If someone is into self-development, they may have the need to be happy all the time. However, even if this is not something they are into, they may still have the same need.
In this case, they may believe that this is the how they are supposed to experience life, and through having this outlook, they have been drawn to self-development. This could be seen as something that will allow them to fulfil this need.
When one is happy, they are going to feel good, and as a result of this, it is going to be easier for them to enjoy life. Therefore, it could be seen as normal for one to have the desire to always experience life in this way.
They may find that when they are happy, they act in ways that are productive, whereas, when they are unhappy, they may act in ways that are not. This will mean that not only does their state of mind change, their behaviour also changes.
During the moments when they feel bad, they may end up doing things that are harmful, and this is going to give them a greater need to be happy. This might be seen as the only way for them to put an end to their destructive behaviour.
It will then be important for them to take control of how they feel and to make sure they only expedience one side of the emotional spectrum. The other side will be seen as having no part to play in their life.
In The Beginning
If one wants to be happy all the time and they start to read books on self-development, for instance, they may come to believe that positive thinking and affirmations are the answer. Taking control of their mind is then going to be important, and they might not feel the need to do anything else.
They might also end up exercising on a regular basis and look at how they hold themselves. Through exercising, their body will release endorphins and this will cause them to feel good, and through holding themselves in the right way, it will give them the chance to change how they feel.
These are just some of the approaches that one can engage in, and there are many others. If they apply a few of these options or even a number of them, they may start to feel happier, and it might also be possible for them to sustain how they feel.
As a result of this, the people around them may start to show them approval, and this could make them feel even better about themselves. One reason why they offer their approval could be because they want to experience life in the same way.
It might not be long until people start to ask for their advice, and after one tells them what they do, the other person might also end up experiencing life in the same way. In fact, one might go a step further and start to tech others people how to be happy all the time.
However, there is also the chance that one will find it hard to continually feel happy, and this is because challenges are part of life. Having said that, one might just continue to feel happy and to not let anything affect how they feel.
Out of Balance
But even if one is able to maintain how they feel and doesn’t allow themselves to feel unhappy, it doesn’t mean they are not going to experience problems further down the line. The reason for this is that there is a time to be happy and a time to be unhappy, and if one doesn’t embrace both sides, they are going to be out of balance.
If one was happy all the time, they would start to get used to it, and this is because it is only through being able to be unhappy that being happy has any meaning. This is similar to how if the sun was always shining, people would just take it for granted.
In addition to this, one’s feelings are also there to give them feedback, and this means they are not ‘good’ or ‘bad’. Therefore, one will need to pay attention to how they feel and not overlook what is taking place within them.
If they simply cover up how they feel in order to ‘feel good’, their life could end up getting even worse as time passes, and this means they could have more reasons to ‘feel bad’. One might be experiencing ‘positive’ thoughts and feelings, but beyond these inner processes, their life could be in a complete mess.
For example, it is often said that people shouldn’t make decisions when they are happy, and this is because it is not always possible for them to think straight. This is similar to how one is unlikely to be in a position to make a big decision when they are drunk.
It could be said that the ideal will be for one to be in a position where they can embrace how they feel as opposed to having the need to always feel a certain way. As a result of this, it will then be possible for them to use their feelings as feedback.
Through being able to regulate how they feel, they won’t have the need to always feel good. This will also mean that it is possible for them to contain their emotions.
However, if one doesn’t have the ability to contain and regulate their own emotions, they are likely to have a greater need to feel good. When they don’t feel good, they are not going to be able to deal with how they feel, and their feelings are then going to define them.
It can then be normal for them to believe that the answer to their problem is to feel good all the time. It then won’t matter that they can’t contain and regulate how they feel, and this is because they won’t need to.
When one doesn’t have the emotional strength to contain and regulate their emotions, it could be a sign that they were brought up by people who were emotionally unavailable. Through not receiving the attunement they needed to develop this part of themselves, they would have been overwhelmed whenever they experienced ‘negative’ feelings
The only alternative would have been for them to disconnect from these kinds of feelings, and while this would have been better than the other option, it would set them up to experience problems later on. One can then carry a lot of emotional pain, and while this can result in physical problems, it can also set them up to project their ‘dark side’ onto others.
In order for one to develop their ability to contain and regulate their emotions, it will be important for them to reach out for the right assistance. This is likely to be a time where one will need to work through the pain that is within them and receive the attunement that they missed out on all those years ago.
As this takes place, there is a strong chance that one will develop their emotional strength. This is kind of support can be provided by a therapist.
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Oliver JR Cooper
This was a film that I had already heard about due to the book being so popular, and although I did plan to read the book, I didn’t get round to it in the end. However, from what people had said about the book, it sounded like something that I would enjoy writing about.
Now that I have watched the film, I would say that there is a more to this story than meets the eye. Based on my perspective, the film looks at what can happen when someone doesn’t get the help they need after they have experienced trauma.
These psychological aspects and metaphors that I talk about from the film are based on my own interpretation. They are in no way the right or only interpretation; they are just my view.
This will mean that I will miss out certain parts and only describe what stood out for me and what I felt was significant. There will also be parts that I didn’t understand and that will also be a reason as to why it has not been mentioned. This will also mean that it will not be like a story board and that I won’t be describing the whole story.
The Opening Scene
As the film starts, we see that Anastasia Steele and Christian Grey are living radically different lives; Anastasia is a student and Christian is the owner of a big company.
When her friend is unable to go and interview him because she has the flu, Anastasia ends up going to the interview in her place. But instead of using her own car, she ends up using her friend’s car.
At this point, it could be said that this is similar to what happens when a young adult borrows their parent’s car. They are not in a position where they can support themselves and so they look towards their parents to support them.
It is during this time that we start to get an insight into her character. Through how she behaves around her friend and how she responds once she arrives in the waiting area, we can see that she is not someone who can be described as self-assured.
What is also interesting about this moment is that all the people who are working there are women. At this stage, this could just be seen as how things are there, and therefore, there is no need to draw any conclusions about it.
However, this could also be a sign that Christian is unable to affirm himself, and this then means that he needs women to do this for him. Receiving constant feedback from women is then the only way he knows how to feel good about himself.
If this is the case, it would show that he hasn’t been able to break away from his mother and to integrate his aggression, and this is why his sense of self is still being defined by women. The other side of this is that this could also be a sign that his father wasn’t around either, as the father is generally the person who brings the child away from their mother and teaches them to affirm themselves through embracing their own aggression.
One of the employees walks Anastasia to Christian’s office, but they don’t open the door for her. This could be seen as normal, but then again, it could be seen as a sign of the kind of relationship that he has with the people he works with.
Perhaps he is very formal and prefers to keep people at a certain distance. In this case, his relationships are not going to be influenced by his heart; they are only going to relate to his mind.
She pushes the door open and soon falls to the ground, Christian offers his hand and she is soon on her feet. Now, the fact she falls over could be put down to a lack of concentration, but another way of looking at this would be to say that her nerves got the better of her.
Standing in front of her is someone who appears to be strong, and this is the opposite of how she comes across. Christian is not fazed by what is taking place, and we soon see that his facial expressions rarely change; he has mastered the poker face.
He then sits on a black chair and Anastasia sits on a white chair, and so not only are they both extremely different in how they come across, they are also sitting on chairs that are the opposite colour.
