As soon as something ends, there is the chance for something to begin; just as when something begins, there is the chance for something to end. This is the cycle of life, and something that will continue until the time that one passes on. However, this is not something that always takes place and so instead of one being able to let go, they end up holding on. It is then not possible for them to experience a new beginning in their life. One can then end up feeling stuck and while they don't want to stay where they are or for something to continue, they can’t move on or put something to an end. This is naturally going to create conflict and it could cause ones whole life to come to a standstill. Different Areas So on one hand, this could be something that has affected ones whole life and then change is going to be something they avoid at all costs. They are then not moving forward, if anything, they are moving backwards Their life could be similar to the film ‘groundhog day’, where every day is the same and there is not much for them to get out of bed for. On the other side, it could be something that is affecting a certain area of their life and this one area could end up affecting their whole life. The Damage One could be aware of the damage that is being done, or it could be something they have no awareness off. Just as the people around them might be aware of what is taking place and be only too happy to point out what is happening. They could say that one ‘needs to let go’ and how they have no reason to hold on any longer. But regardless of how aware one is or what the people around them are saying, it might not make any difference. Sabotage When one looks at their life and when other people look at it, it could be seen as an example of self sabotage. It is then not someone else who is stopping them from moving forward, it is themselves. Their biggest enemy is the person in the mirror and until this person is able to let go, their life is not going to change. But while this is the case, one can end up being disconnected from the reason why they can’t let go and end believing that it is because of what is taking place externally. Out There This inner disconnection can then cause one to feel like a victim and to believe that the world is against them. One is likely to end up having experiences and meeting people who reflect what is taking place within them. And if what is taking place within them doesn’t change, what is taking place without is unlikely to change either. But even though this is going to cause one to suffer, it doesn’t mean that they are going to be able to bring their point of focus to what is taking place within them. Conflict So on one side is the need to let go and for one to move forward and on the other side, is the fact that something is stopping this natural drive from being fulfilled. Clearly something is not right and one is not experiencing inner harmony. Two Types Of Suffering On one level, there is the suffering that one is experiencing through holding on and on another level, there is the pain that one would have to experience if they were to actually let go. It could be said that the first type of pain relates to the symptoms that have appeared due to one not being able to let go. The pain that is below these symptoms can relate to the emotional pain that one would have to experience if they were to actually let go. The symptoms can last forever and even get worse, whereas the pain underneath the symptoms might be more painful in the short-term, but it won’t last forever. Loss So if one was to let go, they could soon experience a sense of loss, and so holding on stops them from having to experience how they feel. Holding on is then a way for them to keep these feelings at bay, but while it stops them from having to face their pain, it also sabotages their life. And this pain could have been trapped in one’s body for so long, that one is not even aware of it; the only thing they are aware of is the fact they can’t let go. How they feel on the inside is going to define what letting go means to them. Grief One may have had experiences in their adult life and/or during their childhood that caused them to experience loss. And these losses were not grieved; they have done everything they can to keep things the same and to stop anything new or different from entering their life. If something is new or different, it could trigger what pain that is within them and this is going to be interpreted as a threat to their survival by their ego mind. What this shows is how much pain one can be carrying within them and this is why letting go can be incredibly difficult. Awareness So if one can’t let go, it could mean that they need to release the grief that has remained trapped within their body, and this can relate to the loss of a loved one, the end of a relationships and/or unmet childhood need. And along with trapped grief, one could also be carrying the following feelings: hopelessness, helplessness, powerlessness, shame, guilt and death. These feelings can be faced and released with the assistance of a therapist or a healer. If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article. Oliver J R Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk/
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There are pros and cons to most things in life and social media is no different in that respect. It has allowed people to connect to the people they know and are close to and it no longer matters where in the world they are. One no longer needs to remain out of contact with someone for too long and so although they may live in different countries, they can still stay in touch with each other. This could be something that happens every few minutes or every few hours, and it no longer has to be weekly, monthly or even a yearly occurrence. It’s Easier And not only is it easier for people to stay in contact with each other, it has always made it easier for them to speak their mind and to say things they wouldn’t usually say. When one is face to face with another, it is radically different to talking to them on a screen. So this can mean that what would have remained unsaid to another person is now being said. In this sense, it could be said that people have become more honest. One no longer needs to hold back and to keep their views to themselves. Feeling Uncomfortable When it comes to speaking to another person in the ‘real world’, it is easy for one to feel uncomfortable and they can end up saying what they think the other person wants them to say or what is acceptable in the environment they’re in. For example: if one is in a social environment, there are going to be certain expectations and behaviours that are and are not