When it comes to romantic attraction, it is often said that one is attracted to someone who matches their facial feature in some way. And while there will be couples who do look like each other either in the beginning of the relationship or whose faces will grow to mimic each other’s over time, there will also be numerous relationships where people look nothing like each other.
So this is just one example of where one can be attracted to what is familiar. And in this case, what is familiar is what is primarily going on at a physical level. There is another type of familiarity and this relates to what is going on beyond physical appearances and what is not always visible to the eyes.
This could be described as an emotional familiarity. One is then not necessarily attracted to someone who looks like them; they are attracted to people who will create an emotional experience that feels familiar to them. And this doesn’t have to be an experince that is healthy or functional; it could just as easily be unhealthy and dysfunctional.
Once something has become familiar, the ego mind will cause one to attract and to seek out experiences that reflect this familiarity. And this is because what is familiar, is what is safe to the ego mind. It doesn’t matter if it is benefiting ones wellbeing or not, all that matters is that it is familiar.
This is something Sigmund Freud called repetition compulsion. So one will re-create the same experience over and over again and this is typically done unconsciously and out of one’s awareness. One could constantly end up in certain situations and be attracted to certain people and wonder what is going on and why this keeps happening.
Here, one could feel like a victim and that they have no control or influence over who they attract or who they are attracted to. When one is out of touch with their unconscious mind or the body, it is natural to come to the conclusion that life is just happening randomly and that one is just a bystander.
The conscious mind or the intellect will then create all kinds of stories as to why some people keep showing up or why one is attracted to certain people. So from this position, everything can appear disconnected and have no connection whosoever.
The Forgotten past
And while the mind (conscious mind) can have amnesia when it comes to what happened during ones past, the body (unconscious mind) doesn’t forget and knows only too well what happened. When this disconnection occurs, it is like a bridge that has been broken, but this is not any bridge, it is a bridge that connects two worlds.
Once ones past has been forgotten about and the mind is living in a place of complete amnesia or a mild form of it, what happened before can seem irrelevant and have no importance or impact on what is taking place in ones present life. And this is because it is generally what is going on in one’s body that is manifesting their reality and not what is going on in their mind.
This is the worlds of feelings emotions and this creates the resonance and the energy that defines what one will attract or repel. The mind on the other hand, has ideas about reality and will create beliefs through what it observes, based on what one has attracted or hasn’t attracted into their life.
If what is familiar is not healthy or functional, the mind can come up ideas about why that is, but the answers are not there. Ones awareness has to drop into their body to find the real answers as to why they are attracted to and attract the people they do.
So familiarly is not only something one can have in relation to what enhances their life, it can also be something that could destroy their wellbeing and even their life. It is ultimately neutral and right or wrong, or good or bad, doesn’t even come into it.
And once something is familiar, it can take a lot of work and commitment to change it. At times one can do this by themselves and yet at other times, it can require additional assistance and support.
What is interpreted as familiar by the body as an adult could have been what took place during ones adult years and what happened when they were children or babies. This may have been a one off event that was traumatic or an accumulation of events that were not overly stressful, but as time passed, they were just as traumatic.
And these events would have created a certain emotional experience and these formed a kind of preset for what one’s body would feel comfortable with and see as familiar. So this can cause one to continually end up in situations and to be around people that don’t serve them.
As anything can be familiar and familiar doesn’t have to be healthy, there are numerous examples. And some of these examples can be extremely dysfunctional.
A common example is of someone who is in a relationship with someone who is abusive or who continually attracts people who are. And while this can be an intimate relationship, it can also include friends. This can be the result one of being brought up in a dysfunctional environment and therefore becoming familiar with dysfunction.
Another example is of someone who constantly watches films to do with horror or violence. In recent years, S & M has become part of mainstream culture and a recent book has played a big role in this. Both of these examples could reflect what it was like for this person growing up and while times have changed, the emotional experience is still in their body.
Music is another thing that triggers an emotional experience that can be familiar for someone. Classical music is often peaceful and if one is carrying a lot of trauma or pain, they might choose music that is loud or aggressive, as this reminds them of what it was like during their early years.
These feelings and emotions that were experienced on numerous occasions when one was younger, have stayed trapped in one’s body and are defining what one is attracted to and attracts.
So for as long as they remain in one’s body, ones internal idea of what is familiar will stay the same. But as these trapped feelings and emotions are released from one’s body, ones resonance will change. And through this taking place, who they are attracted to and attract will also change.
This can be done with the assistance of a therapist or a healer who will allow one to face their trapped feelings and emotions and release them.
While we talk to other people in the external world, we are also talking to ourselves in what could be described as the internal world. And this is a dialogue that takes place from the moment one wakes up and until they go to sleep at night.
But in many ways it doesn’t stop there, as one can carry this on when they are asleep. Here, one can have dreams and these can play out the same scenarios and make one feel as they did during the day. So this process can’t be stopped, but fortunately it can be changed.
And although self talk and positive thinking can appear to be the same thing, they are two different things. Positive thinking is something one generally does consciously, where as self talk is something that goes on automatically and without one having to think about it.
