When it comes to someone having an inner voice that is not supportive or nurturing for instance, there is going to be the need for some kind of change to take place. And if one feels practically paralyzed by this voice, then it is only natural that some kind of solution is going to be sought.
This might be something that happens fairly quickly, or it could take a while. And changing ones inner voice from one that is critical and harsh to the opposite of this usually takes a while.
There is also going to be people who need assistance and yet they don’t take it. And it could be available from the people around them or through other sources that are easy to find. As well as people who desperately want help, but although this is the case, they just can’t seem to find it.
So support is there and it is simply rejected, or is it not there and one can end up feeling rejected. The ideal is when one wants to be assisted in life and the help is there for them.
Self doubt is something that is subjective; one person cannot truly compare their inner doubt with another person. They might try to do this and even gain a sense of perspective when it comes to their own. And while this can make one feel better or even worse for a short time, one is still having their own experience.
For some people this might be so extreme that they can’t find the strength to try anything new, to achieve anything or to push on in life. They are then controlled by their own inner doubt.
And while other people can have an impact on this, even if other people are not critical or malicious, one still sabotages their own growth and success. Outer opposition is not even needed; one has enough opposition within to limit what they achieve.
If one experiences low levels of self doubt or just doubt when it relates to a certain area or areas of their life, then this might not be as much of a problem. Having said that, if one is successful in their career and has extreme self doubt when it comes to relationships; their whole life is going to be affected.
So it then not just a case of if one has extremes self doubt or low self doubt, it can also depend on other factors such as: what areas they have it in and how it impacts their life. As there are plenty of people who are full of doubt and achieve incredible things, just as there are people who are full of doubt and achieve very little.
To be full of self doubt is not going to be too pleasant; one could feel as though they are their own worst enemy and wonder when their inner hell is going to end. In this case, something clearly needs to be done and it is obvious that this is not how one should be experiencing life
Other people are not always supportive or kind and so one doesn’t need to make things worse by being the same way themselves. Ideally, one would be their own best friend and from this place, what is going on externally won’t be as bad.
A natural conclusion could be that all self doubt is bad and therefore needs to be removed or even ‘destroyed’. This can sound logical and the right thing to aim for; to always be certain and confident in life sounds appealing.
And if one is full of self doubt and has suffered for most or even what seems like their whole life, then it is natural to want to go to the other extreme. But as the saying goes, if something sounds too good to be true, it probably is.
The Other Side
Because although doubt can cause many problems in someone life, it also have the potential to enhance one’s life. In order for someone to grow and change, they need to be able to embrace new information and new ways of looking at things.
However, if someone is too sure of themselves, it can lead to them blocking out new information and ignoring what others have to say. One then has the ability to see externally with their eyes, but through being so sure of themselves on the inside, they are basically blind.
This means that one could not only be a danger to themselves and their own life, they could also be a danger to so many others on the planet. Self doubt often kicks in when one tries something new and so it is part of ones survival instincts. It would be dangerous to try to drive a car without having the right guidance first; at best, one might damage the car, but at the worst, they could crash it and die.
So if one feels that part of their life or all of their life is on hold through self doubt, then something needs to be done. A certain level of certainty is important for ones psychological health, but to remove it completely would be dangerous.
To deal with extreme self doubt may require the assistance of a therapist, healer or some kind of coach. Or it may be enough for one to read up on certain areas of self development.
Self doubt can keep one’s mind open to new ideas and to new possibilities. Without doubt the mind can become fixed and incapable of taking in anything new or different. So it could be said that the key is to make doubt ones fiend, as opposed to their enemy. To use it for ones benefit, instead of allowing it to create their own downfall.
One can have the desire to be in a relationship that is meaningful and fulfilling and yet they might find this hard to achieve. And it could be that they can’t seem to attract the right person or that when they are in a relationship with someone who they connect with, it soon ends.
There could be all kinds of reasons as to why this is happening. But if this has become a way of life for this person and something they are accustomed to, then there is likely to be patterns at work.
At first, this might not be visible and everything could appear to be going on randomly. However, if one was to take a closer look at what is going on and what is not going on in their relationships, they will start to notice certain themes.
This may not be seen straight away and could take a short time to realise. But if one wants to see them and is committed to having exactly what they say they want, then the answers will soon arrive.
Seeing these patterns in ones reality is not the easiest thing to do though and this is partly due to how the mind works. All kinds of illusions can arise and these can end up distracting someone from seeing what is actually occurring.
In the absence of pattern recognition, life is typically seen as random and one is then simply a bystander. And while this can create a momentary sense of relief from having to deal with anything, in the long run, one will only end up feeling victimised and that they have no control over their whole life or this area of their life.
These patterns then play out without ones awareness and while the people they are attracted to or attract will be different, the same scenarios will be played out. What then happens and as to how long this takes, may alter, but how one feels will be the same.
Externally there will be certain things that either take place or don’t take place, but underneath all of this will be certain feelings. And this could be: abandonment, betrayal, rejection and loss for instance.
So even though each relationship will have different experiences, how one ends up feeling is likely to be the same. It’s like being in one country and having rain and going to another and there is still rain; each place looks different and yet it is still the same story.
When this pattern relates to being abandoned, one might find that they get into relationships and before long they end. This could be one that is going well and everything seems to be going to plan, and then out of nowhere, it just finishes.
Or one might not even reach that stage and find that they don’t go beyond having a few dates with someone. For example, they could arrange to meet someone for a second date and then this person cancels. This is after a connection has been formed and one has met them. And not only does the date not take place, they also never here from the other person again, or if they do, it is in the form of a well constructed excuse.