acceptable. Based on this, one might find it hard to be honest and to express themselves. Social Expectations However, while there can still be certain expectations on the internet, they not the same as if one was in a social environment. When one is talking to another person on social media, they have what is going on in their mind, a screen and the responses of the other person. And through being behind the screen, they’re likely to feel a lot safer than if they were face to face with another person. So whether one is being abusive, critical or just expressing how they feel, they are not as vulnerable as they would be if this exchange was taking place in person. Honesty What this shows is how social media has given people the chance to be more honest and to say what they really think, as opposed to saying something else or keeping their views to themselves. But while being honest is often seen as something positive, this is not always the case. This is not something that is black and white and it can all depend on the context that one finds themselves in. At times, it is going to be important for one to keep what is taking place within them to themselves. Think Before You Speak Before social media was around, there was greater pressure for one to think before they opened their mouth. Through thinking, one could reflect on whether it would be appropriate for them to say what is on their mind or to express how they were feeling, for instance. But with social media, this is not something that always takes place and one can end up saying whatever is on their mind. And because it is so easy to do, one can end up feeling as though they are entitled to say whatever they want, no matter how destructive it is. Regression Human beings have a brain and this gives them the ability to think before they act; they don’t need to act on pure impulse or without thought. This gives them the ability to reflect on the impact their behaviour will have on other people and if this will lead to negative or positive consequences. Just as having a conscience and the ability to empathise will allow one to think about the people who are around them and to respect their personal space. And there are going to be times when one will need to keep their views to themselves in order to refrain from harming another person and to respect their right to exist. Being Aware There are going to be moments when ones thoughts and feelings are destructive and have more to do with oneself then what is taking place externally. During these moments, one will need to contain their experience and to take responsibility for what is taking place within them. When one doesn’t contain what is taking place within them and directs their inner experience onto the external world, it is bound to lead to problems. If one is focused on being honest and expressing their views their focus is on themselves and not on other people. Abuse It then doesn’t matter what affect their behaviour might have on other people, the only thing they’re focused on is saying what’s on their mind. And through being behind a screen, one can end up being oblivious to the impact their words are having on other people. Now, if one doesn’t have a conscience, it won’t matter if they are aware or not, as they won’t care. But even if one does have a conscience, they can say what they want without needing to be exposed to the effects their words are having on others. Awareness So there is what is taking place externally and what is taking place internally, and although there are connected, it doesn’t mean that what is taking place externally has caused what is taking place internally. What this means is that it is important for one to own their inner experience, and not become another source of destruction in the world. For if one is in pain, they can own how they feel and get the assistance they need to move through it, or they can direct it towards other people and cause them to suffer. This assistance can be from a therapist, healer, support group or a trusted friend. If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article. Oliver J R Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk/ One is going to have moments in their life where having something to look forward to enables them to get through their day, and this could be something that lasts for quite some time. This could be because what they’re doing is something they would rather not be doing or perhaps one is going through a challenging period in their life. So what they will soon be experiencing will give them the strength to continue and to not give up or to become overwhelmed by their current circumstances. Their current circumstances could come to an end at this point or one might just have the chance to step out of the day-to-day challenges that they usually have. However, even if ones day-to-day life is not something they want to escape from or avoid, they’re still going to have the need to have things to look forward to. The work they put in each day and the stress that they experience is going to create the need to step out of their day-to-day life from time to time. Different Needs This also comes down to the fact that human beings have a wide range of needs and wants. In one moment they could be taking care of a certain need or a number of them and yet, in the back of their mind could be what is going to take place in a few days or weeks for instance. In a short while then, one will soon experience something else and this will take care of another need or a number of needs that one has. This doesn’t mean that one is unable to enjoy what is currently taking place and to embrace the moment; it means that when they look to the future, they have something to look forward to. Living In The Moment The importance of living in the moment can’t be denied, but this doesn’t mean that looking into the past or thinking about the future is therefore a bad thing. For if one can’t look into their past, it could be a sign that they’re avoiding something and if they can’t look into the future, it could mean that one has lost hope and has a sense of resignation Just as if one is unable to embrace reality and to live in the moment, it could also mean that they’re trying to avoid facing something. In that case, it shows that it is important for one to be able look into the past and to the future, and to be able to live in the moment. Let Down One can get their hopes up and look forward to something, but that doesn’t mean it will actually take place. It could fall through a short while before it is meant to happen or this could take place at the last moment. This is going to be frustrating and one could end up feeling hopeless, but if it doesn’t happen all the time it could be easier for