This could be something one notices during most moments in their life, or something they only become aware of during certain situations. In is during these situations that one knows exactly what self talk is and if it’s nurturing and kind it won’t be a problem. But if this talk is critical or abusive, it will cause all kinds of problems.
One of the reasons why it is hard to even notice this voice is because it could have been in full force for so long. And so it is not seen as an intruder and as something that doesn’t belong there, it is taken as normal.
It is the only thing one knows and therefore one has nothing to compare it with, in order to see how unhealthy this voice is. Without something to compare it with, one has no way of realising that it is not normal or healthy, it is abnormal and unhealthy.
Now, for someone people, their self talk could be fine and only bring them down on the odd occasion. And there will be others who are fine in some contexts and then ‘beat themselves up’ in others. One could also be in a position where their self talk is disempowering no matter where they are or what they are doing.
So there are many different types of self talk and these can be ones that uplift someone and make them feel relaxed, calm and at peace with themselves on one side of the spectrum. And on the other side, they could lead to one feeling worthless, useless and failure for instance.
While the voices in one’s head can create one set of problems, what adds to this are the feelings that appear as a result. One can then talk themselves into feeling a certain way. And when this process goes on out of one’s awareness, they could just end up feeling down and subdued without having any idea why.
It could something that happens so fast that one thinks it is due to an external reason. And while there could well be an external influence, it is often through how one talks to themselves as a result of what happened that made them feel as they do.
The impact of self talk is far and wide and something that could stop someone from doing many things. One could talk themselves out of going after their dream job or career. And when it comes to talking to some they are attracted to, they could end up talking themselves out of it and not once, but on every occasion.
One could have the desire to buy something or to treat themselves and end up going without what they both need and deserve. To get things wrong form time to time and to make mistakes is part of being human, but this can cause someone to see themselves as a failure.
It has been said that we won’t let others treat us any worse than we treat ourselves. While one can’t know how someone talks to themselves, they can see what they put up with and what they don’t.
So how they let others treat them and how they treat others, is one way of seeing how someone talks to themselves. And how one is spoken to by others can gradually be internalised and become a part of them. If this is positive and empowering it won’t be a problem, but if it’s not, then one could suffer if they are around this person for too long.
This then leads to the reasons why one would talk to themselves in this way in the first place. The kind of people one has spent their time with in their adult life can lead to a healthy inner voice and to an unhealthy one. But the primary influences will be how ones caregivers responded to them and to each other when they were younger.
During ones childhood they will have many, many moments of hearing their caregiver’s voices and come to accept their reactions and responses as normal. And if these early moments were filled with love, support and encouragement on most occasions, then one is likely to be fine.
But if one was around caregivers who were critical, judgmental or shaming in most cases or at certain moments, then one could have grown up to speak to themselves in the same way.
One of the main things here will be to notice what is going on in one’s mind and to start to observe what is taking place. This is the first stage and from here, change can take place. Fortunately self talk is not fixed and can be changed over time.
One way of doing this is to spend time with people who are supportive or loving and through being around them, one can internalise these new ways. And this could be a friend, coach, therapist or through listening to an audio book.
Another thing that might be necessary is to deal with the emotions and feelings that have been trapped in one’s body. Because even though one’s self talk can be trigger how they feel, it could be the other way around. So as one lets go of the feelings and emotions, the mind will also settle down as a result.
When someone goes from one relationship to another, they are often described as having a rebound relationship. And this can takes place within a very short time of one ending and the other beginning; so there is very little time in between each one.
This could be a relationship that has lasted for a matter of months or it could have been one that has lasted for many years. So there is no time limit when it comes to someone having a rebound relationship.
Now, opinion is often divided as to whether they are a good idea or a bad idea. And at first glance, it can be easy to see them as being far from healthy and being nothing more than a way for someone to avoid themselves.
It could be seen as someone building a new house on the remains of an old one; what is left over from the last house is neither cleaned up nor removed. One is simply building a new house on the original ruins. This is going to be a house that has very unstable foundations and is likely to crumble or move at any moment.
All it will take is the slightest bit of bad weather or a heavy object to be placed in a certain area of the house for instance and it will all come crashing down. Similar to how the relationship could come to an end through only minimal conflict or tension.
With the relationship having very little substance, it might not take much for it to come crashing down just like the house. And one could shortly be on their way to finding another rebound relationship.
This could then become a pattern of their life and by going from one person to another; they have very little insight into who they really are without having someone else around. Their whole identity has become dependent on being with another person.
To be by themselves could be something that they fear and as a result of this, they will do everything they can to avoid it. And so it is not too important if the other person is compatible or not, all that matters is that one is not without someone in their life.
Being in a relationship has then become an addiction and something one can’t stop themselves from doing. As soon as they experience any kind of emotional pain they cover it up; by either leaving one relationship for another or going straight into another when it ends.
It is then not really a relationship that one wants or that one is in, it is just a way for them to run away from themselves. What this person probably needs to do is to ‘clear the ruins away’ so to speak.
To get back in touch with themselves and to start again; instead of running away from pain and seeking pleasure all the time. To take responsibility for how they feel and to deal with what is going on within them.
