If the people one spent their time with had no effect on their life it wouldn’t matter who they had around them. But as human beings are interdependent and are therefore constantly being affected by the people around them, one has to choose their company wisely. When one walks into a room where food is being cooked or there is a certain aroma, it won’t be long until they end up smelling the same as the environment they are in. Their clothes and hair have absorbed the smell, and one will need to change their clothes and to have a shower/bath in order to return to how they were before. Straight Forward But while it is relatively straight forward when it comes to a smell, the same can’t be said when it comes to what one picks up from others. What happens externally can end up being internalised and go on to create one belief’s about themselves and the world. Having a shower or a shower/bath might make one feel better after being around someone or a group of people who are dysfunctional, but it is unlikely to do much else. They will need to use their mind to challenge what took place and if that’s the only thing they do, that might not be enough either. The Ideal They might need to cut their ties with the people or the person who is causing them to feel drained and who is lowering the quality of their life. And once they have done this, it could be like going into rehab. This is because one will need to cleanse themselves so to speak and to get back it touch with who they are. From here, one will then need to spend their time with people who are healthy and inspirational. But if one is unable to find people who are like this, this could sound idealistic. Reality Being around people who are far from life enhancing could be what is normal and even how their life has always been. One might not know what it’s like to be around people who are supportive and life enhancing. There are going to be others who have always had these kinds of people around them and this might be the only thing they have known. Just as there are going to be people whose life started this way and who had to gradually build a life that was filled with people who are healthy and inspirational. Set In Stone So while one could believe that their life is set in stone and that there is nothing they can do to change it, they can draw inspiration from people who have transformed their life. And as no one is their own island, it is vital that they have the right support around them. This means that one will need to be around others who are going to make them want to move forward and to achieve their goals. Who bring out the best in them as opposed to the worst and who focus on what is wrong with them. Reality However, for one reason or another, it is not always possible for one to be around the kind of people who inspire them. This could be because of where one lives or it might relate to how old they are and how they are not old enough to take control of this area of their life. The people one is around or a certain person is then not going to inspire them but what they can do is give them an example of how they don’t want to be. One is then not going to be moving towards what they see; they are going to be moving away from it. Clarity There is then the chance that one is unclear as to what they want but they know what they don’t want and this can enable them to have a heightened sense of awareness around what is not right for them. And as they know what they don’t want, it is going to be a lot easier for them to notice what they do want. Through being completely clear about what is not right for them, they will have an inner sense of clarity. When they think about what it is they don’t want, it is likely to make them feel uncomfortable. The pain that they feel can then drive them forward and towards what they do want to experience in their life. Pain Alternatively, one could just end up feeling frustrated and hopeless and not allow their pain to build. But if they embrace their pain and don’t remove it through some kind of addiction, it can give them the drive they need. Positive Role Models The next stage will be for them to actively look for positive role models. In the beginning, one might have to find them in books or films and then as time passes, they might meet people who inspire them. What matters is that one doesn’t give up and stays focused on the kind of people they want to be around. If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article, as many others have. Oliver J R Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk/
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Over the years, many points of view have been put forward as to what causes one person to be attracted to another. These have come from scientists, relationship experts and everyone in between. And while some of these views can sound accurate and as though they reflect reality, it doesn’t mean this is actually the case. Women are said to go for one thing and men for another and one doesn’t need to look very far to see there are always exceptions. Nevertheless, if one matches up with what is classed as attractive everything could be fine but if they don’t, it could make them believe that they are therefore ‘unattractive’. The first person is likely to end up feeling good about themselves and the second person could end up feeling hopeless. Physical Appearances While it is possible for one to change their behaviour or how they come across to others, the same cant always be said about their appearance. And as it is one’s appearance that is often said to define whether they are attractive or not, there is only so much one can do. Cosmetic surgery is gradually becoming more socially acceptable but even with surgery, there are limits. A woman can have breasts implants or have bottom implants and a man can have liposuction, for instance. No Guarantees If one doesn’t look a certain way it is going to be normal for them to admire people who do have certain features. They could wonder what their life would be like if they looked the same and this could even go as far as them having cosmetic surgery. And while being physically attractive can make one’s life easier (it has been said that one’s physical appearance can play a part in how far they go in their career and if they are charged or let off for a crime), it doesn’t mean that one is going to have fulfilling relationships. Men and Women At this time, women have more options than men do when it comes to changing their appearance. And as men are more visual than women, this doesn’t mean that men are therefore worse off. For a man it is not so much about how he looks as it is about how he behaves. So while man can look right, if he doesn’t behave right it is not going to make much difference. As for women, they can look a certain way but unless they value themselves and are emotionally together, they are not going to attract healthy men into their life. More than Appearances What this comes down to is the fact that one’s physical appearance is just one part of the equation; the other part is what is going on inside them. For example: a car might look incredible, but unless the engine is up to standard it won’t be going very far. How a car looks will create attention but once one is in the car, it will all come down to how it runs. And the same could be said about people – how they look might create