them to handle. However, if this is an experience that one experiences on a regular occurrence, it is going to be a lot harder for them to take. A Way Of Life For some people, this could be a way of life; it is then not something that occurs on the odd occasion, it is a regular occurrence. One is then likely to end up feeling completely hopeless and they might no longer get their hopes up. Feeling hopeless is then an experience they have become accustomed to and one that may well define their whole life. There could be times when they lose touch with this feeling and they start to rise once more, but before long, they soon return to the feeling of being hopeless. Experiences The reason for this is that although one starts to experience hope once more, they’re soon end up feeling disappointed. And this can relate to all areas of one’s life and then it doesn’t matter where one looks, as the outcome is always the same. One might find that they make plans with a friend and that nothing takes place or that as soon as they meet someone they connect with at an intimate level, something takes place and it doesn’t go any further. Or it could relate to their career and just as one is about to go to the next level, something happens and they end up feeing deflated. Up And Down So one could find themselves experiencing hope and this could cause them to believe that this time it is going to be different and then the same thing happens. Or one might have just given up completely and then no longer experiences hope. Based on what they have continually experienced, one might have come to believe that this is how their life is always going to be. However, although this can seem how life is and that there is no other option, one could be re-living their childhood all over again. Childhood This could have been a time where ones needs were not met on a regular basis; one might have been severely neglected. Just as one might have been promised things and then as time passed, nothing happened. Being betrayed and feeling let down was then something that took place when one got their hopes up. Over time, this would have become familiar and therefore what felt safe. So although it only caused one to experience pain, it was something that one started to feel comfortable with. It then didn’t matter that it was an association that would only cause harm, as it was seen as a vital part of their survival. Awareness As these early emotional experiences have stayed trapped in one’s body and have not been processed, they’re going to cause one to re-create the same reality. During these early experiences, one may have felt the following feelings: abandoned, rejected, grief, hopeless, helpless, powerless, betrayed and ashamed. So as these emotions are faced and released, ones experience of life will begin to change. This process can take place with the assistance of a therapist or a healer. If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article. Oliver J R Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk/ Human beings are interdependent and this means that relationships are a vital part of their ability to survive and to thrive. And while they need to have relationships with others, they also need to be in relationships that are fulfilling. For instance, one could be in a relationship and have a certain need met or a number of needs, but it doesn’t mean that it is enhancing their life. They could be in a situation where they are better off by themselves and away from the person they are currently with. Abuse Here, one would be in a relationship that is mildly or even extremely abusive. Their foot is then in the door so to speak, but once they are in the house, they end up feeling even worse than they did before they came in. And even though this relationship is not healthy and this could be one of many that one is in, it doesn’t mean they can just leave. They could find themselves in a position where they are unable to walk away. It then doesn’t matter how unfulfilling it is or how abusive the person is, as the relationship continues. Value If one is in this position, it would be normal to say that they clearly don’t value themselves. This means that they don’t just have an external problem; they also have an inner problem. For if they did end the relationship and walk away, there is a strong chance that they will walk into another relationship that is just as bad. This might not be the case and something might have changed within them, but this is not something that always happens. This is because if one is still the same on the inside and they don’t value themselves, then the people they are attracted to will be the same. A Reflection From the outside, how another person is being treated might looking shocking and be seen as something that needs to stop. However, if one treats themselves like this on the inside, then it is not going to stand out. How another person is treating them is therefore normal and no worse than they treat themselves. But this doesn’t always stand out, as it is not always easy to notice how one treats themselves. Another Option One might not even be in a relationship, but the desire to be in a loving relationship is not something that is likely to disappear. It might be something that one ignores and does their best to push out of their awareness from time to time, but it is still going to be there. They may have a pattern of attracting people who are abusive or who are unable to treat with them respect, appreciation and kindness. It is then not so much that attracting people is something they struggle with, what is the problem is attracting someone who values them. Inner Experience On the inside, one might wonder why any would want to be with them or if another person would ever love them. One can then end up feeling like a victim and that they have no control. Or one might be out of touch with what is going on within them and channel their frustration towards other people. Other people are then seen as the problem and the reason why one is not in a relationship where they are being treated in the right way. Not Enough So if one believes it is not possible for other people to love them or even if they blame other people for what is taking place, it can cause them to come to the conclusion that they need to be more. What this means is that one can become obsessed with self-development. As who they are is not enough, one can end up believing that they need to be more and that they need to develop themselves. And once they do this, they will finally be enough and that will make them lovable. Outlook While there is nothing wrong with working on oneself, if one believes they are not enough to begin with, this outlook is only going to lead to more