At this point, it would appear that she hasn’t brought something to write with, and Christian then has to provide something for her to use. She begins to ask different questions and one question focuses on how well he has done for his age.
Here we see that Christian is not a dreamer like Anastasia, he has a more calculated approach to life. When it comes to understanding people, he says he knows what to do, and this is why he is where he is.
He is asked if his success comes down to luck and he says the harder he works, the more success he seems to have. It could be said that he is not one for letting go and taking a more feminine approach, he is all for taking action and utilising a masculine approach to life.
Anastasia asks him if he is a control freak and he says that he exercises control in all things. It could then be said that he is out of balance and perhaps at one point in time, something happened to him that left him feeling completely out of control.
We soon find out that he was adopted age four, and this experience is bound to have had a big impact on this life. It could have been this experience that has given him the need to maintain control at all times.
Deep down, he could have a lot of pain to do with being abandoned by his mother, and if he was to let go, he may fear that he would be abandoned all over again. These early experiences may have affected his ability to trust others.
After the interview, we can see that Anastasia is infatuated with Christian; it is not possible for her to focus on her own life. Now, this could be seen as a surprise; especially as he came across as cold and controlling.
When she finishes college, a guy comes over who is the complete opposite of Christian, and he is just a friend. At this point, it would be easy to say that he is just not her type; however, this could also give us an insight into what love means to her.
The Phone Call
Whilst she is at work, her mother calls her to say that she won’t be able to make it to her graduation because her husband injured himself whilst playing golf. It could also be said that her mother is self-absorbed, and this is because Anastasia asks her to call back because she is at work and her mother says she has a reason.
She asks her mother if she can come by herself and she says that this is not possible, but instead of empathising with her daughter here, she wants her daughter to understand her situation. Another way of looking at this would be to say that her mother doesn’t really care about her what daughter needs; she only cares about her own needs.
Her priority is not her daughter, who is her flesh and blood; her priority is the man in her life. Now, this could be a one of scenario, but there is also the chance that this is what her mother is like. Once the call is over, she says she loves her, and while words are important, it is our actions that make the difference.
One on hand, her mother is saying she loves her, but on the other, she is not showing it. And if this is how her mother always is, she could have come to develop an unhealthy idea of what is love.
After The Photo Shoot
When they are walking through a corridor after the photo shot, Christian starts to ask about her male friend and the guy she works with at the hardware store. However, he is not coming from a place of pure curiosity; he wants to find out if they are competition.
If we were able to see Anastasia through his eyes, we might begin to see her as a possession. In this case, she is not her own person who has her own feelings and needs, she is an object to own and control.
It has been said that the first time a man experiences the need to possess someone is when he is a baby and the person he wants to possess at this time is usually his mother. During this stage of his development, he is unable to see that his mother is separate from him.
Having this perspective is a vital part of his survival, and then a time passes and providing he receives the right care during this time, he will gradually grow out of this. Yet, if he doesn’t receive the right kind of care and it is then not possible for him to emotionally separate from his mother, he can continue to see women as his possessions.
The Coffee Shop
At the coffee shop Anastasia says she finds him intimidating, and the fact that she has both hands on her drink shows she doesn’t feel comfortable. Along with this, Christian tells her to eat, and this shows that he is unwilling to respect her boundaries.
He asks her to tell him about her family, and she says her dad died when she was a baby, so she was raised by her step-father. We then find out that her mother is on husband number four and she describes her as an incurable romantic.
Her mother is not the only one, as she says she is also the same and this is partly why she studies English literature. At this point, Christian pulls away and says that he is not the man for her and that she should steer clear.
Upon reflection, we could say that Christian has a clear conscience, and this is why he doesn’t want Anastasia to stay with him and end up being hurt. Yet, this could also be a way for him to pull her even close to him.
After all, this is not someone who leaves things to chance; this is someone who understands how to get people to fulfil his needs. The uncertainty that she is experiencing could remind her of what her relationship was like with her own mother, and although it is dysfunctional, it is what is familiar to her.
Her mother may have been there one moment and gone the next, and if this is something she has experienced on a regular basis, it is going to trigger a strong reaction within her. Along with this, we don’t know what her step-father was like during her early years.
Waiting in Line
Whilst she I waiting to use the toilet, she thinks about deleting Christians number, but she ends up calling him instead. This shows that part of her wants to end the connection she has with him and another part of her wants it to continue.
Intellectually, she may think that it wouldn’t be in her best interests to have him in her life, and then at an emotional level, she may crave his attention. Her body is then going to overpower her mind and it won’t matter that he is not ‘right’ for her.
Whilst they are on the phone, he asks her if she has been drinking and once he finds out she has been, he tells her to go home. Anastasia calls him out on his bossy behaviour and he then asks what bar she is at.
He calls her again and says he’s coming to get her. In this moment, the relationship is more like parent and child; he doesn’t care about what she has to say and this is because he sees her as a an object and not as a fellow human being.
The Male Friend
When she goes outside to wait for Christian, her male friend comes out and tells her how much he likes her. Anastasia ends up feeling uncomfortable and does everything she can to resist his advances.
He doesn’t listen and try to take things further; this also shows that he lacks boundaries. Christian then comes rushing out and saves her from his unwanted attention, and just as she begins to faint, he catches her.
One way of looking at this would be to say that she has met someone who is providing the support that she lacks within herself. The masculine strength within her has yet to be realised.
When Anastasia wakes up, Christian walks in soon after, and during this time, she asks about what happened. She finds out that although she slept in the same bed as Christian, nothing actually happened.
He says that it was an anomaly for him to have slept, and this shows how his need to be in control is stopping him from being able to sleep. This is because we don’t fall asleep through force; we fall asleep through letting go.
So as it is not possible for him let go, it is not going to be possible for him to fall asleep either. He tells her that she put herself at risk last night, and in the next moment, he takes his top off.
On one side there is pain and on the other there is pleasure, and this experience could be seen as something that will condition her to associate pleasure with pain. Yet, it could also be said that this conditioning has already taken place through having a mother whose words and behaviour don’t match up.
Anastasia asks Christian why he sent her the books and he says that it’s because he thought he owed her an apology. He stops just short of saying her owed her an apology for letting her believe that he could let her go.
It is not possible for Christian to show affection, and this is because this would involve letting go. Not only would he be allowing his feelings to arise, he would also be letting love in, and this takes a certain amount of trust.
He doesn’t feel safe enough to show how he feels and neither does he feel safe enough to surrender to another person. He has to remain in his head and this stops him from getting in touch with his body and experiencing true intimacy.
Christian then says that he is not going to touch her until he has her written consent. This shows how he is not prepared to let the interaction take its own course; he wants to make sure it goes in a certain direction.
Through having a contract, it will allow him to remain in control, and while it could be said that previous relationships with women have played a part in this, it could go back to his childhood years. However, he soon loses control and ends up kissing Anastasia in the lift.
When Anastasia comes home, she sees that her roommate is under Christian’s brother, and he comes across as the complete opposite of Christian. He is relaxed, happy and friendly, and he points out that his brother is not warm.
After he sees his brother showing affection, he looks away in disgust, and is only too happy for the interaction to end. Perhaps there was a time where someone got too close to him (this may have been his mother), and this experience caused him to feel uncomfortable with closeness.