Perhaps one doesn’t get to the stage or being in a relationship or even going on a date and the feeling of abandonment is then something that pervades their whole life. Being abandoned could be how they have always felt and have no idea that life could be any different.
On one level it is clear that this has no benefit to someone’s life and is only creating pain. Intellectually, there is going to be confusion and this could make no sense whosoever. But at a deeper level, this will be what is classed as familiar and therefore safe by ones ego mind.
The problem is that the ego mind probably formed these associations when one was very young and as time passed, one became cut off from these early experiences. So although one can feel as though the outside world is causing them problems, they are ultimately being victimised by what is going on within them.
During ones younger years, they are vulnerable to feelings of abandonment; especially as their sense of connection comes from being attached to their caregivers. At this age, being abandoned could be a matter of life of death. And even if it is not this extreme, it can still end up feeling this way.
So it is vital that one’s primary caregiver was attuned to them as a child. This doesn’t mean that they had to be perfect, just that they were good enough. So everyone is vulnerable to being abandoned as a child, what complicates this is when one experiences abuse or some kind of emotional neglect on a consistent basis. Of even just a one off experience that was traumatic.
When one was abandoned all these years ago, on one side this would have created an emotional experience or many emotional experiences that were painful. And yet on the other side, this experience would have become associated as familiar and therefore safe by the ego mind.
This means that although this experience was not healthy or functional, as far as the ego mind is concerned, it is what is essential to ones survival. And ones whole idea of who they are can be based on being abandoned, so if this was to change, one might wonder who they are. So all the time these feelings are still trapped in one’s body, they will continue to create situations that mirror these early experiences.
These feelings can cause one to push other people away and to behave in ways that will make them leave, so that one can feel abandoned once more. This usually happens unconsciously though and while it won’t get one what they truly want, it is likely to feel comfortable at a deeper level.
To move away from this pattern and to longer feel abandoned as a way of life or through experiences with others, one will need to release the trapped feelings and emotions that were created in these early experiences. Over the years, additional feelings, thoughts and beliefs will also have accumulated on top of these original feelings and these will go once the original trauma has been dealt with.
This can be done with the assistance of a therapist of healer who will allow one to face their feelings and emotions and release them. There is no set time for this, as some people can have more to release than others. And a certain level of trust will also have to exist in order for one to feel safe enough to let go.
When something is not working in life, it is common for blame to appear. And this can be towards: things, individuals and organisations. The opposite of this would be to take responsibility and to find out what the problems are and then to take the appropriate action.
Through doing this, progress can often be made and although some things might not be able to be repaired or changed, there is likely to be some kind of resolution. This would generally be classed as a more mature approach, whereas using blame would be seen as a sign of immaturity.
To just use blame is unlikely to allow any kind or progress to be made or for closure to take place. Movement will not occur and something could stay exactly as it is or get far worse.
And when one wants to move on with their life or a whole group of people want to move on for example, blame might be the initial reaction, but some kind of responsibility will have to appear if they are to fulfil their real intentions.
One might have started to wonder what this has to do with the ego, and rightly so. It could be seen as a separate area of discussion and have very little to do with it. But upon closer inspection, one will see that there are parallels.
In recent years, the word ego has become widely used during certain situations. And these typically relate to when one has done something that doesn’t serve them or when someone has behaved in a way that is negative or dysfunctional.
And when this happens, deeper questions are rarely asked; the ego then becomes a word that is used to label behaviour that is unsatisfactory.
In the public domain this could apply to someone who acts as if they are better than others or comes across as too confident for instance. They would be described as having a big ego, but that’s about as far as it goes.
When it comes to the area of self development or ‘spirituality’ there is often a lot more to it. Labels are still used, but they are often supplemented with information as to why the ego is unnecessary and needs to be dealt with in some way.
At times, this could mean that one needs to remove or even ‘destroy’ their ego. For some people, this sounds like what is meant to happen and for others, this is going to sound completely ridiculous.
If the word ‘ego’ is put to one side for the time being and this is looked at from another angle, it is clear that one is experiencing inner challenges or they are experiencing them externally through other people.
The cause of these challenges is then the result of the ego. And based on this outlook, if one were to remove the ego, then all would be well. So if one has formed this perspective of the ego, it is natural for them to see it as bad and to be the reason for the problems in their life.
Once something has become associated as problem, it is normal that one is going to want to do something about it. The need to grow and to remove pain is part of being human, so to simply put up with it is not going to be an option for a lot people.
And if the ego is bad, then surely it has no purpose and one must do all they can to somehow remove it. But what if the ego does have a purpose and the reason it is causing so many problems is because of something else?
The ego is often described as the part that keeps one alive and is it is situated just above the stomach. Another name for the ego is the reptilian brain and this brain is part of what has been described as the ‘triune brain’ and this also includes the limbic system and the neo cortex.
And as it wants to keep one alive, it means that its sole purpose is survival and nothing else. So anything that doesn’t relate to survival will not interest this brain. Higher aims, ideals and ideas will be a consequence of other two brains.
The ego is not something that is fixed and unaffected by life; it is programmed by what one has experienced in their life. And so, what one person’s ego associates as safe is going to be different to another and vice versa.
What is classed as safe to the ego is what is familiar and anything can be familiar. This could be what is functional and it could be what is dysfunctional and it can go back to what happened to them when they were a baby and a child. The ego doesn’t make judgments as to whether something is good or bad, it just accepts them.
