When it comes to fixing something, it is not uncommon for some kind of diagnosis to take place. Once this has taken place, the appropriate action can then be taken, and before long, it could be back to normal.
Alternatively, someone could find that something doesn’t work and instead of looking into why this is the case, they could simply come to their own conclusion. When this happens, it could mean that they try to fix something that doesn’t need to be fixed or they might end up doing the right thing. Two Outcomes If they were to try to fix something that doesn’t need to be fixed, for instance, it could set them up to experience more problems. This is primarily because they could overlook what needs to be looked up. On one hand, this may mean that they end up in the same position, and this means they are going to be wasting time. On the other hand, through fixing the wrong thing, it could create even more problems. Consequences The kind of problems that will arise if someone was to fix the wrong thing can all depend on what they are trying to fix. For example, if they were trying to fix a car, the consequences could be far more severe than if they were trying to fix a book shelf. When it comes to a car, numerous things can go wrong, but the same can’t be said when it comes to a book shelf. In order to learn about the former, it may take a number of years, but when it comes to the later, it might only take a matter of minutes. The Logical Approach Therefore, it could be said that the logical approach will be for a diagnosis to occur, and this can then make it possible for the right steps to be taken. Although this will take longer than simply coming to a conclusion and then taking action; it is likely to stop them from experiencing additional problems as time passes. If someone needs something to be fixed straight away, or they are unable to delay gratification, it can be lot harder for them to step back and to find out what is taking place. This is then similar to someone being so hungry that they end up eating food that is not good for them. Patience It is going to be important for someone to be patient, and for them to focus on the benefits of doing something properly. However, even if a diagnosis was to take place, it doesn’t mean that it will be the right one. There is the chance that more than one diagnosis will need to occur, and they can then come to their own conclusion. This can all depend on what someone needs to be assisted with. Relationships If someone had relationships problems, for instance, they might reach out to a friend and ask for their opinion. After listening to their feedback, they could believe that their friend knew exactly what was going on. At the same time, this might not take place, and they could end up reading a book or even going to see some kind of therapist. Once again, they could come to believe that they have found the answers they were looking for. The Challenge The kind of answers that someone needs is likely to depend on what their relationship problems are. Therefore, if they are unable to experience intimacy, they might not have the same problem as someone who feels unattractive. Of if they felt uncomfortable around the opposite sex; they might not have the same problem as someone who ends up with people they are not attracted to. This shows that it will be important for them to find the answers that actually match up with their own experience. One-Size-Fits-All Yet while this approach will give them the chance to get to the bottom of why they are experiencing life as they are, it doesn’t mean this will be will be what takes place. Instead, they can end up being given a label, or put in some kind of box. In this case, the reason they are experiencing life as they are can be because of one reason, and once they take care of it, their life will change. Now, this is not to say that labels are negative per se, as they can give someone a way to understand what is going on. Inaccurate Assessment Yet when the label they are given doesn’t match up with what is actually taking place, it can set them up to go down the wrong path, so to speak. As a result, instead of being assisted; they can end up experiencing unnecessary problems. When someone has relationship problems, they can end up being told that they have ‘low self-esteem’. Therefore, the way for them to improve their relationships will be to develop ‘high self esteem’. Self-Esteem When someone has self-esteem, they are likely to value themselves, and it could be said that this is a vital part of having fulfilling relationships, among other things. Based on this outlook, it will be normal for someone to have relationships problems if they have low self-esteem. Self-esteem can then be seen as a missing ingredient, and through adding this ingredient, their life will then change. It is then going to be important for them to find ways to increase this part of them, and this could mean that they are encouraged to ‘think positive’, to use affirmations and to change their beliefs, for instance. A Deeper Look It could also be said that this is a very surface level approach, and one that doesn’t take into account what could be taking place at a deeper level. The point of focus is on what is taking place in the mind and there is no consideration as to what is taking place in the body. Through having the need to add things, it can also create the impression that they are not enough as they are. But through pumping themselves up with self-esteem, they will soon be able to feel as though they are enough. The Body Yet even if someone does feel as though they are enough, it doesn’t mean their relationship problems will disappear. This is because it will also be important for them to feel comfortable with something. If their body doesn’t feel safe with intimacy, for instance, it doesn’t matter how they feel about themselves. Along with this, if they are carrying toxic shame in their body, it will be normal for them to feel as though they are not enough. Awareness What this shows is that it might be necessary for someone to let go of something as opposed to just adding something. They may have an emotional build-up that needs to be processed, as well as trauma that needs to be dealt with. If someone only focuses on their mind and raises their self-esteem, they could find that even though they feel good about themselves, there life is no different. When it comes to letting go of what is in their body, it might be necessary for them to work with a therapist and/or a support group.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk/
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Nowadays, it doesn’t take much for someone to be famous, and this has meant that more people are ’famous’ than ever before. In the past, it was often necessary for someone to have achieved something significant in order to be known by others, but in today’s world, this is no longer the case.