The Other Side
While the above can be true and one can have a rebound relationship for all the wrong reasons, they can also have one for the right reasons. And this is because this is clearly not something that is either black or white.
Although one could have a rebound relationship to avoid themselves, it could end up being a relationship that is healthy and fulfilling and allow them to truly develop as a human being. So even though the remains of the last relationship have not been dealt with by one having a time out; it doesn’t mean that it is being built on unstable foundations.
What is clear is that people grow at different rates and process things differently. There can also be a certain timing to things in life and so another person can appear at just the right time. It could be that while they were in the relationship, they had already emotionally disconnected and started to seek the next one; either consciously or unconsciously.
So physically they were there, but emotionally, they had disconnected. When the other person ends the relationship or when one ends it themselves, they are then ready to go into another.
The drive to avoid themselves is not there, what is there, is the need to find another person who is compatible with who one has now become. One relationship might have completely ended a short while ago and yet it could have partly ended a very long time ago.
On the surface it can look as though someone is acting out of character and engaging in extreme or dysfunctional behaviour, when in reality it is a natural transition. A transition from what no longer reflects who one is, to a relationship that does.
So intellectually, one might doubt what they are doing or become caught up in what other people say about what one should or shouldn’t do, but at a deeper level, one will know it is for the best.
And whether other people agree or disagree with what one does or doesn’t do, is often irrelevant; as the only person that can truly know if it’s for the best is oneself. If one does something to please another, they will be the ones who face the consequences of their actions; the person or people they are pleasing are unlikely to have to face anything.
So one may as well do what is best for them and what will result in the best consequences. And if that means going from one relationship to another, then that is something one will have to do. This is not to say that one should act without care or consideration for others, what it means is that one has to live their truth. And sometimes people will be hurt, whether that is ones intention or not.
Ultimately it comes to self understanding and trusting oneself; to know what one does will be for the best and if it doesn’t work out, then one will be able to handle what happens. Either way, one can learn and grow from the experience.
And if going into another relationship is not the right thing, then it will be important for one to engage in some kind of inner work and to let go of what no longer serves them. This could mean that the one seeks the assistance of a therapist, healer or a coach or reads up on relationships.
While emotions are often seen as a distraction and an inconvenience, they are a vital part of being human. Without them, life would be pretty meaningless and while there wouldn’t be any lows, there also wouldn’t be any highs either.
It would lead to a life that is very empty and although one might be alive, it would be nothing more than a life of simply existing or surviving. So this could be a life that makes one wonder if life is really worth living.
When one goes to sleep, they typically lay on a bed that is comfortable and soft. And this allows them to relax and to have the potential of a good night’s sleep. Their body can connect to the bed, without needing to retract or tense up. Quiet simple, they can let go and just be.
If they were to sleep on concrete or on a wood floor, the experience wouldn’t be the same. Here, one will feel tense, uptight and pain is likely to arise. And if this person was to let go and just be, they will probably feel worse than if they pull themselves together and maintain a closed position.
A Matter Of Degree
This example is, in many ways, what it can be like for someone who is emotionally disconnected. There is not much comfort or pleasure to be had; what there is likely to be is a sense of being cut off and that something is missing. How disconnected one is, will often define how one does or doesn’t experience life.
One could feel disconnected at certain times in their life and so they don’t see it as a problem. It could be seen as a minor issue and so it is overlooked. And there can be other people who feel completely disconnected and it therefore doesn’t matter where they are or who they are with.
So one could come to the conclusion that they are cut off or they could have been in this position for so long, that they are unaware of life being any different.
If emotional development and awareness was part of the education system or society in general, then one would have a way of not only knowing that they are disconnected, but also find it easy to come across solutions to this challenge.
However, as emotions are generally ignored in today’s world, it means that there is rarely anything external that will supply one with the feedback they need to see that something is not right. Through not having this external mirror or catalyst, one can end up coming to the conclusion what what they are going through is how life is and normal.
When it comes to ones physical health, there are plenty of things around to show someone that if they have a certain symptom, that something is not right. But the same approach is not available when it comes to emotional challenges.
One thing that someone can do when they feel emotionally disconnected is to engage in pursuits that will give them an extreme high. The problem is that while these will work, they don’t last and before long one is back to where they started and this could mean one is back to feeling numb once more.
Here could take part in some kind of extreme sports; pushing their body to the limits in order to feel something. Or they could become hooked on going to the gym to feel that rise in their life. Sex is another option that can give one an instant experience of feeling something.
As are tattoos and although getting them done is painful, it allows one to feel something. And there are drugs, drink and food and these all have the potential to give one an emotional high.
When one is not experiencing these highs and artificially getting in touch with their feelings, there is going to be all kinds of consequences that can arise as a result of being emotionally disconnected. One of these can be a disconnection from one’s body and their body can feel separate from them.
So what it does or doesn’t do is then random and out of their control. And along with this physical disconnection, can be the experience of being separate from people and so one can feel alone and isolated. One could find themselves saying yes to things they would rather not do and being in situations they would rather not be in.
Their needs, wants and desires could also be a mystery to them; knowing when they are hungry could be challenge and when they are tired. It could well be possible that they have plenty of friends, but it is less likely that they will have any relationships that are deep or intimate. Relationships are likely to be superficial and without any kind of depth.