So nourishing experiences can program the ego and become familiar and so can experiences that are traumatic. And if these experiences cause a certain amount of pain, one can end up being trapped in this brain.
One is then not operating from a place of wholeness; they are fractured and are either stuck in survival mode or they are in this mode for certain periods. And when the other two brains are out of action, their abilities will also be lost.
Being aware, thinking critically and observing won’t be possible and empathy, compassion and a sense of oneness will also go missing. What the ego has associated as safe is what one will continually attract into their life and when this relates to something that was traumatic, it is not going to be too pleasant to continually re create the experience.
What can cause problems here is when ones awareness of each brain has been lost and this can lead to one brain being against the other. So through one having their awareness firmly in the neo cortex and being out of touch with their reptilian brain (ego), they can come to the conclusion that this other brain is the problem.
When in reality, they are all on the same side; they have just lost contact with each other. So to blame the ego is to blame one’s own nature and the only way it could be removed is by someone ending their life.
And as the ego mind is programmed by experiences that are both nourishing and traumatic, it would make sense to take a look at these experiences in order for change to take place.
The experiences that one has that are traumatic will have created emotional consequences and these would have created a preset that became associated as familiar. And this would have then created certain thoughts and behavioural tendencies.
And as these are seen as what is familiar, one will continue to manifest a reality that reflects them. It won’t matter if they relate to what happened many years ago and have very little to do with ones present reality, as the ego mind will still interpret reality in the same way.
But once the trauma has been dealt with, what their ego classes as familiar and therefore safe will change. The original preset will be reset and if one has been stuck in this lower brain for most of their life, they will be able to experience a whole brain connection for the first time.
One way of doing this is to release ones trapped feeling and emotions, also known as trauma. And this can be done with the assistance of a therapist or a healer.
There are many challenges in the world today and some these are big and some of them are small. And a lack of boundaries can create all kinds of relationship problems. This is also something that can be seen on a global scale; with certain countries going into other countries.
This often takes place without permission or the need to do so, and when this does happen, one country is violating the boundaries of another. So this is not just something individuals have to face and deal with, whole countries are also having to the same problem.
And when boundaries are not in place, there will either be walls or there will be nothing at all. Here, one will be wide open and feel that they have no way of protecting themselves.
Some countries have walls and as a result of this, they can have all kinds of weapons, laws and methods to stop people from entering.
Of they will be wide open and this means that they are completely vulnerable. There is then no way for them to decide who comes in or who leaves. Another option is when a country swings between each one; so at times they will have walls and appear very strict and at others they will have nothing.
And the idea of the country could be that anything goes and there are no rules. Without a country having a balance between saying yes and saying no, it can only create an imbalance. Trying to please everyone never works.
So to bring our attention back to the individual and away from what is taking place globally, it is obvious that a lack of boundaries is going to create similar challenges. The ideal will be to have strong and healthy boundaries; this means that walls are not necessary and the feeling of being completely wide open is rarely experienced.
This will allow one to have deeper connections with others, experience intimacy and to embrace the world to a degree that feels right. And when it doesn’t feel right, they can retract and create a healthy distance. But this will be a choice and not something that is imposed upon them or done out of fear.
When one doesn’t have strong boundaries, there is going to be the need to build walls or they will feel vulnerable around others and conclude that they have no control over what others do or don’t do.
One can also compromise others peoples boundaries as way to protect themselves. With them having the conscious or unconscious outlook of ’attack or being attacked’. To have a life of no boundaries is not going to be too pleasant. Inherently, one doesn’t feel safe and this leads to: putting up walls, letting other people get too close or causing others to feel compromised.
This relates to ones very survival and without boundaries, one could end up losing their life. But in most cases, it won’t be this extreme; it could just cause them to lead a life that is abusive and empty.
And the body is where one feels safe or unsafe and so it is here that one will feel compromised or vulnerable. The mind may create thoughts or have beliefs about what is or is not taking place.
However, it is ones feelings and emotions that will be the biggest factors in if one feels safe or not. These will typically define if one stands up for themselves, retracts or steps into another person’s space.
And while these feelings and emotions could appear through what is taking place; if this has become a way of life for someone, then it there could be something else at work. In this instance, one would have a pattern and this wouldn’t be something that happens on the odd occasion.
Besides, if it happened now and then one would probably know how to handle it, but if it something that happens all the time, then they probably wouldn’t. And this is made clear through them not utilising their boundaries.
These ways of behaving would be how life is for them. Walls are then something they have become familiar with or feeling wide open is the only thing they know, and so too could violating others peoples space.
So beyond these habitual ways of behaving could be trapped emotions and feelings. And these will be in the body, so it doesn’t matter what the mind thinks or doesn’t think, the body will be in control.
How one behaves will then just happen and go on out of their awareness. These trapped feelings and emotions could go right back to when one was a baby and a child. And although time has passed, they have remained in one’s body and are then controlling how one responds to life.
If one tuned into these feelings they might end up feeling: smothered, overwhelmed, fearful, engulfed, anxious, powerless, hopeless, violated, vulnerable, ashamed, guilty, angry and that they are going to die, amongst other things.
And if one was violated in these ways during their younger years, it is highly unlikely that they would have felt safe enough to embrace how they felt. These feelings would have had to have been kept in and as a result of this, they become stuck.