Along with this, there were of course people in the past who were famous for committing crimes or for other reasons. Therefore, there are plenty of examples where people were famous for doing things that had a ’negative’ effect on others. A Shift One way of looking at this would be to say that there has been a shift in what people value, and this is partly why it is relatively easy to be famous. At the same time, the internet has also played a significant role in how things are. When it comes to being famous, exposure is vital, and through being able to connect with millions of people online, it is a lot easier to gain attention from others. As an ‘individual’, someone has far more influence than they have ever had before. Videos The only thing they need to do is to create some kind of video, for instance, and they could end up being known by people from all over the world. While they could buy special equipment to make a video, it is not something that is necessary. This is because the only thing they need is a Smartphone, and once they have taken their video, they can upload it onto a social media site. While someone might need to be creative in order to make a video, they might not. Unoriginal The only thing they need to do is to see what other people are doing, and to do something similar. Then will then be no need for them to come up with their own idea, and this could save them a lot of time and effort. On one hand, there is the chance that they won’t get very far, but on the other hand, they might be able to receive the attention they desire. If this was to happen, their video might receive more exposure than the video they copied. As Time Passes To gain exposure is one thing, but it is another thing altogether to maintain the level of exposure that they have attained. There are going to be plenty other people who are doing the same thing, and this means they might need to make sure they stand out. Also, people’s attention spans are generally short, and what might interest them at one point in time might not interest them at another. However, if other find people value what they have to offer, they are likely to give them their attention. A Different Meaning When someone is famous, they can end up feeling good about themselves, and as a result, there are not going to want to lose other people’s attention. However, even though this can be their inner experience, it doesn’t mean that their level of fame has the same impact as it would in the past. In the past, being famous would have allowed someone to stand out, but in the today’s world, this is not always going to be the case. They can be seen as just another person who is famous, and this shows how normal it has become. Different Levels What is also going to play a part here is what level of fame someone has achieved. If they are a well-known actor or musician, for instance, the effect they have on people can be the same as it would have been in the past. Yet just because someone doesn’t have the same level of fame, it doesn’t mean they will see themselves as being any different. In their eyes, they could be just as important as the people that have a higher status. One Outlook It could be said that at a deeper level, all human beings have the same value, and therefore, if one person is perceived as having more value than another, it is a man-made occurrence. When it comes how valuable someone is perceived to be, there can be what they contribute on one side and on the other side there can be how other people respond to what they contribute. This is why one person can do more than someone else and end up getting paid less money. For example, a top sports star can earn millions a year, whereas a nurse is unlikely to earn that much in their whole career. Grounded Through earning a large sum of money, a sports star could end up believing that their professions is more important than most of the professions that other people have. This outlook can also be supported by the feedback they receive from other people. If this was to happen, it could be said that they are out of touch with their own humanity and their healthy shame. However, if they were to stay in touch with themselves, and not get caught up in how much they earn and the feedback they receive from others, it will be easier for them to stay grounded. Impermanent Also, no matter how they are experience life, it is not going to last forever; there will come a point in time when they no longer have the same ability. As a result, it will no longer be possible for them to earn the same amount of money, and they won’t receive the same feedback from other people either. The same could also be said about someone who is famous; it is unlikely to be something that will last forever. And even though they could come to believe that they are more important than others, this is nothing more than an illusion. A False Sense Of importance Through the feedback they receive, they can come to see themselves as being the centre of the universe as opposed to being part of it. It can then be normal for them to see themselves as being more important than other people. In this case, they are going to be out of touch with their healthy shame, and this means they are going to be out of touch with their true-self. But while this is something that can take place through being famous, there could be more to it. Conclusion What it could come down to is that they didn’t feel comfortable with themselves to begin with, and this then caused them to develop a false-self. Through feeling as though they are more important than others, it then allows them to avoid facing how they really feel. If they didn’t feel this way to begin with, it would be a lot easier for them to stay grounded. At some point in their life, they may have been shamed in some way, and this would have caused them to feel flawed. When it comes to moving beyond this kind of challenge, it might be necessary for someone to work with a therapist and/or a support group.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk/ Relationships: Is It A Good Idea For Someone To Treat Others How They Would Like To Be Treated?28/11/2015
If one was to treat someone with respect, there is the chance that they will get a certain response. Whereas if they were to treat someone with disrespect, there is the chance they will get a completely different response.