And to be out of touch with how one feels will mean that one is oblivious to the effects that their feelings are having. So what shows up in their life and how people respond to them will appear random; because one won’t be able to see the connection between their inner and outer world.
When one lives in their head and is estranged from their body, is a clear sign that one is carrying a certain amount of emotional pain. And that this emotional pain has become trapped in their body.
This could be the result of experiences in their adult life and go back to what happened to them as a baby and a child. And it could have be a one of event that was traumatic or an accumulation of events that while seemingly insignificant at the time, were just as traumatic.
One may have been brought up by a caregiver who was emotionally out of touch with themselves and therefore couldn’t provide the attunement or empathy required to raise an emotionally healthy child.
So as there was no external mirror to validate and regulate how one felt, one had to simply push their feelings and emotions out of their awareness. At that age, one wouldn’t have had the ability to deal with them themselves.
Over time their body would have become a place of pain and living in their head would have provided an escape. But although it enabled one to avoid pain, it also resulted in them being cut off from every other emotion in the process.
The above is a rough guideline of what can happen. These emotions and feelings that have remained trapped in one’s body will need to be released in order for one to regain their connection to their body and to their emotions.
This can be done with the assistance of a therapist or a healer who will allow one to face their trapped feelings and emotions and gradually release them.
It is not uncommon for someone to be told that they should just forgive and forget and simply move on from someone who has wronged them. This can seem to be the most logical thing that one can do; to put it behind them and carry on with their life.
One could be told that they are bigger than what has taken place or that holding onto to what happened will be detrimental to their health and wellbeing. So one might then feel pressured to move on, or at least make other people believe they have moved on to keep them happy.
For others, it could be something that they just go with and don’t force themselves to forgive or to go along with what other people expect them to do. It could be a few days or it could be a few weeks, but this doesn’t matter, as one will embrace what they are experiencing.
One can then deny how they feel and push the whole experience out of their conscious awareness or they can embrace what took place and slowly integrate what has happened and move on.
So while one of the examples above is healthy and the other is not, they both give of the impression that one has moved on. If one came across two people and each one of them chose one of the options above, it might be hard to tell which one had truly moved on and forgiven and which one had not.
The other approach is for one to become one with that they are experiencing and to externalize their pain. Here, one is not the observer of what took place or able to hold what they are feeling, they have become consumed by it.
This is then likely to lead to some kind of violence towards the person or people who have caused one to feel wronged in some way. And there is going to be actions that one can take that are subtle and barely noticeable on one side, to actions that are highly visible on the other.
And just because one is not engaging in external forms of violence, it doesn’t mean that no violence is taking place. As one could be directing the violence against themselves and so while the target may be different, the consequences are still the same.
What can define how one deals with the need for revenge can be factors such as: if one is more of an extravert or an introvert, what their childhood was like, whether they are religious or not and the kind of people they spend their time with.
When the need for revenge arises, it is typically due to someone feeling that they have been harmed or wronged in some way. One could feel that they have been: compromised, betrayed, violated, humiliated and/or abused for instance.
And shortly after these feelings arise, one is likely to end up feeling the emotions that are to do with self protection. Here one can feel anger and as this builds, hate and rage can appear. These factors can then lead to someone wanting to seek revenge.
Stuck In Anger
It is natural for people to say that they don’t want to forgive another and this is often a result of what they believe will happen if they let go off the anger and rage. To do this will leave them wide open to the feelings that are under these emotions and here one will feel vulnerable and without protection.
So to just let go off the anger will not be enough; one will need to face and let go of what is going on at a deeper level, in order to feel safe enough to move on. This is why being able to detach is so important; because if one is stuck in how they feel, they will not be able to see that there is another possibility.
Through the mind holding onto the anger, it can cause one to remain stuck in the need for revenge. And this can then result in one holding on to things that happened many, many years ago. To the mind it won’t be safe to let go, as this could lead to the same thing happening all over again.
If one feels comfortable enough with their emotions or is around people who encourage them to embrace how they feel, then it is less likely that they will hold on.
So in this case, being angry and seeking revenge is not right or wrong or good or bad, it is simply the result of one protecting themselves. And at the time of the wrongdoing, this can be vital to ones survival. However, if one still feels this way after a certain period of time, it could be a sign of avoidance.
As these deeper feelings and emotions that have become trapped are faced and released from a recent event or an event that happened many years ago, one will be able to let go of their anger and the need for revenge. It will no longer be necessary for one to be in this protective mode as they have emotionally moved on from what took place.
To say that one should forgive and forget can sound right, but sometimes, forgiveness is more about what is going on in the body than what is going on in the mind. And therefore, the body needs to be ones focus and not the mind.
If one is still around the people who have wronged them and they haven’t changed, then it might not be a good idea to let their guard down. And in this case, it might be best to no longer have this person in one’s life.
However, in when it comes to people who one know longer sees or do not cause one any problems, it will be important to let go of what has stayed trapped in their body. This can be done with the assistance of a therapist or a healer who will enable one to face their trapped feelings and emotions and release them.