interest, but after a while it will come down to what else they have to offer. Individual Requirements However, if one is only looking for a surface level relationship and not one where they open up, it won’t matter about what’s inside as it will be all about appearances. In this case, how the other person makes one look and the image that they present to the world will be the only thing that matters. Yet if one wants to have relationships that are real, it will be important for them to focus on what is taking place within them and not just how they look. Once one does feel comfortable on the inside, they might find it easier to accept how they look on the outside. Attraction On one side, there is how one is attracted to another person based on how they look and then there is how one can be attracted to someone because of how they feel. This is not to say that these two aspects are separate - what it means is that one’s emotional needs can take precedence. Here, one won’t be focused on whether the other person looks right, as they will be consumed by their emotional needs. Although the ideal is for one’s mind, heart and body to work together, this doesn’t always take place. Abandonment When one feels emotionally centred they are going to be attracted to a certain type of person and when this is not the case, they are likely to be attracted to people who are completely different. So if one feels abandoned for instance, it could cause them to go with whoever is available. Due to how powerful this feeling is, it might not matter what their mind says about the other person; they are in pain and they want of feel different. And while the other person will regulate how they feel, they could end up going with people who are far from healthy. Short-term Solution In the short-term, one will no longer feel abandoned but if this is the only reason why they are with the other person, there could be other problems that arise as time passes. The other person might not be compatible and they could end up being controlling or abusive. This is partly because one is coming from a place of desperation and neediness. The people they attract are then likely to pick up on this at a deeper level and to see them as easy targets. A Closer Look It is often said that it is not possible for one to feel abandoned as an adult and how this only applies to a child. Yet, if one was neglected during their childhood and these emotional experiences have not been processed and have therefore remained trapped in their body, they can feel like they did all those years ago. As a result of being left as a child, not only will one have felt abandoned, this would have affected their ability to regulate their own emotions (as it is through being regulated by one’s caregivers that one develops the ability to regulate themselves). One is then in pain and no one is there to regulate how they feel, and as they can’t regulate themselves, the pain would have ended up staying in their body. Awareness The years go by but one is still carrying the pain within them and they can’t regulate how they feel. So it is only natural that they are going to be times when they find it hard to be discerning and end up being drawn to whoever is available. These emotional experiences of the past will need to be faced as released and as this takes place, one will gradually develop their ability to regulate their own emotions. This can take place with the assistance of a therapist or a healer. They will also provide the positive regard that one didn’t receive all those years ago and this is a vital part of the process. If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article, as many others have.
Oliver J R Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk/
While there have always been people who have had affairs, it is probably easier than ever before to have one. This is because of modern-day technology and how the internet has given people the chance to find someone without even leaving their home.
One can then use their phone to keep in contact with the other person (or other people if there is more than one person) and this can allow them to keep it all hidden. So there is no need for someone to write letters or to even speak on the phone; it can all be done without needing to send anything physical and without needing to make a sound. These things could still take place but they no longer need to, and this can lower the risk of one being found out. The internet has also made it possible for one to meet someone in another part of the country or even another country; thereby creating a safe distance from where they live. Web Sites There are normal dating sites and ones where one can go to that give them the chance to have an affair. So no matter what one’s needs are, there is a site to take care of their needs. One doesn’t even need to upload a picture and they can keep their identity hidden. This will then give them the chance to talk to people in their area and to people who are further afield. Based on the research that these sites do, it has even been said that some places are worse than others when it comes to affairs. The Traditional Way However, one doesn’t need to join an internet site in order to have an affair - they simply need to find someone in the ‘real world’. One could meet someone on a night out or it could be someone who they work with. Whoever this person is attracted to or who is there to take care of their needs can end up being the person who they end up having an affair with. And while they could be similar to the person one is with, they might be the complete opposite. In The Beginning There are going to be some people who are looking for someone else - it is on their mind and they are going to do everything they can to find someone. And then there are going to be some people who just seem to end up having an affair. In this case, one wasn’t consciously looking for someone but at a deeper level, they needed something. And as this need or a number of needs were not being met by the person they are with, the other person was seen as the solution to their problems. Inner Conflict What this can show is that one is experiencing inner conflict, and if their needs were being met, this wouldn’t be the case. One could be aware of this conflict or they could deny what is taking place within them. Either way, it is still going to be defining their behaviour and they could soon be leading a double life. Communication So when it comes to people who have affairs, it is often a sign that there is a breakdown in communication. How one is not talking to their partner about what is going on for them and what their needs are. Instead, one is talking to another person about what their needs are and looking for them to fulfil them. And what can make it easier for one to go with someone else is if they feel emotionally disconnected from their partner. Emotionally Disconnected If one felt emotionally connected to their partner it would be harder for them to have an affair. Having this connection is likely to mean that one talks to their partner and opens up. Each person is then in tune with each other and the need to look elsewhere is greatly reduced. One can feel emotionally disconnected due to a number of reasons and this could be the result of what is happening externally and/or it could be the result of what is taking place within