When it comes to the first example, one might expect another person to respond in a positive manner, and in the second example, they are likely to expect them to respond in a negative manner. It could be said that this is the outlook that most people would have, and this is because human beings generally want to be treated well. A Survey If one was to go to a populated area and to ask people if they would rather be treated with respect or disrespect, they may find that they all chose the first option. However, if they were to go and ask people if they prefer white or dark chocolate, the feedback they get is unlikely to be one sided. It could be said that the reason for this is that not everyone likes the same kind of chocolate, but when it comes to respect, it is not something that is going to vary from one person to the next. As a result of this, one is unlikely to feel the need to conduct a survey; what they can also do is to think about their past experiences. Disrespect While there will be times when they have been shown respect, there are also going to be times when they haven’t been, and through thinking about these experiences, their inner experience is likely to change. When they were thinking about being respect, they could feel good about themselves. Yet when it comes to thinking about being treated in the opposite manner, this might not be the case. Through feeling different, it could cause them to feel down, or they could end up feeling angry. Outlook They could then believe that it is best to treat other people with respect, and while this could be because they like to be treated in this way, it might not be the only reason. What could also be behind this outlook are the experiences they have had where they have been treated badly. Therefore, the experiences where they have been disrespected have not caused them to be bitter; they have had a positive impact on their life. Through being treated badly, they have realised why it is so important to treat people with respect. The Alternative If they were in a position where they have been defined by the experiences where they have been disrespected, it might be normal for them to treat other people in the same way. Through being treated in this way, they can end up feeling as though their behaviour is justified. As they have been treated badly, they might think that other people deserved to be treated in the same way. Another way of looking at this would be to say that this allows them to experience indirect revenge. Empathy The pain they have experienced has then defined them, and this shows that their life is simply a reaction to what they have been through. But in order for them to behave in this way, it is likely to mean that they have closed their heart. Through being out of touch with their own feelings, it makes it possible for them to overlook other people’s feelings. Their ability to empathise is not longer available, or not as accessible as it would be if they were in touch with their feelings. Self-Awareness When someone has been treated badly and they still believe in treating people with respect, it shows that their experiences haven’t defined them. Instead, their experiences have redefined them, and this will be a sign that they have been able to respond to what has happened. Through taking this approach, it is likely to mean that they still in touch with their own feelings, and it is then going to be normal for them to empathise with others. This wouldn’t be the case if they had closed their heart as a way to avoid pain and got caught up in their so called ‘lower’ emotions, such as anger, rage and resentment. Two Sides On one side, there is treating people with respect, and on the other side, there is treating them how one would like to be treated. When it comes to respect, it could be said that it relates to something fairly general, but when it comes to treating them how one would like to be treated, it could be said that relates to something more specific. However, it can all depend on the associations that someone has, as they might see them as being the same thing. Yet with that aside, not every wants to be treated in the same way, and so how one likes to be treated might not be how another person wants to be treated. Resistance Along with this, not everyone is going to be able to handle being treated with respect; in fact, they could see it as a sign of weakness. This could be a sign that they have been taken advantage of for treating people well, and this causes them to misinterpret other people’s behaviour. As a result, being treated with respect could cause them to see someone as an easy target, and they could end up behaving as if they have been disrespected. Through being caught up in the past, it is not possible for them to respond; the only thing they can do is project. Another Approach Instead of one treating others as they would like to be treated, they could take the time to understand how they like to be treated. Upon meeting someone, they could treat them with a certain level of respect, and then as times passes; they could gradually begin to treat them in ways that match up with how they like to be treated. In order to do this, one will need to be in tune with someone as opposed to being caught up with their own needs. But like most things, this is something that can become second nature providing they put the effort in.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk/
On one level, it could be said that there is the intellect, and on another level, it could be said that there is the emotional body. However, although these are two aspects that all human beings have, it doesn’t mean that everyone embraces both sides.
There are going to be some people who are completely identified with their mind, and it will then be a challenge for them to get in touch with how they feel. At the same time, there are also going to be people who are in touch with how they feel and yet they are unable to think clearly. The Ideal It could be said that the ideal will be for someone to embrace both of these aspects, and as a result of this, it will be possible for them to function as a whole human being. Through this, not only will they be able to think about life; they will also be able to feel life. By being in touch with themselves, it will give them a greater chance to live a fulfilling life. This is because they won’t be living on the surface of themselves, and it will then be normal for them to embrace life. The Intellect When someone uses their intellect, they might be able to step back from what is taking place in their life and to reflect. Along with this, they can also think about their life, and look into whether they are doing the right thing, for instance. But if they can’t detach from their experience, it can be a sign that they need to develop this part of themselves. Without this ability, one can end up being caught up in their mind, and they can then see their mind as a problem. Education However, just because someone’s mind is out of control, it doesn’t mean that it is a problem. What it is likely to mean is that they haven’t taken the time to understand their mind, and this is probably because they have never been shown. This is not to say that it is up to other people to show them and that they are not responsible for their mind; what it comes down to is that it can be normal for one to expect other people to educate them about themselves. For example, one is educate by the system and if they ever have any kind of health problem, they are likely to go to the doctor. Dependence What this can do is set someone up to depend on others in order to know anything as opposed to taking the initiative themselves. Authority figures can then be seen as the experts and one can doubt their own ability to not only educate themselves, but also to understand themselves. The years one spent in the education system can also put them off learning altogether. But if one has the need to learn something, they are likely to find a way, and it will then be down to them to put the work in. Worth The Effort The effort they need to put in to be able to observe their mind will be worth it in the end, and this is because they will no longer be enslaved to their mind. This could be something they will be able to achieve through meditating on a regular basis, for instance. However, if one could only observe and they were unable to feel, their life is unlikely to be very fulfilling. In this case, they could be like an athlete who is always on the sidelines and unable to participle in what is taking place. Emotional Body Without the ability to feel, one is not going to be able to feel alive, and this part of them will also play an important part of them knowing if they are on the right track. Being able to step back and reflect is one thing, but they might only get so far if they are out of touch with how they feel. The feedback that their feelings provide will give them the insight they need when it comes to what is important to them. If they are on the wrong track, their feelings will soon let them know. Both Sides When one is in touch with their feelings, it is going to mean that they