It is often said that one’s friends are the family they choose, and this is why someone can feel as close to their fiends as they can to their family. In some instances, the connection one has with their friends could be greater than the connection they have with their family.
When this happens, it could be a sign that one doesn’t have much of a connection with their family, and this can then cause them to see their friends in a different light. They are then not just fiends; they are far more important.
However, even if one is close to their family, they are still going to appreciate the people in their life who are their friends, and it might not matter whether they have known them for a matter of months or years. What is likely to matter is how they feel when they are around them.
This shows that one can form a connection with someone in a very short period of time. If each person was to reflect on why they feel a connection, they might start to think about a number of things.
There is also chance that as time passes, they will start to become aware of other reasons why they are close. This could then mean that what brought them together at one point in time is not necessarily the reason why they are friends at another.
When this happens, it could mean that the initial reason for them being brought together was just a way for them to connect. Their relationship has then gradually developed, and is then nothing like how it was in the beginning.
If one was to think about why they feel a connection to someone, it is partly going to come down to the fact that they feel comfortable around them. As a result of this, it will allow them to be themselves and they won’t feel the need to put on an act.
Another way of looking at this would be to say that one can express their true-self as opposed to having the need to create a false-self. This will then mean that one can express their truth, and this means the relationship is likely to be far more fulfilling than it would be if they were putting on an act.
It could then be said that one will feel as though they can trust the other person, and this is then going to allow them to open up. The reason they feel this way is going to be due to how the other person responds to their self-disclosure.
This is going to be something that allows them to develop a deeper connection to the other person, and the other person is also likely to open up in the same way. If this is something that doesn’t take place, it could mean that their relationship doesn’t have much depth.
When two people only talk about what they have achieved or how well they are doing, for instance, and they don’t talk about anything that could be classed as ‘negative’, there is the chance that their relationship won’t be as fulfilling. This is not to say that one needs to talk about their problems; what it comes down to is being vulnerable.
One is then going to come across as an authentic human being, and not as someone who other people can’t relate to. Having said that, if one is unable to be vulnerable and they spend their time around people who are the same, it won’t be a problem.
What this shows is that not all friendships are the same, and while this partly comes down to the fact that not everyone wants the same thing; it can also be a sign that not all friendships are healthy. But just because someone is in a relationship that isn’t healthy, it doesn’t mean they will realise this.
If this is what they are accustomed to, and they haven’t been exposed to friendships that are healthy; they are not going to know any different. In order for them to realise, it will be important for them to experience an internal shift.
However, one doesn’t need to experience an internal shift in order for their life to change, and this is because change is part of life. This means that while there is the chance that a friendship will develop, it might not.
On one hand, it could end up staying as it is, and on the other hand, it could end up coming to an end. If it ends up coming to an end, it could be because they have simply grown apart, but then again, this might not be the case.
Something may have happened that caused one to feel as though the other person has broken their trust. Or perhaps the other person has behaved in a way that goes against one’s values, for instance.
Alternatively, one may be the one who has broken the others persons trust, or they may have behaved in a way that caused the other person to pull away. There is also the chance that this is a two-way occurrence, and this means each person has played a part in what has taken place.
The reason their friendship has come to an end could then be because of a one-off occurrence, however, this might not be the complete truth. If they were to reflect on the past, they may find that it was just the straw that broke the camel’s back, so to speak.
Upon reflection, they may find that there were other instances what were similar, and the reason they have only just realised this is because they overlooked what was taking place. As a result of what has happened recently, it is now possible for them to accept how things have been.
Weighing Up the Pros and Cons
If one wants to rekindle a friendship, it will be important for them to take the time to think about why they want to do this. One may be experiencing a sense of loneliness, for instance, and this could cause them to reach out to someone who is not right for them.
However, there is also the chance that one can see that the friendship ended unnecessarily, and that it would be in their best interests to reach out to the other person. In this case, it could be a sign that it wasn’t possible for one to think clearly, and now that they have settled down, they are able to see things differently.
If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article.
Oliver JR Cooper
If one was to think about someone who is emotionally strong, they may start to think about someone who always comes across as though are unaffected by their emotions. This can then mean that they will picture someone who is rarely, if ever, angry or sad, for example.
Alternatively, they may think about someone who experiences emotions from both sides of the spectrum. But while they experience them, they don’t end up defining their life, and this is because they are able to acknowledge how they feel on one side and to carry on with their life on the other.
It could be said that it is normal for one to believe that people who are emotionally strong come across as though they are unaffected by life, and this is partly because of how they are often portrayed in the media. However, when someone behaves in this way, it could be a sign that they are emotionally disconnected.
In this case, it shows that the reason they come across as though they are unaffected by life could be because they are out of touch with their emotions. And if one is out of touch with how they feel, it is going to be normal for them to come across as though they are ‘strong’.
Gaining One Thing, Losing Another
Through being disconnected from how they feel, there is not going to be much chance of them coming across as though they lack self-control. Yet, what it is likely to mean is that they are going to experience other problems.
If they are out of touch with how they feel, they are also going to be out of touch with the feedback that their emotions provide. This could then mean that their life is more challenging than it needs to be, and they might also find it hard to connect with others.
It is through one being in touch with their own emotions that it is possible for them to tune into how another person is feeling. Another way of looking at this is to say that in order for one to empathise with others, they need to be able to empathise with themselves.
