunctional Relationships By Leaving Relationships That Are Dysfunctional?
Whilst there are some people on this planet who have relationships that are life-affirming, there are others who have relationships that are the complete opposite. They are then living on the same planet, but the experience they have on this planet is going to be radically different.
When one has relationships that are life-affirming, their time on this earth is going to be far more fulfilling. In these kinds of relationships, each person is there to support the other and to assist in their growth as human beings.
If, on the other hand, one has relationships that are not like this, their life is going to be a lot harder than it needs to be. The people around them are then not there to support them; they are there to cause them problems.
The Wolf in Sheep's Clothing
This doesn’t mean that the other person was like this in the beginning, and this is why one can end up being surprised by how things have turned out. However, if they showed their true colours from the outset, it would be harder for the other person to attract people into their life.
Yet, there is also the chance that the signs were there from the start and then as time passed, they gradually began to change. Therefore, the person they became was a surprise, but it was not as if they hadn’t seen it coming.
The people around them may also have spoken up and asked them why the other person was in their life. But while they may have already been aware, another part of them may have caused them to overlook other people’s advice.
They may have sensed something was not right and their mind may have also spoken up, but the information they received from these two sources may have been ignored. Instead, one may have got caught up in how they felt and this then stopped them from being able to see clearly.
If one is already surrounded by people who are unhealthy, there is not going to be much chance of them receiving this kind of feedback. Or if they do, it may come from people who they are not close to.
What they hear from these people might be dismissed and one can then ends u staying in a dysfunctional relationship. And the longer they have someone in their life, the harder it can be for them to let them go.
This could be a relationship where the other person comes across as supportive in one moment and in the next moment they could end up being verbally and/physically abusive. They can then up feeling really good and really bad when they are in their presence.
If it is not this extreme, it might just be a relationship where one has to hide how they feel, and this then stops them from experiencing intimacy. It is then not going to be possible for one to be themselves and this means they will have to hide their true-self.
And when one is in a dysfunctional relationship, it shows that they are not putting their needs first. For one reason or another, they are involved in a relationship that is not good for them, and the longer they stay in this relationship, the worse they will feel about themselves.
In this case, it will be important for them to leave the relationship, and they may even have other relationships that they also need to walk away from. Through doing this, one may believe that they will be able to have relationships that are life-affirming.
Once one has left a dysfunctional relationship, for instance, they might take the time to think about what happened and to get back in touch with themselves, and after a while, they might feel as though they are ready to find someone else. The next person they meet could be completely different, and if this is the case, this will show that they have moved on.
If this happens, it could also mean that they have other people in their life who were also healthy. Being in a dysfunctional relationship with someone was then the exception as opposed to the rule.
The Same Dynamic
One could also leave a dysfunctional relationship and then end up in exactly the same position. They may have taken a break and thought about what happened, or they might not have taken the time to do this.
Even though they have left a relationship that was dysfunctional, they may feel the urge to get back together with the same person (even though they haven’t changed) or to find someone similar. If they are aware of what is happening, they may observe how they feel and wonder what is going on.
A Deeper Look
What this shows it that leaving a dysfunctional relationship is not always going to stop one from having dysfunctional relationships, and that it will be important for them to look at what is taking place within them. Through doing this, one will have the chance to see why they are attracted to certain people.
There will be what is taking place in their head and then there will be what is going on in their body. Intellectually, one can want one thing, but their body can want something else.
If one has a pattern of attracting dysfunctional relationships, it is likely to be a sign that this is what is familiar, and to the ego mind, what is familiar is what is safe. As a result of this, it doesn’t matter whether one is happy; what matters is experiencing that which is familiar.
This is not something one has to think about, as this will take place automatically and without one having to do anything. And all the time one is not aware of what is happening, they can end up feeling as though they have no control.
The kind of person one is attracted to as an adult can be the result of the kind of experiences they had during their childhood years. If one believes their childhood experiences have played a part or if they just want to put an end up what is happening, it might be necessary for them to work with a therapist and/or a support group.
This can be a time of changing what one believes and mourning unmet childhood needs, among other things.
Oliver JR Cooper
It is often said that human beings want to experience pleasure and to avoid. Based on this outlook, each person on this planet is going to have the same intention, and even if their actions are not allowing them to experience pleasure in one moment, they are going to hope that they will lead to pleasure at some point in the future.