The Helicopter Ride
Anastasia meets Christian and they go on a helicopter ride, and if we were to see this experience as a metaphor, it could be said that the whole experience mimics what it is like for a girl to be picked up by her father as a child. When we are children, we can only see so much, and just as being picked up allows us to see more, being in a helicopter also has the same effect.
She is supported and her whole body feels weightless, and as her father passed away when she was born, this might be an experience that she hasn’t really experienced. Being with Christian in the helicopter could then make the child part of her feel as though she is getting what she missed out on all those years ago.
The Play Room
Anastasia asks if the room has an Xbox and stuff in, and we soon find out that this couldn’t be further from the truth. The room is where Christian engages in bondage, and he has all kinds of different tools and apparatus.
However, we soon find out that Christian uses this stuff on women and doesn’t allow them to use it on him. He says he’s a dominant and not a sadist, and that he wants Anastasia to surrender herself to him.
The only thing that is in it for her is that she will get him, and Christian appears to believe that this should be enough to convince her to go through with this. One way of looking at this would to be to say that this is another way for him to remain in control, and it could also be said that he has an exaggerated sense of self-importance.
Taking control of women is what turns him on and this could be seen as just what men are like, but if that outlook is put to one side, it could be seen as a way for him to experience indirect revenge. He may have been abused by a woman in the past, and this is then a way for him to get his own back.
Christian says that this is the only sort of relationship that he has, and when Anastasia asks why, he says it’s just the way he is. What this shows is that he has absolutely no self-awareness.
Not only that, he has no interest in finding out why he is the way he is, and it is then down to her to decide whether or not she will go along with it. At this point, we find out that she is still a virgin.
Once they have had a bath and end up back in Christian’s room, we soon hear his mothers vice. From this, we can say that his mother also lacks boundaries, and when he says to her about calling before she drops by, his mother talks about how this would have caused her problems.
And when she sees Anastasia, she talks about how attractive she is and not about the other features she has. This kind of response could be seen as normal, but it could also be a sign that she sees her as an object. In this sense, Christian is very much like his mother; the difference is that Christian has a different use for her.
If we were to reflect upon how Anastasias mother acted when she called her in the hardware store, we can see that Christian’s mothers is also more concerned about her own needs. Whether or not Christian wants to see her is irrelevant; what matters is that she is in the area, and Christian should simply accept that.
The reason he lacks boundaries and is unable to see people as separate could partly come down to how his adopted mother treated him as a child. This could also be a sign that there wasn’t a strong male figure around to bring him away from her clutches.
Dinner and Movies
Anastasia walks to the room that she would stay in if she was to go along with what Christian wants and she asks him if they would go out to dinner and to the movies. He’s says that it’s not his thing, and this shows that she wants more than just sexual pleasure; but as he is emotionally unavailable, this is not going to happen.
It could be said that he is a man and that’s just what men are like, however, men also have emotional needs. The difference between men and women is that women are often encouraged to express their emotions during their early years, whilst men are often shamed for doing the same.
And because men are often out of touch with not only their emotional needs, but also their need for human contact, they can end up having a greater need to experience sexual pleasure. Another way of looking at this is to say that their other needs can end up being sexualized.
An increase in sex drive can therefore be the result of them not getting their emotional and physical needs met. It can be easier to have sex than it can be to open up emotionally and to experience human contact.
It would be inaccurate to say this only applies to men though, as women can also be the same.
A Walk in the Woods
Whilst they are walking in the woods, Anastasia asks Christian how he got into what he does. We find out that when he was fifteen, one of his mother’s friends made him her submissive, and this was something that took place for six years.
She asks him if anyone knows, and she says no one knows about this part of him. He says that his mother doesn’t know, and based on how she came across, it could be said that she was probably too concerned with herself to notice any changes in her son. By the way he describes this, it is clear that he is carrying a lot of shame about what took place.
He also reveals that he is still friends with the woman who did this to him, and based on the fact that he is now doing this to other women, it could be said that he hasn’t worked through the pain that this caused him to experience.
He has covered it up and is acting as though everything is fine, but his relationships with women have been affected because of what took place. There is the chance that he still fears the women who took advantage of him, and this is why he is friends with her.
Through the experiences he had with this woman, it is not possible for him to open up and to trust women. As a result of this, these experienced have stunted his emotional growth and development as a man.
When someone experiences something that causes them to experience shame, it’s normal for them to push the experience out of their awareness. While Christian was the victim in this situation, because of how ashamed he feels, he can feel as though there is something wrong with him.
If he had faced this pain and worked through it, he wouldn’t have the need to go from victim to perpetrator, but as toxic shame is so overwhelming, it is normal for someone to push it out of their awareness and to become shameless in the process.
This could also be the reason why he is not emotionally available, and this is because it is not possible to block out one side of the emotional spectrum without blocking out the other side. If he were to get in touch with his feelings, he would end up being overwhelmed by toxic shame.
When Christian talks about his experience of being taken advantage of, he has only good things to say. This might seem strange; especially as he has so many issues that relate to what happened.
However, this could be a way for him to avoid facing his true feelings; through constructing a positive story around that happened, he can delude himself into thinking that the experience wasn’t that bad. This could be seen as just what happens when someone experiences trauma, and how they can idealize their perpetrator.
Through experiencing a complete loss of power during these experiences, it could have been what set Christian up to seek complete power. However, no matter how much power he has, it is not going to change how he feels; the only way for him to do that is to heal himself.
In this scene, Christian ties Anastasia up and they carry on from where they left of the last time. Now, it could be said that some women enjoy surrendering to a man, and how this is a chance for them to be in their feminine.
However, this has to be done with respect and there has to be a clear understanding of what is and what is not acceptable. What Anastasia is going through at this point could be put down to choice, but as she lacks a strong sense of self, it is going to be normal for her to do things to please Christian as opposed to herself.
When Anastasia starts to ask about the scars on his chest, Christian begins to get uncomfortable, and he then gets up to leave. Once he leaves, Anastasia is not in a good way and clearly wants to be with him.
The Next Day
She sends Christian an email the next day and says she has issues with the paperwork. At this point, it could be said that she doesn’t want to go along with what Christian wants, but what she does want is to be with him.
It is not possible for her to think straight and her emotions are out of control, and while these feelings could relate to Christian, they might be more to it. Because her father passed on when she was younger and through having a mother who is probably not very stable (as demonstrated by the fact she has been married so many times), there is a strong chance that she was neglected during her younger years.
This can then mean that she fears being abandoned on one side, and fears being smothered on the other. It is possible that her fear of being abandoned is greater than her fear of being smothered.
The thought of losing Christian can then be what causes the feelings she experienced when she was abandoned to come to the surface once more. Due to how powerful these feelings are, it won’t matter that he is not the kind of person who is right for her.
As time passes, she is likely to be hurt in the same way all over again, but while she needs to go with someone who is different, this is what feels comfortable. If she was to meet someone who is healthy, there s a strong chance that she would feel uncomfortable.
Through being neglected, there is a strong chance that she is carrying toxic shame, and this is going to stop her from being able to realise her inherent worth. As a result l this, she is not going to believe that she deserves someone who is healthy, or available.