problems. Even if one does attract someone who responds in a certain way towards them, one can still feel as though it is for what they do and not for who they are. And through trying to be more, one is simply reinforcing their outlook that they are not lovable as they are. So while it might seem as though one can either get caught up in how they feel or avoid how they feel, there is another option. Toxic Shame The other option is to look at and deal with why one feels unlovable to begin with. And one reason why one can feel unlovable is because they’re carrying toxic shame. This is something that is going to make one feel as though they are less-than human. They can feel as though they are deeply flawed, and one won’t feel bad from time to time, they are bad. So if this is how one sees themselves, feeling unlovable is perfectly normal. The Cause This could relate to what happened during ones childhood years and these early experiences may have continued throughout ones adult years. During these early years, one may have been physically and verbally abused, and/or they may have been neglected. And as these emotional experiences of the past have remained within them, their view of themselves has stayed the same. One may find that they these early experiences are re-created by the people they come into contact with. Awareness The emotional experiences of the past that have remained trapped within one’s body will need to be faced and released. This is something that can be done with the assistance of a therapist or a healer If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article. Oliver J R Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk/ There is often said to be a false self and a true self, and if one is into psychology or self-development, they’re likely to have heard about these terms. If one hasn’t, they might sound a bit mysterious and something that one can’t relate to. But if these descriptions are put to one side and one is able to see what they relate to, one will soon realise that there is nothing mysterious about them. In fact, some people are going to be in a position where they have always lived from their true self, and then there are going to be people whose life has always been an expression of their false self. Just as there are going to be people who are able to express their true self during certain times and at other times, are unable to express their true self. So not everyone on this planet is going to be connected to their true self and not everyone is going to be disconnected from it either. What Is It? When one is in touch with who they are, it is going to mean that they are connected to their true self. Therefore, it is ones true needs, wants and feelings that make up their true self. The word true is used because it is easy for one to get caught up in feelings that don’t belong to them or to deny how they feel. And one can also deny their true needs an wants and end up fulfilling the needs and wants of others. Normal When one is in touch with their true needs, wants and feelings, this could be the only thing they have known and it is therefore, normal. And when one is out of touch with their true needs, wants and feelings, this could be the only thing they have known and this is then a normal part of their life. It is going to be a lot harder for one to live a life that is fulfilling when they’re out of touch with themselves. This might mean that this pain is softened through receiving the approval of others, but it won’t be the same as if one was living their truth. What This Can Mean So if one is living their truth and they’re not aware of the fact that life can be different, it is not necessarily going to harm their life. However, if one is not living their truth and they’re not aware of the fact that life can be different, then they’re going to suffer. Until one is able to take in new information and to realise that life can be different, they’re going to be going round in circles. Their pain won’t end and their life might only end up getting worse. Childhood What happens during ones formative years is usually what defines whether one is in touch with their true self or if they’re living on the surface of themselves and pleasing other people. For one will need to believe that it is safe for them to listen to their needs, wants and feelings, if they don’t, they are likely to disconnect from them. So if ones caregivers allowed them to have needs and to express their feelings, they’re likely to believe that it is safe for them to have them. If, on the other hand, one had to meet their caregiver’s needs and to deny their needs and feelings, then they might only feel safe if they ignore their needs and feelings. This is not to say that one is aware of this, as this can all take place unconsciously and out of their awareness. Shame If ones needs and wants were not met and their feelings were denied or dismissed, one could have ended up feeling ashamed of their needs, wants and feelings. And as having feelings and needs is part of being human, one wouldn’t have just felt bad, they would have end up believing they were bad. This feeling of being inherently bad could have been compounded by other experiences that one had to put up with during these early years. Here, one may have also experienced physical, sexual, verbal and/or emotional abuse. Toxic Shame So ones experience of shame is then not something that comes and goes, it has become their identity. They don’t just feel bad from time to time, they are bad. There is healthy shame, and this allows one to have a conscience amongst others things, and then there is toxic shame, and this has no benefit to one’s life. The only thing is does is cause one to feel as though they are inherently flawed and that there is nothing they can do to change how they see themselves. They are less-than human and it doesn’t just relate to their feelings, thoughts or beliefs, it relates who their whole being. What Can Then Happen If one was made to feel this way, it is generally going to be something they want to cover up and to hide. For when one is ashamed of who they are, the last thing they want to do is to let other people know how they see themselves. So in one way or another, how one sees themselves and how other people see them, is going to relate to their toxic shame. Their whole being has been infiltrated and it is not possible for their true self to see the light of day. False Self One can then end up coming across as though they don’t value themselves and being someone who allows people to walk all over them, or they could come across as though other people are below them and they could be the ones who walk all over others. It can turn someone into a workaholic and/or a