There are certain things that can be passed on from one generation to another that are beneficial and life affirming. This could relate manners, values and etiquette. These aspects will not only affect how one lives their life, the lives of others are also going to be affected. Through being brought up to realise that these things are important, one is likely to pass them onto their children and to treat other people in the same way. And while one may have thought about how they were brought up and agree with what took place, there is also the chance that they will just pass on how they were brought up to their child/children. In this case, one has not thought about or questioned what took place. And if this relates to being brought up to have manners or etiquette, then it might not be a problem. However, when what is being passed on is not beneficial or life affirming, it is naturally going to lead to problems. The Damage Continues If one was abused whilst they were growing up and then ends up treating their child or children in the same way, they’re passing something on that is destructive. This shows that one has not been able to rise above what took place and has ended up being defined by it. And it is often hard to understand why someone who was abused would end up abusing someone else. This is because they know what it feels like to experience abuse and how much pain it causes. Facing The Pain When one faces the pain of being abused and processes what took place, it is highly unlikely that they will pass on the abuse. However, this doesn’t always take place and this will then play a significant part in why the pattern of abuse has continued. Instead of this, the pain is likely to have been repressed and one then ends up being disconnected from how they feel. During the time of the abuse, it probably wasn’t safe for one to express how they felt. So in order to survive, one wouldn’t have been able to show their emotions and therefore had to push them out of their awareness. But while their mind might not remember what took place, the pain has remained in one’s body. Lack Of Awareness And as the pain builds up, it is going to affect one’s ability to be aware of themselves. The paint that remains in their body is not just going to sit there and have no effect on one’s life. This pain will play a part in how one feels, how they perceive life and how they behave. And when this pain is triggered, one’s ability to think can end up disappearing and one can end up being possessed. Also, if one has been abused, it could have affected their ability to think in the first place. Toxic Shame And when one is abused, they’re likely to experience toxic shame. This is not the same as healthy shame and therefore something that is an important part of having a conscience, amongst other things. It is also not just a feeling; it is something that infiltrates ones whole being. Healthy shame will cause one to feel bad for a short while and then it will soon subside, once one has taken care of why they feel bad. Toxic shame doesn’t just cause one to feel bad; it causes them to believe they are bad. One will feel as though there is nothing they can do to change how they see themselves. Identity Although this doesn’t reflect ones true nature and is nothing more than a reflection of what was going on for the caregivers/s who abused them, it can become ones identity. And this is likely to have taken place when one didn’t have the ability to question what was going on and to see that they were innocent. So through feeling that one is deeply flawed and unworthy of life, there is the chance that this will end up defining their life. For one thing, one may feel too ashamed to tell someone how they feel or to seek assistance. The Years Go By Unless one deals with their toxic shame, it won’t just disappear; what it will do is play a part in how they treat themselves and how they treat others. One way for one to feel better about themselves is for them to shame the people around them. This is not to say that this will happen consciously, as one is likely to be unaware of what is taking place. As children are dependent and have very little power compared with an adult, they’re easy targets. Awareness What this shows is how important it is for human beings to face their pain and to heal their wounds. Society encourages people to look after their physical health and to eat well, but there is very little guidance when it comes to their emotional health. And as the external pressure is not there, it is normal for people to avoid their feelings. However, it is clear to see what can happen when one doesn’t face their pain and ends up harming the next generation. One doesn’t have to face their pain alone, there is support available. This could be through a therapist, healer, support group or a trusted friend, for instance. No one is their own island and this means that it is normal to need others. If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article. Oliver J R Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk/
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While the ideal might be for one to experience a balanced sense of self worth, this is not always what takes place. Instead, one might experience life in such a way that they feel up one moment and down the next. This is not to say that one won’t have moments where they don’t feel up or down; as they may well have moments when this is the case. To have moments when one feels elated and moments where they feel dejected are part of life. But this is radically different to someone who feels as though they can take on the world one moment and as though they can’t get out of bed in the next. And there are going to be moments in everyone’s life when they feel good and moments when they feel bad. Emotional State This is part of the ebb and flow of life and how it is impossible for one to always feel good. At times, one is going to experience things externally and internally that will cause them to feel good, just as there will be internal and external experiences that will cause them to feel bad. The only way one would be able to stop themselves from feeling different would be for them to disconnect from their emotions or to take anti depressants or something similar. Here, one might be without emotions and end up being emotionally numb. They would no longer experience an emotional flow and they might find that they no longer feel down. But as a result of this inner change, one might find it difficult to feel good. The Difference So it is normal to experience a whole range of feelings and this plays a part in one being able to experience a rich and varied existence. If one always felt good for instance, they would become num to this feeling and it would lose its value. It is through having the ability to feel bad that one is able to appreciate feeling good. However, there are going to be some people who not only experience emotional ups and downs, but who experience ups and downs when it comes to their