In this sense, there are going to be times when one can achieve this aim straight away and other times when they will have to work towards this aim. Therefore, at times they will be able to experience instant gratification and at other times they will have to delay gratification.
The Same Purpose
However, regardless of whether they have what they want straight away or have to what a while, their intention is going to be the same. If they have something straight away, it might not be as fulfilling as it would be if they had to wait a while.
This is why it will be important for one to be able to handle frustration; without this ability, it is going to be a challenge for them to delay gratification. It can then end up being normal for them to be drawn to things that give them an instant boost.
A Different Experience
When one does feel good, their experience on this planet is going to be radically different to how it would be if they felt bad. And not only will this have a positive effect on their life, it can also end up having a positive effect on others.
This is because when one feels good, they may find it easier to accept others, whereas, if they feel the bad, it can be harder for them to do this. Through feeling this way, their whole life can seem more worthwhile, and this can cause them to find even more reasons to be happy.
On one side, one’s life can improve through feeling good, and on the other side, the lives of others can also improve through being in their presence. The people around them may end up being inspired and end up changing their life in some way, or they may just feel better for a short while.
This is going to mean that if one doesn’t feel good and they spend time around others, it could end up having a negative effect on them. But, while one may feel the need to always come across as though they are happy, it will be important for them to be honest with themselves if they want to be a whole human being.
In order for one to feel fully alive, it will be important for them to embrace both sides of the emotional spectrum. If they were to stop themselves from experiencing feelings from the ‘negative’ side of the spectrum, it will end stopping then from being able to embrace the feelings from the ‘positive’ side of the spectrum.
This is because although there are two sides, they are both coming from the same place. Therefore, it will be vital for one to understand that both sides are important when it comes to living a life where one feels fully alive.
While there is no doubt that human beings are programmed to seek pleasure and to avoid pain, it would be inaccurate to say that everyone on this planet wants to feel good. This is not to say this is relates to what they want at a deeper level, but based on how they behave; it can be seen as the truth.
There are some people who are rarely, if ever, happy, and even if they were given the chance to change how they feel, it doesn’t mean they would take it. It is then as if they are doing everything they can to stop themselves from being happy
And if they were to have moments where they felt happy, it might cause them to feel uncomfortable. They are then going to put an end to how they feel and return to what feels comfortable.
This doesn’t mean this will take place consciously and that one will think about what they are doing, but it will happen nevertheless. In this case, it could be said that one has a low tolerance for feeling good and a high tolerance for feeling bad.
When someone feels bad and they have a high tolerance for feeling good, they might reflect on why they feel as they do and then do something about it. However, when one feels bad and they have a low tolerance for feeling good, they might end up getting caught up in how they feel and do nothing about it.
To experience life in this way is going to be painful, but the pain they experience is not going to cause them to change. If one is aware of what is taking place and wants to feel better, they may wonder why this is what feels comfortable.
How one sees themselves is going to play a big part in what they allow themselves to experience. If one believes that they don’t deserve to feel good, it is going to be challenge for them to feel good.
Feeling bad is then not necessarily how they want to feel at a deeper level, but it is what feels comfortable. The belief they have in their head is likely to be kept in place by what is taking place in their body, and this could be a sign that they are carrying toxic shame.
As a result of this, it is going to be normal for them to feel as though they are worthless. At one point in their life, they may have been punished by others, and then as time has passed, they are punishing themselves.
This could have been during their childhood years and they may have experienced some kind of abuse and/or neglect. And until these experiences have been processed, one is not going to be able to tolerate good feelings.
One could focus on their thoughts and try to ‘think positive’, but as they can’t tolerate good feelings this is unlikely to get them very far. Another approach will be for them to let go of the toxic shame and the other emotions in their body, and as this happens, they will gradually be able to tolerate good feelings.
This is can take place through mourning unmet childhood needs and tolerating the toxic shame that is within them until the charge begins to discharge. The assistance of a therapist and/or a support group can give one the support they need to undertake this process.
It will also be important for them to be around people who accept them for who they are. This feedback will play an important part in one being able to realise there is nothing wrong with who they are.
Oliver JR Cooper
On one side, one can punish themselves, and on the other side, they can be punished by others. And while this is the case, it is often easier to see when one is punished by others.