The connection they have with themselves will then allow them to connect in the same way with others. It is often said some that people who are successful in the business world are not as successful when it comes to relationships, and this can be a sign that they are out of touch with their emotions.
Clearly the business world is now changing, but in the past it was normal for someone in a high position to lack emotional awareness. And while this would have allowed them to gradually climb up the ladder, so to speak, it might not have lead to the same success when it came to their relationships.
In fact, they may have been in a position where it wasn’t possible for them to experience real intimacy. So even though they may have been extremely successful when it came to their career, it could have been a completely different story when it came to their relationships.
When it is possible for someone to embrace both sides of their emotional spectrum without losing their self-control, it could be said that they have the ability to contain their emotions. In this case, they can acknowledge how they feel, and while they can embrace how they feel, it doesn’t mean they will lose their self-awareness in the process.
One way of looking at this would be to say that they can respond to their emotions in the same way that a loving mother would respond to her emotional baby. The conscious part of them can embrace how they feel, and if they need to cry, they can cry, and if they are angry, they can find out they feel this way, for instance.
If one can’t contain how they feel and they are not disconnected from what is taking place within them, they can come across as though they have no emotional control. This can be a sign that they don’t have the ability to contain their emotional experience, and as a result of this, it is going to be normal for them to feel like an emotional baby who has been abandoned.
The part of them that will allow them to experience anger without harming themselves or another person, or to cry without feeling as though they will be overwhelmed, for instance, has not been developed. Therefore, emotions are not just going to be seen as something that one experiences; they are going to be seen as things that one has no control over.
If one is in this position, they are going to want to experience life differently, and this could mean that they try to develop their mind. They may start to think differently and to work on for their breathing, for instance.
Another approach would be for them to look at how they respond to certain emotions, and then to change these responses. After developing their mind and changing their behaviour, they may find that they start to experience emotional strength.
However, one may try this approach and find that it doesn’t work, and this can be a sign that they also need to work on their emotional body. The mind is often seen as the most important area, and this can cause one to go down the wrong path, so too speak.
When one can’t contain their emotions, it can be a sign that their emotions were not acknowledged whilst they were growing up. As a result of this, it wasn’t possible for them to develop this part of themselves, and even though the mind is seen as the most important area, it is something that develops after the emotional body.
This is why it is said that emotional development has an effect on one’s intellectually development. So when one doesn’t receive the attunement that they needed, not only will they not have the ability to contain (or regulate) their emotions, there can also carry a lot of emotional pain.
The emotions they experience in their day-to-day life can then be influenced by the emotional pain that has build-up throughout their life. It is then easy to see why one would find it hard to handle their
When it comes to developing one’s emotional strength, it will be important for them to release the emotions that have built-up within them, and to receive the attunement that they didn’t receive all those years ago. This is something that can take place with the assistance of a therapist and/or a support group.
As this is unlikely to be something that happens overnight, it will be important for one to be persistent and patient.
If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article.
Oliver JR Cooper
While there are plenty of things that separate human beings, they are also plenty of things that bring them together. For instance, no matter what someone’s gender is or where they are from on this planet, they are still part of the human race.
There are of course many other ways in which they can be differentiated, but this doesn’t alter the fact that they are still human. However, although this is something that is clear to see if one was to step back from all the ways in which they can separate themselves from others; it can be easy to get caught up in what makes other people different.
The Mind and the Heart
It is often said that the mind sees everything as being separate, whereas, the heart doesn’t operate in the same way. Therefore, if one’s point of focus is their mind, it is not going to be possible for them to experience life differently.
Yet, if one was to bring their awareness into their heart, they would see that there is another way to experience life. This doesn’t mean the mind will be able to realise that the sense of separation that is experiences doesn’t match up with the true nature of reality.
There is likely to be resistance, and this is why it is important for one to be aware of how the mind works. Through this, it will allow them to use their mind on one hand, but not to be defined by it on the other hand.
This is similar to how there are certain tools for certain jobs, and how one wouldn’t use a hammer to cut a piece of wood. When one is aware of what they need, they can use the right tool for the job.
If they didn’t have this awareness, they could end up using the wrong tool, and this could cause them to get stuck. And when one is not stuck in their mind and they are able to detach from it, it will give them the chance to experience life from their heart.
There are going to be people who find that this is how they experience life, and then there are going to be others who don’t. It could be said that it is normal for someone to live in their head in today’s world.
If one was to get into their body and to connect with their heart, it could be painful. In this case, it can be a sign that they need to work through the pain that is within them.
In today’s world, it is not uncommon for someone to have an emotional build-up, and this is because emotions are generally overlooked. Instead of them being seeing as something one needs to acknowledge, they are often seen as something that one needs to avoid.
One way would be for one to work through the ‘negative’ emotions that they experience, and this would allow them to be a whole human being. When this doesn’t happen and they disconnect from how they feel, it is going to be challenge for them to operate as a whole human being.
There are many reasons why one would experience emotional pain, and one reason is because they have experienced loss. As a result of this, they are likely to end up experiencing grief.
How much of an impact the loss has on them is not only going to depend on what they have lost, it is also going to be depend on the kind of connection they had with what they have lost. For instance, if a family member was to pass on, one could end up experiencing a lot of grief.