level of self worth. And while this could be something they have become accustomed to, it has got nothing to do with the ebb and flow of life. Normal This is not the same as when one starts a new job or when a relationship comes to an end and they doubt their abilities or value as a human being, for example. In the first case, one might be doing something they haven’t done before and so it is normal to experience discomfort. And in the second example, one is no longer with the person they were with and the other person is no longer there to affirm them. So to question ones value for a short time is a normal part of experiencing loss. Up And Down When one feels up one moment and down the next, their career could be factor as could their relationships. But while feeling doubt or experiencing loss may have a momentary affect on one’s self worth, it is unlikely to cause them to feel completely worthless. That is unless one doesn’t have a healthy level of self worth and swings between feeling really good and really bad. If this is the case, it might not matter what is taking place in their life, as the same inner experience can occur. Extremes One then doesn’t have the odd moment where they feel down or up or even experience a slight variation in how they feel, how they feel about themselves dramatically changes from one moment to the next. It is then practically impossible for them to maintain their self worth and to be consistent in how they behave. This might be how they have always experienced life, and it is then part of life and something they have had to put up with. Two Options During those moments when one feels good, it is likely to be a wonderful experience. They are ready to take on the world and to face their challenges head on. Here, one can feel strong, capable, and confident and as though they deserve what life has to offer. If this was how one generally experienced life it would be fine, but this is nothing more than the calm before the storm. When they no longer feel this way, they’re unlikely to feel centred and at peace and they could feel as though they don’t deserve to exist. Avoidance That’s if they allow themselves to experience the thoughts and feelings that appear during these moments; as they might end up engaging in some kind of escape or have a certain addiction. Through this, one is able to repress what is taking place within them and to feel better. After this, they might end up feeling on top of the world again and then before long, the same thing can happen all over again. And all the time one avoids how they feel, they’re not going to be able to change their life. What’s Going On? When one feels good about themselves it is going mean that they have repressed how they feel at a deeper level. And when one feels bad about themselves it is going to mean that how they feel has risen to the surface. If one faces how they feel they’re likely to experience shame, but this is not healthy shame, it is toxic shame. And this is what is causing one to feel as though they are worthless. A Parasite One may have experienced verbal, physical, emotional and/or sexual abuse as a child and/or as an adult. However, while one’s mind may have disconnected from what took place and have no recollection of what happened, the shame they felt during these moments has stayed trapped in their body. And like parasite, it has infiltrated ones whole being and one then ends up believing that it reflects their true nature. This toxic shame, along with the other feelings that are in the body, will need to be faced and released. The assistance of a therapist or a healer is likely to be needed hear. If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article. Oliver J R Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk/ It is a challenge for some people to put their needs first and this is going to mean that they have a pattern of putting the needs of others first. This may mean that one takes care of their needs after, but it could also mean that one’s needs are not met. And while being selfless is often portrayed as something that human beings should aspire to, it is not healthy to be in a position where one ignores their needs for the needs of others. This is not to say that there won’t be times in ones life where they put other people’s needs first, as there are going to be times when this is appropriate. Compromise But when this becomes a way of life, one is going to be compromising their wellbeing for other people. This could cause them to gain positive feedback and for other people to admire them, but it won’t do much else. Their need to be accepted and approved of might be met, but one is only receiving these things because they’re putting other people’s needs first. And this is not going to be the same as if one was putting their needs first and then being accepted and approved of by others. True Self One’s life is then an expression of their false self, and this is a mask that one uses to survive and to fit in. At times one might need to wear a mask, but if this becomes a way of life, it is going to lead to problems. And as part of this false self, ones needs are secondary and the needs of others are primary. They might be aware of their needs, or they could be a mystery. Disconnected Connecting to the needs of others is then something that is natural and doesn’t require much effort and yet, connecting to one’s own needs could be challenge. In some cases, it might be more accurate to say that one is unable to connect to their own needs. The need might be there to fulfil ones needs, but through being out of touch with their needs, it is not going to be possible for one to fulfil them. However, whether this need is there or not, not only can one end up being disconnected from their needs, they can also feel compelled to meet the needs of others. Out Of Their Control Being there for others is then something that can ‘just happen’, and one then feel as though they have no control. This might be how one has always been and this is therefore normal. One may have formed an identity around meeting other people’s needs and this may then have played a part in the kind of profession they have. This is not to say that one doesn’t feel good through being there for others, but if their needs are not being met, they’re going to be running on empty. Anxiety If one is able to tune into their needs and then go about fulfilling them, it could cause them to experience anxiety and fear. And as way to regulate this inner experience, one can end up fulfilling the needs of others. It is then not possible for one to meet their needs and one can end up going round in circles. Through doing this, one is able to stop themselves from feeling uncomfortable, but as a result of this, their life is not going to change. Needs To have needs is part of being human and therefore, it is not something to feel ashamed of. Based on this, it should be normal for one to feel comfortable with their needs and to be able to have them met. What is not normal is for