will be in touch with both sides of the emotional spectrum. Not only will they be able to feel really good, they will also be able to feel really bad. This is because it is not possible to have one without the other; the only way to avoid feeling bad would be to no longer be able to feel good. But just because one has the ability to embrace both sides on the emotional spectrum, it doesn’t mean they have to be controlled by their emotions. Emotional Containment When one has the ability to contain their emotional experience, they will be able to embrace how they feel. Through having this ability, they can not only pay attention to what is taking place in their mind; they can also embrace what is occurring in their body. Each part of them is acknowledged, and there is then no need for them to deny what is taking place within them. This is not to say that they will always face how they feel, or that they will always be able to face their feelings by themselves, but at the same time, they are not going to have a habit of denying how they feel either. Inner Harmony Through being able to accept what is taking place within them, they are likely be at one with their mind and body as opposed to seeing their body as being separate. This is not to say that these two parts will always be in agreement; what it means is that they won’t need to ignore part of themselves. If they were to experience an emotion that was ‘negative’ they can look into why it has appeared. Through taking this approach, the conflict within them can be dealt with and it won’t need to consume their life. Positive Thinking However, if someone has the need to be ‘positive’, they might avoid their ‘negative’ feelings. This can then set them up to disconnect from not only their ‘negative’ feelings, but also their ‘positive’ feelings. As a result of this, they can end up feeling separate from their body, and it can then be normal for them to experience inner conflict. In the beginning they might be able to overlook how they feel without experiencing too many problems, but over time, this is likely to change. Inner Conflict On one hand, they can then have the need to experience something, but on the other hand, they can end up experiencing inner resistance. Or they could be drawn to people who are not healthy and then wonder why. At one point in time, they might have been aware of why their body is responding in this way. Yet through losing contact with their feelings, it is not going to be possible for them to understand what is going on. Awareness If one has the need to develop their ability to contain their emotional experience as opposed to denying how they feel, they may need to work with a therapist. This can be a time where they will be processing the emotions that they have been avoiding. Through doing this, and through the therapist’s positive regard, they may begin to develop their emotional strength. It will then be possible for them to function as a whole human being.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk/
While some people are able to maintain their sense of self when they are around others, there are going to be other people who are unable to do so. However, even though this is what is taking place, it doesn’t mean that someone realises what is happening.
Part of Life For example, if someone can maintain their sense of self, it could be what is normal. It is then not something they ever think about; it is just part of their life. In this case, they may have experienced life in this way for most of their life, and because of this, they might not realise that not everyone experiences life in this way. This is not to say they won’t ever lose themselves, but it could happen so rarely that it doesn’t have an impact on them. Under Pressure If it does happen, it could be something that takes place during a stressful period of their life. For instance, if they were to lose their job or to experience the end of a relationship, they might lose touch with themselves for a short time. Along with this, they might experience a similar occurrence if they were to go on a date, but in this case, it might only be a momentary experience. However, regardless of why they experience life differently, it shouldn’t be long until they return to how they were before. Two Occurrences Through experiencing life in this way, it could cause them to reflect on how their life would be if they were like that all the time. As a result, they might experience a sense of gratitude and think about how fortunate they are. At the same time, they might look back on what happened and wonder why they behaved as they did. Depending on what happened, they could end up either feeling angry or they might even start to laugh. Life Goes On Whether or not this happens, they are likely to carry on with their life, and this will be a life where they have a sense of self. This means that they will not only be in touch with their needs and feelings when they are around others, they will also be able to express them. Therefore, they won’t need to overlook what is taking place within them and to get caught up with what is taking place around them. This is not to say they won’t be able to respond to other people’s needs; what it means is that they won’t act as though they are an extension of other people. Connected Along with being connected to themselves, they will also feel that it is safe for them to be themselves. How they behave around the people they are close to will generally be a reflection of their true-self. This is going to mean that they are able to experience intimacy with others, and this is because they will be able to share what is taking place within them. Whilst they might enjoy being approved of by others, it is not going to define their behaviour. Self-Expression Through being able to be themselves around others, it is likely to mean that their life will be an expression of their true needs. Whereas if someone was unable to be themselves around others, their life is likely to be a reflection of how other people want it to be. What is true for them could end up being ignored, and their life can then be an expression of what is true for others. It is then not possible for them to please themselves because they will be more concerned about pleasing others. Identity Other people could see them as easy going, or they may say that they lack confidence, for instance. How they behave may depend on who they are with, but this is not the same as having the ability to adjust around different people. What this can mean is that they will disconnect from themselves and end up being defined by the people they are with. They are then out of touch with their true-self, and this may appear to be something that ‘just happens’. A Door Mat It can then be normal for them to do things they don’t want to do, and while this might cause them to experience frustration, it could be far worse. This is because they could end up being abused by others. However, even though they are being compromised, it doesn’t mean they will let anyone know. They might not believe that they can do anything about what is taking place. Overwhelmed Although they will have the need to be themselves around others, this could be something that doesn’t seem possible. Being around other could cause them to feel overwhelmed, and it is then going to be a challenge for them to experience life differently. But even though their behaviour around others doesn’t always reflect their true-self, it doesn’t mean they will realise this. Other people could see it as who they are and this could make them feel even more restricted. A Closer Look In order for someone to be able to maintain their sense of self around others, they will need to feel safe in their body. If they don’t, it will be normal for them to leave their body and to live in their head, or to dissociate from themselves. When they are in their head, they will be focused on others, and they won’t be able to express themselves. Whereas if they felt safe in their body, they wouldn’t need to focus on others and they could then express their true-self. Boundaries What this is likely to show is that they haven’t developed boundaries; if they had, they would be able to feel as though it is safe for them to be in their body. Through not having them, it is to be expected that they will feel exposed. This can be a sign that their boundaries were not respected during their early years. They may have been harmed and/or they may have had a caregiver that got too close to them. Awareness Based on what happened during these early years, their body could be carrying trauma, and if this is the case, they may need to work with a therapist who understands what they are going through. If they were to only focus on their mind, for instance, it might not be possible for them to deal with the trauma.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk/
For some people, experiencing intimacy will be a normal part of life, and it is then not going to be something that they will need to worry about. If this wasn’t the case and they were unable to experience intimacy, it could be something that ends up consuming their whole life.