Anastasia comes up with a few things she doesn’t want to do and Christian even agrees to go out on a date one night a week. This can be seen as a sign that he is starting to soften a little, and this also comes to light when he asked Anastasia what she was doing to him when they were in each others arms the night before.
In this scene, we get to see Anastasias step-father for the first time, and in the beginning, he seems friendly and easy going. However, he changes as soon as Christian appears and while this could be seen as him being nothing more than a protective step-father; there could be more to it.
At this point we don’t know anything else about him other than that fact that he is her step-father. If he is not being protective, it could be a sign that he is too close to hear, and seeing her with another man may cause him to experience jealousy, or even envy.
When she goes home, her friend finds out about her getting a car and tells her to make sure she takes it at her own pace. Anastasia acts as though everything is fine, and then leaves without saying where she is going.
This shows she isn’t thinking about what is happening and she has been pulled into Christian’s reality. As her friend is not emotionally attachment, she is in a position to help her to think clearly, but she is too caught up to hear what she has to say.
When Christian and Anastasia are sat at the table with his family, she says that she is going to visit her mother tomorrow, and his mother then says to him that some children do visit their parents now and again. The blame is placed firmly on Christian’s shoulders and his mother believes that she is playing no part how things are.
From what we know about his family history, it could be said that the primary reason he doesn’t go home is because of what happened with this mother’s friend, and he doesn’t seem very close to his adopted mother or father either. After this, Christian goes for a walk with Anastasia and tells her that she’s all his.
She asks him why they can’t sleep in the same bed and why she can’t touch him. After she tells him she needs more and wants more, he tells her hearts and flowers are not something he knows.
Anastasia ask him if the marks on his chest are burns, and he said he says he had a rough start to life and that’s all she needs to know. All kinds of assumptions could be made at this point, but it is safe to say that something significant took place.
We find out that the woman who gave birth to him was a crack addict and a prostitute, and that she died when he was four. As a result of this, it could be said that it wasn’t possible for him to develop a secure attachment to his mother.
The most important years of his development were spent with a woman who was unable to give him the love he needed. And even though he ended up with a new mother after these years, the damage had already been done, and up until this point, this original trauma has not been dealt with.
Based on how he behaves, it could be said that the thing he fears the most in a relationship is being smothered, whereas, the thing that Anastasia fears the most is being abandoned. As his mother was out of tune with his needs, she would have ended up giving him attention when he didn’t need it, and this would have caused him to feel smothered.
This then set him up to fear intimacy on one hand and to crave it on the other. Staying in control at all times is then a way for him to not only stop himself from feeling how he did during his formative years, it is also a way for him to stop himself from having to have the same experience again.
In this sense, it is not his intention to harm others; the only thing he is trying to do is to protect himself. The people he ends up with are likely to carry a similar wound, and this is why their paths cross.
When she is eating a meal at her mothers, we see that her mother is having a go at her husband, and he then says that she’s lucky that he loves her. This could be how her mother has always been, and this is likely to have influenced her daughter’s outlook on relationships.
In this scene, the word ‘love’ is used in a way that is not necessarily healthy. If this is an experience that Anastasia has been exposed to over the years, it may have conditioned her to associate love with verbal abuse, and so when you love someone, you tolerate abuse.
Whilst she is out with her mother, Christian turns up and he says that he was out for a meal with the woman who used him. He describes her as a friend and while this could seem strange, it could be said that he has been conditioned over the years to feel comfortable with women who are abusive.
When she is in the car with her mother, her mother tells her that that things won’t get easier, and the only thing that will happen is that she will get to know herself better. On one side, this could be seen as good advice, but on the other, it could cause her daughter to suffer even more.
For example, if we look at what is going on in her daughter’s life, we can see that her daughter didn’t just happen to end up with Christian. She is with him because there is a connection, and this connection could be seen as primarily being the result of shared trauma.
If her daughter was to work on herself, for instance, this would allow her to not only know herself better, it also would also make her life easier. The reason for this is that when there is less conflict within her, there will be less conflict without.
Her mother is speaking from her own experience, and from what we can see, she doesn’t appear to have any kind of self-awareness. Therefore, if she was to follow her advice, there is a strong chance she would end up having the same relational experiences as her mother.
When Anastasia is with Christian, she asks him why he always plays sad songs, and after she doesn’t get an answer, she asks him why he wants to punish her. He then responds by saying that he is fifty shades of fucked up.
And as Christian won’t explain why he is the way he is she wants him to show her how bad it can be and to punish her. This will then be a way for her to understand what he is going through.
It could be said that the reason he always plays sad songs is because he is sad on the inside. If he was in touch with his deeper feelings, he would be able to go with how he felt, and this is likely to mean that he would cry out the pain.
In the beginning of the film, Christian seemed strong and Anastasia seemed the complete opposite. But as time has gone on, we can see that on the inside Christian is not as strong as he makes out.
At a deeper level, Christian is extremely vulnerable, and part of why he was attracted to Anastasia could have been because he saw part of himself in her. This part of him could be seen as his wounded inner child.
He is no longer in touch with this part of himself, and this is partly why he had such a strong urge to reach out to her. The times when he saved Anastasia were really attempts at saving the lost part of himself.
When Christian hits Anastasia six times, we can see that he is experiencing a lot of rage. But while he is taking this rage out on her, it is really aimed at the woman who abused him when he was fifteen, and it could even go back to his mother.
Once they have finished, she says that she doesn’t want him to come near her, and Christian appears to be shocked by her response. In the past, he was being victimised by a woman, and now he is the one who is victimising a woman.
While he may believe that harming women in the same way that he was harmed is the way for him to change how he feels, it is only going to give him a momentary release. The only way he is going to truly move on for what happened is for him to face himself.
The first step will be for him to step back from how he feels and to realise he is being defined by what happened. Even though he appears to be in control of himself, he has no control over his need to punish women.
When Christian comes into Anastasias room, she says that she has fallen in love with him, and this then causes him to say that she can’t love him. This might seem like a strange thing for him to say.
It is clear that he likes her and as he feels this way, surely he would want her to love him. Based on his reaction, it could be said that he doesn’t feel as though he deserves to be loved.
However, due to the experiences he had with the woman who abused him and his mother, there is a strong chance that he feels unlovable. His inherent worth is likely to have been covered up by toxic shame.
In the morning, Anastasia comes down stairs and says she wants her car back and Christian says it’s already been sold. From this, we can see that she is trying to reaffirm her boundaries.
It is not possible for Christian to look at her and this is likely to be a sign that he feels ashamed of what happened. The toxic shame that he is experiencing has caused him to collapse not only emotionally, but also physically.
At the end we see the lift doors closing and they both say each other’s name. We see that their relationship is not over, and we will have to wait until the next film comes out to find out what happens next (or we could just read the next book).
In the beginning of the film, it appears as though Anastasia and Christian are very different, and this is primarily because of how they are experience life. But as times passes, we can see that they are both carrying deep wounds.
From what we find out, it appears as though Christian has been through more than what Anastasia has been though. However, it is not just what happens to someone that affects them; it is also how they respond to what happens.
Therefore, Anastasia could be carrying the same amount of pain, and because of what they have been through, they are drawn together. It is not possible for them to move through their pain together, and this is because they are projecting their past onto each other.
All the time they do this, they are going to continue to play out the same dramas, and they won’t realise what part they are playing in what is taking place. If they were to work through their pain, they may find that they are on longer attracted to each other.