This is a term that is typically heard in the area of spirituality and self development; where someone can feel a bit spaced out and disconnected from the earth. Perhaps one has engaged in some kind of energy healing or spiritual practice. And it can also take place when one been reading for a while or has used a computer for a certain amount of time.
Another description that can relate to someone who feels ungrounded is dissociation. Here, one feels that they are not connected to their body, let alone the earth. And this can be a relatively new experience and therefore noticeable or it can be the only thing they have known and this means they may not even realise it.
So with these different examples taken into account, it shows that one can feel ungrounded during certain moments of their life or as a way of life. And modern day technology can play a part in this, as well as spiritual practices that have been around for years.
If one is around computers and technology a lot or has a job that is highly focused on using their mind for instance, this is likely to be something that comes and goes. At the time they may or may not be aware of what is taking place and simply due to how focused they are at the task at hand. And yet when they get up to go for a walk, or have a break, it will often become clear that they are not in their body.
But before long, this experience will generally have passed and they will return to feeling like a whole human being. This person will know what has taken place and will have experienced it many times before; so there won’t be the need to do anything else.
If this disconnection lasted longer that it normally does or doesn’t go away even after they have stopped doing what they were doing, then it would be necessary to start asking questions.
A Way Of Life
When it comes to feeling ungrounded during each and every day of one’s life, then something is clearly not right. Computers could be used in ones career or as part of one’s life in general, however, they might not even notice that they are in their head, as this may be what it is always like for them. So no matter if they use computers or not, their experience of life is the same.
If one has recently had an experience that pushed them out of their body and caused them to be dissociated, then they might notice what is taking place. This could take a while to realise though, as what happened could be so traumatic that one no longer remembers how things used to be.
And to go even further than this would be the individual that has more or less always experienced life in this way and therefore doesn’t think about there being any other way. It’s like a fish in water; that’s the only thing that is known. As the saying goes ’we don’t know what we don’t know’.
To feel ungrounded on the odd occasion is unlikely to create too many problems. It could be said that feeling ungrounded is a by-product of living in the modern day world; with its reliance on technology. And as nature plays a much smaller role in modern day societies, which are filled with concrete, it can be harder to connect with the earth.
So to live in one’s head and cut off from one’s body is going to occur from time to time, but generally one will soon be back in their body. When this is a way of life and one is always in their head, the consequences can be severe.
There is going to be extremes here and some will be more manageable than others. For some people this could lead to memory loss and not knowing what they did a few moments ago. The mind can create a lot of mental energy and so to be stuck in there can cause one to feel restless; have a short attention span and even be labelled as having attention deficit disorder.
To feel disconnected from the rest of existence can be normal and this will include: people, nature, animals and one’s body. It could be mystery as to what one is feeling and what their needs and wants are. Anxiety could also be an emotion that one is familiar with and experience on a regular basis. Having intimate relationships with others may also be a challenge and all because one is disconnected from their feelings and emotions.
The mind could turn this experience into a story and cause one to feel as though they are from another planet or they could have visions of leaving their body. And there are many other consequences.
For some people, taking a break from what makes them feel ungrounded and spending time in nature may be enough. However, if someone always feels disconnected from their body and the earth, then that is not going to be enough. To feel ungrounded during certain moments is one thing and it something very different to feel ungrounded most of the time.
When something is painful it is natural for one to leave their body and go into their head. This is an act of survival and is not wrong or bad. Trauma is typically described as an experience where one feels powerless and this means that one won’t feel safe enough to go through their feeling cycle. If they could feel what took place, it would allow them to process what happened and move on.
And trauma is not always a big event either; it could be an accumulation of lots of little things that gradually wear someone down. So when one doesn’t feel safe enough to feel their feelings, it is then normal for one to move their awareness into their head. The body becomes an area of pain and something that one will do their best to avoid. So these trapped feelings and emotions are causing one to leave their body and while they are there, one is unlikely to go back onto their body.
So as one releases their trapped feelings and emotions they may find that they return to living in their body and only live in their head when it is appropriate. This might be something they have never experienced before or something they used to experience.
This can be done with the assistance of a therapist or a healer who will allow one to get in touch with their trapped feelings and emotions and gradually release them. As to how long with take will depend on how much of a build up one has in their body.
To be human means that we are emotional beings and there are many emotions that we can have. Shame is one of them and this can stop one from acting in ways that are inappropriate for example. And yet this emotion can also end up taking over one’s life. It is then no longer something that is aiding ones life; it is something that is controlling their entire existence.
This is why shame is often divided into two categories and these are described as: healthy and unhealthy. So when it comes to healthy shame, one may end up feeling shame if they were to go shopping without wearing any clothes.
And when it comes to unhealthy shame, this person would go out shopping with clothes on and still feel shame. For this person it doesn’t matter what they wear or what they do, the feeling is still there.
The feeling could be something that is always there or it could come and go at certain times and all depend on what one is doing. Healthy shame on the other hand, is there to stop one from acting in ways that are not in ones best interests.
Personal And Impersonal
Healthy shame is not something that is personal; it is impersonal and based on what one does. So although one might feel bad after doing something, it won’t be taken to heart and internalised, it will be a feeling that soon passes.