However, if they were not close to the family member, this might not be the case. Losing a pet could be something that causes one person to be overwhelmed with grief, and yet it might not have the same effect on someone else.
What this shows is that there is not one way to respond; each and every one of us is unique, and it is important for on to realise this. Through having this understanding, it can stop them from thinking that they are responding in the wrong way.
After experiencing loss, it might take years until one is back on track, and then for someone else, it might not take as long. This is also not a linear process, and this means there will be up’s and downs.
When one is grieving, it will be important for them to have the right support round them; this is not something that one can do by themselves. Being around people who will allow one to go with how they feel will be vital, and their presence will also play an important part in one finding meaning once more.
During this time, the grief will need to be mourned, and this is something that can take place through crying out the pain. This shows that it will be a time of surrender as opposed to a time where one will use force.
However, although one will need to be around people who allow them to embrace their grief, they can end up coming across people who tell them to ‘move on’ or to ‘get over it’, among other things. As a result of this, one can feel ashamed of how they feel, and they can then end up disconnecting from what is taking place within them.
Their grief will then up staying trapped in their chest, and they can end up creating a false-self in the process. In the short-term, one might feel better, but as time passes, they can end up feeling numb, and they could also experience other symptoms.
Why Is This?
When someone does this, it doesn’t necessarily mean that they have ‘bad’ intentions; what it can mean is that they are trying to avoid their own grief. Through seeing someone who is experiencing grief, it might remind them of what they have disconnected from, and they might not even be aware of this.
It is then going to be important for them to do everything they can to change someone who is grieving; if they don’t, they might soon come face-to-face with how they really feel on the inside. What this shows is that they want one to create a false-self so that they don’t have to face their true-self.
Grief is not something that one can ‘get over’; it is something that they have to work through. If one spends their time around someone who doesn’t understand this, and who encourages them to ignore what is taking place within them, it can stop them from being able to heal themselves.
In this case, it might be best for one to limit the amount of time they spend with them. One can also be supported during this time by a therapist and/or some kind of support group.
If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article.
Oliver JR Cooper
Relationships: Has Internet Dating Caused Some People To Believe That They Can Find The ‘Perfect’ Partner?
In today’s word, one no longer needs to be around people in order to find someone to be in a relationship with, and this is because of the internet. The internet has changed the world in more ways than one, and one of the ways it has changed the world is through allowing people to find a partner online.
As a result of this, they no longer need to direct a large part of their time and energy into finding someone. They can carry on with the rest of their life, and during the moments where they have nothing to do (or even when they are already doing something), they can go online.
On one side, there will be the amount of time and energy they save by not going out, and on the other side, there will be the amount of money they save. Although they may have to pay a monthly fee to be part of a dating site, it is likely to be a set price
If they were going out on a regular basis to find someone, they are unlikely to spend a set amount of money each month. Part of the money they usually spend can then be saved or used for something else.
Going On Dates
Whilst they will still spend money when they go out a date with someone who meets their criteria, they are more likely to spend a set amount of money. For instance, once they have decided where they are going to meet; they might stay there for the whole time.
Whereas, if one was looking for someone in the ‘real world’, they could end up going to a number of different places. And along with the drinks they buy, they could also end up paying to get into a number of different venues.
Buying a Car
For example, if one was to buy a car, they could end up trying out a number of different ones before they find the one that meets their needs. This will take a certain amount of time and energy, and they will also need to get to each garage.
Now, if they were able to experience what a car was like without getting into it, their life would be a lot easier. The trouble is, this is not possible, and one has to try every car until they find the right one.
The Other Side
Although it internet dating can be more economical, there is also the chance that it can cause one to use just as much time, energy and money as they did before. What this comes down to is that even though one can find someone who matches up with their criteria; it doesn’t mean they will match up with them when they meet.
One can then end up going on date after date without meeting someone who they actually connect with. This can partly come down to the fact what someone shares online doesn’t always match up with who they really are.
The Emotional Cost
It also shows that just because one finds someone who is ‘right’ for them, it doesn’t mean that they will be attracted to them. For example, it is not uncommon for one to be attracted to someone who is not good for them.
When one meets people in the real world who appear to meet their requirements and then they soon find out that this is not the case, it can end up being frustrating. And if this happens on a regular basis, it can end up causing them to feel hopeless.
The same thing can also happen if one continues to meet people from the internet who don’t match up with what they are looking for. But if they have so many people to choose from online, they can believe that it will only be a matter of time before they find the ‘perfect’ partner.
This process can be similar to buying an item of clothing online, and as there are so many to choose from, why should one settle for anything? Having high standards is one thing, but it is another thing altogether to have standards that don’t match up with reality.
Maximising Pleasure and Minimizing Pain
Through looking for people online as opposed to meeting people in person, it can set one up to view people in the same way as they would view an object. The object is there to make them feel good, and as soon as this starts to change, it will be time for them to find another object.
A relationship can then no longer be seen as something that will have moments where one feels good and moments where they don’t; it can be seen as something that will make them feel good all the time. This is not to say that one should put up with someone who is abusive; what it means is that real relationships have challenges
The Sun Doesn’t Always Shine
Just as there are times when it rains, there are also moments in relationships that are not as one would like them to be. However, it is through working through these moments that allow people to feel closer to each other, and to grow as human beings.