When someone experiences these kinds of challenges, it will be important for them to reach out for the right support and not to suffer in silence. This doesn’t mean their life will change overnight, but it will change if they keep going.
If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article.
Oliver JR Cooper
On one side, it could be said that there is confidence, and on the other side, it could be said that there is self-worth. The first one could be seen as something one can experience at one level, and the other could be seen as something they can experience at another level.
Therefore, even though one is confident, it doesn’t mean that they value themselves, and although one can value themselves, it doesn’t mean they will always come across as though they are full of confidence. This doesn’t mean one can’t have both, but what it does mean is that one thing doesn’t always lead to the other.
For example, a cake can look magnificent, but that doesn’t mean that it tastes as good as it looks. It could be said that it is easier to make a cake look good than it is to make a cake taste good.
This is similar to how it is often easier for someone to develop confidence than it is for them to develop self-worth. However, while confidence is something that can come and go, self-worth is not as transitory.
Confidence is often something that one experiences through receiving feedback from others. For instance, one can have their hair done and then people can tell them how good they look, and one can then end up feeling confident.
Another way this can happen is when other people tell them that they have done a good job. Through receiving their feedback, one can end up feeling confident.
Once they have received this feedback from others, they can feel on top of the world, and then as time passes, the feelings, thoughts and sensations that they are experiencing can start to disappear. This can then cause one to come crashing back down, and they may feel the need to do something else in order to gain more positive feedback from others.
However, if one values themselves, it will be possible for them to feel good without needing constant feedback from others. When they experience a change in their emotional state, they are unlikely to have the same need to find another way to experience positive feedback
If one is in an environment where they are receiving constant feedback, they may come across as though they are not only confident, but that they value themselves. Yet, if they were to spend time by themselves or to be around people who don’t give them the same responses, they might soon come crashing down.
When one needs constant feedback on how they look, for instance, it is likely to show that they haven’t developed their self-worth. And as they don’t value themselves, they need other people to give them what they can’t give themselves; however, it won’t be possible for them to internalise what they hear.
Even though one may value themselves, it doesn’t mean they will come across as though they are an extrovert. They might not stand out, and this is because they not going to be in a position where they are trying to prove themselves to others.
Yet, if they were to open up about the rest of their life, it might soon become clear that they value themselves. This doesn’t mean that they will be famous or have lots of money; what it is likely to mean is that they will treat themselves with respect and that their relationships will be healthy, among other things.
As a result of how they feel about themselves, they are unlikely to act as though they are more important than others. This is because they are going to be operating as a whole human being as opposed to being stuck in their head.
When one doesn’t value themselves and their confidence is based on how other people respond to them, it can mean that they are out touch with their body. It can then be normal for them to have an exaggerated sense of importance.
This will be because they are out of touch with their shame, and it is then going to be a challenge for them to have a grounded sense of themselves. Without the body’s shame to keep the mind in check, it is going to be normal for one to get caught up in the illusions that the mind creates.
What this shows is how important it is for one to not only focus on their mind when it comes to developing self-worth, but to also focus on their body. In fact, it could be said that the most important area to focus on is the body.
A Common Outlook
It is often said that our self-worth is defined by what we believe, and this can then cause one to focus on their mind. This also creates the impression that one can develop self-worth through having the right beliefs.
They can then end up using affirmations, positive thinking and success as a way to change their beliefs. However, there is a strong chance that this will cause one to cover up how they truly feel, and as was motioned above, this can cause them to create a false-self.
Another way of looking at this would be to say that it is not so much that one needs to develop self-worth, as it is they need to realise their self-worth. This is because it is not something they can really develop; it is something that is an inherent part of who they are.
One’s self-with is something that will be found in their body and not their mind, however, in order for them to realise this, they will need to work through the pain that is in their body. Once they get in touch with this pain, they are likely to see that they are carrying toxic shame.
Behind toxic shame is going to be their inherent worth, but all the time they are carrying this it is not going to be possible for them to realise their inherent worth. This is not something that can be changed by thinking or behaving differently, and it won’t change through achieving success either.
One way for one to let go of their toxic shame will be to face how they feel and to tolerate the charge until it begins to discharge. Being around people who affirm their inherent worth will also be an important part of this process.
Toxic shame can only survive when it is being covered up, and this is why it is so important for one to shine the light on this part of themselves. The assistance of a therapist and/or a support group is likely to be needed here.
If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article.
Oliver JR Cooper
When one’s life is not going the way they want it to go, it could be because they are going through a challenging time. In this case, it will be important for them to keep going, and to stay focused on what matters.
As to how long this will last can all depend on what they are going through; it could last for days, weeks, or even months, for instance. And while they may want to move forward, they might just have to be patient and to tolerate what is taking place.
It could be said that it is part of life to experience challenges, and although one might wonder why they are experiencing something at one in point time, it might end up making sense as time passes. But regardless of whether it makes sense, they might come to see that the experienced made them stronger.
This is similar how one might go to the gym in order to develop their body, for instance. The challenges of life allow one to develop their character, and while one can chose when they will go to the gym, one’s character can be tested at any moment.
It is possible for them to avoid certain things that would challenge them, but no matter how much they try to do this, it is not going to be possible for them to always do this. There are going to be some people who embrace the challenges in their life, and then there are going to be others who go out of their way to find them.
They are not going to be happy with the odd challenge they experience; it will be important for them to consistently face challenges. As a result of this, the people around them may describe them as resilient.
However, even though other people could see them as having incredible inner-strength, they might say that they are no different to others. They may say that they developed inner-strength through facing their challenges, and each challenge they faced made them stronger.
This doesn’t mean their life always goes how they want it to go, but it does mean they will keep getting back up, so to speak. The people around them are also likely to play a part in their ability to keep going each time.
On one hand, there are the challenges that one can experience that are part of life, and on the other hand, there are the challenges that can experience that are not always necessary. These are the kinds of things that one can experience when they are sabotaging their own life.
When this happens, their problems are not going to be caused by others (although it can seem that way), they are going to be caused by themselves. One’s life is then going to be a lot harder than it needs to be.
Yet, unless one is aware of how they are playing a part in what is taking place, it can be normal for them to believe that other people are the problem. Throughout their life, for instance, they may find that they always come across the same kinds of people.
And while they might meet the odd person who is supportive, the majority of people they come into contact with might not be. Or if this is not something they can relate to, they might always come into contact with a certain type of person, and this one person can then overshadow the people who do support them
The Next Stage
After taking this approach for a while, they might start to look within themselves, and to see if they are playing a part in what is taking place. This can be something that takes palace after one has read a book or has had a conversation with someone.
It could then be said that the book or the conversation caused one to look within themselves. However, it might be more accurate to say that part of them was ready and because of this, they ended up having an experience that allowed them to take the next step.
Once they start to look within themselves, they might focus on what is taking place in their mind. Through this, they will begin to notice what their thoughts are and also how these thoughts are influencing how they feel.
After doing this, they may start to think about what they believe about success, and look into if they believe that they deserve to achieve what they want to achieve. It could then come down to one needing to change their beliefs, and once they have done this, their life may begin to change.
The Same Story
However, there is also the chance that this might not happen, and one could still feel the same way. Or they might feel better but their life is still the same, and this is likely to be a sign that one hasn’t dealt with the real cause.