However, unhealthy shame will be taken as personal and not as something one does, but who they are. It is something that has become ones identity and doesn’t disappear after a certain period of time. And no matter how much times passes, the feeling is still there.
Here, one can come to the conclusion that there is something inherently wrong with them and they are completely flawed. There is then very little, if anything, that one thinks they can do to change.
To have this deep sense that one is flawed and different to others has the potential to create all kinds of unpleasant consequences. But just because one feels this way, it doesn’t mean that it will always be noticeable.
It is possible for someone to come across in a way that gives off the impression that they lack believe in themselves and yet it is also possible that someone will behave in a way that causes one to see them as being full of belief and confidence.
Here, one is either getting caught in their feelings of shame or they are avoiding them by creating adaptive behaviours and ways of handling life that are the complete opposite.
When one feels a sense of shame they can also end up passing it onto other people. This is typically something that will go on unconsciously and won’t be something that one is aware of doing. Ultimately, they will do this to regulate how they feel and to give them a short term release from the pain that they are experiencing.
This shame can then be passed onto whoever ones spends their time with. So if one has children, it could end up being passed onto them. If one is a teacher, it could end up being passed onto their pupils. Ones friends or colleagues could also pick it up through being around them in ways that are obvious and subtle.
There will be some people who hold their shame in and don’t pass it onto others. However, one might hold it in during certain moments and express it in others. So one person won’t necessarily be one way or the other; they could be both.
And along with these feelings of shame is going to be certain thoughts and beliefs that one has. These thoughts could be: that one is useless; that they are worthless; that they don’t deserve to exist; that others look down on them; that they are inferior; that they are invisible; that there is something inherently wrong with them and many other thoughts.
It is common for these thoughts to be labelled as the reason why one feels as they do. And that one’s thoughts create their feelings and emotions. So as a result of this outlook, one would change their thoughts and beliefs into something more empowering.
And for some people this will work, but for others it won’t be enough. The reason for this is that these thoughts are often nothing more than a reflection of what is going on in one’s body. It is then no so much that one’s thoughts are creating their feelings, as it is that their feelings are creating their thoughts.
What is going on in the body is often ignored and the mind ends up getting all of the attention. And yet this can be a real mistake and cause one to look for answers in the wrong place. One can then not only end up feeling frustrated and powerless due to nothing changing, but they can also waste a lot of time.
These feelings of shame that reside in the body could have been there due to what happened in their adult years and also be the result of what took place when they were children. As one didn’t get the chance to release them, they will have stayed trapped in one’s body and primarily above their stomach.
There is also likely to be others feelings along with shame that have remained trapped in the body. And the reason they have stayed in the body could be due to a number of reasons.
Perhaps one was brought up by a caregiver who was verbally abusive and so they ended up feeling shame and had no other choice but to hold it in. Or ones caregivers may have become unaware it themselves and end up passing it on through what they didn’t do as much as what they did do.
So while one could deal with their thoughts, the feelings would still be in their body. It might be better to release their trapped feelings and emotions and then their thoughts will naturally change.
This can be done with the assistance of a therapist or a healer who will allow one to face them and then gradually release them.
To have needs is part of being human and this is something that cannot be changed. One might pretend that they don’t have any and yet this is nothing more than a facade and an act of self denial.
And then there can be other people who come across as extremely needy and there is no confusion as to whether this person has needs or not. This is not to say that some people always cover up their needs and others will show them in full; as each person can change depending on the context.
The other dynamic here is when someone has needs and they embrace them for what they are. This means they are nether needy or needless and are comfortable with the fact they have them.
So when someone has lost all contact with their needs or has very little connection to them, this is not much chance they will ever be met. For one thing one doesn’t know what they are and if one doesn’t know what they are - how can anyone else have any idea either.
This is going to lead to a sense of frustration and pain and one is likely to end up feeling powerless. And it is then not so much that other people are not responding to their needs, as much as they are out of touch with them themselves.
There could also be moments when this person does come into contact with their needs and they end up feeling incredibly needy as a result. But before long, they are soon disconnecting once more and putting on the mask of being needless.
In the case where someone is needy, it won’t matter if they are getting their needs met or if they are not; as the same consequences are likely to arise. And this is because these are not like normal needs that can be met and fulfilled.
These are needs that are insatiable and are unable to be fulfilled in most cases. However, if one has become completely consumed by them and enslaved to them, they are not likely to see that they are running on a wheel that never stops.
And just like the person who is generally unaware of their needs, this person could also have moments where they deny them. This will take place on very rare occasions or moments though.
To be comfortable with ones needs and not feel overly needy or attached to getting them met shows that this person is likely to have slightly different needs to the needs of the people above. They could be described as adult needs and these needs can be met and fulfilled by other people and by themselves.
And through not being overly attached to getting their needs met and being able to have their needs fulfilled, support is likely to be there in one way or another. When one is attached to getting their needs met either consciously or unconsciously, it often makes it harder to have them met.
One can then become more attached and then it becomes even harder. The cycle then continues and one can end up feeling trapped and overwhelmed by their needs. Being attached ends up pushing what one wants even further away.