them. Reasons Perhaps one no longer feels attracted to the other person and that is why they no longer feel connected to them. Having an affair is then an unconscious attempt for them to end the relationship without having to face the pain of having to end it directly. It could also be a relationship where there was no emotional connection to begin with. This could come down to the fact that they have a fear of intimacy and as soon as someone gets too close, they end up feeling smothered. Having an affair is then a way for them to feel free once more. Adulthood Needs and Childhood Needs The reason one feels smothered in their relationship could be because of the feelings that relate to their childhood are being triggered. Going with another person is then a way to regulate how they feel, but it won’t do much more than that. So if their current relationship was to end, their interest in the other person is also likely to end and this is because they would soon end up feeling smothered once more. One is then avoiding intimacy and unless they process their childhood pain and become emotionally available, they will continue to do so. The Chosen Child Another reason why one can have an affair is because they were ‘the chosen child’ during their childhood. This is also known as emotional incest. For a man this is likely to relate to how his mother treated him, and for a woman it might have been her father. These early years would have been a time when one was given special treatment and used as a surrogate spouse. This would have taken place because their caregiver’s energy was not being direct towards someone their own age and was going towards them. One is then used to being the centre of attention and always having what they want. Consequences On one side this will have caused one to feel good but at the same time it would have felt uncomfortable. As an adult, one is going to have the need to be the centre of attention and to always feel special. But while this was how they felt as a child, it is not going to be possible for them to always feel this was as an adult. In the beginning of a relationship this might take place but as time passes, this is going to wane. Having an affair is then a way for one to experience the honeymoon period or their childhood all over again. Awareness Ultimately, one will need to grieve their unmet childhood needs and then they will begin to see life through the eyes of an adult and not a child. They will no longer expect to feel special all the time or to be the centre of the other another person’s universe. It will also enable them to be emotionally available So these are just a few reasons why someone can have an affair. And while the assistance is out there, there is also the chance that they are not willing to embrace it. If one is experiencing pain and having an affair is seen as the way for them to feel better, then this is what might take place. It can all depend on whether one is willing to talk to their partner and/or to get the assistance they need to work on what is creating conflict. The assistance of a therapist or a healer can provide the support that one needs.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk/ There are things that are around today that are seen as being perfect but as time passes, they will be seen as imperfect. And this is how life has always been and something that will continue to take place. What this shows is how life doesn’t stand still and that there is always something new or different waiting to be revealed. When something is new or different, it could be seen as better and as the next step. But while this can be the case, if it wasn’t for what took place before the ‘next step’ arrived, it wouldn’t be able to appear. This shows that it’s not that the previous step or the creation is imperfect; it is that it was just another step. A Label To say that something is perfect or imperfect is simply a label that human beings use to describe things that don’t match up to a certain requirement. If something was created and didn’t need to be altered or changed, then it would be perfect. But in reality, this is not how it works; that is unless one is referring to nature. A tree for instance is not seen as imperfect, it is accepted for what it is. It is also likely that the tree doesn’t think about how it needs to change or to be something else – it is able to just be. The Best Version So when something is put together, it is often the best possible version based on what the people know who have put it together. And as time goes by they will see things differently and gain a new understanding; as a result of this, what they have created externally will change. The alternative would be to do nothing and to wait until everything is ‘perfect’. However, if they were to do this, they would never do anything and there would be no progress. Not only does this apply to organisations or companies, it also applies to individuals. A Process What this comes down to is how life is a process and not something that comes to an end once something has taken place (that is unless the world was to come to an end, but then there might be something else). This means that once something has been created it won’t be long until it will need to be altered in some way or completely changed. With this in mind, perfection is nothing more than an illusion and has no basis in reality. Once something has been created, it will soon be replaced by something else and this is how life works. In each moment, one is doing the best they can with what they know. Pressure When one realises that perfection doesn’t exist they are not going to feel the need to get everything right. This will allow them to work hard at something and to try new things without setting themselves up to suffer unnecessarily. If something does go wrong, it will be seen as something they need to work on and that it’s not the end of the world. But if one believes that they need to get everything right, when someone does go wrong it could be taken to heart. Expectations So the first person realises that they will make mistakes and that not everything will go to plan. This is something they are able to accept as they dont feel the need to be perfect. They are only human after all and this means they are not perfect. When it comes to the person who believes they need to get everything right, they will not want to make mistakes. To do so will be a sign that they are not perfect and in their model of the world being perfect is the only option Imperfect They will feel the need to be perfect and to get everything right. This is going to stop them from taking action and if they do make a mistake, they could end up hiding it from others. One way this can take place is through procrastination and while one won’t be able to move forward, they will be able to avoid feeling ‘imperfect’ for a short while. Even though being perfect is an illusion, they are likely to see some people as being perfect and as having it all together. And this can then cause one to feel even worse and increase their need to be perfect. One could also become a workaholic in order to match up to others and to stop people from noticing their ‘flaws’. Two Choices When it comes to people who feel the need to be perfect, they will either have to face up to the fact that they are imperfect or they can do everything they can to be