Their need to experience a deeper connection with others is not being met, and this is likely to have an effect on every other area of their life. What this shows is how strong this need is, and how it is not something that can be overlooked. Interdependent Another way of looking at this is to say that human beings are interdependent; they don’t just want others, they need others. On one level, someone can share their mind; on another level, they can share their body, and on another level, they can share their heart. If the only thing someone shared with others was their mind, they are unlikely to feel connected to their fellow human beings. The same could also be said if they had moments where they also shared their body. The Defining Factor What will make the difference is when they share their heart with others; when this happens, they will be talking about their feelings. Therefore, their mind will also be used, but they won’t need to be using their body. So while one can use their body when they are being intimate, it is not something that always needs to occur. If one could only be intimate through using their body, it wouldn’t be possible for them to be intimate with friends and family, for instance. Less pressure Through being able to experience intimacy with more than one person, it will make their life easier. If they only looked towards one person, it would put a lot of pressure on them, and if the relationship was to come to an end, it would cause a lot of problems. However, when one has a number of people in their life that they can open up to, there will be less pressure on the person they are with. If the relationship was to come to an end, they would still have other people to share their feelings with. Another Outlook When intimacy is seen as something that can only take place in an intimate relationship, it is going to be lot harder for them to be single. During the moments where they are with someone, they might end up expecting too much from them. This is not to say that it is possible for someone to experience the same kind of connection with a friend or a family member as they would in an intimate relationship, as it is going to be different. What it comes down to is that someone can be intimate with more than one person. Intimacy If someone does experience intimacy, it could be how their life has been for many years. As a result, they might not know what it is like to experience life differently. There can then be others who used to experience life differently and through putting in the work, they were able to change their experience of life. Based on how their life is, it could now be seen as normal, but based on their life as a whole; it is a relatively new experience. The Contrast Through living without intimacy, they will know how much of a difference it makes to experience it. Before this, they may have felt disconnected from others, and that other people had something they didn’t have. This may have caused them to feel like a victim from time to time, or they may even have had a victim mentality. Yet no matter how they were, they were not prepared to tolerate what was taking place. One Side However, even if someone is unable to experience intimacy, it doesn’t mean they have never been close to another person. There may have been moments in their life where this has happened, but it might not have lasted for very long. This could mean that they have a pattern of attracting people who are not available. Another person could then be in their life and just as they start to experience a connection, they could soon disappear. The Other Side Along with this, they may have had moments where people were available but they didn’t find them attractive. They could then come to believe that the only way for them to experience intimacy will be for them to be with someone they don’t want to be with. There is also the chance that they have ended up feeling overwhelmed when someone has been in their life. This could then be a sign that they only feel comfortable when other people are kept at a certain distance. Conflict What this is likely to show is that even though they want to get close to others, it is something that doesn’t feel right. Experiencing intimacy can then be seen as something that will cause them to lose themselves. The need to survive is stronger than the need to experience intimacy, and this is why someone won’t be able to experience intimacy unless they feel that it is safe for them to do so. But unless they realise why they are unable to experience intimacy, they can end up feeling as though they have no control over this part of their life. Boundaries What this is likely to show is that they haven’t developed boundaries, and this is why they don’t feel comfortable getting close to others. Their body is going to feel exposed during these moments, and it will then be normal for them to do everything they can to keep their distance. When someone is aware of why they do what they do, it will be easier for them to be compassionate towards themselves. Yet all the time they are not aware of why their life is the way it is, it can be normal for them to criticise themselves and others. The Cause During their early years, their personal space may have been violated by their caregivers. Through being physically abused and/or having a caregiver that got too close, for instance, it wouldn’t have been possible for them to develop boundaries. Awareness Due to what happened during these early years, they are likely to be carrying an emotional build-up, as well as trauma. While it will be important for them to process this emotional build-up, it might not be enough, and this is because their body could still experience life in the same way. In order for their body to settle down, they will need to deal with the trauma. This is something that can take place with the assistance of a therapist.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk/ If someone was to go and watch a film, not only would they watch the screen, they would also pay attention to what is being said. On one hand, they will have paid to watch it, and on the other hand, it will be something they want to see. No Consequences However, if they were to take their eyes and ears away from the screen and to focus on something else, it is unlikely that something ‘bad’ will happen. The actors that are in the film are not going to feel disrespected, and the people who work in the cinema are unlikely to care. Having said that, if they were with someone, the other person might wonder what is going on. They might think the other person doesn’t want to be there with them, or that they wanted to see another film instead. A Meeting The other person could feel let down, and they might end up thinking about why they even bothered to go with them. While they can feel disrespected, it can be seen as being impersonal. This is not going to be the same as if someone had a meeting a behaved in the same way. In this case, they are going to need to look at and listen to a real human being, and if this doesn’t take place, the other person is likely to feel disrespected. The Outcome If there has recently been a problem, the person who is conducting the meeting might expect them to behave in this way. When this happens, they are not going to be too concerned about how they are responding. On the other hand, this could be a different kind of meeting, and they will then expect them to show a certain level of respect. As a result, their lack of respect could stop them from being promoted, or it might even cause them to lose their job, among other things. Respect It could be said that respect is a vital part of a relationship; if it