Being overly needy or needless are two sides of the same coin and being comfortable with ones needs and being neither needy nor needless is often a sign of emotional maturity. So while each person is physically an adult, they are not coming from the same place emotionally.
It is not that some people are able to have their needs fulfilled in life and some are not, what it comes down to is how attached someone is and what these needs actually are. Physical growth is something that occurs whether one puts any effort in or not and yet emotional growth rarely just happens. This is something that can take a conscious effort and a prolonged commitment.
The needs of a child and baby are insatiable and need to be met during the right moments. And while one may have physically grown up, at an emotional level, they can still feel as they did during these early years. One then feels like a child in an adult’s body, but if they are not aware of this, they can expect other people to fulfil these needs.
This is not going to be possible though, as other people have their own needs and can’t be expected to fulfil needs that one’s caregiver didn’t meet when they were younger.
So when these needs were not met by ones caregiver, this would have created emotional pain and this would have stayed trapped in one’s body. Perhaps ones caregiver was emotionally unavailable and out of tune with ones needs and so one had to go without getting them met in the majority of cases.
And as they were emotional unaware, they couldn’t mirror or validate how one felt and so one had no other choice but to repress how they felt. Time has then passed, but emotionally it can feel as though nothing has changed.
These trapped feelings and emotions will need to be gradually released from one’s body. And as this takes place, one will see that they were not real needs to begin with and that no one could ever fulfil them. Ultimately one is grieving what didn’t happen in their childhood and as a result of this, they will begin to feel like an adult.
This can be done with the assistance of a therapist or a healer who will allow one to face their trapped feelings and emotions and gradually release them.
There are many different things that make someone human and therefore allow them to have a human experience and one of these things is empathy. This is something one can have for themselves and something that can extend outwards and towards other human beings.
It enables one to mirror another person’s pain and what they are going through emotionally. And while this could be towards another person, it could also go out towards a whole country or an area of a country.
One can also feel a general empathy towards animals and feel what they are going through during their suffering as a result of other human beings or when they are receiving treatment for a wound. So in this sense, one can feel empathy towards just about anything on the planet.
For example, if someone is a tree surgeon or has lived in nature for all or most of their life, they might feel a connection to the trees around them. And so when they see trees being cut down, they might feel a sense of pain or grief at what is taking place.
Now, not everyone on this planet has the same level of empathy: some people connect to what others are feeling, while others can have the same experience, but without the same intensity.
There are also people on this planet who have no empathy whosever. And although some of these people are shut off and unlikely to cause too much harm to other human beings; there are others who are a threat to the people around them and even to the whole planet.
When it comes to these people, they are typically described as psychopaths. People who are extremely narcissistic can also act as if they have no empathy for anyone or anything.
When it comes to people who have empathy or a lack of it, their choice of career can vary. Of course there is going to be the potential for people who have it and those who don’t it to work in the same kind of environments.
However, there is also going to be certain hot spots for people who have it and people who don’t. And some people can feel empathy more towards animals than they can towards humans.
This could cause someone to work with animals and be very caring and loving towards them. However, when it comes to humans, they might be seen as distant and uncaring. And act with a general disdain for the suffering of their fellow human beings.
People with high levels of empathy could be working as a: doctor, nurse, fireman, therapist, charity worker, personal trainer, artist and vet amongst other things.
And for people who have low levels of empathy, they can often be found in the corporate world and committing crimes for instance. But while the actions of a criminal are easily observable, when it comes to what goes on in corporations, it can take a while to be known.
In order for someone to do well in those kinds of environments or to take the life of another, in the case of a recognised criminal, it is rarely in their best interests to feel another’s pain. To make a decision that is the best for the company, regardless of if it will harm a few human beings or a few thousand will be a lot easier if someone can’t feel.
This is why it is often said that having emotional intelligence is rarely an asset in the world of business. Because while it can sound as though it would be; having the ability to make quick decisions and decisions that are in the interest of the company and not the people in it, is often all that matters.
So certain parts of the modern day world are set up to support people who have no empathy. And then there are also areas that: support, nourish and encourage empathy. As the saying goes - the world is made up all of types of people.
Different parts of the body have different uses and while the heart pumps blood around the body, it is also the place where empathy is experienced. And like most things in life, if something is not in balance, it naturally ends up being out of balance. One can have a shower and the water can be just right, but it could also be too hot or too cold.
And when it comes to empathy, the same thing can occur. In this situation ones heart could be closed or it could be wide open. So one can end up having no feeling or they can end up feeling too much.
The heart is where pain is felt and this can include: rejection, abandonment, loss, betrayal and grief. And there are three options that one can choose to take in order to deal with this pain. One is to repress it and to deny that it is there (no empathy); the other is to stay stuck in the pain and to become overly sensitive (overly empathic) and the other is to seek the assistance of a therapist and process the pain (balanced empathy).
How ones deal with their pain will often depend on the environment that they are in. So if one is an adult, it might be possible to seek the assistance of a therapist; that’s if they feel safe enough to do so. On the other hand, if it is a child that is in pain, the option might not be there; as it is not safe enough.
