What someone may find, that’s if they were to get into a relationship, is that they start to lose touch with who they are. So as the weeks and months go by, they will be nothing like they were in the beginning.
Or to be more precise, they will be nothing like the person they were when they first met this person. As a result of this, their life is also likely to be very different to how it was before. Part of It Of course, it is going to be normal for one to change and for their life to change when they are in a relationship. Yet, even though this will happen, there is naturally a big difference between there being a change and one becoming someone else and for their whole life to change. If one was to take a step back and to reflect on what has taken place, they could struggle to understand what is going on. They might not recognise themselves any more or the life that they lead. At The Start So, when they first met this person, it would have been normal for them to listen to their own needs and to do things that were in alignment with them. What this means is that one would have had a good connection with their inner world. Through having this connection, their life would have been an expression of who they were. Or if their life wasn’t how they wanted it, a lot of it would have been a reflection of how they wanted it to be. After A Little While After a few weeks or months, one may have started to do what they could to please their partner. Along with this, they may have done what they thought would please their partner. Therefore, instead of being aware of what was taking place inside them and what was going on around them, they would have been out of touch with what was taking place inside them. This would have meant that they were neglecting themselves and putting their partner’s needs first. A Positive Experience However, as they were so caught up in doing what they could to please their partner, they probably wouldn’t have realised that they were neglecting themselves. Furthermore, this may have been something that felt good. Through being easy going and happy to go along with what their partner wanted, they would have most likely received a lot of positive feedback. What was good at one point would then have turned into something bad at another. One Outlook If one wasn’t able to step back and to see that they played a part in what took place, they could see themselves as a victim. The other person would then have taken advantage of them. Coming to this conclusion would allow them to feel good, at least for a short while, but what it probably wouldn’t do is allow them to change their life. Thankfully, they won’t have fallen into this type of thinking. Getting To the Root The first thing that one could look into is why they felt the need to focus on their partners needs and to ignore their own. If this hadn’t of taken place, there would have been no reason for them to lose themselves. And even if their partner had wanted them to do this, they would have been able to assert themselves. They would have been two separate people before they got into a relationship and there was no reason for them to merge with the other person once they got into one. Going Deeper The fact that one was happy to please their partner, while completely disregarding themselves in the process most likely shows that not doing so was seen as something that would put their survival at risk. This is not to say that this was something that went through their conscious mind. Nonetheless, part of them would have believed that they had to do what this person wanted in order to survive. This part of them could be seen as their child self or inner child. Two Experiences So although their conscious mind would have seen this person as just someone who they were attracted to, their unconscious mind would have seen them as a caregiver. What this may show is that it wasn’t safe for them to express their true-self during their early years. Many years will have passed since that stage of their life, but the child they once were will now live inside them. To this part of them, the only way that it will be able to survive will be to ignore its own needs and to do what other people want. Awareness As one is an adult it obviously isn’t necessary for them to please other people to be able to survive, but until they start to resolve their inner wounds, it will be a challenge to accept this at the core of their being. Until this takes place, this part of them will continue hijack their conscious mind and make it hard for them to listen to themselves. If one can relate to this, and they want to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided by the assistance of a therapist or a healer.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
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Nowadays, it is not uncommon for someone to be told that they need to ‘stay in the moment’, ‘be present’ or to ‘live in the now’. Experiencing life in this way is often seen as the answer to most of life’s challenges.