Although one will have conditioned their mind to believe something else, these beliefs can be in conflict with what is taking place in their body. The reason for this is that one’s feelings are not always caused by what its taking place in their mind.
The Emotional Body
As a result of this, when one changes what is taking place in their body, they may find that their beliefs and thoughts also change. When one feels as though they don’t deserve something, it is likely to be a sign that they are carry toxic shame.
Through processing this pain and being around people who support their inherent worth, they may start to feel comfortable enough to achieve what they want to achieve. They may also find that although they have changed what is taking place in their mind and released what had built-up in their body, their life doesn’t change
Their inner world has changed, but their outer world hasn’t, and while this may mean that they have more inner work to do, it could mean that they need to try another approach. What this could come down to is one’s need to be loyal to their family.
And not only could this go back one generation, it could be something that goes back many generations. This is going to mean that one’s life is not being sabotaged because of what is taking place within them; it is being sabotaged because of what is taking place in their ancestral line.
One way to work through the need to be loyal is to use family constellations, and this can take place in a group or in a private session. When this happens, there is no need to change anything; it is simply a time of acknowledging what has not been acknowledged.
Oliver JR Cooper
There are times when one can experience a loss and it won’t have much of an effect on them, and then there are times when this won’t be the case. And what can define how much of an impact a loss has on them can all depend on their level of emotional attachment.
For example, if one had a t-shirt and then they lost it, they are unlikely to end up in a bad place. Yet, if one was in a relationship and then it came to an end, there is a strong chance that they won’t be able to simply carry on with their life.
Having said that, if one was to lose a t-shirt that meant a lot to them, it might be hard for them to just forget about what happened. This could be because the t-shirt was given to them by a friend or a family member who is no longer around, for instance.
Once a relationship comes to an end, they might feel a sense of relief and not loss. This is likely to be a sign that although they were physically together, they were no longer emotionally together.
Black and White
What this shows is that it is not black and white, and that just because one person responds in a certain way, it doesn’t mean another person will. It is going to be important for one to realise this, as they might end up feeling as though there is something wrong with them if they respond differently to others.
One thing that can make loss harder to handle is when one is already carrying pain from past losses. Their present-day loss is then going to trigger losses from the past, and this can then cause them to feel overwhelmed.
On one side, this could cause one to have a strong reaction to something and not understand why. When this happens, one might experience the end of a relationship, and while they wanted it to end, they might end up feeling a strong sense of loss.
And on the other side, one could have a strong reaction to something and believe that it relates to their present-day loss. This could mean that one is in a relationship that they didn’t want to end, and although it is going to be normal for them to experience loss, they could end up feeling suicidal, for instance.
To feel this way after the loss could mean that one is carrying a lot of pain from the past, and while it might seem like an overreaction, there may have been a time when it was normal. But then again, it could relate to their present-day loss; this is something that one will have to look into.
When a relationship comes to an end, (either through a breakup or due to the other person passing on) the meaning of one’s life is likely to change. One can then feel as though they no longer have a reason to live and this why they can feel suicidal.
If one was to lose someone they were close to, they are going to experience grief, and this is because this is a natural part of experiencing loss. They may also feel as though their heart has been broken.
Therefore, through losing a family member or a friend, for instance, one is going to be in a lot of pain, and this pain is unlikely to disappear overnight. It will also be important for one to be around people who can support them during this time.
While one might have been someone who was strong before, they are unlikely to feel as strong as they did. The people around them can give them the support they need to handle the pain that they are experiencing.
This is something that can come from family and friends, and it might also be necessary for one to seek professional help. However, this can all depend on what kind of support the people around them can give them.
One may hear that time is a great healer, and that they will feel better as time passes. Through hearing this, one could end up looking to the future, and believe that it’s only a matter of time before they feel better.
This is not the complete truth though, and this is because one will need to mourn the grief that is within them in order to heal their heart. If they were to avoid their pain and just waited for time to pass, there is a strong chance that they won’t feel any different.
As time passes, one could end up disconnecting from how they feel, and it will then be normal for them to feel numb. And along with this, one could end up experiencing all kinds of symptoms.
One may end up feeling depressed and lose interest in what they used to enjoy doing, and they could even experience pain in their chest, among others things. But while these kinds of symptoms can appear after one experiences loss and then go as one faces their pain, they are likely to stay around when one avoids how they feel.
Facing the Pain
In this sense, time can be a great healer as long as one faces how they feel. Through facing how they feel each day, they will gradually begin to heal their heart, and as a result of this, the weeks, months and years that pass will have an impact on their life.
This doesn’t mean one will feel better with each day that passes though, and this is because this is not a linear process. In one moment, one could feel better and then in the next moment, they could feel awful.
It could be said that the primary way that will let go of their grief is through crying, and along with this, it is likely to be important for one to share how they feel with others. This is a time of surrender and not a time where one can simply ‘get over’ how they feel.
Oliver JR Cooper
There are some people who are able to move forward and achieve success, and then there are others who are unable to do this. And when one experiences life in this way, it could cause them to go down a number of different paths.
They could end up looking externally for the answers, and seeing what it is that is in the way for them making progress. Or they might look within themselves, and look at why they are not allowing themselves to go to the next stage in their life.
A Bit of Both
Alternatively, one may decide to take a more balanced approach, and to take a closer look at what is going on externally and internally. However, they may believe that what is taking place within them is more important that what is taking place without.
Yet, even if they were to reflect on what is taking place within them, it doesn’t mean they will overlook what is going on around them. This is because what is going on around them can be used as information.
Through observing their own reality and seeing what is taking place around them, it will give them the chance to see what might be taking place within them. For example, if one has a certain pattern in their life, there is likely to be reason why it continues to appear.
One approach would be for one to get caught up in what is happening externally and to blame others, but if they look into what is taking place within them, this is not going to be necessary. Instead, they can see why they continue to experience the same patterns over and over again.
But even if one doesn’t look within, it doesn’t mean they will end up seeing other people as the problem; they could just end up working harder. In this case, it can show that they believe that it will be possible for them to move forward through working harder.
On one hand, they might just do more of what they were doing before, and on the other hand, this could mean that they try another approach, as well as working harder than they were previously. Through doing this, their life may chance, but then again, it might not.
What seemed like the answer to their problem at one point in time might end up causing them to experience even more pain at another. This doesn’t necessarily mean their life wont change, but even if it does change they could end up being exhausted, or they might get to a certain point and then return to how their life was before.
As a result of this, one might decide to take a step back and to reflect on what is taking place. In this case, what is taking place externally can be the catalyst they need to look within.
Once they have brought their attention within themselves, they might look at what is taking place in their head. And after they have monitored their mind for while, they might start to notice that they have ‘negative’ thoughts.
Through noticing these thoughts, they might start to get an idea of why their life is the way it is. The next stage might be for them to look at what they believe about themselves, and to see how these beliefs are impacting their life.
This is also likely to mean that they also have ‘negative’ feelings, and they may come to believe that their feelings are being caused by what is taking place in their head. In this case, it will be important for them to deal with what is taking place in their mind.
However, there is also the chance that they will come to see that what is taking place in their head is being caused by what is going on in their body. In this case, their mind is simply triggering feelings that are trapped within them.