This could be pain that one felt as an adult when they lost a family member or a friend. Or it could be the pain they felt during their childhood and this could have been the result of being emotionally, physically or verbally abused or all three.
And to protect themselves from the pain that they were in, they shut down all feelings and through this process their heart gradually began to close. At the time it wasn’t about one consciously choosing to lose their empathy, it was simply a matter of survival.
Through one being around people who were like this, the only loving thing around them could have been animals. And this can be why some people feel more empathy towards animals than they do to humans.
So these emotions and feelings from the moment or moments that were traumatic remain in their heart and the other organs in their body. And while their heart might be functioning normally at a biological level, its other functions, such as allowing one to feel, are not working.
One is operating in life without it and is no longer a whole human being, they might be responding to life intellectually and through their body’s needs, drives and instincts, but their heart is out of action.
This is not to say that if someone has no empathy it is always because of trapped emotions and feelings. However, if one has an emotional build up within them, a natural consequence of that is to shut down emotionally.
So if one has difficulty showing empathy or has too much, it might be a sign that they have trapped emotions and feelings that need to be released. This can be done with the assistance of a therapist or healer who will allow one to face them and gradually release them.
In today’s world the general approach towards sex has changed and instead of it being something that one engages in after a certain time, it can take place without too much time having passed. And like most things in life, there are pros and cons to this type of behaviour.
For some people, having sex will lead to nothing more than physical pleasure and there won’t be any emotional ties created as a result. And then there will be other people who find it difficult to separate the physical side of things from the emotional.
But at the same time, given the right circumstance, each of these people could end up swapping roles. So someone who usually doesn’t feel anything could end up getting emotionally attached and the person, who usually gets attached, could have an experience that is only physical.
The first person could be said to be more suited for no strings attached relationships and the second person would be more suited to a relationship. But in today’s dating culture, this is not necessarily going to put someone off from going against their true wants and needs.
When the body has the urge, all sense of reason can go out of the window. And unless someone is extremely disciplined and emotionally together for instance, the temptation can be too much to resist.
So when one goes with what their body wants and has what could be described as instant pleasure, their mind and heart can also come to other conclusions about what is taking place.
It could be that one knows a few things about the other person or this could be an overstatement and they might not know anything whosoever about them. And if sex was something that always had no effect on someone, then ones lack of knowledge towards the other would not be a problem.
For the person that simply engages in the physical side of things and then moves on with their life, the consequences are likely to be minimal. But when ones end up getting emotionally attached, there is going to be the potential for so much more to occur.
It is said that when one has sex their brain releases a hormone called oxytocin and what this can lead to is one feeling attached to the other person. And this can create the emotional experience of being in love.
When one is having sex with someone they appreciate and respect, usually their partner, this is going to enhance the relationship. And yet in the case where one knows very little about the other, this can cause all kinds of problems.
Through the brain releasing this hormone and one getting attached to the other person, ones perception of the other person can be inaccurate. So one will not see the other person in a way that is balanced or even accurate, they will see them in way that corresponds with the ideas in their head and emotions in their body.
These will end up being projected onto the other person and even if this person displays clear signs to the contrary, they can often end up being filtered out by the mind. And one is then no longer responding to the reality of the situation, what they are responding to is the internal model they have constructed of the other person.
Now, this internal idea of the other person that is creating the illusion could start to diminish after a short while or it could hang around for quite some time. One is then at the mercy of it and although their intellectual mind might wonder what is going on, their body and heart could be completely caught up in the illusion.
It can all depend on how attached one has become to the other person and what gets projected onto them. And this whole process can be influenced by what is going on for someone at an emotional level.
Because while it could be said that one is being controlled by the chemicals or hormones that their brain is creating and are therefore powerless to what is taking place, they had to be in a certain place emotionally in order to be attracted to this person in the first place or they wouldn’t be in this situation to begin with. And what they are projecting onto the person is often what they have yet to realise within themselves.
It is clear that sex is a biological need and yet this need is also influenced by what is going on for someone emotionally. So one way of avoiding this kind of situation and projecting things onto someone that doesn’t posses them, is to deal with ones emotions.
This might stop one form engaging in sex before they know someone better or it might just lead to them seeing the other person in a way that more balanced. And to be aware of what one is projecting onto another and if these have any basis in reality.
Through realising the effects that hormones and emotions can have, one can decide if having sex straight away is in their best interests or not. One might also decide that they need to dig a little deeper and see what emotions need to be acknowledged, processed and released from within them.
And as this takes place, who one is attracted to and attracts will change, as will their behaviour. As this happens, one will have less to project onto others and this is the result of one owing their own projections. What others can give and what they can’t, will then become more evident.
Oliver JR Cooper
Teacher, Author, Transformational Writer & Consultant - With Over 2,000,000 Article Views Online.
That which is contained within these articles is based on my own empirical understanding and is true for me at the time they were written. However, as I continue to grow, what I perceive as the truth will inevitably change and as a result of this - parts of these articles may not reflect my current outlook.
A Dialogue With The Heart - Part One
A Dialogue With The Heart - Part Two
A Dialogue With The Spirit
Why Does He Behave That Way? Why Do I Behave This Way?