perfectionist, and this allows them to keep how they feel at bay. But it doesn’t matter what one achieves or how much they work, as what’s taking place on the inside is still the same. It is then not possible for one to just be, they have to constantly do something; this is because their value is based on what they do and not who they are. Awareness So if ones true self is being covered up by toxic shame, it will be important for them to process the emotional experiences of the past that have remained within them. As well as toxic shame, there can also be: grief, abandonment, helplessness and hopelessness. The assistance of a therapist or a healer may be needed here. If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article. Oliver J R Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk/ Human beings have the need to reach out and to connect and the need to pull away and be by themselves. This is normal and the amount of time that is required with another and by oneself is naturally going to vary from person to person. It can come down to what is going in their life and how they feel; at certain times, one might want to connect with others and at other times, they may want to spend more time by themselves. Reaching out When one is around others, they are going to be able to meet certain needs; as to what these needs are will depend on who they are with at any given moment. If they are with a partner/lover they will be able to fulfil their physical and emotional needs, and maybe even their intellectual needs. Just as if they are with a friend or a family member, they are going to be able to meet a different set of needs. So their emotional and intellectual needs are likely to be met. But while certain needs are being met with some people and not with others, each person is fulfilling ones needs to connect. Pulling Away When it comes to pulling away and to breaking this connection, one could be around a friend, their partner/lover or a group of people for instance and then there will come and time where they need to pull away. They might go and spend time by themselves, or they might end up going from spending time with their partner/lover, to being with a friend or a family member. Through pulling away and spending time by oneself or even with someone else, one will be able to get back in touch with themselves and to re-centre. One will be getting back in touch with who they are as an individual and this will enable one to connect to their true self. Emotional Reaction During the times when one ends their time with another, it is likely to create an emotional reaction and one could feel sad or annoyed that their time has come to an end. But what this won’t lead to is the experience that one is losing themselves. And when one connects with another person, their sense of self is not going to be something that disappears. So one won’t lose who they are or feel the need to end the interaction prematurely. Boundaries They will be able to pull away when they need a break and to reach out when they need to connect. This will be something they choose and not something they feel compelled to do. At an emotional level, one is going to be interdependent and not dependent; what this means is that while other people play a part in how they feel, they’re still able to regulate their own emotions. So one is able to reach out to others on one hand and at the same time, they’re not going to see other people as being a threat to their sense of self. Other people can fulfil some of their needs but not all of them and while other people can fulfil their needs, this doesn’t mean that they want to control them. One will be able to be by themselves and still maintain a sense of self, and not feel as though they have been left. A Different Experience But while some people experience the above or something similar, there are other people who experience life in a different way. Their natural need to connect and to pull away from people is made even more complex by how they feel when they do these things. Connecting to others doesn’t feel safe and one doesn’t feel that it is safe for them to pull away either. This is a dynamic that can cause extreme suffering and if this related to food, and one didn’t feel safe eating food, they wouldn’t last for very long. Stuck But although one might not die through living life in this way, it is unlikely to be a fulfilling existence. No matter what one does, they’re going to suffer and this can cause one to feel completely hopeless and helpless. They want to be around others, but if they are around others, they feel smothered. This then causes them to pull away and to be by themselves and soon enough, they feel abandoned. One can end up feeling trapped and believe that there is no way out of what can be a ‘living hell’. Relationships And as one feels this way, they’re going to attract people who validate how they feel. So one could find that they attract people who are smothering and who lack any kind of awareness as to how they come across. Or one might find that they attract people who are aloof and unavailable and while this won’t cause one to feel smothered, they will end up feeling abandoned. This could be how ones relationships have always been and a dynamic that has defined their life. What Is Going On? There is the chance that this is how one has always felt and this can cause one to believe that it is part of their nature and something they are stuck with. And the reason is can seem as though it is part of one’s nature, is because it is likely to have been a dynamic that one experienced during their formative years. This dynamic can then feel as much a part of their nature as the need to connect to people or to pull away is. However, it is not part of their nature; it a consequence of early childhood trauma. And what happened during these early years caused them to create associations that have defined their life ever since. Childhood So during ones time as a baby and a child, one is likely to have been brought up by a caregiver who had no awareness of their needs. One was probably used to take care of their caregivers needs, and their needs would have been denied. And because their caregiver was not in touch with ones needs, they would have been held or touched when they didn’t want to be held and touched, and left when they needed to be held and touched. During these moments, one would have been completely helpless and they wouldn’t have been able to do anything. Normal How one feels as an adult, in regards to connecting to others and to separating from them, is therefore normal based on what happened to them. As one felt helpless during these years and the emotional experiences have remained trapped in their body, they can continue to feel helpless as an adult. So all the time the emotional experiences of the past remain trapped in one’s body, they will continue to alternate between feeling smothered and abandoned and feel powerless to do anything about what is happening. Awareness These emotional experiences that have remained trapped in one’s body will need to be faced and released. This can be done with the assistance of a therapist or a healer. If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article. Oliver J R Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk/ Emotional Awareness: Is Emotional Awareness An Important Part Of Healing Our Emotional Body?5/10/2014