Now, there is no denying that life is going to be a lot harder for someone if they spend an endless amount of time thinking about what will happen and what has happened. They will rarely live in the now, there only point of power. Empowered Through living in the now, then, one will be able to embrace their power and this will give them the chance to live a fulfilling life. What happened in the past won’t consume their life and what might happen in the future won’t either. This will also provide them with far more energy than they would have if they spent most of their life somewhere else. Instead of leaning forward or back, one will be upright. A Heavy Weight If they were constantly leaning back and forth, into the past and present respectively, their mental and emotional health would suffer. Getting caught up in the past could cause them to get angry and sad. On the other hand, getting caught up in what might happen in the future could cause them to experience a lot of fear and anxiety. Living in the now is clearly going to be a far better way for them to experience life. The Solution When it comes to being able to live in the moment, there might be something that one will need to do. To be able to embrace the moment, they may need to mediate on a regular basis. What this will do is allow them to develop an observer self - a part of them that won’t get caught up in what is taking place in their mind. This part of them will then be able to notice their ‘monkey mind’ and not to get caught up in it. A Process Naturally, one probably won’t be able to stay present after just a few mediation sessions and, even after they have been doing it for a while there will still be moments when they leave the present moment. This is just how it is and one doesn’t need to have a go at themselves for it. In a way, mediation is not different to learning just about anything else. Whether it relates to learning how to drive a car or to cook, for instance, it can take a while to become competent and even then, mistakes can be made. The Key Another way of looking at this would be to say that one’s thoughts will be the problem and, by no longer getting caught up in them, their life will slowly be transformed. Therefore, even if one didn’t meditate, they could still use something like CBT to become more present. It will be all about their mind and the sooner that they get that part of them under control, the sooner their life will change. This can be seen as a relatively simply process, one that just about anyone can follow. A Closer Look However, although it can appear to be all about the mind: what if it is not just about the mind? What if the reason someone’s mind is so obsessed with the future and endlessly goes over the past is because of what is taking place in their body? Could it be that this part of them is crying out for their attention and this is then why their mind is so active? If their body is carrying a lot of pain, it is probably not going to go anywhere until they take the time to acknowledge it. Another Type of Repression Still, what one can do by meditating and changing their thoughts is to disconnect even further from the pain that is held in their body. By putting in so much energy to keep this part of them at bay, it will have become even more estranged from their conscious mind. One can then come to believe that they are transforming themselves; when in reality, they will simply be pushing their pain deeper into their unconscious mind. The gap between their conscious and unconscious mind will then become even wider. A Similar Experience In the same way that an emotionally unavailable parent won’t respond to their child’s cries, one will respond in the same way to the cries of their body. Another way of looking at this would be to say that their inner child will be crying out for them. For one to change their approach, they will need to change how they perceive what is taking place inside them. Thus, instead of thinking that their mind is simply out of control, they can think that their mind is out of control because their body is carrying a lot of pain. A Warning Just as a light might flash when something isn’t right, their mind will be ‘flashing’ to tell them that something in their body is not right. Still, the only way that one will be able to do anything about this is if they stop believing that their mind is just playing up – like a TV that malfunctions for no reason. Talking of TVs, one way to describe the mind would be to say that it is like a TV and the body is like a DVD Player. What this means that the mind (TV) is displaying what is taking place in the body (DVD player). A Few Factors Their mind will tell them about what is taking place in their body, but if they try to ignore the information that it provides by mediating or by trying to change their thoughts, they won’t be able to utilise this information. And when it comes to why emotional pain/trauma in the body is largely ignored, there are at least three reasons. Firstly, the minds need to avoid pain has undoubtedly played a part in why it is often believed that it is all about the mind. Secondly, the belief that our thoughts always create our feelings has drenched the modern day world, and thirdly, the view that simply observing the minds reactions is the way to experience deep healing. Awareness If someone can see that they are carrying a lot of baggage in their body, and they want to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided by the assistance of a therapist or a healer. During this time, they might end up working through deep emotional wounds that go back to their childhood years. By doing this work, they may find that their mind starts to settle down all by itself and is no longer so concerned with the past or the future.
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What one may have come to see is that their parent wasn’t emotionally available during early years and, now that they are adult, this parent is no different. As a result of this, the pain that they experienced as a child could continue to this day.