doesn’t exist, there are going to be problems. It could be something that causes a relationship to come to an end, or it could mean that it will gradually decline. If it declines, it might no longer be fulfilling, and someone might wonder why the other person is still in their life. There is also the chance that it will start to become abusive, and what started off as a small problem ends up becoming a big problem. Being Present When someone listens to another, they are giving them their full attention, and this can be a sign that they respect them. In order for this to take place, it will be important for someone to be completely present. Another way of looking at this would be to say that they will be acknowledging the other person. They are not thinking about what they are going to be doing after and they are not thinking about what they are going to say next. Expectation If someone doesn’t expect another person to listen to them, it might not matter how another person responds. This could mean that they don’t respect themselves, and then it could be normal for them to experience life in this way. Yet when someone does respect themselves, they will usually know whether another person is paying attention. They could have the ability to sense if another person is actually listening, or they might have the ability to read them, for instance. Two Experiences When it relates to the former, they might feel something in their gut, and it is then something they just ‘know’. This is not to say they won’t be aware of the other person’s responses, but it won’t be their primary source of information. If someone has the ability to read another person’s body language, as well as their facial expressions, it will be something they can’t help but notice. They might also get a feeling that the other person is not really there. Listening On one side, there is going to be how someone responds when another person is talking, and on the other side, there is going to be how they respond once they have finished. During the first part, it will be important for them to look at them, to keep an open posture, and to be in the moment, for instance. Through paying attention to what the other person has to say, it will give them the chance to respond in the right way. This may mean that they will end up giving them feedback about what they just heard, or it might just mean that they start to talk about what is on their mind, for instance. In The Moment What this comes down to is that there is not going to be one way to respond, and this is why it is important to be present. When someone is in the moment, it will make it easier for them to do the right thing. The other person will know that they value what they have to say, and this is bound to have a positive effect on the relationship. As a result, they are more likely to listen to them when they have something to say. Two Sides Even though someone doesn’t listen, it doesn’t mean they are aware of what is taking place. This could be a sign that they are good at talking, but not so good at listening, and this shows that they are out of balance. At a deeper level, they might believe that what they have to say is more important than what other people have to say, and there is then no reason for them to listen. If this is the case, it might mean that their early years were a time where they were either ignored, or it may have been a time where most of the attention was on them. Awareness However, regardless of why someone is unable to listen to others, it will be important for them to develop this ability. Although this is something that is unlikely to happen overnight, the impact it has on their relationships will far outweigh the effort they have to put in. The support of a therapist, coach and/or a support group may be needed here.
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While some people can maintain their sense of self in a relationship, there are others who are unable to do this. As a result, their experiences are going to be radically different, and this could be how they have been for most of their life.
A Big Difference When one is able to maintain their sense of self, it will give them the chance to meet their own needs. Along with this, there will also be able to meet the other person’s needs, and this means the relationship will be in balance. However, when one is unable to maintain their sense of self, there is going to be less chance of their needs being met. Instead, they could find that they end up being focused on the other persons needs, and the relationship will then be out of balance. In Touch In the first example, one is going to be in touch with their needs, and in the second example, they might be out of touch with their needs. Being aware of their needs will be one part; the other part will be feeling comfortable enough to reveal them. When one is focused on the other persons needs, they might be aware of their own needs from time to time, but it might not matter. This is primarily because they are unlikely feel comfortable enough to reveal them to the other person. Self-Acceptance When one accepts themselves, they are likely to feel comfortable with their own needs, and this will allow them to receive. Therefore, they are not going to believe that something ‘bad’ will happen by opening up. Yet, when one doesn’t accept themselves, it is going to be a challenge for them to open up. If they were to do this, they may believe that something ‘bad’ would take place. The Priority It could then be said that they are more concerned about pleasing the other person than they are about pleasing themselves. Now, be aware of the other persons needs is not bad per se; but if one is completely out of touch with their own needs, it is going to cause them to suffer. When this happens, it will not be a case of one fulfilling the other persons needs from time to time; they will always be fulfilling their needs. Through being out of touch with their own needs, they could feel as though they are doing the right thing. Selfless One could then be seen as someone who is ‘selfless’, and as long as the other person is happy, that could be enough. Their point of focus is then on the on the other person, and they are not aware of what is taking place within them. This is not to say they will always be happy, as there could be moments where they feel down. They could end up coming across as passive aggressive, and this can be because they dont feel comfortable opening up about what is going on. Conflict On one side, pleasing the other person could be what feels right, and on the other side, it is also going to cause them to feel uncomfortable. It can then be strange for them to understand why this would cause them to feel uncomfortable; especially when it allows them to be accepted by the other person. This doesn’t mean the relationship will be healthy though, as it could mean that the other person takes advantage of them. But if one is primarily focused on being accepted, they might overlook that is taking place. Normal Regardless of how they are treated by the other person, this is likely to be what is normal, and while it would be easy to blame the other person; this is not something that is out of their control. Based on how they are experiencing life, they could believe that they have no control over what is happening. In order for them to see life differently, it will be important for them to experience an internal shift. Unless this takes place, they will expect the other person to change, and this could cause them to feel like a victim. Sense of Self If they were to take a step back and to think about what is happening, they might come to see that they