Another way of looking at this is to say that relationships play a big role in allowing one to heal themselves, and so if one is looking for a ‘perfect’ relationship, they are not going to allow this process to occur. What they can end up doing looking for is someone who will stop them from having to face the parts of themselves that they don’t want to face.
If one does find someone they like and they start to experience conflict, they can believe that there is someone out there who is better. There is then going to be no reason for them to stay with them and to delay gratification, and this is because they will believe that the ‘grass is always greener’.
This is likely to be something they believe though seeing so many profiles online. But no matter who they go with, they are still going to end up experiencing some kind of discomfort, and this is because perfection is an illusion.
Pleasure and pain are part of life, and the more one tries to avoid pain, the more chance they have of experiencing it. When one is looking for ‘perfection’ in others, it can be a sign that they are running away from themselves.
In this case, being with someone who doesn’t match up with the illusion in their minds is going to cause them to get in touch with all that they are trying to run away from. Another approach would be for one to be comfortable with themselves, as this takes place; they will no longer look for someone who is ‘perfect’.
When it comes to accepting oneself as they are, it is likely to be a time where one will be letting go of what is stopping this from taking place. This is something that can occur through working with a therapist and/or a support group, along with reading books on self-development and applying what one learns.
Oliver JR Cooper
There are people in the world who are not only able to give, they are also able to receive, and as a result of this, they are not going to be accustomed to running on empty. On the other hand, there are people who going to be used to running on empty, and this is because they are unable to receive.
It then won’t matter how much they give, and their life is likely to be harder than it needs to be. This is not to say other people will realise this though, as they might see them as model human beings.
When someone is seen as being a ‘selfless’, they are likely to be seen as living life in the right way. In this case, they are putting their needs to one side and they are focusing on the needs of others.
Now, if one was so consumed by their own needs that they were unable to be there for others, it is likely to be a sign that they are out of balance. That is unless they are going through a challenging period in their life, and this is stopping them from being able to be there for others.
For example, if one has lost someone they were close, they are not going to have as much energy as they usually do. And along with this, the pain of losing someone can cause them to retract from life.
The energy they do have will be used to take care of their own needs during this time. However, this is not going to be something that will last forever, and as time passes, it will be easier for them to be there for others.
However, although being there for others is seen as being better than being completely focused on one’s own needs, they are both going to lead to problems. The ideal will be for one to be there for themselves and to be there for others.
If one can’t truly be there for themselves, it is not going to be possible for them to truly be there for others. Their reason for being there for others is likely to be the result of their need for approval.
Therefore, they are not going to be there for others because they are ‘selfless’, they are going to be there to fulfil their own needs. But although their need for approval will end up being fulfilled, they are going to be neglecting their other needs.
Pleasing others could be what feels safe, and this means the reason they are not taking care of their other needs is because it could put their survival at risk. This is not to say that their life would end if they did put their needs first, but this can be how they see life at a deeper level.
When one is always there for others and neglects themselves, they can feel as though they have no control, and it can then be normal for them to feel like a victim. They may believe that the only way for their life to change is if the people around they were to change.
Part of them may feel as though they need other people’s permission in order to take care of their needs. Therefore, doing everything they can to please others may be a way for them to earn their permission; but while this could be their intention, the people around them are unlikely to realise this.
If one was to stop to focusing on what is taking place around them and started to place their attention on what is taking place within them, they may start to understand why they are experiencing life in this way. Having needs could be something that causes them to feel ashamed.
On one side, they have needs and they want them to be met, but on the other side, they feel the need to hide them. Revealing their needs to others is then going to be something that causes them to feel overwhelmed, and they can also believe that other people would abandon them if they were to realise that they have needs.
If this is the case, it could be a sign that their childhood was a time where they had to meet the caregiver’s needs. Their needs would then have been overlooked, and one would have ended up playing a role that their caregivers should have played.
Through these experiences, one would have learned that it is not acceptable for them to have needs. In this case, it will be important for them to change their beliefs and to work through the emotional pain that is within them.
While the reason one stops themselves from receiving could be because they are ashamed of their needs, it could be due to something else. Their early childhood years could have been a time where their body ended up being overwhelmed.
Through experiencing some kind of trauma (and this could have been the result of some kind of abuse), their body may have end up shutting down. This would have been way for them to protect themselves, and therefore, to ensure their survival.
Time Goes By
One’s body can then remain in this state, and it is then not going to be possible for them to let anything in. It then won’t matter how many years pass, and this is because their body is going to be responding to life in the same way.
To allow anything in will be seen as something that will compromise their very survival. As a result of this, the only way for them to survive will be to stop anything from getting too close to them. But while this allowed them to survive during their early years, it is going to cause them to suffer as an adult.
If this is how one is experiencing life, it will be important for them to reach out for support. This is something that can be provided by a therapist and/or a support group.
Oliver JR Cooper
In the past, a gym membership was not something that many people had, and while this was partly because of the cost, it was also due to the fact that there wasn’t as much pressure on people to exercise. This is not to say that people have only recently been encouraged to exercise; what it comes down to is that there is now a greater focus on how people look.
During this time, it wouldn’t be much of a surprise to see a man use weights, but the same can’t be said about a woman. If they were using weights, it could have been a sign that they were some kind of athlete, for instance.