one to only feel safe when they are putting other people’s needs first. However, even though it is not normal, it is something that is normal in their life. Abandonment And the fear that one experiences when it comes to their needs can relate to the fear of being abandoned. So if they were to put their needs first, they would feel abandoned and below this feeling is likely to be the feeling of being helpless and that they will die. Now, one is an adult and this means that it is highly unlikely that they will die if another person leaves them. If one did put their needs first they might find that while some people won’t accept them, there will be plenty of people who will. What Is Going On? What this shows is that although one is physically an adult, and they may also have a well developed intellect, their level of emotional development is way behind. As a child, one didn’t have the ability to regulate their emotions and to be left would have felt like the end of the world. During these years, one may have been neglected during certain moments or have been left for long periods of time. Putting their caregiver’s needs first may have been something they had to do; as if they didn’t, they may have been left. Emotionally Stuck While time has passed, how one felt all those years ago has stayed trapped in their body. And as they feel the same way, it is then causing them to re-create the same reality. The emotional experiences of the past need to be faced and released; through this, one will be able to feel comfortable with their needs and no longer feel like a child. The assistance of a therapist or a healer may be needed here. If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article. Oliver J R Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk/ There can be times when ones relationships are free from problems and then there can be moments when this is not the case. One could also be in a position where this is the only thing they know and they have never experienced relationships that have flowed. Conflict Conflict is then something they have been accustomed to and while conflict is not always negative, if it’s the only thing that one has known, it is going to be. To live a life where there is only agreement and an absence of conflict can sound appealing, but it doesn’t reflect reality. No matter how close someone is or how long they have known each other for, it doesn’t mean that they will always agree with each other. Now, this doesn’t mean that it has to spiral out of control and turn into abuse or violence. Responsibility Each person can own their experience as opposed to getting into finger pointing and therefore, renouncing responsibility. When someone says that they never experience conflict and everything is fine, they could be telling the truth and at the same time, it could mean that they’re living in denial. Their problems are then being repressed and one is then out of touch with themselves. In the short term this might be the easiest option, but as time passes, the consequences could be severe. Growth When one takes responsibility for how they feel and are open to the part that they may be playing in what is taking place, it will create the opportunity for growth. This could relate to their growth as an individual, the other persons growth and to the growth of the relationship. And at the same time, the other person might not be open to looking at what needs to change and so, the only person who benefits is oneself. The other person resists the change and ends up staying as they are and this is likely to mean that the relationship will come to an end. Acceptance However, while one can change themselves, they can’t change other people. And if another person is not open to feedback or willing to talk about what is creating conflict, one is going to need to accept it. When feelings are involved, it is not easy to accept the fact that another person’s is unwilling to change. And so it is only natural to persist, even though nothing it is going to change. At least one can walk away knowing that they played their part. The Opposite To take responsibility for how one feels and to accept that one is not just an observer of what is taking place in a relationship is a sign of maturity and self awareness. As a result of this, there is then no reason why one can’t experience relationships that are fulfilling and life affirming. However, if one doesn’t own how they feel and believes they are just observing what is taking place, then it is going to be a lot harder for them to experience relationships that are fulfilling and life affirming. Two Sides This can cause one to believe that they have it all together and that the other person is the problem. And while this can stop one from having to look in the mirror, it can cause them to stay stuck. It could also cause one to feel like a victim and that they have no control when it comes to their relationships. One is then helpless and there is no way for them to have the kind of relationship/s that they want. More Than An Observer If one continues to experience the same problems, then it is a sign that they need to look within themselves. As human beings, we play a part in what we experience and then our mind observes what is taking place. And if one is out of touch with their body, they can end up believing that they have played no part in what is showing up and that they are simply the observers of their reality. But while the people they meet are different, the person who keeps showing up is oneself. Patterns If one reflects on the kind of relationships they have had and are still having, they might begin to notice a number of patterns. For example, one might find that they attract people who are emotionally unavailable, self centred and/or needy, amongst other things. When one has a pattern of attracting people are emotionally unavailable, then there is a strong chance that they are not emotionally available either. If one attracts people who are self centred, this could be a sign that one doesn’t feel comfortable with their own needs and believes that other peoples needs are more important. And the reason one attracts people who are needy is likely to be the result of them being disconnected from their own neediness. The neediness of others is then an externalisation of what they have denied within themselves. Blame So blaming others might be something one is used to, but if the same people keep showing up, it is going to be important for one to look within themselves. This is likely to be more painful in the short term, but the long term benefits will outweigh the short term pain. Here one might need the assistance of a therapist or a healer, or some kind of coach. Reading up about relationships will also give one the chance to see why they attract the people they do and why the same problems continually appear. If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article. Oliver J R Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk/ For some people, their day is not