It then won’t be a case of what took place is in the past and now their parent is actually available, allowing them to put this stage of their life behind them. No, what took place will still be going on. Stuck In a Nightmare Irrespective of whether someone is in their twenties, thirties, forties, fifties or older, they will have most likely had enough of this pain. In addition to this pain, they will have also had enough of experiencing life in this way. What they went through as a child would have been enough, without having to going through a similar experience again now that they are an adult. Both of them will be older, but the relationship that one has with their parent could be very much like the one they had many years ago. Not There When they were a small child, this parent may have been physically there, but that would have been as far as it went. Consequently, one may have felt invisible around them and as though they didn’t even exist. If there were times when this parent was actually there, it might not have been long before they soon disappeared again. Either way, ones parent would have been physically there, but they wouldn’t have been able to get emotionally close to them. Neglect What may have taken them a while to understand that their early years were not healthy was the fact that their parent (or parents) was around and may have even brought them plenty of ‘things’. This would have caused them to believe that they were not neglected. Fortunately, however, they would have come to see that even though their parent was around, they were still neglected. Still, it may have taken them a little while to come to terms with this and they could still have moments when part of them tries to deny it. Overlooked So, while their parent may have been around, this parent wouldn’t have been able to meet most of their developmental needs. Their need to be loved, seen, heard, accepted, and approved of and many others, would have rarely, if ever, been met, Thanks to this, their physically body would have most likely grown, yet their emotional self would have probably stayed in an undeveloped state. This would also mean that their sense of self would have remained undeveloped too. Still Searching While this parent wouldn’t have been able to give them what they needed at this stage of their life, and still won’t be able to do so now that they are an adult, part of them is still going to be looking for what they didn’t get all those years ago. If one is unable to detach from this part of them and to observe it, they could believe that their adult self is the part of them that wants things from their parent. This is not the truth, though, as their adult self most likely won’t need anything from this parent. What his emphasises is how important self-awareness is as this will be part of what allows them to move forward. The Truth Ultimately, it is highly unlikely that one’s parent will suddenly become emotionally available and start to be there for them. And even if this was to take place, their pain that they experienced through not having their needs met as a child is not simply going to disappear. In order for them to accept that their parent is not going to change, and to no longer expect anything from them, they will probably need to work through their unmet childhood needs. This is what is likely to stop them from trying to get blood out of a stone, which is what they will be trying to do by trying to get their parent to actually be there for them. Going Deep Getting in touch with how they really feel and facing this pain won’t be easy, but it will be a big part of what stops them from looking to this person to provide what they are unable to provide. If they were to try to face this pain by themselves it could be too much for them to handle, so they may need to reach out for external support. During this time, one will start to get in touch with how they feel and to go where they wouldn’t go by themselves. A therapist or a healer, for instance, will hold the space for them. A Long Road Ahead In an ideal world perhaps, one would be able to work through all their unmet childhood needs in one session or one weekend. This would then allow them to get back to living their life. There is not going to happen, with this being something that takes a number of years. Furthermore, this is not a linear process, so one can have moments when they feel worse, but as long as they keep working through their pain, their life will gradually change for the better. Awareness It will be important for one to focus on the fact that they don’t deserve to suffer and to realise what they went through wasn’t their fault. Their life will change as long as they do what they need to do and keep going.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
It has been said that human beings have a strong need to form deep and meaningful connections. These are then not the type of connections where only surface level things are spoken about and an emotional distance is kept.
With this type of connection, someone will share what is taking place in their mind, their heart and allow themselves to be vulnerable, and the other person will do the same thing. Neither of them will keep an emotional distance, thereby allowing them deeply connect to each other. One Area Now, this is something that someone can experience when they are in a relationship with someone, but this is not the only type of relationship where something like this can be experienced. And if it was, one would end up expecting a lot from their partner. Not only can one experience this with their partner, they can also experience it with their friends, family and even their colleagues. The connection that they have with these people will strengthen them in a number of ways and one will most likely strengthen the people in their life through being there for them. A Distant Dream However, although these kinds of connections are so important when it comes to someone’s mental, emotional and even physical wellbeing, there are plenty of people on this planet that don’t experience deeper connections with others. It could be said that there will be at least two experiences that someone can have when this is the case. On one side, this can just be what is normal, meaning that they won’t even be aware of the fact that they don’t a have deeper connection with others. Connecting at a deeper level with someone else is then not going to be something that crosses their mind. A Big Price to Pay Yet, even if this is the case, they are not going to be able to avoid the consequences of experiencing life in this way. For example, they could have moments when they feel down and even lonely, but they could soon end up disconnecting from this pain. The feelings will be there to tell them that something isn’t right, but they won’t pay attention to this information. They may have a number of ways to keep their pain at bay and to make themselves feel better. Another Experience On the other side, experiencing life in this way could be incredibly frustrating as one could be in tune with their need to form deeper connections with others. The fact that they are not able to connect with anyone deeply is then going to consume their mind. This could still be what is normal but it won’t be something that they are comfortable with. Due to how long their life has been this way for, one could believe that there is absolutely nothing that they can do to change their life. Powerless Through having this outlook, it is not going to be a surprise if they have a victim mentality. Their