Nowadays, it is not going to be much of a surprise to see a woman using weights, and this is because it is has become so common. Through using weights, it will allow a woman to change the shape of her body or to simply tone up.
They may even want to develop a muscular physique, and in this case, they are going to come into contact with men who have the same intention. Yet, even though they can develop this kind of physique, it doesn’t mean they are going to be labelled in a negative way.
What this means is that a woman no longer needs to have muscles that are undeveloped in order to be seen as a woman. She can lift weights and have a strong body, and not have to worry about losing her femininity in the process.
Whereas, a short while ago, women were often reluctant to lift weights, and this is because they didn’t want to ‘look like a man’. There was also the fear that if they used weights, their chest would also turn to muscle.
This outer change has also been a reflection of the inner changes that each gender has been going through and how there is often less pressure on them to act or to look a certain way.
Therefore, just because a man doesn’t have muscular physique, it doesn’t mean he is not a man, and when a woman does, it doesn’t mean she is no longer a woman. And along with this, it is also easier for men to show their sensitive side and for women to express their inner strength.
As a result of this, men and women have greater freedom to be themselves as opposed to having the need to play a certain role. They can express their true-self, and the more people do this, the easier it will be for people to be authentic.
However, this is clearly a process and not something that happens overnight. But based on how the world has changed in a short period of time, it shows that important changes have already occurred.
The Need to Belong
There was a time where one could look at the people who exercised without feeling too much pressure, and this is partly because not as many people used to exercise. This has now changed though.
Therefore, if one doesn’t exercise, they can end up feeling the need to start exercising in order to belong. What this shows is how much of an influence one’s society has on them, and not only can they experience this pressure when they go out, they can also experience this pressure when they go online.
When one goes on social media, for instance, there is a strong chance that they will be exposed to not only pictures of people, but also videos of them. And what appears on their news feed can have an effect on the kind of person they are and who they will become.
In this sense, they will not only be conditioned when they go out into the world, they will also be conditioned when they go online. For example, if one sees that their friends have a certain look; they can then end up having the need to have the same look in order to be accepted.
Having said that, this can all depend on one's sense of self and if they are in a position where they are able to accept themselves as they are. In this case, there will be less chance of them getting caught up in what other people do.
With that aside, when one exercise, they are likely to feel more confident about themselves. On one side, this can occur through being healthier and having the kind of the body that one wants, and on the other side, this can also be the result of one receiving positive feedback from others.
Once one has been exercising for a certain period of time or once they have been able to develop the kind of body they want, they can end up criticising people who don’t exercise. However, even if someone does exercise, they can end up putting them down because they don’t look a certain way.
What this will show is it that they believe that everyone should have the same kind of body, and if they don’t, they are then seen as being inferior. This can also be a sign that it is not possible for them to accept people as they are.
Different On Outside, Same on The Inside
When this happens and one has been able to develop the kind of body they want (or even if they are just trying to develop the kind of body they want), it could mean that they are carrying toxic shame, and this is going to cause them to feel worthless. This could have been the primary reason why they wanted to exercise in the beginning.
Time has then passed and they look different on the outside, but they can still feel the same on the inside. When they see someone who has a body that doesn’t match up with the idea they have of how a body should look, it can remind them of how they used to look.
Through disconnecting from their toxic shame, they can then direct it outwards, and this will cause them to shame others. When one disconnects from their toxic shame, they can also disconnect from their healthy shame and the rest of their emotions.
It is then going to be a challenge for them to empathise with others, and it will be normal for them to see themselves as superior. Healthy shame is something that allows one to realise they are neither better nor worse than others.
What this shows is that if one feels as though they are worthless, they are not necessarily going to change how they feel by changing how they look. The only thing this may do is cover up how they feel and cause them to direct their pain onto others.
Another approach will be for one to work through how they feel, and this can take place with the assistance of a therapist and/or a support group. It takes inner strength to push one’s body to the limit, and the same can be said when it comes to facing one’s emotional pain.
Oliver JR Cooper
When someone is in touch with their true-self, it is likely to mean that they are in touch with their true needs and feelings, among others things. These inner aspects will then go onto shape their behaviour, and the idea people have of them can then match up with who they are.
However, this can all depend on how close one is to someone, and this is because it is human nature to project onto others. Therefore, the closer one is to someone, the greater chance the other person has of coming into contact with one’s true-self.
Although one’s life will be an expression of their true-self, it doesn’t mean they will express their true-self in each moment of their life. This might sound like a contradiction, but what it comes down to is that it won’t always be possible for one to express their true-self in each moment.
For example, there can be times when it won’t be appropriate for their behaviour to be influenced by how they feel, and this could be because they are in a business environment. It could also be a sign that they are in a situation where they don’t feel safe, and it might then be important for them to act in a way that will ensure their safety.
It Can Change
What one sees as their true-self at one point in time can change at another point in time, and this comes down to the fact that it is not something that is set in stone. For instance, if one was to have children, there is a strong chance that their priorities would change, and this would then mean that their needs would also change.
Yet, without one even needing to have children, their needs can change as they grow as a human being. But even if one doesn’t make an effort to grow and to develop themselves, their values can end up changing as a result of the changes they experience at different periods of their life.