perfect. Whereas, when it comes to the people who don’t feel the need to be perfect, they are not going to experience life in this way. They are simply human and the need to get everything right or to always look right is not going to enter their mind. So if one feels the need to be perfect it shows that they feel flawed and being perfect is the only way for them to change how they feel about themselves. Toxic Shame The reason one views themselves as flawed can be a sign that they are carrying toxic shame. There is healthy shame and this is part of having a conscience, and then there is toxic shame and this causes one to feel less-than human. One doesn’t just feel bad, they are bad and it is who they are. And as they feel flawed, it can cause them to do everything they can to come across as being the opposite of how they feel. To them, it is only possible for them to feel less-than others or to do everything they can to come across as being more-than others. Awareness Toxic shame can be the result of childhood abuse and this can be verbal, physical, emotional and/or sexual. And even though the years have passed, the emotional experiences of the past will have remained in their body. So these will need to be faced and released and this takes place, one will begin to feel human once more or perhaps for the first time. The assistance of a therapist or a healer may be required. If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article, as many others have. Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk/ It is often said that it is human nature to only appreciate something when it is not longer available. So when one has something in their life, it is easy for them to take it for granted. Not only can this apply to ‘things’, it can also apply to the people who are in one’s life. In the beginning when one first receives something or when they first come into contact with someone, they are going to feel different to how they will feel as time passes. This is because one is experiencing something new and so this means that one’s mind is going to be engaged. Gratitude However, as time passes what was in the foreground can soon settle into the background and one’s mind is likely to be consumed with something else. This could mean that one takes something or someone for granted and doesn’t take the time to think about how grateful they are or to show their appreciation for what they have. It could also mean that one still reflects on how grateful they are and shows their appreciation, but that this doesn’t take place very often. These are then two examples of what can takes place as time goes by. Another Factor So there is what can happen once one has received someone or formed a relationship with someone, and there is also what one had to do to make these things a reality. What this comes down is how much work one had to put in and how long they had to wait. It is said that people appreciate things more when they have to work for it and that when it’s free; the same level of appreciation is not there. If one was given a new car for instance, it is not going to have the same meaning as it would if they had to work for it. On A Plate Let’s say that one is in an intimate relationship and that the other person made most of the effort to bring them both together. The person who made the effort might appreciate the other person more than the other person appreciates them. There is the chance that the other person will come to appreciate the person who put in the work, but there is also the chance they won’t. Another factor would be if one person was used to always getting what they wanted and the other person wasn’t, this would add another element. Normal For the person who is not used to having something, when they do get what they desire it is likely to have a bigger impact on them. Whereas, if one is used to having what they want or rarely going without it, when they do attain what they desire it would be normal and this means the impact it has could be minimal. The Difference Each person has needs and yet they will respond differently once a certain need is fulfilled; this is due to the kind of life they live or because of what they already have. One way of looking at it would be to say that one person has had to delay gratification and the other hasn’t. To delay gratification can create pain, whereas if one was to have what they wanted straight away they wouldn’t have to experience pain. At an emotional level one may feel drawn to have what they want when they won’t it, but at an intellectual level they might realise that this is not always possible. Suffering The reason one is used to having what they want and the other isn’t, could be due to a number of reasons. Perhaps one person has come from a more supportive background than the other, and this allowed them to have their needs met from the moment they were born. Even if they haven’t had their needs met straight away, they might not have to wait too long until they are. There are then going to be other people who are used to going without. This could mean they are used to not having food or a place to sleep, and it could also include not having people around them who are supportive or experiencing mental and emotional challenges. There are many ways that one can suffer and while suffering can define someone, it can also re-define them Support Now, if one is able to get the support they need and move beyond their pain, it will allow them to experience life differently. Through this, one might start to experience things they have never experienced before and people could respond to them in ways that they have never experienced before. How they feel about themselves and how they experience life could also change. As one has had to go without for so long and therefore knows what it feels like to suffer, when they do receive something or their suffering comes to an end, it is going to have a big impact on them. One is not simply going through the motions and experiencing life as they usually do, they could be experiencing something for the first time. Appreciation This is not to say that suffering is a ‘good’ thing and that people need to suffer in order to appreciate something. Yet for some people, suffering has been a big part of their life and this is not through choice or because they are being a ‘victim’. To be in this position can make one feel hopeless and helpless, but one thing that their suffering can lead to is a greater appreciation of life. What matters is that one reaches out for the support they need and that they don’t allow themselves to suffer in silence. If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article, as many others have. Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk/ While one can have the desire to attract someone who is available, it doesn’t mean that this is what takes place. One could find it more or less impossible for attract someone who is available. When someone is available, it is going to mean that they are not only physically and intellectually present, they are also emotionally present. Their attention and energy is not caught up somewhere else, it is being directed towards the person they are with. As a result of this, one is not going to feel as though they are with someone who is emotionally distant or who is only able to share part of themselves. One will experience a relationship where the other person is able to share who they are. Attachment This doesn’t mean that they won’t have any other commitments and that one will be the centre of their universe, what it means is that they won’t be romantically attached to anyone else. For when someone is not able to commit to one person, it could be a sign that they are attached to someone else. And if this doesn’t relate to a romantic attachment, it could come down to an emotional attachment that one has with someone else. If it is a romantic attachment, it will relate to another person they are with or to someone they were with in the past. Emotional Attachment There is also the chance that it is to do with a family member who they are too close to. When it comes to a man who is unavailable, it could be due to the fact that he is too close to his mother and is therefore still emotionally attached to her. With a woman, it could be because she is too close to her father or it could relate to her mother. It also doesn’t even matter if their mother/father is still alive or if they live on the other side of the planet and rarely speak to them. And this is because their mother/father can live inside their head and influence them form within. One And The Same However, to say that it could be due to them being romantically attached to another person or too attached to one of their parents could create the impression that these two influences are separate. Yet, if someone is romantically attached to another person, it could mean that they haven’t emotionally separated from their mother/father. Their inability to share their life with one person and to go with more than one person or to be with one person but to stay emotionally disconnected can all come down to the same reason. So in order for them to open up to another person, it will be important for them to emotionally separate from their caregiver/s. Two Experiences On one hand there is the person who is not able to commit and then there is the person who attracts people who are this way. It would be inaccurate through to say this was black and white, as one could alternate between the two. Even though one could complain about how people are not available, it doesn’t mean that they don’t attract people who are. In the case when they do, they could say that the other person is not suitable or they might live in another part of the country. The other person could already be in a relationship and while the other might feel attracted to them, they’re not prepared to leave the person they’re with. The Same Story It then doesn’t matter who one meets or where in the world they are, as the outcome is the same. This could cause one to feel like victim, to see themselves as ‘unlucky’ and to believe they have no control over what is taking place. However, while one might believe they have no control over what is happening, this is not the truth. The reason one continues to attract people who are not available is because this is what feels safe at a deeper level. Why Is This? One then has the need to connect to another and at the same time, this is something feels uncomfortable. And while this may be how their life has been for quite some time, they weren’t born this way. What this is likely to show is that one had a childhood where their needs were not met. One’s caregiver/s would have been out of tune with their needs and put their own needs first. And this would have meant that one ended up being abused and/or neglected. Intimacy During these early years, one would have felt smothered, overwhelmed, violated and helpless. So one would have only felt safe if their caregiver/s was at a distance - it wouldn’t have been possible for them to feel safe in their company. And as their caregiver/s was out of touch with one’s needs, they would have had to disconnect from how they felt. So while the years have gone by, the emotional experiences of the past will have remained trapped in one’s body. Repeating The Past When one has a pattern of attracting to people who are unavailable, they are re-playing their childhood all over again. This is also known as ‘repetition compulsion’. When one experiences something that is too painful, they can end up disconnecting from the pain and this can cause them to re-create the same situation in order to experience a different result. This is something that takes place out of one’s awareness and it is a way for them to get what they didn’t get before. But as one is re-creating what happened before, they are going to end up in the same position. Even though one will end up going round in circles and be unable to get what they want (and if this relates to what one didn’t get as a child, it might be possible for them to receive it as an adult), it is what feels safe. Awareness So in order for one to no longer repeat the past and to attract people who are available, it will be important for them to grieve their unmet childhood needs. All the time these needs are not grieved, they will continue to re-create the past. In the short-term this will be painful but in the long-term, it will allow one to get their needs met. Here, will get in touch with their trapped feelings and face them to completion. This can be done with the assistance of a therapist or a healer. If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article, as many others have. Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk/ There are some people who come across as confident and as though nothing fazes them, and then there are others who are the complete opposite. Based on how they behave, they will be seen as lacking confidence and as though they can’t handle life. But while people are often are labelled as being a certain way, this might not reflect reality. As there will be moments when the label they are given is inaccurate and therefore doesn’t match up with what they are always like. The Environment Just because someone is confident and outgoing in one environment, it doesn’t mean they will be the same in another. This is partly because one’s environment is constantly having an effect, and this means that one won’t always feel comfortable in their surroundings. One could find that they are able to ‘be themselves’ in certain contexts, but when they are in others, it could be a challenge for them to maintain their sense of self. And this is likely to be something that everyone experiences from time to time. Growth Through being in different situations, one will experience pressure and this will enable them to grow. They will be able to discover parts of themselves that they were unaware of and to grow in confidence. However, while it is important for one to test themselves and to move out of their comfort zone, this is something that has to be done in the right way. For example: if one goes too far or doesn’t take their time, they could end up doing more harm than good. Instead of moving forward and experiencing an increase in their self belief, they could feel overwhelmed and even traumatised. Pushing oneself is therefore important, but it has to be done in the right way. Two Types For the people who are confident and outgoing, they could find it easy to leave their comfort zone. Yet for people who are not confident and outgoing, this could be something they have great difficulty with. This doesn’t mean that the people in the first example are always this way or that the people in the