life won’t be how they want it to be and they will believe that they can’t to do anything about it, so this is to be expected. Even if they do have close friends, for instance, they might not have been able to get close to a romantic partner. What they want to experience will have always been just out of their reach. Two Parts If they were able to take a step back and to reflect on why they experience life in this way, what they may end up finding is that this is what feels comfortable. On one level, they will want to get closer to another person but, on a deeper level, they will fear getting close to another person. What they could do, after they have come to see this, is to do some research online and to see what is going on. This could be a time when they will come to see that they have a fear of intimacy. Moving Forward To their unconscious mind/body, getting close to another person is then not going to be seen as something positive; it will be seen as something negative. In fact, it can be seen as something that is a threat to their very survival. One could come to believe that they just need to face this fear and to allow themselves to get close to others. It could be as though what they fear has no basis in reality, which is why they just need to go through it. Another Approach This may work or what one may find is that they end up being overwhelmed by fear and even end up shutting down when they try to get close to others. One could be told that this will no longer happen if they change their thoughts and work on their beliefs, for instance. One may find that this is the case; then again, one might get a sense that they need to do something else. As a result of how long they have avoided intimacy for and how much fear arises when they try to get close to someone, it could be clear that there is more to this than just what is taking place up top. In The Body What this may show is that they are carrying a fair amount of trauma in their body, with this being the reason why it is not possible for them to get close to others. When this does happen, all the pain inside them will be triggered and end up overwhelming them in the process. When this takes place, it may seem as though their life is going to come to an end. This could be a time when they experience anxiety, fear and even terror, and their whole body could tighten up or go into fight or flight more. What’s going on? One might find it hard to understand what is going on, especially as getting close to someone should feel comfortable. Still, if one was able to get in touch with what took place during their early years, it might make complete sense. During this stage of their life, they may have experienced some kind of abuse and/or neglect. This wouldn’t have been a time when they felt safe, secure and loved; it would have most likely been a time when they often felt overwhelmed and as though their life was going to end. Protection To deal with all this pain, they would have had to disconnect from how they felt and they might have even armoured themselves. Building a wall around themselves would have allowed then to survive. For their life to change, one will probably need to resolve the trauma that is being held in their body and mind. As this takes place, their three brains (thinking, emotional and survival) will start to settle down and the wall that they have built to protect themselves will start to come down. Awareness This is something that can take place by using something called somatic experiencing or TRE. Naturally, their life won’t change overnight but it will change providing they keep going and don’t give up on themselves.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
In some people’s eyes, it is someone’s formative years that will have had the biggest effect on what they are like. For others, someone’s DNA that will have had the biggest effect on how they turned out.
There are then those that believe that it is not one or the other, it is actually both. The DNA that they were born with and what their early years were like are then going to be what has defined what they are like as an adult. Another Perspective To others, there are going to be other factors that define what someone is like as an adult. For someone like this, what could also be seen as playing a part is what they went through in a past life. It might be hard for the average person to accept, though, as it is generally believed that human beings only have one life. Reincarnation is not something that is widely accepted. Far More Acceptable Another viewpoint that some people have is that what someone is like as an adult is influenced by what their ancestors went through. Ancestral trauma is then going to be seen as something that has a big effect. While past life trauma is not something that is likely to be found in the mainstream media, ancestral trauma is something that has been written about on a number of occasions. Thanks to this, more and more people are starting to accept that ancestral trauma is real, as opposed to something that only wacky people on the fringes of society accept. Stuck One reason why someone would find about this, other than finding out about it in a paper, is that they may have only got so far by working through their childhood issues. Looking into why this was would then have caused them to change their outlook. They will have come to see that what is holding them back is not something that they themselves went through, but what another family member went through. This could be a parent, grandparent or it could go back ever further. Too Much To Handle The reason why something has been passed down to them is probably because an ancestor was unable to process what they went though. It could have been something that was extremely traumatic or just something that they were unable to deal with. Either way, this pain would have been passed down, along with other pieces of information. So if one has always felt sad or experienced a lot of fear and they can’t see how any of this connects to what they have been through in this life, finding out about ancestral trauma will shed light on what is going on. Final Thoughts There are many different ways for someone to heal ancestral trauma. One technique that can be used is something called family constellation therapy. Another way that this can take place is for someone to develop a certain amount of presence and to be able to hold space for themselves. This will allow them to go back in time and to feel and acknowledge what their ancestors were unable to resolve.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
When it comes to someone’s truth, this could be seen as their thoughts, beliefs, feelings and what they sense, among other things. It is then something that relates to what is actually taking place inside them.