So while times have changed, the feelings are still in ones body and this then cause’s one to act in ways that done serve them. Attracting people and being attracted to people who trigger these feelings and emotions will be a natural consequence of ones emotional past still being in their body.
Once these are released from one’s body, one will be able to be present and no longer recreate their past experiences of being violated and compromised. This can be done with the assistance of a therapist or a healer who will allow one to get in touch with them and gradually release them.
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Oliver J R Cooper
On a physical level, men and women are clearly very different; with men having features that relate to the masculine and women having features that relate to the feminine. And while this much is obvious and easily recognisable, what they are like within is not as easy to describe.
But as a rule, women are often seen as being emotional and men as logical. These are typically seen as the truth as to what men and woman are like on the inside. And based on this outlook, not only are they very different on the outside, they are also very different on the inside.
This view is generally supported by popular culture and through different historical sources. So as a result of this, when woman act emotional it is nothing more than what is expected of them and therefore it is accepted.
And when men come across as logical it is also what is expected from them and again, this is typically accepted. But when these ways reverse and women act logical and men act emotional, it is often frowned upon.
As these roles have been around for so long and engrained into human beings for many, many years, to see this role reversal can create a sense of discomfort; especially as men and women have been seen as so different for such a long time.
And when something has been a certain way for a while, when it does change, there is naturally going to be a period of unrest and unease. Shortly after this period or phase, comfort will start to appear and this new way will be accepted in most cases.
Once it is accepted, it will no longer be noticed and all or most opposition to it will disappear. If it doesn’t disappear, then it could be repressed and come out in ways that are unconscious.
Because what these changes in roles reveal is that on the inside, men and woman are not all that different. Women have emotions and yet they also have the ability to be logical. Men have a logical side and they too also have an emotional side.
Beyond conditioning and how each gender supposedly is or is not, men and women are inherently emotional beings. One of the main differences is that women are generally allowed to embrace their emotions and men are typically not allowed to.
When it comes to being a man, emotions are rarely mentioned. A man is someone who is unaffected by emotions, strong and stable. To be emotional and therefore vulnerable, is often seen as a sign that a man is weak and not yet a man.
So a man could then be forced into denying his emotional nature. But this doesn’t mean that a man would do this consciously; it could just happen as a result of their upbringing, social circle and the society that they live in.
And if they do become aware of what they are doing, they could feel that there is too much external pressure for them to be able to leave the role that they are playing .They are then either consciously or unconsciously denying a big part of who they are.
Just because one has lost touch with their emotions, it doesn’t mean that there will not be consequences. Some of these may be able to be overlooked and others will leave a big mark on their life.
However, if they have always been this way, these consequences could be seen as normal and even part of what it means to be a man. Evolutionary psychology might also end up being used, as a way to validate some of these ways of behaving.
When a man is emotionally cut off and doesn’t embrace the whole emotional spectrum, it can lead to two occurrences. A man can end up being very familiar with an emotion that is seen as being masculine and that is anger. For a man to be seen as being scared or sad is one thing, but to be seen as angry is all well and good.
Another option for a man is to be passive and generally emotionally numb. Nothing then lifts them and nothing lowers them; the middle ground is what they are familiar with.
The fact that men are often more violent than women, can perhaps be put down to them being more comfortable with expressing anger. Below the anger is going to be a feeling of being compromised or violated in some way. But instead of embracing these deeper emotions, like woman often do, men often get stuck in the anger.
A woman may express her pain to a close friend or family member or she could act it in, as opposed to acting it out like a man often does. Talking to people about how she feels allows her to process what took place and to not be controlled by the emotional consequences of the event.
When a man is cut off from his emotions, certain needs can end up being a mystery. And one of these is the need to experience physical intimacy. To experience this directly through a relationship could cause painful emotions to appear, such as being: smothered, trapped, overwhelmed and engulfed.
But as this need won’t go away, it can end up manifesting into a high sex drive and a man can have the desire to engage in interactions with woman that only consist of having sex. A man is often portrayed as someone who only wants sex and yet they are rarely seen as people who need physical intimacy.
Sex is a way for them to experience physical intimacy, without having to get in touch with how they truly feel. And if they were in a relationship, the pressure would be there for them to do so. And through being emotional cut off, it makes having just sex a lot easier. As if they are not aware of how they feel, there is no chance of them becoming attached to the other person.
This could explain why women are often seen as wanting a relationship and men as seen as just wanting sex. Women, though being in touch with how they feel, are able to embrace physical intimacy; whereas men don’t and channel this need into experiencing monetary intimacy through having sex.
To be emotionally repressed is also going to inhibit a man’s ability to have an intimate relationship. In order for one to from a deeper relationship with another person and to people in general, they need to be emotionally connected.
This is how intimacy is created, without it; no depth is going to be experienced. And when a relationships ends, women have their friends to go to for support. But when this happens to a man, because they are not emotionally in tune with themselves, their friends are usually the same and this means that they can end up suffering in silence.
The need will be there to reveal how they feel and yet to do this as a man can cause them to be labelled in some way. So drugs, sex and alcohol can be used to deal with the pain indirectly. And depression can also arise from not dealing with the pain of a relationship ending, as well as be a consequence of them denying their emotions in general.
It is often said that women grow up faster than men and one reason for this could be due to women being in touch with their emotions. To avoid them doesn’t make them go away, what it can do is cause one to stay emotionally stuck.
And if a man has repressed his emotions since he was a child, then it is not going to be much of a surprise when he comes across as not having grown up or emotionally developed.