second example are either, what it means is that this is how they generally come across. But with both types of people, there are going to be exceptions. The Ideal If someone was asked if they would rather be outgoing or withdrawn, they might end up saying outgoing. Here, one is going to feel comfortable with attention and talking to people they know and to people they have never spoken to before. Another way to describe someone like this would be to say that they are an extrovert, or that they come across as one at certain times. There will then be times when this person acts like an introvert and is far from outgoing. Withdrawn When one is not outgoing, they could feel uncomfortable with attention and prefer to listen than to speak. In the eyes of others they could be labelled as being ‘shy’ and this could be how one describes themselves. This doesn’t mean that one accepts how they are, as it could be something they want to change. Ultimately, one has the need to maintain who they are around others and to no longer lose themselves or to ‘retract’. Being Seen So when it comes to people who are outgoing, being seen is something they feel comfortable with. Conversely, for people who feel shy, being seen is something that makes them feel uncomfortable. One might find that when they around the same-sex they are fine but as soon as it comes to the opposite sex, they end up feeling ‘shy’. This could happen when one is around authority figures or during those moments when they have to speak in front of others. Normal This could be how one has always been and they could then come to the conclusion that it’s ‘who they are’ or that they were ‘born this way’. But just because one has been this way for quite some time and the people around them see it as who they are, it doesn’t mean that it reflects their true nature. It fact, being shy could simply be a way for them to regulate how they feel and to protect themselves. This doesn’t mean what is taking place within them is always validated by their current reality, as it could be due to what happened to them in the past. Toxic Shame There could have been a time in one’s life where they experienced some kind of abuse and this while their adult years may have played a part; it is likely to have been their childhood that had the biggest impact. Here, one may have been physically, emotionally, verbally and/or sexually abused. These experiences would have caused one to experience toxic shame and this means that one would have come to believe there was something inherently wrong with them. Unlike healthy shame when one feels bad and then it soon subsides, toxic shame causes one to feel as though they are bad and this is something that doesn’t go away. Consequences So as one feels less-than human and therefore worthless, the last thing they will want is to be the centre of attention or to stand out (That is unless they have disconnected from their shame and become shameless; in this case, one might come across as arrogant and act as if they are better than others). So the only way that can stop people from realising how flawed they are is to avoid being seen. If they were seen, it could result in them being humiliated and then abandoned. This doesn’t mean that one is consciously aware of what is taking place within then, as this could by mystery. But whether one is aware of it or not, it is still causing them to lose themselves around others and to hide their true-self. Awareness One is no longer a child and what happened all those years ago is in the past, but how they felt during those years has stayed trapped in their body. These emotional experiences of the past will need to be face and released. As this happens, one will gradually begin to realise they are simply human and not less-than human. This can take place with the assistance of a therapist or a healer. If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article, as many others have.
Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk/ When one comes across something that grows into the ground and has a big trunk, there is only going to be one word to describe what it is – and that is a tree. And the same can be said when it comes to describing other things on this planet. However, when it comes to how one sees themselves, many different descriptions exist and they all relate to the same thing. Some of these are: self-confidence, self-belief, self- esteem and self-worth. Not everyone is going to use the same word and this is to be expected; what feels right or what works for one person is not necessarily going to apply to another. The description that often takes centre stage is self-esteem and this was also included in Abraham Maslow’s hierarchy of needs. Perception The view that one has of themselves it not going to be something that one can simply put to one side. Even if they don’t want to think about how they see themselves, it is still going to have an impact on their life. How they feel, what they achieve and how other people treat them is going to be influenced by what is taking place within them. When one is out of touch with their inner world, what takes palace externally and how they feel about themselves could appear to be something that is out of their hands. No control To say that human beings have complete control over their life would be an illusion, but to say they have no control would be just as inaccurate. If the outlook one has of themselves is that they are worthless, it is highly unlikely that they will achieve what they want to achieve or attract people who respect them. Whereas, when one believes they are valuable, it is going to be a lot easier for them to achieve their goals and to attract people who value them. This doesn’t mean that life will just ‘fall into place’, what it means is that one’s behaviour will change. The Catalyst Their behaviour will then be the difference, but if one believes they have no value, they are going to behave differently. They might not even take action and could end up doing nothing. If one was just to observe their behaviour, they might say that it simply comes down to their behaviour. But if it wasn’t for what was taking place within them and how certain people respond to them, their behaviour wouldn’t be the same. High Achiever However, just because someone doesn’t value themselves it doesn’t mean that others will always realise this. Success could be something that one uses to cover up how they really feel about themselves. Yet as ‘success’ is often seen as an expression of one’s self-worth, they could come across as having it all together. What could give it all away is how healthy their relationships are - as this is where the truth (about how they feel) often comes out. Expectations When one feels good about themselves they are going to expect good things, as opposed to being caught up in what could go wrong or what is not possible. This inner outlook is then going to be mirrored in their external world and each side supports the other. If one is focused on what could go wrong or what is not possible, they are not going to get very far. This is not to say that one will lives in denial and only focuses on the ‘positive’, as this would be dangerous. It means that they are able to accept both sides and at the same time, not allow what could happen to stop them from moving forward. The belief they have in themselves will propel