complete unless they’re kept up to date by the news. And this can come about through listening to the radio, watching TV or reading a newspaper. These options can also be put to one side with how far technology has come and one only needs to use their phone. Here, one will be able to listen, watch and/or read about what is currently taking place in the world. One way of looking at this is to say that it is easier for people to connect to the mainstream media than ever before, another way would be to say that it is has never been easier for the mainstream media to get into people’s minds. However, no matter how one looks at it, it is clear that times have changed and it doesn’t take long for information to be shared and then received. The Modern Word In the past, the news was mainly dispersed through print and through sound. This then changed when the television was invented and this gave people the chance to watch what was taking place in the world. As a result of this, one no longer needed to expend as much energy when it came to the news. They could sit passively and their mind would simply absorb everything. Whereas before, one would have needed to use more energy in order to be kept up to date when it came to what was taking place in the world. Change When the world change is used, it is often seen as something positive, but change is not always positive. And when people no longer needed to use as much energy and could simply sit back, a radical shift took place. It is often said that human beings don’t like to think and will therefore do everything they can to avoid thinking. Cleary this perspective doesn’t apply to every human being on the planet, but at the same time, it would be inaccurate to say that all human beings like to think. Television So as a result being able to watch the news, it meant that people were encouraged to be passive. There was no need for them to think about what they were being exposed to or to question what they saw. And if one has just come back from a long day at work, the last thing they want to have to do is to use their brain. The media was seen as a trustworthy source; as a source that was only there to inform people about what was taking place. The Visual World Fast forward to today’s world, where people now have phones that they can watch the news on, and this is simply part of life. For some people, this is the only thing they have known. No longer does one need to read, the only thing they need to do is to find a video. And what can’t be denied is that it is a lot easier to watch a video than it is to read something. But just watching videos doesn’t develop one’s mind in the same way as reading does. Reading Reading allows one to develop the ability to reflect, to think critically and to be mindful. One’s ability to focus and to gain a deeper understanding of something is also something that takes place through reading. This is not to say that videos should be outlawed and that reading is the only thing that matters. To watch a video is passive and is therefore easy, to read is an active process and this means that one will need to use more effort. Both are important in order for one to avoid being out of balance. Wide Open When one is passive and doesn’t think about what they’re being exposed to, they are wide open. There is then no way for them to know if what they’re allowing into their mind is true or not. This is why videos are so powerful, as they can end up bypassing ones rational mind. Ones emotions are then triggered and one is unable to think. It then won’t matter whether what they are being exposed to is accurate or reflects reality, as their mind is not longer in use. In the words of Nassim Nicholas Taleb - ''We are not rational enough to be exposed to the press". Mere Puppets And if a human beings ability to think is out of the way, then it is not going to take much to control them. But if human beings in general are too irrational, as Nassim has said, then surely it doesn’t matter. However, while human beings are irrational, not everyone is going to be on the same side of the spectrum. This doesn’t mean that some people are unable to be deceived; it means that some people have developed their critical abilities and some people havent. Critical Thinking People are generally taught what to think, but what they’re rarely taught is how to think. And just because ones emotions are triggered by the media, thereby causing them to feel as though what they are being exposed to is true, they could be deluding themselves. For example, one can watch a film and feel as though what is taking place is real and in this instance, one knows it is just an illusion. However, when they watch the news and feel a certain way, the same outlook is unlikely to arise. The media has an agenda and this means that one has to protect their mind. In many ways, the intention of the media is not to inform people, it is to condition them to perceive life in a certain way. If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article. Oliver J R Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk/ While one has inherent worth, it doesn’t mean that they’re able to realise this. And when this is the case, it is likely to be due to the toxic shame that they’re carrying within them. As all the time one is carrying this within them, it is going to make it more or less impossible for them to realise their value. This can cause one to feel as though they’re deeply flawed and it then doesn’t matter what they do or what they achieve, as nothing will change. One can then feel less than human and as though they are completely worthless. Two Types One could then come to the conclusion that shame is therefore bad and that it has no purpose other than to destroy ones sense of self. However, there are two types of shame and while toxic shame is destructive, if one had no shame whatsoever, it would be equally destructive. If one has a conscience, they’re going to feel shame form time to time and while this will cause them to feel bad from time to time, it won’t become a way of life. Through feeling bad, it will allow them to become aware of what they have done wrong and to take the steps to put it right or not to do the same thing again. The Absence Of Shame So healthy shame allows one to be aware of how their actions are affecting others and how their own life is being affected. If this shame didn’t appear during these moments, one is going to come across as lacking empathy and as having no concern for other people. In the absence of shame, one is likely to end up behaving in ways that are inappropriate and offensive. They are then going to come across as lacking humanity and therefore, they’re going to end up alienating themselves from others. Temporary But healthy shame is there for a certain time and then it will soon subside. This means that one doesn’t feel as though there is something inherently wrong with them and neither do they develop a shamed-based identity. When this happens, one is stuck in shame. The shame