If one ends up being treated badly by someone, for instance, there is a strong chance that they will be looked upon as the victim. This is primarily because the point of focus is likely to be on what is taking place externally and what is taking place internally can then be overlooked.
The ‘victim’ can then be seen as paying no part in what has taken place and the blame is then going to be placed firmly on the ‘perpetrator’. Now, this is not to say that was has happened externally has no importance; what it does emphasise is the fact that there is often more to this than meets the eye.
If one was to focus on what is taking place externally, they are likely to try to change what is happening around them. In order to do this, they might try to be ‘nicer’ or they may tell someone to treat them better.
They may believe that if they change how they behave, the other person will also change. Yet, when they stand their ground, they are not taking responsibility for the other person’s behaviour.
The Next Stage
While one could change their behaviour in the hope that the other person will change, this might not have any effect on them in the long run. However, this doesn’t mean they will simply walk away, and if they did, there is also the chance that they would end up in the same position.
Standing up and holding their ground might lead to the desired outcome; whereby, the other person changes or they end up walking away. There is also the chance that the other person will change and then as time passes, they may revert to how things were, and if one was to walk away, they might end up in a similar dynamic.
If one ended up attracting another person into their life who is the same or if they were just thinking about the likelihood of attracting someone similar, they might ended up feeling powerless. Their life is going to feel as though it is out of their hands, and it is then going to be normal for them to feel this way.
Another approach would be for them to get in touch with what is taking place within them. This is not to say that one will find the answers in their mind though, as the answers are likely to be in their body.
When one connects to their mind to see what is going on, they may find that this part of them has no idea. Their mind may believe that the problem is ‘out there’ and that they are ‘victims, for instance.
The mind is often seen as the story maker and it likes to see itself as the observer of life. This is why it is important to observe the mind and to see what is taking place in one’s body.
Into The Body
Once they have put their mind to one side, they may begin to get a sense of how they feel, and this may give them the insight they need. During this time, they may start to experience a sense of shame.
This is then likely to mean that they are carrying toxic shame, and as a result of this, it is going to be a challenge for them to feel as though they have worth. And if one feels this way, it is not going to be much of a surprise if they end up around people who don’t respect them.
The kind of people they have in their life and the experiences they have are going to be a reflection of how they feel about themselves. But if one is identified with how they feel, it is not going to be possible for them to realise this.
When it comes to the people who punish others, they are often the ones who have disconnected from their toxic shame, this shows how unbearable this experience is, and the pain they inflict on others is a reflection of how much pain they are in.
One then feels as though they deserve to be punished and this shows they are indentified with how they feel, and being punished by others (or themselves) is going to be what feels comfortable. Other people can then wonder why they are putting up with bad behaviour, for instance, but it might not even stand out to them.
How other people treat them can then be no worse than how they treat themselves, and while this is not a reflection of their true value, it is what they have come to accept. This is going to cause one to sabotage their life, and they can feel as though they are going to be punished even if when they haven’t done anything wrong.
What’s going on?
One can carry toxic shame because of what took place during their childhood years, and this may be the result of some kind of abuse and/or neglect. In the beginning, these would have been experiences that caused one to feel a certain way, to have certain sensations and for certain thoughts to appear (depending on what age these experiences took place), and then as time passed, these aspects would have caused one to create a shame-based identity.
Shame is then not something that comes and goes; it is something that is always there. And all the time their whole being has been permeated by it, it is not going to be possible for them to embrace their true-self and therefore, their inherent worth.
It is going to be important for one to let go of the toxic shame within them and they may have unmet childhood needs to mourn, and as this takes place, it will be possible for them to embrace their true-self. This can take happen through facing their toxic shame until the charge begins to discharge and through crying out the pain that is within them, and this can take place with the assistance of a therapist.
Being around people who affirm their inherent worth will also be important, and this means it will be best for them to avoid people who are shaming. This support can also come from a therapist and/or a support group and from trusted friends and family.
Oliver JR Cooper
Oliver JR Cooper
Teacher, Author, Transformational Writer & Consultant - With Over 2,000,000 Article Views Online.
That which is contained within these articles is based on my own empirical understanding and is true for me at the time they were written. However, as I continue to grow, what I perceive as the truth will inevitably change and as a result of this - parts of these articles may not reflect my current outlook.
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A Dialogue With The Heart - Part Two
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