them forward; without this, they might give up or not even take the first step. Low Self-Esteem So when one values themselves and therefore feels good about who they are, their life is going to be far more fulfilling that it would be if this wasn’t the case. The alternative is for one to see themselves as being worthless, and it is then going to be a challenge for them to feel good and to live a fulfilling life. This could be how one has always experienced life and it is therefore normal. But while it might be what is normal, there is going to be a reason that one feels as they do. And one thing that can cause low self-esteem is toxic shame. Toxic Shame Healthy shame is an important part of having a conscience; however, toxic shame has no benefit to one’s life. In this case, one doesn’t just feel bad when they do something wrong, they will always feel bad. They are going to feel as though they are inherently flawed and there is nothing they can do about it. One is then less-than human and so it is to be expected that they will feel worthless and as though they don’t deserve to exist. The Cause To experience healthy shame is normal and part of being human, toxic shame on the other hand, is not normal and it is likely to be a sign that one experienced some kind of abuse during their childhood years. This could have been verbal, physical, sexual and/or emotional abuse. And as toxic shame is so painful to experience, there is the chance that one disconnected from how they felt during these years. So even though one might be out of touch with their shame, it is still in control of their life. Awareness Although one’s childhood is in the past, how one felt all those years ago has remained trapped in their body. And what is taking place there will also affect what happens in their mind. So if one releases the emotional build up in their body, their mind will also change. One approach is for one to change their beliefs or to ‘think positive’ and through this; they might feel better about themselves. Another approach would be for one to face and release the toxic shame within them (and the emotions associated with it), and then they will develop self-esteem. It is then not about adding or changing anything, it is about letting go. This can be done with the assistance of a therapist or a healer. If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article, as many others have. Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk/ It is said that it is not possible for someone to be abandoned as an adult, and how this would only apply if they were a baby or a child. However, just because one is an adult it doesn’t mean that they will no longer feel abandoned. The fear of being abandoned and the feeling itself could define their whole life. It is then not going to be possible for one to experience self-control - as their feelings are going to be in control. One could end up feeling like a victim and wonder if there is anything they can do to change their circumstances. Emotional Literacy While one could be aware of what is taking place, there is also the chance that they are unaware of what is happening. When one is not aware of how they feel, they might just end up feeling compelled to act in certain ways. Their actions are then a way for them to avoid pain and yet that doesn’t mean that they’re in touch with what is causing them to act as they do. There are also going to be other people who are aware of what is taking place within them, but that could be as far as it goes. Normal If one has felt this way for as long as they can remember it might not stand out. In this case, it could be seen as normal and just how life is. This doesn’t mean that one accepts it, what it means is that they might not realise life can be different. Another way one can get in touch with this fear is if a relationship comes to an end. Before this moment, the fear of being abandoned might not have caused them any concern. As they haven’t always felt this way it might not be seen as normal and how life is. Hope The first person could end up feeling hopeless and the second person, (through being in touch with how they experienced life before), could feel as though this is only temporary and that it will soon change. Through having a different outlook, it could lead could them to look for answers. Whereas, if one has felt this way for a long time, they may have resigned themselves to living this way for the rest of their life. Consequences However, regardless of if one is aware of this fear or how hopeful they are about changing how they feel, it is going to have an effect on their life. This could cause one to stay in relationships that are unfulfilling or even abusive. It could be hard for them to say no and to tolerate distance and silence in their relationships. They could be clingy, needy and need to maintain constant contact with others, and find that they say yes when they should be saying no. If they are away from others or if they don’t hear back from someone, they could end up fearing the worst. Closed Up Another option would be for one to close up and to keep their distance from others when it comes to relationships. The fear of being abandoned is still there, but it is kept under control through keeping others at a distance. In this case, ones biggest fear might not relate to being abandoned, it could relate to being smothered. Getting close to others is then going to trigger two fears and so one might decide that it’s not worth connecting to others. Regulation Whether one is enmeshed to others or avoids them, they are going to experience problems. It could cause other people to pull away; thereby causing them to feel abandoned once more. Avoiding others might give one a sense of control, but while other people are not abandoning them they are abandoning themselves. The ideal will be for one to no longer feel abandoned and not because they have disconnected from how they feel or through becoming enmeshed to others, but because it no longer exists. If one decides to look for answers, they might come across many different options. Moving Forward One could come across information that says they need to change their thoughts and that as soon as this happens, they will no longer feel the same. This could be the answer one is looking for but then again, it might not. Another approach would be for one to look into their childhood and to see what happened there. Just because one is no longer a child it doesn’t mean they have left their childhood behind them; how they feel as an adult might reflect how they felt as a child. Emotional Experience The years have passed but the emotional experiences of the past may have remained within them. To be left at this age would feel like death and this is because one didn’t have the ability to regulate their emotions. Their caregiver/s may have left them on the odd occasion or it may have happened on a regular basis. This means that one’s developmental needs were not meant and so they would have suffered. As well as feeling abandoned and that they were going to die, one would have felt ashamed for having needs and experienced a sense of loss for not having them met. Through being compromised like this, one would have also experienced rage and they would have felt powerless. Grieving To let go of the feeling of being abandoned, one will need to face what happened all those years ago and to grieve their unmet childhood needs. This is not going to be something that happens over night and this to be expected. It might not be possible for one to do this by themselves and this is why external assistance is important. A therapist or a healer will be able to hold the space and allow one to go where they wouldn’t go by themselves. If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article, as many others have. Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk/ Although it is possible for an emotion to enhance one’s life, it is also possible for an emotion to have the opposite effect. If one feels angry, it could be a sign that they have been violated, but if they always feel this way it shows that something isn’t right. It could mean that one is stuck in the past or that they are in an environment that is not healthy, or both. One is no longer angry during the odd occasion – they are being defined by it. If one was never angry it would be unhealthy, but to be angry all the time is not the answer either. Their whole life is then being consumed by anger and this is going to affect their ability to experience inner peace and it could end up pushing people away. However, this is just one example of how an emotion can harm one’s life and this can be because they don’t allow themselves to experience it or because it has taken control of their life. Emotions are often labelled as being either ‘good’ or ‘bad’ and this can cause people to deny how they feel or to be controlled by their feelings. Information When one is aware of how they feel, they will be able to use their feelings to guide them. The other option would be for one to ignore how they feel and get caught up in their head. This is not to say that one should let their feelings control them, what it means is that they shouldn’t ignore them either. Just as one has the ability to think for a reason, they also have emotions for a reason. Yet in order for one to be in tune with their emotions and to use the information they are providing, one will need to feel comfortable with their emotions. Common Approaches If this isn’t the case, one will be used to being controlled by their emotions or they may try to control their emotions. One then ends up feeling overwhelmed or they do all they can to disconnect from how they feel. While someone could have a pattern of denying how they feel, they could also alternate between the two. How they feel and the environment they are in could play a part in what option they use. Shame One of the emotions that one might try to avoid is shame and this is because of the affect it has. Shame can be something that one experience’s on the odd occasion or it could be something that defines their whole life. What this comes down to is the fact that there is healthy shame and toxic shame. Healthy shame will play a part in one having a conscience, toxic shame on the other hand can stop one from having a conscience. Healthy shame is often said to be something one is born with, whereas toxic shame is usually the result of some kind of abuse. This could have been due to abuse in their adulthood but their childhood is often where it all began. Healthy Shame When one is able to experience healthy shame, they won’t feel below others and neither will they feel above them – they will simply feel human. This will enable them to stay humble and to respect other people’s boundaries. No matter what they achieve, they are still human like everyone else and so there is no reason for them to act ‘superior’. If they were to violate another person’s personal space, they might feel guilty and then they would feel ashamed. Healthy shame also allows one to protect their modesty and stop them from being an exhibitionist. It will also play a vital role in their success - as if one doesn’t put in enough effort or go after what they deserve, they will feel ‘bad’. Having an interest in other people is another consequence of healthy shame, without it, one can end up being self-absorbed The Other Option These are just a few examples of the role that healthy shame plays in one’s life and so when healthy shame has been turned into toxic shame, one can end up being shameless. There is the chance that one will end up feeling inferior and as though they are less-than human. Here, one is likely to end up being walked over, put up with bad behaviour and feel completely worthless. They are flawed and there is nothing they can do about it – this is because toxic shame relates to ones whole being. Shameless As a way to avoid feeling this way, one can end up disconnecting from their toxic shame. Through this, one will have a sense of control over how they feel and this could be described as the upside. The down side to this is that one will no longer experience shame and this is going to have a negative impact on their life. There could still be moments where one ends up being consumed by toxic shame, but this might not take place very often. In today’s world, there are many examples of shameless behaviour and it could be described as the rule as opposed to the exception. For some people, it will be seen as normal and this could be because they were not around when the world was different. Consequences Without the ability to feel shame, one can end up ignoring other people’s boundaries and doing things that are not acceptable. They can believe they are superior to other people and that they are perfect. As they are out of touch with their human imperfections, it is then not possible for them to be humble. One can also talk about themselves all the time without feeling bad and this means they are not going to be curious about others or have any interest in them. In their mind, they could be the centre of the universe and this is therefore going to affect their ability to connect to other people. This is also going to mean that one won’t feel bad for showing certain parts of their body in public and so they won’t feel uncomfortable revealing what other people would only reveal behind closed doors. Their body is then another way for them to gain attention and not something that needs to be respected. Awareness Shame is something that is not only vital when it comes to ones personal life; it is also an important part of society. As human beings are interdependent, it is essential that people respect each others personal space and are interested in others, for instance. If one is out of touch with their shame, it could be a sign that they are carrying toxic shame. This could mean that the emotional experiences of their past have stayed trapped in their body. These will need to be faced and released, and this can take place with the assistance of a therapist or a healer. If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article, as many others have. Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk/ |
Oliver JR CooperAuthor of 26 books, Transformational Writer, Teacher & Consultant. Introductory Consultation
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Disclaimer
That which is contained within these articles is based on my own empirical understanding and is true for me at the time they were written. However, as I continue to grow, what I perceive as the truth will inevitably change and as a result of this - parts of these articles may not reflect my current outlook.
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