that one felt in relation to a certain situation has then stayed around and has become who they are. And when one feels this way, there are a number of things that can take place. Acceptance If one was to accept their shame, they’re going to feel worthless and because of this, it is not going to take much effort for other people to notice how they feel. This could be seen through how another person presents themselves and the kind of behaviour they put up with. Ones intention is then not to be seen by others or to be in the spotlight, it is going to be to hide from others and to avoid attention. Their tolerance for being treated badly or even abused by others is then a reflection of how worthless they feel. Resistance Another approach that one can take is to repress their toxic shame and to become disconnected from it. Here one doesn’t come across as worthless or less than others, they can come across as being larger than life and act as if other people are inferior. The shame that they have disconnected from ends up being projected onto other people. But as they are out of touch with their own inner world, they’re unlikely to realise what is taking place. Image Obsessed And while people in the first example are unlikely to do anything to improve their image or to develop themselves, the people in this example can end up being obsessed with their image and have a strong need to develop themselves. This can keep their toxic shame at bay but what it won’t do is remove it; which is why it has developed into an obsession. Perhaps this is why the cosmetic and self development industry has become so big in recent years. The need to be perfect is another consequence of feeling flawed within. Shaming Others And if one carries shame on the inside, there is a strong chance that not only will they shame others, but that other people will also shame them. One can shame others without being consciously aware of what they are doing. Through shaming others, it will allow one to elevate themselves for a short while and to regulate how they feel. If one is shamed by another, they might not even notice what is taking place and this is because it reflects how they feel on the inside. So until one feels different, they’re going to allow other people to shame them and they are more likely to shame others. An Analogy So when one experiences toxic shame, it is like wearing glasses that are dirty and then cleaning external objects as a way to improve one’s vision. No matter what one cleans, the glasses are still going to be dirty. Just as no matter what one achieves or how they look, it won’t change how they feel at a deeper level. What is taking place within them doesn’t belong there and needs to be released. A Deeper Look As one feels ashamed of who they are, they might be able to locate moments in their adult life where they felt ashamed, but this is unlikely to be where it all began. This is likely to be something that started during their childhood years and relate to how their caregiver/s treated them. Here, one may have been physically, verbally and/or sexually abused. Neglect can also lead to the same outcome and cause one to feel worthless. This shame would then have stayed trapped in one’s body. Awareness So in order to move beyond feeling flawed, one will need to release the shame that has remained within them. And not only will one be facing shame, they are also likely to come across grief, abandonment, rejection and even death. To release these trapped emotions, one might need the assistance or a therapist or a healer. They will be able to hold the space and to give one the support they need to go to the depths of their being. If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article. Oliver J R Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk/ In recent times, people have become more aware of how powerful their thoughts are and while the power of one’s thoughts is nothing new, it was not something that was as well known in the past. And the reason more people are aware of the power of their thoughts is partly down to the internet. The internet has made information a lot easier to attain and people no longer need to be part of a certain society or to take part in formal education in order to educate themselves. What was classed as hidden knowledge or a ‘secret’ at one point in time is now widely available on the internet. One has to find this knowledge, as it is not going to fall on their laps. But if the desire is there, then it is not going to take much effort to come across information that would have been near impossible for find in the past. Self Development Another factor is the self development industry and how so much of what this industry covers relates to ones thoughts. There are of course, other areas that are covered, but this is one of the main areas. This could be taken as a sign that people are becoming more aware of themselves and are starting to experience greater self control. As opposed to being oblivious to what is taking place inside their heads and feeling that they have no control over their life. Self Talk One area that if often spoken about when it comes to ones thoughts, is how one talks to themselves. So this relates to the dialogue that goes on inside one’s mind and this is going to play a part in what one does or doesn’t do, amongst other things So what one does or doesn’t achieve and the kind of behaviour they put up with from others will often reflect the inner conversation that one has. Based on this, one is either their own best friend or their own worst enemy. Positive Thinking This is then part of thinking positive and expecting good things to happen, as opposed of expecting bad things to happen. Here, one focuses on what is positive and moves their attention away from what is negative. And as the mind is like a garden, it makes perfect sense to place ones attention on what is life enhancing. What one focuses on grows, so why would they want to place their attention on what is negative? Avoidance This can then cause one to avoid anything that is negative and while it can seem to be the right thing to do, it can actually lead to problems. As the saying goes – ‘what we resist persists’. It can then lead to denial, avoidance and therefore repression, but then, life is rarely black and white. Positive thinking is then an important part of living a fulfilling life and yet, it is not a panacea. At times, one will need to drop the positive thinking and face what needs to be faced. But while they are doing this, one can keep a positive outlook and at the same time, face what is not necessarily ‘positive’. Feelings And another part of being in control of one’s thoughts is the ability to control how one feels. One is then using their mind to control how they feel and if one has always been enslaved to their feelings, this is going to be a monumental change. For most of one’s life, they may have thought that their feelings just appeared out of nowhere and now, they’re aware of how this is not the case. So if