In other words, this will include the things that are part of their own experience on this earth. So through being aware of what their ‘truth’ is and allowing this information to influence their life, it will probably allow them to lead a fulfilling life. Connected The reason for this is that this information will enable them to express who they are and, therefore, to live in a way that is in alignment with who they are. What this comes down to is that another person is not going to know what is right for them. This doesn’t mean that they can’t give them guidance, but when it comes to what they need to do to live a fulfilling life; one will need to listen to themselves. Their truth will be inside them, not outside of them. In Tune Having this connection to themselves is also going to allow them to form deep and authentic relationships with others. This will partly take place by opening up about how they feel and being honest. If they don’t want to do something or if something doesn’t feel right, they will be able to make this clear. Being this way will prevent them from doing things to please others and endlessly compromising themselves in the process. Showing Up Ultimately, not just their physical body is going to show up around others, their inner self is also going to show up around them. If they didn’t have this connection with themselves, it might be normal for only their physical self to show up. There are going to be two parts to this, though; on one side will be the connection that they have with themselves and, on the other, will be the fact that this is what feels safe. If this second part wasn’t in place, it would be a lot harder for them to express their truth. The Foundations By feeling safe in their body, expressing who they are is not going to be seen as a threat to their survival. If one has been this way for as long as they can remember, they might find it hard to understand why this wouldn’t feel safe. And even if they have had moments when they haven’t felt safe, it could still be hard for them to get their head around this. They could believe that there is no reason for them not to express their truth. A Different Scenario However, although it might be hard for someone like this to understand why they would need to hide their truth, there are going to be plenty of people that have a strong need to hide their truth. For someone like this, they might not know what it is like to experience life differently. As a result of this, they are generally going to keep their truth to themselves. At the same time, what is taking place inside them could typically be a mystery, with them being primarily focused on what is taking place externally. Disconnected So regardless of whether they are generally out of touch with what is taking place inside them or not, they are not going to listen to the information that is inside them. When it comes to what they do each day, it could be a reflection of what other people want them to do. Their life is then not going to be in alignment with who they are and what truly matters to them. The life that they lead may allow them to receive a fair amount of approval, but it probably won’t be a life that allows them to feel alive. Out of Tune Through being disconnected from themselves, it is unlikely that they will be able to have deep and authentic relationships. Instead, they may typically hide how they feel, their needs and what is going on in their head. Going along with what another person wants, even if they don’t want to, can then be the norm. Living in this way is going to mean that one will be used to being walked over and even violated. Hiding Ones physical body is going to show up around others, yet their inner self is rarely going to show up - the part of them that relates to who they really are. This will need to change in order for one to live a life that is worth living. If one was able to step back and to reflect on how long their life has been this way for, they may see that it has been this way for a very long time. When they think about expressing their truth, they might end up experiencing a lot of fear. Back In Time What this may show is that during their early years, it wasn’t safe for them to express their true-self. If they asserted themselves or expressed their feelings, they may have been harmed and/or abandoned. Keeping their truth to themselves and putting on an act would then have been a way for them to survive. Disconnecting from themselves would have set them up to suffer as an adult, but this would have been the last thing on their mind. Awareness To move forward, they will need to question the beliefs that they formed during this time, heal the emotional wounds that were created, and to resolve the trauma that they experienced. This is something that can take place with the assistance of a therapist or a healer.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
If someone heard a loud bang, they could end up experiencing a strong reaction. Their whole body could end up freezing and they could stop breathing, that’s if their breathing doesn’t become very shallow.
Before long, they could end up getting out of this state and going to see what exactly took place. This doesn’t mean that they will be completely at ease at this stage, but they won’t be so paralyzed with fear that they are unable to move or to breath. Back To Normal What they could end up seeing is that something has fallen over or there has been a car nearby that has blown up. Irrespective of what it is, once they have seen what has taken place they should be able to settle down again. When it comes to how they usually experience life, they could typically breathe into their stomach and feel calm, know what it is like to experience joy, to feel free and to think clearly. This will show that they are able to operate as a whole human being. Inner Harmony Their survival brain is going to kick in when it needs to but it won’t be hyperactive, which will allow the other parts of their brain to work properly. As a result of this, they will be able to feel but they generally won’t be overwhelmed by this part of them. Along with this, they will be able to use their thinking brain to from conclusions and to plan things, amongst other things. This part of them typically won’t be out of control, thereby preventing them from having an overactive mind. A Fulfilling Life Having a mind that serves them as opposed to a mind that controls them is going to make their life a lot easier than it would be otherwise. Furthermore, being able to feel without being overwhelmed will give their life depth and meaning. Also, this part of their being will provide them with guidance and a sense of wholeness. So as their brain and body is working in the right way, they will be able to embrace the life that they have been given. A Positive Impact Being in tune with how they feel will mean that they are able to experience deep and fulfilling relationships. This is because they will be able to connect with people at a deeper level. When it comes to moving forward and going after their goals, the discomfort that they experience is unlikely to overwhelm