In this case, it doesn’t matter whether one is someone who wants to grow or whether they are someone who sits back and goes with the flow of life; the results will still be the same. This is not to say that one won’t try to hold onto the person that they once were though.
When this happens, they are going to end up identifying with what could now be classed as their ‘false-self’. This could be because they received a certain amount of approval for expressing themselves in this way, and this could then make it harder for them to let go of the person they used to be.
An Authentic Human
When one is not only in touch with their true-self, but also expresses this part of themselves, it is going to allow them to be an authentic human being. And the only way for them to be authentic is for them to be in tune with themselves; there is no other way this can take place.
Another way of looking at this would be to say that it’s like one writing something down and not only reading it out in their head, but also reading it out to others. And when they read it out, the people around them will believe that they are the ones who have written it.
The false-self is then the equivalent of one not only writing down what someone else wants them to write and then reading it out in their head, but also reading these words out to others. And when they read it out, the people around them will also believe that they are the ones who have written it.
When it comes to everyday life, people can come to believe that how someone comes across is who they are, and this is something one can also believe. As a result of this, not only can other people be deceived, one can also deceive themselves
There are at least two reasons why one would be out of touch with their true true-self, and the first one is because of what their childhood was like and the second one is because of the society they live in. Through being made into the person their caregivers and the people around them wanted them to be and through being conditioned by their society, one can end up being disconnected from themselves.
There is another factor that can also cause one to develop a false-self, and one doesn’t even need to be around others for this to take place. The only thing they need to do is to use social media on their smart phone or on their computer.
Even if one is in touch with who they are, this can soon change after they have used social media for a certain period of time. Therefore, just as one can create image that doesn’t match up with who they are in the real world; they can also create an image that doesn’t match up with who they are when they are online.
Now, if the image that one presents in the real world matches up with who they are, they might not have the need to create a false-self online, and when the image they present online matches up with who they are, they won’t need to create a false-self either. Yet, out of one’s need to gain approval from others, they can end up creating an image that doesn’t match up with who they are.
It won’t just stop there though, and this is because one can also feel the need to maintain this image in the real world. But while it is relatively easy to maintain a false image online, it is a lot harder to maintain this image in the real world.
On one side, this image will allow one to receive a certain amount of approval, and on the other side, it can also set them up to not only be disconnected from themselves, they can also feel disconnected from others. This is because other people are not going to know who they really are; they are only going to know about the false–self that they have created.
It could be said that the reason one would end up creating a false-self on social media is because they were already out of touch with themselves, and this could be the case. However, there is also the chance that one was going through a challenging time in their life, and this then set them up to lose touch with themselves.
If one is in touch with their true-self, it could be said that they are going to be less likely to create an image on social media that doesn’t match up with who they are. Through being in touch with themselves and accepting who they are, they won’t need to receive approval from their ‘friends’.
Therefore, if one is out of touch with themselves, or if they just need approval from others, it may be important for them to limit the amount of time they spend media. During this time, they can start to develop themselves, and this can take place with the assistance of a therapist.
Oliver JR Cooper
While there are people who appear to always be confident, there are also people who appear to always lack confidence. In this case, it would be easy to come to the conclusion that some people are more resourceful than others.
However, although this is how they come across, it is unlikely that this is how they always experience life. Just because one is known as someone who is confident, it doesn’t mean that they don’t have moments when they don’t feel this way.
And when it comes to the person who is known as someone who is not confident, there is also the chance that they will have moments when they are confident. It could just be that they are so caught up in the moments when they are not, that it is not possible for them to realise this.
Nevertheless, even though someone can come across as confident, it doesn’t mean that they value themselves, and this is because confidence can be something that one experiences through pleasing others. Through behaving n a certain way and/or creating a certain image, one can end up feeling confident.
The feedback that they receive could cause them to gradually internalise what they hear, but this might not happen. As a result of this, it will be important for them to be around people who continue to give them positive feedback.
A Different Experience
What this show is that although someone can appear to always be confident, this might soon change if it wasn’t for the feedback they received from others. At a deeper level, they might not value themselves, and this means that the image they present to others is nothing more than an illusion.
It will then be important for them to hide who they really are, and this is something that will occur through projecting a certain image to others. Through this, it will be possible for them to receive the kind of feedback that will allow them to feel confident.
Alternately, when one accepts themselves as they are, it is not going to be as important for other people to accept them. The image they project will be a reflection of who they are as opposed to who others want them to be.
This doesn’t mean that they will always be confident; what it is likely to mean is that they won’t feel the need to always have it together. They will be coming from a place of authenticity.
They might realise that it is not possible for everyone to accept them, and they might believe that unconditional acceptance is something that they could only experience during their childhood. Therefore, if one accepts themselves as they are, it could be a sign that they their childhood was a time where they were loved for who they were.
However, this might not be the case, and this could mean that one has had to re-parent themselves as an adult. Their adult’s years have then been a time where they have had to heal their inner-child, and to give themselves what their caregivers were unable to give them.
Through being in touch with their true-self and accepting themselves as they are, it will be easier for them to feel good about themselves. As a result of this, it can then be normal for them to feel confident.
Yet, when they do feel confident, they are less likely to come across as arrogant, and this is because they are in their body. Through being in their body, they are going to be in touch with their shame, and this will play a vital role in them being able to stay grounded.