they feel down and unable to move forward in life for instance, they will focus on their thoughts and see how they need to ‘think differently’. Top Down Based on this outlook, it is what is going on in one’s head that is defining how they feel in their body. And if one was to think about a scenario where everything goes to plan or imagines people responding well to them, then they are likely to feel good. On the other hand, if one was to think about a scenario where everything goes wrong or thinks about an interaction where another person doesn’t respond well to them, they’re likely to feel bad. Complete Control The mind is then seen as having complete control when it comes to how one feels and therefore, if one believes that it is not their thoughts that is causing them to feel a certain way, it is because they are simply unaware of what is going on in their mind. So one could then go about increasing their level of awareness until they find the thoughts that are causing their feelings. However, what if ones thoughts don’t always define how they feel and this is then nothing more than half truth? On one side, this outlook might be dismissed and yet, if one has been unable to change how they feel by thinking differently, surely it would be worth looking into? Bottom Up The other side of this is that, one’s thoughts do not always define how they feel. They might trigger the feelings that are already in their body (the unconscious mind), but what they don’t always do is cause them. And these feelings could have been trapped in one’s body since they were a baby and are therefore, have nothing to do with ones adult life. The focus is often on ones thoughts and how powerful they are, but as baby, one didn’t have the ability to think. And this is because their cortex wasn’t developed; they only had bodily sensations and feelings. Trapped These feelings can then end up being trapped in the body and go onto form the contents of one’s ‘unconscious mind’. How they feel is then triggered by how one thinks, but it is not caused by how they think. And if these feelings were not in one’s body, they would also think differently. Their behaviour would change, as would their perception of life and other people. The body is then an important area for one to focus on if they want to change their life and not just their mind. Awareness Working from the head down is then one option and ones development can also be supported by working from the bottom up. When it comes to working with the mind, one might use positive thinking or something similar. And in order to process what is taking place in the body, some kind of body work will be needed. If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article. Oliver J R Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk/ Through the introduction of social media, people have been able to express themselves in ways that were not available in the past. People can share how they feel, where they are and where they are going, amongst others things. But one is not limited to words when comes to what is taking place in their life, they can also take pictures of themselves. And while one can share pictures of where they have visited or the time they have spent with friends or family, another option is for them to take close up pictures of their face. When one takes these kinds of pictures, they might be in front of something significant but at the same time, they might not. The primary focus of the image is then their face and what is taking place behind them is therefore irrelevant. A Matter Of Degree However, although some people might share a close up image now and then, there are other people who share them on a regular basis. There are also going to be people who don’t share many ‘Selfies’, and then this may change for a certain period of time. This shows that this is not black and white and how people’s photo sharing behaviour can change. And when someone increases the amount of Selfies they share, it is going to stand out more than it would if someone is always sharing them. A Behavioural Change It stands out because their behaviour has changed and while another person’s behaviour may stand out, it is normal. There may have been a time when their behaviour would have stood out but as time has passed, it is probably what people have come to expect of them. So when it relates to someone who has changed their behaviour from that of someone who rarely shared them, to someone who is, more or less, constantly sharing them, it could be said that one’s emotional state has recently changed. Emotional State This could be a sign that something minor has occurred in their life or it could be something far more significant. Their pictures could then be a cry for help and a way for them to receive some kind of support and validation during a challenging time in their life. And through the responses that one receives from the Selfies they share, one will then be able to change how they feel. The affect they have on their emotional state could make a massive difference and play a part in one being able to get over a tough period in their life. Example One may have been through a break up and therefore not only do they feel bad, but their self image may have been affected. The responses they receive from others cause them to feel better and to reinforce their self image. Another Outcome This could also go the other way though, as one might not get the responses they desire. Or the external feedback that one does receive from others might work in the beginning but as time passes, it might start to wear off. The law of diminishing returns is then at work and one will need to do more in order to experience the same effect. So one might start to take more Selfies or they could even go even further and come to the conclusion that they need to change their appearance. Appearance This could be a new hair style, different makeup, a tan or even some kind of cosmetic enhancement. Here, one has allowed the opinions of others to define how they feel and their level of self worth. And while human beings are interdependent and therefore need to receive positive feedback from others, one is going to create problems for themselves when they become dependent on the views of others. Dependent Here, one is in a position where they are no longer in control of how they feel or how they see themselves. And when one is always posting Selfies and this doesn’t relate to the odd occasion, they could also be in the same position. The Modern Day World One argument could be that posting Selfies is just a reflection of the modern day world and is a consequence of modern technology and there is probably an element of truth to this. However, just because something has become normal or is a common occurrence, it doesn’t mean that it is therefore healthy. For one thing, today’s society doesn’t exactly entourage people to be themselves or to realise that they are enough. And people’s childhoods rarely set them up to feel that they are enough or give them