them. Their survival brain might not be as calm as it usually is but it won’t get so worked up that they are unable to take action. The Ideal What is clear is that if everyone on this planet had a brain and body that was working in a harmonious manner, the planet would be very different. The inner harmony would probably lead to an outer harmony. There wouldn’t be so much conflict inside so many people’s beings, so perhaps this would take away their need to create so much conflict in the world. The fact that there is so much chaos externally is surely a sign that there is a lot of chaos taking place internally. A Different Reality Anyway, when someone doesn’t experience inner harmony, it is likely to show that their brain and body is not working as it should. Consequently, it can be as if they are in an environment where there are loud bangs going off all the time. Whether they are on dry land or not, it will be as though they are all at sea; they will rarely feel relaxed or experience inner peace. This will mean that they will typically breathe into their chest, meaning that they won’t have the tendency to breathe properly. A Stressful Existence Thinking clearly will often be hard, with them having a mind that is basically overactive most of the time. As for their emotions, this part of them will generally be anything but settled. Going down further to their reptile brain, this part of them will be reacting as though they are literally in a war zone. In addition to the adrenaline that they experience, there will be a lot of anxiety, fear and even terror. The Root This part of their being will be the part that is stopping the other parts of their being from functioning properly. Instead of having the ability to respond to a threat when there is a threat, one will be responding as though their survival is constantly under threat. This will be bad for their health and it will make it hard for them to live a life that is worth living. Getting close to others could be seen as being too much of a risk and going after their dreams, and getting uncomfortable, could be seen as being far too dangerous – their main priority will be to survive. What Is Going On? At one point in time, there is a strong chance that one experienced something incredibly traumatic. Yet, although this point in time has passed, their being is still responding as if it is still going on. If one has been this way for as long as they can remember, it could show that they were abused and/or neglected during their early years. This would have been a time when they experienced hell on earth. Awareness What they needed was to feel safe, secure and to be loved, but this wouldn’t have taken place. It won’t matter how many years have passed since they were a child as the trauma that they experienced will have stayed inside them. This trauma probably won’t be resolved by changing their thoughts or focusing on their emotions. In the same way that animals shake of their trauma, one may also need to shake their trauma off. There are a number of ways that this can take place. One way is through something called TRE; another way is through something called Somatic Experiencing.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
Although some men are able to form healthy relationships with women, there are others that are unable to do so. There are, of course, a numbers of reasons as to why this is.
For those that are unable to do so, it can be because they lack confidence or are emotionally disconnected. Then again, it can be because they have a fear of intimacy and don’t feel comfortable getting close to a woman. Another Reason Alternatively, it can be due to the fact that they are too close to their mothers. As a result of how close they are to this person, it won’t be possible for them to form an emotional connection to a woman. When a man experiences life in this way, getting close to a woman will most likely feel wrong. What should feel normal is then going to feel abnormal, preventing him from being able to form a healthy relationship with a woman. Two Parts Sharing his body and even his mind with a woman won’t be an issue; what will be an issue is sharing his heart. The unhealthy emotional attachment that he has formed to his mother will be sabotaging his life. Still, this doesn’t mean that a man like this will just be able to break this attachment and to move on with his life. Even if he wants to, it could take many, many years of serious therapy before this takes place. Not a Surprise However, as this attachment would have been formed during his formative years – a time when he was incredibly vulnerable and powerless – this is to be expected. There wouldn’t have been anything that he could have done during this phase of his life to protect himself and to put an end to what lead to this unhealthy attachment. To move forward, there will be the beliefs that were formed during this time that will need to be brought to the light and questioned, the emotional pain and trauma that will need to be worked through and, while all this is going on, the man will gradually be able to develop boundaries and to form a sense of self. Ultimately, the man wouldn’t have received what he needed to be able to develop in the right way, which is why a lot of rebuilding work will need to take place. Very Confusing After a man has come to see that he is too close to his mother, he may wonder why this attachment developed. He could think that his mother was just supposed to give him what he needed to develop, not to make him into her partner. What is clear is that his mother most likely won’t have been able to see him as an individual. Instead, she would have probably seen him as someone who was there to take care of her own needs. Role Reversal Thus, his mother wouldn’t have been able to be there for him during this incredibly important time in his life. Her needs would have been seen as being far more important than her child’s needs. As a boy, the man would have had to disconnect from his own needs and to do what he could to fulfil his mother’s needs. This wouldn’t have been something that he consciously chose to do, it would have just happened in order for him to survive. Going Deeper Now, this could show that his mother was single at this stage of his life, with this being the reason why she expected so much from him. At the same time, this could have been a time when she was in a relationship with his father or another man. Regardless of whether there was another man around at this time or not, there is the chance that she had issues when it came to forming intimate relationships. Ergo, through not being able to form healthy attachments, she ended up using her son to meet some of her unmet needs. An Unconscious Process This is not to say that she was consciously aware of what she was doing as this most likely took place without her even realising what was going on. Even so, opening up to another adult wouldn’t have felt comfortable, hence why she looked towards her son to do some of the things that another adult should have done. As her son was completely dependent on her and powerless, she would have been able to stay