These are just some ways that repression can impact a man’s life and there are many others. If a man has repressed their emotions for a while it could mean that they have a lot of trapped emotions in their body.
And these will need to be realised before they can feel comfortable with their emotions and feel emotionally balanced. This can be done with the assistance of a therapist or healer, or through a supportive friend or partner.
Although each one of us has a body, it doesn’t mean that everyone feels that it is safe to be in their body. It might even sound confusing as to how this could be; especially as one’s body is a big part of who they are.
Instead of one being in their body, what they can end up doing is living in their head. This is not something that one usually chooses to do at conscious level; it is something that can happen as a result of certain experiences occurring in their life.
To be stuck in one’s head is one experience that someone can have, as is the experience of being outside one’s body. This is typically described as dissociation and this can create the illusion of being outside of oneself.
But whether it is being in one’s head or outside one’s body, or both depending on the situation, it is not going to make life very enjoyable. It can cause one to be cut off from their emotions and unable to use these to manage their life.
Or they could go to the other extreme as a rule or at certain times, and become consumed by their emotions and feelings. When this happens, it will be more or less impossible to think properly and to do such things as: planning, organising and being on time for meetings or appointments.
One is then stuck in their emotional brain or they are stuck in their survival brain for instance; instead of being able to use these two together, along with their thinking brain.
And while as human beings we often live in a house or flat and call that our home, there is another place that is our true home. And without one feeling at home in their body, it is likely to be a real challenge for someone to feel at home anywhere.
The disconnection that they have with their own body is also going to be experienced as an outer disconnection. What is going on internally is going to be reflected in ones external reality. This can then go onto include the feeling that one doesn’t belong on the planet.
So having the feeling of being connected to the earth and supported is not going to be there or if it is there, it will not be a consistent experience. Instead, one can feel cut off from life and as if their head is in the clouds.
Here, one won’t experience life as a participator; they will experience life as an observer. As someone who is looking in from the outside and as nothing more than a bystander. To be an observer is of course an important ability to have, but not as a way of life.
Life might then be something that one can’t fully engage with and embrace. What it is for this person is something that they must endure and face. Survival is something that they can relate to and thriving is then nothing more than a fancy word.
One might be able to become aware of their needs and wants during certain times, but to be able to do this on consistent basis, one needs to live in their body. So instead of one knowing what they truly need and want, they can end up being caught up in other peoples need and wants.
This is often classed as being a people pleaser or an approval seeker. But if one doesn’t feel safe in their body it means that they don’t feel safe to be themselves. And so following others can appear to be the only option available that is safe.
But this doesn’t just include big decisions that one makes or things that could put them in the spotlight, it can cover just about everything. In order for one to stand their ground and to go after their own dreams in life, they will need to feel safe enough to do so.
When it comes to one going on a long journey and knowing that they will be able to complete the journey, it will be imperative that they have a reliable car. Without this they might not make the whole trip or if they do, it could be one that is full of unnecessary problems.
And one’s body is very similar to having a car that works. The body, like the car, is the vehicle that one travels through life with. The driver can do what they need to by having a car; without the car the driver is not going to get very far.
Having a mind is one thing, but without a body, ones experience of life is not going to be too pleasant. This doesn’t mean that one has to lose their body in a physical sense, as one can have a body and yet experience life as if they haven’t got one.
So being in the body allows one to experience a life that includes: emotion, connection, pleasure, peace, comfort and of being in the present moment. And being in one’s head or above it, can lead to the complete opposite of these.
For some people, being out of their body will be how it has been for their whole life. Through being like this for so long, one might not even know that this is not how it should be. And for others, this will be a relatively new occurrence.
To leave the body is normal when it has become too painful to be there. And living in one’s head is a natural consequence of an emotional build up in the body. Another description that is used for trapped emotions is trauma. When emotions are not allowed to be released, they end up staying in the body.
So this could be the result of an experience that was extremely traumatic or an accumulation of experiences that had the same effect. Ones adult years and well as their childhood could be where the answers lie to these questions.
Adult trauma can be easier to pin point, but when it comes to childhood trauma, the mind can forgot and yet the body will never forget. How the body shows this could confusing though and not be the easiest thing to understand; especially if one’s mind has come to the conclusion that these symptoms are normal and how life is.
These trapped feelings and emotions will need to be released from one’s body in order for them to feel safe there. This can be done with the assistance of a therapist of a healer who allows one to feel them and gradually release them.
How long this process takes can depend on how much of a build up one has and how safe they feel with the therapist or healer. If one feels safe and is able to let go, change can happen faster than if one doesn’t feel that it is safe for them to let go. So finding the right therapist or healer will be the key.
When it comes to being a human being, there are certain needs that each one of us has. And while there can be certain differences between people, these are ones that apply to more or less everyone.
But while needs are something that each one of us have, it doesn’t mean that one always feels comfortable with having them. Having needs can feel like a burden and one can end up feeling ashamed for having them.
So it is not always a case of having them and then getting them met in a way that is relatively straight forward. It could be that one has them and yet feels incredible awkward having them and sees them as something that one wishes they never even had.
This means that one is not independent and that they are inherently interdependent. To feel there is something wrong with having needs is then to feel that there is something wrong with being human.
And even though being human means being interdependent, it doesn’t mean that one feels comfortable with this truth. Independence is often seen as the way to be and as a sign that one has grown up. However, if one was to take a deeper look, they would soon see that it is just a word and doesn’t reflect the nature of reality.