the ability to regulate their emotions. Emotional Regulation These two factors can then cause people to be dependent on the views of others when it comes to how they feel and see themselves. So when one can’t regulate their emotions, they’re going to need to find ways to regulate how they feel. And posting a Selfie is one way for someone to regulate their emotions. Two Sides And while one may have a self image that is relatively strong in the beginning, through opening themselves up and looking for validation from others, it could start to diminish as time goes by. One can begin to base their value on how people respond to their images. This shows that it is not just the people who lack a strong sense of self and are dependent on others who can be drawn into this; it can also have an effect on people who were initially strong. The reason they were sucked in could be due to a current challenge in their life. Conclusion So then, posting Selfies is clearly not something that is black and white, there are many different factors involved. And taking pictures of oneself and then sharing them with the world is not something that one should feel ashamed of. One is entitled to share pictures of themselves, however, it will be important for one to be aware of why they’re doing what they doing and the affect it is having on their life. And if one is experiencing some kind of challenge, is unable to regulate their emotions and/or has a disempowering self image, then it will be important for them to reach out for the right support. If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article. Oliver J R Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk/ While some areas of the planet are far from safe, there are other areas on the planet that are the complete opposite. And due to what the media covers, one can end up coming to the conclusion that the whole world is unsafe. Now, this doesn’t mean that one’s safety will be guaranteed if they were to live in a certain area; as this is not something that can be guaranteed. It won’t matter where one lives and this is not necessarily because of what human beings can do, it also relates to what nature can do. But with these two factors in mind, it is clear to see that certain areas of the planet are safer than others. The media often talks about the ‘safest countries’, and while one might not know what countries are on this list, they are likely to know what countries are not on the list. Closer To Home And when it comes to where one lives, they could live in an area that is relatively safe. However, just because this is the case, it doesn’t mean that one actually feels safe. This is then going to mean that the outlook they have doesn’t reflect reality. One may have heard about violence in their area, observed it themselves or even have been the victim of it and yet, these could be exceptions. For the most part, their life could be free from violence or anything else that could cause them to feel unsafe. A Mismatch As a result of this, one is not going to be able to settle down and to appreciate how safe their current environment is. What is taking place within them and how they are interpreting their internal reality is affecting their ability be present and to see their reality for what it is. For example, people who accept what the media sells and don’t question what they’re being exposed to can end up creating a dysfunctional view of what is taking place locally and globally. But although the inner model of the world that one has created is inaccurate, it can end up being seen as the ‘truth’. This can then cause one to feel unsafe and this is not necessarily because the area they live is unsafe, it is because one has allowed the media to define how they perceive reality. The area they live in could be one of the safest places around, but that won’t matter. Another Outcome There is also the chance that one’s external reality does match up with how they feel. So not only does one feel unsafe, they also live in an area that is not safe. Or if it doesn’t relate to the area, it could relate to a relationship that one is in, the kind of relationships they have and/or what is it like where they work. What is taking place externally is going to play a part in how one feels on the inside. And at the same time, what is taking place on the inside is going to have an effect on what one experiences on the outside. Just Below The Surface So as one doesn’t feel safe, their behaviour is not going to be the same as it would be if they felt safe. It is not going to be possible for one to ‘be themselves’, they’re going to have to be on guard and alert to what is or what may happen. However, just because one doesn’t feel safe, it doesn’t mean that they’re aware of it. How they feel and how they behave is being defined by the fact they don’t feel safe, but that might be as far as it goes. This doesn’t mean that one lacks intelligence; it could be because this is how they have always experienced life. Self Expression And if one doesn’t feel safe, it is likely to be a challenge for them to express who they really are. Instead, one may be like a chameleon and be who other people want them to be or who they think they want them to be. They might let other people walk all over them and find it a challenge to be assertive and to stand their ground. Their level of success might never change and this is because they only feel safe if they stay under the radar and don’t stand out. Their outlook is ‘if I’m not seen, I will be safe.’ Another Option If this doesn’t happen, one can end up going to the other extreme and coming across as someone who has no awareness of other people’s boundaries. They’re more likely to violate another person boundaries; their outlook is ‘if I don’t attack, I will be attacked’. How they come across is radically different to the first example, but they are two sides of the same coin. Either way, their views of the world are likely to be very similar at a deeper level. Physical Appearance When one doesn’t feel safe, their body is likely to have adapted to how they feel. One may end up being overweight and while they may want to lose this weight, it is the only way they feel safe. Another option is for one to armour their body with muscle; it can then cause them to feel impervious. Just as one might be unable to gain weight; as this would cause them to take up more space. How Did This Happen? One may point to something that has happened during their adult life as the reason why they don’t feel safe. And it could be due to what has happened during ones adult years, however, this could be an effect of what took place during their childhood years. Their mind may have lost touched with what happened and this is normal, but their body still remembers. Fight, flight or freeze is then how their body often responds to life and is rarely, if ever, at peace. Childhood So what happened during these early years has then caused one’s mind to believe that the world is not safe and their body has stayed stuck