lose themselves when they are with the other person. They are then no longer an individual; they are simply an extension of someone else. One could then say that the other person’s behaviour is the reason why this happens; but if this is something that has happened before, there is going to be more to it. At a deeper level, this could be what feels safe, and unless this changes, their life is unlikely to change. Boundaryless When one can maintain their sense of self in a relationship, it is likely to be a sign that they feel safe in their body. Yet when one doesn’t feel safe in their body, it is going to cause them to leave their body, and their attention is then going to be in their mind. As a result, it will be normal for them to be focused on the other person, and this is because they will be out of touch with the needs and feelings that are in their body. If they had boundaries, they wouldn’t need to experience life in this way. Protection On one hand, boundaries allow one to say yes and no, and on the other, they allow them to feel safe in their body. It’s the difference between wearing clothes and being completely naked in public. When one wears clothes, they are likely to feel protected; whereas when they don’t, they are likely to feel exposed. Energetically, they are going to be wide open, and it is then going to be normal for them to merge with others. Why Is This? If one doesn’t have boundaries, it can be a sign that they were not allowed to develop them during their early years. This could mean that they experienced some kind of abuse, and this means their personal space wouldn’t have been respected. While this is something that can happen through being physically abused; it can also take place through experiencing emotional abuse. When this happens, one may have had a caregiver who got too close to them. Awareness To move beyond this challenge, it might be important for them to be supported by a therapist and/or a support group. This can be a time where one will be processing trapped emotions, as well as dealing with trauma.
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If one changed their hairstyle and they wanted to know how it looked, there is a strong chance that they would ask their friends and family. This is primarily because they trust them.
They will value their feedback, and while this might not completely define how they feel about their hair, it is still going to have an effect. This is not to say they won’t listen to the people they don’t know very well, but their views might not be seen in the same light. Other Areas Along with this, one can look towards the people they know for suggestions on where to eat, where to travel and whether they should go on a date with someone, among other things. It might not matter whether the people they ask are experts when it comes to these areas, as well as others. The only thing that could matter is that they are close to them, and this means that they will trust their judgement. What they hear from other could then be something for them to reflect on, and when this happens, they will still be thinking for themselves. An Expert If one is close to someone who is an expert when it comes to a certain area of life, they could just go along with what they suggest. This could relate to something complex and one could then believe that it is better to listen to the other person. What this shows is how one can be influenced by the people they are closest to, and through being so close, they might not take the time to come to their own conclusions. As this relates to the people they trust, it shouldn’t cause them to experience problems. Opinion However, even though the people one is closest to may have their best interests at heart, it doesn’t mean that they will always know what is right for them. At times, one might be doing the right thing by following their advice, and at others, it could cause them to do the wrong thing. Therefore, it could be said that is one listens to the feedback from others and listens to what is taking place within them, it will give them a better chance of making the right decision. The best approach to take can take can all depend on the context. News When one wants to know what is taking place in their own country and around the world, they can end up looking towards the mainstream media. This is primarily because they trust what they present. At the beginning of their life, they may have been brought up by people who did the same thing. If these people wanted to know about what was taking place, they would have turned on the TV, listened to the radio or looked through a paper. The Truth On one hand, they may have believed everything they heard, and on the other, they may have questioned certain things. If these people questioned what they heard, it may have encouraged one to do the same thing. Whereas if they believed everything they heard, it may have set one up to do the same thing. What they were being exposed to would then have been seen as the truth, and there was then no need for anyone to question anything. Informed Through these kinds of experiences, one can grow up to believe that the media is there to inform people about what is taking place in the world. The media could then be seen as the messenger, and this means one has no reason to question what they are told. Therefore, if one pays attention to the mainstream media, they will be well informed; but if they don’t, they are going to end up living a life of ignorance. At the same time, this outlook is not something that is going to sit well with everyone. Overlooked One thing that one can say is that the media gives more attention to some things that it does to others. This can then cause them to feel as though they are being manipulated, and that they only find out about what the media wants them to find out about. If they were to say this to other people, they may be told that the mainstream media can’t cover everything, and how the most important things are covered. When this happens, they could end up agreeing with what they hear, or they might disagree, and this could cause them to take a deeper look into what is happening. A Half Truth Another way of looking at this would be to say the mainstream media only gives attention to the things that it believes are important. Based on this, it could be said that while it is informing people, it is only informing them about the things it wants them to be informed about. As a result, even though one can believe that they are informed, they might be informed about things that have no relevance to what is actually taking place in the world. The beliefs that they have created through absorbing this information can then stop them from being able to accept to what is actually taking place. Brainwashed It then won’t matter if they come across what is taking place, as their mind could end up blocking it out. Their priority is then going to be holding onto what they have been told to believe by the media. If they were to come across someone who has a different outlook, they could say that they don’t know what they are talking about. When in reality, they could be someone who has simply taken the time to think for themselves. Critical Thinking What this shows is how important it is for one to question what they are exposed to, and to bear in mind that the mainstream media always has an agenda. To think critically takes energy, and this is why it doesn’t always take place. However, when this takes place, it will give one to the ability to own their own mind as opposed to it being controlled by an outside source. Not only will this benefit their own life, it will also benefit the rest of humanity.