When it comes to what one needs to do to get into physical shape or what they need to eat in order to be healthy, there is plenty of advice available. In fact, it is not so much about getting the advice that is the problem, nowadays, it is often more about what advice to follow and what advice one needs to avoid.
And as it is important for one to look after their health and to eat the kind of foods that the body needs to function, this could be seen as a good problem to have. The opposite of this would be to have the need to get in shape or to eat well, but to be in a position where the information and the guidance are not available. Today’s World So in today’s world, one can have the need to improve their level of fitness or to change their body shape and it is not going to take long until they are aware of what they need to do. Just as one can want to change their diet to alter their appearance or to have more energy, and before long, providing they take action, they will be able to come across information that will give them the guidance they need. This is one of the benefits of modern-day technology and how the internet has made is easy for people to get their hands on information. However, if one was to go back in time, there would have been a time when the need was there, but the information wasn’t available. How Life Was There would have been some people who would have had greater access to information, but this information is unlikely to have been as advanced as it is today. Nevertheless, there would have been a grater divide between the haves and the have not’s. At least in today’s world, one doesn’t necessarily have to go without the information they need in order to: lose weight, gain more energy and/or to become fitter. One just needs to have the need and to allow that need to pull them towards the guidance that they need to achieve their goal/s. Emotional Problems So while progress has been made when it comes to having the need to alter ones physical health or diet and to then fulfilling that need, the same can’t always be said when it comes to taking care of ones emotional problems. For example: one can have an emotional problem but it doesn’t mean they will actually take the steps to move beyond it and even if they do, they might not receive the right guidance. It could be said that it is socially acceptable to go to the gym or to eat a certain diet, but when it comes to the area of emotions, this is an area is not widely spoken about. Having emotions is part of being human, in fact, it could be said that it is what makes us human. But although it is an important area, it is not an area that the average person understands. The Two-Way Relationship What is often normal, is for someone to run away from their emotional pain and to deny how they feel. As this is what often takes place on an individual level, it is then mirrored in how society responds to emotions. And then as society doesn’t pay attention to them, this then cause’s people to do the same; it is then a two-way relationship and each side reinforces the other. Let’s say that one does reach out for support, there is the chance that they will receive the guidance they need, but there is also the chance they won’t. It will all depend on the kind of support that one reaches out for and how aware the people are who provide it. Common Approaches So one might be suffering from: depression, have heightened levels of anxiety and/or anger and have suicidal feelings, amongst others things. There is the chance that one will do nothing and simply suffer in silence or even take their life; as a lot of people do. If one was to go to their doctor, they might end up being put on some kind of medication or refereed to a counsellor or cognitive behavioural therapist. Through this, one might find that they improve or that they’re able to manage their emotions. Emotional Awareness What this approach might not lead to is an increase in how aware they are of their emotions. Going on drugs for instance, is not necessarily going to enable to one understand why they feel like they do; what it might do is cause them to become emotionally numb and disconnected from themselves. This is not to say that one shouldn’t use medication or that they should feel ashamed for using drugs, as at times, they might be necessary. And when one is in serious pain, it is only natural for them to want to remove their pain as soon as possible. The Ideal Another approach would be for one to be aware of how they feel and this is likely to give them a better understanding as to why they’re depressed and/or have anger problems. Although emotional problems such as these are given the exposure and are seen as the problem, they’re often a symptom of something else. But unless one is emotionally aware, these symptoms can be seen as the primary problem. And yet, if one was able to tune into their emotional body and had an awareness of what has happened to them throughout their adult years as well as their childhood years, they might soon realise why they feel as they do. Awareness When it comes to becoming more aware, it is not something that happens directly. One can’t force themselves to become aware or to see things they can’t presently see. In order for one to become more aware, they need to expose themselves to new information and experiences. As the saying goes – we don’t know what we don’t know. So by taking in new information, one will be able to reflect and to see differently. The outer guidance will provide the support that one need’s in order to understand what is taking place within them. Books, articles, videos and one to one therapy and support groups will give one the information they need to understand their emotional body. And when one knows what is happening, they will have clearer idea of what they need to do to heal their emotional body. When one has trapped emotions in their body for instance, it is going to affect their emotional wellbeing. These trapped emotions will need to be faced and released and this can be done with the assistance of a therapist or a healer.