This will allow one to remain in touch with their humanity, and to see that they are neither less-than others nor more-than others. There may be times when they lose touch with their shame, but this is more likely to be the exception as opposed to the rule.
In this case, it will mean that their shame is on their side; but when one carries toxic shame, it can cause them to disconnect from their shame. Or if this doesn’t take place, it can cause one to end up feeling completely worthless.
Therefore, if one doesn’t have any confidence, it can be a sign that they are carrying toxic shame. One approach can then be for them to disconnect from how they feel, and this can then cause them to come across as shameless.
Through being out of touch with their own humanity, it will be normal for them to come across as arrogant. What this shows is that they have gone from one extreme to another.
Why Is This?
Another way of looking at this would be to say that they have ended up creating a false-self, and even though they come across as though they are full of confidence, this is nothing more than a cover up. If they were to get in touch with their true feelings once more, they are likely to revert to how they were before.
When one goes from having no confidence to being arrogant, it is likely to be a sign that the feedback they receive from others has changed in some way. One may have been elevated to a certain position, changed their appearance and/or achieved some kind of success, for instance, and this has then enabled them to disconnect from their true feelings.
However, even though they would have started to feel better about themselves, they would still have had feelings that caused them to feel bad about themselves. This would have meant that they gradually pushed these feelings out of their awareness and become caught up with the feelings that allowed them to feel good.
While this would have seemed like the best thing to do, it would have set them up to disconnect from not only their toxic shame, but also their healthy shame. Another approach would have been for them to embrace their ‘negative’ feelings and to work through them, and through doing this; it would have allowed them to stay in touch with their true-self.
When it comes to one accepting themselves as they are, it will be important for them to let go of what has built-up within them. This is because one’s inherent worth is not something that can be experienced through attaining things; it is something that will be experienced through letting go.
The assistance of a therapist and/or a support group can provide the support that one needs to work through their toxic shame, and anything else that they need to work on.
Oliver JR Cooper
Having needs is part of being human, and while the ideal might be to always have them met, this is not how life works. There will be times when it is not going to be possible for one to have their needs met.
During these moments, one will have to tolerate frustration, and while it may only be a matter of time before their needs are met, it may be a sign that they need to try a different approach. For instance, one may look towards others to fulfil the kind of needs that only they can meet.
On one side, there is what could be described as unmet childhood needs, and on the other side, there is what could be described as adult needs. This is not to say that they are completely separate though, as one’s adult needs can be effect by their unmet childhood needs.
As an adult, it is going to be normal for one to have the need to be appreciated by others, for instance. But if this need wasn’t met during their childhood years, it might not matter how much people appreciate them.
This is because unmet childhood needs are like black holes, and so it won’t be possible for other adults to fulfil this need or any other unmet childhood need. When it comes to these needs, one will need process the pain that they experienced through not getting them met.
One way this can take place is through crying out the pain that is within them, and along with this, it might also be important for them to be around people who will affirm them. This then means that this can be a process of letting go of the pain and receiving the positive regard that they missed out on all those years ago.
When one feels ‘needy’ or if they come across someone else who is, this could be a sign that they have unmet childhood needs to mourn. They could then be in a position where they are able to receive, but no matter how much they receive, it is never enough.
Having said that, one could also be in a position where it is not possible for them to receive, and because they can’t receive, they end up feeling needy. If this is how one experiences life, it could also be a sign that it wasn’t safe for them to have their needs met during their childhood.
Their needs would then have been overlooked, and one may have ended up looking after their caregivers needs instead. One can then grow up to feel ashamed of their needs, and it is then going to be normal for them to cover them up.
One thing that this can then cause them to do is to become a ‘caretaker’, and to meet other people’s needs as a way for other people to meet theirs. As a result of this, one can come across as selfless; but this is nothing more than a false-self they have developed in order to survive.
It is then going to be important for them to maintain this image at all times, and this is because if people were aware of their needs, it would cause them to experience shame. And while there may be times when this allows them to get their needs met, it is unlikely to be something that happens very often.
But even though they want to have their needs met, they are unlikely to feel as though it is safe for them to have them met. The only thing that may feel safe is for them to hide their own needs and carry on being there for others.
Therefore, as there can be one’s adult needs and the needs that were not met during their childhood years, it can be easy to see why relationships can end up being so emotionally charged.
For example, one could feel as though someone else wasn’t there for them in some way, and this could cause them to have a strong emotional reaction. Or they could be with someone who feels as though they were not there for them, and they could end up having a strong emotional reaction.
When this takes place and one feels as though someone else has let them down in some way, they can end up coming across aggressively. In this case, it is likely to show that they are out of touch with how they feel as a deeper level.
It could also be said that they are acting as though they are entitled to having what they want, and as one is an adult, it is going to mean that the other person doesn’t owe them anything. The reason the other person is there is likely to be through choice, and not because they have to be there.
As a result of this, one will have regressed to a wounded child, and it is not going to be possible for them to see that the other person is a separate individual. A more conscious approach would be for them to get in touch with how they feel as opposed to losing control.
And while this kind of behaviour may cause the other person do what they want out of fear, it may also cause them to pull away. If the other person respects themselves and this is something that happens on a regular basis, it could cause them to walk away.