During this time, they may find that they feel as though they don’t deserve to be successful, and this may be a sign that they are carrying toxic shame. Through changing their beliefs and letting go of the toxic shame within them, they may find that they are soon on their way.
This is because they value who they are, and there is then no reason for them to sabotage their life. Yet, one may find that even though this has changed, their life is no different, and one could also be in a position where they have always valued themselves.
If one values themselves and their life still doesn’t change, it could be due to something that has not crossed their mind. At a deeper level, they may have the need to stay loyal to their family.
This might relate to one member of their family, or it could end up being something that relates to a number of their family members. But if one in a position where their parents are no longer alive, for instance, they might wonder how this is possible.
Yet, even if this is the case, one can still have the need to be loyal, and this shows it doesn’t matter whether they have passed on. Their need to be loyal is likely to come down to their need to be loved.
Keeping themselves at a certain level in life is then a way for them to maintain the connection they have with a member of their family or a number of people in their family. During their early years, they may have seen a family member suffer in some way, and the part of them that wanted to be accepted would have made the decision to experience life in the same way.
An Unconscious Process
Another way of looking at this would be to say that one did this without thinking about it, and at this age their primary need would have been to survive. As the years passed and one started to experience life in a way that was similar to someone they were brought up around, they are going to wonder why they can’t move forward.
And the reason someone they were brought up with experienced life in this way could have come down to their need to be loyal to one of their family members. Therefore, this could be something that goes back a number of generations.
The Same Experience
When a family a member is still suffering in the same way, this could make it even harder for them to move forward. They can have an even greater need to experience life as they are.
Experiencing life differently is then important, but it is not going to be important enough to lose their love. This shows that a new outlook is needed, and this is unlikely to happen through thinking differently, for instance.
When the need to be loyal is something that goes back a number of generations, one might not be able to move forward through working on what is taking place within them. Instead, one may need to look at what is taking place along their ancestral line.
This can take place through using family constellations. What matters here is that one listens to themselves and goes with what feels right.
Oliver JR Cooper
There are times when one will meet someone without knowing anything about them and then there are other times when this won’t be the case. In this instance, one will have heard about the other before person they have even met them.
When this happens, one can feel as though they already know the other person, and even though they haven’t met them, they may feel the need to behave in a certain way. And the way in which they behave can all depend on how the other person describes them.
This can mean that their first impression of the other person won’t be formed through being in their presence; it will be formed through listening to what other people say. It then might not matter how accurate their descriptions are, as one can believe they are finding out what someone is like.
However, if one hears what other people have to say and then decides to come to their own conclusion, they might be able see for themselves. But, this doesn’t mean they won’t be influenced by what they hear.
If one was to receive positive feedback about the other person, it might not matter if they were to accept everything they heard. The idea they have of the other person is likely to be positive, and when they meet them, this may allow them to start off on the ‘right’ foot, so to speak.
At the same time, this might stop them from being able to develop a balanced perspective of the other person. Instead of being able to see what the other person is like, they could end up being caught up in the idea they have in their mind.
When one receives negative feedback about the other person, it could end up causing them to experience the other person in the same way. This could then be taken as a sign that the other person was right and this might not be the case.
What it could come down to is that one acted in a certain way around the other person, and this then caused them to respond in a certain way. Therefore, even though one can then come to believe that the other person was right, it might be more accurate to say that they played a part in why the other person acted as they did.
Out of Balance
Even if they do see things that go against what they were told about the other person, they might end up blocking them out. Part of them might also feel the need to go along with what they were told in order to please whoever told them.
If they were to go against what they heard, it might end up having a negative effect on the relationship they have with someone else, for instance. It could then be even harder for them to think for themselves.
Sense of Self
Having said that, if one has a strong sense of who they are and they are also able to think for themselves, they might have a better chance of seeing both sides of someone. Yet, it would be inaccurate to say that it is therefore possible for one to see the other person for who they are.
How one perceives another person is always being shaped by what is taking place within them. Even if they don’t have an impression of someone before they meet them, the experience is still going to be filtered through their own mind.
It’s Too Late
If one was to develop a negative view of someone based on what they were to hear and this then defined how they behaved towards them, it might cause them to sabotage a relationship, for instance. On the other hand, if they were to meet the other person without knowing anything about them, they might end up seeing a different side.
After they have got to know them, they might wonder why the other person said what they did. It could then be said that as one was different around them, the other person also changed, and this is why they had a different experience.
It could be said that it is normal for one to believe that what they hear from the people they are close to is the truth, and this is because they are likely to trust them. They are unlikely to believe that they are trying to deceive them.
And there is a strong chance that they are not trying to do this; it could just be their intention to inform them about what the other person is like. They might not even consider the fact that they may have played a part in how the other person behaved.
The outlook they have may have been developed when they were in an emotionally charged state, or this could have been a time in their life where they were unable to think clearly. Time may then have passed, but they might not have taken the time to reflect on what took place.
If they were to do this, their outlook may soon change, and this could have an impact on what they tell others. After they do this, they might not even feel the need to tell them anything.
Having an Open Mind
One approach might be for one to hear what the other person says and to keep an open mind at the same time. They can then hear what the other person tells them without allowing it to define their outlook of the other person.
If they are close to the person who tells them and they have the same approach to life, they may have a similar experience to them, whereas, if they are not close to them and they have a different outlook, they might not. However, this might not be the case and regardless of how close they are, they might have a completely different experience.
Oliver JR Cooper
In today’s world, success is something that a lot of people want to experience, and if they are already experiencing it, they can feel the need to experience even more. However, although a lot of people want to be successful, it doesn’t mean they all want to have the same thing.
For one person, success could mean earning a lot of money and/or having a fulfilling career, and for another, it could relate to having everything in place. In this case, it is likely to relate to having a good career, earning a good amount of money, having fulfilling relationships and experiencing good health, for instance.
It could be said that the reason one wants to experience these things is because they believe it will allow them to feel a certain way. If how one believes they will feel through experiencing success is completely different to how they feel before they have experienced success, they are likely to have a greater level of attachment.
They are going to want to change how they feel and the way in which they experience life, and so being successful can then be seen the answer to their problems. The pain that they are experiencing can then be the force that pushes them forward.
However, while the pain they are experiencing can be an asset, it can also cause them to become overly attached. As a result of this, one can make it even harder for themselves to experience the kind of life they want to live.
This is because how one feels in each moment is having an effect on what happens in their reality. The reason for this comes down to the fact that one’s life is not only influenced by what they say or what they do, it is also influenced by what is taking place within them.
Therefore, if one is trying to avoid feeling a certain way, they may find that they end up having even more reasons to feel the same way. Through the power of their will, it might be possible for them to achieve things that will allow them to feel different, but these experiences could be short-lived.
It is then not going to be long until feel how they did before, and while they might take the time to think about why this is, they might end up trying to achieve something else. There is also the chance that even if they do achieve what they want to achieve, it won’t be as fulfilling as they expected it to be.
This is then going to be similar to one seeing a rainbow and then thinking about how amazing it looks, and then trying to catch it. But no matter how far they run, it is not going to be possible for them to get any closer to it
It could be said that they need to find the ‘rainbow’ within themselves, and once they have done this, they won’t try to achieve things in order to feel a sense of value. When this happens, it doesn’t mean they won’t want to be successful; what it means is that their intention will be different, and this means their actions will also change.