in control and to keep her own fears at bay. She wouldn’t have had to worry about him getting too close or pulling away, and if he did try to pull away, she would have been able to use fear and guilt to keep him close. Even Deeper The reason why she had trouble forming a healthy relationship with another man may have come down to the fact that she had been in a number of dysfunctional relationships. Opening up to a man would then have felt like too much of a risk. It could go a lot deeper than this, though, as her own father (or mother) may have used her in the same way that she used her son. This would have been a time in her life when she experienced emotional incest, causing her to disconnect from herself and to form an unhealthy emotional attachment to this caregiver in the process. From One Generation to Another As is the case with her child, this early experience would have conditioned her to believe that it was wrong for her to form a relationship with another man. Therefore, the only way for her to stay loyal to this caregiver would have been to stop this from taking place. For whatever reason, she wouldn’t have become aware of this and done what she could to make sure that she doesn’t treat her child in the same way. Thanks to this, history will have repeated itself. Awareness If the man was to bring all this up to his mother, that’s if she is still around, she could deny it. This may illustrate that she simply can’t remember what took place or that she has at least one personality disorder. Either way, the priority will be for the man to do what he needs to do to emotionally break away from his mother and to live his own life. The assistance of a therapist, healer and/or a support group will probably be needed.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
When someone has a strong need to please others, it is going to be difficult for them to express themselves. Their main priority will be to do what they can to do what other people want and what they think they want.
Therefore, instead of being aware of what their needs are and doing what they can to fulfil them, they will neglect themselves. It then won’t matter that they are an individual with their own needs and feelings, amongst other things, as they will act as though they are an extension of others. Different Parts There are likely to be times when they feel frustrated and even angry, but living in this way is likely to be what feels comfortable. The part of them that doesn’t want to live in this way is not going to be strong enough to exert an influence on their life. This part, the part of them that will be active when they get frustrated and angry, for instance, will need to get stronger in order for their behaviour to change. The part of them that has the need to please others will be a lot stronger, and this part will be in control of their life. Inner Conflict When they do feel frustrated and angry, they might not look too deeply into why this is. So before long, they could end up covering up how they feel and doing what they can to please another person. If they do look into what is going on and come to understand why they feel the way that they do, they could still go back to how they were. They may believe that there is nothing that they can do about it. It can’t be silenced This part of them is there to notify them that they are going against themselves, but one won’t do anything with the information that they are given. And until one changes their behaviour, it will continue to speak to them whenever it gets the opportunity to do so. One way of looking at this part would be to say that it represents their true-self. It won’t matter how long they have lived in this way for or how many more years pass, this part of them won’t disappear. The Same Old Story Once this part of them has settled down, they will go back to being a chameleon. Expressing who they are and fully showing up won’t be on their mind; what will be on their mind is adapting themselves so that they don’t displease others. Now, there is no doubt that having to the ability to adapt is an important ability when it comes to surviving and even thriving. But as one has the tendency to do this, it is not going to serve them. One Area When it comes to their career, that’s if they have one, they might do something that doesn’t really interest them. That doesn’t mean that they won’t be good at what they do, but what they do might not be in alignment with who they really are. Another thing that they will probably struggle with is speaking up and asserting themselves. It will most likely feel far safer for them to keep their views to themselves and to go along to get along. Another Area When it comes to their close friends and even their partner, if they have one, they could be used to hiding. They might come across as easy going and happy, yet this could depend on who they are with. Some of the people in their life could be pleased that they fade into the background and don’t overshadow them in any way. If this is the case, it could be something that these people are not consciously aware of. Breaking Out If they felt comfortable enough to express their true-self, there would be no reason for them to behave in this way. What needs to happen, then, is for one to look into why this doesn’t feel comfortable and to do what they need to do to change their life. One thing that they could do is to imagine what it would be like to express their true-self and to see what comes up inside them. If they do this, they may find that they experience a fair amount of fear. A Closer Look Something that should feel comfortable is going to feel extremely uncomfortable. If they were able to go deeper and to see why they feel this way, they may find that they have a fear of being abandoned and/or harmed. It is then not going to be a surprise that it is hard for them to express who they are as this is something that will be seen as a threat to their very survival. With so much to lose, hiding themselves will naturally be seen as their only option. What Is Going On? The part of their being that does what it can to keep them alive is going to be in an overactive state. Consequently, even though it is unlikely that they would die if they revealed themselves, this part of them is unable to accept this. The question is why would this part of them be in an overactive state? What this is likely to show is that their early years were a time when it wasn’t safe for them to express themselves. Awareness Many years will have passed since that point in time, but their mind and body will still be carrying the trauma that they experienced. Due to this, their mind is still seeing reality in the same way as it did all those years ago. If one can relate to this, and they want to transform their life, they will most likely need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided by the assistance of a therapist or a healer.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
It could be said that the loss of a loved one is one of the hardest things to experience on this earth. This can relate to a family member, a partner, a friend, and even a pet.