These needs that each one of us has are going to cover a wide range of things. And some of these will be able to be fulfilled by friends and family, and others will only be able to be met through having an intimate relationship.
While one can cuddle a friend or a family member for instance; this will never be the same as if they were cuddling another man or woman who they are in a relationship with for example.
Friends and family can only provide a certain degree of nurturing; in order for one to experience something deeper and broader they will have to be in a relationship. The physical side of things is one of the great benefits of being in a relationship with another person.
Here one can experience being connected and loved by another human being. Love obviously relates to more than just having ones physical needs met, but this is one part of it. If a group of people were asked what love means to them, in relation to a relationship, it is inevitable that being: held, touched and caressed would be mentioned. Either through these words or through others words that mean the same thing.
Although one has these physical needs and therefore desires to be in a relationship, as a way to fulfil these needs and many others, it doesn’t mean that this feels right or comfortable for them.
So at a deeper level one will have these needs and these can’t be removed, no matter what one does or doesn’t do. However, due to certain experiences that one has had in their life, from birth and up until the present moment, one can feel at odds with them.
The natural need to be in a relationship with another can then end up being sabotaged. And not because of what is taking place externally, but as a result of what is going on within someone.
These associations can include all kinds of meanings and yet there are a few that will have a big impact. Here one can end up feeling that if they were to be in a relationship and have these physical needs met, they would be: smothered, engulfed, trapped and overwhelmed. As well as a deep feeling of shame for having needs and that one could be abandoned and rejected for having them.
To have these associations is going to cause conflict and they will end up creating problems when it comes to experiencing intimacy. But even though this division does exist within someone, it doesn’t mean that one’s physical needs will simply disappear.
They are still going to be there and instead of them being met through a relationship, one can use another way to get them met. And while this way will not be truly fulfilling, what it will do is allow one to momentarily experience what it would be like to be in a relationship.
So what one can do as a way to experience the physical side of a relationship and without all their feelings coming up in regards to intimacy - is to have sex. This could be a casual relationship; where it’s purely sex or what is often classed as a one night stand.
One is then able to experience physical closeness, but without them having to feel their emotions in relation to intimacy. What can also take place is that one’s sex drive can increase, as a result of their physical needs not being met.
One can then end up coming to the conclusion that they have a high sex drive and need to have plenty of sex in order to meet this need. But this could simply be a conditioned reflex and one that allows them to regulate their emotional pain.
At a deeper level, this could be a consequence of their need to experience physical intimacy not being met. As they only know how to meet this need by having sex; this is what feels comfortable and safe. When what this person really needs is to be intimate with another human being. And while sex will be a part of this, there will be so much more.
If one can relate to this challenge and is having difficulty in having their needs met, it will be important for them to seek some kind of assistance. Because having needs is normal and if one feels that this is not the case, it will be a sign that some kind of letting go needs to occur.
It could be that one has trapped emotions and feelings in their body and these could go back to when one was a baby and a child. These can be released with the assistance of a therapist of a healer who allows one to face them and release them. As this takes place, one can begin to feel comfortable with having needs and embracing true intimacy; if that is what they desire.
Although one can have the desire to be in an intimate relationship with someone, it doesn’t mean that this feels comfortable. In their mind this could be what they want and yet when it comes to making this a reality, it doesn’t feel right.
What feels right is for them to stay away from intimacy in general and should they happen to get into a relationship, then there will be the urge for it to end. And this urge could arise as soon as it has begun. So this is going to create conflict and self sabotage is going to take place.
The need to experience intimacy is not going to go away and so even though one can feel smothered by it; it doesn’t mean that they will just give up. Putting this need to one side and forgetting about it is unlikely; at least in the long term.
So although this can lead one getting into a relationship and then ending it shortly after or even avoiding intimacy all together, there are other options. And while these options won’t be the same, what they will do is create short term intimacy or give one a quick dose of it.
Modern Day Relating
Here, one could have what are often described as ‘casual relationships’. In some cases this could mean that one is just seeing another person; with their being no commitment or even the mention of it being a relationship. One might have a number of people in their life that they see, but that is about as far as it goes.
And a big part or the only part of these relationships is sex. What sex does, it allows one to experience closeness with another and even experience the illusion of love for a very short time. It won’t lead to deeper fulfilment or a real connection with someone; what it will do is allow one to feel close to another without feeling smothered or trapped by them.
These types of interactions allow one to stay at a distance that feels safe and doesn’t cause their deeper fears to arise. The challenge is that these types of relationships are never going to be truly fulfilling or allow one to feel like a whole human being.
The Other Side
Or one might avoid physical contact in general out of this fear being so strong. And through being out of touch with this fear, they might come to the conclusion that they are unlucky, a victim or have no control in this area of their life.
When what it comes down to is the fact that they have unconsciously built walls around themselves. And the mind will then create all kinds of stories as to why one doesn’t experience intimacy, but at a deeper level it is what feels safe.
The Short Term
To engage in casual relationships from time to time is not going to cause too many problems. One could have just ended one relationship and so they don’t want too much. However, if this way of relating is a way of life, the consequences are going to be different.
In today’s society, these ways of relating are often seen as normal and to be a reflection of how people have evolved. When in reality, what they often reveal is the human need to experience intimacy on one side and the tendency to avoid pain on the other.
The need to experience closeness with another is part of being human and yet what is not natural to being human is to feel fearful of getting close to another. If this was normal, then the whole human species may have died out many years ago.