Their reason for wanting to be successful will be for them to express their true-self, and to live a life that matches up with who they are. It is not going to be to run away from how they feel.
And through having this approach, it may mean that it is easier for them to experience success, and this is because they are not going to have the same level of attachment. If they are unhappy, for instance, they may deal with this in another way, and not see it as something they can ‘fix’ through being successful.
A Different Approach
They might look at what they want to achieve, and once they have done that, they can look into why they want to achieve it. Through taking this approach, one is going to be aware of how they feel, but they are not being controlled by how they feel.
Whereas, if one just allows their feelings to define what they want to achieve, there is a strong chance they will end up trying to achieve something for the wrong reasons. One is then going to send themselves down the wrong path, and they could end up feeling even worse than they did before.
If one was to feel worthless, for instance, they may believe that the way for them to change how they feel is to become successful. This is likely to show that they are disconnected from their inherent worth.
Yet, even if one does have this outlook, it doesn’t mean this is what they consciously think about; they might just believe that being successful will enable them to feel good about themselves. However, even if they were to put all their effort into being successful and they achieved what they wanted to achieve, they might not feel any different.
This is because although they would have developed value on the outside, nothing has changed on the inside. But if one believes that their value is defined by what they achieve, it will be normal for them to take this approach, and it is going to be hard for them to understand why they feel the way they do.
What this shows is that the way for one to realise their value is not through attaining things, it is to let go of what is in the way of their inherent value. In this sense, it is not something that one develops, it is something they realise.
One may find that it is not possible for them to know what they want to achieve, and this may be a sign that they need to let go of what is in the way of their true needs. And if they are disconnected from their inherent worth, it is likely to mean that they are carrying toxic shame.
If this is the case, they will need to let go of the toxic shame that is within them, and this can take place the assistance of a therapist and/or a support group. They can also provide the support that one may need to connect to their true-self and therefore, to connect to their true needs.
Oliver JR Cooper
While one can have a clear idea about kind of person they want to be with, it doesn’t mean they will end up with someone who meets their requirements. When this happens, the people around them may say that they expect too much, and this can then cause one to settle for less.
However, there is also the chance that this won’t have an effect on them, and they may wait until they find someone who matches up. Having said that, the people around may encourage them to maintain their standards and to wait until they find the ‘right’ one.
But even if one doesn’t have clear idea about the kind of person they want to be with, it doesn’t mean they will just go with anyone. They could be someone who just ‘knows’ whether another person is ‘right’ for them or not.
And although their approach is slightly different, they could still end up in a relationship that is not right for them. Or once again, they could wait until they find someone who is ‘right’ for them.
When one ends up in a relationship with someone who is not compatible, they are likely to wonder why they are with the other person. This doesn’t mean that certain parts of the relationship won’t be fulfilling though, as some of their needs may be met.
If they were to look at why they are with the other person, they may find that it because they don’t want to be on their own. Or it could be due to what the other person gives them, and this could relate to financial gain, for instance.
Part of them can then want to leave the other person, but another part of them can want to stay with them. Their mind may wonder what is going on and at the same time, their body can feel comfortable with how things are.
Therefore, while leaving the other person can seem like the ‘right’ thing for them to do, that’s about as far as it goes. In this case, it could be said that they are more concerned with feeling comfortable then they are with being happy.
If, on the other hand, one is in a relationship that is abusive, they might feel a greater need to walk away. It might not only be clear to them that the other person isn’t ‘right’ for them; it could also be clear to others.
Or it could be clear to others but not to them, and this could then be a sign that one is used to being abused. And if being treated in this way is ‘normal’, they might believe this is just how life is.
What this will show is that even though one may want to walk away, they are unlikely to believe that it is possible for them to do so. And through experiencing the abuse, one may feel as though they haven’t got the strength to leave.
It could be said that the sooner they walk away, the sooner they will get their strength back; but this might not be enough for them to put an end to this type of relationship. For example, one could leave and end having the need to return to the same person, or to find someone similar.
While this kind of behaviour may be hard for them to understand, it is likely to be a sign that they are carrying trauma. Their body and mind have then come to feel comfortable with experiences that are painful.
If they are not being exposed to these kinds of experiences, it will be normal for them to have withdrawal symptoms. On one hand, it will be important for them to leave the other person, and on the other hand, it will be important for them to heal the trauma that is within them.
Once one is different on the inside, they will be attracted to different people, and they will also attract people who are different. How long this takes can depend on what is taking place within them; what kind of help they receive and how they respond to the help they receive.
However, when it comes to healing trauma, it is unlikely to be something that takes place through focusing on the mind and changing one’s thoughts, for instance. This is likely to be a time where one will need to primarily heal what is taking place in their body.
When one is a relationship that is abusive, they can see themselves as the ‘victim’, and this means the other person is likely to be seen as the ‘perpetrator’. Through being a victim, one can feel as though they have no control; the perpetrator, on the other hand, can appear to have all the control
Yet, if one was to take a step back, they would see that these are just roles that have nothing to do with who each of them are. One may also find that there are moments where they are the perpetrator, and this then means the other person will come across as the victim.
Another thing that can take place in relationships that are abusive or dysfunctional, is that one person can end up being aware of what is going on and the person can have no awareness whatsoever. When this happens, one person will be able to see that what is taking place in the relationship is unhealthy or abusive, and it might not be possible for the other person to see what they are talking about.
This can also mean that they will be in touch with how they feel, whereas, the other person might be completely disconnected from how they feel. As a result of this, they may also display empathy and it might not be possible for the other person to do this.
How Is this Possible?
If someone has a certain amount of self-awareness, it might hard for them to fathom why they would end up in a relationship like this. They are going to have the need to work through their challenges, and because of this, it is going to be surprise when they end up with someone who is not even aware of their challenges, let alone willing to work through them.
The reason this kind of dynamic takes place can be due to the fact that self-awareness is something that one experiences through using their neocortex. However, when it comes to the kind of people they attract, it is often more about what is taking place in their body than it is their mind.
While one can have a good level of self-awareness, they might feel also feel as though they are worthless. And even though they are in different place to the other person when it comes to how aware they are; when it comes to how they feel about themselves, they can be coming from the same place.
The person who is aware can be in touch with their shame, and the person who is not aware can be disconnected from their shame. They are both likely to be in position where they are carrying toxic shame, and all the time this is the case, it is not going to be possible for them realise their inherent value.
The difference here is that if one has a certain level of self-awareness, they are more likely to reach out for support. Whereas, the other person is not as likely to do this, and this is because they are likely to project their disowned parts onto others and to see them as problem.
In order for one to let go of the toxic shame that is within them, it will be important for them to seek external assistance, and this can come from a therapist and/or a support group. This is likely to be a time where one faces their toxic shame until the charge begins to discharge, and they may also have unmet childhood needs to mourn.
Oliver JR Cooper
Oliver JR Cooper
Author, Transformational Writer, Teacher & Consultant - With Over 2,000,000 Article Views Online.
That which is contained within these articles is based on my own empirical understanding and is true for me at the time they were written. However, as I continue to grow, what I perceive as the truth will inevitably change and as a result of this - parts of these articles may not reflect my current outlook.