When this takes place, someone can end up being mentally, emotionally and physically floored. It can be as if their whole world has been turned upside down and they could end up losing the will to live. A Different Life What is clear is that their life will have changed and no matter how much they might want it to return to how it was; it is never going to be the same again. But while this is the case, they might not be able to accept this in the beginning. A big part of them could believe that what has taken place is not permanent and that their life will soon go back to how it was. This will be something that their mind will do to stop them from being overwhelmed with pain. A Stage Providing one allows themselves to embrace how they feel from time to time and to grieve, their need to live in denial should start to decrease. What will make it easier for them to handle what they are going through is external support. Talking about what they are going through and about the person that they have lost will assist them. What certainly won’t help them is if they keep it all to themselves and suffer in silence. A Slow Process When it comes to how long it will take until they are able to embrace life again, and even to find their will to live if they have lost it, it can depend on a number of different factors. The state of their inner world and how meaningful their life was before this person passed on can play a part. For example, if they were not in a good way emotionally before this took place and their whole life revolved around this person, it could take them quite some time. They wouldn’t have had strong foundations and all of their eggs would have been in one basket, so to speak. Going With It It could be a matter of years, not months, until they are able to integrate what took place and to live life again. But even when this does happen, it doesn’t mean that they won’t have moments when they feel sad or that they will have ‘moved on’. The other person will live on in their memories and in their heart. What matters here is that they allow themselves to embrace how they feel and to take their time as opposed to denying how they feel and trying to rush this process. A Complex Area If, after many years have passed, one is unable to embrace life and to find meaning again, it could show that something is not right. The years will then have passed but it could be as if they only passed on a few days ago. What one could find is that a big part of them doesn’t want to experience life differently and is holding onto what took place. A smaller part of them is not going to want to forget about the person who has passed, yet they will want to embrace life again. Part of the Human Experience The fact that they do want to embrace life again can be seen as being perfectly normal; after all, loss is part of life. And as loss is part of life, there is going to be no need for someone to stop living after they have lost another person. Of course, this can take place for a while but there should come a point in time when it is no longer the case. One could even think about how they wouldn’t want the people in their life to put their life on hold forever if they had passed on. A Closer Look After taking a step back and seeing that a big part of them doesn’t want to move on, they may find that this part of them has the need to be loyal to the person who passed on. And if they do allow themselves to embrace life again, this part of them believes that they will be being disloyal. In other words, holding onto what took place will be a way for this part of them to show their love to the person who passed on. To this part of them, not doing this will be seen as an act of betrayal and a sign that they don’t love them. Something to Consider If the person who passed did actually love them, it is highly likely that they wouldn’t want them to suffer in this way. What they would probably want is for one to live a good life, even if they wouldn’t want them to forget them. This person would have had to have been incredibly selfish to want one to spend the rest of their time on this earth suffering. If they were able to get through to them now, they might tell them that the best way to show their love for them is to embrace the life that they have been given. Awareness If one can relate to this, and they want to resolve the conflict that is inside them, they may need to reach out for external support. The assistance of a therapist or healer may be needed here. What may help with this is something called family constellation therapy. For one to have got to this point they will have needed to have developed a certain level of self-awareness and now they will be able to take the next step.
If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article, as many others have.
Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk |
Oliver JR CooperAuthor of 26 books, Transformational Writer, Teacher & Consultant. Introductory Consultation
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Disclaimer
That which is contained within these articles is based on my own empirical understanding and is true for me at the time they were written. However, as I continue to grow, what I perceive as the truth will inevitably change and as a result of this - parts of these articles may not reflect my current outlook.
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