in survival mode ever since. And as this is what is taking place within them, they have continued to re-create the same experiences and to interpret their life so that is matches their inner experience. During these formative years, one is likely to have experienced some kind of trauma. This might relate to something that was a one off or something that happened on a regular basis. And while this could have been something significant, it could have been an accumulation of experiences that were fairly minor. One may have been physically or sexually abused for instance. Or perhaps one received a lack of attunement when they were growing up and ended up being neglected. And this then caused them to fear their fellow human beings. Awareness No matter what has happened, it will be important for one to reach out for support. One doesn’t have to live their life this way and while one could change where they live for instance unless, this might not be enough. What is going on with within them will need to be dealt with. One may have an emotional built up that needs to be processed for example. So the assistance of a therapist, healer or some kind of support group is likely to be required. If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article. Oliver J R Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk/ While one may find it easy to take care of other people’s needs, they might find it hard to take care of their own needs. Putting other people’s needs first and being ‘selfless’ is often glorified; whereas if one puts their needs first, they can end up being portrayed as ‘selfish’. But to say that one option is better than the other would be inaccurate, and this is because they both have a part to play when it comes to living a fulfilling life. If one is unable to be selfish and to take care of their needs, it is going to affect their ability to be there for others. Their own needs are not being met and so one is not going to be at their best. One may come across as having it all together but as their needs are not being met, one is going to be running on empty. And if one is always selfish and doesn’t consider the needs of others, they are also going to suffer. Through being caught up in one’s own needs, it is going to cause other people to look the other way and to look for someone who is not as self-absorbed. Integration Ideally, one will live a life where their needs are met on one hand, with it also being possible for them to meet other people’s needs on the other. This shows that they are in balance and that they’re able to give and to receive. Generally, it is not going to be a challenge for them to be there for others and this is because they‘re able to be there for themselves. This is not to say that one will never feel exhausted or drained, what it means is that this won’t be a way of life for them. The candle is not being burned at both ends so to speak and one taking care of themselves. On one side then, one is aware of what they need and on the other, they’re making sure that they get what they need. Belief And while being connected to ones needs is one thing, it is also going to be important for one to believe that their needs are important. When one is comfortable with their needs, it is going to be a lot easier for them to fulfil them. This is also going to mean that one is in touch with their body and doesn’t live in their head. And as one feels comfortable with their needs, their outer reality is likely to reflect how they feel. Disconnected But while being connected to ones needs is a vital part of one’s ability to live a fulfilling life, this connection doesn’t always exist. Instead, ones needs could be a mystery or one might find that they’re aware of them at certain times. And if one is not in touch with their own needs, then there is the chance that other people’s needs have taken over. They could then come across as someone who is always there for others and their behaviour is likely to be applauded. Running On Empty But whether one ignores their needs by being there for others or just ignores their needs in general, they’re going to suffer. In some cases, one might not be getting what they need to survive, let alone thrive. This could mean that one doesn’t eat enough or that the food they do is not good for them, that they don’t get enough sleep or that they’re unaware of their need to rest. Perhaps ones appearance ends up being ignored or that one allows themselves to put up with behaviour that is dysfunctional, amongst other things. Two Factors Now, in order for one to be aware of their needs, they need to be connected to their body. It is through having this connection that one will know what their needs are. And then one will need to believe that their needs matter or else, they will still ignore them. As ones needs are an important part of who they are, it can be hard to comprehend why they would ignore them. It is clear that they are important and that one needs to pay attention to them. What’s Going On? The reason one is out of touch with their body and doesn’t believe their needs are important is likely to relate to what happened during their childhood. How ones caregivers responded to their needs is going to affect how one responds to their own needs. Childhood Years So during this time, ones caregivers would have ignored ones needs and one may have had to focus on their caregivers needs. This sets one up to believe that their needs are not important and that the needs of others are what matter. Having needs is then something to be ashamed of and therefore one is going to feel the need to hide their needs. But as their caregivers didn’t provide the attunement that they needed to form a connection to their needs in the first place, one is unlikely to be aware of all their needs. Trauma These experiences can cause one to be traumatised and a natural response to trauma is to leave the body. So while one may avoid pain by not being in their body, it also causes them to disconnect from their needs. Awareness Based on this, one may need to deal with the pain in their body so they can get back in their body and become aware of their needs. How one felt all those years ago may have remained in their body and this is stopping stop one from being able to feel comfortable with their needs. The assistance of a therapist or a healer may be required. If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article. Oliver J R Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk/ |
Oliver JR CooperAuthor of 26 books, Transformational Writer, Teacher & Consultant. Introductory Consultation
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Disclaimer
That which is contained within these articles is based on my own empirical understanding and is true for me at the time they were written. However, as I continue to grow, what I perceive as the truth will inevitably change and as a result of this - parts of these articles may not reflect my current outlook.
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