So something is clearly not right here and while one can feel that this emotional experience is part of who they are, it is nothing more than a parasite. It has taken over one’s ability to responding to their real needs and wants and is causing them to act in ways that are not in their best interests.
Here one is not going to just have a few thoughts that they are being smothered, it will be a whole body experience. And this could be a very primal experience and cause them to feel as though they are going to die.
To look at this logically, it is unlikely that one is going to die. But emotionally, this is how powerful his experience can be. So this is a serious challenge and not something that can be dismissed or even thought out of.
The biggest cause for these feelings will be what happened when one was a baby and a child. How emotionally in tune and aware their caregiver was during these moments will have been of the upmost importance.
During these formative years, one is completely dependent on their caregiver’s awareness of them. So it is vital that their caregiver is able to tune into how they are responding; this relates to when they have had enough contact and when they are in need of more.
If this caregiver was generally aware and in tune it would have been fine. But when this didn’t happen, one would have had no way of protecting themselves and would have felt: smothered, engulfed, overwhelmed, trapped and even have felt the need to die as a result. And at this age one was powerless and there was nothing that they could do about it.
As an adult, one has a choice in what takes place. However, what can create the illusion of having no choice is due to having these same feelings and emotions trapped in one’s body. So while one has physically grown, they can still feel the same emotionally.
One’s mind may have grown since then, but what hasn’t grown in the same way is their emotional body. So as soon as one gets close to another, they end up regressing back to these early experiences.
These feelings and emotions can be trapped all over one’s body. Their shoulders, chest and upper back can be where a lot of them are trapped. And then further down their body, just above their stomach, in what is often called the ego, is likely to be where the experience of death is held.
One will need to get in touch with these feelings and emotions and release them in order to be present and to realise that they have a choice as an adult. This will allow them to finally embrace intimacy without fearing that they will lose themselves. This can be done with the assistance of a therapist or a healer.
When it comes to feeling connected to other people and having a sense of being understood, it is vital that one is not only honest with themselves about what they are going through, but that they are honest with others to.
Now, this is going to be more relevant with the people that one is closest too, such as: friends, family, colleagues and their partner. One is not going to be able to experience this level of openness with everyone that they come across in life.
So this is likely to be limited to a select group of people. But this is not necessarily going to be a bad thing, as the type of connections that one can have through being this way, are going to be ones that are fulfilling and life enhancing.
Here, one is going to feel comfortable and safe to be themselves and to show who they truly are. There won’t be any masks worn or illusions created, what there will be is one expressing their true selves.
The other person will follow suit and also feel safe enough to express their true self. And relationships like these often take time to develop and rarely happen overnight. In some instances, one might meet another person and feel an instant connection
Even though they have only just met them, they feel that they can be who they are and do not feel the need to put on an act or pretend that they are someone else. When this takes place it is understandably a breath of fresh air and can make one realise that life can flow and doesn’t always have to be a challenge.
This will be a relationships one when shares who they are and doesn’t cut our or edit certain parts in order to be accepted. Acceptance is generally there no matter what one has to say. By having this level of openness, one is able to feel a connection that is deep and meaningful.
What one thinks, how they feel about something and their views about life will be heard, even if they are not always agreed with. One is given the respect and the attention to share each of these aspects and not made to feel that they can only reveal certain things or that some parts of them are not acceptable.
A Whole Relationship
So here, one will feel that they are relating to the other person as a whole human being and not as a fractured one. This is in and of itself, will lead to an inner wellbeing and to a sense of freedom. Ones feelings, the ‘good’ and the ‘bad’, will be accepted and embraced.
As will their thoughts and opinions about minor things in their life, to things that are more substantial and impactful. To expect this from everyone would be to delude oneself and would only create frustration and endless experiences of being let down.
But, this doesn’t mean that one can’t have this kind of connection with a number of people in their, if they haven’t already. Perhaps the primary person that one would expect this from is their partner, if they have one. And then this would filter out to friends; while family often have to accepted for who they are, regardless to whether they match up to one’s ideals.
For some people, being in relationships with others who stop them from being who they really are will be a way of life. It could be something that seems normal and how life is. And the fact there is another way of relating might not even be known.
So here, one could be in relationship with someone and feel pressured to deny certain parts of themselves. Some parts of them are then accepted and others parts end up being rejected.
This is going to make one feel that who they are is not acceptable and that they can only be accepted by putting on an act. The strength and wellbeing that comes with being a whole human being will not be realised under these circumstances.
The Rejected Parts
One might not know that parts of their nature are being denied or as a result of this going on for so long, may have forgotten that it wasn’t always like this. So if they were to realise what is taking place, it might be for the first time in their life.
And although these parts are going to be different for everyone, they are going to relate to certain areas. One might find that their thoughts, ideas and views are often dismissed or that their feelings and emotions are rejected by someone.
These are vital for having a real relationship and without them; one is going to feel that something is missing. Here one could be told that what they think of believe doesn’t matter or perhaps it is ‘silly’.
This is an important area, firstly because we are emotional beings and secondly, because to deny how we feel is not healthy or functional. However, there will be times when one has to keep their feelings to themselves and more so then they are around people they are not too close to.
But when it comes to ones primary relationships, they will want to be able to be emotionally honest. And this can be about a minor emotional experience or something that has had a massive affect on one’s life. When there is resistance from another, it could relate to how the other person is in general and it can also be due to a current challenge in their life.
Holding The Space
And during this time, one may simply want another to listen and be there for them. This is often described as a more feminine approach and relates to just being. What they are rarely looking for is for another to tell them how they should feel or that they should get over it or just let go.