Through experiencing aggression, it will allow one to feel a sense of power, and this means they won’t have to face how they feel at a deeper level. If they were to contain their aggression instead of directing it outwards, they may find that they start to experience toxic shame.
When they feel this, it is not going to be possible for them to feel strong, and this is because it will cause them to collapse. In this sense, they can believe that they can become aggressive and rise up, or they can get in touch with their toxic shame and fall down.
The toxic shame that they experience may have been caused by what took place during their childhood years, and this could be a sign that they were neglected and/or abused. If this is the case, their aggressive behaviour could be fuelled by the rage that they experienced through not getting their needs met during these early years.
It is then going to be important for them to work through the pain that is within them. This is something that can take place with the assistance of a therapist and/or a support group.
Oliver JR Cooper
There are many questions that someone can have throughout their life, and one thing that they can think about is what the meaning of life is. This could be something they think about from time to time, or it could be something that ends up consuming their whole existence.
The mind likes to ask questions, and once one question has been answered, it is likely to come up with another. But while some questions can be answered relatively quickly, there are others that can take a while to be answered.
However, even if one does receive an answer to a question, it doesn’t mean they will stop asking the same question. For instance, they might hear an answer and it might not have much of an effect on them.
There may be people around them who are convinced that it is the right answer, but that might not mean anything to them. Part of them may feel as though it is not the answer that they are looking for.
This could then cause them to put the question to one side and to carry on with the rest of their life. And from time to time, they might start to wonder what the answer to their question is.
There may come a point in time where they start to look for the answer again, and this means that they may end up finding what they are looking for. Yet, the search could go on and on, and one may wonder when they will find the answer.
Alternatively, one might not be able to put the question to one side, and this could mean that they continue to look for an answer. In this case, it won’t matter if an answer doesn’t feel right, as they won’t just give up.
Therefore, no matter what happens or how long it takes, they will continue to look for the answer. If they don’t find what they are looking for after a certain period of time, it might encourage them to look within themselves, and to come to their own conclusion.
A Bit of Both
When this happens, one can listen to what other people have to say, and they can then take the time to reflect on what they have heard. Through taking this approach, other people will provide them with food for thought; but that’s as far as it will go.
If one was a clone as opposed to an individual, it wouldn’t matter what they did. But as they are an individual, it is only natural for them to want to come to their own conclusion when it comes to what the answer is.
The Meaning of Life
When it comes to what the meaning of life is, there are many answers out there, and while some of these are well-known, there are others that are not. One may come across people who say that the meaning of life is to be happy and to make other people happy.
They may also hear that it is all about finding one’s purpose, and then to make the world a better place once they have found it. Another view can be that life has no meaning other than the meaning one gives it.
It could be said that if one wants to know what the meaning of life is, it’s because they feel as though their life has no meaning. As a result of this, they are likely to wonder why they are here, and this can then cause them to suffer.
When one is living a life of meaning and they are engaged with life, they are unlikely to wonder what the meaning of life is. If this was something that crossed their mind or if someone else was to ask them, they are going to have an answer.
A Closer Look
While one could look outside for meaning, they are unlikely to get very far, and this is because the meaning they will see will relate to what other people have created. Now, this doesn’t mean that one can’t be inspired but what other people do, but what it does mean is that one can’t do the same thing.
For instance, if one was to draw a picture of a tree, they would need to look at trees or images of tress. However, in order for them to create something that is unique, they will need to bring forth what is within them.
Therefore, in order for one to find meaning in life, they will need to be in touch with their own needs and feelings. And this is something that will take place through being in touch with their body.
During this time, it won’t matter what is going on in their mind, and this is because their mind won’t have a purpose. The answer to their question will be found in their body and not their mind.
Therefore, if one is out of touch with their body and doesn’t know how they feel or what they need, it is going to be normal for them to wonder what the meaning of life is. In this case, they are going to be stuck in their head, and it will then be normal for them to see themselves as an observer of life.
The way for them to see themselves as part of life and to engage with it, will be for them to get back into their body. Unless they do this, it will be a challenge for them to find true meaning.
This is similar to one standing near to a swimming pool and asking someone what it is like. They are might end up being told that the only way for them to find out is to get into the pool.
One will need to get into their body to find out what the meaning of life is. All the time they are living on the surface of themselves, it is not going to be possible for them to find out.
How Did This Happen?
When one is disconnected from their body, there is likely to be a reason, and while this could relate to what has happened in their adult years, it could go back to their childhood. One of the primary reasons why one would disconnect from their body is because they have experienced trauma.
Being in their body is going to be too painful, and if this was something they experienced during their childhood, they may have always wondered what the meaning of life is. During these years, one may have been neglected and/or abused in some way.
If this is something one can relate to, it will be important for them to reach out for the right support, and this is something that can come from a therapist and/or a support group. Through this support, one will gradually be able to get back into their body.
Oliver JR Cooper
Oliver JR Cooper
Teacher, Author, Transformational Writer & Consultant - With Over 2,000,000 Article Views Online.
That which is contained within these articles is based on my own empirical understanding and is true for me at the time they were written. However, as I continue to grow, what I perceive as the truth will inevitably change and as a result of this - parts of these articles may not reflect my current outlook.
A Dialogue With The Heart - Part One
A Dialogue With The Heart - Part Two
A Dialogue With The Spirit
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