If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article.
Oliver J R Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk/ There are some people who are able to be themselves, and while they can adapt, this is not something that always takes place. Not only do they have a sense of themselves, but more importantly, they will feel that it is safe for them to be themselves. At times, they’re going to understand the importance of adapting to their environment and there will be other moments, when this won’t be the case. If one was unable to adapt, it would be just as much of a problem as if they were constantly adapting themselves to their environment. A Choice So when one is in this position, they’re able to choose how they are going to act; it is not something they feel is out of their control. This is not to say that they will always be in control, but it is not going to be something that is always out of their control either. Through this, one is going to be able to have a sense of self that is fairly consistent. They are not going to need to be a chameleon and therefore, someone that is constantly changing themselves in order to ‘fit in’ and to please others. The People Around Them So one is going to be themselves around the people they are close to in life and this is going to mean that their relationships are authentic and life affirming. There is then no need for one to be a certain way, and they can allow their true self to be revealed. For some people, this is going to be how their life has always been and for others, this will be something they have gradually come to experience as time has passed. It will then be normal and the only thing some people have known, and for others, it may well have become normal, but they will know what it is like to live on the other side. Normal And because they have lived on the other side, they are going to have a deeper appreciation. They will know what it’s like to have no sense of self and to be who others want them to be or who they think other people want them to be. When one has a sense of self that is week or nonexistent, they’re not going to have a consistent sense of themselves. There is the chance that this is what is normal and it could be the only thing they know. A Victim It is then how life is and it could be seen as something they have to put up with for the rest of their life. To see life this way is not going to fill one with hope, it is only going to make one feel like a victim. When one lives a life where they merge with the environment and lose themselves, it is not going to be enjoyable. It is going to be a life where one is used to compromising themselves and ignoring their wants and needs. How they feel is going to be irrelevant, because the feelings of others will take precedence. The Human Chameleon And while one might not know who they are going to be from one moment to the next, what they might be aware of, are the roles that they usually play around others. Tuning into other people is going to be something they are extremely good at. However, when it comes to tuning into their own needs, wants and feelings, it could be a real challenge. In their mind, they are not saying: this is who I am, they are saying, who do you want me to be? This is going to mean that they are unable to just be, instead, they have to be on alert and aware of others people’s needs, wants and feelings. The Half Life To live this way is not going to be fulfilling or enable one to live their truth; it is going to be a life of frustration and compromise, where one constantly goes against their best interests. On one side, one has the need to live their truth, and on the other, one feels compelled to please other people. Conflict What this shows is that one is experiencing inner conflict and this is not something they can overlook, as it is controlling their whole life. Being aware of other people’s needs is not the problem, what is the problem is when one is constantly ignoring their own needs in order to take care of the needs of others. If one could put their needs first without feeling uncomfortable, then this is surely what would take place. But when one ignores who they are to please others, it is because this is what feels safe. So if one was to put their needs first, it is going to trigger the inner experience of being abandoned. This inner experience could match up with what is taking place externally or it might have nothing to do with what is taking place externally. Death This will then lead to the feeling that one is going to die and as one is an adult, it can be hard to understand why this is. As an adult, one is unlikely to die if another person leaves then. If they were a baby or a child, then how one feels would make sense. What this is likely to show is that while one has physically grown up, their emotional body is still responding to life as if they were a child or even a baby. One is then not seeing life through the eyes of an adult; they’re seeing life through the eyes of someone a lot younger. Trauma So during ones younger years, they’re likely to have been neglected for long periods of time or perhaps it was a one-off experience that left a mark. The emotional experience/s has then stayed trapped in their body and is defining how they experience life as an adult. Awareness Ones emotional body can be carrying the following feelings: abandonment, grief, hopelessness, helplessness, shame, fear and death. These will need to be faced and released, and this can be done with the assistance of a therapist or a healer. If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article. Oliver J R Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk/ When it comes to how people feel, the mainstream media can play a vital role. This is because so many people are plugged into the media and