To do this would be a more masculine approach and relates more to doing something. When this happens and one is not heard, it can be incredibly frustrating and cause one to feel invalidated.
One of the most common reasons for this is because the other person doesn’t feel comfortable with their own emotions. So if one was go there and be open about their own feelings, it might remind the other person of their own.
They could have years of repression and even deny what their true feelings are in most cases. When one is comfortable with their own emotions, it is a lot easier to feel comfortable with another person’s emotions.
So when one feels that they are not being heard and even feels ashamed for having emotions, there are two things at work here. One is that the person is likely to have their own emotional challenges. And the other is that this may reflect back one’s emotional unease.
As one starts to feel more comfortable with their emotions, they may find that the people they spend their time with adapt to this and become more open themselves. Or one might create new relationships and let go off others.
Assistance may also be required if one doesn’t feel comfortable with their emotions and feels overwhelmed or controlled by them whenever they face them. This could be through a therapist or a healer.
When one is a baby and then a child, they are completely dependent on their parent’s responses to them. Through their caregivers responding, one will be able to have their need for food and nurturing to be met.
And this also goes on to include one’s self image and how they view themselves. This will generally be formed by how ones caregivers acted or don’t act towards them. At this age, one needs their caregivers to mirror back what they are going through.
So this can include: how one feels, what they are good at, what their needs are and what kind of person they are. Done in the right way, this can cause one to create a strong and healthy sense of self.
This is often described as the true self and this early mirroring could set one up for life. The challenge here is that this doesn’t always take place and this can lead to all kinds of problems not only as a child, but for ones whole life.
The Missing Element
So instead of one having each part mirrored by their caregivers, they won’t receive any or if they do, they will receive the wrong type. But even if they don’t receive any, they are still going face the same consequences and that is the absence of healthy mirroring.
There will naturally be extremes to this and of course, no caregiver can always mirror their child in the right way. However, this is not necessary, what is necessary is that one receives just enough. Ones needs and wants could be ignored, as could their feelings, and this could result in their true identity being covered up and overlooked.
In this case, one might develop what is often described as a ‘false self’. With their true self not being given the chance to see the light of day, they are then forced into creating a whole view of themselves that will please the people in their environment.
This is also going to create a lot of pain and suffering, because the true self will not simply be covered up and forgotten about. As a child this will have to be denied; but as an adult, this pain can come to the surface. It might not be faced though and could still be denied.
Another common consequence of not being mirrored during these years is a lack of emotional development. One might have worn a mask that allowed them to survive as a child and continued to wear this as an adult, but underneath the mask is likely to be a needy child.
A child that is calling out to be: loved, nurtured and validated for who they are. But although this is true, taking off this mask can create a lot of pain and suffering in the short term. So unless one has the drive, a sense of their being something more and the right support, they might not even bother.
Level Of Competence
Without healthy mirroring during these years, one is unlikely to feel competent as a child or as an adult. Of course, as an adult one has the potential to experience more control in how they see themselves. Whereas when they are a child, their whole identity is completely dependent on the people around them.
Although one does have more control as an adult, they are still going to be affected by what others do or do not mirror back to them about who they are and what they are capable off. No one is their own island and each one of us is interdependent.
A Healthy Self Image
If one does feel competent and sees themselves in an empowering way, it will be either the result of their childhood years or what happened after these years. One could have met someone who saw them in a different way to others. And even though this may have been just one against the many, it was enough for their true self to gradually grow.
Or this could have been due to one seeking the assistance of a therapist, healer or some kind of mentor. This person might have used a fancy technique or had all the tools under the sun, but what really made the difference was the fact that they saw ones true nature.
One could be extremely good at something or highly intelligent in one or many areas of life, but all the time they go without the right mirroring, they won’t realise it. If they were to receive feedback from the right people, their whole life could be transformed.
Holding The Space
They held the space for one to gradually leave the roles that they were playing and allowed them to step into their power. It is often said that a therapist is just as important as a technique and this comes back to how important mirroring is. When one feels comfortable with them, they can relax and truly let go of what is holding them back.
The People In Our Life
When one is a child, they exercise very little control in who they are or are not around. Their parents are their parents and that’s the end of it in most cases. As an adult, one has a lot more control in who they spend their time with.
So the people that one classes as friends will often be the ones who mirror back to them how they see themselves. Or if this is not the case, then one could be operating from their false self and feel that they have no choice in the matter.
Relationships can end when ones idea of who they are changes and the other person is responding to them in the same way. The connection has been broken and unless one compromises or the other person embraces the change, it will be over.
The Right Mirroring
If one is not receiving the right mirroring in life it will be important to make some changes. This is not so that everyone that one meets will give them the right mirroring in life; this is not possible or necessary.
What matters is receiving this from the people one is close to and spends most of their time with. If ones idea of themselves was not shaped by the external world, then one could spend their time with anyone and have nothing to worry about.
This is not the case, so one needs to be aware of who they spend their time with and if these people reflect who they are and what they stand for. And if one feels like they are completely disconnected from their true self and wonders if they have it in them to realise it, then it will be important for them to seek the assistance of a therapist or a healer.
Oliver JR Cooper
Teacher, Author, Transformational Writer & Consultant - With Over 2,000,000 Article Views Online.
That which is contained within these articles is based on my own empirical understanding and is true for me at the time they were written. However, as I continue to grow, what I perceive as the truth will inevitably change and as a result of this - parts of these articles may not reflect my current outlook.
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