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When one is not living in the present it is going to be a challenge for them to focus on what they are doing. As a result, they could be more concerned about what is taking place within them than what is taking place without.
If they were working, it could cause them to overlook what they are doing, and this could set them up to experience problems. In the short-term, the might not notice what is taking place; but as time passes, this is unlikely to be the case. A Rain Drop For example, if one had a leak in their roof and a few rain drops came through, they are not going to be too concerned. There is also the chance that they might not even realise what has happened. However, if these drops were to continue, they would soon see what is taking place. It would then be important for them to fix the leak themselves, or to find someone who can. The Signs Similarly, the sooner one pays attention to what is happening, the sooner they will be able to put an end to the problems that they could be creating. Yet all the time they are caught up in their mind, it is not going to be possible for them to do this. There is the chance that someone else could point out what is happening before anything ‘bad’ happens. In this instance, it will give on the chance to bring their attention back into the present moment. Alternatively If this doesn’t happens, it might only be a matter of time before something brings their attention back into the present. They could experience a negative reaction from someone else, or their negligence could cause another to experience a setback. It could be said that it will all depend on the kind of job one has, as this will play a big part in what the consequences are. When one has an occupation where they need to be alert, it could have a far bigger impact than if they were not in this position. For Example One could work as a cashier, and while it will be important for them to have certain level of awareness, they might be able to do to their job without being fully present. This could mean that some of the people they serve might wonder if they are thinking about the weekend, but that could be as far as it goes. If one was working in the army or the police, for instance, it would be a lot harder for them to do their job. Through not being in the present moment, they could end up losing their life, among other things. Suffering But without even looking into how one can suffer in their profession through not being present, they can also suffer when they are not working. They could find that during the times when they are having time off, they could still find that their attention is somewhere else. One could be spending time with friends, their partner, or even on holiday, and they could find that they are unable to enjoy the moment. It then won’t matter what is taking place, as they won’t be able to embrace it. Energy Through not being able to embrace life, it is likely to have an effect on their energy levels. On one hand, it is not possible for them to embrace what life has to offer, and on the other hand, they are using their attention somewhere else. The energy from their experiences is not going to be fully absorbed and a lot of energy they do have is going to be used by their mind. If their mind was being used to think critically or to reflect on something it would be fine; but this is not what is taking place. A Waist of Energy If they were to step back from what is happening, they might see that their attention is consumed by something they have no control over. For instance, one’s mind might be caught up on what happened in the past. Along with this, it could also be going over what might happen in the future, and this shows that their energy is being wasted. For one thing, one has no control over the past, and the best way for them to create a fulfilling future, is for them to make the most of the present moment. Avoidance One could also be in a position where their life is not very fulfilling, and avoiding the present moment could then be a way for them to avoid pain. When this happens, they could imagine what it would be like to experience life differently. However, all the time they do this; they are not going to be able to change their life. Instead, their life could end up getting worse, and there will then be no reason for them to live in the moment. Being Present When one is unable to live in the present moment, it is often said that they need to develop the ability to detach from their mind. Through observing what is taking place, they will be less likely to get caught up in it. Based on this outlook, the mind is the most important area, and as they begin to ‘master’ their mind, their life will gradually change. While this approach may work, it might not be the answer. Emotional Build-Up If one’s mind is caught up in the past, for instance, it could be a sign that they have an emotional build-up in their body. The conflict they are experiencing in their mind is then a reflection of what is taking place at a deeper level. Therefore, if there were to process what is in their body, they may find that their mind starts to settle down. Their inability to be present could then be seen as a defence mechanism that their mind is using to avoid the pain that is in their body. Awareness This could relate to a loss or a number of losses that they haven’t mourned, and if this is the case, it will be important for them to cry out the pain that is within them. One reason why the mind is often seen as the most important area and the body is often overlooked could be because of how painful it can be to embrace the body. When one is in their body as opposed to being stuck in their mind, it will be a lot easier for them to be present. But all the time one’s body is loaded up with emotional pain, it will be more or less impossible for them to stay in their body. This is a process that can take place with the assistance of a therapist and/or a support group.
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Oliver JR CooperAuthor of 26 books, Transformational Writer, Teacher & Consultant. Introductory Consultation
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Disclaimer
That which is contained within these articles is based on my own empirical understanding and is true for me at the time they were written. However, as I continue to grow, what I perceive as the truth will inevitably change and as a result of this - parts of these articles may not reflect my current outlook.
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