how their views of reality are defined by it. However, it is not just someone’s perception of reality that will be created for them, how they view themselves is will also be created for them. So, how they feel about the world and themselves is then out of their hands and in the hands of the people who decide what is going to receive exposure and what isn’t. The world While one can believe that their view of the world is the truth, it is often something that has been given to them. They may have played no part in this view and yet, it has just been accepted as the truth and how life is. How one feels about the world is then not being defined by their experience of it, it is being defined by the experiences that other people have had. That’s if it does relate to their experiences and not to a hidden agenda. It would be naive to believe that the media doesn’t have an agenda and although this doesn’t necessarily mean that they’re only interested in control, there are going to be times when there is more than meets the eye. The Self When it comes to the self image that one has, the media is likely to have been an influence. This is not to say that everyone is going to be influenced in the same way; as it can depend on how attached someone is to the media and to society in general. For example: some people follow cultural trends and it is then going to be important for them to follow the media. Through doing this, one will be keep up to date and do what they need to do to in order to attain a certain look or style that is currently in vogue. The Average Person However, even if one is not focused on fashion and getting the latest look, they are not going to be immune to the effects of the mainstream media or today’s culture. One will need to have a strong sense of themselves in order to handle the pressure that is created by these two sources and by the people who are sucked in by it. If one hasn’t got a strong sense of themselves, it is going to be a lot easier for the media to control them and for them to be swayed by the people around them. When one lacks a strong identity, it can cause them to follow others and for their value to be completely defined by how other people respond to them. Fashion One of the common problems with fashion in the mainstream media and in today’s culture is that it doesn’t always relate to what someone wears or to their hair style for instance; it can go further than that and relate to someone’s physical appearance. And while one can change what they wear or alter the style of their hair, they can’t always change their physical appearance. One might be able to gain or lose weight, add muscle or even have cosmetic surgery, but there is only so much that one can do. Being Enough So if one has a certain appearance, they can end up feeling as they are enough and if they don’t, one might be able to alter certain things or they could end up feeling as though they are not enough. And just because ones appearance matches up at one point in time, it doesn’t meant that it will match up at another. So even if one does have a certain look, it doesn’t mean they are going to be in this position for very long. At one point in time, they can end up feeling good and at another; they can feel as though they are not enough. But if one doesn’t have a certain look, this could be something they have become accustomed to. They could feel as though they are not enough and that there is nothing they can do about it. Toxic Shame As a result of this, one is not going to feel bad about themselves from time to time, it is going to be how they always feel. Through being exposed to the messages in the media and mainstream culture, one can come to believe that they are inherently flawed. One is then no longer experiencing healthy shame, they are experiencing toxic shame. When this happens, one is going to feel as though they are not enough and that there is nothing they can do about it. This could cause one become obsessed with their appearance, or they could end up neglecting their appearance. Another Factor Now, it would be easy to say that the media and today’s culture are solely to blame for people who feel as though they’re not enough, but this would be an inaccurate assessment. These two factors can’t be dismissed; however, there is also what happens during ones childhood years. What happens here can play a part in whether one is able to handle these social pressures or if they are defined by them. If one has already been shamed whilst they were growing up, they are going to be easy targets. If, on the other hand, one had a childhood that allowed them to realise they are enough, they’re less likely to be manipulated. Awareness If one does carry toxic shame, it might be necessary for them to seek the assistance of a therapist or a healer. When one feels ashamed, they’re likely to feel ashamed of their shame and this can make it hard for them to reach out for support. This is why the right support is vital and through this support, one will be able to realise that they are enough. Just because they don’t match up to a certain image, it doesn’t mean they are less than the people who do match up. If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article. Oliver J R Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk/ |
Oliver JR CooperAuthor of 26 books, Transformational Writer, Teacher & Consultant. Introductory Consultation
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Disclaimer
That which is contained within these articles is based on my own empirical understanding and is true for me at the time they were written. However, as I continue to grow, what I perceive as the truth will inevitably change and as a result of this - parts of these articles may not reflect my current outlook.
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